Original subtitles

Guess who just got her first place?

Me. Although, you can't really call a tiger a place, and also, it's not my

first one.

Are you finished?

Fine. Tell us more about your dumb thing.

My thing is not dumb.

I just finished moving my stuff into my new condo. What?

Congratulations. When do we get to see it? Soon, because you're all invited to

my housewarming.

My house.

Well, I will be there.

Unless it's within 100 yards of a petting zoo. Do I even want to... It's

exactly what you think it is.

Well, no excuses, because it's super close. In fact, you can see it from

here.

It's right there.

That tall black building.

Right where that weird thing is flying.

The thing that's shooting space rays?

Yeah.

Ooh, now that's why I rant.

to say a wormhole has opened up somewhere on Earth and released a fleet

of mysterious alien ships.

President Luther, who was golfing at the Mar-a-Luther, responded in a tweet.

Space wall will be built, and aliens will pay for it.

How did we elect a president who tweets in all caps?

Who cares? I got a tax cut, and I can dump whatever I want into the river.

Oh, my God.

Wayne headquarters has been hit. I hope there weren't any casualties.

Bob Black, he's dead!

Yes!

And he was behind a wife and two kids.

And a seat on Wayne Industry Support.

This is my chance!

My insurance won't cover any of the damage to my condo. What, you didn't get

alien insurance?

Turns out the aliens are from the future, so they're saying technically it

hasn't happened yet.

Well, that's hard to argue. Same thing happened to me. I put all my savings

into that condo.

I just blocked everything.

All of your things fit into one condo? Now I'm sad.

Oh, I should use this and call Bob Lackey's wife before it wears off.

Karen, I just heard.

Oh, yes, it's that.

Can't you tell by my voice?

Oh, boy.

Door's stuck.

Enter through the hole.

Easy. Careful.

I like the open floor plan. Yeah.

There's so much natural light. Yeah, a lot of that's the explosion.

All I have left is one decorative throw pillow and my robot vacuum.

Which just committed suicide.

Well, before you get any ideas, we got a little surprise for you.

Yeah, we made you a care package.

I brought you some clothes.

Aw, Wendy.

Oh, these are very... cat. I love that butter.

And I found you some apartments on Craigslist.

Oh, and there's even one for free if you're willing to let someone massage

your feet while you eat. Oh, there's gotta be a catch.

Aw, you guys are so sweet.

Now, I thought this condo was the symbol of everything I worked for this year,

but I was wrong.

It's you guys.

Oh, no!

The petting zoo people know that I violated my restraining order!

I took a chance coming...

Let go of the pretzel. Yeah, but then I won't have a pretzel.

Who designed this abattoir?

Oh, my God.

You're Dean West, the chairman of Wayne Industries.

Hi, I'm... May I?

Oh.

I've come from Gotham. I have something important to talk to you about.

Yes, um, right this way.

Oh, my God, it's happening.

I'm finally getting my promotion.

Thank you for letting me borrow this dress.

That's a sweater, and you know it's a sweater.

Why would I want a cat dress?

Emily, Van wants to see you in his office.

Thank you.

Emily, this is Chairman West.

Nice to meet you, Catwoman.

Oh, this is a loner. Aliens blew up my condo.

You got the promotion?

Mm-hmm. Miss Locke, because of the dastardly attack on Gotham, we're going

to have to make some cuts.

He wants you to fire one of your department heads.

But that's Wendy, Teddy, and Ron.

Oh, we are inseparable.

So this was the only reason that you came from Gotham? Was there any other

board-related reason?

Nope, that's it.

I admit it's a bit of a gratuitous cameo.

I'm going to find another way around this. Do you even listen to me when we

have these talks?

Exactly.

Man, I... Are you wearing shorts and a boot?

Yeah, I am.

They gave away my spot on the board to Bob Lackey's weepy wife.

My life is over.

You know, not in the same way that Bob Lackey's is, but it is equally as

tragic. Don't you have, like, a hundred million dollars?

Yeah. But what's that worth?

Okay, well, the good news is I found tons of budget cuts, and we can meet Mr.

West's goals without firing anyone.

Please don't eat.

Okay. No, I'm not.

I tell you that if you're rich and you know the right people that you'll go far

in life, but it is a lie.

The only thing people care about is hard work and if you have talent.

The system's broke.

Don't look at me.

Okay. Well, if it's cool with you, I am just going to take your hand right now

and sign this budget.

Here you go. Good job.

Hello, beautiful.

That one. Yes.

chemicals, and I'm about to have electricity.

I'm going to be the next Flash.

Nerd. Oh,

okay.

Look at those waves. Where's he going?

Look at these fools.

I mean, what's with the chemicals? Everyone knows the Flash got his powers

from a radioactive cheetah. Well, actually, the science holds up. But if

you want super speed, you're going to need a way higher voltage and much

stronger chemicals.

Is that true?

Well, yeah.

In theory.

You should try it, Van.

Imagine the power. I can videotape it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's a

bad idea. Sure.

Who keeps this?

All right. You're going to take this metal pole and touch it to the

electricity right as Teddy talks with him to Kim. Also, if you pass out, just

try to land on your back. I want people to see my podcast T-shirt. Right.

Yeah. You know, as a fellow human being, I have to tell you this is gravely

dangerous. I used to think that the name Wayne was my superpower.

But it obviously means nothing.

But if I had actual superpowers, then I could show all of those people who

laughed at me and then they'd see.

Then they would all see!

Are we about to create a supervillain?

No.

I do feel different.

Are you okay?

Yeah?

Fine.

He's so fine.

Oh, my God. It worked.

It worked.

Look at me.

Oh, you can't look at me because I'm too fast.

Am I over here? Am I over here?

stars on iTunes.

Subscribe!

That was super fun, man.

Chairman West, uh, did you get my budget?

Yes. It was quite impressive.

We had no idea this division could be so profitable.

So, are you here to tell me I don't have to let go of anybody?

Not exactly.

Wait, they're selling the division to LexCorp? You're selling us to our rival.

See, Emily?

That's how you fire someone.

Thanks, Jackie.

But why?

I showed you how profitable we could be.

Exactly. That's why the sale went through.

Apparently, they've been looking for a buyer over the last year, and the

numbers didn't work out until you came along.

But what could have happened to our job?

Will this ragtag band of plucky performers keep their precious

positions, or will they be thrown to the wolves?

Find out next week.

What's next week?

Oh, that's when the head of HR gets back from vacation.

Look, they're calling us into LexCorp tomorrow. They wouldn't do that just to

fire us. Yeah, she's right. You know, we have a unique skill set. We're

irreplaceable. Guys, the LexCorp R&D team is here. They wanted to say hello.

Hi, I'm Emma. This is our chief design officer, Freddie, our head engineer,

Don, and Wanda, our lead software engineer.

If a parole officer named Sam Clark asked, I wasn't in Charm City.

Your parole officer is Sam, too?

Freaky.

So nice to meet you.

So we're not unique, and we're all getting fired.

None of this would have happened if I would have just fired one of them.

Well, it's a tough decision to make.

Who is going to be Wendy?

Well, we might all be losing our jobs, but that doesn't mean we won't still see

each other.

I mean, we're family.

Oh, honey, we're not family.

We're all work buddies.

Sure, we'll say we're going to keep in touch, but we're not going to see each

other until one of us dies, which is going to be Wendy.

You're wrong.

This is a bond for life.

See you at Wendy's funeral.

Idiot.

Guys, this place is perfect.

It's a shame we're only here to get pie.

What?

The only thing I... didn't like about nachos was having to go get them. But

they solved it. They really solved it.

I don't know about you, but I'm making a play today.

Oh, my God, Van, did you shave your head just to suck up to Lex Luthor?

Emily, this is a fresh start for me. I got a new ass to kiss, a new nose to

brown. If anyone asks, I have always been bald.

Hey, guys.

Welcome to LexCorp.

Yeah. All right, I see you already dipped into some nachos. Here's a little

fun fact. Our queso is actually made from a nutritional yeast, which means no

calories. Wow.

Yeah, yeah, this place is great. Just put us out of our misery. Are you

experiencing misery? Because we actually have some therapeutic dolphins you can

swim with. Hey, quit messing with us, man.

We know we're redundant, and we're getting fired.

Fired? Why would we fire you? You don't buy the Emporium and then fire Mr.

Magorio.

Ah, boycott of that movie. You don't name a character McGoriam just so it

rhymes with Emporium. That is a cheat.

That movie.

Um, could you just go back to what you were saying before? We're keeping our

jobs? Absolutely, you're keeping your jobs. In fact, we're creating an entire

division just for you.

Basically, anything that your big brains think of, we're gonna miss.

Jackie's gonna love this place.

No, we might have to figure out a way around that one. We don't hire

assistants here.

So, Jackie won't be working here?

Uh, no.

That's fine.

We don't care.

This place is so fancy.

You know, instead of toilet paper, they have these expensive Egyptian cotton

towels?

No, Ron, they definitely have toilet paper.

Oh, dear.

Anyway...

This Lexcorp takeover is the best thing that has ever happened to us.

There you guys are. I felt it out with Russell, and I think if we all band

together and say we're not going to take the jobs unless they hire Jackie too,

they'll give in. We just have to be willing to walk away.

Do we look like people who are willing to walk away?

I mean, I don't even know where my pants are. Anybody else?

Fancy taking care of your entire life for ten years. You know what? I don't

even remember what Jackie looks like anymore.

Hey, who here?

Wants to go swimming with dolphins.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Dolphins.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, that is not the dolphin room.

Ha!

Oh, my God.

This is a wormhole.

This place has everything.

This is the wormhole everyone's looking for.

We have lifeguards behind us? Hold on, hold on. We don't know that this is the

evil wormhole. There's only one way to find out. Check it out! No!

Well,

Wendy's dead.

It was definitely the evil wormhole.

I was in the land of Skartaris for two years.

I became a warlord.

I freed a nation of slaves. It's so cool.

Why did you come back?

Oh, I've got to see that last season of Game of Thrones.

It's going to be crazy.

Oh, yeah.

We have to shut this thing off.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Slow down there. Aaron Brockovich. Now, every company does

morally questionable things.

Sometimes it's fuzzy accounting. Sometimes it's a wormhole that releases

evil aliens that are bent on destroying the Earth.

Nobody's perfect!

Ah!

You guys discovered the evil wormhole!

What wormhole? No, don't do that.

You saw it. I know you saw it because I saw you see it. All right.

All right?

This is unfortunate. Now we've got to kill you guys.

What? You are going to die.

But it's not all bad. Some good news. It's going to be painless. It's going to

be humane. And your body is going to be turned into no-calorie cheese.

Oh. Oh.

Cheese.

All right.

So I'm going to give you guys just a few minutes to say your final goodbyes. And

then you get to select which cheese you want to become.

Russell, come on. Deal with me, man. I got houses. I got boats.

Sorry, guys, but President Luthor is really set on destroying the world.

Plus, I've already entered your death into the system, so, you know, how it

goes. All right.

Guys, we've got to do something.

There's nothing to do. Things don't always have a happy ending.

Things aren't always warm and fuzzy friendship, blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes you just die, and then you get turned into cheese.

Oh, my God. I just realized I ate four people's worth of nachos.

I refuse to believe this is how we end.

How about a round of applause for our euthanasia guy, Esteban!

Boo! No.

Boo! He has a bunch of poisonous scents in here that you can inhale. The

lavender is very calming, I'm told.

These dummies gave me superpowers. They what?

How did you even find us? I saw on Emily's Twitter account that you guys

were at LexCorp, so I searched all the rooms at super speed, got a fro-yo, went

to California, learned jiu-jitsu, which is how I knocked out these guys, and

then I found you.

Aw. You follow me on Twitter?

You know who else does?

My family.

And also Taye Diggs for some reason.

Everybody does.

Yeah. All right. It's fine.

I like all of you guys enough that I didn't want any of you to die.

It's sweet that you think that's a high bar.

Yeah.

Guys, we should shut this down before it destroys the Earth.

All right, all right. I got it. What if Jackie runs around it with her super

speed and the Speed Force will repair the fabric of space-time?

Or that.

Jackie, you saved the world and you saved our lives. You deserve a break of

seven to ten minutes and then get me out of these handcuffs and go get me a wig.

Congressional Republicans voted not to impeach President Luther in spite of his

comically evil plan to destroy the Earth.

In other news, what if I told you these earrings were made by a panda?

You have pooper speed and you're not going to use it. No, I hate it.

You get a bunch of bugs in your teeth, it's murder on your shoes, and I don't

have any excuses now for being late.

Yeah, but you used it for us.

And it just occurred to me that our jobs ended, and we're still hanging out.

Well, of course we are. I don't need some dumb job to hang out with my

friends. Yeah, and I've been trying for a long time to be accepted by a cooler

group, but I think this is my feeling, and I'm okay with that.

Well, hey, whatever happens, we'll have each other.

A round of hugs. On me.

I might use my power occasionally.

Hey, screw it! Let's all go to the petting zoo!

Yeah! Come on!

What will become of our little gang of scrappy underdogs?

Will Bruce Wayne bail out our heroes, or will the treacherous Lex

Luthor seek revenge?

What do you think, Tree?

You always tell me the truth. Why are you talking to a plant?

Are we sure he even works here?

No, we might still have our jobs. I'm going to call Chris.

That's funny.