Original subtitles

This is so exciting.

I can't believe we get to see Superman and the Flash race around the world.

I know. I've been here since four in the morning. This is going to be one of the

greatest rematches of all time. We're talking Ali Frazier, that time David

Blaine outlasted Aquaman in a bathtub. You really think the Flash is going to

stop to hydrate?

He might.

Oh, my shoes.

No!

Thanks for the H2O, the Flash.

Did you confirm my reservation for brunch?

Ooh, does my nose deceive me, or is that an enchanting new scent I smell?

Who's the lucky lady? Bruce Wayne.

My cousin has finally found some time in his schedule. No more cancellations. Uh,

Jackie, tell the restaurant to make sure that the mariachi band brings an extra

guitar for me. And if it is not tuned, so help me God. Don't worry. I'm sure

that Bruce Wayne is just as nervous as you are. I'm not nervous.

Bad news, Teddy.

Corporate called, and they want you to redo those sketches on the home security

line.

Those sketches were perfect.

You know what? If I had your job, I would tell corporate to kiss my ass.

And if Van were here, I'd tell him to kiss my ass, too. I am here.

Looking forward to getting to work on those sketches, sir.

Oh, just so you know, I'm taking a two-hour lunch break.

I would love to say yes, but that's against the rules. But it's an

emergency! There are some kids in the park doing shrooms, and I want to dress

in old-timey clothes and pretend I'm a time traveler to freak them out. Yeah,

that's not an emergency.

Um, obviously.

on shrooms attack a convenience store because Joan of Arc told them to.

Fine. Take an extra half hour. I am eternally indebted to you, my lady.

As long as I work here, I will never get hurt. Do you want to?

Tighter, Dorothy.

Tighter. Come on.

Oh, no, no. It's okay.

No, no. You know what? I didn't even remember that we had plans. You know,

Bruce, it's okay. He hung up.

Um, you'll kiss the reservation.

Oh, honey, I never made it.

Uh, you guys?

Pullet surprise-winning journalist and girlfriend of Superman, Lois Lane, has

been killed.

Awesome! We'll add more as details come in.

Let me show you, though.

Crackpot scientists and conspiracy theorists both agree that Lois Lane has

died before, but Superman flew around the world so fast... that he'd turn back

time to labor.

I'm pretty sure the science doesn't check out on that. Oh, I'm going to

thank you in advance for saying that.

Oh, yes.

The science totally checks out.

If a man could fly fast enough around the Earth, he would reverse its

rotation, and time would rewind, like an old videotape.

And you know what this means?

Anything we do from now until Superman turns back time doesn't matter.

There's no consequences.

Okay. Sorry, Steve. Just trying to prove a point. Of course. Just happy to be

included.

This is nuts. Why should we believe that guy?

This just in. Nobel Prize winning astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has used

his motorized wheelchair to push Neil deGrasse Tyson into traffic.

Witnesses claim that just before the senseless murder, Hawking said, Die.

You.

It's no consequence day!

All right.

Get it over with.

Hi.

How much did he do?

How much to buy a lion?

Oh, I'm not going to do it myself.

You don't need to know what I'm going to do with it.

I'm postmating some foie graviar. It's where they force feed a goose caviar.

You want me to get a second tub for you? Oh, sorry, buddy, but I'm on my way out.

You know, I've always wanted to own a pug, but I've never been able to pull

the trigger.

But today, caution to the wind, I'm getting a pug.

Suit yourself.

All right, man, I'm drinking the $900 scotch in your office.

Just pair well with the foie graviar.

You know, the point of this day is lost on me. I already act on every impulse,

no matter how childish or wanton it might be. Oh, that reminds me. That

painting that you commissioned with your head on Jason Momoa's body?

It's here.

Oh, goody!

Hey, I want for nothing.

You still can't get Bruce Wayne to have lunch with you.

You're right.

And that is all that I want.

I'm going to make Bruce Wayne pay for this.

And not in the way that wanes usually pay for things with money and jewels.

No, in a more threatening kind of revenge way, Jackie.

Ideas. Go f*** yourself.

Go what? I'm doing nothing today.

I'm going to sit, relax, and not lift a finger for my kid or any of you other

monsters.

Fine.

I'll do this myself.

Ooh, and what's Miss Moral Compass going to do today?

Return a library book a day late? Buy a full-price item at Anthropologie?

Well, I'd really like to get front row seats to that European alt circus, but

it's $1,000.

Oh, my God. You're killing me.

You know what I am going to do while I figure it out?

Eat a whole chocolate muffin.

By myself.

Do I want to watch her die?

No.

She'd be so squeaky.

Huh. Excuse me. Uh-huh.

Are you in charge here?

I don't know. Do I look like an idiot?

Subtle note of graphite. I'm sorry, I was looking for Van.

Oh, Van's gone.

Wait, you're from corporate, right?

I am.

I'm glad you're here, because you can kiss my ass.

Excuse me?

Who are you talking to? Shut up. Okay.

Why would people want a separate mobile device to check their home security

cameras when they already have a phone, dummy?

That's why we sent you a design for an app.

You're absolutely right.

I wanted to tell my boss the same thing, but I'm afraid of candor.

Hey, how'd you like to come to this meeting we're having and tell him for

me? Uh, why not?

I like you.

You're going to do great. Come on.

I'll graphite.

I'll have a chocolate muffin with all the gluten and, uh... No, what the hell?

I will have a small, no, grande latte with whole milk.

Yeah, you heard me.

You are bumming me out.

Here. Here's $1,000.

Go see your creepy Eurocircus.

Oh, my God. Wendy, where did you get all this money?

Did you steal it?

Yeah. I stole it from my drug dealer.

But not before I bought this.

Wendy, we are in public.

It doesn't matter today, remember?

Or you're such a square, you've never passed a Gucci.

Oh, no. I have gotten...

It would just kill the buzz, you know, to do it with all these nerds watching.

You know what?

Fine. I will take a little hit of it. Are you seriously smoking marijuana in

broad daylight?

And you just threw it at a bunch of kids.

You are definitely under arrest.

I went to the pet store, but I just couldn't choose.

And countless Disney films have taught me it is wrong to break up a family.

So, I got all the pugs.

Come here, guys.

Come to me.

Okay, let me introduce you to the squad. We got Elvis Pugley, Frederick Puglis,

Bone Pugs and Harmony, and of course, Ron Jr.

Jackie, will you get Ron, Julia?

This is my day, Ron.

I've decided not to toilet paper Bruce Wayne's house.

It's beneath me. You couldn't figure out where to buy toilet paper.

And they laughed at me when I asked.

I just need to find another way to humiliate Bruce.

Ron, I'm going to need those puppies.

You're not going to make a coat out of them, are you?

Please. Those aren't coat quality puppies.

How dare you?

Which brings me to the biggest problem with this company.

You dildos.

What's your division?

Investor relations.

Useless. You?

Community outreach.

Garbage word. See, this is what I'm talking about. Every time I make a

product, it has to be approved by 14 different divisions. By the time it

finally comes out, it's obsolete.

Why are we letting some low-level... I have a question.

Yes?

Where has Van been hiding you?

I am so sorry.

We... I have never been in trouble before. But Lois Lane died.

And Superman's going to rewind time.

So are we free to leave?

Don't worry. I got this.

Hey, officer.

I think we can clear this all up if we just step into that closet over there.

I wasn't gonna do you!

What did I get for hanging out with you?

I am so sick of you judging me all the time.

Wendy's weird.

Wendy's a freak.

Wendy wears sweaters that I could only dream of pulling off.

I'm not judging you. What you do is objectively weird.

I've seen you comb your hair with a handful of forks. Yeah? I mean, you just

try to bribe a cop with stolen money.

You don't know me.

And I did not steal that money. I'm rich.

My family owns Plantour Cosmetics.

They operate the largest facility for testing cosmetics on chimpanzees in the

world. Wasn't that just named Forbes' most cartoonishly evil company of 2016?

And that was before they got into fracking and ivory.

I haven't spoken to them in eight years.

I wish I could say it was because they're evil, but really it's because

they always thought they were better than me.

Just like you.

I do not... Okay, maybe I do.

I'm really sorry.

And you're right. I could never pull off that sweater.

And I never realized that about your family.

I'm even distantly related to Van.

I think that's why I find him so attractive.

Our secret.

Oh.

Put it by the window, boys.

I don't understand why Emily's so stressed all the time. Being the boss is

easy. Excuse me.

I'm looking for Teddy.

I'm his new secretary.

That is I.

Hello?

I was just thinking the same thing, Ron Jr.

Just when does Teddy have a secretary?

Jackie, I need you to mail this box of doggy doo-doo to Bruce Wayne. Go

yourself.

Fine. Just tell me where the square stickers are.

They're called stamps, Van.

Siri, where are stamps?

Van. Even if you send Bruce dog poo, his butler is going to open it before he

even sees it. The only way that you're going to get satisfaction is by calling

him and telling him off.

You're right.

Well, I finally figured out how to tell you guys apart.

Wait a minute. Ron Jr., why are you wearing Elvis Pugsley's shirt?

Oh, you're a prankster. Wait.

You went to camp at Lake Winnehaha?

I was at the rich camp, Camp Oso de Oro.

we would shoot crossbows at you.

I thought that was you.

You guys were cool.

I remember being so jealous because it seemed like you did whatever you wanted.

Well, you could have too.

Yeah, but it always seemed like there'd be consequences.

That's it.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That we kill ourselves to see what the

afterlife is all about before time goes back?

I was thinking we break out of here.

Oh, well, let's start with that and play it by ear.

Oh, boo-hoo. My parents were murdered, and now I can't make meaningful

connections with my family members. You know something?

You are arrogant, and you're a D-bag. No. No, you... Tell him what he means to

you. Yeah, you frickin'

rule, man.

You do. I mean, you crush models, and you drive really cool cars.

I've always looked up to you ever since I was little.

I don't even think of you like a cousin. I think of you as a cousin, bro.

You McCosbro.

I worship you.

And you treat me like I don't even exist.

So go f*** yourself!

I did it!

Hurry! My friend is gonna throw up from all the drugs.

Sleep, Bill.

Ladies and gentlemen, down the hall to the left. We're breaking out of this

joint!

We know where you...

No, he's supposed to be turning back time.

Superman appears to have brought a date.

The Man of Steel's eyes are suspiciously dry as they lower Lois Lane's casket

into the ground.

You guys are in big trouble.

He's not turning back time!

Why did I listen to you people?

Of course he's not going back to save his career woman girlfriend.

She's probably become too harsh because of having ideas and her own money. Do

you understand what this means?

I chewed out Bruce Wayne!

This is too many pugs!

I'm driving carpool.

I'm the boss!

I am so ashamed. And you should be, young lady. All I wanted was one day to

myself, but instead, I had to bail you two out of jail.

Bruce didn't hear any of that, right?

I'll tell him that I was on a prank show called Goat Yourself. That's it.

Jackie? Make that show.

All right. You got to do it now.

Everything is real.

Everything is real.

And where do we think we're going?

My office.

What the hell?

I'm sorry, but that's Teddy Ramanujan's office.

It's already starting.

That's his last name.

Well, I've got bone and plugs, but Harmony's nowhere to be found.

Shh. How did Emily do this? This is the third conference call I've been on

today.

I'd like to start the call off by not thanking you for these BS reports.

Hey, Teddy. Super excited to have you dig in.

Holy crap.

That's all for corporate restructuring? Oh, no. That's Emily Locke's normal

workload. The new work's coming later.

Wait. Why am I doing Emily's work?

You told us that your department sucked and that she could kiss your ass.

Since you're so candid, you'll take care of firing her, right?

Oh, there you are, Harmony.

Oh, no.

I've lost bone in pugs.

It's been two hours. I've heard nothing.

Maybe he wasn't even listening to me. I don't listen to people beneath me when

they say stuff.

You know what?

I'm just never going to answer my phone again. That way, he can't get to me.

Done.

This is what you've always wanted.

I'm coming.

I can't vote.

I can't serve on a jury.

I'll never be elected PTA president when I have a child.

If a man will even have me.

What the hell are you doing? I'm getting blacked at work because who cares?

Okay, that's ginger beer. It's non-alcoholic.

There's still a lot of sugar in it, though. First of all, you are a petite,

Caucasian-enough woman with no priors. You'd be fine, but I fixed it. You don't

have a criminal record anymore.

Happy now.

Wait, how?

I called my fancy family. They pulled some strings and made the charges

disappear. You called your family that you hate for me?

Well, you were so upset, and it seemed like we were almost friends, which I

didn't totally hate, and...

I guess I'm sorry.

No, I'm the one who should be sorry.

The truth is, I'm really glad we got to have an adventure together.

What was that?

Amazing news.

The Superman who came to Lois Lane's funeral was a shapeshifter. The real Man

of Steel just escaped from a secret prison in Vialia made of kryptonite. You

know, you're a rare mineral that comes from a long, destroyed planet. People

sure do find a lot of that stuff.

Emily, I was gonna fire you.

But I can't. I never realized how hard your job was.

I am never, ever going to complain again.

Was that Superman?

No, my baby.

Remember my face, Ron Jr.

I'll find you.

Hey!

Everybody!

Bruce Wayne was not upset with me. In fact, he was impressed.

that I stood up to him.

He said he didn't know I had a backbone.

But you don't.

Yeah, but he doesn't know that.

And from now on I will because Bruce likes it.

But that isn't even the most impressive part. I was wandering around lost in

Wayne Manor. I was looking for a bathroom. I found myself in this

library. You know how much books make me angry.

So I knocked over this bus that you will never believe what I found.

The Batcave.

I found the Batcave.

Bruce Wayne is back!

What?

Ah,

those sketches were perfect.

If I had your job, I would tell a corporate to kiss my ass. And if Van

were here, I'd tell him to kiss my ass, too. I am here.

Looking forward to getting to work on those sketches, sir.

Just so you know, I'm taking a two-hour lunch break.

I would love to say yes, but...

Yes? Why don't I come with you? We never get a chance to hang out together.

Um, okay, but I'm gonna go scare drugged-up teens in the park.

That sounds fun.

Who are you?

I'm not sure, but let's go.

Jackie, tell Van we're taking a long lunch.

Oh, yeah, because I live to serve.

You know what? I didn't even remember that we had plans, Bruce.

Oh, okay, he hung up.

Jackie, cancel the reservation.

Oh, honey, I never made it.

Did Emily just go somewhere with Wendy willingly?

Weird, right?

Where'd you come from, little buddy?

Oh, you're so cute.

Ron Jr.

Ha,

that's funny.