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[Applause]

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/ - crash mash bear relax girls relax

don't attack your machines remember the

typewriters an instrument not a man

here follows pretty yep pick a nice

puppy nicholae pond for [ __ ] poor man

second there will be red man there baby

stuff today I until spring again it's

always spring with my little darlings

they only know one season and that's the

mating season it is a beautiful day Jay

mixed Jerry the Jester join ethnic

juggle Japanese John years when class is

over but I come in here and get a look

at our prize dummy something's got to be

done

all right I'll be in W next this light

brown box just quickly over the lazy dog

three o'clock class dismissed

alright girls three o'clock

now remember remember those of you who

have machines at home do try to practice

on them the rest of you my practice

going to bed early

goodbye miss Alden goodbye but if mr.

Houston see Miss ball and what does he

want the secretary tell me

[Music]

well how you progressing maybe okay

what's this are you typing in cold Oh

the cleaners got mixed up

looks like a Chinese Laundry ticket I

cannot but the Keith Connolly mix it up

yes I know

maybe we're supposed to turn out

experienced secretaries well I've got

experience Maisy

miss Bolin and I would like to know just

why you're here get McGann lazy

miss Davis asked you a simple question

all right I'm here for the same reason

every other smart girls here to get a

chance to meet nice men this doesn't

happen to be a matrimonial agency you

only think it isn't I really don't think

there's anything we can teach you I

think you better leave the class all

right if that's the way you feel about

it we couldn't have you go out

representing our school

you can't spell you can't take dictation

and you can't type there's a

businesswoman you're computing here you

can do all three and look what I've done

for you say you would trade places with

me in a minute you will pack up those

aides to beauty and get out of here fast

suppose I leave them for you you don't

need good hunting Maisie

I suppose you think a girl shouldn't

have that you should sit around and wait

for a man or keep right on sitting

around and dry up while you're waiting

you know in five years you'll look just

like your friend Helen and Helen will

look like that goodbye ladies so I'd

trade places with her would I wouldn't

you

what's the matter with you spring I

guess and Maisy she hit below the belt

there a couple of times you mean to tell

me you're giving a second thought to

what that little nitwit said what have

we got to worry about we have this

school

we're free independent we certainly are

that's just the trouble now don't tell

me you're getting spring fever too

you know I can't imagine what gets into

you sometimes I remember last spring you

wanted to sell the school buy a trailer

and visit Yellowstone Park what you need

is a good dose of sulfur molasses and

now it's Aldrin let me say let me know

why Billy is nice to see you again this

is my friend and Little Miss Baldwin I'm

going to attend your school here on

account of all you did to me oh that's

fine well we're very glad to have you

you can register right out there at the

best then it will show you oh thank you

mister already how's everything going

Betty you will look if you were doing

all right

oh I am miss Davis I'm being married two

weeks and you're a junior vice president

well congratulations

that's wonderful we're Divac so well

goodbye mrs. is dependable boom come on

remember I already nuts a girl

I sure do she graduated at the bottom

she was amazing upper class

oh did you say mr. Houston wanted to see

me he's in the reception room well

Oh mr. Houston I don't know I'm going to

love working for you all right

they shake on that looks like he's found

a secretary it's not if I know my

business

oh did you want to see me I want you to

meet miss Barlow miss davyss two of the

dearest teachers in the whole world fade

then just like mothers to me I'm so

sorry to have kept you waiting mr.

Houston I didn't mind it at all miss

Baldwin while I was waiting I had the

good luck to meet miss West

well I'm afraid miss West is a little

inexperienced Oh what I told him is

Barnabas it doesn't seem to matter I

sometimes find a lack of experience an

asset in a woman that is in a woman the

secretary yes I've always said as the

twig is bent so with the tree inclined

and only God can make a tree well

goodbye goodbye ladies oh wait wait what

nature took its course dearie

she can't even spell she can spell what

he wants in capital letters telefilm

involving mr. Baldwin speaking who is it

it's that Gilbert again you mean that

dyspeptic old career but with the

quality of publications he's fired

another one of our girls it's fired half

his office for us wants to know what's

wrong with a modern woman the modern man

I was wrong about last girl we sit over

she couldn't spell desiccate imagine

Maisy with him mr. Gilbert I'm terribly

sorry

well it's a it's a little late to send

you another secretary today but

naturally naturally I'll do everything I

can

what's the use of sending girls to here

he just fired them I'm going down there

and talk to him I just want to know what

it expects from a secretary Oh what is

this wedding and brain well you can't

talk to me is busy on another line sorry

in brain what just a minute gotta answer

the thing a rule did pictograph alright

chief I'm out of my element can't you

get it same to handle this board I know

but if you if you wouldn't fire

everything I came into the office

alright alright out get me buddy and

brain

right mr. Gilbert's office please

don't ever say that again

well I'm sorry but I have to see mr.

Gilbert so do a lot of people

I'm from the Supreme secretarial school

go right over there

I wanna Andrews oh yeah um well find

somebody who does know where he is come

in and be quick about it

well what do you want mr. Gilbert yes

the answer yes the editor I miss Baldwin

from the Supreme secretarial school and

I know you are hmm well offhand I can't

tell a thing about I will say though

that there's some suggestion of modesty

the other girls tripped in here looking

like another chorus girl but I'm not I

don't look some of that for a little

efficiency a little initiative a little

downright sober intelligence I need a

girl will pitch in here instead of my

right hand and help yeah how old are you

never mind never mind never mind you

don't have to tell me I can say that

Lance is your over 25 are you a patient

know how to take a chance anyway report

in the morning

what's the matter that the prospect at

work frighten you

oh no no it isn't that I how do you want

the job I do I don't want the job 9:30

8:30 all right

you've got the school a business of your

own you want to give that up for $25 a

week John when heaven you don't

understand he's young he's very

good-looking he's healthy he's

intelligent and he's not married so what

you're no Maisie you'll find out you're

just wasting your time

well you can't blame me for trying can

you wake up dougie

where you gonna send down to one listen

if I send one of those gals down there

and have only myself to blame

oh good morning you're late

just a minute and a half the man ROG

what's that thing oh that's a little

flower well give some people hate fever

you've got little John this morning yes

I have what I didn't have it on

yesterday now to begin with young lady

let me impress on you just what sort of

offices is we have ideals here he'll

correct living the people who work here

not just employees there are members of

an order they've dedicated themselves to

a noble purpose this opposite the shrine

nice trying to help now you'll look

better detective tation okay very good

for ages the heart has been elevated to

a place of primary importance of the

human body poets as well as scientists

have helped contribute to this elevation

by now the palace even accepted pain I

wish to explode this myth the heart is

not the seed of our emotions that place

of honor belong to the liver where do

you suppose Napoleon lost the Battle of

Waterloo less stagnant liver you got

that yes do you find that I dictate to

apprise for you just let me know

oh you can't dictate too fast for me mmm

what are you to Bullock what under

decline and fall of Rome both delivered

immediately were sluggish I'm an e

socially pink loyal still things believe

what it likes of so survive this is

Ithaca well you want to rock her no

thank you

good Paul yeah that was right in town oh

really you know I always start with the

fish good fish

popular fella

what I'll add poppycock oh good morning

good morning how's the chief helping

you're telling me I put him through his

exercises at 7:30 this morning

I'm praticed a Nutella myself well that

wasn't very bright oh I'm sorry yet you

forget my own strength but there's

nothing like being in the pink of

physical condition and that's what I am

you don't believe me take a look will

you please go somewhere else and play

what's the matter you ashamed of the

human body no not a shame just a little

tired after two hours of the human liver

I don't care if I ever see a body again

well take a look at that well that's me

before your accident what do you mean

the best part of that pictures me take a

look at that - uh sir only the face

ain't mine can you imagine it a pretty

big specimen of muscular development

like that may stick a pretty face like

that on top of it

sabotage that's what I do don't get

excited that ain't no fun

well what is it man watch 1 2 3 4 1 2 3

I like it in this little complication

snapping what first bending exercises

trunk back left right knee bending

exercises 1 2 3

page a bit a little bit stiff tomorrow

yeah I'm paralyzed why did you buy that

roughage data gene I'm going to finish

their editorials

good morning mr. Crosby mr. Gilbert

stimulates the liver watching quis have

been doing it for years

number six now rain hello what's the

meaning of this

e pluribus unum what's going on here ha

mr. closet that you got here in time to

see this so am i is your idea getting

out of magazine

mr. Gilbert 11 o'clock cobweb chasers I

admit to these exercise efficiency

remarkably I've been taking a year in

the publishing business but this is the

first time I've seen an office turned

into a playground got a lot of snap into

it the day chief they're taking hold

swell Tony drop me young man mr. Gilbert

you're in full charge of the editorial

policy of this magazine but don't you

think our employee should be kept at

work but these exercising they can do

their work better improve their

condition condition what do I care about

that condition anybody can see that

look at that so much it's time you

started worrying about your condition

now hold on Ernest that's mr. Crosby

president of project publications well

you still don't want to die young

does he billion of course not look at

Freddie here hot as a wrap why because I

get him up every morning and give him a

wipe out and you need the same thing

come on down I'll show you but I don't

want to I have the slightest intention

listen no one year put it off the tough

little of beef but I don't want to let

go of these simple rules of living are

put into effect America will get a new

efficiency there will be

more calisthenics I suppose no lunch

oh good I'm so glad you said let's shed

a little bit Rother you reserved our

employer their desks and a toast

no that's just wonderful

what's this blunt butter milk and a

brand enough you won't have that lovely

feeling from I have a stomach in fact

you'll never know you had anything to

eat

you know mr. Gilbert you could get the

same effect by not eating at all

I might say I'm very pleased the way

you've taken all of the stress Davis

Baldwin how do you feel well I have felt

fun before I got healthy well hell I

feel just the chippers when the day

started yes now here's a textbook on

human health I want you to read and

these are back numbers of the magazine I

want you to soak so to speak in the

ideals and principles of our work well

know which shall I read first all of

them the book is mirrored to give you a

basic understanding of human health the

magazines will tell you how we're trying

to improve them Teddy the book and then

read the magazine for all our recreation

isn't there something else no that's

fine that's right and I must say I like

your interest I'm only sorry that I

hadn't what time any more about it now

like that say yeah have you got a dinner

engagement tonight no I don't have

dinner with me - hungry huh yes I'm

stunned I took like something come on

then you know there's no reason why

everyone in this country should be twice

as healthy and that means twice as happy

and twice as efficient well I think

that's a wonderful idea

Oh have I shown you our article on body

telling an office efficient thing in the

May issue no you wish to order now sir

what would you like was Baldwin oh I'd

like a steak a big steak smothered with

onions that sounds very good doesn't

make it to with the sort of vegetable

yes sir

here we are I think is one of the best

things I've ever done now I see what do

you think what is the man's first plot

when he wakes each morn if he is healthy

and normal it would be to look forward

eagerly to the problems of the day now

there's no reason why everyone shouldn't

feel that way all the time

looks good doesn't it do you mind if I

just sort of dive right in don't ride

ahead

ProTools the greatest substitute for

meat in the world nothing but vegetable

and nutz ground together but it looks

exactly like a steak doesn't it mm-hmm

and it's much better for you how do you

like it

well it's about time I begun to be

worried about you hey what happened

dinner sure horsehair net for stuffing

what are you talking about my boss took

me to dinner and fed you horsehair straw

are you crazy

is he crazy I wait four years finally I

pick my man and what is he a slave liner

a calisthenic expert a guy that lives on

mattress stuffing you see that it's meat

that's bad for you you lose your teeth

your eyesight your brain cells it's slow

death steak mmm come kill mama he looks

into your eyes to find out the condition

of your liver there's nothing human

about him he's a total loss and that's

what I think Helen he didn't even know I

was there

well I told you you tell me what that

you're no Maisie you pick a man and look

what you get when there's not even

normal it's back to school for you honey

oh what a pity what a pity it looks so

nice and when he smiles he smiled twice

today I tell you it warms you right

there any toes

playtime to get you a big dose of sulfur

and molasses

I'm Fredo vitamins are you dear well I

haven't seen you for ages well I got you

out so early

I'm not getting out I'm just kidding in

you're looking just as disgusting they

help me as ever well you don't you want

to come right out here and do some real

quick go away go away go away go will

you make me dizzy hey I gotta come up

and see you sometime but you're always

so confound a little busy well why don't

you give me a ring Tampa

hold your horses dynamite hey I almost

forgot it

thanks for tipping me off to that

supreme secretarial school did I get a

good luck oh she's essentially well I've

had pretty good luck there - I've had

her two weeks already and she's the

perfect secretary Oh fine well obviously

you're not Fred

go ahead a land

oh good morning miss Lola we've been

here again Oh mellow flower

I know what you got to say but I was

good hey fever

well out so not about 14 already how

long do I have to keep this up did you

break down deal in did you get the photo

Bash from the art department yes good

could I see the thing

just a minute I'm surprised that you

must follow why I asked you to get me

two or three cuts to illustrate my

article and common sense and outdoor

sports well I think mr. Gifford I

thought you'd been here long enough to

appreciate the idea of the body and

brain pictures like this have cheap and

sensational oh I don't see why they're

all dressed for sports Anthony hmm I'm

the rest of you ask me a lot of semi

nude women

well you see I know that everybody likes

to look at pictures of pretty girls so I

thought mr. Gilbert office yes right

away mr. cross he wants to see you

Natalie won't do it take them back and

get me some sentiment cut now relax your

witness exercise to a little unity Hey

right at all senior rep for the exercise

[Applause]

oh now we deeply inhale exhale

[Applause]

[Music]

exercising perhaps I've been away from

general awareness get so many much

across me what I've got to say won't

take long

of all my magazines I feel that buddy

and brain has the best idea behind their

do you think so but last month

circulation was a new law and this month

is another below well have you any

improvements to suggest in the magazine

that's your business what I work results

[Applause]

now relax you'll be sore for a couple of

days but pay no attention to it it's all

in the mind

I'll be sensible enough mr. Gilligan the

print is waiting to see if you want to

see

[Applause]

something wrong no well just a minute

miss Bolan I'd like to speak to you

about something it's a expression

are you busy this evening no the I

suppose you could leave me say in

Central Park I'd love to

what about 8:30 just inside the 96th

Street entrance 8:30 just inside the

96th Street entrance that's right

hello hello yeah shall we get started

yes I'd like to walk for an hour every

night now much follow and I'm going to

be quite honest with you I like you very

much oh I'm so glad I have a feeling

that you like me too yes I do yes

I'm afraid I was a little rough with you

this morning about those photographs oh

that's all right I just thought they

might brighten up a magazine do it mmm

so you think it needs brightening huh

well you know you're getting our

magazine for people to read in my

sausage don't be afraid to say what you

think I admire frankerz man with a

purpose of syriza's manner that's become

biased not even lose my proper

perspective and I suppose even with a

subject of scientific a diet and

bodybuilding one has to remember that

we're trying to reach the public and I

suppose we should make the magazine

reach as many of that public as possible

I'd even go so far as to say flowers to

walk a little slower mr. Gilbert no

certainly put the whole value of

exercise in the brisk pace that you say

I just can't stand the strain

Oh mr. Gilbert what is it you want to

talk over the magazine what's the matter

with it well well if I wanted to appeal

to people I'd use a little showmanship

give him some laughs laughing is good

for people besides nobody wants to pay

for instruction you've got to fool them

into it oh you make a sort of a racket

out of it I suppose why not everybody

else does it you buy toothpaste because

a couple of blackface comics make you

laugh coffee isn't coffee anymore it's

an amateur hour and so why soaps the

road to love

ballyhoo that's what gets him you seem

to know a lot about magazines don't you

I was editor of my college magazine for

two years really well then what

precisely do you suggest just what

you've got mr. Gilbert but with some new

trimmings now take your covers who wants

to look at a man with great bulging

muscles everybody likes to look at a

beautiful woman put in one of those

bathing suits you could thread a needle

with and everybody will stop and look

the women will try to figure out how

they wait a minute just a minute miss

Baldwin

I'm not putting out a sex magazine body

and brain is a dignified publication but

it doesn't have to be done well that's

where we don't agree I don't think it is

dull

[Applause]

I don't think you're enjoying your

locals Baldwin have you any further

observations to make beginning to rain

that's fine I love rain Oh your soil and

saw blood circulating in when I can't

figure out is how a man like you catches

cold you live right right you breathe

deep

I don't know it's got me I'll take that

thing your way get me my shoes what are

you gonna do then go into the office

what are you trying to do kill yourself

a man who built up body resistance like

I had doesn't kill itself

now listen chief funs fun but you ain't

going to no office this is one time I'm

taking charge what about the magazine

it'll keep it what tomorrow of the

deadline listen if you get up out of bed

today tomorrow be your deadline if that

means okay's everything I'll just go

down tell miss Baldwin to shoot it

through you tell her I got a sprained

ankle it's got a cold fast

will you please tell the printer

there'll be some changes in the dummy we

won't be ready to go to press too late

this afternoon thank you

you wouldn't believe the guy on that

covers really me with well I'll have to

take your word for it

but I still don't believe it

somebody's gone crazy

good morning mr. Gilbert why did you do

it oh you mean the madness I mean the

magazine he took advantage of my absence

and put an atrocity on the market why

did you do it I know I took a great

Liberty but I wanted to help you I

thought if you could see one issue with

a little human appeal you'd realize the

value of human appeal you've ruined the

magazine oh that's not fair mr. Gilbert

well every article in editorial in there

is yours just as you lined it up I

merely put a new dress on it gave it a

little better who to help us it look

what you've done to my article on

calisthenics in the home illustrator but

an actor is taking a sunbath

upside down and in place of my diet

chart you've got two pages of actors and

actress fooling around Palm Springs but

everybody's interested in movie stars

and everything they do and that shows

how they keep fit this is a Health

magazine miss Baldwin health not a

circus you were brought in here as a

secretary not an advisor and just

because I was foolish enough to ask your

opinion about the magazine you took

advantage of it you like all the other

women in business you can't keep your

place let me tell you - are you mr.

Gilbert you knew and sub people and you

act like a lunatic look there I'll get a

few of my chips that'll be all out of it

won't either you want them to be editing

a Health magazine you ought to be

getting a paper out for crap nuts you're

not a human being yo-yo you're an

animated character you are fired no I'm

not

I've already resigned

[Applause]

well there's no use smoking yourself to

death just because she got fired I

didn't get fired I quit what makes me so

mad is I was only trying to help his own

magazine and he thanks me with a punch

in the nose

how do you like that I don't like it but

it serves you right for ever letting on

you're smarter than the man they can't

take it it was a crazy idea in the first

place well now that you've had your fun

maybe you're ready to come back to

school where you belong that's that

Ernest again I'll make it go away with

you watch well well what I'm asking you

don't be so bellicose you know you men

don't like women with belly toes I have

no trouble from you mr. gilded I came to

say Miss Baldwin mister miss Baldwin

that's right or when them oh yeah

Carroll miss ball one isn't here I don't

mind waiting

what did you come here for well I I've

got something to say to you

I thought you said everything this

morning I forgot to say that you save

the magazine but doing that you probably

saved my job too yeah the new stands are

sold out furthermore I'm going to see

that Mr Crosbie knows exactly what you

did well that would be a silly thing to

do

well I didn't do anything I simply took

the magazine that you will wrap it up in

cellophane and tied a ribbon around it

yes but that's just what made the

difference well that's perfectly absurd

I didn't do anything anybody couldn't do

love Cara you know the two of us

together could turn out a pretty swell

magazine that is if you'd come back to

the office no I I don't think I want to

why not well you live by so many rules I

couldn't possibly manage to do

everything your way

oh well then tell me always you've

already shown me that I'm getting in a

rut now you can sort of help me keep out

of a rut you really mean that certainly

I mean it come on let's celebrate have

dinner with me at the eat right now

course not I said we're going to set up

right

all right all right in her sit down and

make yourself comfortable I'll be back

in a minute

first we'll have two martinis and then

some of blue points and then some filet

mignon artistic about medially

oh no rare just can't believe it

well I said we're going to celebrate you

know I didn't like this is by getting

drunk it doesn't kill you it isn't

heaven to love maybe I was right about

you in the first place I didn't think

about it the first time yourself you

know you really have smile what's

happened to the chief well what's the

idea of scaring me half to death what

makes you so nervous you worried about

him too oh oh you mean mr. Gilby sure

you know for the last week he's been

acting funny he walks around whistling

and grinning he don't even pick his wipe

out series it's got me worried I'm

beginning to think he's just human after

all

shows how on observing you are I know he

was human the first time I saw him

yes mr. Gilbert right away your dress

yes do you like it very much

brings out the color of your eyes oh no

bill all right - you bet I will well

I'll make time yeah well what about four

o'clock come on will you take another to

list across new please dear mr. Crosley

hello Frances did you call me a while

ago mmm I was in conference mm-hmm yeah

he's an affable the last day or two ever

since he heard his wife was coming home

mmm today it was really awful oh yeah

wouldn't it since I may be leaving here

tomorrow hmm are you mean can say I'm

getting a month's pay a bonus and he's

fixing it up for me to take a much

better position

you know everybody's young and he isn't

married he's a big publisher gets out a

magazine called body and brain are you

screaming yeah yeah our first time he

says carrots and nuts to me Fred no I

fell well I appreciate this old man I

know how busy you usually are but I well

I just had to see you

it is yes what's the matter well to tell

you the truth I'm in a kind of a jam

that's why I couldn't better better

Scottie go to the phone oh well let's

have it

well it's this way my wife gets in from

Europe tomorrow and well you know well

sir

she's difficult very difficult yes I

know outside mm suspicious quick

tempered but smart yes ma'am yeah that's

just a tall list you'll see me through

one job what do you want me to do well

well you remember that secretary I told

you about oh yes the one you said with

such a sensation yes yes almost she's

more than a secretary Fred that is I

mean uh-huh oh yes you make such a

difference in an office personality or

in valuables yes I pay a $50 a week oh

she must be good well everybody's tenth

of it or very superior type uh-huh oh I

can see that

maybe she's disappearing as realtor no

[Applause]

no pardon my intrusion but mr. geum's

here oh wait come here a minute please

mr. Gilbert I want you to meet my

secretary miss West how do you do

okay mr. Gilbert niala classmate the

college gee I wish I could have been

there with you boys

I mean

I think education is terribly important

I'm feeling pretty near getting a dose

of it myself

[Laughter]

my father was awfully ambitious on

account of me I can hear him like it was

only yesterday saying to mama mama

we ought to do something about ladies

mind and we of course he never did on

the commas being took very sudden and

please me look after poor mama

but even if I couldn't take a course I

was always lapping up culture well I

think I better see mr. Egan Oh Maisie

that perhaps mr. Gilbert would like a

highball I don't think I will

oh that's wonderful I wish more men were

like that some people ask me for being

so temperance but it sure burns me up to

see men guzzling a lot of hooch of

course that's only one person's opinion

it's a very solid opinion if I may say

so please sit down mr. Gilbert no thanks

I hope you don't mind my saying how much

I admire you mr. Gilbert I don't like to

do it my name is West on account of

being a publisher and so forth are you

always have admired Emanuel as literary

know do you read body and brain every

week body and brain comes out every

month I read it every week it's it's

like an inspiration to me I try so hard

to live like it says in your magazine I

think the body is awfully important

don't you mr. Gilbert terribly important

my mother would have the same opinion I

can hear her say now take care of your

body maybe because it's all you've got

of course it hasn't been very easy on

account of my not being strong I'd often

think my body's my own worst enemy

Wow music please mr. Houston ask mr.

Gilbert me was discussing our body and

what do you think about very very

unusual girl but now that you've seen it

you can understand that with my wife

coming back well things are going to be

extremely awkward - oh I can see there

don't misunderstand red my wife Elsa is

just insanely jealous

anyhow I've I've got to let her go

cool well sir no no no no no my

secretary oh and I can't just turn her

out so why you I want you to take afraid

me wait on a plaid plaid please you're

going to do this you're going to help me

I've already got a secretary I'm perfect

secretary Fred you've gotta yeah look

here my work is highly specialized I

need somebody trained well I'll tell you

what I might be able to do I might be

able to place her in our stenographic

department oh no no that would never do

no amazing I mean miss West she's very

ambitious she wouldn't consider anything

less than private secretary and after

all 20,000 men like you I'm sorry bill

and I'd like to help you out but and I

wish you wouldn't insist on this thing

really there is no place in my

organization for miss West so long do

what did I say last nothing it haven't

started yet you're going to do how to

keep your teeth

no Carol I've been thinking the way

circulation is piling up fire our

workers have to get pretty heavy for us

here

oh that's good well of course

too much work isn't good for anybody how

are you helping we should be able send

it no no no I really mean it

nothing pulls one down more than

overwork mr. Gill but I've never heard

you talk this way before

what's the matter you catching another

cold of course not you're going to

dictate oh yes take this the function of

the teeth is to chew yes I've got that

you know cow it's remarkable how you've

taken hold here it's remarkable really

remarkable well I'd wanted to help yeah

well of course but I was thinking that

if you could be relieved at some of the

minor office details you know why you

could to help me more with a magazine

I've been able to take care of

everything so far ahead and I should

have but I mean I was thinking that well

if there was somebody around you know

down to the phones and take routine

dictation and things like that well

you'd have more time to help me mr.

Gilbert I think another girl in the

office would just be in the way why you

don't need another secretary don't you

think so no do you

oh no I don't think so no I suppose not

why of course not why you don't need

another secretary and more than I do

it's perfectly ridiculous

morning

al good morning well how do people be

the associate editor I didn't dream you

or planning anything like this well I

tried 250 off the other day when I asked

you about getting in your secretary

oh that's what you'll and you know it's

very funny I thought you would he'll be

very funny thank you for the flowers

thank you for everything you've been so

sweet oh did it that much more what

about your new secretary how do you mean

couldn't I interview Sam for you oh no

no I couldn't think of bothering with a

little detail like that no no besides

I've got one already it's just like

having one of my dreams come true and I

say that's very kind of your letter I

think my associate editor had better

person you first just as a matter of

form of course what we recommend please

it says she a woman oh yeah oh dear I do

hope you like me women don't always do

it because I know mr. Gilbert I just

know I love working for you Oh Carol

this is my new secretary Miss West just

reporting for work oh you two know each

other

yes yes mr. Bhalla was my teacher at

business college

oh well splendid why you couldn't give

me a better recommendation she certainly

was wonderful to me more like a mother

than a daughter well a fine Carol I

think you better take miss West and sort

of initiator into the mysteries of a job

well I don't think there's anything I

can teach her but mother Baldwin we'll

do our best

well this go back to your leaving the

school and turning up here the truck

certainly was surprised to see you

amazing oh yeah hope I'm not taking your

place

oh no but don't let that worry you

does mr. Gilbert know anything about

your work you see I mean mr. Huston is

the man I've been working for he's a

little old friend mr. Gilbert

well why did he let you go Oh kind of

does wife coming home from Europe

can you imagine what some women are

funny that way

I just know I'm gonna be happy here I

think you'll find it differently amazing

I think I like it mr. Gilbert has such a

compelling personality I'll give you a

little advice about mr. Gilbert you're

wasting your ammunition it's closed

season all year round with oh yeah how

do you know well I I do happen to know

that everything about this office is

strictly business why I do be you are

jealous aren't you amazing cat that mind

of yours grasp and the other kind of

idea you're too upset

a fine example you are a young American

what's the idea of crawling back to bed

after my 7:30 wake up with me well I

don't attempt to lay your condition at

my doorstep you were not with me last

night or any other night for the last

two weeks you know Chief I'm ashamed of

you

after all my conditioning you go soft on

me now looked amazing hmm

she was with me I know I know she's

always with you but it doesn't get it

down like it that's you oh no not

amazing I was down to the office just

now I'm giving my 11 o'clock wake up and

there she was up bright day chipper is a

mosquito you know chief the trouble with

you is you're getting old it's like the

colic when it hits a man your age goes

tough with

how many more yes mr. Crosley and when

it comes

hello mr. Gilbertson conference send a

manuscript to me yes your correspondence

me for all morning for a couple of

letters Maisie

did you work do this on your own little

typewriter yes and with my own little

fingers you make up your own little

words don't you can't you read I'll have

to hire an interpreter to translate this

one I can't understand you miss Baldwin

mr. Gilbert so sweet he never finds

fault with what I do yes I've noticed

that he was saying only yesterday maybe

I've never had a secretary like you he

probably meant it well he's here that is

the Buddy is I'm not sure about the

brain well I got a girl now ain't that

sir he had arrived again last night

didn't get in until five o'clock this

morning she seems to thrive on it

but he can't stand it much longer

neither can I seem excited anything

wrong mr. Gilbert we go to press next

week and not one page of the layout has

been okayed by you I've had to write two

editorials over your name pick the art

talk to the advertisers keep rather than

from worrying I'm beginning to run out

of

that's enough that's enough that's bad

enough besides what do you suppose I

made you associate editor for if I

didn't expect you to do most of the work

well I can take an awful lot but I can't

take Maisy's letters I'd saved this

brilliant example especially for you

dear mr. Hotchkiss Maisy spells the name

without the ch a president of the

university family man with a beard she

calls dear mr. Hotchkiss mine must be

wondering it was on a coke store listen

to this your learner article on the

value of a milk duet milk do it hmm I

suppose that smelt from two cans she

meant a milk diet your learner article

on a value of a milk do it will be

published in our next tissue Oh Maisie I

don't suppose she was ever cut out for a

business career I'm afraid she wasn't

well I would have to do something about

it that's all what do you suggest she's

your secretary not mine well that's very

true at the same time I think I hurt her

feelings no I think she can stand it you

know what that letter got out it would

make the magazine ridiculous and it's

got the stuff that's all gender in here

yes mr. Gilbert no no just a minute

Karen I just want to say and I realized

I've been looking on the job and but

there won't be any more of that now

Shirley Elijah been playing much too

much of the work I think the Toba should

get together and go over this layout you

wouldn't mind working Saturday afternoon

would you

no well okay that's fine just as soon as

I got through with my Maisie trouble to

bees it 11

don't worry about that amazing mr.

Gilbert wants to see you

[Music]

well hello how about lunch

now again Helen I have to work this

afternoon with mr. Gilbert well what's

the wonderful about that say you don't

like the kappa Ted for Canaries Helen

that's happened what's happened he's

filing Maisie I don't believe it it's

true she's in his office now she's been

there for over an hour that is telling

you plenty well that doesn't sound so

good the kind of firing is going on in

there isn't costing anybody a job he

comes now something tells me this is

going to be I've got a quarrel in a

while but we'll get to work just as soon

as I get back say about 2:30 so you took

care of mazing all I said we did chase

through with the office now you told him

well no not yet

that is not exactly after all and things

like this one have to use a certain

amount of diplomacy I'm going to explain

amazing how we feel about our work yeah

I'm gonna have a talk with ya so I'm

taking you out to lunch how that will

teach you a lesson

no well in a delicate situation like

this why a wise man uses diplomacy

what does a woman use in a delicate

situation mm-hmm I'll be back after

lunch

yes well I'm awfully sorry Carol I

I didn't mean to stand you up like this

but you see my my aunt Agnes just got in

town from Schenectady yeah and I have to

take her out to dinner but would you

mind meeting in the office after dinner

well it wouldn't make any difference if

I did would it the work has to be done

and well good girl then I'll see you at

8:00

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause]

okay

don't you feel right yet where's the

chief don't ask me I thought he was

working with you so did I maybe you'll

learn a man's mind isn't always on his

work whether we don't worry no earnest

I'm the word and if anybody should ask

you she's about to turn yes

well look Carol I I didn't mean to hold

you

honest I didn't but right after dinner I

said and Agnes you gotta go home she

said I'm going to Atlantic City and

what's more you're coming with me

because I kicked like a steer but but

you know holidays are the woman yes mr.

deal but I know exactly how it is well I

I think you should go you you'll

definitely need a rest you've been

overworked yes Atlantic City would do a

lot of good happy weekend the man's gone

crazy

no Ernest just human and how did he get

that way I did it huh I did it with my

little hatchet i hatched him from a

health egg into a human being

got him all fixed for Maisie to pick off

oh I can fix it for other people you

know because I'm efficient I'm a

businesswoman but not anymore

I didn't get somebody

the department away described their

service you okay this traffic mr.

Gilbert mr. Crozier he's been trying to

get you some fairly this morning right

so you didn't get him on the phone mr.

kill but I can don't clear this until

you look at all what is that what's

going on here will you please sign this

editorial be a chance to get my hat off

[Applause]

don't call me toast why not in the

office I'd like you to remember it's mr.

Gilbert and it's name you say to do tom

is waiting to see you together we can't

go ahead with these color place until

you locate them hiya chief nice to see

you back

how's your aunt Agnes where's Carol oh

you mean that human dynamo made the

wheels go round miss officer where is

she well you can you're doing all right

you still got amazing shut up where is

she Oh haven't you heard she's gone left

resign throwing up the sponge she's

quick

I'm mr. Gilbert I want to say miss

bobbin

she's busy mr. Gilbert along with it all

day dr. sale it's very important sorry

mr. Gilbert miss Davis I want to talk to

Carol she's busy I tell you I've got to

see her she doesn't want to see you she

doesn't want to talk to you

she doesn't tend to well she doesn't

[Applause]

I want to talk to you I never saw you

when you were mash will you please go

you're disturbing my class if I don't

see you for five minutes I'll disrupt

the class girls do you're warming up

exercises until I've listened Carol I

know it's partly my fault but I'm back

on the job now and I need you I'm not

going back to the office

why not because I don't want to I don't

like the work I don't like the office I

don't like working for you now will you

please stop annoying me listen Carol I

promise it won't happen again from now

on I'll be working right alongside you

right alongside you

I suppose that ought to make me sing a

couple of songs you're so satisfied with

yourself and you keep on making one

mistake right after the other first you

act like a fussy old maid next you're

sillier than a college boy out on a

spree you haven't any sense at all why

anybody could have told you how to

improve your old magazine come back and

work for you I should say not while

you're you're stubborn you're conceited

you're selfish you're incompetent and

and you're such a fool I never want to

see you again

sun is shining pretty singing a banana

TV with me Wow little boy blue is that

really this morning can you sleep no

matter you gone nuts

ya know that is I happen but I'm not now

wait a minute maybe I'm that's very nice

I've got it all figured out I couldn't

sleep

I was sitting here thinking and all of a

sudden I realize what was the matter

with me what I'm in love

no think it what a survivor not to think

of it before

honest she's a wonderful girl and when I

think what's happened how patient and

Laurel and sweet she's been why I just

want to spend the rest of my life trying

to make it happy you don't have to kiss

me that'll make nobody happy now that

she's an angel really she is listen this

is no thrill for me

save it for Maisie Maisie I'm talking

about Carol Carol you mean you won't

Carol yeah now that I'm sure I don't in

love with her for weeks and didn't know

it or unless you know it's a wonderful

thing you know there's something wrong

with you and all of a sudden you find

out what it is it's a love story that's

what it is cheap a beautiful love story

there's one thing that worries me what's

that

Maisie what are you gonna do about

Maisie oh there won't be any trouble

about Maisie no trouble at all

take a letter

I must write here if you please mr.

Jones if I talk too fast let me know I'm

telling the great industry from

regulating rates of office work for the

other class vanishing the relative

credit an efficient thing I didn't get

that well why I didn't do it I don't

know how you expect to be heard if all

you do is mumble I never mumble so you

say mm-hmm I'll get you again I'll be

good enough to listen this time I'll

listen if you don't mumble I not studied

with great interest your system of

regulating rates of performance in

office work by the use of breaths

registering the relative curves

inefficiency how do you spell efficiency

yeah

you would not a spell efficiency would

you you don't know what it means please

don't mumble your words I look amazing

what are you trying to do get rid of me

because if you are you might as well

stop trying

I've got no notion of me I like it here

see I like the hours my let's pay some

of the people give you a pain in the

neck listen you can't have everything

don't worry about me leaving toots when

I get ready to leave I'll leave

[Applause]

well gee how'd you make out I was

listening at the door but all I could

hear was a lot of mumbling written mais

he isn't leaving mais he likes it here

what I can't understand is how you come

to get hold of her in the first place

had I come to get a whole Ernest you're

a genius

a wizard a veritable Einstein how did I

get get out I got a lot of important

work to do plan

hello get me mr. Houston right away why

Fred oh man how are you why I say to

myself only this morning I must give it

all Fredo ring and here you come right

along with the telephone call ha ha the

more I see it too never did the more I

believed in it yes sir shut up

talk talk talk and say nothing and how's

Maisie oh she's fine has a bailer

Mace's I called you up didn't see your

joy yes I have a treasure too she looks

like the black hole of Calcutta yeah my

wife picked her out will you listen to

me well I try to tell you something now

I'm not the man for Maisie I want to

give her back to me I can't tell you how

glad I am to see you yeah I've been

thinking I certainly am glad to see you

you know I was just thinking about you

when you came in there's something of

great importance to have to tell you yes

the reason I came you know on those

sectors of machines but believe me she's

more than a machine

she's really a superior time you've done

a lot for me now I have a chance to do

you a good turn now I feel that after

her record was me that mr. West should

have more opportunity than this office

can afford she has the personality to be

the private secretary to a very

important man like like yourself mr.

Gilbert oh yes Maisie I'd like to meet

Mr Crosbie the president of our company

oh I'm so glad to meet you mr. Crosby

I've heard your voice too often over the

phone and every time I try to imagine

what you look like

oh yes over the phone one planet I'm

afraid I was a little short with you the

small oh I didn't mind and the matter of

fact I prefer short men some of the

greatest men in history were short men

for instance there was Napoleon who's

always been an ideal of mine I am

suppose I shouldn't say it mr. Crosby

but from the very first day I heard your

voice over the phone I said to myself

there is Napoleon no I really did

because I'm a firm believer in

carnations mm-hmm how would you like to

work for me Oh mr. Crosby

it's just like having all of my dreams

come true suppose we go up to my office

we can talk better effect if you're

wasting Mexico at the end I'll get my

hat all I know if they gave up their

apartment they're almost a month rent

paid in advance and I did nice not

question didn't to leave any forwarding

address oh they just put the things in

the trailer and trailer yeah you know

one of them flying jocks

they had a new car Joe they just pulled

out but they must know which direction

they went sure

and what's on the street that way

if I'd known how much fun it was to quit

work believe me I wouldn't have slaved

these last eighteen years about a single

vacation will you sit down how do you

expect me to do any work can I think I

can't think so good standing still I'll

take a run around the block I can't

understand how you keep your mind on

your wake I can't but the magazine I've

got a bit of press doesn't look did you

get any answers to them wanted no I had

a swell idea but the cops wouldn't go

for it for a while to have photographs

of Carol and Helen and every post office

in the country you know like the police

do and then have a reward whoever saw

them and told us about it but the cops

weren't cooperated

they said the girls wasn't Public

Enemies you know if we sang wait a

minute wait a minute I got an idea

listen get Jones on the art department

I'm bringing here right away okay

now what he is stopping for another

newspaper I suppose I want some gum

if you're looking for the new issue of

body and brain it's in the rack outside

coffee body breaking

have you forgotten anything huh

toothbrushes toothpaste now we've got it

I hope you feel better I just wanted to

see the general layout

and my well are you still think so

before I'm through with him what are you

gonna do make him eat it I may be just

shooting

[Music]

what you're doing I won't let to see

this

well the magazine was an all-in used to

end yesterday even if they got as far as

Boston or volume law Carroll auto show

up today

[Applause]

look here that is right look

[Applause]

okay let's do the one down stop pedal

we're coming in with our own

[Applause]

look amazing I'm very fitted as well I

only grabbed him for a minute

I thought you might be glad to see me

well I am and I do want to thank you for

all you've done for me Fred I just love

working for mr. Cosby yeah I'll sure you

would look I'm awfully busy why did you

do this why now Carol darling I left

town just to get away from you why did

you have to pursue me with this I can't

understand it I just can't understand it

I worked day and night for you I did

everything I could to help you when I

left it was because I just couldn't

stand it any longer why miss Barling

you're getting all red in the face

amazing the time is I've been you can

have him until then I can't bear looking

at what you'll never know how he leans

on me hell I know I've been an awful

fool but I got rid of the lady just as

fast as I could as a matter of fact the

day after you left why did you want to

make me ridiculous it was the only way I

wanted you to come back I don't want to

come back are you insane

what enough to marry me

[Applause]

[Music]

totally wakes each morning if he is

healthy and normal it would be to look

forward eagerly to the problems of the

day no there's no reason why everyone

shouldn't feel that way all the time

oh that's good doesn't it do you mind if

I just sort of dive right in don't ride

ahead

ProTools the greatest substitute for

meat in the world nothing but vegetables

and nuts ground together but it looks

exactly like a steak doesn't it and it's

much better for you how do you like it

well it's about time I begun to be

worried about you hey what happened

[Applause]

dinner sure horsehair neck for stuffing

what are you talking about my boss took

me to dinner in fed you horsehair straw

are you crazy is he crazy I wait four

years finally I pick my man and what is

he a slave liner a calisthenic expert a

guy that lives on mattress stuffing you

see that it's meat but it's bad for you

you lose your teeth your eyesight your

brain cells it's slow death steak mmm

come kill mama he looks into your eyes

to find out the condition of your liver

there's nothing human about him he's a

total loss and that's what I think Helen

he didn't even know I was there

well I told you you tell me what that

you're no Maisie you pick a man and look

what you get one that's not even normal

it's back to school for you honey

oh what a pity what a pity it looks so

nice and when he smiles you smiled twice

today I tell you it warms you right down

these halls

playtime to get you a big dose of sulfur

and molasses

my friend old vitamin B well I haven't

seen you for ages well I got you out of

early

I'm not getting out I'm just kidding in

you're looking just as disgustingly

healthy as ever

well you don't you want to come right

out here and do some roadways go away go

away go away go will you make me dizzy

hey I'm a to come up and see you

sometime but you're always so

confoundedly busy

well I wanted to give me a ring from her

old job boss is dynamite hey I almost

forgot it thanks for giving me up to

that supreme secretaries whom did I get

a good vibe oh she's in sense danger

well I've had pretty good luck there -

I've had a to leach already and she's

the perfect secretary Oh fine well

obviously you're not selling old bread

go ahead a land

oh good morning the phone beeping here

again Oh mellow flower I know what you

got to say but I whisper hey fever

well apps are not about 14 already how

long do I have to keep this up

cuz you break down dealin did you get

the photographs from the art department

yes good

just a minute I'm surprised at you mr.

Baldwin why I asked you to get me two or

three cuts to illustrate my article and

common sense and outdoor sports well I

did mr. Gillman I thought you'd pay me

along up to appreciate the idea of the

body and brain pictures like this and

cheap and sensational oh I don't see why

they're all dressed for sports aren't

they hmm I'm dressed if you ask me a lot

of semi nude women well you see I know

that everybody likes to look at pictures

of pretty girls oh I thought mr. Gilbert

office yes right away mr. Crosby wants

to see it

Natalie going to take them back and get

me some sentiment cut now relax your

witness exercise to a little unity save

your breath for the exercise

[Applause]

oh now breathe deeply inhale exhale

[Applause]

[Music]

exercising

perhaps have any weight from - no

awareness get throw they went across me

what I've got to say won't take long of

all my magazines I feel there buddy and

brain has the best idea behind dad you

think so but last month circulation was

a new law and this month is another new

law well have you any improvements to

suggest in the magazine that's your

business what I want results now relax

you'll be sore for a couple of days but

pay no attention to it it's all in the

mind

I'll be sensible enough mr. yelman the

print is waiting to see you do you want

to see is anything wrong no oh just a

minute miss Bolan I'd like to speak to

you about something

it's a expression

are you busy this evening

no you suppose you could meet me say in

Central Park I'd love to

what about 8:30 just inside the 96

Street entrance 8:30 just inside the

96th Street entrance that's right

hello hello yeah shall we get started

yes I like to work for an hour every

night now much porn I'm gonna be quite

honest with you I like you very much oh

I'm so glad I have a feeling that you

like me too

yes I do yes I'm afraid I was a little

rough with you this morning but a

photograph oh that's all right I just

thought they might brighten up a

magazine it mmm so you think it needs

brightening huh well you know you're

getting our magazine computers read in

my sausage don't be afraid to say what

you think I admire frankerz man with a

purpose of syriza's manner that's become

biased not even lose my proper

perspective and I suppose even with a

subject of scientific as diet and

bodybuilding one has to remember that

we're trying to reach the public and I

suppose we should make the magazine

reach as many of that public as possible

I'd even go so far as to say if I was to

walk a little slower mr. Gilbert no

certainly put the whole value of

exercise in the brisk pace that you say

I just can't stand the strain

Oh mr. Gilbert what is it you want to

talk over with the magazine what's the

matter with it

well well if I wanted to appeal to

people I'd use a little showmanship give

him some laughs laughing is good for

people besides nobody wants to pay for

instruction you've got to fool them into

it oh you mean make a sort of a racket

out of it I suppose why not everybody

else does it you buy toothpaste because

a couple of blackface comics make you

laugh

coffee isn't coffee anymore it's an

amateur hour and so why soaps the road

to love Sally who that's what gets him

you seem to know a lot about magazines

don't you I was editor of my college

magazine for two years really well then

what precisely do you suggest just what

you've got mr. Gilbert but with some new

trimming hello Fred Oh a fellow I

appreciate this old man I know how busy

you usually are but I well I just had to

see you

you did yes what's the matter well to

tell you the truth I'm in a kind of a

Jag that's why I couldn't better but

discuss it over the phone

oh well that's have it well it's this

way my wife gets intramural tomorrow and

well you know well sir she's did

very difficult yes I know outside mmm

suspicious quick-tempered

far but smart yes ma'am yeah that's just

a tall list you will see me through one

job what do you want me to do well well

you remember that secretary I told you

about oh yes the one you said it's such

a sensation yes yes almost she's more

than a secretary Fred I mean oh yes you

make such a difference in an office

personality or invaluable yes I pay a

$50 a week oh she must be good well

every cent of it or get it superior type

huh oh I can see that maybe she's too

superiors realtor no pardon my intrusion

but mr. Egan's here oh wait come here a

minute please mr. Gilbert I want you to

meet my secretary miss West how do you

do okay mr. Gilbert niala classmate the

college gee I wish I could have been

there with you boys

I mean I think education is terribly

important I've been pretty near getting

a dose of it myself

[Laughter]

my father was awfully ambitious on

account of me I can hear him like it was

only yesterday saying to mama mama

we ought to do something about ladies

mind oh yeah of course he never did on

the common being took very sudden and

leave me looked after poor mama

but even if I couldn't take a course I

was always lapping up culture well I

think I better see mr. Egan Oh Maisie

perhaps mr. Gilbert would like a

highball thanks I don't think I will

oh that's wonderful I wish more men were

like that some people ask me for being

so temperance but it sure burns me you

have to see men guzzling a lot of hooch

of course that's only one person's

opinion it's a very solid opinion if I

may say so please sit down mr. Gilbert

no thanks I hope you don't mind my

saying how much I admire you mr. Gilbert

I don't like to do as my name is list on

account of being a publisher and so

forth are you always have admired

Emanuel

very no do you read body and brain every

week but in brain comes out every month

I read it every week it's it's like an

inspiration to me I try so hard to live

like it says in your magazine I think

the body is awfully important don't you

mr. Gilbert terribly important

my mother was of the same opinion I can

hear her say now take care of your body

maybe because it's all you've got

of course it hasn't been very easy on

account of my not being strong I often

take my body's my own worst enemy mr.

Houston ask mr. Gilbert me was

discussing our body and what do you

think about very very unusual girl you

see but now that you've seen her you can

understand that with my wife coming back

well things are going to be extremely

awkward to follow I can see that don't

misunderstand red my wife Elsa is just

insanely jealous anyhow I've I've got to

let her go oh well sir no no no no my

secretary oh yes and I can't just turn

her out so why you I want you to take a

thread me wait on tap read read read

you're gonna do this you're going to

help me action I've already got a

secretary I had perfect secretary Fred

you've gotta help me out look here my

work is highly specialized I need

somebody trained well I'll tell you what

I might be able to do I might be able to

place her in our stenographic department

oh no no no that would never do no

amazing I mean miss West she's very

ambitious

she wouldn't consider anything less than

private secretary and after all to an

important man like you I'm sorry bill

and I'd like to help you out but and I

wish you wouldn't insist on this thing

really there is no place in my

organization for Miss West so long do

what did I say last nothing it haven't

started yet no you were going to do with

how to keep your teeth

don't care I've been thinking the

waiting circulation is piling up fire

our workers have to get pretty heavy for

it here oh that's good well of course

too much work isn't good for anybody how

are you helping we should be able to no

no I really mean it

nothing pulls one down more than

overwork mr. Gill but I've never heard

you talk this way before

what's the matter you catching another

cold of course not you're going to

dictate oh yes of course

take this the function of the teeth is

to chew yes I've got that you know cow

it's remarkable how you've taken hold

here it's remarkable really remarkable

well I wanted to help yeah well of

course but I was thinking that if you

could be relieved at some of the minors

office details you know why you could to

help me more with the magazine well I've

been able to take care of everything so

far ahead and I should have but I mean I

was thinking that well if there was

somebody around you know down to the

phones and take a routine dictation and

things like that why you'd have more

time to help me mr. Gilbert I think

another girl in the office would just be

in the way why you don't need another

secretary don't you think so

no do you I don't think so no I suppose

not

why of course not why you don't need

another secretary and more than I do

it's perfectly ridiculous

morning good morning

well the people of India associated

editor well I didn't dream you're

planning anything like this well I tried

250 off the other day when I asked you

about getting in your secretary oh

that's what you meant you know it's very

funny I thought you were ill yeah that's

very funny

thank you for the flowers thank you for

everything you've been so sweet

Oh get it that much more what about your

new secretary

how do you mean couldn't I interview Sam

for you oh no no I couldn't think of

bothering with a little detail like that

no no besides I've got one already it's

just like having one of my dreams come

true and I say that's very kind of your

letter I think my associate editor had

better person your first just as a

matter of form of course we recommend

please instead she a woman oh yeah oh

dear I do hope you like me women don't

always do because I know mr. Gilbert I

just know I love working for you okay

well this is my new secretary Miss West

is just reporting for work oh you two

know each other

yes yes I know mr. Bhalla was my teacher

at business college oh well splendid why

you couldn't give me a better

recommendation she certainly was

wonderful to me more like a mother than

a daughter

hello fine Carol I think you better take

miss West and sort of initiator into the

mysteries of our job I don't think

there's anything I can teach her but

mother Ballwin we'll do our best

well this go back to your leaving the

school and turning up here surprised to

see you amazing hi yeah hope I'm not

taking your place

oh no but don't let that worry you

does mr. Gilbert know anything about

your work I mean mr. Houston's and then

I've been working for he's a little old

friend mr. Gilbert well why did he let

you go I kind of knows why coming home

from Europe can't imagine what else some

women are funny that way

I just know I'm gonna be happy here I

think you'll find it differently amazing

I think I like it mr. Gilbert has such a

compelling personality I'll give you a

little advice about mr. Gilbert you're

wasting your ammunition it's closed

season all year round with oh yeah how

do you know well I I do happen to know

that everything about this now take your

covers who wants to look at a man with

great bulging muscles everybody likes to

look at a beautiful woman put in one of

those bathing suits you could thread a

needle with and everybody will stop and

look the women will try to figure out

how they wait just a minute just a

minute miss Baldwin

I'm not putting out a sex magazine body

and brain is a dignified publication but

it doesn't have to be done well that's

where we don't agree I don't think it is

dull

[Applause]

I don't think you're enjoying your

locals Baldwin have you any further

observations to make beginning to rain

that's fine I love rain oh your soil and

soft blood circulating in when I can't

figure out is how a man like you catches

cold you live right right you breathe

deep

I don't know it's got me I'll take that

thing your way get me my shoes what are

you going to do I'm going to the office

what are you trying to do kill yourself

a man who built up body resistance like

I had doesn't kill itself

now listen chief funs fun but you ain't

going to no office this is one time I'm

taking charge what about the magazine

it'll keep it what tomorrow of the

deadline listen if you get up out of bed

today tomorrow be your deadline if that

means okay's everything I'll just go

down tell miss Baldwin to shoot it

through you tell her I got a sprained

ankle it's got a cold

well your place teleprinter that'll be

some changes in the dummy we won't be

ready to go to press too late this

afternoon thank you

you wouldn't believe the guy on that

covers really me with you well I'll have

to take your word for it how do I still

don't believe it

somebody's gone crazy

good morning mr. Gilbert why did you do

it oh you mean the magnet cause I mean

the magazine you took advantage of my

absence and what an atrocity on the

market why did you do it I know I took

great Liberty but I wanted to help you I

thought if you could see one issue with

a little human appeal you'd realize the

value of it human appeal you've ruined

the magazine oh that's not fair mr.

Kelvin for every article in editorial in

theirs you're just as you lined it up I

merely put a new dress on it gave it a

little better who to help itself look

what you have done to my article on

calisthenics in the home illustrator

what an actor is taking a sunbath upside

down and in place of my diet charge

you've got two pages of actors and

actors fooling around Palm Springs but

everybody's interested in movie stars

and everything they do and that shows

how they keep fit this is a Health

magazine miss Baldwin health not a

circus you are brought in here as a

secretary not an advisor and just

because I was foolish enough to ask your

opinion about the magazine you took

advantage of it you were like all the

other women in business you can't keep

your place let me tell you mr. Gilbert

you knew and so people and you act like

a lunatic there I'll get a few of my

chair it won't either you want them to

be editing a Health magazine you ought

to be getting a paper out for crap nuts

you're not a human being yo-yo you're an

animated character you're fired

no I'm not I've already resigned

[Applause]

well there's no use smoking yourself to

death just because she got fired I

didn't get fired I quit what makes me so

mad is I was only trying to help his own

magazine and he thanks me with a punch

in the nose how do you like that I don't

like it but it serves you right for ever

letting on you're smarter than the man

they can't take it I was a crazy idea in

the first place well now that you've had

your fun maybe you're ready to come back

to school where you belong so that's

that Ernest again I'll make it go away

will you watch well well what I'm asking

you

don't be so bellicose you know your men

don't like women with belly toes I don't

want to have no trouble from you mr.

gilded I came to say miss ballin mister

miss Baldwin that's right or when them

oh yeah

Carol miss ball one isn't here I don't

mind waiting

what did you come here for well I I've

got something to say to you I thought

you said everything this morning I

forgot to say that you save the magazine

but knowing that you probably saved my

job - yeah the newsstands are sold out

furthermore I'm going to see that mr.

Crosby knows exactly what you did well

that would be a silly thing to do well I

didn't do anything I simply took the

magazine that you will wrapped it up in

cellophane and tied a ribbon around it

yes but that's just what made the

difference well that's perfectly absurd

I didn't do anything anybody couldn't do

no camera you know the two of us

together could turn out a pretty swell

magazine that is if you'd come back to

the office no I I don't think I want to

why not well you live by so many rules I

couldn't possibly manage to do

everything your way

oh well then don't y'all worry you've

already shown me that I'm getting in a

rut now you can sort of help me keep out

of a rut you really mean this certainly

I mean it come on let's celebrate have

dinner with me at the eat right now

course not I said we're going to set up

right all right all right in her sit

down and make yourself comfortable I'll

be back in a minute

first it has two martinis and then some

of blue points and then circulate in

your mouth stick about medially

oh no rare just can't believe it well I

said we're going to celebrate you know I

didn't like this is like getting drunk

it doesn't kill you if it doesn't happen

to love them maybe I was right about you

in the first place

I didn't think about it the first time

yourself you know you really are what's

happened to the chief well what's the

idea of scaring me half to death

what makes you so nervous you worried

about him too

oh oh you mean mr. Gilbert sure you know

for the last week he's been acting funny

he walks around whistling and grinning

he don't even take his wipe out series

it's got me worried I'm beginning to

think he's just human after all

shows how on observing you are I know he

was human the first time I saw him

yes mr. Gilbert by the way your dress

yes do you like it very much

brings out the color of your on it oh no

bill oh yeah sure bet I will

well I'll make time yeah well what about

four o'clock come on will you take

another to list across new please

[Applause]

yeah Mr Crosbie

hello Francis did you call me a while

ago hmm

I was in conference hmm yeah he's an

affable the last day or two ever since

he heard his wife is coming home mm-hmm

today it was really awful oh yeah what

do you think I may be leaving here

tomorrow hmm

are you mean can say I'm getting a

month's paying a bonus and he's fixing

it up for me to take a much better

position you know I happen but he's

young and he isn't married he's a big

publisher gets out a magazine called

body and brain is screaming yeah yeah

when I first time he says carrots and

nuts to me

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

laughs - crap

Matt back relax girls relax

don't attack your machines remember the

typewriters an instrument not a man

Peter Hollens yep pick a nice puppy make

me pull the poor pussy's

poor man second and we'll be rare man

that baby stop today

fine till spring Lincoln it's always

spring with my little darlings they only

know one season and that's the mating

season it is a beautiful day J mixed

Jerry the Jester don't sneak juggled

Japanese odd of years when class is over

but I come in here and get a look at our

prize dummy something's got to be done

all right I'll be in W next this light

brown fox jumps quickly over the lazy

dog three pucks class dismissed

all right girls three o'clock

now remember remember those of you who

have machines at home to try to practice

on them the rest of you my practice

going to bed early

goodbye miss Alden goodbye but if mr.

Schuester to see Miss ball and what does

he want a secretary

turn re-elected

[Music]

well are you proposing maybe okay what's

this are you typing in cold Oh the can

you've got mixed up

looks like a Chinese Laundry ticket I

can't out but the keys gotta mix it up

yes I know

maybe we're supposed to turn out

experienced secretaries well I've got

experience Maisie

miss Bolan I would like to know just why

you're here get the get lazy miss Davis

asked you a civil question I'm here for

the same reason they're every other

smart girls here to get a chance to meet

nice men this doesn't happen to be a

matrimonial agency you know I really

don't think there's anything we can

teach you I think you'd better leave the

class all right if that's the way you

feel about it

we couldn't have you go out representing

our school you can't spell you can't

take dictation if you can't type is it

business woman your compute thing here

you can do all three and look what it's

done for you say you had trade places

with me in a minute you will pack up

those aides to beauty and get out of

here fast

suppose I leave them for you you don't

need good nothing Maisie I suppose you

think a girl shouldn't have that you

should sit around and wait for a man

I'll keep right on sitting around and

dry up while you're waiting you know in

five years you'll look just like your

friend Helen and Helen will look like a

goodbye ladies so I have trade places

with her would I wouldn't you

what's the matter with you spring idea

and Maisy she hit below the belt there a

couple of times you mean to tell me

you're giving a second thought to what

our little nitwit said what have we got

to worry about we have this school

we're free independent we certainly are

this is the trouble now don't tell me

you're getting spring fever too

you know I can't imagine what gets into

you sometimes I remember last spring you

wanted to sell the school buy a trailer

and visit Yellowstone Park what you need

is a good dose of sulfur molasses and

never say why Billy is nice to see you

again and this is my friend and mrs.

miss Hoban I'm going to attend your

school here on account of all you did to

me oh that's fine well we're very glad

to have you

you can register right out there at the

best then it will show you oh thank you

mr. Allred how's everything going Betty

you will look if you were doing all

right

oh I am miss Davis I'm being married two

weeks and you're a junior vice president

well congratulations

that's wonderful we have I think so

well goodbye miss a mister behind the

floor room come on remember every

night's a girl I sure do she graduated

at the bottom she was amazingly upper

class

oh did you say mr. Houston wanted to see

me

he's in the reception room well

Oh mr. Houston I just know I'm going to

love working for you

alright let's shake on that looks like

he's found a secretary it's not if I

know my business

oh did you want to see me I want you to

meet miss Bowen miss Davis two of the

dearest teachers in the world they've

been just like mothers to me I'm so

sorry to have kept you waiting mr.

Houston I didn't mind it at all miss

Baldwin while I was waiting I had the

good luck to meet in this West

well I'm afraid miss West is a little

inexperienced Oh what I told him is

Barnabas it didn't seem to matter I

sometimes find a lack of experience an

asset in a woman that is in a woman the

secretary yes I've always said as the

twig is bent so with the tree inclined

and only God can make a tree well

goodbye goodbye ladies

oh wait wait let nature take its course

dearie she can't even spell she can

spell what he wants in capital letters

telephone is vuelven miss baldwin

speaking who is it

it's that Gilbert again you mean that

dyspeptic old credible with the Crosby

publications he's fired another one of

our girls it's fired half his office for

us wants to know what's wrong with a

modern woman the modern man what was

wrong with her Glasgow we sit over

she couldn't spell desiccate imagine

Maisie with him mr. Gilbert I'm terribly

sorry

well it's it's a little late to send you

another secretary today but naturally

naturally I'll do everything I can

what's the use of sending girls to him

he just fired them I'm going down there

and talk to him I just want to know what

it expects from a secretary well what is

this buddy and brain well you can't talk

to me busy on another lap buddy and

brain just a minute gotta answer to the

thing a rule did Victor grant all right

chief I'm out of my element tend to get

a dame to handle this board I know but

if you wouldn't fire everything I came

into the office all right you all right

out dead really buddy and brain

where's mr. Gilbert's office please

don't ever say that again

well I'm sorry but I want to see mr.

Gilbert so do a lot of people

I'm from the Supreme secretarial school

go right over there

I want Andros oh yeah tell I'll find

somebody who does know where he is come

in and be quick about it well what do

you want mr. Gilbert yes the answer yes

the editor I miss Baldwin from the

Supreme secretarial school and I oh you

are well off and I can't tell a thing

about I will say though there's some

suggestion of modesty the other girls

tripped in here looking like another

chorus girl oh but I'm not I don't look

some of that for a little efficiency a

little initiative a little downright

selber intelligence I need a girl a

little pitch in here instead of my right

hand and hell yeah how old are you never

mind never mind never mind you don't

have to tell me I can say that lenses

you're over 25

are you efficient I'll take a chance

anyway or o'clock in the morning what's

the matter that the prospect of work

frighten you oh no no it isn't that I

don't you want a job I do I do want the

job 9:30 8:30 all right you've got the

school a business of your own you want

to give that up for $25 a week John when

heaven you don't understand he's young

he's very good-looking he's healthy he's

intelligent and he's not married so what

you're no Maisie you'll find out you're

just wasting your time well you can't

blame me for trying can you wake up

dougie

well you gonna send down to him listen

if I send one of those girls down there

and wanted myself to blame

[Applause]

oh good morning you're late just a

minute and a half the man watch what's

that thing oh that's it's a little

flower well I'll give some people a

fever and Sarah you've got people John

this morning yes I have what it didn't

have it on yesterday now to begin with

the young lady let me impress on you

just what sort of office this is we have

ideals here he'll correct living the

people who work here not just employees

there are members of an order

they've dedicated themselves to a noble

purpose this opposite the shrine nice

trying to help now you'll look better

detective tation ok very good

alright yes the heart has been elevated

to a pleasure primary importance of the

human body poets as well as scientists

have helped contribute to this elevation

by now the fallacy is an accepted plain

language to explode this myth the heart

is not the seed of our emotions that

place of honor belongs to the liver

where do you suppose Napoleon lost the

Battle of Waterloo let stagnant liver

you got that yes do you find that I

dictate to impress me I just let me know

oh you can't detect too fast for me mmm

what is your bullet pot under decline

and fall of Rome but the livers

immediately were sluggish some an e

socially think well are still things

agreed what it likes to survive this is

perfect oh well you want to rock Eric

thank you goodbye yeah

films raining towns oh really you know I

always thought the fish good fish

popular fellas

well I say that pop it up

oh good morning honey

how's the chief helping you're telling

me I put him through his exercises at

7:30 this morning

I'm raddest a Nutella myself well that

wasn't very bright oh I'm sorry I keep

forgetting my own strength but there's

nothing like being in the pink of

physical condition and that's what I am

you don't believe me take a look uh will

you please go somewhere else and play

what's the matter you ashamed of the

human buddy no not a shame just a little

tired after two hours of a human liver I

don't care if I ever see a body again

well take a look at that well that's me

before your accident what do you mean

the best part of that pictures me take a

look at that - uh sir only their face

ain't mine can you imagine it a perfect

specimen of muscular development like

that may stick a pretty face like that

on top of it

sabotage that's what I do don't get

excited that inner fun what is it man

watch one two three four one two three

alright get in this problem okay

snapping goes first bending exercises

trunk back left right knee bending

exercises 1 2 3 ready to be a little bit

stiff tomorrow

yeah I'm paralyzed what did you buy that

rubbish dollar genius I'm gonna finish

that editorial oh by the way home

boy mr. Crosby mr. Gilbert stimulates

the liver watching quis have been doing

it for years

number six now ray hello say what's the

meaning of this e pluribus unum what's

going on ha ha mr. Carvin dad you got

here in time to see this

oh my if you like getting out a magazine

mr. Gilbert 11 o'clock cobweb chases I

admit to these exercise you steps of

proficiency remarkably I've been luckier

than the publishing difference but this

is the first time I've seen an office

turned into a playground got a lot of

snap into it today chief they're taking

hold swell don't even up the young man

mr. Gilbert you're in full charge of the

editorial policy of this magazine but

don't you think our employees should be

kept at work but these exercising let

them do their work better improve their

condition condition why do I care about

that condition anybody can see that

look at that so there's much it's time

you started worrying about your

condition

now hold on Ernest that's mr. Crosby

present a project for vacations well you

still don't want to die young

does he Julian of course not look at

Freddy here hot as a wrap why because I

get him up every morning and give him a

wipeout and you need the same thing come

on down I'll show you but I don't want

to I have the slightest intention listen

the one you put it off the tough little

of beef but I don't want to let go of

these simple rules of living are put

into effect America will get a new

efficiency there will be

more calisthenics I suppose no lunch oh

good I'm so glad you said that said a

little erratic we serve our employer at

their desks and a toast

no that is wonderful what a bit blunt

buttermilk in a bran muffin you won't

have that lovely feeling from a heavy

stomach in fact you'll never know you

had anything to eat

you know mr. Gilbert you could get the

same effect by not eating at all

[Applause]

I'm not saying I'm very clear the way

you've taken all of the stress Davis

Baldwin how do you feel well I felt fun

before I got healthy hair like you're

just a chippers when the day started yes

now here's a textbook on human health I

wanted to read and these are back

numbers of the magazine I want you to

soak so to speak in the ideals and

principles of our work well know which

shall I read first all of them the book

is mirrored to give you a basic

understanding of human health the

magazine's will show you how we're

trying to improve them steady the book

and then read the magazine for our

recreation isn't there something else no

that's fine that's right I must say I

like your interest I'm only sorry that I

hadn't what time any more about it now

like that say yeah have you got a dinner

engagement tonight no I don't have

dinner with me - hungry huh yes I'm Stan

you like a good time come on Lana you

know there's no reason why everyone in

this country should be twice as healthy

and that means twice as happy and twice

as efficient well I think that's a

wonderful idea

Oh have I shown you our article and body

telling an office efficient thing in the

May issue no you wish to order now sir

what would you like was Baldwin oh I'd

like a steak a big steak smothered with

onions that sounds very good doesn't

make it to with the sort of vegetable

yes sir

here we are I think it's one of the best

things I've ever done that I see what do

you think what is the man's