Original subtitles

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

FRANK: This is Willowbrook,

the littlest town with the biggest heart

right here in the center of Kansas.

You know, I know everybody in this town,

and I know all their stories.

But no story is crazier

than the story of Gail Daughtry and the Celebrity Sex Pass.

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)

Hey, Ollie.

FRANK: And that's Gail right there.

She's a shining light around these parts. (CHUCKLES)

You know, I don't like playing favorites with people in the town

but fuck it, I don't give a shit.

Gail's my favorite.

And in just a couple of weeks,

we're all gonna be gathering to go to her wedding to Tom,

her high school sweetheart.

-Hi, Frank. -Morning!

-And as for me, well, my name is Frank. -MAN: Hey, Frank!

If you haven't figured it out from context, what I do for a living,

maybe this big bag of mail will help clue you in.

Still stumped?

Well, let me give you another little hint.

I'm a mailman.

Think you got it now? But enough about me.

This story's really about Gail.

There's a tornado brewing on the horizon,

and it all starts with an innocent conversation

at the hair salon where she works

-with her best friend, Otto. -GAIL: Hi.

-Good morning! -Hello! Hi, honey!

(SHOUTING) Hi, Ronald! Sorry I'm late!

(CHUCKLES) Gail, sweetie, we're just talking about

the celebrity free pass. Who's yours?

-Celebrity free pass? -Yeah.

-What's that? -Oh, you know,

it's like, uh, each member of a couple gets one celebrity that,

given the chance, they could have sex with.

Ah!

Right? And the other one gives them a free pass to do so.

Mine is Liam Neeson.

-Oh. -Because I suspect in the bedroom,

(IN IRISH ACCENT) he has a particular set of skills.

(LAUGHING) Oh, you're bad!

Tom is obviously my celebrity pass.

After all, he was the starting quarterback on the Wildcats.

Okay, but if you had to pick someone who was not your boyfriend?

-He's my fiancé, Otto. -Oh.

I finally got him to buy the cow after giving him all my milk for free.

-Take that, Mom! -Honey, don't I know it?

I mean, I am gonna be standing right by your side,

absolutely sobbing like I'm watching Schindler's List for the 12th time.

I thought you only watched it 11 times.

I watched it again last night.

Anyway, I gotta get myself a fancy suit for the big day

-when I'm in LA this weekend. -(GASPS)

-That's right! -Mm-hmm.

You're going to the West Coast Hairstyling Expo. (GROANS)

I'm really jealous of you.

Oh, well, get ready to be mucho jealous.

"Mucho jealous"? (CHUCKLES) Look at you.

-Sprinkling a little Spanish in there? -Mm.

Who knew that you were bilingual?

Uh, honey, I'm bi-everything.

Biweekly?

-Okay, you got me. -Got you.

Anyway, my point is, guess who's gonna be at the expo?

-Who? -Hairstyling guru...

Wait for it.

-Remy Fontaine. -(GASPS)

Remy Fontaine is gonna be there?

-That's right! (LAUGHING) -Remy Fontaine!

King of the whip curl Remy Fontaine?

His Royal Highness himself.

-I'm even more jealous. (GROANS) -Mm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)

I've never been to California. I've never even been out of the state.

-(HAIR DRYER WHIRS) -Honey, why don't you come with me?

Quick three-day trip.

We'll hobnob with all the Hollywood stars

-at the Universal CityWalk. -(CHUCKLES)

Ugh. I can't, there's so much going on here.

I'm forcing Tom to drive me into the city to go to a book signing later

and the wedding's in two weeks, so... (GROANS)

Los Angeles sounds amazing.

(SHOUTING) Doesn't it, Ronald?

TOM: Los Angeles? Ugh.

-Too many people there. -GAIL: Yeah, that's what Ronald said.

TOM: And as for the free pass thing,

the only celebrity I've ever had a crush on

is a certain Wildcats head cheerleader.

Oh, that's sweet.

You've always been the bagel under and on top of my cream cheese.

Aw. But if you did have to pick a celebrity...

Tilda Swinton. She'd be my pass.

Oh.

-What about you? -I don't know.

Honestly, I never thought about it.

Well, what about Jon Hamm?

Didn't you think about him

when you used to use the handheld shower head?

When I was like 16...

through 19.

Now I really regret telling you that.

We're never getting stoned again.

Oof. Fine by me. It's too expensive.

Anyway, that's perfect.

Jon Hamm's your celebrity pass.

Okay. Can we move on now?

-Anything for my bagel. -Thank you, my cream cheese!

"Chop one medium-sized onion.

"Fine.

"Chop one stalk of celery.

"Fine. Chop two cloves of garlic.

"Add one pound of ground beef..."

-She's incredible. -(JENNIFER CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

No, you're not wrong. Color me impressed.

"Salt and pepper to taste.

"Enjoy with one to two glasses of tap water."

-Wow. -(CROWD CLAPPING)

-Aw, thank you. -Whoo-hoo!

WOMAN: Yeah. Just...

-Thank you so much. -WOMAN 2: Hi.

Thank you so much for coming.

Appreciate it so much.

Oh, hi. I'm Gail. I'm such a big fan of yours.

And not just of the cookbook. I've seen your acting on TV,

-and the movies... -Thank you.

-...even before The Morning Show. -That's so sweet.

Sorry, where are my manners? This is my fiancé, Tom.

I've never seen any of your stuff.

We're getting married on the 27th.

Oh, you're so cute. I'm gonna do something special for you.

-You are? (CHUCKLES) -Yes. Yes, I am.

(PEN SCRATCHING)

Oh, I won't cheat. (CHUCKLES)

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

(WHISPERING) She smells so good.

Okay.

-(SIGHS) Enjoy that. -Thank you so much.

You're so welcome.

Oh, my gosh!

She's even nicer in person than she is in the cookbook.

I have to admit, I never felt one way or the other about her.

But you were right. She's fantastic.

-She's got a new fan. -Yeah?

Oh, you gonna change your celebrity pass to Jennifer Aniston?

-You know what? -(LAUGHING)

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Okay, Jennifer Aniston, it is.

But that means if you meet Tilda Swinton somewhere,

you have to keep your hands to yourself.

Got it. If Tilda Swinton knocks on the door

and wants to hop in the sack, I'm gonna tell her, "Not today, Tilda."

BOTH: Not today!

-Do you remember where we parked the car? -Yeah, it's that way.

-Your fiancé remembers everything. -(LAUGHS)

-Ah! Except my keys. -Oh.

Which are in my jacket, which I left inside.

-Okay. -I'm sorry.

-That's fine! Okay. -Give me two minutes.

Okay. Scrambled eggs, butter toast, pancakes.

Just add water. That sounds so good.

Instant oatmeal with honey.

Bagel with cream cheese. "Bagel with cream cheese."

Where is he?

GAIL: Sir! Sir?

Hi. Excuse me, sir.

My fiancé came back here over an hour ago.

Tom? Hello?

-Try here. -Thank you so much.

-(TOM MOANING) -GAIL: Hello?

JENNIFER: Oh, yeah. Yeah, right there.

TOM: So, what do you think? We start with season one, or...

JENNIFER: Yeah, sure. I'll have my assistant get you the DVDs. (MOANS)

-Tom? -(GASPS)

Gail! I was just about to text you.

I thought you were looking for your coat. But you're...

You're...

Gail, this was my one free pass. Remember earlier?

GAIL: You took it literally?

Hold on. I'm getting a little worried here.

Just a second. Uh, you know, um...

Tom said that you were okay with this.

I mean, otherwise, I would have never done it, you know?

I mean, I respect your commitment way too much.

Tom, you said she was okay with this.

Yes, we talked about this before.

So, what's happening? I don't understand.

Gail, please tell Jennifer Aniston about the free pass.

-Please call me Jen. -This is not happening.

I just came in to get my jacket and I couldn't find it.

Yeah. And then I saw him really distraught,

so I thought, "Okay, let me help him."

And then I thought, "This is a really special guy."

-Aw. -And, well, you would know.

-I mean, you're marrying him. -(EXHALES)

And then he told me about the celebrity pass,

and I thought, "Well, what the hell?"

We're right here. Why not?

Be a great story for you guys to tell at your wedding.

-(CHUCKLES) -Fun half hour for me.

But you know what? I'm a very instinctual person,

and I'm kind of really getting the idea that you're super not into this.

OTTO: I am so glad you changed your mind.

I thought it was like a silly little exercise.

Not literal license to have sex with Rachel from Friends.

Forget about him, Gail.

We're gonna have so much fun in LA this weekend.

-GAIL: Yeah. -(MACHINE BEEPS)

-TSA AGENT: What's in here? -Those are all just hairbrushes.

I'm a... (CHUCKLES) I'm a hairstylist.

(DEVICE BEEPING RAPIDLY)

OTTO: Don't worry. I'm... I'm cool.

I have a steel plate in my head,

and I have the paperwork from my doctor right here.

Yeah, I had an accident with a piñata.

You think I look bad? You should see the piñata.

All right, Universal CityWalk. Bubba Gump Shrimp. Whoo!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-Welcome to Los Angeles. -(PLANE ENGINE WHIRRING)

WOMAN: (OVER PA) For your safety, please be aware of mudslides...

Hi. My name is Gail.

WOMAN: (OVER PA) ...and earthquakes.

Uh, listen, there's no flowery way to say this.

I have to take a mondo shit, so I'll be back in a sec.

-Mm. (CHUCKLES) -(CELL PHONE DINGS)

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA)

SERGIO: Come on, there's no chance that's him.

-Oh, my God. -It is him.

(EXHALES)

MARCO: Oh, my God.

Mr. Henry Winkler. We are huge fans.

-Thank you so much. -Oh, my... Otto!

Mr. Winkler, hey, look, look, look.

-I have a tattoo of your face! -HENRY: Looks just like me.

Yeah, I got this when I was stupid drunk in Key West.

SERGIO: No regrets, Mr. Winkler.

-No regrets. -(GASPS) Otto!

-MARCO: Can we get a photo? -It would be my pleasure.

-Really? -Come on, come on.

SERGIO: Yeah? HENRY: Let's do it quickly.

I got a plane to catch.

Do you want me to take the picture?

MARCO: Oh, yeah. HENRY: Just step over here.

Lighting is everything. Here we go.

Happy Days. Night Shift. Arrested Development.

-Barry. -Hey, those are my credits.

SERGIO: Henry frickin' Winkler!

-I have a plane. -(LAUGHS)

-Thank you, thank you. -Okay.

-Thank you, young lady. -Thank you so much.

-GAIL: I'm a big fan. -Thank you.

-Hey! -Hey!

-Yeah, I used to say that. -(SERGIO AND MARCO LAUGH)

Thank you. Take care, guys.

Wow! And they say never meet your heroes.

-What a mensch. -Oh! Unbelievable.

Hey, what are you... Don't put the case down.

We lose this, we're dead men.

Well, sometimes we make exceptions

-to even the most important rules... -(GAIL LAUGHS)

...when celebrities are involved.

Sorry. I spaced for a second. Can you repeat that, please?

I said, sometimes we make exceptions

to even the most important rules when celebrities are involved.

OTTO: (SIGHS) Hey.

GAIL: I just saw my first Hollywood celebrity.

No way. Who? Give me a hint.

-Jewish. -Henry Winkler.

-Yes! -Yes! (WHOOPS)

-Oh, my God! Wow! -(LAUGHING)

Okay. We are definitely in Hollywood now, huh? Wow.

MAN: (OVER PA) Welcome to LAX...

(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Get in.

(SERGIO CLEARS THROAT)

(IN ITALIAN) Has the briefcase left your person at any time?

(IN ENGLISH) Um... Pardon me.

We don't speak Italian.

Okay, so I ask again.

Has the briefcase left your person at any time?

Sorry, you said, "I ask again," but to be fair,

this is the first time we're hearing the question

in a language we understand.

And, no, I assure you,

I've had the case by my side the entire trip.

SERGIO: Mm.

You know, as a teenager,

I dreamed of only two things.

The first was to rid myself of what was, at that time,

a truly horrible case of acne.

BOTH: Oh.

The second dream was to dismantle the corrupt global financial system,

leaving in its place a storm of chaos and anarchy.

I mean, go big or go home, right?

Dream number one was realized

by the time I was 19.

-See? See? Look. -Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-SERGIO: Beautiful. -All clear.

-Like a porcelain doll. -Like a freshly peeled egg.

LUDOVICA: But dream number two...

Well, technically, it might be dream number three

because there was a short time when dream number two

was to sing an aria from La Bohème at La Scala.

-Wow. -Oh, holy shmoly.

But that was a lot of, you know...

When push came to shove, I wanted a social life.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Mm. Yeah.

So dream...

Let's call it dream number three had remained just that, a dream.

The one about dismantling the financial system.

-That's the one. -(SUITCASE LOCK CLICKS)

A lifetime of sacrifice,

pain and sorrow

has led me to what's inside this case.

My dream, number three.

-What a journey. -Amazing.

(SUITCASE UNLOCKS)

-That's you. -You want me to...

Yep.

LUDOVICA: Are you quite sure

you never let go of my case?

Quite sure.

I would bet my life on it.

-(MARCO GROANS) -Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my Lord!

Sergio, can you explain this?

(PANTING) Thinking... Thinking more carefully...

Yes, there was a moment at the airport where he put down the case.

I was very mad.

But, yes, he put it down. I was very mad at you. Uh...

-"Gail Daughtry, hairdresser." -SERGIO: God.

(IN ITALIAN) Find this little bug

and bring my briefcase back to me!

(IN ENGLISH) Again, I...

You know what?

I think... I think I get the sentiment.

You want... You want me to find the...

You want me to find the girl and then get...

-Then get the case back? -Now!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

-(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA) -(LUDOVICA SHOUTING IN ITALIAN)

GAIL: We're not in Kansas anymore.

-OTTO: Yeah. Right? -(GAIL SIGHS)

DRIVER: Welcome to the City of Angels, folks...

-Whoo! -...where the streets are paved with gold.

Oh, thank you. My name is Gail.

-This is... -No, no.

Names are not necessary.

All I need is a destination.

Yeah. The Sunset Grandeur Hotel.

-3225... -3225 Hollywood Boulevard. I know it well.

-OTTO: Hmm. -(HORN HONKING)

DRIVER: Now, I'll give you a little piece of advice

I give everyone when they arrive.

A lot of people come into town thinking overnight

they're gonna be the next Elizabeth Perkins.

-(OTTO CHUCKLES) -But let me tell you something.

Liz Perkins did not become Tom Hanks' love interest in Big

-right off the bat. -OTTO: Hmm.

And you can't do what Liz Perkins does.

You gotta be you!

There's only one Liz Perkins,

and her name happens to be Elizabeth Perkins.

You know what? I'm very tired.

Do you mind if I pull over, take a quick power nap?

Can you not make it?

You know what? I can power through.

I'll power... I can do it. I can power through.

Everyone is such a character

-in this town, huh? -Yeah.

NICCOLO: Did you deliver the case? SERGIO: There was a problem.

The boss was not happy, so she, uh...

She killed Marco right in front of my face.

NICCOLO: Oh. God. I'm so sorry, Sergio.

I need to find this Gail Daughtry,

or Ludovica's gonna kill me, too.

Yeah, we'll find this "Gail."

And as much as we mourn the loss of Marco...

we'll celebrate the life he led, huh?

SERGIO: Yeah, his life was cut short

but he was lucky to be one of the very few

to count Mr. Henry Winkler as one of his good friends.

-Huh? -Oh!

I buried the lede.

We met Henry friggin' Winkler at LAX!

-No shit? -Yeah.

-Vinnie Barbarino. -One and the same.

(BEEPING)

Here we go. Gail Daughtry.

Arrived at LAX this morning.

-Leaving Sunday. -(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

No hotel reservations. (GRUNTS)

-We have to find that case. -Let me tell you something.

We are gonna find the case,

and Gail Daughtry is gonna get a bullet in the back of the brain.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)

DRIVER: Here we are.

-Right by the Hollywood Walk of Fame. -(BRAKES SCREECH)

Now keep your eyes peeled,

-because Liz Perkins could be anywhere. -Oh.

This place is incredible.

It really is.

(BOTH GASP)

There's Remy Fontaine!

Okay, you do know he created the whip curl, right?

Yes. What? Of course.

I'm as much of a Fontaine junkie as you are.

OTTO: I'm just making sure.

Okay, we have you for two nights.

I can put you in a room on the top floor.

Hey, hey, hey. Top floor. Fancy.

Just tell me that you have an elevator?

Honey, this is Hollywood.

Almost every hotel has an elevator.

-Unbelievable. -Wow.

Now, your room won't be ready for an hour.

We can hold your bags,

and you can take a walk down the one and only Hollywood Boulevard.

-(OTTO LAUGHING) -Oh, my goodness.

I can't wait. Where do we even start?

Oh! I'll show you my list of must-see destinations.

-GAIL: Okay. -Here is a killer burger joint.

-GAIL: Mm! -And the best coffee shop

this side of the Mason-Dixon Line...

right here.

Now, if you wanna do some shopping, cosmetics, stuff for around the house,

head here and ask them to show you all their different gums.

-GAIL: Ah. -(GASPS) Or if... getting your dick sucked

is more your speed, head here,

go around back behind the dumpster.

Ask for Glenn Stein. He's the best.

Okay! Well, what the heck are we waiting for?

-Yeah! -(LAUGHING)

(OTTO SIGHS)

-OTTO: Mm. -Mm!

(BOTH MOAN)

GAIL: Can you show us your gums?

-(GASPS) -OTTO: Wow.

-GAIL: Good luck. -Okay.

Ah!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

It's Tom. Should I pick up?

-Ew. Don't. -I'll just say...

No, take your space. There's really nothing to say.

GAIL: Hey, what do you want?

Hey, we need to tell the caterers by Monday if we're canceling.

Otherwise, we lose our entire deposit.

It's a lot of money, Gail.

Well, maybe you should ask your good friend Jennifer Aniston.

She could afford to cover the cost, I would think.

Yeah. Maybe she can cater it with her pussy, Tom.

-You could just eat that. -Yeah, eat that!

-Okay? Goodbye. -No, don't...

-(LINE DISCONNECTS) -I hung up on him.

Okay. That's my Gail.

-Gal. Girl. Good for you, doll. -(LAUGHING)

-Yeah, good for me. -(LAUGHS)

GAIL: Oh. This could be fun.

-Do you wanna get a psychic reading? -Mm...

-Why? -I mean, I'm all for fun,

-but it looks a little nasty, doesn't it? -(SCOFFS)

Coming from a guy who just got a blow job,

behind a dumpster in a puddle of I don't know what.

For the record, Glenn said that the puddle was actually filtered water.

-Okay. -But you know,

this psychic stuff, it's all BS, right?

Yeah, if BS stands for "Best Psychic." Come on.

-That would actually be "BP." -(DOOR CHIME DINGS)

GAIL: Okay, Mr. Harvard Law School.

OTTO: Hey, I wasn't gonna play that card.

(FIRE SIZZLING)

(LAPTOP CHIMES)

(KNIFE THUDS)

-Bingo-bango. There she is. -Yeah, now we just gotta study this photo

for clues as to where it was taken.

Okay, all right, it's outside.

NICCOLO: Yeah, it looks like Asia.

-SERGIO: Maybe Japan? -Like the Far East.

Colorful. Spider-Man's there.

-Is that Superman? -Yeah.

Okay, let's be real. This is gonna take a while.

I better put on a pot of coffee.

Hi, I'm Gail...

-It's $20 in advance. -Okay.

(BAG UNZIPS)

Uh, all I have is a ten and two fives. Is that okay?

Yeah. That's a perfectly legitimate way to make $20.

-Okay. -Hmm.

Now, I am looking at you...

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

...and I am listening to your spirit.

And I am sensing that something is on your mind.

Am I correct?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, my God. How did you know that?

It is my business to know. Hence the ten and two fives.

-(GASPS) -But I'd really appreciate it if we could

put the money part of it aside.

Okay, well, I've been trying to forget about this,

but you obviously keyed into something.

I'm engaged to be married,

and I really, really love my fiancé, Tom.

But... something happened, and I don't know what to do.

Let me connect with this.

Hmm.

I am sensing you really do love this Tom.

Mm. And he loves you.

-How'd she figure that out? -Shh.

-Otto! -Sorry.

But... you each had an agreement, yes?

To be able to have sex with a certain celebrity,

given the opportunity.

Yes, exactly!

And Tom went too far with Jennifer Aniston in the back of a bookstore.

Yes. Wow. So what do I do?

You need to even the score.

Level the playing field.

If you are going to continue your relationship with Tom,

you must have sex with your celebrity crush.

Oh. (CHUCKLING)

Well, that's not gonna happen.

You don't think Jon Hamm would find you attractive?

-I don't... -(LAUGHING)

Damn! I mean, 20 bucks is a bargain, right?

GAIL: No, I don't... I don't... I don't know.

It's just that sounds like a pretty strange way to...

No. Even if I wanted to, how would I find him?

You're in Hollywood. Jon Hamm lives in Hollywood.

This sounds crazy.

Well, sometimes the craziest problems require the craziest solutions.

And sometimes, sister, the craziest solutions...

are the most sane.

So, if I wanna repair my relationship with Tom...

You must have sex with Jon Hamm.

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't know, Otto. Do you really think that we should do this?

Why not?

Remember, Tom gave you a free pass, too.

That's true.

But what about the hair convention?

Oh, honestly, I'm fine. I'm fine.

As long as we get back in time for Remy Fontaine's Blow out Blow out.

I mean, conventions come and go.

How many times do you get to fuck Jon Hamm?

-(BUDDY SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) -That's a good point.

But where would we even start?

Twenty dollars, you will get a map with the home addresses

-of all the biggest stars in HollyWeird. -OTTO: Yeah.

The only town in America where if you want a cup of coffee,

you've got to make an appointment at the Creative Artists Agency.

-Hi. Excuse me, sir. I'm Gail. -Hi, Gail.

We would like a map with Jon Hamm's home address.

Are you kidding me, lady? I got stars up the wazoo.

-Perfect. -I got Johnny Carson.

I got Ed McMahon. I got Doc Severinsen.

-You name it. -Okay, how about Jon Hamm?

Ooh.

No. No, I don't have Jon Hamm.

In any other town, I'd say check the phone book.

But in this town, I'd say get yourself an appointment

at the Creative Artists Agency.

OTTO: Hmm.

CHORUS: (SINGING) C-A-A

Hello, I'm Gail.

-Hi. -Hi.

We're here to see Jon Hamm. Is he here?

-Oh. Well, no. -(PA SYSTEM CHIMES)

-(TELEPHONE RINGING) -But Jon Hamm's agent is Mr. Leo Martin.

He's actually a good bud of mine.

No, he's not.

You recharged his car once, dipshit.

Ignore him. I can take a message for Leo Martin.

-Who are you guys with? -I'm with my friend Otto.

-Aw. And I'm with my friend Gail. -(CHUCKLES)

-(KEYBOARD CLACKING) -Okay, great.

I should be able to get this to Leo's desk by Monday.

Oh. No, no, no. That's... That's way too late.

-We'll be gone by then. -Sorry.

That's... Thank you. Appreciate it.

(GAIL SOBBING)

OTTO: Hey, we tried.

-But we were so close. -I know.

GAIL: What are we supposed to do? OTTO: I don't wanna see you cry.

Hey, guys.

As an agent-in-training, I'm really good at assessing situations.

And I can tell that you guys really need to see Jon Hamm before Monday.

-Yes. -Yes. Yes, we have to.

We're only here for the weekend.

I had a celebrity free pass thing with my fiancé,

but he took it literally.

So now I need to have sex with Jon Hamm

to even out the score and save my relationship.

Gotcha. He did the deed. Now you gotta do the do.

-Yes. -Exactly.

GAIL: Can you please help us?

(SNAPS FINGERS) I'll tell you what. You guys, come with me.

SERGIO: Excuse me.

-Let me ask you something. -Can I ask you something?

-Have you seen this person? -WOMAN: Not today.

Have you seen these two people? Have you seen this person?

-Either of these two? -No, I haven't.

-Sorry. No, I didn't see them. -Charles Boyle.

I get that a lot. Haven't seen them?

-Either one? -Nope. I'm positive.

-BUDDY: Oh, yeah, I've seen those two. -You have?

-Yeah. -Where are they?

Hell if I know.

I got a lot of people coming through here all day long.

I can't keep a record of where everybody's heading next, you know?

It's all I can do to keep track of how many maps I got in my pile here.

(CHUCKLES) I mean, how... how many is it? Two? Four? Ten?

I mean, it could even be nine. But that's Hollywood for you.

That's what the, uh, studio bean counters

over at Paramount Pictures call "creative accounting."

Well, this is a waste of time. Why don't we get some coffee?

Coffee? You wanna get coffee in this town,

you're gonna need an appointment at the Creative Artists Agency.

-SERGIO: Okay. -Which, now that I think of it,

is exactly where I told your friends to go.

CHORUS: (SINGING) C-A-A

Feast your eyes. Welcome to the backrooms of the entertainment industry, friends,

where the real decisions are made,

where entire careers are hatched and destroyed

with a control-shift-delete from this room.

-Wow. -Hey, check this out.

CALEB: Robert from Shark Tank. There's blood in the water.

How the hell are you? When are we gonna play golf, huh?

-Uh, please don't speak to me. -You got it, Bobby Business.

Hey, check this out.

My mommy made them up for me. I think they're pretty cool.

-Gotta dream big in a place like this. -I like that.

And someday, maybe it's not gonna be CAA anymore.

It's gonna be CA and CA: Creative Artists and Caleb Agency.

I love that! (CHUCKLES) But I'm just checking.

It's okay for us to be back here?

Technically, no, but in this business, it's all about exuding confidence.

You just fake it till you make it. Watch this.

Hey, Megan. Whazzup? What are you working on here?

-You got a lot of deals? -No. Stop.

-Don't touch anything on my desk. -Big old deals?

Look, we need the 411

-on one Mr. Jonathan Daniel Hamm. -(DOOR OPENS)

Oh! Leo Martin! There's my guy.

Fellas, this is Mr. Leo Martin, agent to the stars.

You want guaranteed backend points, you talk to this guy.

Hi. Caleb. I charged your car on the 29th.

Nothing? No?

Well, this beautiful bag of bones is Gail,

and this knucklehead is Otto.

Now, Gail over here needs to do the nasty with Mr. Jon Hamm ASAP.

Believe me, it is all on the up and up, Mr. Martin, sir.

Yeah, don't worry. We're not like crazy-stalker fans or anything like that.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So, what do you say?

I am so, so sorry that we got you fired.

(SIGHS) I am literally so stupid.

I'm literally so stupid for thinking that I could be an agent.

I just don't have the mentality for it!

And what am I gonna tell my mommy? (SOBBING)

-Um... -Ask him.

-(SNIFFLING, SOBBING) -Caleb, is there any way

that you could just drop us off at the hotel?

-(GROANS) Yeah. -Thank you.

-Thanks. -CALEB: I could do that.

Or I could give you a lift straight to Mr. Jon Hamm's house

because I swiped the address from Megan's desk.

Caleb, you beautiful son of a bitch.

-GAIL: What? -Yeah!

Are you kidding me?

(ALL LAUGHING)

You tired?

Yeah. I'm always tired.

Always tired, yeah.

This is it, Creative Artists Agency.

I thought it would be a little, uh...

-(GAIL WHOOPING) -...fancier or something.

It's the parking garage.

GAIL: Yay! NICCOLO: Wait a minute.

-That's her. That's her! -(ENGINE ACCELERATING)

SERGIO: That's her? Hey! Hey!

-Wait... -I'm not gonna run after a car.

What the... You nuts? There's a stop sign up there.

-Then you run after the car. -Fine!

Okay. No. Screw it. I'm not gonna run after the car.

No, you're not gonna run after the car.

-We're parked this way. -Okay.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-OTTO: Oh, wow! Okay. -(CALEB CHUCKLES)

-(CALEB CHUCKLES) -We should be quiet.

Well, what are you waiting for, Gail? Buzz him.

Buzz him? I hardly know him.

(ALL LAUGHING)

"Buzz him. I hardly know him."

-(LAUGHING) -We're too funny.

Hilarious jokes aside,

do you think celebrities normally let in strangers with sex requests?

Mm.

That's a good point.

I think we need to get you on the other side of that gate

so that Hamm Dog can see you face-to-face.

Mm-hmm. Then he'll have to fuck you.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

I have an idea.

Take your clothes off.

-I got your butt! -(GROANS)

GAIL: Oh, shoot. OTTO: Whoa!

-GAIL: Nice and slow. -(GROANS)

-CALEB: I got a foothold. -Okay.

OTTO: Just climb over and we'll slowly

-lower you down. -GAIL: We got you.

OTTO: Wait, wait, wait!

(GROANING)

-(CALEB GROANING WEAKLY) -OTTO: Whoops.

-You good? -Ow!

-But yes, I am good. -GAIL: Okay!

See? Nothing a little clothes rope won't fix.

Turns out it was unlocked.

OTTO: Look at this place. Wow.

CALEB: Jon Hamm's done well for himself.

-Wait. How do I look? -Oh, fabulous.

And that is my professional opinion.

(CALEB CHUCKLES)

-WEIRD AL: Excuse me! -(GOLF CART WHIRRING)

(BRAKES SCREECH)

-WEIRD AL: Excuse me. Who are you? -You're "Weird Al" Yankovic.

-(CALEB GASPS) -Maybe.

Uh, you live with Jon Hamm?

No. I bought this house from him, like, a year ago.

-You guys know Jon? -Not exactly.

Well, how exactly did you get in here?

We made a clothes rope.

-(LAUGHING) Of course! -Out of our clothes.

(GAIL LAUGHING)

Told you guys it was a good idea.

You know... (SIGHS)

funny thing about Hollywood.

-What's he doing? -What is he gonna...

People think it's a parody.

Like we're all just playing pretend.

Except when it comes to defending our property.

What are we gonna do?

Well, well, well.

Gail and her friends are in a real pickle now.

How are they gonna get out of this one?

(MUFFLED) They need a clever solution, and they need it fast.

Well, sometimes the best idea

is the same idea you had a few minutes ago.

I have an idea.

-Quick, take off your clothes. -Okay!

WEIRD AL: You people think

just because you bought a ticket to one of my concerts,

you have the right to invade my sanctuary?

Now! Suck it!

CALEB: My pants! OTTO: Sweater!

GAIL: Shirt! CALEB: More pants!

(GRUNTING)

Run!

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

WEIRD AL: I'm coming for you!

(SCREAMING)

(CALEB PANTING)

(GAIL PANTING)

(ALL PANTING)

GAIL: You okay?

-VINCENT: Hey! -(ALL SCREAM)

This is my goddamn tree! Find your own goddamn tree!

Who are you?

Who am I? Eat me out. That's who I am.

I've been camped out here for two days

trying to get a picture of "Weird Al" Yankovic,

and you guys are blowing my cover!

So sorry. We really didn't mean...

Aha! There you are!

-(GUN COCKING) -Run! Run!

-WEIRD AL: Eat it! -Run! Run!

-(GUNSHOTS) -Eat it!

WEIRD AL: Get yourself an egg and beat it!

-(GUNFIRE) -(ALL PANTING)

-Goddamn it! -Hey! Hey!

Sorry! We did not mean to horn in on your project.

Really, really sorry.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm... I'm... I'm sorry, I...

I didn't mean to be so hostile. I... I... I'm not mad at you.

-GAIL: Huh? -I'm mad at me.

-I'm mad at this guy right here. -GAIL: Oh.

Well, you know what? We played a part in creating that situation,

-and for that we apologize, right, guys? -GAIL: We do. We were all

-very, very stressed out back there. -Yeah.

Please don't patronize me. I know what people think of paparazzi.

You know, that they're these heartless,

bottom-feeding scumbags who don't take a shower. And, um...

that's why I try so hard

-to be a nice guy, you know? -(DOG BARKS DISTANTLY)

And then I just blow my gasket one time,

and all that hard work is shot to shit.

Goddamn it!

-(CALEB SQUIRMS) -Please don't beat yourself up.

-Ah. Oh. -(ENGINE REVVING)

My car! No!

I'm so stupid!

This is just great. This is just great.

It's like, you know, "Oh. Oh, hi, Mommy.

"I'm just calling to let you know that my car got towed,

"and I got fired today.

"How was your day? Was it good?

"Did you go to the hip-hop class? Was it fun?

"Or did you feel too old and leave halfway through?"

Come here.

Come here. It's okay.

But hey, look on the bright side.

We got to meet "Weird Al" Yankovic.

-Yeah! That's pretty cool, huh? -Right? (CHUCKLING)

And who was that other man?

I... I think that was Penn Jillette.

VINCENT: No shit. OTTO: Not sure why, but yeah.

-GAIL: See? -But hey, Gail, I mean, with no car,

how are we supposed to find Jon Hamm?

Wait.

Did you say Jon Hamm?

Yes. I need to find him and sleep with him by Sunday.

-Why? -Hamm...

is my Holy Grail.

VINCENT: 2007, I was a wet-behind-the-ears beat photographer

at People magazine.

-I was the new kid on the block. -(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

-But I was good. Real good. -(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Any celeb you name,

I tracked them down and I got the perfect candid shot.

-EDITOR: What do you got for me? -I got Banks beaching in Baja.

EDITOR: Banks in Baja?

VINCENT: I got Paris pounding a pastrami.

Spears spelunking in Spain.

Lohan lounging in Lisbon. Cruise caroling at Christmas.

Tara tanning topless in Tulum. Beyoncé basking in Barbados.

Mary-Kate meditating in Marrakesh.

I got Schreiber walking his dog.

Yes! (CHUCKLING)

VINCENT: I was on fire. I never once failed.

Around the office they called me

"Mr. Always Gets His Shot, Even When It's a Hard Shot to Get."

It was a mouthful, but it was an accurate description.

Take a look at this.

And then one day, my editor gave me a no-brainer assignment.

Get a candid shot of the star of the new hot show Mad Men.

An actor I hadn't heard of by the name of Jon Hamm.

Little did I know he would become my white whale.

-He eluded me. -SECURITY GUARD: Hey, hey. No paparazzi.

-Move. -Hey, come on!

VINCENT: Time after time...

Fuck!

...day after day,

-night after night. -(GRUNTS)

The deadline had come, and I had no clue what I was gonna do.

But then...

-Hmm? -(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Talk to me.

He's there right now?

...a hot tip.

And this time, I wasn't gonna let him get away.

And there he was,

my white male whale.

I got you, you son of a bitch!

This was my moment to lock in my identity

as Mr. Always Gets His Shot, Even Though it's... It was a Hard...

Or something like that.

-I hit the button. -(BUTTON CLICKS)

But then... nothing.

No film!

(BREATH TREMBLING)

And he was gone.

Things spiraled after that. Drugs, alcohol, gambling.

Lost my job. Started living out of my car.

Sold my hair for wigs.

(CHUCKLES) It wasn't long after that I started...

selling my wigs for hair.

But the truth is, I lost more than my job that day.

I lost something in here.

Yeah, I still freelance for a few bucks these days,

but it's been a long time

since the days of Mr. Always Gets His Shot Even When He...

(STAMMERING)

Uh, fuck. What was it again?

Even When It Was a Hard Shot to Get.

Yeah. Something like that.

But now, these days...

I always carry a spare roll

-of film with me. (CHUCKLES) -GAIL: Mm.

But everything's digital now.

It's a reminder, Jacko!

To never leave what's important behind.

-GAIL: Mm-hmm. -Ah.

Anyway, that's my long story short.

(GASPING)

-Wasn't that short of a story. -I thought it was a great story, uh...

-Vincent. -Nice to meet you, Vincent.

My name is Gail. This is Otto and Caleb.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

GAIL: (IN ENGLISH) Hey, this might sound crazy,

but we could really, really use your know-how

in terms of tracking down celebrities. Would you...

wanna come with us to find Jon Hamm?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Well, well, well.

The white whale "weturns."

-What? -(SNAPS FINGERS) "Wet's woll."

-(ALL LAUGHING) -OTTO: Hey. Yes!

-Let's go. -GAIL: This is exciting.

VINCENT: Hey, we're skipping. Look at us. We're skipping.

(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-My case? -Oh, um...

-Not much luck. -Yet.

But we have some very good leads.

(PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING)

So, you came here to tell me that you don't have my case?

Uh, yeah... Yes, that we did.

And also that we're a little bit hungry,

so we thought when in Rome...

-themed restaurant. -LUDOVICA: Oh.

Sit.

I'm good. I had a snack earlier.

Sergio.

-Sergio, Sergio, Sergio. -(CHUCKLING) Thank you.

SERGIO: That's silly.

Oh! Look at this.

-Thank you. -LUDOVICA: You're hungry.

So maybe you just need to eat!

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(PIANO TEMPO INCREASES)

(SERGIO STRAINING, SCREAMING)

LUDOVICA: Come on, everybody.

(MUFFLED SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(PIANO PLAYING OFF-KEY)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING, CHOKING)

No, I love Baja. Don't you remember?

People magazine had those photos of me in 2007.

(INHALES SHARPLY) I'm not really feeling Italian all of a sudden.

Let's go to that Thai place near you.

Okay.

(GASPING)

(SERGIO EXHALES SHARPLY)

Anyone else is hungry?

-No! -We gotta go get the case.

-We'll get the case. -Bravi.

Bravi, little monkeys, bravi.

-Find that fucking case! -(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHEELS RATTLING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

CALEB: Our luggage. Come in!

Bobby Snaps. Hey, man, it's Vincent. (LAUGHING)

I'm gonna cut to the CliffsNotes.

I'm in the market for a Mr. Jonathan Hamm.

Uh, excuse me, sir,

we were actually supposed to have two beds.

I can bring a rollaway, if that would work.

Thank you! (LAUGHS) Wait.

Let me give you a tip.

I don't wanna be on the wrong side of history.

(GASPS) Oh, no. I used all my cash earlier.

Can I use my credit card?

You can use a credit card for anything these days.

Only in LA.

-Otto? -OTTO: Yeah?

How much should I tip him? Like 75 cents?

-These guys live on their tips. -Okay.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

-Thanks. -GAIL: Anytime.

(SIGHS) Anything?

NICCOLO: Nothing.

(EXHALES) She's a goddamn ghost.

(BEEPING)

Oh, wait.

-(SERGIO GASPS) -Sometimes even a ghost

has to come up for air.

Bingo-bango! We got you, Gail Daughtry!

Got you!

(BOTH LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Got you! We got you!

VINCENT: Are you sure he's there? You sure?

-All right, he's there right now? -What?

Okay. Thanks, man!

Thank you, man! (SCREAMS)

Uh, who's ready to meet a Mr. Jonathan Daniel Hamm? (LAUGHING)

No way! No way!

I'm ready to do a lot more than meet him!

(WHOOPING)

Oh! Ew!

-Wait, wait, do you get it? -Yeah.

Okay, I gotta get dressed. I gotta do my hair.

Right. Okay.

Hey, what are we doing here?

We have to hit the road now. We don't wanna miss him.

Okay, bring your hair stuff with you.

-We'll get you all dolled up on the way. -Okay.

Yep. I think this is it.

-Yeah. Over here. -(GAIL GASPS)

GAIL: Oh, I forgot to do my hair!

Oh, don't worry about it. You look great.

That's my professional opinion.

Oh, Otto, what would I do without you?

-My guess is you'd be dead. -(CHUCKLES)

GAIL: Huh.

MAN: Fuck you!

This is not where I thought a big-time movie star would live.

I think he should fire his business manager.

-(INDISTINCT SHOUTING) -(SIREN WAILING)

Wait, that's Jon Hamm?

No, that's John Slattery.

He co-starred with Jon Hamm on Mad Men, remember?

Right! He played Roger Sterling. Cool!

But I thought we were going to Jon Hamm's house.

Hey, this guy is a hell of a lot closer to Jon Hamm than any of us are, okay?

I don't see anybody here

with Hamm's number on their phone computers, do you?

-No one's saying that... -Who says "phone computer"?

Otto, are you good friends with Jon Hamm? No, you're not.

Caleb, are you Jon Hamm's personal fuck buddy?

-What? No. -No, I don't think so, okay?

This is a lead!

What I do every day is to find celebrities,

and this is how I do it!

Okay, fine. You're right. We're sorry. Just calm down.

If it's a dead end, it's a dead end, okay?

Sure, John Slattery hasn't had an acting job in over a decade,

but he worked with Jon Hamm for years, okay?

So what are we gonna do? Not try?

I'm just saying, like, maybe we could take it down a notch.

How about you take it down a notch?

-Vincent. Vincent, look at me! Look at me! -How about you stop?

-You think... -We're all on the same team!

Now, I need you to keep it together.

Okay. I'm sorry, it's just that

these two do-do-do's are pushing my buttons.

-What did you just call me? -It's okay.

(VOICE SHAKING) I'm sorry. I've just been through so much.

GAIL: I totally get it.

But we gotta keep our eyes on the prize.

Which is slippin' Hamm's D into Gail's V.

Right.

-(SLATTERY GRUNTING) -(PUNCHING BAG THUDDING)

-Uh, hello? Hi. -(SCREAMS)

-Stop! -Whoa.

I have the legal right to defend myself against trespassers.

No, no, no, we're not trespassers. We just want...

California Penal Code section 602 would disagree.

Entry onto the property of another without permission is trespassing.

I therefore have the legal right to kick your ass

and take names never.

-(YELLING INDISTINCTLY) -(YELLING)

-(GROANS) -CALEB: Oh!

(FARTING) Ow, ow, ow.

-GAIL: Oops. -Just take it. Take everything.

The key to the safe is in the pantry in a fake soup can.

(FARTING) Ow!

I... I think it's the beef barley. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

(SOBBING) Please, just please don't hurt me.

No, no, we're... we're not here to hurt you.

What are you talking about? You just did!

What'd you do that for? I wasn't doing anything to you.

I was just trying to scare you.

I'm so sorry. It was just self-defense.

Well, what are you doing sneaking up on me when I'm in a meeting?

With who?

A commitment to one's self is as important a meeting as any.

GAIL: Okay, the truth is,

we're here because my fiancé's celebrity free pass

was Jennifer Aniston, and he did it.

So now I need to find my celebrity pass, Jon Hamm.

(GROANS)

-Should have guessed. -Can you help us find him?

Yeah, I could. But I won't.

Okay. I understand.

(CHUCKLING) You're not the first person to come to me with this kind of a request.

Everybody wants a dicking from J.D.H.

Back in the day, we used to split up the spoils.

Sure. Golden Globes after-party, 2007?

-Forget it. (CHUCKLING) -Uh-huh.

These days... (SNIFFLES)

Tell you what I will do.

Have your friends walk around the block and I'll doink you.

That's got to still be worth something, right?

For God's sake, I was in the seventh greatest show of all time,

according to Rolling Stone magazine.

And it would have been number one if it weren't for Seinfeld, Fleabag,

Breaking Bad, The Wire, The Simpsons, and The Sopranos.

But I don't see Homer Simpson standing here ready to whip it out,

so, uh, what do you say?

You wanna finalize this freak-fest?

That's a very sweet offer, Mr. Slattery.

You're goddamn right it is.

-But it's not what I'm looking for. -Okay.

If your friends wanna stay and watch, that's fine,

but they have to hide in the closet,

and they can't make a lot of noise. It throws me off.

Uh, this is a dead end. Let's get out of here.

-Thank you. -Okay, I'm sorry to bother you.

Yeah, fine. I wasn't into you either.

I'll tell you something, sweet cheeks,

I like my women like I like my men, chunky as fuck.

-CALEB: What? -I said good day!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(GRUNTS) Knock your face right off. See? There it is on the floor.

What are you gonna do now? You got your face on the floor.

CALEB: Wait, guys.

Let me take a swing at this one.

(BLOWS THUDDING)

(SLATTERY GRUNTING)

(SNIFFS)

Mr. Slattery.

California Penal Code section 602. Go away.

Orville and Wilbur.

-What? -The Wright brothers.

They invented the airplane.

Yeah. No duh. What about it?

What about it? They were brothers, John.

They were partners. They were equals.

They made something great together, and it was a massive hit.

The airplane was a blockbuster.

But what happened to the brothers?

Orville, well, he's a hero, isn't he?

He's in the history books.

But as for Wilbur... (SCOFFS)

he just couldn't handle the heat, could he?

He didn't have the courage.

So, what did he do?

He resigned himself to being a footnote,

a trivia question,

wasting away the final precious years of his life

punching a bag in a garage.

You see the connection that I'm making, John?

-I'm Orville? -You're Wilbur.

Okay, then yes, I see the connection clearly.

John...

watching you give that there bag a "what for,"

I can see that the fire still burns in your belly.

So, I just have one question for you.

Are you gonna spend the rest of your life

believing that you're the wrong Wright brother?

Or are you gonna start to believe

that deep down inside,

there can be two right Wright brothers?

(CALEB CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Am I right, brother?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

VINCENT: So, long story short, I keep the roll of film as a reminder.

SLATTERY: Wasn't that short a story.

Now, how do we find Hamm?

First thing we should do is call his agent at CAA.

Uh, we tried that. Yeah, that ship has sailed.

Oh! Uh, I... I know he's got a house in Bel-Air.

Sold it a year ago.

I thought you were still friends.

Yeah, we're still friends.

We're just both busy.

So, we text mostly nowadays. Wait, let me see.

(QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING)

(QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES)

-(CHUCKLES) -What is it?

It doesn't... You won't get it.

Okay, you know, go up here to Sunset.

OTTO: Are you sure he still lives here? How long ago was that text?

-Six months ago. -(SCOFFING) Okay.

Super helpful.

Hey, perhaps, Otto, you can come up with a better idea

before you choke the life out of this one,

like your dick on a lonely Saturday night!

-GAIL: Hey, hey! -You wanna go? Let's go!

-I'm not afraid of you! -Come on! Come on, come on!

Hey, look. Look, look, look.

There it is. The Chateau Marmont.

Wow. It's more beautiful than I even imagined

when I first heard about this place 30 minutes ago.

Come on!

Hello, I'm Gail.

-RECEPTIONIST: Hi. -Is Jon Hamm here?

We don't give out that kind of information.

Okay, I think it's time to drop the neutron bomb.

-Here we go. Hello. -Hello.

-I'm John Slattery. -I know who you are.

-Oh, well, okay. -(ALL CHUCKLING)

Now we're cooking.

So, give us the 411.

What's the deal with my boy Jonny Hammer Sticks?

Can't help you. Hotel policy.

Wow. She's tough. I'm out of moves.

-CALEB: Yeah, she's good. -It's all right.

You did literally everything that you could.

Front desk. How may I help you?

One order of pineapple coconut pancakes to Room 203.

-Right away, sir. -Stop.

Hammer time.

GAIL: Well, that's 203, okay.

Do you wanna knock?

SLATTERY: No, you knock. GAIL: Okay.

-Can I help you? -Hi. We're here to see Jon Hamm.

Do you have an appointment?

-No, but I'm, uh, John... -Slattery! Yeah, I know.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

-Hey. What's up, man? -SLATTERY: Hey, hi.

Respect to the work, bro. I really appreciate it.

-Oh, thank you, man. Thank you. -Nice to meet you. Yeah.

All right, y'all have a good day.

-GAIL: Wait, no. No, no, no, come back. -Wait. Wait.

SLATTERY: Wait. Ow!

-Ow! Ow! Ow! -GAIL: Oh! Ow!

-Move. Move out the way. -Ow! Ow!

-Ow! Ow! -(GAIL CONTINUES EXCLAIMING)

Slat-man!

-Ow! Ow! Ow! -Move.

-VINCENT: Stop! Stop it! -Ow! Ow!

(GAIL EXCLAIMING)

-What are you doing? -Ow!

-Stop doing that! No! -Ow! Ow!

Stop it!

-SLATTERY: Ow! Ow! -(ALL CLAMORING)

-Please stop. Just stop. -(CONTINUES YELLING)

Ow! Ow! Hey, Jon Hamm!

-(GRUNTS) -(ALL EXCLAIM)

What the heck? Why did you have to hit him like that, mister?

I'm gonna do a hell of a lot worse than that

if you don't march y'all asses out of here.

Worse than hitting him in the face? What are you gonna do to him?

I'm gonna make him very sick.

-What? How? -Enough questions.

Unless you want me to make you all very, very sick.

Just hear us out, okay? I can explain very quickly.

The bullet points are celebrity free pass.

My fiancé's was Aniston. Mine is Hamm.

He did it. I didn't, and I need to.

I understand completely. And I sympathize with your situation.

So, I'm not gonna make you all sick.

But I can't let you in.

Now get out of here before I change my mind

and make you all real sick.

(SNIFFLES)

Well, nobody wants to get sick, right, fellas?

-No, I definitely don't wanna get sick. -I just got over something.

-Okay. Let's get out of here. -SLATTERY: Jesus.

GAIL: I don't know, maybe this whole idea,

me thinking that having sex with Jon Hamm

would solve my relationship, is just ridiculous. It's stupid.

Just an utterly pointless premise. It's like, why?

No, Gail, no.

We're too far into this thing to give up now.

Yeah, Gail. John Slattery is right.

If we work together as a team, we can accomplish literally anything.

Don't worry, Gail, somehow we'll get you in there.

He's right.

And then we're gonna get him in there.

Aw! Guys. I know we all just met today,

but it really feels like we've known each other for over a week.

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)

-Hey. -Oh!

I wanted to catch you before you left.

When I said I sympathized with you, I didn't tell you the exact truth.

The truth is, I more than sympathize with you.

I empathize with you.

Which is very different. Look it up.

Okay.

TERRENCE: On your phone. Look it up. GAIL: Uh...

Oh!

-So you're saying that... -That's right.

(SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Her name was Rebecca.

We were in Mexico.

Rebecca loved bullfights. I hated them, but I loved her.

Then, chaos.

Bull jumps the fence, heads right for Rebecca.

I pull her away, but she's wearing red.

It's over in seconds. I slip on something.

It's Rebecca's liver.

-(GAIL GASPS) -Jesus Christ!

Yeah. So, yeah, I empathize with what you're going through.

That's actually quite different from Gail's situation.

Okay, maybe it is that I sympathize more than empathize.

Bottom line, whether it's a free celebrity pass taken too far

or an out-of-control bull disemboweling my Rebecca,

I know what it's like when someone comes between you and the one you love.

So, I went ahead

-and I talked to Mr. Hamm on your behalf. -GAIL: What?

You did? What did he say?

He's on the lookout for his next film project.

He said if you guys could bring him a great movie idea for him to star in,

one that electrifies audiences but also speaks to Jon personally,

then he promises he'll help you with whatever you need.

Whatever we need?

Wait, so we have to pitch him a film idea?

No, more than just an idea. He needs a fully fleshed-out story.

And of course, I come on board as a producer.

I gotta get enough money to help Rebecca with a proper burial.

-Wait, she's not buried yet? -TERRENCE: Not yet.

-Where is she now? -Listen, stay in your lane.

Guys, I think we could come up with something

really great if we put our heads together.

I don't know how we're gonna come up with a whole movie idea before we go home.

I didn't say it was gonna be easy.

Any ideas?

-No. I'm still thinking about the liver. -Yeah.

How about something about, um, like a dog or something?

No, that's already been done. Marley & Me?

Oh, yeah. Right.

Damn it. God, it is such a good idea.

If it wasn't for fucking Marley & Me!

Okay, okay. How about, uh...

Ugh, I can't get Otto's dog idea out of my head.

-I know. -I know we can't 'cause of Marley & Me,

-but it was, like, the exact perfect idea. -It was.

Also, I can't think of anything original because I'm starving.

I have a protein bar in my case in the back seat.

-Do you want it? -Yes, please. I'm dying.

VINCENT: Yeah. I'll take a protein bar.

GAIL: Want one too? SLATTERY: I want two.

Oh!

What about a cat?

-Is the cat's name Marley? -GAIL: Yes, of course.

-Then technically, it's still Marley & Me. -GAIL: How?

Is it supposed to be locked?

No, it's probably just jammed.

Okay. Hi-ya!

-OTTO: Garfield. -Still got it.

GAIL: Ugh, I hate Mondays!

OTTO: This is tough. SLATTERY: Uh...

I don't see any protein bars in here.

-What? -Just a bunch of papers.

-(GASPS) This isn't my case. -VINCENT: What?

SLATTERY: "Top secret." What the heck is this?

-United States Patent Office. -What the hell is that?

OTTO: Whoa!

GAIL: I don't know. I feel weird about this.

Are you sure that we should be looking at this stuff?

It's somebody else's property. It feels weird.

Guys, I have read a lot of screenplays over my many months at CAA.

This beats them all.

It's got violence and intrigue and espionage and double identities.

I mean, the fate of the whole damn world's at stake.

-So, what are you saying? -I'm saying,

you plop Jon Hamm into this story, it writes itself.

This is our movie pitch.

Wait, wait, wait. You're saying we're gonna

turn these files into a movie pitch?

Caleb's right. These are real-life details that you just couldn't make up.

I mean, all we have to do is just shape them just a tiny bit.

Hey, Vincent, you sound like a professional screenwriter.

(LAUGHS) Doesn't he?

-You do. -He does.

Well, funny you say that, you know,

because I originally came to Hollywood to become a screenwriter.

-What? -Yeah. But then I had five mouths to feed,

so I had to give that up tout suite.

-Wait, you have five kids? -VINCENT: Yeah.

They're all starting college this year.

Wait, Vincent, you should be the one to write our Jon Hamm vehicle.

You should.

And Caleb, if you sell it to him

with the same chutzpah that you are showing us right now,

I know that he is going to love it.

I mean, yeah, and... and John Slattery,

I feel like you'd be perfect to play one of the parts.

-Oh, my gosh. Yes. -Really?

-Can you do an Italian accent? -Yes!

Well, no, but...

(IN BAD ENGLISH ACCENT) I've got an English accent that's not too bad.

Care for a spot of tea?

No, thanks. I've got a tummy ache, haven't I?

(ALL LAUGHING, EXCLAIMING)

(IN BAD ENGLISH ACCENT) Me Japanese accent's

not too bad either, don't you know?

Okay, well, I say we go pitch Jon Hamm right now, huh?

Hold on a second. We still need to tighten and mold and put a spit shine

on this pitch before it is ready for prime time.

(VOICES OVERLAPPING)

SLATTERY: You guys gonna eat the rest of this?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(CONVERSATIONS OVERLAPPING)

-Are you kidding me? (LAUGHS) -SLATTERY: Right?

-Oh, my God. -SLATTERY: Whoa.

-What happened? -What the heck?

SLATTERY: You guys didn't leave it like this?

-GAIL: No. -(OTTO GASPS)

-Hello, Gail... -Daughtry.

-(ALL EXCLAIMING) -Oh, my God.

Do you have any idea how much turmoil you've caused in our life?

NICCOLO: They have no idea.

(SIGHS) Okay. Give us the case and we'll be out of your hair.

Okay. Be cool. Give him the case.

GAIL: (WHISPERS) Wait, then we have no movie pitch.

Wait, hold on. Slattery...

I'm gonna distract them, and you attack them.

No, no, no. I've never actually fought a real person.

-I will throw up. -Hey!

I'm gonna start to shoot soon. And you don't want that.

-(RETCHES) Sorry. -(GAIL GASPS)

Okay. You got one roller bed coming right...

-Oh, my God. -SERGIO: Who's this guy?

-(YELLS) -Hey, smile.

-(SHUTTER CLICKING RAPIDLY) -(ALL YELLING)

(YELLS, GRUNTS)

-(ALL EXCLAIM) -Run. Run!

(ALL CLAMORING)

SERGIO: I can't see!

SERGIO: Come on! NICCOLO: All right!

(YELLS, GRUNTS)

Run!

Down the stairs!

(ALL PANTING)

(BOTH PANTING)

SERGIO: Give me that case.

(CROWD YELLING)

EMCEE: Welcome to the Blow out Blow out.

Here is your whip curl king, Remy Fontaine!

Do you miss me?

(CROWD CHEERING)

EMCEE: Make some noise for Remy!

Who wants a whip curl? You? You?

I see 'em! I think I see 'em.

-(ALL YELLING) -(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

EMCEE: Grip it, flip it and whip it.

REMY: You just got fingered.

Remy!

I took a little bit of ketamine. So this is a bit frightening.

I love you, I love you, give me a kiss.

GAIL: (GASPS) It's Remy. OTTO: Not right now, honey.

Oh! There. The exit. Let's go.

-Okay. -Go, go, go, go!

OTTO: Wait, hold on.

-GAIL: Otto, what are you doing? -Trust me.

EMCEE: Remy loves you.

Be sure to show your love for Remy at the merchandise table.

Did everyone sign up for the meet and greet?

I don't know what the fuck this is. Go that way.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

EMCEE: Whip it good. Whip it real good.

VINCENT: No, no, no. Gail. Otto! SLATTERY: Otto. Gail.

-EMCEE: It's whip curl madness. -Vincent!

Caleb!

-Gail! -Otto!

John Slattery!

-EMCEE: I want to whip my curls in it. -Gail, we gotta go.

EMCEE: Give it up for Remy... Oh, my God. He's got a gun.

(CROWD SCREAMING)

-Found you. -Go, go. Go, go, go.

(PANTING) Uh... Okay.

-NICCOLO: Enough! -(BOTH SCREAM)

Stop running.

-I'm tired. Hand it over. -OTTO: Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, don't shoot. We can work this out.

No, no, no. There's nothing to work out.

-Goodbye, Gail Daughtry. -No, no, no.

(GUNSHOT)

-(GAIL SCREAMING) -(BULLET CLINKS)

-(BODY THUDS) -(BOTH YELL)

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -(PANTING)

-Are you okay? -Yeah, yeah.

(STAMMERS) The metal plate in my head saved my life.

-Who are these people? -SERGIO: Get back here.

Oh!

Niccolo.

(GASPS) Niccolo. Oh, no. Niccolo.

It was an accident, I swear.

I don't know how it happened.

-I'm so, so, so sorry. -You.

You know what? I can cause accidents, too.

Get ready to burn in... (SCREAMS)

-(SIZZLING) -Oh!

You mess with my show, you're gonna get burned.

-(CONTINUES SCREAMING) -Literally.

-(BODY THUDS) -(BLOWS)

(CAT SCREECHES)

(GASPS) That's the Fontaine 3XL, isn't it?

Yes. They are. (CHUCKLES)

You know, they say that dog is a man's best friend? Yeah?

-GAIL: Yeah. -I say this too,

but this curling iron is also a very good friend of...

-(BOTH EXCLAIM) -REMY: Oh!

-Oh! -(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

-(GAIL SHRIEKS) -MAN: Give me that.

(GAIL AND OTTO GRUNTING)

-Go, go, go! Let's go! -(TIRES SCREECH)

Hey, sorry, we got held up a little bit...

Whoa. Oh.

This is a classic case of two guys on the ground.

(WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING)

(VULTURE SCREECHES)

(WIND BLOWING)

(BOTH GASPING)

Where are we? Who are you? What do you want from us?

-Wait. No, no, no. Please, come back. -No, no, no, come back. Come back!

-Come back! -(SHUSHES)

-What, are they gonna kill us? -I don't know. I don't want to die.

Me neither.

Wait. Otto.

Yeah?

I just remembered...

-I can pop my ankle out. -Huh?

-Okay, do it. Do it. -Okay.

-(STRAINING) -(CRACKS)

-Did you do it? -Yeah.

But it didn't achieve anything, so I'm gonna pop it back in, okay?

-Okay. Yeah. Pop it back in. Do it. -It hurts.

(STRAINING) Ow.

(BOTH SIGH)

Oh, Gail.

I'm so sorry I talked you into coming to Los Angeles with me.

Otto, don't do that.

You've been my most consistent, my most loving, loyal friend

ever since my parents' double suicide.

And as I've said to you before, you know,

I could never presume to understand what it is you've gone through.

I mean, to find your mother and father in your bed like that.

-And on your birthday, no less. -Yeah.

But all I can do is be your friend.

No matter what.

Until the end.

-(GRUNTS) -(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Gail Daughtry.

Hairdresser.

Finally, we meet.

Flawless face to flawless face.

Who are you?

Where are we?

Perhaps you recognize this saloon from the movie Blood on the Wagon.

I'm sorry, I don't. I'm more into, like, black-and-white Holocaust shit.

Abandoned years ago.

A ghost town movie set.

The irony of building the New World financial order

from the ruins of fake American mythology...

makes me so hard.

At first, I thought you were a hired operative. But no.

Mm-mmm.

You are just a girl from Kansas that showed up in my city

trying to do I don't know what.

Have sex with Jon Hamm.

Oh, like a celebrity pass thing?

-GAIL: Exactly. -Good luck with that.

-Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. -(OTTO LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

-Kill her. -Mm-hmm.

Wait, what?

What did she just say?

-And her little friend, too. -No, no, no, no, no, please.

SERGIO: Let's do this. GAIL: Please, not Otto!

(STRAINING)

(CHOKING)

Stop!

Who the fuck is Remy Fontaine?

(COUGHS)

He's king of the whip curl. (WHEEZES)

And then I said to him,

"Uh, if you mess with my show, you're gonna get burned.

"Uh, literally." It just... It just seemed like something to say.

A catchphrase.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Your friends tell me you have something that is mine.

Who is this? What friends?

Is this like camp friends? Is this Lieberman?

Caleb, do whatever she says. She's gonna kill us.

Lieberman, I swear to God, if this is one of your bits

it's not even that funny because I actually have some friends

-who are in legitimate danger right now. -Caleb, it's Gail!

Bring my reports to 25933

Sand Canyon Way, Santa Clarita, California, 91387.

And bring them within the hour.

-If not, your friends will die! -(WHIMPERS)

Well, either Lieberman's upped his game dramatically,

or Gail and Otto are in really significant danger.

-We have to go to that address. -Hey, wait.

Who are we kidding?

They're not gonna let us just stroll in there,

save our friends, and then stroll right back out.

Come on, let's face it. They're...

They're dead already.

SLATTERY: Vincent. VINCENT: Hey, hey, hey.

Why is this here?

(SCOFFS) It's just a roll of film, man.

-Why is this in here? -It's just a roll of film.

-Why is this in here? -It's a roll of film!

-Why is it in here? -It is a roll of film!

-Vincent! -Okay, it's there to remind me

to never leave what's important behind!

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

-Let's go save our friends. -Wet's woll.

Hey, can I go?

'Cause if I don't finish my show, I'm out $600.

-MALE OFFICER: Sir, you need to calm down. -No, no...

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

SLATTERY: I know this place.

We shot an episode of Love Boat here.

VINCENT: Really? CALEB: Here?

SLATTERY: It was a bottle episode.

CALEB: Wait, how old are you?

(MUFFLED YELLING)

CALEB: You guys hear that? VINCENT: What the heck?

-Otto! -CALEB: Gail! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Thank God you're okay.

-(GAIL GASPS) -VINCENT: I got it.

Thank you.

OTTO: Oh, thank God.

-Hi. Are you okay? -Yeah, yeah.

(ALL CLAMORING)

-MAN: Hey. -Hi.

My reports, please.

-The reports are... -(VOICES OVERLAPPING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses, Slattery. Everybody hold your horses.

We got the reports. They're close by.

But first, we're gonna need some assurance that we're getting out of here alive.

What? You don't trust me?

Lady, I trust in three things only.

My mommy, death, and taxes.

And last I checked, I'm still alive.

I use TurboTax, and nobody here's breastfeeding me.

So, yeah, we got a couple of requests on our end.

You are in no position to bargain.

CALEB: We see things a little bit differently,

because it seems to us that without those documents,

you don't have what you want.

And it seems to me that the only people who know where the documents are is us.

So it seems like right now you need us alive.

What do you want?

You tell your goon boys to drop their guns and leave us alone.

We walk out of here unscathed. You get your documents. It's a win-win.

Okay.

Everybody, put your guns in the trash and take a break.

Happy now?

Well, I feel like they did everything that we asked for.

OTTO: They put the guns in the trash... VINCENT: They gave something,

-we need to give something. -You guys wanna take a vote?

SLATTERY: Yeah. We all in?

-Vincent? -Okay.

SLATTERY: Give her the reports. VINCENT: Yeah.

-(UNZIPS) -Here we go.

Right there. One more.

These are... Yeah, right there. There you are.

-And we have one more. One more. -GAIL: Do you need help?

-Gail, give me a hand? -Yeah, sure.

-GAIL: Okay. -Right there. And one more.

(STRAINING) One more. Come on.

There it is. And one more, one more.

Well, that's that.

-So much for our movie pitch. -At least we're alive.

Hey, Caleb, you are quite a negotiator.

-Yeah. -Wow.

-It's all here. -(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)

Hey. (SNAPS FINGERS)

-Kill them. -GAIL: Wait, what?

Wait, wait, wait... No, no, no, no, no.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. -(GAIL GROANS)

We should have anticipated that they'd come back

and get their guns again.

Yeah. Don't blame yourself. I missed it, too.

These guys are professional killers, right?

-We both missed it. -SLATTERY: We all missed it.

-CALEB: Yeah. -I'm kicking myself now.

VINCENT: It was right in my face.

(WHISPERS) Hey, Slattery, now would be a good time to pull off

some of those moves.

I told you, I can't... I can't do it.

Real violence makes me throw up.

John, no flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris.

-What? -Orville Wright said that.

Now, do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Yeah, I understand.

Stand back, everybody.

-I got this. -GAIL: Okay.

SLATTERY: Fellas, fellas. (LAUGHS)

Nobody wants to get hurt, right?

So why don't we just handle it like this?

-(GRUNTS) -(GAIL GASPS)

-(GUN FIRES) -(ALL EXCLAIM)

-Whoa! -(GRUNTS)

(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

-Hi-yah! -(GRUNTS)

(SLATTERY LAUGHS)

-Hey, hey, hey. -(LAUGHS) Not bad, right?

Hey, boys. Come on!

(GRUNTING)

Take that.

-Too slow. -(GRUNTS)

-Good job. -SLATTERY: Nope.

(GRUNTING)

-What the fuck? -(YELLS)

Consider that a divorce.

-Hey, you're mine! -SLATTERY: You want some, too, baldy?

-Take that. -(YELLS)

This is fun. I can do this all day.

Got your eye, motherfucker.

-(SQUELCHES) -(SCREAMING)

ALL: Ooh!

Going up, motherfucker.

I got you, asshole!

-(GRUNTS) -(SCREAMS)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Down goes Frazier.

Slattery, you old son of a bitch.

-(RETCHES) -(ALL GROAN)

Oh!

-Still got it. -(ALL GASP)

This is for Nico and Marco

and all the unnecessary agita you caused me

over the last 11 and a half hours.

-No, no, no, no. -You kill my friends,

I kill your friends. Bye-bye.

GAIL: No, no, no, no. Please, please.

Huh?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

-(YELLS) -Stings.

-(NOTE PLAYS) -(CLINKS)

-Whoops. -Let's face it.

You can pack quite a punch. "Let's face it."

(ALL CHUCKLING)

-(VOICES OVERLAPPING) -OTTO: Wow.

VINCENT: Where did you learn that, man?

SLATTERY: I'm self-taught. Totally self-taught.

-I have a practice head in my garage. -GAIL: Did you see that? He saved my life.

-I gotta tell you... -OTTO: Unreal.

Oh, shit.

(OMINOUS WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING)

SLATTERY: Ding-ding.

Round two, motherfuckers.

I'll take 'em one by one.

(GUNS FIRING)

-(EXHALES) -(CROWS CAWING)

Wow, I thought that was gonna take much more time and energy.

Yeah, you know, we just picked up those dead guys' guns.

-We just went for it. -Improvised a little.

VINCENT: The guns make it easier.

I've never shot a gun before in my life.

-GAIL: Thank you. -I would have never guessed.

-Damn it. -Get her!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

-Tom? I have to call you back. -TOM: Gail.

I was able to extend the deposit.

We'll talk about this later. I'm literally in the middle of a thing.

I have to call you back.

Are you on a treadmill right now?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

GAIL: Get back here!

-(GRUNTS) -(YELLS)

Hey, give us one good reason why we shouldn't kill you... right now.

-I have very powerful friends. -Uh-huh.

-We can make a deal. -GAIL: Like what?

Let me explain.

-What do you guys think? -ALL: Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, give her a shot. -You sure?

-OTTO: Yeah. -Yeah, let her explain. Let her explain.

-We're listening. -Okay. What if...

-(GRUNTS) -GAIL: Caleb!

We just said that we would listen to what she has to say.

I'm sorry. It's the adrenaline. I just had to do it.

Okay. Continue, uh...

-Ludovica. -That is so pretty.

-Thank you. (GRUNTS) -GAIL: I've never heard that...

Vincent. What did I just say?

I know, but you saw what they tried to do to us back there.

-She tried to kill us all. -We said that we would at least listen

-to what she has to propose... -(GRUNTS)

-Guys, what is going on? -Why don't they listen to you?

Ludovica, just let me...

You're already on thin ice, so just shut up for a second, okay?

-Otto, don't hit her. -Yeah? Sorry. Yeah.

-Slattery. -What?

Do you need to get one in before we can listen to what she has to say?

No. I'm good. I got all mine out back there.

Okay. Everybody chill?

-Yeah. -Yeah, I'm super chill. Super chill.

-Ludovica. -Yes?

-The floor is yours. -Really? Now?

-Okay? So, if you let me go... -(GRUNTS) Oh!

Guys, what in the actual fuck?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

-(YELLS) -(GUN CLICKING)

You're all out.

Wait. Wait.

(GRUNTS)

(YELLS)

-(GRUNTING) -(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Huh? You like that? (GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)

-(ALL CLAMORING) -(GRUNTING)

-(RETCHES) -(SCREAMING)

All right, all right. All right, you did it. You're good.

(PANTING)

-Oh, my God. -OTTO: Gail.

She said, "Wait." Why did you...

I got swept up in it, too. What can I say?

I'm human. I'm not perfect.

Of course. Of course. No, we're not judging.

Jeez.

Let's finish what we started, huh?

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

-You guys ready? -GAIL: Yes!

VINCENT: You got all the paperwork?

Wow, that instant stain remover pen really works.

-GAIL: Doesn't it? -Yeah.

You're back. I like you guys,

but if you keep coming here with nothing to offer,

I'm professionally obligated to make you sick.

We have a movie pitch for Jon Hamm.

What's it about? Lay it down in two minutes or less.

Well, Terrence, I could give you the old verbal pitch.

That'd be easy. But I'm gonna do you one better

because sometimes, a giant stack of loose paperwork

is worth a thousand pitches.

-Is this blood on here? -Yeah.

Do you want to explain where it came from?

No.

Okay.

Wow.

This is the kind of part Jon Hamm would destroy.

ALL: (EXCLAIMING) Yes!

I think it's finally time for you to meet Mr. Hamm.

(ALL CHEERING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey. I'm Jon. What's up?

Wow. It is such an honor to meet you.

My name is Gail, and these are my friends.

-Otto, Caleb, Vincent and... -Slat-man! I owe you a text.

Dude, no worries at all.

It's all good.

So, my friend Terrence tells me you guys have a movie to pitch me?

Yes, we do, and it is a home run.

Well, it better be, 'cause if it is,

I will literally do anything for you.

-I'm gonna hold you to that. -JON: Okay, and, Slattery,

-you're gonna be co-starring in this? -What?

Don Draper, Roger Sterling, back together again?

-Yeah! -(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm gonna have to check my schedule, but yeah.

Oh, and, Vince here is an excellent writer.

He's gonna do the screenplay.

-Oh, the all-important scribe. Yes, sir. -(IMITATES TYPEWRITER)

-(ALL LAUGHING) -And I assume you are the negotiator?

Oh, yeah. Well, I worked at CAA but I'm between agencies at the moment.

Well, not for long, if this thing does what I think it's gonna do, am I right?

Yeah, he's right about that.

Now, what about my hair?

Who's gonna take care of that? Any ideas there?

Um, you're looking at it. Three years combined experience.

Perfect. I am psyched.

Let's hear this pitch.

Well, listen, Jonny, I'd give the old verbal pitch.

That'd be easy. But I'm gonna do you one better

because sometimes, a binder full of loose paperwork

-is worth a thousand pitches. -Okay, but I don't want to read it.

-You... -Just tell me the story.

Tell you... He wants to hear the story.

-You want me to go? -CALEB: Oh, yes, yes, yes.

What do I say? Guys? Guys... It's a story about espionage.

Of double identities.

-A secret global network... -Okay, let me stop you right there

'cause I think I get the world of this. But where's the heart?

-The heart? -The heart, the heart.

That's where your character comes in.

He's a guy who's been put to the test...

-Yeah. -Okay? Until he finally realizes

what it's all about. The people you love.

Okay, I like that, but I don't want it to be too dumbed down.

Don't you worry about that. It is the opposite of dumb.

It blows the lid off the entire genre,

and it's all centered around a loose pile of paperwork

that can't fall into the wrong hands or else...

Get this, Jon.

-Major clusterfuck. -Clusterfuck. That's smart.

Okay, so it's smart and it has heart.

-CALEB: Yes. -But does it have cojones?

SLATTERY: Oh, buddy, big ones.

Try this on for size. One man, two fists, killing maybe 20, maybe 30 henchmen.

I don't know, it felt like the same eight guys

recycled over and over again.

But real life. Raw. Uncensored.

-Physical. Visceral. -I'm getting goosebumps.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-This is crazy. This has got balls! -GAIL: Yes!

JON: Yeah.

Pass.

-What? -What?

Yeah. Respectfully, I'm gonna pass on this.

But thank you guys for coming by. What fun. I gotta jump on a Zoom, so...

Wait, wait, wait. That's it?

What don't you like? Because we're not married to anything.

-Yeah, we can change anything. -Literally everything.

No. Yeah, no, no, I'm just not feeling it at all.

So, Terrence is gonna show you out. Thanks again.

-Fun. -Buddy...

Oh, hey. Y'all heard him. Everybody out. Everybody out. Let's get out.

You lost. It happens sometimes. That's... That's the way it is.

Where's the girl?

What?

This isn't a Zoom.

Oh, shame on you, Jon Hamm.

We came all this way. We risked our lives to find you.

And for what?

You making promises to each of us that you had no intention of keeping.

You're not the person that I thought you were.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

You're absolutely right.

The honest truth is...

I'm just scared.

-Sorry, Mr. Hamm. She snuck by me... -Terrence, it's okay. Please, please.

Don't make her sick.

-He's gonna make you sick, Gail. -Guys, guys, look.

I made it seem like I could set up your project

because that's what I thought you wanted to hear.

But the truth is, you can't do anything for any of us.

(SCOFFS) You're just an actor.

You don't know any more about how to set up

the nuts and bolts of a movie than any of us do.

-Isn't that right? -Honestly, yes.

I'm a grown man, but inside I'm still just a...

little kid.

That same awkward wanderer who finally found his place

when he got cast as Winnie-the-Pooh in first grade.

Oh.

My teacher said I was one of the best Poohs of the year.

I bet you were a great Pooh.

-That's when I got bit by the acting bug. -Huh.

JON: And I never got cured.

In high school, I did a wonderful production of Godspell.

Let's get to the part about Mad Men.

Well, Mad Men was a juggernaut beyond my wildest dreams.

Of all the jobs I did in 2007, it was arguably the most high profile.

Those were the days. Wall-to-wall trim.

But then I looked around. People started seeing me differently.

They started seeing "Jon Hamm,"

the larger-than-life guy with the great jaw

and the perfect hairline. You know?

So I guess I just started reflecting back to the public

what I thought they wanted to see.

The Jon Hamm they see on the billboards, it's not me.

I'm just the guy behind the curtain,

pulling the levers.

I guess we all came a long way for nothing.

-Sorry to waste your time. -(SLATTERY SIGHS)

-GAIL: Let's go. -Wait, wait.

I may not be able to help you set up this project,

but I can do something for you guys.

Caleb, what if I was to call CAA

and strongly suggest that they give you your job back?

-That'd be amazing... -Yes.

And, Slattery, I got roped into doing my lawyer's kid's student film,

but I bet I could convince them to give you the job instead.

SLATTERY: Wow. Thanks, man.

They say that student films are the gateway to bigger stuff sometimes.

-Vincent? -Yes?

You wanted to be a screenwriter?

Well...

I'm more of a photographer these days.

Would you mind if I get a shot of you?

-I'd be honored. -Yeah!

JON: Something candid? Like this?

-(SHUTTER CLICKS) -Perfect. (LAUGHS)

Just perfect.

(SIGHS)

Oh, and, Otto, I have something for you.

My swag bag from the Movie and Television awards.

It's got a whole bunch of stuff I will never use,

including some VIP passes to Magic Mountain.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, Magic Mountain. I want to go. (LAUGHS)

-Thank you. -It's the least I could do.

-You guys... -Thank you for everything, Jon. I mean...

Wait, wait. What about Gail?

She's kind of the whole reason we came here in the first place.

That's right. What about Gail?

Yeah. Jon. Do Gail next.

-(CLICKS TONGUE) Guys. -JON: Oh.

Gail, what's your dream?

You wanted to be a hairdresser for the movies, am I right?

Uh...

No. (CHUCKLES)

I actually, um...

have a different kind of request.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS, MOANS)

Hey, we'll let... We'll let you two take it from here.

SLATTERY: Come on. Let's go. VINCENT: Yeah.

(SINGER VOCALIZING)

(GAIL MOANS)

(MOANS, GRUNTS)

(CONTINUES MOANING)

CALEB: There you go, Mommy.

I'm back in the game.

Junior assistant.

(SIGHS)

CREWMEMBER 1: Roll sound. CREWMEMBER 2: Rolling sound. Speed.

Boardroom scene. Take seven.

CREWMEMBER 2: Marker. DIRECTOR: Action.

How many times do I have to tell you guys what's going on around here?

Yeah. What are you doing? You can't smile...

Nobody seems to know... Nobody's on the same page.

Sorry this is 15 years late.

EDITOR: Wait, what?

Oh. And by the way...

I quit.

I'm sorry, who are you? What is this?

Debbie, who the fuck did you just let in my office?

Wait a minute. Ha! That son of a bitch.

He got his white whale.

I'll be damned.

Vincent, you old son of a bitch.

DEBBIE: He's gone. Do you want me to go get him?

Oh, no. That's okay. I can text him. Just remind me. Put it on the list.

DEBBIE: And this would be regarding...

Just put "son of a bitch." I'll know what it means. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

I'll know what it means.

-(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) -(BOTH SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(YELPS, SCREAMS SHRILLY)

(MOANS)

(SIGHING)

(GAIL EXHALES DEEPLY)

GAIL: I feel like...

"I'm floating above the clouds."

"Chains of yesterday dissolve like morning mist."

"As I rise on newfound wings,

"Towards endless blue..."

-"In cloudscapes pure and bright." -"In cloudscapes pure and bright."

-"I am made new." -"I am made new."

What?

I've never met anyone that knows that poem.

Who doesn't love J.M. Stansel?

Are you kidding me? I'm a Stansel junkie.

(CHUCKLES)

I know this sounds crazy, but I could imagine you and me

-rising on wings toward endless blue. -Mm.

Wouldn't that be something?

Some other lifetime, maybe.

Sure.

Some other lifetime.

(BOTH SIGH)

Jon Hamm.

Who knew?

It's too bad you're getting married.

Because I would love to take you to this magical spot I know in St. Blarts.

Soomer in St. Blarts sounds incredible.

I'm so flattered.

But, yes, I am getting married

and so I can't go to St. Blarts with you.

But...

sincerely, it was so great to fuck you.

And thanks for everything.

-Be well. -You too.

(SIGHS)

What a day.

GAIL: LAX, please. CAB DRIVER: You got it.

Probably good you're getting out of the city.

I'm sure you heard about the mess that happened

at the abandoned movie lot the other night.

(HORN BLARING)

-Go ahead. Go around me. -Uh...

No, no. I'm... I haven't heard.

-What happened? -You haven't heard? Oh...

They found dozens of dead bodies out there.

It's just impossible to process.

I mean, nothing like that has ever happened before.

Hey, sorry, I think I recognize you.

Are you Elizabeth Perkins, by any chance?

-Yes. -(GASPS)

-Hey, there. -(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

WOMAN: Get over here, Solly.

The ceremony's gonna start in a few minutes.

-Do you know what works with bridesmaids? -What?

-A little Slattery flattery. -(CALEB LAUGHS)

How about some... How about some Caleb...

Okay.

So, when I tell you you may kiss the bride,

that's your cue to, uh...

Well, I'm gonna keep this PG.

I'm not sure I understand.

Mm. Nobody rocks a whip curl like my girl.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, you're still feeling okay about all this, right?

No. Yeah. Yes, no. No, I am feeling good.

-You sure? -Yeah.

I mean, Tom is far from perfect.

Like, he works too much.

He drinks a little bit more than I'd like him to.

-(CHUCKLES) -He snores so loud. (CHUCKLES)

He'll never say things like, "Thank you" or "I'm sorry."

And when I had that full hysterectomy,

and I really, really needed him to be there for me,

-he essentially checked out. -Yeah.

I think it's just about picking your poison.

And I guess Tom is my poison.

Make sure you say all that in your vows.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

And now, time for the $64,000 question. (CHUCKLES)

Gail Elizabeth Daughtry, do you take Tom Soursap McNoodleman

to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward,

for better or for worse,

in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

I...

Gail?

(GUESTS MURMURING)

No, I... I'm...

Wow. I'm sorry. I don't want to marry you.

Oh! Thank God.

Tom, you have been my whole world.

But there's a whole universe out there waiting for me to explore.

There's celebrities, there's fancy hotels and unexpected friendships.

-Hello. -Hi.

I don't want to hurt you.

But I guess I have to, Tom.

Is this because of the Aniston thing?

Does it change anything if I told you I only half finished?

-(LAUGHS) -JON: Gail!

(GUESTS GASPING, MURMURING)

-JON: Gail! -(HOT AIR BALLOON HISSING)

Gail!

(GASPS)

-Gail! -Jon.

Ooh! (LAUGHS)

Jon.

What are you doing here?

Gail, you are the only woman I have ever met

who has made me feel good about being the real me.

And so I flew 1,400 miles in this balloon to tell you

I want to be with you. Forever.

Wow. Jon Hamm...

I never dreamed that I would see you again.

But as you can see, I'm just getting out of something.

SLATTERY: Hey, Jon.

I'm definitely down to hang. Maybe we can keep it casual?

Oh, totally. Why don't we just keep it loose and freaky?

Loose and freaky sounds great.

Get in here.

(HOT AIR BALLOON HISSING)

(GUESTS CHEERING)

Go, Gail, go.

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

Yes.

What the fuck is happening?

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

And if you're wondering what happened to Gail and Mr. Hamm...

I don't know.

He just picked her up on that balloon, and it's happening right now as we speak.

I mean, I'm not a fortune teller.

And if I'm being honest, when did it become my job

to spoon-feed you every little nuanced point in this story?

I mean, you're 35 years old, right?

You can figure out some stuff on your own.

I mean, to tell you the truth, I got a lot of problems of my own.

You know, not that you care,

because for you, it's all just, "Whatever happened to Gail?"

You know, "Gail, Gail, Gail."

Because not for nothing,

I've really been going through a lot of shit, you know?

Do you have any idea what it's like to have a blood clot in your leg?

It's a fucking nightmare, that's what it is.

And then my daughter, I don't want to even get into that shit.

She hasn't returned my phone calls in eight months. Eight months!

And then on top of that, there's this whole mishegoss with my roof.

The roofer, he said $600. Not a fucking penny more.

And he gave me a bill for double that.

This guy's a fucking criminal. He should be in jail.

Do not ever, ever hire Scott Lindhome to do anything in your house.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

TERRENCE: Gonna make you all sick.

I'mma make you all very sick.

Now get outta here before I change my mind and make you all real sick.

Enough questions.

Unless you want me to make you all very, very sick.

GAIL: Nobody wants to get sick, right, fellas?

SLATTERY: No, I definitely don't wanna get sick.

VINCENT: I just got over something.

Hey, I'm Scott Lindhome, Scott Lindhome Roofing.

Look, let me tell you, there are two sides to every story.

What our friendly neighborhood "mailman" forgets to mention

is the raccoon infestation living under his shingles.

God! What? Am I supposed to pay for that?

Are you out of your mind?

It's $600 for basic shingle replacement.

Look. See? "Surprises not included."

And by the way, $600 barely pays for the fucking nails.

You don't believe me? You head on down to Home Depot and check for yourself.

And don't tell me you don't got enough time.

'Cause I know for a fact you have not had a job since April.

Maybe I did charge him double, but you know what?

His fucking roof is gonna be watertight for the next 20 years, okay?

End of story.

Jeez. What the shit?

(PHONE RINGING, BEEPS)

Hey, Scott, it's Gail Daughtry. (CHUCKLES)

I probably haven't seen you since my mom and dad's funeral.

Anyway, crazy story.

I'm actually up in a hot-air balloon right now,

and I can see the roof of my house.

It is looking like it might need some maintenance.

What do you think? Anyway, no rush.

Just call me when you can.

This is Gail Daughtry... and the Celebrity Sex Pass.