Original subtitles

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -NARRATOR: Previously,

on a very special Clone High.

Harriet Tubman's got secrets.

She's secret friends with Joan of Arc

who's been banished to the Bleacher Creatures,

and she secretly hooked up with Toussaint Louverture,

unbeknownst to Confucius.

Technically, all she did was look at Toussaint,

but the look got pretty X-rated.

In fact it may have been the most graphic

eye-on-eye sex scene in the history of animated shows

about high school clones.

And you better believe we're bragging about it.

♪ (GENTLE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(CROWD CHEERING)

(GULPS)

Er, uh, er, uh... (BURPS)

Yay!

Twenty-two seconds?

That's gotta be some kind of record.

-You think? -No idea.

I've never been to a party of this magnitude.

-Oh! (GIGGLES) -Whoa!

These ladies know what they like,

and it sure isn't me.

-(MOANS) -Not now, girls.

Aw!

What gives, my brother from another beaker?

Hey, you should be partying hard,

but you're hardly partying, and you're only partly hard.

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'm wondering if there's more to life

-than just partying... -Yeah!

...and boning, and railing, and nailing.

But don't forget about banging.

The banging good time we're gonna have

at our six-month friend anniversary next week.

Our boy-niversary.

(CHUCKLES) Like anniversary, but for boys!

I was gonna wait until then,

but it seems like you need this pick-me-up ASAP.

"Slut." Like, er, uh, that's me.

ABE LINCOLN: I knew you'd get it!

-Slut? (GIGGLE) -Still not a good time, girls.

-Aw! -GIRL CLONE: Damn it.

And I got one encapsulating my identity as well!

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

All right, I warmed up the seat.

You go ahead and put some butts in it.

♪ ("SAID THAN DONE" BY AMBER RYANN PLAYING) ♪

♪ And done, done, done, done Ready to move on ♪

♪ Done, done, done, done ♪

♪ I know it's easier said Than done ♪

Whoo! Man! That party went fast!

-♪ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪ -♪ Way, way back in the 1980s ♪

♪ Secret government employees ♪

♪ Dug up famous Guys and ladies ♪

♪ And made Amusing genetic copies ♪

♪ Then the clones As teens were frozen ♪

♪ Thawed out Decades later, why? ♪

♪ Back for reasons They're not disclosin' ♪

♪ Giving high school Another try ♪

♪ It's time to watch Clone High ♪

♪ Energetic and engaging Clone High ♪

♪ Our angst is entertaining Clone High ♪

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

Welcome to Cloney Island, the only historical,

clone-themed amusement park in the whole friggin' world.

Try Edgar Allan Poe's Scary-Go-Round.

"Oh, yeah, that's awesome!"

Or the Socra-Tea-Cups.

"Yay, we love that, too!"

Win a stuffed animal at the Genghis Khanival.

Or scream your head off

at Mr. Toph's Wild Ride of Genocide.

"This is so fun. I can't decide which one do to do first!"

(YELLS) Who am I kidding?

I don't have enough money to finally build Cloney Island!

It's all about the Benjamins in this world,

-and I only have one! -(HUMS)

That's because all your extra money

-goes to Uncle Sam. -Lightbulb!

What if I didn't pay taxes?

You would go to jail. Wesley Snipes.

If there was only some way to legally not pay taxes.

-♪ (CHORAL SINGING) ♪ -Shut the hell up, Prayer Pals!

God, I hate religion and the way it's used

to manipulate people and avoid taxes. (GASPS)

That's it, Mr. B! I will burn down the school!

Why don't you just make Clone High a religious school?

Religion? The opiate of the masses?

The flag of violence,

genocide, and colonialism across the globe?

Hoarding the wealth of the impoverished!

And the most heinous crime of all,

-Christian Rock. -(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)

But religious institutions are tax-exempt.

Then amen, baby!

Wait, you're turning Clone High into a religious school?

(SCREAMS) Mr. B, you've got to close this door

when we're scheming! That's like rule number one.

Fart less. Door stays closed more.

Listen, you two could be a real asset here.

We need the entire student body to join Prayer Pals,

so the religion thing seems credible.

As the school's most prominent power couple,

you guys can make it happen.

Organized religion really isn't our thing.

Yeah. What's in it for us?

-What do you want? -Hmm. What do we want, babe?

We want you to make an extra pair of clones of us,

so we can cut class, but still get marked present.

That's insane.

I can't just whip up full-grown clones like that.

It's science fiction!

We know you've done it,

'cause you left the door open while you did it.

(SCREAMS)

-Fart less. -Oh, you don't have a nose!

Man, you feeling as rough as I am

after that rager last night?

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -Yeah, you are!

No, I just sat up thinking about all the sex I've had.

To be a fly on the wall of your brain, you slut!

Believe me, when you've had as much as me,

it... (SIGHS) ...loses some appeal.

But you have your virginity. I envy that.

Hey, I would happily let you take my virginity.

Tha-- that didn't come out right.

I'm serious, Abe.

As a Kennedy, statistically speaking,

I've hit the mid-point of my life!

And I'm starting to feel like I want a do-over.

ABE: You listen here!

I know exactly what'll cheer you up.

I am planning the boy-niversary of the century for us.

LADY GODIVA: Do you feel empty inside?

You probably know me as the naked lady on the horse.

Lady Godiva?

And for a long time I was.

I was hooked on public nudity. First, it was the Super Bowl.

I ran naked in front of over a billion people.

If there was a game happening, I was running naked through it.

Baba Booey!

I was turning up nude at dog tracks,

-military funerals... -(EAGLE SCREECHES)

LADY GODIVA: ...smoking lounges,

-truck stops. -(HORN HONKS)

LADY GODIVA: And one day, I ran my naked butt

right into a jail cell. And that's where I found God.

♪ (CHORAL SINGING) ♪

Now, I get attention by showing people the light,

instead of my butt cheeks.

If you think something's missing in your life,

come join us for Prayer Pals,

Clone High's most religious club!

Abe, maybe they can fill my empty hole!

(CHUCKLES) Nice one!

Oh, uh, that's, er, uh, not a sex joke.

Well, where the slut goes, the wing slut follows.

Let's get your balls deep in some youth group.

♪ (ELECTRIC GUITAR TUNE PLAYING) ♪

The religious inspector is coming tomorrow!

We've only got one day to transform the school

into a house of worship.

We don't have a prayer!

No, we've got a whole Christian Rock band.

-Hit it, Dads! -♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ It's a Christian rock song ♪

♪ That you listen to While you get your prayer on ♪

♪ A crown of thorns Some rosaries ♪

♪ Loaves and fish Down on my knees ♪

♪ On every wall A holy crucifix ♪

♪ Jesus had abs, a pack of six ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh Don't forget, he carries you ♪

♪ One set of footprints In the sand ♪

♪ Flood an ark In the palm of your hand ♪

♪ Say, Cain You reach this for me ♪

♪ Dear God I'm certainly Abel ♪

♪ A Blu-Ray of the movie, Doubt To the heavens we do shout ♪

♪ Moses led the Jews right out ♪

-Scudworth! -(SCREAMS)

-(GLASS SHATTERING) -What are you doing here?

I'm turning Clone High into a religious school,

so we can avoid paying taxes.

That is, by far,

the most brilliant...ly bad to the bone... headed

in the right direction... for rejection...

of rejection idea you've ever had!

-So you like it? -Of course! I hate taxes.

Why do you think I shop here? No sales tax!

♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

♪ And we do it And we do it ♪

♪ Forget about our redemption ♪

♪ We're getting that sweet Sweet tax exemption ♪

♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

And my parents bought the whole airbrush T-shirt chain

to make up for missing my last three birthdays.

I made this trucker cap last night.

HARRIET TUBMAN: Aw, prayer hands!

It's Pikachu, but it's cool. I'm learning.

GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER: Confucius, you're up!

Oh! Gotta volley that ball.

But first, gotta serve you with a kiss!

(SMOOCHES)

(GROANS)

JOAN OF ARC: I'm so excited, we can be secret friends now,

even though I'm a Bleacher Creature, and--

Joan, I don't need a recap. I need advice.

And I have been feeling so bad since I...

(SHARPLY INHALES) ...I eye-cheated.

(JOAN GASPS) You had sex with someone else?

No, no! I-- I-- I-- I-- I cheated with my eyes

on Confucius with Toussaint.

JOAN: Eyes? That doesn't sound so bad.

The eyes are the windows to the soul,

and we penetrated each other's windows!

JOAN: Wow! Okay. Uh. Let's see.

-Joan? -(SCREAMS)

Are you talking to people?

Bleacher Creatures only talk to Bleacher Creatures.

Unless it's online.

And we troll anyone who feels good about themselves.

Nope! Just telling some authority figures to suck it!

That's right.

Yeah, eat a bag of butts, people in power!

I'm picturing powerful people eating butts right now,

and I'm loving it. Nice work.

JOAN: Sorry about that. So, do you want my advice?

It better not be to tell Confucius,

because that's the last thing I want to do.

Our relationship is built on trust,

and honesty. That's why I have to deceive him!

JOAN: Which is why my advice is, don't tell Confucius?

But I hate feeling guilty!

There's no reason to feel guilty when you have Prayer Pals!

Frida? You're into Prayer Pals?

(SCOFFS) Of course I am! I love it!

And I'm not getting my own clone

of myself as payment, if that's your concern.

I love it too!

I also don't get a clone as payment.

The Prayer Pals do lots of good deeds.

Everyone knows when you do a good deed,

it erases a bad one. Like this.

(GROANS)

-Nice hair! -Oh, thank you.

JOAN: Psst! Couldn't hurt to do some good deeds.

That was my inner monologue.

Um, that's what it says, and it agrees with you.

And so do I,

because we're one and the same, obviously.

Okay, bye!

♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Welcome to Prayer Pals!

It feels good to know that the word is spreading.

First, I'd love to hear from some of our new folks.

(GROANS)

Hey, I'm Abe. I came here for my best friend,

the man, the legend, my boy, JFK!

Now, I want everyone to go easy on him,

because he's not your typical youth-group kid.

This guy's a proper cocksman.

Abe!

JFK, do people act like your whole personality is sex?

They do. And they're not wrong.

Tell 'em how many people you've had sex with.

-No! -Not in a braggy way!

Just for a little context!

If you ask me,

no amount of sex is as cool as this sweet purity ring.

And anything you did before accepting the ring

just doesn't matter anymore.

(ALL CHEER)

What, like a do-over? I can get my virginity back?

Exactly.

Could I get my eye-virginity back?

-What? -(HUSHED CHATTER)

Nothing. That was a joke, 'cause my eyes are virgins.

Should we just get to the part where we do good deeds?

♪ ("UPSIDE DOWN WORLD" BY EXTREME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ La, la, la, la La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

(LAUGHS, GASPS)

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

(LAUGHS) Ah!

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

-♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ -(SCREAMS)

(CHILDREN LAUGH)

♪ I've got dreams Inside my head... ♪

(SINGING) ♪ The sun'll come out-- ♪

Shut it, orphan! I'm helping you.

♪ I've got dreams Inside my brain ♪

♪ Make me feel insane But I'm not gonna lie ♪

(SCREAMS)

-(SCREAMS) -(TRUCK HORN HONKS)

(LAUGHS)

-♪ Hello, there sunlight ♪ -♪ Hey, hey ♪

-♪ I'll be there soon ♪ -♪ Hey, hey ♪

(SCREAMS, GROANS)

-(BIRD TWEETS) -(GROANS)

-(EXCITED CHATTER) -Oh, that was awesome.

Did you see Betsy Ross on the trampoline?

I think she wants to run her flag up your flag pole.

Not gonna happen, Abe!

From this day forward,

I only wanna use my pee-pee for pee-pee!

God knows you want a fresh start, JFK.

All you have to do is accept this purity ring

and put your relationship with Him first.

And you can do that at our upcoming

celibacy ceremony.

Something we like to call a "celi-mony."

ALL: Amen!

JFK, being celibate will change who you are!

No, it'll make me who I've always been.

I forgot that Kennedys aren't just horny sex machines.

We're also super devout Catholics.

You're really gonna choose religion over us?

Of course not!

Nothing could possibly come between us boys.

-So help me, God. -(CROWD CHEERING)

ALL: God! God! God!

So many things are literally coming between--

ALL: God! God!

♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Why the long face, Lincoln? -It's genetic, I guess.

You should see my long butt crack.

Nah, I mean you don't look jazzed

to get your brush on! What's going on?

Have you noticed the Prayer Pals

have basically taken over the school?

I'd say they're a presence.

Well, it feels like JFK is getting swept up in it,

and I'm worried about him.

He's changing like this shirt is changing,

right before my very eyes!

Listen, every relationship has its ups and downs.

Also its side-to-sides. Except for me and Harriet.

Our love is timeless, just like airbrushing.

But you and JFK have something really special.

You're boys.

And that bond's as strong as a leather bracelet.

You're right!

I just have to remind him of our bond.

Good thing he already knows our boy-niversary tonight

is the biggest day of the year.

I can't wait to get in the cake I made to surprise him.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, poors! Come get your free soup!

Huh! I wonder why Abe didn't come

to Prayer Pals today.

Any second.

Why aren't these good deeds

getting rid of my bad deed, Joan?

I still feel like these drums of discount chowder,

borderline rotten.

(GROANS) Maybe you should just tell Confucius what happened.

Confess to Confucius? That's crazy!

Oh, whatever your sin is,

the only person you confess to is God!

I don't have to confess

to the person I've sinned against?

No! Religion allows us to talk to an invisible man

instead of friends and loved ones or soup.

Tell God? Yeah, wow, okay!

That's-- that's way better than telling Confucius.

Glad I could help.

Now, who's ready for some scalding hot chowder?

'Cause I'm servin' it up all night long, yeah!

You get chowder. You get chowder,

you get chowder.

You get chowder. You get chowder.

I get chowder.

(GASPS, PANTS)

That's it!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(ALL SOB)

(ALL CRY)

JFK, with this purity ring,

do you vow to commit yourself wholly to God

by keeping your junk in your pants

until you marry a woman you can put said junk in?

-I-- -ABE: I object!

(CROWD GASPS)

-(GASPS) -ALL: Yay!

What are you doing? You're blowing this for me!

No one's blowing anything! And that's the problem!

-♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Last night was our six-month boy-niversary, remember?

I know you've been down,

so I planned to have everything to cheer you up!

But I got tired of waiting inside of the cake for hours!

I even had Van Gogh come to paint our JFKAbe portrait.

But you weren't here!

I'm sorry, Abe.

I was, uh, helping The Prayer Pals.

You know you're my boy.

Am I?

-(PORTRAIT THUDDING) -Then why did I find this in your nightstand?

-(BOTH GASP) -(GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER RETCHES)

ABE: It's never supposed to come off!

-It's a leather cuff! -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

It's just-- I wanna see if maybe I'm more than just a sex slut,

-you know? -ABE: Fine!

Then I guess this is garbage! (GROANS)

Such... (GRUNTS) ...quality leather!

(GROANS) Too strong!

I've already lost my best friend, Gandhi,

who disappeared without a trace just like that TV show.

Yeah, do-- What's the name?

Anyway, and I also lost my best friend, Joan,

when she tried to wipe all our memories.

And now, I'm losing you!

You aren't the boy I fell in friendship with!

These people wanna change you,

but I accept you just the way you are.

So I'm not giving up without a fight,

because that's what boys do.

-They fight for each other! -♪ (SOMBER MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

JFK, look around you.

Everyone else at school has realized

Prayer Pals is the answer.

Shoutout to Frida and Cleo for some incredible recruiting.

Abe represents the old you, so choose purity.

Because I'm afraid you can't choose both.

I, er, uh, er, uh... I, uh, er, uh, choose--

ABE: I can't let them do this!

-I'm saving us! -Stop, Abe!

(LAUGHS) Problem solved.

Now, we can get back to being best friends-- (GAGS)

Stupid gag reflex!

Does anyone have a glass of water?

(GROANS, SIGHS)

-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -JFK,

it's either celibacy or Abe.

Hint, one of those choices leads to Hell.

Uh, I, er, uh-- I, uh-- I need to pray on this!

-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -(CROWD GASPS)

♪ (SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

As you can see, we're an extremely religious institution.

So religious that we shouldn't pay a dime to the government.

I'll be the judge of that!

Communion wafer and cheese charcuterie board?

Hmm! Don't mind if I do!

Christ on a cracker, it's delicious!

(BOTH SIGH)

FRIDA KAHLO: Hey, friend in Christ.

You look comfortable and appropriate

in your modest attire.

Thank you! As do you.

We look the same and think the same,

-because individuality is gross. -Hmm!

Consider yourself approved for tax exemption.

-Huzzah! -Halle-freakin'-lujah!

Please, God, answer me.

Who should I choose, Abe or celibacy?

Send me a sign! Or you can use words!

-(DOORS OPENING) -(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

-(OBJECTS CLATTERING) -ABE: Ow! (WHIMPERS)

-(BIRDS CHIRPING) -(ABE SCREAMS)

-(GLASS SHATTERING) -(ABE SIGHS)

-(ANIMALS SCREECHING, GROWLING) -(ABE SCREAMS)

-(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) -(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

-ABE: (IN DEEP VOICE) JFK! -Huh?

This is God!

Oh, my God! I mean, Oh, my You!

Oh, my Me, indeed. (CHUCKLES)

Anyway, JFK, I've been listening to you,

and it seems like Abe is your really good friend.

He's probs a solid choice.

But he swallowed my celibacy ring.

And I'm pretty sure he's the one who keyed my car.

It's making me feel like I should choose you.

I may be God, but I'm not that great either.

(CHUCKLES) I've made mistakes.

You know, I created disease and wars and--

and the phrase, "Let's circle back."

Right, well, I hate making Abe unhappy.

Hey, you could never make Abe unhappy.

Abe's your boy.

He's just trying to make you happy.

So you think I should turn my back on you,

so Abe and I can stay best buds?

Just suck it up, and keep doing the empty, meaningless sex?

Well, I mean, when you put it that way...

Just say the word, God, and I'll do it.

Just, please, don't let Abe see how unfulfilling it is for me.

JFK, I think... (SOBS) ...you should choose celibacy

if it makes you happy. And knowing Abe,

he will appreciate you for whoever you choose to be.

-Why are you crying? -I just stubbed my God toe.

Don't worry about Abe. I'll text him.

Beep-boop! He texted back. He says he'll always be ya boy.

And he said it was the Brontë sisters

-who keyed your car. -♪ (SOLEMN MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(HUMS)

-JFK, what happened? -God's in the gymnasium,

and he's saying some pretty great stuff!

-(EXCLAIMS) -God is here at Clone High?

JOAN: Ow!

Harriet! I have something for you. Wait up!

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -Oh, God, hello!

I have a confession. (EXHALES)

I eye-cheated on Confucius with Toussaint.

(INHALES DEEPLY) I'm talking complete corneal penetration.

Like, we... (GRUNTS)

We full-on rodded each other's cones, man!

-(GROANS) -♪ (SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

So, God, I need you to take this whole thing away,

so I never, ever have to tell Confucius.

Uh. I think you just did.

Confucius!

I was here to just give you these airbrushed couples' shirts

that say, "I've Only Got Eyes For You!"

♪ (SOLEMN MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Why did it get so specific?

Awkward!

-(CROWD CHEERING) -LADY GODIVA: My fellow Prayer Pals,

I've just gotten word that Clone High

is now officially a religious institution.

(CROWD CHEERING)

LADY GODIVA: Right? Feels good, doesn't it?

(CROWD CHEERING)

I never thought I'd see such an enormous crowd

of friendly Prayer Pal faces.

All just looking at me.

It stirs up something, deep inside.

(CROWD CHEER)

You want a show, don't ya?

Well, guess what? Godiva's gonna give it to ya!

I'm free!

(LAUGHS) Yahoo!

I'm free!

(LAUGHS)

-(GASPS) -LADY GODIVA: Baba Booey! (LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

Well, Mr. B, we're in the money.

My dream of creating Cloney Island

-is now within reach. -(DOOR OPENING)

Scudworth! I just witnessed

a student running naked across the quad!

I'm sorry, but that is not religious institution behavior!

Uh, what? Oh, no, I'm sure it's some sort of mistake!

Hey, nice doing business with you, Scuddy Buddy!

Thanks for the clones.

You two have English now. We're gonna go get some sushi.

-(SIGHS) -(SIGHS)

Clones? Excuse me, you're cloning people here?

You're at Clone High. What the frig did you expect?

No tax exemption for you! Only eternal damnation!

Well, Mr. B, should we try again as a Hebrew school?

Way ahead of you. Just call me "Mazel Bot." Oy!

-♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

♪ (GENTLE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

-♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -♪ It's a Christian rock song ♪

♪ That you listen to While you get your prayer on ♪

♪ A crown of thorns Some rosaries ♪

♪ Loaves and fish Down on my knees ♪

♪ On every wall A holy crucifix ♪

♪ Jesus had abs, a pack of six ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh Don't forget, he carries you ♪

♪ One set of footprints In the sand ♪

♪ Flood an ark In the palm of your hand ♪

♪ Say, Cain You reach this for me ♪

♪ Dear God I'm certainly Abel ♪

♪ A Blu-ray of the movie, Doubt To the heavens we do shout ♪

♪ Moses led the Jews right out ♪