Original subtitles

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

NARRATOR: 1965.

High school sports were all the rage.

-(CROWD CHEERING) -NARRATOR: Football. Basketball.

Baseball.

And the most popular sport of all,

snorkeling.

-(WHISTLE BLOWS) -NARRATOR: As thousands of high school athletes

dove into the pool to compete,

-there was one shining star... -(EAGLE SCREECHING)

...who outshone them all.

Young Cinnamon J. Scudworth.

As everyone knows in the extremely popular sport

of competitive snorkeling, players have to spot fish.

No one could spot more fish than Scudworth.

-And the world was starting to notice. -(CROWD CHEERING)

(KISSES)

FISH GIRL: (GASPS) He pointed at me! (SQUEALS)

-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Yeah, I remember,

Scudworth took this rinky dink little school all the way

-to the National Snorkeling Invitational... -(CROWD CHEERING)

...in Big City, USA.

-I invested a fortune... -(CROWD CHEERING)

...in that big-nippled son of a bitch.

NARRATOR: But alas, as with all rising stars,

-eventually they must fall. -♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Scudworth, the National Snorkeling Invitational

-starts in 20 minutes! -(YOUNG PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH MUNCHING)

You need a full 30 before you go swimming!

Don’t you get it? I don’t care! I feel invincible!

NARRATOR: But he was very vincible.

My tummy! It hurts so much! Owie!

NARRATOR: He was diagnosed with type-1 tummy cramps.

A devastating blow to his future...

-(GURGLING SCREAM) -...and his bowels.

-After that, people weren’t pointing with him anymore... -(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

-...they were pointing at him. -(LAUGHTER)

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I was done with Scudworth. I mean, imagine a snorkeler

getting pointed at like some fish.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Except maybe if you were a high jumper

and people started jumping over you.

NARRATOR: On the cusp of fame and fortune,

Scudworth lost it all.

He retreated from the spotlight

-never to be seen again. -(FLIES BUZZ)

(CAN POPS OPEN)

(INHALES, GULPS)

CHEERLEADERS: Sports! Sports! Sports! Sports!

SACAGAWEA: And another disappointing effort...

(CROWD BOOS)

...by the Clone High snorkeling team.

-(CROWD BOOING) -(BUZZER BLARES)

It’s the biggest loss of the season,

but the team has still launched

into their famous post-game celebration.

(CHANTING) We tried!

-Yeah, yeah, we tried! -What’d we do?

(CHANTING) Yeah, we tried! Yeah, yeah, we tri--

Ah! I missed.

(CHANTING) But you tried! Yeah, yeah, you tried.

♪ (MARCHING BAND RENDITION OF "CLONE HIGH THEME SONG" PLAYING) ♪

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(GULPS) -(GLASS SHATTERING)

Hmm?

Wistful sigh.

How did I fall so far, Mr. B?

I was the face of the biggest snorkeling company in the world.

Now, I’m trapped in this godforsaken town,

coaching nothing but losers!

Maybe it’s time to stop thinking

about snorkeling so much? You know, you’re also

-a pretty successful sci-- -SCUDWORTH: Balderdash!

I need a protégé. Someone I can take to the top.

Someone who can help me recapture the glory I felt

before I ruined everything!

(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

(SQUEALS)

Hey, P. Scud.

Ooh, you’ve got a bunch of glass stuck in you.

Sixteen pieces in your left leg, 18 in the right leg,

nine in your right arm, six in your left arm,

and 14 in your face.

♪ (INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Frida Kahlo, you just pointed and counted all that

with the effortless skill of a snorkeling champion.

A snorkeling what now?

How do you feel about the smell and taste of chlorine?

Love it, obviously.

You have to join my snorkeling team.

-You have such a natural talent. -Eh.

I’m more into right-brained, left-wing shiz, like, painting!

I’m submitting a piece

to the Exclamation Fine Arts Festival,

and the first prize is a full ride

to the Exclamation Art College.

Oh, Frida, the dream is to get out of this podunk,

backwards, one-horse, dead-end shithole.

Every one of these losers would give their middle nut

to get outta here.

-Please take my middle nut! -Take me!

I mean, it’s a good art school. Plus, Cleo’s here.

She’s pretty much my muse.

♪ (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES, FADES) ♪

Here you go, boo. This one’s finished.

Oh, cool!

Our heads on a platter. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-'Cause we a feast, babe! -So, good. (CHUCKLES)

Listen, Frida, snorkeling can make you rich!

So, instead of giving Cleo paintings,

you can buy her things she’ll actually enjoy,

like catamarans and Gila monsters.

Every girl wants a Gila monster these days.

(GRUNTS, BREATHES DEEPLY) Safe and sound.

Yeah. You really think I could make it big

as a swimmer with a pipe?

It’s called snorkeling, and yes, you could. With me by your side.

Okay. Let me submit this to the festival,

then I’ll give it a try. Later, Principal Scudworth!

Frida. Call me Coach Scuddy Buddy.

(CHUCKLES) Nah. Bye!

-♪ (BAND MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Steady! A little higher!

You got it, Marie?

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

You’re the base, Marie Antoinette.

The most important position on the mat!

So, we need you to hold it together.

(GROANS) I am try...

(GRUNTS)

-(BONES POPPING) -(SCREAMS)

(CHEERLEADERS SCREAM)

(GASPS) Her head is completely off!

Get the school nurse over here. I think she needs a Tylenol.

On the plus side, at least she lost a few pounds.

We need a new base

for the reverse pyramid stunt, stat!

No one else is strong enough, Harriet!

Well, we need to find someone! The reverse pyramid

is the whole reason I’m getting scouted

by Big City College University.

They’ve got the best film program in the country,

and a cheer scholarship is my only way in.

-Good luck! -♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Looks like Harriet’s in trouble without Marie Antoinette.

When popular kids suffer, Bleacher Creatures rejoice!

-BLEACHER CREATURES: Huzzah! -Yes.

-(QUIETLY) Uh, huzzah. -Oh! Evil idea alert.

Let’s sabotage the cheerleaders from the inside.

-You mean wear their skins? -No, Ivan the Terrible.

Joan can join the squad and take 'em down from within.

And trigger another Cheermageddon!

What’s Cheermageddon?

-♪ (DOO WOP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Some years ago Gertrude Stein

had a cheer scholarship to Oxford

until she went to hold up the Y in "Yell"

and it was upside down.

♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(CROWD GASPS)

TOPHER BUS: The cheerleaders appeared to be saying,

“Hell together.”

-Huh? (GRUNTS) -TOPHER: Everyone was so confused

-that the sports team lost the sports game. -Hot dogs!

(BOTH SCREAMS)

(CROWD SCREAMS)

TOPHER: As the holder of the inverted Y,

Gertrude ended up losing

her full-ride cheerleading scholarship to Oxford

-to cheer for the queen. -(CROWD BOOING)

Okay, wait, I don’t really wanna ruin Harriet’s life.

She was my best friend.

Until she kicked you to the curb.

The same curb to which we’ve all been kicked.

Bleacher Creatures don’t get offered scholarships

to fancy schools.

You think any of us are ever gonna get outta this town?

We can’t even get out of these bleachers.

But I don’t know if I wanna hurt her

just because she’s upset.

HARRIET TUBMAN: Don’t Joan this up, squad!

-Yes, that's right. -Huh?

Joan’s a verb now.

It means "screwing everything up for everyone else."

Oh my God! It's already in the Urban Dictionary.

All right, I’ll take her down.

(SINISTER LAUGHTER)

-(CHEWS NERVOUSLY) -(CROWD CHEERING)

(SCUDWORTH GULPING)

Hey, P. Scud. Any words of wisdom

-for my first match? -♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

All right, rookie.

I'm going to give you the same advice

the great Schneider Snorkelle once gave me.

Go out there and point at fish.

Got it.

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(BLOWS WHISTLES)

-(CROWD CHEERING) -(SCREAMS)

-(WATER SPLASHING) -(DING)

(DING)

(CONTINUOUS DINGING)

(DING)

Yes!

(DOLPHIN SQUEAKING)

(SCOREBOARD DINGING)

-(CROWD CHEERING) -(CONTINUOUS DINGING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(DINGING)

(TIMER CLICKS)

(DING)

-(SCOREBOARD DINGS) -(BUZZER BLARES)

(CROWD CHEERS)

I never thought I’d say this,

but Clone High wins the snorkeling match!

(SHOUTING) Goal-d-fish!

We actually won.

-You did it, Frida! -Thanks, Coach.

(CHANTING) We tried! Yeah, yeah we tried!

No, you morons, you won!

It doesn’t mean we didn’t try, Coach!

(CHANTING) We tried! Yeah, yeah, we tried!

And were successful!

♪ (MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(CHEWS)

Okay, Genghis, your job is just to stand here

and hold everyone up. Do you think you can do that?

Yes!

-Okay, squad, reverse pyramid! -(MARIE ANTOINETTE SCREAMS)

That’s it, Genghis!

Pyramid, let’s see those arms up straight!

-(CHEERLEADERS SCREAM) -No, not you, Genghis!

(CHEERLEADERS GASP)

Whoa! Got it!

-Whoa. -Joan?

What is she doing here?

Whoa! She just caught all five of them.

-Uh, actually there were nine. -(CHEERLEADER SCREAMS, GROANS)

What’s all this about?

You said you think cheerleading is for stupid

-shouting whores. -(MARIE SCREAMS)

Ah, used to.

But now, I think it’s for smart shouting whores.

-(CHEERLEADER SCREAMS) -(THUD)

As much as it pains me after you betrayed me,

I need you on my squad.

But you’re not in my squad. Got it, Betray Zellweger?

Got it.

(CHEERLEADERS SCREAM, GROAN)

♪ For Frid’s a jolly Good Kahlo! ♪

♪ For Frid’s a jolly Good Kahlo! ♪

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Excuse me.

-Uh, is this where I can find... -(GASPS)

...Frida Kahlo?

-(CHEERLEADER SCREAMS) -Oh, my God!

-(BOTTLE SHATTERING) -Schneider Snorkelle!

-Scudworth, is that you? -Yes, sir.

My God, you look like shit.

But hell, I thought you were dead,

so I-- I guess congratulations.

Frida, this is the most influential man

in the world of snorkeling.

Listen to every word he has to say.

I wish I did when I had the chance.

(CLEARS THROAT) I like what I saw out there today, kid.

I wanna make you part

of the Schneider Snorkeling family.

How does 5,000 schmackers sound as a signing bonus?

-Whoa! -That’s a lot of money

-for most people, not me. -(WHISTLES)

And you. I like the redemption angle here.

If you can get this team to make

the National Snorkeling Invitational,

I’ll give you a spot on our coaching staff

-at the new facility. -♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

The Schnorkelplex. Big City, USA.

Just don’t Joan it up this time.

I won’t let you down again, Mister Snorkelle!

-All right, then. -(SCREAMS)

-I’m off to look at more kids... -(GROANS)

-...in swimsuits. -(JFK GROANING)

Uh, for scouting purposes, of course.

-(TOWEL WHIPPING) -(JFK SCREAMING)

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Okay, squad!

Now, that our snorkeling team is good,

we’ve got a better shot at making it

out of this disgusting town.

We need to play to our big strength, spelling.

No, Betsy Ross! No! That’s wrong.

Listen, squad. We have to get this right.

We can’t have another Cheermageddon!

So, Cheermageddon’s pretty bad, huh?

It’s only, like, my biggest fear in the world

other than jack-in-the-boxes. The toy and the restaurant.

Everyone expects me to get recruited

by Big City College University and if I don’t get in...

Hey, why am I telling you any of this?

We’re not friends anymore. (SCOFFS)

I know, we’re just cheerleaders on the same team.

Exactly. You know,

this isn’t easy for me to say, obviously,

but, um, you were okay out there today. (SIGHS)

-I was? -Let’s just say you weren’t

a total flaming garbage dump and leave it at that.

-Professional compliment over! -(GASPS)

TOPHER: Psst! Nice work.

Making them think you’re actually enjoying

doing those dumb cheers with those stupid idiots.

Yeah. It really seemed like I was having fun hanging out

with my old pal, right?

TOPHER: Now, that Harriet trusts you,

we can put our super complicated plan in place.

IVAN THE TERRIBLE: When they spell out “Clone High,”

you’ll switch out the letters so it spells out, “Bone High.”

TOPHER: (CHUCKLES) Isn’t that so funny?

"Bone" instead of "clone."

It’s like, wha... (CHUCKLES)

It’s gonna be a full on Cheermageddon!

-(BLEACHER CREATURES LAUGH) -Yeah. (FAKE LAUGHS) Right.

-(CROWD CHEERS) -SACAGAWEA: Well, snorkel fans,

Clone High’s hot streak continues.

If they keep this up, we could be heading for Big City, USA.

Throw me an energy bar, Coach.

Not a chance in hell.

We’ve got another match in 15 minutes.

Eating now could end your entire snorkeling career.

-Why do you say that? -Don’t you get it?

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Cramps!

Yikes.

If we’re going to make nationals,

you still got a lot to learn.

And I’ve got a lot to teach.

(CHOMPS) Oh, God. Yuck. Goddamn it.

(GAGS) I did you a favor.

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(FRIDA PANTS, GRUNTS)

(GUNSHOT)

(GUNSHOT)

(BLOWS)

(LAUGHS)

(KISSES)

(LAUGHS) Whoo!

-(GRUNTS) -Yes!

Yes!

♪ (SURFER ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GROUP: (CHANTING) Frida! Frida! Frida! Frida! Frida!

Free pinto bean budinos for the winners.

GROUP: Whoo!

Listen up.

If we win next Friday, we’ll earn a spot

in the National Snorkeling Invitational in Big City, USA,

and I can finally leave this town for good.

Frida, keep up the good work.

The rest of you, don’t Joan this out.

-Uh, it’s “Joan this up.” -Never correct me! (GRUMBLES)

Wait, I thought you were going to that art expo next Friday?

You know, I never heard back about the stuff I submitted.

But it doesn’t matter.

I need that snorkeling money so I can buy you pricy things.

Which reminds me, how do you like this

dining room set by Broyhill?

-(APPLAUSE) -(CROWD GASPING)

Oh, my God, yes! Give it to me.

(CHUCKLES) A lot better than those worthless paintings

I used to give you, huh?

I mean, I wanna say no, but, like, I physically can’t.

(LAUGHS) You know what I’m saying?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

(SIGHS) Listen, Frida.

You need to do what makes you happy.

-That’s sweet, babe. -Well, I mean it.

And if spoiling me rotten makes you happy,

I’m just gonna have to respect that.

It does make me happy. And to be honest,

I don’t think about painting at all anymore.

♪ (SOFT GUITAR DRAMATIC FLOURISH) ♪

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I can’t believe it, but we’re one win away

from the National Invitational.

We’re gonna have to be absolutely flawless today.

Right.

-Thanks, Gertrude. -(GRUMBLES)

Wait, Gertrude Stein?

Yeah. After Cheermageddon, she just lost it.

We let her help out around here. Keeps her off the streets.

But the fact that it takes only one mistake to end up that way,

it’s terrifying, you know?

-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Yeah.

I’ve never said that out loud to anyone before.

But I gotta admit, talking about it with you, uh,

actually makes me feel less afraid.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Aw, well that’s nice.

And I can’t believe I’m saying this,

but I might actually be in the process of forgiving you.

Maybe a person can get over a betrayal.

They can?

But could they get over two betrayals?

You know, hypothetically?

No way, girl! One betrayal max.

But luckily, that’s all we’re dealing with.

Welp, off to stretch before the big match.

(CHUCKLES) Two betrayals. Good one, Joan!

-(JOAN OF ARC GROANS SOFTLY) -♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Girl’s locker room, Topher. -TOPHER: Right, right, sorry.

-♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Today’s the day, Cinnamon. Redemption is in the air.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

-Ah, undoubtedly a well-wisher. -(GLASS SHATTERING)

Clone High High School,

Principal Cinnamon J. Scudworth speaking.

What? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. No, no, no. A thousand times no.

She’s on her way to the National Snorkeling Invitational.

She doesn’t want any part of your art expo.

This is a classic “talk to the hand” situation.

Unsubscribe.

-FRIDA: Hey, Scudworth. -(SCREAMS)

Did you ever hear from that art expo I entered?

They were supposed to call here

because it’s weird for grown-ups to call high school kids.

It is weird for grown-ups to call high school kids.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I never heard a thing from that contest!

-(TELEPHONE RINGING) -(RECEIVER CLATTERING)

Oh, okay. Just wanted to check.

I-- I guess snorkeling really is my only option.

Now, you’re talking! See you out there, superstar!

-(WHEELS SQUEAKING) -♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Don’t look at me like that. Turn around.

I can still see your eyes!

Keep turning! Oh, you are just like my mother!

(CROWD CHEERING)

CHEERLEADERS: Sports! Sports! Sports! Sports!

Sports! Sports! Sports! Sports!

There you are! What took you so long?

I was kinda nervous, so I went and painted some stuff

to calm me down.

This is the last painting I’ll ever do

since I’m obviously very bad at it.

-That you are! -(PAINTING CLATTERING)

Now get changed. It’s winning time.

Hey, Scudworth, just want to say good luck tonight.

Hope we don't "cramp" your style.

(GROUP LAUGHS)

-'Cause you got a cramp. -I know that, Abe!

-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(TOILET RATTLING)

(GRUNTS) Here you go!

Are you sure we wanna do this?

Don’t you get it? Harriet’s not your friend, Joan.

She’s just strong-arming you into using your strong arms.

You think she’s gonna be your friend

when the season is over? She ain’t.

But you know who is? We, the Bleacher Creatures.

-The outcasts of society! -The pariahs of the school!

Also, can you Venmo me your dues for this month?

Bleacher Creatures forever!

-(CROWD CHEERING) -Folks, it’s the moment

we’ve all been waiting for.

-(CROWD CHEERS) -♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Snorkelers, secure your goggles!

(AIR HORN BLARES)

Go, Frida! Point!

Go, babe! Mama needs a cashmere pashmina!

Look over there! Look! Point! Look! Point!

See. The. Fish. Point at that one!

Point with your whole body! Use the snorkel!

Circle breathing, circle breathing!

Don't miss the grouper!

-There's another one! -Hey, I think this is yours.

No, I don’t want it. Get outta the way. I’m coaching.

Excuse me, Frida gave this to you as a gift.

And it clearly meant a lot to her

if she went to the trouble of painting it for you,

and you’re gonna take it!

Ugh! Fine, I’ll take the stupid--

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(GASPS) But this isn’t stupid.

It’s exquisite.

What have I done?

(CONTINUOUS DINGING)

♪ (INSPIRING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(CROWD GASPING) -(COUGHS, GROANS)

Frida, are you okay? What’s going on?

She got accepted to the art expo.

That’s where she belongs.

No way. Congrats, babe!

But the contest is starting now! I’ll never make it in time!

Oh, yes, you will. This may be a one-horse town,

but sometimes... (WHISTLES)

-(HORSE NEIGHS) -(CROWD GASPING)

...one horse is all you need.

Scudworth! Get Frida back in that pool,

or I will personally guarantee

that you never get outta this town!

This isn’t about me. It’s about Frida.

And Frida is an artist.

So, with all due respect, Schneider Snorkelle

-you can schuck it! -Yeah, schuck off!

-All right! -Let’s go, babe!

-Hi-ya! -(HORSE NEIGHS)

-(CROWD CHEERING) -♪ (INSPIRING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

BYSTANDER: (SCREAMING) Watch out for that horse!

(CAR CRASHING)

-(SOLDIER SCREAMING) -(HELICOPTER THRUMMING)

-(SOLDIER SCREAMING) -(EXPLOSIONS)

-(FIRE TRUCK BLARING) -(DOLPHIN SQUEAKING)

Ooh. I hope everyone’s okay.

Hey, since Cleo left

and she’s the top of the pyramid,

we should probably just call it, huh?

No way! A scout from Big City College University is here!

We’ll have to make some adjustments.

I’ll move to top left

and have Abigail shift to Cleo’s spot.

Uh, wait, so you’ll be holding...

The all-important first letter. But as long as you’re the base,

I know we can do it.

-♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(BLEACHER CREATURES LAUGH)

(CROWD CHEERS)

(CHANTING) Let’s hear you scream for our snorkel team!

(CHEERLEADERS CHEERING)

-(GRUNTS) -♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GERTRUDE STEIN: I used to be somebody.

Gertrude Stein?

No! I spelled a dirty word. Now, I’m Dirty Gerty!

(CACKLES, SCREECHES)

I made a nest out of pom-poms! (CACKLES)

Harriet! Don’t! You can’t put up that letter!

What? Why?

If you don’t want to end up like Dirty Gerty,

you gotta trust me.

Ready, team? Three, two, one!

(CROWD CHEERING)

-One high! -As in, we’re all one!

No matter what our differences,

-we’re still One High! -(LAUGHS) Ah!

(SIGHS)

TOPHER: “One High”? What happened to “Bone High”?

One High is like implying all of us are high...

on marijuana pot! That’s a sick burn.

Violence was chosen today. Hurrah! One High!

-What just happened? -(GRUNTS)

Who did this?

-Harriet, I’m a jerk. -♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I was mad at you, so I was going to betray you...

Again. But I couldn’t go through with it

and not just because I have terrible follow through.

I understand if you go right back to hating me again.

Wait! The important thing is, you told me.

And to be honest,

I really do wanna be friends again.

-(GASPS) Really? -(SHUSHES) In secret.

You’re still a social outcast, remember?

I would be honored to be your friend

that you’re too embarrassed to admit you’re friends with

to your other friends.

Well, I guess, I’ll see you around...

(WHISPERING) ...friend.

(CHANTING) We tried! Yeah, yeah, we tried!

ABE LINCOLN: What’d we do?

(CHANTING) Yeah, we tried! Yeah, yeah, we tried!

So hard.

Why don’t you go hit the showers, fellas?

(JFK HUMMING)

-(TOWEL WHIPPING) -(JFK YELPS)

(SIGHS) Looks like it didn’t go our way.

It was a blood bath. But what about you?

How was the art expo?

They gave me this. I wanted to turn it down

'cause giving awards for art is kinda stupid.

But I thought it would look good on a special someone.

Me? What?

I know that wasn’t easy, what you did for me today.

But I really appreciate it, Coach Scuddy Buddy.

She said the nickname I assigned myself.

♪ (UPLIFTING MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪