Original subtitles

Oh, you're watching him making a supervillain? Finished the whole thing

last night. Well, do not tell me how it is, but I think he's innocent.

Seriously? His name is Dr. Psycho.

Yeah, but his original name was Psycho Wits. They forced him to change it at

Ellis Island.

The real villain is the criminal justice system.

Oh, girl.

Idiots. Okay, he tied Wonder Woman to a rocket ship. Oh, the DA said he tied her

to a rocket ship, but if that's the case... Where's the rope, Daddy? Where's

the rope, Dad? Find it. Prove it. Oh, I've seen this program.

I can't believe they found him innocent.

Dorothy!

You bitch!

Well, I'm glad that you're all excited about the corporate retreat. A special

shout out to the legal department who just settled the lawsuit from last

year's retreat.

I'm looking at you, Wendy. Miss Blackout and Get Naked.

That is not the order it happened in.

No, it was not.

I hope everyone used my checklist of what to bring.

I did. Oh, crap.

I forgot my positive attitude.

Lucky for you, I brought plenty for everybody.

Anyways, I made sure the retreat will have all of your favorite things.

Parasailing, rum tasting, sitting by the pool and judging people.

That's when they're at their most vulnerable.

And a little something for everybody, karaoke.

Karaoke? More like carry-noki.

matching t-shirts with personalized catchphrases i made for everybody i

don't have a catchphrase oh she's good so let's go everyone on the buses

everyone except for my group we have to wait for dorothy no why would you put

dorothy in our group okay you know she's not gonna be an ass in the tug of war

i'll tell you that right now my job is to look out for everybody oh uh dorothy

can ride in my chopper i mean she's so old maybe i'll just drop her off in

heaven

Okay, the V-Man is on fire!

It just came to me. All right, but seriously, she can't ride my chopper.

Jackie, can you come in here, please?

You wanted something?

No.

But an overweight man in Ohio wants that shirt back.

It's from Talbots.

Hey, yeah!

Are they feeding you jokes via an earpiece?

No. No?

All right, fine.

The corporate retreat is my only opportunity to get FaceTime with the big

dogs. Gabe and Noah over here wrote for the Harvard Lampoon, and they were

executive story editors on the sweet life of Zack and Cody.

What a great use of a Harvard education.

We can't all go to Bad Life Choices University.

That's right, I said it. I mean, they said it, but they're like...

dreams are still you i know i'm exhausted that's why i need this retreat

so bad i'm just gonna get there chill out and make sure wendy sleeps on her

side why do you do so much for these people they're like children oh they're

not so bad 189 200 emily we're out of post

-its okay maybe they are a little like children all the more reason why i need

to be the one who keeps the train running Even though the Emily butt needs

her batteries recharged, I'm going to let that go because you're tired.

Emily, when are we leaving? I want to be a-floating on the lazy river.

And I have to pee, but I'm holding you for the lazy river.

Lazy rivers are corny. I'm going to an artisanal honey tape thing hosted by Ira

Glass. Oh, I'm your friend, and even I want to beat you up right now.

Guys, we're a team. We have to wait for Dorothy, even though she's super late.

Don't want to have to give away her T-shirt.

She does say that a lot. Trust me, no one needs to get out of this office more

than me. We just have to wait a few more... Which alarm is that?

Zombie violence?

Alien invasion.

Giant spider robots from another dimension where the Nazis won?

No, that one goes... It's a gas attack.

and documentary star Dr. Psycho has just released an unknown toxic gas into Charm

City. The mayor urged citizens to stay indoors as his limousine pulled away.

Scientists estimate that it will take at least 12 hours for the gas to disperse.

Who would have thought someone named Dr. Psycho would be capable of something

like this?

All right, everyone.

Dr.

Psycho. He went to medical school. We should get on the bus.

It says that if the gas reaches critical levels, the whole building will go into

lock... Emergency lockdown procedure initiated.

Stay calm.

I'll take unknown gas attacks for 500, Alex.

I

can't believe

they think it's going to take 12 hours for the gas to disperse. That's what

they said when Jackie ate that vending machine burrito.

In your face!

I can't believe this is happening.

I needed this retreat so bad.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, Emily, this is all your fault. If you

didn't make us wait for Dorothy, we'd be on a bus to Coast City right now asking

Wendy to stop drawing penises on people's faces.

Then stop falling asleep.

Oh, my God, Dorothy.

Hey, what if she's stuck out there in the gas?

Well, actually, she's already at the retreat.

No.

Okay, this is officially the worst retreat ever. Guys, I'm in charge. Don't

freak out, okay? Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Oh, my God. My chopper can't make it because of the gas.

We're all going to be stuck in here together. I'm freaking out.

I can't believe this is happening.

Okay, hold on. Hold on. I can fix this.

Now, there is no reason we can't have fun and bond here. You know, I've got my

karaoke machine and... No!

So that's a maybe on the karaoke.

But give me 20 minutes, and I will throw something together you guys will love.

I'd rather take my chances with the gas. I think we'd all rather you did that.

Jackie,

could you get that microphone I just dropped?

All right.

I didn't have a ton of time, and these are my backup decorations, so go easy on

me.

Who wants a flaming volcano?

Yep. I guarantee you'll lava them.

If you want, I can get my guys to punch that up for you.

And to pass the time, I have a bunch of fun games. It'll be just like Ruther or

Tree. Is this kayaking? Well, no.

Pair of sailing?

No. Wakeboarding? No, and before anyone asks another one, we are trapped in the

office. The limitations of which you are very familiar.

What, what, rafting? Shut up, Teddy.

I'll tell you what we do have.

Kelly Clarkson's greatest hits on karaoke.

No! Okay, back in the maybe pile.

You know, this might be the four volcanoes talking, but I don't totally

hate this.

Yeah, I don't hate this either. I do hate this, but not as much as I thought

I would. I'm being told this is a bad joke area.

Anyway, I am also not having a hellish time.

Guys, I think we owe somebody a big thank you.

To alcohol!

To alcohol!

Well, who wants to play a game of Desert Island Companion? Hmm.

Is that where you pick someone to go in a closet with you for seven minutes to

suck face?

Because I choose Van.

Let's go.

No, no, no.

We have no confirmation that that is the game.

That's not the game. That is not the game, Wendy. That is not the game. You

pick one person you'd want to be paired with if you were stranded on a deserted

island. It's a team-building game.

Jackie, who would you pick?

I'd go by myself.

Okay. Let's say if you went by yourself, you would starve to death.

That's fine.

Oh. I'd pick Bam because he's rich and people would probably look for him.

Also, I can tell by his brittle nails that he has an iron deficiency.

So by day 10, I'd be able to overpower him.

And then I'd eat him piece by piece while he was still alive so that the

meat doesn't spoil and I could survive long enough to be rescued.

Teddy, you're up. Well, team building is super lame, but obviously if I had to

pick somebody, I would pick my boy, Ron, because he's my boy.

Aw. Ron, what about you?

Oh, I know. I'd pick... Go ahead.

Um... Go ahead.

Jackie.

Awkward!

How are you not picking me?

It's just that Jackie's smart and practical, and plus she's a mom, so you

know she keeps snacks in her purse.

Yeah, but we're best friends. If we were doing practical, I would have picked

Emily. Aw.

But I don't want to spend time with Emily. I want to hang out with my bro.

Fine. Look, if you must know, it's just that nothing's ever good enough for you.

And if you're on a desert island, you must remain positive. There's a reason

why Tom Hanks put a smiley face on that volleyball.

Oh, come on. At best, that volleyball looked non-plus.

He was bewildered. Well, I wouldn't bring Teddy because he's too frail to

catch or be food.

Well, I would never bring you, Wendy. And by the way, I have been blasting my

quads lately, and they are a healthy dose of lean protein. Jackie, feel my

thigh. No. Feel the thigh. No. I told you, I don't want to eat any of you

idiots. I just want to die alone.

Well, luckily for you, that is definitely going to happen.

Don't finish that sentence if you want to live.

Okay, guys, I think we're missing the point of the game. You're supposed to

say something positive.

Well, I'm positive that Teddy couldn't spear a fish to save his life.

The hell I can't. I bet you 50 bucks you can't throw this tiki torch hard enough

to knock over that trash can. Again, not the game. You're on.

Yes! I'll blow it in on his ass. Yes, yes.

All right, give me some room. Give me some room. Give me some room. All right,

all right, all right.

So that happened.

Gas freeze.

Follow me!

Gas freeze.

Gas freeze.

Gas freeze.

Good thinking, Wendy.

Okay, we should all get the gas masks.

Oh, they're out there.

What? Where?

Then why'd you bring us in here, then?

Because it has everything we need. A particle accelerator, a quantum field

synthesizer, and a bucket where we can go to the bathroom.

But there's no food or water.

Well, there's that karaoke machine you love so much.

Oh, good.

Oh, it's broken.

No, it's right... I changed my mind. I'm picking Teddy for that desert island

thing. Oh, look at that. Maybe Jackie's my boy. How dare you, traitor.

Okay, okay. We are all a little stressed.

Now, if we can get the gas masks, we can get some... pies, and somewhere safe,

and... Who went in the bucket?

You gave me four volcanoes. I'm only a man.

All right.

It's not a big deal.

One of us will go get the hazmat suit, grab the gas masks, and come back.

Where are the hazmat suits?

Well, you planned a costume party the first night of the retreat, so Dorothy

and Randy went as Walter White and Jesse Pinkman.

Can we focus? We just need someone to hold their breath and go out there and

get the mask.

We don't know what that gas will do to my skin or my white linen suit.

Well, I shouldn't go.

I'm a bit of a wild card. You can't trust what I'll do out there.

Yeah, and we've already established that I'm totally useless in a survival

situation, so... Okay, well, that's fine, because I am perfectly happy

staying here and dying alone.

Check, please.

So that happened.

Wait, I already said, so that happened.

Noah's more of the joke guy. I write the heart moment.

Anyway, he got stuck out in the gap. The joke guy's dead?

Oh, well, well, well.

Looks like the joke fan's running on empty.

Brett Rowe.

Damn it.

Brett Rowe?

Guy? Where's Emily?

I just need a helmet.

Oh.

This isn't the bathroom bucket, is it?

No, it's another bucket.

Good save.

How do I get these masks down?

Hold on. Teddy's checking the manual.

Okay, this manual is a mess. Who wrote this abomination?

John Grisham? Not even John Grisham is saved from your wrath now? This is why

you're not on my desert island. You know what? I wouldn't want to be on an island

with you, the pelican brief, and your phony positive attitude.

Guys, can you stop bickering for one second and focus? I'm running out of

oxygen. And I'm pretty sure this is the bathroom bucket.

It is.

Over.

You guys are useless.

Because he lets me live in his mother's basement. Her sandwiches are delicious.

Emily, Emily, okay, whatever you do, don't... Breathe in.

Emily, honey?

Are you okay, sweetie?

Am I okay?

How nice of you to ask.

Oh, she's fine, guys.

Because in all the time I've worked here, not one of these selfish bastards

have expressed any interest in how I feel.

I am like the mother bird who vomits into your mouths to keep you alive. And

what do I give back?

Bitching, whining, moaning, when all I wanted was to sing a little karaoke and

to wear cute and thoughtful magic t-shirts. Well, if you're too cool to

match, then you're too cool for matching gas masks.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I'd like to recant my earlier assessment.

I feel like it's some kind of anger gap.

Hey, Van.

I have a question for you.

Do you wipe your own ass?

Because I've never seen you do anything by yourself.

You know, I hope Wendy does eat you. Because then at least you'd serve some

purpose, you entitled, iron-deficient son of a bitch.

For the record, I do wipe myself.

I have since I was a little over 30.

You found her.

Star Labs has confirmed the mysterious fog is truth gas.

Well, that's not so bad.

Exposure to the gas for more than two hours will, however, cause the nervous

system to shut down, resulting in death.

Now for some sports scores. From that lying piece of crap who will never leave

his wife, Rock Donovan.

You guys probably didn't hear this, but Emily said if she died, I'd get all her

stuff.

Emily, honey?

Okay, you got to come in here. The gas is going to kill you. You know what's

killing me? That none of you ever say thank you.

You know, you complained about how every retreat sucked, so I busted my ass to

find one with a tisinal honey tasting.

You know, coughing all over other people's face does not mean you have any

teddy. Your tracksuits make you look like Daft Punk without the helmet.

Her mind is gone. I mean, she's talking nonsense. Right, Jackie? Emily is not

coming in.

Someone's going to have to go save her.

Normally that'd be Emily.

So are you going to do it? I came up with the idea, so I've done my part. And

I also have a good reason.

Damn it.

You guys don't want to be adults about this? Maybe duck, duck, goose?

All right.

Okay.

Now if you get into any trouble, two tugs and we'll pull you out.

Lure her in with this cherry Danish.

Would you like a cherry date?

We'll be back in days.

You got it. You got it.

I'm help, but...

Bucket's gone, and Emily's about to die. We need to fix one of these things.

You know, I'm not usually one for making speeches, but... Do you remember what it

was like before Emily came here?

We were all just a bunch of strangers working in the same office.

But then a funny thing happened.

A lady named Emily arrived. She taught us how to love. She taught us how to

care. By taking care of all of us. Is he doing an accent?

Yeah. But she made us a family, and family means doing.

Even if you're doing something you might not want to do, but doing it, we're

going to do.

And not just for us, for Emily!

That was beautiful.

And look at the instrument I had to play.

Guys, Van slash Gabe is right.

I think we know the sacrifice we need to make to get Emily back in here.

Oh.

Here's the thing, we started out great.

It was cool, but it was all pretend.

Yeah, yeah.

Since you've been gone.

You dedicated, you took the time.

It wasn't long till I called you mine.

So you really don't remember anything?

No. It's a complete blank.

So, even though we never made it to Coast City, you guys really think it was

the best retreat you've ever had?

Oh, for sure.

And it was all thanks to you, Emily.

Thanks, Emily.

Well, guys, come on. You don't need to thank me.

Sure.

You know, we appreciate how much you do for us, but, like, you don't have to.

You're family.

We love you no matter what.

Plus, we hate for you to go all psycho on us.

Ha,

that's funny.