Original subtitles

Are you guys ready for lunch?

Guys, it's 80 degrees outside.

First day of cold season, newbie.

It's when all the icy supervillains start fighting and freezing stuff.

I wonder who's coming to Charm City this year.

Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold.

Frostbite, Killer Frost.

Minister Blizzard.

No Patrol, wait, that's a band, but they're coming to town.

I'm not scared of a few flurries, okay? I am from the Midwest.

I know what real cold is.

We were saying.

Well, that's real cool.

This isn't impossible to dress for. It's like a wedding on the beach.

Linen and no socks. Not complicated.

You should get a pair of Teddy's gloves.

Oh.

These?

Designed to myself.

They heat my hands to the perfect temperature.

They can also defrost your car door or reheat your coffee.

That was a soda. Yeah.

Anyways, I have some very exciting news.

Is it actually exciting or is it Emily exciting?

What the hell is Emily exciting?

Finding a conflict-free brand of hummus.

Having another shopper at Anthropologie ask if you work there. Getting retweeted

by Lena Dunham. She didn't just retweet me. She quoted my tweet and wrote so

much this.

Anyways, you guys will like this.

Wayne Industries is holding a contest that awards $100,000 to the employee who

comes up with an invention that, quote, embodies the triumph of the human

spirit. Whoa. That is the exact review I wrote for my barber.

I mean, this doesn't just happen, guys. Oh, I know. I'm sorry. You losers

talking about entering the Wayne Innovation Contest?

Excuse me, who are you?

Zane and Anton, two Waynex app hats.

Well, they think they're so cool because they work in a super elite division that

makes cutting-edge technology that shapes our future.

That actually does sound pretty cool. It is. And they get free soda. We do.

But why wouldn't we enter the Wayne Innovation Contest? Because no one gives

a crap about Wayne Security R&D. You make widgets. You're nobodies.

Yeah.

Artificial matters. We are not nobodies.

FYI, guys, corporate gave away your parking spot, so starting next week,

you're going to have to park across the street under the bridge that leaks tar.

Oh.

This child-sized car arrived for you. Were you expecting a full-sized one, or

is it because your father didn't hug you? My Bugatti is because my father

didn't hug me. This is for an actual child.

But you hate those.

I know, but I'm going away with Chelsea this weekend, and she's insisting on

bringing her son.

Isn't no kids in the agreement that you make women sign before you date them?

No, the agreement states that we can't make any kids.

But it doesn't account for any pre-existing conditions.

It's broken into hundreds of pieces.

There's a ransom note.

Those are instructions.

It's in pieces because you have to put it together.

I can't do this.

No, Jackie, I'm going to need you too.

Poor girl's still got some moves.

I don't know about you guys, but hearing those Wayne ex-punks tell us we're

nobody's got me really excited for this contest.

Oh, it had the opposite effect on me. I am very demoralized.

Well, Patty, what about you?

Oh, they weren't referring to me. I think it was more like Steve, Susan,

Wendy. Wendy's right there.

That's cool. I mean, I don't not suck.

See? What about your heat gloves? They're amazing. Enter those and we

could win this. I mean, my heat gloves would kill it by show, but I got a lot

on my plate, so. Oh, sure.

I get it.

You know, I built you up too much in my head. I did the same thing with the

Hobbit movies.

I am not the Hobbit movies.

Sounds like something a Hobbit movie would say.

I can't argue with that logic. I'm in. Yeah, suck it, Wayne X. I am re

-moralized.

Probably need to make a few tweaks.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

He has the look.

I'm going to blow up your day by making you do some annoying personal task look.

Hey, guys.

I was wondering. Diarrhea. There he is.

Ron John Silvers.

Ronathan Taylor Thomas.

Linda Ronstadt. If you have to do that, I'd prefer Ronda Rousey. I have a treat

for you. I need you to build this car.

But I was going to go sledding for cold season.

You know I love winter.

The thrill of sledding, that is fleeting.

But the joy of obeying a direct order from your superior, that lasts forever.

You're the man, Rhonda. But, I mean...

Okay, this is prototype number three,

test number two. My assistant, Emily, will attempt to melt the frost off this

car door handle.

These cold mornings are the worst.

Unless...

Now I can make it to my grandparents' 50th anniversary.

I can do without the backstory.

Sorry, I'm taking an improv class.

Okay, so we've mastered low temperatures.

Now, let's heat things up.

Holy crap!

Teddy, these are a game changer!

The judges are going to see your gloves and say Wayne's security is just as

relevant as Wayne X, and the guy who made this is most definitely not a

nobody.

Of course I'm not a nobody, but you know judges. They're unpredictable, and if

they were dumb and they didn't pick mine, I mean, I'm still obviously

immensely talented and... Oh, my God.

There's still kernels left in the bag.

So what?

There's always kernels left in the bag. Okay, the gloves aren't ready. There's

not an even distribution of heat, and we haven't even checked to see if you get a

rash. They are ready. They're not. And I can't submit a product that's not ready.

It's not fair to the gloves.

But two minutes ago, you just... There's kernels in the bag, Emily. There's

kernels in the bag.

Kernels in the bag!

What's up, really hot loser?

You guys get your submission in?

Oh, we've got something.

It is just so ahead of its time, we're going to hold off submitting it until

next year. Admit it.

You're a nobody.

You work with nobodies, and the best you could hope for is to marry one of us.

You know what, Zane? You're going to regret saying that because you just

convinced us to submit, and we're going to win.

It's classic.

Zane and Emily will they, won't they?

Why do you look smugger than usual, which is already so incredibly smug?

Well, because this division is going to win the Wayne Innovation Prize.

I submitted Teddy's gloves.

Please tell me you didn't. Why not?

Let me tell you a little story.

Five years ago, Teddy entered a competition to redesign the Wayne

Industries logo.

Why are you using a nominous voice? You'll see.

He threw himself into the competition and convinced himself that he was going

to win. And then when he didn't, he lashed out at everyone.

and started punishing himself.

Oh, come on. He took to wearing cargo shorts, switched to an AOL email

address, and used all of his vacation days to go to Tampa.

Tampa? That's not even the nicest part of Central Florida.

Anyway, it doesn't matter because we're going to win.

You better hope so, otherwise you're about to break Teddy.

Tampa. Stop using that voice.

I thought your gloves were brilliant.

And I entered them into the contest.

I told you they weren't ready and you went behind my back.

Teddy. Don't teddy me. This is the ultimate betrayal.

This is worse than the time that Wendy bought the same glasses as me. That was

awful. Hold on.

How would you feel if I told you you're in the finals?

I'm in the finals?

You betcha, sweet ass.

I mean, I didn't even know there were finals.

I mean, obviously they're dope gloves. I just didn't know how dope. Apparently

the answer was the dopest.

Emily, thank you for making me realize I'm a winner.

Or a finalist.

There are no finals.

You just made that up. I didn't know what to do. I could see it in his eyes.

He was already halfway to Tampa.

It'll all be fine, right?

Mom? Dad?

Yeah? I got huge news.

No, not a girlfriend, but you're still going to be proud of me.

I have a feeling this is all going to end with a call from the Bush Gardens

coroner's office.

Oh, it's going to be cold.

Ron! Van?

I thought you were on vacation with your girlfriend and her son. We have a

problem. Evidently, Dylan, that's a girl's name, and she does not like the

car you built.

I have sent you a toy Wonder Woman jet. I need you to put that together and have

it couriered to me. Isn't her jet invisible?

Yes. Assembly is going to be a bitch.

Ron, you have to set boundaries and not let people take advantage of you. Do you

think I would have stopped having sex in Susan's car if she hadn't started hiding

her keys?

You still have sex in Susan's car.

The point is, he is not going to stop taking advantage of you unless you push

back. And if you don't push back now, one day... you're going to explode.

I appreciate your concern, but I'm a big boy, and I know what I'm being taken

advantage of.

Fine.

Hey, can I have your car keys?

Oh, sure.

Hey, loser, you want to go out with me? No. Why would you think that?

Because I've been nagging you hard.

All of Reddit said this would work. What are you doing down here?

We won the Wayne Innovation Prize, so we're here to galote.

What?

She's not that hot.

She is. Yes, she is.

Ron, where's Teddy?

He called and said.

Oh, no.

He must be devastated.

Wait, no, no, no, no.

Oh, thank God you're here. For a second I thought you might have already caught

a flight to Tampa.

I have a meeting to check out Busch Gardens.

What are you doing here? I know it must really hurt that you didn't win the

Wayne Innovation Contest, but I just want you to know... I didn't win?

You didn't know?

Teddy, who's this?

Oh, you have guests.

Hello, I'm Teddy's father, Sunil. This is his mother, Nisha, and his brother,

AJ.

Are you here for AJ's going-away dinner?

She's not.

Where's he going?

Outer space.

I thought you said your brother was a doctor.

He's an astronaut and a doctor? The technical term is space doctor.

What were you saying about Teddy and that contest?

Did he win?

Well, you know, winning is really just a social... I lost, and I'm so glad that

we're all here for this moment when I found out. Teddy, do you mind keeping it

down? I gotta take this. This is my apartment, all right? Your dumb friends

can wait.

Mr. President.

Yes, thank you. Thank you, sir.

Hey.

Hey.

So, I just want to say I am really sorry.

Don't be. It's totally fine.

It is?

Emily, I'm a grown man, all right? Stupid contest. I'll get them next year.

In that case, we could use your help on a redesign.

I would love to take a look at it. That is a great attitude, Teddy. You seem

fine, and I did nothing wrong.

So, as you can see, the packaging of this beer gas detector needs a little

work. Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Okay.

I have a great idea.

What if instead of using molded plastic, we use... Oh.

This hamburger wrapper.

Oh, like a very thin, recyclable material?

No, no, no, no. I mean this literal piece of ketchup-stained garbage.

Because obviously, Wayne Industries doesn't appreciate quality or

craftsmanship or aesthetics whatsoever.

So a garbage company gets a garbage wrapper.

I didn't want to say this in front of Teddy, but I don't think the wrapper's a

good idea.

That's right, Mrs. Sled. You and I have a date with a big old hill by City Hall.

You said it, Ron.

Nothing's going to ruin our fun today.

I love you.

Don't do it, Ron.

The Sled's right.

Nothing good can come from answering that call.

Oh, you two are just overreacting. He's probably just calling to say thank you.

Thank you so much for your hard work.

You're welcome, Van.

Rhonda, I need you to build four more of those girls yet you can't see.

Evidently, Dylan has a squad and they have goals, one of which is posting

pictures to Instagram with the hashtag, Bitch, You Can't Afford This.

And then they do this snap emoji.

I'm really coming around on these kids.

Yeah, but I was just about to go flat in this adorable outfit.

Well, you...

No. I'm getting bad reception. It sounded like you said no.

I did say no, because that's not my job.

Ron, either is giving Dylan braids, but this morning, I did it. You ruined it.

That is the perfect fishtail.

And you know it.

Listen, Ron, just built the planes.

Snap, snap, snap, emojis.

No, you listen.

How about no, because I don't want to do it. In fact, I don't want to do any of

this. the stupid crap you asked me to do. Not for you, not for Dylan, and

certainly not for her squad.

It is possible I'm bothered by people

taking advantage of me.

No.

How long is he going to be like this?

Well, last time he requested no eye contact for eight months, but it was a

good year and a half before he stopped listening to speed metal. This is

ridiculous.

Teddy, your gloves are great. You should be really proud, but you need to accept

the fact that they didn't win and move on.

No, my gloves were a masterpiece. I should have won.

It was rigged.

You don't have to do this, but there's something you need to see.

Hello, Teddy.

This is the winner of the Wayne Innovation Prize.

This guy won.

There's no way somebody this good-looking could invent something

better than these.

No, he didn't invent something better than those. He is the invention.

Are you checking out our robot?

It's not that cool.

Would you like me to be cooler?

I hear the Strokes are playing a secret show tonight in Joaquin Phoenix's

backyard.

Oh, yeah, those mittens are super dope, too, bro.

See,

this is why I didn't want to submit. But you went behind my back, and you did it

anyway. I was doing it for you.

No, you did it for you.

You didn't like that you were in charge of a division of nobodies.

Well, maybe we wouldn't be a division of nobodies if we had less pouty babies and

more people like your brother.

Went too far. I already regret it.

Get out of here! Frostbite!

Wow.

Really puts things in perspective.

I can't even remember what we were talking about. Oh, you were saying that

you wished you hired my brother instead of me.

Was that today?

Yeah.

Oh, crap, the handle's frozen.

Teddy. What? Your gloves.

We can use them to unfreeze the handle.

Or unfreeze from some phosphorus.

Yeah, here we go.

I thought it's working.

Of course it's working. I said it's deep-fried turkey.

You know, you were right.

I entered the contest for me.

I'm sorry, Teddy.

I didn't bust my ass my whole life to hear those Wainwrights dicks tell me I'm

a nobody.

Try being reminded you're a nobody every single time you talk to your parents.

Oh, trust me. I know how hard it is to live in a sibling's shadow.

Oh, yeah? What does your sister do?

She's a dog walker.

I just know it's really hard for her sometimes.

You don't know... I know what it's like.

You're my space doctor brother, which makes me your dog-walking little sister.

And she's a great person who's capable of great things, just like you.

Right. I'm going to be here my whole life while my brother's performing open

-air surgery in zero gravity.

Well, we'll both be here.

And for what it's worth, I'm glad I'm here with you.

That was brutal.

Sorry, it must have been very cold.

No, I meant listening to that conversation.

The gloves are cool, though. Can I have those?

Yeah, I mean, you gonna use them to, like, fight crime and stuff?

No, I'm gonna use them to make popcorn.

Of course I'm gonna use them to fight crime, you dink.

Van, I want to apologize for my outburst. You embarrassed me in front of

Dylan and her squad.

I'm sorry, it's the...

I learned that I could say no and still be a nice person, because I also need to

be nice to myself.

I'm sorry, too.

I'm used to bossing servants around.

They're who raised me.

My father was always working. He was too busy to spend time with me or teach me

how to build things.

That's so sad.

Except for the cartoonish level of opulence.

Yeah, that was pretty cool.

The one thing I wanted my entire childhood...

It was a dream, really. It was to build a treehouse with my father.

He promised, but year after year, that dream was crushed.

Well, Van, we're gonna build you that treehouse. Oh, no. I cannot let you do

that. No, no, no. You just picked a tree, and it's yours. I'm gonna get

started on the blueprints. I'm gonna make your dreams come true.

Thank you, Ron!

Whatever your last name is.

Dylan! Hey!

I found somebody to build your stupid treehouse. Now, you make good on our

deal, and you let me and your mom have a little bit of grown-up time.

Yes, I'm talking about sex.

With her modern take on a classic apple pie.

This just in. Cold season is over.

Crimson Fox defeated several cold villains using what appears to be a pair

of super-heated gloves.

Hey, it's Teddy's gloves.

Looks like I brought Teddy back.

I am a genius!

Teddy, Ted!

It's going to be really easy to work with now.

That's funny.