Original subtitles

♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and Bertie and Bertie and Tuca ♪

♪ And Tuca and Bertie, Tuca and Bertie ♪

♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪

-♪ Tuca ♪ -♪ And Bertie. ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ ♪

Leaf-raking is such a stupid sport.

We could've spent this Sunday relaxing, but...

Today's a big deal. It's regionals.

It's all regionals. It's a very regional game.

Can I have some candy?

Check it out. They invented a new kind of candy

that looks and tastes exactly like carrot sticks.

Mmm.

♪ ♪

You sure you want to go, Tuca?

It's okay to still be mourning Figgy.

(gasps) Wait, Figgy died?

No. I just broke up with him.

Oh. So he's just dead to us?

Goodbye, potential friendship.

♪ ♪

Guys, it's not a big deal.

I haven't thought about Figgy in hours.

I've been way too busy doing a lot of un-Figgy things,

and I'm ready to rebound with lots of un-Figgy folks.

And maybe I'll scoop up a hot un-Figgy at this game.

Okay, everybody in. Hurry up.

We're running late to this ridiculous waste of time.

Hmm. Oh!

Here.

Ooh. Nice spatial reasoning.

-(tires screeching) -♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. ♪

(grunts)

-Whee! -(groans)

Here we are.

The only activity less exciting than watching paint dry.

Paint-watching is an entirely different sport.

My game is happening in there.

(cheering)

Meh.

-Oh, my God. Thomas Aukberg! -(camera shutter clicks)

(cheering)

ANNOUNCER MAN: Welcome to the Bird Town

Leaf-Raking Championships.

DAPPER DOG: Ah, the drama of the slatted broom.

Clearing away the colorful skein of autumn

to make way for the frosty rime of winter.

Today I'm joined by my new co-announcer Dapper Dog.

Enchanté. I love a good game of lawn harrowing.

Such a rustic and scrapy croquet.

Who will win the coveted golden rake?

Defending champions

the Bird Town West Hot Ciders

or the Bird Town East Autumn Warriors?

Mmm.

TUCA: (grunts) E'scusi. E'scusi.

Damn, Bertie, I hope this game's short,

'cause I want to get my rebound bang on,

and I'm surrounded by nuggos.

A nuggo is a uggo who's "not ugly" in a hot way.

Oh.

Give it up for our players.

-(cheering) -Tom Mackinaw.

Well, hello.

ANNOUNCER MAN: Tomathan McKinley.

Um, yes, please.

ANNOUNCER MAN: Tomuel McThomas.

Ew. Okay. Steep drop in quality.

Yo, coach, trade this dud.

Hmm.

They all look the same to me.

You've been in a relationship too long, Bertie.

Your senses have been dulled.

You must hone your palate by sniffing strangers' boxers.

(shudders)

And here he is, folks, heavyweight of the Hot Ciders.

-It's Tomcholas Tomanielson. -(cheering)

Oh, daddy!

-Hi, Daddy! -I saw him first.

That's him. That's my rebound.

PEARL: Why stop at just one?

Why not rebound with the entire team?

Hmm?

Many have tried, yet no one has gone the full mile.

But you, yes, you could be the one.

Come, you must meet the Elder Council of the Stadium.

A group of old people deciding what I should do with my body?

Sounds fresh and original. I'm in. Bye, y'all.

-I'm following this lady. -Well, have fun. Stay hydrated.

Ooh, look. There's Thomas.

No! Ow!

-Oof, that's got to hurt. -Ooh.

Haven't seen an injury like this since

Tom-tom-tom-tom-to...

...tom-tom-tom sat on his rake in '86.

Daddy, are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm oka... Oh!

Ow! It's way worse now. I made it so much worse.

I'm not okay.

-Oh, no. -Oh, good. Let's go home.

(squeaking)

This puts the Autumn Warriors in a tight spot for,

as we all know, a replacement player must be found

within 90 seconds, or the entire game is forfeited.

Drama.

Terry, you have to fill in for me!

If you've ever loved me, here,

please take my rake!

Damn it. This is also how he proposed to me. (sighs)

Bertie, can you watch Tulip?

Oh, oh, no, I don't know how to talk to children.

-Hello, how do you do? -What?

See? I've got zero natural ability with kids.

Oh, my God, what if I kill her? What if I kill your kid?

What if I... (gasps) do it on purpose?

(chuckles) It's okay.

We'll watch Tulip. If she dies, I'll take the heat.

Well, I don't have time

to second-guess this clearly terrible idea.

(kisses) Good luck.

ANNOUNCER MAN: And it looks like Thomas Aukberg

will have a replacement.

Standing in for him is his wife

-Terry! -(cheering)

Let's get this bullshit over with.

(whistle blows)

ANNOUNCER MAN: And straight out of the gate,

here's Tomanielson

demonstrating his signature one-handed technique.

(blower whirring)

(indistinct chatter)

(grunts)

Yes!

Hey, see your mama out there?

What do you think, is she gonna rake the most leaves?

-Yeah. -Hmm.

Child-friendly topics of conversation.

Hey. Wh-What-what's your favorite vehicle

used for municipal purposes?

You into garbage trucks or...?

-Hey, Bertie, you okay? -Are you supposed to do eye contact

or no eye contact with kids?

Just relax. Hey, Tulip, look what I can do. Uh...

(giggling)

Ooh.

(giggling)

Ooh. Ooh, let me try.

Tulip, look what I found in your ear.

How did that get there?

Is my head full of quarters?

How will my head survive in an increasingly cashless society?

Food. Bribe. Change of subject.

Tulip, look! Do you eat solids yet? What do you want?

-I-I'll get it for you. -Hot dogs.

Ice cream. Everything!

-Love it. No problem. -Yay!

Hey, maybe we should set some boundaries.

It's something I've learned to do with wealthy clients.

But I want Greek columns.

(shushing)

Hey, let's finish your gazebo first, okay, champ?

You can't spoil them, Bertie.

It starts with Greek columns. Then, before you know it,

they're asking for Tunisian columns.

-(munching) -Aw, man. Bertie.

Oh, come on. When I was her age, my parents were so checked out,

we never did anything fun together.

What if we indulge Tulip a little,

let her have a good time? It's just for a few hours.

(sighs) Okay. We can be fun adults.

Exactly. But we can't kill her.

This is her?

Yup. I'm Tuca.

I'm ready to have sexual intercourse

with a pile of rakesmen.

Oh, everyone who goes to a game thinks it's so easy

to bang an entire team of athletes.

But nobody's done it.

I got close years ago.

Now I can barely look at a hot dog wiener

without bursting into tears.

(sobbing)

I pray every day that people will order

the chicken tenders... but they never do.

(crying)

Well, I came in here

with hubristic notions and swinging hips.

Now I can't even slide a key into a lock

without remembering I'm a failure.

A jingling, jangling failure.

Oh, and I can't even back up into a tight spot.

Don't even ask me to drive a stick shift.

Wait, please listen.

My sisters of the stadium,

Tuca is the one. She can do it.

It's too hard.

Hey, everybody! I know I can do this.

And I can help you all get your grind back, too.

Here's some of my stats.

When I was 22, I (honk) a (boing) out of a (boing).

My record for most (squeak) in a night is 74.

One time I (whistle) while skydiving (whistle)

into a giant, juicy (boing).

It was an (bleep).

Plus, look at this.

She is... the one.

And now each team must pay a youth to rake for them.

Can they finish the task and maintain clean piles

despite their juvenile lassitude?

(crowd cheering)

Come on. Please rake the leaves. Please.

(laughing)

Ha. I had to buy our son the same thing.

Oh, yeah. You just got to do whatever you can

to keep them happy. (chuckles)

And alive.

Anything that works, am I right?

(chuckles) That is correct.

Before I had kids, I was so careful and nervous around them.

But now I'm like you guys.

I'm all, "Just have fun, kiddo.

"Go ahead and shove dirt straight down your gullet.

See if I care."

It's nice to meet other cool parents.

Most adults are so uptight.

Us? Cool?

And how old is she? Your daughter?

Oh. Tulip's actually, she's, um...

Our daughter, yes!

And she's five, six, seven-- six and a half-- three-quarters.

6 3/4. Eh.

Yup. Tulip's our own little hatchling.

And my name is... Ch-Christopher, with a "V."

And... Tulip's a musical prodigy.

-Wow. -Eh.

She plays the horn.

Oh. Which one?

Well, you know, the one that has a lot of, uh, buttons,

and you can wear it as pants.

And it goes, "Wam, bwam." You know that one?

Impressive.

It's so nice to hang out with other parents.

-Oh, absolutely. -So nice.

New friends.

♪ I know I'm set for glory ♪

-Mmm. Uh... (laughs) -♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now ♪

♪ Here's my story ♪

Uh-huh.

♪ And no one's gonna tell me how ♪

-♪ I gotta do it right ♪ -(laughing)

♪ I'm gonna shine bright tonight. ♪

(all laughing)

Tuca, you've done so much to help us.

Now there's just the matter of humping that team.

No! We can't let her do it. She'll get hurt.

But she's the one. She can get us out of here.

She must save herself. No one will ever free us.

She'll be sucked into the curse.

-What now? -Ah, we got to tell her.

Fine. Okay. Tuca, there's a curse on this stadium.

An entire team must get screwed,

and six full orgasms must be achieved.

And good ones, too.

None of those weird little numb ones.

If there aren't six players laid

and six female climaxes achieved before night falls on game day,

anyone who attempts to break the curse

is trapped in the stadium forever.

Oh, we've been here for decades.

We sleep on the field.

(crickets chirping)

(snoring)

So, anyone have a new crush?

Nobody has ever successfully broken the curse.

If you try and fail, you'll be stuck here with us,

and you'll have to work at the gift shop.

Well, it's the crappiest job

because you have to sell collectibles

to the worst kind of nerd...

-jock nerds. -(cawing)

Damn.

I'm not worried.

-None of this worries me. -Really?

Six orgasms is nothing to me. I can be super horny.

Just watch.

-(gasps) -Ho-ho-ho!

(buzzing)

She's even more the one than she was before.

The one-iest one.

She is ready.

Yeah, Tommy. Good raking technique. Keep up the pace.

Eyes on the leaves, boys.

I'm seeing clusters, and I want to see piles.

-(cheering) -Good work. Good hustle.

(whoops) Rake it, honey! Ow.

(panting)

(grunts)

Ow!

(laughs) Nice!

This game is so dumb.

So, yeah, me and Bertie and Tulip

all live in, like, a big house, but it's tasteful.

And we grow all our own salads, because I can keep plants alive.

And we own a swimming pool full of candy.

We do.

Yes, we do.

You know, work keeps me pretty busy,

since I run everything at, uh,

my own restaurant.

Bertie's Family Restaurant.

Yeah, and I'm a stay-at-home dad.

The second I looked into little Tulip's eyes,

I knew I was no longer just a person.

I was now a father.

You love being a father.

Yeah. It just gives my days so much structure and meaning.

-It's so fulfilling. -Um, wow.

And I'm a... a mom.

Look at you. You've got it all.

(chuckles nervously) Sure do.

Wow. We're both in telemarketing.

ANNOUNCER MAN: Now our players are doing

what every raker must do mid-rake--

pause to stare into middle distance

and marvel at the slow passage of time.

Another summer come and gone.

Soon we will be as the leaves,

our days of splendor long forgotten.

Watch us tumble, tumble,

tumble on our irreversible descent to earth.

And now for our halftime show:

a dead rabbit slowly decomposing.

(cheering)

There it is, the players' lair.

Halftime is starting.

-(slaps) -Go get those Hot Ciders, Tuca.

All six of 'em.

Thank you for believing in me

and my ability to bounce from wiener to wiener.

I won't let you down.

Oh. It's you!

Oh-ho-ho. Howdy.

Gosh. You're glowing like a porch light,

and I feel like a big old June beetle.

Yeah. Come to Tuca.

Yes, ma'am. I am down to sashay.

(grunting rhythmically)

(laughing)

Whoa, Tulip.

E-Easy girl. (chuckles nervously)

(growling)

Here. Do you want to play a game on my phone?

-(synthesizer music playing) -Ah...

Clickity-clicks. Lighty-lights.

In-app purchasy-purchases.

Uh, you know, a-actually, I'm gonna take that back.

(crunch)

Ow! Okay. It didn't break the skin.

I think it was just a warning. Huh.

(screaming)

I want phone!

My phone baby! Give me back my baby!

-(crying) -Hey, kiddo.

Let's just save some of this energy

for horn rehearsal tonight.

Or, as us horn parents say, "rehornsal."

-(groans) -(giggling)

Speckle, let her have some fun.

Come on, she'll burn this energy off eventually.

You push her too hard.

She can have fun doing something calmer

and less bite-y.

Look at Gavin.

♪ ♪

(giggles) Watch me swim. Whee!

Ah. Now do you see why we need more boundaries with her?

It's basic parenting.

(screaming)

Oh, no. We killed her!

(giggling)

Ah! She's still alive!

(moaning)

ANNOUNCER MAN: Things are heating up. Oh, it's on, folks.

It's happening.

(moaning)

Figgy?

Figgy!

Figgy!

(grunts)

ANNOUNCER MAN: Oh, this is not pretty, folks.

It looks like they still haven't gotten over their last loss.

Hey, maybe we should stop.

No! Pushing... through... it.

Uh, no offense, ma'am,

but that pelvis sounds like a broken woodchipper, and, uh,

it's making my pecker freeze up something fierce.

(sighs)

Let me just think some horny thoughts.

Sex. Sex with people.

Ooh, sex with objects. Sexy sex.

(engine stalling)

ANNOUNCER MAN: And you hate to see this, folks.

They're really forcing an unnatural play here,

-and it is not flowing. -(groaning)

(crying): I can't do it!

(wailing)

(crowd cheering)

Where is she?

See? I knew this would happen.

She's halfway through an epic sugar bender.

She's gonna crash and tank her rehornsal tonight.

She could use a little support from her father right now.

Oh, easy for you to say.

You're busy working long hours while I raise our child!

That is so unfair!

Who do you think pays for all that horn tutoring, huh?

(panting)

-(grunts) -(crowd cheering)

-Whoa! -Tulip?

-(giggles) -Tulip.

Whee! Whoa!

(panting)

-Wow! -Damn it!

Look at me, Mommy. I can fly.

Wait, why are we fighting about this?

Tulip's not even really our kid.

(crickets chirping)

Well, what about when we do have kids?

How is this going to work

if we have totally conflicting parenting philosophies?

I didn't realize we were going to have kids.

Well, I don't want to, but you clearly do.

You said that stuff about how meaningful fatherhood is to you.

I thought we were making shit up!

You said you could keep plants alive!

But what if I'm holding you back

from a happy life of having children?

You're so good with them.

I just assumed you wanted some of your own.

-Not at all! -Nor I, neither!

So we agree!

Same page, all the way!

(both sigh)

(crowd cheering)

(Tulip giggles)

-Tulip. -(whistle blows)

♪ ♪

(giggles)

-Ah...! -Whoa!

(crowd cheering)

(buzzing)

♪ ♪

And the Autumn Warriors win the game!

(chanting): Terry! Terry!

Sweetie. You did it!

Yep. This was your dream, and it was easy.

I (bleep) it up. And not in a hot way.

Part of me wanted it so bad, but I just couldn't.

Aw, yeah. It happens.

Your body can be in pristine condition,

but if your mind isn't right...

I failed.

My goal was to do the entire team,

and none of them got done.

Actually, Tuca, listen.

(moaning)

The entire team is getting did.

And it's all because of you.

(moaning)

Tuca, you helped us realize

we've been holding ourselves back all these years.

We could've been hotdogging each other

and entire teams all along.

We were locked in the past.

That's how we failed ourselves and lost our way.

But you were the key to our slots, Tuca.

(whoops)

Thank you for showing us

how to believe in ourselves again, Tuca.

The curse is almost...

(moaning)

Okay, whew, that was six. The curse is broken now!

Oh, wow. It smells funny in here.

Wow, this is real nice.

I'm enjoying this postgame orgy.

Good for you, dude.

Hey, whose butt is that?

Oh... (laughs) Not a butt.

Just some ice cream. I'm gonna eat these later.

Oh, sounds good.

More ice cream?

Hi. (laughs) I'm a butt.

Got to get back to work now.

I guess I'm finally admitting to myself

that I'm really sad about breaking up with Figgy.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean you can't (bleep).

Look down.

You're back in action.

Yeah, but now I got no one to do it with.

Not no one. Look down again.

(both grunting)

And that's how I think sex works.

Oh.

So... Sorry we lied.

Oh, it's no biggie.

We were lying, too.

We're grifters.

Here you go. I grifted your wallet.

Wow. What? Is this even your son?

Oh, yeah. He's top of his class at grifting school.

Actually, Dad, I made that up.

I've just been going to the arcade this whole time.

It was a grift.

Aw. That's our boy.

(chuckles) Excellent grift, son.

-(sighs) -Ooh-wee.

Oh.

Wait, where are you going? The curse has been lifted.

We know. But we still live here.

This is our home.

It's so dark out there.

I can't sleep without the stadium lights

beaming down on me.

Plus, this way, we can keep (bleep)ing more teams.

(cheering)

Yeah, baby!

♪ We're raking it up ♪

♪ Raking it up tonight ♪

♪ We're raking it up ♪

♪ Till the feeling's right ♪

♪ Oh, I want you to rake me there ♪

♪ Rake it all night ♪

♪ It's just not fair ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Raking it up ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Raking me down. ♪

(squishing)

Dang it. I'm never invited to these.

(dogs barking)