Original subtitles

♪ ♪

-He drinks? -He drinks, Bertie.

-Wow. -But it's okay.

Figgy and I were talking about it today

-while we were out hunting. -What?

(birds singing)

(slurping)

Ah! Come on.

Nice one.

You know, Figgy, I was thinking about what you told me.

Oh?

So, you drink. I used to drink, I get it.

But maybe we should set up some ground rules.

-(splats) -PAINTBALLER: Why?!

I haven't been given rules since I was ten rings old,

but sure, let's hear them.

-Don't drink in front of me. -Sure.

Don't drink so much I have to take you

-to the hospital. -Easy.

No home brewing.

Not because it's alcohol, but because it's annoying.

Ew, I would never.

And finally, don't make me wear pants.

My ex made me wear pants and she was bad news.

Was that your main takeaway on Kara?

That she sucked because she made you wear pants?

It's what the pants represented, Bertie.

They represented that she made me wear pants.

All right. I have one rule for you.

Aw, I hate rules. This sucks!

Just one.

Don't ask me to stop drinking.

I love you, but I know myself and I'm not going to change.

Oh, I get that.

Back when I drank, the more people tried

to get me to quit, the more I didn't want to.

(mockingly): "Tuca, please quit."

(regular voice): "Why don't you quit

annoying me?"

(mockingly): "Tuca, you have a problem."

(regular voice): "A problem with you

being a whiner!"

(mockingly): "Who are you and why are you

streaking at this middle school science fair?"

(regular voice): "Bitch, you think I know?"

(Tuca grunts)

It sounds like you're going into this with both eyes open.

Bertie, for a guy as fine as Figgy,

I'm going in with all my holes open.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The northbound snake train

will be delayed one hour due to a medical issue.

"Medical issue"?

Let's hoof it from here.

♪ ♪

(hissing)

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The miracle of birth,

now on platform six.

Please stand clear

of life's glorious pageant.

♪ ♪

♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and Bertie and Bertie and Tuca ♪

♪ And Tuca and Bertie, Tuca and Bertie ♪

♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪

-♪ Tuca ♪ -♪ And Bertie. ♪

(vocalizing)

Good night, Tuca.

Let's keep hanging out. It's only 9:00 p.m.

The 9:00 a.m. of nights.

(sighs) I've got a big day tomorrow.

I'm pitching a new product line to Chef Garcia

and I got to prep for it.

Ah, you're gonna kill it, Bertie,

Kill it dead.

Really murder the crap out of that pitch,

then douse the floor with bleach

and bury that pitch in the woods, Bertie.

♪ ♪

(meowing)

-(hisses) -(yowling)

(choir sings)

-(snoring) -Bertie?

I'm going to wake you up gently so you don't startle, okay?

(screams)

Oh, shit! Oh, what time is it?

I'm late. Time is a dick.

(shoes screeching)

(exclaims)

Excuse me. Move. Oh! Come on. Really?

Ah!

(door chimes)

Ow! Excuse me.

Ouch. Ow.

(grunts)

(exhales)

Today's many baked goods present an opportunity

for us to rise to the occasion.

Looking at some cards, huh? I like to look at stuff.

I'm sorry, I-I'm just trying to work.

What's your work?

Does it involve looking at stuff?

Bertie, make your face look less approachable.

Be an ice bitch.

-Damn it! -WOMAN: Would you hold my baby for a sec?

Why would I...?

I want to play a game on my phone.

Oh, no thanks, I don't really want to...

(baby cooing)

Um, excuse me, I-I think your baby...

GAME VOICE: Winner!

(gagging)

-(tittering) -(baby retching)

Ah! Your baby totally beefed all over me!

I know. Babies.

Sometimes it's like, why did we even sign up for this, right?

I didn't sign up for it.

Yeah, tell me about it.

(beeps)

(crunches)

Okay, Bertie, what do you got?

Okay.

Consumers love Wintersnacks, right?

But how do we build on that with desserts that are fun

and tell a story?

Presenting...

...Bug Bundts.

Mini Bundt cakes shaped like bugs.

Each package has six distinct bugs

with their own shape and backstory.

I've designed six distinct flavor profiles:

Chocolate, Red Velvet, French Vanilla,

Je Ne Sais Quoi, Birthday Sprinkles,

and Miscellaneous!

Nah. What else you got?

What?

(stammers) This was my only idea.

I-I made samples. Would you like to try?

No, I get it. Bugs.

It's not right for Wintersnacks.

Jamie, what do you got?

Uh, yeah, I was thinking cookies that are triangles,

and they come in one flavor.

Cookie.

Hmm, I like it.

It's smart in a stupid sort of way.

Whip up some prototypes and make them isosceles.

(chuckles) Isosceles, you sosceles,

-we all sosceles for... -Bertie.

Why don't you bring in some more ideas tomorrow?

Yes, Chef.

(crunching)

Ow!

"What else you got?"

What else I got?

Don't you think if I got else, I would have said else?

Clearly, I do not got else!

You should get some sleep.

Some of my best ideas come to me in my dreams.

(screaming)

Ooh, that's a great window design.

(screaming)

I can't. I have to come up with a whole new thing.

Okay, then. Don't worry about me,

I'll just kiss myself night night.

(kissing): Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Okay, okay.

New pastry. All right.

Miniature croissants with tiny hot dogs inside?

I'll call them Porks in a Towel.

Nope, that's just Pigs in a Blanket.

Damn it!

(knocking at door)

Huh...

Oh.

What do you want?

Well, you can't come in here.

Shoo. Shoo.

Fine. Come in. Stay out.

Nobody cares what I think, anyway.

No one takes me seriously.

I mean, I'm invisible to all the people I want to see me,

and super visible to the people I wish would leave me alone.

(hissing)

BERTIE: I got a too-cute face. That's my problem.

I'm too freaking cute!

(crunches)

(yawns) Oh.

Good morning, baby.

Oh, you would not believe the day I have ahead of me.

My low-income housing complex is up for design review.

Anyways.

Big day for Speckle. (exhales)

(shrieks)

Oh, my God.

Bertie, what happened?

What do you think? I got eaten by a snake.

Ugh.

This is just what I need.

Perfect. Eaten by a snake.

♪ ♪

Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, I'll tell you your problem.

You got eaten by a snake.

You don't think I know that?

Eaten by a snake? I swear to God.

Is there anything we can do?

Nah, she's in there good.

Eventually, this guy's gonna poop you out.

You just have to live your life inside the snake for a few days.

And then live the rest of your life as poop, I guess.

I don't really follow up on what happens next.

That's it? I just have to wait?

Yup. In the future, to prevent this,

don't get eaten by a snake.

I can't go into work like this.

Chef Garcia already hates my ideas.

Now I'm also going to be the employee

that got eaten by a snake?

Of course this would happen to me.

Eaten by a freaking snake.

I have an announcement.

Operation Tuca Dates an Alcoholic is a success.

Oh, wow.

He took me to a fancy art show

and he didn't even touch the free wine,

which is impressive because the art was really bad.

This is what passes for art?

A baby could have painted this.

And he's going to take me out again today.

Hey, Bertie, there's something different about you.

Did you get a new sweater?

Um, I got eaten by a snake.

Damn, Bertie, that's nasty.

Also, yes, I did get a new sweater.

Thank you for noticing.

Well, I'm off to work, I guess.

Hope the snake I'm in doesn't get eaten

by another snake on the way there.

Oh, my God, a snake!

-Ew! -Whoa!

♪ ♪

Oh, boy, here we go.

-Are you listening to a podcast? -What?

I like podcasts, too. And music.

Hey, that lady doesn't know you.

Why don't you leave her alone?

Hey, now, I-I didn't realize

talking to this stranger for no reason would disrupt you,

a person I've never met, but am inclined to respect.

My sincerest apologies.

Don't apologize to me. Apologize to her.

(shrieks) A snake!

I'm open! I'm open!

(crunching)

Look at all these suckers getting eaten by snakes.

-Couldn't be me. -Great.

What do you want to do tonight?

I'll tell you what I'm not going to do.

Get eaten by a snake. No, sirree.

I'm very confident on this matter.

You want to spend another night with me?

You don't want to spend a night alone

so you can drink?

Oh, as soon as we're done hanging out,

I'm going to drink like crazy.

But while I've got you, I want to be with you.

That's sweet.

But you know what's even sweeter?

The fact that I'm not getting eaten by a snake anytime soon.

Me, swallowed by a snake?

I'd like to see that,

but I never will because it will not happen.

(hissing)

You thought that was going to be a snake, didn't you?

(scoffs) Not on my watch.

♪ ♪

Aw, crud.

So... you got some new ideas today?

(sighs) I didn't have time to think of anything.

I got eaten by a snake.

Yeah, that'll happen.

(crunching)

Hey, could you stop eating my salad?

You know what? I was being a jerk just then.

-Help yourself. -(crunching)

Ow! What the...

Okay, team, what do we have today?

Bertie,

you're looking particularly confident.

Love the hat.

Uh, yes. Okay.

Here's a new dessert idea.

And it is the idea that I'm about to say.

Yes, that's been established.

Say the idea.

Uh... salad.

Salad?

Bertie, that is the opposite of dessert.

I don't know a word that is less dessert than "salad."

Yes. But w-what if it's a dessert

that looks like a salad,

but then, when you bite into it, it's actually...

a dessert?

Hmm.

Dessert salads.

It's playful, it's clever, and if you eat it at work,

everyone thinks you're being healthy.

Great job.

Really? Wow.

Okay. Yeah.

(crunching)

Ah!

(grunting)

Speckle, I got my pitch approved!

Great! The thing I was worried about also turned out fine.

Awesome!

We need to celebrate.

I'm gonna break out the champagne.

And this time, I won't be afraid of the pop.

Yeah! Let's break it out and snake it out.

♪ ♪

Yeah!

(shouting, laughing)

I-I'm not scared.

(phone ringing)

Who the hell is Spam and why does she keep calling you?

-Babe! -(crunching)

Oh, no. You're not getting out of this that easy.

Are you cheating on me with a woman named Spamela?

And furthermore,

I always look in toilets before and after I use them.

And that is the 12th reason why I, Tuca Toucan,

will not be eaten by a snake.

Okay.

And speaking of toilets, I'll be right back.

Well, I got eaten by a snake.

Oh, wow. Are you okay?

I'm fine. I got eaten by a snake, who cares?

We don't need to make a thing out of it.

It's kind of funny

because you were so adamant just a second ago.

Why are you dwelling on the past?

I'm in a snake now. So what?

It's weird that you keep bringing it up.

(chuckles) Welcome to Two Twigs.

Our drink special is the Philosopher's Pretension.

A special kind of bourbon that only tastes good

to those who are true of heart. Ha.

Ooh, that sounds good.

Only if you're worthy. (chuckles)

I'll give you a minute.

You want a drink, don't you?

I mean, yeah, I always want a drink,

but I also want to follow your rules.

Look, the only reason why I set those rules is

I know how I was around alcohol.

I could never just have a drink with dinner.

Oh, I know how to drink without getting plastered,

but we agreed, no drinking in front of you.

Yeah, but right now I'm in this snake.

So, technically, you're not in front of me.

Are you sure?

Yeah, go ahead! It's snake rules, baby.

♪ We are snaking it up ♪

♪ Snaking it up tonight ♪

♪ Snaking it up ♪

♪ Till the feeling's right ♪

♪ Oh, I want you to snake me, babe ♪

♪ Snake it all night ♪

♪ It's just not fair ♪

♪ Whoa, baby ♪

♪ Snaking it up ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ You're snaking me down. ♪

BERTIE: You got eaten by a snake?

TUCA: Yup. And I got Figgy drunk.

-Whoa, boy. -Turns out

he's a better drunk than I ever was.

He's just doing the fun parts and not the sad parts.

I should've thought of that.

So, speaking of fun parts...

Oh, I know that voice.

That's the voice of someone who just got porked in a towel.

You know, I usually get anxious during sex

because I can feel Speckle look at me

and I get in my own head about reacting in the right way.

But when I'm in a snake,

he can't see me, so I can just... enjoy myself.

Bertie, you are living your best snake self and I am here for it.

I feel so powerful.

(sighs)

♪ ♪

BERTIE: Hey, Jamie, does this wafer look like kale?

Nah, just looks like a moldy wafer.

Okay, maybe one more drop?

(explosion)

Whoa.

Ugh! This is so hard.

Why did I pitch this crazy idea?

My triangle cookies were real touch and go

for a minute there too, but then I found this.

♪ Hallelujah! ♪

Cool.

So, yeah, I'm pretty much done.

(vocalizing)

TUCA: Bertie, I figured out my new thing.

Not being eaten by an eagle.

Okay. I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

Sorry, I couldn't see. I'm inside a snake.

Quick question. Is the snake inside an eagle?

How should I know? I am also inside a snake.

Let's assume no.

Okay, while you're here, maybe you can help me

think of things that are in salads.

Bleh! I don't know anything about salads

and salads don't know anything about me.

-(crunching) -Ooh, a delicious salad.

I'm stuck doing this project just because I pitched it

while I was in a snake.

But Bug Bundts was the actual good idea.

If only I'd pitched that while in a snake.

You're in a snake now.

Why don't you just make the thing you want to make?

What's Garcia gonna say?

She'd probably say, "Great idea,

Bertie, who's been eaten by a snake."

(gasps)

Oh, my God, that's exactly what I want her to say.

Do it, Bertie!

Do the sneaky-beaky snakey-bakey.

♪ ♪

♪ Do the sneaky-beaky snakey-bakey ♪

(crunching)

♪ Do the sneaky-beaky snakey-bakey. ♪

BERTIE: So, tell me more about Figgy.

You two had a good time last night?

TUCA: You know it.

But things were a little off this morning.

Off? How?

(yawning): Ah...

What do you want to do today, Big Fig?

Roller rink? Ballet? Make-a big-a pizza pie?

Maybe you should go.

For real? Oh, no.

What did I do?

Nothing. No, everything's fine.

I've had the best time with you.

But everyone needs to be alone sometimes.

I'll call you in a few days, yeah?

He's not going to call, is he?

Of course he is.

He probably just got a little self-conscious

that he let his guard down in front of you.

You think?

Remember when you used to drink?

Those nights you got really sloppy

and I had to take care of you?

How'd you feel the next morning?

I felt bad. But Figgy wasn't like that.

He didn't steal a fire engine or crash a fire engine,

or set a fire engine on fire.

On a Tuca scale, he was like a two.

And even if he was a ten, I wouldn't care.

I'd take care of him like you took care of me.

I love him, Bertie.

Maybe he needs to hear you say that.

You're right. I'm gonna go tell him.

But not now. I'm invested in your thing.

But the second your thing gets less interesting,

-I'm out of here. -(timer dings)

(gasps) They're perfect.

♪ ♪

(line rings)

Hey. Chef Garcia, get your ass over here.

What I've got is going to knock your socks off.

So, I hope you've got nice feet

because, honey, I'm gonna look at them

and name each individual toe.

That's weird, ignore that last part.

(gurgling)

Okay, see you soon.

And remember, set your expectations sky-high.

(gurgles)

What the hell?

Oh, no, the snake is pooping you out!

No. Not now. Not now.

(groaning)

No! I need this, please.

Uh-oh! Bertie, I think seeing your snake go

is making my snake have to go, too.

(shouts)

(grunts)

Oh, God. Oh, God!

I'm open! I...

Oh, oh, Mommy!

Hey, what happened to all my lasagna ingredients?

(bell dings)

Oh! (giggles)

Thank you.

(hissing)

What am I going to do? Chef Garcia is on her way.

I can't pitch without my snake power!

Bertie, don't you get it?

It was never about the snake.

The magic was in you all along.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So, it's Bug Bundts. From before.

But this time I made them. I did it.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Sorry to the competition for what they're gonna have to...

I made all six bugs and I added even more bugs

with even more complicated backstories.

One of the flavors is now "Bugs."

(shuddering)

What happened to the salad thing?

Yeah, okay, but you only liked that pitch

because I was inside a snake.

I worked so much harder on the bug idea,

and it's better, Chef Garcia.

And if you can't see that because I'm not inside a snake,

then you're making a big mistake.

A "misnake."

Huh. Yeah, maybe.

Maybe I liked the salads more because you were in the snake.

Or maybe it was a better idea.

Or maybe you pitched it better.

Or maybe you pitched it worse,

but I liked that you hadn't figured it all out yet.

Who knows? Anyway, I chose salads.

So, you should probably spend less time wondering why

and more time baking cakes that look like croutons.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, remember when I said the magic was in you?

I was wrong.

The magic was 1,000% the snake.

-Aw. -Okay, I'm gonna bounce.

Figgy, are you there?

I'm sorry if I made things weird with all my rules.

I don't want you to feel like you can't be yourself around me.

I love and accept you as you are.

All of you.

Uh...

-Figgy? -(rustling)

-(cracking) -Figgy?

(groaning)

Is this because I let you drink at dinner?

Did I send you down a slippery slope?

Uh, no. No. I do this when I'm alone.

Once a week. Twice, t-tops.

Your leaves are dying.

Give a few days. He'll grow back.

Figgy, I don't think this is...

Hey! What's my one rule?

(exhales)

(slurring): Come on, I just need for myself sometime.

It's not hurting anyone.

You're right, I broke your rule.

Let's just...

Why don't you call me when you're feeling better?

I love you.

I love you too, Sweetie-tooks.

(sighs)

(shudders)

Hi, again. Hi.

I don't want to lie to you and pretend that I'm okay with this.

I know nothing I say is going to change you,

but I can't care about you

and know that you're hurting yourself.

I just can't.

I'm sorry.

Does this look like an olive?

I think you're doing a great job.

(sighs) why do I care so much, Speckle?

You know, everything would be so much easier

if I could just be a cool, tough, emotionless snake.

Well, for what it's worth,

I like not-cool, tender, emotional Bertie.

In fact,

olive her.

-Mwah. -(giggles)

Speckle.

(knocking on door)

Uh...

Bertie, I'm sad.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(groaning)

(hissing)

(screaming)

(dogs barking)