Original subtitles

(electricity buzzing)

♪ ♪

(slurping sounds)

(whimpers)

Oh...

(gasps)

Are you wearing my outfit?

Yes, we're twinsies. Can we hang out all night?

Let's make up our own language that only we know.

-What's wrong? -Are you mad at us?

Ugh. You're just so needy.

(screams)

♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and Bertie and Bertie and Tuca ♪

♪ And Tuca and Bertie, Tuca and Bertie ♪

♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪

-♪ Tuca ♪ -♪ And Bertie. ♪

(vocalizing)

And the screech leeches start to dress like you

and then they suck you dry and...

They take over your life. Oh, my God, I know.

So good, so scary. (exhales)

But a lot of people can't handle horror movies.

Maybe you should skip this one?

It's not just that it scares me.

I was friends with the director back in high school,

and things didn't end well, and, well, now I'm worried

this movie is about me.

Wait a minute, you were friends with Muriel Nocturna?

She's a friggin' genius.

I have two copies of Cannibal Sex Monkeys on Blu-ray.

Uh, Dr. Joanne?

Sorry, sorry, okay, putting the therapy hat back on.

Tell me what happened.

I used to be just like those leeches.

Clingy and needy,

just a hardcore emotional barnacle on Muriel's ass.

I can't even think about it without cringing.

Look: not thinking about it,

now I'm thinking about it.

Ow.

Bertie, I'm giving you homework.

Reflect on this high school experience with kindness.

Aww, homework? Do I have to?

Attagirl, get into that teenage mindset.

Now that's out of the way,

could you sign this poster for me?

(device beeping)

Where did you get an X-ray machine?

Bertie, it was the wildest heist you can imagine.

It had disguises, dodged bullets, helicopters,

a laser maze that I sexily evaded

after I sexily seduced a sexy security guard.

-Hey, y'all. I'm taking it. -I don't care.

Now I can finally figure out what's wrong with me,

without all those pesky medical experts getting in the way.

(beeps, whirring)

This stupid piece of junk.

-Huh? -What's happening?

Oh, my God, I'm watching myself bond with my brother.

This is my favorite memory.

And I'm guessing it's my brother's as well.

Huh. My therapy homework this week

is to reflect on some old memories.

I wonder if we could use-- Ow!

I'm three bonks ahead of you.

Ow, ah. What the heck?

Hold still for the medical experiment, Bertie.

Whoa. My parents are driving me to school.

I'm 15.

Man, I'd forgotten how tense and awkward it felt in this space.

And in this body.

Yeah, the vibe in here is extremely off.

Okay, Bertie, remember, you're seeing

the school counselor before class today.

-What? -To talk about, you know,

all of that unpleasantness.

Have a good day, sweetie. Good luck on your geometry quiz.

I'm just such an idiot, letting that happen to me

at the Jelly Lakes, a-and now I'm being a huge baby

about something that happened two summers ago.

Whoa. Heavy.

(chuckles) Yikes. Uh...

Oh, my God, I'm trying so hard to be kind to myself

but it's like I-I keep getting lost in these old emotions.

It's not your fault, Bertie.

It's your teen brain being all teeny.

Plus, look at this counselor. She's younger than I am.

How was she allowed to counsel wayward youths?

Um, I'm mostly here to talk about your future.

Yeah, that's why I had you fill out this career test, okay.

-Let's see. -(computer chimes)

Ooh, you got the best one: astronaut.

Damn it. I want to be an astronaut.

Just do what I did:

lie about your age and go to space camp, girl.

(school bell rings)

That counselor sucked balls.

Ooh, look, look, look. H-He's our class president.

A-And she's one of the most popular girls in my grade.

Bertie, I hate to break it to you,

but everyone here is a dork.

You went to a school for dorks.

(gasps) I can't wait to see my old friends.

Did I even tell them what happened to me?

Geez, I'm trying to remember.

Ew, he did what to you?

Why would you even tell us about that, you perv?

(chuckles) Yeah, I guess it was pretty random.

Oh, right. I did tell them.

You told me you'd never messed around with a boy before.

Well, it wasn't on purpose.

You've been lying to me.

You promised we'd do all this stuff on the same schedule.

I didn't put "hardcore make-out session"

on my calendar until senior year.

Bertie, I hate to break it to you,

but everyone here is a bitch.

You went to a school for bitches.

Right? I mean, can you believe this is how they reacted

to the literal worst thing that ever happened to me?

What ever happened to them?

Did they go pro or did they stay amateur bitches?

I actually apologized incident a few years later,

but it was in a way that made it clear

I didn't understand what I'd done wrong.

I'm in a wonderful marriage with two beautiful children.

I'm still mad that Bertie technically

got to third base before I did.

I don't remember this incident at all,

but I actually did go pro as a bitch.

I make half a million a year bitching for the majors.

Can we stop talking about Bertie's gross summer?

Instead, let's talk about my awesome summer.

I went up one and a half cup sizes.

-(giggling) -Oh, my God. -Wow.

So big.

I have to go, um, update my blog.

(whimpers)

(Bertie crying)

It's okay, baby Bertie.

This happened a long time ago.

BERTIE: Yeah, but it also happened

two minutes ago, and it feels so bad.

♪ You put a spell on me... ♪

Bertie, this girl looks like

a bootleg Supreme Court Justice.

Oh, my God, she's here.

Don't be a leech. Don't be a leech.

Hey, are you okay?

I heard you crying all the way in the art wing.

You're actually the first person I've found crying

-who wasn't a teacher. -Hi. (chuckles)

I'm just, uh, going through some stuff,

but, like, not in a needy way.

Talk to me about it. I'm a great listener.

Uh... Okay, sure.

Is it boyfriend stuff? Guys are the pits.

I'd be happy to curse a dude for you.

Not exactly.

Um...

This thing happened to me, and, uh...

♪ ♪

Hey, you've got thick calves.

Are you interested in trying out for the basketball team?

You can see me?

Of course. You're the tallest kid here.

Think fast.

(laughs)

That's some rocket you got on you.

You know how to set a screen?

Nope, but I'm good at everything I try.

MURIEL: I know how you feel.

I got goosed by our handsy gardener a few years ago.

Then my parents pretended like it never happened.

Oh, my God, my parents did the same thing.

They didn't want to talk about it,

so they handed me off to the guidance counselor.

Miss Hamhock? She told me I'm gonna grow up

and run a ketchup factory.

Then she started crying because

she wants to run a ketchup factory.

She's hella gnarly.

Hey, would you ever want to chill sometime?

Yeah. I hella would.

Here's my number. Don't call my house before 9:00 p.m.,

or my parents will freak out. Nocturnal.

♪ You're the friend ♪

♪ I need... ♪

(both laugh)

♪ Indeed, you're a friend... ♪

Oh, my God, you have a crush on Paul.

Shh, shh. He could hear you.

Okay, fine, let's come up with a nickname,

so we can talk about him in front of people.

Let's call him... "Apple,"

because he likes apple juice.

Ooh, I like it.

"Ap-paul."

Paul, for short.

That totally defeats the purpose.

It's perfect.

That's the guy you're slobbering for?

-He's a child. -I know, I know.

He's a baby.

I feel like I saw him differently back then.

Oh... those cheekbones.

(sighs) Let's bounce and go to Cool Subject.

-I need a new skirt. -Okay.

I'm in here, like, once a week. They have the best stuff.

It all looks so dangerous,

but in a safe way, for teens.

Speaking of danger...

-W-What are you... -You'd look so cute in this.

Here, put it on,

then walk out the door like everything's cool.

(panting)

Whoo!

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

-(sighs) -Oh, what a rush.

(both laugh)

We could be twins.

Oh...

(slurping)

(burps)

(Muriel and Bertie laughing)

And that's how the birds from Europe

discovered America before the birds that were already here.

-Any questions? -Ooh!

Why am I here? I'm not part of this memory.

Go to the principal's office!

(groans)

(Muriel and Bertie laughing)

Hey, I made this for you.

Really? For me?

Oh, it's no big deal, just a couple bands I'm into.

I prefer cassettes to CDs because they're retro,

and they sound worse. It's cool.

Thanks. I-I'm gonna listen to it right away.

♪ You're something new ♪

♪ Cool ♪

♪ Something that I never ♪

♪ Dreamed I could know ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I've never been so high ♪

♪ You make me feel alive ♪

♪ All from those serpent eyes ♪

♪ Let's go no days without you ♪

♪ You're something... ♪

(British accent): Pip, pip, I baked you a bitch cake.

(laughs)

Y-You'd better not bitch me out.

(laughs)

(British accent): Hey, fetus mouse,

I made you a hater pie.

(laughs)

You look like a bomb-ass babe.

I'm so glad you stole these.

(chuckles) Thanks.

-(door opens) -Hey, girls. Wow.

Bertie, where did you get all those clothes?

Mom! Please knock before you enter my personal space.

I made you some snacks.

Beefy Teens Canned Pasta.

-Ugh. (chuckles) -ANNA: Bertie's absolute favorite.

Mom, Muriel is a vegetarian,

and... so am I.

Since when? We had burgers just last night.

I was scowling the whole time.

Like, you don't think that meant something?

(British accent): What are you, mental?

(laughs)

Okay, I'll leave you alone.

It was nice to meet your new friend yesterday.

I can't help but, uh,

notice that you're starting to resemble

-this new girl a little bit? -Yeah, so?

I like this stuff. I look hella cool.

I just want to make sure you're not losing your sense of self.

I know sometimes you can get into trouble

throwing yourself into the deep end.

Oh, so now you care about me and what I'm going through?

Of course I care, don't be silly.

Now, about this new look,

are you a Satanist? I saw this

-story on the news about a group of Satanists... -(grunting)

...who donated

to a charity, and I thought,

"Is my daughter a Satanist?"

Mom, what are you even talking about?

Why don't you just send me back to the school counselor

like you do whenever there's a problem, apparently?

Good luck on your geometry quiz, honey.

-(laughter) -That is so Melissa to say that.

Janelle, don't you take that from Melissa.

Belinda, get over here and help Janelle beat Melissa's ass.

Oh, hey, Bertie, how's your memories going?

Uh, my mom is so awkward.

She doesn't understand true friendship.

She called me a copycat.

Don't you mean a copy-bat? (laughs)

♪ You put a spell on me... ♪

Whoa, she drinks coffee? That's so cool.

I-I'm gonna start drinking coffee.

Bertie, stop tripping.

If she drank coffee off a bridge,

would you drink coffee after her?

-Think about it. -Muriel!

Over here.

Wow, some people really lose themselves in fantasies.

Welp, back to basketball.

So... did you call Paul last night

-like I dared you to? -(laughs)

Yeah, but, uh, you know, I was so nervous

I just cussed into the phone and hung up.

I said, "Ass."

So, once you do finally hook up with him,

what're you guys gonna do? Are you gonna tongue kiss?

-Touch butts? -I don't know.

I-I'm kind of scared of that stuff.

Are you scared right now?

No...

Mm?

-(heart beating) -Mm. Mm.

-Mm. -Mm.

I'm gonna be late for chemistry again.

See you later.

Well, what do you want to do after school?

You want to go to the diner and get crinkle fries?

-(school bell rings) -Or we could just go to my house

and make out in my room all afternoon?

(laughs) Just kidding.

Oh, actually, I was gonna go to the mall with Jessica.

Maybe I'll see you later?

(stammers) Well, not-not if I see you first.

I mean, you will also see me later,

if I see you first. I-I'm not going to, like, murder you.

(laughs) But, seriously,

I'm-I'm not gonna murder you.

Okay.

But...

the mall was our place.

So then, I asked Kevin if he thought Lydia was pretty,

and you'll never believe what he said. It was so sick.

He said, "Yes,"

and I was like, "Um,

pervert much?"

Mm.

Dude! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

No, I just missed you. Anyways, last night,

after you didn't answer any of my 17 calls,

and the machine ran out of tape,

I channeled all of that energy into this mix

I made for you.

You put "Nearer" by Ten Inch Talons on here?

You didn't even like Warehouse Murder Party Music

until I told you about them.

Well, I love it now. Wait, are you mad at me?

No.

(slurping noise)

(groans)

Hey, watch this.

(laughter)

What are you doing? Today's chicken nugget day,

and I know how much you love your processed meat wads.

Nuh-uh, I love tofu.

Bertie, stop lying.

You told me tofu makes you want to cry.

I love tofu so much.

I could eat it at every meal.

Yum.

(bell rings)

The main causes of the Bird Civil War

were the economy and bird states' rights.

Can anyone tell me when the war started?

-(groans) Snoozapalooza. -HISTORY TEACHER: Anyone?

No? -(laughs)

HISTORY TEACHER: Okay.

Can anyone tell me when the Battle of the Giant Cats

happened?

Come on, guys, it was only 40 years ago,

and some of us still hold grudges.

Now, next week, I want

everybody to be prepared,

we're gonna be talking about the Emu Wars.

(slurping noise)

(crying)

-(screams) -Smile for the yearbook.

What? I'm not feeling photogenic right now.

Could you please stop?

No way. Nobody's invented

the concept of asking for permission yet.

(cheering)

Okay, Coach, I'm gonna do

some lay-'em-ups and some dribble-'em-downs.

And then I'm gonna pick the old pumpkin from the patch,

and then I'm gonna put the basketball in the basket.

-Sound good? -You're a pro.

And one more thing. You know I'm not in high school, right?

-I'm in my 30s. -Listen to me, you piece of shit.

I only care about one thing: winning.

So go out there and score me as many points as you can

-before you hit menopause, okay? -Yes, Coach.

Hey, Muriel.

Yeah, I'm here ironically, too. (chuckles)

(English accent): Pip-pip. Fetus mouse

is ready to watch some b-ball, huh?

(laughs, groans)

♪ Left, right, love the feeling ♪

♪ There's no one else I love ♪

♪ Left, right, love the feeling ♪

♪ There's no one else I love ♪

-♪ Left. ♪ -(audience gasps, exclaims)

Huh?

Where did all these yearbooks come from?

Well, that's how memory works.

It composites things in a strange way,

and it's often inaccurate.

For example, there was never a goat here at all.

I'm just a model you saw in a catalog once.

-You won gothiest? -I did?

I didn't mean to. I didn't know!

How could you do this?

Muriel, I-I swear it was a mistake.

What the hell are you even doing, stalker?

Your favorite color is pink.

That's not true. I-I'm goth.

You like rom-coms and boy bands.

(voice breaking): Why are you being like this?

You're my best friend.

Bertie, look, I let you hang around

because I felt bad for you.

You're not my best friend.

-That's Jessica. -(Jessica buzzes)

We weren't talking for a month,

but now we're best friends again.

But... you kissed me.

Yeah. I was just messing around.

We're not really friends

at all.

-(Bertie crying) -Time out.

-(whistle blows) -Tuca.

There's one second on the clock, and we need one point to win.

Do it for Melissa and Janelle.

Do if for Belinda and the promise you made

before she succumbed to her curling iron burns.

You can do it! Take it to the hole!

I know I can, but I won't.

I got to go help my best friend.

(audience groans)

(grunts)

(grunting)

(crying): I'm too much of a loser to live.

Bertie, don't let a little girl

whose brain isn't even fully developed yet

make you cry.

Nobody in the entire world

has ever felt this heartbroken before.

I am the queen of pain.

Aw, man.

You are just tits-deep in teendom.

How about we just get you some ice cream?

-(Bertie grunting) -Would that make you feel better?

No. I'm not a baby.

I don't want ice cream.

Do you want me to break out and gain a thousand pounds?

-That's it! We're turning this memory around. -(screams)

I said I don't want to!

Oh. Actually, I would love some ice cream.

Let me just take a lactose pill.

Welcome back to your creaky adult body

that can't digest anything.

Ooh! Oh, man. I'm sorry I was such a mess.

It's crazy that I never got any resolution with Muriel at all.

You still can. There's a screening

of the Screech Leeches,

and the director's gonna be there.

Want to put on some eyeliner and black dresses

and go scare the shit out of her?

I got two tickets.

When did you get the tickets?

I got them before. The movie looked good as hell.

Not everything is about you, Bertie.

-(suspenseful music playing) -(groaning)

(panting)

(grunts) We did it.

We escaped the leeches.

We're finally safe.

WOMAN: I was about to say the same thing.

No. No!

-(laughing) -(snarling)

Whoo-hoo! Bravo!

Oh, got to pee. Excuse me, sir. Got to pee.

-Ooh. -Mm, I liked it.

Almost as good as her last movie, Smug Bugs.

(chuckles): Uh, thank you all

for coming to see the Screech Leeches.

We have a very special guest tonight.

(chuckles): Here's the director, Muriel Nocturna.

(applause)

Thanks, everyone.

I'll do a quick Q and A now

if any of you want to... Oh.

Yes! Uh, hi, Muriel. It's me, Bertie.

I actually have more of a comment

-than a question. -(audience groans)

I just wanted to say I-I-I'm sorry

I was such a leech when we were in high school.

I-I suffocated you with my uncoolness.

An uncoolness I've outgrown,

and I'm actually pretty cool now.

And I'm sorry I won gothiest,

which obviously caused such a lasting damage

that you had no choice but to work out your feelings

in this movie, that, frankly,

was really disturbing,

and I worry about the mental state

of anyone who would enjoy something so scary.

Never mind. I just wanted to apologize,

and it's okay if you want to...

(English accent): ...bitch me out,

titty guv'nor. (laughs)

Uh... Oh.

Uh, the movie isn't about you at all,

so...

-What? -It's about my kid.

He's so needy, and he's always copying me.

Aah! Stop jocking me, creep.

Get your own nose.

Ugh. Anyways, who's next?

Hi. Can you make my movie?

I'm a man.

Oof. That was rough.

I'm still a freak, I guess.

Bertie, you weren't a freak.

You were a high school girl with too many

complicated, sloppy, wet, high school feelings

to know what to do with.

Be kind to that creepy little baby Bertie.

She creeped her way into my heart.

Aw. I'm your heartworm.

Now, when are you gonna start dressing like me, huh?

(chuckles) I've been begging you to wear short shorts for years.

(laughs) Oh, Tuca.

I want to make you over to be a little, mini Tuca.

You'd be so cute. You're gonna need beak extensions

and ass-shaking lessons, though. Ooh!

And some vocal coaching

so you can... (caws)

-Try it. -(Bertie caws)

TUCA: Yep, we've got a lot of work to do.

♪ Your movie ♪

♪ Was not about me ♪

♪ Your movie ♪

♪ Was about someone else. ♪

PAUL: Uh, no. Bad idea.

(slurps)

(dogs barking)