Original subtitles

Ugh. You again.

(groans)

Auntie, I feel all twisted up inside.

Oh, honey, it's just your monthly room repaint.

-What? -It's tomato time, baby.

Time to hop on your cotton pogo stick and go, go, go.

(chuckles) You're entertaining the butcher,

and he's a natural redhead.

You're shaking the devil's margarita.

(laughs)

Auntie, you don't make any sense.

It's just your period, baby.

But why does it hurt so bad?

Get used to it, doll.

Welcome to womanhood.

Population: shut up about it.

(school bell ringing)

(groans)

Ms. Peahen, please, can I go to the nurse?

Quit faking it, Tuca.

I know you didn't study for that test.

I was going to cheat, I swear.

(exhales)

Huh.

(whistles)

Ugh. My period is so annoying.

My cramps are killing me.

Don't you hate how the pain is so bad, you barf... (shouts)

then you black out,

then you jolt back into consciousness

only to curse out the gods that made you?

But no god would make such a beast.

Your body is an evolutionary joke,

and you were born to suffer.

(panting)

-Tampon? -Ooh, that's way too small.

Do you have a beach towel and a shop vac?

(ducks quacking)

Hello, everyone. My name is...

(groans) Tuca.

(vomits)

(vomiting continues)

-Good tour. -Pretty good tour.

♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and Bertie and Bertie and Tuca ♪

♪ And Tuca and Bertie, Tuca and Bertie ♪

♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪

-♪ Tuca ♪ -♪ And Bertie. ♪

(vocalizing)

So, how come you've never pooped while I'm over here?

I want to watch you go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tuca, what?

Ew. You know I don't really do that, right?

-What? -Well, I try not to.

That's why I photosynthesize most of my nutrients.

You know, I did think your booty looked pristine.

That's just a knot.

It's knot a bootyhole?

You plants are freaky-squeaky clean.

FIGGY: You're actually the first non-plant person

I've ever dated.

Your body is so interesting.

So much goes in and comes out, and very little of it is oxygen.

Yep, I'm just a big wet sack of bird meat.

Anyways, let's talk more about things going in and out.

Hey, I was thinking,

maybe we could take a trip sometime.

Have you ever been to Horseville?

Horseville?

(horses neighing)

Welcome to Horseville.

Choose a horse, and you can ride it for your entire visit.

Ha-har!

(gasps) I've always wanted to go there.

-Great. Want to go this weekend? -Hmm, let me see.

Hold on just un momento, por favor.

Oops.

I can't. Uh, I have to, um...

r-repaint my apartment.

(echoes): Well, we can go another time.

I was just trying to be fun and impulsive, like you.

(strains): Hormones shifting.

-Do you need help painting? -(grunts)

No, I'm fine.

I need to go. I'll text you!

(howling)

FIGGY: Okay, love you. (howling)

(laughs)

(sighs) She's fun.

(barking)

(groans)

♪ ♪

(whimpers)

(sighs)

Being sick is so boring.

(grunting)

(knocking on door)

BERTIE: Tuca, it's me.

I can't move, Bertie.

Are you okay?

Do you still want to go to the salon

with the scary stylist?

You know, from the way he looks at me,

I can tell he wants to give me a ruthless makeover.

Ooh, am I tempted?

Am I intrigued by how he would transform me?

-Yes. -Bertie.

I'm stuck here in the dirt. I can't move.

-Are you having your monthly thingy? -Yes.

Do you want me to do the thing where I put my hands

on your body and make sympathetic noises?

Yes.

Ah, ooh, I'm healing you.

It's not working, Bertie.

You should leave. I'm just sucking you down.

Bertie, quickly, escape while you still can.

Um, I'm fine.

(groans)

Tuca, you need to see a doctor.

I hate doctors.

They just want to collect my urine and sell it.

Piss is currency to them, Bertie.

Okay, but, uh, is this chronic thing

holding you back from doing stuff you want to do?

Figgy wants to take me to Horseville.

I really want to go.

I can picture it, and it's so beautiful, Bertie.

♪ ♪

Damn, that's messed up.

Horseville. Ouch!

Well, that's a great reason to get fixed.

You have health insurance from your work, right?

Yeah, it covers everything at this place.

Great.

Bertie, no. I don't want to go.

If you let me make an appointment,

I'll let you play with this glue.

I have to stop myself from putting it in my mouth.

Don't do that.

-Maybe just one bite. -No, Tuca.

I have health insurance now. I can eat the glue.

Bertie, I don't need a doctor anymore.

This website says if I give myself a celery juice enema,

-I'll be cured. -Tuca, you have to stop

letting the Internet tell you what to put up your butt.

-Never. -Tuca Toucan? Right this way.

We just need to get a urine sample.

I knew it! Y'all want to collect my liquid gold right away.

-Cha-ching. -(laughs) That's ridiculous.

We only need it to assess your health.

Very well, but I just know this lemonade's gonna end up

on the yellow market for $58 an ounce.

(phone chimes, vibrates)

No, that's Tuca's phone.

Mind your own business.

(straining)

FIGGY: Hey, Tooks, I saw something that reminded me of you.

Should I buy this for you, or is it too corny?

(gasps)

Bertie, we've been friends for over a decade.

So now it's time to show you my most prized possessions.

Okay.

-Whoa! -Yeah!

(shouting, screaming)

I don't know what to say.

I've got a drummer, a guy on bass and a flautist.

If you look closely, his flute is just a smaller hot dog.

Someday my collection will be complete.

Okay. How do we get out of here?

I love it. Get it for me.

This is Tuca.

Can you show me what your pain level has been like

on this scale?

Are the hats part of it?

Because I kind of feel like this one,

but he's wearing a hat that says "I'm baby,"

and I don't think I'm baby.

So then don't point to that one.

Okay, well, if we're going off general vibe,

-I guess this one. -Okay, so not that much pain.

No, a lot of pain.

You pointed to a face with not that much pain.

There's nothing else I can do for you.

Cute beret, though.

But I feel allergic to my own hormones.

I only have one week a month

where I don't feel like chopping off my lower body.

-Does that sound normal to you? -Hmm.

-Mm-mm-mm. -Look,

can you just give me a referral to a gyno?

Sure, just fill out these ten pages of paperwork.

This is the same paperwork I already filled out.

Can you just talk to each other?

Ever since our queen died, this whole hive

has suffered colony collapse.

We don't communicate at all

because now everyone thinks they're the queen.

Which is crazy because obviously, I'm the queen.

-What? -Fill out these forms in triplicate.

(groans)

It's a long and treacherous way home, green beads,

-but if you just follow this twisty road... -(phone chiming)

...you'll get there safely.

Uhp! Stay the course, red beads.

There is no free will.

Thy destiny is but a single path of loopedy-loops.

(chiming)

(moans)

FIGGY: I've been thinking about

your ideas for Bertie's birthday present.

Whoa.

-FIGGY: The piñata full of spiders. -(shouts)

-A loaded gun. -Oh, no.

-A limited-edition collection... -Ooh.

-...of loaded guns. -(groans)

Based on what you've told me about Bertie--

see footnotes for citations of her fear

of spiders and firearms-- I wonder if she wouldn't like

something more along the lines of a really nice rolling pin.

Or perhaps a picnic?

(sighs) Uh, I agree.

Those are great ideas for Bertie's birthday.

Sincerely, Tuca.

(sighs) Okay, that's it. No more texting.

Should Bertie get really into hats this year?

How old is too old to be into boy bands?

How should Bertie resolve her mommy issues?

Ooh, a-and also, her daddy issues?

What's a six-letter word for "boundaries"?

Should Bertie get spicy chips or plain?

FIGGY: Tooks, remember that time you ate the entire bag

of Scorchin' Hot Gravel Nuggets and they made you feel bad,

but then you said, "Worth it"?

Life is short.

Tell Bertie to get the spicy chips if she wants them.

Damn, so heckin' wise.

I agree. Says me, Tuca.

-(phone chimes) -FIGGY: Glad I could help.

I am Figgy.

-(buzzing) -(wheels creaking)

Okay, how many babies do you want?

Between 12 and 18, but that's not why I'm here today.

Well, this pain is in your pelvis,

so it might affect your fertility.

No, ma'am. You're gonna fix whatever's happening in there,

and then I'm going to have all my babies

without any complications the moment I'm ready. ¿Comprende?

Okay, then. I guess we'll cross that scary bridge

when we come to it. (laughs)

I also get these stabbing pains in my bootyhole.

Nope, no way. I'm a gyno, so I only look at the one hole.

-Come on, it's right there. -Out of my jurisdiction.

-It's, like, one inch away. -Nope, I'm the sheriff

of Pussytown, and that's across the county line.

Pew, pew.

(groans)

(belches, moans)

-Worth it. -(phone chimes)

FIGGY: Hey, Tooks,

I know you're busy repainting your apartment,

but I'm in your neighborhood.

Want me to bring you some pizza?

Aw. Tuca would love pizza.

Especially if she's been painting all day.

Yes, bring me pizza.

Heart emoji, Tuca.

-Hey, Bertie. -(shouts)

I just got a few more specialists to see,

-then we can get out of here. -Okay.

Tuca's not painting her apartment.

Tuca's at the doctor.

Oh, Bertie stupid.

-FIGGY: Be there in five. -Eep!

(phone ringing)

Hello, my sweet, sweetie, sweet...

Speckle! I don't have time to explain.

I need you to go upstairs to Tuca's apartment

and pretend to be her.

I have no questions.

Yoo-hoo! Hi!

That's it, keep waving.

Now, when he rings the intercom,

tell him to leave the pizza in the lobby.

-(buzzer sounds) -SPECKLE: Hello, big boy.

Get up here and give me

a big kiss.

No! Why would you do that?

I feel like that's what Tuca would have said.

(buzzer sounds)

SPECKLE: Come on in.

FIGGY: Hey, Tooks.

Whoa, what's all this?

Uh, I'm painting.

I-I'm covered in paint.

-Ugh... -(Bertie whimpers)

No problem, I can just leave the pizza here at the door,

but I would love to see your place when you're done.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sounds good,

Barky Boy.

Hey, that thing I said earlier about you being

the first non-plant I've dated.

I feel like that came out sounding wrong.

I just really like you.

-All of you. -Aw.

Aw.

FIGGY: Anyways, I can see you're busy.

-I'll be on my way. -Uh, I'm not busy at all.

Tell me more of the things you like about me.

Ask me personal questions about myself

-that only I would know. -No!

(groaning)

I've had it! Enough!

I've seen a urologist, a neurologist, a cloacologist.

All of you are experts on all these individual parts,

but my body is a galaxy, not just one planet.

Whatever is wrong with me is affecting

my entire body and mind.

Isn't there someone here who can look at my whole being

and connect all the parts?

(melodic buzzing)

♪ We can't find the source of your distress ♪

♪ What's your deal? It's anybody's guess ♪

♪ Though all your problems are physical and cyclical ♪

♪ Have you considered that your brain could be atypical? ♪

♪ It's hormones, it's anxiety ♪

♪ Your pelvis is a mystery ♪

♪ You could try losing ten pounds ♪

What? I don't need to lose weight.

That's not my issue.

♪ That's what we say to every patient and it never hurts ♪

I think it does hurt. it's very harmful.

♪ Lost nine pounds? ♪

♪ Try one more ♪

♪ Lost 11 pounds? ♪

♪ That's extra good ♪

♪ Lose six pounds, gain five more ♪

♪ Everybody's got to have an equal score ♪

♪ And the thing you most need to know ♪

♪ Aside from all the tests and diagnoses and vaccines ♪

Yes? What is it?

♪ Is this very important bit of info ♪

♪ Listen up, I'll tell you now ♪

♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ I'm the queen ♪

-♪ I'm the queen ♪ -♪ I'm the queen ♪

♪ I'm the queen, I'm the queen ♪

♪ Queen, queen, queen, queen. ♪

(all buzzing)

Shut up. This is a huge waste of time.

All of you have terrible bedside manners,

you've been very unhelpful,

and you all are extremely talented vocalists.

And none of you should be doctors.

You all should have followed

your performing arts dreams instead.

Now, behold. I am your queen.

(bees gasping, buzzing)

Whew, Figgy's just left.

We had a good chat.

He seems kind of awesome.

Love him. (sighs)

I can't wait for him to meet me.

The real me.

BERTIE: So...

are you gonna take off that costume now?

Bertie, it took me a long time to get into character,

and it's gonna take me a long time to get out.

So I'm gonna go hit the clubs.

(dance music playing)

(phone beeps)

TUCA: You all must obey my wishes!

Tuca?

As your queen, I command you all

to stop wasting my time

and just tell me what's wrong with me!

Or else I'll have you all beheaded.

Get it? Bee-headed?

-Oh! Aah! -Tuca.

We've got to get you to a real hospital.

You heard her, take your queen

to a... (groaning) real hospital.

♪ ♪

(Tuca moaning)

(Bertie screaming)

(insects trilling)

Okay, this is just a quick cat scan.

Please don't sting me.

(all buzzing)

(cat yowling)

♪ ♪

You.

How could you do that to Tuca?

Oh, right.

You're Tuca's friend.

Georgette?

-Bertie. -Really? You look like a Georgette to me.

-I think I know my own name. -Huh.

Then who's Georgette?

Forget about Georgette!

Tuca was upset about you for months,

and you just disappeared. I mean, who does that?

She was too much for me. I had to take care of myself.

You know, Tuca would never say this,

because she has too much grace, but... get bent.

In the butthole, vagina and cloaca.

I only have a cloaca.

Why would I need three holes down there?

Ooh, my name is Kara.

I'm so fancy.

I do all my pee-pee poo-poos out of one hole.

I've lost the thread on which one of us

is the weird one in this world.

So those are the results.

If you have any follow-up questions,

you can call this number.

Okay. Thank you.

(groans)

(sighs)

Hey, Auntie.

Tuca, you're visiting early today.

Actually, I was here getting some tests, trying to figure out

why I feel so bad each month.

For the first time, I thought maybe I could find an answer

and feel just a little bit better, you know?

I'll try anything.

I'll butt-chug celery juice at every meal.

I don't care.

I just want to know what to do.

I have the same affliction, darling.

(chuckles)

Maybe that's why I'm such a bitch.

(chuckles)

I never got any explanation other than my "mean uterus"

and my "showoff-y ovaries."

(inhales)

Good for you trying to take care of yourself.

I gave up on finding an answer long, long ago.

But have you thought about losing ten pounds?

(both laugh)

Hurry, hurry.

Catch up to your family, blue beads.

Stragglers die of exposure in the cold of night.

Hey, how'd it go?

All the tests came back normal or inconclusive.

Aw, we could try a naturopath.

An integrative holistic healer?

Nah, Bertie, I quit.

This flare-up will end soon, and I'll feel fine

for a few days or weeks until it comes back.

Right now, I just want to go home.

Let's get out of here before we run into you-know-who.

Okay. Hmm, are you gonna see Figgy tonight?

I don't know.

I'm feeling more "I'm baby" hat than sombrero,

if you know what I mean.

I don't, but, Tuca, he seems like a great guy.

You should tell him what's going on with you.

I bet he'll be really cool with it.

Also, here's your phone back.

Don't look at your text history.

Oh, I never look at my text history.

There's such a thing as too much Tuca, even for Tuca.

(knocking)

Ta-da.

♪ ♪

It's perfect.

How did you know?

You told me.

Wow, the paint looks great.

It dried really fast, huh?

Says me, Figgy.

Yeah, I guess maybe it did, says I, Tuca.

Listen, I have something to tell you.

I have this cyclical, chronic thing that flares up.

It hurts a lot and makes me really depressed.

It's like the smallest, most boring roller coaster,

and I might be stuck on it for the rest of my life.

But I want to be honest with you.

I like all of you.

Every part of you put together, no matter whether those parts

are feeling good or bad.

Plus, we all have our weird body stuff.

I can even use the toilet in front of you,

if you really want.

I must warn you, it'll be extremely painful for me.

Lots of splinters.

-(Tuca laughs) -Also, I haven't really

talked to you about this before, but since we are being frank,

I drink a lot.

I know you drink. It's not a big deal.

Yeah, but it's a lot, more than you'd think.

Really? Because I can think a ton.

Okay, so maybe it is what you'd think.

I feel too sick to go to Horseville this weekend,

but can we go another time?

I really want to go.

♪ ♪

Ew! Why would you think this is what Horseville is?

Have you ever been to another city before?

Mmm. Horseville.

Of course. Horseville isn't going anywhere.

It'll always be there.

Like the Great Barrier Reef and the glaciers and the moon.

(Tuca groans)

Why don't you get in bed?

Can I make you a tea?

Put on a show you'd like to watch?

That would be really nice.

I like caring for other people, you know?

It makes me feel good.

So don't worry about being too much for me.

(sighs)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Pee-pee!

(dogs barking)