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1
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,360
DOOR KNOCKER RAPS AND SQUEAKS
2
00:00:13,140 --> 00:00:15,420
C'mon, if you're ready.
Stir yourself.
3
00:00:15,420 --> 00:00:19,560
You realise, I'm only learning
to do this for charity.
4
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,860
Get on with it.
5
00:00:21,860 --> 00:00:24,080
S'pose somebody's looking?
6
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:26,180
It's just you and me!
7
00:00:26,180 --> 00:00:29,040
I don't want that word
spreading round.
8
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,180
I'm not going to brag about it!
9
00:00:36,260 --> 00:00:38,360
DANCE MUSIC ON STEREO
10
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,700
C'mon, twinkle toes, follow me.
11
00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:45,700
# I'm an Indian outlaw
Half Cherokeean Chalktaw
12
00:00:45,700 --> 00:00:49,320
# My baby She's Ichikawa
She's one of a kind
13
00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,960
# All my friends call me Dirtcraw
14
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,460
# Village chief is my Papa
15
00:00:54,460 --> 00:00:58,500
# He gets his orders from my Mama
She makes him walk the line... #
16
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:00,840
Hey!
17
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,300
What now?
18
00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:05,880
Shouldn't be faffing about.
I should be bottoming that bedroom!
19
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,000
But it was your idea!
20
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,420
It was all right at the idea stage.
21
00:01:10,420 --> 00:01:13,840
It's a line dance.
We shan't have to get married.
22
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,500
Ooh!
23
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:23,074
-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-
24
00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:48,000
I sometimes wonder if I should
have married Rita Hayworth.
25
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,060
Her mother was all for it.
26
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:55,220
"Marry him," she said, "and you'll
never be short of excitement."
27
00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:59,060
"And look how well he maintains
his bicycle."
28
00:01:59,060 --> 00:02:02,880
How well would you have maintained
Rita Hayworth?
29
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,580
With only a bicycle repair outfit?
30
00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:10,160
She doted on me.
Wanted to buy me a new wheel.
31
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:13,640
You'd only have felt like a kept man.
32
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,800
Pity she didn't keep him.
33
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,260
It's a wonderful story.
34
00:02:18,260 --> 00:02:24,340
It has everything - romance,
bicycles. Where did you meet her?
35
00:02:24,340 --> 00:02:26,440
We went to the same chippy.
36
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:31,440
One night, she splashed me with
vinegar. She liked you with vinegar!
37
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,960
Did she try you with curry sauce?
38
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,700
Or a dip. You'd be ideal with a dip.
39
00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:38,920
Boy meets girl.
40
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:43,440
Girl splashes boy with vinegar.
41
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,120
I like a good love story.
42
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,340
Hits me every time.
43
00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:51,900
You're inclined to be sceptical,
you lot.
44
00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:58,700
PHONE RINGS
45
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:02,740
If that's Mr Teasdale,
don't tell him I'm playing golf.
46
00:03:02,740 --> 00:03:06,760
S'pose he asks? Lie, cheat,
improvise! Think of something!
47
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:10,620
316... Ooh, hello, Mr Teasdale!
48
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,620
We're fine, thank you.
49
00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:15,780
And yourself and Mrs Teasdale?
50
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,320
Barry? Barry's...
51
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:22,240
..nipped out for a moment.
52
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,620
Yes, that's right, it's his day off.
53
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,320
What does he do usually?
54
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,880
Sometimes he goes...
55
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:32,480
flying.
56
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,540
Oh, not flying!
57
00:03:34,540 --> 00:03:36,620
I mean, flying out.
58
00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:39,040
Sometimes we both go out.
59
00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,360
We do a bit of shopping.
60
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,780
Maybe go for a drive.
61
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,240
He likes to take the car for a run.
62
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:52,380
Yes, that's true.
Sometimes he plays...golf.
63
00:03:56,560 --> 00:04:02,360
The thing about Rita Hayworth
was, she was my size.
64
00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:06,740
Alvin, you shrunk Rita Hayworth?
65
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,340
What did Aly Khan have to say?
66
00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:14,360
It wasn't HIS Rita Hayworth.
It was a lass from Macclesfield.
67
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,620
Oh, the Macclesfield Rita Hayworth!
68
00:04:16,620 --> 00:04:20,020
I remember her not starring
in Gilda!
69
00:04:20,020 --> 00:04:23,180
Not opposite Glenn Ford. I saw that.
70
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,460
They wouldn't act with her
71
00:04:25,460 --> 00:04:29,160
due to her temperamental
reputation for throwing vinegar.
72
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,360
I was two-timing her.
73
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,020
I told her I always did that.
74
00:04:35,020 --> 00:04:38,880
Was it fair to confine all this
Alvin to just one woman?
75
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,960
Don't stare, it's rude.
76
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,980
Anyone would think we'd never seen
77
00:04:55,980 --> 00:04:59,040
a bloke up to his waist in water
strangling a swan before.
78
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,560
I think he's seeking attention.
79
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,620
The best thing is to ignore him.
80
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,160
How do!
81
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,260
How do!
82
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,200
Am I all right this way for Ilkley?
83
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,740
I wouldn't say it's your best route.
84
00:05:20,740 --> 00:05:24,240
I don't suppose you've got
a puncture outfit?
85
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,940
He's got a Swiss army pocket knife.
86
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,200
Name's Jolliffe. How do!
87
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,620
ALL: How do!
88
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:55,680
Are there many people round here
desperate to get wet?
89
00:05:55,680 --> 00:06:00,500
That's negative thinking. You've got
to point out the advantages.
90
00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:04,560
Of getting wet?
There must be some. Think!
91
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:07,380
I'm surprised you haven't got some.
92
00:06:07,380 --> 00:06:09,600
I'm better with a customer.
93
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,020
and I'm combat ready.
94
00:06:12,020 --> 00:06:13,680
Sharpens the reflexes.
95
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:17,760
It's not a customer you need -
it's a right muffin.
96
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,260
Here's one now!
97
00:06:21,780 --> 00:06:25,160
I don't like picking on him.
We're related.
98
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,800
Still - mustn't show favouritism.
99
00:06:30,020 --> 00:06:34,020
Are you ready to explore the wonders
of the underwater world?
100
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,360
Is it a bus trip? No.
101
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,940
It's wetter than that.
102
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:55,700
Oh. Aren't you a bit old to play
with rubber ducks? Ohh...
103
00:06:55,700 --> 00:07:00,420
A swan boat. Moonlight on the water,
just you and Howard...
104
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:05,060
I don't let him out by moonlight.
He's enough trouble during the day.
105
00:07:05,060 --> 00:07:11,120
Wives. I think they're all doing
Open University - reading suspicion.
106
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,000
Advanced.
107
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,220
And they pass.
108
00:07:15,220 --> 00:07:20,840
Now, Pearl, allow me to introduce
Leonard Jolliffe.
109
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,880
The swan man of Ilkley!
110
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,740
Never 'eard of 'im.
111
00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:31,720
Well no, I'm only just starting!
I haven't got there yet!
112
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,920
He's got a hole in his dinghy.
113
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,340
Certainly gives that impression.
114
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:42,400
You've got them as well -
prickly women. Yes - no shortage.
115
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:45,120
Mine comes complete with her sister.
116
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,300
She's got back-up!
117
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,080
Hello, stranger!
118
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,140
Are you waiting for me?
119
00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:04,000
For you - from me.
120
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,520
Oh...a rubber suit!
121
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:11,860
Oh, Howard, I've heard
about stuff like this!
122
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:18,760
It's a wetsuit!
I want you to wear it!
123
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:21,300
Shouldn't we wait till it's dry?
124
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,940
Oh! Ha ha! Hm.
125
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:29,240
I'd like you to meet my uncle
from Chesterfield.
126
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,420
Morning! Hiya!
127
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,340
Do you think they suspected anything?
128
00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:46,220
I didn't tell him you were playing
golf today.
129
00:08:46,220 --> 00:08:48,560
I just said you play it sometimes.
130
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:52,440
I think there's a leak
in our organisation.
131
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:56,200
Just go, while Mr Teasdale's
nowhere in sight!
132
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,240
Hold it!
133
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,580
Haven't you forgotten something?
134
00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:05,600
First-aid kit, mobile, distress
signal, operating theatre. No.
135
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,600
Come here, Barry!
136
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,860
He could be watching!
137
00:09:09,860 --> 00:09:14,120
Nobody's watching! And it's lawful -
you've got a marriage licence!
138
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,960
They endorse that for speeding.
139
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,040
Let's find out!
140
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:24,700
Phwoar.
141
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:28,680
I shall be a bag of nerves
on that first tee.
142
00:09:30,060 --> 00:09:32,620
For a golfer, that was a great kiss.
143
00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:34,680
They say it's all in the grip.
144
00:09:43,787 --> 00:09:45,347
Psst!
145
00:09:45,347 --> 00:09:47,747
Come in, Howard.
146
00:09:55,047 --> 00:09:59,087
Can I leave these here
for an hour, Cleggy?
147
00:09:59,087 --> 00:10:02,807
Pearl will never understand
the urge I have
148
00:10:02,807 --> 00:10:06,907
to explore the wonders
of the underwater world.
149
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:11,047
Pearl understands your urges
only too well, Howard.
150
00:10:12,507 --> 00:10:14,887
What...are you alone?
151
00:10:15,987 --> 00:10:17,987
Yes, Howard.
152
00:10:17,987 --> 00:10:20,467
We are alone at last.
153
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:23,967
Where are the others?
154
00:10:23,967 --> 00:10:27,447
Out there somewhere,
repairing a swan.
155
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:32,047
Serves me right for asking.
156
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:43,067
What are you doing with that thing?
157
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:45,867
Everything is in order, madam.
158
00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:49,307
We've been road testing that swan.
159
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:56,447
What's he doing in a frock?
160
00:10:56,447 --> 00:11:00,827
It's not a frock, missus. It's the
uniform of the Swan Man of Ilkley.
161
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,247
It looks like a frock.
162
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:09,587
Where did that come from?
Did someone rub an old lamp?
163
00:11:09,587 --> 00:11:12,207
You'll get used to her. You what?
164
00:11:12,207 --> 00:11:18,047
Her husband must have got used.
He died! Is that "getting used"?
165
00:11:18,047 --> 00:11:22,087
Eats out of my hand.
I'm teaching her line dancing.
166
00:11:22,087 --> 00:11:26,287
Sounds unnatural to me. Wouldn't
teaching her to smile be better?
167
00:11:26,287 --> 00:11:30,547
Hasn't the face for it. She keeps
it ready for the next Depression.
168
00:11:30,547 --> 00:11:32,427
She WAS the next Depression.
169
00:11:39,027 --> 00:11:44,167
He needs a hobby - a new interest.
They help in cases of depression.
170
00:11:45,307 --> 00:11:47,087
I'm not depressed.
171
00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:50,907
No, he always looks like that!
172
00:11:50,907 --> 00:11:52,887
What are his interests?
173
00:11:54,307 --> 00:11:56,287
Uh...
174
00:11:56,287 --> 00:11:59,827
Tell Miss Davenport
what you're interested in!
175
00:11:59,827 --> 00:12:02,007
What sets your motor running?
176
00:12:03,627 --> 00:12:05,787
What sort of thing amuses him?
177
00:12:05,787 --> 00:12:07,867
It's not easy to tell.
178
00:12:09,327 --> 00:12:13,367
I got quite interested...
when I had blood pressure.
179
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:15,887
I am surprised.
180
00:12:15,887 --> 00:12:19,367
Not just that you have pressure,
but blood!
181
00:12:19,367 --> 00:12:22,807
It was something to talk about.
182
00:12:22,807 --> 00:12:26,087
When people said, "How are you?",
183
00:12:26,087 --> 00:12:29,787
I got quite good at talking
blood pressure.
184
00:12:33,907 --> 00:12:35,707
Has my Howard been in?
185
00:12:35,707 --> 00:12:37,807
He said he was "researching".
186
00:12:37,807 --> 00:12:40,827
He took a book on snorkelling
and left.
187
00:12:40,827 --> 00:12:43,347
Does your Howard snorkel?!
188
00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:45,747
Mainly when he lies on his back.
189
00:12:47,287 --> 00:12:50,467
If anyone sees him, send him home.
190
00:12:50,467 --> 00:12:53,707
Would that be in your parameters?
191
00:12:53,707 --> 00:12:55,947
Do you like watersports?
192
00:12:55,947 --> 00:12:58,107
I had a goldfish.
193
00:12:58,107 --> 00:13:01,307
A goldfish? I hate that.
194
00:13:01,307 --> 00:13:04,927
People keeping goldfish.
I hate it at fairs.
195
00:13:04,927 --> 00:13:06,787
Fish in little bags.
196
00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:08,987
I loved it!
197
00:13:08,987 --> 00:13:12,687
He did. He cried when he buried it.
198
00:13:12,687 --> 00:13:15,087
He keeps a fin in his wallet.
199
00:13:15,987 --> 00:13:18,567
Gets followed by cats.
200
00:13:27,727 --> 00:13:31,507
Why Swan Man, Lenny?
Duckman doesn't do it for me.
201
00:13:33,267 --> 00:13:36,347
Sparrowman. That's more me!
202
00:13:37,507 --> 00:13:39,847
Red Spotted Woodpecker Man?
203
00:13:39,847 --> 00:13:44,807
I don't have any spots. You soon
will have, splashing in canals.
204
00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:50,047
I won't be long. I'll float up
and down a bit, talk to the swans,
205
00:13:50,047 --> 00:13:53,187
and in no time they'll call me...
206
00:13:53,187 --> 00:13:56,027
the Swan Man of Ilkley. A big one?
207
00:13:56,027 --> 00:13:58,287
People in white coats come.
208
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:04,967
And then I'll write
my autobiography.
209
00:14:04,967 --> 00:14:09,847
It will sell if it's called The Swan
Man Of Ilkley. A title like that?
210
00:14:09,847 --> 00:14:12,327
They'll be interested.
211
00:14:12,327 --> 00:14:14,527
What's the book about?
212
00:14:14,527 --> 00:14:16,947
Life in a pickle factory.
213
00:14:16,947 --> 00:14:18,767
You need a catchy title.
214
00:14:18,767 --> 00:14:21,847
The Pickle Man Of Ilkley.
I see his point.
215
00:14:22,327 --> 00:14:27,787
Are you up to speed on pickles?
Or is it another advertising ploy?
216
00:14:27,787 --> 00:14:30,607
I spent me life in pickles!
217
00:14:30,607 --> 00:14:34,767
I get fed up with people going,
"Lenny from the pickle factory."
218
00:14:34,767 --> 00:14:38,987
From now on, it will be, "There
'e goes, the Swan Man of Ilkley."
219
00:14:38,987 --> 00:14:44,327
I bet someone says,
"Didn't he used to be Lenny
from the pickle factory?"
220
00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:47,307
I'll wither 'em
with contemptuous silence.
221
00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:49,627
Sounds like home.
222
00:14:49,627 --> 00:14:54,107
First job is to reach Ilkley.
The swan boat looks past it.
223
00:14:54,107 --> 00:14:57,107
Appearances can be deceptive.
224
00:14:57,107 --> 00:14:59,867
This has been repaired.
225
00:14:59,867 --> 00:15:03,127
And subjected to rigorous testing.
226
00:15:03,227 --> 00:15:05,127
AIR ESCAPES FROM DINGHY'S VALVE
227
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:10,687
Ooh, look at this!
228
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:13,847
It's big for its size.
229
00:15:15,427 --> 00:15:17,667
Which one of you is Entwistle?
230
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,307
Only one I know is in Hong Kong.
231
00:15:20,307 --> 00:15:23,147
His name's on the truck.
232
00:15:23,147 --> 00:15:26,767
Oh, that Entwistle! Gone sick.
233
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:30,707
He'll be sick when he gets back -
sold my missus rubbish.
234
00:15:30,707 --> 00:15:34,427
AIR ESCAPES FROM DINGHY
235
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,907
Hard to believe of Dr Entwistle.
236
00:15:38,907 --> 00:15:40,407
Doctor?
237
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:45,027
PhD in electrical science.
Man of highest integrity.
238
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,987
He said it was nearly new.
239
00:15:47,987 --> 00:15:50,047
AIR ESCAPES
240
00:15:51,287 --> 00:15:55,647
That's your response, then, is it?
Taking the mickey?
241
00:15:55,647 --> 00:15:59,987
Cease, in the name
of the Swan Man of Ilkley!
242
00:15:59,987 --> 00:16:03,387
Come at me with a stick, would you?
243
00:16:07,327 --> 00:16:10,607
Here you are.
Do they never settle down?
244
00:16:10,607 --> 00:16:14,487
Why does Smiler want
a new interest at his age?
245
00:16:14,487 --> 00:16:17,927
You're doing line dancing!
Under pressure.
246
00:16:17,927 --> 00:16:22,507
The vicar wants to get a group
going. I wish I'd never said.
247
00:16:22,507 --> 00:16:25,307
I wish someone else had never said!
248
00:16:25,307 --> 00:16:27,467
I think that's nice, Mrs Batty.
249
00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:30,067
It'll do you good. Do you enjoy it?
250
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:32,467
I am not enjoying it.
251
00:16:32,467 --> 00:16:35,807
I'll challenge anyone who says I am.
252
00:16:35,807 --> 00:16:40,507
I'm not having people thinking
I'm some silly fluffy-headed bimbo!
253
00:16:40,507 --> 00:16:45,327
I don't think you're
in much danger of that.
254
00:16:45,327 --> 00:16:50,287
But if you end up going down that
route, I'm available for advice.
255
00:16:50,287 --> 00:16:56,087
Don't get her going. She'll
blame me. You opened your mouth.
256
00:16:56,087 --> 00:17:00,007
It's line dancing!
You're not lap dancing.
257
00:17:00,007 --> 00:17:04,687
Not yet. Once you get your feet
on the slippery slope...
258
00:17:15,687 --> 00:17:19,887
I'll say this much for the Swan Man -
he can move in that frock.
259
00:17:19,887 --> 00:17:22,447
Will he return for this old boat?
260
00:17:22,447 --> 00:17:26,267
At the speed he was travelling,
he'll be back any minute.
261
00:17:26,267 --> 00:17:30,707
Good job that fella went after him.
Saved me having to throw him out.
262
00:17:30,707 --> 00:17:33,487
My instinct is to duck.
263
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:37,627
But if you've got the nerve to go
line dancing with Nora Batty...
264
00:17:37,627 --> 00:17:40,347
That's the bravest thing I've heard.
265
00:17:40,347 --> 00:17:42,367
Just need a firm hand.
266
00:17:42,367 --> 00:17:46,947
I told the missus that. "I'll be
master in my own four walls," I said.
267
00:17:46,947 --> 00:17:50,087
When I stop sleeping in the shed.
268
00:17:57,347 --> 00:18:00,967
Good job he were out of condition.
269
00:18:03,327 --> 00:18:07,707
Off you go, Barry. May be rusty -
I've not played for a while.
270
00:18:07,707 --> 00:18:10,487
Nobody's counting, Mr Teasdale.
271
00:18:10,487 --> 00:18:12,127
Herman.
272
00:18:12,127 --> 00:18:13,787
Herman.
273
00:18:19,427 --> 00:18:21,727
Just relax and enjoy.
274
00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:25,227
You can be too self-critical
at this game.
275
00:18:25,227 --> 00:18:27,227
I'm not happy with this grip.
276
00:18:27,227 --> 00:18:29,307
Ever have trouble with your grip?
277
00:18:29,307 --> 00:18:32,067
Only on Mrs Teasdale!
278
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:34,187
Huh? Oh. Oh, right!
279
00:18:34,187 --> 00:18:37,387
No point being too serious -
it's only a game.
280
00:18:37,387 --> 00:18:39,647
I didn't mean that.
281
00:18:46,707 --> 00:18:49,227
Ah, that's not great.
282
00:18:49,227 --> 00:18:51,507
You're going to show me up.
283
00:18:51,507 --> 00:18:53,887
Butterfly.
284
00:18:53,887 --> 00:18:55,927
I can't resist a butterfly.
285
00:18:55,927 --> 00:18:58,187
Oh! Oh, I like that.
286
00:18:58,187 --> 00:19:02,527
So relaxed about your golf, you
have time to notice a butterfly.
287
00:19:02,527 --> 00:19:04,947
Wish I could be like that!
288
00:19:11,027 --> 00:19:13,507
RUMBLE OF GOLF BAG WHEELS
289
00:19:15,307 --> 00:19:17,507
Why don't we let them play through?
290
00:19:17,507 --> 00:19:19,767
You're a gentleman.
291
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:24,427
Eh...if you can't take your time
and enjoy it, what's the point?
292
00:19:27,287 --> 00:19:31,167
Will Smiler be any good at it
if he finds a new interest?
293
00:19:31,167 --> 00:19:34,527
I bet it wasn't his idea
to find an interest.
294
00:19:34,527 --> 00:19:38,807
I can't imagine him showing enough
interest in finding an interest.
295
00:19:38,807 --> 00:19:43,227
If you're not watching every minute,
they find their own interest.
296
00:19:43,227 --> 00:19:46,167
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
297
00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:50,367
I asked Smiler in the library
what he was interested in.
298
00:19:50,367 --> 00:19:55,587
He wouldn't say. No. Mine won't
either. He looked confused.
299
00:19:55,587 --> 00:19:58,727
Like Barry if you ask
what he wants to eat.
300
00:19:58,727 --> 00:20:03,107
At least we discouraged Smiler
from getting another goldfish.
301
00:20:03,107 --> 00:20:05,287
I can't stand cruelty to goldfish.
302
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:11,327
And bullfighting. But bullfighters
have a prettier uniform.
303
00:20:11,327 --> 00:20:15,147
That's the only excuse Howard's
not come up with.
304
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:17,347
"I'm going bullfighting."
305
00:20:17,347 --> 00:20:19,547
Do you think there's any danger?
306
00:20:19,547 --> 00:20:21,587
Not really.
307
00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:24,367
He'd lose against the goldfish.
308
00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:29,027
Are you sure that talking Smiler
out of a goldfish was wise?
309
00:20:29,027 --> 00:20:31,887
They'd make an ideal couple.
310
00:20:31,887 --> 00:20:36,227
I don't believe you should have
a pet unless you can cuddle it.
311
00:20:36,227 --> 00:20:39,347
That's been my working principle.
312
00:20:39,347 --> 00:20:42,207
Is there a danger
of wearing them out?
313
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:46,527
I hope no-one thinks
that's why Howard's less than huge.
314
00:20:46,527 --> 00:20:50,327
Did Miss Davenport find out
what Smiler might be interested in?
315
00:20:50,327 --> 00:20:54,207
Country and Western!
He likes cowboy music!
316
00:20:54,207 --> 00:20:57,667
He's always wanted to sing
with a horse!
317
00:20:57,667 --> 00:21:01,047
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
318
00:21:01,047 --> 00:21:03,987
Oh no!
319
00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:21,067
Why does Swan Man need boat?
320
00:21:21,067 --> 00:21:24,247
You've got to advertise.
Image is everything.
321
00:21:24,247 --> 00:21:26,607
You float in this, they'll notice.
322
00:21:26,607 --> 00:21:30,827
Why does Swan Man
need boat that sinks?
323
00:21:34,707 --> 00:21:36,947
Sound as a bell, now.
324
00:21:36,947 --> 00:21:40,547
Floats like a bell?!
Is that encouraging?
325
00:21:40,547 --> 00:21:44,347
He's only going to Ilkley.
You could get to Norway in that.
326
00:21:44,347 --> 00:21:48,687
Bird Man of Norway? I don't think so!
327
00:21:52,147 --> 00:21:56,067
Cut-throats. They bleed a lot.
328
00:21:56,067 --> 00:21:58,227
Do you mind, when I'm eating?
329
00:21:58,227 --> 00:22:00,427
Can't be squeamish, lad.
330
00:22:00,427 --> 00:22:03,027
Push through the gagging barrier.
331
00:22:03,027 --> 00:22:05,947
Be prepared for unpleasantness.
332
00:22:05,947 --> 00:22:08,587
Like Chief Inspector?
333
00:22:08,587 --> 00:22:10,267
Worse.
334
00:22:10,267 --> 00:22:12,367
Maybe not worse, but different.
335
00:22:12,367 --> 00:22:16,227
What's the worst thing
you've seen squashed on a road?
336
00:22:16,227 --> 00:22:19,707
Me foot. Truck backed over it.
337
00:22:19,707 --> 00:22:22,527
Should have applied his foot brake.
338
00:22:22,527 --> 00:22:26,067
It's a laugh a minute with you.
339
00:22:26,067 --> 00:22:28,427
World needs a laugh!
340
00:22:28,427 --> 00:22:30,887
World needs romance.
341
00:22:30,887 --> 00:22:34,667
Do you think there's as much romance
about as there used to be?
342
00:22:34,667 --> 00:22:36,847
Not in our house.
343
00:22:36,847 --> 00:22:42,047
It's sad. When did you last see
a couple holding hands?
344
00:22:51,547 --> 00:22:54,787
Right - press her down.
345
00:22:54,787 --> 00:22:56,667
Check for bubbles.
346
00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:59,507
Bubbles? True love! I like it!
347
00:22:59,507 --> 00:23:02,847
You enjoyed your time in Vice Squad!
348
00:23:04,287 --> 00:23:07,647
I used to know Bubbles.
She was a stripper.
349
00:23:07,647 --> 00:23:09,907
Thy never knew a stripper!
350
00:23:09,907 --> 00:23:14,127
I worked with her. Alvin was a
stripper? Not many people know that.
351
00:23:14,127 --> 00:23:16,587
Not many people want to know that.
352
00:23:16,587 --> 00:23:20,787
Now you're working with another
Bubbles - lucky Alvin!
353
00:23:20,787 --> 00:23:23,087
She was a paint stripper!
354
00:23:23,087 --> 00:23:26,887
I thought Mrs Truelove
could do that with her tongue.
355
00:23:26,887 --> 00:23:31,487
She went to the same school as my
missus. Still sleeping in the shed?
356
00:23:31,487 --> 00:23:34,167
Only when we have company.
357
00:23:34,167 --> 00:23:37,947
You showed her who's boss.
You have to.
358
00:23:37,947 --> 00:23:40,107
It's going to be famous, my boat.
359
00:23:40,107 --> 00:23:42,767
She'll end up in a museum.
360
00:23:42,767 --> 00:23:46,547
Not the pickle factory?
No, I've retired.
361
00:23:46,547 --> 00:23:49,507
Now I'm able to live the dream.
362
00:23:49,507 --> 00:23:52,027
Wise man books wake-up call.
363
00:23:54,007 --> 00:23:57,047
Who let go of the boat?
C'mon, who let go of the boat?
364
00:24:02,347 --> 00:24:05,047
Right, man.
365
00:24:05,047 --> 00:24:07,367
Get hold of this, Alvin.
366
00:24:07,367 --> 00:24:09,467
Did we vote on this?
367
00:24:09,467 --> 00:24:11,087
I demand a recount.
368
00:24:11,087 --> 00:24:15,107
You'll be all right. You're used
to swinging through trees.
369
00:24:15,107 --> 00:24:16,647
Suppose I miss?
370
00:24:16,647 --> 00:24:20,667
Nah. Who's going to miss
at this distance?
371
00:24:20,667 --> 00:24:24,227
Answers on a postcard, please!
372
00:24:24,227 --> 00:24:27,187
The winner gets to dry Alvin.
373
00:24:27,187 --> 00:24:30,847
Watch the boat. Don't hurt the boat.
374
00:24:30,847 --> 00:24:35,367
Of course. I'm touched
by all your concern, Lenny.
375
00:24:35,367 --> 00:24:39,987
You'll be all right! I plan these
things down to the last detail!
376
00:24:39,987 --> 00:24:43,927
Ooh! I don't like that word, "last"!
377
00:24:43,927 --> 00:24:47,847
Do you? If you're going to do
dangerous things,
378
00:24:47,847 --> 00:24:51,327
the "last" word is the last word
you want to hear!
379
00:24:51,327 --> 00:24:58,067
Stop cheering him up!
You're undermining his brave
and daring...what's the word?
380
00:24:58,067 --> 00:25:00,187
Stupidity.
381
00:25:00,187 --> 00:25:01,627
That's it.
382
00:25:01,627 --> 00:25:03,927
Is he wearing anything sharp?
383
00:25:03,927 --> 00:25:08,627
He's had no connection with anything
sharp for as long as I can remember.
384
00:25:08,627 --> 00:25:11,587
Off you go. Right.
385
00:25:11,587 --> 00:25:14,887
One, two, three...go!
386
00:25:14,887 --> 00:25:17,327
BRANCH CREAKS
387
00:25:21,887 --> 00:25:25,807
I'm dry! I landed on my nose,
but I'm dry!
388
00:25:26,827 --> 00:25:29,847
Let his nose wreck him, we decided.
389
00:25:29,847 --> 00:25:34,887
These things are planned to the last
detail. Has he got a sharp nose?
390
00:25:34,887 --> 00:25:36,547
Not any more!
391
00:25:36,547 --> 00:25:39,667
I don't want anything sharp
in that swan boat.
392
00:25:39,667 --> 00:25:42,687
He has distinguished squashed nose.
393
00:25:42,687 --> 00:25:46,147
Distinguished
for its breaking power.
394
00:25:46,147 --> 00:25:50,227
Stage one - give Alvin nose burn.
395
00:25:50,227 --> 00:25:54,307
Stage two - get the boat to shore.
396
00:25:54,307 --> 00:25:56,447
How do I do that?
397
00:25:56,447 --> 00:26:00,767
Come along, Bubbles.
Let's hear the captain speak.
398
00:26:00,767 --> 00:26:02,827
Quite simple.
399
00:26:02,827 --> 00:26:06,207
Here - catch this.
400
00:26:08,227 --> 00:26:10,927
Oh-oh-oh!
401
00:26:10,927 --> 00:26:15,427
GURGLING UNDERWATER
Butterfingers.
402
00:26:15,427 --> 00:26:17,627
In you go, Lenny. Fetch your boat.
403
00:26:17,627 --> 00:26:19,707
I'm not swinging out there!
404
00:26:19,707 --> 00:26:22,907
I don't want Lenny landing on me!
405
00:26:22,907 --> 00:26:27,527
It was never this much fun
in the pickle factory. Relax.
406
00:26:27,527 --> 00:26:30,607
Everything's under control.
407
00:26:30,607 --> 00:26:34,307
This is a well-planned operation.
408
00:26:35,607 --> 00:26:38,427
Here, Alvin. Catch this.
409
00:26:40,027 --> 00:26:44,227
Tie it to the swan
and let me have it.
410
00:27:09,807 --> 00:27:11,707
Give us the rope. It's going fine.
411
00:27:13,387 --> 00:27:17,427
Can you catch, Lenny?
Never dropped a pickle.
412
00:27:18,927 --> 00:27:21,127
Boat coming!
413
00:27:39,467 --> 00:27:41,767
Hey! Hey!
414
00:27:43,067 --> 00:27:44,767
Hey!
415
00:27:47,187 --> 00:27:50,887
The hitch-hiking Swan Man of Ilkley.
416
00:27:50,887 --> 00:27:53,547
He'll get there in no time.
417
00:27:53,547 --> 00:27:56,827
You want to bear right after Otley!
418
00:28:10,167 --> 00:28:12,167
Do you think he's barmy?
419
00:28:12,167 --> 00:28:14,327
No - just a little eccentric.
420
00:28:14,327 --> 00:28:16,767
Ha! As barmy as that!
421
00:28:16,767 --> 00:28:18,987
Absolutely.
422
00:28:18,987 --> 00:28:22,687
Trouble with world -
no time to sit and think
423
00:28:22,687 --> 00:28:26,567
about buying reconditioned
washing machine.
424
00:28:29,067 --> 00:28:31,527
# Half Cherokeean Chalktaw
425
00:28:31,527 --> 00:28:35,127
# My baby she's Ichikawa
She's one of a kind. #
426
00:28:46,347 --> 00:28:49,187
Hey! He-hey!
427
00:28:49,187 --> 00:28:52,047
'Hey!'
428
00:28:53,305 --> 00:29:53,408
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