Original subtitles

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

NARRATOR: Previously on Tropical Hospital...

Dr. Blaine found Dr. Adrian's coconut bra

was full of something other than coconut meat.

And will we find out that it was Dr. D'Adrienne

who crashed the banana boat ambulance?

-Stay tuned for more drama... -(BEEPING)

NARRATOR: ...more questions, and more prescription

pina coladas on the next Tropical Hospital.

-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -(GASPS)

Oh, who knew teen doctors

had such dramatic, sexually driven lives?

Yeah, but I don't think surgery is normally done

in hammocks.

-♪ (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Are you looking

for the easiest path to fame and fortune

without having to put in years of hard work?

-No. -Yes!

NARRATOR: Then Tropical Hospital wants you!

We are looking for hot, young writers,

directors, actors and best boys. Winners will fly standby

to North Hollywood where they'll be offered

a ten-year non-union internship.

This week, our talent scout will be in--

AUTOMATED VOICE: Exclamation. USA.

-(GASPS) -So get ready

to put on a show,

because this might be your only chance to achieve

-your dreams-- -And escape a basic bitch life

and the shadow of my trailblazing clone mother

and also become famous and out of touch forever!

ROOMBA: Error! Error! Error!

(BEEPING)

And I know the perfect play!

"Twister: The Game: The Musical!"

Wait a minute. You wrote a musical

-based on Twister? The game? -I did.

And I think you and JFK would be perfect for the leads.

What? I mean, you're my best friend

and I'd do anything for you, but I'm not an actor.

You don't have to act. You and JFK already have

such white-hot sexual chemistry.

We are White and hot.

But I'm a jock.

If I do a musical, the team will razz me.

You can totally do both, bro!

Football should not define you as a person.

And we'll be front row center opening night to support you!

Thanks, team.

Your fourth-string kicker won't let you down!

What do you say, baby? Will you take me

to be your leading man? Not just in life,

and in the backseat of my Kia Sportage

during lunch hour, but also on the stage!

Oh, I hate musicals, but okay!

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ Let's sing Instead of speaking ♪

♪ It'll make the exposition Way more interesting ♪

-♪ Let's sing ♪ -♪ Let's sing ♪

-♪ Our thoughts and feelings ♪ -♪ Thoughts and feelings ♪

♪ Let's use melody And rhythm while communicating ♪

♪ Information that the audience Needs to know ♪

♪ Like what each one Of us is hoping ♪

♪ To achieve By putting on this show ♪

♪ The premise of which was Set up in the previous scene ♪

-♪ Let's go! ♪ -♪ This is my chance ♪

♪ To finally get Onto Hollywood's A-list ♪

♪ This is my chance To make out with Joan ♪

♪ In front of an audience ♪

♪ This is my chance ♪

♪ To be an undervalued Production designer ♪

♪ This is our chance to be ♪

♪ Famous uncredited Background dancers ♪

Wait, background?

♪ This is my chance To help my new bestie ♪

♪ Achieve her stupid dream ♪

♪ This is my chance To sing about ♪

♪ How this is my chance To do something ♪

♪ And that's pretty much Everything you need to know ♪

♪ What about me White silence is violence ♪

-♪ I should be in the show ♪ -Hell, no!

♪ This song is about to end And this thing is gonna stop ♪

♪ And we'll go back to speaking All the dialogue ♪

♪ Now! ♪

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(WHISTLES)

♪ ("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG" BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪

♪ Way, way back in the 1980s Secret government employees ♪

♪ Dug up famous Guys and ladies ♪

♪ And made amusing Genetic copies ♪

♪ Then the clones as teens Were frozen ♪

♪ Thawed out decades later why? ♪

♪ Back for reasons They're not disclosin' ♪

♪ Giving high school Another try ♪

♪ It's time to watch Clone High ♪

♪ Energetic and engaging Clone High ♪

♪ Our angst is entertaining Clone High ♪

♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

Did you know about this, Cinnamon?

The clones are putting on a theatrical play

with songs with some talking, but mostly songs!

Ooh, that sounds wonderful!

They just destroyed the hallway

with a spontaneous musical number.

We could have a Footloose situation

on our hands!

Can't you do anything right?

Well, I did create an entire friggin' school of clones!

So I'd say, a-duh, yeah.

I guess I can do something right.

Get this under control before they compromise

our entire operation.

-(DOOR SLAMMING) -What was she saying, Mr. B?

I was momentarily bewitched.

Musicals cause chaos.

-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Ah, the chaos

that traditionally stems from musical theater.

How do we prevent this?

Maybe just be good at your job.

That's it, Mr. B. A show of strength!

All we need is someone very weak

to make me look strong by contrast.

You there, creepy boy! Are you in the school play?

I auditioned and I didn't get a part.

Well, I have a role for you.

Yes! You don't know how much this mea--

And I don't want to know. (EXHALES DEEPLY)

I don't love when they're happy, Mr. B.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Real World, Road Rules. Real World, Road Rules.

All right, people! The Tropical Hospital scout

will be here in three days. It's rehearsal time.

And pretend.

"Left Hand on Blue, marry me. We can finally bring peace

to Twister City."

"I do love peace, but I don't love you.

I must follow my heart, which is red.

-Just like Right Hand on Red." -(INHALES DEEPLY)

"I may have lost feeling in my legs,

but I'll always feel love for you,

-Left Hand on Blue. -♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SIGHS)

(LOUD SMOOCHING)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Cut, yeah. Cut! Wonderful. Wow. Let-- let's take a break.

-Are you sure that was okay? -That was great.

Um, but there's one tiny thing that's a big thing.

Uh, can you close your eyes when you kiss?

Eyes closed? Huh, interesting concept.

Yeah, just 'cause when they're open,

it's-- it's a little hostage-y, you know?

-In a good way? -I mean, you know,

it is a choice. And I love when actors make choices,

but maybe we make

a different, better choice next time?

I'm sorry. I'm messing up your big thing.

No! No, no, no. You're doing great, Joan.

I just feel like my instincts are off.

Don't be silly. (CHUCKLES)

Your instincts are great, bestie.

Uh, listen. I still haven't cast the role of Mayor Spinner,

who looms over the Color War.

I'd love to know who you think would be good.

This might be a terrible idea, but what about casting Abe?

He's tall and good at uncomfortable looming.

Huh...

-Hi. -Abe! (CHUCKLES)

You're perfect for Mayor Spinner but if you're busy,

-that's totally fine. -Really?

Because I was just thinking I deserve a primary role

in this play. The theater's in my blood,

and my blood is sprayed all over the theater.

Casting Abe is brilliant. You have great ideas.

Thanks, bestie.

That's the confidence boost I needed.

BOTH: Mm.

Okay, folks. Let's put on a show!

I'm a lead in the production, so I can have as much as I want.

-HARRIET TUBMAN: Hmm. -♪ (SOFT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Okay, dancers. Rehearsal time. Five, six, seven, eight.

-(ALL WHIMPER) -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

We'll never get this dance right.

And I'll never get on Tropical Hospital.

Or have the chance to marry for money.

Let's just quit and never try again.

Guys, I've been in this business a long time.

Ten whole minutes.

You just gotta throw yourselves into the role like me.

As one of the stars of this production,

let me give you some advice.

Just be yourself and you'll be amazing.

Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop!

Boop! (WHISTLES)

I don't get it. Abe can't sing, can't dance

and yet he carries himself with such bravado.

Sacagawea's right. What's he got that we don't?

Isn't it obvious?

That boy's got White Guy Confidence.

-White what now? -Please elaborate through song.

♪ You can be dangerously Underqualified ♪

♪ Yet think you fit the bill ♪

♪ 'Cause you're The Michael Jordan ♪

♪ Of overestimating your skill Your name is maybe ♪

♪ Josh, Cody, Stewart, Tod or Chad ♪

♪ You think you're an expert In something ♪

♪ 'Cause you heard it On a podcast ♪

♪ You never say you're sorry Never admit that you're wrong ♪

♪ You can't carry a tune Yet you insist on singing ♪

-♪ The song ♪ -♪ The song ♪

Nailed it.

FRIDA KAHLO: ♪ 'Cause you got that ♪

♪ White Guy Confidence ♪

♪ That comes with Lower levels of melanin ♪

♪ A life of Systemic structural advantages ♪

♪ Can make you think You're amazing ♪

♪ When you're average ♪

♪ And you can take credit When no credit is due ♪

♪ 'Cause with White Guy Confidence ♪

-♪ The world belongs to you ♪ -♪ You ♪

(IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING)

But how can us non-Joshes

gain the same unearned confidence?

Well, in Tropical Hospital, Dr. Orlando drank

Dr. Corey's sweat to get out of the quicksand.

Oh, we can steal someone's sweat,

then distill it and ingest it.

It might give us the same blind courage.

But where we gonna find a White guy that sweaty?

(SCATTING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

-Ten on blue-- -There's my Hollywood queen.

All right, guys. Take five.

Say, I'm so glad we talked earlier.

I really appreciate our creative partnership.

Anyway, can I run another great idea by you?

-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Nothing would make me happier!

I was thinking Left Hand on Blue should wear brown...

-Uh-huh. -...because she's torn

between Right Hand on Red and Left Foot on Green.

-Okay. Uh-huh. -Those colors make brown.

It'll show I'm remaining neutral...

(WHIMPERS, LAUGHS)

And Tropical Hospital will love

that it also says something important.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(EXHALES DEEPLY) That is a great idea.

In fact, it might be too great. I wonder if Left Hand on Blue

wearing brown just might be confusing.

You're right. No, you're right. It's a-- it's a stupid idea.

I'll merge back into my "just-friends-

and-not-trusted- collaborators" lane

and stay there.

Ugh. No, no! Your idea just--

needed to boomerang around in my brain.

Really? Collaborating with friends is the best.

And I can't wait to share all my great ideas.

Oh, there's more? Can't wait. (CHUCKLES)

♪ (ORCHESTRA CRESCENDOS, STOPS) ♪

(GRUNTS)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

-ALL: Ooh. -(CLEOPATRA GASPS)

(ALL GROAN)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

You stole my best gal and now you're going to pay!

You're the one that's going to pay...

with your life!

Clones! I won't allow this chaos in my hallways.

-Stay out of this, old man. -Chop! Chop!

I am the principal of this school.

Let it be known, that all theatrics shall

remain confined to the auditorium!

(SCOFFS) We care not for your rules.

-I bet you'll care about this! -(WHIMPERS)

Pick on someone your own size.

(PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH AND MR. BUTLERTRON GRUNTING)

-SCUDWORTH: Karate! -(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

(CLICKING, CHIRPING)

Nauseating.

Tell your friends this school will not be overrun

by the performative antics of an artsy-fartsy minority,

footloosing about!

-(SCREAMS) -(ALL CHEER)

-(OBJECTS CLATTERING) -(ALL APPLAUDING)

See, Candide, they got the message.

The only message here is, you're a moron!

Look! Because of you, the hallway is trashed again!

Just when I think my opinion of you

couldn't sink any lower, it does.

Much, much lower.

-(GRUNTS) -(ALL GASP)

(GASPS, SCREAMS)

The spinning makes it worse.

-♪ (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Since you were so in love

with my ideas earlier,

I wanted to repay you by doing something original

that will blow the scout away. Curtain up!

-♪ (SOFT ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -♪ (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(MONKEYS SCREECHING)

(YELLS)

JOAN OF ARC: I realized why my performance

was feeling so weird.

It's because the rest of the play

wasn't equally weird.

Huh? I did a little rewrite to get us all on the same page.

Do you love it? Are you freaking out?

(CHUCKLES) I am freaking out.

My face feels hot, but my body is cold.

-(GASPS) Uh, I-- -♪ (EERIE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

-I hate it! -(GASPS)

-I so, so hate it! -(YELLS)

But you said you loved my ideas.

Yeah! I lied because I love you.

You're not being a great friend if you can't handle

a few creative changes to help your play.

(DONKEY BRAYING)

You're gonna ruin my chance to get on Tropical Hospital

with all your navel-gazing garbage!

I don't want sand, or wheat women!

-(GRUNTS) -(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

I want sexy costumes and open-mouth kissing

-with closed eyes. -♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

But that's just dumb!

Exactly. That's why it's good.

Dumb is fun and entertaining and it buys pools.

I am fine with that being my art!

Well, then I'm fine with quitting.

And I'm fine with you quitting because I was about to fire you!

Fine! Then I'm taking my hourglass, my wheat women,

-and JFK with me. -You can't take JFK.

He's the only good actor in the show!

-Girls! Girls! -(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

The is not the kind of three-way I'm into.

-(GRUNTS) -Vegas, baby!

Golden parachutes!

-Storming the Capitol. -Golf!

-(GRUNTS, GASPS) -(GRUNTS)

-(ALL SCREAM) -♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Ow! You fell on my bad ear!

♪ (TUNE PLAYS ON FLUTE) ♪

(LAUGHS, GROANS)

-(GROANS) -(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(ALL CLAMOR)

(FIRE BELL RINGING)

(GASPS)

-♪ (TENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -What's wrong with you clones?

I tried to be supportive like the principal

in High School Musical. But then you go all Footloose,

like in the film Can't Hardly Wait.

From this day forward, all performances are banned!

That includes the band!

Now, everyone disband. Why do I keep saying "band"?

Everyone, get the fuck out! The play is over.

-♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(BOTH GRUNT)

(AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHING)

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

What's the matter, Joanie? You've barely touched

your cold veggie and fish oil quiche.

I don't get it.

All I did was make a few major creative changes

behind Harriet's back and insulted her

one and only dream, and I'm the villain here.

A villain? No, baby. You dug in, you learned nothing

and you didn't apologize.

-You're the hero of this story. -Exactly. Wait, what?

Quiches, I've got the sexy kind that everyone likes.

And my wife Curly has some bland, but important ones.

That’s right, Mops. They're hard to swallow

and even harder to digest.

(ALL GASP, EXCLAIM)

Nobody wants my cold, experimental quiche.

(GROANS) It make sense to me now.

As everyone knows, a quiche is like a play.

And Harriet was trying to deliver a hot and sexy quiche

because she knows what people want.

And I tried to make her play cold and flavorless

and hard to swallow.

Look! Is that the Tropical Hospital scout?

-Eating a hot, sexy quiche. -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

STEVE KERR: Mm. This hot, sexy quiche is delicious

or I'm not the scout from Tropical Hospital.

He doesn't know our play's been cancelled.

We need to save a play. And a friendship.

ACTOR: Inject me with your love, stat!

Play is back on! Get dance routine right!

A lot of pressure. Stakes still high.

For the play and my relationship with Harriet.

(DOOR CLOSING)

But we're still terrible at the dance routine.

Abe's sweat was just gross.

It didn't instantly make us good at dancing.

We've tried every quick fix.

Frida, what gives you the confidence to be so good

at skate boarding and painting and chilling.

I don't know, Confucius.

Guess it's just hard work and practice.

-Hard work and practice? -Sounds like a fool's errand.

You're stupid, Frida.

We tried practicing

the dance routine, but we failed.

Did y'all try practicing a second time?

Oh, let me guess. "'Cause practice makes perfect."

No. There's no such thing as perfect.

Practice makes progress.

That's a dumb saying.

You're dumb. This is dumb. Everything's dumb.

But, okay, we'll try.

Five, six, seven, eight.

-Step and clap-- -(ALL GRUNT)

That felt better!

-To the play! -(ALL CHEER)

♪ ("GO DOWN TOGETHER" BY FOXING PLAYING) ♪

-(SOBS, EXCLAIMS) -Well, Scudworth.

I hate to admit it,

but you actually did something to show

you have some level of control over the students.

I think shutting down the play was the first smart thing

you've ever done.

Ah!

The fact that you hate to admit that

means the world to me.

What say you and me quiche and makeup?

-(THUDDING) -STAGE HAND: Put the set over there.

JOAN: Hey! Where are the costumes?

What is that ruckus?

The clones are performing a musical on our roof.

-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -You idiot!

They're still performing the play!

You don't have control over anything.

You can quiche my respect goodbye.

-♪ (TENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -Sexy. And hot!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(PANTS) I got here as fast as I could.

Am I too late to enter the Teen Models

-Giving Monologues Competition? -Harriet, I lied.

There is no Teen Models Giving Monologues Competition.

-That's tomorrow. -Joan,

you better have a sound, ulterior motive for tricking me.

I do. A big public apology.

I thought that instead of doing a fun, sexy,

superficial play, a part of you wanted to do an

esoteric think piece. But I was wrong.

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I know I'm the clone of Harriet Tubman,

but that doesn't mean I can't have fun,

silly stories too.

I got it all wrong, and the simple fact is,

I never should have been the star of your play.

But I do know who'd be perfect as Left Hand on Blue.

-Who? (GASPS) -You! That's who.

ALL: Aww!

But that means I have to kiss Right Hand on Red, JFK!

But, Joan, my heart only belongs to you.

As do my lips and my unmentionables,

which I'll mention now. My penis, my testicles,

my area between my penis and my testicles--

JFK, it's not cheating if it's acting.

And, Harriet, there's no one I'd rather have

kiss my boyfriend in a parking lot

full of strangers than you.

(SNIFFLES) So beautiful.

Jo-Jo, I'll be kissing JFK, but... (INHALES DEEPLY)

...but I'll be thinking of you the whole time. Hit it!

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ Welcome everyone to our city ♪

♪ Please remove your shoes And wipe your feet ♪

♪ There are four neighborhoods Red, Yellow, Blue, Green ♪

♪ They'll twist you up Like plasticine ♪

♪ So stretch your legs And watch your back ♪

♪ You better have the balance Of an acrobat ♪

♪ This smells like vinyl And is super flat ♪

♪ Welcome To the city of plastic mat ♪

Choreography time! Places!

This is it. We've practiced two whole times.

We're ready, let's do this.

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -(ALL BREATHE HEAVILY)

-That's all we learned! -(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Wow! Nice choreography.

This isn't a game, Left Foot on Green.

Stop! Only Mayor Spinner can help you decide your fate.

Just don't fall down! (CHUCKLES)

Left Hand on Love. God, I'm such a good actor.

♪ I'm all twisted up ♪

♪ I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I'm reaching out for Red ♪

♪ But my heart Is with Green too ♪

♪ If I try to love them both ♪

♪ You see I'll fall To the ground ♪

♪ Being caught between Red and Green ♪

♪ Makes a Blue girl feel brown ♪

♪ My heart is in a twister ♪

BOTH: ♪ And you are to blame My heart is in a twister ♪

♪ Not referring to the movie With Helen Hunt ♪

♪ I'm referring to the game ♪

♪ I've never kissed anyone Who is quite like you ♪

♪ But my heart is telling me ♪

♪ To plant my upper And lower lips on Blue ♪

(AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHING)

(DOG BARKING)

(BABY CRYING)

-(GASPS) -ALL: ♪ My heart Is in a twister ♪

♪ And you are to blame My heart is in a twister ♪

♪ Not referring to the movie With Helen Hunt ♪

♪ I'm referring to the game ♪

(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Mm. Eyes open?

What a show. Wow!

(ALL SOB)

Quite frankly, I'm glad these clones went Footloose!

MR. BUTLERTRON: Bravo.

That was the best rooftop diner amateur play I have ever seen.

-And, boy, I have seen a lot. -(ALL GASP)

NBA Coach Steve Kerr?

That's my name. Don't wear it out.

Who are we kidding? You couldn't if you tried.

I'm that good.

Are you the Tropical Hospital scout?

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -I have two loves in life.

Basketball and teen dramas.

My philosophy is that talent can be found anywhere.

And you are all very talented.

What that talent is, I've no idea.

But I do know this, when you work as a team,

everyone wins, specially basketball players.

Harriet, you do have a future in showbiz.

But that future is not now, which is the present.

But before you know it, your present will be your past,

and the future will be your present.

And that's when you'll be in Hollywood.

I now see why you do sports and not writing, sir.

Thank you. Now, I can't give you a part on Tropical Hospital,

because, well, we were looking for someone

with White Guy Confidence, so I cast Tom Hiddleston.

Hiddleston.

But I can give you this.

HARRIET: (GASPS) Your championship ring?

My first trophy.

I can't wait to sell it to pay for drama school.

This says "replica" on it--

STEVE: Can't hear you. Bye!

-♪ (SOFT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

MOPS: (SOBS) Oh, god! My restaurant!

Well, we may not have gotten on Tropical Hospital,

but we did get to perform the play.

And nothing of lasting consequence

went wrong.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

MOPS: Curly, where are you? Won't somebody help me?

(GRUNTING) I shouldn't have let children do a play

on my roof.

Yup, nothing at all.

I think I'm obsessed with you, JFK.

I'm, er, uh, throbbing, Harriet. I can see us pounding together.

-Not good. -Uh-oh!

ALL: ♪ My heart is in a twister And you are to blame ♪

♪ My heart is in a twister ♪

♪ Not referring to the movie With Helen Hunt ♪

-♪ I'm referring to the game ♪ -♪ Game! ♪

Nailed it!

(AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHING)

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪