Original subtitles

Back up! Back up! Come on!

That's real pretty, Ma.

(CRASHING)

Howdy, Ma. This is the last load.

Pa Kettle, are you aiming to wreck the place before we even move in?

Pa's just tryin' to be scientific.

Closer we get to the front door, the less carrying there is.

That sounds like Pa, all right.

Henry, you and the kids carry in this stuff 'fore he does any more damage.

Elvis, stop banging on that banjo!

I'll take it. Oh, boy!

Anything I can do to help?

Sure! Take this. (GRUNTS)

Oh, this'll save you an extra trip.

Don't overdo it, Ma. Remember my lumbago.

These won't hurt you none. They're medical books.

Better let me get that, Ma.

It looks kind of muddy down there.

Supper's all ready, Ma.

Well, then we'd better eat, honey.

Your pa's bound to be mighty hungry after all that hard work!

(LAUGHS)

Come and get it!

What on earth's the matter with you kids?

Nothin', Ma. You said we had to behave in the new house.

We just want to please you.

Well, if that's all you think of my cooking, clear out of here!

You heard me, the whole lot of you. Quit it and git!

Hold it!

Now, come and get it like Kettles.

We thank you for these vittles.

(ALL CLAMORING)

George, you've been running up quite a gas bill lately.

Why are you driving all the way over to Benson's Flats to dump the garbage?

Have to, Mr. Logan, on account of the bears.

They've been doin' lots of damage to the farms around here lately.

Well, I don't follow you. They haven't touched us.

And they ain't goin' to as long as I'm crum boss of this loggin' outfit.

You see, it's all a matter of strategy.

Back in the Navy, I had to grind the garbage up so fine you could hardly see it.

That way the enemy submarines never knew where we were.

(SNIFFING)

But down here, we're fighting a different kind of war.

We want the enemy to spot the stuff,

so I dump it out on Benson's Flats when the wind is right.

Then all them bears can eat their fool heads off in their own backyard,

and don't come sniff in' around our front lawn.

Yeah. Well, that's pretty clear thinking, George.

Just tryin' to do my duty.

I reckon garbage is the first line of defense around here.

Yeah.

Much obliged, Brad.

Them shingles will make real good "For Sale" signs.

Of course I was hoping to borrow enough to hang 'em all over Cape Flattery.

Gonna be mighty tough to put 'em up without nails, though.

Anything else, Pa?

Well, now that you mention it, I could use some paint.

Signs don't mean much unless there's something writ on 'em.

Oh, hi, George.

Say, George, you can start painting just as soon as you finish dumping your load.

Be sure to tell Mr. Logan that I'll pay for everything.

Just as soon as I sell the farm.

Brad, did you hear me?

Oh. Oh, yeah, Pa. Well, there's no hurry.

I guess I forgot to tell you. Mr. Logan's gonna take it out of George's salary, anyway.

That boy's sure been mighty jittery since he come back from college last week.

Well, four years of book learning can fill a mind so full of facts

a man ain't got room to think.

Sally, you had me worried. What happened?

Oh, everything, I phoned Dad in New York like we planned.

I told him we were going to be married and he hit the ceiling.

He's flying back here to stop us.

I knew it.

A few dates with the hometown boy are all right in college,

but let the hired help fall in love with his daughter

and Mr. Millions doesn't go for the idea.

Well, honey, we've been over that before.

I go for the idea. That's all that counts.

Honey, it's not that simple.

Well, it is.

Unless you're getting cold feet and don't want me anymore.

Don't want you?

Well, now that we're both convinced, where can we get married?

Honey, slow down.

Well, you got the license, didn't you?

Well, yes, but there's a little joker involved called a waiting period.

Won't be up until tomorrow.

By that time, Dad will be here.

There's no telling what he might do.

If I could just vanish for awhile.

You couldn't hide a freckle in a town as small as Cape Flattery.

It'd have to be a place deserted, isolated.

Hey, wait a minute.

I've got an idea that just might work.

It hasn't changed much since I used to play here when I was a kid.

Well, there's one consolation.

It can't be any worse inside.

Wait a minute.

There's an old custom I'd better practice up on.

(SCREAMS)

I guess I'd better wait till we get married.

(BELL CHIMING)

I seem to hear wedding bells already.

There's your bell ringer.

Or is that the best man?

There go the bridesmaids.

Shoo!

(CLUCKING)

(PIG SQUEALING)

(SCREAMS)

You know, maybe staying in this menagerie's not such a good idea.

Don't be silly. It's only for one night

and you'll have 50 years to make it up to me.

Whoa!

Okay, kids! Start roundin' up the livestock!

I want 'em moved to the new place before dark!

Funny, I don't remember them being here before.

Something tells me you got visitors.

Say, if those animals are bringing up reinforcements...

It's the Kettles.

We can't let them find us here together.

Get in the closet, quick!

Brad Johnson.

Hi, everybody. I was just lookin' the place over.

I thought that might be your truck outside.

And might I ask who belongs to that fancy buggy?

Nobody.

You mean you rode up in both of 'em? All by yourself?

No, I drove one and towed the other.

Why, why, hi, Ma and Pa!

Why, it's Sally Mae Flemming.

Why, child, I haven't seen you in years.

What're you doin' here with him?

Well, Sally and I are old friends from college, Ma.

She just drove in from Seattle.

In that car you said you towed here?

Ma, please. It's not what you're thinking.

How do you know what I'm thinkin'?

Unless you're thinkin' what both of us shouldn't be thinkin'.

Oh, Ma, you don't understand. Sally and I, well, we just...

Well, you see, what Brad is trying to tell you is...

We're married.

Well, land's sakes! Why didn't you say so right off?

You sly, old dog, you!

I never even knew you was sweet on the boss' daughter.

Weren't no need to keep it a secret.

Well, you know how these things get out, and we...

Well, we didn't want any publicity until we got settled.

Oh, so that's why you're lookin' the house over.

Well, sir, you've come to the right place.

There ain't a better farm on the whole peninsula.

And seeing we're all friends,

I'll let you have it mighty cheap.

Well, we didn't want to buy it, Pa.

Well, that is, until we were sure that we'd be happy here.

Well, you're welcome to stay a while till you're sure.

I won't even charge you any rent.

Oh, well, that's a good idea, Pa.

We can clean up the place and bring in our old bed from the barn

and everything will be just like it was on our honeymoon 30 years ago!

(SQUEALS)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

It's a mighty good bed, too.

Sure is a beauty.

Good as new!

I got another surprise for you kids, too.

Found the pillows that Ma and me used on our honeymoon.

Why, they're lovely.

I don't know what to say.

Goodbye'll do.

I expect it's time we got outta here and left these lovebirds to themselves!

That's enough, kids! Let's git!

But Ma, we ain't loaded half the livestock.

Oh, we can get the rest tomorrow.

I don't want to raise any more ruckus around here. Ah, there's my boy!

They were so sweet, I was afraid we'd slip and give ourselves away.

Well, our worries are over, darling.

I'll leave now, pick you up first thing in the morning, and we'll get married.

(MOOING)

Looks like some of the wedding guests arrived early.

I'm in no mood for any more company.

Now, if you want to find me here tomorrow morning, you'd better keep them out tonight.

You know, Ma,

seein' them kids start their married life sure makes my heart feel good.

It does mine, too.

(LAUGHING)

Remember the first night we spent on the old farm?

Uh-huh.

It rained something awful.

It thundered and lightning hit the barn

and old Bessie started bawling

and the calf broke loose.

Uh-huh.

Took you quite a while to get 'em rounded up.

I'll never forget how sweet you was,

holdin' the umbrella over me

so I wouldn't ruin my wedding dress.

I was glad I could make it up into this pretty nightgown.

The flowers are a little faded,

but the memories are still there.

And just to think, Pa,

you picked it out of a mail order catalog all by yourself.

You always was a romantic... (SNORING)

(KNOCKING)

Ma!

Balls of fire!

Kind of late for company.

Ma Kettle! Open up, Ma!

Jim Flemming, what in tarnation...

I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, Ma, but I'm lookin' for Sally.

I traced that car of hers to Cape Flattery, and...

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Ain't the girl entitled to a little privacy on her honeymoon?

Honeymoon! Oh, no.

What's the matter? Anything wrong?

Well, there better not be!

Well, that ought to guarantee some privacy.

It's nice to know I'm going to marry such a talented man.

And I work cheap, too. All it will cost you is a kiss.

Oh, look! You can't even reach that hole!

Oh, well, that one doesn't matter.

Nothing bigger than a chicken will ever get through.

Just keep your bedroom door locked and you won't have any trouble.

It's stuck.

Oh, the floor's warped.

Well, we solved that problem pretty easily.

It's stuck again.

Mr. Kettle!

I sure thought that bed would hold up longer than this.

Dad!

How did you find...

Never mind that. I'll ask the questions.

Now, where's your marriage certificate?

Well, you see, we...

It's no use, honey. We can't bluff our way out of this one.

We're not married, Mr. Flemming.

Brad, you ought to be tarred and feathered.

Well, now, Ma, calm down. We haven't done anything wrong.

And you're not going to. Pack your things, young lady. I'm taking you home!

I'm not going anywhere without Brad.

Now, Mr. Flemming, be reasonable. All we want to do is get married.

I've got a lease on some fine timber land at Salmon Point.

Once I start to work it, I can...

That means years of hard work.

Cutting corners, living on beans.

Oh, now, don't go turnin' up your nose at those humble beginnings, Jim Flemming.

Why, 30 years ago,

you were the only family in Cape Flattery that had to borrow from the Kettles.

Ma, you don't understand. I'm all for Brad's ideas.

And there isn't another man I'd rather see Sally marry,

only I don't think she's good enough for him!

Dad, how can you say that?

I know I've spoiled and pampered you ever since your mother died.

And living in a Seattle penthouse is no way to train for farm life.

You'd be cryin' for a divorce in six months.

I'll take that chance.

JIM: Well, I won't!

Well, you're not being fair!

Ah, honey.

Sally, I'm only trying to do what's best for both of you.

Seems to me this "tryin' to do what's best" business is only makin' things worse.

What're you getting at, Ma?

Oh, it's plain as the nose on your face.

Let Sally live on the farm for awhile,

and if she proves she's got what it takes,

then they can get hitched.

Ma, that ain't decent.

Ah, hogwash!

All she'll have to do is to cook his vittles,

wash his clothes and run the farm.

He can still bunk down at the lumber camp.

And just to make sure there ain't no mix-ups,

Pa and me will do around-the-clock chaperonin'.

Team's all hitched, Ma.

Sure gonna be lonesome without you.

Somebody's gotta stay nights with Sally.

And if it wasn't me, we'd need another chaperone to chaperone the chaperone.

Besides, George said he'd bunk with you for awhile.

Won't be the same, Ma.

After 30 years, I don't know I can fall asleep without the sound of your snoring.

Snorin' or no snorin', we gotta take care of those kids.

Besides, the money that Mr. Flemming insisted on paying us for chaperoning

will just about cover the first installment on the mortgage.

Yeah, I reckon you're right, Ma,

but I still don't hold much with the idea of women workin'.

(GRUNTS)

(ROOSTER CROWING)

Sally! Wake up!

I've let you oversleep a half hour already.

It's 4:30!

It's the middle of the night.

In Cape Flattery, it's the middle of the morning.

Brad'll be here at 5:00 for his breakfast.

That's nice.

I promised I wouldn't help you,

but I suppose it's my duty to make up my side of the bed.

It's too green to burn. This stuff's still growing.

Ma Kettle, I'm not completely incompetent.

We have a fireplace in the penthouse

and I've managed pretty well with all kinds of wood.

It's just a matter of getting things started.

Some kerosene will do it.

Gettin' kinda stuffy in here, ain't it?

All it needs is a little more draft.

The house's on fire!

Hey, Ma. You all right?

Of course, I am! You're just in time for breakfast.

Here's your gas mask.

Well, I wasn't really very hungry anyway.

But don't let on to Sally. It might upset her.

Say, if that girl keeps dishin' out those kind of vittles,

she's gonna end up a widow before she's a bride.

Well, I'm all set!

MA: Land sakes, you ain't gonna do your chores in that getup, are you?

These are the most suitable clothes I have.

Besides, I see no reason why a girl can't look pretty when she works.

Maybe.

But the livestock ain't used to fashion shows.

Come on, Brad.

You can drop me off at home on the way to the camp.

See you at supper, honey. In the meantime, this is for luck.

Now, Ma, don't go closing your eyes to good ideas.

I declare, Pa,

you're actin' like we was married only 30 minutes instead of 30 years.

Oh, by the way, here's a copy of Sally's chore list.

And believe me, you'd better keep at a safe distance while you're supervisin'.

The way that gal operates, anything's liable to happen!

(SNAPPING)

(BLEATS)

Whoa!

Everything all right at home, Ma?

Of course. How's Sally doin'?

Well, she's way behind schedule,

but I guess you can't expect them city folks to work as fast as you and me, Ma.

(CRASHING)

Gosh!

(CRYING)

I been meanin' to fix that stovepipe for years.

Oh, things ain't as bad as they look.

This mess is all Pa's fault and there's no rule sayin' I can't help you clean it up!

Anything I can do to help?

Yes.

You can show slow city folks like Sally

just how fast country folks like you can make tracks outta here!

The clothes'll be dry in a couple of hours.

You can iron 'em after supper.

Sally! Stop dozin' off! You gotta fix supper!

Oh, I'm too tired to do anything!

I'm kinda tuckered out myself.

What do you say to takin' a cold shower?

It'll perk us both up! Come on!

Better get a move on! Brad'll be here soon.

(SINGING) Oh, where, oh, where can my little dog be?

Oh, where, oh, where can he be?

With his ears cut short and his tail cut long

Oh, where, oh, where can he be?

He left last night and he ain't come home

Oh, Rover where can you be?

I saved a bone so please come home

Oh, Rover come back to me (ANIMALS BRAYING)

Now you've heard me yell there's no more to tell

My dog has left me alone

But you can bet he'll be back yet

When he's hungry he will come home

(SNORTING)

Brad? Are you home already?

I hope you're not too hungry, dear.

(GROWLING)

Well, I'll get supper as soon as I take a shower!

Honey, please don't do the dishes!

Ma wouldn't like you to help me.

I'll do them after I shower!

Why don't you just rest awhile?

Brad, don't come in! I'm not dressed!

Brad Johnson!

The water's fine, Sally. Just yank the rope when you're ready.

(GROWLS)

Land sakes, honey! You sound like you never took a cold shower before!

Here's the soap!

Gettin' kinda clumsy, ain't ya?

(SNORTING)

Sally! Sally Mae Flemming!

What in tarnation's the matter with you?

Sally! Sally, what's the matter with you?

Sally.

That's old Three Toes!

According to the tracks, he must have been in the house!

But I thought it was Brad!

Well, right neighborly of you to help Brad and me stand watch, George.

Old Three Toes, he's a mighty mean critter.

Well, if he comes snooping around here again, he won't get by us!

Especially, with that $500 bounty on his hide.

(SNIFFING)

Why didn't you park the garbage truck downwind?

I did, Pa!

(SNIFFS)

George, ain't you ever thought of changin' jobs?

What for?

There's nothin' more important than garbage.

Yes, sir. You show me a man without garbage,

and I'll show you a man who ain't eatin'!

Yeah. That makes a heap of sense.

(SNORING)

(CROWING)

(CROWING CONTINUES)

(RINGING)

Sally, turn that darned thing off.

I can't.

My neck's stiff and I can't raise my arms.

Oh, I feel like every bone in my body's broken.

I got the remedy for that, all right.

Ma, what're you gonna do?

I'm gonna rub out your aches and pound in some sense.

It's a wonder you're alive at all, the way you work.

Ma! Stop it!

Please, don't...

Choppin' wood with your wrists!

You gotta take a full swing!

(BONES CRUNCHING)

(SCREAMS)

Ma! Don't! Ma, please stop. Please.

(BONES CRACKING)

Ma, you're breaking my back!

(SCREAMING)

What difference does it make? You never use it anyway.

Doin' the wash with your elbows! You gotta put your shoulders in it.

And when you wring out the clothes,

twist 'em dry and fast like this!

See? Nothin' to it, once you get the hang of it.

And you'd better, if you expect to make the grade as Brad's wife.

Ma Kettle, when I want your advice, I'll...

Well, my neck. It isn't stiff anymore.

And I can raise my arm.

Well, then, you better cook breakfast.

Those men'll be mighty hungry after all that bear-watchin'.

Ma, you're wonderful!

I guess I have been stubborn and silly,

but I'll make you proud of me yet.

You ready for seconds?

I've already helped myself to thirds.

And I can't get over it. A few weeks ago, you were burning boiled eggs.

Now, six-course breakfasts with apple pie!

Even pigs wait till the feed's thrown at 'em.

These pies are for the contest at the lumbermen's rodeo tomorrow.

PA: Morning.

I run into the mailman on the way over, Brad. He gimme a letter for you.

Well, thanks, Pa.

Anything wrong? I'm afraid so.

It looks like I'm going to lose my timber lease.

They've jumped the renewal price to $2,500 dollars.

Oh, but we were going to start our own logging outfit on that land.

And you still are. You got three weeks till the lease runs out.

There's plenty of time to harvest enough timber

from that stand to meet the renewal price.

But, Ma, even if George and Pa were willing to help,

I'd still need to rent equipment

and it'd take about $500 to swing the deal.

Well, we'll just have to pick it up in prize money at the rodeo.

But, Ma, them events is dangerous.

Oh, it'll be worth the risk.

Anyway, we'll have a better chance to win than anybody else,

'cause there's four of us. lncludin' you!

(SNIFFING)

(GUNSHOT)

Careful, Ma. That ain't no safety razor.

GEORGE: Come on, Ma!

The winner, in 19 seconds flat,

Ma Kettle!

(ALL CHEERING)

You boys ready?

All right, get set.

Good for you, Brad! I knew you'd do it!

Oh, you're wonderful!

Nice goin', Brad!

(SNIFFING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

the winner of the first and only prize in the pie-baking contest is

number five, Miss Sally Flemming!

Oh!

Congratulations, Sally!

Well, with that 25,

we'll have a even 400 in the kitty.

We're still 100 short.

You've just got to win the first prize in the log race.

It's the last contest.

Well, I'll need my other shoes.

Oh, they're in the truck. I'll go fetch ' em.

A hat's no place to carry $400.

Howdy.

(GRUNTING)

ANNOUNCER: Will the rest of the contestants

for the log running race please report to the starting line.

This is the final call.

What's keepin' Pa?

Don't fall in! Hurry.

He's in the race.

Pa ain't never been on a log in his life.

(BELL DINGS)

(LAUGHING)

He's sensational!

Never saw him move that fast before.

Come on! Come on! Good for you! Come on!

(ALL CHEERING)

Why, you old rascal!

Why didn't you tell us you was gonna enter the race?

What race?

Where's Three Toes?

Three Toes?

Yeah. He was breathin' down my neck

all the way from the truck!

No wonder Pa moved so fast.

We'd better get some men together

and track that bear down before somebody gets hurt.

Well, if you ask me I think we ought to pin a medal on him!

For scarin' Pa right into the lumber business!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, no more signs of his tracks.

You know, he could've headed for those berry bushes

over at the old Kettle place.

Well, it's worth a look. Come on.

Let's go. Come on.

Mr. Logan, no!

I mean, we can't go bargin' in on Sally!

Sally? I thought she was staying

at the MacDonald farm with the Kettles.

Well, you know how crowded it is with all them kids.

She just wanted a little privacy.

Well, it's too private with that bear roaming around.

The least we can do is warn her.

Let's go.

She's not in any danger.

Brad's the best shot in...

What's Brad doing up there?

Please, Mr. Logan.

Don't pay any attention to an old blabbermouth like me!

Listen, George. Jim Flemming's not only my boss.

He's my friend.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing one way or another!

(PA SNORING)

I hate to wake him up out of a sound sleep

just to send him home to bed.

After what he did at the rodeo,

he deserves an extra catnap.

You let him sleep and I'll clean up the dishes.

I'll bring in the rest.

You dump them in the sink and I'll heat up the water.

Well, Ma sure has made a perfect farm wife out of you.

But I'm a nervous wreck.

Do you realize we haven't been alone for more than a month?

I know. Thirty-one days, 744 hours.

(MA CLEARS THROAT)

(CLINKING CHINA LOUDLY)

Thought I'd get myself another cup of coffee.

Sally, ain't it about time you fed the pigs?

I suppose so.

(HORN HONKING)

Jumpin' horned toads! What's goin' on?

We've come to pay our respects to the bashful newlyweds!

Newlyweds?

There they are! Yeah!

Come on, Rip!

I couldn't stop them, Ma! They're gonna give the kids a shivaree!

They think they're hitched.

Well, where'd they get such a fool notion as that?

Well, Ma, you see, it was like this. I...

All right, everybody! Let's line up!

Come on! Hey, you can't do that!

Oh, can't I? Oh!

Us girls always kiss the groom!

So you see, there wasn't anythin' else I could do!

Well, we gotta do somethin'. Now!

Yeah, let's get in line 'fore we miss all the fun.

PETE: All right, everybody, let's get back on the road!

Pete Logan! Pete Logan, you bring those kids back here!

Well, of course, Ma, after they spend the night at Salmon Point!

Over my dead body!

They ain't goin' nowhere!

And if you don't listen to reason,

I'll settle this with a shotgun!

Better listen to her, Pete. She's a crack shot!

Well, I guess you got a right to your opinion, Ma,

only this time you're outvoted!

Grab 'em, fellows!

(SCREAMING)

Put me down! Help! Help!

They must have bolted it!

When I get through with that Pete Logan,

they won't be able to sell him for sawdust!

Well, you can't blame him, Ma.

He thinks everything's legal.

Fact is, we ought to thank him.

Them kids ain't the only ones that this chaperoning's been keepin' apart.

I kinda missed ya.

Oh, Pa Kettle! You always was a sweet talker!

But now we gotta think of those kids!

If they stay up at Salmon Point,

Jim Flemming's bound to find out

and that'll ruin everything!

Yeah. I reckon you're right. But what can we do?

Get outta here!

The hayloft! Start climbin'!

Well, get goin'!

Okay! Slide down while I hold it steady!

This end ain't long enough for me to slide!

You'll have to lower me down!

All right, Ma! Come ahead!

Mighty neat catch, Ma.

Well, catchin' you ain't the problem.

It's those kids!

Well, I'll go hitch up the team right away.

Oh, we'll never make it in time in the wagon!

Sally's car! Come on! Get goin'!

Ma, are you sure you can drive this contraption?

Of course I can, once I get it goin'.

Where's that fool starter?

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, it's no use, honey. Looks like we're stuck,

for better or for worse.

Well, if this is any example of Cape Flattery's mentality...

Oh, now, honey, calm down.

They've really done us a favor.

We're finally alone

in the most romantic spot on the Cape!

I'm a mess! Look at my dress and my hair!

Why, look at me!

I am.

Hi, Ma! Why, we never thought you'd get here!

I can see that!

All right, Ma. Think whatever you want to.

Just get us out of here.

Brad Johnson, are you givin' me orders?

I'm the chaperone around here.

Now you just stay out in the moonlight, honey,

so I can keep an eye on you!

Ma, you old softie!

Well, it's a lot more romantic than the barn, ain't it?

Thanks for helping me tidy up the bridal suite, Ma.

Ah, stop your gripin', Brad.

I know this ain't the most comfortable place to sleep,

but you couldn't keep stayin' at the bunkhouse

now that everybody thinks you're married.

Brad! Ma! Brad!

It's a letter from Dad!

Well, what'd he say? Let's see.

Well, quiet down and I'll read the most important part.

"So, under the circumstances, I agree with Ma.

"You had to pretend you were newlyweds.

"I'll be down tomorrow and we'll make everything legal."

Oh, wonderful!

Ma, writing Mr. Flemming the truth was a stroke of genius.

Well, there wasn't anything else we could do

after the Seattle papers runnin' the story about your shivaree.

(HORN HONKING)

George, since when are you gift wrappin' the garbage?

Ma, them's weddin' presents from Sally's friends in Seattle.

Wedding presents?

Yeah. They got things there that I never even knew was invented.

Washin' machines, driers, garbage disposals,

electric... Garbage disposals!

It'll be a cinch to run this place with all these appliances.

Now, hold on, Sally.

We're tryin' to show your pa you can manage without modern conveniences.

I guess you're right.

Well, maybe you'd better store 'em in the barn.

As far as I'm concerned,

you can ship 'em back where they came from right now.

What are you talking about?

Look, honey, we agreed to rough it for a couple of years.

Now this is a farm, not a penthouse.

Oh, well, you don't understand.

I didn't intend to use these things

until we were officially married.

Well, you won't use these things even after we're married.

Now, why are you making a fuss over a few wedding presents?

A few? You've got enough here for the whole county!

And what're people gonna say when they find out I didn't buy any of them?

Oh, that's it. You don't care how hard I have to work

just so you can keep your silly pride.

I didn't say that. No, but you meant it!

You don't want a wife. You want a workhorse!

Of all the spoiled, self-centered...

Well, maybe your father was right.

You are too soft for this kind of life.

MA: Brad! Come back here!

(CRYING)

Oh, Sally, stop carrying on like this.

You've got a whole lifetime to fight after you're married.

The way he's acting, there may not be a marriage!

Garbage disposals.

10:30.

I told you he wouldn't be man enough

to show up for breakfast.

What good would that have done? You didn't cook him any.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(HONKING)

Hurry UP-

Oh, it's them.

I figured those girls would be over

to look at the wedding presents sooner or later.

Come on. You might as well get it over with.

Oh!

They look too new to be real!

Just like the mail order catalogs!

Hello, everybody!

(WOMEN ALL GREETING MA)

Never seen so many newfangled gadgets in my born days.

They don't look like they've been used, either.

Well, they haven't, and it's time they were.

Say, why don't you ladies go get your wash and try out the machines?

We was sort of hopin' you'd feel that way, Sal,

so, just in case, we brung along a couple of things.

At least I've seen the stuff work once before I leave.

Oh, Sally, stop makin' such a ruckus.

Just because you and Brad had your first spat.

And last.

And you can tell him he doesn't have to worry about the neighbors.

They can have everything.

That silly little idiot thinks she's gonna get...

Pa, you check the loggin' site.

George, try the lumber camp.

And I'll scout around town.

I want Brad here by noon, hog-tied,

and with enough breath left in him to say, "I do."

I ain't so sure this'll work, Pa.

Even if we do get Brad up here,

they'll probably have at it worse than ever.

Yeah. Ma and me, we fit like wildcats even after the weddin' bells,

till she told me the first young one was on the way.

We ain't had a real decent scrap since then.

You mean, once those kids get married and have a baby,

they'll stop their battlin'?

Oh, sure, sure.

That kind of news makes everybody happy.

I can't hardly wait to see the expression on old Jim Flemming's face

when Sally tells him that he's goin' to be a grandfather.

(GASPS)

Don't tell a soul, but Sally's going to have a baby!

No! Don't tell a soul.

It's supposed to be a secret, but Sally's going to have a baby.

Well, this always was a mighty productive farm.

Don't tell nobody, but the kids are expectin'.

What's that?

I said, there's gonna be anotheryoung'un on the old Kettle farm.

Keep it under your bonnet,

but the old Kettles are goin' to have ayoung'un on the farm!

Don't you tell I told you, but Ma's that way again.

About the only thing she ain't had yet is twins.

The doc says Ma is gonna have twins.

But we ain't supposed to let on.

Well, I don't see why, but if she wants to keep it a secret,

I think all of us should cooperate.

Uh, time I was headin' for home.

(RINGING)

Hello. What?

Well, are they sure?

Yeah.

BRAD: Ma! Ma?

Sally!

Sally!

Well, Mr. Johnson, to what do I owe this pleasure?

Now, Sally, this is no time for bickering.

Haven't you heard the news about Ma being in a family way?

Brad, don't be ridiculous!

No, it's all over town.

Logan's wife got it from Ethel Parks.

She heard it from Mabel Shaw who said that

Granny Higgins took Ma to the doctor's office.

She didn't say anything to me about it.

Maybe she's a little embarrassed.

You see, they say, according to the doctor,

that it might be triplets.

Whoa!

So, under the circumstances,

we better not let on that we know till Ma tells us herself.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Sally, about the other day, it was all my fault.

No, it wasn't. We were both proud and stubborn and...

And in love.

I hate to interrupt this peace parley,

but we've got to get down to the station and meet Sally's pa,

before you two hot-tempered kids declare war again.

Come on!

(SNORING)

(MEN CHUCKLING)

George, what's all this about?

Congratulations, Pa. Why didn't you tell us?

You're a sly one.

Pa, you old hound dog. You're havin' another litter.

You mean old Bessie's gonna whelp?

Not Bessie, Pa. Ma.

Ma? Well, I'll be danged.

Why ain't she told me?

I guess she was plannin' a surprise.

Accordin' to the doc, it might be quadruplets, or even quintuplets.

That means you'll beat old Zeke Haskel's record

for sirin' the biggest brood on the peninsula.

That's quite a feat, Pa, especially at your age.

Yeah, I reckon it is.

Well, it all comes from clean livin', lots of rest...

And never doin' an honest day's work in his whole life.

Aw, if Pa ever put his mind to it, he could probably work like a dynamo.

MAN 1: Now I've heard everything.

MAN 2: The age of miracles is over.

Now, George is right.

I just ain't never had no reason to try before.

Of course, feedin' and clothin' and educatin' all them extra mouths

can be mighty expensive.

Maybe it's time I give it a whirl.

By God. I will!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Pa, what're you up to?

I can't waste time talkin', George.

I'm comin' out of retirement.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Hey, Pa! You better go back into retirement.

Hey, Pa, why don't you honk your horn?

He doesn't even know how to run that thing!

Back it up.

Stop! Hold it!

Watch out for the cliff, Pa!

Watch out!

(LOUD SPLASHING)

(BUBBLING)

Oh, that's bad. That's the deepest part of the river, too.

(BURPING)

We got the umbrella back, though.

Of all the fool stunts you ever pulled, Pa Kettle,

this takes the booby prize!

A bulldozer like that costs thousands of dollars.

Well, no need to get riled up.

I aim to pay for it on time.

Huh! According to your record, that'd take about 50 years.

Pa, you've just bulldozed Brad out of business.

But I was just tryin' to turn over a new leaf

and become a good husband and provider

so you could have the new young'uns in the hospital.

Young'uns?

Who said I was expectin'?

George. Sally.

Brad. Logan.

Seems everybody in town knows somethin' I don't.

Ma, you mean you ain't gonna...

Of course, I ain't!

When I find out who started that rumor, I'll...

GEORGE: You ought to invite him to the wedding.

After all, that baby you're not havin'

got Sally and Brad together again.

Together again?

I didn't know you two were ever apart.

Oh! Oh, nothin' to speak of.

Just a little misunderstanding.

You see, Brad had some old-fashioned ideas about wives.

Hold on, Sal. Just because I didn't let you pamper yourself

with all those grandiose ideas...

Pamper myself? Well, how do you like that?

What about you and all your grandiose ideas?

Striking out on your own with Pa Kettle as a partner!

Well, you struck out all right.

If I had a dime for all the mistakes you've made,

I wouldn't need to start a lumber company.

I'd have more money than your father.

You're impossible! Dad, you were right.

I don't like this kind of a life,

and I don't like the kind of man who goes with it.

Look, Brad, if I loan you the money...

You'd be wasting your time. I'm not gonna buy a wife.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I hope you're satisfied.

You've ruined everything.

For 30 years, you never buckled down to work,

but somehow we managed.

Then in one day's work, you bankrupt all of us!

I'm sorry, Ma. I'll make it up to you.

Huh! I've been hearin' that for 30 years, too.

Folks always talked about how shiftless you were,

but I never paid any attention to 'em

because I thought sometime you might change.

I've tried to be patient with you,

but I just can't take it much longer.

Now get outta here.

The kids and I can get along without you. Go on! Git!

(QUIETLY) Pa.

Thanks, Pa. Nice of you to help me on the garbage run.

Anythin's better than facin' Ma and the kids.

Besides, maybe you ought to just leave me out there at the crick,

with the rest of the garbage for the bears to eat.

Pa, that's no way for a family man to talk.

Why, you... Or is it?

Pa, you're right.

Now hold on, George. No matter how I feel,

like you say, we got to think of Ma and the kids.

That's just what I'm doin'

and I got me a foolproof plan.

Well, now, wait a minute. I don't know about these plans of yours, George.

I knew somethin' was wrong when Pa didn't show up for his vittles.

Well, he's probably off sulkin' around someplace.

This sure has turned into a messed up logjam.

Ma! It's old Three Toes!

He's been here!

There are tracks all over the berry patch!

And they're fresh, too!

If I could only get him in my gunsights just once,

he'd end up like that cougar I bagged last year.

Yeah.

That bounty money sure did come in handy all right.

Wait a minute.

Didn't you tell me they doubled the price on Three Toes' hide?

Well, don't stand there. Get your rifle!

He put Brad in business once.

No reason why he can't do it again!

Here's where George dumps all the garbage.

Three Toes gotta be around here someplace.

We'll set up over there.

Yes, Ma.

Well, I got to hand it to you, George.

Old Three Toes, he'll never be able to climb out of a hole that deep.

Yeah. Now all we gotta do is spread a little garbage on the trail,

and when Three Toes eats himself into our hands,

all your troubles'll be over.

I can't wait to see the look on Ma's face

when we show up with that bounty money.

Trackin' that critter down,

that's probably the last thing she'd ever think of, huh?

Can't wait to see the look on your pa's face

when he finds out all this stuff from his junk pile

is a made-to-order bear trap.

Well, I better scout around. If I spot anything, I'll signal you.

Good idea.

While you're at it, bait the trail with some of this.

Well, I'm fresh out, Pa.

I guess we better get some more from the truck

so we can run this all the way out to the road.

Yeah.

Funny, I was sure we put garbage on this path before.

We did, Pa. Three Toes must've eat it all up!

Look, there's his trail! Come on!

(SNIFFING) I smell something.

No, no. I mean somethin' different.

(SNIFFING)

Honey-flavored preserves!

Pa, this is unfair competition!

(TWIGS CRACKING)

Henry, is that you?

Okay, I'll be right up!

Hang onto this till I get there!

Henry! Where are ya? Henry!

(GROWLING)

(SNARLING)

(GROWLS)

(SHOUTING)

Feed him the garbage, George.

I think he wants somethin' more substantial!

George, bears can't shoot, can they?

Of course not!

(GUNSHOT)

I don't think.

(GUNSHOTS)

Whoa up, you varmint!

Git!

(GEORGE SCREAMS)

Growl your fool head off, you silly critter!

Pa!

(BEAR GROWLING)

(GROWLING)

Howdy.

PA: My hat!

Pa! You all right?

I think so.

(SCREAMING)

GEORGE: Pa! It's George!

Sounds like Three Toes has got him cornered!

I think he loves me.

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

CHILD: Ma! What's Three Toes doin' up there?

Oh, he's harmless!

We didn't have the heart to kill him, so,

meet the new assistant garbage collector!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, Ma, looks like our chaperonin' days was over.

Ha! That's what you think.

From now on, we got a full-time job chaperonin' each other!

And just to make sure nothin' goes wrong.