Original subtitles

DON'T MIND IF I DO, JERRY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND THAT'S BECAUSE TODAY, AS PROMISED, AT WKRP,

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU THE EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL UPON THE AVERAGE DRIVER.

AND TO GRAPHICALLY BRING THAT POINT HOME,

VENUS FLYTRAP AND I WILL STAY ON THE AIR AS LONG AS WE CAN...

HAVING ONE DRINK EVERY 15 MINUTES.

IT'S, UH... IT'S NOT A PRETTY JOB, BUT SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO IT. VENUS?

WITH US TODAY IS HIGHWAY PATROLMAN, R.F. BUDDY PLYLER.

HE'S GONNA TEST OUR REFLEXES AND JUDGMENT AS WE GO ALONG.

OFFICER PLYLER, WOULD YOU EXPLAIN THIS, PLEASE?

ALL RIGHTY.

I HAVE WITH ME A STANDARD...

914 AUTOMATICALLY TIMED REFLEX AUTOMATOR FOR HAND REACTION.

IT'S USED TO TEST THE SUBJECT'S MOTOR SKILLS.

ALL RIGHT. WHO GOES FIRST? HIM.

ALL RIGHT, DR. FEVER.

YOU ARE PRESENTLY SOBER.

IF YOU SAY SO.

THAT'S... THAT'S VERY GOOD.

OKAY. UM, YOU, UH,

PUT YOUR HAND ON THIS BUTTON.

MM-HMM. AND WHEN I SAY "GO,"

YOU PRESS THE OTHER BUTTON.

RIGHT. I THINK I UNDERSTAND THAT, OFFICER...

GO!

OFFICER PLYLER IS NOW CHECKING DR. FEVER'S SCORE.

HOW DID HE DO?

WELL, ACCORDING TO THIS,

UH, COMPLETELY SOBER,

HE HAS THE REACTION TIME OF A MAN...

WHO HAS HAD SIX VODKA MARTINIS.

♪ BABY IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVING ON THE AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF PACKING AND UNPACKING ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN UP AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP ♪

♪ IN CINCINNATI ♪♪

- GOOD MORNING, JENNIFER. - OH, ANDY, HOW ARE JOHNNY AND VENUS DOING?

THEY'RE DOING FINE. THEY JUST TOOK THEIR FIRST DRINK.

WE'VE HAD A LOT OF CALLS ON IT ALREADY. REALLY? THAT'S TERRIFIC.

LISTEN, I'M EXPECTING A REPORTER SOME TIME TODAY FROM THE CINCINNATI MAGAZINE.

REALLY? WHY? THEY WANNA DO A STORY...

ON HOW THE STATION'S DONE SINCE THE FORMAT CHANGE.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL GET RID OF HIM. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LISTEN. WE'RE DOING FINE.

WE GOT THE DRUNK DRIVING CAMPAIGN GOING. THE STATION'S BEING REPAINTED.

ACTUALLY, THIS IS A VERY GOOD DAY TO IMPRESS A REPORTER.

IF YOU SAY SO.

WELL, HELLO THERE. YOU, UH... YOU JUST GET STARTED?

NO. I'VE BEEN AT IT ABOUT AN HOUR.

EXCUSE ME.

THAT'S FINE. OH, HI, TRAVIS.

UH, WHAT IS THIS?

WELL, WHAT DO YA THINK? I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S HERB. TAKE YOUR HEAD OFF, HERB.

SURELY.

HI, ANDY.

HERB.

WELL, TRAVIS, DON'T YOU GET IT? NO.

KRP SPELLS "CARP." CARP'S A FISH.

THIS IS OUR STATION MASCOT.

I'M A GIANT CARP, ANDY.

I KNOW YOU ARE, HERB.

LISTEN. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?

BECAUSE I'M THE STATION MANAGER. I CAN HAVE A FEW IDEAS ON MY OWN, YOU KNOW.

THIS ONE HAPPENS TO BE MY BABY.

I'M SENDING HIM OVER TO THE UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI FOR A PEP RALLY.

WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

STATIONS ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY HAVE GOT MASCOTS.

YOU KNOW, OF COURSE, THERE'S A GUY FROM WPIG...

GOING ALL OVER CINCINNATI IN A PIG SUIT.

LOOK, YOU GOTTA FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE.

COME ON. RADIO'S A COMPETITIVE BUSINESS.

I-I-I GIVE UP.

HERB? HUH?

JUST DON'T GET INTO ANY TROUBLE, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT COULD HAPPEN?

GOOD MORNING, ANDY. LES.

MR. CARLSON. LES.

HERB?

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

OH, NOTHING, HERB. NOTHING AT ALL.

I JUST ALWAYS PICTURED YOU MORE AS A BLOWFISH THAN A CARP.

LISTEN, NESSMAN, THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. I'M SORRY, SIR.

READY TO GO, HERB? YEAH.

HI. HAS ANYBODY SEEN HERB?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELL, HERB,

IF YOU ARE IN THERE, THIS IS THE ADVERTISING COPY THAT YOU WANTED.

OH, GOOD. LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.

HOLD IT, BAILEY. FORGET ABOUT THE COPY, WILL YA?

WOULD YOU MIND GOING TO THE UNIVERSITY WITH HERB AND LES, KEEP AN EYE ON 'EM?

NO, I GUESS NOT.

WE BETTER GET GOING. YEAH, LET'S GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD.

WAIT A MINUTE, HERB. HMM?

KNOCK 'EM DEAD.

YOU CAN COUNT ON ME, BIG GUY.

ANDY, MR. STONE CALLED AND SAID HE'LL BE HERE AT 11:00.

OH, GOOD. HIYA, GORGEOUS. HOW 'BOUT A COUPLE OF DRINKS AFTER WORK?

SORRY, CHARLIE.

I'LL GO FIRST THIS TIME. ALL RIGHT, MR. FLYTRAP.

JUST, UH, PUT YOUR HAND ON BUTTON ONE. GO!

WELL, VERY GOOD.

TWO DRINKS HAS HAD, UH, VERY LITTLE EFFECT ON YOU.

HEY, YOU'RE TALKIN' TO THE MAN HERE.

A COUPLE A LITTLE DRINKS DON'T MEAN NOTHING TO THE TRAP.

OH, BUT, UH, EVEN AFTER ONE DRINK,

YOUR REFLEXES SLOWED ALMOST 10%.

NO!

THAT IS THE POINT OF THE TEST.

PEOPLE THINK THAT THEY'RE SOBER ENOUGH TO DRIVE WHEN, IN FACT, THEY'RE NOT.

YOUR TURN, DR. FEVER. SURE.

DON'T YOU SAY "START" OR "NOW" OR SOMETHING... GO!

MAN, THAT WAS SLOW.

YEAH, WELL, HE ALWAYS SURPRISES ME.

HOW DID I DO? AFTER TWO DRINKS, UH,

YOU NOW HAVE THE REACTION TIME OF A MAN...

WHO'S HAD FIVE VODKA MARTINIS.

I'M GETTING BETTER.

HIYA. HOW'S IT GOING?

GOT A COUSIN THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT.

HOW'S SCHOOL?

GET IT? HOW'S SCHOOL?

A DIME?

IT'S TAKEN! SORRY.

HEY, LES!

OH, LES!

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

SORRY. I RAN OUT OF CHANGE. HOLD THAT DOOR, PLEASE.

THANKS A LOT. WHY, THAT'S ILLEGAL.

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. I SAID I'M SORRY.

WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS AGAINST THE LAW. YOU OWE SOMEBODY 10 CENTS.

I SAID I'M SORRY, FATSO.

MR. CARLSON. SIR. HUH?

QUENTIN STONE FROM CINCINNATI MAGAZINE. QUENTIN, THIS IS ARTHUR CARLSON.

UH, UH, WELL, IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, MR. STONE.

YOU KNOW, A MENTION IN YOUR MAGAZINE WOULD SURE BE IMPORTANT TO US.

ALL OF OUR SPONSORS READ YOUR PUBLICATION.

THIS IS NOT A P.R. PIECE. THIS IS AN IN-DEPTH STORY.

NO KIDDING. OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL. YES.

GENTLEMEN, WHY DON'T YOU PULL UP A COUPLE OF CHAIRS AND SIT DOWN.

AND, WELL, LET'S JUST, UH...

LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT THIS CRAZY BUSINESS WE CALL RADIO, HUH?

SORRY BAILEY AND I GOT SEPARATED FROM YOU, BUT

WE THOUGHT WE OUGHT TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?

A HAM SANDWICH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, MR. PIG?

OH, GOD, YOU'RE SO IMMATURE.

OH. SAY, AREN'T YOU THE WPIG PIG?

- MERELY TEMPORARY. - LES! LES!

WE'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE, BAILEY. WE'RE FROM WKRP.

I'M LES NESSMAN, TWO-TIME WINNER OF THE BUCKEYE NEWSHAWK AWARD.

I SOMETIMES LISTEN TO YOUR NEWS REPORTS WHEN I NEED A LAUGH OR TWO.

HERB, WOULD YOU HOLD THIS FOR ME, PLEASE?

TAKE IT EASY, LES. HE DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. NOW GET 'EM UP.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON? - PUT 'EM UP, PIG.

- DEFEND YOURSELF, SIR! - NOW WAIT, WAIT! HOLD IT! WAIT A MINUTE!

NOW CAN'T WE PLEASE ACT LIKE ADULTS?

GET YOUR FIN OFF ME.

DON'T PUSH ME, PORKY!

QUENTIN HERE IS INTERESTED IN HOW THE STATION HAS DONE SINCE THE FORMAT CHANGE.

OH. WELL, TELL YOU WHAT. THINGS HAVE JUST MOVED ALONG AS SMOOTH AS GLASS.

OF COURSE, ANDY CAN TAKE CREDIT FOR MOST OF THAT.

ALTHOUGH I KEEP MY HAND IN THERE OF COURSE.

HOW?

HOW? WELL... HOW WHAT?

HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR HAND IN IT?

OH, YEAH. KEEP MY HAND IN IT. WELL, YOU KNOW,

PUBLIC RELATIONS, COMMUNITY RELATIONS, STATION PROMOTIONS.

YOU KNOW, I HANDLE ALL THE ROUGH STUFF. FOR EXAMPLE?

WHAT? FOR EXAMPLE?

OH, YEAH, EXAMPLE. WELL, I, UH... I, UH...

WELL, I WAS IN CHARGE OF THE STATION'S THANKSGIVING PROMOTION THIS YEAR.

THAT WAS RATHER INTERESTING.

YES, I THINK I HEARD ABOUT THAT. YOU

ACCIDENTALLY KILLED SOME TURKEYS, DIDN'T YOU?

I THINK "ACCIDENTALLY" IS THE OPERATIVE WORD THERE, MR. STONE.

WE HAVE MADE A FEW MINOR MISTAKES HERE AND THERE,

BUT YOU'LL FIND BASICALLY THIS IS A VERY PROFESSIONALLY RUN RADIO STATION.

HEY, WHITE FOLKS!

WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE EXECUTIVE SUITE?

HELLO, VENUS.

SURE IS BRIGHT IN HERE.

VENUS IS ONE OF OUR DEEJAYS. HE'S NOW INVOLVED IN THE DRUNK PROMOTION.

THE WHAT? YEAH, BUT I AIN'T DRUNK.

THE COP THINKS I'M DRUNK.

BUT OLD VENUS HAS PULLED THE WOOL OVER THE FUZZ'S EYES.

VENUS, WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

I WANT A HAT!

I NEED A HAT. COP'S GOT A HAT. I WANT A HAT TOO.

UH, COP? WHAT COP? UH, A COP?

YEAH, I THINK I'VE GOT A FISHING HAT RIGHT...

I THOUGHT SO!

EVERY NOW AND THEN, I GET THIS UNCONTROLLABLE DESIRE TO WEAR A HAT.

AH!

NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

EXCUSE ME A MINUTE. ARE YOU ON THE AIR HERE?

ON THE AIR?

I AM THE AIR!

I'M THE WIND! THANKS FOR THE LID, ART.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

BAILEY, DON'T COME IN HERE! THIS IS THE MEN'S ROOM!

I KNOW THAT, LES, BUT YOU WOULDN'T COME OUT.

BAILEY, GIRLS AREN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THESE PLACES LOOK LIKE!

KEEP OFF OF HIS TAIL! YOU PIG!

♪♪

♪♪ WE'RE BACK ON THE AIR WITH OFFICER PLYLER.

WE'RE ON OUR SIXTH DRINK. WHAT'S NEXT, OFFICER?

WELL, WE'LL DO THE TEST ONE MORE TIME.

RIGHT. GO!

WAY TO GO, JOHNNY!

YOU'RE DOING GOOD, MAN. UH, DO IT AGAIN.

SURE. GO!

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.

HA! HEY, JOHNNY, TURN PRO. FORGET THE OLYMPICS.

THIS TEST HAS BEEN GIVEN TO HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE. NO ONE EVER GOT BETTER!

HAVE ANOTHER DRINK. WHY, IT'S NOT TIME YET.

I AM ORDERING YOU TO HAVE ANOTHER DRINK!

OKAY. DON'T GET EXCITED. JUST TAKE IT EASY.

I AM TAKING IT EASY! OKAY.

LET'S ALL HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.

I PROPOSE A TOAST TO LAW ENFORCEMENT EVERYWHERE.

THIS TEST IS TO PROVE THAT EVEN AFTER ONE DRINK, PEOPLE ARE NOT GOOD DRIVERS.

NOW THIS MAN HERE... VENUS.

UH, YEAH. THIS MAN HERE WAS AFFECTED IMMEDIATELY.

NOW, THAT IS NORMAL.

LET'S ME AND YOU SWAP HATS.

YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY BUILT UP A SUPERHUMAN TOLERANCE TO ALCOHOL!

YES, IT'S TRUE. IT WAS ONCE SORT OF A HOBBY.

WELL, THERE IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.

I'M A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS TOO.

OFFICER, I SUGGEST YOU SHOOT THIS MAN.

AT LEAST WING HIM. FIRE AT WILL!

YOU SHUT UP! YOU KEEP DRINKING.

OKAY, BUT I'M NOT GONNA GET DRUNK. OH, YES, YOU ARE TOO.

YOU'LL SEE.

HE'S FROM MARS, OFFICER.

WHISKEY DOES NOT AFFECT ALIEN BEINGS.

GIVE ME THAT!

♪♪

NOW, LISTEN. ABOUT THIS DRUNK THING, IT'S NO BIG THING, REALLY.

- A LOT OF STATIONS DO IT. WE FIND THAT... - EXCUSE ME.

YES?

- THERE IS A SLIGHT PROBLEM. - WHAT PROBLEM?

WELL, PERHAPS WE SHOULD DISCUSS IT IN THE LOBBY.

OKAY. SOMETHING THAT YOU'D RATHER I NOT HEAR?

OH, NO. WE HAVE NO SECRETS HERE. JENNIFER, GO AHEAD.

HERB'S IN JAIL.

OH, BOY. WHO'S HERB?

THE SALES MANAGER. I HAVE TO START WRITING SOME OF THIS DOWN.

THEY'VE ARRESTED LES ALSO.

WHO'S LES? HE'S OUR NEWS DIRECTOR.

I SEE. WHERE'S BAILEY?

THEY'VE GOT HER TOO.

WHAT DOES SHE DO? CONTINUITY AND PROMOTION.

LOOK, SHE IS VERY PROFESSIONAL. WHAT'D THEY ARREST BAILEY FOR?

I'M NOT SURE.

SOMETHING ABOUT "HANGING OUT IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM."

WHAT A STORY!

UH, I-I-I THINK I'LL GO DOWN AND-AND BAIL 'EM OUT.

TRAVIS, UH, SHOW MR. STONE AROUND. OH, CERTAINLY.

LISTEN, QUENTIN. WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS IN MY OFFICE.

OH, SURE. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I SEND THESE STORIES TO THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER.

WAIT A MINUTE. I CAN EXPLAIN THIS WHOLE THING.

ANDY, I'VE GOTTA HAVE SOME CASH FOR BAIL. I ONLY GOT ABOUT FIVE BUCKS.

HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, REALLY. I IMAGINE AROUND $500.

I'LL GET MY PURSE.

HI, JOHNNY. HI.

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE DRUNK BY NOW.

NAH. BUT THIS IS MY SIXTH TRIP DOWN THE HALL.

YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE LADY AND I HAVE THIS ARRANGEMENT.

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

SHE KNOWS I MESS AROUND A LITTLE. BUT SHE FIGURES,

"WHAT THE HECK. I'D RATHER SHARE HIM THAN LOSE HIM."

WELL, IF WE EVER GOT TOGETHER,

I'D HAVE TO HAVE ALL OF YOU.

GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, YOU JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

YES, MA'AM.

WHY IS YOUR NEWS DIRECTOR IN JAIL?

AHA. FAIR QUESTION.

UH, PERHAPS HE WITHHELD HIS SOURCE. HOW 'BOUT THAT?

THAT WOULDN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOUR SALES MANAGER'S IN JAIL WITH HIM.

NO. NO, IT WOULDN'T.

BUT WHAT IF THE SALES MANAGER WENT DOWN TO THE JAIL...

TRYING ONLY TO BAIL OUT THE NEWS DIRECTOR?

THAT'S A POSSIBILITY, ISN'T IT? I GUESS.

SURE IT IS.

WHY WAS THE, UM... LADY IN THE MEN'S ROOM?

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED ME THAT.

WHY WAS THE LADY IN THE MEN'S ROOM?

WHY WAS THE LADY IN THE MEN'S ROOM?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH, ANDY?

OKAY, YOU WIN.

I'LL START FROM THE BEGINNING.

OF COURSE YOU'VE HEARD OF THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.

I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE THE STATION MANAGER, PLEASE. I HAVE A COMPLAINT.

I'M SORRY. HE'S NOT IN. VERY WELL. THEN I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE THE PROGRAM DIRECTOR.

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT. HE'S IN A MEETING.

SPLENDID. SPLENDID.

YOU MISSED A SPOT.

WHERE? RIGHT THERE.

WELL, UH, DO YOU WANNA DO IT?

NO, THANK YOU. I...

YES. I WOULD BE DELIGHTED.

I'M GOING IN THE BACK AND TALK TO THAT GAL.

SHE'S KIND OF SWEET ON ME.

I'M DRUNK. OH, I KNEW IT!

I JUST SAW A GIANT PIG.

GOOD. GOOD. LET'S GET ON THE AIR.

COME AND SIT RIGHT DOWN HERE. SURE.

THERE. WE'LL, UH, DO THE TEST AGAIN.

WHATEVER YOU SAY. SPEAK INTO THE MIKE.

OH, YES.

♪♪

♪♪ ALL RIGHT, FELLOW BABIES.

THAT WAS THE... AND THIS IS SORT OF JOHNNY FEVER, KIND OF, DOCTOR.

AND AFTER NINE DRINKS,

VENUS FLYTRAP IS CATATONIC.

AND I, MYSELF,

HAVE PERSONALLY JUST SEEN A GIANT PIG.

HE IS CURRENTLY PAINTING THE WALLS OF OUR LOBBY.

YES, HE IS OBVIOUSLY DRUNK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YES, HE IS. AND I'M NOT FEELING BADLY MYSELF.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THE TEST. SURE.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL PROVE ONCE AND FOR ALL...

THAT PEOPLE'S REACTIONS GET SLOWER, NOT FASTER.

- ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU'RE READY? - I AM... SURE.

GO!

THEY'RE OFF!

IMPOSSIBLE.

HOW DID I DO? PLAY A RECORD.

HUH? PLAY A RECORD!

ALL RIGHT.

♪♪

LIFE CAN BE FAIR! WHOO!

SO, ANYWAY, QUENTIN, I'M SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE

JUST TOLD YOU THE DUMB TRUTH FROM THE BEGINNING.

I GUESS I JUST GOT YOU ON A BAD DAY, ANDY. YEAH.

I'M GLAD YOU UNDERSTAND THAT. I STILL THINK I CAN GET A REAL NICE STORY OUT OF THIS.

MAN, WE WOULD APPRECIATE THAT. COME BACK TO THE STATION ANY TIME, LOOK AROUND.

I'D LIKE TO.

IF EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER AGAIN... IT'S LES'S FAULT.

- SO WE MEET AGAIN. - IT'S THE PIG.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - I AM HERE TO HAVE YOU TWO FIRED.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT, PORKY!

YOU KNOW NOTHING, YOU LITTLE TWIT, JUST LIKE YOUR NEWS REPORTS.

TAKE IT EASY, LES. GET OUTTA MY WAY, HERB!

COME BACK ANY TIME. TAKE A PEAK AROUND THE STATION. IT'S BEEN MY PLEASURE.

TAKE THIS, YOU SWINE!

HEY, WAIT, QUENTIN. DON'T GO AWAY MAD. THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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