Original subtitles

TURNING TO THE COMMODITIES,

SLUGGISH HOGS STUMBLED THROUGH CHICAGO MARKETS...

WHILE CHICKENS TOOK A BATH FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS WEEK.

ONCE AGAIN, TODAY'S MAJOR STORY.

YOURS TRULY, YOUR OWN FARM REPORTS DIRECTOR, LES NESSMAN,

HAS BEEN NAMED THE WINNER OF THE COVETED SILVER SOW AWARD.

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR.

[Male Announcer] MEN, EVER STOP TO THINK...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

DINING ALONE. NO BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN YOUR LIFE.

ALWAYS THE INSIPID JERK WHO MAKES OTHER PEOPLE WANT TO THROW UP...

THE MOMENT YOU ENTER THE ROOM.

WELL, RELAX.

NINE OUT OF 10 TIMES, THE PROBLEM IS SIMPLY...

[Echoing] LOSS OF HAIR.

AND NOW MR. MACHO HAS THE ANSWER.

NATURAL-LOOKING HAIRPIECES THAT FEEL AS GOOD AS THEY LOOK...

IN THE WIND... [Wind Whistling]

IN THE JUNGLE... [Animal Shrieks]

IN THE SHOWER... [Water Running]

OR WHEN YOU'RE WITH THAT VERY SPECIAL GIRL.

[Woman] WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

ONLY YOU AND MR. MACHO WILL KNOW YOUR SECRET.

SO, IN CINCINNATI, DIAL 555-MCHO.

THAT'S 555-MACHO.

ASK FOR CLARENCE.

CLARENCE.

LES, YOU GOT DEAD AIR. DEAD HAIR?

THE WEATHER REPORT.

WELL, IT'S CLOUDY TODAY, JOHNNY. PRESENT TEMPERATURE'S ABOUT 57 DEGREES...

TELL THEM.

IT'S CLOUDY TODAY. PRESENT TEMPERATURE IS 57 DEGREES.

NOW BACK TO THE DR. JOHNNY FEVER SHOW ALREADY IN PROGRESS.

THANKS A LOT, LES.

AND I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY,

CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT PROUD PORK AWARD.

THAT'S THE SILVER SOW, JOHNNY. RIGHT YOU ARE, LES.

AND, UH, CONGRATULATIONS FROM ALL OF US HERE...

AT THE MIGHTY WKRP.

♪ BABY IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVING ON THE AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF PACKING AND UNPACKING ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN UP AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP ♪

♪ IN CINCINNATI ♪♪

♪♪ [Whistling]

♪♪ [Whistling Continues]

SAY, LES. UH-UH-UH!

SORRY.

- KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. - COME IN.

I JUST WANTED TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON THAT PIG THING.

- THANK YOU. - YOU DON'T SEEM TOO EXCITED ABOUT IT.

HERB,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE AWARDS BANQUET WITH ME?

I DON'T GO OUT WITH GUYS, LES.

KIND OF A LITTLE RULE WITH ME.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

NOTHING, EXCEPT THAT I ALREADY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT.

HERB!

LOOK.

I WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF PUTTING THESE LINES HERE...

TO INDICATE THE WALLS OF THE PRIVATE OFFICE A NEWS DIRECTOR SHOULD HAVE.

I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD BE KIND ENOUGH TO OBSERVE THEM.

GEEZ. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

I DON'T KNOW, HERB.

BOY, GUY GETS A GRAY HOG AWARD,

AND HE SUDDENLY GETS SNOOTY ON US.

THE WET HEAD'S DEAD, HERB.

HI, JENNIFER. I WAS JUST, UH... HUH?

OH, HEY. GOT SOME GOOD NEWS.

LUCILLE HAS GONE TO VISIT HER MOTHER FOR A WEEK.

OH, THAT IS GOOD NEWS. I'M SURE SHE'LL ENJOY THE REST.

NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THIS IS OUR BIG CHANCE.

I MEAN, MY WIFE'S OUT OF TOWN.

NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW IF YOU AND I, UH... NO.

WHY NOT? I HAVE A HEADACHE. I HAVE TO WASH MY HAIR.

MY MOTHER'S IN TOWN. I'M ENGAGED. OH.

WHAT'S THIS? IT'S A MEMO.

SEE? RIGHT THERE AT THE TOP, IT SAYS "MEMO."

WAIT, WAIT! WAIT A MINUTE! HOLD ON.

I CAN'T DO THIS. LISTEN TO THIS.

"IN KEEPING WITH THE PRESIDENT'S GUIDELINES TO CUT DOWN ON EXPENSES,

THERE WILL BE NO MORE THREE-MARTINI EXPENSE ACCOUNT LUNCHES AT WKRP."

- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? - WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

YOU TRY TO SELL TIME ON THIS RADIO STATION TO A SOBER CLIENT.

IT CAN'T BE DONE.

AND YOU CAN TELL MR. CARLSON HE CAN STICK THIS MEMO...

MORNING. ON THE BULLETIN BOARD, RIGHT WHERE IT BELONGS.

GOOD MORNING, BIG GUY. HOW'S IT GOING? N-NOT NOW, HERB.

SURELY. [Clicking Heels]

- YES? - LES, THIS IS MR. CARLSON.

JUST HEARD ABOUT YOUR AWARD. UH, CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU, MR. CARLSON.

HEY, JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT WE'RE ALL VERY PROUD OF YOU.

AND THE STATION'S GONNA PICK UP THE TAB FOR THE BANQUET FOR YOU AND A DATE.

THANK YOU, MR. CARLSON.

ABOUT THIS MEMO...

HOW CAN YOU CUT OUT BUSINESS LUNCHES AND STILL PAY FOR PIG BANQUETS?

LISTEN. YOU GET AN AWARD, AND WE'LL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

COME ON, JENNIFER. I FEEL ANOTHER MEMO COMING ON.

MARK MY WORDS. YOU GET RID OF THE BOOZE, YOU GET RID OF THE BUSINESS.

IT'S STATION POLICY NOW, HERB, AND IT'S OUR DUTY TO STAND BEHIND IT.

"IT'S STATION POLICY NOW, HERB, AND IT'S OUR DUTY TO STAND BEHIND IT."

I BELIEVE IN FOLLOWING RULES, HERB.

GOOD. WHY DON'T YOU JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS?

I AM A MEMBER OF THE BOY SCOUTS.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY. HEY, LES. CONGRATULATIONS.

OH, THANK YOU, ANDY. SURE.

OH, ANDY, AS PROGRAM DIRECTOR,

PERHAPS IT WOULD BE PROPER FOR YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE AWARDS BANQUET.

NO, GET A DATE, LES. ENJOY YOURSELF.

RIGHT. ENJOY MYSELF.

WHO YOU GOT IN MIND, LES?

I DON'T KNOW ANY WOMEN.

WAIT. THERE'S MRS. ROMBAUER, THE WIDOW NEXT DOOR.

MAYBE SHE'D GO WITH ME. SHE'S STARTING TO LOSE HER HAIR TOO.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A PERFECT MATCH. LEAVE LES ALONE, HERB.

OH, HERB'S RIGHT, BAILEY. LOOK AT ME. WHO WOULD GO OUT WITH A GUY LIKE ME?

ALL RIGHT. COME ON NOW. DON'T PUT YOURSELF DOWN.

THAT'S THE FIRST RULE IN GIRL-GETTING.

RULE NUMBER TWO: DRESS SHARP.

LOOK AT THIS BAGGY YOU GOT ON.

AND A BOW TIE?

IT SAYS, "HI. I'M REMARKABLY DULL."

NEW MEMO. OH, TERRIFIC. WHAT'S THIS ONE ABOUT?

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S BIRTHDAY.

IT'S THREE PAGES LONG. I KNOW.

THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF IN THERE ABOUT VALLEY FORGE.

DO WE GET THE DAY OFF? I DON'T KNOW. IT NEVER SAYS.

JENNIFER.

- I THINK YOU CAN HELP US OUT. - WHAT IS IT?

WOULD YOU LET LES PRACTICE ON YOU FOR A MINUTE?

PRACTICE WHAT?

HE NEEDS TO GET A DATE FOR THE BANQUET

TOMORROW NIGHT, AND HE NEEDS A FEW POINTERS.

THAT'S ALL. WHAT KIND?

I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THIS, HERB.

NOTHIN' TO IT. THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, BEAUTIFUL?

HOW 'BOUT, UH, YOU AND ME GETTING IT TOGETHER TONIGHT?

YOU ONLY GO AROUND ONCE IN LIFE, SO...

WHY NOT GRAB A LITTLE GUSTO?

I DON'T LIKE "LITTLE" GUSTOS, HERB.

YOU SEE? THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.

- SHE SAID NO, HERB. - SHE ALWAYS SAYS NO.

NOW, COME ON. IT'S THE SCRIMMAGE, NOT THE GAME. COME ON.

OKAY. YOU SURE IT'S ALL RIGHT, JENNIFER? ANYTHING TO HELP.

WELL, YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS BANQUET TOMORROW NIGHT, AND, UH,

THIS EVENT IS VERY SPECIAL TO ME.

AND...

IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO, MAYBE, UH,

YOU AND I... MAYBE WE COULD GO TOGETHER.

I'D LOVE TO, LES.

LOOK! THE GUY NEEDS PRACTICE, NOW.

COME ON. MAKE IT, UH, TOUGH. MAKE IT REAL.

- SHE SAID YES, HERB. - AND WHEN THEY SAY YES, THEY ALWAYS MEAN NO.

- IT WORKS BOTH WAYS, RIGHT, JENNIFER? - NO.

OH, GOOD GOD. SHE SAID NO.

MIND IF I COME IN? GOOD.

ABOUT THIS MEMO.

ACCORDING TO THIS, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO START

PAYING FOR ALL THE COFFEE WE DRINK AROUND HERE.

- BIG GUY, CAN I SEE YOU PRIVATELY? - WHY?

WELL, IT'S ABOUT THIS MEMO BUSINESS. I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA.

UH, WOULD YOU TWO EXCUSE US?

LISTEN. I'M TELLING YOU, FREE COFFEE IS A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. JOHNNY. JOHNNY, COME ON.

I'LL BUY YOU A CUP OF COFFEE. JUST LOOK IT UP!

JUAN VALDEZ VERSUS THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA!

BIG GUY? YEAH?

THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON AROUND HERE I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT.

OH? WELL, GO ON.

SIT DOWN.

SIR? OH!

THERE'S A WORD FOR WHAT SOME OF THE EMPLOYEES ARE DOING AROUND HERE.

WHAT? FRATERNIZATION.

[Whistles] MM-HMM.

I FOUND IT PRETTY HARD TO BELIEVE MYSELF AT FIRST.

I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT THIS SORT OF THING CAN LEAD TO.

OH, HECK, NO. GEE.

WH-WHAT COULD IT LEAD TO, HERB?

WELL, IT ALL STARTS VERY INNOCENTLY, BIG GUY.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO DANGEROUS.

I MEAN, FIRST THERE'S A LITTLE CONVERSATION AT THE WATER FOUNTAIN.

WELL, UH... OR OVER COFFEE.

AND THEN IT'S LUNCH.

AND THE LUNCHES GET LONGER AND LONGER,

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY'S PREGNANT!

PREGNANT?

THAT'S WHY MOST OF THE MAJOR CORPORATIONS

HAVE RULES ABOUT EMPLOYEES DATING ONE ANOTHER.

WELL, UH, MAYBE WE OUGHTA HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT AROUND HERE.

YOU KNOW BETTER THAN I DO HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS SORT OF THING.

UH, R-RIGHT. YEAH. I MEAN, FIRST YOU DROPPED THE DRESS CODE.

THEN YOU TOOK OUT THE TIME CLOCK.

I SUPPOSE WHILE WE'RE BEING SO LIBERAL ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING,

WE MIGHT AS WELL LET THE EMPLOYEES HAVE SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER... IN THE HALLS.

M-MEMO. MEMO. UM...

TWO-TO-ONE, HERB KILLS HIMSELF.

NOW, I'M TALKIN' HEAD IN THE OVEN, AND I'M GIVIN' SEVEN POINTS.

- HI, ANDY. - THERE HE IS... THE WHITE SUPER FLY!

LISTEN, LES. I'VE TOLD YOU YOU COULD GET A DATE, BUT JENNIFER!

WHOO! I MEAN, THAT'S THE SUPER BOWL, PAL.

- WELL, IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? - I'VE GOT BUTTERFLIES.

OH! NOW, COME ON NOW. LES, THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I CAN H-HARDLY TALK.

BE CALM, MY MAN. YOU GOTTA GET TO KNOW YOUR INNER REALNESS.

GOTTA BREATHE IN AND BREATHE OUT AND CENTER YOURSELF.

ALL RIGHT? BREATHE IN. [Shaky Inhaling]

OUT. [Shuddering Exhaling]

NOW WHAT? I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF? THAT'S JUST MY WARDROBE FOR TONIGHT.

LET'S SEE IT. OH, LOOK OUT!

OW! DISCO MANIA!

JUST A COAT. LOOKS VERY NICE, LES.

- I SUPPOSE THEY WERE OUT OF THE ORANGE ONES, HUH? - WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF?

OH, LOOK AT THIS. ALL RIGHT! AN ASCOT.

GET DOWN, LESTER!

NO.

UH-OH.

LESTER BOUGHT A LITTLE DOG.

YOU OUGHTA HAVE THAT THING SHOT BEFORE YOU WEAR IT, MAN.

ALL RIGHT. LOOK, LES. THE WIG IS FINE AND EVERYTHING.

I DON'T PERSONALLY THINK YOU NEED IT, BUT THAT'S YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW, I WOULD GET THAT THING SOME SHOTS.

WHOO! UH-HUH. [Clears Throat]

A MOMENT ALONE. ♪♪ [Whistling]

UH, MR. CARLSON'S MEMO FOR THE DAY.

WHAT'S THIS ONE ABOUT, WALKING ON THE FLOORS?

READ IT.

"NO EMPLOYEE FRATERNIZATION.

NO DATING BETWEEN"... WH-WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S A NEW RULE. BUT THIS MEANS...

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. YES, IT DOES.

LES, MEMO OR NO MEMO,

I'LL BE READY TO LEAVE WITH YOU AT 6:00.

BUT THIS IS STATION POLICY, JENNIFER.

LES, NEVER IN MY LIFE HAS SOMEONE BROKEN A DATE WITH ME.

I HEARD THAT.

I'M SORRY, JENNIFER.

HEY, LOOK, LES. I'D JUST FORGET THIS WHOLE THING, YOU KNOW?

HELL, YES, MAN. WE'RE TALKING HUMAN RIGHTS HERE.

I DON'T LIKE TO MAKE ANY TROUBLE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM.

LOOK, LES. I'M GONNA GET THIS THING STRAIGHTENED OUT WITH CARLSON.

NOW, YOU'RE GONNA SEE. I'LL GO WITH YOU.

YEAH, SOMEBODY GET A ROPE. HEY, BUT NO SHEETS.

[Announcer] IN CINCINNATI, MR. MACHO HAS THE ANSWER.

NATURAL-LOOKING HAIRPIECES THAT FEEL AS GOOD AS THEY LOOK...

IN THE WIND... [Wind Whistling]

IN THE JUNGLE... [Animal Shrieks]

IN THE SHOWER... [Water Running]

OR WHEN YOU'RE WITH THAT VERY SPECIAL GIRL.

[Woman] WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! ONLY YOU AND MR. MACHO WILL KNOW YOUR SECRET.

SO, IN CINCINNATI, DIAL 555-MCHO.

THAT'S 555-MACHO.

[Chorus] ♪ WKRP ♪

♪ CINCINNATI ♪♪

♪♪ [Rock]

[Man] ♪ YOU'RE TOO MUCH YEOW ♪

♪ MUCH TOO MUCH ♪

♪ YOU'RE TOO MUCH ♪ ♪ TOO MUCH ♪

♪ MUCH TOO MUCH ♪

♪ TOO MUCH ♪

♪ MUCH TOO MUCH ♪

♪ OH, LISTEN NOW ♪

♪ IT'S JUST THE WAY THAT YOU MOVE IT ♪

♪ YOU KNOW YOU GOT LOTS OF STYLE ♪

♪ AND THE WAY YOU LOOK THROUGH ME ♪

♪ REALLY DRIVES ME WILD ♪

♪ YOU KNOW, I GOTTA SAY ♪

♪ YOU'RE TOO MUCH ♪

♪ MUCH TOO MUCH ♪

♪ YEAH, YOU'RE LOOKIN' SO GOOD, YEAH ♪

♪ YOU'RE TOO MUCH ♪

♪ MUCH TOO MUCH ♪

♪ LISTEN NOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE TOO MUCH ♪

♪ YOU'RE MUCH TOO MUCH ♪

♪ EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU'RE TOO MUCH ♪♪

[All Arguing] WHY CAN'T I MAKE AT LEAST ONE RULE THAT STICKS?

WHO IS THIS?

IT'S ME, MR. CARLSON. LES NESSMAN!

GOOD GRAVY.

WOULD ALL OF YOU PLEASE EXCUSE US?

I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH MANAGEMENT.

YOU BET.

LES, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? MAYBE!

UH-OH.

I THINK HERB IS RIGHT. THIS EMPLOYEE DATING IS VERY, VERY BAD.

SO IT WAS HERB.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!

WELL, IT WAS HIS SUGGESTION.

WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED TO HIM! WH-WHY NOT?

BECAUSE HE'S JUST JEALOUS...

BECAUSE JENNIFER AGREED TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME.

OH.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK SHE'S JUST BEING KIND.

- SHE PROBABLY KNOWS I DON'T KNOW A LOT OF WOMEN. - I'M SORRY, LES.

I HAD A GIRLFRIEND FOR A WHILE LAST YEAR,

BUT THEN SHE MOVED TO ST. LOUIS TO FIND HERSELF.

IN ST. LOUIS? YES.

ANYWAY, I GUESS JENNIFER JUST SORT OF TOOK PITY ON ME.

I CAN SEE THAT NOW.

AH, NO, LES. LOOK, I'M SURE THAT SHE WANTS TO GO WITH YOU.

AH, COME ON. LES, YOU'RE VERY... PERSONABLE.

- YOU JUST WON THIS PINK PORKER THING. - SILVER SOW.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THAT BANQUET AND JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME?

I DON'T CARE ABOUT EMPLOYEE DATING. WHAT THE HECK.

REALLY? OH, THANK YOU, MR. CARLSON.

DARN THAT HERB. HEY!

UH, I-I'M SORRY, LES.

UH, JENNIFER, WOULD YOU COME IN HERE, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

LISTEN, LES. I-I DON'T MIND THIS FRATERNIZATION THING.

IT'S... JUST THAT I DON'T WANT ANY SEX IN THE HALLS.

I'LL TRY TO BEHAVE MYSELF, MR. CARLSON.

[Clears Throat] JENNIFER.

JUST... FORGET THE MEMO, OKAY?

AND YOU TWO JUST GO AND HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THIS, UH, PIG BALL.

UH, BEFORE WE GO,

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD... OH, YOU KNOW...

SLIP INTO A LITTLE BOW TIE FOR ME.

OH, YES, OF COURSE, JENNIFER. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MORNING. OH, HI, JENNIFER.

OH, UH, HOW WAS THE, UH, BANQUET?

IT WAS A LOT OF FUN.

EVERYONE JUST TALKED PIGS ALL NIGHT, BUT I WAS REALLY PROUD OF LES.

YEAH.

WHAT'S HE LIKE ON A DATE? VERY GALLANT.

LATER HE TOOK ME TO THIS INTIMATE LITTLE PLACE,

AND I HAD A MARTINI, AND LES HAD A HOT CHOCOLATE.

THEN HE TOOK ME HOME. OH, DID HE, UH, GO UP TO YOUR APARTMENT?

WELL, I INVITED HIM, BUT ON THE WAY UP THE STAIRS,

HIS KNEES SORT OF GAVE OUT.

BUT HE TOOK A RAIN CHECK. OH.

GOOD MORNING, LES. OH, GOOD MORNING, JENNIFER.

OH. I TALKED TO HERB, AND HE APOLOGIZED.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I'M REAL SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. BIG DEAL.

SEE?

I DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN BE SO NICE TO HERB ALL THE TIME.

OH, HERB'S MY PAL. I'M HIS PAL.

FORGIVE AND FORGET... THAT'S MY MOTTO. RIGHT, LES?

RIGHT, HERB.

HERB? HMM?

REMEMBER ONCE TELLING ME THAT YOU BET JENNIFER HAD A ROUND BED?

YEAH.

WELL, IT'S RECTANGULAR, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S.

♪♪ [Rock]

♪♪ [Man Singing, Indistinct]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Mews]