All language subtitles for Mock the Week (2005) - S22E06

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or
hear.

Read all about...

And welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara
O'Brien. Joining us this week are Milton

Jones, Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth,
Angela Barnes, Aher Shah and Glenn

Moore.

We'll start now with a round call. If
this is the answer, what is the

question? On the board are six
categories. Sarah, which category would

you like?

Home news, please, Dara.

OK, your topic is home news.

The answer is nearly 100.

What is the question?

Is it at what age I will stop being
mistaken for a teenage boy?

Is it how many times did I look at the
news this

week and think I'm not going to bother
turning up?

My husband's from the Middle East. Well,
Norfolk.

And Mark Dewey has entered the war.

Is it, how many years do you get in
prison if you ask the judge for a girl

on his little hammer?

Is it, how many problems has Jay-Z got?

Very nearly, very nearly.

For the older people, how many balloons
that are red has Nina got?

Is it, how many of the 101 Dalmatians
were actually Labradors who'd been

paintballing?

Is it, how many bees tall am I?

A hundred if I'm on my tippy toes.

What does David Attenborough mutter
every morning to get himself through the

day?

How many times you can say duck before
people start to think you're never going

to say goop?

Last week, I gave Liz Truss a thousand
pounds to invest.

How many pounds do I now have?

How many times have I waited at the
stage door for Abba Voyage before

realising they're not going to come out?

Is it what percentage of Starra's body
is hairless?

Surprisingly barely.

Is it how many posters of Obama is too
many on my bedroom wall, considering

she's not as famous as her dad?

She's like 30.

What are you doing?

What would you score on Pointless for
playing Rhys James in the category Cool

Sexy Comedian?

Is it how many different animals are in
the cheapest sausage?

Oh, that's the one.

That's the same as Marley or Obama,
apparently.

What percent of my money did I lose when
I invested in Brewdog the Musical?

Is it how many laps of heaven Captain
Tom has completed?

In many ways, you're editing the show
here, and I don't think you're making

good decisions, are you?

Sorry, do we have the correct answer? Is
it how many years Labour held Gorton and

Denton's seat before the election?

That's absolutely right. Thank you very
much, Rhys.

Yes,

the correct answer, I reckon, was how
many years did the Labour Party hold the

seat in Gorton and Denton before losing
it to the Green Party in the recent by

-election? She's our first ever Super
Mario MP.

She is, yes. She's a plumber who we
haven't seen do any plumbing.

Yeah, wants to legalise mushrooms.

I think I'm turning into my nan, because
I keep referring to her as a lady

plumber. That is a big debate, yeah,
yeah. Right, and I hate myself every

time I say it. I think, what's going to
happen? I'm going to wake up, vote

reform, and try and turn on the
dishwasher with the Sky remote.

There's a whole thing about how...

Female plumber? Sounds slightly creepy
and weird, so you're left with a lady

plumber. Hello, I'm a lady plumber.
That's what I call my gynecologist.

Absolutely.

She's not a lady plumber.

I'm a lady plumber.

Wouldn't it be fair to say that we've
all been pretending we've always known

what gortin and dentin is?

I keep thinking it sounds like
manufacturers who make... trousers that

old people can soil themselves in.

Is that a company? Sorry, is there a
company that make trousers for old

people to soil themselves in?

It used to be on the back of Sunday
Supplements, but you're too young to

remember that.

Dragon, I'm asking for a hundred... We
will now do a demonstration.

Over to you, Deborah.

She did say in her victory speech, she
was like, apologies to anyone I've got

appointments with, I'm going to have to
cancel.

And if you did have an appointment with
her that she was going to pick, you'd be

so pissed off. Yeah. But you'd want to
take it to your local MP.

LAUGHTER You'd be like, you!

Gee, there's a bloody racket round here.

The thing is that Zach Polanski, who's
the leader of the Greens, isn't an MP,

right? He's not a city MP. She now is,
because she's more powerful than him.

So any time he tells her to do
something, she'll be like, yeah, all

right, Billy Nosey, why don't you do it
yourself?

LAUGHTER I think, Hannah, I think you
should ask the Prime Minister, oh, I

think, I think, get your own seat, you
can ask him yourself, you dickhead.

It's nice that the party called Labour
has been defeated by a woman who's done

some.

But the harsh thing is for Starmer,
because it's obviously a huge loss for

Labour, that they didn't win this, and
one of the main reasons they won is

because she was campaigning on being a
plumber, and the only reason she could

be a plumber is with tools made by
Starmer's dad.

Everyone's angry with Starmer, but
they're going to be even angrier when

they find out how much promoting of
foreign manufacturing he does.

Apparently the first word he said in his
wedding vows was IKEA.

LAUGHTER How did

Reform react to their loss at the
by-election?

They claimed it was rigged. They did.
They said there was family voting.

Yeah. But I think that's also just...
reform being suspicious of the concept

of loved ones.

That is what families are, isn't it?
It's like, yeah, we live in a democracy

as society, but within that society and
democracy is a thousand mini

dictatorships. That is what families
are. Parents are dictators, aren't they?

Like, I didn't get a vote as a kid as to
whether or not I got christened. That

was decided by this sort of Mussolini
figure who raised me.

And her puppet husband.

One half term, right, me and my siblings
won the Democratic vote to go to Thorpe

Park, OK?

Was that democracy upheld? No, we went
to Halford.

It's all dictatorships. Of course, this
is how it works. You're a dictator.

You've got kids, you're a dictator.

Yeah, of course I am. Otherwise, stuff
wouldn't get done.

I'm sorry, that sounds slightly fascist.

You're not wearing a black shirt!

I think I'm going to get this model
train to run on time.

Meanwhile, what have the Clintons been
up to this week?

Managing the greetings card company.

You have to be right there. Meanwhile,
what have Bill and Hillary Clinton been

up to this week?

They've been being deposed about their
being in the Epstein file.

And the thing is, Bill Clinton is sort
of the one guy where you're like, it'd

be weirder if you hadn't been.

You find out that Stephen Hawking was
there, and you're like, sorry, what?

And then someone says that Clinton was
there, and you're like, oh yeah, the sex

president. Yeah, the guy who had sex in
the Oval Office, how would he not have

been there?

Epstein would be in Clinton's file.

It's just like, Clinton clearly has a
type, and that type is women with large

black boxes around their face.

That square thing has become so iconic
now that I'm going to do an app that

just will redact your photos on your
phone just randomly.

So when you're flicking through, just
redacted faces just appear.

I think that is... Dragon, if you give
me... For a redacted one.

So randomly your photographs will just
have somebody...

It would be, though, if you did that on
your phone randomly and it just covered

up your face.

Although, yeah, Dara, no-one would ever
be able to work out who that was.

You might want to redact the words, mock
the week, behind you.

It's a very good point.

Contextual clues.

If you don't hold it right, it looks
like you're trying to sneak a peek.

And redact it back.

That's what it looks like when...

Two ahead of you is a megabus, but ahead
of you is a hearse.

Moving on, how are councils cracking
down

on fly tipping?

Why would they do that if a fly gives
you good service?

I thought, like... You're right.

Really mean.

I've got a fly tip.

If you wear a button rather than a zip,
you'll never forget to do it back up.

You know, I remember the 5010. My cock
was always hanging out.

Oh, I know. I've worked with you for
years.

And that's why you're now redacted.

So it just reminded me of a story. My
friend got on a train and went to the

toilet and he accidentally hooked... I
can't tell it.

We'll put a black square over it.

He went to the toilet and he had his
earphones on.

And when he came out, he hadn't realised
that when he'd done his trousers up, the

earphone cord had wrapped around his
business.

And then when he got back into the
train, he put his earphones on and just

pulled his paper.

Time for a podcast.

The rest is history.

What a weird December when your Spotify
wrapped is just your dick.

Presumably he wouldn't have been able to
hear everyone screaming.

The good thing is, if we all do a joke
about it, it has to go through.

And do you know what? He was very
embarrassed and he let himself down a

bit, but no one knew because he was
wearing a fresh pair of Gorton and

Denton.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Angela Aher and Glenn.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Now we play a game called You Think
That's Bad.

In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, there's a chance for

performers to compete to outdo each
other with tales of woe from their lives

and identify who is the worst.

and you care to start it off i'll go
first if you like i bought um a tumble

dryer this week because you know things
are going all right and um i got it home

and this tumble dryer is wi-fi enabled
and i don't really understand why and

it's made me really paranoid that the
russians are going to hack it and i

think they have because the other day i
took all the socks out and all the

little ones were inside one big one

you can actually save a lot of money on
a wi-fi enabled dryer if you set a vpn

to pretend it's somewhere warmer it's
really going to say that you have some

trousers that really need washing i
don't actually because i wear you think

that's bad uh my girlfriend's got this
parrot she keeps in this cage next to

the bed i hate it so much because it's
just such an idiot It's genuinely the

dumbest parrot I've ever seen in my
life. It thinks I'm called Jonathan and

keeps asking me to fuck it harder. It's
like, my name is Rhys.

If you think that's bad, I once texted
my dad saying, Hi, Dad, can you pick me

up tonight? But my phone changed the
word pick to oil.

Yeah, OK, Peter Mandelson, we believe
you.

If you think that's bad, the woman I'm
seeing at the moment thinks my name's

Jonathan.

Everything has just fallen into place.

Do you think that's bad?

Last week, my wife and I watched all the
episodes of Game of Thrones back to

back. Unfortunately, I wasn't the one
facing the screen.

What's the dragon like? Tell me what the
dragon is like.

Do you think that's bad? When I was at
school, I once called my teacher Dad

instead of Daddy. That was the worst.

You think that's bad? I just booked a
non-refundable holiday to Dubai in a

week's time.

I think that's bad. I've had a difficult
life. My earliest memory is getting hit

round the head with a cricket bat when I
was 28.

I think that's bad. I tried to impress a
girl once by putting my foot down on the

pedal, but apparently she'd seen a bin
open like that before.

I think that's bad. My own phone
auto-corrects my name to the word shit.

I hear it as shit, not shatter shit.

You'd assume it'd be shatter shit,
wouldn't you? I wouldn't perceive any of

that. I didn't perceive any of that.

Auto-corrects my first name to the word
shit. Auto-corrects my surname to the

word shag.

Which you are.

Angela and I had a very acrimonious
divorce.

I've got a boyfriend.

Can we, in the edit, just use that?

At the end of that round, the points go
to Angela Aher and Clare.

The next round is called Redacted
Redacted Andrew Redacted Mammoth and

Redacted Island.

This game involves Angela and Milton, so
if you could make your way to the

performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge. I
launch the wheel of news, and wherever

children stop, one of our performers can
step forward and talk about that

subject. The winner is whoever I think
is the funniest.

Okay, here we go. Let's start off with a
topic, please.

Let's spin the wheel.

The first topic is nudity. Who wants to
go in that?

Angela.

The look of fear on the audience's face.

not good at being naked i don't like
being naked i've tried all those things

you're supposed to do to be okay with
your own naked body you know you're

supposed to stand in front of a mirror
and say out loud all the things you love

about your body but unfortunately the
only thing i ever come up with is left

nipple marginally less hairy than right

I wish I was more German, really. German
people are really good at being naked.

If you've ever been on a holiday to the
Canary Islands, you'll know it's just

English pubs and German penises as far
as the eye can see.

Well, they have the highest number of
nudists per capita in the world. That's

true for Germans. They love getting it
out. But they do it in a very German

way. They're not all embarrassed like we
are, a red face.

Why wouldn't I want to get the air on
all my bits? It's just very German.

And I read about this because there's a
German nudist movement. You might have

seen... their beaches all over Europe.
They're called the FKK beaches, you

know, the fried corporate culture, the
free body movement.

And I'm telling you about it because I
read about the man who started that

movement in the 1920s in Germany, and
his name was, I shit you not, Adolf

Koch. Now... I can't stop thinking about
Adolf Koch back in 1920s

Germany, because I think there must have
been a moment, there must have been a

moment where he went, oh, no.

Oh no, I started a nudist movement and
my last name is English slang for male

genitalia. Oh no, thank God I've got a
nice normal first name.

that happen he didn't know what was
around the corner that's how you know

that hitler's the worst dictator isn't
it because he's ruined both these names

you can't call a baby adolf anymore
you're not allowed to you can still call

a baby benito you can still call a baby
joseph i said it to my friend he said

yeah you can still call a baby paul i
said paul he said paul pot i said that's

not his name glad you got that dara

That leaves us with Milton. Let's see
what your topic is. Spin the wheel.

Topic is... Espionage.

The Russians have infiltrated
everything.

Even the instructions to my cottage pie
last night said, Putin microwave.

Do you need to know something, ladies
and gentlemen?

I've spent some time in the secret
services.

The ones between Swansea and Cardiff on
the M4.

Where all the signs are encrypted.

I'm not quite sure why I lost my job
with MI5 as an interrogator. I didn't

like to ask.

They said that reports of me defecting
in a stairwell. I said they needed to

read the reports more carefully.

I was sponsored by Gorton and Denton.

Another time, I was supposed to put
bombs under ships in the harbour. I

accidentally filled all our breathing
equipment with nitrous oxide. I mean, we

laughed about it at the time.

By the time I woke up in the middle of
the night, there was a beautiful woman

in my bedroom. I said, who are you? What
do you want? She looked at me and went,

Nikita.

And sure enough, when I woke up in the
morning, my radiator was missing.

It's not a Nikita.

not easy to kill, not even a mouse.

In fact, I'm still banned from Euro,
didn't I?

Thank you very much, Colonel Jones.

Give that round of applause to Colonel
Andrew.

Will you come back, please?

Join us after the break for more Moxie
Week.

Our next round is called Picture of the
Week. I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what is
happening.

So, teens, what's going on here?

That looks like 8pm Christmas Day when
one person has still got their paper hat

on.

It's a serious occasion, so he's wearing
the formal presidential trucker hat.

That hat was actually Lincoln's.

Is this the picture of the happiest meal
anyone's ever had in a harvester?

That guy coming in through the curtain
going, sorry, I've got this room booked

from four for Zumba.

Is that what ChatGPT will show you if
you say, can I feed American Mock the

Week?

Would this be the least appropriate time
ever for a photographer to say, now

let's do a silly one?

Is this photo taken, like... Two minutes
after he said, which one is Iraq and

which one is Iran?

Come on, Donald, let's just plan one
more bombing, then you can stand in

front of the map again and pretend to do
the weather.

Well, they've hung black curtains and
drapes all around and it's completely

changed the shape of the room. Let's see
what the owners think.

I'm going to do something no president
has ever had the bravery to do.

Bomb the Middle East.

That woman does look like she's just
said, we did say that we would wear

white today.

Imagine Keir Starmer wearing a hat with
GB written on it. I mean, Gordon Brown,

all right.

Anyone have the correct answer, please?

It's Operation Epic Fury.

It is, of course. Thank you very much.

Yes, this is US President Donald Trump
pictured in the Situation Room from

where Operation Epic Fury was launched.
This is news that the United States and

Israel launched extensive airstrikes
against Iran. In response, Iran has

launched retaliatory strikes across the
region, and at the time of recording,

the conflict is still ongoing.

We are aware that it's a very sensitive
and fast-moving situation, and obviously

we're everyone's choice, Mock the Week,
to discuss this at some detail.

Yes, Mock the Week, they'll do a
brilliant job of really digging down in

a sensitive way to what is a very
delicate situation. internationally.

Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't it? It's so
American, isn't it? Might as well call

it Operation Kaboom.

What they should be calling it is
Operation Distract Everyone from the

Epstein Files for a bit.

Oh, shit, I've started a rally.

It's not the most FIFA Peace Prize thing
he's done.

I will say that while that's maybe not
the most important thing in some ways,

it is quite the most striking thing that
he's the first person to ever host a

World Cup and bomb one of the
participants in the building.

There are very few precedents for that.

I think you'll find Italy did it to
Trinidad and Tobago in 2006.

Very yeah, a lot of clever people out
there. I mean you remember fathom who's

saying he had a degree in chemistry and
combined in humanities Where

is the I

love that you just move on Dignify

Milton with response you just turn away

It gives it its time and then we move
on.

That's absolutely what we should do.
This is the situation room from which

this was launched. Where is this top
secret secure room? Is it at a wedding

venue? It looks like they've just torn
it off a bit of a wedding venue. It's

very much at a wedding venue.

It's got all the security of a mum
holding a towel in front of you at the

beach.

What's happening? Are they saying,
please stop talking about the war? Yeah,

sort of.

Can I remind you that you asked us?

At no point did I go, yes, I know we're
having some fun talking about shitting

yourself into trousers. I'd like to talk
about the war, please.

Shitting yourself into trousers.

I'm going to shit myself. In other

news.

What's going on here?

There's other news? Michael McIntyre's
tours hit Blackpool.

That's the smile of a man who actually
has a nuclear weapon.

This is how you solve a small boat
crisis.

He looks so shy.

Doesn't he know he's beautiful?

He is. He's so cute.

He's cute.

He is cute. We have to admit, he is
cute. He might be evil, but he's cute.

He's like a labubu made of asbestos.

He is cute. Is he a little grab the
cheeks?

Yeah.

20 years ago, you'd get, like, photos
developed at the chemist, and then

sometimes you'd end up getting someone
else's photo.

But it'd always look like this photo.

I had a busy morning playing Jenga with
massive bricks.

Yes, of course, it's a story that
Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong

-un, has officially named his successor
as his 13-year-old daughter, Kim Joo-ae.

Another photograph released this week,
wearing matching leather jackets,

looking very cool.

There they go!

Whoa, their jackets are matching.

Where'd they get them? The same shop?

They're the same height, and they're
nearly 100 bees tall.

What is amazing is that North Korea is
going to have a female leader before the

Labour Party do.

I didn't realise that Kim Jong-un
succeeded his own father.

And it's just like, it's so annoying
when you really like somebody and then

you realise they're a nepo baby.

Moving on. What have shop differences in
the UK been targeting?

Chocolate bars. Yes, chocolate bars. And
it's like a gang thing. Yeah. They found

bodies of ten men wearing concrete shoes
in Wonka's Chocolate River.

Now, apparently there was one man was
found with a...

a coat full stuffed full with cadbury's
cream egg and reader i married him

yeah chocolate has become the thing to
feel now there are lots of high value

chocolates out there credo's a 45p now
that's oh yeah that's the real chocolate

i can't believe people are stealing
chocolate maybe they should put a bounty

on their head

You can edit that out if you want. I
can't believe you didn't believe in

that, which is clearly the best joke of
the entire show.

I remember years ago going into a
newsagent and opening a packet of Ferro

Rocher chocolate and took the wrapper
off and stuffed them down my trousers

and then the shopkeeper stopped me on
the way out and a couple of them just

rolled out on the floor and he said, are
those chocolates?

And I said, I hope so.

Didn't read the story about the guy who
was caught with a coat full of cremation

all I could think is obviously I don't
condone violence, but imagine if they

shot him You

made

me come my own car

I'm washing my hands, and I'm washing my
hands, but the fondant won't come off.

Is that better? Is that more what you
want?

We can go back to this.

Insensitivity with the wall, or cum
jokes about cream eggs.

We only have two tones here.

Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway,
man. Whenever you're at the self

-checkout, it says, have you swiped your
Nexacard? It's like, no, I signed up for

it fair and square.

stolen to order, right? And I just
think, well, surely everything's stolen

because someone wants it.

Who's going, that looks shit, I'll have
it.

TLC.

Between the lines, if it's Glenn and
Rhys, would you make your way to the

press pit, please?

Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise
of a leading figure on the world stage,

while Glenn will translate what they
really mean. This week, Rhys is Peter

Mandelson.

Oh, good.

Good evening.

I am here to finally answer all your
questions. And at the end of the day,

there won't be a stain on my character.

I can't say the same about my pants.

I am not worthy of my period.

I'm the worst lord since Voldemort.

Let me be clear. I am not the Prince of
Darkness.

I have been stripped of that title.

I am now the Mountbatten Windsor of
Darkness.

The idea of me as some evil manipulator
is ridiculous.

My life is in ruins.

Who in their right mind would consider
employing me now?

I'm delighted to accept the role of
manager of Spurs.

I am proud to have created employment
opportunities for young people.

Thanks to Jeffrey Epstein, my husband's
a qualified osteopath.

I am embarrassed by the images of me in
the Epstein files.

I look like Winnie the fucking Pooh!

I am still good friends with Tony Blair.

Well, you recently texted me saying,
sorry, new phone, who did?

I still have plans to make a positive
contribution.

I will destroy Harry Potter and become
all powerful and immortal.

So what is going on here?

Is this a photograph of a man whose only
proven crime is friendship?

There is a male loneliness epidemic.

You've got to check in on your mates
10,000 times a day.

It's OK not to be OK.

That's what he was emailing. I mean, you
can live on an island and also be an

island.

I recognise this. That's the frustrated
look of someone happy to... to collect a

parcel that's been left with a
neighbour, even though he was in all

day.

It's weird to think that he's Nelson
Mandela's son.

It's not commented on enough, I think.

I mean, he must be in awful
disappointment with the family.

Imagine being Peter Mandelson now. Every
time the phone rings, he must shit

himself. But luckily, he's wearing
gauze.

OK, at the end of the round, the points
go to Sir Rhys and Milton.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Now we play a round called What on
Earth? I've got the panel at the top of

the image and ask them to tell me what's
happening. So, teams, what's going on

here?

Pull!

Is this how Jeffrey Epstein actually
died?

Is he saying, come on around, who
fucking wants some?

The thing about this picture is, that
guy on the right's camouflage is good,

but the six guys on the left's
camouflage is fucking amazing.

Is this the only gun that's got a
trigger big enough for his finger?

Has he just found an unconventional way
to scatter his mum's ashes?

sort of have the vibe of mummy's dead
and i can have a go now is he saying so

during trooping of the color this can
fire three t-shirts into the crowd oh

man if that's all that came out that
would be very funny if they did all that

they would treat yourself child is it

just for if any more of the family
decide to marry americans

Yes, it's actually an air rifle.

Oh!

Come on!

Well,

welcome to Radio 4.

Quip of the week.

Oh, God, not on the BBC anymore.

Yes, this is Charles handling a missile
launcher on a recent visit to an army

barracks. What further indignity has
Brother Andrew suffered this week?

Oh, it's terrible.

They've said that King Charles has told
him not to go horse riding, but I think

King Charles just told him not to mount
anything.

LAUGHTER When was this, then?

No, no, no.

That's a file photograph.

He didn't immediately go, well, screw
you!

LAUGHTER The big issue was the horse in
question. That's sugar.

LAUGHTER

would want to go horse riding anyway
because that's kind of an activity that

teenage girls are more in. Oh, I get it.
Okay.

Doesn't look good.

No. He looks horrible on a horse.

Charles said, we want you not to ride a
horse because it just doesn't suit you.

Andrew, you look shit.

Your legs are all out and down.

It's not a good look for you, Andrew.

Do you think those trousers have been
made by Gorton and Denton?

I don't think people would recognise
him, actually. Well, you can see the

bloke who was putting the lines on a
football pitch just went right over him.

Do you think he, you know, because he
must be stressed at the moment with all

this stuff that's going on.

I'm sure it's his fault, but he must
still be. Do you think he listens to

relaxation tapes to try and take the
edge off and it's like, just breathe,

imagine you're on a desert island and he
goes...

Apparently, now

he's been banned from River Island.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Angela Ahern-Glenn.

Now we turn to scenes we'd like to see,
so if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area, I'll read out
this week's topic, then we'll see what

our panellists can come up with. Here we
go, the first subject is unlikely things

to hear in hospital.

Come straight through, we're not busy.

Sorry, you're not going to believe this,
but it turns out that with this sort of

machine, turning it off and on again is
actually the worst thing you can do.

I'm afraid it's bad news.

I've left my wedding ring in your bum.

We have the results of your are you
allergic to chairs test.

You might want to stand up for this.

So you sat down suddenly on a golf
course and had sudden rectal pain.

That's a red flag for me.

Okay, just stand still for the x-ray.

Great. All right, let's do a silly one.

You can't keep prescribing pizza, Dr.
Oetker.

I've got the results from your x-ray.

He doesn't want to get back together.

Well, I was told that grieving and
shitting yourself during childbirth was

normal, but now apparently I'm a bad
midwife.

Son of a bitch.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Bitch,
it's a beautiful baby boy.

Mr. Smith, you've got a sausage up your
nose and mashed potato in your hair.

You need to eat more sensibly.

I appreciate that you're upset, and I'm
not trying to brag or anything, but I

said he had six months, and I got it
bang on.

Madam, when I said open wide, I meant
your mouth.

Well, Mr. Wallace, incredible to see.
They've done a very successful full face

and full body transplant.

I'm in the wrong room.

Yes, we first became concerned that you
had a problem with cholesterol when we

took a slice of blood.

We've lost him.

Oh, no, he's over there.

I'm afraid you're going to have to take
a pill a day every day for the rest of

your life.

So here's nine pills.

The parking here is free.

Bad news, you did shit yourself during
surgery.

But good news, you were wearing Gordon
and Denton trousers!

Going down?

Yeah, I'll tell you how your
grandmother's operation went in a

second, but could you just press that
button, please? The one that says

morgue.

Now, don't... Don't worry, this sort of
shooting, stabbing pain is very common

in people who've been shot and stabbed.

I've been a doctor for 30 years. Of
course you can show me your scar.

The surgery was a success.

We managed to amputate your leg with no
problems. And we kept the one with the

cool tattoo that says, amputate.

The next topic is...

Things you wouldn't hear in a cooking
show.

And this week it's a tricky skills test
as we ask our chef to negotiate peace in

the Middle East.

As you can see, this lamb just falls
right off the bone, which is why we're

at the vet.

I want that real home-cooked feel, so
I'm going to cock up the recipe, throw

it in the garden and tell my husband to
cook his own fucking dinner.

And today on Celebrity MasterChef, the
surrealist Icelandic singer is cooking

pjork.

Hate speech?

Hate speech? What do you mean, hate
speech? I just want to know the chairman

of the judges has a flavour of yoghurt
he doesn't like.

Oh, hate speech.

So if you just give a little tap on the
bottom, you'll lose your job at

MasterChef.

Well, as you can see, chopping up onions
has really made me cry.

But thank you for watching.

Today's episode is in memory of our
beloved family dog, onions.

Here's a little tip if you're making
your own sourdough. Shut up about it,

nobody gives a fuck.

Today I'm making a classic roast chicken
with an American twist.

The chicken's got a gun!

intentionally left the chicken raw in
the middle because i know greg wallace

is going to be tasting it simba i know

you thought it was selling out to do a
lion king cookery show but i brought you

a sandwich tuna tomato okay

this is mary berry saying you've got
Five minutes

left, bakers, and I'm getting fucking
hungry.

Now, do be careful, because if there's
too much oil,

there's a chance you'll be bombed by the
United States.

I like to call up the local Italian and
have sex with her instead of my wife.

Simmer for 20 to 30 years and then snap
and kill everyone.

Well, in 15 years of presenting Bake
Off, that is the most delicious pastry

I've ever tasted.

I think you've earned the famous Paul
Hollywood handjob.

Welcome to Is It Case? where you can't
believe it's cake and we can't believe

you watch this shit.

Once again, today we're going to be
making fruit wine.

I'm going to be using my feet to crush
the banana skin.

This dessert is rather naughty. In fact,
it features really quite prominently in

the Epstein files.

What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck? Fuck is that? This piece
of... That's not a souffle. That's a

piece of shit.

You're a fucking lowlife. How are you
going to win Junior MasterChef like

this?

Back to the end of that round. The
points go to Sarah, Rhys and Milton.

And that's the end of the show. This
week's winners are Angela Barnes, Aher

Shah and Zen Moore.

Commiserations to Milton Jones, Rhys
James and Sarah Keyworth.

Thanks for watching. I'm Daryl Breen.

Good night.