Original subtitles

- Fuckers online telling me always on the internet,

"Matt Rife ain't about this.

"Matt ain't about that.

"Matt just a pretty boy.

"He don't got jokes.

"He not even funny to me."

Shut the fuck up!

Y'all niggas ain't know shit!

All y'all motherfuckers talk about is,

"Matt Rife don't sell tickets.

"Matt a fuck boy.

"Matt ain't funny."

Shut the fuck up!

Y'all niggas don't be with that nigga!

Y'all don't see the work he put in,

blowing up on TikTok and shit.

Nigga been doing standup since fucking I don't know when!

Motherfuckers need to stop playing with him like that.

That nigga is savage out here.

If I catch another motherfucker talking sweet

about Matt Rife, I'm fucking beating they ass!

I'm not fucking playing no more.

You know that nigga's Steve's grandson.

♪ Young Chop on the beat ♪

♪ Ay ♪

♪ Ay ♪

♪ Bang ♪

♪ God, y'all some broke boys, God, y'all some broke boys ♪

♪ These bitches love Sosa, O end or no end ♪

♪ Fuckin' with them O boys, you gon' get fucked over ♪

♪ 'Raris and Rovers, these hoes love Chief Sosa ♪

♪ Hit him with that Cobra, now that boy slumped over ♪

♪ They do it all for Sosa, you boys ain't making no noise ♪

♪ Y'all know I'm a grown boy, ♪

♪ your clique full of broke boys ♪

- Oh my god.

Austin, what the fuck is up?

How is everybody? Good?

Let's go.

Oh my god.

Thank you guys so much for coming out.

This is so cool.

It means the absolute world.

Thank you, guys.

Just checking y'all out.

This is fun. This is good.

Gay?

One for one, baby.

Let's go!

Let's go!

Oh!

It's the energy I was looking for.

Thank goodness, man.

Oh my god, thank you so much for coming out twice.

I appreciate that.

It's very brave. Very brave.

I'm gonna be honest with you,

I wish my entire crowd was gay men, to be honest.

Dude, it's just an energy you want to be around.

You know what I mean?

Dude, I've never met a gay dude in a bad mood.

Not once.

Dude, I have been so jealous of gay men lately.

You have no idea.

That's what I'm talking about, man.

I've been so jealous, man.

Oh god, it just looks like a good time going on over there.

I wish I was gay for the fitness and the fashion alone.

Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm straight, but I'd love to be in gay shape.

You know what I mean?

You ever meet a gay dude?

They're in great shape every fucking time, man.

It's so impressive.

Gay dudes stay in the gym.

That's the guy's name, Jim.

They just stay in there.

They just turning it out, burning the calories, dog.

It's dedication.

You better respect it.

That's next level fitness, bro.

That's that level of in shape

that like you could fight off another grown man

if you wanted to, you know?

That's up to you.

You put in the work top or bottom.

That's you, dog. That's your prerogative.

God, and if they're not fucking...

If they're not fucking shredded,

they fucking dress impeccably.

You guys look fantastic.

Oh my god, I don't know if you guys know this,

but gay men have a stranglehold on the fashion game.

They are killing shit.

Bro, nobody in this world dresses better than gay men.

You better respect it.

It's pretty impressive.

I mean, you spend enough time in the closet,

you bound to find something, you know?

Boots.

Love it.

Oh man.

Exhausted, man.

We've been traveling a lot this year.

It's been very exciting.

It's one of the most fun parts about the job.

Obviously it's a little taxing as well.

I got a chance to go home recently.

I'm originally from Ohio.

I don't know if anybody's ever made that mistake.

I never go home.

I left 10 years ago right after high school.

And that's about it, man.

I go home maybe once or twice a year.

I'll go home for Christmas or something like that.

You know, I'll go home for the holidays.

I don't mind that as much,

'cause whenever I go home for Christmas,

I stay with my grandpa, and I love my grandpa to death.

He's probably the closest person to me in my family.

And I love staying with him 'cause whenever I'm not there,

he lives by himself.

And my grandpa's lived alone for like 15 years.

Been single 15 years.

Hasn't been on a date in 15 years.

Yeah, as you can imagine.

Carpal tunnel's on its way.

And because he's lived alone for so long,

he's kind of become this like crotchety, grumpy old man.

He doesn't like anything or anybody.

He just complains all day long.

You all know an old person like this.

He's always the hardest person to shop for

for Christmas every year.

So two years ago, it's mid-December, right?

I'm at my place in LA, I'm getting ready to go home,

you know, finishing up all my online shopping.

And it gets down to him every year.

I'm sitting there just racking my brain.

I'm like, "What the fuck do I get this dude?"

He doesn't like anything.

He doesn't like anybody.

He doesn't have anybody.

So I bought him a pocket pussy.

Normally I would be like,

"Does anybody not know what a pocket pussy is?"

But this is 6th Street.

Y'all be fucking banana peels

or whatever y'all can find out here.

Y'all in no position to judge my family, okay?

Bro, I just wish y'all could have been there

to see him open it on Christmas morning,

'cause we all thought he was gonna be like,

"What the fuck is this shit?"

But he was like, "Thank you."

"This is exactly what I needed."

I was like, "It's a fleshlight, not a purple heart, dog.

"Relax, okay?

"Stop feeling so honored."

He loved it, man, so obviously Christmas is a good time.

And then we fast forward a little bit.

Now we fast forward to that following February,

and I hadn't spoken to my grandpa since Christmas,

so I call him up.

"Hey, Steve.

"Steven, what's up, man?

"How you doing?

"I love you.

"I miss you.

"You know, Christmas was fun.

"It's always good to spend the holidays with you, you know."

"How was it?"

And there was just a silence

on his end of the phone.

I was like, "Are you using it right now?

"Like, fucking answer me, dog.

"Like, what's the review?

"You know, I'm interested."

He goes, "No, no, no, no, no, no."

He gets all defensive,

and I'll never forget these words for as long as I live.

He goes, "No, no, no, no, no.

"I...

"I broke her neck."

There is so much to unpack in that one sentence.

First of all, her?

You gave it a pronoun.

Now it's real.

Second, neck?

That's not even what it is.

And third, you broke it?

Dog, how hard are you going?

Fucking 15 years, you forget how to be a gentleman?

So we laugh about it on the phone for a couple of hours.

And now we fast forward to the following Christmas.

This is last Christmas.

Again, same time of year going home, finishing up shopping,

gets down to him.

So now I'm really struggling.

I'm like, "What the fuck do I get him this year?"

Like, how do I possibly top what I did last year, you know?

Clearly he enjoyed it.

And now my man hasn't had pussy since at least February.

So I doubled down.

Got him another one.

I got him two pocket pussies two Christmases in a row.

I'm grandson of the decade, easily.

Well, you know, obviously I was a little bit more aware

of what it was gonna be put through this time around.

I had to find him one more durable, right?

You know, something with a stronger neck.

Now I'm out here trying to find a pocket with traps.

Trying to find my Papaw a trap queen for Christmas.

And I fucking,

I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for.

I was so mad.

And then I think I found the next best thing.

I found this other pocket pussy

that I've never seen anything like it, it was remarkable.

It came with, it was like so souped up.

It came with all these like attachments and pieces.

It was like a Swiss army pussy.

It had a compass and a can opener.

And it doubles as a canteen

if you're lost in the woods, I guess.

But by far the best attachment this thing came with

was that like if you, if you...

Let's say you fuck this side of it, right?

Like, this is the entrance.

This side of it is a suction cup.

The idea being, you can fucking...

Put it to walls and shit if you need to, I don't know,

switch positions, work your legs,

you know, whatever it is you feel like you needed added

to your repertoire, you know?

And I got it for him thinking like, oh, this is so creative.

You know what I mean?

Now my man's got free roam in the house.

You know, he's not bed bound,

beating his dick like a pilgrim.

He's got options.

You know what I mean?

So I was excited for him,

but now I'm fucking terrified to go home this Christmas.

And there's just gonna be chunks of drywall missing

all around the house waist level.

Doing a bit of remodeling, are we?

His house looks like a mid demo project.

Like, goddamn, Papaw,

you literally fucked from the window to the wall.

Got your dick sucked down the hall.

Oh, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve.

He's disgusting.

But he is funny, man.

He's very funny.

I called him about a month ago,

and I told him I was gonna start telling this story on stage

'cause it's 100% true

and I think the world should know that.

And he's got such a good sense of humor, man.

He was joking with me back.

He was like, "You keep telling people that story,

"I'm gonna leave it to you in my will."

Which I think would be fucking hilarious.

I told him, I was like, "Yo, you should do that,

"'cause I'll fucking, I'll put your ashes in it,

"name it Ashley, and then I'll fuck it."

Just kind of keep it in the family, you know what I mean?

Just from generation to generation,

just so he can meet his great grandkids, you know?

Guys, it's called cream-ation.

Grow up.

Grow up.

- [Audience Member] You nasty!

- It's not your grandpa.

Yeah, my grandpa's funny, man.

You guys would like him.

You can judge him if you want to.

At least he got somebody.

It's hard to find your person, isn't it?

Dating's hard.

It's a very cliche topic.

Every comedian talks about how hard dating is,

but it's a relatable subject.

Something everybody goes through, you know?

It definitely gets harder depending on where you live too.

Like I said, I live in LA now.

It's the fucking worst, bro.

There's no good people.

Bunch of fucking heathens running around.

Nobody's going to heaven.

Not one person.

City of Angels. No angels.

It's depressing, man.

It's so depressing getting let down every time.

Like, I just expect it at this point.

Every first date I go on, as soon as I sit down,

I'm like, "All right, bitch, what is it?

"Ask me.

"Ask me what my sign is, I dare you.

"I'll split this check so fucking fast, I swear to God.

"Oh, you're a Pisces?

"Awesome.

"Yeah, charge it to her crystals.

"They were in the moon all night last night.

"So clearly they're juiced up."

I'm so fucking tired of hearing about astrology,

I swear to God.

It's all y'all care about.

I've stopped sending dick pics

and just started sending my star chart, to be honest.

It's getting me so much further.

So much further.

I hate it so much, man.

I have so many red flags now, bro.

And no patience.

That's the main thing.

It's like, I've been let down so many times

that like, now, if I see something

that triggers a red flag in me, I'm gone.

I'm not gonna wait around to be inevitably let down.

You know what I mean?

It's a waste of time.

And I've got so many red flags that there's some

that I want to get off my chest.

And I think maybe we'll find some common ground,

and maybe you'll think I'm crazy,

but I think it's worth finding out.

And we'll start slow.

We're easing our way into it.

We're gonna start with red flag number one.

And just a disclaimer,

this one is not gonna be the funniest one,

but I do think it's gonna resonate

with the most amount of people here.

Red flag number one is when she-

That bitch.

That bitch is red flag number one.

That is red flag number one.

Girls who don't drink enough water.

That's what it is.

Red flag number one is when

she has another guy in her life

who is consistently trying to sleep with her

and she refuses to acknowledge this.

This is good.

This is gonna cause a lot of fights in the car ride home.

This is my favorite one.

You clapping hard as fuck.

You had an argument recently.

- [Audience Member] I'm good!

- Like I said, this isn't the funniest one,

but you better believe every dude in here

in a relationship right now knows the guy in his girl's life

that he's like, "Fuck that dude.

"I'll kill him tomorrow."

It's so obvious to us, right?

As the boyfriend, this shit is clear as day,

we can spot it from a mile away.

Usually the beginning of the relationship, we'll clock it,

we'll pull you aside.

"Hey babe, I know you hang out with so-and-so,

"and that's fine.

"You're a grown woman.

"You can do whatever you want.

"I'm not controlling or anything,

"but just so you know, that dude's trying to fuck you."

And women will always have the exact same naive reaction.

"Babe, come on.

"Are you serious?

"Him?

"You're worried about him?

"He's literally like my best friend.

"Like, he's literally like a brother to me."

Word?

Oh, that's your brother?

Oh, I didn't realize

what kind of PornHub family tree you were associated with,

but shut it down, okay?

He's not your friend, he's not your brother.

He wants to enter your body holes.

End of story, okay?

Ladies, you have to understand,

the reason we are so passionate

about bringing this to your attention

is not because we think you're stupid.

It's not because we don't trust you.

It's that you're being taken advantage of.

You're hanging out with somebody

who's lying about their intention

so they can weasel their way into your life.

And that's not a real friend.

That's some shady shit to do.

So we're just trying to point out something

that's happening under your nose,

so hopefully you can be aware of it and put a stop to it.

I promise you, we are coming at it with good intentions,

and you still wanna get mad at us

and act like we're the crazy ones making this shit up.

"Oh, that is so ridiculous.

"Why would a guy go through all that trouble

"and pretend to be my friend just to sleep with me?"

I don't know.

But I've done it so many times.

I've done it so many times.

How do you think I got you, stupid?

Come on.

Oh my god.

Nobody has been a better friend than me.

Are you kidding me?

That's why dudes can spot the shit

'cause fucking game recognize game.

You know what I mean?

He'll do some shady shit, and we're like fucking,

"Good move.

"That's some shit I would've done, you know?"

"Fuck you, but respect."

He is not your friend, ladies.

And if you really do treat him like your best friend,

oh, that's so much worse.

'Cause if you treat him like your best friend,

that means you have gone to him with all of your secrets,

all of your problems.

He knows everything you like, everything you don't like.

You've probably complained to him

about everything your boyfriend does wrong.

So now this motherfucker has all the infinity stones...

To become the perfect guy for you.

So when you and your boyfriend finally break up,

who do you go running to?

Me.

And I've been waiting for this moment, boy.

Weeks, months, maybe years.

I've been waiting for this exact opportunity, bro.

I've been putting in work too.

I've been sending you memes in the morning.

I've been texting you, "How's your day going?"

I don't give a fuck about your day.

Are you stupid?

It's my day.

I care about my day.

Come on, man.

It's about patience.

All I've had to do is play it cool

and stay in the game long enough

and wait for the day that you come banging on my door,

crying your eyes out.

And I just have to play stupid.

Like...

"Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Hey, hey, hey.

"Why are you crying?"

"He said he doesn't trust me?

"That's crazy.

"Y'all broke up?

"Oh my god, I am so sorry.

"Some dudes are so insecure.

"Oh my god."

He's not your fucking friend!

Stop falling for his shit, ladies.

I'm trying to tell you.

- [Audience Member] Preach!

Preach!

Oh my god!

- Shut up.

Now I understand this is the part of the red flag

that I'm sure a lot of the women in the audience

are thinking, "Well, Matt, what about the reverse?

"How about when a guy has a girl friend?

"What about that?"

And I hear you.

Look, ladies, you can be,

look, a guy can have a girl that is just a friend.

No, listen, listen, listen, listen.

Listen.

I'll wait.

You as a girl can be just a friend to a guy,

but it means

ya ugly.

I'm sorry.

I know you don't wanna hear it,

but you just a homie with a ponytail.

I don't know what else to tell you, man.

Men and women can be just friends,

but one of y'all fucking busted, okay?

Somebody ugly, or maybe both.

Maybe both of you are ugly,

in which case y'all should be fucking anyways!

That's why it's called bumping uglies.

Like I said, that's not the funniest one,

but you got some thinking to do.

Oh man.

Red flag number two.

Red flag number two.

She cannot have any distinct physical features.

I'll explain.

Nobody feel targeted.

And before you get mad at me,

I'm not even the shallow one in this red flag, by the way.

It's my fucking friends

because all of my friends are Black,

and they will roast you within an inch of your life

if you have anything prominent about your face

that stands out at all.

They have cost me so many potential relationships.

I was seeing this girl last summer.

I thought maybe she was the one, man.

She was fucking beautiful.

She was smart, funny,

didn't know her dad.

She was new to town.

She was new to town.

She just moved to LA from Austin a couple months

before I met her.

Like, very sweet, innocent girl, right?

We were hanging out for a while.

We went on a handful of dates.

And everything was going great

until like just a couple of dates in.

I was hanging out with a bunch of my friends of mine

who I hadn't seen in a while.

So, you know, we're hanging out, catching up,

and they're grilling me about, you know,

what's going on, what's new, you seeing anybody?

And I was.

I was so proud and excited to be seeing this new girl.

So, you know, I broke out her Instagram.

I was like that's her.

And my friends immediately were like,

"Oh!"

Which is Black for, "I'm about to hurt your feelings."

They roasted this poor girl for like 90 minutes.

Did I laugh? Yeah.

But fuck those dudes.

I'm not gonna stop hanging out with her over it, you know?

I didn't.

We kept hanging out.

We went on a few more dates, until our last date, man.

We were at dinner, and she just laid it out there.

She was like, "You know what, Matt?

"I'm having a really nice time with you.

"And I think it's time we take this relationship

"to the next level,

"and we need to start incorporating our friends

"into our hangouts.

"You know, I need to meet your friends.

"You need to meet my friends.

"We'll all hang out together.

"See if our friend groups get along, you know?"

And I was like...

"Why?

"You know, why are you trying to rush things?

"You know, I'm having such a good time getting to know you.

"You know?"

She's like, "No, it's important that our friends get along."

And I was like, "No, I hear you."

"I don't think it's such a good idea."

And she started to get really upset.

She was like, "And why not?"

And I was like, "Because...

"Because we have the same chin."

She was like, "What?"

I was like, "You have like a cleft chin like how I have.

"It's very strong.

"It is a very masculine facial feature.

"And like I think it's cute obviously."

"But not everybody does."

She was like, "What are you trying to say?"

I was like, "My friends are going to roast you.

"They're gonna make fun of the way you look.

"I'm sorry.

"It's just how they are."

She goes, "Oh, that is so childish.

"Like, what are they gonna say?

"That I have like a butt chin?

"Ooh, so original.

"Like, I've heard it all before, babe."

And I was like,

"No, you haven't.

"I don't know how many Black friends you have,

"but this is kind of what they do, okay?

"Do you know that they call you the Texas Chinsaw Massacre?

"Did you know that?"

That was just off the top.

She was so offended!

She goes, "Oh, that is so rude.

"Is that all they know about me is what I look like?"

I was like, "No, they know you just moved here from Texas."

"To be a chin-fluencer, they said."

And now I miss her, man.

I know.

She was my little Chin-derella.

So stupid.

I appreciate you wearing your best shorts.

I know it's hot outside, but like this is still an event.

You know what I mean?

He's like, "I know I'm going to a comedy show,

"but just in case there's a trampoline."

Didn't even try.

You mowing the grass after this?

Goddamn, man.

Whatever. It's not your night.

You're right.

Pressure's on me.

Red flag number three.

Yeah, there's more.

Red flag number three.

A big red flag for me is if I don't have anything in common,

like hobby-wise with somebody.

Like, it's such a necessary relationship trait to have.

It's so easy to be physically attracted to somebody.

Obviously, it's everyone's first instinct.

But I think if you want longevity in a relationship,

you have to have that extra layer of compatibility, right?

You have to wanna do things together, I think.

So like a big red flag for me is like

if a girl doesn't go to the gym,

and that's just because it's a very big part of my life.

I love going.

I go every day.

I'm a very big advocate of going to the gym and working out.

And it's so good for your health.

Not just your physical, but your mental health as well.

Gets your endorphins going.

Get some of that stress relief out of you, you know?

But I do acknowledge that it's not for everybody.

It's intimidating for some people who don't go every day.

And I try to be cognizant of that.

And I try to help out the best I can.

Like, there may be some people in here right now

or maybe watching at home that want to get started

and just don't know how to take that first step.

And if there is anybody out there,

I highly recommend the program I just started

about six months ago that changed my life forever.

And that program is where I only

work out with Black dudes.

Exclusively.

Because Black dudes will push you to your limits

whether you want to or not.

I started about six months ago, man.

I was in the gym one day, and I was having a bad day.

I was stressed about something.

I was angry about something.

And I was like, "Man, fuck this.

"I'm gonna use this negative as a positive.

"I'm gonna use this aggression.

"I'm gonna put up some weight."

And I was hitting a chest day.

So I was like, "Fuck it.

"I'm gonna hit a new max on the bench press."

So I go in there, put the lighter weights on first,

get loosened up, get warm, you know?

And then you gotta put on the heavier stuff.

And when you do that, you're supposed to have a...

- [Audience] Spotter.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, spotter so you don't die.

And I didn't know anybody in there at the time.

Closest person to me was the Black dude

at the bench next to me.

So I walked over, I was like,

"Hey man, would you mind spotting me

"for this set real quick?"

And he was like, "Yeah, I got you."

I was like, "I feel like you do."

"Everything about your voice is safe.

"I feel like I can lift the world now.

"Okay, come on."

So we go over to the bench together.

He gets behind the rack in the spot position.

He's ready.

I lay down, and I'm trying to psych myself up,

get in the zone.

Line up my hands, get a good grip.

And finally I just finally, I just ah,

I get it off the rack.

I get one rep in.

Oh, I get two reps in.

I get stuck on the third,

and my arms start shaking, and he can see this.

So like any good spotter,

he has some words of encouragement.

I'm trying not to die.

And this man just gets in my ear...

And, "Do that shit!"

"Do that shit!

"It ain't nothing!"

I was like...

I said, "I don't know, man.

"I'm getting kind of tired."

He was like, "My people been tired!"

I was like, "Goddamn."

"I'm sorry!"

It was only like 255.

You add white guilt on top of that,

it's like 500 pounds, man.

I was like, "Is this pre-workout or a history lesson?

"What are we doing, dog?"

I racked that shit up.

I was like, "I appreciate you, man.

"I was struggling at the end."

He was like, "You don't know struggle."

Fuck, man.

Can't have anything.

So that's my new routine whenever somebody's like,

"You look good, Matt.

"You on a diet?"

I'm like, "Yeah, it's called White Watchers.

"You should try it."

It's when Black people watch white people struggle.

You will sweat. I promise you.

This is one of the whitest crowds I've ever seen

in my entire life.

Bro, I'm uncomfortable.

Y'all are so white.

Is this a comedy show or a meeting?

Goddamn.

Oh my god.

I'm sorry.

Red flag number...

We could try something different.

This could be fun or it could be a fucking nightmare.

But I think we can have fun.

So the thing is I could do red flags for hours.

And they could be funny.

We could all laugh, have a guaranteed good time.

But who wants to do that?

And a lot of times I don't like to do a lot of red flags

because it is very male to female.

You know, it's listing things

that men don't like about women,

and I don't want that to be unfair, one-sided, or sexist.

So to even it out sometimes I'm genuinely curious,

like for the women in the audience,

what might be some red flags for a guy if you go on a date

with him and he says or does this

that makes you kind of be like, "Ooh, I don't know."

Hold on, I'm gonna go balcony.

I'm gonna go balcony.

What is it?

Is it a good one?

- [Audience Member] Splitting the check!

- Splitting the check.

Okay.

Splitting the check.

On a first date?

- [Audience Member] On a first date, he asked.

- He asked?

In the beginning of the date?

- Middle of the date.

- Towards the middle?

Oh, you were boring.

In the middle.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah, two checks.

Two checks would be great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So where'd you say you were from?

How recently was this?

- Shoot.

Five months ago.

- Five months ago.

Okay, and you're still upset.

Hold on.

Where did you go to eat?

- The Gin, in Temple.

- [Matt] What is it?

- The Gin in Temple.

- [Matt] The Gin in Temple. What is that?

- [Audience Member] Garbage!

- [Audience Member] Garbage!

- Rude.

What kinda restaurant is that?

- I mean, they have catfish, steak, like whatever.

- You had catfish and steak?

- It's like a roadhouse.

- It's like a roadhouse.

An expensive roadhouse.

Okay.

Well, yeah, I mean maybe...

Did you like him?

Until that moment, did you like him?

- [Audience Member] No.

- I'm curious. I'm curious.

Until he asked to split the check,

were you like, "This is going good"?

- Yes, yes. - You were?

Uck.

Oh my god.

Let me ask, did you sleep with him?

- Yes.

- Wow!

Oh my god.

He split you and the check in one night.

Oh my god.

Did he leave a big tip?

- He was sweating when we did it,

and that was the last time.

- That was an unnecessary detail.

What'd you say?

- I said he was sweaty when we did it,

and that was the last time.

- He was sweaty after.

Yeah, my man was putting in work.

That's good,

I would think.

Well...

I'm sorry you got half of a meal.

All right, well, one for one.

What's another fun one?

Do you have a fun one?

What is it?

- He says he's taking hormone therapy,

but now he's huge and does steroids.

- Ooh.

This is gonna get cancelable.

Let's do it!

When he says he's on hormone therapy,

but he's just fucking jacked?

So hormone therapy, what's that supposed to do?

Balance it out, basically?

- Yeah, something like that.

- So what?

He says he has too much like natural testosterone?

- No, he doesn't have enough.

- He doesn't have enough?

Okay, how long have you been seeing this man?

- Oh, 30, 25 years.

- 25 years?

What? Where'd you meet him?

You met him when you guys were kids.

So he tells you he's going on hormone therapy

to get more testosterone.

But you think he's on steroids?

- Oh, I know so.

- You know so?

Did you find them?

- [Audience Member] Yes.

- Could you get me some?

I'm trying to get in gay shape, dog.

Let's go.

I'm taking all the shortcuts.

You did find some?

Was it a needle or a pill?

- I think he is in gay shape.

- She said she thinks he is in gay shape.

The plot thickens.

Oh my god.

This is the bigger red flag now.

He has his workout buddies?

Do you have a picture of him?

I wanna see what his gaydar says about, oh fuck!

Goddamn it!

The phones are locked up.

Goddamn.

Your phone is in a hormone blocker.

Goddamn it.

Okay, after the show, I want to see this.

Yeah, that's a valid red flag.

You don't want somebody

who's lying about an obvious appearance thing.

Like, if you're clearly on steroids,

just own up to this shit.

It's fine.

It's fine to do it.

If that's the body you want and the life you wanna live,

you can fucking do that.

It's fine.

As long as you can still get your dick up, you fine.

He can't?

Then it's not okay.

Stop what you're doing immediately.

Stop seeing him.

Okay.

- [Eric] Let's unlock her phone.

- Can we unlock your phone?

- [Eric] We're gonna do it right now.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- [Eric] Stay up front, Matt.

- Okay, okay.

Bro, what if it's just a picture of me?

Eric's like, "Unlock the phone,"

and I'm like, "Nah, we don't gotta do all that.

"We don't gotta...

"Let's just take her word for it."

Oh my god, that's it?

That's what you unlock 'em with?

That fucking flying saucer?

Can I?

May I see your phone?

There we go.

Pass it over.

Oh, this is great.

This better be worth it.

There we go.

Pass that back to her.

There we go.

I just gotta see a picture of this guy,

and then I wanna see what you think.

I wanna test this gaydar.

Let's go.

Goddamn!

Bro, he has the traps

that my grandpa's pocket pussy wishes it had.

Oh my god.

Why is his neck so big?

Oh my god, this motherfucker looks so unsure.

Okay, resident gay.

What are we thinking? What are we thinking?

- [Audience Member] Smash or pass?

- What is it?

- The pose.

- The pose? He's gay?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Any excuse to drink?

Go ahead.

No, this is good.

Whenever we out a gay, an angel gets his wings.

This is good. This is good.

Everybody knows that.

You know what's fucked up?

I've posed like that before, so I was like...

"That's fine."

Okay.

Two for two.

Good. See?

All right, that was good.

We're gonna do one more for an even three.

I don't know if you could top that.

But what's a more fun one?

College baseball?

Oh man, you've been fingered in a dorm for sure.

Okay, good.

Okay.

All righty.

Let's dive into this.

All right, all right,

so who went pro and didn't take you with him?

Who was it?

All right, what is it

that you don't like about college baseball players?

- Oh my gosh.

The ego.

It's the ego.

- The ego of playing a collegiate sport at a high level?

He can't be proud about that?

- And thinkin' that he's the best one.

- The seventh pitcher on the team?

I love how you're clowning him for that,

but low-key, you fucked the seventh pitcher on the team.

Yo, your pussy is the bullpen.

Do you know that?

Strike one.

So it's just an ego thing?

That's the only thing you don't like about it?

'Cause he could just be proud to be playing a sport,

'cause I love playing high school sports.

I didn't get to play at a college level,

but I would've been very excited to.

- He's not just playing sports,

he's playing everyone in my friend group.

- Oh.

- I never fucked him either.

I never fucked him.

- You never fucked him?

Damn, you couldn't even fuck the seventh pitcher

on the baseball team?

Damn.

Strike two.

Oh my god.

Where did you go to school?

- I didn't go to school.

- You didn't go to school?

You didn't go to college?

Strike three, bitch.

You're outta here!

Oh my god.

That could not have went better.

That could not have went better.

Oh my god.

Have you tried little league?

- [Audience Member] C'mon!

- For the love of the game.

Come on, guys.

Okay.

Well, that was fun.

It's a fun portion.

No more crowd work.

Nobody yell out.

Nobody else yell out anything.

That chapter's done.

That's fun. That's fun.

I like doing that portion of the show

'cause it's like obviously I come out here,

I list all these red flags

and their standards that I've set for myself.

But it's nice to know

where other people draw the line, you know?

What are some other people's red flags?

Is it something that could apply to me?

You know, there's a lot of self-reflecting

that I think people need to do more often.

Use that time.

When you're single, if you're single, use that time.

Do some self-reflection.

Think about the kinda shit you like.

I went through a horrible breakup

at the beginning of this last year,

and I thought it was such a low moment.

I was like, "This is such a low in my life.

"Nothing positive was gonna come out of this."

But I did some thinking,

and it made me realize so much about myself.

Made me think about the standards I wanted to set.

But it also made me think

about how much I fucking hate

being single.

This shit is so trash.

It's so trash.

People overhype the fuck outta being single, don't they?

Especially the freedom aspect of it.

As soon as you're single again, all your friends are like,

"Oh.

"You can go sleep with whoever you want."

No, you can't.

No, you can't.

You couldn't before.

Why could you now all of a sudden?

Also that's not even like an appealing factor

of being single to me.

I don't like sleeping

with a bunch of different people anyways

'cause I don't like-

Yeah, it's not fun.

That's not fun, man.

I don't like inconsistent feedback.

Bro, my ego can't handle it, dog.

I'm too fickle, okay?

I need to know where I stand sexually at all times, okay?

That's the best part of any long-term relationship.

If you've been together long enough,

you probably have pretty good sexual chemistry.

It's why you stuck around.

You like what they like, they like what you like.

Meshes pretty well.

The relationship that I ended earlier this year,

that was the best part about it.

We stayed together months after we should have

just 'cause we had that sexual chemistry.

It's a hard spark to walk away from.

It's fun.

It makes you feel good about yourself.

You know, I was getting my ego stroked daily.

Like, how the fuck you walk away from that?

It's so much fun.

I knew with this girl there was like a certain position

I could put her in,

and if I hit her with like the right move, just bow,

then like she couldn't handle that.

Like, it was too much dick for her.

She was like, "Oh, my stomach."

And I'm like, "Shut up.

"Whatever.

"It is not in your stomach

with your shallow guts.

"Whatever."

I should call her.

Fuck, man.

Don't. Don't call the ex.

Don't do it.

Don't fall for it.

The sexual chemistry will make you ignore

all the other red flags,

the shit you should be paying attention to.

Like, my ex and I, we had great sexual chemistry,

but our communication was fucking terrible.

We could never talk anything out.

There was ever a point that I needed to get across to her,

I would just have to like finger her in morse code

or something.

Then the next day my boys were like, "How'd the talk go?"

I'm like, "It was terrible.

"This bitch just sat back

"and rolled her eyes at me the whole time.

"Luckily I can read lips."

Hate it.

But, you know, single again.

Back to the streets.

Now I just gotta

have sex with all these women.

I don't wanna do it.

I'd rather be in a relationship personally,

but somebody had fucking other plans.

And I want y'all to think about that the next time you're

about to chastise a dude for being a fuck boy.

Like, "Oh, oh, you just a fuck boy.

"You out here sleeping with all these girls.

"You don't even want to be in a relationship.

"You're just a fuck boy."

Maybe he's not a fuck boy.

Maybe

he's sad.

Maybe behind every fuck boy is a man

who once loved too much.

Or maybe that's exactly what a fuck boy would say.

TBD.

But while I'm single,

I'm trying to use this time to be self-reflective,

work on myself,

think about what are some of the red flags I bring

to the table?

Is there something I could be working on?

And a major one, a major red flag for me

that's been brought to my attention

that I didn't realize was as big of a deal as it is,

and it's, you know, in relation

to the climate we live in today.

And that red flag is that apparently I'm not very

PC.

I'm not very politically correct.

Sorry, I don't know

if that term made it down here yet or not.

Y'all don't seem to give a fuck.

And when I say that, I just mean like,

I'm not one of those people who tries so fucking hard

to like prove how woke, what a good person I am,

'cause that shit comes across as so disingenuine

and corny to me.

Like, you're clearly pandering so hard.

You can be a good person

without it being your entire fucking personality.

You know what I mean?

It's so exhausting, man.

As long as you know your heart's in the right place,

you're doing the best that you can.

You don't need to prove yourself

on Twitter every fucking day.

And obviously I'm referencing the extremes.

These like woke internet warriors

or whatever you wanna call 'em,

these fucking losers who spend their whole life trying

to cancel people on the internet.

That shit pisses me off so much

because they're ruining a good agenda.

Cancel culture is not necessarily a bad thing.

I get what they're trying to do is eradicate negativity

in the world and get rid of some bad toxic shit,

and we do need that.

But a lot of that gets lost in translation

when they carry it out because they themselves

are such bitches, dog.

Oh my god, bro.

And that drives me insane because I'm on their side.

I hate the same shit they hate.

Off the top of my mind, I can think of

homophobia.

Homophobia is a massive pet peeve of mine

because it doesn't fucking affect you.

Who somebody else loves has nothing to do with you.

And it is always the ugliest fucking dude

who's the most homophobic, isn't it?

The most toothless motherfucker from Corpus Christi.

To be on some, "I'm not with that gay shit."

They're not with you either, bro.

Have you met a gay guy?

They're handsome.

They're in good shape.

They can fuck your girl so fast, okay?

Be thankful they took a competitor off the board.

I hate it so much, man.

They're such a pain in the ass.

And as you can imagine, you all have the internet,

it makes our job incredibly difficult.

Nobody's allowed to joke about anything anymore.

Everyone wants to complain about every joke ever told.

And that's so frustrating

because I mean, you guys have been here the whole show,

you know I have a pretty fucked up sense of humor.

Like, I love dark shit.

Like, the darker the better to me.

I love that so much.

Keep that same energy.

Like, I love fucked up stuff.

But again, I'm okay making those jokes

because I know my heart's in the right place.

And even though I acknowledge

that that sense of humor isn't for everybody,

I'm okay with that

because I don't need to impress everybody.

The same way you wouldn't try to be friends

with everybody, right?

You'll find your people as your life progresses.

So it's like, yeah, I might get in trouble

or yeah, some people might not like the jokes that I tell,

but I'm gonna tell the jokes that I wanna tell,

and hopefully my audience will gravitate towards that,

and we can all get along and have a fucking cool friendship,

you know?

It gets tricky sometimes.

I'll do jokes that a lot of people wouldn't wanna tell

or don't wanna listen to sometimes.

Like, you know, sometimes I'll do jokes

about like trans people

'cause it's funny.

Sometimes.

Not in a disrespectful way.

It's never a disrespect.

I'm just making light of a situation,

so we can all laugh rather than be touchy and upset.

That's all it is.

And this is what's so funny.

The energy in the room is exactly what I'm talking about.

Subject matter is what triggers people.

I haven't even said the joke yet.

All I said was trans people,

and everybody in here got a tight asshole.

Everybody.

Not you guys.

But everybody else.

Everybody else tightened the fuck up.

This special is presented by poppers.

If you don't know what poppers are,

get you some gay friends, change your life,

change your life.

But that's what I'm talking about.

All I did was say a trigger word,

and people are automatically already uncomfortable.

You guys are worried about being canceled,

just being in the room.

Like, it's so funny to me.

'Cause the jokes that I tell, they're never disrespectful.

They're always with the utmost respect.

I never wanna hurt anybody's feeling.

They're just some jokes,

just to say some goofy shit and make the world laugh.

That's all.

And people will still come up to me

after the show saying the same angry rant every time,

just fucking, "You cannot make jokes about trans people

"because what they're going through is so incomparable

"and you can't imagine how hard their life is

"and the shit that they have to go through.

"Therefore, you can make jokes about trans people."

And I hear you.

I hear you loud and clear.

But...

The point that you're trying to make is you're saying,

I can't make jokes about somebody

because of how hard their life is.

And you are making very valid points

in that I don't know how hard that life is.

I imagine it is tremendously harder than my life.

I can't imagine how hard that is to go through,

and I wish you the best of luck.

But...

At the same time, to retort that argument,

you also don't have

the hardest life.

You know who has life way harder than trans people

that we never talk about?

People in wheelchairs.

Think about it.

Comparatively, people in wheelchairs

have a much harder life.

Do they complain about it?

No.

We gave 'em a couple of ramps and kept it pushing.

Look, some people are gonna think

this is an insensitive comparison.

I think it's a step in the right direction personally.

I think if we want to head towards trans equality,

we fucking start with better parking, you know?

It's the least we could do, it's the least we could do.

I don't know where we'd put 'em.

We can't assign them anything.

God.

Just joking, just joking.

Relax.

Hey, look, if you let it be,

this can be the most fun part of the show, okay?

If you just have fun for the next 15 minutes,

we're all gonna laugh at some things

that we don't think we're allowed to laugh at.

Oh, oh, is it like a naughty thing

if I laugh at a joke at a comedy show?

Have fun, okay?

Do not get sensitive now.

Don't fucking sit there

and feel like you need to defend the wheelchair community.

They can fucking stand up for themselves, okay?

Goddamn it, you guys.

Stop being hesitant, okay?

Knock it off.

People in wheelchairs come to comedy shows all the time.

It is incredibly common.

And you know what?

They are some of the best audience members

you could ever ask for.

They come, they laugh their asses off.

And I'll tell you the reason I believe that to be true.

And it's because I think they've gotten themself

to this point of understanding and this positive mindset

that no matter the hand you've been dealt in life,

no matter how hard things might be for you,

if you can learn to find the light

in whatever dark situation you're going through

and you can learn to laugh at the things

that should make you miserable,

including yourself sometimes,

that's how you fucking win life.

And you are going to be a significantly happier person.

If you can learn to laugh in the face of adversity.

I know this seems harsh,

but I have little to no respect for anybody

who wakes up every day and makes the decision to live

with a victim's negative mentality of,

"Oh, everything's awful.

"Everyone's out to hurt my feelings."

Only because that's not fair to you.

That's not fair to yourself.

Your life is so short and so precious,

you deserve to have the best fucking time you possibly can

and laugh your way through life

and be as happy as you can no matter your circumstance

and no matter what anybody fucking says about you.

You deserve that.

Have some fun.

We're only here for a second.

Have some fun, man.

And that's why I chose the comparison that I did.

A lot of people think it's an insensitive comparison

in the beginning, comparing those two groups,

but it's because the positive message

that I'm trying to put out there,

and I want people to remember,

is that no matter what you're going through,

I would never negate that.

But I want you to remember, if you think your life is hard,

somebody has it worse.

Try to remember that.

Be grateful, be happy, and enjoy your time no matter what.

And that's what I love about this example

is because if you think about the life of somebody

in a wheelchair, that's fucking hard.

That's a daily obstacle to overcome

to do anything every day.

And the fact that they can laugh their way through that,

we should all be able to.

That's why I have so much respect

for the wheelchair community

is because regardless of what they're going through,

people in wheelchairs are never annoying

about their situation.

Until they're getting on the bus.

I don't know how many of y'all have been stuck

behind a city bus letting somebody in a wheelchair on,

but it is fucking excruciating.

You're behind 'em trying to make that right turn,

and they're fucking

Put this motherfucker on the bike rack and let's go!

That is the only time I have ever lost my patience

on a handicapped person

is when they're fucking up traffic, okay?

Other than that,

they're angels.

Look, if you're still upset about the comparison,

feel free to think about it and tell me I'm wrong.

Let's say you did.

Let's say you took somebody with no legs

and a trans person,

and you put 'em in the same room,

the same handicap accessible room.

See who you think has the harder life.

I feel like I'm trapped inside of another person's body.

So you have four legs?

You're not listening.

It's not about that.

It's sometimes my mental health will take such a toll

that I could just, I could just jump off of my balcony.

Jump?

What's that?

You're not hearing.

People will call me the wrong pronouns.

Someone called me Chariot Tubman the other day.

You think a pronoun's the worst thing you can be called?

Come on.

- [Audience Member] What about a trans person

in a wheelchair?

Oh, you mean trans-portation?

Don't test me, dog!

Oh shit.

Look, this is a hard joke to pull off.

It's like a prosthetic leg.

Like, you just gotta...

No, no, it is, it is, obviously.

You take two marginalized groups of people

who are going through a tough time

and you think you can't make jokes about that.

But you can.

The joke works if my point is inarguable, and

I think it is.

I think those examples speak for themself.

I guess I just can't wait for the day

that I'm doing this joke at a show

and there's a trans person in the audience

who gets so offended they walk out,

and I'm just like,

"Show off."

Some of y'all are still on edge, and it's very annoying.

Okay, I'm gonna give it one last try.

I'm gonna give it one last try to get y'all all on my side.

This is my last attempt to get through to y'all, okay?

I was working on this joke when it was like brand new

about like eight weeks ago, right?

I was in Arizona, and it's a new joke.

I'm trying to figure it out.

Obviously it's a little tricky to navigate.

Obviously it teeters a very fine line of offensive

and funny,

which is where you want your jokes, you know?

Have some fun, push the boundaries, you know?

So I'm working on it.

I'm trying to make it the best it can be.

And I can see out of the corner of my eye,

front row, left side of the stage is a young woman

in a wheelchair,

and I'm in the middle of like the trans

versus wheelchair material.

And I can see outta my peripheral vision,

she's laughing her ass off.

I'm serious.

This girl is, she's slapping her knee.

She can't feel it, but she's slapping her knee.

Like, this bitch is rolling.

You know what I mean?

She's fucking, ah.

You know how they'd be laughing?

Ah.

Handicap people laugh like they're getting good head,

just, ah, ah.

She's so obviously having a great time, right?

So when the joke was over,

it dawned on me that I had a very unique opportunity

to get an inside perspective on this material.

And in order for a joke like this to work,

it has to be funnier than it is offensive.

And again, I want it to be.

I never wanna hurt anybody's feelings.

It's just jokes, man.

It's as simple as that to me.

But I'm always open to conversation.

So when the joke was over, I asked her.

I was like, "Out of curiosity was anything I said

"in that joke offensive?"

And still laughing, this woman says, "No, no, no, no.

"It was so fucking funny.

"And I want to thank you for including me."

I had never...

I had never realized

that so many people were so uncomfortable

around handicapped people

that a lot of the times they won't even laugh

about some of the same things they want to laugh about

and things that they think are hilarious.

So getting that confirmation

is what gave me all the confidence I needed to know

that these jokes are okay to tell

and we are allowed to laugh at them, you know?

Her and I were on the same page the whole time.

We both know that's what you do to vegetables,

you roast 'em!

Ah!

Bro, if you didn't laugh at that shit,

I would never be your friend.

Fuck you, dude.

Fuck you.

Bro, then I fucked her.

That's the crazy thing.

It was after the show.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I'm not saying it was me,

but she wasn't walking the next day, I'm just saying.

I'm just saying.

I was like, "Can you feel it in your stomach?"

She was like, "I can't feel anything."

I was like, "Yeah."

My name is Matt Rife.

Thank you guys so much for coming out.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

- [Audience Member] Take your shirt off!

- Listen, listen.

For one second.

First and foremost, thank you all so much.

This means the absolute world to me.

And I know...

I know we laughed a lot in the past hour,

but if you wouldn't mind,

there is something important I would actually like

to share with you guys.

And it's something I wanted to address about this special,

it's very important to me is the name of the special

being "Matthew Steven Rife."

It's my full name.

If you guys buy the DVD,

you can get my social security number too.

But it's my full name.

Obviously Matthew and Rife being my first and last name

and my middle name being Steven.

And I'm named after my grandpa.

The same pocket pussy grandpa.

And just to clarify, yes, that story is 1,000% true.

Zero embellishment.

He's a fucking monster.

But the reason we've decided to,

this special was gonna be named something totally different.

And I wanted to dedicate this special to my grandpa

because just under two weeks ago, he passed away.

And the whole show,

I mean, this whole special taping almost didn't happen.

I mean, he was my absolute...

My best friend, and I love him and miss him so much.

And he wasn't able to come

to my first special taping last year.

So for this one, I was like scrambling.

I was like, "Do I even want to do this one?

"It doesn't feel right to do a show without him."

So, I mean, we scrambled together.

We changed some of the set for it.

Like, this right here is his hat

that he wore like every single day.

There's even a photo.

There's a black and white photo of like he and I

when I was a baby.

Clearly we were on the set of one of his '70s pornos.

And I miss him a lot.

And like I said, he wasn't able to come

to my first special taping last year

because it was kind of the height of COVID and everything.

He also hadn't been on a plane in like 30 years.

So for this one, a couple months ago,

like four or five months ago

when we decided we were gonna do this special,

I really, really wanted to fly him out here.

And he was very excited to,

'cause I wanted to kind of immortalize

and in front of everybody that was here tell him

just how much he meant to me and just thank you

for every single thing that he did for me.

I mean

You guys really don't understand.

I spent every weekend with him when I was a kid.

Like, he's the one that showed me like, all these funny,

we would sit around and watch like Adam Sandler movies

and stuff like that.

You know, very inappropriate movies for a child to watch.

And he was very funny.

Like, he's definitely the reason I have a sense of humor.

And when I was starting out doing standup when I was 15,

how open mics work a lot of the times,

I started out at the local comedy club in Columbus, Ohio

called The Funny Bone.

And they would have these open mics,

and how those work a lot of the times

is they're called bringer shows.

So you'd have to bring five people

in order for you to get stage time.

And I was 15, all my friends were in middle school.

So obviously I couldn't have anybody come.

So my grandpa would buy five tickets

so that I could get stage time and do like this silly thing

because he thought I was so funny.

I really wish he was here to see all of you people here

and just to let you guys know if...

If I have ever made any of you laugh ever,

it's because of him.

That's why like when we were going over the stage decoration

for how we were gonna do this stage,

like I wanted it kind of plain and rugged.

But then obviously I wanted him here at the show so bad,

which is why we decided to leave a seat open for him

on the stage, hoping he would want to watch the show.

And as heartbreaking as it is that he couldn't come

and be at the show himself, fortunately enough

Ashley could.

So in the name of Steve,

this one's for you, Papaw.

Thank you so much!

♪ These bitches love Sosa, O end or no end ♪

♪ Fuckin' with them O boys, you gon' get fucked over ♪

♪ 'Raris and Rovers, these hoes love Chief Sosa ♪

♪ Hit him with that Cobra, now that boy slumped over ♪

♪ They do it all for Sosa, you boys ain't making no noise ♪

♪ Y'all know I'm a grown boy, ♪

♪ your clique full of broke boys ♪

♪ God, y'all some broke boys, God, y'all some broke boys ♪

♪ We GBE dope boys, we got lots of dough, boy ♪

♪ Don't make me call D. Rose, boy, he six double-O, boy ♪

♪ And he keep that pole, boy, you gon' get fucked over ♪

♪ Bitch, I did sell soda and I done sell coca' ♪

♪ She gon' clap for Sosa, he gon' clap for Sosa ♪

♪ They do it for Sosa, them hoes, they so off of Sosa ♪

♪ Tadoe off that molly water, so nigga be cool like water ♪

♪ 'Fore you get hit with this lava ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm the trending topic ♪

♪ Don't care no price, I'll cop it, B ♪

♪ And your bitch steady jockin' me ♪

♪ These bitches love Sosa, O end or no end ♪

♪ Fuckin' with them O boys, you gon' get fucked over ♪

♪ 'Raris and Rovers, these hoes love Chief Sosa ♪

♪ Hit him with that Cobra, now that boy slumped over ♪

♪ They do it all for Sosa, you boys ain't making no noise ♪

♪ Y'all know I'm a grown boy, ♪

♪ your clique full of broke boys ♪

♪ God, y'all some broke boys ♪