Original subtitles

Watch it, sailor!

Watch it, sailor!

Love is abroad no matter where you may be

Watch it, sailor!

Watch it, sailor!

Lock up your hearts whenever you're in from sea

Wherever a port or harbour

Can be seen upon the chart

You'll find a dame all ready to claim

A lonely sailor's heart

Watch it, sailor!

Watch it, sailor!

Once you hold her hand you'll land in love

Watch it, sailor!

Watch it, sailor!

Love is ahead wherever the fleet's afloat

Watch it, sailor!

Watch it, sailor!

Somebody's kiss can help you to miss the boat

No matter if it's Hawaii or the Straits of Singapore

The girls are there, you'd better beware

There's danger on the shore

Watch it, sailor!

Watch it, sailor!

Once you hold her hand you'll land in love ♪

Did you invite those two, Emma,

or are they friends of the sailor?

Give you the willies, don't they?

Still, I suppose we mustn't grudge them a bit of pleasure.

Makes a change for 'em, a wedding.

I should have listened to my father.

He warned me.

"Take a look at the bride's mum," he said.

"There's your wife," he said, "in a few years' time."

Oh, come on, Albert. We'll be late.

- I'll have another, please. - Oh, no! No, Albert,

you mustn't arrive in church smelling of liquor.

But it's my voice, my nerves.

I won't be able to say, "I will".

"I will"?

Never use those words, son.

Look upon that picture.

And on this.

Before...

and after.

Two years of married bliss

and a mother-in-law.

Don't do it, son.

"Turn again, Whittington..."

- And run for it. - Yes, sir.

Albert, you've got to go to the church and get married.

A man doesn't count for anything.

When he's born, they say, "How's the mother?"

And when he marries, they say, "Oh, lovely bride!"

And when he dies, they ask,

"How much has he left?"

You're wasting your breath. They've gone.

Ah, that's right, go on. Rush to your doom.

Nobody listens.

The only time my wife ever listens to me

is when I'm talking to another woman.

They're here!

Have you been a bridesmaid before?

Been a bridesmaid? That's the story of my life.

Then you know what to do.

Follow the bride discreetly and demurely.

He's not here!

Oh, get in! Ooh!

Don't worry, boys.

Bit temperamental, this engine, like my old woman.

- But I know her. - Oh, for Pete's sake, driver.

- Come on, come on, get the top up. - Don't panic, Nelson.

- Get it up. Get it up. - Here, let me help you.

Oh, come on. Get it up. That's right.

Now, don't panic, Nelson. Don't panic.

Remember the old signal, "England expects".

Yes, but you know I'm getting married.

I should have been in the church ages ago.

I've never let a bridegroom down yet.

You'll splice the mainbrace all right.

She'll wait for ya. They always do.

Shut up, Henry!

Well, I was only going to say...

Never mind what you were going to say.

Shut up.

Oh, Mum!

Oh, Albert!

I was only saying to Shirley that this is not the way to conduct a wedding.

What wedding?

Oh, precisely, Mrs Hornett. What wedding?

Well, we can't perform the marriage ceremony

without a bridegroom, can we?

Well, I... I do sympathise with you in your distress,

but we mustn't rule out a perfectly simple explanation.

Huh! It's us that's simple, not the explanation.

You're forgetting, Vicar.

Albert Tufnell's a sailor, and you know what sailors are.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Bright and breezy, free and easy... ♪

I remember when I was a curate. Two sailors once...

This is not getting us anywhere. What do we do now?

I'll tell you what you'll do.

Speak when you're spoken to.

It's all your fault, anyway, bringin' a sailor into the house.

- Oh, Mum! - Now, I suggest...

I know what you're going to suggest.

Find Albert Tufnell and clap him in jail.

He's probably done this to half a dozen girls.

Led 'em up the garden path, had his fun, and gone with the wind.

Precisely.

Oh, dear me, no, no, no. I'm sure he'll turn up.

You know the old cry, "the Navy's here".

Well, it isn't the Navy we're lookin' for. Just one sailor.

- You'll find him, Mrs Hornett. - Will I?!

Oho, wait till I do.

Er, as it happens, I have a funeral in a quarter of an hour, fortunately.

Er... Unfortunately.

Er, but I can perform the ceremony for the wedding at, er, two-thirty.

You know how it is. In the midst of life we are in death.

Now take her Ma, Emma Hornett.

There's a different cup of tea.

No wonder you boys needed a drink.

Poor old Henry Hornett! Poor old b...

Albert, I...

I think we'd better run for it.

It's no' very far.

Running for it! Oof!

Why don't you look where you're going?!

- Oh, you're there, Edie. - Oh, look at me!

Aren't I a fool?

Ooh!

Hello, Mrs Mottram.

Well, you've left it a bit late going to the wedding, haven't you?

Oh, I'm not going to the wedding, Mrs Mottram.

No. Like meself, you haven't been asked.

Emma doesn't think we're good enough.

I wouldn't go to her funeral now if she asked me.

Oh, I was asked, but I couldn't face it.

You know, not the church part of it.

I couldn't have stood the sprain of seeing Shirley say,

"I will," and remembering, you know...

Yes, remembering that you were left at the altar yourself years ago. I know.

Oh, don't, Mrs Mottram. Don't.

I... I mustn't think of my great sorrow, must I?

- Not today, eh? - No.

Just as well to give it a rest for one day in twenty years.

Well, I must fly now,

'cause they'll be waiting for me at Bamfield's Tea Rooms for the reception.

Come on, Shirley. Come on.

And don't say a word to nobody. Nobody, do you hear?

- Oh, Emma, what happened? - Oh, be quiet!

Now, Daphne, take her straight into the house. Go on. Straight in.

Oh, Emma, I can't stand it!

Well, you've gotta stand it. We've all gotta stand it.

Come on, who's got the key? Come on, Edie.

And whatever you've seen or haven't seen,

I'll thank you, Maisie Mottram,

not to start putting two and two together and making it four,

'cause you'll be wrong, see!

And wait till the next time I find your cat on my geraniums.

- Good morning, Peggy. - Morning, Mister Hornett.

Well, good old Henry Hornett!

- That poor old bastard. - The usual, Mister Hornett?

Oh, no, I daren't. Have you seen two sailors?

All dolled up for a wedding, one a Scottie?

- That'll be them. - They left for church ages ago.

And the prisoner drank a hearty breakfast

before he walked to the scaffold.

You must have a drink with me.

- Oh, no, I can't. - No, don't...

The same as usual for my old pal, Charlie.

Well, Henry.

That's what I said.

Well, I might as well have one now I'm here.

Here's to the jolly old bachelors.

You know, they say that marriage is a lottery.

But it's rubbish.

In a lottery, you do get a chance.

What chance have you got, Henry Hornett?

Oh, I don't know. I'm not complaining.

Not complaining?

- No. In a way, I... - Oh.

I love my wife.

Oh, your Emma must have changed quite a lot.

I'll say she has.

She's changed me pals, me nights out, and me football.

Ah, poor old Charlesley.

J...

Oh, poor old...

Ssh!

I can't stand it!

Oh, Albert! For two pins, I'd throw myself in the canal.

Now then, now then, that's enough of that sort of talk.

Throw yourself in the canal, indeed.

No man's worth the sacrifice, least of all Albert Tufnell.

Oh!

Besides, that canal's a disgrace.

I wouldn't throw a cat in it.

Still, I can understand how Shirley feels, Emma.

Don't, Shirl, darling. I know. I understand.

It's happened to you just like it happened to me.

Aye, but you didn't throw yourself in the canal, did ya?

No. Oh, don't!

And it was nice and clean in them days.

Don't.

Here, take this away. And get that tea.

I know, love. Go on.

Oh!

- Oh, Emma, I was... - That's right, Florrie.

Just pop in and out of my house as you feel inclined.

Liberty Hall, that's what this has been.

Ah, but we're going to change all that.

There are going to be no more liberties taken here from now on, believe me.

Poor Shirl!

Have you been talking to anyone?

May I drop dead on this spot if I've said a word.

- Aren't I awful? - That's right, smash the place to bits.

I don't mind.

I'm past caring.

Henry!

- Yeah? - Did you find him?

No. What a thing to ask.

And how are the ferrets? All right?

- Yes. - Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

I'm sure it's going to make Shirley's cross so much easier to bear,

knowing that your ferrets are happy.

- What's that? - What?

Someone on my stairs.

And where do you think you're going?

I'm going back to the church.

- Oh! - To be baptised, I suppose.

Well, you'll stay right here, my girl.

Aunt Emma, you're not talking to your daughter now, you know.

If I want to go back to the church, I shall go.

Daphne Pink, you dare to talk to me like that?

Someone's got to sometime.

I'm going back to the church.

Well, what must he be thinking?

He must be absolutely miserable, and through no fault of his own.

That poor lad!

"That poor lad!"

- Why, Albert Tufnell isn't worth... - Who's talking about Albert?

- You are. - No, I'm not.

Who are you talking about, then?

Carnoustie.

- Aye? - Yes, Carnoustie.

After all he's seen going on in this house,

I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't come straight back for his things

- and catch the first train to Scotland. - Huh!

For all I care, he can catch the one before.

Nobody wants to see him again.

Well, I do.

- You do? - Yes, I do.

I love him.

Well, if that isn't disgusting!

Being in love with someone isn't disgusting.

Of course, you wouldn't know that.

You've never been in love with anyone but yourself.

When your mother hears what you've said...

She'll never forgive me...

for having said it before she did.

Henry, did you ever hear such black wickedness?

Me in love with myself!

Oh, I don't know.

What's wrong in loving yourself, if nobody else does?

Hmm! I'm off.

You're not. I forbid you to leave this house.

Your uncle and I forbid you. Yes, you do.

You can forbid till you're blue in the face, but I'm still going.

And if Carnoustie asks me to marry him,

I'm going to say yes.

And if he doesn't ask me to marry him...

I'm going to make him ask me.

Henry!

- Yes, Emma? - Where do you think you're going?

To get my slippers.

Come down here at once, Henry Hornett.

At once, do you hear?

Oh! Pardon.

Have another cup of tea, Shirley, love.

It's nice and fresh.

I won't say no.

I got a nice fresh cup of tea all poured out for you, Henry.

Well, you know what you can do with it.

Oh, Henry. Oh, don't. Oh, don't, Henry.

Don't draw the wrath of Heaven down on this house again.

It's visited us once before this morning.

"Visited us"?

It's lived with us since the day I married it.

Oh, Henry!

You shouldn't ought to talk of Emma as "the wrath of Heaven".

Oh, dear!

Did anyone say anything?

- No, Emma. - Good.

Aren't these lovely?

In that case, get yourself down to Bamfield's Tea Rooms

and tell them that the reception's been cancelled.

- What, now? - But what will they think?

They're paid to cater, not to think.

Now, tell 'em I want everything,

- and I mean everything... - Yes...

...packing and sending round right away.

- Right away. - And you'd better take

- a basket down with you. - Basket...

And bring enough food back for us.

- Yes. - We may all be dyin' of grief,

but there's no need to die of starvation as well.

What about the presents, the beautiful presents?

- Presents? - There's dozens of them.

- Twenty-three. - Twenty-three dozen?

Twenty-three presents. And I want 'em all packin' up.

Yes.

This is all so terrible.

I'll never live it down.

Oh, Albert, where are you?

- Emma... - Basket.

He's here. He's coming down the street.

Albert! My darling!

Well, when he does come in, Shirley Hornett,

you'll give that "darling" of yours a smack across the face.

Do you hear?

Albert, my love!

- What happened? - Well, the car...

It was the engine. It broke down.

Emma...

do you think Albert'd like a cup of tea?

Why don't you ask him, Edie?

Ask him nice and tactful.

Tell him we have a fatted calf in the pantry.

Ask him if he'd like that as well.

- Yes, I will. - I'll fatted calf him!

Oh, Mum, it wasn't Albert's fault at all.

His car broke down.

There!

Didn't I say it was all your fault?

What?

"We must have Wilson's Cars," you said.

"Nice quiet engines," you said.

Well, what's the good of quiet engines if they don't go?

I was beginning to think we'd never see you again.

Aye. Poor Shirley.

It would have broken her wee heart.

Well, I've got a wee heart too, Carnoustie.

Aye. Well, of course, it would have broken your wee heart, too.

Well, I'll say it would.

Well, I mean, I...

I ken how fond y'are o' Shirley.

Well, who's talking about Shirley?

- Well, are ye no'? - No, I'm no'.

Oh, why isn't it leap year?

Leap year?

But what for? Why?

Oh, really, Carnoustie, you can't be as dumb as you look.

Why, don't you know that in leap year, a...

a girl can tell a man that she...

well...

Well, you're no' saying that you've fallen for me?

I am.

Kilt, plaid, and...

bell-bottoms.

This is terrible.

Dreadful.

Shocking!

Oh! Er... Albert, I mean, I...

I didn't... I mean, I...

- I wasnae... Er... - Mm-hmm.

Oh, Albert, I wish you'd give this best man of yours a few lessons.

He holds a girl as if she were a set of bagpipes.

Well, I'm surprised to hear you say that about him, Daphne.

After all, it was Carnoustie here who taught me all my tricks.

Oh, how can you say such a thing?

All right, then.

All right. I've allowed you to feed me a pack of lies.

- Ma... - And, against my better judgement,

and because I don't seem to have any say in my family no more...

- Oh, now look, Ma... - And because I don't want my daughter

to be disgraced in the eyes of my neighbours...

may the Lord have mercy on her soul...

I'll allow the wedding to go on.

- But if it's going on... - Ma...

...let's get it over with.

Daphne, I've never yet seen a bridesmaid

walk down the aisle in a jumper and skirt.

And you're supposed to be on your way to the vicar.

And to church.

Come on, now. Come on.

And we'll stay there till you come, Ma...

Mrs Hornett.

- Now, have you got the ring? - Aye, Mrs Hornett.

Oh, never mind the striptease.

And listen, Carnoustie,

- don't let him out of your sight. - No, Mrs Hornett.

Not under any circumstances whatsoever.

- No, Mrs Hornett. - Not even if he wants to...

Aye.

Well, if he does want to, tell him he'll have to wait.

Aye, Mrs Hornett.

See you in church!

Oh, Dad!

- Happy now? - Mmm.

Shirley, I'll give you a tip.

If, when you're married and you want your mother's advice,

come to your father.

Wouldn't you like to be going on your honeymoon, Dad?

No.

I'd just like to be going.

Well, if we're going to have a wedding, Shirley,

hadn't you better go and wash your face?

You don't want to go to church with eyes as red as a bloodhound's.

And if I dare open my mouth to you, Henry Hornett,

it wouldn't be a bad idea if you had a good brush down.

Edie!

- Yes, Emma? - Clothesbrush.

Where's your hat?

- Might as well start at the top. - Clothesbrush.

Ooh!

Come over here.

Give it to me.

Come on!

If it wouldn't be askin' too much,

when you bring your daughter to the church this time,

try and look as if you were thinking of her,

- and not of your bloomin' ferrets. - Yes, Emma.

And remember, we've got to behave as if nothing had happened.

We've got to smile, smile, and smile again.

And we'll have that back where you found it.

Yes, Emma.

Foot up.

Foot up.

- I've just run the iron over it. - Are you here still?

Nobody'd think you'd a home of your own, would they?

- Well, it got creased. - Other foot.

Oh! Walkin' ashtray.

I suppose you're coming to the wedding again?

- Oh, yes, I'll be coming. - Aye. Trust you not to miss nothing.

I was just telling Henry here,

we've got to behave as if we hadn't a care in the world.

We must smile, smile, and smile again.

I'll smile all right.

Aye, and see it's on the right side of your face.

Now you stand over there and keep quiet.

Where's Shirley's bouquet?

Edie's got it out in the kitchen.

She said something about giving it a drink of tea.

- Oh! - Darjeeling, I hope.

I thought they wanted

- a drop of water, Emma. - Maybe.

But these were going under for the third time.

Don't!

Here, watch it!

Oh, that's your doorbell, Emma. Who would that be?

Well, not being able to see through brick walls, I can't say.

Suppose you go and see.

Oh, yes, that's a good idea.

I bet it's Albert.

Well, I suppose there's something wrong with everybody,

but it would take the Queen's doctors and the whole of Harley Street

to say what was wrong with her.

Poor soul.

You got your spectacles in your hat. Did you know?

Ooh!

I've got it, Emma. I've got it.

It's a telegraph for...

Albert.

And then, he said,

"You're no' telling me ya care for me?"

More congratulations? Let's see, Mum.

- Oh, stingy one. Not even greetings. - It's for Albert.

Mum! Well, what does it say?

- What's wrong, Aunt Emma? - Oh, come on, show me.

What is it, Emma? Tell us.

- Edie... - Yes, Emma?

Make another pot of tea.

- But I... - Tea?

- I said "tea"! - Tea.

- And, Edie... - Yes, Emma?

- Put in two for the pot. - "Two for the pot."

Mum, you can't do this to me.

You've got to tell me what it says.

What does the telegram say?

It can't mean...

Oh, no!

- Oh, yes. - Oh, dear.

You mean, the wedding?

It's off again?

- That's just what I mean. - I don't believe it.

- I don't believe it. - You don't believe it?

You don't believe it?

Then listen to this, Henry Hornett, listen to this,

and may every word burn its way into the heart you never had.

Oh, what does it say, Mum?

- You've gotta tell me what it says. - I'll tell you what it says,

but Heaven help you when you hear it.

You see, I'm trying to break it to you gently.

Very well!

"Able Seaman Tufnell,

"care of 8, Pretoria Villas..."

- Yes, yes, yes, we know our address. - "Victor Road.

"For legal reasons,

"imperative you do not marry. Stop."

- But why?! - "Solicitor contacting you. Stop."

What does "stop" mean?

Stop marryin'!

Oh, Daphne!

But who sent it?

"Frederick Hardcastle, Lieutenant Commander, R.N.,

"Divisional Officer, HMS Hopeful."

But, Emma, what does it mean?

It means...

"For legal reasons, imperative he does not get married. Stop.

"Solicitor contacting him. Stop."

And if you don't know what that means, Henry Hornett,

I give up.

Well, that's what it means, you see.

I made the tea, Emma.

Oh, what? Oh, what is it?

- Oh, no, don't you start. - Oh my blessed gracious, my poor Shirl!

With murder in my heart, I'm asking you.

- Give me that tea pot and go. - And go.

Here, it's hot.

- Where are you going? - To Albert. Where do you think?

Have you taken leave of your senses?

Do you want to make a laughing-stock of yourself again?

I don't care. I don't care what people think.

- Why should she? - No, you don't care.

And you don't care.

The shame and humiliation this will bring on me.

I've got to go on living in this street.

And have everybody laughing in my face...

for months to come.

Not in your face, dear.

And you don't care, either.

If you wanted to read anything, I'd have thought you'd have read that.

Well, you've just read this to us.

I know I have.

You want to see it for yourself, don't you?

- I know I would. - Yes, you would.

Oh, Albert!

Oh, of course, you're the bridegroom who wasn't here this morning

for the wedding, er...

we didn't have.

And you're the best man.

Oh, aye. Aye, Padre. Aye.

I mean you will be, when the marriage takes place.

Aye.

Anyway...

You have the ring, of course?

Oh! Oh, aye, I have the ring.

I have it right here.

Every so often the best man, er...

- Oh, here. The ring, Padre. - Ah, splendid.

You'll need it when the ceremony takes place.

Padre, you don't think... I mean, you don't imagine that...

Carnoustie, stop worrying. Shirl'll be here any moment.

Yes, of course.

Well, I expect you'll come to the reception afterwards, Padre.

Oh, well, a little refreshment after all this won't come amiss.

No.

Oh, dear.

Bang goes my monthly sewing circle.

He's got to learn that he can't go about this world

pickin' people up and trampling them down in the dust,

and get away with it all the time.

The mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceeding small.

I'll see to that.

Oh, stop it, Mum. I don't want to hear any more. I can't bear it.

Why don't you go upstairs and lie down for a bit until he comes?

There must be a reason, though, mustn't there? I mean to say,

they would never have sent the telegram if there wasn't, would they?

Ah, but you can't fight fate.

That's what I say, and that's what I'll go on saying.

I mean, once fate's got her hooks into you,

you might as well pack up.

I like your hat.

Do you mind?!

Do you mind, all of you,

if, just for once, I'm allowed to hear the sound of my own voice?

It's very kind of you all to tell me what I ought to do.

And I'm not gonna do it.

And now I'll tell you, for a change,

what you're going to do.

Henry!

When Albert Tufnell does come,

you will stand up to him and give him what for.

You've always said you're master in your own house.

- And Florrie... - Mmm?

I'll thank you to take down every word that's said.

And when we bring him to court,

you may be called upon as a decree nisi.

- But... - You'll say nothing!

Edie! Edie!

Yes?

Oh, we don't want you here.

Now, down to Bamfield's.

And go this time.

Now, don't forget to tell 'em about the presents.

They'll all have to be sent back, you know.

Oh, you needn't bother to send mine back, Em.

- I'm sure Shirley's very welcome to it. - Isn't she kind?

Well, that's very nice of you, Florrie.

We're touched, aren't we, Shirley?

There's quite enough rubbish in here as it is.

Now, Edie, when...

Edie!

It's the bell.

It's them!

Albert...

- Take it easy! - Yes, take it easy, Albert.

Well, I hope you're very proud of what you've done.

Aye, of what you've done.

You never did want this marriage, did you?

- Aye. - And now you've got your own back,

you've made me look like a fool.

And brought Her Majesty's Navy into ridicule.

Ha! You can tell Her Majesty from me

that if you and him are fair examples of her Navy,

my heart bleeds for her.

Now I can understand you wa...

I can understand you wanting your revenge,

but Shirl...

You!

You, who was gonna be a-a sailor's wife.

- Aye, a sailor's wife! - Oh, Albert, don't...

Albert, lay off Shirley. And you, too, Mr Echo.

Yes, lay off.

Go on, Aunt Emma. Tell them.

Tell them.

- Why, what's up? - Give it to me.

What?

- The thing I gave you to read. - Oh.

Read that, sir.

- Well, what the heck... - Go on, read it out loud.

And explain it, if you dare.

"Are your ferrets suffering from mange?"

Oh, idiot!

- Here, come on! - What?

- The telegram! - Oh...

Read that, young man.

Well?

Well, what's it mean? It doesn't make sense.

Does to me.

Well, then, you're a darned sight smarter than I am.

Here, Carnoustie, what do you make of this?

"Solicitor contacting you."

But, Albert, who's it from?

"Frederick Hardcastle,

"Lieutenant Commander, R.N. Divisional Officer."

Albert, what's it mean?

Well, how the hell do I know? It's a crazy mistake.

Well, maybe, but...

Here, Mr Hardcastle's an awful careful man.

I should have thought he'd thought twice

before sending an expensive telegram like this.

Well... Well, it must be a mistake.

A mistake, is it?

What do you expect us to do now?

Just say, "Albert says the telegram's a mistake. Let's get on with the wedding,

"and Bob's your uncle"? Is that what you expect?

Now look, Ma...

You've taken advantage of my daughter.

You've deceived her.

He has not! He's not had the opportunity.

Keep out of this.

Led her to believe that you were free to marry,

- knowing all the time you weren't. - Now that's a lie!

I didn't know. I still don't know.

Now, what are you suggesting, Ma? That I've been married already?

Ha!

Look, Shirl, I swear I don't know what that telegram meant.

I swear I don't!

You-You do believe me, don't you?

Whether she believes you or not, she can't marry you.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Ma. Shut up!

- You're taking all this down, Florrie? - Oh, yes, Emma.

"Shut up..."

No, don't!

Shirl, you do believe me, don't you?

I-I mean, you don't believe there was a...

another woman?

Another woman?

Albert! Albert!

- What? - Well, you wouldn't say that, unless...

- Unless there was another... - Oh, hell!

Swearing won't help you.

You've sworn away any faith she had in you already.

Now, I'm not talking to you, Ma. I'm not listening to you.

I'm not even seeing you.

How's he do it?

Look, all I'm saying, Shirl,

- is if you believe for one se... - Oh, I don't know what to believe.

After all that's happened today, I hardly even know how to think.

First, you let me go to the church, and you don't turn up.

Then, when everything's straightened out, that telegram.

Oh, I've been so humiliated!

I'll never be able to hold up my head again.

I don't want to think anything. I don't want to believe anything.

I just want to die.

Don't we all?

- Look, Shirl... - Oh, don't touch me. I hate you.

- 'Course you do. - And I hate you, too!

- What?! - I hate everybody.

Just leave me alone! Leave me alone!

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, everybody seems to have it in for me today.

You little devils!

Here, what's biting you, Carnoustie? You got something on your mind?

Milford Haven.

- Milford Haven? - Ssh!

- Aye, they're bonny wee things, ferrets. - Oh, my feet!

What's all the shushing about?

I didna' want that nasty, spying old besom to hear.

To hear what? What are you getting at?

And what has Milford Haven got to do with...

Betty Fisher.

Eh?

Betty Fisher.

When we went into Milford Haven the last week, did you...

- did you see her? - Did I see Betty Fisher?

No, I didn't, no.

Well, I did.

Did you now? Oh, and you never said.

Well, how was she looking?

Oh, yes, she was a bonnie wee thing.

She's no' so wee just now.

- You mean she's in, er... - Aye, that...

That's just what I do mean.

And when I... when I spoke to her the day before yesterday,

she asked after you.

Uh-huh. She, er... She asked after me?

In a very curious tone of voice.

And what with that and that telegram arriving, well...

I was... I was just beginning to wonder.

Carnoustie, what are you suggesting?

Well, I'm only thinking about that night you took her to the dance.

Oh, yes.

Oh, so that's the way your mind's working, is it?

Now, you know very well I missed the last liberty boat.

Aye, aye, I remember that's what you said,

and that you spent the night in the YMCA, and...

We all thought it rather strange.

You thought it was strange?!

- Well, I-I-I didna'. I... - Ah, but you do now.

Albert, I'm only facing the facts. I'm thinking about that telegram,

and I'm thinking that possibly Betty Fisher

may have seen my lieutenant commander.

She may have said... Ssh!

Excuse me.

Just remembered something.

Albert, do you think she heard?

I don't give a damn whether she heard or not.

But I'd ask you to remember that, eight months ago,

I'd just got myself engaged to Shirley.

Oh, yes, that's tasty. Oh, that's very lovely.

Oh, I am surprised at you, Carnoustie,

You have the mind of a...

a sewer rat!

Say that again.

A sewer rat!

- Aye. - Aha.

- Aye. - Ahaha.

- Aye, well... - Mm-hmm.

Well, that just about settles it, then, eh?

I'll be saying goodbye to you, Albert Tufnell,

till the end of our leave.

Goodbye, Albert Tufnell.

- Goodbye, Carnoustie Bligh. - Aye.

Oh! Goodbye, Mr Hornett.

- What's the hurry? - I'm gettin' my things.

- I'm away out of here. - That's what you think.

You're not putting a step outside this house

until I know some of the facts.

Facts? I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Aye, well, you soon will. Come on. In there, if you please.

Oh, now, listen, Mrs Hornett.

I don't like to be bullied around...

- Albert... - Go to hell!

Ah, I'd sooner go somewhere else for a change.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pop. I...

I thought it was, er...

Tell me, Albert...

You and Carnoustie, you haven't had a row, have you?

Well, to tell you the truth, Pop, yes, we have.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

He's such a nice lad.

I'd hate to think that it was anything that had happened here, you know...

Oh, no, no. No, no, no. Forget it, Pop. Forget it. It's all right.

As you say, son.

Good pals are hard to come by.

You're my little pals, aren't ya?

You little devils, you.

This pin-up girl, she's just had a family of sixteen.

Oh, they're wonderful things, ferrets.

There's one thing about 'em, they don't do things by halves.

- Statement, if you please. - Statement?

You don't leave here until I get a statement,

- signed, sealed and delivered. - But what about?

About him and that girl from Milford Haven.

- What?! - Aha!

That's taken the wind out of your sails, hasn't it?

Well, I...

I-I've heard of walls havin' ears, but I've never...

Aye, I ken the noo.

Aye, you're wired for sound all right, Mrs Loudspeaker.

I know my duty to my friends, I hope.

Yes, it was Mrs Loudspeaker that told me.

And why shouldn't she?

She's got girls of her own, haven't you, Florrie?

Yes, I have. Two.

She heard you saying how Albert Tufnell

carried on with that girl from Milford Haven,

betraying and deceiving my daughter.

And I'm grateful to her for telling me.

I only hope I'll be able to do the same for her one day.

Statement, please.

You can whistle for any statement from me.

If you think I'd so far demean myself

to puttin' down on paper a personal, private conversation

- I had with my best pal... - Thanks, pal.

We'll see about this.

Where's Henry?

Er, he's at the back.

- With his pals. - He's got to know about this.

Do you play?

Here you are, come on. Here, here.

And no biting the hand that feeds you, if you don't mind.

Henry!

I think I'll change my name.

- What? - Come on inside.

- But I've got to go over and... - You've got to do as you're told.

You don't know what that lad's been up to.

- Whatever he's been up to... - I know.

Whatever he's been up to, you don't care,

so long as you can stay here with your blessed ferrets.

- Come on! - But the ferrets have gone...

Henry Hornett, you frighten me. You do, straight.

There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night

and I wonder whether I'm in bed with a man or a ferret.

Come on.

And I dinna' want to hear another word out of you.

- I've done my... - You nasty, spyin' old besom.

Yeah, and what's he?

A deceiver of innocent girls.

And it was only right that Shirley should know it.

Shirley?

You mean you told her?

Of course I have. It was my duty.

If it's any satisfaction to you to know it,

the poor girl's upstairs, sobbin' her heart out.

You wicked old bitch!

You...!

Carnoustie, if you want to do me a favour,

tear her insides out and feed 'em to Pop's ferrets.

Shirley!

Shirley!

Shirley!

Don't...

I don't wanna see him.

Daphne, tell him I don't wanna see him.

All right.

Where's Shirl?

She doesn't want to see you, Albert.

Well, that's just too bad. She's got to see me.

Out of my way, Daphne.

Shirl!

I want you to open this door.

Shirl, I asked you to open the door.

Albert, please! Please go away.

Shirl, if you don't open this door by the time I count three,

I'll burst it open.

Leave me alone!

Hmm.

One!

Haven't you done enough damage already?

Two!

There's nothing you can say to me!

Three!

Well...

That was very wise of you.

Don't think your Ma would have fancied the door off its hinges.

I, er...

understand Mrs Clackety-Lack told you

what she happened to overhear just now

between Carnoustie and me?

Hmm?

Well, that's charming.

I don't even have to ask you whether you believe it or not.

Carnoustie believes it. Why shouldn't I?

Well, yes. Well, I mean, he only believed it until I told him the truth.

You told him the truth!

Look...

Shirl, will you please let me explain?

What is there to explain?

You can't deny that you knew that girl at Milford Haven.

I'm not denying it. There was no harm in it.

Or that you took her to the dance.

- Well, there was no harm in that either. - Or that you saw her home.

- All right, I saw her home. - And now the girl...

I swear I didn't even kiss her.

Even though you saw her home.

Sounds like a kids' fairy story to me.

Specially the bit about you spending the night at the YMCA.

Now look, Shirl,

I love you,

but if you're gonna believe any story you hear,

if you're gonna listen to your mum...

Leave my mother out of this.

Huh! I wish I could!

"'Have a look at the girl's mum first, ' he said."

And stop mumbling to yourself.

I was just repeating a bit of advice

a very wise man gave me.

Pity he didn't give it to you

before you met the girl at Milford Haven.

Oh, blast Milford Haven!

That's right, lose your temper, just like all men.

- Get what you want. - Now, look, Shirl...

I love you. I want to marry you.

But if we're going to start our married life

with you believing any bit of gossip you hear from a lot of tabby cats,

then we'd better call it quits right now.

Now, I know what most people think sailors are.

You're not gonna tell me I'm the first girl?

No, I'm not.

And I'm not saying that I'm the first boy you've ever been out with.

But I'm not asking you about the boys who kissed you.

Shirl, I'm in the Navy, not in a monastery.

Well, what do you expect?

I mean, months and months at sea with nothing but a lot of men

talking about a lot of girls.

Charming!

Ah, well, I've never posed as a saint.

But this... It's only natural, when a...

when a man...

Well, I think a...

Oh, Shirl...

Shirl, you're the only girl I've ever wanted to marry.

You're the only girl I've ever asked.

How do I know you're telling me the truth?

Because I'm telling it to you.

It's not your mum or Mrs Clackety-Lack.

Oh, Shirl...

Leave me alone, Albert.

Shirl, once and for all,

do you want to marry me or don't you?

It makes no difference what I want or what you want.

Oh.

- So you won't even listen to me. - No.

Taking a leaf out of your mother's book, are you?

She's not very good at listening, either.

But you're going to listen, and yes, by God, so is she.

Now, Albert...

I'm going to cut those apron strings you're tied to

- once and for all. - Albert...

- Come on, we're going downstairs. - No, I'm staying up here.

- That's what you think. - Albert, put me down!

This won't do you any good.

No? It's making me feel better already.

Oh!

Whatever he says, it'll be a pack of lies.

That's not fair, Aunt Emma.

Don't you tell me what's fair and what isn't.

And I'm disgusted with you, Daphne Pink,

the way you flung yourself at that one.

You see a man in a pair of bell-bottom trousers,

and you don't know whether you're coming or going.

Put me down! Put me down!

Put her down!

Who do you think you are, Tarzan?

- Pipe down, Ma. - What did you say?!

I said, "Pipe down".

And if you want it any plainer than that,

shut that ruddy great trap of yours.

What?!

'Cause if you don't, I'm gonna shut it for you.

Yes!

All right, then. Now you're going to listen to me for a change.

And this means you.

Now all this Milford Haven bunkum is bunkum and nothing else.

And as for this ruddy telegram here,

I don't know what the heck it means,

but I'm gonna ring up right now and find out.

Albert, surprise!

I found it on the doorstep.

Someone to see you.

Shipmate of yours.

Well, if this isn't the very last straw!

As if I haven't got enough to cope with.

Woman, will you no' hold your tongue?

Do you no' ken who it is?

Stop jabbering at me in that heathen Scotch.

If you can't speak civilised English, don't speak at all.

Now, young man...

Well, I hope, ma'am, I haven't arrived at an inopportune moment.

- All right, Bligh. - Sir!

- Relax, Bligh. - Sir!

Both of you, relax.

- Sir! - Stop doin' that!

Sir!

Well, you got the telegram in time to stop the wedding, I hope?

As bad luck would have it...

yes, sir.

Well, if I might put a word in in me own house,

if I'm not presuming,

I'd like to know who I'm entertaining.

Sir! Mrs Hornett...

Lieutenant Commander Hardcastle.

Oh, it's you, is it?

Oh, well, now, perhaps, we'll get the truth at last.

Not that we haven't got it already.

- Henry! Shirley! Come on, in here. - Yes, but, Mrs Hornett...

Well, young man, let's have it.

Yes, well, I wonder if I could, um...

- Oh, this is my husband, Henry. - Oh.

- This is Mr, um... - Lieutenant Commander Hardcastle.

Well, as I was saying, this is my husband.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

And this is my daughter Shirley, poor girl.

Oh, how do you do? Very pleased to meet you.

- And this is... - Next door.

Oh, well, she's neither here nor there.

Well, now we've got all the introductions over...

- Out, you. - Yes, but, Emma...

- Out! - Bamfield's say they're sending back

the presents at once,

'cause they're cluttering up their tea rooms.

Well, go out and look out for them, then.

- Anything, but get out of here. - Yes, all right.

- I've been very glad to know you, sir. - Oh, thank you.

- Yes, all right. Come on. Come on. - Thank you.

Now...

This man can't marry my daughter.

What's he done?

Well, I'd prefer to have a word with the able seaman alone.

Whatever you've got to say,

you'll say before this assembled company.

I'll have no hole-in-the-corner, jiggery-pokery nonsense, thank you.

I know you sailors.

I beg your pardon, ma'am?

Well, Tufnell, is it your wish that, I, er...?

Will you tell us straight out?

Why can't he marry my Shirley?

Very well.

It is with great reluctance that I have to inform you

that the trouble is a question of, um...

paternity.

What?!

It can't be true. I mean, it can't be true.

You dare deny it, and here it comes out of your own pal's mouth?

Pal!

But that's a lie, sir. I swear it is.

I don't care what the girl says.

I took her home from the dance, yes, I admit that,

but as for anything else, I didn't even kiss her.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What I'm talking about when I say "it's a question of paternity",

I mean your own.

Oh, well, that's a...

Sir?

Mmm.

I can't stand any more of this.

Mr Newcastle, for the last time,

will you come down to brass tacks

and tell me why Albert Tufnell can't marry my daughter.

I will. Because Albert Tufnell is not Albert Tufnell.

Would you, er... Would you mind saying that again, sir?

You mean, he isn't him?

In a manner of speaking, yes. You see, er...

According to you, I don't see.

I think I'm seeing Albert Tufnell. You say I'm not.

What I said, I hoped made it clear that Tufnell's name is not really Tufnell.

Well, er...

Well, then, er... What is my name, sir?

Thimble. Albert Thimble.

Albert!

Thimble.

See? Nearly got yourself married to a Thimble.

Oh, Mum!

That would have given you the needle, wouldn't it?

- I wish you'd explain, sir. - I will, if I'm given the chance,

without interruption.

- Quiet, everybody! - Thank you.

Now, Tufnell... I mean, Thimble, you've no objection

to this being discussed in public?

I mean, it is a rather delicate position.

Well, we've got to know, haven't we?

He was going to marry my daughter.

We want to know why he can't.

And we'll hear it from you, if you don't mind,

not served up second-hand by him.

Carry on, please, sir.

- Albert, if... if you'd rather I went... - I'll go, too.

No, no, no, you two. Sit down.

'Course, if you'd rather I went, you've only got to say the word.

In that case, Florrie, I'll say it. Go.

Go!

What?

Henry, where are your manners?

Show Mrs Lack out.

I'm not one to stay where I'm not wanted,

but seeing that I was invited to one wedding that didn't come off.

- Well, I'm waiting to begin. - Well, we're waiting for you, so begin.

I wonder, Emma...

I wonder if you'll ever have a wedding in the family.

Henry! Lock that door.

Oh, I wouldn't put it past that one sneaking back

and listening through the keyhole.

Er, Thimble, I'm afraid this won't make very pleasant hearing for you...

Henry, come and sit down.

...but you can console yourself with the fact...

- And don't interrupt. -...you can console yourself with the fact

that you are in no way to blame,

just the unfortunate victim of circumstances, shall we say. And...

All right, we'll say it. Carry on.

Now, what's the matter? Headache?

No, not yet.

You never knew your mother, did you?

No, sir. I was brought up in an orphanage.

Mmm. That's in your record, of course.

Well, if you know that already, what are you doing...

Mrs Hornett, I am trying to make excuses

for your unbalanced state of mind, shall we say.

"Unbalanced"? Are you suggesting...?

I am suggesting that, at the moment, you are not your normal self.

Ha ha ha.

- Sir! - Relax, Bligh.

Sir.

Henry...

- What? - Quiet.

Christopher Robin's sayin' his prayers.

I'm afraid I have to tell you, Thimble,

that you were born out of wedlock.

Oh! And so you're a...

I'm going to say it. You're a...

Mrs Hornett!

- Mum! - Carnoustie!

I'm not going to have her or anyone else

- calling Albert a... - Bligh!

- Sir! - Relax, Bligh.

- Is that an order, sir? - It is.

Well, er...

Who was my mother, sir?

A Miss Rose Thimble, a spinster.

Well, of course, I didn't know her, so, er...

doesn't matter a lot to me, I-I suppose.

Edie!

Oh, really, Mrs Hornett, please, er...

Yes, Emma?

Oh, is it all right? I mean, between Albert and Shirley?

Are they gonna live happily ever after,

never to part no more?

Are you deaf?

No, Emma, I'm not,

only I thought you didn't want me to listen.

I'm not one to listen behind doors, or anything like that.

The front doorbell is ringing.

Go on! I can't hear it.

Oh, yes, I can!

She got ears like a Elkhound.

Leave off!

Sorry for the hiatus.

- Sorry for the what? - 'I-'ate-us.

So do I.

Thanks ever so for keeping your eye on these.

They're the presents.

We're gonna send them all back.

Oh, poor Shirley.

Oh, we're keeping Shirley.

You were saying there's a legal reason, sir?

Oh, yes.

Your mother took a step which was, unfortunately, quite wrong in law.

She registered your birth under her mother's own maiden name,

as Tufnell, and not Thimble.

Jiggery-pokery hocus-pocus!

She left her home to live in London as Mrs Tufnell,

waiting to get you into an orphanage.

And then, later on, she married and emigrated to Australia.

She died a year ago, a widow.

Well, London solicitors have traced you to your present assignment,

the aircraft carrier.

- Excuse me. - Put it down.

Put it d...

Not on him! In the kitchen.

Aunt Edie, let... Let me carry it.

No, it's quite all right, dear.

You go and talk to your friend.

But, Aunt Edie, the Lieutenant Commander's no' my friend.

Why? Have you quarrelled?

- Oh, Aunt Edie, let me have it... - Bligh!

Sir!

Excuse me.

It's ever so kind of you, young man,

but you shouldn't have bothered.

It's all right, dear. In there?

Yes, if you don't mind.

Wouldn't you like to go and make it up now

with that other nice young sailor?

I should.

I'm sure he didn't mean it, whatever he said.

I mean, you might get called in the night,

then you'd be sorry.

It's no use. She'll have to go.

Well, you both might get called in the night.

The solicitors got in touch with the captain,

and, learning that you were being married today,

said you shouldn't be allowed to do so under a false name.

The captain instructed me to send that telegram,

and suggested that I might come down and explain to you personally.

That was very kind of the captain, sir.

It was, er...

very kind.

Albert...

Yes, Shirl?

Um... I'm...

Now, now!

- But, er, sir... - Yes, Miss Hornett?

Does this mean that Albert won't ever be able to get married, ever?

Oh, good Heavens, no.

But hardly today.

He has to decide whether to marry as a Tufnell or Thimble.

- But... - And it would be very unfair to you

to allow you to marry without knowing the circumstances.

But, sir, if it's okay with Shirl,

there's nothing to stop us getting married right away, is there?

Well, it's a question of changing your name.

I imagine it would take a little time.

Er... Hmm, perhaps your clergyman could give you special permission?

Permission?

Well, who from, sir?

Oh. Well, from the bishop of the diocese, I suppose.

Perhaps the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The Archbishop of Canterbury!

- Excuse me. - Yes, Mrs Hornett?

I've been sitting here very quiet.

Haven't said a word.

Nobody's bothered to say a word to me.

You say that my daughter will have to have permission

- to marry him. - Er, yes.

And that the Archbishop of Canterbury'll give it to her.

Well, I only said that as a joke.

Well, I must have been living under a misapprehension all these years.

I thought I was Shirley's mother, not the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Er, Mrs Hornett...

- Mum! - If I say that Shirley won't marry this,

um... Thimble, she won't.

And I say that with all due respect to the Archbishop of Canterbury,

the Dean of St Paul's,

and the entire Roman Catholic Vatican.

Mrs Hornett...

You may wear a beard.

You may be a little king on your boat,

pacing your four quarters with everyone raising their hats to you.

But here, you're of no more importance than...

See what I mean?

Mrs Hornett...

You've come to say what you had to say,

and you've said it.

And, as far as I can see, there's nothing more for you to say.

So, if you don't mind...

Was there anything else you wanted to say, sir?

There's a lot I'd like to say.

My car's down in the market square. You'd better walk down with me.

Sir!

Everything over and done with?

Thank you, sir, for all the trouble you've been to.

I'm, er... sorry Mother's...

Oh, no, no. That's quite all right.

Well, I must ring the captain. Mission completed.

And then I'll be away.

- Oh, you're not going? - I am.

But you haven't had a sandwich.

Won't you take one?

I've had all I can take today, thank you.

Shall I wrap some up for you?

I think you ought to try and pick a bit.

I'm sure you'll find plenty to do once you get on the boat.

Edie! Go and get those presents unpacked.

Yes, Emma.

It's tongue. I'm dotty about tongue.

Albert, you're not leaving me with this lot here?

- Bligh! - Sir!

I want a few moments alone with Thimble, please.

- Sir! - Are you ready?

- Sir! - Right.

- Mr Hornett... - Sir!

- Mrs Hornett... - Sir!

Goodbye, Miss, er...

Relax, Mrs Hornett.

Oh!

Hat.

I'll see them to the front door.

Oh! Not without me.

Oh, I could brain you.

Well, what have I done?

Oh, making me say "sir", and saluting, and...

What are you looking so pleased about?

Oh, it's wonderful.

Isn't it wonderful, Emma?

Six and eleven, Marks and Spencer.

Oh, I didn't mean this, I meant Albert and Shirley.

Everything's come out right. Love has found a way.

"Love has found a w..."?

After all their vivicissitudes, they've come together again,

into harbour at last.

Peace after the storm.

Never more to part.

Oh, corks, what do I do?

Anything but follow us.

Come along.

Well, Henry, we've got to think.

And I suppose I'll have to think for you, as usual.

What about?

Are you telling me that you've no objection

to that lad marryin' Shirley now?

Oh, Emma, the poor lad can't help being born out of wedlock.

He doesn't even know who his father was.

Well, do you know who your father was?

You know very well, my father was Ezra Nightingale.

Henry...

You never heard anything about my moth...

mother, I... I mean...

Oh, no.

Except that she used to go to an awful lot of whist drives,

leaving your father at home.

Well, he didn't like them.

Well, he was asking for trouble, wasn't he?

Letting her go on her own.

For all he knows, somebody might have trumped her ace.

But... everyone might call him a...

Well, what does it matter if they do?

Why, all my pals have been calling me "poor old bastard" for years.

Henry Hornett!

Oh, they meant it very kindly.

Emma, if you stop this marriage...

Who said I was going to stop it?

If Shirley wants to marry Albert, she can.

After he's taken his rightful name, and not before.

I'll have no sitting down to dinner before the gong goes.

Oh!

Uncle Henry, what's up now?

There'll be no wedding today, anyhow.

- Well, I'll be... - What'll Albert do?

I wouldn't blame him whatever he did, poor young devil.

I'd hardly blame him if he took his honeymoon first

and his wedding after.

I'm going out to my ferrets.

Well, there's one thing I promise you, Carnoustie.

There won't be any trouble like this over ourwedding.

Our wedding?!

Well, I did tell you I'd agree to marry you, didn't I?

You've no' been asked.

Well, ask it me noo!

- Edie! - Oh!

Where do you think you're goin'?

I'm going, Emma.

I'm going right away, before I change my mind.

- Going where? - Well, to the church, of course.

To the wedding.

- What?! - Yes, Emma.

I crushed my great sorrow deep down inside me

and I'm gonna see Shirley and Albert married.

They're coming together again.

I want to be there when they join.

- I'm telling you, there isn't... - I only decided after a struggle,

then I put on my best clothes, and borrowed a...

My best clothes, you mean.

And you can go and take 'em off again.

Well, I can't go to church without me clothes on!

How many times am I going to tell you?

There isn't going to be any wedding!

Oh, Emma, you wicked!

You've come between them.

You're not going to let them marry,

all because poor Albert was born out of bedlock.

"Bedlock"!

I'm warning you, Emma, you're playing fast and loose with fate.

Don't do it, girl. Don't durst do it.

Shirley and Albert was made for one another,

like salmon and cucumber.

That'll be Albert back.

Well, now they'll be back on murder and sudden death.

Oh, yes, but darn it, all my leave's up in two weeks.

Then I've got three months' foreign service to do.

You heard the latest?

We have. Are you gonna stand for it?

Well, what else can we do?!

I'll tell you what you can do.

You can take your honeymoon first and your wedding after.

Well, it's Uncle Henry's idea, not mine.

Do you mean go to Brighton as if we were married?

Oh, I couldn't think of doing such a thing.

Well, I'd like Aunt Emma to think you'd done it.

And if she thought you had,

she'd run you and Albert to the church so fast

that you'd be married before you realised it.

You know, she's right, honey.

Anyway, you won't be alone. We'll be with you.

Is there no limit to your sinfulness, woman?

What I'm suggesting is

that we go with Shirley and Albert, playing gooseberry.

And, although Aunt Emma won't know it,

Shirley and I will be sharing one room,

and you and Albert another.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

And you can take that look of disappointment off your face.

We'll see what we can do about it.

You know, Daphne, you've got something there.

What do you say, Shirl?

Now, it's all up to you.

Dare we?

Yes, Albert. Why not?

Good for you.

Now you're packed up and labelled, aren't you, Albert?

I'll just go and get ready.

- We'll need a taxi. - No, wait a minute. I'll get one.

I'll get it to wait round the corner.

- Can you be ready in five minutes? - Oh, less than that.

It is a bit of an anxious moment, isn't it?

Aye.

Bringing two unmarried people together's an awful risk.

Shirley's in no more danger from Albert than I am from you.

And that's not saying much.

Well...

I'd no' be too sure of that.

Oh? About them...

or us?

Well, I'm talking about men and women in general.

About the fiery elements in their nature.

Carnoustie...

Well?

Have you got a fiery element?

I'm capable of emotion.

I'll have you know that, at times, I'm...

carried away on a mighty tide of passion.

Well, is it high tide now?

Aye.

Aye, it is.

Oh, it's beautiful. It's beautiful.

But you mustn't do it.

Oh, don't stop it for me, dears.

All right, the taxi's at the corner. I've got the bags down. We're off!

"Off"? Albert, where you going?

I'm ready, Albert, and I've done some new labels.

You're never elopin'?!

Shirley, you can't do it.

Albert, love, you can't do it.

It's flyin' in the face of Emma.

As long as we're flying.

Daphne, you're not going too, with Carnoustie?

Aren't I?

- To Brighton. - Brighton?!

But you're not even engaged. He's a sailor.

Aunt Edie, out of the way.

No, Albert, love.

I've got to stop you.

My conscience tells me I've got to stop you.

Aunt Edie...

Stop!

- Stop! - Bless you!

Stop! Stop!

- What are you stopping for? - For this.

Oh, stop! It's tickling, Jock!

Not only that, dear, he'd just got himself engaged to her.

- Well, anybody can have daughters! - Yeah.

I wouldn't be bothered with them, I'll tell you that. No.

Good afternoon.

They've eloped! They've eloped!

Oh, they will be wedded!

Don't you let on I helped 'em to go,

else I shall get drummed out of the Brownies.

Ooh, it's marvellous! It's wonderful!

Ooh, it's the end of the world!

Hello? Hello!

Now, look, is my call ever coming through, please?

Yes, sir. Just getting it for you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, good Lord!

Mmm?

Send a signal to AD5, telling them...

Mmm. See who it is.

Yes?

One moment, sir.

For you, sir. Lieutenant Commander Hardcastle.

Oh, yes, that's that Tufnell-Thimble business.

Yes, Hardcastle?

Oh, er... Er, Hardcastle speaking, sir.

Er, just reporting. Mission completed.

I saw Tufnell, and he said...

Blimey O'Reilly!

Ho ho, I wonder he didn't say something stronger!

I should have done so in his place.

Wedding blitzed, and all that.

- No, no, sir. I said "Blimey O'Reilly". - What's that?

He didn't say "Blind O'Reilly"?

But, dash it all, you just said he...

- Yes, sir... Ye... What? - I'm ever so glad I found you.

- Yes... - You know, after you went away...

I think he's pickled.

What in Heaven's name are you trying to say?

Will you please take your hand off my leg, woman!

Who the devil's with you, Hardcastle?

It... It's his beard.

He's tickling me.

Hardcastle, what's going on your end?

I distinctly heard a woman's voice.

Woman's voice, sir?

Oh, no, no, no. Must be a crossed line.

Now, as I said about Tufnell...

- Mm-hmm. - I... I mean Thimble.

- Well? - He was at the bride's house.

- Yes, yes... - It was very lucky, sir,

because he was late on parade this morning...

- Mmm. -...just missed the wedding ceremony.

Mm-hmm.

I pointed out that it would take some, er...

- What's that? -...considerable time...

- You told him what? -...to change his name.

Well, of all the blithering nitwit idiots, who told you to tell him that?

Where's Thim... Tuf... Tuf...

Bah! Where's the man now?

Where is he, sir?

Well, um...

Here, excuse me.

Where is Tufnell?

That's what I wanted to tell you.

He's eloped.

That's what I wanted to tell you. He's eloped.

Eloped?!

You've probably put the lid on the whole business.

The rawest snotty could have done better than that.

Now, just you find him and tell him what I've told you. Understood?

Find him!

Well, it only goes to show you never can tell.

Hardcastle, of all people,

with some hot cookie in a telephone box.

Thought he was happily married.

With three children, sir.

I wish the train would come.

Are you cold, honey?

No, I just feel that something terrible might happen

before we can get away.

Everything's happened already. What else could?

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Your ticket, please.

We're not travellin'.

Well, you want a platform ticket or something.

Do you mind? Stop pushing!

- Where's my husband? - Well, that's not my department.

That's Lost Property.

Well, he was here by me side a minute ago.

Well, he must have slipped his lead.

Henry!

Henry!

Henry!

- I'm here. - Come on.

Look, Mummy. Sailors!

Yes, they're pretty, aren't they?

She'll see us in here.

- Duck! - Eh?

- Duck! - Oh.

Come on! Come on!

Here, hang on! Wait a minute.

'Course they're here.

No train leaves this station till I've found them.

There you are! That's our Shirley's bag.

Come on.

Aha!

Well, come on! Get up, the lot of ya.

- Now look here, madam. - I'm not talking to you.

Henry, stand by that door,

and if either of these two try to bolt,

knock 'em unconscious.

Mum, please, don't make a scene. Not in here.

I'll make a scene where I like, my girl.

And if this lot don't like it, they know what they can do.

Well, really!

Henry, where are your manners?

Open the door for the lady.

Oh!

Come along, Penelope.

Really! The way some people behave!

That child's too fat.

Oh!

Now, look here, madam...

You'd better button your coat up. It's cold outside.

Oh.

Do you know who I am?

Might be the Archbishop of Canterbury for all I know.

Madam, I am not the Archbishop of Canterbury. I am a solicitor.

Puffin, Puffin, Puffin, and Wilkinson.

I am Mr Algernon Byrd Birtwhistle.

Fast train to Three Bridges, Haywards Heath, and Brighton.

That's not my train.

It's not anybody's train.

I feel sure, sir, that...

And, being a solicitor, I know me rights.

I have purchased a railway ticket...

Well, you're lucky.

I have purchased a railway ticket,

which entitles me to access to this waiting room,

and, under the Railways and Canal Act of 1884,

you have committed a crime,

"mutaytis" mutandis or "mutahtis" mutandis,

according to whichever school you went to,

if indeed you ever went to school at all.

And further, you are inciting one "Henry"

to render certain persons unconscious.

This is a prima facie liability for assault and battery.

Hear, hear, sir!

After all, I... I do know my law.

I am a solicitor.

Oh.

Henry, show the gentleman out, gently.

He's a solicitor, and he knows the law.

And see that we're not interrupted, by solicitors or anybody else.

But, Emma, you're wearing your slippers.

Of course I'm wearing me slippers!

You don't think I've got time to change, do you,

with me daughter running off with a nameless sailor?

Come on, Carnoustie.

You'll go when I say so,

and it won't be to Brighton with Harry Lauder here.

Oh, porter, porter.

- Ticket collector, ma'am. - I've a complaint to make.

Oh, not about British Railways, surely?

Oh! There's a woman in there.

She-She's taken the whole place over.

She-She ordered everyone out.

Were you going to Brighton with this lot, or weren't you?

Yes, I was. And, what's more...

There you are! See?

Look, Ma, if you'll only let me explain, please!

I don't need any explanation.

I may not have been in the Navy, my lad,

but I know the facts of life. Don't I, Henry?

Yes, you certainly taught me a trick or two.

Ah, here's the stationmaster.

Er, Stationmaster!

Stationmaster. I have a complaint to make.

There's a woman in that waiting room,

she's taken the whole place over...

- Stationmaster, I'm speaking to you. - I say...

I say, he isn't a stationmaster.

He's a corporal in the Navy.

You!

Yes, me, Mrs Hornett.

Well, you keep out of this.

- You're the one... - Emma!

They do say that every man

has one big moment at some time in his life.

Well, this is mine.

Shut up!

Thank goodness I found you.

You... There's not more trouble, sir?

I'm afraid I have dropped a clanger.

Oh, dear!

Yes, the captain phoned me and I said to him...

What are you doing, Aunt Edie?

I'm looking for his clanger.

He told me that I was quite wrong in saying

that it took a long time to change your name legally.

All you needed was a sixpenny stamp.

A sixpenny stamp?!

If you will allow me to finish...

I've got six halfpenny stamps.

Yes, yes, my dear, that's very nice indeed.

All you need is a sixpenny stamp, five minutes, and a solicitor.

- A solicitor! - Excuse me, Mr Hornett.

That's him! Puffin, Puffin, and Puffin!

Come on, he's outside. We might just catch him.

Come on, come on.

Here, Henry.

You've caused enough trouble for one day.

Me?!

I can't understand what you've got against Albert.

He can't help being born out of wedlock.

You don't think of your daughter's happiness.

You think nothing about anything but your bloomin' ferrets.

I'm gonna put a stop to that.

I've told you time and time again not to interfere,

and to speak when you're spoken to.

Do you hear me, Henry?

Watch it, sailor!

Watch it, sailor!

Love is abroad no matter where you may be

Watch it, sailor!

Watch it, sailor!

Lock up your heart whenever you're in from sea

Wherever a port or harbour

Can be seen upon the chart

You'll find a dame all ready to claim

A lonely sailor's heart

Watch it, sailor!

Watch it, sailor!

Once you hold her hand you'll land...

In love ♪