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...WWF Smackdown at the Meadowlands.

Who am I talking to?

Johnny.

Hey Johnny, and you got our answer?

Uh, yeah, uh, they told, me, uh, am I on ?

...Yeah, you're on, Johnny.

Go ahead, I'm waiting for your answer.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, right, right, right, right.

They told me, they told me that, uh, uh ,uh, uh, they told me I was caller

number thirty-six.

You are caller number thirty-six, that is correct, now I'm waiting for

your answer.

Do you have an answer for us today?

No, no, no, no.

I got you.

Yea, I understand, understand, yeah uh, I'm, I'm gonna-

say, I'm gonna say yeah, it's definitely the uh...

is correct.

You are going to see WWF wrestling.

at the Meadowlands on Saturday.

Where the hell you goin'?

I thought we were going to get my pills.

I'll be right out

Hey, uh, is Chuck here?

I'm lookin' for Chuck.

Thanks.

I guess I just don't understand what you're asking

Well, um... no, I...

dropped off a tape.

Yeah?

Why?

What're ya stupid?

I told ya the last time you don't need no tape.

All ya gotta do is show up, sign up, and you get ten minutes.

It's open, open mike, that's why they call it that.

Right.

Well I understand, I understand.

Um...

did you get a chance to listen to that tape?

Look, I already told you, okay?

All you gotta do is show up, sign up and you get your ten minutes, alright?

That's it.

I understand, I understand.

That's it.

Right.

Right, but I was thinking maybe if you just give it a

little listen, or, better

yet, I just happen to have the ten minutes here with me...

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You gave me this, okay?

I'll hear it when I get a second, okay, friend?

In the meantime, all you got to do is sign up.

That's it?

That's it.

All right Okay.

Well I'll be here.

I will be here.

Okay.

We'll try to keep the crowds at bay.

...right

I gotta get my pills.

Here we go.

Jimmy, where've you been?

Hey.

I've been calling all day!

Yea I had to take her to the doctors.

Yeah.

I been callin' all day, I kept gettin' a recording.

Well, they cut the phone off.

Sayin it's been disconnected.

What can I say?

They cut the phone off.

Can ;you say pay the freakin' bill on time?

Can you say I did pay the freakin' bill on time?

Hey, can you say then why ain't we got a phone?

Can you say shut the hell up?

I gotta' talk to you.

I gotta' talk to you too.

Get me in.

Can we go somewhere we can talk?

Yeah, lemme get her in the house cause I got big news for you too.

Jimmy, I...

I talked to the guy at the Laughing Stock.

Can you get me in, please?

The guy where?

The laughing Stock.

The comedy club.

I told you about this guy, you don't listen to nothin' I tell you

Jimmy...

I'm in!

They're gonna let me in!

I'm pregnant.

What's that mean?

I know.

It means I'm gonna have a baby come out of

me... Pregnant.

Good work, bowser.

Hey, let's go in the house now.

And miss all the good stuff?

I said let's go in the house.

Listen to you.

You ain't ordering me around.

Let's get in the house, lady.

I gotta go to the toilet.

You'll have plenty of time to use the toilet.

Shut up, for God's sakes!

Don't you shout at me!

Just get in there.

You sure?

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

We could get married.

Oh, Jesus.

What you think I wanna be pregnant?

I mean I didn't plan this, you know, it did, it just

happened, and...

we should get married.

Oh Christ.

I ain't getting you no wedding ring.

Ready?

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy...

I know.

Good night.

NINE MONTHS LATER...

Thank you.

Thank you.

Welcome to amateur night here at the Laughing Stock.

Every Tuesday night no cover, no minimum, no class,

ya bunch a' cheap bastards.

You think it's easy?

You come on up here.

First up we go!

A nice young man.

A very nice young man, for want of a better word.

Jimmy O'Brien.

What're you doin'?

Huh?

We call your name, you go up there.

Go on, you fuckin'...!

Pleasure to be here at The Laughing Stock, I'm Jimmy O'Brien and ice cream runs

through my veins.

Pleasure to be here at The Laughing Stock

I'm Jimmy O'Brien

and ice cream runs through my veins.

My sixth grade teacher told me that and I've never been able to forget it.

Especially since every time I get a paper cut, something pink that tastes

like strawberry comes out instead of blood.

Uh...

Jimmy!

What?

Who the hell're you talkin' to in there?

I'm rehearsing!

Anybody out there got kids?

Um...

I just had a baby.

Uh, well, my wife did.

And, actually um,

as a matter of fact- I got married and had a baby all

on the same day.

The guy said... I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride!

And, all of a sudden...

out of nowhere... pop!

No, no.

I can't.

Help me.

Um, um, okay okay...

Okay.

Thank you.

Call Somebody.

What can I say?

I work fast.

But, seriously, um...

Help!

Help anybody!

She's giving birth!

Where is everybody?

Over here to sign in, sir.

Okay, baby, it's okay.

Okay, Okay It's coming out of her.

Sir, oaky, okay, calm down...

It's coming out of her!

Okay, go to two now.

Where's the doctor!

You're gonna be fine.

Where's the fuckin' doctor!

Sir, you, you can't ...

Hello... Anybody!

Hello!

Sir....he's...

Doctor Burke.

Help!

I need somebody!

Go!

I think her water busted Hi, I'm Dr. Burke, this

is Nurse Alan.

Hi, I'm Annie and that's my husband Jimmy.

Hi Annie.

Hi.

Hi Annie.

Hi.

Hi everybody.

Give her something, she's in pain!

Come on, come on!

Come over here, sir.

Sir, come over here.

She'll be fine. - Dr. - Burke will take very good

care of her.

Can't I go?

The doctor's going to examine her while you do some paper work

Jimmy...

I'm here baby.

I love you.

I'm here.

Now we all live in a small, corroded wood framed

house, me, my baby, my wife,

my...

... invalid grandmother and an army of termites, it's paradise!

Alright.

Hey.

How you feelin'?

okay.

Where is it?

The, the nurse went to get her.

She's gonna bring her in here.

It's a girl, Jim.

So they, they're just gonna bring it in the room?

Yup.

Alright.

Brought you some flowers.

They're beautiful.

Thanks.

Should I uh, put'em...

Oh, yeah, wherever.

I don't have a vase.

Just relax, it's okay.

I'll just...

put'em right here.

Good.

I guess we gotta think of a name for it now.

I guess we do.

Yeah.

What about Heather?

I always liked the name Heather.

Heather?

Heather.

No, Heather, Heather sounds like somebody who grew up in a tenement.

Heather sounds like somebody who grew up in a tenement?

Oh, yeah.

Well, what about Emily?

Emily sucks.

It's my mother's name.

What about Wendy?

Wendy?

You know, like Peter Pan.

Wendy.

What?

Wendy?

She was the one who saved all the lost boys.

Oh, my God!

Here's the baby.

The baby.

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

Anybody out there got cats?

I can't figure it out.

Cats.

Cats, they love fish so they make fish cat food, salmon

flavored cat food, uh,

scallop flavored cat food.

Cats also, also like birds.

Why no bird cat food?

Robin, Sparrow.

Anybody out there plays sports?

I was a runner

in high school.

Track and Field.

I was never a very spirited athlete.

But I could run really fast.

Had a track and field scholarship from Bergen County Community College,

but, um...

I had a hard time, you know I, uh,

I couldn't stay focused.

All those reading lists

and term papers.

I just wanted to drink beer.

So, they took it away from me.

Now I work in a supermarket.

There I was, on stage.

And, and, and it's just you., the microphone and the audience.

And they're listening, you know?

They gotta hear you, they got no choice but to hear you.

That don't happen every day.

It was wild.

But so, what about the old inventor thing, you know?

Who am I kiddin'?

What am I gonna invent?

The 'Toaster Man'.

That was a good idea.

The Toaster Man.

Listen, people want barbecued hot dogs, they're gonna put'em on

the barbecue, not in some cheap toaster oven.

No, no, this is it.

This is what I'm gonna do.

Standing up comedian!

You got it, brother.

Sounds good.

I was good you know and I think I'm good at it.

You know, I'm... Maybe I am Who knows?

I, I can't really tell what people thought, you know but, fuck them if they

didn't like it, you know, I can still be good.

Right?

What the hell do they know?

Hey, it's a lot of work though, right?

What?

It's a lot of work No shit Sherloc I know

it's a lot of work Why do you always gotta

bring me down?

Hey

Go get a mop there's a big spill on aisle three.

Go.

Where you going?

I was gonna go help him What are you two, joined at the hip?

Get up front and clean out that recycling area.

It's a mess.

Molest any little boyslately?

What?

Huh?

What did you say to me?

I was just gonna go out and clean the recycling area like you told me, sir.

Oh, maybe that's what you heard.

I was just unconsciously reminding myself of my task

I know it sounds crazy, but it does help me.

You are this close.

This close.

Go!

I've been workin' there about two years or so.

It's a good job, it's an okay job I work with this guy Ray.

He's a good guy.

I can't figure out if he's

mildly retarded or just a little brain damaged

from all the pot he smokes or both.

He's probably my closest friend.

Aside from my wife.

I've known her the longest of anyone.

Hey baby.

Hey.

Here.

Did you get the onion rings?

Yeah I got'em.

Excellent.

Hi.

Did she eat?

Yeah.

She ate a half a can of peaches, then she pooped the size of a fire engine.

Just like her daddy.

It's true.

Except mine ain't green.

Shut up.

I missed you today.

I missed you too.

You should quit that shitty job Can't.

We got a baby now.

I fell in love with her immediately.

It was her ankle.

She had this

butterfly tattoo.

She was my math tutor.

I learned very little math.

Thank you very much.

Who's there?

Robert Fuckin' Goulet.

Who the hell do you think's takin' a piss in our bathroom?

Who know these days?

Okay.

Did you make it alright?

Yeah.

Put Grandma to bed?

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

It's alright.

Good morning.

We should be going.

Yes baby.

Here we go.

Put that leg in there.

Oh, leg in.

Yeah, sit in the chair.

That's your chair.

Here.

He up yet?

No not yet He's supposed to be at

work in fifteen minutes.

I know, I know, I'll get him up.

Did you get her up?

Honey, you're gonna be late.

No, I'll make it.

I'll make it.

Alright.

I gotta run Bye, baby.

Bye baby.

You shouldn't be late again.

I'm gonna let some light in.

It ruins the picture.

Oh, it's so dark in here.

It's always so dark in here.

I don't want the shades open.

Hey.

Hey little buddy.

Where you goin?

We got forty-five minutes still.

Boss man left early and I

gotta get my new beer home Oh, please, someday your're gonna get caught

stealing all this Someday you're gonna get caught

stealing all this.

Here.

Punch out for me, will ya?

You're gonna get me in trouble.

Will you quit whining?

Nobody's going to get

in trouble.

Cats love mice.

Why no mouse cat food?

Why no cat dog food?

I'll tell you why, it's not p.c.

Anyone out there play sports?

Jimmy What is it?

Listen Jimmy.

Oh shit.

Hey.

Jim...

Hey.

Mommy?

It's ok.

Grandma is just having a bad dream, honey.

Call an ambulance.

Yeah.

okay, come with me.

Come with me.

okay, okay.

Jim.

Is she gonna be okay?

Her condition has stabilized.

I am going to need to get some information from you,

How old is she?

I was raised by this woman.

The kind of a woman, uh...

even when she was young she was old.

Uh...

She was, uh, she was

married, uh, for decades to

a man who made zippers, so...

He died of a massive coronary while cleaning out the garage one day.

Soon after that, ah...

...her heart kind of uh...

it kind of caved in...

So as a result, she has to spend the rest of her life

in a chair, so...

Oh, Look at the pretty signs.

Yeah.

Wendy did those.

Really?

Well, Mommy helped her.

Mom, how much longer before Daddy and Grandma get home?

Awe, soon, baby.

I remember your fifth birthday.

Your grandfather and I had a party for you.

Right here in the front yard.

I don't remember that.

You were always such a sad little guy.

I have news for ya.

I'm still a sad little guy.

We're home!

I wanna open Daddy's first!

All right.

Go.

Thank you Dad.

WOOOW!

Oh!

Look Mommy!

It's beautiful.

What do you say?

Thanks, Daddy.

You're welcome, baby.

I wanna open another one.

Hm mm.

Alright.

Can I see?

I'm gonna go.

Thank you, Dad.

You've got like an hour.

Jimmy, it's her birthday, come on.

I gotta go to work.

Can you just stay and have cake?

I can't.

Where you goin', Dadddy?

Daddy's gotta go to work, angel.

Make sure the old lady takes her pill, okay?

I'll be back later.

Alright.

Man, you're gonna get in trouble.

Well, yeah,

I love trouble.

You can't be working in a supermarket at my age without having some kind of

a dream, you know.

I dream all the time.

I just, I dream of buying a supermarket, you know, just,

just, buying it and owning it and, and be able to do whatever the hell I want in

there, you know, run up and down the aisles, take a leak on the potato chip section,

you know, eat all the cereal, whatever you know?

Dreaming, a Man has got to

have a dream.

Are you doin' your standup comedy again tonight?

Nah, goin' out to dinner.

It's our anniversary.

Fuckin'-A, man.

Happy anniversary!

Thanks.

Where you takin' her?

I guess she made reservations at Big Bonanza.

Oh.

Wow Fancy, huh?

Big Bonanza?

Oh yea.

The place is awesome!

Sometimes I'll be doing something and I just start

driftin', you know, just, just start driftin' off and suddenly I'm somewhere

entirely else, thinking of somethin' that I wanna do or

somethin' that I wanna be, somethin' more.

And I don't know if it's

good or bad or what, because then I start, I start to

think... why am I thinkn'

about it?

Why am I not doin' it?

Big Bonanza's Family Style.

Fuckin' awesome, man.

Hey, I got a great idea.

What?

Why don't you come along and bring Sally?

Oh, no, man, we busted up.

You busted up?

Yeah.

Well, why didn't you say somethin'?

I dunno You know, movin' on.

Sorry man.

Yeah, well... Anyway, it's just for you two guys, you know, it's your

anniversary.

You know?

Fuckin'-A-, man.

Happy anniversary.

Party of two?

Johnson?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

Will you just, just cool it.

They'll seat us soon.

This is bullshit.

You made a reservation.

So?

They're behind.

Buh, bullshit Don't get in a mood.

I'm not getting' in a mood.

Smith, party of three?

Smith?

Did you see this?

I mean, can you see what's goin' on here?

Jimmy, don't.

This is bullshit.

They don't like how we're dressed or something, so they're puttin' the screw

on us.

What is wrong with the way I'm dressed?

Not you, me.

Oh, stop.

Oh, it is bullshit, you know, it's real bullshit.

We were here twenty minutes before that fuckin' Smith party.

I don't think so.

We were, believe me, we were.

You wait until that hostess gets back.

What?

Just don't start anything.

I'm not gonna start somethin'.

I'm just gonna ask her.

Ask her what?

Come on it's our anniversary.

Don't worry.

Jimmy...I...

Buh, bup, bup, bup Jimmy.

Don't worry.

Ah.

Excuse me, Miss?

Good evening and welcome to Big Bonanza family style

buffet and potato bar where the fixins are free and

the fun is on the house.

Fine fine Let me ask you a question.

Hmmm?

Does Big Bonanza ascribe to a caste system?

What?

A caste system.

We have the all you can eat potato bar.

Jimmy, she doesn't know what...

A caste system.

I'm not sure what you mean.

Let me explain it to you.

Do you , as a rule, seat people according to standing, or perceived

standing?

In other words do you rank people according to station

or perceived station?

We're very busy.

If you'll just have a seat.

Fine.

Was that okay, darling?

You're busy?

I see.

Well, let me ask you.

How busy are you?

Do I have your name?

Why?

Why do you want my name?

It's under O'Brien.

O'Brien, O-B-R...

Excuse me...

I-E...

Don't do that!

I'm dealing with it.

Now...

If you'd like, I can sit you at the bar.

Oh, the bar, huh?

Is that what?

What is that, like the, the Big Bonanza's ghetto?

Okay.

Let me ask you a question.

Do I smell?

Do you smell?

Honey, do me a favor, go check the sign out front, I think we might be in the

wrong joint, I thought this was Big Bonanza's Family Style.

For chrissake's, I think I wandered into the Copa.

Would you like to speak to the manager, sir?

Yes, I would.

No, thank you.

Oh my God, I'm gonna get Tony.

Yeah, get Tony.

Tony, would you come up to the front, please?

Yeah, and don't forget the hoses and the mace, Tony.

My God.

What are you doing?

It's our friggin' anniversary.

Hey, tell her, don't tell me.

Debbie?

Tony, this gentleman would like to know about

our caste system.

Sir, What seems to be the problem?

Oh, no problem there, big fella, just a couple of scumbags tryin' to get some

grub.

Be right with you, honey.

My name's James O'Brien.

I'm a performer.

I'm a standup comedian.

People know me and I've been embarrassed, humiliated, and discriminated against

here tonight.

Let me finish, Tony...

The next time I come in

here... seat me.

It's only money.

Fuck it.

Can't buy you happiness.

Right?

There's only one thing money

can't buy... Class.

Happy Anniversary.

Someday, you're gonna get caught ripping off all that beer.

Oh, no.

They'll never take me alive.

Thanks.

I'm quitting that place soon anyhow.

What?

Yep.

And, then what are you gonna do?

Well...

Remember that guy Bobby, from the Laugh Inn?

Yeah?

I told you about him.

Well, he was tellin' me about this public access show that he does like

once a week.

Ad he was sayin' how easy it is to set one of those up...

Yeah, but what does that pay?

Well, it doesn't pay I mean, not like a job.

Oh, well, that's what I'm asking, I mean you, you had the Community College thing

and that didn't work, and then the sausage cooker doggie maker

invention thing.

Toaster Man.

What?

Toaster Man it was called.

Whatever Jimmy, and then, the whole thing selling those coins...

Buffalo heads.

And I'm gonna recoup on that, I told you.

I mean I'm asking you what you plan to do to support your daughter and

your grandmother.

I know Look, I'm not gonna

quit my job.

I just don't get what you're doing with this comedy stuff.

Nothin'.

Nothin'?

I mean is it, is it, is it too... what?

Nothin'...I mean..., it takes time, you know?

It takes a lot of work I'm tryin' different stuff out all the time and...

You know, you ought to come down once in a while and see what it's all about.

Hm.

Well, that's a little difficult to do with a child.

Okay.

I thought we were gonna be nice to each other tonight.

Hey.

Drink your beer.

It's our anniversary, kid.

We came up here on prom night.

I remember.

Me too.

Thanks, Marcy Good night.

Sorry.

Okay, time for bed, come on.

Let's go, come on.

No... No... No...

Okay.

Looks like she got tanked.

She looks that way.

You know with this new medication she's not supposed to be drinking

at all.

Not good.

Not good?

She threw a can of beer at the babysitter.

In front of Wendy.

Wendy was asleep in bed.

She heard it It scared her.

She doesn't like that we

hired a babysitter.

Oh, so we should...

leave her alone to get drunk with our five year old?

Give her a break.

Give her a break?

Yeah!

She sits in a friggin' chair all day,, in a diaper, her heart's tickin' out.

Give her a break.

Let her have a couple of beers...

Give her a break.

My wife tells me I'm not romantic but, you know,

somethin' about havin' a kid just kills the romance a

little bit you know and...

I don't mind the kid in the bed with us sometimes, you know, but she wants the

kid in the bed with us all the time and hey, listen, that'll kill the romance

right there, you know.

And I remember we're like..., the way it

used to be, like...

we would make love all the time, she and I and like sometimes I'd come up from

work and she'd be waiting there and, and I walked through that door, she

grabbed me and she started kissing me and we'd run into the room, she'd

rip my clothes off like I was Elvis and we'd just make love and we didn't think

about it, we didn't talk about it, we just did it.

And then we would just lie there on our backs, out of breath, lookin' at the

ceiling and thinkin' to ourselves 'God, I love you.

God, I love you.'

And...

God, I miss it.

Thanks a lot.

I'm Jimmy O'Brien, young,

fresh, angry.

And I'll be back here on...

I'll be back here on

Tuesday night Thank you.

Hey.

Mr. Slocum was just here.

Yeah?

Yeah, he asked if you punched in yet.

What time was that?

Uh... nine o'clock.

What time is it now?

Nine forty.

You're forty minutes late.

What did you tell him?

I said that, you know, that I hadn't see you.

Thanks a lot.

You suck, you know that?

Jimmy, what was I supposed to say?

Tell him I'm on the shifter, tell him I'm up front.

Man, he says is O'Brien in?

And I say, you know, I hadn't seen you.

Yeah, you suck.

You know that?

Sorry.

'Cause if it were me, I would have said that you were up front bagging

or somethin'.

Yeah, well, he checks.

What d'ya mean he checks?

He checks on you.

What...

You...

He comes out here and checks up on me?

Yes, sometimes, yeah I can't fuckin' believe this guy!

Well, that's what I've been trying to tell you...

What is this now?

Fucking Gestapo tactics?

Look, I tried to tell you It's all the B-E-E-R

you been takin' What're you talking about?

Did you say somethin'?

Look, man, they took inventory this month, alright?

And the beer guy...

Yeah?

...said that there seems to be some cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon in question.

What're you talking about?

I'm tryin' to tell you...

Why you tellin' me that?

...Jimmy, I'm, hey, alright, man.

Fuck, forget about it.

Forget what?

You know, Jimmy?

I, it's just, the thing is I can't get fired, you know?

Did you tell Slocum that I was taking beer?

No.

He, he, he asked and I, oh,

fuck, Jimmy, I mean, he asked about, if did I know anything about the cases of

Pabst Blue Ribbon...

Yea?

...that are unaccounted for and then the, the beer

guy says that, like, there's

some huge amount of cases missin'.

Okay?

And what did you say then, Ray?

And I said, 'Hey, man, I don't drink'.

Oh, no But did you happen to mention that you smoke like nine pounds of reefer

every day?

No, that didn't come up, man.

What did he say then, Ray?

O'Brien?

Yeah?

Come in to my office.

Right, right now?

Yes, now.

Oh 'cause I was...

Now!

Okay

You get out!

Fine.

Fine, Okay.

Everything cool?

Huh?

Yeah, no, everything's cool, everything's cool.

Leave the shirt.

Come on, can't keep it?

It's got my name on it and everything.

Leave it and get out.

Fuck, man.

I...

No, no.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen, you know Uh... it's my fault.

Truly.

I never meant to get you

into trouble.

I shouldn't have taken the beer.

What is the meaning of it all?

What are we all fighting for, huh?

Money

Power?

Fame?

Um, speaking of which that reminds me, I got a new job, for all of you out there

keeping score, for all you trivia buffs.

Let's see, let me give you a brief chronology of my recent employment hijinks,

as it were.

Since the good people at, uh, Top Supermarket no longer found my services a

necessity, uh, it seems I was stealing too many cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon on

company time, uh, it was cool, I, I thought that I

had, uh, outgrown the company, you know, I thought it was time to move on.

Then, of course...

I caught a gig with the Casanova Ceiling Fan people.

That just did not work out.

Uh, I think it had something to do with well, evidently

the chair behind the counter was not a sleepy chair but a work chair.

Uh, I like to think of it as... creative differences.

Anyway, let's see...

Oh, yeah now, um, I'm sellin', I'm in the business

of sellin' fireplaces at the

Fire Glow Fireplace store.

Does it come with the screen?

Actually no, but I can throw in a screen at twenty

percent off, and one of these great lookin' fiberglass logs.

No charge But, the coupon says we get one of those free with

any purchase.

Yeah I'll give you two.

But, it says one lasts a life time.

Sell it!

Uhhh...

We, we need to think about it.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get on the phone with the warhouse, see if I can't make this happen.

No, I would...

He's weird.

Real hyper.

What's he doin' in there?

I have the warehouse on the phone.

I'm gonna get that fireplace for ya.

Guarantee.

Hey.

Yeah.

What's the address?

Okay.

Which pharmacy is that?

Ah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'll pick it up on the way home.

Let me talk to Annie.

Where is she?

When did she leave?

Let's go before he gets back.

Alright.

Uh, well, I gotta go sell a fireplace.

Yeah, I'll see you when I get home.

Bye.

Okay good news, bad news, folks.

The good news is, I do have one of these babies left in stock The bad news is, I got

a fella comin' in from Weehawken, gonna pick up in oops, gonna pick it up

right about now Well, we don't think...

The other good news is, I don't like the fella from Weehawken, but I do like

you, so it's yours right now cash only.

Oh, I don't think we...

Cash or charge.

We gotta think about it.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell you what, ten percent off right now!

Uh, uh, thank you for your time Okay how about this?

Fifteen.

Fifteen percent off, people.

You're not gonna do any better than this.

Let's get the hell outta here.

Bye-Bye Let's work a layaway deal!

Hello.

Hey.

Where were you?

When?

I called earlier, when I was at work You weren't here.

Where were you?

Oh, I was out I understand that.

Where?

Out with Tammy a while.

Must be nice.

While I'm sellin' fireplaces, you're out to lunch with Tammy.

Where's the kid?

Took her to my mom's What for?

For supper.

Did you pick up my pills?

Yep, I got'em.

They're all in here.

Uh, King's was closed so I had to go the other place.

Oh, I also got the Flintstone chewables, I got

the Vitamin C and I got myself some aspirin on account of my head's

about to explode.

Jimmy?

We've got more termites.

Great.

That's just great.

Now they're toyin' with me, I mean, now they're just fuckin' with me.

What am I supposed to do?

Jimmy?

I just paid a guy eighty seven bucks to get rid of the goddamn things.

I'm leaving.

What do they do?

They go across the street and eat at their house for a couple of days.

Listen.

They, they're laughin' at me, it's what they're doin'.

Dancing around, you know, getting' on the phone callin' their little termite

friends in Madrid.

I'm leaving, Jim.

Where you goin'?

I want a divorce.

What?

I talked to a lawyer, my brother-in-law.

Um...

Hold on a second.

And I left my charge cards on the dresser, I just, and I took half of

what's in the checking account, okay?

Just hold on a second.

you can, you can keep the savings account.

Relax, what're you doin'?

I'm putting stuff that my mom gave us in storage.

Just come on over here and sit down I know you despised it

all anyhow.

Hold on!

I'm goin', I'm goin', I worked it all out.

Worked what out?

Worked what all out?

What the hell are you talking about?

It's all settled, I worked it out.

Just hold on a second.

Tammy's cumin' by with her father's truck.

Just, will you just relax?

Come on over and sit down a second.

Either, either tomorrow or the next day.

What are you doin'?

What happened?

If she can't come tomorrow she'll come the next day.

What's goin' on?

What's happed?

Now's the best time, you know, while Wendy's not in school.

Listen, alright.

Alright.

No, Jim.

I'm leavin'.

Will you just hold on a second, please?

I just walked in the door.

Can't a guy come home from work a little cranky?

It's a constant thing, Listen.

Honey, you're just upset, okay?

Listen, tell you what we will do, we'll change our clothes...

No, it's every day.

I'll take you down to the Corner House and get a nice piece of fish.

It's not a marriage.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

It's not a marriage it's a fight.

People fight.

Well, it's a battle, it's a constant thing.

People fight when they're married, sometimes.

It's a normal thing.

Somewhere along the way we got off track.

l tried to get us back on.

What is this?

What, what is this?

What, what, what am I listenin' to?

I tried, I tried, I just, I can't.

I know what it is.

It's that, that Tammy and your freakin' jerk brother-in-law.

God knows what kinda' lame brained ideas they been drillin' into your head.

Okay, I gotta get to my Mom's.

Listen, listen, honey, just listen to me.

Listen, we're both just a little upset.

Let's just relax.

It's time to go, alright?

Listen, we, but can we just please just sit down over here and will just you

listen to me a second?

I gotta get out of this house.

I don't want to be in this house.

I'm sorry, I don't want my daughter in this house.

What is this?

What is goin' on?

It's that Tammy fuckin' Roscoe talkin'.

I can hear it.

I can't stand it here anymore Jim...

I mean I'm...

Please, let's, let's please, just, just, let's just sit down and talk this

out.

Jimmy, I'm dying.

I feel like I'm dying.

I don't get it, I don't, what, what, what, what do you want me to do?

What am I supposed to do?

We never should have

gotten married,

I said that years ago.

Why didn't you listen to me?

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna move back in with my Mom for a while.

What about the kid?

What about her?

How am I gonna see her?

You can see her any time you want.

This can't be what the rest of my life is like.

You know it can't be.

I'm leaving.

Annie.

We gotta let go now.

You let go... and I'll let go

It's how it's got to be.

Bye Jim.

One minute you're falling

in love, over an ankle

bracelet and the next

minute, you're dividing up

the furniture.

And in the middle of them two minutes...

you make a baby...

who's gotta learn it all by

themselves.

Thank you very much.

You suck!

Oh?

Is that it?

I suck?

Yeah.

And you ain't funny either.

I get it.

I just isn't funny.

Yeah.

Well then,

tell me.

What is funny?

No, do really tell me, because I"d really like to please you fellas with a

laugh, so what?

Not you!

I get it.

Now I understand.

You're funny!

Funnier than you!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that not supposed to be funny?

Now tell me, what is it that you do

for a living there pal?

A buyer.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

A buyer!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us tonight a buyer!

This guys an idiot.

A total fuckin' idiot he's not even funny.

Please, tell us, what is it that you buy?

Come on, seriously.

None of your business.

Yeah.

None a' your fuckin' business.

I'm sorry.. Did I cross the line?

I mean, it's just that I'd like to come to where you work and scream 'you suck!'

at the top of my lungs.

You do suck.

That much is clear.

I suck.

But we moved past that now onto this fella and what he

likes to buy.

I know were movin' a little fast, but, please, bear with me.

Now, sir, please tell us.

Shoes.

I'm sorry, I don't think I got that one.

Shoes, asshole!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a verdict- Shoes!

And lemme just say, you have never been told

'you suck' until you

have been told 'you

suck' by a buyer of shoes.

And now I will quote the great author, William Saroyan, from his book The

Human Comedy which had it's first printing in nineteen forty three.

'There will always be pain

in things.'

You suck.

Motherfucker!

Kick his ass!

Jimmy?

What are you doin'?

I was thinkin' about you.

It's the middle of the night.

Yes, I know, I'm sorry, I was thinkin' about you.

Oh!

Okay, come on in.

Did she get the card I sent her?

Oh, yeah.

She loved it She loves that Barney.

Yeah.

She loves that Barney.

I was thinking about

Phil Aldick.

What?

Remember that guy,

Phil Aldick?

You mean Phil Aldrich?

Phil Aldrich.

What're ya thinkin' of him for?

Here, drink your tea.

I was thinking about- that time I saw the two of you comin' out

of Button's Arcade holding hands.

Remember that time?

C'mon we were like seventeen.

You and I had broken up.

And I ran home and I wrote you that poem, remember that?

Jimmy.

And that night...

Your tea is getting cold.

...I rode my bike all the way out to your house, remember, you were in

Montclair then.

Yeah, it was a nice poem.

All the way I was just hoping and praying you

hadn't fallen in love with Phil Aldick.

I remember it was about how Sunday was the most depressing day of the week

unless, unless I was around

or somethin'.

It wasn't a great poem or nothin'.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I just don't know why you're thinkin' about that now.

I miss you.

I miss you too.

Maybe we can see each other some time.

I just don't think that's a great idea...

right now.

You don't, huh?

I just think some more time should pass.

Right, right, right.

I was just, uh, thinkin', you know...

Hey, please.

Please don't do that.

It's a store.

I'm shopping.

Is that a crime?

Yeah, right.

They, they, they got a sign up front, okay?

It says for employees only.

And you're not even supposed to be up here.

Well, there's also a little tiny sign that says 'For Former Disgruntled

Employees As Well" Did you ever see that sign?

No.

Keep your eyes open there, champ.

Keep your eyes open.

Just 'cause you got fired, doesn't mean I have to.

That's a provocative point.

Let me think about that.

Just cut it out, alright?

I saw a movie once.

And at one point, this guy is climbing a mountain.

Not with the fancy mountain

climbing gear or ropes or anything, just, just in

normal clothes, and there's this shot of him, surrounded

by white fucking snow everywhere.

Nothing for miles around, just this guy, climbing,

just trying to get someplace.

Sometimes I feel like I'm that guy, you know, nothing different from anything,

just, just climbing, just trying to get someplace.

And then I kick myself,

because I'm not even that guy in the movie, surrounded by white fuckin' snow

everywhere, because I'm thinking about him.

I'm thinking about

the climb.

Why ain't I makin' the climb?

See?

One number twenty, one number twenty one.

No more keema and stop hollerin' over that thing.

Right pal.

No more keema.

Till when?

For how long?

Forever.

What?

Hmmm.

Keema has been declared illegal in the state of New Jersey.

Have some pouri instead and get outta my hair.

Oh dear!

Just step aside One number twenty seven.

Stop hollerin' over that thing man.

I'm not gonna tell ya that again!

Next.

Do you have any mulligatawny?

What?

Mulligatawny.

Wait a minute.

What?

Mulligatawny?

Just what's on there.

No, I have a menu, I

didn't see it on there.

Is it on the menu?

No.

I think you just answered your own question.

So you don't have any?

Step on.

Jimmy...

Okay.

You want some water?

Jimmy...

Go to sleep.

Jim...?

Yeah?

I'm sorry.

How can it run out?

How can medicaid run out?

Is there somebody you can call?

Sir, you have no insurance.

You might contact your employer.

How, how about this?

How, how about I, I pay you half now in cash, come back and pay the rest tomorrow?

Absolutely not I'm sorry sir.

How much for these?

It's a hundred and thirty-four dollars.

You've never smelled fart till you smelled this one over here.

Fuck off, you pig, yours is the worst His farts are the worst

Yeah, it's like that movie, remember, with those two guys?

Nah, nah, hers are much worse than that.

Quit hitting me.

I'll knock your fuckin' teeth in.

Excuse me?

Way to go, Todd.

Excuse me?

Who's he talkin' to?

I hate to interrupt what sounds like a very

interesting debate, but, uh, we're getting to the human

sacrifice portion of the program and I was wondering if any of the young ladies

would like to participate.

What he say?

Is that supposed to be comedy?

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, see, that, that's the problem.

You, you guys were lookin' for theComedy Club.

See?

This here's the Tragedy Club.

The Comedy Club is down the, uh, ahhh, fuck it.

What's he talkin' about?

Oh, nothin', honey, daddy was just making a little funny.

It must be dollar pitcher night.

Hm.

Don't mind if I do.

Oh, my God!

Let me ask you guys a question.

What's he sayin' now?

The farts.

Do you discuss them a lot?

Gross!

This guy's like that fuckin' guy from that movie.

What's he talkin' about?

I dunno.

Lemme ask you a question.

Yeah, go ahead.

Who da fuck a' you?

Good question, fair question.

This guy's a fuckin' nuts.

Telling you!

Hes like that guy in that show.

Remember, that guy in that fuckin' movie!

If not the farts...

then what?

I mean what is at the forefront of your minds?

What sends you into a rage, you know?

What, what, what makes you so fucking hopelessly sad

and despondent that you just, just wanna call off the game

We'll start with you.

Get that mike outta my fuckin' face.

I got it.

l got It, Ready?

Go!

You!

What's your problem, guy?

What's your problem faggot?

Wow.

Now we are getting someplace.

What's my problem?

Hm.

A question posed by a very small but definitive portion of this great land of ours,

right here at Tuesday night Open Mike at Raule's Comedy Club.

Jimmy's problem.

In a thousand words or less.

I'm tired...

but not the sleepy, kinda

long day tired.

Fuckin nut job.

Hmm m

Goin' under...

kinda Hey, buddy.

What kinda' comedy is this?

Tired of...

addin' up my life...

comin' up empty.

Tired of bein'. Tired of

wakin' up alone...

See I've...

I've lost my grasp,

I'll say.

What the fuck...?

And I'm...

I'm lookin', I'm searchin'

for a sign...

For an answer as...

as to how...

just exactly how...

I feel about that...

Jimmy, it's late.

I know.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

Were you asleep?

Annie's out.

She's out, huh?

Yeah.

She's out That's okay, 'cause I just

came by to see my kid, so...

Ifs half past twelve, Wendy's asleep.

I'm her father, I can wake her.

Jimmy, Jimmy, don't do that What?

Well, you don't wake a kid in the middle of the night It, ifs not right.

And you, and you've been

drinking.

Let me deal with that,

Emily, okay?

Let me worry about that.

I just wanna explain to you your Grandmothers benefits over the past

two years.

But, but we're talkin' about her medication.

I understand that.

Have you considered, and I know we've talked about his

before, James, the idea of moving your grandmother into an assisted living facility?

No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't wanna do that.

It's just that, from a financial standpoint, Social

Services offers a lot of benefits that you would

probably be eligible for.

Now, given your situation...

Hm, huh.

...you might wanna consider alleviating some of the burden.

It's not a burden.

I don't consider this a burden, ma'am.

I, I just wanna be able to pay for her medication I understand that.

No, I don't think that you do understand that.

I can put in a call...

Listen to me.

...and have your Grand...

She's seventy three friggin' years old, she worked in a rug mill for

twenty-four years, now they say that her benefits have run out she doesn't have a

pension, the Social Security doesn't cover, I can't afford health insurance.

I just wanna be able to buy her her pills.

Please, I just need to buy her her pills!

I'm sorry.

It's alright, Rudy, do me a favor and get me some paper towels.

I'm sorry.

It's alright.

Have a seat.

It's okay.

James.

l'm sorry...

James...

I've had a tough year.

That'll be twelve bucks, please.

Hey!

Jesus, you scared me.

Sorry.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, I decided to further my education and audit a few courses.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Like what?

Well, I get Physics.

Eh, I got the Metaphysiology and I got the Sociology of beer.

Okay.

How you doin'?

Good, Yeah, Busy.

Yeah.

I came by the other night.

Yeah, I heard.

Your Mom was a little...

Yeah, why do you fuck with her?

No, I mean, really, it's not funny, you know, it was late.

Yeah, it was late, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

You were out, so I . . .

Where were ya?

Jimmy.

You know, Jim, you, you, you can't just keep...

What?

I just, I don't think...

Let's go away.

The three of us.

Um.

Down the shore, spend the day.

Yea, you know...

I'm talkin' about a day trip.

Like a day trip down the shore, that's all.

I'll come by Saturday, I'll pick you up, we'll have a picnic.

This weekend's bad.

Oh, I see.

It's just a bad time, you know?

What?

Those are nice.

Thanks.

Somebody give these to ya?

I just wanna talk to ya 'bout seein' the kid, that's all.

You can see her any time you want.

Why don't the two of you go to the shore?

What am I doing?

See ya.

Daddy, I see a crab!

Catch it, we'll have it for supper

Help me, my pants are falling down!

Pants are fallin' down.

Are you having supper with me and Mommy tonight?

Not tonight, sweetie.

Nice shoes oh, yeah, you like 'em?

Yeah.

On a eight years old.

Where'd you get them?

My mom.

She gave 'em to me for my birthday.

When was your birthday?

Urn, four days ago.

Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?

I don't know

Well, happy birthday, man.

Shit.

Thanks.

How's that new job coming?

I work in a parking garage.

Hey.

How you feelin?

The cars dead.

Hey Ruth?

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be

Thy name...

Take care, Jimmy.

Thanks, Estelle.

The other day I saw this, uh......really attractive

cash machine.

And you know how it is when you see a really attractive

cash machine.

You know, you, you kinda wanna French kiss it a little.

So, you know, I, I walked up to it and started to

French kissin' it.

All of a sudden, my tongue was gone...

...and I was terrified, you know, because I like my tongue and...

uh...

This ain't funny.

Daddy?

Daddy?

Yeah?

What are you doin' out here?

Oh, nothin'.

Just sittin'.

Come on out.

No, Mommy said I have my church dress on and that it's

dirty out there.

Well, Daddy says it's okay.

Come here.

Daddy?

Yeah?

Don't Grandma need her wheel chair in heaven?

Nah.

Why not?

Well, I don't know, sweetheart, I guess she's

better now.

Why is there clouds?

I guess for the rain, sweetie.

I guess they make the rain.

I buried my mother today.

Actually she was my grandmother.

I took her to the graveyard, put her in the ground...

which is customary when people die...

Daddy?

Yes baby?

What if I don't like it in Delaware?

Oh, don't worry about that, muffin.

Delaware is a great place to live.

Your aunt Brandy's got a big old house and your cousin Melanie's there, and...

I hate her,

she's mean and nasty!

No, she's not, she's just a little bit...

I don't wanna go, Daddy!

I took my daughter, my little daughter to the funeral.

She wanted to go.

She wanted to be there.

She, she kept sayin', uh...

'I wanna say goodbye to Grandma, I wanna say goodbye

to Grandma, Daddy".

And uh, what can I do,

you know, who can argue

with that kid?

She's just like her mother.

You aren't comin with us?

No, muffin.

Why not?

Well... Sometimes people

just have a hard time making

it all work out.

What are you gonna do?

Who gives a flying fuck?

A flying fuck.

Who came up with that one?

Like with parachutes or something?

Don't come till we're about to hit the ground, honey!

That's not funny.

My father, he was a real piece of work, uh...

He'd pretty much beat the shit out of me every chance he could, uh...

Except when, uh, he would, uh, hire some of the other neighbors to do it, which I

sort of took kind of personally, but, uh...

He's dead now, so, whatever.

My parents died when I was real young.

Car crash.

I thought about striking out on my own, but, see, then I was a- a little

underdeveloped for my age, I decided to, uh, move in

with my, uh, soon to be invalid Grandmother.

It was that decision that rendered the rest of my life

pretty much null and void.

When I was a little boy, my, my Grandmother would read

for me this book...

'...Yertle the Turtle'.

Every night.

Same book, same bed.

She'd sit right there on the edge and she'd, she'd read it to me.

She'd get a little annoyed with me.

She'd say, uh...

'What is it about this silly book?'

But it wasn't anything about

that book...

It was the comfort...

and it was her voice...

and knowing...

how each day it was gonna end...

and knowin' how

that story was gonna end...

I Love you,

Jimmy O'Brien.

I recently found an eight year old Hindu boy living in my prostate, uh, which,

which was not so bad, except when he was rippin' off money from my wallet

and spendin' it in the mall

up my ass.

Come on.

No more jokes.

But if you feel like laughing...