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1
00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:08,609
(Elka)
Hot in Cleveland is recorded
2
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,411
in front
of a live studio audience.
3
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:13,081
Hey, Nicky, can you get two
coffees for table nine?
4
00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:14,482
Yeah, sure.
5
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,619
Oh, my God.
6
00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:20,888
The new waiter
just touched my butt.
7
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:23,724
Did he walk by and sort of
causally brush it with his hand?
8
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,925
Yeah!
9
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:27,095
He did that to me by the bar,
twice.
10
00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:29,930
He's groping us and making it
look like an accident.
11
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:34,435
Well, Joy, he probably thought
he was reaching for a mop.
12
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:39,640
Where's Tony?
13
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,809
Oh, my beautiful son is outside
on a business call.
14
00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:44,778
Ladies, I have a major
announcement to make.
15
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:47,115
I have just been named
artistic director
16
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:49,150
of the Cleveland
Studio Theater.
17
00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:50,351
- Oh!
- That's fantastic.
18
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:52,453
But you've never
directed before.
19
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:55,723
Oh, I know,
but how hard can it be?
20
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,591
Directing is just
telling people what to do
21
00:00:57,591 --> 00:01:00,428
and sleeping with actors.
22
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,629
The only downside is,
23
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:03,931
I need investors for
my first production.
24
00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:05,966
In the theater,
we call them "angels."
25
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:09,837
In real life,
they call them "suckers."
26
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:14,475
Ladies, I have a major
announcement to make.
27
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,810
The app that I developed
just sold for millions.
28
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,646
- Oh, wow.
- Millions?
29
00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:22,150
Oh, my clever boy,
my angel...
30
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:24,152
My angel.
31
00:01:24,152 --> 00:01:25,953
Well, you'll be looking
for something
32
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,020
to invest that money in.
33
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,223
Yeah, I was thinking
maybe a charity.
34
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:30,458
Charity?
35
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,326
Well, you can't make
any money on that.
36
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,427
Now, theater,
37
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,163
that's a sound investment.
38
00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:38,432
And as luck would have it,
I am the new artistic director
39
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,334
for the Cleveland
Studio Theater.
40
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,069
Oh, I would love to invest.
41
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:44,972
Oh, that's fantastic.
42
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:47,841
I just have one
tiny condition.
43
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:49,610
I would like a part
in the play.
44
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,412
Oh, have you ever
acted before?
45
00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:53,181
No, but how hard
can it be?
46
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,015
Acting is just pretending
to listen to your director
47
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:57,585
and sleeping with
the other actors, right?
48
00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:59,887
Well, our next play is
Summer of the Locust
49
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:02,990
based on a Willa Cather story
about a young farm boy
50
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:05,359
who is visited by the ghost
of his grandmother.
51
00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:07,195
Oh, there's an old lady part?
52
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:08,196
Yeah.
53
00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:10,898
Did you hear that, Joy?
54
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,003
Well, we should celebrate.
55
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,606
Hey, Nicky, can you get us
a bottle of champagne?
56
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:20,007
Oh, yeah, of course.
Coming right up.
57
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,475
Thanks.
58
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,246
He did it again.
Okay, that's it. He's got to go.
59
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,448
Wait, you can't just accuse
someone of groping
60
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:28,816
without proof.
61
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,218
We need to go through
the security cameras
62
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:32,553
and see if we have footage
of him doing it.
63
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:36,056
Just don't look
at last Tuesday night.
64
00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:38,692
But last Tuesday night
you were here with a date.
65
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,428
You said you'd lock up.
66
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:43,831
Wasn't that the night
we ran out of whipped cream?
67
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:49,002
And sprinkles.
68
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:55,276
* Ba-ba, ba-ba
69
00:02:55,276 --> 00:02:58,246
* Ba-ba, ba-ba
70
00:02:58,246 --> 00:02:59,313
* Hey!
71
00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:01,682
And into this beautiful land
72
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,017
I promise to return.
73
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,454
That was a great audition.
74
00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:08,155
Elka, you nailed it.
75
00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:10,924
I don't think we need to look
any further for the grandmother.
76
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:13,761
Oh, I think you do.
77
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:16,897
Grandma?
78
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:19,132
Mom,
what are you doing here?
79
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,269
Well, I heard about
the open auditions,
80
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:23,304
and I thought I should come down
and try out
81
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:27,675
because otherwise you might be
stuck with some local nobody.
82
00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:32,079
Hello, Elka.
83
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:34,448
Hello, Penny.
84
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,083
Thank you so much
for warming them up.
85
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:39,553
Now it's time for
a professional actress.
86
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:43,957
You did a TV show
with puppets.
87
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:47,295
I'll have you know I can
express more with one hand
88
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:50,764
than most people can
with their entire bodies.
89
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:54,368
I can express how I feel
about you with one finger.
90
00:03:58,539 --> 00:03:59,973
Elka was great.
91
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,376
Maybe she could be
Grandma's understudy.
92
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:06,547
So if something terrible
happened to Penny,
93
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:09,483
I'd step in?
94
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:13,821
Back off, blondie.
I've never missed a performance.
95
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:17,190
I bet your audiences
wished you had.
96
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,499
The security camera
doesn't lie.
97
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,067
Nicky groped me
by that table
98
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,102
and you by the cash register.
99
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,804
No, don't zoom in.
Don't zoom in.
100
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,540
I hate my butt.
101
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:33,574
It's everywhere.
102
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:35,709
He couldn't not grope it.
103
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,077
Oh, shut up.
104
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,946
You have an amazing butt.
105
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,714
It's so in fashion
right now.
106
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,484
It's all about that bass.
107
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:47,855
Unlike my pancake ass.
I'm all treble.
108
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:50,591
Victoria,
109
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:51,892
what do you think
of our butts?
110
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,494
Oh, I'm sorry.
I have to get to rehearsal.
111
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:56,797
I don't have time to make up
an honest answer.
112
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,734
Where the hell is my mother?
113
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,370
Elka, would you read in
for her?
114
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:03,771
(Elka)
I'd be happy to.
115
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:08,175
It'll be nice to hear
how it should be read.
116
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:09,810
Beat it, short stuff.
117
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,011
Amateur hour is over.
118
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,746
I'm terribly sorry I'm late,
119
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:16,584
but the city is tearing up
my street suddenly.
120
00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:18,386
Oh, I'm the mayor.
121
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:20,988
I'll find out
who ordered that.
122
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:23,991
I called.
They said it was you.
123
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:28,696
Well, that saves us
some time.
124
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:31,399
Okay, everybody, we are going
to start with the scene
125
00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:33,300
where Phillip,
alone and desperate,
126
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,302
sees a vision
of his beloved grandmother
127
00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:36,870
who died five years earlier.
128
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:40,608
Now, it's a very pivotal
and poignant moment in the play.
129
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:46,414
Phillip,
my darling, darling Phillip.
130
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:49,950
Grandma,
is that really you?
131
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,052
I can't believe it's you.
132
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,922
I've missed you so much.
133
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,325
Oh, my God.
He's terrible.
134
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:03,964
He's the worst actor
in the Chase family.
135
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,667
And that's saying something.
136
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:13,474
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow.
137
00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:16,043
Stupid exercise.
Everything hurts.
138
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,445
It makes me long for the days
139
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:19,880
when women kept their rear ends
tucked away.
140
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,482
We should go back
to hoop skirts.
141
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:25,185
No one knew what the hell
was going on under there.
142
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,654
Sure, half of them
died in childbirth,
143
00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:28,822
but at least they didn't
have to do squats.
144
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:30,958
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
145
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:35,028
You know, maybe we're
approaching this the wrong way.
146
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:39,299
Maybe we need to think
outside the butt.
147
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:41,201
It's not that our bottoms
look bad;
148
00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:43,637
it's the way the cameras
make them look.
149
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:44,905
You're right.
150
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,207
We just need to adjust
the camera angles
151
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,109
to make our butts
look better.
152
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:51,378
Yes, and softer focus.
153
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,113
A little Vaseline
on the lens
154
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,148
wouldn't kill anyone.
155
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,584
(Joy)
Hello, ladies.
156
00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:58,218
Hey, how's Summer of
the Locust going?
157
00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,319
How's Tony?
158
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:00,320
(Victoria)
Well, um,
159
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,089
he's a-a little raw,
160
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,858
a little green,
a little untrained.
161
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,528
He stinks on ice.
162
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,203
Did you tell him?
163
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:17,270
Oh, I couldn't.
164
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,506
He'd hate me.
165
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,007
So I thought of a better plan.
166
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:21,341
You do it.
167
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:22,743
I can't do it.
168
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,978
It would break his untalented
little heart.
169
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,247
Well, you never had a problem
pointing out my faults
170
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,516
when I was a kid.
171
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:31,919
That's different.
He's likeable.
172
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,420
What, and I'm not?
173
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:35,422
See?
We agree.
174
00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:37,858
You know, parents
are supposed to support
175
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:39,760
and protect their children.
176
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,931
Victoria, I have protected you
hundreds of times.
177
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:46,567
Yeah.
Name one.
178
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,901
All right.
179
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:53,541
I never told you this, but your
father got a woman pregnant,
180
00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:57,010
and you have a secret sister.
181
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,245
What?
182
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,180
W-who is she?
What's her name?
183
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,448
I don't know.
184
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:03,183
Susan someth--
something Italian.
185
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:06,554
I don't know, but we'll talk
about that tomorrow.
186
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:10,423
The important thing is,
what are we gonna do about Tony?
187
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,693
You know, maybe we could
tell him he's terrible
188
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:15,162
by putting a message
in a fortune cookie.
189
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:18,832
You know, actually,
that's not a bad idea.
190
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:22,369
You know, I got one once saying
that dancing was not my forte.
191
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,905
Did you?
192
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,779
That was you?
193
00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:33,446
Well, it worked.
194
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,448
So what's it gonna be?
195
00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:36,850
(Tony)
* Oh, Danny boy
196
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:40,353
* The pipes,
the pipes are calling *
197
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:41,689
Or...
198
00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:44,024
we could turn this play
into a musical.
199
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:47,695
(Tony)
* From glen to glen,
and down the mountainside *
200
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:50,297
Tony, I didn't know
you could sing.
201
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:55,002
Mom, I was in the glee club
for six long years.
202
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:01,709
It makes perfect sense.
203
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:04,645
All musical talent
skips a generation.
204
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:08,215
Hey, I got that
fortune cookie too.
205
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,050
Sing with me.
206
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:13,453
(both)
* The summer's gone *
207
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:17,357
* And all the roses falling
208
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:18,792
Let me know
when I can join in.
209
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:19,993
We will.
210
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:22,495
(both)
* It's you, it's you *
211
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:25,465
I am so glad
we changed the cameras.
212
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:26,767
Look how good we look.
213
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:29,870
The lighting, the softer angles,
the Vaseline--
214
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:32,105
now they're security cameras.
215
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:35,408
Before, they were
insecurity cameras.
216
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,144
You know,
someone once told me
217
00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:39,446
that red wine is good
for sore muscles.
218
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,948
That was me.
219
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:42,149
Is it true?
220
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:44,451
Does it matter?
221
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,153
Well, we're off.
222
00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:48,388
Oh, we can't wait to see you
guys in your new play tonight.
223
00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:49,890
"Summer of the Locust
224
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:52,660
presented by Olay Regenerist
Micro-Sculpting Cream"?
225
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,161
Your play has a sponsor?
226
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:55,996
Yes, the cast has
unusually good skin
227
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,899
for poor farmers
living in the dust bowl.
228
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:00,634
- Break a leg.
- Have fun.
229
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:01,635
See you tonight.
230
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:05,939
Hello?
231
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,741
What?
Oh, my God.
232
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:10,543
Y-yes, we'll be there
as soon as we can.
233
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,279
Somebody robbed the bar.
234
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,882
So there's no way
to identify the thief?
235
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,583
I mean, we're out
thousands of dollars.
236
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,551
Sorry, ladies,
the footage is useless.
237
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:22,455
He put Vaseline on the lens
to disguise his identity.
238
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,924
Pretty clever.
239
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:24,758
We thought so.
240
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:28,195
I mean, damn him!
241
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,230
Thank you, Officer.
242
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,899
What were we thinking?
243
00:10:31,899 --> 00:10:33,834
First rule of
running a business:
244
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,635
security cameras
are for security,
245
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,671
not for making
your ass look great.
246
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:41,241
One day, science will invent
a camera that does both.
247
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,410
But for now, we should do
what we should have done
248
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,545
in the first place--
fire Nicky.
249
00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:46,579
All right.
250
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:47,948
(Melanie)
Uh, Nicky?
251
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,282
Can we talk to you,
please?
252
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:51,985
Hey, I'm so sorry
about the robbery.
253
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,987
Do you have any idea
who did it?
254
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:54,988
No.
255
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,589
But it's not about that.
256
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,760
We have to let you go because of
all the inappropriate touching.
257
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,229
I-I touched you?
258
00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:04,231
Oh, my God.
Joy, he doesn't even remember.
259
00:11:04,231 --> 00:11:07,267
You touched our butts,
and we have proof.
260
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:10,938
Okay, I am so sorry,
but I can explain.
261
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:12,906
I didn't know
I was touching you.
262
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:15,375
I was in a really bad
car accident with my sister
263
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:16,609
when I was a teenager.
264
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:18,345
I severed all the nerves
in my hand.
265
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,913
Really?
266
00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:22,582
So when you put your hand
on me like this,
267
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:24,752
you can't feel anything at all?
268
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:27,187
It's the other hand.
269
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:32,092
Oh, so you were just
accidently brushing us.
270
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:35,295
Oh, my God, you have no idea
what fools we've been.
271
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,965
We got so obsessed about
the way our butts looked
272
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:40,067
in the security footage
that we adjusted
273
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,302
the camera angles
and put Vaseline on the lens.
274
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,671
Which is why we can't identify
the thief who robbed us.
275
00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:45,873
We're so stupid.
276
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:48,175
- Ah!
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
277
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:49,777
I'm so--
Hey!
278
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:52,145
Your hand's not dead.
279
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,480
You liar.
280
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,582
You can feel.
You were groping us.
281
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:57,384
Okay, I admit it.
I'm sorry.
282
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,352
I just couldn't help myself.
283
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:01,889
I mean, look at the two of you.
You're gorgeous.
284
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,791
And from behind,
285
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:06,226
irresistible.
286
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:12,399
I wouldn't say irresistible.
287
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,401
Not too flat?
288
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,603
Or too not flat?
289
00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:17,905
Are you kidding me?
290
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,807
They're both perfect.
291
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:22,442
(both)
Perfect.
292
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,544
Anyway, now that it's all
out in the open,
293
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:27,280
obviously,
I can't work here anymore.
294
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,648
So...
295
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:30,183
Well, I guess
it's for the best.
296
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,384
Yeah, we wouldn't want
you to be tempted.
297
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:33,086
(Nicky)
Thank you for that.
298
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,488
And I'm so sorry
for the robbery.
299
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,124
Ouch. $7,000?
300
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,859
(Melanie)
Yeah, thank you.
301
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,862
Aw, poor guy.
302
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:44,464
That must have been
so rough on him,
303
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:48,969
looking at us every day
and wanting us so much.
304
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:53,306
And he felt really bad
about us losing the $7,000.
305
00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:56,476
Wait a minute.
306
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:59,279
We didn't tell anybody
that it was $7,000.
307
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,348
Oh, my God.
He's the thief.
308
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:03,350
He's the thief
and the groper.
309
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:06,386
And we can't prove it because we
greased out the bloody cameras.
310
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,959
Well,
one good thing happened.
311
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,627
He made us feel better
about our butts.
312
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,129
That's true.
313
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:19,266
And you can't put a price
on that.
314
00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:23,136
Though it appears to be
about $7,000.
315
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:33,881
Poor Elka.
316
00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:36,749
Ten minutes to showtime,
and I'm ready to shine.
317
00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:38,919
Oh, ten minutes?
318
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:42,622
Well, then you deserve
a preshow chocolate.
319
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,226
Nice try, honey,
but you forget,
320
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,930
I know every acting sabotage
trick in the book.
321
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:54,201
Oh, look at these tiny,
little pin holes.
322
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:57,037
Oh, what'd you inject them with,
sweetheart,
323
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,571
some kind of sleeping drug?
324
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:02,209
Either you fall asleep
or the audience does.
325
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:07,314
Face it, Elka,
you've lost.
326
00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:10,918
I'm the star, and you're just
a poor, little understudy
327
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:12,652
watching from the wings.
328
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:15,088
Ah, you win.
329
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,925
I guess I'll go
to my dressing room
330
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,792
and have a cocktail.
331
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,128
You have a dressing room?
332
00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:23,363
With a full bar.
333
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,398
Oh, that's ridiculous.
334
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:26,934
They wouldn't give
an understudy
335
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,701
a better dressing room
than I have.
336
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:29,937
Oh,
337
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:32,705
then I must have imagined
the hot tub.
338
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,577
(Penny)
I don't believe this.
339
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,846
Go in and have a look
for yourself.
340
00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:41,381
Oh, I certainly will.
341
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:45,953
(Penny)
Where's the light?
342
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:46,954
Where's the--
343
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,056
This isn't a dressing room!
344
00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:52,759
Elka, open the door!
345
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,963
Sorry, Penny.
346
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:59,732
The show must go on.
347
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:06,639
Have you seen my mother?
348
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,108
I can't find her anywhere.
349
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:09,342
No.
350
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:14,114
Oh, gosh,
I hope she's okay.
351
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:17,350
Curtain is in five minutes.
352
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,419
You're gonna
have to go on.
353
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:24,257
I suppose someone
has to be the star.
354
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:49,182
* A thousand stars
will soon appear *
355
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:53,720
* And yet,
not one to guide me *
356
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:58,691
* If only dear Grandma
was here *
357
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:05,932
* To calm the fear
inside me *
358
00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:08,568
* I'm here, Phillip *
359
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,603
* I see you, Grandma
360
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,072
(Penny)
Hold it!
361
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:26,453
I'm here, Phillip.
362
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,955
I see two grandmas.
363
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:30,090
That's right.
364
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,625
* Now, what's ailing *
365
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,761
* You-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh
366
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:38,531
* Hoo-ooh-ooh, wha?
367
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:42,735
Oh, brother.
368
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:46,473
* Two grandmas here
before my eyes *
369
00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:49,942
* I don't know what to say *
370
00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:53,846
* I'm not going anywhere *
371
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:58,751
* And I am here to stay
372
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:04,357
* So much advice
to guide me now *
373
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:07,860
* I've got a lot to mull *
374
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:11,598
* I am such a lucky guy
375
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:17,104
* This is wonderful
376
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,772
This is terrible.
What do I do?
377
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,374
Just keep singing
378
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,976
and shut their windows.
379
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:28,415
* I realize that ghosts
aren't real *
380
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:29,516
Hey!
381
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:30,917
* These visions now have flown
382
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:31,884
Hey!
383
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:36,523
* Whatever troubles lie ahead
384
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:40,460
* You will not face alone
385
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:43,596
Hey!
386
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:46,666
* I think I'm okay by myself *
387
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,936
* I'll never leave you,
dear *
388
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:55,408
* You'll be with me
inside my heart *
389
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:59,512
* Not talking in my ear
390
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:10,223
* I've got a feeling
things will get better *
391
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:13,193
* Something good
is coming for me *
392
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:16,229
* Finally,
this nightmare is over *
393
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:20,800
* A life of my own
and grandmother-free *
394
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:30,042
- I'm back!
- I'm back.
395
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:32,812
* He'll never get
rid of me *
396
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:36,183
(both)
* I'm *
397
00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:38,385
* We're *
398
00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:40,587
* Still
399
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:45,792
* Here
400
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:59,239
Good news.
We got a big offer.
401
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:00,573
Ooh, for the musical?
402
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:02,209
Oh, God, no.
For the building.
403
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,711
The real estate developer
wants to turn the theater
404
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:06,279
into a PetSmart.
405
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:07,980
(Elka)
Oh, great.
406
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,618
Pets do more for people
than plays.
407
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:14,254
Right, George Clooney?
408
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,922
Well, even though
the play was a fiasco,
409
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,257
I've decided to keep singing.
410
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,625
Oh.
411
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,393
I've actually decided
to audition for The Voice.
412
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:21,961
Oh, good for you.
413
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,996
Although, Mom, I'm gonna need
a sympathetic backstory
414
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,532
to win over the audience.
415
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:28,000
So I was thinking of telling
them that you kept me in a cage
416
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,870
until I was three years old.
417
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:32,138
I like it.
418
00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:33,340
Yeah.
419
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,708
But make it ten
and hunch a little.
420
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:38,478
We never got you
a bigger cage.
421
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:39,779
What about you two?
422
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:40,813
Are you gonna continue
acting?
423
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:42,114
Oh, absolutely.
424
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:44,484
In fact, the two of us
are auditioning for a play
425
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:45,785
at the community center.
426
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:49,055
I'm trying out
for the lead.
427
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,590
As am I.
428
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:55,094
And I'll probably get it
because I'm dating the director.
429
00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:59,266
I am also dating
the director.
430
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:03,703
I am sleeping with
the director.
431
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:07,707
What did you think
"dating" meant?
432
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,543
I was being classy.
433
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,779
Well, I don't care.
It's good to have a rival.
434
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:13,880
Keeps you on your toes.
435
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,382
Oh, it does,
doesn't it?
436
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,584
You know, that's like me
and Susan Lucci.
437
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,886
That's it.
438
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:21,754
Susan Lucci.
439
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,923
That's your half-sister's
name.
440
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:30,763
Lucci?
441
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:41,341
* Ba-ba, ba-ba
442
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,576
* Ba-ba, ba-ba
443
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:50,783
* Ba-ba, ba-ba
444
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:53,252
* Ba-ba, ba-ba
445
00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:03,363
* Hey!
30977
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