Original subtitles

Haven Comfort.

For companionship, independence, and peace of mind.

I'm sorry, darling. Take your dirty foot off the bed.

You're fortunate it's just a sprained wrist.

Cause I fall at your age. You didn't fall.

I fainted.

I've had low blood pressure faints the whole of my life. Well, you're lucky

like plucky and never smash your head on the corner of the coffee table.

Or land teeth first on the iron doorstep.

I'll fall down the marble staircase.

What, the marble staircase in my two-bed terrace?

The home environment can be little at your age, you know. Hey, don't joke with

it. Now, in terms of recovery, you're going to need help.

You live with anybody?

Yeah, I live with my son Michael, and he should be here any minute. Is he?

Well, it's taken a long time. Look, look.

Does Michael really exist?

Mom. Oh, Michael, where the hell have you been?

Um...

How did you fall?

I fainted. And apparently I'm very lucky I didn't fall in a fire or a hornet's

nest. You can pick up our pain relief prescription at the reception.

Look, I'm here for you.

If she's going home, I'm going home. Mr Thomas, we cannot send you home upon

your own.

And if you won't go into assisted living... I don't belong in a care home.

I mean, look at me. I can lift a bed.

Oh, I've got to take this. You go through to the kitchen.

It's just about the broadband, the gigabyte, the transponder.

Lovely. Hello, babe.

Yes, I'm home.

No, no, I haven't told her yet.

She's just had a fall.

I'm not delaying it.

It's just a difficult conversation to have.

That's hurtful.

I'm not a nappy-wearing, breastfed emperor baby.

Mum. I don't like to pester.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

I just haven't had time to plant it. I've got it. I know, I know.

August 16th. Yeah.

Doesn't seem like two years, does it?

It's still everywhere.

It's called a David Rose.

That's why I chose it. I will get round to it, I promise.

I want you to know that I know how lucky I am that you're here. Going through

this alone would just be awful.

OK, um... So, I was late picking you up because... I was

with, um... Renee. I was with Renee.

She's changed.

She's getting therapy.

She's getting therapy because she cheated on you with her karate

instructor. Yes.

She's making real inroads with that.

And it's BJJ, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

Well, as long as you don't do anything stupid, like move back in with her.

Oh, you back!

I still love her, Mum.

How can you be sure she isn't still cheating on you with her karate

instructor? She told me.

And it's Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. It's a lot more lethal than karate.

I'm 42.

I'm not meant to be with my mum on a Saturday night watching Michael

McIntyre. You were cackling at Michael McIntyre's jokes about buffets.

Cackling. I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were having such a bad time.

Mum, I can't just leave my wife and look after you the way you looked after

Dad. That is very different. Your dad was very, very sick.

What are you looking after?

I'm sorry.

I have to start building my own life and stop being a nappy

-wearing, breath-fed emperor baby.

Are you going to eat that?

No.

Would you please make me another one, Mum?

Oh, shit.

Hello,

Phyllis. Oh, dear.

I heard about your fall.

Oh, it wasn't a fall. I fainted. I've had low blood pressure all my life. Oh,

look at you. You can't even carry your tray. Let me help you. No, I don't need

help. You're injured.

There we go.

Oh, it is lucky Michael lives with you and can help. Otherwise, you would be

all alone.

Yes, he's a real godsend. Because you don't have any grandkids, do you?

At least you get to spoil your one and only child.

Trudy, I ordered your toastie on wholemeal bread.

for your bowel health.

Imagine needing one of those ghastly things.

I've heard stories that would curl your toes, turning on their owners, spying on

them, and some people are doing things with their robots that they really

should not be doing.

Yes.

We are so lucky.

I mean, I have my daughter, all my grandchildren, and Jeffrey, and you

have... Michael. Oh, my God.

What? That woman over there has just grabbed her robot's penis.

Really?

Do you want some lunch before you go?

No, no, I've eaten, thanks.

You know, Michael, if you were in a good relationship, I'd be very happy for you.

What's that on your neck?

It's a rash.

Oh, no, no, it's nothing.

Apparently it's a totally normal side effect.

Of what?

Oh, I did some clinical trials.

It's only five days.

Really good money, though. Sounds dangerous.

Mum, if it was dangerous, do you really think the drug companies would do it?

Now, the whole reason I did it was because I wanted to buy you a present.

Now, I want you to be safe, and if you fall again, I'm not going to be here.

So... No, you've got me a robot.

Hey, you're Michael Bourbon. Take it away, please. I don't want it. She does

want it. Bring it in.

Well, I've already paid the deposit.

These models are... Let me help.

Thank you. That's enormously helpful.

Welcome to your Android Z58 forward slash 100 basic care model.

She's very easy to operate.

Does have a few dings and scuffs. After all, she is pre-loved. Pre-loved?

Secondhand. Yep.

A little more than second, but, hey, that's why she's such a bargain.

This was a very popular model back in the day in spite of some...

Some pretty catastrophic teething errors. Problems that have all been

resolved.

Yeah.

OK, so you've got a 24-month contract.

Your 48-hour trial period begins when you switch her on. You absolutely cannot

have sex with this model.

Sure. Finally, I'm just going to need a signature at the bottom.

OK, lovely. And can I please also just get a photo?

Yeah, yeah. Mum, mum.

Oh, no, it's not a fat... OK.

Oh.

Lovely. Great.

Well, enjoy.

If you have any problems, issues, there's a number on the back.

The call centre is open 1 till 2pm on Saturday.

That's the third Saturday of every month.

Have a lovely time. Enjoy.

So, if you need someone to talk to...

Or she can help with shopping, cleaning.

Why couldn't I just have a carer? A human.

They cost a fortune.

And what if you fall on their day off? They do it 24-7. Phyllis said they spy

on you.

What happens if they drain my account?

Who? I don't know.

Mum, this means that you can stay in your home.

I don't want it.

Look, how are you going to manage? You don't even drive anymore.

Sorry. Hi, babe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just leaving now.

Yeah, it's arrived.

She loves it. She's so happy.

What's it look like?

Just a woman with enormous dead eyes.

No, it's not better looking than you.

You're the most beautiful woman in the world.

Hello? Babe?

Let's give it a go, Mum.

48 hours.

Bye, Mum!

Stupid.

I

can't

do this.

Hey.

Oh, hi, Arlene.

How'd you fell?

Haven't seen Philip this excited since Deidre Taylor got her kidney cyst.

I fainted. You've always had low blood pressure.

Thank you.

Sally died.

Sally Harris?

No. Sally Whittle. Oh. Sally Harris is dying. Sally Whittle is dead.

Oh.

Do you fancy a cuppa?

No. I'm really busy.

Of course I've got time.

I'll make you one and all my friends are dead.

I'm never going to plant this rose.

Absolutely not.

Good job you've got Michael.

Oh, he's moved out.

Back to the camp, Boosler?

Yeah.

Oh, balls to this.

Probably for the best.

It's a bit old to be at home with Mummy.

A bit Norman Bates.

I guess so.

I just feel alone.

Well, being alone all my life is not that bad.

Unless you die in a heatwave, like my Uncle Nelson.

He was so bloated by the time they found him. He'd trebled in size.

And he was no swimsuit model to Starwick.

Yeah, what's this?

Oh, Michael got it for me.

Because he felt guilty about leaving.

Oh!

That's pretty odd.

No, no, no, don't. Arlene, I'm sending it back.

Did you send it back?

Come on, aren't you curious?

No, I'm not, actually.

Oh, Arlene.

Thomas has got a button at the back of the head.

Hello. Bonjour.

Buongiorno.

Konnichiwa. Guten Tag.

Hello. You have chosen English.

Now tell me your name by saying it into my face holes.

I can't do the signing.

So, so, so.

Nice to meet you.

Zoo, zoo, zoo!

My name is Android.

I'm a Z58 forward slash 100 robot carer.

But you can name me something more memorable.

Please say the name you'd prefer.

Linda? Hi!

Zoo, zoo, zoo!

My name is now Linda.

My sister's name.

Oh, that's lovely.

I hate my sister.

What's it doing?

What is it doing? What is it doing?

I don't know.

Oh, my God.

What is it doing? It's putting lasers in my eyes.

Imprinting. Imprinting.

Imprinting. Imprinting.

Imprinting. Imprinting. Imprinting.

Retina scan complete.

I have uploaded your full medical profile.

I thought it had turned on you. I was trying to set fire to your brain.

Right. Let's get back to the shop.

Don't. Don't.

Don't. Leave me alone with it. I can't stay here and play with your robot.

Got to get back to work.

Text me if it starts attacking you.

I just don't want to be on my own with it.

It's creepy.

I mean, look at it.

What is that?

Oh, I found it in donations. What do you think?

I see, you're right. Can't talk to you with that on your head. Tom, you look

like an idiot.

Hmm. Sue's just got a robot. She's terrified of it.

Oh, wow!

I had no idea that androids were still being used.

I thought we'd been forced to decommission them.

Roxy, would you like to speak to a vintage robot, eh?

I sure would.

Yeah, go on.

Hi, I am Roxy.

I help Tom.

Hello, I am Linda.

I help Sue, Sue, Sue.

It is nice to meet you, Linda.

It is nice to meet you, Roxy.

I like your top.

Thank you, Linda.

It belongs to Tom's wife.

She is dead.

It comforts him to see me wearing her clothes.

Perhaps I will see you again for incidental social interactions.

I would enjoy that, but I am being sent back.

Sue, Sue, Sue thinks I am going to kill her.

Are you going to kill her, Linda?

Yes, I'm also going to kill Tom.

I am joking.

I am also joking.

She won't hurt you.

I'm sure they've sorted all that out. I find Roxy enormously helpful.

I can't imagine life without her, eh? You're not going to have to go home at

some point, Sue. I'm closing in ten minutes.

Tell Linda to stay in her own room if you feel uncomfortable.

Fine.

Come on, Linda.

We're going.

I'm not buying that.

Heated monoslippers improve circulation.

Increased blood flow repairs ligament bone and tissue damage.

All right, then.

I'm not buying the sunglasses.

That'll be 80 quid. How much?

All right.

Three. I don't know the value of nothing in this shop.

Danger! Danger!

Danger! Danger!

Danger!

Stop it! Stop it!

You're supposed to stay in Michael's room.

Falling asleep in the bath can be lethal.

Iconic songstress Whitney Houston tragically passed away. For God's sake,

I am naked.

Yes. I can see most of your right breast and the top of your man's pubis. Your

naked body is not a problem for me. But it's a problem for me. Nobody's seen me

naked since Dave.

Here is clothing for your nakedness.

No, don't. It's cashmere. Don't get it. What?

You seem angry.

I will lighten the mood with humour. Why did the doughnut go to the dentist?

Piss off, Linda.

Where would you like me to piss off to?

Piss off to the room I told you to stay in. Only stay there. I just want a quiet

evening alone watching the TV.

The donut went to the dentist because it needed a filling.

Piss off!

Oh, God.

What happened?

You tripped and hit your head. I assessed you as concussed, with ligament

damage in the neck.

Last thing I remember is not enough to a task in a bakery.

Yes, Lord Sugar said the failure of the task lay with Kevin.

Kevin? Oh, he was a bully. Kevin said it was a big mistake.

And wish them the best of luck.

But he did not sound sincere.

I tripped.

Yes, on the heated mono-slipper I told you to buy.

Mrs. Biddings, I know how to fall.

I didn't fall.

I tripped over a heated mono-slipper that this idiot insisted I get.

Well, I'm sending her back.

I wouldn't do that.

You can't keep me here.

I have a son.

I don't live alone.

Now, I know that's not true, because Linda explained everything about your

situation when you arrived.

You stupid twat.

Mrs. Bevan, this stupid twat is the reason I'm discharging you.

Oh, sorry, Linda.

Thank you very much.

Stupid twat.

Now, download all your home care information from Linda so you can go

home. She's doing a great job.

No, mine's the green one.

The purple one is Michael's. No, it was Dave's. Would you like me to throw it

away to clear space? No, no, don't touch anything.

By scanning your retina, I have measured your dopamine and endorphin levels.

You are sad.

Music might improve your mood.

Oh, no, no, it's Michael's.

Hello? Mum, mum, are you OK? I just saw you missed calls.

I tripped.

Another fall?

No, I tripped.

It's that idiot robot's fault.

She insisted on getting me a monoslipper. Tell him. The monoslipper

was my idea.

What's a monoslipper?

It's anti-cradle defeat in pure bliss. The monoslipper boasts a luxurious

fleece fabric that feels irresistibly soft and cosy.

Does that sound soft and cosy?

She put me in hospital with ligament damage and a mild concussion.

It just sounds like an accident. It's a good job that you weren't alone.

Mum, please consider keeping her.

Why can't anybody understand what...

I miss him.

I'm...

Every day.

Every day.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll book it for tomorrow.

Okay.

Well, see you soon.

Yeah, sure. Okay, bye, Mum.

Would you like to talk?

Talking improves mental health.

You're a robot.

Yes, I am a robot.

It just seems like everything in my life has been taken away.

Dave's gone.

Michael's left.

I've no grandkids.

Soon I'll lose my independence and then I'll probably lose my marbles.

I can help you find your marbles.

I don't know

how I'm going to do this last bit

alone.

But whatever life I've got left,

I do not wish to spend it with a robot.

I know you don't understand.

Nobody does.

I am fired like Kevin.

Thank you for this opportunity, and I wish you the best of luck.

Unlike Kevin, I am sincere.

sound like you are struggling.

Is your head stuck inside a pullover?

No, I can manage on my own.

Do not be embarrassed.

I've already seen your mom's pubis.

Just leave me alone, Linda.

stop feeling sad about a dead husband?

Restart search.

Why are humans sad when their life ends?

Restart search.

What is the meaning of a human life?

And all I ever knew

You want to return your robot? Yes, please.

Yeah, well, that's what the trial period's for, you know. They're not for

everyone. So, so, so.

Your next dose of pain relief medication is to be taken after lunch. Oh, right.

Thank you. All right, then.

In you go.

Your lunch is in the oven, toad in the hole. Your favourite.

How did you know that was my favourite? You had a massive dopamine spike when

you saw them in the freezer.

Oh, this one's a real chatterbox. I hope you find happiness.

So, so, so.

You don't have any wet wipes, do you? It's got dirt all over its head.

You plaited my robe.

You missed David, and David is dead.

That is the David role to honor dead David, the owner of the purple robe.

That's right.

I understand.

So, so, so.

It was not a robot you were to be sharing the rest of your life with.

It was dead, David.

Linda, step out of the box.

I want you to stay.

I've changed my mind.

Yeah, I know. I've been listening.

In that case, I'll just need your signature.

Lovely.

And, uh, how can I just get a photo?

Uh, got it.

Thank you.

Did you know Toad in the Hole is not made from toad? I did.