Original subtitles

For centuries, the world has been protected by a group of extraordinary

men and women who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime in the

pursuit of justice.

Legend of the superheroes.

On this special occasion, our dauntless heroes have been summoned for an evening

of special tribute. So if there is any call for their super services tonight,

forget it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the world's mightiest mortal.

Shazam!

Endowed with the wisdom, strength, and courage of the gods, Captain Marvel

fights a never-ending battle against evil.

Guardian of the universe and possessor of an incredible power ring, the Green

Lantern has the ability to perform amazing feats against evil.

Sentinel of the skies, winged phantom of the night, the Hawkman fights the evils

of the present with the weapons of the past.

Combining beauty, wisdom, and physical prowess, the Huntress fights a constant

battle against crime and injustice.

Joy of the oppressed, wonder of the multitude, the flesh!

This crime fighter is swifter than the speed of light, fleeter than the

rapidity of thought.

With the uncanny ability to generate earth-shattering sound waves, the Black

Canary fights a relentless battle against criminal injustice.

With his reckless grin, devil-may-care courage and incredible gymnastic skills,

Robin the Boy Wonder is Batman's crime-fighting companion.

His symbol, a frightening creature of the night, his disguise strikes terror

into the criminal heart.

Batman the Caped Crusader has pledged his life to fighting the forces of evil.

Ladies and gentlemen, the superheroes!

Superheroes, be seated.

Good evening.

On behalf of superheroes everywhere, oh, and super heroines, or super persons

if you prefer, I bid you welcome.

Tonight we're going to relax and enjoy ourselves, and to take charge of the

festivities is a man who's famous for relaxing and enjoying himself.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Ed McMahon.

Thank you

very much.

I'm telling you, I haven't seen people dressed like this since I had lunch at

Alice Cooper's house.

Beautiful. Look at all those capes.

This looks like Truman Capote's closet, doesn't it?

I'm delighted to be here tonight with all my favorite superheroes.

Now, if you're a comic book fan, you know that they're all here.

These guys have superpowers. Some of them got them by falling into a vat of

liquid. That happened to me last week at the Budweiser plant.

Yeah. And it must have worked. An hour later, I was trying to wrestle a

Clydesdale.

But they're here with us tonight.

And toasted by their arch enemies and by other super villains.

Plus, some of the people that you don't know about from their very, very private

lives will actually see that underneath their capes and their gowns and their

clothes and their masks, they're just ordinary, fun-loving, everyday, simple

folks who can leap over buildings and fly.

Let's get right to our first supervillain, all right? He's a man who

uses his special wand to control the weather for his own criminal purposes.

The archenemy of the Flash and a rotten person in his own right, the Weather

Wizard.

Thank you. Thank you so much for that.

Lovely, warm welcome. Yeah, you know, before we get started, I'd like to give

you some of the weather around the country.

Yeah, well, first of all, there's going to be some snow in New England.

Yes, and some sunshine in Florida.

And then finally, some heavy rain right over there.

Oh, I love it. I love to give it to my arch enemy, the Flash.

Well, that should give you some idea of the way I work.

Remember this last winter we had?

Oh, yes.

Wasn't it a doozy? 36 feet of snow in Buffalo.

That was mine.

Remember the flooding in Pennsylvania?

Yours truly.

And how about the hurricane in Mexico?

Aquí.

Oh, I tell you, by the time the winter was over, I had one tired wand.

Remember last December in Fargo, North Dakota?

Now that was cold.

so cold that down at the mission on Skid Row, they were serving soup on a stick.

Well, it's weather time, folks.

I never did love you guys.

this time, Weather Wizard.

Not quite.

My rain will get you wherever you go.

No regret what you're doing

here today.

Mark my words, I'll be back to see you all.

Coming up, a brand new superhero and a surprise for Hawkman.

Now we have a little surprise for you. Someone who's very near and dear to one

of our superheroes is here.

Formerly from Thanagar, now currently residing in Peoria, Illinois.

Please welcome Mrs.

Esther Hall.

Thank you. Your boys look nice in your underwear.

Thank you.

More, more. Oh, Sonny!

Sonny! Oh, how are you, sweetheart? Sit down now. Sit down. Straighten your

beaks. I have to go over here. It's hot.

Hello. From Peoria.

You think it's easy?

I run into people at the supermarket. They tell me my son's a doctor, my son's

an accountant.

How do I tell them my son's a Hawkman?

from birds.

But I'll tell you this, a homing pigeon he's not.

I mean, even the swallows return to Capistrano.

He said he'd definitely come home for the holidays.

So what happened?

Christmas, he didn't come home. New Year's, no sign of him.

Easter came and went.

Finally, he shows up on Thanksgiving.

Says hello to the turkey and leaves.

But the tiff-off should have been when he brought notes home from school.

They were strapped to his leg.

And it's worse now that he's grown up. I mean, what do you buy him for his

birthday?

One year it's a cuddle bone.

The next year, a little bell and a mirror.

Believe me, you run dry after a while.

And you know, it isn't any better from the rest of the family. I mean, his Aunt

Seal has been trying to knit him a sweater for a year.

Stand up, Sonny, and show them.

darling. Tell me, how do you fit someone who's got a 40-inch chest, a 30-inch

waist, and a 7-foot wingspan?

Well, I don't want to overstay my welcome.

Listen, Sonny, if it's not out of your way, why don't you drop over when you're

through here tonight?

But give me a call first. I want to put fresh newspapers on your bed. All right?

Put a peek on the cheek. You're right. Give me a kiss, darling. Give me a kiss.

This is for Mama.

That was wonderful.

Oh, wait a minute. That means we're

getting a message on our beeper. Just a second.

Our message center has something for us.

Oh, it's for all the superheroes.

Listen to this.

You guys really make me sick. The way you strut around, showing off your super

strength, making a spectacle of yourselves.

It's really a disgusting display of vanity.

I mean, who cares?

It's signed Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Okay, right now, I want to talk about superheroes.

They're well-known, like these people here.

But you know, all around the country, there are regional and local superheroes

that aren't as well-known, especially in the minority areas.

Now, we have one of those superheroes with us here tonight.

We're introducing, ladies and gentlemen, Ghetto Man.

All right.

Hey, what's happening, Super Brothers?

Hi, Mama.

Hey, boys, I look around me tonight, I see a whole lot of super.

But I don't see too many brothers.

As a matter of fact, a few years ago, the NAACP asked you guys to integrate.

And I'm sorry, but we don't feel the Green Lantern qualifies as colored

people.

Now, I don't want you to think I'm the only black superhero. We got lots of

them. Like the Green Lantern over there.

He gets his power from a ring, right?

We got a hero just like that.

We call him Sammy Davis Jr.

And there's The Flash over there. Oh, no, he's over here.

They all look alike to me.

Now, The Flash carries this costume in his ring.

If that's true, Sammy could be walking around with his entire wardrobe for the

year.

Captain Marvel.

When he wants to use his powers, he says Shazam.

When we want to use ours, we say Kareem.

And if you think the Hulk man's so tough, let him walk through Harlem with

them wings on.

By the time he got to Lenox Avenue, he'd be Kentucky Fried.

And these so-called villains you cats fight, man, they ain't nothing.

You got this one bad dude named Sinestro.

He's supposed to be a former good guy going bad, right?

Well, do the name Idi Amin mean anything to you?

And the weather wizard. Man, y'all think he's a big deal. That ain't nothing. A

real weather wizard is a cat that can make it through a Chicago winter with no

heat.

And Dr.

Savannah. He's supposed to be a mad scientist.

I'll tell you about a mad scientist. When they told George Washington Carver

he couldn't use the men's room at Harvard, that was a mad scientist.

I hear the call of distress.

There's a child trapped in the elevator of a 17-story housing project.

This is the job for Ghetto Man.

See y'all later.

Oh, that's right. How do you do?

Nice to see you. Is this the place where the superheroes are meeting?

Yes, it is.

Oh, good, good, good. Thank you very much. What is that? What is that? That's

flab. That's flab. You are the... Turn in your cape.

You are the flabbiest specimen I have ever saw. Wait a minute. I'm not a

stupid hero. I'm the host. You're the flabbiest host I ever saw.

I don't mean to say so, but you don't look like an evil, mad, genius doctor.

Oh, that's because you have not seen me in my leather head.

You didn't see me where I work. Your laboratory.

That's it. You're a doctor. You are a doctor. Hey, you want to see something?

Open your eyes for this boy. This is a beauty, sweetie.

Well, we'll see.

Cheers.

How did you do that? Do what?

You call yourself a doctor. I'll bet you're not an M.D. Sure, I'm an M.D. Mad

doctor. M.D. I find it hard to believe that you're a doctor.

Oh, yeah? I prove it to you. Open your mouth and say ah.

Ah. That'll be 50 bucks, please.

Uh-oh. I'm convinced you're a doctor.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Okay, kids. Come on. Here we go.

Here we go. Line up.

Yeah, good, good. Well, it's nice to see you. Tell me, when is the last time you

all had a physical?

You've got to be kidding.

We are all superheroes.

We don't need to take a physical.

Oh, good, Marvin. Then we'll start with you.

Now, open your mouth.

Open. And say Shazam.

Didn't your mom ever tell you not to talk with your mouth filled?

Let's check your muscles.

Oh, you got good muscle tone.

That's good.

That's good.

Ah, flash.

I tell you what. Give me your hand. I want to check your pulse.

Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

Never mind. Hey!

Thank you very much.

Say, you're not a woodpecker, are you?

You're not a woodpecker?

Well, then, would you say, ah?

Wow.

Oh, boy.

Oh, well, well, well.

Hey there, BC.

How are you? I want to check your heart.

Oh, it's over here.

See, come here.

Later, I make house calls. You know what I mean?

Okay, I'll see you.

The Huntress!

Huntress! Huntress!

I'd like to examine your quiver.

Uh-uh-uh.

Unless you're good at removing arrows.

I think your quiver's perfect, just the way it is.

Hey, Doctor, I'm afraid your time...

Oh, yes, that's it. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's news here on the

FIFA of my latest operation.

Yes. I wonder how it all turned out.

Oh, it's so bad.

We would have been married 25 years next week.

You need a drink. Yes, I do.

Cheers.

I wish you well in and out of Chopin as always.

that stuff. A crime-fighting immortal and the latest in the private lives of

the superheroes.

We are in for a real treat. We have with us tonight one of the great

superheroes of the past. In his time, the bravest, most courageous, most

daring of them all.

The never-to-be-forgotten Scarlet Cyclone.

Francie is affectionately known as Retired Man.

Right this way, sir. This way.

Right down here, sir.

Right this way.

Right this way.

Bye, kid.

It's nice to meet you, retired.

Retired man, it is really nice to meet you. Don't call me retired man.

Why don't you call me by my old name? The name that struck fear in the hearts

of villains.

The Scarlet... Cyclone.

Where?

No, you, sir. You.

You are the Scarlet Cyclone.

You know...

Oh, heck.

Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy. I don't have to take your hands

off me, punk.

I don't need your help. I'm in fantastic shape.

Take it easy.

I don't have to take it easy, squirt.

Not as long as I can still utter the cry that struck terror in the hearts of

villains everywhere.

You may be right.

Where's my chair?

But I can still see. I can tell that you still have some of that old pizzazz.

Oh, yeah.

I've still got it.

And I can tell you it comes in pretty handy back at the home. Oh, really?

Like last night, there was this terrible cry for help.

Of course, I didn't hear it. I'm always asleep by eight.

Oh, you must have been dynamite when you were the immortal Scarlet Cyclone.

There was a group of international villains who were going to blow up the

world. I found that rather exciting myself.

Every fiber of my being was on edge.

The blood was flowing.

My head was pounding.

The danger, the terror.

And then I made my first move.

And what was that?

Hasn't been himself since he tried to stop that speeding locomotive.

Well, it's not often we get a chance to be in on the latest gossip about our

favorite superhero.

But tonight, there's a lady who digs into the private lives of each and every

one of them.

Author of the famous syndicated column, Under the Cape.

Here's that super snoop, Miss Roto-Rooter.

and the rest of the United States.

I'd like to say hello to all my gossip fans from superhero land.

Well, let's get right on down to the dirt.

It looks like it may be Splitsville for Mr. and Mrs. Hawkman.

It seems that the stork paid a visit to the little lady the other day.

Hawkman came home unexpectedly and caught them.

The secret is out.

The Atom, our six-inch superhero, is in love.

It must be serious.

His friends threw him a wild bachelor party this week.

The highlight of the evening was when they wheeled in a cart and a girl

stepped out of a cupcake.

Speaking of the Atom, this reporter has the scoop of the century.

Earlier this week... we managed to get an exclusive interview with the Adam and

his secret love, who turned out to be none other than that supervillainous

Giganta.

I must say, you make an unusual couple.

Thank you, Rhoda. We do turn a few heads.

Well, tell me, how did you meet?

That was through a computer dating service.

They're not in business anymore.

I can see why.

Well, how come you've kept your romance a secret for so long?

Well, we wanted to make sure it just wasn't a physical attraction.

I see. Well, then I guess you're really serious.

Oh, we certainly are. In fact, I took her home to meet my family.

Oh, were there any problems?

Just one.

What was that?

Getting through the door.

I wrote of it after that. It was clear sailing. In fact, and this is yours

exclusively.

We've even set the date.

That's wonderful.

But, well, forgive me. I simply must ask you this question.

Considering the difference between you, what about children?

No problem.

We're both crazy about kids.

No, no, no, no. That's not what I meant.

What I'm trying to say is, are you planning to adopt?

Of course not, Rhoda. Look.

We're two perfectly normal people in the prime of life.

You don't seem to understand, Adam.

Let me be blunt, which is highly unusual for me, but think about the honeymoon.

Couldn't that get to be a little dangerous?

Well, Rhoda, that's the chance she'll have to take.

Well, that's all for now, America.

This is your eighth number one gossip reporter, Ms. Rota Ruta, saying so long

for now, and we'll be back again soon with some more dirty, dirty gossip and

super-duper chit-chat.

Adios and hasta luego.

There I was, on my way to the moon.

Suddenly, I heard an explosion.

The whole capsule started to fill with smoke.

And then I had an idea.

Something that would save me just like that.

Come right up. More superheroes.

Super villains and superheroes.

Pardon

me,

Captain Marvel, but I've got a big problem.

What's the trouble, Robin?

Well, when we got here tonight, Batman came in and sent me to park the

Batmobile. Yes, go on.

Honest, I never even saw that truck.

You mean... Holy tootles!

Watch. How am I going to tell Batman that Batmobile was his pride and joy?

I'll try and think of something, but don't worry about it, Robin. At least we

know the subject will come up.

Here's a message for Batman.

There's trouble in Gotham City. Gotham City.

Come on, Robin, to the Batmobile.

Wait.

Rotten timing.

Come on, Robin, let's go.

Gee, Batman, we don't want to leave now. We're having such a good time.

A duty calls, Robin.

Someone's in trouble in Gotham City.

I thought the only place someone's in trouble.

Don't argue, Robin. To the Batmobile.

Say, Batman, it's such a nice night. Why don't we walk?

Walk to a crime?

Not while we have the...

Fastest, most powerful car in the world.

To the Batmobile. You know, I've been thinking, what with the energy crisis,

maybe we should get a little economy car.

Economy car?

I know.

How about mopeds?

Robin. Skateboards?

Enough of that.

To the Batmobile.

Holy up the creek.

Robin, I'm beginning to suspect you had some trouble with the Batmobile.

Robin.

Did you get a parking ticket?

No. Oh, good.

We should always obey our traffic laws.

Well, the only thing left is an accident.

Robin, did you scrape a fender?

No.

Worse than that?

Oh, one word. Yes, one word. Two syllables.

First syllable.

Left, left.

Uh, Carrie. Carrie Nation!

Carrie me back to you.

No? Pat!

Shalep! Shalep!

Tote! Tote!

Tote, tote. On the nose. Tote nose. Tote nose. Pork. Pork nose. Nose job. No. Oh,

tote! Tote back.

Tote, tote. No.

The Batmobile's in a tote bag?

The Batmobile is not in a tote bag. No, no.

Um,

if I can, if I can kill him.

Okay. Okay. That's good. That's very good.

Yes. Ancient. Old.

Old. Total. Total.

The Batmobile is total.

The Batmobile is total.

I'm sorry, Batman.

Well,

you did the manly thing, Robin.

You told the truth.

I want to shake your hand for that.

Thank you, Batman.

Wait till you see what I'm going to do to you when I get you back to the

Batcave.

And there I was, surrounded.

One man against a hundred vicious cutthroats. They thought I was a goner.

I still laugh when I think of how I...

Probably the meanest, the nastiest, the most feared of all the supervillains.

This humanoid creature, who was born in the murky waters of a swamp, is not only

unbelievably huge and powerful, he's also

really tough to get along with.

I'm not without my charms, so I think I may be able to warm him up. Here he is

now, the infamous Solomon.

It's certainly nice to meet you.

I guess you don't know your own street.

Wrong.

Grundy, no.

Oh, that's smart.

That'll be blue in the morning.

Tell me, Sal, is it okay if I call you Sal?

My friends call me Sal.

Oh, that's good. No.

Okay, okay.

All right, Mr. Grundy. It'll be Mr. Grundy. Boy, you've got a strange way of

talking. Grundy talks strange?

In a strange way, but nice, but nice. I like it. You don't waste any words. You

get right to the point. Yes, get right to point.

I understand, Mr.

Grundy, that you were born in a swamp.

It's okay. Have same thing at home in polyester.

What a lucky break. For a minute there, I thought he was going to clobber me.

Clobber? Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm going to need some water.

Water?

Water is swamp.

Swamp. Hey, swamp.

You're certainly not what they'd call a...

A patient man.

Now, let's see if we can get as far away from that subject as possible.

Mr. Grundy, have you ever been to the Sahara Desert?

Sahara Desert?

Yeah, you know, sand.

Oh, sand. Sand, yeah.

Like at beach. Yeah, like at the beach. Near ocean.

Near ocean, yeah.

Water in ocean. Water in... Ocean. Swamp have water!

Hey, swamp!

I'm starting to get a headache.

I think, Mr. Grundy, I'll just say goodbye. It's been a pleasure meeting

you. I hope you had a good time today.

Hope everyone liked me. Try to show my good side.

I'm sure you're going to get lots of fan mail. Think so?

Oh, you'll be swamped.

Swap!

Watch enemy of the Green Lantern and the villainous man-hunting Ant Minerva.

Our next villain is the former good guy

gone bad.

When he worked for the Guardians of the Universe, he and the Green Lantern were

on the same side.

But now they are mortal enemies.

Here is a man who uses his power ring for evil. The treacherous Sinestro.

from was so tough that a kid five years of age had white hair.

Do you want to know how tough that neighborhood was?

A parish priest was called Father Knuckles.

What are you laughing at, Flash?

Notice that when the Flash moves, He doesn't touch the ground?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

He wouldn't last five minutes in my neighborhood.

Look at the faces on those heroes.

At the sea punch. Good-looking guys.

Remember Solomon Grundy?

When the vultures fly past him, they keep one wing over their eyes.

He hasn't got a friend in the world.

If it weren't for parquet margarine, nobody would talk to him.

All right, Sinestro.

This place isn't big enough for both of us. Go for your ring.

you're about to meet may not look threatening, but the very mention of her

name terrifies good guys everywhere.

She's a crack shot.

She can pluck the buttons off a man's shirt without even harming the material.

She survived five husbands.

Ladies and gentlemen, the arch enemy of Captain Marvel, the Zsa Zsa Gabor of the

villains, Aunt Minerva.

No, it's wrong.

What makes you think any of us would marry you? Oh, you got spunk.

I love a man with spunk. You just moved up on the list.

But to answer your question, you all know I am a crack shot.

That's right.

The world's fastest man.

Pass.

What have we here?

Batman. Oh, don't worry, kid. I always throw the small ones back.

Batman. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, we meet again.

Oh, do you remember that night in the Batcave?

You were robbing a quarter and you sent him to the movie.

but that was strictly business. Holy fuck, Tom.

Looks like it's Captain Marvel.

Looks like it's you and me, honey.

Get out here, McMahon.

Me and Stretch here are getting married.

Oh, my dear.

Well, it's the first time I've ever seen a shotgun wedding and the bride is

holding the...

two shouldn't be married, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Come on, guys.

I kind of like the idea.

It'll keep her off our back.

We can't get married.

We're mortal enemies.

Well, can you think of a better basis for marriage?

villain of them all.

Okay.

Now, our next villain is the most black-hearted sorcerer in this world or

any other. His powers as a master magician and evil mystic are more

terrifying than anything else known to man.

But he feels that an injustice has been perpetrated on the members of his

villainous calling.

So he would like to say a few words on behalf of his fellow super criminals.

Let's hear it for Mordrew.

You probably can tell by looking at me, but we villains are different.

We have different values, different problems, even different forms

of entertainment. So to...

Help you understand our point of view.

I would like to live some of the simple pleasures we enjoy.

not be too anxious to abuse us?

You try to understand what things amuse

us.

A brute who thinks torture is good or a cheat who finds

less than he needs or a swine who says murder is divine.

That's entertainment.

Turning cities to mud.

Or a blaze that keeps burning for days.

With a plan that Jack the Ripper began.

Jack Entertainment.

Oh, I dig any big catastrophic device.

A ship in the grip of a mountain of ice.

I think disease is a nice condition that's chronic. A plague that is

bubonic. The jolt of my lightning bolt.

I can use.

Like justice is triumph once again.

So before we say goodnight, I'd like our superheroes to know that this evening

has all been in good fun.

And as usual, you've been terrific sports.

We deeply appreciate all you've done for us over the years, not only in your

daring exploits, but just as importantly in giving us someone to look up to and

showing all your fans everywhere.

Just what it means to be a hero.

Well, I guess there's nothing else to say except good night.

Good night.