Original subtitles

Bye.

It has been a busy week. Progressive Abdul El-Sayed narrowly won the

Democratic primary in Michigan. A SpaceX rocket crashed into the moon. And there

was a fender bender on I-71 in Cincinnati, which isn't in and of itself

noteworthy, but the way it got reported was pretty great.

Traffic is blowing down both sides around this car, as well as that on

-ramp. Oh, shit.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

This literally just watched a crash happen in real time.

And I almost said something inappropriate.

Well, not almost.

To be fair, you basically let the whole word out there. Not that I'm judging, by

the way. Oh, shit is a completely appropriate response.

To think a car crash happened, an inappropriate one, would have been if

you said nice, or that one didn't quite do it for me, or a long, soft moan. But

just blurting out shit?

That is called being a human being.

And look, I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of the show enjoying

clips of people swearing on local news. But sadly, there is no time to do that

because we're actually going to dive straight in with our main story tonight,

which concerns justice.

It's both a snatched, blindfolded lady and also a pretty good name for a dog

above 40 pounds.

Specifically, we're going to talk about the Department of Justice, which has

been in the news a lot lately for a bunch of reasons, from its prosecutions

of James Comey and other Trump enemies to subpoenaing journalists who've

reported critically on the administration. And just this week, we

saw an absolute fiasco surrounding Jeanine Pirro, US attorney for DC and

future star of The Real Housewives of Hell.

You might remember, last month, she charged this former Olympic canoeist

with a felony for allegedly vandalising the reflecting pool, justifying her

decision like this.

Hearn willfully destroyed property.

Does he have any tools, or is it just his bare hands?

Right now, we believe it's his bare hands. Both hands.

So does that indicate you believe that it was probably damaged before, or do

you believe that he... Oh, he damaged it. ...further, but do you believe it

had already been damaged before? He damaged the pool.

Before he touched it. He damaged this pool.

Okay, okay. First, you have to promise not to take what I'm about to say out of

context, because...

I do not want to see this pulled out in a headline tomorrow, okay?

That said, we shouldn't always have to believe women.

Because sometimes women, like Janine Pirro, and many men, can be, and again,

do not quote me on this, dumb as fuck, wrong as shit, and louder than a drunk

parakeet. The point is...

That was a wild claim. And last Friday, the DOJ quietly moved to dismiss the

charge, acknowledging what everyone already assumed, that the damage to the

reflecting pool was the result of a botched installation and not, in fact,

vandalism. Trump, though, was not happy about that and reportedly considered

firing Pirro, saying that she choked and adding this.

I was disappointed with Jeanine Pirro, really disappointed with Jeanine Pirro.

She folded like an umbrella.

Okay, that is, unfortunately, a very funny way of saying it.

Honestly, in another universe, a much better one, Trump would be a sassy

upstairs neighbour on a long-running sitcom.

Sadly, instead, if the president and his bitchy quips about being bummed that the

US Attorney for DC isn't getting the results that he personally wants are

signs of a slow-moving constitutional crisis.

And that is far from... the only sign that the DOJ is increasingly acting at

Trump's behest. Just this week, the Senate confirms his former personal

attorney, Todd Blanche, as Attorney General, despite, among other things,

controversy over the anti-weaponization fund meant to benefit Trump's allies and

the accompanying settlement that protected Trump from IRS audits, which

is just madness.

The deciding vote on Blanche came down to Bill Cassidy, who gave a speech

outlining the many, many good reasons not to confirm Blanche before announcing

that he was going to vote for him anyway and then ending his address like this.

I'll be criticised for this vote. What's new?

But... People from Louisiana.

can be assured that I worked hard to understand the issue and to make the

right decision.

With that, I yield.

What the fuck was that?

That has got to be one of the most over-the-top dramatic performances I

have ever seen. And I will remind you, that's coming from someone who's now

been in multiple soap operas.

whining, I'll be criticised for this, what's new?

I don't know, man.

Maybe try voting for something people would actually like. If every day before

work you psych yourself up in the mirror saying, here we go, another day at the

arsehole factory making everyone hate me, it might be time to reconsider some

of your choices.

And look, some of the messes at the DOJ have obviously been well covered, from

the reflecting pool to its suspicious treatment of the Epstein files. But the

damage to it actually goes f***ing far beyond the splashiest headline. So given

that tonight, we thought it might be worth checking in on what changes Trump

has made at the DOJ, who's working there now, the priorities they've been given,

and what that means for the rest of us. Let's start with the fact that the DOJ

is a massive organisation, encompassing everything from the FBI to the DEA to

the Bureau of Prisons. But we're going to focus mainly on the thousands of

lawyers who, among other things, litigate its cases.

They've long been held in high esteem within the legal profession, and at

least post-Nixon, most modern presidents have understood that their mission

necessitates a degree of independence.

In fact, the first time Obama met with his US attorneys, he apparently told

them, I appointed you, but you don't serve me, you serve the American people.

And as this former DOJ official points out, that ideal is foundational to how

the department is supposed to operate.

In the Department of Justice, when you stand up in court, you don't say, I'm

Mike Gordon representing a particular person. You say, I'm Mike Gordon

representing the United States and all of its people, even the defendant, even

the judge himself.

Exactly. You represent all America's people. The defendant, the judge, Queen

Latifah, your sophomore English teacher, the Hawk Tour girl, a few hundred

thousand thieves, white girls with dreadlocks named River Swallow, and the

bus drivers who closed the door even though they definitely saw you running.

Speak for all of them. And even Trump's first Attorney General this term, Pam

Bondi, seemed to know enough to promise senators that she would preserve the

agency's independence during her confirmation hearings.

I will not politicize that office. I will not target people simply because of

their political affiliation.

Justice will be administered even-handedly throughout this country.

Well, thank you, Pamela Jo.

For one have always wondered what would happen if Elle Woods got hooked on

lorazepam and now I know

But the independence promised by Pinstripe Targaryen here clearly did not

last long. Just a few weeks into Bondi's time on the job, she actually

accompanied Trump to the DOJ to address staff, where she said, we are so proud

to work at the directive of Donald Trump.

He then gave a speech in which he complained that the DOJ had become a

corrupt group of hacks and radicals, and made it clear that he felt it had been

weaponised against him, even during this striking comparison.

I was attacked by a political opponent and probably it helped that I was

attacked more than anybody in the history of our country. Alphonse Capone,

the great Alphonse Capone, legendary, star-faced, was attacked only a tiny

fraction of what Trump was attacked.

Okay, but, I'm sorry, Alphonse?

What are you, Capone's mother when she's mad at him?

A second, why on earth would you try to affirm your innocence by referencing a

famous criminal? If you don't want people to associate you with something,

don't bring up the comparison. There is a reason that you'll never catch me

making reference to Mr Peapoddy, or Marcy, or Milhouse, or the Nerdy

Nutbear, the official mascot of Nerdy Nuts, or indeed this sink.

I need the audience to keep us separate.

But sure enough, almost immediately after Trump took office last year, the

DOJ began to purge officials who'd investigated him or his allies. And that

was just the beginning of a massive housecleaning. And it is worth

understanding the extent to which the DOJ's workforce has changed. First, it's

gotten meaningfully smaller.

Before Trump took office, there were just under 13,000 attorneys at the DOJ,

but nearly 4,000 have since left, and only around 1,400 have been hired to

replace them. In fact, they seem to be really struggling to recruit people, as

the job standards in some offices have been lowered to the point that

applicants no longer even have to have worked as an attorney, they just have to

have a law degree and active state bar membership.

And even some of its non-lawyer hires have been questionable. Just watch this

exchange when Bondi testified before Congress in February. And a congressman

brought up some footage from January 6th.

I want to show you just a brief video. It's about 30 seconds. And I'll ask you

a couple questions about it. You guys are disgusting.

I'm from the law enforcement.

You're disgusting.

You are the Nazi.

You are the Gestapo.

Attorney General Bondi, that man works for you now, right?

Who was that, Congressman?

The man in that video, the one who was in the police-worn body cam footage, the

one allegedly yelling, kill him, at police officers on January 6th, his name

is Jared Wise.

He does work for us. He works for you at the Department of Justice.

He does.

Yeah, not great.

Especially given that the man in question, this guy, was hired as part of

the DOJ's new weaponization working group.

Though maybe the worst part there is Bondi asking for his name, as if anyone

in the crowd of screaming violent rioters could plausibly be working for

her. Did I hire the shrieking lunatic you just showed me? You'll have to be

more specific.

I see a lot of strong candidates and familiar faces there.

But it's not just personnel that's changed, it's priorities.

As you've probably noticed, the agency's brought a bunch of cases and

investigations against Trump's enemies, including ones against James Comey,

Letitia James, Adam Schiff, and Jerome Powell. And it seems fair to suggest

that many were brought on Trump's personal instructions, especially given

last fall he literally posted this note to Pam Bondi that read, Pam!

I have reviewed over 30 statements and posts saying that essentially, same old

story as last time, all talk, no action.

Nothing is being done. What about Comey, Adam's shifty ship, Letitia?

Justice must be served now, all cap.

Now, there have been reports that that was actually meant to be a DM to Bondi,

but Trump accidentally posted it publicly instead, which does seem

plausible to me, not just because of the use of PAM up top.

But also because, try and remember, Trump was born in 1946.

It is frankly a miracle that we don't seem accidentally posting more things

that he thought he was typing privately, like Trump approval rating, or Christie

known bathing suit, or which one was Lindsey Graham.

Now, many of the cases and investigations I've mentioned so far

have since fallen apart, and while I would love to list them all for you,

it's a lot. More fun, honestly, watching them being recited directly into Todd

Blanch's face.

The record has been tough for both Comey and James. The indictments get

dismissed. The indictment against Congressman Adam Schiff that he called

for it never gets off the ground. The probe into those six Democratic

lawmakers, the grand jury declines to indict.

A judge in D.C. tosses out a subpoena for Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell.

That's bad news for the department.

Nope.

Well, not bad news for the department. It means that we're working hard. Look,

those are difficult cases.

They are difficult cases, the ones that you talked about, and some of them are

still ongoing, so I'm dancing around the conversation a little bit. But we're not

going to run away from hard cases, even if the media doesn't like it.

Okay, first, no one's accusing you of running away.

They're accusing you of losing.

Rest assured, everyone believes you ran cock first as hard as you could straight

into a brick wall.

And second, I didn't realise the existence of repeated unsuccessful

attempts was actually good news.

That's huge for DC movies, if true.

And that string of failures brings me to the fact that a lot of people that

Trump's brought into the DOJ seem to be well below the standard you would

expect. in their jobs. And one key sign of this is the DOJ's repeated failure to

get grand jury indictments. That's often a formality in our legal process.

Basically, the government gets to present its evidence without any

response from the defence, and grand jurors merely have to decide whether the

government's proven that there is probable cause that a suspect has

committed a crime, which is a very low bar.

In fact, it is so pro-former, there's an old saying that any good prosecutor can

get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich.

And before you roll your eyes at how folksy that sounds, you should know the

sandwich in question pulled its dick out in a movie theatre.

And to answer the one question that I know you all have right now, it was

despicable me.

But incredibly, Trump's DOJ has frequently been unable to clear that

very low bar.

with one notable instance involving a literal sandwich.

You might remember last year in D.C. when a man threw a sub at a Border

Patrol agent and then ran away.

Well, in the immediate aftermath, Jeanine Pirro bragged that she was going

to throw the book at him.

He thought it was funny.

Well, he doesn't think it's funny today because we charged him with a felony,

assault on a police officer, and we're going to back the police to the hilt. So

there, stick your Subway sandwich somewhere else.

First, he can't actually stick his family somewhere else. He pretty

famously threw it at someone.

Second, I'd argue it is technically still funny. And finally, no notes on

the pantsuit there. I genuinely like that you went to your tailor and asked

her to look like Cruella de Vil if she got away with it.

But, as far as bringing justice... to the sandwich thrower that man apparently

offered to turn himself in after prosecutors issued a warrant but instead

they launched a militarized 20-person operation to storm his apartment and the

white house even released this dramatic video of that raid

Every part of that is so dumb, including the timestamps 11.13 to 11

.21. You are telling me it took a SWAT team eight minutes to arrest a guy whose

crime is committed every day by children at recess and who's already tried to

turn himself in? As for West End, D.C., are you trying to make that feel gritty?

Where did your Big Gary mission happen, dipshits? Somewhere between the Spanish

Embassy and the RIC?

fact they made such a production out of that man's arrest is what makes it so

embarrassing that when prosecutors eventually showed their evidence to a

grand jury, it declined to indict him. Pirro ultimately settled for charging

him with a misdemeanor, but even then he got acquitted, in part because, well,

the agent in question testified that the sandwich kind of exploded all over.

And I could feel it through my ballistic vest.

And that he smelled the onions and the mustard.

The defense... pointed to video showing that the sandwich had actually stayed

intact inside its wrapper. Which is just incredible.

I so wish I could have seen that agent walk far after work and respond to, how

was your day? Yeah, not great, to be honest. I told the jury a sandwich

exploded on me, but they had video.

And that is by no means the only high-profile prosecution that fell

apart. In Chicago, an attempt to prosecute the so-called Broadview Six.

Protesters who'd been arrested outside the Broadview Ice Facility was withdrawn

after misconduct by the prosecutors there, including the fact they'd spoken

to grand jurors outside the grand jury room. What's more, after initially

failing to get an indictment, they tried again, but stacked the deck by removing

some jurors who'd previously voted against them, which is just not how it

works. And transcripts of that proceeding were an absolute

embarrassment.

Check out this exchange from October 16th between Assistant U.S. Attorney

Sherry Mecklenburg and a grand juror. Grand juror, quote, are you actually

presenting any new actual facts or just a different viewpoint on your side?

Ms. Mecklenburg, quote, okay, I'm feeling the skepticism already.

Are you going to be able to listen with an open mind? Tell me the truth.

Grand juror, quote, I know.

Miss Mecklenburg, quote, okay, then you have to go.

Grand juror, quote, I heard this case like last week, and I thought it was a

crock of expletive then, and I still think it is.

Excellent. I know that once you do jury duty, you're supposed to be out of the

running for a while, but I would argue that we should have that person on all

juries going forward.

Because they are a natural at it. I genuinely wish that they'd be called for

the Elizabeth Holmes trial, just so that we'd have a transcript reading, juror

quotes, holy shit, your client is guilty as fuck.

And why does she sound like Mira Sorvino at the bottom of the well?

And look, you might be thinking, well, that case was completely meritless. I'm

glad the DOJ fucked it up. But first, remember...

For people caught up in these bullshit prosecutions, they've been scary, time

-consuming and costly.

And second, the DOJ's incompetence unfortunately isn't limited to these

cases. Some of their new hires have fucked up cases where the stakes are

much higher.

In Wyoming, Trump's newly appointed prosecutor, a man who'd incidentally

never before appeared in court as part of a criminal or civil proceeding,

behaved wildly unprofessionally, including at one point handing out his

business cards.

to members of the grand jury and inviting them to reach out to him.

His conduct was so egregious, a court dismissed indictments that he'd gotten

against nine criminal defendants, including ones facing charges for murder

and repeat possession of child pornography.

And while a new grand jury later recharged those particular cases, it is

not great for this guy seemingly learning how grand juries work on the

job, especially given he's still in charge of that fucking office.

And that is the thing here.

In normal times, the DOJ does some incredibly important work, but sadly,

under Trump, while political prosecutions have risen, other genuinely

important ones have either been messed up or just tossed aside. For all the

headlines about bullshit cases like the reflecting pool or the sandwich

murderer, the real decay at the department has unfortunately got much

less attention, which isn't good.

Because it does feel important that people know that not long after Bondi

was appointed, the agency began shutting down more than 23,000 criminal

investigations concerning things like terrorism, white-collar crime, drugs and

other offences, and including everything from a Virginia nursing home with a

recent record of patient abuse to an investigation into a cryptocurrency

company suspected of cheating investors.

But maybe the grimmest picture of the quiet damage a politicised DOJ can do

can be seen by looking at its civil rights division.

It's often referred to as the crown jewel of the Justice Department.

It was created by Congress during the Civil Rights era to ensure all the new

laws prohibiting discrimination in voting, employment and so on were

actually being enforced.

Unfortunately, that mission is now being turned on its head.

under its current leader, Harmeet Dhillon. You may remember that we showed

you a clip of her earlier this year, talking about how she finds cases to

pursue on social media and by following accounts like Libs of TikTok.

Well, that is just the beginning of the red flags when it comes to putting her

in charge of civil rights.

Someone asked me...

what I think is the most critical civil rights issue of our time that's on a

daily basis.

And I said, I think it's not even in the Bill of Rights. It's the fact that

Americans feel like they have to lie every day to get through the day. They

have to lie about pronouns.

They have to lie about the person in the cubicle next to them being qualified if

they aren't.

They have to pretend to laugh at and like certain types of jokes.

late night comedians when they don't agree with them.

Okay. Obviously.

It is bonkers to be claiming that the biggest issues right now are lying about

pronouns, job qualifications and late night comedians, although for the

record, why are we not pretending to find my jokes funny? They are simply

laughing out of an abundance of politeness until I get to the sad facts

and numbers that we all know they came to see. Speaking of which, hey guys,

according to the Centre for Biological Diversity with at least 51 whale deaths

this year, 2026 could rank among the deadliest years for West Coast whales.

They love facts.

But Dylan's list of grievances there is basically a bizarro world version of

civil rights where the only ones that matter are those of conservatives. For

example, her division has been aggressively looking into supposed voter

fraud, suing DC and 30 states to obtain unredacted voter rolls to fish around

for offenders.

Notably, their record to date with those lawsuits is 21 straight losses.

It's also launched investigations into admissions at universities like UCLA and

Yale, largely focused on potential discrimination against white applicants.

And at the same time, it's dropped lawsuits and investigations into all

these police departments, including the Phoenix PD, where the DOJ had previously

found, among other things, severe discrimination, routine violations of

the rights of homeless people, and excessive use of force. And good luck

explaining that decision. Sorry, guys, we can't investigate police misconduct.

Brantley here couldn't get into Yale, so we had to make a whole federal case out

of it. He's dumb as shit, but his dad's very successful, and that used to mean

something.

But that is not all.

Because the Civil Rights Division has also stepped into undue settlements that

it had reached while Biden was in office.

One such settlement involved Lowndes County, Alabama, a historically under

-resourced, primarily black area, where many residents have never had access to

a municipal water or sewage system.

Before the Biden-era DOJ got involved, things there were really bad, as this

2022 news segment explained.

Untreated sewage can lead to bacterial infections and intestinal parasites.

The only solution is a new system.

But the hard clay soil here requires specially designed septic systems that

can cost as much as the median household income in Lowndes County.

Every time it rains, people, they know what might happen. They know that sewage

may shoot out and come back in their house.

Right, and that is obviously horrible, because let us all agree, under certain

circumstances, it can be fun when water goes up. Think of fountains.

Old faithful. A whale spouting.

Magnificent. But now, imagine if that spray was coming out of a different

whale hole, and it was doing it all over your home where you and your things

live. You'd be justifiably pissed off.

And what made that situation even worse was the fact homeowners there could face

criminal charges, fines or jail time for failing to install a septic system, even

if they couldn't afford to.

Now, thankfully, in 2023, the Civil Rights Division reached an agreement

that not only stopped the state from delivering fines and other penalties

against residents there, it ensured the state would be an active participant in

the solution by helping to find ways to pay for new septic systems, which is

obviously good.

A long-standing problem got some traction toward a solution when the DOJ

stepped in. But as soon as Harmeet Dhillon took over, she terminated that

agreement, saying the DOJ will no longer push environmental justice as viewed

through a distorting DEI lens.

And just listen to local activists who had worked... incredibly hard to bring

septic systems to their area, reacting to that argument.

When we started doing this work, people weren't even saying anything about DEI.

We didn't know what DEI was.

Is fixing wastewater in this part of Alabama DEI?

Absolutely not. I mean, I don't care who applies for the program.

Right. And honestly, even having to answer our septic tank DEI is pretty

insulting. It's one of those questions that should really be laughable on its

face, but which will also now almost inevitably one day be the lead chyron on

Fox News, alongside other questions like, have museums gotten too gay? Or

are butterflies trans? Or can women just stop?

And look, I am not saying... The DOJ doesn't have its flaws. We've talked

multiple times about the problems with prosecutors and the laws they're called

upon to enforce.

But it can and should also be a force for righting wrongs.

Unfortunately, in Trump's second term, it's become an agency where a lot of

newly hired dipshits are running around pursuing his vendettas while actively

undermining work that could actually help people.

And the institutional damage here has already been considerable. Judges have

apparently begun questioning the so-called presumption of regularity,

they extend to government lawyers. That's basically just assuming that

prosecutors are not going to lie in court.

And it is hard to get that level of trust back.

The potential long-term damage here is honestly difficult to sum up, but this

former DOJ lawyer comes pretty close.

The thing is, as prosecutors, we have an ethical obligation that's higher than

any other attorney because what a prosecutor can do is we can take away

somebody's liberty. And what they're doing is they're driving out people that

are willing to follow the law.

And that's terrifying because our democracy falls apart if there's not

some sort of law and order that goes along with it. Exactly.

We need prosecutors at the DOJ who actually value upholding the law. And it

feels insane to even have to say that out loud.

It's one of those things that should be a given. Like, we need teachers who know

how to read. Or we need barbers who use scissors instead of their teeth. We're

in a dangerous place if this is even a fucking discussion.

And look, the hard truth here is that a lot of the damage I've discussed tonight

probably won't be possible to undo until Trump leaves office. And at that point,

there'll clearly be a ton of work to be done, starting with rehiring the

competent lawyers who've left all being pushed out. But in the meantime, it is

worth remembering that as bleak as this story is, and I know it is bleak, so

far, thankfully, a lot of the system's guardrails have actually held up.

When Jeanine Pirro folded like an umbrella over that reflecting pool case.

I'm guessing it wasn't out of any sense of personal shame. After all, you've

seen how she dresses.

More likely, it was, as some former prosecutors have argued, fear of getting

sanctioned. As one has said, the DC federal bench has not been reticent in

holding prosecutors accountable, which is good.

Also, you've seen judges throw out... some of the most egregious cases, and

grand juries decline to bring charges. And it's going to be important for that

to keep happening, even as Trump continues to stock the federal bench

with utter maniacs. In fact, there is a real argument right now, even more so

than usual, that if you get called to serve on a jury or a grand jury, that

you do do it. And I know that that can be a really tough sell. Not everyone is

thrilled with the idea of jury service.

But I will remind you, there are real upsides here. One, they give you a small

stipend. Two, you get a sense of civic pride. And finally, if you are lucky,

you might end up on the news for telling a lazy government prosecutor that their

case is a complete crock of shit.

And now, this.

And now, people on TV handled National Grab Some Nuts Day exactly as you'd

expect. It is also Grab Some Nuts Day, and I would normally reach for...

Okay.

Macadamia nuts.

Macadamia nuts.

Sorry. I just looked at Crystal, and she was giggling a little bit, and I lost

it. If it feels like Christmas and your birthday all at once, that's because

it's the best day of the year. It is National Grab Some Nuts Day. It's

National Grab Some Nuts Day, so enjoy your mixed ones today.

Okay. So it's National Grab Some Nuts Day.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Exactly.

Now, can we keep it above a fourth grade level, Desiree? No, we can't. For all

children. It is Grab Some Nuts Day.

A handful of... Peanut.

Snack. Snack. Mm-hmm. There you go. So it's a big day.

Mm-hmm.

Snack.

Thinking I better be safe.

Moving on. Finally tonight, a quick update about Buc-ee's. You may remember,

a couple of weeks ago, we talked about their habit of suing businesses for

trademark infringement, going after everyone from a cartoon moose to a koala

bear to an alligator that looks nothing like a beaver, but a lot like it was in

D.C. on January 6th.

Well, in response, we set up our own store selling branded Buc-off

merchandise. Now, the good news is, we've raised almost half a million

dollars for Hunger-Free America so far.

It doesn't seem that Bucky's got the message, because apparently they're at

it again.

Bucky's is in the spotlight again, suing local shop Beaver Mini Mart, claiming

the Beaver Creek business used a name and logo too similar to the company's

well-known Beaver branding.

According to complaints, the mart's drawings share similarities to Bucky's

mascot, including wide eyes, a smile, and red as the predominant color.

Yes, it turns out they're still filing lawsuits.

You know, it might be time to name the Bucky's beaver Mitch McConnell, because

it seems this bitch will not quit.

Also, those carton beavers clearly look nothing like each other. To pick one

obvious difference, the Bucky's logo wears a hat, while the minimark beaver

is still in an Eden-like state of innocence, where he knows not that he is

naked, nor to cover his own nakedness. I'm sorry, but I can spot when a beaver

is born with original sin, and bingo, buddy, it's you.

The details of this latest case are just incredible, because it turns out the

mini-mart has been going by that name since at least 2019, while Bucky's has

only been in the state of Ohio since April.

Also, its new location there is 74,000 square feet and features brisket, jerky,

beaver nuggets, and more than 100 gas pumps, whereas Beaver's Mini-Mart is a

local corner store that sells lottery tickets, has no gas pumps, and is miles

from the nearest interstate. In fact...

Here is what they look like side by side.

That mini-mart looks like something that they would sell inside of a Bucky's.

And yet, Bucky's alleges that its name and Beaver logo are likely to cause

confusion among consumers.

But how exactly?

There is no way anyone is confusing their local convenience store with a

gasoline Valhalla 20 minutes away by car.

And look, on top of all of that, remember, the mini-mart...

is literally the place called Beaver Creek.

So it's frankly no wonder residents there are pissed.

We're the city of Beaver Creek. There's beavers everywhere.

I think the lawsuit is so dumb.

There was a constant stream of customers at Beaver's Mini Mart today, many with a

similar purpose.

Made me want to come support them and just help out a local business that is

being what really feels like bullied by a big corporation.

Reading into it more that Bucky's has gone after other companies over this, it

just... Put a bad taste in my mouth, because they just seem like such a fun

company, and to see this, that they're coming after a small business like this,

it just, it upset me like it did a lot of Beaver Creek residents.

Yeah, I bet it did, because even though that man seems even keeled there, that

is as upset as someone from the Midwest gets.

He's politely expressing disappointment, gently shaking his head, and wearing the

Ohio version of war paint, which is a tucked-in Cleveland Browns lanyard. That

is... The New York equivalent of setting a police car on fire.

Bucket's lawsuit is characteristically aggressive. Among its demands are that

the minimart destroy all signage and any other materials with its name or logo,

and file a report in writing setting forth in detail the manner and form in

which it did so, which feels wildly over the top to me.

Describing writing, how you destroyed your mascot, is one step away from

saying, send us the severed head of your beaver or else.

And as many Beaver Creek residents have pointed out, if Bucky's won't let the

mini-mart use a beaver in its logo, that could be a slippery slope.

Because they've understandably got a bunch of beaver stuff there. From Beaver

Creek Pizza Dive to the Bowling Alley Beaver View Bowl, the town's annual

popcorn festival has a beaver mascot, as does Beaver Creek High School, whose

mascot is literally named Bucky the Beaver.

And he has been around for decades, by the way, as you can see from this almost

certainly haunted photo.

Please say that you can see him too.

I really don't want to be the only one who can see him.

Because he looks like the only photo they show in a true crime documentary of

the serial killer.

They even have fiberglass beavers all over town with various themes, including

a doctor beaver, an Air Force beaver, a disco beaver, and, appropriately for

this story, a lady justice beaver.

She and the disco beaver are hooking up, by the way, but you didn't hear it from

me.

Thankfully, other local businesses have been showing their support.

Rabbit Hole Books posted a new version of their logo with a beaver in it, with

a caption reading, come and get us, buckies, you don't own every beaver,

which is undeniably true.

And they weren't the only ones temporarily rebranding. Dozens of local

businesses all over Beaver Creek and the Dayton region showing their solidarity

with Beaver's mini-market.

by adding some beaver-inspired designs.

Blueberry Cafe is one of the businesses who poked a little fun at the whole

situation by jokingly changing their logo to a blueberry beaver.

Excellent. And while I don't love the obvious answer to the question, how did

all those businesses come up with beaver logos so fast?

I do love that they have clearly gone full I am Spartacus on a rodent-themed

gas station chase.

And it didn't stop there. A local bakery sold solidarity cookies saying, shop

local, protect your beaver, which is a solid message no matter the legal

landscape.

And a t-shirt company sold these excellent t-shirts to raise money for

the mini-mart and its legal fund, which has also been heavily supported by this

GoFundMe. The point here is, people in Beaver Creek are not letting this go.

It's really got Beaver Creek in an uproar right now. So many people are

upset.

What's next?

What's next? Beaver Creek was here before they were. How dare they? Their

beaver doesn't even look like a beaver. They should be sued by Alvin and the

Chipmunks, because that's what it looks like.

Oh, shots fucking fired!

By the way, she's right about that.

Fucking does look a lot like Alvin. Alvin wears a red hat, his accent color

is yellow, and they both look like they lost their virginities with Justin

Bieber song.

Now, admittedly, the face in the Bucky's logo is a little lumpier, but if the

lead singer of the Chipmunks ever got Macaulay Culkin in my girls, he'd be a

dead ringer, literally a dead ringer. You can't bury him without his glasses.

But look, I've got to say, I just love how protective of the mini-mart the

local community is. This is a genuine question.

Can a town be president?

Because I truly haven't been dis-inspired by a town since one in

Connecticut literally named a shit factory after me. Look, it is

unbelievable.

How badly Bucky is bucking this up. Instead of just dropping their bullshit

lawsuits in the wake of our peace, something that would have generated them

a tremendous amount of goodwill, they've tripled down by going after yet another

small business. And in the process, they've managed to mobilise the most

passionate and dedicated community of Beaver fans on planet Earth. And look,

you can and should go buy some of Beaver Creek merch. It's all excellent, and for

what it's worth, you can still buy our buck-off merchandise at buck-off.com.

Interestingly... We were actually planning on closing that store down on

September the 8th, but as long as Bucky's is suing that mini Martin Beaver

Creek, it is staying fucking open.

And if anyone at Bucky's corporate headquarters is watching this right now,

I've actually got someone who'd like to say hi to you. It's Mr. Nutter Butter.

Mr. Nutterbutter, great to see you. What a fantastic T-shirt you've got. How are

you doing? Have you got a message for Bucky's right now?

I sure do.

Y'all can go buck yourselves.

Yeah.

Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on. You seem a bit sad, Mr. Nutterbutter. Are you

disappointed because Bucky's hasn't sued us yet?

Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry about that. Is that because you wanted them to sue us and

then lose and then we'd get to film a big musical number in Times Square where

we tell them to eat shit and then later they die?

Yeah. Yeah.

Me too, buddy. But don't worry, it could still happen, especially because our

store is still open. You can buy Buck Off merchandise at buck-off.com. That is

our show.

Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you next week. Good night.

We did it, buddy.

We did it.

Let's...

So welcome.