Original subtitles

t.me/@Abolix Oh, the fine print they put in an actor's contract these days!

Well, be that as it may, I'm Tony Randall

and I'm appearing in this motion picture

with a fascinating and beautiful performer,

a talented and gorgeous star with a fabulous figure.

I beg your pardon.

There, I think you'll agree

that her figure is somewhat more interesting than mine.

That is, if you're interested in that sort of thing.

Well, we also have several other fine performers aboard,

all of whom are appearing in this delightful motion picture entitled...

Erm... the title of this delightful motion picture is...

"The Girl Can't Help It". No, we made that. Hm.

Well, anyway,

this picture is about advertising agencies and television commercials

and it is called...

Gertrude, Crestview 5-412.

Oh. No, well, anyway...

Anyway, the picture takes place in New York City, New York,

and the name of it is...

"Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?"

Our slip-easy, pop-up, finger-touch ice trays.

No matter how many lushes you know,

with the slip-easy, pop-up, finger-touch ice trays,

you have enough ice cubes for all.

Shelton's Beer is brewed crystal clear

from the streams deep in the forest swamps.

You'll be way ahead with Shelton's Beer.

There is no head on Shelton's Beer. No foam, just beer.

Pour yourself a full glass of that heavenly brewed,

clear swamp water, Shelton's Beer.

Do you want to say goodbye to dull, drab hair?

Then use Très Chic.

After drying, just run your comb...

...gently through your hair.

You'll see the magic, the miracle of Très Chic.

You'll see what Très Chic can do to your hair.

You have just seen the Handy Dandy Dandy electric shaver

gently shave the fungus off an overripe peach.

Now watch the job it does for my stubble.

Nothing but nothing stops the Handy Dandy Dandy.

It will leave you clean-shaven in a jiffy.

Now use the Handy Dandy Dandy.

Each little Crunchy contains energy,

contains pep for your growing youngsters, builds strong legs,

so when they're older,

they can stand the long waits in the unemployment lines.

Listen to the energy.

It snaps, it crunches.

Remember, that's Crunchy Crispies.

Oh, hello. I'm Jolly Jess.

Ah, by the way, do you like nuts?

Well, if you do, don't say nuts, say Frank's Vacuum-Packed Peanut Butter.

Ha-ha! It's great. Uh-huh.

The... the peanuts in Frank's Vacuum-Packed...

Wow contains fallout, the exclusive patented ingredient.

Wow is gentle to your hands.

It may be a little rough on your fingernails,

but with a clean kitchen you won't have to scratch yourself.

Wow! Wow is the wowest!

Rambunctious Rupert is open day and night.

Rambunctious Rupert has the bargains.

Take the car away and drive it off the lot.

No money down, no collateral.

Just leave your wife with Rambunctious Rupert.

If you're like me, with six dirty children and a big, filthy husband,

then you can imagine how important an Easy Clean washing machine can be.

It not only Easy Cleans those dirty, filthy clothes,

but it's so gentle on each garment,

so gentle that it makes wash day...

a day to remember.

You won't forget wash day,

if you use the Easy Clean washing machine.

'This is me again, Rockwell P Hunter,

'and that's Madison Avenue away down there.

'That's my street, my street of Grey flannel dreams.

'I'm employed on Madison Avenue in an advertising agency,

'way up here in the offices of LaSalle Jr, Raskin, Pooley & Crocket,

'or, as we say, LSJ, RP & C.

'I'm a writer, an author of TV commercials.

'This is my office,

'and that's a photograph of my niece, April Hunter.

'April is a teenager, and she lives with me.

'That's my secretary Jenny Wells.

'Jenny is not a teenager and doesn't live with me.

'But she will, when I can afford it.

'Jenny and I fell in love one night last year,

'that wonderful night we were supposed to be working overtime.

'That's my immediate superior Henry Rufus,

'a vice president of LSJ, RP & C,

'and the account executive of Stay-Put Lipstick, our most important client.

'Rufe is a big success. He has a key to the executive washroom.

'But the largest success of all is Junior, Mr LaSalle Junior.

'He's the President of LaSalle Jr, Raskin, Pooley & Crocket.

'He has his own private washroom.

'He's been written up in "Fortune", profiled in "The New Yorker",

'had his picture on the cover of "Time",

'and he is a personal friend of Elsa Maxwell.'

Good morning, Mr LaSalle.

Yes, Mr Rufus, I called. He's on his way.

Hi, Gladys. Mr Rufus wanted to see me?

Go in, Mr Hunter. But watch out.

He's probably on his fourth tranquilliser by now.

Hi, Rufe.

Must be your fifth tranquilliser by now.

Gladys also tell you I drank my lunch?

She forgets I eat the olives.

That's where the nourishment is.

Gladys talks too much. I ought to get rid of her,

but she has it on me ever since I got juiced up at that Christmas party

and made a couple of passes at her IBM machine.

I finished the new animated cartoon commercial, Rufe. I think you'll like it.

It's to be sung by three chickens to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm".

It goes like this.

♪ Stay-Put Lipstick stays put-put Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay...

No, that's Yankee Doodle.

Hm.

♪ Old MacDonald had a...

♪ Stay-Put Lipstick stays put-put Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put

♪ If on your lips you'll only put Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put

♪ You'll kiss-kiss here, you'll kiss-kiss there, here, there, everywhere...

♪ Stay-Put Lipstick stays put-put Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put ♪

You have to imagine it sung by three chickens, Rufe.

Singing commercials are dead, Rocky boy.

The surveys show the jingles become hits but the product doesn't sell.

Rocky, I've got some bad news.

- Bad news? - Concerns both of us.

- Better have a bracer. - I can take it straight.

So can I.

This is all gin.

Well, it seems the Stay-Put account may pull out.

This whole joint may foldy.

You and I are slated for the chute.

Well, that's how the ball bounces.

Wow.

Oh, boy.

Gee, I was counting on a raise pretty soon.

Be my guest.

Numby-wumby's on the house.

What's the matter, Rocky boy? No kopecks put aside?

No, not a kopeck. Takes a lot of money to raise a teenager properly, you know.

I know.

My Evelyn, she was a perfectly normal juvenile delinquent

until she got a breakdown.

Rock and roll got to her. Now I take her to the analyst three times a week.

The bills! The man must be building a monument to Freud.

But, er... that's the way the banana splits.

Don't worry, laddie, we'll get otherjobbies.

I will anyway. I've got no talent.

Be tougher for you, but you'll probably get your old job back.

On the fan magazine?

You did some good writing there, boy.

Mostly I just edited the Fan News column.

The only big star I ever got to interview was...

er... Bobo Brannigansky the TV Jungle Man.

It was a pretty good article, though.

I called it, "How Bobo overcame jungle rot." It was well received for what it was.

Well, that's what I mean. You can write. You can always write TV scripts.

You know, expand the one-line joke into the hour-and-a-half spectacular.

Time for another conference. Rocky, remember to keep this hushied.

Junior doesn't want this bruted about,

but I can't let an old Harvard classmate get pink-slipped without notice.

- Thanks an awful lot, Rufe. - Oh.

- I'll be in Junior's office. - Yes, dear. Er... sir.

We need a big idea and fasty, Rocky.

Let me know in the a.m. We're having a final showdown with the client.

There's a chance to save the account?

I've got a couple of campaign ideas

but if you can come up with the right slant, your problem can be solvy, solvy.

It can mean a vice presidency for you.

Excuse me.

'And until next week we say goodbye to Bobo Brannigansky,

'your friendly jungle man and star of the first adult monkey series

'brought to you by Flake-Off, the friendly skin peel.

'And now for the news.

'We take you first to Hollywood,

'where movie fans are agog over the recent movements of Rita Marlowe.

'Mystery surrounds the departure of the cinema queen from the cinema capital.'

'Mystery? I'm just going to New York with my secretary to rest in seclusion.

- 'Ooh! Seclusion? Is that right?' - 'That's right, you want to be alone.'

'Seclusion sounds so dirty.'

'Well, it isn't.'

'So that's it, I just want to be alone.

'So what's the mystery? I'm just a perfectly normal American girl.

'Ooh!'

This is your opportunity to make Junior sit up and take notice of you.

I'd like to get a great idea and go by him in the hall

and give him a taste of that Grey flannel sneer.

- Come on. - I'll never be a success.

And remember, if you don't get an idea, you're still a big success with me.

Am I? Hm?

Darling, please. April may come out and see us.

It's all right. You're gonna be her aunt some day soon.

You're not treating me like an aunt.

Well, I don't feel exactly like an uncle.

All right, but easy. My insurance doesn't cover hallways.

♪ Stay-Put, Stay-Put!

♪ Stay-Put! ♪

Ugh. I've lost my touch.

I'm cracking.

I miss 'em already, all those little Hollywood incinerators puffing away,

making that nice black smog that covers up the freeway accidents.

I'm sorry, Vi, I just had to get away.

If you wanted seclusion, I could've drained the swimming pool.

Why the rush to New York?

So I can form my own production company.

- Do you expect me to believe that? - Oh, all right.

I wanted to get away from Bobo. I'll show him he can't walk out on me.

Bobo didn't walk out on you.

He just left the table at Mocambo to make a phone call

and was too loaded to find his way back.

Well, he wasn't too loaded to turn up at Ciro's with another bleached blonde.

Another blonde. After all I did for him! What was Bobo when I met him?

A Cucamonga grape-picker. Even his feet were blue.

I remember. You thought he never took his socks off.

And do you remember who introduced him to the right people?

Who gave party after party for him? Who built him into the star he is today?

Shh. Do you want everyone to know you can't hold a man?

You're Hollywood's femme fatale. No man walks out on you. Even if they do.

Oh! We're here.

Miss Marlowe!

OK, honey, breakfast is ready.

April?

April, do you hear me?

'Now our special events camera takes you to Idlewild Airport.'

April, where are you?

'Here I am! Here I am!'

- Where? - 'Down here, Miss Marlowe!

'April Hunter, President of the East 73rd Street chapter of your fan club!'

- April! - 'May I have your autograph?'

'What's new on your romance with Bobo, Rita?'

'I have no romance. All my lovers and I are just friends.'

- 'Where are you staying in New York?' - 'Seclusion. She's incorporating herself.'

'Don't talk dirty on TV. It's a family medium.

- 'Thank you, President Huntley.' - Hunter.

'Hunter. I've seen all your pictures, Miss Marlowe!

'And I'm going again to see "The Girl Can't Help It"!'

'Courageous youngster.'

Information, may I have the number of Idlewild Airport, please?

Bye, Miss Marlowe.

- Thanks for the autograph. - Oh, you're welcome. Bye!

Bye!

'April Hunter wanted at the TWA Information Counter, please.

'April Hunter wanted at the TWA Information Counter, please.'

I'm April Hunter.

- Thank you. Hello? - Hello.

Uncle Rockwell? How did you know I was here?

I was on TV? How did I look?

Like six months of no allowance.

Uncle Rockwell, I had to see her.

And you know what? She's hiding out in seclusion.

I heard her give the address to the chauffeur.

I don't care about the address! You go to school!

OK, Uncle Rockwell. Bye.

'And that was the arrival of Rita Marlowe, Hollywood's goddess of love,

'the girl with those oh-so-kissable lips,

'soon to be seen with Cary Grant in "Kiss Them For Me".

'Now for our early-morning wake-up show,

'sponsored by the Last Chance Mortuary.'

- Rock? - I'm in here, honey, in April's bedroom.

How did you do last night?

- What are you doing? - Did I get an idea!

- I got Rita Marlowe. - Rita Marlowe?

I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

We get Rita Marlowe to endorse Stay-Put Lipstick. It'll sell like crazy.

When I was editing the fan news column,

all the fans wanted to know anything about was Rita Marlowe.

I ask you, what is Rita Marlowe famous for?

Next question?

Stop that! No, she's famous as the girl with the oh-so-kissable lips.

You've seen that in all her publicity.

We're in. I'm gonna rough out a couple of layouts. You'd better go ahead.

I'll see you later.

As you know,

this agency had the foresight to pioneer the singing commercial

and in so doing raise the level of musical culture in the American home.

Now we must embark on another far-sighted, long-range vision.

Gentlemen, I suggest we sell the Stay-Put Corporation

on putting out a new line of lipsticks in all popular flavours.

Scotch, Bourbon, gin. I can see the ads.

"Stay-Put Vodka for the girl who leaves you breathless.

"Stay-Put Martini for that after-five romance.

- "Stay-Put Manischewitz for that..." - Haven't you another vision, Mr Rufus?

Perhaps not so long-ranged?

Well, yes, LS, I do. Ha!

This idea is to start kids using Stay-Put at an early age.

You see, gentlemen, as a parent, I know from experience

that all teenagers are kiss-happy.

- My Evelyn, for instance... - To the point, Mr Rufus, to the point.

Well, I propose that Stay-Put sponsor a teenage kissing contest.

Hold semi-finals across the country.

Fly the best smoochers to New York for the finals. Make it a color spectacular.

Get Lawrence Welk to do the music.

We have the kids kiss their way to the first plateau

and then put them in the osculation booth!

Mr Rufus.

Do you realise that Mr Ezzarus, President of the Stay-Put Corporation,

- will be coming through that door... - Rufe! I've got to see you!

Rufe! Rufe! I want to see you.

- I told him you were not to be disturbed. - Listen, Rufe...

- Will you get out? - Get out? But...

- You better go. - You haven't seen this.

Better go, Rocky. I'll see you later.

I've got a job at stake here, Rufe.

Listen, Mr LaSalle, I was up all night trying to come up with something

to keep you from losing the Stay-Put account,

and I think I've got it.

It's really a natural, Mr LaSalle.

Losing the Stay-Put account? Where did you hear that?

The meeting is adjourned, gentlemen, with the exception of Mr Rufus.

- Please look at this, Mr LaSalle. - Let it go, Rocky.

Don't make any more trouble.

I'm not making trouble. I'm trying to get us out of trouble.

I beat my brains out last night, Mr LaSalle, and on my own time.

It didn't cost you a single kopeck. The least you can do...

Stop by the cashier on your way out.

And I'd like to see you in 15 minutes.

You know, Mr LaSalle, for years I looked up to you.

I hoped you'd notice me.

You were my idol. I regarded you as a big man. But you're not a big man.

You're just a little poop of a man, and that's the way the poop poops.

So long, Junior!

Excuse me! I'm sorry. Are you all right, sir?

No harm done.

What happened, honey?

- What happened? - I got bounced!

And that's how the ball bounces.

- Junior didn't like the idea? - The poop didn't even look at it!

- The poop! - Oh, the poop!

Vice presidency! Success! Oh, boy, oh, boy!

I told you, honey, you're wasting your time. I'll never be anything!

Now, darling, don't talk like that.

- Well, it's true. You see these pipes? - Why don't you smoke one and relax?

You didn't know I had these pipes hidden away in my bottom drawer.

- No, but what does it matter? - What does it matter?

I'll tell you what it matters.

I bought these pipes before you came with me. I decided on a pipe.

This was after Sincere Ties got that insincere look

but before Brooks Brothers' Grey flannel took over.

Now, I thought a pipe would give me a successful Gregory Peck look.

Gregory Peck? Darling, you're not making any sense.

You know something? You're right. I couldn't even keep the darn thing lit.

You know, I met a psychiatrist at a party once.

And he told me that my pipe-smoking revealed my psychic tensions.

Half of me wanted success, while the other half wanted failure.

So I couldn't make up my mind whether to inhale or exhale.

That's why my pipe would go out. And he was right.

I couldn't keep my pipe lit, and now I'm out.

When you've finished this afternoon, I'll be waiting for you around the corner.

Around the corner? Rock, darling! Please! Now, don't drink too much.

No, not too much. Just enough.

- Are you sure he's here? - He must be at the usual table.

♪ Rita Marlowe stays put-put-put...

- He must have left. Come on, Jenny. - No. No, I think I hear him.

- ♪ Put, put, put, put, put, put... - Oh, Rock.

Don't nag him. He's a genius. Besides, the acoustics are better down there.

- ♪ Put-put... - Help me get the genius out.

- Here we go. - ♪ Put, put, put, put...

- Keep quiet, genius. - There you go, now.

♪ Junior is a big success...

Mr Rufus said the man you bumped into is Mr Ezzarus, President of Stay-Put.

He saw your layouts and loved the idea of using Rita Marlowe.

He told Junior that if he could deliver Rita Marlowe,

the Stay-Put account could stay put with the agency.

Mr Rufus said that Junior's been trying to locate Miss Marlowe all day.

He can't find her. She's hiding out.

Even the Pinkertons he's hired can't find her.

Mr Rufus said that if you know where she is,

you'll get two vice presidencies and maybe even a raise.

- Do you hear me, Rock? - Hm.

April. My little Pinkerton.

Oh.

April? April?

April?

Rock?

"Dear Uncle Rockwell, gone to the movies."

"Your dinner's in the oven. Love, April."

You help yourself, honey. I'll get that endorsement.

If what's left of my head holds out.

- April! - What are you doing here?

Listen.

This morning, you told me you knew where Rita Marlowe was hiding out.

- But that's a secret. - Tell me, honey.

Because it could mean a vice presidency for me.

Vice president? Uncle Rockwell, you've been drinking again.

Here, you eat some popcorn.

I'm OK, honey. You just tell me what Rita's address is.

Did you say something about my allowance this morning?

I said it was doubled.

- I think the address is... - All right, tripled.

No, it must be...

Oh, come on, Ape! Name your own figure.

- She's at the Knickerbocker Towers. - Bandit.

Three bags of popcorn.

If you'd just close your big mouth and let me slip a word in sideways,

I'd explain it to you.

I know you're busy shooting retakes, Bobo sweetie,

but I simply had to call you and tell you that I couldn't care less,

that it's simply divoon being away from you.

Easy! Not so hard.

What?

What do you mean, who's here?

Oh, well, of course it isn't Vi.

Hm, silly.

Why do you suppose I came to New York?

He's burning. Vi, talk like a man.

- What for? - So Bobo'll think there's a man here!

I may look like a man but I don't sound like one.

He's a very influential New Yorker.

Right now he's completely engrossed unpopping the champagne.

Vi, if that's the bellboy, bring him in.

Ooh! I'll have him talk to Bobo!

How do you do? I'm Rockwell Hunter.

- Come in, Rockwell. - Thank you.

Uh... I came to see Miss Marlowe.

We hardly want overheated champagne.

It's room temperature now but the room temperature's changing.

If you get my cruder meaning.

Him? Why, he's not even a bellboy.

Never mind the uniforms. You just want the voice. Speak, boy.

Uh... Miss Marlowe? I'm Rockwell Hunter.

Rockwell Hunter? Oh, his name sounds very influential.

His name only so happens to be Rockwell Hunter.

- What do you do? - Hm?

I work for LaSalle Junior, Raskin, uh... uh, Poo... Pooley & Crocket.

- The advertising agency? - All those names. How crazy influential!

He's only the great big influential advertising man, that's all he is.

- What do you do there? - Hm? Erm... I write TV commercials.

TV commercials? Oh, no, no.

Oh, I could never go for a guy who did that. Could I?

Only kind you've missed.

Better think of something else.

What? Yes, I told you, sweetie.

He's Rock Huntley of LaSalt, Ratskin, Dooley & Crumpet.

What's a betterjob at that crazy place?

Well, Vice President is considerably better.

Never mention vice.

You see, those confidence magazines always get on your back.

I know. You're President.

He's only the President of the agency, sweetie.

Miss Marlowe, I'm not President. I just write TV commercials.

Oh, Rock Huntington! Oh!

I know I'm oh-so-kissable,

but why don't you pour the champagne first, lover doll?

It's, er... Hunter and not Huntingdon.

Shh. How can I remember?

I'm all excited because you're loving me up.

Ooh. Mm, mm.

The lover doll did it. He's winging.

So am I. I'll be back. I'm going for a little bit more steam.

I think my head still needs reblocking.

No, no, no, you can't leave. Wait a minute, stay here.

You've got to say something so he knows that I have a man in here.

Come on, come on. Please. I'll do you a favour some time.

Well, as a matter of fact, uh...

I did want to talk to you about getting your endorsement...

Now, don't start talking dirty. You can always tell a writer.

Go on. Her word's good, for an actress.

Hm.

Hello there, sweetie.

This is Rockwell P Hunter, lover doll and also President of LSJ, R, P & C.

Spencer Tracy couldn't have done it better.

Thank you very much, Miss Marlowe.

Oh, you're the end, Dolly. Go ahead, tell him we're in business together.

- Business? - Pour it on.

It's crazy.

Yes, sweetie,

I'm also President of Rita Marlowe Productions.

- Incorporated Limited, sweetie. - Ooh! That'll just kill him.

But don't leave me out. I have to be important in my own incorporated.

Hm, sorry. I seem to have omitted your screen credit.

Lingo of the trade.

Yes, sweetie, I'm President of Rita Marlowe Productions Incorporated

but Miss Marlowe is the titular head of the company.

Mm-mm.

You're hurting me.

Oh, mm.

'But the big news today is from Hollywood

'and the report that TV star Bobo Brannigansky, the Jungle Man,

'and Rita Marlowe, cinema queen, have broken up.

'Bobo, interviewed in a Hollywood jungle

'after a long-distance conversation with Rita,

'had this to say to our Hollywood reporter Dick Whittinghill.'

'This is Dick Whittinghill in Hollywood.

'We're in a television jungle

'and we're going to interview Bobo Brannigansky, the Jungle Man.'

- 'Bobo?' - 'Yes?'

'Bobo, what did Rita tell you about her new boyfriend?'

'Well, she calls him her lover doll. I don't mind that.

'But, you see, if she'd fallen for royalty,

'a duke or an earl,

'even a prince, it wouldn't have been so bad.

'But a huckster? I get cold sweats thinking about it.

'My makeup won't stay on. Even my hairpiece is coming loose.'

- 'So Rita told you who Lover Doll is?' - 'Yeah.

'President of one of those advertising places with all the names,

'like they can't make up their minds.

'Name's Hunter. Ha-ha! Rockwell Hunter.'

Uncle Rockwell and Rita Marlowe?

Oh, no. Got to be another Rockwell Hunter.

Bye-bye, Evelyn. Be a good girl at the psychiatrist's.

Daddy, I just turned on the car radio. Rita Marlowe's in love with Rock Hunter!

Wait, dear, I'll go with you.

'According to Bobo Brannigansky,

'Rita Marlowe's new flame is the advertising executive Rockwell Hunter,

'President of LaSalle Junior, Raskin, Pooley & Crocket.'

'I'm not worried by Rita and Lover Doll. You just watch.

'Rita will come crawling back to me on her hands and knees.

'Well, back to retakes.'

'Thank you, Bobo Brannigansky.'

'So long, folks.'

On my hands and knees! Did you hear that? The ingrate!

It's your own fault. You spoil all those creeps you pick up.

I picked him up, I can pick him down.

Where are you going?

When I get through with him, his hair will be so loose,

he'll be in the road company of "The King And I".

Where is Dolly Doll?

Shh, Uncle Rockwell's still asleep. He must have come in late last night.

Ha-ha! I know. And we're on the gravy choo-choo, chickie.

Your unkie and Rita Marlowe are an item.

- You mean what I heard on TV...? - It's front page except for "The Times".

Yesterday an autograph. Today an aunt.

Now do you believe me? You are the biggest thing since chlorophyll.

- What do they want out there? - Rita Marlowe's new heartbeat.

Heartbeat?

I don't have a decent corpuscle left.

Hello? Oh, yes, Miss Parsons. Ah, just a minute.

It's Louella. She wants the exclusive on your marriage plans.

Jenny's my exclusive.

Miss Marlowe hasn't set the datey date, but you'll be the first to know, Lolly.

Jenny. What's she gonna think when she reads all this nonsense?

She will understand. Now, what really happened, hm?

Nothing. Rita just used me to make herjungle man jealous.

That's all there was to it.

I went along with it to get the endorsement.

Hello? Oh, hiya, Earl. Earl Wilson.

I'll ask him. He wants to know Rita's measurements.

- How would I know? - He doesn't know, it was dark.

OK, Earl, he'll appreciate that. He's sending you a tape measure.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in school!

And have my future aunt come to a dirty house?

She's not your future aunt. Watch yourself! Your future aunt lives upstairs.

Uncle Rockwell, it's biology. Don't fight it.

You get rolling and you go to school!

My own niece is cracking.

- Did you get the endorsement? - No, but she promised.

I left there, I came home, I had a couple of nightcaps and I went to bed.

And woke up to find you had Rita Marlowe in the palm of your hand.

Palm of my hand! You haven't seen Rita Marlowe.

Don't be shy, laddie, let success go to your head.

Success? How am I a success?

A TVjungle man shoots off his mouth under a prop banyan tree

and I'm a success?

I'm the same failure I've always been. I don't have the talent to keep my pipe lit.

We're not talking about talent!

If talent had anything to do with success,

Brooks Brothers would go out of business.

Television studios would be turned into supermarkets.

We are talking about success,

a world where fancy foreign cars replace subways and bus transfers.

Where all women are beautiful and willing.

A world created, designed and running like a charm

for those few who've scaled the heights,

broken through the soundy barrier, by whatever fashion,

but invariably by being at the right place at the right time,

when success, like a crock of cherries,

comes crashing down on the head of fortune's child, as it did on yours.

There she was, an actress fresh from the shores of Romanoff's.

There were you, with a hangover, fresh from the steam baths,

standing on the threshold, the veritable threshold of success.

I rest my case, and may it be Napoleon Brandy.

Now what?

Well, it's a good thing April cleaned the house.

Oh, no.

There's that fancy foreign car. And does she look willing!

Ooh!

Oh, look at this.

I got to go upstairs to Jenny.

Wait, you can tell her later. She'll understand.

She just hit me with her prize geranium.

I'll explain everything to her. What's Rita saying?

- Turn on the TV. - Which station?

Any station! It's like when the President speaks.

'Oh, yes.

'You might say that with me and Lover Doll it was love at first sight.'

Love at first sight?

She's a nut! This whole thing could be happening to an unknown bellboy.

Well, it's happening to you. Listen.

'Doll just looked at me and suddenly my heart went pop.

'Ooh! You know, like a girdle does when you walk fast.

'Except I wouldn't know because I never wear one.'

- You girdle popper, you. - Oh, she's lying, she's lying.

She was under a sheet when I first saw her.

'Bobo was all right,

'except he always had the smell of his leading ladies on him.

'They're monkeys, you know.

'So naturally I became interested in the intellectual type

'who uses that crazy soap.

'Oh! Ooh!'

- She's coming up here. - Now you can get her endorsement.

You get her endorsement. I'm going upstairs to Jenny.

Girdle pops! Lover Doll! Crazy soap! She's made an idiot out of me.

Great, the perfect qualification. You'll end up President of the agency.

I'm so excited, I don't know which dress to wear.

Oh, Uncle Rockwell! You must be loaded with biology.

I'm loaded with dirt.

You think of that kid's face if you blow this deal.

I'm thinking of those other geraniums.

Get the endorsement, you can afford orange blossoms.

Let Junior get his signature! He's too big a man to even notice me!

Now all of a sudden...

Hello? Good morning, LS.

Junior.

Yes, LS, he's right here.

Junior?

Mr LaSalle Junior calling me?

Tell Junior to call later. I'm busy.

I can't. He knows you're here.

Rufus, if you're going to be a success, be a success.

Success, here I come.

Ooh! Good morning, darling.

Hiya, baby.

He's busy, LS.

Really busy.

She wears a girdle.

Hey, Lover Doll!

I'm terribly confused, Miss Marlowe.

Well, there's nothing to be confused about. It's all very simple.

Simple? I don't even know where I am or what I'm doing or where we're going.

All right, I'll explain.

Point one. You want me to sign your crazy lipstick thing, don't you?

Yes. That's how this whole thing started.

All right. Point two.

I didn't expect Bobo to shoot off his mouth to the reporters like he did.

But it did make us headlines all over the country,

and that kind of publicity you can't even buy.

Why, the studio even called me and told me to keep it up.

It's good for my next picture, a Russian drama about two Russian brothers.

The studio's worried about my acting in it,

so they figured the publicity would do me and the picture some good.

So you'll get your endorsement, then everybody'll be happy. Simple. Ooh!

Then you will sign the endorsement, Miss Marlowe?

Well, of course. Any time you say.

Oh!

- Well, is it a deal? - Oh, it's a deal.

I told you it was simple.

You do something for me, I do something for you.

She agreed? Great, I'll draw up the contract.

I knew you'd come through, boy. A Harvard man never fails.

- How much did you agree to pay her? - We didn't talk money.

She just agreed to do this for me and I'd do something for her.

What? No, she didn't mean that. What kind of mind have you got?

No, Rufe, that isn't the way the banana splits.

She just meant that she'd scratch my back if I'd scratch hers.

We certainly appreciate what you're doing for the agency.

Oh, forget it. Now all we have to do is to make you into a great lover.

Great what?

At least you're going to have to look like a great lover so I'll look good.

Would I pick on someone who wasn't the greatest? Ooh!

Oh, I wouldn't think so, not with those measurements, but you did.

Don't sell yourself short, Dolly. You know your way around a kiss.

I'm sorry about that. I don't know why it happened.

Everything was happening so fast, I... Something snapped.

Something snapped? You snapped, and you're not a bad snapper, Dolly.

I know.

I've probably been snapped at more than any girl in history,

except that communist queen.

- Catherine the Great? - Yes, yes, her.

Well, she wasn't a communist. She was a tzarina.

I don't care what was wrong with her.

She never had some dopey director making her retake her kissing scenes.

At the end of a day's work at the studio, I don't have a decent pucker left.

All I can do at night is sit home and watch my old movies on television.

So when it comes to kissing, I know.

Hmm-mm. But you're not so bad, Snapper.

Well, thank you very much, Miss Marlowe.

Probably your first time in the big leagues too, hm?

Yes, I guess up to now I've just been a bush leaguer.

OK, here we are.

- Ooh! - Hey! This is a justice of the peace!

I know!

Wait a minute! People get married in here.

- Endorsement or no endorsement... - Don't be silly.

In my racket you get married and your fan mail takes a dive.

- Unless you're Debbie and Eddie. - I warn you, I can't sing.

Don't look, but there are photographers stashed all around the place.

What for?

The studio publicity department got them here. It's all fixed.

You're going to look great in the newspapers.

This is the first part of your Lover Doll build-up!

- Ooh! - Lover Doll!

♪ 'Ooh, la-la! Lovair Doll! Poupee, poupee, poup!' ♪

'Hoi!

- 'Hoi!' - 'Lover Doll!'

No, she's taking a bath. OK, Muscles, I'll tell her.

Bye!

I've got to give it to you, honey, those headlines did it.

Bobo says he's awfully sorry, that blonde didn't mean a thing.

In fact, she was a brunette. When do we leave?

Leave? And walk out on all this publicity? Ooh.

Publicity? You can get all of that you want in Hollywood.

Oh, hold the phone. This is Vi you're talking to.

Don't tell me you've gone and flipped for Rock.

Well, I'll be a writer's sub-plot. You have.

Vi, I know it all started out to be a stunt to burn Bobo,

but Rocky kissed me and then...

Ooh! Something happened.

Ooh!

Honest! It was just like electricity.

I know, that wonderful AC/DC feeling. But that is not love.

Oh, it's close enough.

Now, you listen to me.

You've got to stop going overboard for every man who makes you tingle.

First there was that English actor who wore the sunglass monocle,

and then the Academy Award winner who had you polishing his Oscar.

Can't think of the others. And there was Bobo and then Rocky.

And all because you can't forget George Schmidlapp.

What you need is a psychiatrist or a do-it-yourself couch.

I told you never to mention George Schmidlapp.

I've been quiet long enough. His name is George Schmidlapp.

He's the actor who awarded you first prize

in the Miss Florida Grapefruit contest

and he's the one you can't forget.

So why do you pick up these schnooks,

always trying to turn them into unreasonable facsimiles of George?

Don't you realise you can never fall in love again like you did with George?

You don't know what you're talking about. What do you know about love?

What do I know about love?

Well, this may come as a shock but I was young and pretty once, like you,

and equipped with just as many extras.

And I was nuts about a guy.

I was working for a silent screen actress then,

and this guy I was nuts about was our milkman.

I'd get a throatful of heart every a.m.

when he'd drive up to our back door on Copa DE Ora in Bel Air,

the sound of the milk bottles rattling and little cream bottles jiggling.

Boy, it was something.

But he couldn't see me for dust. It was stardust he saw.

He had the pains for the gal I was working for

and she must have liked his brand of cream, because they got married

and he became the producer of all her pictures till the talkies came in.

She couldn't speak English, being from Texas.

So the first talkie was a flop and he left her.

But you know something?

To this day, sometimes when I'm asleep,

I still hear those... those little milk bottles rattling and jiggling.

So, you see, honey, I know something about love.

Not much, but a little.

So if anyone asks you why I hate milk, you know.

Vi! Vi!

Vi!

Oh, Vi! Oh, Vi.

I'm awfully sorry, Vi, I didn't know.

I never told anybody before. Never.

But, you see, that makes us both alike.

We both have someone we want to forget.

I have Georgie and, well, you have the milkman.

So what's wrong with trying to find someone to help you forget?

I tried that once but it got so bad

I'd... I'd go to pieces every time I saw a bottle of half and half.

Then I went to a psychiatrist.

I was gonna do that too,

except in Hollywood they're so busy with producers,

you can't even get an appointment.

It didn't work out. The psychiatrist I went to had a couch.

But it was built for two.

Well, honey, here's luck to you.

Maybe... maybe Rocky can make you forget.

As for me, here's to forgetting the high caloric way!

- Oh... oh, Mr Hunter? - Yes, ma'am?

- Could I have your autograph? - Sure.

On my blouse?

- There you are. - Thank you, Mr Hunter.

You're welcome.

Good afternoon, Mr Hunter.

Twenty-three. Twenty-four.

Yes?

Jenny? It's me, Rock.

Just a minute.

Come in, dear.

Dear?

- Is everything all right, Jenny? - Yes, of course.

Mr Rufus explained everything.

I'm sorry I behaved so badly.

- Ah... - Ha-ha.

You do understand that's the only way I could get Rita's endorsement?

Of course.

Naturally, when I first heard the news,

my first reaction was completely feminine.

I was hurt, jealous. Impulsively, I wanted to return your ring.

Oh, Jenny, you wouldn't do that?

No, after some deliberation I decided not to.

Ah, good.

I reached the conclusion that, after all, you are a very attractive man.

Well, no, I wouldn't say that.

- You are, dear. - Thank you.

And that actress is a very glamorous woman.

It would be natural that you could become attracted to her.

But I'm not attracted to her. The whole thing's publicity.

I'm going over there now to get her signature on her contract.

Nevertheless, the situation made me take stock of myself,

evaluate my assets and liabilities.

Honey, I love your assets and liabilities.

- Please, Rock, let me finish. - Sorry.

I realise now that when I went to college

I made a great mistake just developing my mind.

A woman must compete for her man and she should stay on her toes.

To start at the top, would you like me to change the color of my hair?

No! I love your hairjust as it is.

- I can get it the same color as hers. - No!

- I can go to the same drugstore. - Keep your hairjust the way it is.

- I just want you to be satisfied. - Baby, I'm satisfied with you.

Not my figure. You can't be satisfied with that.

Of course, that will take time.

But if you're going to invest two dollars in a marriage license,

you should get your money's worth.

Twenty five.

- Jenny, what are you doing? - Push-ups.

Jenny, listen to me. I love you.

- You'll love me more. 28. - I couldn't love you any more than I do!

Sure you will. There'll be more of me. 29.

Thirty.

Thirty-one.

Beat it, kids. Lover Doll isn't here. On your way.

- He's got to be upstairs with Rita. - No, he's not.

- Have you seen Lover Doll in person? - Lover Doll's not here.

- Have you seen Lover Doll in person? - Boy, he must be something!

- Lover Doll isn't here. - There he is! Lover Doll!

- Lover Doll! - Lover Doll!

- Lover Doll! - Oh, you man, you!

- Where did he go? - Who are you looking for?

- Lover Doll. - Lover Doll?

- Lover Doll? Is Lover Doll around here? - We didn't see him.

Lover Doll? Hey, who's that?

It's him! It's Lover Doll!

Oh, Lover Doll! Lover Doll!

Lover Doll! Lover Doll!

Lover Doll!

Oh!

Did you ever in your life see anything like this?

It seems years ago it was only yesterday, only yesterday,

I was an ordinary guy wearing a cheap Grey flannel suit.

Today... today I'm mobbed.

Today a piece of my lapel, a piece of shirt-tail

a shoe that needs half-soling, these things are collector's items.

And yet you laugh. You know, these kids are insane.

I don't have sideburns.

Would you believe it? Before I came over here, Bennett Cerf called me up.

Wants to do a book on me entitled "Always Leave Them Loving".

A king-size bed manufacturer

wants me to endorse his king-size special.

"It takes the guesswork out of sleeping."

Ed Murrow wants to "Person to Person" me.

A Hollywood producer wants me to remake "Love Me Tender"

with me playing all the parts.

Imagine me as Debra Paget!

I'm in a crazy world all because I...

You were at the right door at the wrong time. Sit down, Rocky.

- What you need is a drink. - And how.

- Maybe two drinks. What'll it be? - Something simple.

- A... a bottle and a straw. - You'll get used to being a celebrity.

I've been secretary, companion, confidante,

and chief bottle snatcher to glamour queens since the nickelodeon days.

Fame hits hard at first but you'll get so you'll love it.

Or wind up at Menninger's.

Believe it or not, Rocky, you'll miss it when it ends.

No, not me. This is strictly a business deal. What's taking her so long?

She's getting dressed. What's your hurry?

I have to get home,

before a friend of mine wears herself out or ends up with short arms.

Ooh!

Good evening, Rockwell.

Evening, Miss Marlowe.

Please forgive my appearance. I ran into the future mothers of America.

Oh, what a shame. Vi, haven't we something for Dolly to wear?

Oh, never mind, I...

As soon as you sign the contract, I'll go home in a hearse. No one'll see me.

We have one of Bobo's suits.

We left the coast in such a hurry, we packed it with our things.

Oh, no. I interviewed Bobo once. His suit would hardly fit me.

Oh!

Oh, you see? You're catching a cold.

Um... why don't you let the baby dress in Mommy's bedroom?

Come, Rocky.

You're making the same mistake again.

You're gonna build this guy up and he's gonna leave you.

He can't. He needs that endorsement.

Go take Shamroy for a walk and stay out late. Go see a double feature.

Hm. OK. But we're not gonna see any of your pictures.

- Miss Marlowe? - Oh, yes, Lover Doll.

I'm waiting for you, Dollypoo.

- Where are you? - Oh, right here, Dolly.

- The suit is a little large. - You think so?

It's the pants mostly. The shoulders are all right.

Sit down here.

I want to show you how you have to act when we go out.

You know, I think Bobo must be a pituitary case.

Well, now, how do I have to act when we go out?

We should be a romantic couple

like Bill Holden and Jennifer Jones were in "Love Is A Many-Splendored Thing".

I saw the picture,

and I am by no stretch of the imagination Bill Holden.

But, then, where did you learn to use your lips the way you do?

I don't know. Might be hereditary.

My mother is an accomplished musician.

Tuba, trombone, bassoon, oboe. Brass and woodwinds.

Hm.

Well, now.

To be a great lover, you must start with the lady's hand. Take my hand, Dolly.

I will, as soon as I can find mine. There we are.

Hm. That's fine. That's just fine.

When you see that the photographers are ready to take our picture,

you must kiss my hand and work your way up my arm.

Up? How far up?

As far as you can go, silly.

No! No, no, no, Dolly.

When you get to my shoulder, you have to kiss me on the lips.

No, I...

I don't think I'm a lover, Miss Marlowe, great or otherwise.

We don't look good together. I'm too short. You should have a taller man.

When we stand side by side, my chin only comes to your shoulders.

Don't you worry, you're gonna be a lot taller.

I had them send a pair over this afternoon.

- A pair of what? - Oh, you'll see.

A lot of actors and small producers on the coast wear them. Ooh!

You're divoon. Oh, you're just like John Wayne.

Go ahead, try them. Walk an itty bit.

Oh, that's fine.

Ooh!

I'll get the hang of them all right...

if my nose doesn't start to bleed.

Dolly Doll, don't run away from Mama.

Dolly.

Now, Dolly, where are you going?

Jenny?

Jenny!

Oh!

Jenny!

Jenny! Jenny!

Oh, Jenny.

Oh, Jenny, darling, what have you done?

Oh, Jenny!

Operator, please get me Dr Cloes on East 74th Street.

- How is she, Doctor? - Shh. She's exhausted, Rocky.

Physically exhausted. What's she been doing to herself?

Well, she's been exercising. You know, doing push-ups.

Oh. I've had a number of cases like that lately. It's a waste of time.

I think so. Can I see her?

Well, she's asleep, but you can look in.

- Doctor, her arms, they're... - Oh, merely tightened muscles.

Reflex action brought on by the exercising.

Sort of a high charley horse.

They'll go down. She'll be all right tomorrow.

Like I said, Rocky, push-ups are a waste of time.

It's really better for women to just go to a store. You know what I mean.

I think so.

Well, good night, Doctor.

Good night. Better see your tailor.

Ladies and gentlemen, this break in our motion picture

is made out of respect for the TV fans in our audience,

who are accustomed to constant interruptions in their programmes

for messages from sponsors.

We want all you TV fans to feel at home

and not forget the thrill you get watching television on your big 21-inch screens.

I have a 21-inch screen myself, and it's loads of fun.

TV is a remarkable invention.

Where did you go?

Oh, there you are. Hi.

Uh... as I was saying, TV is a remarkable invention.

You can sit there in your easy chair with your shoes off and a can of beer,

watching that wonderful clear picture coming into your home,

bringing culture and entertainment to you and your family.

Of course, the great thing about TV

is that you see things live at the moment they're happening

like old movies made 30 years ago.

Oh, it's splendid.

Ah. Well.

Now, I hope all you TV fans feel wanted,

and lest there are any radio enthusiasts in the audience,

we don't want you to feel slighted.

As you know, Jenny Wells loves Rocky Hunter

and Rocky Hunter loves Jenny Wells.

But they can't afford to get married.

And now, naughty Rita Marlowe

has come between nice Jenny Wells and sweet Rocky Hunter.

Will Rita get Rocky?

Will Rocky forget his true love Jenny Wells,

and go off with Rita to fame and fortune and success?

And will success spoil Rock Hunter?

Oh, what will happen? What will happen?

Yes?

Mr Hunter's here to see you, Mr LaSalle.

'Ask Mr Hunter to come in.'

- Good morning, Mr LaSalle. - Good morning, Mr Hunter.

I'm happy to see you're speaking to me today.

Oh, dear, I... I'm awfully sorry about that.

I behaved childishly in the corridor. I'd like to apologise, sir.

No need for that. I received exactly what I deserved.

You're just being kind. There's no excuse for behaviour like that.

Well, here is Miss Rita Marlowe's signed endorsement.

She even agreed to do a TV spectacular for us.

What? How did you ever get her to do that, Mr Hunter?

Well, I guess you could say I owe it all to my mother's musicianship.

Nevertheless, you've done an amazing job for the agency.

And you've done a lot for me.

You know, I learned a great deal when you snubbed me yesterday.

It was conduct completely unbecoming, even for a Harvard man, to...

You know, Mr Hunter, why I conduct myself in that manner?

Why I stride down the corridors like a martinet ignoring everyone?

You're the boss. The boss can act like a martinet if he feels like it.

No, that isn't it. I'm...

I'm a very frightened man, Mr Hunter.

Frightened? Frightened of what, Mr LaSalle?

Frightened because I'm a success by the dubious route of inheritance.

Being the son of an illustrious parent is far from an easy road, Mr Hunter.

- I don't think I understand, sir. - I'm not trying to excuse my actions.

But, you see, Mr Hunter, I'm constantly on my mettle,

trying to prove I'm as worthy as my illustrious parent.

And behind the big desk,

camouflaged behind a custom-tailored Grey flannel,

I pretend I am.

Do you know what I wanted to be

before I was cajoled into being a carbon copy

of the illustrious founder of this organisation?

This? All this isn't what you want?

This is far from it.

Gee whiz! I always thought you had it made. I envied you your success.

I have never had it made.

I wanted to be a horticulturalist, to develop new roses.

My success would have been taking first prize at a flower show.

Perhaps having a new rose named after me.

Does that sound foolish to you, Mr Hunter?

Oh, no. No.

I wanted to raise chickens once, like Old MacDonald.

It just didn't seem important enough.

No, of course not. You wanted success.

You're probably now raising a mixed-up stomach. I'm sure that's more important.

But you saved this organisation, Mr Hunter. I more than appreciate it.

And I know my illustrious parent must be very proud of you.

Thank you, Mr LaSalle.

Oh, Mr Hunter?

I need men like you.

Please stay on.

Well, of course, I'd like to, very much.

But I won't be able to come into the office regularly for a while.

I made certain commitments to Miss Marlowe

to procure her endorsement.

It'll keep me a little busy for some time.

Yes, Mr Rufus told me. I... I commend your integrity.

You're a rare commodity, Mr Hunter.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

Well, talk, boy, talk! What happened with you and the big bossy, huh?

He is so nice. He is so nice, Rufe. He offered me my job back.

He's a lot nicer than that, Rocky boy.

Congratulations, Your Honour. And when do I get my raise?

Oh, I never thought I'd live to see that. Oh!

I know. Kind of gets you here, doesn't it?

It really does. It just makes everything that's happened seem worthwhile.

Worthwhile?

Take a gandy at this, laddie.

The key.

Your key to the executive powder room.

Wow.

You're gonna love that liquid soap. It's imported.

Oh, Rufe. This is a moment...

- I'll never forget it. - I know.

I remember when I got my first key.

This means I'm...

Say it, boy, say it. Don't be modest.

- I'm an executive! - You got it made.

And, you know, it's a miracle how you overcame your education. Ha-ha-ha!

Now take it. Take the key, Rocky, and go, boy, go.

I wish Jenny were here to share this moment.

No women allowed.

Go, boy. Go!

Oh, the beauty of it all!

Hi, honey. How do you feel?

Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh!

I feel just divoon.

- Ooh! - Jenny, stop that.

I've opened some of your fan mail, Mr Hunter.

Ooh! See?

I've separated it into the proper classifications.

Proposals of marriage to you from widows.

Proposals of marriage to you from bachelor girls.

And proposals of marriage to you from married women.

Ooh!

I think that's all. But if you need me, just breathe hard.

I'll hear you. Ooh!

- Miss Wells! - Yes?

Why don't you "Lover Doll" me? Go ahead!

All right, Mr Hunter. Lover Doll, Lover Doll, Lover Doll!

Once was enough. Thank you.

- That's Lover Doll? - That's Lover Doll.

He ain't no Pat Boone.

Oh, I'm coming unglued. I'm coming unglued.

Jenny!

Now you listen to me!

I'm sorry I shouted at you. Really, I am.

Jenny? Mr LaSalle can understand that a man has to keep his promises.

Why can't you?

There's nothing between Rita and me, really, there isn't.

We both owe her a great deal.

If it wasn't for her, would I have a key to the executive washroom?

Would I be a VIP?

Rita Marlowe made it possible for us. Now we can afford to get married.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

You wanted me to be a big success. Now I'm on my way. We've got it made.

- Let's enjoy it the way we planned. - Poop.

- Jenny, if you go down in that lift... - You're right, we're through.

All right, but just you remember this and don't you forget it.

When you see me walking down the street in my elevator shoes,

remember it was you that did it.

♪ Don't worry, don't be afraid Have confidence and you've got it made

♪ You've got it made, you've got it made

♪ You've got those charms That you once prayed for

♪ You've got it made, you've got it made

♪ Mr Successful, you've got it made

♪ When life for you she first begin

♪ You envied stars like Gable and Flynn

♪ But now that you are strong and virile

♪ You take no back seat For Clark or Errol

♪ When you were young And first start out

♪ You were no Don Juan There is no doubt...

You blind-date often, Miss Summers?

Only when I'm blind.

- I'm sorry. - I didn't mean it the way it sounded.

I just got the homogenised blues.

Darling, what's happened to you?

This music brings out the Belafonte in me, Miss Marlowe.

No, you're so different tonight.

No, I'm the same Lover Doll I've always been, honest.

♪ Shoulders narrow and not much chin

♪ But ugly duckling the swan grew quick

♪ To beat off the women You carry a stick

♪ Your mouth, it's nice Your eyes are blue

♪ Your nose is finely chiselled too

♪ When you walk down the street It's true

♪ You don't whistle at girls Because they whistle at you

♪ You've got it made You've got it made

♪ Mr Successful

♪ You've got it made ♪

Just one more, Lover Doll.

Thanks, folks.

Ooh!

'Now for the first time on any show, right here on our stage, on our show,

'we will show you that we really have got a big show.

'Here he is in person, Lover Doll Hunter.

'Lover Doll will show all the men in our audience

'how to really keep all their wives and sweethearts happy.

'Show them on our show.'

'All women love to be kissed when they are wearing Stay-Put Lipstick,

'and to kiss properly you must first pucker your lips

'and hold her in your arms gently, watching the position of the right hand.'

Leave two quarts tomorrow.

♪ Mr Successful

♪ You've got it made ♪

Talk about sales! Would you believe it, ID?

Rita's endorsement has Stay-Put selling four to one

over our nearest competitor.

And is her Spectacular gonna be spectacular!

We've had 18 writers on it

and we're warming up a top rewrite team to rewrite the last top rewrite team.

And we're getting a great big important guest star.

Sounds great.

You don't sound very enthusiastic. This is your baby.

Well, tell you the truth, I'm kind of tired, Rufe.

- Have you seen Jenny lately? - No, I haven't seen her.

- You're not still thinking about Jenny? - Mm, no. Just asking.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not your office any more.

- LS has a bigger office for you. - Bigger?

Things have been popping with Junior while you were away.

- How is Mr LaSalle? - Never better. All thanks to you, ID.

This is Miss Carstairs. She's new here.

- Good morning, Mr Hunter. - Good morning, Miss Carstairs.

If you want anything, just call.

Mm-hm.

- Really stacked, that Carstairs dishy. - Attractive.

She's on the 80 proof side but you're a drinking man.

Mr LaSalle removed the portrait of his father.

Yep, Papa's gone.

And the roses too. Gee, the office doesn't look the same without the roses.

Junior took them too. You'll have to choose your own posies.

- Choose my own what? - Posies. The kind you like.

Just tell the stack outside. She'll order 'em.

Rufe, where is Mr LaSalle?

Which one, Junior or Senior?

Well, I know where Senior is. Where's Mr LaSalle Junior?

Junior's bye-bye too.

And I think you'd better give me back that key to the executive powder room.

You're in solitary from here on in.

♪ You've got it made... ♪

Hello there, Rockwell.

I'd like to have a talk with you, Mr LaSalle.

Oh, haven't we reached the point where we can use first names?

- Please call me Irving. - Irving?

I'd like to have a little of your time, Irving.

There's not much to say, Rockwell.

After our conversation that day, I... I started thinking.

Huh! I hadn't done any thinking since I inherited the agency.

It's not the kind of business that requires thinking

so... so the process was a little strange for me,

but I muddled it through to a logical conclusion

and my problems, as Rufus would say, were solvy solvied.

I was impressed with you.

You seemed eager for what you thought was success.

You no longer believed in your... your chicken farm dreams.

You were, in a manner of speaking, a gift from the gods.

You were the perfect man to sit at my desk and enjoy it,

the kind of man my illustrious parent would have respected as a son...

instead of the rose grubber he sired.

I'm... I'm not at all sure I'm the man to sit behind your desk.

I'm certain you are. Success will fit you like a shroud.

Now, this is an office I really enjoy working in,

though I don't imagine my illustrious parent is as happy as he was.

You didn't mind me removing his portrait, did you?

- No, no, certainly not. - I'm glad.

I wanted Daddy's picture with me.

You see, Rockwell, I had got used to Daddy frowning down on me

all those long, long years.

And now the old buzzard can be as miserable in my office

as he made me in his.

Daddy was the first Ivy Leaguer, you know.

- Good night, Mr Hunter. - Good night, Ed.

- Evening, Mr Hunter. - Evening. Evening.

♪ You've got it made

♪ You've got it made

♪ This is the dream you've prayed for

♪ You got it made, you got it made

♪ Mr Successful, you got it made

♪ You used to wish for lots of things

♪ Continentals with sterling piston rings

♪ Now that you're rich Never more to be poor

- ♪You have a chauffeur, butler. - ♪And private masseur

♪ You've got it made, you've got it made

♪ Your cheques won't bounce And your bills are all paid for

♪ You've got it made, you've got it made

♪ Mr Executive, you've got it made

♪ Movie stars and glamour girls

♪ Will run their fingers Through your curls

♪ Hug and squeeze you...

- Ooh! - ♪ But you won't care

♪ You'll just smile and be so debonair

♪ You have the finest office in town

♪ Forty-four storeys above the ground

♪ You are the king of all you survey

♪ With expense account for large amount, you never have to pay

♪ Your desk, so big as he Fourteen carat mahogany

♪ You're big, big, big You're grand, grand, grand

♪ Got the world in the palm of your hand

♪ You've got it made, you've got it made

♪ Mr Big Shot, Mr Successful Mr Executive, Mr Big

♪ Mister man in the Grey flannel suit

♪ You've got it made

♪ You've got it made, you've got it made

♪ Mr Big Shot, Mr Successful

♪ Mr Executive

♪ You've got it made ♪

Oh, I'm sorry.

Jenny.

I didn't know you'd be here so early in the morning.

Well, I just wanted to return this.

I meant to give it back to you before, but...

Jenny.

I couldn't keep it lit.

I tried. I really tried.

I'm sorry.

Jenny!

I know now why I couldn't keep it lit.

Yeah. Remember that psychiatrist I was telling you about?

- Yes? - Well, he was right.

All my life, I've fought against being a failure.

I didn't have sense enough to know that I'm not a failure.

I'm the largest success there is. I'm an average guy.

And all us average guys are successes.

We run the works, not the big guy behind the big desk.

He's knocking himself out trying to figure out how to please us,

please you and me and all the other us's like us.

Who do they try to sell with advertising? Nobody but us.

Who gives a television series a good Trendex? We do.

Who elects the presidents? Nobody but us.

You understand what I'm trying to tell you, Jenny?

I suppose I do.

I suppose I never wanted to be anybody but me, plain Jenny Wells.

I tried.

But those tight sweaters are too heavy.

Plain Jenny Wells,

plain Rockwell Hunter just wants to go through life with you.

That's very nice to hear.

But what about that not-so-plain sweater girl you're marrying this afternoon?

Marrying? Oh, that's just some of Rita's publicity nonsense.

Nonsense? Louella Parsons says it's true.

It's a lead in her column, and Louella's never wrong. She's never wrong!

Honey, Rita doesn't love me. She loves a guy named Georgie Schmidlapp.

She's been trying to forget him, the way I tried to forget you.

Only we both failed.

Jenny. Marry me today.

- Louella's never wrong. - Jenny, please. Marry me today.

You'll be a bigamist, two wives in one day, you'll be arrested.

They'll put you in jail. But I'll come to see you every visiting day.

'Stay-Put Spectacular is on the air,

'brought to you in black-and-white and contemptible color...

'Pardon me, compatible color, starring...

- Ooh! - ...Rita Marlowe and a surprise guest.'

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This is Rita Marlowe, star of stage, screen and now live television.

Ooh!

Because this is my first live television appearance,

the sponsor has agreed to relinquish his commercial time.

There will be no mention of Stay-Put Lipstick,

nor Stay-Put Lipstick's wonderful Stay-Put Lipstick colours,

such as Stay-Put Lipstick Red, Stay-Put Lipstick Pink,

Stay-Put Lipstick Flame, Stay-Put Lipstick Crimson,

Stay-Put Lipstick Magenta, Stay-Put Lipstick Devil Red.

These are wonderful lipsticks

I personally use for my oh-so-kissable lips...

Ooh!

That you will not be hearing about.

And now for our first big surprise guest star...

Georgie Schmidlapp?

Rita, I love you.

Oh, and I love you, Georgie. But why did you wait so long to tell me?

You know you never even tried to kiss me.

I never could get that close.

Ah, but it's wonderful to be in love.

And it's even more wonderful to be on a TV show without any commercials.

Here, hold this until I get back.

'Rita Marlowe and her true love Georgie Schmidlapp are successful now.

'You bet your life.

'And another big success is this family.

'They made the grade. Grade A Extra Large.'

Chick, chick, chick!

'They really have it made, as long as the price of eggs stays up.

'This fellow is a big successy as the big bossy,

'even though his new secretary put him on a milk diet,

'his Scotch, Bourbon, gin and Manischewitz-flavoured lipsticks

'are a big hit.

'And this horticulturalist developed a new fast-growing rose.'

I was awarded the first prize.

Yes, it's... it's called the Irving rose.

We've learned that success is just the art of being happy.

And being happy is... Well, being happy is just...

The very living end.

♪Oh!

♪ This is the living end

♪ They've got it made They've got it made