Original subtitles

[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING]

* 10 *

* 9 *

* 8, 7 *

* 6, 5 *

* 4, 3, 2, 1 *

* YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A TRIP, GIRL *

* SO SLIP INTO SOMETHING SLINKY AND SMOOTH *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* JUST WAVE THE WORLD GOOD-BYE *

* LET'S RIDE, 'CAUSE, GIRL *

* I GOT A WHOLE LOT TO PROVE *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* I NEED TO SHOW YOU I KNOW *

* YOU AND ME WERE MEANT TO GO THE WHOLE ROUTE *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* AND IF YOU STICK WITH ME, GIRL *

* YOU'LL SEE WHAT THE GAME OF LOVE'S ALL ABOUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* I'M GONNA PUT A SMILE UPON YOUR FACE *

* GET READY NOW, YOU BETTER BRACE YOURSELF *

* WE'RE GONNA TAKE A TRIP IN OUTER SPACE *

* FLY NOW AND WE'LL PAY LATER, GIRL *

* COME ON, AND GO WITH ME *

* AND YOU'LL SEE WHAT THE GAME OF LOVE'S ALL ABOUT *

* IT'S WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* NO TIME TO PACK YOUR BAG *

* JUST GRAB MY HAND AND LET ME SHOW YOU THE WAY *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* I'VE NOMINATED YOU THE GIRL *

* WHO I WOULD LIKE TO LEAD ME ASTRAY *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* I'M GONNA PROVE TO YOU *

* THAT LOVE IS GROOVY *

* SO YOU BETTER WATCH OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* I AIM TO HOLD YOU, KISS YOU *

* TEACH YOU WHAT THE GAME OF LOVE'S ALL ABOUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* THE MOMENT THAT I SAW YOU IN THE CROWD *

* I PLANNED TO TAKE YOU INTO ORBIT, GIRL *

* I'M GONNA GET US LOST INSIDE A CLOUD *

* 'CAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO FLY *

* SO PUT YOUR TRUST IN ME AND YOU'LL SEE *

* WHAT THE GAME OF LOVE'S ALL ABOUT *

* IT'S WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

[SONG FADES AND BELL CHIMES]

Man: THIS IS COLONEL JOHN "SHORTY" POWERS,

IN LUNAR LAUNCH CONTROL.

AND THIS STORY TAKES PLACE

NEAR THE TURN OF THE CENTURY.

NOT THE LAST CENTURY,

THE NEXT CENTURY.

NOTHING VERY MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE 1960's.

THERE IS STILL A UNITED NATIONS

AND PEACE IN THE WORLD.

OR AT LEAST, WHAT WE HAVE COME TO ACCEPT AS PEACE.

[MEN TALKING ALL AT ONCE]

[GAVEL BANGING]

Man: THIS SPECIAL MODERATING COMMITTEE

OF THE UNITED NATIONS

WILL NOW COME TO ORDER.

AND THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES

THE DELEGATE FROM THE SOVIET UNION.

THANK YOU.

5 DAYS AGO,

ON OCTOBER 22,

A RUSSIAN WOMAN CITIZEN

ANNA SOBLOVA,

WHO IS NOW OPERATING

OUR WEATHER STATION ON THE MOON,

WAS FALLEN UPON AND ATTACKED

WITHOUT WARNING BY ONE OF

THE UNITED STATES PERSONNEL,

WHO IS AT PRESENT OPERATING

THE AMERICAN WEATHER STATION ON THE MOON.

THIS COMPLETELY UNPROVOKED ASSAULT,

WITH DEEP SEXUAL IMPLICATIONS,

ONLY FAILED BECAUSE OF

MISS SOBLOVA'S PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE

IN FIGHTING OFF ATTACKS

OF THIS NATURE.

THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT DENIES

ALL KNOWLEDGE OF SUCH AN ATTACK.

AND KNOWING THE HIGH-TYPE

OF THE FINE, YOUNG AMERICAN MEN

THAT AMERICA HAS SENT

TO ITS WEATHER STATIONS ON THE MOON,

WE FEEL SURE THAT THIS ATTACK,

IF IT OCCURRED,

MUST HAVE BEEN PROVOKED BY THE RUSSIAN CITIZEN

MISS ANNA SOBLOVA HERSELF!

I CHARGE THAT THIS HIGH-TYPE

OF FINE, YOUNG AMERICAN MEN

ARE NOTHING BUT UNCONTROLLED

SEX OFFENDERS OF THE LOWEST TYPE!

SEX OFFENDERS!

YOU WANNA DOUBT ME?!

I GAVE YOU THE FACTS.

YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.

I'LL NOT STAND FOR THIS, SIR!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

YOU CAN'T CLOSE DOWN, SIR!

ALL RIGHT? I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

NOT ONE MOMENT, SIR.

WHAT ARE YOU? POUNDING ON THE TABLE WITH YOUR SHOE?

HE'S GOT HIS SHOES OFF HERE!

NYET! NYET! NYET!

Col. Powers: YES, THERE IS PEACE ON EARTH,

AND GREAT THINGS ARE HAPPENING ON THE MOON.

BUT WE WOULD BE LESS THAN HONEST

IF WE DIDN'T ADMIT THAT THERE MAY BE

TROUBLE BREWING UP THERE.

Man: MR. QUONSET! MR. QUONSET!

I'M NOT CLEAR ABOUT A FEW CHARGES

MADE AT THE UNITED NATIONS YESTERDAY.

PLEASE, PLEASE, LET ME REPEAT.

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MORE TO SAY

ABOUT THE OUTRAGEOUS CHARGES

MADE BY THE RUSSIANS

AT THE UNITED NATIONS YESTERDAY.

THEN YOU DENY THAT ONE OF OUR BOYS UP THERE

MADE AN ATTACK ON THAT RUSSIAN GIRL?

WELL, OF COURSE, I DENY IT.

I KNOW THE CALIBER OF THE MEN

WE SEND TO THE MOON.

I SELECT THEM MYSELF.

DON'T THEY LIKE GIRLS?

[COUGHS]

SHE SAID, "DON'T THEY LIKE GIRLS?"

NATURALLY, THEY LIKE GIRLS...

WITH RESTRAINT!

LET US NOT FORGET WE ARE TALKING

ABOUT AMERICAN BOYS.

[CROWD MURMURING]

NOW THEN.

AS TO THE REASON FOR CALLING THIS CONFERENCE.

AS YOU KNOW,

EVER SINCE OUR LUNAR STATION WAS ESTABLISHED,

IT HAS BEEN OUR POLICY TO SEND UP 2 MEN.

A WEATHERNAUT AND AN ASTRONOMER.

FROM NOW ON, FOR REASONS BEST KNOWN TO OURSELVES,

WE HAVE DECIDED THAT THE TEAM SHALL CONSIST

OF A MALE WEATHERNAUT

AND A FULLY-QUALIFIED FEMALE ASTRONOMER.

MR. QUONSET?

MM-HMM?

DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THEY'RE GOING TO SEND

A MAN AND WOMAN UP THERE

TO SPEND A YEAR ON THE MOON, ALONE, TOGETHER?

NOT A WOMAN, A WIFE.

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN THE TWO, YOU KNOW.

Second Man: WHEN WAS ALL THIS DECIDED?

YESTERDAY?

THIS HAS NOTHING WHATEVER TO DO

WITH ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY.

THIS DECISION WAS TAKEN SOME MONTHS AGO.

WHY? IS SOMETHING HAPPENING UP THERE

THAT WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

WHAT COULD BE HAPPENING ON THE MOON?

THE MOON IS A LONELY, DESOLATE POST.

NATURALLY, CERTAIN DIFFICULTIES ARISE

WHEN MEN ARE SUBJECTED

TO THOSE KINDS OF STRESSES.

Man: WHAT STRESSES?

PERSONALITY DISARRANGEMENT,

DEEP DEPRESSIONS,

THE SORT OF FRICTION

WHICH NATURALLY DEVELOPS

BETWEEN 2 MEN WHO HAVE NOTHING

BUT EACH OTHER FOR COMPANY

FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR.

TO BE QUITE FRANK,

THE 2 MEN WE HAVE UP THERE NOW

HAVE TRIED TO...

HAVE TRIED TO DO AWAY WITH EACH OTHER

3 TIMES IN THE LAST 4 MONTHS.

WHERE DO YOU PLAN ON FINDING A WEATHERNAUT

WHO'S GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH AND MARRY

A FEMALE ASTRONOMER?

IT SO HAPPENS THAT WE HAVE ALREADY FOUND

JUST SUCH A COUPLE.

AT ABOUT THE SAME TIME

AS OUR DECISION WAS MADE,

IT CAME TO OUR NOTICE THAT A YOUNG WEATHERNAUT

HAD FALLEN IN LOVE WITH ONE OF OUR GIRLS

FROM THE NATIONAL SPACE AGENCY.

THEY HAVE JUST RETURNED

FROM A BLISSFUL 3-WEEKS HONEYMOON.

DO WE GET THEIR NAMES?

YOU'LL GET BETTER THAN THAT.

AT THIS TIME,

I PLAN TO INTRODUCE YOU TO--

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

AS I WAS SAYING,

AT THIS TIME, WE PLAN--

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

FORGIVE ME ONE MOMENT.

WHAT IS IT, PONSONBY?

IT'S TERRIBLE.

WHAT'S TERRIBLE?

YES, SIR.

THAT ENDS THE PRESS CONFERENCE FOR TODAY.

PONSONBY! [BUTTON BEEPS]

YES, SIR?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE UP TO?

I'M AFRAID THE FERTILIZER

HAS HIT THE VENTILATOR, SIR.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THE NEWLYWEDS!

YOU'RE IN FOR A TERRIBLE SHOCK.

[CRASHING]

Woman: TED, YOU OVERGROWN PIPSQUEAK, YOU!

Man: PLEASE, LISTEN.

NO, YOU LISTEN!

NO! NO! NOT THAT!

PUT IT DOWN, DEAR.

GIVE IT TO ME. THERE. HA HA.

GOOD HEAVENS, WHAT IS THIS?

OUR FIRST LITTLE LOVERS' QUARREL?

WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

IT'S MUCH TOO EARLY IN THE DAY.

Ponsonby: THE WHOLE THING'S

BLOWN UP IN OUR FACES, SIR.

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO THE MOON.

TO THE MOON?

MR. QUONSET, I WOULDN'T GO

TO THE CORNER DRUG STORE

WITH THAT MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A MAN.

WHAT'S WRONG?

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN ON THE HONEYMOON?

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?

WELL, WE SAW A LOT OF DAYTIME TELEVISION,

AND WE WENT TO THE SALTWATER PLUNGE

EVERY AFTERNOON.

IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP...

OH, YES, AND HE WAS ON THE PHONE TO HIS MOTHER

AT LEAST 2 OR 3 TIMES A DAY.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH CALLING MY MOTHER?

I KNOW HER A LOT BETTER THAN I KNOW YOU.

WHAT WERE YOU CALLING HER FOR?

INSTRUCTIONS?

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME--

NOW, NOW, NOW, CHILDREN.

I EXPECT YOU'RE BOTH OF YOU

A LITTLE BIT OVERTIRED.

FROM WHAT?

WELL, NOBODY'S HONEYMOON

GOES SMOOTHLY, YOU KNOW.

GOOD HEAVENS.

I WOULDN'T GO THROUGH

MY HONEYMOON AGAIN

WITH MRS. QUONSET FOR...

YOU'LL SOON WARM TO EACH OTHER

ON THE MOON.

YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE YEAR TOGETHER.

FORGET IT.

FORGET IT? MY DEAR CHILD,

YOU'RE DUE TO LIFT OFF

IN UNDER 3 DAYS.

I'M LIFTING OFF RIGHT NOW!

OH!

WHAT A GIRL. WHAT AN AWFUL GIRL.

MY MOTHER SAID, RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING--

NEVER MIND WHAT

YOUR LOUSY MOTHER SAID.

GO AFTER HER.

GO AFTER HER?

I NEVER WANNA SEE HER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.

DO YOU REALIZE THE POSITION

YOU'RE PUTTING THIS COUNTRY IN,

YOU IDIOT?

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN SOME OF THE THINGS SHE DID.

AND HEARD SOME OF THE THINGS SHE WANTED TO DO.

DO YOU THINK THOSE POOR, HALF-CRAZED MUTTS

STUMBLING AROUND ON THE MOON

CARE WHAT YOUR WIFE DID

ON YOUR PIDDLING LITTLE HONEYMOON?

THEY ARE DUE TO BE RELIEVED IN 6 DAYS,

AND I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE

IF THEY HAVE TO WAIT A MOMENT LONGER.

WELL, I CERTAINLY CAN SEE YOUR PREDICAMENT, SIR--

THIS ISN'T A PREDICAMENT!

THIS IS A NATIONAL DISASTER, YOU BUNGLER!

WE HAVEN'T ANOTHER

TRAINED MARRIED COUPLE AVAILABLE!

WELL, UH, MOTHER HAD AN AWFULLY GOOD SUGGESTION

WHEN I--

GET OUT!

TAKE YOUR MOTHER AND--

GET OUT.

YES, SIR.

SIR--

AAH! GET OUT!

WELL...

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

MY NECK IS OUT 10 MILES ON THIS THING.

MAYBE WE SHOULD'VE LISTENED

TO THAT ADVICE OF HIS MOTHER'S, SIR.

DON'T YOU TRY AND BE FUNNY, PONSONBY.

ON THE TOP OF EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED,

DON'T YOU TRY AND BE FUNNY.

WELL?

WHO'S NEXT ON THE LIST TO GO?

WHO'S ROBERTSON'S BACKUP?

MATTEMORE.

WHO?

MATTEMORE.

PETER MATTEMORE.

IS HE STILL AROUND?

YES, SIR.

AND HE'S NEXT IN LINE?

WELL,

WHERE IS HE?

WELL, HE'S AT THE CENTRIFUGE TODAY.

WELL, GET HIM OUT OF THERE.

YES, SIR.

UH, THE BUTTON, SIR, PLEASE.

[BUTTON BEEPS]

GET HIM INTO MY OFFICE RIGHT AWAY!

YES, SIR.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANING]

[GROANING]

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MATTEMORE.

[GROANING]

OH, MATTEMORE, THIS WAY.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

Man on Telephone: HELLO. MR. QUONSET?

[MATTEMORE GROANING]

HELLO?

HELLO?

LATE.

[GROANING]

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW, I--

I GOT HIM OUT OF THE CENTRIFUGE,

AND--AND THERE IT WAS.

[GROANING]

DOES THAT THING

ALWAYS AFFECT YOU LIKE THIS?

NO.

O-ONLY WHEN IT TURNS.

ONLY...WHEN IT...

WELL, THE WAY RUMORS FLY AROUND HERE,

NO DOUBT YOU HEARD THE BAD NEWS.

OH. OH, YOU MEAN ABOUT THE COUPLE

NOT GOING TO THE MOON?

OH, Y-YES, SIR. I DID HEARD.

AND SINCE YOU'RE THE BACKUP MAN,

YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE NEXT

TO LEAVE FOR THE MOON ON THURSDAY.

[DROPS HELMET]

ME?!

YES, YOU, MATTEMORE. AND THIS TIME,

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WEASEL OUT OF IT.

OH, WELL--WELL,

I NEVER WEASELED OUT OF IT, SIR--

MATTEMORE, YOU'VE BEEN IN TRAINING NOW

FOR 11 YEARS.

EACH TIME YOUR NAME

CAME UP TO THE TOP OF THE LIST,

YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING

SHORT OF TURNING YOURSELF INSIDE OUT

TO KEEP YOURSELF FROM GOING.

WELL, I WOULDN'T EXACTLY--

MEANWHILE, MATTEMORE,

YOU HAVE BEEN USING YOUR POSITION

AS A WEATHERNAUT TO CASH IN

ON THE WOMEN'S CLUB LECTURE CIRCUIT.

WELL, I WOULDN'T EXACTLY SAY CASH IN.

I MADE A COUPLE--

WELL, THAT'S ALL BEHIND YOU NOW, MATTEMORE.

BUT...DON'T YOU WANT ME TO LIGHT THIS FOR YOU, SIR?

I DON'T SMOKE.

OH. WELL, I THINK THAT, UH--

YOU'RE GOING TO THE MOON IN 3 DAYS.

WELL, WELL, SIR, PLEASE,

IF I MAY JUST POINT OUT, YOU KNOW,

I AM THE OLDEST WEATHERNAUT HERE NOW.

YOU WERE THE OLDEST WEATHERNAUT

WHEN YOU STARTED YOUR TRAINING.

OH, YES, SO I WAS.

BUT, WELL, YOU SEE,

I HAD PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THEM.

I WAS GOING PADDLE BOARDING AT LAKE OKEFENOKEE

WITH STELLA MARY OGLEMEYER--

HERE, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR PLANS.

CANCELS THEM.

CANCELS STELLA MARY OGLEMEYER?

WHY, WE'RE AS GOOD AS ENGAGED, SIR!

YOU'RE LEAVING FOR THE MOON, MATTEMORE.

AND THAT'S THAT.

STELLA MARY OGLEMEYER?

YES, SIR.

MATTEMORE, HOW MANY GIRLS DO YOU KNOW

WHO HAVE THE NECESSARY SPACE TRAINING

AND A GRADUATE DEGREE

IN GEOLOGY AND ASTRONOMY?

OH, WELL, THE ONLY GIRLS I KNOW, SIR,

DIDN'T EVEN FINISH HIGH SCHOOL. WHY?

YOU HAVE EXACTLY 3 DAYS, MATTEMORE,

TO FIND A GIRL WITH THOSE QUALIFICATIONS

AND MARRY HER.

3 DAYS?

3 DAYS.

3 DAYS.

SIR, I DON'T BELIEVE THERE ARE 10 GIRLS

IN THE ENTIRE WORLD

THAT MEET THOSE QUALIFICATIONS.

IT SO HAPPENS THAT WE HAVE 3 OF THEM

AT THE SPACE AGENCY RIGHT NOW.

PONSONBY HAS DONE A RUNDOWN ON THEM,

HAVEN'T YOU, PONSONBY?

YES, SIR.

RIGHT HERE, SIR. I'VE--

I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT.

HERE WE ARE.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE PICTURES OF THEM

I MANAGED TO GET HOLD OF.

YES.

THIS IS MARY JANE SAUNDERS.

HEY, SHE'S NOT BAD.

UNFORTUNATELY, SHE'S ALREADY MARRIED.

MISS ESTHER DAVENPORT,

34, UNMARRIED.

FIGURES.

SHE'S QUALIFIED IN EVERY WAY.

COULD WE GO ON?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?

OH, NOTHING AT ALL.

AT LEAST, NOTHING THAT I KNOW OF.

EILEEN FORBES. IT IS BETWEEN THIS ONE,

AND NUMBER 2.

WELL, LET'S JUST SAY THIS ONE.

GET ONTO THIS RIGHT AWAY.

I WANT MISS FORBES IN MY OFFICE AT 4:30.

YES, SIR.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT HER REALLY.

WELL, WHAT IS THERE TO KNOW?

SHE'S A GIRL, AND YOU PICKED HER OUT,

DIDN'T YOU?

UH, YES, SIR, I DID.

BUT, UH, WHAT I MEAN IS,

THAT IS, UH...

I DON'T KNOW THAT SHE'D LIKE ME.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT 3 DAYS TO MAKE HER CHANGE HER MIND.

THAT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM

FOR A MAN WITH YOUR REPUTATION.

REPUTATION?

WHAT REPUTATION?

DON'T BE COY, MATTEMORE.

YOU HAVE A ROTTEN REPUTATION WITH WOMEN.

EVERYONE ON THE BASE IS ALWAYS SAYING

WHAT A ROTTEN REPUTATION YOU HAVE.

WELL, THAT MIGHT BE SO, SIR,

BUT IN ACTUALITY--

THE COUNTRY IS DEPENDING ON YOU, MATTEMORE.

WELL, I MEAN, WHAT ELSE CAN THE COUNTRY DO?

WE'RE STUCK WITH YOU, AREN'T WE?

ARE YOU SURE?

I MEAN, ARE YOU GENTLEMEN SURE

THAT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT GIRL?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS MAN.

I KNOW THAT, MISS FORBES.

BUT DUE TO THE NATURE OF THE EMERGENCY--

I'M WELL AWARE OF

THE EMERGENCY, MR. QUONSET.

AND AS MUCH AS I'D APPRECIATE

THE SCIENTIFIC OPPORTUNITY INVOLVED

IN SPENDING A YEAR ON THE MOON,

THE IDEA OF MARRYING A COMPLETE STRANGER...

UH, OH, YES. I THINK SHE'S RIGHT, SIR.

I MEAN, IT'S THE MARRIAGE BUSINESS

THAT'S FOULING UP EVERYTHING.

I MEAN, MISS FORBES AND I ARE JUST SCIENTISTS

OFF FOR A YEAR'S SCIENTIFIC EXPEDITION.

AND WHY CLUTTER IT WITH A LOT OF MARRIAGE TALK?

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY

WHAT I HAD IN MIND EITHER.

MATTEMORE!

YOU SEEM TO FORGET THAT UNLIKE THE RUSSIANS

WE'RE A VERY RELIGIOUS NATION.

THE COUNTRY WOULD NEVER STAND FOR

A LOT UNLICENSED, SLAP AND GRAPPLE

SMACKEY-MOUTH ON THE MOON.

IT IS NOT THE IDEA

OF MARRIAGE I OBJECT TO.

OH, GOOD.

IT IS THE IDEA

OF BEING FORCED INTO IT

WITH SOMEONE I DON'T EVEN KNOW!

IT'S A LITTLE CUT AND DRIED FOR ME.

AS IF I'D BEEN SELECTED FROM

A PICTURE IN SOME BREEDERS' GUIDE.

BY THE WAY,

HOW DID I HAPPEN TO BE CHOSEN?

OH, WELL, I, UH,

I JUST HAPPENED TO SEE YOUR PICTURE AND I--

YOU KNOW, FROM THAT MOMENT ON,

HE WAS A CHANGED MAN!

HE KEPT RUNNING AROUND, YELLING, THIS IS THE GIRL

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL MY LIFE!

I HAVE TO GO TO THE MOON WITH HER!

I JUST HAVE TO!

ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WERE

RUNNING AROUND YELLING, MATTEMORE?

WELL, THAT MAY NOT BE EXACTLY--

THOSE WERE YOUR EXACT WORDS!

I REMEMBER THEM VERY WELL.

YES, THEY WERE... MY WORDS.

THIS IS REALLY VERY FLATTERING,

GENTLEMEN, BUT, UH,

WHEN THE MAGIC MOMENT

FINALLY COMES, FOR ME,

IT'LL BE WITH A MAN

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH.

YES, BUT WE HAVEN'T TIME FOR ALL THAT NONSENSE.

YOU SEE, THE MOON IS IN EXACTLY THE RIGHT POSITION

3 DAYS FROM NOW.

AND LIFT-OFF IS SCHEDULED

FOR PRECISELY 0500 HOURS

THAT MORNING.

I, ON THE OTHER HAND,

WILL NOT BE IN EXACTLY THE RIGHT POSITION

AT 0500 HOURS THAT MORNING.

IF ONLY I COULD GET ACROSS TO YOU

HOW DESPERATE THIS EMERGENCY REALLY IS.

PONSONBY!

[CLANG]

I'M...SORRY...

PONSONBY!

[CRASHING]

PONSONBY--

SORRY, SIR. THE LAMP.

OH, NEVER MIND THE LAMP.

LET ME KNOW AS SOON AS WE START GETTING

OUR AFTERNOON WEATHER REPORTS FROM THE MOON.

WE'RE GETTING THEM RIGHT NOW, SIR.

FINE.

I WOULDN'T ADVISE THAT, SIR.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, PONSONBY.

BUT THINGS HAVE DETERIORATED

EVEN SINCE YESTERDAY.

I SAID, THAT WAS ALL RIGHT, PONSONBY.

Man: UHH... I HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS, HOFFMAN.

SHUT UP! I'M WARNING YOU!

SHUT UP!

SCHMIDLAPP.

SCHMIDLAPP!

THIS IS MR. QUONSET FROM CAPE KENNEDY.

YOU DOPE, QUONSET.

SHUT UP!

JUST KEEP YOUR BIG, FAT, UGLY MOUTH SHUT!

BLAH! UH!

Hoffman: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR WEEKS.

I-I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!

EASY, BOY, THERE.

[HOFFMAN WEEPING]

HOUR AFTER HOUR,

DAY AFTER DAY, WEEK AFTER WEEK.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN!

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TEETH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED TO 'EM?

SCHMIDLAPP KNOCKED 'EM OUT.

I-I SAID, GOOD MORNING TO HIM,

AND HE KNOCKED MY TEETH OUT.

WHERE IS HE NOW?

RIGHT WHERE HE ALWAYS IS.

HE'S SITTING OVER THERE, STARING AT ME.

[WEEPING]

I CAN'T STAND HIS HORRIBLE

DEAD EYES ANY LONGER.

NOW LISTEN TO ME. NEVER MIND ABOUT SCHMIDLAPP.

YOU'RE DUE TO BE RELIEVED IN A FEW DAYS.

I'LL NEVER LAST THAT LONG.

SAD, ISN'T IT?

AND THOSE HORRIBLE, BURNING EYES OF HIS.

HANG ON, MAN! HANG ON!

IT'S NEARLY OVER NOW.

[BLUBBERING]

I DON'T THINK THIS IS FAIR, MR. QUONSET.

YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE THIS ALL SEEM

AS IF IT WERE MY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

WELL, ISN'T IT, IN A WAY?

NO! YOU PICKED MY PICTURE OUT OF SOME FILE

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M RESPONSIBLE

FOR THE WHOLE MOON PROJECT.

EVEN IF MR. MATTEMORE'S SANITY IS AT STAKE,

I RESENT BEING ASKED TO GO UP THERE

FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF HIS MASCULINE NEEDS.

Mr. Quonset: THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU'RE BEING SENT UP THERE

AS PART OF A SCIENTIFIC TEAM.

SCIENTIFIC TEAM. HA!

THE ONLY REASON I'M BEING ASKED TO GO UP THERE

IS BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO BE BUILT

A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THAN MR. MATTEMORE.

IT WORKS BETTER THAT WAY.

ANY GIRL WOULD SERVE THE PURPOSE.

HOLD IT A MINUTE.

I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO SAY 2 WORDS.

NOW HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME

IF YOU GOT TO KNOW ME A LITTLE BETTER?

I DIDN'T SAY I DIDN'T LIKE YOU.

AND HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN

IN A BARREN, COLD OFFICE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?

I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE DINNER TOGETHER TONIGHT.

I DON'T SEE ANY REASON--

MISS FORBES, I AM NOT SUGGESTING

ANY WILD WEEKEND IN THE MOUNTAINS.

I AM ONLY SAYING THAT

WE SHOULD HAVE DINNER TOGETHER.

ALL RIGHT, MR. MATTEMORE.

WE'LL HAVE DINNER.

I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S GONNA HELP ANYTHING,

BUT IF IT'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

SHALL WE SAY ABOUT 9:00?

9:00 IS FINE.

FINE.

YOU'RE DEAD, MATTEMORE.

YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE WITH HER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I COULD TELL THE MOMENT SHE WALKED IN.

SHE CAN'T STAND THE SIGHT OF YOU.

SINCE WHEN ARE YOU SUCH AN EXPERT, SIR?

THESE THINGS ARE CHEMICAL.

I HAPPEN TO BE RATHER SENSITIVE TO THEM.

BELIEVE ME, MATTEMORE,

I COULD FEEL HER DISLIKE FOR YOU,

EVEN BEFORE YOU OPENED YOUR MOUTH.

I'D JUST LIKE TO KNOW

WHERE YOU GOT THAT BIG DEAL,

ROTTEN REPUTATION WITH WOMEN FROM.

I DIDN'T SAY I HAD A BIG DEAL,

ROTTEN REPUTATION WITH WOMEN.

YOU SAID I HAD A BIG DEAL,

ROTTEN REPUTATION WITH WOMEN.

WELL, IF YOU TAKE MY ADVICE,

YOU'LL WRITE MISS FORBES OFF AS A DEAD LOSS,

AND GET ON THE TELEPHONE TO THAT OTHER GIRL.

WHAT WAS HER NAME? ESTHER DAVENPORT.

JUST A MINUTE, MR. QUONSET,

I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS.

SOMETHING, BUT NOT VERY MUCH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MISS DAVENPORT?

SHE FILLS ALL OUR QUALIFICATIONS.

MAYBE SO, BUT SHE DOESN'T FILL MY QUALIFICATIONS.

MOREOVER, SHE DOESN'T EVEN FILL HER OWN BLOUSE!

HELLO, PETER. UHH!

OH, HI, FERN.

HEY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A DATE

WITH STELLA MARY TONIGHT.

NO, I DON'T HAVE A DATE WITH STELLA MARY.

I HAVE A DATE WITH THAT YOUNG LADY RIGHT THERE.

WELL, STELLA MARY DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT--

LOOK, KNOCK IT OFF, FERN.

JUST PARK THE CAR, HONEY.

HELLO, RUBY PEARL.

HI, I THOUGHT YOU HAD A DATE

WITH STELLA MARY TONIGHT.

COOL IT, COOL IT.

JUST CHECK THE HAT, AND COOL IT.

[CHUCKLES]

HERE WE GO, DEAR.

BON SOIR, MONSIEUR MATTEMORE.

BON SOIR, MADEMOISELLE.

BRECKINRIDGE, HOW ARE YOU?

HA HA, MONSIEUR MATTEMORE,

I WONDER IF I COULD SPEAK TO YOU FOR JUST A MOMENT?

WELL, YES, OF COURSE.

PARDON, MADEMOISELLE.

EXCUSE US A MOMENT.

SAY, PETE, THERE HAS BEEN A MISTAKE MADE.

A MISTAKE? WHAT MISTAKE?

WELL, WE HAVE YOU DOWN HERE FOR A SPECIAL TABLE,

FRENCH CHAMPAGNE, RUSSIAN CAVIAR,

AN ORCHID ON THE TABLE,

VIOLINISTS AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME...

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

YOU? YOU NEVER SPENT OVER $1.35

ON A GIRL BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE.

WELL, I'M GONNA SPEND MORE TONIGHT.

I'M SORRY, DEAR.

THERE WAS A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH THE TABLE.

WELL, MADEMOISELLE, MONSIEUR.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

HEY, I THOUGHT YOU HAD A DATE WITH--

YOU THOUGHT, BUT I DON'T.

WELL, SHE THINKS YOU DO.

SHH! YEAH, WELL, I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE THINKS,

I DON'T.

EXCUSE ME.

WELL, MR. MATTEMORE,

NOTHING THAT COULD TURN A GIRL'S HEAD

SEEMS TO BE OVERLOOKED.

WELL, I-I-I DIDN'T WANT FOR IT TO APPEAR

TO BE PREARRANGED, IT'S JUST THAT YOU WANT--

OH, DON'T APOLOGIZE.

I KNOW WITH THE LIMITED TIME SCHEDULE YOU HAVE,

YOU HAVE TO PLAN EVERYTHING RIGHT DOWN

TO THE LAST SECOND.

I KNEW YOU'D APPRECIATE THAT.

NOW, WHAT'S THE EXACT TIME WE HAVE SET ASIDE

FOR OUR FIRST TREMULOUS KISS?

YOU GONNA MAKE THIS YOUR LIFE'S WORK?

OH, PARDON, MONSIEUR.

WOULD YOU MIND POURING THE CHAMPAGNE, PLEASE?

OH, I'M SORRY--

I MEAN, I--I'M CERTAIN YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

WHAT WILL, IN THE END RESULT, PREVAIL BETWEEN

THE LADY AND I, BUT I HAVEN'T FOUND OUT YET,

SO, AS SOON AS I KNOW, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

PARDON MOI.

THAT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.

MERCI. THANK YOU.

AHEM...SORRY. UM...

OH, YES, I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT, UH...

UH...I REALIZE THIS AFTERNOON,

YOU WERE TERRIBLY UPSET AT THE FACT THAT WE REALLY

DIDN'T KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL.

MM-HMM?

WELL, I, UH, TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO, UH,

GET THIS BIOGRAPHY THAT I MADE OUT

WHEN I JOINED THE SERVICE.

IT'S A STANDARD FORM.

AND I THINK IT'LL SAVE SOME TIME.

I SUPPOSE YOU'VE FILLED ONE OUT, TOO.

YES.

I JUST DIDN'T HAPPEN TO THINK

TO BRING IT ALONG WITH ME.

[BOTH LAUGH]

HMM. VERY INTERESTING.

NAME, ADDRESS, AGE, WEIGHT.

UH, I MIGHT ADD, THIS WAS MADE OUT

11 YEARS AGO. I GREW AN INCH TALLER SINCE THEN.

WELL, IT'S ALL THERE.

YEAH, WELL--NOT ALL, OF COURSE.

OH, EVERYTHING A GIRL CONTEMPLATING

MARRIAGE SHOULD KNOW, THOUGH.

EXCEPT ABOUT THAT SEEDY REPUTATION

YOU SEEM TO HAVE.

SEEDY REPUTATION? WHAT SEEDY REPUTA--

HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO QUONSET?

YES. HE CALLED ME THIS AFTERNOON,

AND HE PUT IN WHAT HE OBVIOUSLY THOUGHT

WAS A PLUG FOR YOU.

WELL, WHY DOESN'T HE KEEP

HIS WEATHER FORECASTING NOSE OUT OF MY BUSINESS?

THIS WHOLE THING IS ALL WRONG.

I-I THINK WE SHOULD START ALL OVER AGAIN.

I MEAN, FROM THE BEGINNING.

DON'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT. RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.

OKAY.

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS YOU WANT TO ASK ABOUT ME?

MM-HMM. JUST ONE.

WHAT'S THAT?

WHO IS STELLA MARY?

ST--

IF, UH...

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

TH-THAT'S, UH,

STELLA MARY, RIGHT THERE.

UH, HI, STELLA.

WHY, YOU MISERABLE,

NO GOOD, DATE-BREAKIN', TWO-TIMIN' PIPSQUEAK!

[VIOLINS PLAYING]

GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.

MR. QUONSET'S TALKING TO THE MOON,

BUT YOU CAN GO RIGHT IN.

THANK YOU.

SCHMIDLAPP.

SCHMIDLAPP.

HE'S A STUBBORN ONE.

SCHMIDLAPP, I WANT YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME.

I WANT YOU TO GET UP AND GO ACROSS THE ROOM

AND UNTIE HOFFMAN.

SCHMIDLAPP, YOU SHOULDN'T TIE HOFFMAN UP LIKE THAT.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TAKE A FLYIN'--

[DING]

NOW, LISTEN TO ME, SCHMIDLAPP.

I'VE BEEN VERY PATIENT WITH YOU.

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING

ABOUT THAT DISGRACEFUL BUSINESS

OF YOUR ATTACKING THAT RUSSIAN GIRL.

THAT COULD VERY EASILY HAVE GOT US

INTO A VERY DIFFICULT SITUATION,

BUT I NEVER SAID A THING.

BUT THERE IS ONE THING

I AM NOT GOING TO STAND FOR, SCHMIDLAPP,

AND THAT IS THE WAY

YOU TIE UP HOFFMAN ALL THE TIME.

[BELL DINGS]

DO YOU HEAR ME, SCHMIDLAPP?

YEAH, I HEAR YOU.

LIKE I SAID BEFORE,

[SHOUTING] WHY DON'T YOU GO TAKE A--

[BELL DINGS]

SCHMIDLAPP, I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO TALK LIKE THAT.

YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE WAY UP THERE ON THE MOON,

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING I CAN THREATEN YOU WITH.

SCHMIDLAPP.

SCHMIDLAPP.

[BEEP]

TROUBLE IS...

THAT WAY UP THERE ON THE MOON,

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING I CAN THREATEN HIM WITH.

WELL?

I HEAR YOU STRUCK OUT AGAIN LAST NIGHT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I MAKE IT MY BUSINESS TO KNOW THESE THINGS.

SHE WALKED OUT ON YOU IN THE RESTAURANT,

AND LATER, WHEN YOU WENT UP TO HER APARTMENT,

SHE WOULDN'T LET YOU IN.

WELL, THERE WAS

JUST A CHAIN OF UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES--

OH, KNOCK IT OFF, MATTEMORE.

YOU'RE DEAD WITH THAT GIRL AND YOU KNOW IT.

SHE HATES YOUR GUTS.

[CLICK]

LET ME KNOW WHEN MISS DAVENPORT GETS HERE,

WILL YOU?

Woman, on phone: OH, SHE'S HERE NOW, SIR.

SHE IS?

OH, WELL, SEND HER IN.

MISS WHO?

NOW, DON'T START THAT.

YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY MORE TIME.

LET'S JUST PRAY

YOU DO A LITTLE BIT BETTER WITH MISS DAVENPORT

THAN YOU DID WITH MISS FORBES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WEATHER BUREAU'S DOING

IN THIS BUSINESS OF FINDING GIRLS FOR YOU, ANYWAY.

Pete: WELL, IT CERTAINLY WASN'T MY ID--

AHH!

MISS DAVENPORT, GOOD MORNING.

MAY I INTRODUCE

THE CHARMING AND ATTRACTIVE MR. MATTEMORE,

WHO, AS I TOLD YOU ON THE TELEPHONE,

HAS BEEN SO ANXIOUS TO MEET YOU.

MISS DAVENPORT, M-MR. MATTEMORE.

HOW DO YOU DO? OH!

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

Miss Davenport: THANK YOU.

WELL...

SHALL WE GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT?

I'VE BEEN BRIEFED ON THE WHOLE SITUATION

AND I UNDERSTAND ALL OF THE RAMIFICATIONS.

LET ME SAY RIGHT HERE AND NOW,

THAT I'M READY TO GO.

GOOD GIRL.

MATTEMORE. YES, SIR?

WHEN IS THE MARRIAGE TO BE SCHEDULED?

WILL I HAVE A CHANCE TO VISIT

MY FAMILY IN SAN DIEGO?

IT DOESN'T MATTER. I WON'T INSIST.

FINE! ISN'T EVERYTHING FINE, MATTEMORE?

WHY, YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT--

NO! EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE!

MISS DAVENPORT AND I HARDLY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER!

KNOW EACH OTHER?

WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

WELL, IT'S GOT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH EVERYTHING!

I MEAN, WE--WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LIVE WITH

FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!

WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, MR. MATTEMORE,

IS THE GREATEST SCIENTIFIC OPPORTUNITY

THAT 2 PEOPLE HAVE EVER BEEN GIVEN.

AND WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT,

WHAT IS MARRIAGE, ANYHOW?

1/2 HOUR A DAY, AT MOST.

1/2 HOUR?

IS THAT TOO MUCH TIME OR TOO LITTLE?

EVERY DAY?

I MEAN...

WHAT I MEAN IS,

WHAT ABOUT THE SPIRITUAL ASPECT OF MARRIAGE?

FOR PETE'S SAKE, MATTEMORE,

YOU SOUND LIKE A 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY, MR. QUONSET--

MATTEMORE, THE IMPORTANT THING

IS THAT MISS DAVENPORT

IS READY AND WILLING

TO GO TO THE MOON WITH YOU ON THURSDAY.

YOU DON'T RUN ACROSS A GIRL LIKE THAT

EVERY DAY.

I UNDERSTAND THAT, SIR,

BUT I'M MERELY TRYING TO--

MATTEMORE, FORGET THIS SPIRITUAL BUSINESS.

MRS. QUONSET AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED

FOR 23 YEARS,

AND DURING THE WHOLE OF THAT TIME

WE HAVE NEVER--

I REPEAT, NEVER--

HAD A SINGLE SOLITARY SPIRITUAL MOMENT

BETWEEN US.

I'M AFRAID WE'RE WASTING TIME, GENTLEMEN.

I'LL BE EXPECTING

TO HEAR FROM YOUR OFFICE, MR. QUONSET.

IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT ADVENTURE,

MR. MATTEMORE.

WELL--

THE GREATEST ADVENTURE THAT A MAN AND WOMAN

EVER EMBARKED ON.

OH!

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A MOST UNUSUAL GIRL.

YEAH, I WOULD CALL HER THAT, TOO.

WELL, IT'S TRUE SHE'S NOT THE SORT OF GIRL

YOU'D FALL IN LOVE WITH AT FIRST SIGHT.

AT FIRST SIGHT?!

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT SHE IS, MATTEMORE.

SHE'S QUALIFIED,

SHE'S AVAILABLE FOR THE TRIP THURSDAY,

AND SHE'S A GIRL.

IS THAT A WILD GUESS, MR. QUONSET,

OR DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING I DON'T?

MATTEMORE, WHY DON'T YOU

TRY AND LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

THIS WEDDING IS GOING TO BE

ONE OF THE BIGGEST THINGS IN YEARS.

YOU'LL HAVE TELEVISION COVERAGE,

NEWSREELS, AND WHO KNOWS?

YOU MAY EVEN GET A TELEPHONE CALL

FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HIMSELF.

MR. QUONSET,

IF YOU COULD JUST FORGET YOUR POSITION

FOR JUST A MOMENT

AND LEVEL WITH ME,

WOULD YOU MARRY A GIRL LIKE THAT?

MATTEMORE.

I DID.

I DID MARRY A GIRL LIKE THAT.

YOU DID MARRY A--OH!

HI.

WELL, HELLO.

I, UH, HAD NO PLACE TO GO,

SO I THOUGHT I'D COME OVER HERE.

NOW, THAT'S NOT THE MOST FLATTERING THING

I'VE EVER HEARD,

BUT I'LL SKIP IT FOR THE MOMENT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN?

YEAH, THANK YOU.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT TO BE UNFLATTERING.

WELL, HERE'S TO YOUR LAST NIGHT ON EARTH.

I MEAN, FOR A YEAR.

THAT'S BETTER.

YOU KNOW, IT STILL SEEMS INCREDIBLE TO ME

THAT IN A VERY FEW HOURS,

YOU'LL BE UP THERE...

LOOKING DOWN AT US HERE.

[GIGGLES]

YEAH, AND WONDERING WHAT YOU'LL BE DOING.

OH, I WON'T BE DOING A THING,

EXCEPT MAYBE KICKING MYSELF

FOR NOT GOING ALONG.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S STILL NOT TOO LATE.

I KNOW, PETER, BUT...

I...

IF YOU FEEL TOO STRONGLY ABOUT IT, NATURALLY--

I DO FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT IT.

I'VE BEEN DYING TO GO

EVER SINCE THE FIRST MINUTE

WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

ONE OF THE TROUBLES WITH LIFE, PETER,

IS THAT YOU'RE STUCK WITH THE WAY

YOU'RE BROUGHT UP.

YOU'RE TAUGHT TO LOOK AT THINGS A CERTAIN WAY,

AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

THAT'S THE WAY YOU SEE IT.

YOU KNOW, I ALMOST CALLED YOU THE OTHER NIGHT.

Peter: YOU DID?

YEAH. I HAD AN IDEA.

BUT I--I KNOW IT COULDN'T WORK.

WELL, WHAT WAS IT?

I MEAN...

WELL, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER

'CAUSE IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO KNOW,

JUST AS A MATTER OF CONVERSATION.

WELL, I WAS JUST THINKING.

WHY COULDN'T WE GO AHEAD

WITH THE WEDDING CEREMONY

AND SORT OF HAVE A MARRIAGE IN NAME ONLY?

[LAUGHS]

YOU MEAN LIKE AND NEVER CONSUMMATE IT?

YEAH.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WELL, I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT THEY HAD IN MIND

WHEN THEY BEGAN THIS EXPERIMENT.

YEAH, IT WOULDN'T WORK, WOULD IT?

HA HA!

WELL, I COULD BE CRAZIER THAN SCHMIDLAPP IN 2 DAYS.

I JUST THOUGHT

2 INTELLIGENT ADULT PEOPLE,

WELL, SURELY THEY COULD TRUST THEMSELVES.

OH, OH, I TRUST YOU COMPLETELY.

IT'S--I WOULD--

IT IS A SHAME, THOUGH.

OH, YES.

YES, IT IS. IT REALLY IS A SHAME.

WELL, I, UH...

I GUESS I BETTER GET GOING.

YEAH.

GOOD-BYE.

GOOD-BYE.

UH, EILEEN...

YES?

I WAS WONDERING,

WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT IF I KISSED YOU GOOD-BYE?

[LAUGHS]

YOU'RE STILL GOING A LONG WAY.

[CLEARS THROAT]

GOOD-BYE.

[KNOCKING]

AHH!

I SURRENDER UNCONDITIONALLY.

I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY,

BUT, PLEASE, DON'T LET ME GO UP THERE

WITH ESTHER DAVENPORT.

OH, PETER, I--

I KNOW I'LL PROBABLY GO OUT OF MY MIND,

BUT I WOULD MUCH PREFER GOING CRAZY WITH YOU

THAN WITH ANYBODY ELSE I KNOW.

HADN'T YOU BETTER THINK IT OVER?

YOU KNOW, YOU SAID YOURSELF--

I--I DID THINK IT OVER, AND FORGET WHAT I SAID.

I MEAN, YOU JUST MAKE THE CONDITIONS

AND I AGREE TO THEM.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WELL, IF YOU'RE SURE...

OH, YES, I'M SURE. I'M POSITIVE. OKAY?

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I KISSED YOU GOOD-BYE AGAIN?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

I'M GOING WITH YOU.

OH, YEAH.

I'LL SEE YOU.

OKAY.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M ON MY WAY.

[SIRENS WAIL]

[MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Man: HEY, MR. MATTEMORE,

ONE MORE, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER LOUDSPEAKER]

[HORN BLOWS]

[HORN BLOWS]

[HORN BLOWS]

[HORN BLOWS]

[APPLAUSE]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE TIME IS?

WHERE IN THE DEVIL HAVE YOU BEEN?

WELL, THEY WERE JUST--

THERE'S NO TIME FOR EXPLANATIONS.

COME ALONG, PLEASE.

GET ON WITH IT.

[CLEARS THROAT]

PLEASE, HURRY.

DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED---

YES, WE ONLY HAVE A MINUTE AND A HALF

BEFORE LIFTOFF, WE SHALL HAVE TO DO THIS

IN THE ELEVATOR ON THE WAY UP.

PLEASE...

COME ALONG.

THAT'S ALL I'M AFRAID.

MATTEMORE, NOT YOU!

[HORN BLOWS]

[HISSING]

WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR NOW?

[CLANG]

OH, YES.

DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE--

YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT

WITH ALL THAT IN THERE.

JUST CUT TO THE POINT

WHERE EVERYBODY AGREES TO TAKE EVERYBODY.

OH, YES.

DO YOU, PETER MATTEMORE, TAKE EILEEN FORBES

TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I DO.

I LEFT OUT TO LOVE AND TO CHERISH

TILL DEATH DO US PART.

THAT'S THE LOVELIEST PART OF THE CEREMONY.

GOOD. I HATE THAT PART.

CONGRATULATIONS.

I HAVEN'T ASKED HER IF SHE TAKES HIM YET.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SHE DOES. HA.

WON'T BE LEGAL, IF I DON'T ASK HER.

WELL, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, ASK HER.

WE'RE NEARLY AT THE TOP.

THANK YOU.

UH, DEARLY BELOVED--

YEAH, YOU'VE SAID THAT ALREADY.

I DID? YES.

OH. OH, EILEEN FORBES,

DO YOU TAKE PETER MATTEMORE

TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?

I DO.

GOOD. CONGRATULATIONS.

HAVEN'T PRONOUNCED THEM MAN AND WIFE YET.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, PRONOUNCE THEM.

WE ONLY HAVE 45 SECONDS LEFT.

THANK YOU.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

[SIGHS]

Quonset: GOOD!

EVERYBODY OUT.

A WORD OF ADVICE TO THE NEWLYWEDS--

LATER, LATER.

THIS IS DEUCE HAWKINS,

YOUR SPACE PILOT ON YOUR TRIP TO THE MOON.

MRS. MATTEMORE.

HELLO. HOW DO YOU DO?

WILL YOU, PLEASE, STEP IN?

BYE. BYE.

BYE. RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS MR. MATTEMORE.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO? I TAKE IT

YOU'VE MADE THIS TRIP BEFORE, MR. HAWKINS?

WELL, NOT RECENTLY.

I'VE BEEN LAID OFF FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS.

AHH!

[MAN COUNTING OVER LOUDSPEAKER]

WHY?

WHY WHAT?

I MEAN, WHY HAS HE BEEN LAID OFF?

DRINKING. WE DON'T BRING IT UP.

HE'S VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT IT.

OH!

HE'S SENSITIVE ABOUT--

[MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY OVER LOUDSPEAKER]

HE'S DR--DRINK...

OH!

Man, on loudspeaker: 30 SECONDS.

[HORN BLOWS]

20 SECONDS.

PETER, HOLD THIS FOR A SECOND.

YEAH.

HERE WE GO.

15 SECONDS.

10, 9, 8...

7, 6, 5...

4, 3, 2...

1, 0.

[SCREAMS]

THEY'RE GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE NOW.

THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS TO HELP ME

CLEAN UP THE PLACE A LITTLE BIT.

LOOK AT YOU, GRAVY ALL OVER YOU.

JUST LOOK AT THIS PLACE, IT'S A FILTHY PIG STY.

SCHMIDLAPP!

DO YOU REALIZE THIS COMPUTER

HAS BEEN GUMMED UP FOR A WEEK

FROM THOSE LOUSY, MEXICAN REFRIED BEANS OF YOURS?

MAYBE IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR US

TO LIVE LIKE SWINE, SCHMIDLAPP,

BUT MATTEMORE IS BRINGING UP A WIFE.

THIS MORNING, WHEN I UNBOLTED OUR BUNKS

FROM THE WALL

TO MAKE A DOUBLE BED FOR THEM,

WHAT DO YOU THINK I FOUND IN YOUR BLANKETS?

2 3-WEEK-OLD CHICKEN ENCHILADAS.

UH-HUH. MMM.

IS THAT ANYTHING FOR A BRAND-NEW BRIDE

TO FIND IN HER WEDDING BED?

DO YOU HEAR ME, SCHMIDLAPP?

DO YOU EVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING I SAY?

[DING]

Mattemore: LUNA III,

CALLING MOON STATION.

LUNA III, CALLING MOON STATION.

THIS IS UNITED STATES, MOON STATION.

IS THAT YOU, MATTEMORE?

Mattemore YES, THIS IS ME.

IS THAT YOU, HOFFMAN?

YES, THIS IS ME.

IT'S MATTEMORE!

OH, I'VE NEVER BEEN SO GLAD

TO HEAR FROM ANYBODY IN MY LIFE.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO HEAR

FROM YOU, TOO, HOFFMAN.

WE'RE IN LUNAR ORBIT

AND WE JUST FIRED OUR RETRO ROCKETS,

AND WE SHOULD BE THERE

IN A FEW MINUTES.

OOH, I WISH YOU'D GIVEN US

MORE NOTICE, MATTEMORE.

HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO SHAVE YET.

WELL, IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

WE'VE ALREADY GOTTEN INTO OUR SPACE SUITS

AND WE'RE COMING IN.

SEE YOU IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

THIS IS LUNA III OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, YOU HEARD HIM.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO SHAVE.

BUT ONE THING WE ARE GOING TO DO, SCHMIDLAPP.

WE'RE GOING TO GET ALL THOSE FILTHY DRAWINGS

OF YOURS DOWN OFF THE WALLS.

HOW DO YOU THINK A YOUNG GIRL'S GOING TO REACT

WHEN SHE WALKS IN HERE AND FINDS THESE

LEWD, FOWL THINGS OF YOURS ALL OVER THE PLACE?

THESE FILTHY THINGS HAVE GOT TO COME DOWN!

OH, SCHMIDLAPP,

AREN'T YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?

BLAH!

[DING]

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU SMELL LIKE

AFTER ALL THIS TIME, SCHMIDLAPP?

NO.

YOU ARE A SLOB!

A DIRTY, FILTHY, NO GOOD SLOB!

[SPACE SHOES BOUNCING]

[HISSING]

WELCOME.

WELCOME.

WELCOME TO THE MOON.

I'M HOFFMAN.

UH, MATTEMORE.

AND THIS IS, UH, MRS. MATTEMORE.

I WANT TO WALK WITH HER.

AAH!

WELL, LOOK, MATTEMORE,

I THINK WE BETTER GET MRS. MATTEMORE IN BETWEEN US

AND KEEP HER THERE UNTIL WE GET INSIDE THE MOON STATION.

WHY?

WELL, UH, SHE--

I WANT TO WALK WITH HER.

NEVER MIND. JUST GRAB ONE ARM, I'LL GRAB THE OTHER.

I WANT TO WALK WITH HER!

AND THEN DON'T LET LOOSE, WHATEVER YOU DO.

I'M GOING TO WALK WITH HER.

SCHMIDLAPP!

I WANT TO WALK WITH HER.

LET ME WALK WITH HER A LITTLE.

ALL RIGHT, PLEASE, LET ME WALK WITH HER.

JUST KEEP YOUR DISTANCE, SCHMIDLAPP.

REMEMBER, THERE ARE 2 OF US NOW AND YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED.

LET ME HOLD HER HAND.

A LITTLE SOMETHING.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE WAY THIS PLACE LOOKS, MATTEMORE,

BUT, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOU'RE BACHING.

YEAH.

[SLAM]

[WATER TURNS ON]

[HUMMING]

OH, IT'S BEEN A MESS

TRYING TO KEEP ANY KIND OF ORDER UP HERE AT ALL.

AND THAT ONE, HE COULDN'T CARE LESS

IF THE GRIME WAS 3 FEET THICK.

YOU BETTER PUT THOSE BOOTS ON.

WHAT FOR?

WELL, THEY'RE A SPECIAL BOOT

DESIGNED TO TAKE CARE OF THE LOW GRAVITY UP HERE.

IF YOU DON'T PUT THEM ON...

[WHOOSH]

SAIL AROUND ALL OVER THE ROOM

EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A STEP.

WHAT'S SHE DOING IN THERE?

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

MATTEMORE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

WHAT HIS WIFE IS DOING IN THERE.

WHY?

WHAT IS SHE DOING?

SHE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING,

IS SHE, MATTEMORE?

HUH?

OH, NO. THAT IS, I DON'T THINK SO.

THERE, YOU SEE. SO JUST QUIT USING THAT

AWFUL, FILTHY, IMAGINATION OF YOURS

AND GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.

IS SHE TAKING A SHOWER?

WHY? WHAT'S IT TO YOU?

IS SHE?

YOU--OH, I'M SORRY.

LISTEN, I THINK,

FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE CONCERNED,

THAT WE'D BETTER LIFT OFF JUST AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

I'LL GO OVER EVERYTHING WITH YOU.

AND THEN WE'LL GET OUT OF HERE.

MAYBE SHE'S TAKING A BATH...

WITHOUT ANYTHING ON.

HOW DARE YOU!

TO SAY A THING LIKE THAT WITH HER HUSBAND

SITTING RIGHT IN THE SAME ROOM WITH YA.

I--I'M SURPRISED THAT MATTEMORE

DOESN'T HORSEWHIP YA.

YEAH. HMPH.

OF COURSE, IF-- IF SHE IS TAKING A BATH,

IT-- HEH-- NATURALLY IT'D BE WITHOUT ANYTHING ON.

[PANTING]

[EILEEN SINGING]

[DOOR RUSTLING]

I MEAN-- HEH, IT JUST STANDS TO REASON.

DOESN'T IT?

WHAT STANDS TO REASON?

THAT SHE'D BE DOING IT WITHOUT ANYTHING ON.

WELL, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO--

WELL, HOW WOULD I KNOW?!

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

DON'T YOU EVER LOOK?

WELL--

DON'T YOU EVEN-- EVEN CARE?

WELL, SURE-- WHOO!

I WOULD.

YOU SEEM TO FORGET THAT WE WERE MARRIED

ONLY MINUTES BEFORE THE LIFT-OFF.

OH, YEAH. YEAH, I FORGOT.

BUT EVEN SO, I JUST NATURALLY ASSUMED...

YOU ASSUME WHAT?

OH, REALLY, MATTEMORE.

EVEN IF YOU TWO HAD JUMPED THE GUN A LITTLE BIT,

THIS ISN'T 1960 IS IT?

MAYBE SHE'S ONE OF THOSE GIRLS

WHO SOAPS HERSELF ALL OVER.

AND THEN GETS INTO THE TUB.

WELL, UH--

OH, SHUT UP!

WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING--

OH-- [LAUGHING]

OH, YOU'RE TALKING TO HIM.

WELL, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY I TOOK SO LONG.

OHH...

YOU KNOW, I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND VERY SILLY TO YOU,

BUT I USUALLY SOAP MYSELF ALL OVER

BEFORE I GET INTO THE TUB.

HONEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE ANY EXPLANATION.

WE--WE WERE TALKING ABOUT--A MAN'S WIFE--

NO, SCHMID-- NO, SCHMIDLAPP!

THAT'S MY WIFE!

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE CARE OF SCHMIDLAPP!

YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF HIM, BECAUSE--

SCHMIDLAPP!

SCHMIDLAPP!

SCHMIDLAPP!

ALL RIGHT, MATTEMORE,

IF YOU CARE ANYTHING ABOU THAT GIRL AT ALL,

PROTECT HER!

SCHMIDLAPP,

JUST, UH, HOLD IT THERE FOR A FEW--

WHOA!

[THUD]

MM--MM.

AAH! SHE TOOK A SHOWER!

YOU BETTER STOP!

WHOA! WHOA!

A SHOWER! OH, LISTEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, BOY, THIS IS--

OH, SHUT UP, SCHMIDLAPP!

LET ME GO, I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO HER.

I'M WARNING YOU FOR THE LAST TIME, SHUT UP!

I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING. I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS.

OH, YOU--HA HA HA!

WHEN YOU DO UNTIE HIM?

WHEN I RENDEZVOUS WITH DEUCE IN THE MAIN SHIP

AND GET SOME HELP.

NOTHING'S GONNA HELP YOU, HOFFMAN!

YOU NO GOOD-- [CLICK]

[NO AUDIO]

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SCHMIDLAPP GETS BACK

AND THERE'S GIRLS ALL OVER THE PLACE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.

IF I JUST GET HIM TO GO BACK TO DIVINITY SCHOOL.

WELL, WELL...

HOLD ON TO HIM, MATTEMORE.

YOU ALL RIGHT, SCHMID? SCHMIDLAPP!

ALL RIGHT, BRING HIM UP, MATTEMORE.

RIGHT. YOU OKAY, SCHMIDY?

LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND, SCHMIDLAPP.

UP YOU GO.

THAT'S IT.

IN YOU GO, SCHMIDLAPP.

WATCH IT.

I'VE GOT HIM, MATTEMORE!

TAKE CARE, HOFFMAN. GOOD LUCK.

GOOD LUCK, MATTEMORE.

SO LONG.

WELL, THERE THEY GO.

YEAH, AND, UH...

WE'RE ALL ALONE UP HERE NOW.

TIRED?

YEAH, KINDA. CAN'T REMEMBER

THE LAST TIME WE HAD ANY SLEEP.

WELL, UH, IT WAS 72 HOURS AGO.

HEH, IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

TO GO TO BED, DON'T YOU THINK?

OH! NOW WAIT A MINUTE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

NOTHING...EXCEPT WHAT I SAID.

IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO GO TO SLEEP.

AFTER 72 HOURS, YOU'RE SLEEPY,

AND THE BEST THING FOR THAT IS...GETTING SOME.

OH.

YEAH. I'M SORRY, PETER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT

THE THINGS YOU SAY SO MUCH,

IT'S...SOMETIMES YOU HAVE

A VERY PECULIAR WAY OF SAYING THEM.

EILEEN, WHAT'S SO PECULIAR

ABOUT AFTER 72 HOURS WITHOUT ANY SLEEP

TO WANT TO GO TO BED AND GET SOME?

ALL RIGHT, I SAID I WAS SORRY, DIDN'T I?

I'M GETTING UNDRESSED!

MMM.

HEY, DO YOU MIND?!

HEY, I JUST WANNA BRUSH MY TEETH!

OH, I'LL BET!

WELL, IF THAT SOUNDS OVERLY SEXY,

THAN I'M DEAD EVERY TIME I ASK FOR A DRINK OF WATER

OR THE TIME OF DAY.

LISTEN, MR.-- MATTEMORE!

I KNOW YOUR NAME!

WELL, THEN USE IT!

LISTEN, MR. MATTEMORE, I DON'T HAPPEN

TO THINK ANYTHING YOU DO OR SAY

IS PARTICULARLY SEXY.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? HA!

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW

WHAT THE TROUBLE WITH YOU IS, HONEY?

NO, HONEY, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH ME?

YOU'RE ALWAYS READY TO SAY NO

BEFORE ANYBODY ASKS YOU!

AHH!

OH, IS THAT THE TROUBLE WITH ME,

HUH, HONEY?

IMAGINE THAT!

[IMITATING EILEEN] IMAGINE THAT!

OH, IS THAT THE TROUBLE WITH ME? IMAGINE THAT!

OH, IS THAT THE TROUBLE WITH ME?

[NORMAL VOICE] YEAH, THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH YOU!

BEFORE ANYBODY ASKS YA!

[SIGHS]

[WHISTLING]

ON MY HONEYMOON. NEWLYWED.

[BEEP]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING ON TV]

[FRANKENSTEIN SCREAMING]

[BEEP]

[HORSES GALLOPING ON TV]

[GUNSHOTS]

[SHOUTING]

[BEEP]

INCIDENTALLY, I'M CURIOUS TO KNOW

JUST EXACTLY WHAT YOUR STAND

ON CIVIL RIGHTS REALLY IS,

SENATOR ASTONGRAPPLE.

WELL, YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT MY STAND

ON CIVIL RIGHTS IS, SIR.

I'M FOR CIVIL RIGHTS.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN FOR CIVIL RIGHTS.

IT'S JUST THAT WE DON'T LIKE TO BE RUSHED

AND HURRIED INTO THESE THINGS.

ALL WE'RE ASKING FOR IS JUST A LITTLE BIT OF TIME!

I'M SORRY, SENATOR,

YOUR TIME HAS RUN OUT.

NEXT WEEK ON WASHINGTON INTERVIEW,

ELDER STATESMAN RICHARD M. NIXON

WILL COME OUT OF RETIREMENT

TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ON WHAT CAN BE DONE

TO REUNITE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SENATOR PAPPENAPPLE.

ASTONGRAPPLE.

I.J. ASTONGRAPPLE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT. [BEEP]

[SIGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[KNOCK]

DO YOU--OOH! WAS IT YOU?

NO! I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU!

NO. MAYBE IT'S COMING FROM THERE.

I DON'T THINK SO.

I THINK IT'S OUT THERE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS COMING FROM THERE.

THAT'S WHY I--

GO SEE WHAT IT IS.

YEAH, I'M GONNA FIND OUT,

BECAUSE WHEN I HEARD THE KNOCK, UH--

COME ON, PETER.

ALL RIGHT, EILEEN, DON'T PUSH.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MAN

ON THIS EXPEDITION!

I AM THE MAN! JUST RELAX AND GO--

SEE WHAT IT IS!

ALL RIGHT, STOP BEING SO NERVOUS!

RELAX!

RELAX?!

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A FIGURE IN A SPACE SUIT.

WELL, WHAT'S IT DOING?

[KNOCKING]

IT'S WAVING AND KNOCKING.

WHAT DOES IT WANT?

IT WANTS TO COME IN!

YEAH?

WELL, LET'S LET IT IN.

OKAY.

NO! WHAT?

IT'S SCHMIDLAPP.

HE'S KILLED HOFFMAN, AND HE'S BACK!

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

IT'S TOO BIG.

YEAH?

WE BETTER LET IT IN AND SEE.

OKAY.

PUSH THE BUTTON, PETER.

WELL, YOU GET ME SO NERVOUS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

IS IT IN?

NOT YET. [THUD]

NOW IT'S IN. OH!

GIVE ME YOUR GUN.

I DON'T HAVE A GUN!

THAT MAKES 2 OF US.

GET SOMETHING TO PROTECT US IN CASE.

YEAH? WHAT--

FIND SOMETHING.

HEY, PETER. IS THIS OKAY?

FINE.

PETER, WOULD YOU--

ALL RIGHT, NOW, JUST RELAX!

MY HERO HUSBAND!

ALL RIGHT. HMM.

JUST COOL IT.

HELLO.

HELLO.

I'M ANNA SOBLOVA. AND YOU?

PETER MATTEMORE.

PETER.

UH-HUH.

PETER!

UH-HUH.

PETER!

THAT'S MY WIFE.

I'M HIS WIFE, MRS. MATTEMORE.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?

I'M ANNA SOBLOVA.

YES, WE KNOW.

THE RUSSIAN COSMONAUT.

YEAH. MM-HMM.

FROM A LITTLE TOWN OUTSIDE OF MOSCOW.

HMM.

OH, HOW NICE.

SAY, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN?

YEAH.

RIGHT OVER HERE.

THANK YOU. I CAME RIGHT OVER

AS SOON I SAW THOSE OTHER TWO LEAVING.

OH, YOU MUST BE THE GIRL

THAT SCHMIDLAPP ATTACKED LAST WEEK.

OH, YES, HE WAS ALWAYS ATTACKING ME.

I CAME OVER FOR A CUP OF COFFEE, ATTACK.

I GO OUTSIDE FOR A FEW MINUTES,

ANOTHER ATTACK.

OH, YOU DON'T HOW WONDERFUL IT'S GOING TO BE

TO HAVE ANOTHER GIRL UP HERE

TO KIND OF... SHARE THE LOAD? HA HA.

HA!

[CHUCKLES]

I CAME OVER TO GET ACQUAINTED

AND ALSO TO ASK A LITTLE FAVOR.

WHAT ARE NEIGHBORS FOR?

I WONDERED IF YOU'D MIND IF I SPENT THE NIGHT HERE?

SPEND THE NIGHT?

WELL, YES, YOU SEE, IGOR AND I

HAD A LITTLE FIGHT,

AND I'D LIKE TO TEACH HIM A LESSON.

IGOR JUST CAN'T STAND TO SLEEP ALONE AT NIGHT.

HE'S GOING TO GO CRAZY! HA HA HA!

I SEE.

IGOR'S LIKE A BULL.

HE'S BAD ENOUGH DURING THE 14 DAYS OF DAYLIGHT,

BUT NOW, AT THE BEGINNING OF 14 DAYS OF NIGHTS...

I SEE.

NATURALLY, WE'RE LOOKING FORWARD

TO MEETING YOUR HUSBAND, AREN'T WE?

OH, THAT'S WHAT NEIGHBORS ARE FOR.

WHO?

YOUR HUSBAND.

OH, YOU MUST MEAN IGOR.

HE'S NOT MY HUSBAND.

HE'S JUST A MAN THEY SENT ME UP HERE WITH.

OH, I SEE.

HA, WE HARDLY KNEW EACH OTHER

TILL THE DAY WE GOT HERE.

BUT FORTUNATELY, IGOR IS VERY EASY TO KNOW.

HA HA.

[CHUCKLES]

IT MUST SEEM RATHER STRANGE FOR YOU AMERICANS.

I MEAN, UH, IGOR AND I NOT BEING MARRIED.

UH, STRANGE? NO, ON THE CONTRARY.

I THINK IT'S VERY SOPHISTICATED.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S SOPHISTICATED, EILEEN?

YES, IT'S VERY SOPHISTICATED.

SHE THINKS IT'S SOPHISTICATED, TOO.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S THE WAY YOU WERE BROUGHT UP.

HA HA. MY MOTHER WAS NEVER MARRIED, YOU KNOW.

SHE WASN'T?

NO, BUT MY FATHER WAS.

OH.

BUT NOT TO MY MOTHER.

[CHUCKLES]

WELL, THAT'S WHAT NEIGHBORS ARE FOR.

SEE, THE MOTHER AND THE FATHER,

EXCEPT THAT THEY--

I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK I'M RUDE OR ANYTHING,

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE HAVEN'T HAD ANY SLEEP

FOR ABOUT 3 DAYS NOW,

AND WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO GO TO BED

WHEN YOU CAME.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD.

UM, OKAY. WELL, UH, I GUESS

YOU CAN SLEEP IN THERE WITH ME.

SLEEP WITH YOU? ON YOUR HONEYMOON?

OH, I WOULD NEVER THINK OF A THING LIKE THAT.

I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T--

I BET YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

YOU CAN BET I WOULDN'T.

I--WELL, I MEAN--

IGOR AND I WOULD NEVER HEAR OF SUCH NONSENSE.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

WELL, DON'T GIVE ME ANOTHER THOUGHT.

I SLEEP RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH.

YOU SEE, I EVEN BROUGHT MY NIGHTIE.

HERE, YOU LIKE IT?

YOU GOT THIS IN MOSCOW?

IGOR DID. HE GOT ME 6.

I HAD A HUNCH IGOR HAD SOMETHING TO DO

WITH BUYING THAT. HA HA HA.

WELL...

I'LL GET YOU THE BLANKETS AND PILLOW.

BY THE WAY,

HOW MANY BLANKETS WOULD YOU LIKE, ONE OR TWO?

OH, JUST A PILLOW, PLEASE.

UH, SO YOUR, UH--

YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER WERE NOT MARRIED?

[BLOWS OUT MATCH]

PETER?

WELL, UH...

HERE'S YOUR PILLOW.

THANK YOU.

ISN'T THAT COMFY?

OH, VERY.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

COMING, PETER?

OH, YES.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL

YOU MIGHT WANT--

PETER!

I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.

JUST DON'T HESITATE TO CALL.

AS I SAID, IF THERE'S ANYTHING AT ALL--

WILL YOU CLOSE THE DOOR?

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

BOTH OF THEM!

OH.

OH, BOY.

WELL, IT'S JUST LIKE MR. QUONSET SAID IT WOULD BE.

JUST 2 SCIENTISTS OFF ON A SCIENTIFIC EXPEDITION, HUH?

WELL, THIS IS THE NUTTIEST EXPEDITION

I'VE EVER BEEN ON IN MY LIFE.

240,000 MILES AWAY FROM ANY PLACE, ANYWHERE.

AND WHAT DO WE HAVE THE FIRST NIGHT?

COMPANY. HMM.

WELL, COME ON, PETER, COME TO BED.

COME TO BED?

SURE. WHY FIGHT IT?

I HAVE A FEELING THAT DESTINY

HAS BEEN CONSPIRING AGAINST ME FOR AGES.

PETER! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!

YEAH, I DID FORGET.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL GET IN BED, EILEEN,

BUT I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN THAT I MADE A DEAL WITH YOU.

I MEAN, THAT I GAVE YOU MY WORD. I PROMISED.

WE HAVE AN AGREEMENT,

SO I'M GONNA SLEEP IN BETWEEN THE BLANKETS.

I'M NOT GETTING UNDER THE SHEETS.

BECAUSE WHEN I GIVE MY WORD, THAT'S IT.

A PROMISE IS A PROMISE.

I LIKE TO KEEP MY WORD WHEN I...GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY,

AND...YOU KNOW, THAT WAY, YOU HAVE A REPUTATION

OF BEING HONORABLE.

[SIGHING]

WELL, NOW, YOU DON'T THINK

THAT'S GONNA WORK, DO YOU?

NO, SIR.

THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN PREORDAINED!

FROM THE VERY FIRST MINUTE

IN THE EARLY 1920's,

WHEN PROFESSOR GODDARD STARTED EXPERIMENTING

WITH THOSE LITTLE TINY ROCKETS,

WAY OUT THERE IN THE NEW MEXICO DESERT,

HE WAS ALREADY SETTING IN MOTION

THE EVENTS THAT ARE ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE

IN THIS PARTICULAR BED

ON THIS PARTICULAR NIGHT.

SO WHAT'S THE USE OF ANYTHING, PETER?

AFTER ALL, THIS IS ONLY THE FIRST NIGHT.

I STILL HAVE 364 MORE TO GO.

ONE PUNY LITTLE GIRL

AGAINST THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE?

WHAT I'M REALLY TRYING TO SAY IS...

GO AHEAD, PETER.

TAKE ME. I'M YOURS.

[SNORING]

[MOANING]

[MUTTERING]

PETER!

[MUMBLING]

OH!

[MUMBLING]

[CRYING]

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WHAT'S A MATTER?

IT'S YOUR CRAZY RUSSIAN GIRLFRIEND.

HUH?

COME IN.

COME IN?

GUESS WHO'S HERE!

UH, THE MOISEYEV DANCERS.

NO, IT'S IGOR.

I KNEW HE COULDN'T STAND IT WITHOUT ME.

I CAN UNDERSTAND IT.

YOU TWO MIGHT AS WELL GET UP, BECAUSE I KNOW IGOR,

AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE'S GOING TO WANT TO DO.

WHAT IS--

IGOR GOING TO WANT TO DO?

OH, HE WANTS TO HAVE A VERY OLD-FASHIONED RUSSIAN PARTY.

SO HURRY UP NOW.

OOH.

DO YOU KNOW THAT IF SOMEBODY SAID TO ME,

"HEY, YOU'RE GOING TO THE MOON,

"AND WHEN YOU GET THERE,

YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU WISH."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D WISH FOR?

YEAH. A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED RUSSIAN PARTY.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WELL, THANK HEAVENS I HAD A NIGHT'S SLEEP.

AFTER 8 HOURS, AT LEAST YOU CAN GO,

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU GOT SOME ENERGY.

A PARTY IS GOOD TO GO TO

ONCE YOU'VE REALLY RESTED, YOU KNOW?

MMM. [SNORING]

PETER!

OH, AT LEAST ANOTHER NAP.

[LAUGHING]

OH.

OH!

[RUSSIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

OH, OH, OH!

OH, HEY, OH, HEY!

[SHOUTING ALONG TO MUSIC]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[LAUGHING]

[SLURRING] WHAT ARE YOU, A PARTY POOPER?

WHAT ARE YOU, A SPOIL SPORT?

[SLURRING] NO! I'M NOT A SPOIL SPORT.

I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE

A LITTLE AMERICAN MUSIC, TOO.

OH, I LOVE AMERICAN MUSIC!

[TURNS MUSIC ON] [LAUGHING]

[CRASH] WHOO! GOLDIE!

[LAUGHING]

TOO CLOSE.

NOT CLOSE ENOUGH.

UH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET THAT CLOSE.

JUST, UH-- HEY, THAT'S MY WIFE!

WHEE! HA HA HA.

HELLO, PETER.

HELLO.

[COUGHS] THAT'S HIS OWN...

IT'S WONDERFUL.

[COUGHING]

WE'LL HAVE TO GET A REFILL.

YES.

A REFILL OF-- IGOR?

YEAH? IGOR?

WE NEED-- WHAT?

NO MORE WET.

DON'T GIVE IT ANOTHER THOUGHT.

LOOK, I HAVE CAPSULE.

YOU HOLD CAPSULE, I TAKE BOTTLE.

THIS WILL BE ANOTHER RUSSIAN FIRST,

AND THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

NOW, I HAVE BOTTLE. YOU HAVE CAPSULE.

SO, I TAKE CAPSULE.

NOW, I HAVE CAPSULE AND I HAVE BOTTLE, HUH?

GOOD. NOW, I NEED FUNNEL,

SO YOU HOLD CAPSULE.

I TAKE FUNNEL. I PUT FUNNEL IN BOTTLE.

I TAKE CAPSULE, AND NOW I NEED WATER.

SO YOU HOLD BOTTLE,

I TAKE CAPSULE AND WATER.

BUT I NEED BOTTLE. YOU HOLD CAPSULE,

I HAVE BOTTLE.

NOW, I PUT WATER IN BOTTLE.

YOU POUR CAPSULE. AHH.

I MIX IT UP, PUT MORE WATER.

SAY THE MAGIC WORDS, HUNKY, MONKEY, PUNKY!

VODKA! HA HA!

VODKA!

NO, NO, NO! DON'T DRINK VODKA WITH FUNNEL!

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU TAKE THE FUNNEL OUT OF--

[GAGGING]

YOU GOT THE FUNNEL, YOU FUNNY MAN!

THERE. DRINK THE VODKA, DRINK IT!

LOVE IT, LOVE THE VODKA!

HA HA, ANOTHER RUSSIAN FIRST!

DRINK TO LOVE!

VODKA! VODKA!

VODKA!

VODKA!

[BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY VODKA?

TO YOUR VODKA?

TOO MUCH VODKA!

[LAUGHING]

GIVE ME BACK MY VODKA.

MY CAPSULE. YOUR CAPSULE, RIGHT THERE.

CAPSULE. I HAVE VODKA FOR ANUSHKA!

GIVE ME YOUR GLASS, MY DARLING.

VODKA. MORE VODKA!

AH, 2 WORDS, MY DARLING.

AHH.

[LAUGHING]

ANUSHKA,

YOU'RE CRYING. WHY?

WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

I'D JUST LIKE TO ONCE--

WHAT'S THAT, DEAR, WHAT'S THAT?

HE GOT MARRIED TO HER.

WHY CAN'T YOU MARRY ME?

BECAUSE...

ANUSHKA, BECAUSE WE ARE SO HAPPY THIS WAY.

WHY TAKE A CHANCE? LOOK AT YOU.

YOU ARE SO YOUNG AND SO BEAUTIFUL!

I AM SO YOUNG AND SO BEAUTIFUL.

WHY...WHY SHOULD WE TAKE A CHANCE

TO SPOIL EVERYTHING, HUH?

IT'S NOT GOING TO SPOIL ANYTHING.

I JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED!

BUT WHY, MY LOVE? WHY, WHY, WHY?

WHY CAN'T WE GET MARRIED?

LIKE I SAID, ANUSHKA, FOR 1,000 TIMES,

I HAVE TOLD YOU,

WE ARE BOTH SO YOUNG AND SO BEAUTIFUL!

I WANT TO PROTECT YOU.

IT WOULD BE INDECENT IF WE GOT MARRIED.

IT'S NOT FOR ME, IT'S FOR YOU. FOR YOU!

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

YOU REALLY ARE SWEET, IGOR.

THAT'S RIGHT. I AM SWEET.

AND IT IS FOR YOU.

I AM NOT THINKING OF MYSELF, MY LOVE.

[ALARM SOUNDS]

QUIET. QUIET, EVERYBODY.

I'LL GET IT.

THAT MUST BE QUONSET FROM THE HOME OFFICE.

[BEEP]

MATTEMORE, MY BOY.

OH, QUONSET.

HOW'S EVERYTHING ON THE THIRD PLANET

FROM THE SUN?

EVERYTHING'S FINE DOWN HERE.

HOW ARE THINGS UP THERE?

OH, FINE, FINE.

EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S KNOCK OFF THE PLEASANTRIES, QUONSET.

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

YOU WANT A WEATHER REPORT?

NEVER MIND THE REPORT. HOW IS MRS. MATTEMORE?

OUT COLD.

WELL, DON'T WAKE HER. I'LL ONLY BE A MOMENT.

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT A RELIEF IT IS

TO HAVE 2 RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND MRS. MATTEMORE

UP THERE ON THE MOON.

AFTER THAT GHASTLY YEAR I HAD

WITH SCHMIDLAPP AND HOFFMAN.

OH, YEAH, THOSE TWO ARE REALLY A COUPLE OF

HAIRY DISASTER AREAS, WEREN'T THEY?

HA!

WELL, LET'S FORGET ABOUT THEM.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M PLANNING ON HAVING MY FIRST

REAL NIGHT'S SLEEP FOR MONTHS.

YOU AND MRS. MATTEMORE HAVE MY FULL CONFIDENCE,

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT--

YEAH, GO ON, WHAT'S THE MATTER, QUONSET?

WHERE DID YOU SAY MRS. MATTEMORE WAS?

OUT COLD. LIMP AS A DEAD CAT.

WELL, WHO WAS THAT?

WHO WAS WHAT?

WHO WAS THAT WHO JUST TIP-TOED ACROSS MY SCREEN?

ACROSS YOUR SCREEN?

SOMEBODY DRESSED IN A FAIRY'S COSTUME

JUST TIP-TOED ACROSS MY SCREEN!

I'M SORRY, I-- THERE SHE IS AGAIN!

THAT ISN'T MRS. MATTEMORE!

WHO ISN'T MRS. MATTEMORE?

THAT HALF-NAKED FAIRY ISN'T MRS. MATTEMORE.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?

HAVE YOU GOT HER TIED UP SOMEWHERE?

TIED UP? JUST AS WE THOUGHT.

WE ALWAYS SUSPECTED YOU HAD A LITTLE BOTTLE

DOWN IN THE DRAWER OF THE DESK, QUONSET.

BEEN NIPPIN' A LITTLE, BABY?

DON'T GIVE ME THAT, MATTEMORE!

I INSIST ON SEEING YOUR WIFE!

HE WANTS TO SEE MY WIFE, MATTEMORE.

NO, I'M MATTEMORE.

WELL, I JUST SENT FOR HER,

SO HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTONS.

[LAUGHING]

[EILEEN GIGGLING]

[EILEEN SLURRING INDISTINCTLY]

WHOA-OAH!

HOLY MOLY!

[CRASH]

[CRASH]

Quonset: WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE?

OH, NOTHING, QUONSET.

WE WERE JUST HAVING A LITTLE, UH--

I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE HAVING A LITTLE OF,

AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANYTHING.

ALL I WANTED WAS ONE GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP,

AND I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU SPOIL THAT FOR ME, MATTEMORE.

I'M NOT GONNA THINK ABOUT YOU ANYMORE TONIGHT.

I'M GOING TO THINK ABOUT YOU IN THE MORNING.

I'M GOING TO BLOT YOU RIGHT OUT OF MY MIND.

[BEEP]

HEY!

HEY, YOU GOT YOUR FEET ALL OVER MY WIFE'S LEGS.

A TOAST... TO YOUR WIFE'S... LEGS.

OH, DON'T WASTE IT, IGOR.

I NEED A GOOD STIFF DRINK.

EVERY TIME I TALK TO QUONSET I GET DEPRESSED.

I NEED A DRINK!

ALL GONE.

WHAT ABOUT THE VODKA? IGOR, YOU GOT MORE VODKA--

ONE MORE VODKA COMING RIGHT UP! ONE!

MORE VODKA.

AND I KNOW HOW TO FIX IT. I REMEMBER FROM LAST TIME.

THAT WE...MADE THE VODKA.

YOU NEED THE FUNNEL, AND...

[MUMBLING] NEED THE FUNNEL.

[WATER SLOSHING]

WHOA-HO. OH!

OH!

OOH.

YAY, PETER!

PETER! OH, PETER!

MY PAL, MY PAL, PETER!

MY PAL, PETER!

THAT IS THE MOST MAGNIFICENT EXHIBITION OF DRINKING

I HAVE EVER SEEN! ONE FULL QUART

OF 100 PROOF UKRAINIAN VODKA!

MUAH! MUAH!

IF YOU LIVE,

I SHALL SEE THAT YOU MAKE THE COVER OF PRAVDA!

PRAVDA! I LOVE-- MUAH!

HA HA!

OH-HO!

[SLURRING HEAVILY] YOU PUT YOUR LEG

ON MY WIFE'S LEG.

WHAT?

YOU PUT YOUR LEG ON MY WIFE'S LEG,

AND, UH, WE HAPPEN TO FROWN ON THAT IN AMERICA.

WE DON'T HAVE GUYS PUTTING THEIR LEGS

ON OUR WIFE'S LEGS.

[GASPS]

HEY, PAL.

DON'T DO THAT. DON'T DO THAT.

THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS IN AMERICA

WE FROWN ON THAT YOU RUSSIANS DO.

HERE.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHING]

DON'T TELL ME ABOUT AMERICA.

I WAS A SPY IN THE RUSSIAN EMBASSY

IN WASHINGTON FOR 4 YEARS. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

HA HA, YOU ADMIT IT!

HA HA, THAT'S RIGHT! I WAS A SPY!

I WAS A SPY!

AH, STEP OUTSIDE.

WHAT FOR?

IN AMERICA, THAT'S HOW WE SETTLE THINGS.

OKAY, PAL, WE STEP OUTSIDE.

COME, WE GO.

PETER, NOW LISTEN TO ME.

I'M COMING.

PETER! HMM?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK, YOU KNOW!

YOU JUST MIND YOUR BUSINESS!

ONE THING I DON'T LIKE ABOUT WIVES

IS BUTTIN' IN TO THEIR HUSBAND'S BUSINESS.

JUST MIND IT. JUST...MIND IT.

UGH.

OH-HO.

HEY.

IT MUST BE ROMANTIC TO HAVE YOUR HUSBAND

FIGHT OVER YOU.

HE MUST BE QUITE A LOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

HE'S JUST VERY MUCH DRUNK, THAT'S ALL.

WHOA!

OW!

[GROANING]

PETER?

HMM?

PETER?

HUH?

HI.

OH. HERE.

OH, I DON'T WANT TO DRINK ANYTHING.

PLEASE, DON'T GIVE ME NOTHING TO DRINK.

WHERE AM I?

IT'S ALL RIGHT, PETER. YOU'RE ON THE MOON.

ON THE MOON?

UH-HUH.

OH, OF COURSE. ON THE MOON.

THAT STUPID FIGHT.

IS IGOR ALL RIGHT?

YES, HE'S FINE.

DID I HURT HIM?

NO, PETER, YOU DIDN'T HURT HIM.

OH, WHERE IS HE? I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.

HE LEFT.

HE LEFT? WHEN?

2 DAYS AGO.

2 DAYS AGO?

MM-HMM.

I'VE BEEN LYING HERE LIKE THIS FOR 2 DAYS?

WAS IT IGOR WHEN HE--

NO, IT WASN'T IGOR.

IT WAS ONE QUART OF 100%, FULL PROOF,

INSTANT UKRAINIAN VODKA. THAT'S WHAT.

VODKA.

YOU DON'T KNOW

WHAT A MESS IT'S BEEN AROUND HERE!

EVERYBODY'S GOTTEN INTO THE ACT,

FROM THE PRESIDENT ON DOWN.

THE PRESIDENT?

THE PRESIDENT, THE VICE-PRESIDENT,

EVEN THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE.

WHAT ABOUT MR. QUONSET?

UGH. HE'S BEEN THE WORST OF ALL.

HE'S BEEN ON

THAT TELEVISION SET CONSTANTLY.

FIRST, HE WANTED TO KILL YOU,

AND THEN HE WAS AFRAID YOU WERE DYING.

[ALARM SOUNDS]

OH, WELL.

THERE HE GOES AGAIN.

HMM?

YOU WANT ME TO GET IT FOR YOU?

YES, PLEASE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO FACE HIM SOONER OR LATER.

[MOANING]

[BEEP]

OH, IT'S YOU, MATTEMORE.

GO AHEAD, SIR, I'VE GOT IT COMING.

YOU CERTAINLY HAVE, MATTEMORE.

DID I MISS ANYTHING

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN COVERING?

NO, NOTHING, NO.

JUST A TYPHOON IN OKINAWA,

A HURRICANE THAT NEARLY WIPED OUT

FLORIDA AND THE EAST COAST,

AND THE FIRST BLIZZARD IN THE HISTORY

OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, BUT NEVER MIND THAT.

YOU IN ANY CONDITION TO TAKE A TOP-LEVEL

EMERGENCY CALL FROM GENERAL HALLENBY

IN WASHINGTON?

GENERAL HOWLING BULL HALLENBY?

THAT'S THE ONE, MATTEMORE.

I'LL PUT YOU THROUGH.

[BEEP]

MATTEMORE.

UH, YES, SIR?

I BELIEVE YOU HOLD A RESERVE COMMISSION

IN THE AIR FORCE.

UH, YES, SIR. SECOND LIEUTENANT, SIR.

SECOND LIEUTENANT? AT YOUR AGE?

WELL, YOU KNOW, WHAT WITH

THE POLITICS IN THE AIR FORCE--

HEH HEH. WELL, NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT.

NOW, LISTEN, AS OF RIGHT NOW,

I'M RECALLING YOU TO ACTIVE DUTY.

UH, YES, SIR. UH, WHEN SHALL I REPORT?

I MEAN, WHERE--HOW WILL I REPORT, SIR?

[YELLING] DON'T ASK IDIOTIC QUESTIONS, LIEUTENANT.

JUST LISTEN TO ME NOW.

UH...

NOW, THEN, MATTEMORE...

WE JUST ISSUED AN ULTIMATUM

TO THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT.

IT'S GONNA EXPIRE IN... 11 MINUTES.

RIGHT NOW, THE PRESIDENT IS STANDING BY

ON A HOTLINE TO THE KREMLIN.

UH, WHY DO WE ISSUE AN ULTIMATUM, SIR?

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!

WELL, ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE IT IS YOUR BUSINESS.

SEEING AS HOW YOU'D PROBABLY BE THE FIRST ONES

TO GET WIPED OUT.

WIPED OUT?

WELL, YOU'RE SITTIN' RIGHT THERE

IN THE MOST STRATEGIC SPOT IN THE UNIVERSE.

HEH HEH. IF I WAS A RUSSIAN GENERAL,

I WOULDN'T THINK TWICE ABOUT WIPING YOU OUT.

NOW, ON THE OTHER HAND...

ON THE OTHER HAND, MATTEMORE,

YOU TWO MIGHT JUST BE

THE ONLY LIVING SURVIVORS LEFT

TO CARRY ON THE GREAT AMERICAN DREAM.

THINK OF THAT, MATTEMORE.

THE ONLY LIVIN' SURVIVORS.

HOWEVER, IT'S MY OPINION YOU'LL GET WIPED OUT, THOUGH.

UH, MAY I RESPECTFULLY ASK, SIR,

THE REASON FOR ALL THIS WIPING OUT?

IT'S COME TO OUR ATTENTION

THAT THERE'S RECENTLY BEEN A LARGE UNDERCOVER MOVEMENT

OF RUSSIAN MEN AND SUPPLIES INTO, UH--TO, UH--

WHAT THE HELL'S THE NAME OF THAT PLACE?

Man: UH--

WELL, NEVER MIND WHAT IT IS. THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS

IT'S INSIDE OUR SPHERE OF INFLUENCE,

AND WE'VE ISSUED THIS ULTIMATUM

TO THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT-- EITHER GET OUT OF THERE

OR ELSE EXPLAIN THEIR PRESENCE WITHIN, UH,

9 MINUTES.

THAT'S PRETTY HARD FOR ME TO BELIEVE, SIR.

[YELLING] WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S HARD FOR YOU TO BELIEVE?

I BELIEVE IT. LOOK AT ME,

I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE, AND I BELIEVE IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S A MATTER WITH YOU, MATTEMORE!

WELL, I'M SORRY, SIR. WHAT ARE MY ORDERS?

UH, BETTER.

MATTEMORE, YOUR ORDERS...

YOUR ORDERS ARE...

EH, SECURE THE MOON.

SECURE THE MOON, YES--

SECURE THE MOON? HOW DO WE DO THAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HOW DO YOU DO IT?

YOU SECURE THE MOON, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU GOT SOME RUSSIANS UP THERE, TOO, HAVEN'T YOU?

WELL, YES, NOT MANY. JUST TWO, SIR.

WE HAD THEM OVER THE OTHER NIGHT FOR A LITTLE PARTY.

HAD THEM OVER FOR A WHAT?

WELL, WE WERE JUST HAVING A LITTLE GET TOGETHER,

AND THEY JUST CAME IN.

WE COULDN'T VERY WELL ASK THEM TO LEAVE.

YOU REALIZE THEY PROBABLY PLANTED A BOMB AROUND THERE?

NOW LISTEN TO ME, MATTEMORE!

IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM ME WITHIN 7 MINUTES,

THAT'LL BE IT. YOU UNDERSTAND?

USE YOUR OWN JUDGMENT.

DISMISSED.

WHERE IN THE HELL'S THE DAMN BUTTON?

Man: THE SECOND ONE FROM THE TOP, SIR.

WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAYS.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

YEAH, WELL, I MADE THE SAME MISTAKE

A COUPLE OF MINUTES AGO.

AND YOU HEARD WHAT HOWLING BULL SAID.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

I DON'T CARE.

I JUST DON'T THINK EITHER

THE AMERICANS OR THE RUSSIANS

ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO START

ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

WELL, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT

BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN.

YOU HAVEN'T GOT A MILITARY MIND.

AND WE ONLY HAVE 6 MINUTES NOW.

IS THERE SOMEONE YOU WANT TO CALL,

LIKE YOUR MOTHER OR YOUR SISTER?

MM-MMM. NOT ME.

I'M THE ONE THAT DOESN'T BELIEVE IT, REMEMBER?

WELL, WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

LET'S KNOCK OFF THE TALKING AND GET GOING.

THERE'S IGOR.

HI, IGOR.

COME ON IN.

I'M PRETENDING TO BE FRIENDLY

JUST TO EGG HIM ON. COME ON IN, IGOR.

I'VE GOTTA FIND SOMETHING TO BELT THAT RUSSIAN WITH.

PETER!

I'LL BET YOU HE'S ON THE SAME ASSIGNMENT I AM.

NO, PETER.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I GUARANTEE YOU HE'S COMING IN HERE

TO CAPTURE US.

BALONEY. HE CAME HERE TO GET ANNA.

[DOOR OPENS]

ANNA?

YES! SHE'S ASLEEP IN THERE.

SHE HAS BEEN ALL THE TIME!

HOW COME?

BECAUSE SHE REFUSES TO GO BACK TO IGOR

UNLESS HE PROMISES TO MARRY HER.

THAT'S HOW COME.

BETTER YET!

PETER!

SHH, SHH, SHH!

THIS IS WORKING OUT BETTER THAN I THOUGHT.

NOW WE ONLY HAVE ONE TO WORRY ABOUT.

LOOK, ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING.

I'M DOING EXACTLY WHAT ANY MAN

IN MY POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY WOULD DO.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE!

IGOR SAVED YOUR LIFE 2 DAYS AGO, REMEMBER?

YEAH, AND I'M GONNA SAVE IT AGAIN TODAY.

NOW MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

COME IN!

OH, PETER, HA HA!

IT'S IGOR, OPEN UP!

THE LOCK, SILLY!

COME IN.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

PETER!

THEY'RE STRONG.

OOH.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON HIM.

JUST WATCH HIM.

THEY'RE VERY STRONG, I'M TELLING YA.

TIE HIS FEET.

UHH.

OHH!

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HIT HIM SO HARD, PETER?

WHAT'D YOU WANT ME TO DO, STAND HERE AND BOX WITH HIM?

HE'S GOT AT LEAST 50 POUNDS ON ME.

WILL YOU STOP STALLING AT GET HOWLING BULL FOR ME?

COME ON, EILEEN. HURRY UP.

ALL RIGHT!

JUST PUT THE CALL THROUGH.

[BEEPING]

MOON STATION CALLING. MOON STATION CALLING.

Female operator: THIS IS THE SPACE CENTER OPERATOR.

WOULD YOU GET ME GENERAL HALLENBY

IN WASHINGTON, PLEASE?

RIGHT AWAY.

ONE MOMENT, PLEASE. I'LL CONNECT YOU.

THANK YOU.

PETER...

WOULD YOU HURRY UP?

THEY'RE GETTING HOWLING BULL.

I MEAN GENERAL HALLENBY. COME ON.

ALL RIGHT.

[WHIRRING]

WELL, WHAT IS IT NOW, MATTEMORE?

OH, UH, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, SIR.

I'VE SECURED THE MOON.

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, SPEAK UP, WILL YOU?

I'M FIXIN' TO GO TO PALM SPRINGS.

PALM SPRINGS, SIR?

OH, IS THAT WHERE YOU'RE GOING

TO DIRECT THE HOSTILITIES FROM?

HOSTILITIES?

I'M GOING DOWN THERE TO PLAY

IN THE INVITATIONAL GOLF TOURNAMENT.

GOLF TOURNAMENT?

WELL, SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CRISIS?

WHAT CRISIS?

OH, THAT CRISIS.

WELL, THAT'S BEEN ALL CLEARED UP.

OH, YOU MEAN THE RUSSIANS THAT WERE IN THERE,

THEY GOT OUT WHEREVER THEY WERE.

UH, TURNED OUT

THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE.

THEY WERE ALL MEMBERS OF THE RUSSIAN PEACE CORPS.

THAT'S FUNNY.

I NEVER KNEW THE RUSSIANS HAD A PEACE CORPS.

HEH HEH HEH.

YEAH.

THAT MAKES TWO OF US, SIR.

I DIDN'T-- I DIDN'T KNOW, EITHER,

BUT WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, SIR,

MAY I ASK,

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO WITH THE PRISONERS?

WHAT PRISONERS?

WELL, I HAVE THIS ONE RUSSIAN TIED UP OVER HERE,

AND I HAVE THE OTHER ONE LOCKED IN THE BEDROOM.

YOU ARE KIDDING, AREN'T YOU MATTEMORE?

UH, NO, SIR.

UH, YOU SEE THIS ONE RUSSIAN

OUTWEIGHED ME AT LEAST 50 POUNDS,

AND I THOUGHT HE WAS COMING OVER--

YOU MORON!

YOU DAMN IDIOT!

WELL, NO ONE CALLED ME, SIR.

DON'T YOU THINK I GOT ANYTHING BETTER TO DO

THAN CALL UP THE MOON EVERY 5 MINUTES?

YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, SIR?

OUT OF ONE CRISIS, INTO ANOTHER ONE.

YOU GET ME THE PRESIDENT RIGHT AWAY

ON MY PRIVATE CHANNEL.

TELL HIM TO STANDBY ON THE HOTLINE

TO THE KREMLIN.

IT'S IDIOTS LIKE YOU

THAT GET US INTO TROUBLE JUMPING INTO CONCLUSIONS.

WELL, SIR, NO ONE CALLED ME, AND--

YOU SHUT UP!

I'M GONNA DEAL WITH YOU LATER.

[BEEPING]

NOW, WHAT-- [BOOM]

HELL IS WRONG?

WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Man: YOU PUSHED THE WRONG BUTTON, SIR.

WELL, GET THAT OFF! GET IT OFF!

I'VE SEEN THAT LOUSY MOVIE A HUNDRED TIMES.

THERE GOES THAT DAMN FOOL INDIAN

FALLING OFF HIS HORSE AGAIN.

[SIGHS]

WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND DON'T ARGUE WITH ME?

JUST DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, JUST HELP ME.

WOULD YOU JUST HELP ME, PLEASE?

I'M SORRY. I'M...

I'M SURE GLAD I DIDN'T CALL MY MOTHER.

UH. UH.

HURRY UP.

YOU JUST THINK OF SOMETHING TO TELL IGOR

WHEN HE COMES TO.

OKAY.

[MUMBLING]

I BETTER CHECK.

[IGOR MUMBLING]

SLEEPIN' LIKE A BABY.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

IGOR, YOU ALL RIGHT?

IGOR.

[GROANS]

IGOR, YOU ALL RIGHT? TAKE IT EASY.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED?

UH, YOU SLIPPED COMING TO THE DOOR.

OHH. YOU SLIPPED.

YOU SEE, WHEN YOU WERE--

YOU CAME TO THE DOOR--

HYAH! OOH!

WHERE'S ANNA?

OH, UH, SHE'S IN BED.

SHE'S ASLEEP... IN THE NEXT ROOM.

YEAH, SHE'S IN THE NEXT ROOM ASLEEP.

BED. [BANG]

EASY, IGOR. [PANTING]

JUST RELAX.

IGOR? JUST RELAX.

UH, IGOR? [PURRS]

EASY! IGOR!

IGOR! EASY.

ANUSHKA?

ANUSHKA?

ANUSHKA.

OHH.

ANUSHKA.

[MOANS]

[MOANS]

[MOANS]

OHH, IGOR.

OH, ANUSHKA.

HAVE YOU COME TO TELL ME

YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY ME?

[LAUGHS]

NO, ANUSHKA.

I COME TO GIVE YOU LOVE, ROMANCE, AND LAUGHTER.

LAUGHTER. HA HA HA.

BUT YOU HAVE TO.

WHY, ANUSHKA? WHY?

[LAUGHS]

I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

[LAUGHING]

[SOBBING]

NO!

[MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Second man: PREMIER ROSKOV

IS ASKING MISS SOBLOVA IF SHE WILL TAKE

MR. BLAKONAKOV TO BE HER LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND.

DA.

SHE SAYS SHE WILL.

[PREMIER ROSKOV SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

NOW PREMIER ROSKOV IS ASKING MR. BLAKONAKOV

IF HE WILL TAKE MISS SOBLOVA

TO BE HIS LAWFULLY WEDDING WIFE,

AND HE SAYS HE WILL.

AND I THINK I SEE MISS SOBLOVA'S MOTHER.

SHE SEES HER DAUGHTER GETTING MARRIED.

AND MISS SOBLOVA'S FATHER

AND THE FATHER'S WIFE.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

NOW IT LOOKS LIKE THE CEREMONY

IS DRAWING TO A CONCLUSION.

MR. BLAKONAKOV, MISS SOBLOVA,

MAN AND WIFE.

[PREMIER ROSKOV SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

MR. BLAKONAKOV KISSES MRS. BLAKONAKOV.

MRS. MATTEMORE KISSES MRS. BLAKONAKOV.

[PREMIER ROSKOV SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

NOW PREMIER ROSKOV

IS COMPLEMENTING THE YOUNG COUPLE,

AND HE IS BOASTING THAT HE IS SURE

THAT THEY WILL VERY SHORTLY

GIVE TO THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE A NEW GLORY--

THE FIRST BABY BORN ON THE MOON.

THIS IS ANOTHER RUSSIAN FIRST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[APPLAUSE]

BUT IS THIS JUST AN IDLE BOAST?

MAYBE I'M SAYING MORE THAN I SHOULD,

MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE SAYING THIS ON THE AIR,

BUT IT IS MY OPINION, CONSIDERING THE FACT

THAT MR. BLAKONAKOV AND MRS. BLAKONAKOV

HAVE BEEN ALONE TOGETHER ON THE MOON

FOR 3 MONTHS,

IT IS MY OPINION

THAT THE YOUNG BRIDE IS ALREADY SEVERAL MONTHS...

THIS IS ROGER CARLISLE ENDING MY SERIES

OF TELECASTS FROM MOSCOW

SAYING GOOD-BYE TO B.C.B.

[APPLAUSE]

OH, WAS A LOVELY WEDDING.

WASN'T IT?

YEAH, SURE WAS.

ANNA MADE A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE, TOO.

YEAH.

[ALARM SOUNDS]

I'LL GET IT.

OKAY.

IT'S PROBABLY, UH, SOMEONE CALLING US.

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT TO PRESS IT.

[ALARM STOPS]

HELLO, KIDS.

WELL, WHAT'S NEW, MATTEMORE?

OH, DID YOU SEE THE WEDDING?

THE WHOLE WORLD SAW IT.

I GUESS ALL THOSE RUMORS ARE TRUE.

OH, YEAH. THEY'RE TRUE.

SHE'S GOT ABOUT A 2 MONTH JUMP ON US.

I GUESS THERE'S NOTHING YOU TWO CAN DO ABOUT IT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, UH--

WELL, WHAT I MEAN IS--

EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON IS PRETTY DEJECTED.

SENATOR ASTONGRAPPLE CRIED ON THE FLOOR

OF THE SENATE THIS MORNING.

NOBODY'S BLAMING YOU, OF COURSE, BUT...

BUT WHAT?

NOTHING.

BUT WHAT?!

WELL, EVEN IF YOU HAD GOT OFF

TO A LEVEL START WITH THEM,

I DON'T SUPPOSE IT WOULD HAVE DONE YOU ANY GOOD.

WHY NOT?

OH, COME NOW, MATTEMORE.

WE ALL SAW BLAKONAKOV, A VIGOROUS, PRANCING,

SNORTING YOUNG STALLION IF EVER I SAW ONE.

SO WHAT?

I'M NOT EXACTLY WHAT YOU'D CALL UNVIGOROUS,

UNSNORTING, OR UNPRANCING MYSELF.

MATTEMORE, ALONGSIDE BLAKONAKOV

YOU LOOK LIKE A WORN-OUT OLD MAN

WHO'S MADE ONE TOO MANY JOURNEYS TO THE WELL

AND HASN'T GOT THE POOP TO MAKE IT BACK AGAIN.

NOT TO MENTION MRS. BLAKONAKOV.

NO!

NO, LET'S MENTION HER.

SAY, WHAT DID I LOOK LIKE

ALONGSIDE OF HER,

SOMEBODY'S UNDERSEXED

KID BROTHER OR SOMETHING, HUH?

WELL, OF COURSE, IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT

THAT THESE RUSSIAN GIRLS DEVELOP SO STARTLINGLY

AND SO YOUNG.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

SHE'S NOT ALL THAT YOUNG, MISTER.

I'M NOT TALKING OF HER AGE IN YEARS.

I'M TALKING OF HER WARM, YOUNG BIRTHINGS.

HER WARM, YOUNG WHAT?

WELL, WITH A GIRL LIKE THAT, YOU SEE,

YOU'VE ONLY GOT TO SAY "BOO" TO HER

AND SHE'S ALREADY 2 MONTHS PREGNANT.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, YOU JUST TRY SAYING "BOO" TO ME

AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

BECAUSE IF YOU DID, YOU'D FIND

THAT I'M JUST AS PREGNANT AS SHE IS.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID I'M JUST AS PREGNANT AS SHE IS.

BUT THIS IS WONDERFUL NEWS!

THIS IS THE MOST FANTASTIC NEWS

I'VE EVER HEARD!

THIS MEANS IT ISN'T ANOTHER RUSSIAN FIRST AFTER ALL.

I MUST GET ON THE WIRE

TO THE PRESIDENT RIGHT AWAY.

I MUST GET HOLD OF ALL THE FOREIGN CORRESPONDENTS

AND...

JUST A MOMENT.

HOW COULD YOU BE?

YOU'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED 5 DAYS.

WHAT DO YOU CARE HOW I AM?

I AM!

OH, YOU WONDERFUL GIRL.

I'LL GET BACK TO YOU RIGHT AWAY.

JUST NOW I'VE GOT A MILLION THINGS TO DO.

[BEEP]

[GUNSHOTS]

[YELLING]

WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE, QUONSET?

Quonset: I PRESSED THE WRONG BUTTON.

IT'S THAT MOVIE THAT'S BEEN ON CHANNEL 9 ALL THIS WEEK.

NOW HE'S GONNA FALL OFF HIS HORSE AGAIN.

[BEEP]

IT'S, UH... KIND OF EXCITING.

I MEAN--I MEAN, UH--

YOU KNOW, WHEN I-- WHEN I THINK OF--

I GOTTA GET CIGARS. [LAUGHS]

SO I--YOU KNOW, TO HAND THEM OUT TO EVERYBODY.

WHERE DO YOU GO HERE FOR CIGARS?

TH--UH, YOU KNOW, HANDING OUT.

CONGRATU-- HEY, YOU HAD A...

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.

I MEAN, THE FIRST THING, YOU KNOW,

WHEN A MAN IS PROUD, YOU, UH--OH, YOU--

OH, YOU'RE NOT LIKE YOU SAID?

HEH. I WAS TEASING. I KNOW THAT.

I--I KNEW-- I KNEW YOU, UH.

WHEN YOU WERE...

WHAT DID YOU HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH BY LYING TO HIM?

I WASN'T LYING.

YOU SAID YOU WERE AS PREGNANT AS ANNA IS.

I AM AS PREGNANT AS ANNA.

WELL, THEN I'LL GET A BALL AND A BAT AND A GLOVE.

I CAN EVEN MAKE--

'CAUSE ANNA ISN'T PREGNANT.

I DON'T NEED A BALL, A BAT, OR A GLOVE THEN.

SHE ONLY TOLD IGOR THAT TO MAKE HIM MARRY HER.

AND IF YOU MUST KNOW THE TRUTH,

IT WAS MY IDEA.

GOOD THINKING.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHEN YOU TOLD QUONSET WHAT YOU TOLD HIM,

QUONSET AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS GOTTA THINK YOU ARE

LIKE YOU SAID.

PETER.

HUH?

WE HAVE 12 DAYS OF NIGHT LEFT.

SO?

SO...

YOU WOULDN'T WANNA MAKE A LIAR OUT OF ME NOW,

WOULD YOU?

HEH.

HEH, NO.

[BEEPING]

[WHIRRING]

Female operator: THIS IS THE SPACE CENTER OPERATOR.

I HAVE MR. QUONSET CALLING THE MOON STATION.

MR. QUONSET CALLING.

MR. QUONSET CALLING.

MR. QUONSET CALLING.

MR. QUONSET CALLING.

MR. QUONSET CALLING.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

MR. QUONSET CALLING.

MR. QUONSET CALLING.

MR. QUONSET CALLING.

* 10, 9 *

* 8, 7, 6 *

* 5, 4, 3 *

* 2, 1 *

* YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A TRIP, GIRL *

* SO SLIP INTO SOMETHING SLINKY AND SMOOTH *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* JUST WAVE THE WORLD GOOD-BYE *

* LET'S FLY *

*'CAUSE, GIRL, I GOT A WHOLE LOT TO PROVE *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* I NEED TO SHOW YOU *

* I KNOW YOU AND ME WERE MEANT TO GO THE WHOLE ROUTE *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* AND IF YOU STICK WITH ME, GIRL *

* YOU'LL SEE WHAT THE GAME OF LOVE'S ALL ABOUT *

* WAY, WAY UP *

* WE'RE GONNA TAKE A TRIP IN OUTER SPACE *

* FLY NOW AND WE'LL PAY LATER, GIRL *

* COME AND GO WITH ME *

* AND YOU'LL SEE WHAT THE GAME OF LOVE'S ALL ABOUT *

* IT'S WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT *

* WAY, WAY OUT **