Original subtitles

Welcome back to Play Of The Week.

Where each week a new play is performed live in front

of a studio audience here in Cornley and broadcast to the nation.

I am Chris Bean, the director. Following a number of complaints,

we have combed through this week's script for any offensive language.

One character in particular,

"Buddy", does use rather a lot of gruff vocabulary or as my mother

would put it, "Scottish language", which will be censored throughout.

Also, unusually this week, we have hit a minor snag.

Tonight's American play is entitled 90 Degrees, in relation to the

Tennessee heat.

Unfortunately, when the set builders saw "90 Degrees"

written on their technical drawings,

they took it to mean they should build parts of the set at...

Well, you'll immediately see what they've done, to be honest.

But do not fear, we have corrected the issue by repositioning

the cameras.

So! The actors are prepared.

The stage is - in some sense - set.

Please enjoy, 90 Degrees.

So, give it to me straight, Larry.

How long has your daddy got left?

Daddy gets more sick each sunrise.

The doc says we ought to prepare for the worst.

Said I wasn't going to cry.

Damn it.

You've done some mighty fine work looking after that old man

all by yourself, Larry.

It's not just me. Ol' Neighbour Joe's always passing through.

Morning!

BOTH: Morning, Joe!

Well, your daddy's lucky to have ya around.

Thank you, Mr Pines.

Well, sure is...

Sure is hot today.

It's 90 degrees outside.

It's 90 degrees in here, too.

Can you feel it?

I sure can!

Perhaps I can pour you some ice tea?

Please.

Thank you.

HE PANTS

S'good stuff.

Melinda made it.

Almost as good as your Mama used to make.

I sure wish she was here now.

She'd know just what to say to Pa.

Sugar? Yes, please.

Always did have a sweet tooth.

Can I get you some more ice?

Just a couple of cubes.

That's... Argh!

You sure drank that fast.

Can I get you a refill?

NO!

My brother and sister will be arriving any time now

and I just can't wait to see them.

Don't be so naive, Larry.

There's only one damn reason they're coming back.

I am not naive, Mr Pines.

Buddy and Barbara are good people.

DOORBELL RINGS

If you'll excuse me, Mr Pines.

I'll be right back, Mr Pines.

Take your time.

Who is it, Melinda?

It's Miss Barbara.

No, Carl, I need you to tell the buyers to relax

and sign the damn contracts today.

Real good to see you, Barb.

I don't care if there are lay-offs, Carl, I care about profits.

Larry, it's been a while.

Five years, Barb.

And yet not a day seems to have passed in here.

You want to say hello to Ruffles?

Don't tell me that mangy dog is still alive?

Ruffles come and say hello to Barbara.

He's a few years older but he still loves to run around.

MAN'S VOICE: Woof.

Ruffles.

Sit.

WHIRRING

Lie down.

Lie down.

MECHANICAL RASPING

Woof.

Good boy.

BEEPING

That'll be our little brother.

And his money-grabbing city gal.

Melinda, please. Be civil.

Rene is Buddy's wife now.

Yeah, she's sure got her hooks in deep.

Hi, Buddy. Rene.

Hello, there, Larry.

Buddy, good to see you.

Oh, honey, you weren't kidding, it is, erm...

Quaint.

Daddy's in his room.

Now, before you see him, I must warn you he's in a bad way.

Oh, Barb, please don't cry.

I'm sorry, Larry...

..it's just...

..so sad.

Come on, Barb, cut the crap.

BLEEP!

Easy, Buddy.

You OK? Of course I'm not.

I was the quarterback for the Tennessee Bears, one bad tackle,

I break both my legs and now I'm stuck in this chair.

OK, Buddy. Calm down.

How about a nice cool beer?

Sure.

HE SCREAMS

I'm starvin', too.

You got snacks, right?

Can't you think about something other than your belly?

Anything to stop me thinking about my legs.

You ain't even asked about your pops, yet.

How long does he have left?

Doc says it could be any day now.

At least he won't have to put up with any more of this... BLEEP!

..crap.

MAN'S VOICE: Woof! Bark! Growl! Woof! Bark! Growl! Hiss! Woof!

Oh, what's your little dog doing?

Oh, don't mind him. He's real friendly.

Wag! Wag! Wag!

VOICE OF DIRECTOR: Don't say wag. Just press the button. Which button?

The button right in front of you.

Hmm.

Apologies.

Will someone please control this animal?

Go into the study, boy.

Oh, fine! It's not easy being a dog, you know.

DIRECTOR: You're supposed to be doing dog noises. You can't give it lines.

It's an inner monologue.

Then why are you saying it out loud? This is a naturalistic piece.

Nothing natural about it, Chris. They've built the set sideways.

Just do a bark.

This is your fault, Chris. Trying to cut costs, getting Dennis' dad to do the set.

And you got that toymaker to do all the furniture.

He's never done anything other than jack-in-the-boxes before.

Just do a dog noise! Do a dog noise!

No.

Go into the study, boy.

Give me the remote. Get off that.

Careful, careful.

Absolutely not. You're not qualified. You see?

Already, Chris, what a disaster.

Get your hands off me, you fiend.

Ah! You idiot!

It would be a lot easier if you weren't looming over me like that.

Give me back the control.

I am doing it.

Stop keep going into the table!

Stay out of my way. I'm executing a three-point turn.

Look at the state of it.

Look at the state of that.

Will you stop interfering with me? Oh, I can't take this.

You did that. It's your fault.

Absolutely not. I am exiting the scene.

That was not naturalistic.

Ah, Mr Pines.

VOICE OFF SET: Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Ah, Mr Pines.

Woof.

I mean, howdy.

I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met before.

This is Ronald Pines, the family lawyer.

Your daddy has asked me to speak to you all on his behalf,

since his condition has worsened.

If you'd all be so kind as to join me...

..in the study.

It's a pleasure to see you again, Miss Barbara.

It's nice to have the family back under one roof.

It would be, if it wasn't for that Yankee Jezebel in our midst.

Now, now, Melinda, you forget your place.

She does not have Buddy's best interests at heart.

You can see it clear as day, she has eyes for another.

Come now, Melinda, there's nothing between Larry and Rene.

No, I didn't say nothing about Larry, did I?

Excuse me, Miss Barbara, I must get back to my chores.

It's a pleasure to see you again, Miss Barbara.

It's nice to have the family back under one roof.

It would be if it wasn't for that Yankee Jezebel in our midst.

Now, now, Melinda, you forget your place.

She doesn't have Buddy's best interests at heart, you can

see it clear as day, she has eyes for another.

Come now, Melinda, there's nothing between Larry and Rene.

No, I didn't say nothing about Larry, did I?

Excuse me, Miss Barbara, I must get back to my chores.

Thank you, Barbara.

Welcome, everyone.

Now I'm aware this may be an uncomfortable meeting.

First, I need you all to sign a copy of these documents...

Now, before Mr Burgess...

Before Mr Burgess finalises his will,

by a show of hands which of you would intend to

sell your share in Burgess Fine Tea after your father has passed?

Barbara.

And Buddy?

There it is.

Shame on the two of you, how can you think of doing that to the workers?

BLEEP!

Oh, Buddy, I do wish you wouldn't use that kind of language.

Can you blame him for being angry?

He's stuck in that chair for life.

All right, everybody settle down.

You're upsetting Ruffles.

Woof.

Come here, boy.

Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!

Good boy.

Mr Burgess has made it clear he does not want...

Mr Burgess has made it clear he does not want the business to be

sold, so it seems Burgess Fine Tea must be inherited by Larry alone.

Larry alone?

All right. We all just need to cool down.

Melinda! Bring us some more of that iced tea.

Mmmm.... Yes, Mr Larry!

SHE GROANS

I'm going to need something stronger than that.

Melinda, fetch us some beers from the refrigerator?

OK.

Yes, Mr Larry.

ARGH!

Barb. Barb!

Ooh! OK. Mr Pines. Mr Pines!

Rene.

Rene, Rene, Rene!

Rene, Rene... Rene!

Rene!

Rene.

Rene. Rene!

Ah, Rene, are you ready!

SCREAMING

Rene, all right.

CROWD CHEERS

For you, Buddy!

If you need me, Mr Larry...

Oh, no! Help me! Oh!

There go my bosoms!

If you need me, Mr Larry, I'll be in the kitchen!

How is it fair that Larry gets it all?

BLEEP!

Oh, come on, Buddy! You're just talking out your ass.

Settle down, all of you, and drink your beers.

There's nothing like some cool suds on a hot day.

Mmmm. Perhaps Burgess Fine Tea should brew beers.

BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!

All right, we all just need to be civil to one another.

Buddy always gets snippy when he's been drinking on an empty stomach.

We can deal with that.

Melinda, bring us some of that fine gazpacho.

SHOUTING: Yes, Mr Larry.

Enjoy.

Mmm-mm-mmm.

If you're still hungry after that, Ol' Neighbour Joe usually

passes by with something sweet about now.

Howdy. Who'd like a slice of my blueberry pie?

THUDDING

Buddy, why don't you take five minutes in the kitchen?

What you must understand is,

Mr Burgess has the interest of his workers at heart.

Now, Barbara, I know you're not happy with... er...

I know you're not happy with Daddy's decision,

but as his children, we must respect his wishes.

I absolutely agree.

Now, I know Buddy can be temperamental...

MUFFLED: ..to deal with.

Excuse me, Mr Pines, may I speak with you in the living room?

Of course.

After you.

CROWD APPLAUDS

I'll be back momentarily.

Excuse me.

Oh, Larry, I thought they'd never leave us alone.

I don't know what you're talking about, Rene.

I'm talking about you and I, Larry.

The chemistry between us.

Keep your voice down.

That was one night of weakness and I've regretted it ever since.

Don't pretend you don't want to kiss me, Larry Burgess.

Right here on this table.

Whoa! Whoa! Oh!

All right. Oh, careful, careful.

Kiss me, Larry.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, Larry, you've got such a gentle touch.

Rene! RENE! OK! All right, I got you!

ARRGH!

Keep your voice down, someone might hear us! Larry!

What the Sam Hill is going on in here?

Barbara! This is not what it looks like.

I have no idea what it looks like.

I cannot believe a brother of mine would engage in such underhand...

Oh!

Get after her, Larry!

All right! Whoa!

Whoa! Argh!

You've gotta help me!

Please, Barb, don't tell anyone what you just saw!

Well. It seems I have you over a barrel.

I can't let Buddy find out.

It would kill him.

I'm not going to tell Buddy.

Thank you, Barbara.

As long as you give me the business.

I can't do that! I promised Pa!

Growl.

Easy.

Easy, Ruffles.

She's trying to blackmail you, Larry.

Stop improvising! That is it.

Give me the remote, you're not playing the dog any more. Give it to me.

I am doing it.

Get off me! ARGH!

Get out!

Fine. I'm going to the canteen.

It's real simple, Larry, you give me the company

and I don't tell Buddy your dirty little secret.

What happened to us, Barb?

Why can't we all be more like Ruffles?

He don't ask for nothing.

A packet of wine gums, please.

He ain't greedy.

Family size, please.

And he don't care about money.

�3.49?! What is this, the cinema?

Absolutely not, I'll put them back.

SECURITY GUARD: Excuse me, sir, what have you just put in your trousers?

Nothing. I didn't um... Give me the wine gums, sir.

No! PLEASE! Just-

Look over there!

ARRRGHHHH!!

Get back here!

PANTING

All right, I think I lost him.

Where the hell am I? I'm lost.

Should be safe in here.

PACKET RUSTLING

Excuse me.

Larry! Buddy!

I've been talking to Pa.

You really are a no good BLEEP! of crap.

Take it easy, Buddy.

I didn't know Pa was going to leave me in charge.

Well, you better go change his mind.

I'm going to go and pay my respects.

I'm coming with you.

Oh, no.

Yes.

Buddy.

Rene.

Are you all right?

Why are you looking at me like that?

It's just the heat, pass me that beer, would you?

What?

I said pass me that beer, would you?

The bee-aar.

No... not the bee-aar.

The bee-uhh.

The bee-aar.

No...

Not the bee-aar.

The bee-uhh.

No, no. That's the bear, put that down.

Pass me... the bee-uhh.

The bee-aar. No, not the bee-aar. The bee-UHH.

The BEE-AAR. No, not the bee-aar. The... The...

The bee-uhh. The bee-aar.

NOT the bee-aar! The BEE-UHH!

Oh...

..the beard! No... not the beard.

Not the beard, the beer!!

Um, lager... Lager beer. Lager?

Lager beer? Lager beer!

Oh, lager beer. Lager beer.

Lager beer! Here you go, a larger bee-aar!

Thank you.

C-shhh...

Cheers.

SHE SCREAMS

Papa? Oh, Papa, don't go.

It's all right, Barb, everything's going to be all right.

It doesn't look like he can hold on much longer.

Oh, he's coughing! Get him his pills.

Here you go, Pa.

Here's your oxygen, Pa.

Here you go, Pa.

You gotta stay with us, Daddy,

Ol' Neighbour Joe just made you a puddin'.

This meringue is lighter than air!

Thank you, Joe.

I feel it's nearly time.

Oh, Daddy.

You're making me cry.

Look, Pa, Ruffles has come to say goodbye.

Let me pet him one last time.

Whoa!

Careful, Papa!

I think... I think I'm going! I'm going!

No, hold on, Papa.

I don't think I can hold on much longer.

I love you, Barbara. I love you, Daddy.

I love you, Larry. I love you, Pa.

Goodbye, cruel world.

Thanks, Melinda.

It's a shame it had to work out this way.

It's going to be all right, Buddy, we don't need Burgess Fine Tea.

We have each other.

I just never catch a break, first my accident and now this.

HE SCREAMS

Buddy, I ain't seen you cry like this before.

Papa's passed.

I'm so sorry. I'll leave y'all alone.

Larry, if you want to swing by my office to go over the papers.

You know, Buddy, I saw the funniest thing this afternoon in the study.

Actually, Mr Pines, I won't be stopping by.

You won't?

No, I want to sign over control of the company to Barbara.

What? To Barbara?

If you have the papers, I'll sign them now.

Larry, are you sure?

There's no other way.

All right.

Sign here.

And here.

And on the reverse.

There.

I'll have these papers filed right away.

Good day, y'all.

I'll walk you to your car, Mr Pines.

I can't believe you've just done that.

I've done it for you, Buddy.

It's true.

If Larry hadn't signed those papers,

I'd have told you all about his affair with Rene.

Barbara! You've played me.

Like a game of craps. BLEEP!

Anyhow, I'd love to stay and talk,

but we have to get back to Connecticut.

Ain't that right...

..Rene?

That's right, Barbara.

Sorry, Buddy.

Rene! How can you do this to me?

Woof, woof, woof! I've got some thoughts on this.

No, you don't.

You two played me from the start.

Sorry, Larry.

Come on, sweetie.

Let's get out of here.

Buddy.

I'm so sorry.

Pa's gone.

There's nothing left for us here.

Buddy! Buddy, wait.

Well, I guess it's just you and me now, Ruffles.

Indeed it is, Larry, and there is much I need to say.

WHY MUST...

Excuse me, sir, Cornley Police, can I have a word? What?

We've had a report of a man, matching your description, shoplifting.

Would you come with us, please? It was Chris, he told me to do it.

What's going on here? Is this man working under your instruction, sir?

Yes, of course. I'm the director.

You're under arrest. Take your hands off me!

Oops, microphone's still on...

Erm... The dog's dead.

Ruffles? Ruffles!

Ruffles, no!

Oh!