All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s07e14_English

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, our teachers looked like this.

They were sad-sacks, angry-sacks, or lonely-sacks.

But that all changed
in college,

when Barry actually had
a hot teacher.

[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

Pour some knowledge on me.

Stop it, Barry.

She is
an intelligent woman

who shouldn't be reduced
to just an object,

and, oh, my God,
she's got cheekbones for days.

Why would she be a T.A.

when she could be
holding a number

to indicate what round it is
in a boxing match?

The only thing I get
is that you're
a super gross horn dog.

But it's not just that.

She actually makes me
want to learn.

I'm hot for teacher.

Like the Van Halen song?

That song perfectly captures
both her profession

and my feelings
towards that profession.

Let me hand back
your essays.

Fantastic job.

Shama-lama-ding-dong!
Erica dids it again.

And, Barry,
yours is in here somewhere.

Oh, just look for the one
with the strawberry-jam
fingerprints.

Here it is.

Excellent job, as well.

Yes!

Smarty people
in the house!

What the hell?
You got an A, too?

Yeah. I cranked
that bad boy
out quick.

That's Barry's
number-one trick

for academic success...
Speed.

There is no way
we both earned A's.

Erica, when you
say things like that,

it makes me think
you think I'm not intelligent.

I don't.

You are widely considered
stupider than me

by family, society,
and any jacket
with a zipper.

That was one jacket!

And you're just mad that I got
the same grade as you.

Mr. Goldberg.

Please see me after class.

Oh, no.

She must've realized
that English

isn't your
second language.

Knock, knock.

Wow.
Check out all these books.

It's like that weird store
in the mall that sells books.

Well, you've got to read a lot
of them if you want a PhD.

I get it.

I'm gonna be a doctor, too,
but, like, a real one

who plays God
and parks wherever
he wants

and tells loved ones
he tried

but it's their nana's time.

[CHUCKLES]
I knew you were funny.

That paper you wrote
comparing Weber's
theory of rationalization

to LL Cool J's song
Big Ole Butt

made me laugh out loud.

I am so glad!

You're so cool and pretty

and know all of LL Cool J's
masterwork on butts.

[CHUCKLES]
Go out with me tonight.

That's intense,
considering it's
Valentine's Day.

Oh, no, Barry.
You asked your
dream woman out

on the most
romantically charged
day of the year?

It's okay.
No, forget I said anything.

I'll just drop the class
and quit school

and become a lowly sixth man
on a struggling NBA franchise.

Don't become
a Charlotte Hornet.

You know the NBA?

I can't take it.
Reveal your shortcomings.

[CHUCKLES]

You know what?
Let's do it.

Let's go out.
Wait. For real?

I'm sick of dating
snobby, bookish guys.

You are so not them.

I haven't listened
since you said yes,

so your reasons
are your reasons.

But this needs to stay
between us.

If word got out,
it wouldn't be good.

I'll have no trouble
keeping it to myself.

ADULT ADAM: Well,
he'd have a little trouble.

Hey, Big Tasty.
What's new?

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

♪♪

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM:
It was Valentine's Day,
1980-something,

and for the first time
in a long time,

I had my eye
on someone special.

No, it wasn't Dana.

We were now just friends.

In fact, we were both
interested in other people.

Okay, I'm gonna ask Brea to
the Valentine's Couples Skate.

Glasses on or off?

I thought your eye wanders
when you take them off.

Not if I close it.

What do you think?

I'd keep them on.
Good note.

Let's do this.

The plan was perfect.

Dana and I would have our dates,

and it would be the best Valentine's day ever!

Brea, want to hit
the skate thing?

Sure.

Or not.

What just happened?

From what I can glean
from your devastated looks,

your crushes just crushed
on each other

and now you're crushed.
[LAUGHS]

So Dana and I found a way
to deal with our misery

in the healthiest way
possible...

Ice cream.

Here's to being totally cool
with not having a Valentine.

There's my scrumptious
Valentine!

Come on, give Mama a...
Oh, Dana!

Hell no! Not again.

Nice to see you, too,
Mrs. Goldberg.

Mom, I know you're not
Dana's biggest fan,
but we're just friends.

Oh, thank God.

I thought you were
back together.

In fact, we just found out
the two people we like

are going with each other
to the Couples Skate.

Wait, another harlot dares
toy with my baby's heart?

I'm a person.

Dana, this is not about you.

I need to know her name,
where she lives,

and what time
she goes to sleep.

Her name's Brea,

and I've already
said too much.

Besides, it's not like
there's anything I can do.

I waited too long,
and Andrew Gallery
asked her first.

If it's just a timing thing,
I can fix that.

I'll just break them up.

You couldn't really
do that, could you?

Let me tell you about Adam's
father's first love, Ilene.

What about Ilene?

She was an awful toad,
Murray.

Don't interrupt.

She was nice... You know,
with the hair and the face
and the other stuff.

I knew he and that
expired bag of soup

were wrong for each other,

so I had no choice.

I had to go
into "preventa" mode.

Preventa?

A preventa is the opposite
of a yenta.

Instead of putting
people together,
they tear them apart.

I'm among the world's best
at both.

I liked her.

She smelled like lavender,
she made me corn muffins.

What did you do to her?

She did it to herself,
Murray,

by writing that letter
to her ex-boyfriend.

[CHUCKLES] All I did was
get it out of her mailbox,

break into your car,
and leave it for you to read.

You did that?
Yes.

And today,
you have a loving wife

and beautiful children

who don't look like
butter-filled pinatas.

It all makes sense.

So, the point of this
incredibly upsetting story

is that you can
break up two teenagers
so we'll find love?

It's what a good mama does.

Thank you
for the offer, but...We'd love your help.

You seriously
want to involve
my mom in this?

I like Andrew,
you like Brea.

What other choice
do we really have?

We can wait them out.

And after their marriage
goes stale
and the kids move out,

they'll agree to amicably go
their separate ways.

Then we pounce like cats.

Or we let your mom
preventa it up.

You are wise beyond
your appearance, Dana.

It's on. I'll see you
in the den in five.

This will end bad.

While we were enlisting
my mom's help with love,

the JTP had their own
romantic plans.

Hey, JTP.

We thought we'd swing by
and check in on you guys.

We know how lonely
Valentine's Day can be.

But cheggit,
you're all dressed up.

So I guess you found dates?

And yet we did not.

In fact, we have
no romantic prospects
at all.

So, in lieu of
lady companionship,

we decided to celebrate
our friendship.

We call it
Pal-entine's Day.

At least you improved
the name,

because last year's
Valen-dudes Day was
a real big whiff.

First, we're gonna go to
Dante & Luigi's

for a little linguine
and laughs.

Then a carriage ride
around Rittenhouse Square

to see the city lights.

Finally, ice-skating at this
rink my uncle manages.

He's gonna let us use it after
hours, so it'll be just us.

I know it sounds crazy,
you guys,

but I really think
we could raise a baby.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hello,
Geoffrey and sister.

I thought it might be
St. Valentine himself here

to smile down
upon the lovers,
the dreamers,

and those that are
neither loved nor
dreamed about.

Ohh, don't touch my face
with your bathroom hand.

Is that Polo Sport
by Ralph Lauren I smell?

Indeed. It's made
from the sweet sweat
of wealthy ponies.

Wait, Bar, you have
a Valentine's date?
That's amazing.

What's her name,
Jennifer Canada?

First of all,
Ms. "Ca-nada"

moved back
to the part of Manitoba
with no phone service.

That all sounds right.

Tell us about
this new special lady.

Well, she's...

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
Barry remembered the promise

he made to Elana.

She's made up.
Erica's right.

I'm just a big fat phony
who has no one.

When you just cop to it,
it kind of ruins the fun.

Yeah,
no fun for you or me.

Anyway,
I'm off to the library.

With a box of chocolates
and a blazer?

Brain food
and wearing my brain blazer

because I got a date
with my brain,

and he's about to get
very lucky.

For what it's worth,
you guys would make
great fathers.

Oh.
[DOOR CLOSES]

He's wearing a blazer,
he smells like Macy's,
and he's happy?

Something's up.
We need to follow him.

Holy crap!

He's on a date
with our teacher!

Do you know
what this means?

Barry's hot for teacher,
and teacher's hot for him!

No, he didn't write
a good paper.

He smooched his way
to that A.

Oh, right,
this is about you.
I'll do better.

ADULT ADAM:
As Erica had discovered
Barry's secret,

my mom was about to share
a few of her own.

Who's ready to break up
some teens?

I still don't think
this is a good idea.

It is. I already bought
a cute skating outfit.

I like this color
on you, Dana.

It's just, breaking up
two people for no reason
seems kind of mean.

What's mean is allowing
two people to stay together

when there are
other people out there

who would make them happier.

Way happier, Adam.

Okey-dokey.

Since this seems to be
happening anyway, I'm in.

Now, the first thing
we need to do
is start a bogus rumor.

He's a pyromaniac,
and she sells organs
on the black market.

Too dark. [CHUCKLES]

But I wish I knew
this Dana before.

Oh, I've got one.

Now all we need
is a gossipy hen
to run with it.

I know just the hen.

Get this.

Andrew Gallery, who's already
going to the Valentine's Skate
with Brea Bee,

sent flowers
to the field hockey team.

What happened to
the sanctity of monogamy?

I don't know,
but keep this
to yourself.

Definitely
don't tell anyone.

How can I?

How can I?

By lunchtime, the rumor should
be the talk of the cafeteria.

Won't Andrew
just deny it?

Of course he will.
But that brings us
to step two...

Plant evidence.

ANDREW:
But it's not true.

Why would I send flowers
to the field hockey team?

They're 4-9.

Thanks for the flowers,
Andrew.

I don't
understand this!

I do.
You got busted.

Have fun with
all those plaid skirts
at the Valentine's Skate.

And, finally, step three,

be there
to pick up the pieces.

Hey, Brea.

I heard what that coward
did to you.

Just know there are some
good guys out there.

What was I thinking?

There's no way to know.

But...I'm here now.

Thanks, Adam.

Your mom
really raised you well.

♪♪

While my mom had preventa'd
another relationship,

nothing was preventing Barry
and his hot teacher
from hitting it off.

You ordered cupcakes?

Or, as I like to
think of them,

muffins after dark.

There's just
no neat way
to eat them.

Well, maybe
there is something
I can teach you.

All you do is you take the top
off, put the bottom on top.

You got yourself
a little cupcake sandwich.

You don't mess around.

One day, I hope to show you
my work with waffles.[CHUCKLES]

I want you to see
the best in me, Elana.

You know what?

I'm having
a pretty great time.

Me too.

Oh! No!

I'm so sorry!
Don't worry.

I'll just...
I'll be right back
and we can try again.

Busted.

What are you doing here?

Finding out exactly
how you got that A.

You're trading your body
for grades.

It's not like that.

Whatever it is,
it's awesome.

Dude,
you're hot for teacher!

Thanks, buddy.
You're a good friend.

Stay out of this, Geoff.
On it, yeah.

I just got to ask...

Has she ever given you,
like, a pop quiz

but then the quiz
is just kissing?

Geoff!
Sorry, babe.

Follow-up question...
Has she ever started class

by emerging from
behind a curtain,

wearing nothing
but a bikini and a sash?

Dude! I didn't know
this side of you.

It's always been
in there!

Shh! You need
to leave right now!

I promised her
I'd keep this a secret.

No one can know!
Just...go.

Get over yourself.
No one cares about your
disgusting love life.

It's true, JTP.

Barry's hot for teacher,
and teacher's hot for him.

When I get
clarity on the sash,
I'll call back.

Oh, God.
The JTP knows!

It's already too late.

ADULT ADAM: Barry swore
he'd keep quiet
about dating his teacher.

Unfortunately,
the JTP told everyone.

I'm telling you,
if word gets out,
Elana and I are done.

Relax, Bar.
No one even listens
to the JTP.

You're fine.

Barry Goldberg,
you da man.

[SIGHS]
Okay.

I mean, that could be
completely unrelated.
You are da man.

I suppose
there's the possibility
it's completely unrelated.

Bro, congrats
on dating Elana,

your smokin' hot
sociology teacher.

Okay, that was
pretty specific.

But I'm sure Elana
won't even find out!

I know everything,
Barry.

About sociology

and not that our
super-sexy secret got out?

You told everyone,

not to mention there were
27 very aggressive apples

on my desk this morning.

They are in season.

I liked you.

But, for you,

this was clearly
an adolescent fantasy

based on some
Motley Crue song.

It's Van Halen.

God, I can't believe
I could lose my job over this.

Thanks for nothing,
Barry.

ADULT ADAM: While word
of Barry's hot teacher
had spread like wildfire,

my mom was trying
to stoke the flames

of my romance with Brea.

What are you doing?

As you know,
I used my preventa abilities

to destroy Brea's
previous Valentine's date.

Those are words.

And now I'm waiting
for Adam to use
this study session

to ask her out.

Oh, why doesn't
he do it already?

If I had to come up
with something,

it's because
he's a giant wussbag.

Murray!

Don't blame me.
I didn't raise him.

Oh, I got to get down there
and turn up the heat.

Well, good luck.

I set the temperature to 66,
and I ripped off the knob.

Who wants some nummy snacks?

No, thanks, Mom.
We kind of got something
going on here.

Mm, doesn't look like it,

and I've got the perfect thing

to help rev up
those study engines...

Chocolate-covered
strawberries.

Go on. Feed each other.
[CHUCKLES]

Wait. Did you say
"feed each other"?

What a great idea, huh?

Just do what comes naturally.

It seems natural
that you'd leave
so we can study.

Come on, close those
books and crack open
a conversation.

Oh, here's a topic...
Adam likes ice-skating.

Thoughts, Brea?

The only thing
that comes to mind is,
"What's going on?"

What's going on
is this stereo.

[SMOOTH R&B MUSIC PLAYS]
Ah.

Don't you just love R&B?

Feel the rhythm
of the night.

What the hell, lady?

What's with the erotic fruit
and sensuous music?

[BUTTON CLICKS, MUSIC STOPS]
I did not break up Brea
and her boy toy

to have you sit
on the sidelines, Adam.

I-I'm gonna do it.
Just give me a minute.

I'll give you two.
That's a tight window!

Well, it is what it is.
Now go show some fight.

Is... Is everything okay?

Yeah. I-I just need to
ask you something.

Would you
be interested in...

This was it.

My mom's plan had
led to this moment.

All I had to do
was pop the question.

...doing next week's lab
so we can get ahead?

Oh.

Oh, no.
Is the power out?

No.
This is much worse.

Look who found
a study candle.

You know what they say,

everyone learns better
in low light.

I can't see anything.

Just scooch in,
share the flame.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
refused to let up,

Barry wasn't gonna let Erica
off the hook.

You.

You did this!

I'm still hot for teacher,

but she is no longer
hot for me.

Oopsie-doopsy.

Did I ruin your
inappropriate affair

so now you actually
have to earn your grade?

You can't accept I earned
the same grade as you?

I cannot,
because you did not.

You're unbelievable!

Did you know this
was the first girl
I liked since Lainey?

Please, do not try
to convince me

that this thing
with our teacher is real.Why not?

Maybe because you're shaped
like Grimace from McDonald's?

Oh, thank you. That purple
gumdrop is a delight.

He is not a delight.

Grimace is a simpleton
with short, useless arms.

He could still carry
a shake!

And his clumsy antics
are the perfect foil
for Ronald.

He gets the job done.

What job?

And, oh, my God,
it's conversations like this

that make me certain our
hot teacher couldn't like you.

You never believe
I could be something

other than
your dumb brother.

That's not what I'm saying.

For the first time
in a really long time,

I had an amazing
Valentine's Day.

And you ruined it.

Thanks a lot.
Barry, wait.

I always thought
Ronald McDonald

looked a lot like
my Uncle Allen.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
had made a mess of
Barry's love life...

[DOORBELL RINGS]
...my mom had to do

some romantic cleanup
of her own.

Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.

I could really use
your help.

See, Andrew still
hasn't asked me to
the Valentine's Skate.

I'm worried
he's still into Brea.

Damn it, Dana, do I need to
put on a Dana costume

and finish the job
myself?

Why are you yelling at me?

You said you were good
at this preventa stuff.

I can lead a horse to water,

but I can't make it drink
a tall glass of blech.

No offense.

How do I not
take offense to that?

Look, you'll be fine.

You'll marry rich,
he'll get bored
after a month,

and you'll clean up
in the divorce.

Right now the only love life
I'm concerned with is Adam's.

Well, he better move fast,

because Andrew's determined
to get Brea back.

Okay, quick.
What's Brea into?

Um...
Okay, pick up the pace.

No wonder Andrew
has a wandering eye.

She likes the band
New Edition.

I can work with that.

As for you, give him
these strawberries.

And when he talks,
you just nod a lot.

But doesn't that just play
into ugly gender roles?

You will never find love.
But I...

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
time was running out
to seal the deal with Brea.

Bro, you got to ask her out
before someone else does.

I would,
but she's half my age.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. I'm going in.

[BEATBOXING]

This song goes out to the
lovely Brea... From Adam.

Good God, no.

[TO TUNE OF CANDY GIRL]
♪ Brea, girl

♪ You are Adam's world

♪ It would be so great

♪ If you were his date

♪ He really, really,
really, really

♪ Wants you to be his date ♪

I'm a rock guy,
but sometimes good
is just good.

You!

Always pull through?
I know.

I told you
I'd handle it on my own.

But I found out that Andrew
is still hung up on Brea.

He was gonna swoop right in,
and then you'd have no date.

So what?

This doesn't have
anything to do with you.

Sweetie,
we are in this together.

When you hurt, I hurt.

Are you also feeling
the overwhelming humiliation

you just caused me?

No, I'm actually still buzzing
from that amazing jam.

Well, you're right
about one thing.

You're a great preventa,

'cause you just made sure
me and Brea have no chance.

ADULT ADAM:
After losing Elana,

Barry paid a visit to the head of her department.

Professor Lee,
there's this awesome rock song
about inappropriate love

I'm trying
to base my life on.

You mean
that deafening noise

made by
morally questionable
gentlemen?

You're not a fan of rock?
Only the ones I paint.

This is one
of my most recent.

Oh, that's lovely!

You got a medium-size one
and a little fella,

and, look, [CHUCKLES]
there's a boulder.

[CHUCKLES] You know
your rock sizes.

So, is Elana in trouble
for going out with me?

It's certainly frowned upon,

but there's nothing
in the code of conduct

that says a teacher
can't date a student.

There isn't?
Nope.

Had there been,
I wouldn't have met

my one and only
sexual partner...

My wife of 30 years.

That's great...

I mean,
not about your old wife,

but Elana's not getting
in trouble?

She's not... Unless
she gave you a grade
you didn't deserve.

She gave me an A.

I'm calling the dean.
Oh, no!

Hang up that phone.
Who are you?

She's his sister.

Geoff,
I can speak for myself.

I'm his sister.
Nailed it, babe.

And here's the thing...
Barry earned that A.

Barry's paper
was smart, creative,
and oddly persuasive.

You really liked it?

I did.

And I'm sorry
I was so petty
and competitive.

The fact is,
you are so much smarter

than I give you
credit for.

Thanks.
That means a lot.

It's true.

And you deserve
to go out with Elana
if that's what you want.

Then go.
Okay.

All of you go!

ADULT ADAM: With that,
Barry knew just what to do
to fix his Valentine's Day,

and I couldn't forgive my mom for ruining mine.

Damn it, Adam,
open up.

You can't stay angry
at me forever.

ADAM: I can,
and I will.

[SIGHS]
Hey. What's
going on here?

I hired a boy band
without Adam's knowledge

to help lock down
his Valentine's date,

and for some reason,
he's mad at me.

That doesn't sound good.

I can still fix it.

I just need you
to call the school,

say you're Brea's dad,

and demand
her class schedule.

How 'bout I do nothing
and you stay out of it?

If I stayed out of it
with you and Ilene,

you'd be married
to that sack of wet corn.

Bevy,
you and I being together

has nothing to do
with you preventa'ing Ilene.

'Course it does.

No, I just liked you.

Well, yeah, but she had the,
uh... The face and the stuff.

You had everything.

Oh, Murray.

If this girl likes Adam,
it'll work out for him, too.

[MOTLEY CRUE'S
HOME SWEET HOMEPLAYS]

♪♪

♪ You know I'm a dreamer

Schmoo?

♪ But my heart's of gold

I'm sorry I interfered
with Brea.

You ask her
when you're ready.

♪ So I wouldn't come home low

But what if she says no?

Is that what you've been
afraid of?

I just like her so much.

Well, you're never gonna know
if you don't ask.

But I don't want to
mess it up.

Yeah, I might
not be impartial,

but, uh...

Anyone would be a fool
to say no to you.

♪ I'm on my way

♪ I'm on my way

ADULT ADAM: Turns out the scariest thing you can do is put yourself out there.

But then you do,
and you realize

it was exactly what you needed to move forward.

So, no one's in trouble?
Not even a little.

And, even better,
we can go out again.

Here's the thing, Barry.
I don't think we should.

Oh.

You're a great guy.

It's just not a good idea.

[SIGHS]

That sucks, but I get it.

I hope you're okay.

I am.

And I think it's time
to get myself back out there.

Thanks for helping me
realize that.

Whoever
that ends up being,

she's a lucky lady.

Not as lucky as the guy
who ends up with you.

♪ Home sweet home

Barry, wait.

One for the road?

♪ Tonight, tonight

♪ I'm on my way

♪ Just set me free

♪ Home sweet home

[VOICE BREAKING] Thank you.
That was awesome.

♪ Home sweet home

ADULT ADAM: And, sure,
sometimes it doesn't
work out how you imagined,

but if you
don't take a chance,
you'll never know

if your dreams
could become a reality.

I'm glad you asked me.
What took you so long?

Just waiting
for the right moment.

Because at the end of the day, love is about finding someone

who makes every day
feel like a dream.

♪ Home sweet home ♪

♪♪

Brea Bee.
Hi!

[BELL DINGS]

This really
has been the best
Pal-entine's Day ever.

[SIGHS]
My heart is full.

So is my stomach.
That pasta was amazing.

Oh! And the carriage ride?

Even though we didn't
have a blanket,
I still felt toasty.

Let's finish strong.

Okay. [LAUGHS]

[JACKIE JAMES'
EVERY LITTLE BITPLAYS]

♪♪

♪ 'Cause every little bit
of my heart is true

♪ This is where I belong

♪ Been savin' every little bit of my heart for you

♪ For so long ♪

[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]

We need girlfriends.
So bad.

Let's never
speak of this.