Original subtitles

Welcome back to Play Of The Week,

where each week a new play is performed live in front

of a studio audience here in Cornley and broadcast to the nation.

I am Chris Bean...the director!

Last week, you joined us

for our thrilling, unlicensed sequel to War Horse,

entitled More Horse.

I'd like to thank all those who wrote in with their complaints.

The criticisms offered were as artistically sound

as they were personally abusive.

Needless to say, I will never again be performing my Jamaican accent.

So, tonight's piece is a period romance.

The actors are prepared, the stage is set.

Please enjoy Harper's Locket!

CLONK!

Bravo, Celeste!

I always say you can get the measure of a girl by seeing how well

she swings a mallet.

And I always say you can get the measure of a man by seeing

how often he insists upon measuring ladies.

Now, now, Celeste, be nice to your fiance. Your turn, Edwin.

CLONK!

I don't know how you made that shot.

There's a storm coming. I can feel it in the air.

Celeste! The sun is shining and the sparrows are in flight.

LOUD SQUAWKING

How tranquil it is.

Sparrows are so beautiful.

I only wish they'd stay still long enough for me to paint them.

Go. Go.

SQUAWKING

Emily, how is your painting coming along?

It's very nearly finished, Father. Well, I can't wait to see it.

Where is your butler with that lemonade?

I asked him for it ten minutes ago.

If he was my man, I'd...

If he was my man, I'd have him flogged.

Really, Edwin! I'd never dream of harming a member of my staff.

I grow weary of this game.

Oh, just worried I'll win. She's a coward, eh, Edwin?

BANG!

Excuse me.

She certainly is a coward.

But that shall all have to change when we're married.

Father, please can we go outside? Not until we've had our lemonade.

Ah! Here comes Smythe now.

Thank you, Smythe.

Delicious.

Did Mrs Hargreaves make it?

Did you? Bravo. Wonderful.

Shake my hand. Don't shake my hand, in fact.

Just, er, open the wine cellar, will you?

In fact, don't. It's unlocked. On your way. What a good man.

I made the lemonade!

Thank you.

Shall we go inside? But we haven't seen Emily's painting yet.

Oh, yes, Emily. Do show us your latest masterpiece.

Oh, Emily, it's marvellous. It is the very likeness of us.

And you've included a frog.

Yes. It's the only thing I know how to paint.

What a talent. Let's head inside. Mm.

Celeste?

Cele...?

Ohhh, come on!

Celeste, aren't you coming in?

I'm sorry, Father. Celeste!

You seem most distra...

..most distracted this afternoon.

Do I?

What do you think of Edwin?

He is a fine gentleman.

And a splendid match.

He seems very keen on you. I'm sure you'll be most happy with him.

And he with my dowry. Please, Celeste!

You know I'm not long for this world...

TERRIBLE COUGHING FIT

..weak and drawn.

EVEN WORSE COUGHING FIT

This wicked illness grips tighter upon my lungs each day.

FEEBLE COUGH

Please, Papa, you must rest.

But if you drive away the baron,

who shall care for you after I've passed?

I shall care for myself.

Don't be ridiculous.

COUGHING FIT

I wish to marry for love. You must marry sensibly, Celeste.

Love will naturally follow.

Oh, please, Father!

Oh, please, Father!

CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES THE HOUR

Time to take one of your pills. Thank you.

My dear, noble papa.

I'll see you inside.

Mmff mff.

PIANO PLAYS

Mid pleasures and palaces

Though we may roam

Be it ever so humble

There's no place like home

ALL: Home, home

Sweet, sweet home

There's no place like home

There's no place like home.

PIANO STOPS

Emily, I do wish you'd play more often. Thanks, Father.

Mother always used to say practice makes perfect.

PIANO STARTS

..sweet home

There's no place like home

There's no place like home.

PIANO STOPS

Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.

Mother always used to say...

PIANO STARTS

..sweet home

BANGING AND CRASHING There's no place like home

PIANO SLOWS DOWN

There's nooooo...

..plaaaaace liiiiike...

..hoooooooooooome.

PIANO STOPS Beautiful!

Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.

Mother always used to say...

PIANO STARTS

Emily, please, stop practising! Yes, I'd like to stop practising!

We'd all like you to stop practising!

You must stop practising!

PIANO STOPS

CAT MEOWS

CAT YOWLS

MEOWING ECHOES

Emily...

..I do wish you'd play more often.

Yes. Mother always used to say practice makes perfect.

Well, not in this case.

Where's Celeste? Oh, she's sitting a while longer in the garden.

Oh, yes, it's almost four.

She'll be waiting for Harper to come back from riding.

Harper? Our stable boy. Celeste really is obsessed with horses.

Mm. Horses...

Harper!

Hello, Harper.

Hello, Harper! Oh!

Good afternoon, Miss Fennick.

And hello, Treacle. How are you, girl?

Neigh.

Why don't you join us for supper, Harper?

The thistles must not grow amongst the fine roses, miss.

Oh, Harper, I do so admire how you see the world...

..so simple...

..so pure...

..so gentle.

I ain't nothing special, miss.

I brought some oats from the pantry for your friend here.

Eat up, Treacle!

VACUUM WHIRS

Agh! Agh!

VACUUM OFF

She was hungry.

Neigh!

Harper? Miss Fennick?

THUNDER CRASHES

Get back indoors, Miss Fennick.

You don't want to get caught in the rain.

Goodbye, Harper.

Come on, girl.

Clop-clip, clop-clip.

"Clip-clop." Oh, are we both horses?

Ah, Celeste. Edwin.

I meant every word. Please, stop. I must have you, Emily.

Edwin, it's over! You're marrying my sister!

A marriage of convenience! My father wants a dowry, yours a title.

Nothing more. Oh, Edwin!

CAT MEOWS INSIDE PIANO

Meowww...wwwoh, Edwin!

You must listen to what I'm saying. But I don't want to hurt you.

BANG!

Excuse me.

But Father is ill, and if he were to find out about you and I, I...

..I fear he could not stand the shock.

Then you ought not to break it off with me.

If you do, I'll see your father learns everything.

I don't understand what you mean.

Kiss me!

No, Edwin!

Ooh!

Emily! Emily, come back!

Emily! SHE STRAINS

Emily! Emily!

Stable boy!

Stable boy! Oh! Sir. You didn't see anything just now, did you?

Nothing at all, sir.

What a charming animal.

That's a nice locket you've got there. It belonged to my mother.

Of course. I didn't imagine you could afford such fine things.

I could...

..help you with that.

Take this.

No!

Take this.

No!

Take this...

No!

Take this. QUIETLY: Don't take it.

No, I couldn't possibly, sir!

No, no.

I insist.

No!

I insist!

Do I take it? No!

You're a horse! You've got nothing to spend it on.

Apples.

Horses don't buy apples! They would if they had money.

Shut up! Take it!

There's a good chap.

MACHINE WHIRS

WHIRRING STOPS

Come on, girl.

Oh!

Whinny!

Canter, canter. Clop, clop, clop, clop...

Smythe?

Sir?

Fetch Mr Fennick, would you? Sir.

I'll be damned if a stable boy's going to cost me my dowry.

Edwin?

Ah, Mr Fennick!

May I speak with you privately? Of course.

Step out, will you, Smythe? Yes, sir.

It's rather unfortunate.

I left my wallet on the dining table just now,

and when I came back, I found a pound note missing. Good Lord!

And I hate to say it, but I saw your man Harper

leave pretty sharpish when I came in. Harper?

A thief? Thank heavens Smythe didn't hear you say that.

He is like a father to that boy. As I say, rather unfortunate.

I'll send for him now. Smythe, come in here, will you?

Sir? Smythe!

Go and fetch Harper from the stables, will you? Of course, sir.

Yes. I need to have a word with him. Sorry about all this, Edw...

So sorry about all this, Edwin. Oh, no, not at all.

It's hardly your fault. Well, it's jolly decent of you.

Mr Fennick, you wanted to see me, sir? There you are, Harper!

Smythe, wait inside, would you? As you wish, sir.

I'd rather you didn't hear this. Now...

BANGING AND CRASHING Turn out your...

HE SINGS A VERY HIGH NOTE

Turn out your pockets, Harper. What's this about, sir?

Don't play the fool with me. What do you mean?

We all know you've taken the baron's money.

I've done no such thing! Then how do you explain...

..this...

..bubble gum?

How do you explain this bubble gum?

This hasn't been invented yet!

But also, how do you explain this...

..handful of milk sachets?

You're not supposed to take these from the canteen!

But also, how do you explain this...

..Dr Frog script? "Enter Dr Frog.

"'Look at these medical reports. They're ribbeting.'"

Did you write this? This is dross!

Thank you. Where's the money? Oh! Yes.

Not your contemporary money! The money in the play!

Oh! Oh!

Then how do you explain this...

..one-pound note?

Mr Graves insisted I take it from him, sir.

I did nothing of the sort, you common thief!

What's going on? It pains me greatly to do this, Harper,

but you're relieved of your post.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Awww!

Awww!

Awww!

Awww!

Harper, this is awful.

Oh! Yes. Here. Take my locket as a token of my love.

SHE GASPS Oh! When everyone sleeps tonight,

meet me here, and, like the swallows

heading south for warmer climes, we too shall fly and start a new life.

Oh, Harper! But now go!

THUNDER CRASHES

Bray! Until tonight, my love.

HARPER CLICKS TONGUE

RIPPING

Whinny! Whinny!

Time to take your pill, Father. Ah! I suppose.

Ah-ha-ha!

Feeling better, Father?

Mush bether.

CLANGER HITS FLOOR

Ling-a-ling-a-ling...

Dinner is served. Thank you, Mrs Hargreaves.

Thank you, Smythe.

THUNDER CRASHES I was right. A storm IS coming.

RAIN POURS DOWN

Come, Papa, you must take your seat at the head of the table.

I do love this spot.

What a treat it is to be dining with family and family-to-be.

But, Celeste, why do you look so sad?

I was just thinking of poor Harper. The rain is really coming down now.

Yes. I'd hate to be out in this.

It's no less than he deserves.

Chef's finest roast vegetables.

THUD Oh! Doesn't that look good?

And...

..the gravy.

Looks delicious.

I'll just fetch the wine.

Forgive me. For such a happy occasion,

there are more tears in my eyes than I anticipated.

For now, we must toast to Celeste,

until now a Fennick and soon to be a brand-new Graves.

Water, Mr Fennick? No, thank you! I've plenty.

Thank you, Bernard, for welcoming me into your family.

Thank you, Emily, for the warmth you have shown me.

And, of course, Celeste, my love... BANGING AND CRASHING

..I cannot wait to share the rest of my life with you.

Now, please, raise your glasses to my daughter Celeste.

BANGING

But of course, it would not be right to toast my daughter without...

HAMMERING ..toasting my new son.

Let us drink as well to Baron Edwin Graves...

If it's not one thing, it's another! HAMMERING GETS LOUDER

..TO BARON EDWIN GRAVES,

THE NEWEST MEMBER OF

THE FAMILY!!!

HAMMERING STOPS Of the family.

Fixed it!

Thank you!

ALL: Cheers.

CRASH!

Sorry!

What a wonderful sentiment, Father.

My darling, what an unusual locket. Wherever did you get it?

I don't know. Erm...

I've had it for years. Is that so? It was Mother's.

Your mother's locket was silver.

I'm sure you're mistaken, Father.

How's your food? A little dry.

Oh, Father, don't start yet. We must say grace. Ah, of course.

Dear Lord...

Oh, dear Lord!

..bless this food unto us... and us to your service.

Protect us from harm and keep us safe in your kingdom. Amen!

ALL: Amen!

Marvellous. Let's tuck in.

Emily? Would you pass the horseradish?

Celeste, don't slouch.

You really must try some of this cranberry sauce. Yes, Father.

THEY WHIMPER

LOUD BANGING AND CRASHING

I, FOR ONE, AM VERY GLAD TO BE HERE WITH YOU ALL!

AND EVERYTHING IS SIMPLY DELICIOUS!

WHERE'S SMYTHE WITH THAT RUMP?

SMYTHE! SMYTHE! SMYTHE!

SMYTHE! SMYTHE!

PIANO PLAYS BEAUTIFULLY

..home

ALL: There's no place like home.

PIANO STOPS

Oh, good, the rain's stopped.

Emily, my dear, when will we be seeing you marry, I wonder?

I...

..have no intention of marrying any time soon, Father.

So young to have sworn off men already.

HE CHUCKLES

Indeed I have, Father.

My little experience of gentlemen has taught me

to...find them...quite beastly.

Father...

..would you carve the rump?

Please, allow me to season it first, sir.

And I'll, er, just...

..check that it is cooked through.

We will... We'll take it as read that that's fine to eat,

although we will not eat that.

I quite agree with you, Emily.

There are some gentlemen who are barely men and anything but gentle.

I can't stand another moment of this!

Sitting inside, all cosy and warm,

and all the while, you are lying to us!

I don't know what you mean! Don't play the fool.

You're wearing Harper's locket.

THUNDER CRASHES

Your daughter is planning to run away with a common stable boy.

Is this true, Celeste?!

It is, Father. I love him.

And I love her.

This is too much for my fragile lungs.

QUICK COUGHING FIT

Have you no shame? You're one to talk! It's time to come clean.

Emily, please! Edwin and I have been having a liaison.

Oh, my heart!

Can you ever forgive me, Celeste?

My love, it's time. We must flee this cruel house.

You'll not be going anywhere without your horse.

THEY GASP

Action!

You're right, we probably could have used less.

Treacle! Treacle! No!

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Awww!

Oh, Edwin, how could you? Now that the horse is dead,

it's time to put the dog out of its misery.

SHE GASPS

BANG!

Celeste, no!

Edwin!

ARGH!

Celeste? Oh, dear Celeste, don't die.

Celeste knew there was a terrible storm coming.

Look how happy we were just a few hours ago...

..playing croquet without a care in the world.

A frog was there.

SHE GASPS

Celeste, you're alive! How?

Harper's locket! THUNDER CRASHES

Thank God!

But what about Treacle?

Treacle! Treacle!

She's alive! She's going to be all right!

VACUUM WHIRS No, Treacle! Treacle, no!

HE CRIES OUT

Treacle! Treacle! Agh!

VACUUM STOPS

Bray, bray!

Father, I am so sorry to have caused you such pain.

My darling girl, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.

If Harper makes you happy, then you have my blessing.

Be he pauper or prince, he will be part of our family. Thank you, sir.

No, no. STUDIO AUDIENCE: Awwwww!

Where's Smythe? Smythe, you must hear of this!

STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Sir, I...

Indeed.

Emily, are you all right? Of course.

Edwin was a frightful man who preyed upon me in my young..."naivete".

BANG!

Excuse me...

I'm so sorry to have inflicted that dreadful man upon you.

Well, I say...

..good riddance to him.

THUD!

Look, everyone, the clouds are clearing.

The storm has passed. BIRDSONG

Harper?

Perhaps you'd like to join us inside.

Thank you, sir.

I feel as though an awful weight has been lifted off my lungs.

Emily, perhaps you'd play that song for us again.

Of course, Father! PIANO PLAYS

Sweet, sweet home ALL: There's no...

MEOWING ..place like home

There's no place like home.

EMILY SHRIEKS, CAT YOWLS

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0