Original subtitles

First take out the straws.

The Germans can't stand the lice, - the general said.

Only at dawn did Mitica find the piano buried in the hay.

All night long we could hear the cracking sounds of lice roasting in the fire.

In the morning we were ready to welcome our guests.

It was during the last months of the war.

We were caught in a trap, somewhere in the Ukrainian steppe.

We were waiting for the final catastrophe.

At 10.00 sharp, just as announced,

the car of our German allies drew up in front of our barracks.

Our hope was born again, our dislike of them, put on hold.

What were they coming for? What were they up to?

Was it that in the end these arrogant jerks were the ones to save us?

We might yet see, why not, a miracle!

What's with this hoopla?

Is it your national holiday?

Do we have to shout from the rooftops that I've come to Ukraine?

To our surprise and humiliation,

we immediately understood it was no military project to save the day,

but a mere stopover for a snack.

Eine Vorspeise (an appetizer in German)...

Just a bite at an Ukrainian inn

on the way of this hungry redneck of a samurai,

accompanied by a young major,

elegant and slender as a movie star.

Come... Come on, please!

XXXX

Sit down, please!

This hare... It's for you alone.

We're having beans... beans... beans...

- Would you like some hare? - No, I love beans.

I just need to open my can.

XXXX

This hare...

We've got... Neither wine... Nor beer... Or tuica (Romanian plum brandy)...

We've got... water only.

Hans! Bring the box.

This hare...

That's exactly what the General wanted to warn you about.

This hare is trimmed with bullets.

There's a crazy Russian here, every evening he hunts down hares with a Kalashnikov.

When there are no hares, he'll settle for people.

Gentlemen, a present from the General.

But on one condition, ok? We have to drink this here.

- Who among you has been to Paris? - Captain Mitica!

Gentlemen, I confess I have French blood running through my veins.

I studied in Paris. In the Sorbonne during the day, and at nighttime at the One Two Two.

- Do you know what the One Two Two is '? - I know what One Two Two is!

Then you tell them what One Two Two is.

Do y'all know what One Two Two is?

It's a whore-house, like our Stone Cross, only classier.

Do you know why it's called One Two Two'?

Cause it's on One Two Two Rue de Provence!

Tell them who used to go there: Charlie Chaplin, Jean Gabin, Leopold...

the king of Belgium. Humphrey Bogart, Greta Garbo...

Greta Garbo... How's that? That angel '? - Why, don't the angel have a dick?

They don't. man...

Marlene Dietrich, Marlene Dietrich was into flagelation. Edith Piaf...

- But why women... what was they after? - Women, of course.

The General's health!

Do you know when I last had Veuve Clicquot in Paris?

It was in '38, at the One Two Two.

Charles Trenet had just premiered La Polka du Roi...

I also have some Romanian blood.

How's that?

On the female side, my family comes from a Moldavian princess... Klarenfeld.

Von Klarenfeld

Von Klarenfeld is my name. We are an aristocratic family.

So at the beginning there was this Moldavian princess,

who married a Lithuanian prince in the 17th century.

You have Lithuanian blood, too?

Yes... yes... Lithuanian blood.

I also have Ethiopian blood.

One of my ancestors was fascinated with the Orient and with Ethiopia...

You're familiar with Pushkin's case, right?

Check my profile.

In time we've all germanized.

But originally we're Romanians.

Look, I have proof...

If you press this like dough,

you see the aurochs head in relief.

- Which of you is a stamp collector? - Captain Mitica!

Do you know anything about the aurochs-head stamps?

Too little. I've never had a chance to take the aurochs by the horns.

All I know is out of catalogs and conversations.

Too bad. Still, have you heard this stamp mentioned,

the rarest and most expensive stamp in the world?

After all, it's an honor for your country...

The first token of your liberation from the Ottoman rule.

I've heard that an American billionaire has a unique aurochs head worth 27 big ones.

I think it's just a legend...

That's no legend. It's perfectly true.

And it seems that it's the only one in the world...

It's peach-colored, not yellow-orange, like the other ones in the series.

If that's so, there have to be others, too.

I think they haven't searched deep enough into the archives of the old Romanian families.

I mean, they had no system, they were chaotic...

You're right. It was quite chaotic.

This stamp is an old obsession of mine,

but I've only started researching it in Bucharest.

I got there a few months after the synagogue had been burned down

and after the horrors at the slaughterhouse.

The Jews were lost, the billionaires wanted to emigrate, but where to?

Siberia, where Stalin had settled them?

Their chance was in Romania, though.

I tracked down a stamp in Iasi.

I settled there and started investigating.

All the information led to B�rlad,

apparently to the Costachesti, an old boyar family.

I was too late. They had sold it to a rich Jew in Chernovtsy.

I ran to Chernovtsy.

But the aurochs head had emigrated abroad, to Lwow (town in Poland).

I flew over to Lwow, the aurochs head eludes me, disappears into Moldova,

I track it down in Iasi,

during the night it disappears right out of Iasi.

It was lost for good,

but then it surfaces,

where do you think,

in Chernovtsy of course.

It had been chased back to its place of origin.

Then

the final ordeal started,

I chased it in knee-high mud,

starved, in the cold,

XXXX

to Tighina, R�bnita, Moghilev.

I met it face to face,

nowhere left to run,

it was terminus...

Vapniarka (town in Ukraine)

Here it is!

But I had to pay 50,000 marks, travel expenses not included.

Look.

The aurochs head is no longer unique.

Now there are two identical stamps in the world, but two only.

Tertium non datur (meaning "there is no third possibility").

How much do you think it's worth?

I couldn't say, at least twice or three times as much!

The hell it is! You're far off the mark.

It's at least a million, a million and a half German marks.

Look

Look at the left ear,

it's got two discontinuities in its lower side.

Look, the shades on the inside of the ear differ in shape.

And his eyes...

extraordinary,

perfectly round,

the left one is bigger, asymmetric

and the iris is doubled by a spot.

Look, General,

this small arc,

this small triumphal arch.

It's written in Romanian.

For the first time.

Porto scrisori (letters).

Excuse my interruption.

I assume the stamp was not traveling by itself,

it had company, like the rich Jew, for instance.

Naturally... I said �the stamp"... as a...

Ellipsis...

That's a classical trope used in order to avoid something potentially embarrassing.

Very useful to express ambiguity.

"Short cut", you know?

- Pardon? - The stamp is here, but the Jew is short of a head.

What happened to the Jew who was accompanying the stamp?

The Jew was paid 50,000 Marks cash. Where was I?

The eyes are round...

Yes, the eyes are round...

- The right eye is round with a stellar pupil... - Forgive me.

Vapniarka...

Vapniarka is a camp, right?

Yes...

yes, a camp.

It's not Ritz...

Sometimes they don't get hot chocolate for breakfast.

May I go on?

The right eye is round

with a stellar pupil and a trace of an eyebrow...

Honestly, I don't get you, you Romanians are very bizarre.

You can still get out of Vapniarka... still get out...

But try this in Poland...

Here you can still negotiate. You grease somebody and you're out.

With a bit of luck you get aboard a ship at Constanta And farewell to the promised land.

It's very expensive because it's a country of thieves and bandits.

- Thieving gypsies. . Yes, yes, thieving gypsies.

Present company excluded, of course.

Gentlemen...

I am not an anti-Semite...

The Von Klarenfelds are aristocrats.

All raised in a humanist, liberal tradition.

If you want to know, I've carefully researched the family archives.

I found out we have some Jewish blood.

Not much, but still, there's some Jewish blood.

And German blood, don't you have any at all?

Excellent,

excellent.

You're quick-witted, you Romanians.

Forgive me, my dear, for all the horrors you had to hear.

Go back home... to your fortress, my heart.

I'd like my stamp back, please.

It's not here.

Clear the table.

Move the tables away.

Move over there.

Undress.

Undress, y'all!

Come on, faster.

Faster.

Turn around!

Who's giggling?

Who's giggling?

Gentlemen, it's unacceptable that we don't find the stamp.

Our honor is at stake.

I prefer only one of us loses it.

That is why, despite my shame, I ask you,

I command you to submit yourselves to a severe body search

which I will conduct on all of you,

starting with myself.

Officers, get behind me, please.

Come on, Tommy.

Undress! - General... - Quiet!

Undress. - Full monty or underwear? - Full monty.

Hold it!

Hands up I

who's giggling?

Captain Tomut, I command you to join your comrades.

Captain Tomut, do you hear me?

General, if you touch me, I'll blow my brains out.

Captain Tomut, this is an order!

I won't allow anyone to! Ever! No way...

I give you my word of honor, I did not take the stamp.

I request that my word be enough.

Get his hands... Immobilize him!

Give me the key, please.

Get him!

Hold his arms.

Traitor!

General...

General!

Get down you scoundrel, I'll teach you a lesson.

I'll show you scoundrel!

Just wait and I'll show you!

That yes!

I accept, but shoot me straight in the heart.

Go away or I'll shoot you all.

Did you hear me? Get lost!

Shoot... shoot!

- I'll shoot... - Shoot!

- I'll shoot you! - It's been found...

It's been found...

A soldier put a bowl on top of the stamp...

the stamp got stuck to the bowl...

it almost got scalded in the leach pot where they wash the dishes...

A soldier put a bowl on top of the stamp...

the stamp got stuck to the bowl...

it almost got scalded in the leach pot where they wash the dishes...

A soldier put a bowl on top of the stamp...

the stamp got stuck to the bowl...

it almost got scalded in the leach pot where they wash the dishes...

General...

General!

General!

General...

Forgive me.

Forgive me... Please forgive me...

Forgive me... Please forgive me...

Forgive me...

XXXX

Let's toast some champagne. Come, everybody.

Come on, set the tables.

The chairs. Get the chairs.

Open the champagne. The glasses. Get glasses to the table.

Get chairs. Come here. Good.

Give him the chair.

Sit down, please!

Sit down! Sit down, please!

Officers...

Let's drink captain Tomut's health.

Captain Tomut, thank you!

You taught us a lesson none of us will ever forget.

Captain Tomut.

- Bravo Tomut! - Bravo!

- General, I do not deserve the honor. - Don't be so modest, boy.

What I have insulted for a stupid piece of paper, an officer's honor,

you have lifted up again at the risk of your life.

General, that is not true, and I will not deceive you a moment longer.

I had another reason to resist the search.

Do not deceive yourself.

You keep, and let us keep the unspoiled memory of your deed,

maybe the only dignified one of all we do here.

General, I cannot. My honor compels me to tell you...

Before giving you the real explanation,

I waited for the foreign guests to leave.

It's good for them to pass on a nice image of their Romanian allies,

an unspoiled image of our pride which in truth is no longer there.

Why lie now?

The truth is I, too, would have allowed myself to be searched,

like all my other comrades, which I won't humiliate any longer,

but for one terrible obstacle.

What?

- You had an identical stamp on you? - As you can see!

I got it from my mother, an old Moldavian boyar.

She gave it to me for good luck on the battlefield!

To save me from death... What can I say?

Imagine, had I allowed even a summary search to be conducted...

Why didn't you say you had a similar stamp when I ordered the search?

Too late.

And what if the lost stamp had not been found?

So why didn't you show it to us when the major pulled out the aurochs head '?

It would have been childish.

For me, mine was not a paper stamp to brag about and compete with.

Mine was - and no longer is - a talisman of a whole different value.

If I could have, I'd have kept it hidden in my heart.

Exhibiting it pained me as a deflowering would.

This amazing meeting of two aurochs heads in the middle of nowhere,

I wanted to shun it as a fatality.

I hid mine away from the beginning, as a holy memory.

The other one was bloody goods.

The confrontation was ignoble. I was unable to avoid it.

Fate made it happen!

Why show it to us now?

So you won't believe I think myself to be better than you all,

my brothers in arms.

We are a band of cowards, gentlemen,

and we should all blow our brains out

in this classroom where children learn how to read.

And now, forgive me, General, for disappointing you, and allow me to withdraw.

I need to make contact with the wilderness

as Alceste said in The Misanthrope.

- Tertium non datur! - Bravo, Nastasia Filipovna.

I want Romania to have the population of China and the destiny of France!

Bravo!

No... No, please... It's ok... You shouldn't...

Do you want a hare? Come on, I'll get you a hare.