Original subtitles

( man shouting, distorted )

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME ROCK 'N' ROLL?

I THINK IT'S A SPECIAL EVENING TONIGHT.

MAYBE IT'S NEW YEAR'S?

OKAY, I CAN HEAR IT NOW COMING THROUGH

ON THIS ANNOYING LITTLE THING ON MY EAR.

OKAY, WAIT FOR IT, EVERYBODY. WAIT FOR IT!

- 10, NINE...

All: EIGHT, SEVEN,

SIX, FIVE, FOUR,

THREE, TWO, ONE!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

* SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT *

* AND NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND? *

* SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT *

* AND DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE? *

* AND DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE, MY DEAR *

* DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE

* SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT *

* AND DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE? *

* WE TWO HAVE RUN ABOUT THE BRAES *

* AND POU'D THE GOWANS FINE *

* WE'VE WANDERED MANY A WEARY FOOT *

* TO DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE *

* TO AULD LANG SYNE, MY DEAR *

* SIN' AULD LANG SYNE

* WE'VE WANDERED MANY A WEARY FOOT *

* SIN' AULD LANG SYNE.

COME ON!

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY! THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU!

OH, AND GOOD NIGHT!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY SAD AT A GOOD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY?

WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO KISS AT MIDNIGHT.

THAT IS SO SAD.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE.

IN FACT, I DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE TO KISS

AT MIDNIGHT.

POOR YOU.

HOW DO YOU FIND THE STRENGTH TO CARRY ON?

OH, IT'S HARD. LET ME TELL YOU.

Man: SO IS THAT GUY YOUR BOYFRIEND?

IS THAT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS?

- YES. - OH, HOW'S THAT?

WELL, I NEED TO KNOW HOW HE'S GONNA TAKE IT

WHEN I LEAN IN AND GET MYSELF A NEW YEAR'S KISS

FROM THE PRETTIEST GIRL AT THE PARTY.

THANKS, MAN.

SO NOW HE'S GONNA COME OVER HERE AND KNOCK MY BLOCK OFF?

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.

AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

I'M GOING TO LET HIM.

ROBERT, THIS IS--

- ADAM. - NICE TO MEET YOU, ADAM.

NOW WHY DON'T YOU FUCK OFF?

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

REALLY, NICOLE, IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?

HE TOLD ME I WAS THE PRETTIEST GIRL AT THE PARTY.

YOU ARE SO EASY.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I'M WITH YOU.

YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?

- NO. - I AM.

I ALWAYS THINK I'M GONNA FALL AND MY BODY'S GONNA SPLATTER

ALL OVER THE PAVEMENT.

YOU KNOW, BLOOD, GUTS, BONE FRAGMENTS--

THE WHOLE SHEBANG.

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?

NO, BUT IF I HAVE NIGHTMARES TONIGHT,

I'LL KNOW WHO TO BLAME.

MELANIE.

WADE.

YOU KNOW, WADE, IF-- IF YOU HAVE NIGHTMARES TONIGHT,

YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST ROLL OVER AND SPANK ME.

I LIKE THAT. DID YOU JUST THINK THAT UP,

OR IS THAT YOUR STANDARD LINE?

WOULD I USE SOME TIRED OLD LINE ON YOU, WADE?

LOOK, THERE'S KATHY KING.

WHO THE FUCK IS KATHY KING?

KATHY KING, THE CELEBRITY CHEF.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE NEVER SEEN "COOKING A LA KING"?

DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING HOUSEWIFE?

NO, YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING SLUT.

OH, I AM, WADE. I AM.

MMM, DELICIOUS! DID YOU MAKE THIS?

ONLY ON TV.

I LOVE YOUR SHOW.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN MY SHOW.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME.

IT'S BETTER THAN PORN. IT'S FOOD PORN.

THE WAY YOU MIX THINGS UP WITH YOUR HANDS

AND LICK IT OFF YOUR FINGERS.

YOU'RE A VERY DIRTY GIRL, KATHY KING.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA, WADE EVERETT.

HUH. YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

DOESN'T EVERYBODY?

YEAH.

KATHY, HI!

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.

ISN'T THIS A SCREAM?

A PARTY ON TOP OF AN ABANDONED BUILDING.

IT'S SO-- I DON'T KNOW--

POST-APOCALYPTIC, RIGHT?

GOD, I HOPE THEY HAVEN'T DECIDED TO BLOW IT UP--

KER-POW!

I'M SORRY, DO I KNOW YOU?

PAMELA REYNOLDS, HEAD OF PROGRAMMING AT T.C.B.

KATHY, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I AM YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, PAM. I-- I HEAR THAT QUITE A LOT,

AND I'VE GOT SOME PRETTY LOYAL FANS.

OF COURSE YOU DO, AND YOU DESERVE EVEN MORE.

YOU KNOW, THE COOKING'S GREAT, IT'S FANTASTIC,

BUT I SEE YOU WITH MORE-- A WHOLE LIFESTYLE SHOW:

CELEBRITY GUESTS, A LITTLE TALK, A LITTLE COOKING,

MAYBE SOME CRAFTS. IT COULD BE HUGE.

YOU COULD BE HUGE.

HUGE.

DO YOU SKI?

WHENEVER I GET THE CHANCE.

SO WHO DO I GET TO KISS?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU GET TO KISS ME, YOU LUCKY BOY.

NO WAY, BABE. THIS IS A TWO-WAY STREET.

IF YOU GET TO KISS A STRANGER, THEN SO DO I.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT HER? SHE LOOKS SUFFICIENTLY DESPERATE.

I-- I DON'T WANT DESPERATE. I WANT YOUNG

AND SLUTTY.

HOW ABOUT ALL THREE?

- WAIT A MINUTE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - JUST A SEC.

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION.

YOU'RE LIKE PAVLOV'S DOG WITH THAT THING.

- "GIRLS AND BOYS

COME OUT TO PLAY. THE SMILEY FACE WILL LEAD THE WAY.

THIS PARTY IS SO OVER.

COME JOIN THE REAL PARTY DOWNSTAIRS-- 27th FLOOR,

ELEVATOR NUMBER FIVE, PUNCH IN THE CODE

101."

- ( whispers ) I JUST CAME HERE TO KISS YOU.

AHH!

OKAY, SO, WE HAVE...

A LITTLE BIT FOR MELANIE.

AND A LITTLE BIT FOR ADAM.

"GIRLS AND BOYS

COME OUT TO PLAY"-- AH.

Woman: * Girls and boys, come out to play *

* The moon is shining bright as day... *

AH, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS COMING?

"LOSER." THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.

COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. COULD HAVE BEEN "PIG."

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?

NO NO, IT'S JUST THE GUEST LIST.

SOME GUY NAMED ADAM IS "THE PIG."

PAMELA IS "TWO-FACED."

NICOLE IS "HEARTLESS."

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

"LOVERBOY."

THAT'S NOT SO BAD. YOU GOT OFF EASY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? MAKES ME SOUND LIKE

SOME KIND OF PIN-UP FROM "TEEN DREAM" MAGAZINE.

WELL, AREN'T YOU?

ONE TIME. ONE TIME I POSED FOR THAT RAG.

THAT'S IT, I'M FIRING MY PUBLICIST.

WELL, THAT'S STILL BETTER THAN "LOSER."

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

WHO IS OUR GRACIOUS HOST?

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D KNOW.

SO WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

IT'S LIKE A V.I.P. PARTY.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

WHAT ELSE IS IT GONNA BE?

IT'LL BE FUN.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE GOING TO MEET THAT GUY, AREN'T YOU?

THAT'S WHAT ALL THIS IS ABOUT.

YOU'RE SO CUTE WHEN YOU'RE JEALOUS.

I SHOULD KISS STRANGERS MORE OFTEN.

- HMM. - HMM.

OH, LOOK. MUST BE ADAM.

THE PIG!

AND WHO'S SHE? TWO-FACED OR...

HEARTLESS?

IT'S HARD TO SAY. HER NAME'S, UH...

MELANIE.

...MELANIE,

SO SHE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT INVITED.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M A PARTY CRASHER.

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?

WE ALL GOT PLACE CARDS WITH NASTY LITTLE PET NAMES ON THEM.

OH, HOW FUN.

WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO

MAKE UP MY OWN LITTLE NASTY PET NAME.

HOW ABOUT GIGGLING COKE WHORE?

AH! YOU ARE A PIG.

WHAT'S UP WITH THIS PLACE?

I THOUGHT IT WAS A JUNUS MEDIA BUILDING.

- NOT ANYMORE. - HEY, DO I KNOW YOU?

I DON'T THINK SO.

THIS IS KATHY KING! SHE'S ON TV, MAN.

CAN'T WALK DOWN THE STREET WITHOUT SEEING HER

ON A BILLBOARD OR THE SIDE OF A BUS.

OH, RIGHT! THAT MUST BE IT.

SO MAYBE THIS IS SOME KIND OF HIDDEN-CAMERA THING.

WELL, YOU GUYS ARE CELEBRITIES.

WANNA GET CAUGHT ON TAPE?

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.

- GOING DOWN? - "GIRLS AND BOYS COME OUT TO PLAY..."

- WELL, AREN'T WE SPECIAL? - IT SAYS, "OUT OF ORDER."

PROBABLY TO KEEP OUT THE RIFFRAFF.

* GIRLS AND BOYS COME OUT TO PLAY *

* THE MOON IS SHINING BRIGHT AS DAY... *

THE GIRLS ARE HERE,

AND ANOTHER PARTY-CRASHER.

WE CAN'T HAVE A PARTY WITHOUT A FEW CRASHERS.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT GUY WASN'T GONNA BE HERE.

I NEVER SAID THAT.

KATHY, I WAS HOPING I WOULD SEE YOU AGAIN.

EVERYONE, MEET PAMELA.

OH, THE TWO-FACED BITCH.

EXCUSE ME?

WHOEVER'S THROWING THIS LITTLE SHINDIG

HAS PRETTY STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT ALL OF US.

UH, THIS IS YOURS.

"HEARTLESS"? WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

WE DON'T KNOW, MAN. WE ALL JUST GOT HERE.

SO EITHER YOU CAN JOIN THE PARTY,

OR YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

- DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. - OOH.

I'M JUST GIVING YOU YOUR OPTIONS, BOB.

I MEAN, YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY INVITED.

NOBODY CALLS ME BOB, ASSHOLE.

ONLY MY MOM CALLS ME ASSHOLE, BOB.

WELL, I THINK THERE'S ENOUGH CAKE FOR EVERYONE,

SO LET'S ALL JUST...

YOU KNOW, SETTLE DOWN. OKAY?

YEAH, COME ON.

IT DOES SAY, "EAT ME."

I SAY THAT ALL THE TIME.

DOESN'T ALWAYS GET RESULTS.

SOMETHING TELLS ME OUR GRACIOUS HOST

ISN'T GONNA BE SHOWING UP ANYTIME SOON.

MORE CAKE FOR THE REST OF US.

SO LET'S DIG IN.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NOT THE PRETTIEST GIRL AT THE PARTY AFTER ALL.

OH LOOK, SOMETHING'S WRITTEN UNDERNEATH.

Pamela: "THIS LITTLE PIGGY FOUND SILVER.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY FOUND GOLD.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY ATE MY CAKE.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE.

AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY CRIED 'WEE WEE WEE'

ALL THE WAY TO 2721."

That's not how I learned it.

No, it's a treasure hunt. This is the first clue.

Oh, I love treasure hunts!

This is going to be fun.

2721. MUST BE A ROOM NUMBER.

MAYBE THAT'S WHERE THE REAL PARTY IS.

THIS PARTY ISN'T REAL ENOUGH FOR YA?

ALL RIGHT, OUT OF MY WAY,

BECAUSE I AM GONNA WIN THIS PRIZE.

- WHO SAYS THERE'S A PRIZE? - Nicole: THERE'S ALWAYS A PRIZE,

OTHERWISE IT WOULDN'T BE A TREASURE HUNT.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS? - I DON'T KNOW.

COULD BE A GIANT TEDDY BEAR.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THOSE.

I HAD A BOYFRIEND ONCE WHO SPENT LIKE 100 BUCKS

TRYING TO WIN ONE FOR ME AT A CARNIVAL.

COULDN'T DO IT?

HE WAS SORT OF THE WIMPY TYPE.

- IT WASN'T ME. - WHO SAID IT WAS?

ANYWAY, THOSE THINGS ARE RIGGED.

AH.

"WRONG WAY."

- ALL RIGHT, BACK.

BACK.

JEEZ.

THERE'S ALWAYS A WAY TO BEAT THE SYSTEM, ROBERT.

YOU JUST GOTTA KNOW HOW.

Robert: AND I SUPPOSE YOU KNOW HOW?

I'VE WON A FEW TEDDY BEARS IN MY TIME.

GIANT TEDDY BEARS? 'CAUSE THAT IS WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE.

GIANT TEDDY BEARS, NOT THE LITTLE ONES.

SO MUCH TESTOSTERONE.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT ONE OF THOSE LITTLE DOLLS WHO WETS HERSELF?

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THOSE TOO.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT ONE OF THOSE LITTLE DOLLS THAT SHITS HERSELF?

WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON, BRO.

LOOK!

2721.

OH MY GOD.

THIS MUST BE OUR HOST.

OH MY GOD. EW!

I REALLY CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT THE TREASURE IS.

I DON'T THINK I LIKE THIS GAME ANYMORE.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THERE'S A LOT OF GREAT RECIPES FOR PIG'S HEAD--

TASTY HEAD CHEESE, A SCRUMPTIOUS JELLY.

IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?

FOOD IS MY LIFE.

I COULD BUILD A WHOLE SHOW AROUND THIS.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK, PAM? - LOVE IT.

AHA!

OUR NEXT MISSION, SHOULD WE CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT--

- GIVE ME THAT! - GOSH, PAM.

NO NEED TO BE SO RUDE.

"DICKERY DICKERY DARE, THE PIG GAVE QUITE A SCARE.

YOU NOW MUST GO WHERE WATER FLOWS.

Dickery dickery dare."

- OKAY, SO-- - WHERE WATER FLOWS?

OBVIOUSLY IT'S A BATHROOM.

HEY, HOW ABOUT A WATER FOUNTAIN?

COULD BE A LOT OF THINGS.

YOU PEOPLE ARE INSANE.

ANY GAME THAT STARTS WITH A ROTTING PIG'S HEAD

IS NOT GONNA END WITH A GIANT TEDDY BEAR.

IT'S JUST A PLOY TO WEED OUT THE WEAK.

WELL, I'M CERTAINLY NOT WEAK.

AND LOOK AT ALL THESE PEARLS.

THEY'RE PLASTIC.

I DON'T KNOW. I THINK THEY'RE PRETTY.

BET I FIND IT FIRST.

- I BET I DO. - WINNER TAKES ALL?

- TAKES ALL WHAT? - I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

YOU ARE ON.

HEY, GIRLFRIEND, LET'S TEAM UP.

LISTEN, PAMELA, YOU CAN STOP KISSING MY ASS.

IT'S A PARTY, NOT A BUSINESS MEETING.

LIGHTEN UP.

I-- I REALLY AM A BIG FAN.

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU LOVED TREASURE HUNTS?

I CERTAINLY SEE YOU ENJOY MAKING GOO-GOO EYES

- AT THAT DICK ON A STICK. - YEAH, WELL,

THIS PLACE IS GIVING ME THE CREEPS.

HOW ABOUT THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES?

WOULD YOU SAY IT'S GIVING YOU THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES?

NO, I'D SAY IT'S GIVING ME THE HEEBEDY-JEEBEDIES, OKAY?

SO I'M LEAVING.

LET'S JUST STAY AND FINISH THE GAME.

I DON'T WANT THAT FUCKER TO GET THE BEST OF ME.

- HUH? - YOU'RE SUCH A GUY.

- COME ON.

AREN'T YOU JUST DYING TO SEE HOW IT TURNS OUT?

- HMM? - OH!

Child in distance: Piggy piggy, come in here.

( child speaking gibberish )

Piggy piggy piggy.

Piggy piggy!

Yah! Ah.

Piggy, come here.

( continues speaking gibberish )

Little piggy.

MAN, THIS LITTLE PIGGY NEEDS A SMOKE.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY GOT HIS BONE SMOKES.

Nicole: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CONVINCED ME TO STAY DOWN HERE.

GOD, I THINK IT'S ACTUALLY COLDER IN HERE

THAN IT IS OUTSIDE.

WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE?

I TOLD YOU TO WEAR SOMETHING WARMER.

BUT THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE LOOKED AS NICE.

DON'T YOU THINK I LOOK NICE?

YOU ALWAYS LOOK NICE.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY THAT I NEVER LOOK NICE.

I DON'T QUITE FOLLOW YOUR LOGIC.

IT MEANS THAT YOU NEVER REALLY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

YOU TAKE A COMPLIMENT AND TURN IT INTO AN INSULT.

PRACTICE.

I FIGURED HERE, LOVERBOY.

COME ON, MELANIE. THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE.

THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S GONNA BE OUR LITTLE SECRET HIDEOUT.

OOPS. SORRY.

SEE?

NOW SHE'S GOT THE WRONG IDEA.

WELL, IT'S-- IT'S NOT WRONG IF WE MAKE IT RIGHT.

LOOK, NO OFFENSE--

I'VE FUCKED ENOUGH SKANKS FOR A LIFETIME.

OH, YEAH? WELL, I HAVEN'T.

YOU SEE ANYTHING?

OH MY GOD, THERE'S A COUCH AND--

- IT'S--

OKAY, VERY FUNNY.

NO, I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

I GOT THAT.

WHY IS IT THAT THE LADIES' ROOM IS ALWAYS SO MUCH CLEANER

THAN THE MEN'S ROOM? I MEAN, IS THAT FAIR?

WELL, LET'S SEE. WE GET CLEAN BATHROOMS,

YOU GET TO RUN THE WORLD. SO, NO,

I GUESS IT'S NOT FAIR.

- I GUESS NOT. - AH.

- THE RULING- THE-WORLD THING, THAT'S-- - YEAH.

- IT'S-- IT'S LIKE A BONUS. - YEAH.

OOH, GOD. YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH.

SORRY. ANY LUCK?

WELL, IT AIN'T BACK THERE.

- "WHERE WATER FLOWS." - YEAH.

WATER FLOWS.

WAIT, IS THERE A FIRE HOSE?

YEAH.

YEAH YEAH, I SAW ONE.

- IT WAS THIS WAY. - YEAH? OKAY.

LOOK, I'M SORRY IF I CAME ON A LITTLE STRONG BEFORE.

IT'S JUST, I REALLY LOVE MY JOB--

OH, THIS WAY.

I CAN NEVER SEEM TO FIND THE OFF SWITCH.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I GUESS I SHOULD BE FLATTERED.

THERE IT IS.

OH.

LOOK.

WE FOUND IT!

FIRE HOSE. I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF IT.

ARE YOU LOVING ME NOW OR WHAT?

YOU CAN TAKE CREDIT IF YOU WANT.

WHERE ARE YOU?

Pamela: OVER HERE!

- OH GOD, THIS PLACE IS SO CONFUSING. - AND CREEPY.

- AND HEEBEDY-JEEBEDY. - SHUT UP!

- I WIN THE BET. - I OWE YOU.

SO WHAT IS IT THIS TIME,

"RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THREE MEN IN A TUB"?

CLOSE.

"GEORGIE PORGIE PUDDING AND PIE

PUSHED THE GIRL AND MADE HER CRY,

BEFORE THE PIG BEGINS TO ROT,

FIND THE 'X' THAT MARKS THE SPOT."

THIS IS GETTING DUMBER AND DUMBER.

- WELL, YOU WOULD KNOW. - UH.

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THIS IS SOME ELABORATE PRANK?

MAYBE THAT GUY ADAM WAS RIGHT.

MAYBE THIS IS SOME KIND OF HIDDEN-CAMERA THING.

HI, MOM.

OH, YEAH, WHERE IS ADAM?

YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO KEEP TRACK OF YOUR BOYFRIEND.

HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

HE IS JUST A GUY I BLEW.

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND?

AREN'T YOU GONNA ASK IF SHE SPITS OR SWALLOWS?

WE JUST CAME FROM THERE. I DIDN'T SEE ANY "X" MARKING THE SPOT.

UH, AN "X," OKAY.

AN "X." WHAT KIND OF AN "X"?

WELL, WE PASSED A FEW DOORS WITH LETTERS ON THEM.

A, B, C...

MAYBE IT GOES ALL THE WAY TO "X"?

THAT WAY.

Nicole: HERE'S "D."

"K"?

"Q"...

Wade: THEY'RE NOT EVEN ALPHABETICAL?

OH, COME ON.

WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT?

"JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILL TO FIND THEMSELVES A TREASURE.

JACK WORE A FROWN LIKE A SAD LITTLE CLOWN

BUT JILL WAS VERY CLEVER."

"X" MARKS THE SPOT.

THAT'S CUTE. ARE YOU A WRITER?

IN A WAY. DO YOU EVER READ THE ADVICE COLUMN,

"EVELYN KNOWS BEST"?

- THAT'S YOU? - THAT'S ME.

NO, "EVELYN KNOWS BEST" IS LIKE SOME OLD LADY.

YEAH, AND SHE DIED, SO NOW IT'S ME.

YOU HAVE A GREAT FACE. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT TELEVISION?

YEAH, I HAVE.

MAYBE SHE COULD HAVE HER OWN LIFESTYLE SHOW?

NO, BUT SHE COULD CERTAINLY HAVE A REGULAR SPOT

ON YOUR NEW LIFESTYLE SHOW.

YOU REALLY ARE A GO-GETTER.

I NEVER LET ANYTHING STOP ME,

AND I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT.

YEAH, BUT DO YOU EVER GET WHAT YOU DESERVE?

- HOLY SHIT. - Robert: FUCK.

OH MY GOD.

IT'S A JOKE. IT'S GOT TO BE A JOKE, RIGHT?

- ARE YOU COMING? - NO WAY.

OH MY GOD.

- CALL THE POLICE. - WHAT?

HE'S DEAD.

WHAT?

NO, HE'S NOT.

HE CAN'T BE.

- ADAM? - DON'T TOUCH HIM.

AH!

I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

MY GOD!

WE ARE OUT OF HERE!

HOLD THE DOOR!

- AH. - FUCKING BITCH.

( Melanie screaming, pounding )

OH, SHIT!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- OPEN THE DOOR, MAN! - I'M TRYING!

OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR.

NO, IT'S A TRAP!

OH MY GOD, SHE'S HAVING A SEIZURE!

GET ME A SPOON TO STICK IN HER MOUTH

SO SHE DOESN'T SWALLOW HER TONGUE.

CALL 911!

- I HAVEN'T GOT A SIGNAL.

SHIT!

- YOU GOT A SIGNAL YET? - NOTHING.

SIGNAL BLOCKED? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS SOMEBODY BLOCKED THE SIGNAL.

Nicole: LOOK, THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE!

HELP! HELP!

- LOOK UP! - Robert: THEY'RE NOT GONNA HEAR YOU.

WE'RE ON THE 27th FLOOR.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

TWO PEOPLE ARE DEAD.

YEAH, I THINK WE GOT THAT.

Nicole: Why? Why?

Wade: Somebody's fucking with us.

Pamela: I'd say he's doing a little more than that.

- Robert: Who is doing this? - Nicole: We don't know.

OH MY GOD.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

WHOEVER IT IS WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO BRING US ALL DOWN HERE.

NOW HE'S GONNA PICK US OFF ONE BY ONE

LIKE LITTLE DUCKIES AT THE SHOOTING GALLERY.

CALM DOWN!

BUT WHY US? WHAT'S THE CONNECTION?

WE ALL HAVE ENEMIES, RIGHT?

IT'S GOT TO BE ONE WE HAVE IN COMMON.

I DON'T HAVE ENEMIES.

EVERYBODY LOVES ME.

OBVIOUSLY NOT EVERYBODY.

IT SAID "PIG." IT SAID "PIG,"

AND HE WAS SLAUGHTERED LIKE A PIG.

THAT'S HOW HE'S GONNA DO IT.

WHAT DID MINE SAY?

"TWO-FACED."

THESE ARE CLUES.

AND WHAT ABOUT HER?

SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ONE OF THOSE STUPID CARDS

AND NOW LOOK AT HER! SHE'S A NEW YEAR'S SPECIAL.

STOP IT. LET'S TRY TO THINK.

WHAT'S THERE TO THINK ABOUT? LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

- IT WON'T LIGHT UP!

IT SAID, "OUT OF ORDER."

THAT DIDN'T STOP THE DAMN THING

FROM BRINGING US DOWN HERE.

DON'T YELL AT ME.

I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

HEY, THAT'S UNCALLED FOR.

WHAT'S SHE DOING BRINGING ME INTO IT?

IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

YOU WERE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT HIM TO THE PARTY.

- SOME PARTY! - FACE IT, LADY.

YOU CAN DISH IT OUT BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE IT.

- OH, YOU'RE A DICK. - OH, YEAH?

STICKS AND STONES, HONEY. STICKS AND STONES.

I WOULDN'T EVEN WANT TO GET IN THAT THING.

LET'S TRY THE STAIRS. COME ON.

THERE'S AN IDEA.

THERE WAS ANOTHER EXIT SIGN DOWN HERE.

YOU MEAN WHERE WE FOUND ADAM?

YEAH.

I GUESS YOU WON'T BE KISSING HIM GOODBYE.

Nicole: I'M NOT GOING IN THERE AGAIN.

IF IT'S A WAY OUT, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO.

WELL, WHEN YOU FIND A WAY OUT, TELL ME

AND I'LL BE WAITING RIGHT HERE.

FINE!

DON'T LOOK UP.

DON'T LOOK UP. DON'T LOOK UP.

AH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GETTING MYSELF A GODDAMN WEAPON.

YOU'RE GONNA THANK ME LATER.

DID YOU FIND A WAY OUT?

LOCKED.

LOOK, A SECURITY PHONE.

WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

* Girls and boys come out to play... *

AH. YOU HAD TO KNOW IT WASN'T GOING TO BE THAT EASY.

OH!

ARE YOU ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS?

I MEAN, IS IT BETTER THAN FANTASY CAMP?

YEAH, THIS IS WHAT I REALLY LOVE AT A PARTY--

FOOD, DRINK AND FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE.

IT WON'T BUDGE.

IT'S A STEEL DOOR.

YOU ARE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO KICK IT DOWN.

- AND YOU MIGHT HURT YOURSELF. - YEAH, THANKS.

WELL, YOU HAD TO KNOW IT WASN'T GONNA BE THAT EASY.

WE NEED TO FIND SOMETHING TO PRY IT OPEN.

YEAH.

DID YOU FIND AN EXIT?

- LOCKED. YOU? - Wade: SAME.

I GOT THIS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

- HOLY SHIT. - OH MY GOD.

HE'S WATCHING US. HE'S RIGHT HERE.

COME ON OUT, ASSHOLE!

YOU LIKE NURSERY RHYMES? I GOT A NURSERY RHYME FOR YOU!

FUCK OFF!

DON'T TOUCH IT. IT COULD BE A BOMB.

IF HE WANTED TO BLOW US UP, HE'D HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.

"SIMON SAYS,

'TRY THIS.'"

HE'S TAUNTING US.

I HATE THAT.

WHAT KIND OF A KILLER LEAVES A WEAPON BEHIND?

ONE THAT DOESN'T SEE US AS A THREAT.

SO LET'S TRY IT.

NO, DON'T. THAT'S JUST WHAT HE WANTS.

OR MAYBE WHAT HE WANTS IS TO PLAY ENOUGH MIND GAMES WITH US

THAT WE START TO SECOND-GUESS EVERY SINGLE THING WE DO.

MAYBE.

COME ON, LET ME HAVE A GO.

GOOD LUCK.

GIVE ME A HAND.

- OKAY. - WAIT.

Pamela: "MARY MARY QUITE CONTRARY,

WHERE WAS SHE TRYING TO GO?

SHE PARTY-CRASHED THEN HAD TO DASH,

BUT YOU CAN'T LEAVE UNTIL I SAY SO."

OKAY, YOU CAN STOP READING THEM OUT LOUD NOW.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.

I'M SO SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT!

IF WE DON'T DO WHAT HE SAYS, HE'S GONNA KILL US.

HE'S GONNA KILL US ANYWAY!

WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

SO WHAT'S THIS IDEA?

GOING DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT.

ARE YOU HIGH?

YEAH, JUST A LITTLE. PIG BOY REALLY KILLED MY BUZZ.

NO NO NO, WAIT. MAYBE THIS IS WHAT HE WANTS US TO DO.

OH, SHUT UP!

HEY, NOBODY TALKS TO HER THAT WAY BUT ME.

FUCK YOU BOTH. GOD, I HATE MEN.

UH, THAT IS THE ONE WITH THE BLADES, ACE.

OH, YEAH. SORRY.

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE... ACE?

CARE TO COMMENT?

I HAVE TO ADMIT, I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

GET A TABLE.

I NEED SOMETHING TO PROP THE DOORS OPEN WITH.

I'LL GO FIRST.

OH, WHAT IS THIS? FOLLOW THE LEADER?

- I AM SICK OF PARTY GAMES. - WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

NOTHING, MAN, I JUST THOUGHT WE WERE LIVING IN A DEMOCRACY, THAT'S ALL.

I DIDN'T REALIZE SOMEBODY COULD CROWN THEMSELVES KING AROUND HERE.

I MEAN, WHO SAYS YOU GET TO GO FIRST?

FINE, WE'LL VOTE ON IT. A SHOW OF HANDS--

WHO THINKS WADE SHOULD GO FIRST?

OKAY, LITTLE MISS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

I CHANGED MY MIND. YOU GO FIRST.

TOO LATE.

I DON'T LIKE THIS. I DON'T LIKE IT.

WHO GOES NEXT?

ROBERT?

NO. I'LL GO LAST...

JUST IN CASE THAT BASTARD TRIES TO ATTACK.

OKAY, I'M IN.

OKAY, COME ON.

I'M NOT HAPPY.

YEAH? JOIN THE CLUB.

I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING.

- WHAT? - I'M NOT GOOD IN A CRISIS.

- COME ON, NICOLE. - I CAN'T.

WELL, GET OVER IT.

I CAN'T DO IT.

HOLY SHIT, HE'S COMING!

- HE'S COMING!

I'LL GET YOU OUT.

WHERE IS HE? IS HE COMING?

I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING TO GET NICOLE'S ASS IN HERE.

YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE WITH ME, MISTER--

BIG BIG TROUBLE!

AT THE MOMENT, NICOLE, I'M NOT ALL THAT WORRIED

ABOUT BEING IN TROUBLE WITH YOU.

SO PEOPLE WRITE TO YOU WITH THEIR PROBLEMS?

WHAT?

UH, YEAH.

AND YOU SOLVE THEM?

YES, THAT'S MY JOB.

GOT A SOLUTION FOR THIS?

ARE YOU GUYS COMING OR WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "YOU GUYS"?

I'M THE LAST ONE UP HERE.

WHAT ABOUT PAM? WHERE'S PAM?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHERE'S PAM?

PAM'S WITH YOU.

Wade: NO, MAN. PAM'S WITH YOU.

OH, NO NO NO NO.

- OH MY GOD. - CALM DOWN, OKAY?

SHE'S DEAD. SHE'S DEAD. THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

SHE'S DEAD!

IF SHE'D FALLEN DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT,

- WE'D HAVE HEARD HER. - SHE DIDN'T FALL.

DON'T YOU GET IT?

- Wade: YOU OKAY? - Robert: YEAH YEAH.

DID YOU SEE ANYTHING?

- NO, NOTHING. - SHE CAN'T HAVE JUST DISAPPEARED.

YOU ARE SO NAIVE.

SHE'S NOT IN THERE, MAN. I WOULD HAVE SEEN HER.

MAYBE YOU WEREN'T LOOKING HARD ENOUGH.

IT'S AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YOU CANNOT HIDE IN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT.

IT'S A... SHAFT.

WHAT A GREAT PLAN. WE LOST ANOTHER ONE

AND NOW HE GETS TO KILL US IN THE DARK.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE IN THE DARK.

THEN LET'S FIND THE CIRCUIT BREAKER

SO HE CAN KILL US WITH THE LIGHTS ON.

HOLD ON, I'VE GOT ONE OF THOSE--

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THESE.

OH, WAIT, ME TOO.

WELL, THAT'S JUST TERRIFIC, 'CAUSE NOW WE CAN SEE--

WHAT, THREE INCHES IN FRONT OF US?

YEAH, WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.

WE MEET BACK HERE IN 10 MINUTES...

NO MATTER WHAT.

DON'T YOU WANT TO SYNCHRONIZE WATCHES?

YOU ARE NOT TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY.

ON THE CONTRARY, I TAKE THIS A LOT MORE SERIOUSLY

THAN SOMEONE WHO THINKS THAT A DRUG-ADDLED POPSTAR REJECT

IS JUST THE GUY TO FOLLOW DOWN A FUCKING ELEVATOR SHAFT!

SHH! KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

AH, GIVE ME THAT. HEY!

- WELL, I NEED SOMETHING.

WILL YOU HOLD MY HAND?

I'M JUST FEELING A LITTLE--

HOW'S THAT?

THAT'S BETTER.

SHINE IT ON THE WALL. THE WALL!

I AM TRYING TO SEE WHERE WE ARE GOING.

WE ARE TRYING TO FIND THE CIRCUIT BREAKERS.

WHY DID I PICK UP THE PHONE?

WHY DID I EVEN READ THAT STUPID TEXT MESSAGE?

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

GET THE FUCKING FIRE DEPARTMENT OVER HERE.

( whimsical music playing over P.A. )

THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL.

NOW WHAT?

THERE IT IS. DO YOU SEE IT?

Man over P.A.: Round and round the spinning wheel goes.

Where it will stop, nobody knows.

Welcome to "Where's that Girl?" Keep guessing.

To save her life, you must choose--

is she behind door A, B or C?

But be careful. Surprises await behind every door.

And don't forget, time is running out.

Tick tock, tick tock.

- THERE'S A COUNTDOWN. - THEN HE'S GONNA KILL HER.

- WE HAVE TO FIND HER. - COME ON.

- WAIT. - WHAT?

- I THINK WE SHOULD SPLIT UP. - YOU'RE CRAZY.

I SAW THE STUDIOS BACK THIS WAY.

NO, WAIT! LOOK!

- HEY! - HEY, COME ON, TURN AROUND!

IT'LL GIVE US A BETTER CHANCE OF FINDING HER. I'LL GO THAT WAY.

- WE JUST CAME FROM THERE. - YEAH, BUT IT WAS DARK.

WE STICK TOGETHER, OKAY?

OH, LOOK.

YEAH, LET'S GO.

- HEY! - AHH!

OH, FUCK!

- DID YOU SEE HIM? - NO.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. HE JUST CAME DOWN HERE.

- OH, PAM. - WE HAVE TO FIND HER.

DOOR A, B OR C?

BUT IT COULD BE A TRAP. HE SAID THERE WERE SURPRISES.

WE HAVE TO TRY.

Hello, and welcome to "Cooking a la King."

I'm your host Kathy King.

AH, NO.

- WHERE IS KATHY? - COME ON.

BUT THERE'S NO TIME. WHAT ABOUT PAM?

COME ON.

SHE WAS JUST HERE! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OH GOD! I SAW HIM, I WENT AFTER HIM.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE ME?

MAYBE SHE'S WAITING AT THE ELEVATOR LIKE YOU SAID?

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

SHIT!

OH MY GOD.

TWO-FACED.

OH, SHIT!

COME ON, THIS WAY.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?

WHAT DID WE EVER DO?

THE ONLY WAY WE'RE GONNA GET OUT OF THIS

IS IF WE KILL HIM.

WE HAVE TO KILL HIM.

LET'S TAKE THE FIGHT TO HIM.

HOLD ON!

LET'S JUST WAIT A MINUTE. OKAY?

WITH ALL THIS RUNNING AROUND,

MAYBE WE'RE PLAYING RIGHT INTO HIS HANDS.

WHAT IF WE STAY HERE TILL DAY,

- BARRICADE OURSELVES IN? - ROBERT!

OH!

ROBERT!

- HE'S NEAR THE ELEVATORS. - LET'S GO.

NO! WAIT!

NO! NO, IT'S TOO LATE!

LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME! WE HAVE TO KEEP MOVING.

COME ON! WE HAVE TO TRY AND SAVE OURSELVES.

AT LEAST WE KNOW THIS ONE'S NOT BRICKED UP.

AND DON'T TELL ME IT'S A TRAP.

WELL, DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.

- UP OR DOWN? - UP.

TRY TO GET BACK TO THE PARTY.

NO, I SAY DOWN. LET'S TRY TO GET OUT OF THE BUILDING.

MAYBE THE GLOW STICK ISN'T SUCH A HOT IDEA.

I DON'T LIKE THE ALTERNATIVE.

YEAH, WE KNOW. YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE IN THE DARK.

AS SOON AS I GET THE CHANCE.

- "HIGH VOLTAGE." - WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

LET'S TRY TO GET BACK TO THE PARTY.

Kathy: SO WE'RE BACK AT SQUARE ONE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST KILL OURSELVES AND BEAT HIM TO THE PUNCH.

DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

"BUSTED."

BLACKJACK. IT'S LIKE A GAME OF BLACKJACK.

WE BUSTED OUT!

I GUESS NOW WE HAVE TO GO TO 21.

COME ON.

WAIT, WHY DO THEY WANT US TO GO TO 21?

MAYBE IT'S A TRAP.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY THIS ONE INSTEAD.

GOOD IDEA.

WHEN I SAY IT'S A TRAP PEOPLE TELL ME TO SHUT UP,

BUT SHE SAYS IT AND ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE'S A GENIUS.

OH MY GOD.

LOOK AT ALL THIS.

PICTURES HERE OF ALL OF US.

THAT'S TWO YEARS AGO.

- WHAT'S THAT? - I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S A G.P.S. HERE'S WHERE WE ARE.

AND WHAT'S THAT?

OH MY GOD, IT'S HIM.

HE'S COMING THIS WAY.

OH, JEEZ!

- ROBERT, YOU'RE-- - ALIVE? YEAH, THANKS.

THANKS FOR CARING.

- DID YOU KILL HIM? - NO.

BUT THANKS FOR HOLDING ONTO THIS, BY THE WAY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I NEEDED IT OR ANYTHING.

WHAT?

- HOW DID YOU GET AWAY? - I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT FOR SURE I WAS GONNA DIE, AND THEN HE WAS GONE.

- JUST LIKE THAT, HUH? - YEAH.

THAT'S KIND OF STRANGE, DON'T YOU THINK?

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

- YOU'RE HELPING HIM TRACK US. - WHAT?

YOU SEE THIS LITTLE DOT? THIS IS YOU.

WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS?

YOU'RE IN ON THIS, AREN'T YOU?

NICOLE, PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE.

YOUR NAME WASN'T ON THE LIST. WHY WASN'T YOUR NAME ON THE LIST?

MELANIE'S NAME WAS NOT ON THE LIST.

Nicole: AND NOW SHE'S DEAD, BUT YOU'RE NOT DEAD?

HE LET YOU GO. WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

WHAT THE--

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

OKAY, LOOK, LET'S JUST NOT FIGHT. THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP.

JUST TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.

EXCUSE ME?

SO WE CAN FIND THE TRANSMITTER.

YEAH.

KEEP GOING.

YOU'RE JUST LOVING THIS, AREN'T YOU?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT THAT IDEA, SAILOR.

I LIKE GIRLS MYSELF.

IT'S FUCKING FREEZING IN HERE.

- WHAT'S THIS? - THAT--

THAT IS WHAT I WOULD CALL A HUGE ERROR IN JUDGMENT.

OH, ROBERT.

I ONLY HOPE THE JEWELER WILL TAKE IT BACK.

STILL ON YOU.

WELL, UNLESS SHE STUCK IT UP MY ASS THIS MORNING,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

YOU MUST HAVE SWALLOWED IT.

IT WAS IN THE CAKE.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU'D LIKE US TO BELIEVE.

I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS WHAT YOU BELIEVE.

WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

HE'S BEEN KEEPING TABS ON ALL OF US FOR YEARS.

HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH?

"NEW MEAT."

LOOKS LIKE I AM ON THE LIST NOW.

SO LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS.

- What do you do for a living, Robert? - Nicole: He's a lawyer.

- Kathy: Entertainment lawyer? - Robert: Yeah, so what?

Kathy: So we're all in the entertainment industry

in one way or another. Maybe that's the connection.

IT'S A JUNUS-FUCKING-MEDIA PARTY UPSTAIRS.

OF COURSE WE'RE ALL IN THE BUSINESS.

- SOMEONE WE ALL KNOW? - THEN WHAT DO WE DO?

MAKE A LIST OF EVERYONE WE'VE EVER MET?

COMPARE NOTES? I MEAN, GOD,

YOU THINK I KNOW THE NAME OF EVERY PSYCHO FREAK

WHO'S EVER WRITTEN TO "EVELYN KNOWS BEST"?

WE'RE JUST WASTING TIME.

THESE ARE THE ELEVATOR CODES.

LET ME SEE THAT.

OKAY. I GOT IT.

HANG ON.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS SMILEY FACE MEANS?

IT MEANS "PROCEED WITH CAUTION."

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

YEAH, I'M FINE.

COME ON, LET'S MOVE ON.

THAT'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT COME ANY FASTER.

WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT COME ANY SLOWER, SO LEAVE ME ALONE.

- SHH!

- IT'S COMING.

SHIT.

I FORGOT ABOUT HER.

AHEM.

OKAY.

LOBBY.

- HUH.

WE'RE GOING DOWN.

HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.

NO. NO!

NO!

- NO NO! - Robert: HEY HEY HEY!

COME ON.

- AH! - IT'S ANOTHER TRAP!

THERE'S NO SMILING FACE HERE. WHERE'S THE SMILEY FACE?

YEAH, WHERE'S THE FUCKIN' SMILEY FACE?

- COME ON.

MOVE MOVE!

WAIT, I CAN'T KEEP UP.

THEY WON'T OPEN.

OH MY GOD, WADE.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME.

I NEED YOU TO TAKE THIS THING OUT OF MY LEG.

I CAN'T, NO NO. I CAN'T. NO.

YOU CAN.

COME ON, BABY. YOU CAN.

OKAY.

AH! FUCK!

AH!

GOD!

WE'RE LOST.

WE'RE LOST. WE'LL NEVER FIND THE OTHERS NOW.

ARE YOU AFRAID TO BE ALONE WITH ME?

NO.

I'M JUST AFRAID.

I'M SORRY FOR THE THINGS I SAID.

SAVE IT, NICOLE. WHATEVER YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY,

SAVE IT. WE'RE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW.

WERE YOU REALLY GOING TO PROPOSE TONIGHT?

YEAH.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

THERE. IS THAT BETTER?

A LITTLE.

THIS GUY REALLY LIKES TO DECORATE.

IT'S LIKE BEING INSIDE A VAGINA.

NOT MY VAGINA.

OF COURSE NOT. YOURS HAS TEETH.

WELL, IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT,

YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO SEE IT AGAIN.

ROBERT?

ROBERT, WAKE UP!

COME ON, WAKE UP.

DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

ROBERT, I WOULD HAVE SAID YES.

IT'S JUST A DREAM. IT'S JUST A DREAM.

IT'S JUST A DREAM, IT'S JUST A DREAM.

WHERE'S KATHY?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT ABOUT NICOLE?

GONE.

LOOK, IF SHE WERE DEAD, HER NAME WOULD BE CROSSED OUT.

IT'S NOT.

IT'S CIRCLED.

SHE'S AS GOOD AS DEAD.

THAT'S IT?

YOU'RE JUST GONNA SIT THERE?

YEP.

I'M GLAD TO SEE THAT CHIVALRY IS ALIVE AND WELL.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, HOTSHOT?

BREAK DOWN THESE WALLS WITH MY BARE HANDS?

Robert: I TRIED THAT ALREADY.

YEAH, GOOD LUCK PICKING THAT LOCK.

Kathy: WADE?

- WADE, I'M OVER HERE! - KATHY?

YOU OKAY?

I GUESS SO. HOW DID WE GET HERE?

WE WERE DRUGGED.

WHERE'S NICOLE?

HE'S GOT HER.

BUT WE THINK SHE'S STILL ALIVE.

- WE'VE GOT TO FIND HER. - HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND HER?

WE CAN'T GET OUT. WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE.

THERE MUST BE A WAY!

WHY? WHY MUST THERE BE A WAY?

THERE'S A TUNNEL! I THINK I CAN GET THROUGH.

- NO FUCKING WAY. - I THINK I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH.

I'M GONNA FIND A WAY TO GET YOU OUT OF THERE.

KATHY, NO.

IF YOU CAN GET OUT, JUST GET OUT. GO.

HEY, YOU KNOW, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

IF-- IF SHE WANTS TO GO AND TRY AND FIND HELP, THAT'S HER BUSINESS.

MAYBE THIS IS ANOTHER TRAP. MAYBE I SHOULD STAY HERE WITH YOU.

HE PUT YOU IN THAT ROOM SO HE COULD COME IN THERE

AND KILL YOU WHILE WE STAND HERE LIKE IDIOTS AND WATCH.

DON'T SAY THAT.

HE WANTS TO EMASCULATE US.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, YOU FUCKING EGOMANIAC.

TO HIM YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER PARTY-CRASHER.

YOU WEREN'T EVEN ON THE LIST.

WELL, I AM NOW, SISTER.

I'M IN THIS AS MUCH AS ANY OF YOU.

WADE? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

FIND SOME WAY TO GET US OUT OF HERE!

JUST GO. GET OUT.

WHAT ABOUT NICOLE? SHOULD I TRY TO FIND HER?

THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO FOR HER.

JUST GO.

ALL RIGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY FATE IS IN THE HANDS

OF SOME GODDAMN CELEBRITY CHEF.

SHE'S PRETTY GOOD WITH A KNIFE.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE A KNIFE.

SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND NICOLE BEEN TOGETHER?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE TWO YEARS.

TWO YEARS? WHOO. THAT'S IT?

NOW THIS MANIAC'S GOT HER AND YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE?

SHE'S NOT THE ONE THAT'S HEARTLESS, IT'S YOU.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I KNOW WHAT I SEE.

OH, YEAH? AND WHAT DO YOU SEE?

NOTHING. YOU DON'T SEE A FUCKING THING.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

WE ARE PUPPETS-- PUPPETS, MAN!

AND SOMEBODY ELSE IS PULLING THE STRINGS.

SO WHO IS IT?

EXCUSE ME?

WHO IS IT? YOU'RE IN ON THIS, AREN'T YOU?

- WHOA, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND-- - WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING GAME?

YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST; YOU'RE ON THE LIST.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S GONE-- TORN TO PIECES FOR ALL YOU KNOW--

- AND YOU SIT THERE? - WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

SHOULD I BASH MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL JUST SO YOU THINK I'M A NICE GUY?

JESUS!

WHAT ABOUT PAM?

- YOU WERE THE LAST ONE TO SEE HER. - ASSHOLE.

WHEN SOME PSYCHO HAS A KNIFE TO YOUR THROAT--

A KNIFE TO YOUR FUCKING THROAT, HE DECIDES TO WALK AWAY?

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

AND-- AND I SUPPOSE I DRUGGED MYSELF, RIGHT?

SURE, WHY NOT? THAT WAY I COULD BE DRAGGED DOWN HERE

TO ROT IN THIS FUCKING PIT WITH YOU.

ARE YOU MENTALLY DEFICIENT? I MEAN, ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?

WE BOTH WOKE UP HERE TOGETHER, REMEMBER?

I DIDN'T SEE YOU WAKE UP.

HE IS PLAYING US AGAINST EACH OTHER.

DON'T YOU GET IT? HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING STUPID?

THAT IS NOT MINE.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

WHERE ARE THEY?

WHERE ARE THEY?

I DON'T KNOW! AHH!

( song continues, distorted )

Kate: HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

- WADE! - YOU ALL RIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED?

I FOUND NICOLE. SHE WAS STILL ALIVE, BUT I COULDN'T HELP HER.

HE GRABBED ME AND HE'LL BE BACK FOR ME ANY MINUTE.

HOW'D YOU GET OUT?

- THERE WAS A KEY. - A KEY?

WHERE? WHERE'S ROBERT?

HE'S-- ROBERT'S DEAD.

COME ON, LET'S GET OUT.

HOW DID HE DIE?

- DID YOU SEE IT? - WHO?

- ROBERT. - YEAH, I SAW IT.

WAS THERE A TRAP? WHEN YOU OPENED THE DOOR, WAS THERE ANOTHER TRAP?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY? HE'S GONE, IT'S OVER.

NO. WAS IT AWFUL?

YEAH. IT WASN'T GREAT.

YOU POOR THING.

OH, IT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU. THEN WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE?

COME ON.

OH MY GOD.

OH!

THESE ARE ALL DISHES YOU'VE COOKED ON YOUR SHOW.

HEY, I SAID I WAS A FAN.

LOOK, I'M NEXT AND YOU'RE DESSERT.

DAMN IT, I AM NOT DESSERT.

I HAVE AN IDEA.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D END UP LIKE THIS--

A WORM DANGLING ON THE END OF A FISH HOOK.

DON'T WORRY, I WON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU.

DO YOU BELIEVE ME?

SO WHAT NOW?

WELL, SO FAR I'VE KEPT ALL MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.

VERY IMPRESSIVE. I DIDN'T MAKE ANY THIS YEAR.

OH, BUT YOU HAVE TO.

OKAY.

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION IS NOT TO DIE.

OH, FUCK!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? JUST TELL ME.

I'M GONNA DIE ANYWAY, RIGHT?

RIGHT?

I'M DYING RIGHT NOW.

HELPS IF YOU'VE GOT SOME KIND OF BEEF WITH ME.

YOU'RE NOT A MUSIC FAN?

I FUCKED YOUR SISTER?

COME ON, MAN. JUST TELL ME WHY.

YEAH, GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST.

YOU KNOW?

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

TELL ME!

TELL ME!

- JUST SAY SOMETHING!

KATHY?

OH MY GOD! IT'S MY NUMBER ONE FAN.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S WHAT HE ALWAYS SAYS.

EVERY TAPING, EVERY PERSONAL APPEARANCE, HE'S ALWAYS THERE.

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, DON'T SAY THAT. HE'S PSYCHOTIC.

HE'S BEEN STALKING ALL OF US FOR YEARS,

NOT JUST YOU.

YOU SAVED ME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE MADE IT.

HERE, LET ME--

ACTUALLY...

I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE KEEPING

THAT NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION OF YOURS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER TOLD ME?

SHE SAID THAT INNER BEAUTY IS WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT'S TRUE?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WELL, IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT INNER BEAUTY IS WHAT REALLY MATTERS?

YEAH. SURE.

MM, WRONG.

WRONG WRONG WRONG, IT'S A LIE.

IT'S THE BIGGEST LIE THERE IS.

THE KIND OF THING THEY TELL FAT GIRLS TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER.

WAIT, I KNOW YOU.

SURE YOU DO, I'M KATHY KING.

CAN'T WALK DOWN THE STREET WITHOUT SEEING MY FACE

ON A BILLBOARD OR THE SIDE OF A BUS.

NO.

YOU'RE THAT GIRL, FILLMORE HIGH.

YOUR NAME'S NOT KATHY.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THAT HURTS MY FEELINGS.

BUT THEN AGAIN, WHY WOULD YOU?

IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT ME.

IT WAS AS THOUGH I DIDN'T EXIST.

AND WHEN I FINALLY WORKED UP THE COURAGE TO TELL YOU

HOW MUCH I LOVED YOU,

YOU LAUGHED IN MY FACE.

OF COURSE YOU DON'T REMEMBER MY NAME.

YOU NEVER CALLED ME BY MY NAME.

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT.

LADY LARDASS.

LADY LARDASS.

SO EVOCATIVE, ISN'T IT?

"KAY KNIGHT."

THAT'S YOU?

200 LBS AND A LIFETIME AGO.

NOW I'M GETTING RID OF THE DEAD WEIGHT.

WE WERE JUST KIDS.

WHAT THE HELL DID I KNOW? I WAS JUST A STUPID KID.

YOU CAN'T HOLD THAT AGAINST ME.

YOU NEVER LEARNED THE GOLDEN RULE?

"DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU."

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SIX PEOPLE ARE DEAD

BECAUSE THEY NEVER LEARNED THE GOLDEN RULE?

LISTEN TO YOU, ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY.

DON'T FORGET YOU KILLED ONE OF THEM YOURSELF.

BY THE WAY, THANKS FOR THAT. IT WAS A BIG HELP.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR BIGGEST FAN?

SURELY FROM YOUR WARPED PERSPECTIVE, HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO DIE?

WELL, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO TAKE THE FALL,

AND IT AIN'T GONNA BE AMERICA'S COOKING-SHOW SWEETHEART.

THAT'S FOR SURE.

WHY? WHY NOW?

LOOK AT YOU, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU COULD HAVE EVER WANTED.

ISN'T LIVING WELL THE BEST REVENGE?

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY, RIGHT?

YEAH.

LIVING WELL IS PRETTY GOOD,

BUT I'D SAY KILLING PEOPLE IS THE BEST REVENGE REALLY.

YOU'RE INSANE.

NO KIDDING.

AND NOW, BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE,

HERE SHE IS, FOLKS--

YOU KNOW HER, YOU LOVE HER,

YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HER--

THAT VERY DIRTY GIRL--

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO "COOKING A LA KING."

I'M YOUR HOST, KATHY KING.

TODAY WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL SHOW FOR YOU.

IT'S A FULL MENU OF RECIPES FOR REVENGE.

WE BEGIN WITH A PIG APPETIZER.

TAKE ONE SCHOOLYARD BULLY--

YOU KNOW THE ONE. HE CHASED YOU INTO THE ALLEY BEHIND THE BUTCHER SHOP

AND PUSHED YOU INTO A DUMPSTER FULL OF ROTTING MEAT--

LET HIM RIPEN INTO A MISOGYNISTIC JERK,

STAB QUICKLY

AND HANG TO BLEED.

SERVE WITH A SIDE OF PARTY-CRASHER ENTRAILS.

NOW WE'RE ONTO THE FIRST COURSE--

A LITTLE SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL

THE TWO FACES OF BITCH.

YOU REMEMBER THAT GIRL YOU MET ON THE FIRST DAY OF WORK

AT YOUR EXCITING NEW JOB?

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW NICE YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS?

YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR FRIEND,

BUT THEN SHE STOLE YOUR IDEAS AND TOOK ALL THE CREDIT.

SHE GOT A PROMOTION AND THE FAT GIRL GOT FIRED.

TAKE THIS LYING MANIPULATIVE HAG,

BUTTERFLY NEATLY WITH AN AX,

WIPE YOUR HANDS AND YOU'RE DONE.

SECOND COURSE, THE HEART OF A WHORE.

THIS ONE'S A REAL RIB-STICKER

AND ALL YOU NEED IS THE SLUT THAT STOLE

YOUR FIRST REAL BOYFRIEND

JUST TO PROVE THAT SHE COULD.

SHE LURED HIM AWAY WITH HER SHAMELESS SEDUCTIONS,

THEN DUMPED HIM SIX WEEKS LATER WHEN SOMETHING BETTER CAME ALONG.

REMOVE HER STILL-BEATING HEART

AND STUFF IT INTO HER WIDE-OPEN MOUTH.

GARNISH WITH HER LATEST CONQUEST,

PLATE AND SERVE.

NOW WHERE WAS I?

OF COURSE, ON THIS SHOW

WE ALWAYS LEAVE ROOM FOR DESSERT,

BECAUSE REVENGE SHOULD BE SWEET.

TAKE ONE HIGH-SCHOOL CRUSH

WHO DESTROYED YOUR FEELINGS OF SELF-WORTH WITHOUT BATTING AN EYE,

- TURN THE TABLES...

...AND SERVE COLD.

MMM. DOESN'T THAT LOOK YUMMY?

JUST FOLLOW MY EASY STEPS

AND YOU'LL BE GREETING THE NEW YEAR

WITH THAT DEEP HUNGER INSIDE OF YOU

SATISFIED

LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

* SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT *

* AND NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND? *

* SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT *

* AND DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE? *

* AULD LANG SYNE, MY DEAR

* AULD LANG SYNE

* WE'LL TAKE A CUP OF KINDNESS NOW *

* FOR AULD LANG SYNE

* WE TWA HAE RUN ABOUT THE BRAES *

* AND PU'D THE GOWANS FINE *

* WE'VE WANDERED MANY A WEARY FOOT *

* SIN' AULD LANG SYNE

* SURELY YOU'LL BE YOUR PINT-STOWP *

* AND SURELY I'LL BE MINE *

* WE'LL TAKE A LITTLE CUP OF KINDNESS YET *

* FOR THE SAKE OF AULD LANG SYNE *

* FOR AULD LANG SYNE, MY DEAR *

* FOR AULD LANG SYNE

* WE'LL TAKE A LITTLE CUP OF KINDNESS YET *

* FOR THE DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE *

* FOR THE DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE. *