Original subtitles

Smashing time, smashing time

We're gonna have a smashing time Smashing time

We're gonna have a smashing time

Going down to London

Going down to London

We're going to have a smashing time

We're gonna find a flat, after that

We guarantee we'd get around

Going down to London Going down to London

We hope to make a splash in time

We're sure we know the score Furthermore

We'll get a break in London Town

We look cool although we're excited Like the in crowd do

Must look cool although we're delighted That we're really truly

Going down to London Going down to London

We know we'll have a smashing time

We know we're nothing yet but we bet

We're going to have a smashing time

Smashing time, smashing time

- Smashing time - Smashing time, smashing time

Smashing time

We're here! We're here! We're here!

Wake up, Brenda! We're here!

I wish we'd never come.

Come on. Come on, come on. Get your cases down. It's all happening.

Don't go talking to any fellas.

Remember that article I showed you in the Sunday papers.

The one about the man that wanted ladies to stand on his stomach?

No, the one about the perils that lurk at London railway stations

for young girls comin' down from the north with their heart full of dreams.

Like us, you mean? Or at least like you.

All I've got's a nasty taste in me mouth.

Oh, this blasted case!

And where are all these men we're not supposed to speak to?

It's you, Brenda. It's you, lookin' so hopelessly square and un-with-it and that.

I ask you. That coat, with the front all splashed with chip fat.

First she says don't speak to no one.

Then she's put out because I didn't bother.

Sometimes I don't know what to make of you, Yvonne.

I really don't.

Hey, where is everyone?

Oh, at this time of the morning,

all the "in set" are in their six-foot circular beds with the black sheets.

Now, then, it can't be far.

- What can't? - Carnaby Street, where it's all happening.

How do we find it?

Brenda, you ask somebody.

Hey, should we ask him, then?

Him? How would he know? He's only just arrived too.

- Well, he looks just the type, Yvonne. - Go on.

Uh, excuse me, sir. Do you know where Carnaby Street is, by any chance?

What was that you asked me, miss?

Carnaby Street.

Can-- Cananday Street?

Oh, that I do. Aren't I going that way meself now?

Follow me.

I'll come over and join you.

Hey, boy! It's me cousin from the old country!

Well, Pat, you're here!

I'll tell you what. I've had a word with the foreman.

- And youse can start to work straightaway. - Oh!

Come on. Easy does it. You can sleep it off all the way to Watford.

Help him up, lads.

Is this actually Carnaby Street itself, like, or is it adjacent?

Carnaby Street? This is Camden Street.

A sousin' Irishmen can walk from the station carryin' his suitcases.

Oh, so he was the type, was he? Miss Clever.

Oh.

Oh, I'm not going any further. I'm not moving another step.

Oh, don't be so silly, Yvonne.

Oh, come and take me away!

No, you don't. Not on my case. You'll ruin it.

If I'm going to be famous, I've got to have smart luggage.

You've only got to say. I'm soaking wet now, Yvonne. Soaking.

Oh, me knickers are all nasty and clammy.

Ooh, that will be me one day soon.

What will?

Up there on that poster with a smashing, mature man helping me into me stole.

What makes you think you...

What's up with you, Brenda?

I'm sitting in a puddle, Yvonne.

She didn't even know she did it. That's what makes me wild.

I do wish you'd stop falling over and talking to yourself, Brenda.

I'm trying to concentrate.

Right. Hold this.

Now, gimme ten bob.

I wish you'd look after your own money, Yvonne. It's a terrible responsibility.

You know I'd only spend it. Will you hold it still?

Now give me ten bob.

Right. Now, I'll go up to Carnaby Street by meself,

find a flat, get a modeling job, and I'll come back and get you.

Hold it still. How can I smudge me eye shadow proper if you keep moving it?

Oh, there. That'll have to do.

I'll just have to tell 'em "I hadn't the facilities available

to achieve the new switched-on casual look."

Shall we have a cup of tea before you go?

Well, just one cup then.

Oh.

It's not the sort of place I could afford to be seen in after I'm famous, Brenda.

Shouldn't think they've even heard of scampi.

- Cash. - Two teas, please.

And I'll have some bread and scrape.

Perhaps I'll change my mind. I'll have a fried egg.

Oh, if you're having an egg, I think I will.

With or without the bread and scrape?

Oh, I'll have that and all.

- Have you any sausages? - Oh, I think I'll have a sausage too.

Hey, and some baked beans. Do you fancy some baked beans, Brenda?

Oh, yeah. And some fried bread in that case.

There's something about the taste of baked beans.

It needs fried bread to bring it out.

What? No bacon?

Oh, you got bacon? Well, just one bit then.

Chief, bread and scrape, fried eggs, bacon, sausage,

baked beans and fried bread, twice.

Yvonne, we shouldn't order a meal like this.

Not until you've actually landed a job.

We've got to eat, Brenda. And we have got 23 pounds between us.

I'll be gettin' a job this morning. Then I can ask for something on account.

So I've come up without me checkbook.

You need a lining to your stomach to start the day right,

as me auntie in Bradford always says.

Yes, it was smashing.

- Hadn't you best be going now, Yvonne? - Oh, right.

That's funny.

Here?

- Yvonne, it's gone. - What has?

Our money, all of it.

Don't be daft. It can't have.

Six months, it took me to save that.

No ciggies, no cappuccinos at the El Toro,

other people's records on the juke, and you let it get...

Stolen. It has. It's been stolen.

Oh, heck.

We got that ten bob towards it, the one you took.

We're not usin' our last ten bob to pay for this.

Look, I'm going up to Carnaby Street.

I've got to. Otherwise, we've come all the way down to London

for the sort of meal you can get anytime

at that café at the back of the bars back home.

So you do understand. I'll be back as soon as I can.

Me friend's payin'.

Yeah.

Seventeen and eight.

Well, look. What happened was, me and my friend...

Carnaby Street, Carnaby Street

Carnaby, Carnaby, Carnaby Street

The street that is part of The beat of the heart of the scene

You know my Aunt Irene Would find it quite obscene

To me, it's just a teenager's heaven

Carnaby Street

Carnaby Street, Carnaby Street

Carnaby, Carnaby, Carnaby Street

You'll pay for the gear on display To appear on the scene

It's no good being mean

They'll have your every bean

That's how they like Their queen of the castle

Carnaby Street

I'm here!

This water's dead greasy. Crocks are murkier than they're goin' in.

Well, change it, then. There's plenty in the tap.

There's the Foamo.

Well, here I am again

It's useless to complain

And it's always exactly the same

Waiting for my friend

Waiting for my friend

It's always me who's waiting

She knows all the ploys

How to get the boys

And I'm not even dating

I've sworn a thousand times

I'd just leave her flat

She knows I haven't got the heart To do that

Waiting for my friend

Waiting for my friend

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting

Brenda! I'm back,

-and I've got so much to tell you! - I've got so much to tell you!

I gone down to Carnaby Street. This photographer come up...

I thought he was trying to be fresh, but he weren't.

He took ever so many snaps. One of them going to be in paper!

- I... - I had to sign to say I didn't mind.

Imagine, he gave me five pounds towards expenses.

So I got back as soon as I could.

Oh, uh...

Hey, hey, how'd you get on with that cafe man?

I worked it off, washing up-like.

Washing up? How'd you get in such a mess then?

Well, it was this sauce I thought was soap.

And this fella thought soap was sauce and spread it all over his dinner.

You can't go around like that.

Hey, look! Here's a secondhand clothes shop.

Tell you what. See what you can fix yourself up with just for a pound.

But, Yvonne, them clothes. They look dreadfully old-fashioned.

Oh, Brenda. You don't know anything, do you?

It's dead pacey to wear secondhand clothes. Feather boas and all that.

Besides, we can only spare a pound 'cause we gotta find somewhere to live.

There might be something on this.

Well, I thought we were gonna live in Carnaby Street.

Well, we're not.

Hey, listen.

"Young lady in show biz requires two others in same to share a flat."

- That's us! - Is it?

Yeah, well, it might be. If I'm not back by the time you've got your gear,

come and find me at "flat 4, 16 Grudge Street."

Do you think you can find that okay?

This is Grudge Street, Yvonne.

"This is Grudge Street, Yvonne."

Well, you've just got to count to 16 then, haven't you? Tara.

Tara.

No, dear, it's not your color.

- Ah. - Yes?

If it's animal paws to hang about you on your scooter, the answer is definitely no.

Come in here, them little mods, asking for animal paws.

While your back's turned a nice bit of skunk vanishes up their knickers.

I don't want animal paws.

It's me clothes.

I need some others now that me friend's famous.

I've got a pound.

A pound? That isn't much.

I could do something for you if you'd like to throw in what you've got on.

There's this.

You can have this for ten shillings.

It's fabulous. You try it on, dear.

Come on, Arlene.

So when the requisition my...

and put me in their building, I came to a decision.

Well, then, Toni, I think we'll take it.

Don't tell me, darling. It's a dump.

When I think what Mummy and Daddy sacrificed to give me a proper education,

I could die of shame, just die.

I'm just the same. Me mum... Mummy, she's always saying to me,

"Just look at your room, Yvonne. Just look at it.

You don't deserve to have such lovely things."

Ooh! The bathroom!

Oh, no. It's the kitchen.

Oh, well. Quite convenient.

Yes, it is quite handy.

You can soak away in the bath and get your boyfriend to make you a cup of tea.

Oh, well, what sort of show biz are you in then?

Show biz? Oh, you mean the advert.

Oh, well, I do anything really.

Legit, modern ballet, cabaret.

I'm restin' at the moment.

My agent goes mad, ravin' mad 'cause I won't take anything that comes along.

But I tell her, "You've only got your ten percent to think about.

I've got my career."

Still, a girl's gotta eat. So only temporary, I'm a nightclub hostess.

Ooh. That sounds really switched-on.

Money's not bad, I suppose.

Must be fabulous.

Look, you better have your name on the rent book.

Then if I decide to leave, the landlord can't boot you out.

What sort of job are you after anyway? Or did I ask you that before?

Well, I might have to take something temporary until I get something dreamy,

you know, and make it.

You're jokin', of course.

Uh, about this nightclub you work in...

Oh, yeah. I can fix you up there. And your friend.

Why don't you come along tonight?

Oh, yes, I will. But I'm not sure about our Brenda.

Gawd.

I need a dress.

There's this nightie.

I could let you have that.

Hold Gaylord a moment for me, will you, love?

Oh, Gordon Bennett!. It's nothing but nicks.

Look. I can throw this in.

I can't wear a nightdress in the street.

Under the cape, dear, who's to notice?

Look at the work on it. Blinded their selves.

You won't get work like that these days.

Besides, you ask me where that nightdress come from.

Where did that nightie come from?

Titled, yes. But better than titled.

Yes.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll have it.

I'm feeling great in my new clothes

You must admit they're grand Though they're secondhand

I'm up-to-date in my new clothes

It's wonderful to have new clothes

It's nice to know you're really trendy

Make and

Mendy

And today you'll never make the in set

In a

Twinset

I'm feeling grand in my new clothes

As everyone can see They're the style for me

I'll beat the band For heaven knows

It's wonderful to have new clothes

If you're bold You spend your gold as I do

On new

Clothes

It's our Yvonne!

"Tom Wabe, the pacesetting photographer, who practically invented the dolly

tracks down the out girl on the in street.

Points to notice: Ears too high. Hair.

Will this style ever come back?"

Hey, Toni, where's the toilet?

Oh, she'll die if she sees this.

Tom Wabe. I'd like to tell him a thing or two.

"Skirt, the right length. But are they the right legs?"

"Where is he today?

Tom Wabe will be going to Bond Street's switched-on Jabberwock Gallery.

See tomorrow's Evening Standard for the girl who got it wrong

at the Pacey Private View."

Look at that.

Are you Tom Wabe?

Yeah. I'm mad about your boat.

Me boat? What boat?

Your boat race. Your face.

You look a right knockout.

Let's have your name and address.

Never mind about that. Did you take this picture of my friend Yvonne?

Yeah. It's smashing, isn't it?

It's a mean and nasty thing to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, about you on every side are my latest works.

Pretty ramshackle, you're thinking to yourselves, no doubt.

But what you don't realize is that they represent the final status symbol.

And what might that be, you are thinking,

as you sip your free but inferior champagne.

Well, I shall tell you.

Buy one of my statues,

and you'll be installing the ultimate deterrent in your own lovely home.

The threat of escalation in your tired patio,

and the end of civilization as we know it in your 60-foot I-shaped drawing room.

You will experience the satisfaction

of knowing that the finger on the button belongs, not to some distant general

whose reason has snapped beneath his responsibilities,

but to me, an artist with no responsibilities whatsoever.

At any moment, my machines may come alive,

rip up your valuable collection of paintings of early Victorian gasworks

eat your Casa Pupo rugs, corner the au pair girl,

turn your dream kitchen into a nightmare, and hammer you into the parquet flooring.

Now, this box I hold in my hand

contains the entrails of old-type wireless sets

tuned to the brains of my statues.

If I turn it on, they come alive.

Think of the excitement of living with that hanging over your heads.

Tom Wabe, if you don't st-- stop taking photos...

I'll thump you!

Here, your friend's a bit late. We're supposed to be going.

I can't imagine what's happened to her.

She's very gormless sometimes, our Brenda.

If it were anyone else, I'd worry she'd been picked up.

Ooh! Happen it's her.

Hello, Brenda. What you doing? We've landed a smashing job in a nightclub.

- A nightclub? - Yeah, we're hostesses.

- Hostesses? - Yeah, hang on there.

- We got to leave in a minute any road. - But what about me clothes?

I can't see meself as a nightclub hostess dressed like this.

Don't worry, love. The boss will fix you up.

- There's not many in. - There never is this early.

They're all with their girlfriends, ones they're gonna marry.

Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.

Darling.

Show Mr. Mome-Rath to the reserve table by the dance floor.

This way, sir.

Hey, who's that fella Brenda's showing to a table?

I rather go for them sort of "dangerously mature" looks.

Bobby Momerath, darling.

- He's the bottom. - How come? He looks smashing.

You wait till he gets you back to his place.

- I was off work for a week. - You were lucky.

Hey, do you think he'll ask me?

Well, I don't see why you should be the exception.

Oh, here we go.

Yvonne, that man over there wants you to go and sit with him.

I shouldn't if I were you. He's ever so rude and nasty.

Hey, you. Remember what I told you.

I can look after meself, you know. I've been around.

I don't like that fella. He makes me quite glad I'm just a pussy.

We'll have some champagne.

I'd rather have fruit cup, if you don't mind.

- It's more refreshing, don't you think? - Sweetheart.

We are going to have champagne.

Well, if you say so.

I could fancy something to eat if it's all right with you.

Where the hell have you been?

Champagne. And make sure that they know it's for me.

Oh. And... steak... for-- What's your name?

Yvonne. And, Brenda, I want it really well done.

And while we're on the subject, no.

I will not buy you one of those adorable, cuddly teddy bears.

And no, I do not think the orchids are lovely.

Oh, nor do I. Think they're nasty.

A magazine I read, it's called Mini Trends, actually. Have you seen it?

Actually, no.

Only last week, it said orchids are all right for the older woman,

but they look silly on the young girl.

And they said your escort will respect you more if you're natural.

Do you think that's true?

No.

They're finishing another bottle. Yvonne's not used to drinking.

Do you think I ought to tell him?

Are you a nutcase or something? He'll see she doesn't pass out, dear.

He won't want to carry her over his shoulder to the taxi.

Taxi? What taxi?

The taxi the doorman will get him in about...

You're absolutely awful!

You shouldn't say things like that.

Five minutes.

You mean he'll take her home and try to seduce her

while she's under the influence of drinking unaccustomed quantities?

How did you guess?

Pussy! Pussy!

Pussy!

I'm still waiting for my...

Oh.

Don't go with him. He's only after one thing.

Is that true, Bobby? She says you're only after one thing.

The bill. That is all I ask for.

And I warn you, pussycat, attempt to interfere with my private affairs,

and I shall have you thrown out of that door before you can say meow.

He's ever so funny. "Thrown out before you can say meow."

Because she's dressed as a pussy.

Justin Court, Park Road.

Night.

Oh, oh, oh Got to get her out of trouble

Oh, oh, oh Now she's nearly seeing double

She doesn't know how far to go though

She's headed for trouble

Oh, oh, oh Once again, it's up to Brenda

Oh, oh, oh He's determined to up-end her

But I'll be there Never you fear, dear

I'll find a way to save the day

And get you out of this trouble

- Bobby. Ooh, darling. - Yes.

Oh. Take sixpence over the odds, cabbie.

Come on.

What a fabulous knockout scene.

Is this where you live?

I live in Gloucestershire.

This is just a...

-pad. - A pad.

Bloody lift's stuck.

Thirteen guineas a week, and they can't make sure that the...

lift's working.

We'll have to walk then.

No, you will.

Number 50, fifth floor. I'm gonna see the caretaker.

- Won't he be asleep? - I daresay.

That is not my problem.

How's it so far? Can't you wait to see if he can mend it, Bobby?

No, you can't.

He used to be a sergeant in my old regiment.

Can't have him see me sneaking girls back here at 3:00 in the morning.

Tee-hee.

Come on!

Bloody girl's got it going.

Tee-hee.

All right, all right. What's all the noise about then?

- Oh, morning, sir. - Hello, Sergeant.

Bloody lift wouldn't budge when I tried it a moment ago. Seems to be all right now.

- Sorry to have got you out your quarters. - Quite all right, sir.

Why don't I come up with you, sir, in case she turns bolshie again.

Oh. Might as well, I suppose.

If you have to climb out through the roof to get help, I can give you a leg up.

Very decent of you, sir. Very decent indeed.

Here we are, sir.

What the hell is going on?

Well, I heard the bell ring, Bobby, and I thought it were you.

So I come out, and it weren't.

And the door shut behind me.

Oh, I'm ever so sorry to show you up in front of your sergeant.

Just shut up and give me the keys.

I can't. They're inside on that table with the goat's legs and all the invites on it.

Tell your sister not to get upset, sir.

I'll just slip down to me quarters and bring up the passkey.

No trouble, sir.

That's all right, then. He thinks I'm your sister.

Squat down on the sofa, sweetie.

Two nice little drinkies.

What a fab color.

Parfait amour.

Ooh, parfait amour.

Bottoms up.

What the hell's wrong with this brandy?

Must be that bloody nightclub champagne.

Let's have a little music, shall we?

Something smoochy.

Now we can get to know one another.

You really are remarkably pretty, you know.

Oh, Bobby.

What the hell!

That bloody cleaning woman must have put them back in the wrong sleeves.

Darling... sha-all we make love?

What are we doing now? Playing dominoes?

I mean, shall we go to bed?

What, go the whole way, do you mean?

Oh, Mini Trends says it's really square now to touch.

Besides, I never have.

I'll be very gentle with you, darling.

Very gentle.

I'll... go and run a bath.

But I'm not dirty.

But, darling, it's so much dreamier after a lovely hot bath full of expensive pong.

Makes it all so much more innocent somehow.

Like playing games with Nanny...

when one was a little boy.

You do make it sound rather lovely.

Well, leave it running, then. I'll pop in after you.

There's plenty of hot water.

You can run one all to yourself.

Eh, what's up?

Bloody bath essence gone stark, raving mad.

Bobby, your bikini's melting.

Oh!

I'll wake up that... blasted caretaker.

It's his responsibility.

Ow!

Damn drawing pins all over the bloody floor.

Hello!

Hello!

Come on, come on, come on.

I'll get that damn cretin the sack in the morning.

You have your fun, sir, and I'll have mine.

Darling.

Get on with it, then.

Flaming cold up here.

'Scuse me a moment, would you?

Oh, God!

Oh, damn.

How dare you laugh at me, you common little tart.

Get out of my flat!

Ow!

Don't do that!

Come here, you blasted...

Brenda!

It's Brenda.

Hey, look.

Listen to this.

"6:30 a.m.! Here are Brenda's clothes.

You are both sacked.

Boss wants pussy back.

Don't disturb. Love Toni.

P.S. Not alone."

Hey, Yvonne. Wake up. We got the sack.

Uh-huh.

We can't live on air, you know.

You might as well talk to yourself.

I waited and waited for you to come.

I think it's all very boring, Mrs. Gimble. You promised me those bead bags,

not to mention the ostrich-feathered bed jacket.

Well, she got better, my lady.

That's the trouble. She made a miraculous recovery.

Still, listen...

I am waiting for a phone call now.

I don't know when it'll come, but I'm waiting, Your Ladyship.

Don't be such a snob.

- Do you mind? - What a super cape.

You got it here, I suppose.

Everyone gets things here, except me.

My shop's absolutely empty.

- Shop? You mean boutique? - Yes.

We've got one back home in Sandy. It's called Bits 'N' Pieces.

My friend Yvonne buys her things there.

Oh, God. How draggy.

Look, you seem rather sort of sensible.

One's absolutely sick of one's friends. You don't want a job, do you?

A job? In your boutique?

Well, how much in the wages?

Well, minute, I'm afraid, but we could stretch to 12 pounds a week.

My accountant would be madly beady.

Oh, that'll be smashing. Well, to start, like.

Super.

Climb in.

But that's a hearse.

Yes. Smashing, isn't it?

I put all the dresses and tat I buy in the back.

When I can get it.

That bloody Mrs. Gimble.

Why did Mrs. Gimble curtsy?

Some fool told her who Daddy was.

Not that it means she keeps anything back for me.

No good looking in the papers for a job, love.

They all want shorthand.

Brenda will be all right then.

She's got shorthand, but she hasn't got an image, you know.

Hey!

"Staff trouble.

Even the Sweeney Todd, London's most trendy eating house, has its problems.

The switched-on sweet trolley girls keep switching off.

They keep dating our in customers,

and a week later, they're all over the billboards or introducing TV shows."

- Hey! - Well, they can only say no.

Go on. Give 'em a ring.

Naturally, it would mean altering my personal arrangements.

Oh, well, if it's like that, I could come along at once.

Yes, I know the address, Mr. Maxim.

I'll be right along.

Ciao.

I made it! I made it!

They want me at once!

I'm the girl who phoned. Are you Mr. Sweeney Todd?

No, dear. Mr. Todd was the demon barber of Fleet Street

who turned everyone into meat pies.

That's why we only serve pies.

Oh, I see. It's sort of a gimmick.

Yes. Well, I suppose you could say that.

- It's a very successful gimmick, at least. - I can imagine.

Ooh, certainly is pacesetting.

I'm surprised you haven't been featured in Mini Trend really.

Well, we'll wait until the business starts to go down before that, won't we, dear?

Come over here.

Now, this is your trolley.

Pies again, I'm afraid.

Custard, syllabub, gooseberry, and pumpkin.

A large slice, but nothing ridiculous.

About... so.

Now, you've got your cream in your pestle.

One and a half ladles unless asked for more.

Oh, dear. You've only got 15 minutes.

Look, you must get into your street board outfit.

In the ladies', I'm afraid, and very fast too.

Street board? What's a street board?

An 18th century lady of the town, dear.

A trollop. A tart.

I say, I do love your accent. It's so tuned in.

Do I call you "her ladyship" too?

Of course not. I'm only an "honorable" anyway.

I'm called Charlotte Brillig.

Call me Charlotte.

My name's Brenda.

How super.

I don't think I've ever met anyone called Brenda before.

Is this your boutique, Charlotte?

Yes. Isn't it heaven?

And, of course, that blasted girl hasn't arrived yet.

Why is it called Too Much?

Won't that put folk off if they think everything's so pricey?

Not if they're thinking rich enough.

And it was meant to be a pun too.

You know. "Too much."

Too much?

It's an expression.

Yes, you're quite right, of course. Hopelessly twee. Another grave mistake.

- Hello? - Hello.

- Can I speak to Catherine, please? - Oh, she's still asleep.

Still asleep?

Well, wake her up then.

These bloody Spanish butlers. So dim.

- Hello. - Catherine. Look, it's Too Much.

It's 10:00, and the shop's still locked.

- I know. I was there. - Was it a bore?

Yes, it was a bore, but that's not the point.

Well, I think that might be a good idea too.

Yes, I suppose I'll be there. See you.

- Ciao. - Ciao.

Look, do you think you could manage all by yourself?

Catherine's given herself the sack. I've got to rush.

I'll be back at lunchtime.

Will it be all right?

I mean, you don't even know me.

That's what's so lovely. See you.

Charlotte!

We're here!

Hello, new pussycat.

- Where's Charlotte? - She's out.

Can I interest you in anything, sir?

What about coffee?

Operator, give me a call to Rome.

Look, I don't know whether this is what usually goes on here,

but Miss Brillig put me charge as a shop assistant.

And that's what I'm going to be.

You can have a cup of coffee if you buy something, but that's all.

Oh, all right.

Oh, well, I'll have the tram driver's cap.

Oh, well, I'll have the correspondent's shoes.

Six guineas.

Each.

Anything I can do?

Scrumple these into balls, dear.

We use 'em as napkins.

Yes. Balls, dear.

You know, you really ought to try shaving before you put on all that slap.

Is it the change of life, dear?

Most people think you're a wicked, old queen.

But I say no. There must be some kind of explanation.

Look, you just watch it.

You just watch it or I'll tear your blonde hair out by its black roots.

"Photo by Tom Wabe."

Tom bloody Wabe? That raving, trendy swine.

Tom Wabe?

Oh, that reminds me, thank God.

Clara, where's Mr. Wabe's table?

Heard he had a punch-out with one of the snarks,

so I better not sit him too close.

- Oh, put him by the hair restore advert. - Right.

And don't call me Clara.

Oh, sorry, Phyllis.

Coming here. Tom Wabe's coming here.

No, I must keep me temper. Whatever happens, I must keep me temper.

I'll just give him a look.

I see.

Darling ol' Charlotte.

Lovely, cozy club for every layabout in Chelsea.

Brenda.

Brenda.

I should have warned you.

But you've got it all wrong, sweetie.

She made us all buy something before we were allowed to park our botties.

But then there'll be nothing to sell now.

We'll just have to buy most of it back again.

Well, I thought you'd be pleased.

Full marks for trying, Brenda,

but if one's chums feel they have to buy something every time they come,

one's chums won't come at all.

By the way, this is Brenda.

Yeah. We've met.

She's the dolly I told you about what clobbered me at that art exhibition.

Yes. Well, you shouldn't have...

How about a nosh up, so there's no hard feelings?

I'll take you to that posh pie shop.

Okay, by you, Char?

I suppose so.

I'll take over.

At least it means nothing more gets sold.

I haven't said if I wanted to go yet.

You people take it for granted that folk will do just what you say.

Yeah, isn't she smashing when she gets a needle?

All right, darling.

Will ya?

That's better.

Good morning, Mr. Wabe.

Her.

With him.

Right.

Here's your menu.

Isn't it lovely?

Off you go, dear.

Sweetie, my girlfriend loves cream, but limits. Limits.

I bet she's been having a good laugh about it.

Sly little madam.

Terribly amusing, yes?

Terribly amusing.

Yvonne.

It's Yvonne.

Her?

It was her that threw the first pie.

Yeah, that start the whole rumble.

So it was you, was it?

Well, I'm very sorry, dear, but you'll have to go.

You're fired. Sacked. Out.

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Oh, isn't that typical?

You silly cow.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, the whole cause of this, well, cabaret...

is that wicked girl over there.

Please. Please.

Mr. Wabe saw her throw the very first pie.

Now, I have dismissed her, of course,

and now I do hope-- I do hope you won't blame the establishment...

and that you will personally send all your cleaning bills to me.

One thing I think I can promise you,

this will never, ever happen again.

Come on, love.

Another job you mucked up for me, Brenda. You always do it.

Well, I have got this smashing job in this boutique,

and as I said, I'll ask Charlotte if you can have a job too.

I'm sure it'll be all right.

It's locked.

I wonder where she's gone.

When I left, she said that she was...

If you're looking for Charlotte, you'll just catch her at London Airport.

London Airport?

But who's looking after the shop?

Oh, well, you know Charlotte, dear.

Impulsive to a fault.

She suddenly decided the shop wasn't for her

and nipped off with her friends to Greece.

Oh, she said you're perfectly welcome to come and visit her.

Thanks very much.

"I'll ask Charlotte if she can give you a job. It'll be all right."

Like bloody heck it will.

Oh, don't have a go at me, Yvonne. Something...

It's always your fault

It's always you who mucks it up

Every time I'm getting there

It's you who has to interfere And break it up

It's always your fault

I might have been discovered But for you

Big deal

I might have been discovered But for you

Like heck

For I've the style, the pace, the knack But you keep getting me the sack

It's your fault

No, it's not

It's always your fault

Not, it's not

- It is - It isn't

- It is - It isn't

- It is - It isn't

It ruddy well is.

Hey, look, Bren.

There's that program we like watching on telly.

You Can't Help Laughing. Let's have a look.

Do we have to? I'd rather go home and have a cup of tea.

And the next gag in this edition of You Can't Help Laughing

is a real beaut.

You see, we've concealed our cameras in this hut,

and I'm going to pretend to be the foreman in charge of knocking down his house.

Nothing very odd in that.

I mean, you must admit it happens every day.

But the point is that this house, which is full of rooms and flats,

wasn't even scheduled for demolition.

Pretty soon, the people will be coming home from their shops, offices...

Oh, come on, Yvonne. Let's go home.

Oh, shut up.

And...

here's one of them now.

Look.

Over to your left, Fred. Further over there.

Take it easy now.

- Here. - That's it.

Here.

That was my house, that was. I live there.

Not anymore you don't. We're knocking it down.

Well, what about me things?

All me things was in there.

You mean they never told you?

Oh, they should have done.

I've lived there ever since I was married, nearly 40 years ago.

And now you've knocked it down, you nasty brute.

You mind moving, madam? I got my job to do.

Madam.

Madam.

You Can't Help Laughing.

What do you mean, you can't help laughing?

You can't help laughing? You can't...

Are you the fella on the telly?

- Go on. You're not. - I am.

Well, I don't know.

No, what you don't know, Mrs...

Bulgem.

But you can call me Alice.

Well, Alice, what you don't know

is we've got a lovely little house waiting for you on the Watford Bypass.

Here it is, folks.

Deep-freeze, with a year's supply of groceries,

18-inch color telly, powered-motor mower, home movies,

cocktail cabinet, with every known liquor,

and a dream kitchen, with a washing-up machine

which will take care of a dinner party for 14 people at once.

Oh, it's a dead funny program. You've got to admit it, it's dead funny.

I just don't think it's funny to make people look silly.

Well, she's better off now than ever she was.

She'd never have had an house like that if it hadn't been for the...

Here, here.

Get out of it then.

How can I get on with my demolition with a load of birds all over the place?

- Look here, mister, we are... - Shut up, Brenda.

It's the television fella. Don't you recognize him?

You heard me. Beat it, or else I'll have the law on you.

I've got my job to do, you know.

And a proper daft job it is and all, making folks look stupid.

Now, be reasonable.

That wasn't very nice of you, Brenda. He's ever so famous, you know.

And he's got a lovely speaking voice when he isn't pretending to be common.

Well, that just goes to show you can't fool 'em all.

No hard feelings, girls,

and, of course, you're entitled to your prize.

You can stuff your rotten prize.

Now, you two little ladies must be...

That's funny. There's only one name down here.

Which is Yvonne?

That's me. That's right.

I were down in the rent book and Brenda weren't.

Well, hard luck, Brenda. But that's life, eh?

Guess what we've got for you, Yvonne.

A check for 10,000 pounds.

10,000? That's smashing.

Yes, folks. 10,000 pounds for this little lady here.

This week's special jackpot prize.

The biggest prize You Can't Help Laughing has given since starting three years ago.

Well.

Let's hope the wife isn't watching.

No, no. It's all good fun.

Honestly, I wouldn't change my job for the world,

bringing happiness and glamour

into simple, ordinary people's drab little lives.

Well, here you are, Yvonne. Your check.

And see you all next week for another great hurrah

to prove that you can't help laughing.

Brenda! Brenda!

I don't understand you, girl, really.

Where do you think you're going? It's 10,000 pounds.

I'd do anything with 10,000 pounds.

Well, I wouldn't.

What you going to do with it?

First I've got to go to Carnaby Street 'cause I've got to be dressed right, see.

And then I'll get a pad, and I'll find an agent,

and then I'll become famous, of course.

And if I can't become famous on 10,000 pounds, I give up.

Taxi!

Ten grand?

Well, I'm telling you, ma'am, we're gonna need all of that for a start.

What you need all of the 10,000 for anyway?

Don't stick your nose in, Brenda.

It's my money, and Mr. Tove knows what he's doing.

No, Yvonne, she's right to ask.

I mean, anybody who doesn't know this rat race would ask.

So I'll tell you.

First of all, we've got to buy her into the charts. Right?

Then we've got to sweeten the disc jocks and manufacture the image. Right?

Then we've got to sell that image. Right?

Now, for all that, ten grand's not really enough bread,

but given a bit of luck and know-how, it could happen.

Can you sing?

- Yep? - Your call to Tokyo, Mr. Tove.

Cancel it.

Can you sing?

She's tone deaf actually.

Great. So we'll make a record.

Psychedelic, but not turned-on.

Cellos, definitely.

And let me see.

Got it. Tuba and washboard.

And broaden up your Northern accent a bit. Remember, you worked in a mill.

I didn't. I worked in a record shop.

You worked in a mill, baby.

Hello.

Hello, baby. Hey, listen, I was just gonna call you.

I have got a great new property to sell you.

A dolly.

She is fantastic fantastic.

"Fantastic."

Listen, she has a whole lot of people.

This girl has got, believe me, a great thing going for her.

Really great. Yeah.

Okay, we'll do.

Ciao, baby.

Drop dead.

Now, listen, baby. We have got to make a record.

Yes, definitely. Something smashing.

Sure, sure, sure. Well, I have got just the thing.

It is fantastic, man. Really fantastic.

Yeah, baby

I'm still so young

I can't sing, but I'm young

Can't do a thing, but I'm young

Don't bring me down

I never talk 'cause I'm young

I will cry

If I die

I am so young

Yeah, baby

I'm so young

Yeah, baby

I'm so young

Yeah, baby

We're just gonna play that back, sweetie. It was really great. Fantastic.

Okay?

I can't sing, but I'm young

I can't do a thing, but I'm young

I'm a fool

But I'm cool

Don't hold me down

I don't read, but I'm young

I'm built for speed 'cause I'm young

I'm a fool

But I'm cool

I'm not a clown

Don't give a fig

If you don't think

That I'm around

I don't walk, but I'm young

I never talk 'cause I'm young

I will cry

If I die

While I'm still young

Yeah, baby

I'm so young

Yeah, baby

I'm so young

Yeah, baby

I'm still so young

I can't sing, but I'm young

I can't do a thing, but I'm young

I'm a fool

But I'm cool

Don't put me down

Don't give a thing

If you don't dig

That I'm around

I don't walk, but I'm young

I never talk 'cause I'm young

I will cry

If I die

While I'm still young

Yeah, baby

I'm so young

Yeah, baby

I'm so young

Yeah, baby

I'm so young

Underfloor heating, double glazing, air conditioner, and soundproof.

Roof garden, gallery, TV, and Muzak. It's very pacey.

You've got to own up, baby. It's very pacey.

Well, who does it belong to?

Belong to? Well, my company actually.

But we can rent it to you for 3-- No, say 200 a week.

And believe me, at that figure, I am conning myself.

It's a con, all right. You said it there.

A turned-on studio in Chelsea.

Me own bathroom and hi-fi. What more could you want, Brenda?

Jimmy James and the Surfriders.

That's one I think is absolutely knockout.

I hope that you agree. Our studio audience certainly liked it very much.

Now, let's go over to our very distinguished lineup of guests tonight.

A gal who's got a record riding very high in the charts at the moment.

Let's see what Yvonne thinks.

Well, no, I don't think it'll be a hit because it's too samey.

And I like the bit where it went...

At the beginning. But then I thought it's going to be great.

But then after that, well...

No, I don't think... It's too samey.

"It's too samey.

I don't think it'll be a hit. No, definitely."

Another Campari, darling.

Now, look, Yvonne, you've got to trust me, right?

I don't know what's the matter with you, Jeremy.

"I Can't Sing" is number 15 in the charts.

Mini Rave's doing a profile on me.

And I've been on telly three times this week.

And tomorrow, I am opening a supermarket.

Yeah, yeah. I know.

More ice, love. Try and get it right.

"Get this, Bren. Get that, Bren."

I'll smash her face if she's not careful.

Sittin' there like Lady Muck...

I tell you. We've got to up your image.

And what's wrong with my image?

What's wrong with your image?

When were you in the color supplements?

When were you in the glossies? Now, that's what we need, baby.

And for that, we need new photographs, all blurred and grainy.

Now, for that, we need Tom Wabe.

Tom Wabe? I'm not going to be photographed by Tom bloody Wabe.

He made me look a right nit, didn't he, Brenda?

Yes, he did. He got you the sack and all.

That's right. He got me sacked from Sweeney Todd and all.

The Sweeney Todd? Oh, yeah. That restaurant we all used to go to.

Anyway, good news. He's coming here this evening.

He's coming round?

Sometimes I don't think you take my feelings into account at all.

He's coming here?

But, Tom, you've got to.

Look, I don't have to do nothing I don't want.

And I don't wanna take her snaps.

You're back early, Brenda.

Hello, Tom.

Hello, Bren.

She's come back on purpose.

I told her to stay until they played the queen.

Seen the picture before. It rotten the first time.

Yeah, well-- well, I'm off.

Here, Bren. Fancy a bit of nosh?

No. She is going to bed.

Yes, Tom. I'd like that very much.

Right, that does it, Brenda.

If you go out tonight, you needn't come back. Have you got that straight?

There's something very different about you, Yvonne.

Well, thanks for the drink.

Night-night and that.

- Is this your boat, Tom? - Yeah. All right, innit?

Yes. It's lovely.

But I thought you were taking me out for somewhat to eat.

Well, it's all here.

Nice steak. Bottle of plonk.

Got a melon in the fridge.

And-- And I start taking your snaps nice and early in the morning.

When we get up, like.

Look, I may be green, but I'm not cabbage-colored.

Oh, I don't pretend I don't fancy you, but I'm not that easy.

I'm not staying.

It's smashing here.

- Am I staying? - Yeah.

Hurry up and finish your breakfast.

Got to take a lot of snaps of you before it starts raining.

Rain?

It couldn't rain today, not even if it tried.

What a lovely Sunday

My life has just begun day

Day out, way out Day out, sunshine day

I want to never end it

A lovely way to spend it

Day out, way out Day out, sunshine day

Oh, what a hand in glove day

Oh, what an "I'm in love" day

Day out, way out Day out, sunshine day

Way out

Sunshine day

"Is This the Face of the '60s?

Tom Wabe,

our leading fashion photographer, says it is, and he should know.

'Dollies are out,"' says Tom.

He must be mad. Brenda, of all people.

So the papers are running out of stories.

Sign this contract, baby. You'll feel better.

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Brenda, Brenda! Everywhere I turn!

I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown! I can't stand it anymore!

Relax, sweetie.

You've just been voted the pop personality of the week

by the paper of the year.

I've even had tea with the prime minister.

Still, nobody takes me seriously.

Nobody asks me for country weekends and fashionable weddings.

Oh, how to do it?

We'll have a party.

Oh, surprise, surprise.

A bloody party every night. Me Coke bill alone's phenomenal.

This won't be just a party.

This will be the greatest trip since Noah's ark.

Listen, we'll ask the whole of turned-on London.

PRO's. Telly producers.

Gangsters. Pop stars.

Paperback writers. NBE's.

It'll be the spadiest freak-out of all time.

It'll cost every penny we've got left.

Every penny I've got left, you mean.

Speculate, man. Speculate.

You've got to spend conspicuously or you don't score.

Right, you sold it. Where do we hold it? Albert Hall?

No. That is too draggy.

Buckingham Palace?

Well, good for publicity, but they wouldn't wear it.

Brilliant. I've got it.

The revolving restaurant.

London's heaven's threatener.

The scene with the built-in trip. The Tower.

- But it's Yvonne's party. - So?

Hey, look, it's a very big deal.

Well, if I don't go, people will think I ain't been asked.

And I can't afford that, see.

What's happened to "Mr. I don't do nothing I don't want to"?

You just want to go, don't you? My feelings don't come into it.

All right. I just wanna go.

I can't sing, but I'm young

I can't do a thing, but I'm young

I'm a fool

But I'm cool

Don't put me down

Oh, what the hell do we do now then?

I still got them, Yvonne.

Still got what, Brenda?

Our return tickets.

Smashing. Let's go home then.

When we came to London

When we came to London

We thought we'd have a smashing time

Because we'd never been on the scene

We knew we'd have to seem more grand

When we got to London When we got to London

We had the look to crash and clown

Without a single stop, to the top

We made the grade in London town

We were always given the table

Everybody knew

Who we were

So why weren't we able

To stop feeling blue?

Getting out of London Getting out of London

No one will want a smashing time

And when you need a roof Home is best

You put your feet up Homeward bound

- Smashing time, smashing time - On home ground

Smashing time, smashing time

We know we'll have a smashing time