Original subtitles

Okay, I think we got everything we need

for the Valentine's Day dinner.

We got tablecloths, sparkling grape juice,

and a Doomsday pamphlet

I got from that weird guy in the parking lot

that I folded into a swan.

Oh. This is gonna be awesome.

Is it? 'Cause to remind you,

it is dinner cooked by our kids

at the school on Valentine's night.

Could anything kill sexual energy faster? What?

Chez Second Grade is hella sexy.

Wait, that's inappropriate.

Off the record. Off the record!

Besides, if you didn't want to do it,

you shouldn't have volunteered to run it with me.

I didn't. You signed me up.

Now I got to spend this holiday with all the people I hate most --

the parents in our class.

What about that new single dad

everybody's going crazy for?

The one with the messenger bag I can't seem to find online.

Colin? The British guy?

He is so awkward around me.

We had one run-in at the gas station,

and he brings it up every time I see him.

It's like, "Move on with your life."

Okay, who cares about the other parents?

The important thing is we're hanging out again.

Sorry we had to take a break while I was seeing Tracy.

But then she dumped ya butt.

She did. She dumped ma butt.

So tomorrow, I'm gonna make up for being a bad friend.

Will and Angie are back.

In fact, the new teaser for "Joust!" just came out.

Do you want to watch it a hundred times?

Let's take it slow. Okay.

Wait, what is this?

Batteries, tampons, smoke alarms?

These things weren't on the list.

Yeah, it's on the PTA for letting me use their credit card.

-- Captions by VITAC --

[ Smooch! ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hey.

* Lady in red *

Douglas: Good afternoon, my love.

What's happening?

Are you "Lady in Red"-ing me?

You're damn right I am. [ Music shuts off ]

Valentine's Day,

you're a woman, and I am prepared.

Got the bear, got the card,

got enough chocolate

to turn that Hotel for Dogs into Jonestown.

[ Laughs ] Douglas, we don't need to do this.

You're dating a woman who doesn't subscribe

to archaic cultural norms, okay?

I'm evolved.

Oh, you are. But evolved from whom?

Athena?

Persephone? Aphrodite? [ Chuckles ]

Those are Greek broads. Oh!

You were doing so well. You should've just stopped.

Oh, oh, you know what? I gotta go.

Love you. Love you too.

[ Receiver clacks ] Your next patient is in the Choo-Choo Room.

Okay, for the last time, it's called Exam Room Two.

No.

Big Red: Ding-dong, Chipmunk.

Big Red.

I'm here for a skin check.

I've been sizzling in the Panamanian sun for the past year,

and... I'm cooked through.

[ Softly ] Even the thick parts. A year?

I-I thought your trip was supposed to last five months.

I was sex trafficked.

Voluntarily.

[ Sniffs ]

Something's different.

You're in a relationship now.

[ Sniffs ]

She has a small business and has a child

who will host the Thanksgiving Day Parade

in about 20 years.

Y-You know, I could refer you

to some fantastic dermatologists.

Oh!

I dig. I dig. If your gal finds out

that you're here with me, she's gonna scream so loud

her ass'll fall out.

Oh, God, you paint with words.

A-And as far as my lady friend,

she would handle it perfectly fine.

You see, she is an evolved woman.

I don't care who she is.

When a woman is in love, she's jealous.

Well, we are deeply in love. Are you sure?

Sounds like maybe her jets have cooled.

You're wrong.

Her jets are...firing.

Oh, you like jets, do you?

How about a couple of jumbos?

A-A-Assist! Stacy! Female assist!

Alright, folks.

The name of the game is tips.

That's why we've got you bartending, Graham.

I don't know how to bartend. It's simple.

Bat those doe eyes,

agree with everything the customer says,

and when in doubt, always say, "I hear you, partner."

Now, where's my fiddler? Sophie: I keep telling you,

I don't know how to play violin.

I play the clarinet.

And I keep telling you --

nobody's smooching to a woodwind.

It's Valentine's Day.

Wet lips get tips. Now hit it.

[ Bow grinds ]

[ Violin plays "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" off-key ]

**

Hey.

Homily's got strep,

so she asked me to help out in the kitchen.

Doesn't that mean you have strep?

Nah, just a fever. Hurts when I swallow.

Tell me where to go. [ Clears throat ]

Miggy, give us a moment.

What should we do?

He sounds contagious, but we're understaffed. [ Sighs ]

I know.

Let's roll the dice, man.

I-I'm not eating any of that crap.

Are you? Definitely not.

Miggy, hit the kitchen.

Cool.

[ Mutters ]

Oh, God. There's the new British dad.

Will, look away. Look away.

[ British accent ] Hi, Angie. Will.

Hi, Colin. Remember the gas station?

We met there.

Yep. Yeah, we've been over this, Angie.

Several times.

Well, I was getting gas. To put in my gas hole.

You keep calling it that.

It's accurate, but odd.

I don't know if you've been by our old hang,

but, whoa, is there news at the gas station.

They have, uh, Danishes.

I can buy you one. You...

What is happening right now?

We cannot seem to let go of the gas station.

I just pray one day I'll be released from this hell.

Oh.

Hey, you like scratchers?

Beep, beep! Honk, honk!

$30 on six!

Oh, my God.

The weird thing is,

I-I rehearsed that conversation like a thousand times.

Every time I'm around him, I just melt.

I'm probably overreacting.

It wasn't that bad, right?

Angie. You called it a "gas hole."

**

Bonjour. Welcome to Chez Second Grade.

Name?

You know who we are.

You made me carry you inside

so you wouldn't get your shoes dirty.

[ Clears throat ] Name?

It's easier if we just play along.

Poppy Banks. Ah.

Banks, Banks, Poppy...

Yeah, no, I'm not seeing it.

Well, you better see it.

We put down a $60 deposit.

Oh, here it is. Ooh.

Ooh. Sorry, but looks like

we had to give your table away.

VIP showed up.

But maybe we could work something out.

Rory, I'm not tipping you. Fine.

Then you can go... stand by the bar.

With the rest of the Valley trash.

You okay?

You seem a bit on edge. Yeah.

I just need to tell you about something,

and I-I'm really not sure how you're gonna react.

Oh, God. You voted for him, didn't you?

I knew it. I was too scared to ask.

N-No, no. It's -- It's about today.

Uh, Big Red showed up to get some moles checked,

and, uh, before I could escape

from the Choo-Choo Room -- Dammit, Stacy! --

uh, she dropped her gown, and, um, I saw everything.

Oh, my God. Now, relax.

There is no need to be jealous.

I'm not jealous. I'm worried.

Is her skin okay?

You're not mad? Why would I be mad?

You're a doctor doing your job.

R-Right. Okay.

Alright. That -- That's wonderful.

I'm -- I'm very happy with, uh...with your reaction.

Rory, how's the table coming?

Name?

You doing okay, Angie?

I'm still spiraling about Colin.

I haven't even tried the Danishes at the gas station.

I can't vouch for them.

What if he tries one a-a-and it's bad?

[ Sighs ] I'll look so stupid.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gotta say, I've never seen you this frazzled over a guy before.

Well, except for the guy who delivers the circulars.

Danny.

**

Oh. Danny.

Looks like we're both early birds, hmm?

Thanks. You know, you seem so handy.

Any chance you know how to fix

a broken bedside table lamp?

'Cause I have a broken bedside table lamp.

It's by my bed.

Sorry. I'm not very good with that stuff.

Okay.

[ Sprinkler running ] Oh, watch out for the sprinkler!

Oops. Gotcha again. [ Laughs ]

You know, I'm starting to think Danny might not be interested.

Uh, cha-yeah. He's way out of both of our leagues,

but Colin would be great for you.

I know, bro. He's perfect.

He's like if Paddington were a man.

Hey, why don't I talk to Colin?

You know, one hot dad to another.

Let me do this for you.

No, I don't want you to do anything for me.

You know, right now, I could be home,

opening cans of Friskies to meet the neighborhood cats.

Just stay out of it.

You know, Miggy, if I fix this,

she's gonna thank me later.

Fo sho, so sho.

Also, my ears are plugged up.

I didn't hear any of that.

Are you sure you're feeling alright?

You know that pot is empty.

I'm hoping this doesn't last more than an hour.

Hey, Colin. Sorry. Could I talk to you for a sec?

Ah. For the last time, the -- the bag was a gift.

I don't know where it's from.

That's your fourth milk. You might wanna slow down.

I can handle it. I took a Lactaid.

You sure you're okay?

Of course I'm okay.

I can't believe they're charging market prices for fish sticks.

It's for a good cause, Douglas.

I mean, it's --

A wine fridge in the faculty lounge?

Oh, hell no. That's crazy.

I'm getting to the bottom of this.

Barkeep. One more.

[ Sighs ]

Tough day?

You don't know the half of it.

I hear you, partner.

Graham, can I confide in you?

That's what I'm here for.

I saw Big Red today, and I told Poppy,

and she didn't even get jealous.

She didn't get jealous? That's not great.

Exactly, and it's only been six months.

[ Sighs ]

She's probably over it already.

When you're right, you're right. I don't know.

Maybe she's lost the passion,

and what's a relationship without passion?

Without passion, ya dead.

Okay. So, that's it. She's over me.

You know what? You hit me with some tough things today, kid,

but I needed to hear it.

Let's settle up.

Milk is $9?

Gratuity not included.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Okay.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Your rabbit food is done.

You drenched this in balsamic!

We were trying to drown it.

It was a mercy killing.

Miggy was supposed to be helping you with this,

and where is Will?

He disappeared 20 minutes ago!

So, she was flirting with me?

She was so off-putting.

Yeah. That's an American thing.

It's actually considered very sexy here. [ Chuckles ]

We also let people die if they don't have health insurance,

but, trust me, she's into you. Really?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I do find her quite... fetching.

[ Chuckles ] I thought she hated me,

the way she kept torturing me

with stories about the gas station.

Yeah. I can see how you got there. [ Chuckles ]

But give her a chance

because she's actually really great when you get to know her.

Is that her, sputtering from the shadows?

Oh, my God. She's sweating.

Without turning around, I'm gonna say, yes, that's her.

Be back in a jiff.

Now, I trust this table suits the both of you?

Right next to the restrooms. Okay.

Yes. [ Toilet flushes ]

I did not hear the sink.

Oh.

Alright, I am starved.

Uh, you want to split the spaghetti and jello?

Poppy, we need to talk.

Um, Graham and I -- we -- we had a few belts,

and he said -- and -- and now, these are his words,

not mine -- that, um...

our relationship is dead.

Aw, such a sweet boy.

Wait, what?

I told you about Big Red,

and you weren't even fazed at all.

Why weren't you jealous? Well, should I be?

Did something happen? No.

Oh. Then why would I be jealous?

Because you love me. Supposedly.

Excuse me? [ Stammering ]

[ Off-key violin music plays ] S-Sophie, d-do you mind?

We're in the middle of a thing here.

If I don't finish this song,

I'm gonna get it from my manager.

Here. Find another table. There you go.

Look...the passion is obviously gone for you.

I mean, if I found out that one of your exes

showed up at the Winebrary and took his clothes off --

Yeah, I'd call the cops

because there'd be a naked man at a feminist bookstore,

or a woman, based on that one time I studied abroad.

Really? Th-- No, you know what?

Don't distract me while we're arguing.

The point is I would have been riled up

because I would have wanted you to know that I cared.

Douglas, if me being a jealous, crazy person

is the only way that you know I care about you,

then I feel sorry for you.

Oh, so, now you feel sorry for me?

Yeah, it's sad.

Then I guess I'm just a sad man.

Douglas.

I'm walking out the door.

**

The coats have disappeared.

**

Girls, that is for the parents.

Get that bread on some tables now.

We're starving. Is someone gonna check on Miggy?

Just gonna take a little cat nap.

Up in no time.

Miggy, you're sick. Go home.

No, he is fine.

What the hell, Will?

What is the big deal? You like Colin.

Now, thanks to me, he knows that.

He does?

What are you thinking?!

God, this is none of your business.

Of course it is. You're my best friend.

Look, I know we took a break, but I'm trying --

Will, we haven't talked in forever.

You were busy with Tracy

and then busy getting over Tracy,

and I was over here doing my own thing.

Did you even know that I ate

one of those jumbo barrels of Chex Mix?

Yeah. And I think I did permanent damage to my colon.

I'm seeing a specialist.

Okay.

Well, I've been through stuff, too.

I had a very serious girlfriend for two hours,

whose name escapes me right now.

Well, you missed when I got really into "Pokémon Go."

I got hit by a car.

You think that's something?

I actually hit a woman with my ca--

Oh, my gosh, Angie.

Why did you run into the woods?

Yeah, I'm Italian! By the way...

[Exhales sharply] Graham hung out with his dad,

and you never even asked me about that.

Do you know who helped me through that?

Douglas.

Do you have any idea how hard-up you have to be

to lean on Douglas?

Angie, I'm sorry, okay?

I wish I had been there for that,

and I really wish I hadn't hit you with my car.

But I'm here now.

And -- And that's what tonight was supposed to be about.

You can't just snap your fingers and expect us

to go back to right where we were.

I'm gonna get some air.

Angie...

Colin called you "fetching."

Of course he did.

I'm fetching as hell.

Hey, Will, is this a bad time?

Kinda. Do you really need me?

Eh. We're good.

**

[ Sighs ] Colin: Angie?

Are you, uh...

headed to your car?

Oh, no.

Am I giving you a segue

to talk about the gas station?

I don't think I can handle that right now.

[ Chuckles ]

No.

I'm too tired

to be weird around you right now.

[ Sighs ]

Is there...any world

where there's alcohol in that?

That depends.

Would that be something

that you would judge me for?

You clearly don't know me at all.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh.

Wow. Ooh.

[ Coughs ]

It's straight vodka.

Yeah, I used one of those plungers

that you get in a box of children's medicine.

I use a funnel.

I'm sorry that I've...

acted so strangely.

I, uh...I'm on serious medication

for a self-inflicted digestive issue.

And also...

you make me nervous.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, if it's any consolation,

I'm new to being single.

I'm [Sighs] not really that good at this, either.

You're okay. [ Chuckles ]

You know, Will said some really interesting things about you.

Well, don't believe him. He's lying.

He's trying to destroy me. [ Chuckles ] No.

He said that you're incredibly kind,

and that you're raising a wonderful kid.

Despite the fact that you've been

to two Good Charlotte concerts.

And that no matter what, you're always there for him.

He would know.

He's my best friend.

He's, like, you know,

the kind of guy you want to hang out with

at a gas station.

And we're back.

I almost made it. Yeah.

So close. [ Exhales sharply ]

I'm gonna go back in.

I think Will needs my help.

Thank you.

Strong.

Do you really think I'm fetching?

Yes.

**

[ Fire extinguisher hissing ]

[ Kids cheering ]

I don't know why you guys are cheering.

It's pretty obvious this dinner isn't going to happen.

And someone needs to take Miggy home.

We're taking care of it. Eat the soup!

Alright, let's go tell these parents to go home.

Angie: No one's going anywhere!

Will and Angie are back!

It's dinnertime, bitches!

Not you. Let's go!

No, "Chez Second Grade."

That's a fraudulent charge. But --

[ Door opens ] No, my credit card wasn't stolen.

I just don't think that I should have to pay for it. [ Door closes ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Chair scrapes ]

Listen, I-I-I'm obviously sorry

for how I behaved earlier.

I'm -- I'm embarrassed.

Look, Douglas, you know I love you,

and me not getting jealous is proof of that.

It means I trust you.

You're right.

It's just Graham, you know?

He got me all turned around.

I just wanted to have a nice conversation,

but he wouldn't let it go.

Eh, but to be honest, he's Italian, you know?

They're not over the war.

So, to be clear, you're gonna blame

your behavior tonight on Graham?

Most of it. Yes.

And maybe it was me a little, too. Uh-huh.

Poppy, look, I am --

I'm just not used to dating a woman like you,

so put together, so steady, so age-appropriate.

Let's not get it twisted.

I'm still way too young for you.

And, look, I'm sorry.

I'm never gonna be that...crazy woman

you may have wanted in the past.

But there's still other ways we can keep it hot.

Ooh.

Mm.

I think I'll go run a bath.

And I also ordered some spicy Thai food.

Thank you. Because you know I ate nothing at that dinner.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Ah.

I'm looking for Chipmunk.

It's a mole thing. Oh.

Okay. Let me just get him.

You know what? Actually, no.

I'm not buying this mole thing.

But you're very fair, so I hope you use sunscreen.

[ Chuckles ] I use Crisco.

Look, I don't want to bloody my knuckles,

so you've got five seconds to get out of my sight,

'cause it's Valentine's Day

and I'm gonna eat Thai food with my man.

Then we might take a bath, but probably a shower

because we've tried it and we both can't fit in the tub.

Wow.

Was that the food? Uh, yeah.

Yeah, they forgot the chopsticks,

so I sent them back.

Of course you did.

**

Thanks for coming back.

I-I think you were right.

I can't just snap my fingers

and get us back to where we were.

Hey. Look at this dinner we put together.

I think we already have.

Colin: Hey, Angie.

You ready?

Sorry, Will, I would help with the cleanup,

but, um...

Oh, God.

I should've had an excuse ready to go.

Are you cool if I head out?

'Course. Yeah.

Enjoy your evening

with Hilltop's second-hottest single dad.

Who's the first? Hmm.

Solid burn. [ Chuckles ]

Happy Valentine's Day, Ang.

You too.

**

Hey.

**

Nightcap, chief?

Yeah, it's been a long night. I could use one.

Well, the bar's closed.

[ Door opens ]

Oh, my God.

Danny. Is Angie here?

I got something important I want to say to her.

Aw, bud.

She left with someone else.

[ Exhales sharply ]

I'm too late.

**

That poor, beautiful boy.

Oh, hey, Graham.

Hey, Poppy. How was your Valentine's Day?

Really nice. And yours?

Rory took most of my tips,

but I still had enough for these.

New laces.

[ School bell rings ]

Well, they're playing my song.

Gotta go.

One more thing.

I know you're trying to break me and Douglas up,

but it's not gonna work.

But I-I was just --

Shh, shh!

Run along now.

Like a son to me.

**

Mm.

**