Original subtitles

LAINEY: Back in the '90s, dating-themed TV game shows

hit a peak like never before.

Shows likeBlind Date, Studs,

Personals ruled the airwaves,

at least between midnight and 2:00 a.m.

But the king of them all was the monster hit Singled Out,

and there was no bigger fan of the show

than our own Principal Glascott.

All right, everybody.

I've got big Valentine's Day news.

We are gonna put on our own version of Singled Out.

That MTV dating show?

Exactly.

With us teachers as the contestants.

It'll be for charity, and the students will love it.

Oh, Barry's coming for Valentine's Day.

I'm pretty sure he'll want to play

'cause he's super competitive.

It's often unhealthy.

In a supreme act of chivalry,

I say my love Julie must bow out of this.

The idea of dozens of men vying for her hand sickens her.

I'm fine with it.

Trying to be so brave, but it's tearing her up inside.

It's not.

Love demands that I remove Julie from this contest.

For her sanity.

I am good with whatever you need me to do, John,

and Rick's fine with it, too.

GLASCOTT: Thank you.

And I thought that our own Wilma Howell

would serve as our bachelorette.

You? Selecting from 50 bachelors? Yowza!

No. Pass.

Is there romance in the air for Wilma?

This is weird and out of bounds.

It'll be fun. Just do it.

Yeah, no. Please.

No, no, no. Do it.

No. Come on.

Fine. If it'll end this.

All right. She loves it. [CHUCKLES] Okay.

And for William Penn's saucy former Playmate sidekick, Jenny McCarthy?

Choice is pretty obvious.

Liz Flemming.

Oh, Liz is actually in Upstate New York showing her dogs...

Not competitively, just around.

Oh, okay. Well, I guess we could use Lainey.

Oh, so, I'm second choice?

Do you want the job, or...

No, I'll do it. Great.

So, that only leaves selecting the host.

We need someone that is camera-ready, charismatic,

really comfortable in front of a crowd.

How about Johnny Atkins?

Yes! My big break!

Hollywood, here I come.

Hey, what a great idea, CB, to have Johnny do it.

So, I guess we're all set, then, right? [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Johnny, I have one question.

Do you have your own game-show microphone?

Uh, no.

Oh, that's too bad, because...

I do! [LAUGHS]

♪ One of these days, you're gonna get outta here

♪ Live your life and finally be free

♪ Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do

♪ Someday, you will say "Those were the days" ♪

LAINEY: It was February 12th, 1990-something,

and it had been a week since I'd found out

CB had more-than-friend feelings for me,

which had me feeling a little uneasy.

Why are you crab-walking

around the cafeteria like you're Sebastian?

I'm trying to avoid CB, which I wouldn't have to do

if you hadn't told me he has a crush on me.

I did? Wow.

What Mr. Granger said

while he was stealing office supplies is true...

I am no good at keeping secrets.

See? I just did it again.

I just don't want to hurt CB's feelings.

But I guess since he doesn't know that I know,

all I have to do is play it cool,

and everything will be normal.

Hey, Lainey.

[THUD] Ooh, Lainey.

You broke my heart.

What? I didn't even know!

Uh, i-if I did, I didn't do it on purpose.

It's okay. It's just a cookie.

Right. Obviously. Duh.

[CHUCKLES] That's... [LAUGHS]

That's funny. That's a funny cookie.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Um, are you okay?

You're acting weird. Me? No.

Anyway, thank you for the nice cookie friend gift. Mm.

Cool and normal... Check and check.

You be quiet. I just wasn't prepared.

But now I can just behave the same as normal,

and our friendship won't change.

Since that knowledge

is in the prefrontal cortex of your brain,

you will not be able to behave as if you didn't know.

It's science. Yeah?

Well, I have my doubts about this "science" you speak of.

You can't doubt science.

Oh, I doubt it, all right. I doubt it all over.

I will prove your science wrong.

Then the challenge is on! Science is gonna waste ya!

You got a little scary.

You come for science, you come for me.

LAINEY: As the challenge was on between Wilma and me,

Glascott was getting some pushback of his own.

So, game show host-wise, I was thinking of going

with a modern Richard Dawson vibe.

What do you think?

I think no kids will be paying attention.

Hm.

Uhp, gotta go.

Well, thanks for playing our game!

[CHUCKLES]

Felicia feeling any better?

She's doing just great.

What makes you think she's not?

She missed PE.

Oh, that's weird. Felicia loves PE.

This is the fifth class she's missed

for medical reasons.

I didn't know she was sick.How could you not?

You're the one who signed all her excuse notes.

This does look like my handwriting,

but somehow better.

Forging signatures, often the first step

in a life of crime...

Or light secretarial work.

I love how she crosses the T's in "Glascott" with one line

and then curls it under.

It's bold yet refined.

'Tis.

Hey, do you mind if I keep it?

I'm gonna get my rubber stamps made just like this.

Have at it,

but if your niece misses one more swim class,

I may have to fail her for the semester.

Wait. She's skipping swim class?

I think I know what's going on.

The recurring "medical" issue is probably a womanly issue

that she's too embarrassed to talk about.

It's... It's her, uh...

It's her uteroshmmhmmm.

Her "uteroshmmhmmm"?

What's her uteroshmmhmmm?

Her perioushmmhmmhmmhmm.

I don't know how to make it any more clear.

Oh, that!

She needs guidance.

Can't she talk to her mom about that stuff

or any lady she sees in the street that's not us?

Come on, Rick. My sister's working two jobs.

Her plate is full.

We can handle this. We're evolved.

Well, to be honest with you, I'm still a little unclear

about some of the nuts and bolts down there.

Well, it's a good thing that I'm emotionally equipped

to handle delicate feminine topics.

In fact, I just talked to my secretary, Martha,

about menopause

and gently guided her into the quiet winter of her life.

LAINEY: Glascott was willing to have an uncomfortable talk with his niece,

and I was proving to Wilma

that things between CB and I had never been more pleasant.

Oh, hello, CB. And how are you today?

I am fine. I'm fine, as well.

Oh, I brought you one of my Snapples

from the teachers' lounge fridge,

and I would be happy to share,

as I always do with you.

Thanks, but I'm more into brewed tea now.

Gently steeped young leaves

paired with riveting conversation?

Nothing better.

I got something to show you.

See? Couldn't be more normal.[DRAWER OPENS]

Yeah, it's early.

Check out my new tea ball.

Tea Spectatorsays it's perfect for brewing oolong,

which is kind of my jam these days.

I had been dabbling in rooibos,

but the subtle mouth feeling of oolong...

Now I know why they call it "ooo" long.

[CHUCKLES]

This is the guy you want to stay friends with?

Lainey likes a nice Earl Grey.

Does she occasionally enjoy chamomile?

Yes, she does.

Let's go grab a cup of tea later

in the same manner as we often do.

Oh, I was hoping to see the movie Babe

before it leaves theaters.

The pig movie? That looks adorable!

And since we're such good friends, how 'bout I join you?

Oh, sure, yeah, if you'd like.

In fact, let's grab a bite after...

Two friends discussing a film.

Sounds good.

Wilma, can I use a Bunsen burner in your classroom?

My electric teapot's on the fritz.

I don't get the whole tea thing, but sure.

Oh! Thank you.

See? What'd I tell you?

Lainey, one, science, zippo.

Despite knowing, just like I said I would, I behaved totally normal.

What I saw was you just totally

normally asked CB out on a date.

What? No!

We're going, uh, to a movie and then dinner and...

Oh, my God. We're going on a date.

Yep, I had made things way weirder between CB and I.

As for Glascott,

he took a totally normal approach with Felicia.

I hope you didn't bring me in here

to look at more clothes for your Singled Out...

Oh, no.

Coach Mellor told me that you've been skipping swim class.

Oh, my God.

It's okay. I'm here for you.

And so are these. [CHUCKLES]

I didn't know which ones to get. There's so many.

There's max flow and wings, overnight.

But it's not like you're gonna be sleeping in the swimming pool.

That would be crazy.

Seriously, just stop talking.

I tried to find "sport cut," but apparently,

Playtex has not cracked that nut yet.

But you know what?

With a little creativity,

you and I could get a pair of scissors

and sort of create a new s...

Uncle John, you can't wear pads in a pool.

Well, that's good to know.

My period is not why I don't want to do swimming.

Then what's the problem?

I hate putting on the swimsuit, okay?

All the other girls in my class are like half my size,

and it just makes me feel self-conscious and gross and...

Ugh!

Please, can we just stop talking about this?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you felt this way.

But that's crazy.

You are perfect just the way you are.

You're my uncle. You have to say that.

But I know what I see when I look in the mirror.

♪♪

I should not have used the receipt to throw away my gum.

LAINEY: I had accidentally asked CB out on a friend date,

but the universe kept trying to make it more romantic.

Again, I'm sorry the movie Babewas sold out,

but I thought Eyes Wide Shut was an interesting film.

Yeah, no pigs in that one.

Some people live really sexy lives, I guess.Mm.

Good evening.

Welcome to Bistro De L'Amore.

Oh! Je suisCB.

I'm sorry. Is this not a TGI Fridays anymore?

It was, then a Houlihan's and a Sbarro,

then a laser-tag place,

and now the most romantic dining experience in Jenkintown.

Mm. Of course it is.

Seriously? Two people are supposed to fit in there?

Come on. Calm down.

We... We can squeeze in.

I may just stand.

Really? Yes.

It is actually better for your digestion.

Your whole deal just lines right up.

You know, you've been kind of acting weird all day,

and I think I know what it is.

You do? Yes.

Please sit.

Um, I think you know that I kind of maybe had a crush on you.

Oh. Well...

No, but it's okay.

I'm moving on now, I got my own place,

you and Barry are great together,

and...it's all good between us, right?

Yes. It's all good between us.

Okay, good, 'cause I really didn't want to ruin this friendship.

I was dumb to think that I could act normal and hide it,

but y-you can't act normal.

It's gonna affect your behavior.

Everyone knows that. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Everyone knows that.

It's science. Yes.

♪♪

So, I talked to my niece.

You get her period all squared away?

'Cause we're starting water polo,

and I need gals with reach.

Turns out it wasn't about that.

She's at that age where she's uncomfortable with her body.

She's really down.

I've never seen her like this before.

Time to do things my way,

and that's to get her active, get her endorphins flowing.

Then she'll feel good about her body again.

I think this is a good idea,

and I'm gonna join you to support Felicia,

and to tone up for my big debut

as the host of Singled Out!

Yeah, I'm still not playing.You sure about that?

The winner receives a year's supply

of feminine hygiene products.

I'm not playing even more now.

Circuit training? Really?

Eighteen stations of nonstop fun.

I'm afraid so, Felicia.

Coach Mellor's letting you do this to earn extra credit

so that you don't fail PE.

And I'm gonna do it with you.

Let's rock and roll! [WHISTLE BLOWS]

Ab blasters!

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[STRAINING] I should not have started the day

with that crab cake omelet! Ugh!

Let's go, let's go! Crunch it up!

Let's do some frog squats.

Low.

Kick it out. Bang! [GRUNTS]

My God.

Frogs must be in constant pain.

Felicia, you work out like an athlete at the top of her game,

and I can say with authority

that, physically, you have nothing to be insecure about.

Look forward to seeing you at the pool tomorrow.

You guys just don't get it.

I know I'm fit, but I still don't want to be seen

in a bathing suit, okay?

Why? Are people saying mean things to you?

They don't have to.

I say enough mean things to myself.

LAINEY: That's when they realized

sometimes body issues aren't about the body at all.

So, what do we do now?

Maybe something will come to me while I'm throwing up.

Wilma, you were right.

I know. About what?

About the brain's prefrontal cornhole.

If something's in it, you cannot hide it.

That's cortex, and also, I told you so.

Don't mess with science.

So, you told CB you know?

No. He thought I was acting weird

because he was acting weird

when he was staying at my place

because liking me was in his prefrontal cortex.

Anyway, it all came out.

Wow, that must've been awkward.

No, it was actually great.

Ooh. Science twist.

Once everything was out in the open, we were able to relax

and enjoy a really nice dinner.Mm-hmm.

We had a couple bottles of wine, we laughed a ton.

Mm-hmm. We must've lost track of time,

'cause next thing you knew, it was 1:00 a.m.

and they were kicking us out.

Man, I haven't had fun like that in a long time.

Mm-hmm!

Wait. Why was that "mm-hmm" different?

It wasn't different. Oh, it was different.

Look, I don't know what you're implying,

but you can just drop it, 'cause things are good and back to normal.

Are they, though? Yes!

CB and I are back to being friends.

Are you, though? Of course.

And Barry is clearly the one for me.Is he, though?

Just say what you're implying with your vague questions.

All I'm saying is Barry lives far away

and you hardly ever see each other.

I'm not questioning how you feel,

but a long-distance situation

can make it tough for a relationship to grow.

Is it possible it might be holding you back?

From what, being with CB?Maybe.

Or maybe just from exploring and experiencing things

that are right here in the present.

Why are you doing this? Doing what?

You asked me to say things.

Yeah, but I meant different things!

First I got to be in the dumb game show, now this.

LAINEY: Determined to make Felicia feel better,

Glascott came up with a plan to show Felicia

she wasn't the only one with insecurities.

Oh, Felicia. Fancy running into you here.

In the cafeteria at lunchtime,

where all students are required to be?

Someone's been reading the student handbook.

[LAUGHS]

Anyhoo, Coop was just telling me

he's insecure because he can't read.

No, I-I said I was an early reader.

And the kids, they would call me

very hurtful, hurtful names...Mm. Mm.

...bookworm, Poindexter... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

...Literate Larry.

Point is, it made you feel so bad, you learned how to read.

Come on, man. I ju...

I'm sorry.

Is this a conversation about feeling bad?

Why, yes, it is, CB.

Do you, by chance, have anything to add?

Do I ever.

I'd love to talk to someone about my weird ankles.

They make me feel less than.

GLASCOTT: Ohh. CB: You know?

People are always saying, "CB, your ankles are perfectly fine,"

but that's not how I see it.Mm-hmm. Mm.

It's the great shame at the end of my legs.

I know what you're doing, Uncle J.

We talking body-confidence issues over here?

Hold on. Not yet.

I'm not doing anything. [CHUCKLES]

All right, go on.

Are we talking body-confidence issues over here?

Wait, you can't tell me Rick Mellor

has body-confidence issues.

[LAUGHS] Do I ever. Where do I even start?

Head, shoulders, knees, toes?

You're just doing the song.

But, Rick, I think that your head, shoulder, knees and toes,

knees and toes are just beautiful.Ugh.

What the hell is going on?

It's just good to know that we all have insecurities.

Yeah, so you don't have to feel bad

about wearing a bathing suit.Oh, my God!

Did you tell the whole school?

No, just all your teachers.Just us.

I am already embarrassed about this,

and now I feel even more ashamed

because everybody knows my personal business.

Thanks a lot!

Felicia, wait.

Felicia, please, let's talk.

No, I'm done, Uncle John.

Just stop trying to fix this.

You don't get it, and you never will.

♪♪

LAINEY: Glascott finally realized

it wasn't that anybody could tell her

to feel good about herself,

because everywhere she looked,

society was telling her she shouldn't.

It was Valentine's Day, the day of the big Singled Out game.

Barry had made his way down from Detroit,

and I had a plan to prove Wilma wrong.

Hey, I want to be the girl contestant for Singled Out.

Done. I'm free! And you'll be Jenny McCarthy.

Oh, still not great, but better than before.

Why the sudden change?

Well, Singled Out takes a big group of guys

and narrows them down to reveal who's right for you,

and I'm gonna prove to you that the last man standing

will be Barry Goldberg. Mm-hmm.

I'm not doing the "mm-hmm" thing again. Just say it.

Well, I don't think you're trying to prove anything to me.

I think you're trying to prove it to yourself.

This is gonna be awesome.

It was always my destiny to be on MTV.

I figured it'd be as a rapper, but this is a close second.

Again, this is not on TV.

That's why I love you. You keep me grounded.

Oh, hey, there's been a change.

I'm gonna be the bachelorette for Singled Out.

Oh, sweet! There's no way I can lose!

I know all the desires of my Lainey-love's heart.

Damn right you do.

I'm gonna go psych out the competition,

get inside their heads.

Hey, dummies.

You all look dumb.

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

♪♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Welcome to the first-ever

William Penn Valentine's Day edition of Singled Out.

"And now please welcome the man

"who put the 'prince' and the 'pal' in 'principal...'"

Oh, God, I should've just stayed the contestant.

...John Glascott.

[APPLAUSE]

Yeah! Thank you!

I'm so happy to be here.

Now let's meet our lucky lady.

Or should I say lucky Lainey?

John, come on. [LAUGHS]

It's our very own Lainey Lewis!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Okay, Wilma.

Please tell everyone how the game works.

If I have to. You do.

Sure.

Principal Glascott will give Lainey a series of choices,

and the guys whose answers don't match up with Lainey's get the boot,

until there's only one left.

We all know who that's gonna be.

GLASCOTT: All right, Lainey. First choice.

Skiing on the mountain or sunning on the beach?

Sunshine all day, John.

All right, guys. Let's see 'em.

Oh. All you mountain men, it's time to take a hike.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come on, Rick.

To me, Nurse Julie is the answer to all the questions.

Yeah, says the loser who's just been booted.

Also, you're a good man and a friend through the years.

Okay, that was a mess.

But back to our game.

Lainey, scary movie or rom-com?

Rom-com all the way.

You guys suck at knowing personal information

about my girlfriend.

LAINEY: And this process repeated again and again.

Italian or Chinese?

LAINEY: Italian.

LAINEY: Sweet. Sweet, baby.

LAINEY: Massage.

Twelve questions later, it was down to Barry

and, wouldn't you know it, CB.

Now one question would decide it all.

Mr. Serious or big ol' goofball?

Goofball.

Okay. One more question.

Dogs or cats? Cats.

Okay. It was a lot more questions.

Boxers.

Chevrolet. Vroom!

Chocolate milk.

Well, um, I'm afraid that's it.

What? That can't be it. There's still two guys left.

Well, that's all the cards we have.

For the first time

in the first-ever William Penn Singled Out,

we have a tie!

Tie? There can't be a tie!

There needs to be a clear winner.

And there will be!

[BOARD CLACKS]

One, two, three, four,

I declare a thumb war.

Come on, come on.

Yes. Ohh, one, two, three.

Yes! Whoo!

Big Tasty for the win!

Yes! Whoo!

That was a lot of fun, Barry.

Thank you so much for coming into town.

Victory lap!

♪♪

Hey. Where you going?

Oh, I just need a little air.

Well, you must be feeling pretty good.Why?

You proved what you wanted to prove.

I don't know if I did. [SIGHS]

What do you mean? Barry won.Did he, though?

TheSingled Out game had left me more confused than ever.

As for Glascott, he finally understood Felicia's issue.

Mind if I have a seat?

Look, it was...

It was wrong for me to try and "fix" you.

I'm really sorry about that.

Well, I guess it was just you trying to help in your own stupid way.

The truth is, you don't need fixing.

You're perfect just the way you are.

I really mean it.

And I'm not saying that just because I'm your uncle.

I appreciate it.

It's just, you have no idea what it's like

to be a teenage girl and have to deal with all this stuff.

You're right. I don't.

But I do know what it's like to be an uncle

who would do anything to help his niece when she's hurting.

Would you let me try one more stupid thing to help?

[TLC'S UNPRETTYPLAYS]

Go ahead. Open it.

♪ I wish I could tie you up in my shoes

♪ Make you feel unpretty, too

♪ I was told I was beautiful

♪ But what does that mean to you?

♪ Look into the mirror, who's inside there

FELICIA: What's all this?

You had a bunch of pictures in there

that showed how you wanted the world to see you.

I'm showing you how the world does see you,

as a smart, amazing, driven young woman

who kicks all kinds of ass.

FELICIA: That was a really cool day.Are you kidding me?

The first female football player

in the history of William Penn?

That was the best day.

You know, maybe I'm not giving my body enough credit.

I mean, it has got me some pretty incredible things.

It really has.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Thanks, Uncle J.

LAINEY: Growing up can be hard.

You spend so much time trying to be someone you're not,

you often lose sight of who you really are.

All right! Good class, everyone!

But if you're smart enough to listen to the people who know you the best,

you'll always find yourself again.

And even when you're a grown-up,

you still need those people who care enough about you

to tell you the truth.

♪ You can't look inside you

♪ Find out who am I to

♪ Be in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty

♪ You can buy your hair if it won't grow ♪

LAINEY: And when life throws some really tough questions your way,

sometimes the person you have to listen to is yourself.

John, took a lot of convincing,

but I know you're totally on board with this.

I am not on board with this.

Let's rock 'n' roll!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Come on. Give me three more. Let's go!

[GROANS] I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you. Yeah.

Come on. Let's twist. Use your obliques.

I don't want to twist anymore.

Stop passing me the ball.

Please keep it.

You're not listening to me.

This is how friendships fall apart.

Keep going. Feel the burn.

What's the point, Rick?

What's the [BLEEP] point?

All right. Good work, John.

Same time tomorrow?

I'll be here,

because I cannot move.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]