All language subtitles for Punching Henry 2016 1080p.en

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Oh, yes, that's funny.

Oh, that was so funny.
I like that one.

Henry. Henry Phillips.

Hey, John, man, I'm a huge fan.

Oh, thanks.
These are my friends.

We're all gonna see
your show tonight.

Hey, how's it going?
Thanks for coming.

We drove all the way from
Greensboro to see you.

Oh, wow.
We reserved the table.

I called ahead. We got
a table front row and center.

I was like, "we wanna
be right up front

to see Henry Phillips.

That's really cool.
Thanks, thanks so much.

Please tell me you're
gonna sing the bitch song.

Uh, you know what, that one
hasn't really grown on me.

So, I don't think
I'm gonna play it tonight.

Come on, man.

Oh shit.

Are you okay, man?
Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my god, you're bleeding.

What the hell.
We have to go to the hospital.

God.
Oh, my god.

- Oh, no.
- Tilt your head back.

Yeah. It's like
your nose is broken.

Are you okay?
Are you guys... are you...

So, we're going to the
fucking hospital?

I hope it gets better, man.

We drove all the way
from Greensboro.

I'm sorry, Henry.

This is Sharon Levine
and you're listening

to mouth fuck and I'm here
with comedian Henry Phillips.

You call yourself a rambling
troubadour extraordinaire.

What's that?

Uh, yeah, that's...
My manager says that.

I don't even know
what that means exactly.

I mean I'm a troubadour
and that... I guess

I play music and I travel,

so that's the rambling part.

I don't know
about extraordinaire.

Extraordinaire, that seems
like it might be subjective.

- Yeah.
- It's like calling

yourself the king of pop
or something.

Well, for a while there
I was calling myself

the king of hit-and-miss
comedy folk music

at shitty one-night bar gigs,

but apparently I'm not
the first to own that one.

You got to Google that stuff

to make sure it's not taken.

- That's true.
- My trick.

Gonna do a song for you now,

um, that I wanna dedicate
to anybody out there

in this room,
and I hope you enjoy it.

Sorry.

Shit.

Ma'am, you can't use
your phone in here.

All right, everybody,
I actually happen to have

one of these pills
on me right now.

We're gonna take this
and see if it works.

I've never
tried this before, but...

Chug, chug, chug, chug...

Thank you...

For supporting what's clearly
a problem that I have.

Ow!

Thank you. I wanna say
I sell these pills

for $10 a piece after the show if
you guys wanna come up and, uh...

How do you describe what you do?

Well, I've always like to say
that what I take from my life

I give back through my art.

And so far, I've taken
nothing but shit.

Thanks, everybody.

- Ellen?
- Henry?

Hey.

It's so good to hear your voice.

Same here. How are you?

- I'm great.
- Hey.

Okay. Hey, how are you doing?
Are you on the phone?

I am. I'm sorry Ellen.
Hold on one second.

Okay.
Listen. I thought you were

really, really, really funny.

Thanks for coming to the show.
I was laughing and stuff.

I've had four beers
and, um, eight shots.

No but listen,

you just got to keep trying.

- Henry, are you...
- Hey, man.

What's up, man?
Guess what, guess what.

What's that?
My name is Phil.

Oh, awesome.
My name is Henry Phillips.

Same difference, who cares.
Dude, come have some beer.

No, no, no, I got to...
Dude, come on.

My friends are super funny.

They should be comedians.
I know. Man, i...

Dude, come on,
we're going to the city bars.

It's gonna be fun.
Come on, dude.

No, I got a gig.
Don't be a pussy, bro.

Next week.
You're so weak bro.

No, I suck.

Hey, I'm out now. Sorry.

I can hear you. What's up?

Well, let me just cut
to the chase.

Do you know who Jay Warren is?

Jay Warren, the director?

Well, he's not just a director.

A producer, major producer.

He wants to meet with you.

He wants to meet with me?

Yes.
Why?

He heard what happened to you

out here five years ago and,

well, he's fascinated
and he wants to see your act.

Let me guess, this means
that I have to go out to la?

I know you have a bad
taste in your mouth

about last time

but if nothing else you get
to meet a big time producer.

I mean, are things really
going that great out there?

Yeah. No, I mean,
things are going good.

I've got, you know,
people coming out.

I had a whole bunch of people
coming out from Greensboro

just to see me so.

If you need a place to stay,

you could stay with me.

No, we don't... we wouldn't
have to do that.

I have this friend Jillian
who just moved out there

and she's been pressuring me
to go out and visit.

So, I could stay with her.

Mouth fuck is brought
to you by read to me.

Read to me is our sponsor,

and we love them,
and they will read to you

if you can't read,
or you don't feel like reading,

or you're too lazy
or too stupid.

Listen to a book

in your earholes, read to me.

- Sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.

I know you got to pay the bills.

So, how does the misconception

about being racist, uh, occur?

It had to do with...

Being racist?
Yeah.

No, I think
that people wanted me

to be racist because it's sold,

you know, advertising.

See, I came out to la
a few years ago

and it started out pretty good.

I even got a record deal.

But one day I was at a meeting,

and I asked this guy
at the label

where they got their bagels,
and the truth is

I didn't give a shit
where they got the bagels.

I was just trying to make
small talk but, anyway,

the guy started yelling
at people,

you know, power tripping.
Saying like,

"Henry Phillips needs
to know where the fucking

bagels are from," or whatever

and it made me look like
an asshole.

Anyway, eventually there
was an article in the paper

saying that I was a Neo-Nazi
or something.

Uh, you know, there was a lot
of stuff that happened

in between there but either way,

it ended up with me
getting wound out of town

but I'm back now to try it again

and I'm just hoping
it goes better.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Hey.

You look the exact same.

Thanks, you too.
Yeah.

Oh, it's so good to see you.
It's so good to see you.

Come on in.
Yeah.

This is Zoe.
Hi.

Zoe, this is Henry.

Yeah, nice to meet you too.

Yeah, finally.

I'm so glad you're here.
It's so good to see you.

It's funny I feel,
like I just...

No.
Oh.

- I'm sorry about that.
- Oh, no, it's fine.

Um, was that expensive?

Yeah, it's a glass tomato.

Of course, it is.
I can take your guitar for you.

Sorry, I have this new case,
it's bigger.

Be careful. Yeah.

All right.
Why don't you take a load off.

Go sit down and maybe take
Henry out to the patio...

Yeah. I'll show you the patio.
Okay.

Oh, that sounds amazing.

Again, I'm sorry about
that whatever that was.

Well, fost-adopt allows
for you to foster a child

or even a baby and then after
certain amount of time,

the judge decides if you
can keep a child or not.

Oh, wow. So, you could
actually have a child,

and become attached
to the child,

and then the judge
can just take it away

from you like that?

Yeah. They try
to reunite the kids

with the biological parents

as much as possible.

But what happens then?

I mean, that would
just be so painful

and then we'd have to
start completely over.

Boy, that would be really sad.

You seem like
a pretty upbeat guy.

Yeah... oh, you're joking.
I'm sorry.

I'm gonna perk up, I promise.

I've just been
on a long road trip here.

I was just telling him
about our adoption plans.

Oh, yeah, dude, sorry,

I should have warned
you that's pretty much

all we talk about
around here these days.

That's okay.
It sounds really promising

and exciting.

Yeah, it is exciting
and promising.

Um, but it also
can be very grueling

and at times, painful.

That's awesome.

It can be awesome at times.

Are you okay?

Well, I'm pretty sure

that's where I parked my car.

Is it not there anymore?

No, it's gone.

I parked it right
in front of that house.

Oh, man.
Did you lock it?

I mean, I should
have locked it, right?

You didn't lock it.

Suzuki Forenza 2006 and silver.

I ran your vin number
through the system

and nothing came up
and so I'm gonna

the designated vehicle
as stolen.

Well, that sucks.
So, what happens now?

Well, I mean, I can't make
any promises

but often times whoever
extracted the vehicle

just wanted to take it
on a joyride

and most likely
a group of juveniles.

It is possible that
the vehicle will reemerge

somewhere in the neighborhood

and you will be notified
when it's located.

Well, that would be great.
Is that normally what happens?

I mean, it's the best
case scenario.

I can't attest to what would
be designated as normal

in this particularly situation.

Well, I guess I meant
in your personal experience.

My personal experience,

if I tell you something then
you're gonna hold me to it

and so, I'd prefer not
to get into any predictions

or conjecture, okay?

Okay. Thanks.

That guy is a dick.
What did they say?

Well, he said he ran
the, uh, registration number

into the system
or something and, uh,

he said it's definitely stolen.

Oh, my god.

The good news is he seems
to think it's just some

teenagers out on a joyride.

Okay. I don't know
what joy

there would be in
driving your shit

basket car around town.

Well... shit,
I guess, I got to,

if it's okay,
get a ride to the place

tonight on sunset boulevard.

Is that...
Yeah, of course.

Yeah. I mean,
we could drop you off

on our way to the, uh, adoption

okay.
Not a problem.

You know what this means
is your cassette player

is gone for good.

Yeah. I don't know how
I'm gonna get over that one.

Tell me you didn't
have a tape in there.

Thank god I did not.

I had taken the tape out
and put it in the glove box.

So, we're good.
Good.

What's the story with Jillian?

Is she an ex?
No.

Jillian is a musician
and we used to play

in bands together years ago.

One of the things that's
so great about our friendship

is that she is always
been, sort of,

my last connection to...

My youthful days of music

which was a big part of my life.

As a matter of fact,
she's pretty responsible

for me going into comedy.

All right.
Mr. George Michael.

Party.

All right, guys.

Thank you so much.

Have a great set and, um,

don't forget to get
guitar-ded.

See you later.
Very nice to meet you Zoe.

I'll see you guys
in the morning.

Thanks again.

- Henry.
- Hey. How are you doing?

- It's been so long.
- Five years.

- Yeah. You look great.
- Thanks.

So, Jay Warren is inside.

You're going up third.

Everything is coming
together perfectly.

- Okay.
- So, come with me.

A joyride? What,
are they gonna return it?

I don't know.
Well meet the man himself.

Jay Warren, mega-TV producer.

Henry Phillips,

singer-songwriter, troubadour

extraordinaire, plays clubs

and coffee houses nationwide.

Great to meet you.
Yeah. Good to meet you.

How's la treating you so far?

- Uh, well.
- Would you believe

he just got his car stolen.

- Really?
- Yes.

That's hilarious.

- Yeah.
- So, Jay says he's working

on a new show idea
about the life

of a struggling performer.

Yeah. Yeah. It's, uh,

it's something I've been
thinking about for quite

a while now, and then I heard
about what happened to you,

and I thought, "wow, I mean,
this is an incredible story."

Yeah, I know, I've
had some pretty bad luck.

Yeah. I'll say.

I don't wanna interrupt but
I just wanna say hi to this guy.

Hey, Charlie.
How are you doing?

How are you doing, man?
This is Charlie.

He's a fellow comedian.

That's Ellen,
my manager and, uh...

- Hi.
- My pleasure.

This is Mr. Jay Warren.

Uh, I'm a big fan of your work.

Thank you. Thanks.

Uh, everyone, this is Erica.

Hey.
Nice to meet you.

Uh, I didn't interrupt
some type of industry

oh, no. Yes,

so Charlie is a fellow comedian.

He's very funny.
We've done the road together.

Good times. And remember
the, um, the assassinator?

Oh, he's the assassinator.

We were in Omaha

and there was this
champion UFC fighter

called the assassinator and, uh,

he got up to Henry and says,

"you have to wish my
girlfriend a happy birthday

from the stage
or I'll kick your ass."

Henry is on stage and
he just doesn't say it

and afterwards
the assassinator is pissed.

He's prowling around this club,

like, "I'm gonna kick
that guy's ass.

I'm gonna break
that guy's guitar.

I'm gonna crush
that clown's skull."

And I'm like, "oh, whoa,
I didn't even know the guy.

I don't know where he is."
And I really didn't know

where you were. It was hours
before anyone found him.

The janitor goes to the
utility closet to get his mop

and there's Henry,
lying on his side, crying.

He's shitting himself.
Just, oh...

The assassinator
is coming to get me.

The assassinator
is coming to get me.

I don't even, uh, remember that.

Are you sure that was me

because it's not
sounding familiar.

No, no, that was you.
All right, okay.

I'll see you after
the show and just

really to both of you.

Pleasure.
All right, man.

Hey, you watch out
for the assassinator.

I still don't even know
if that was me, really.

It's weird.

How long ago was that?

I'm not sure that it happened.

You must have a lot
of good story.

I don't think
that's one of them.

Billy...

You had to do it didn't you?

You finally had to do it Billy.

Just when ma was starting

to get up on her own
two feet, Billy.

You son of a bitch.

Why, why, why
did you have to do that?

And with Bob's 38,

what was that supposed
to be, huh?

Irony?

You selfish coward.

Why? Why, Billy,
why would you leave me

and ma like this?

You were always good
at ruining the party Billy.

Well...

Fuck you Billy, fuck you.

Fuck you Billy.

Fuck you.

Okay, wow.

That was some heavy stuff.

We're gonna change gears
a little bit here.

We have a singer-songwriter

who's gonna come out and sing

a little funny song
for you guys.

Everybody, let's give
a warm hearty welcome

to Henry Phillips.

Whoa.

Thanks everybody.

All right, um, well,

I'm gonna do a little song about

my current financial situation

and I hope you guys enjoy it.

You suck.

All right.

That's, uh,
one guys opinion, anyway,

they might be right.
I don't know.

It's over focal bird.

Nice sneakers you dipshit.

All right, you know what, um,

maybe this wasn't meant to be.

I, uh, I wanna say thanks

to everybody, especially
that guy in the back.

Come back when you grow
a set of balls man.

I hope you guys all enjoy
the rest of your night,

thank you.

There he is.

Oh, guys,

I am so sorry about that.

That was just awful.

It was perfect.

Well, that was just terrible.

That guy was being such a dick.

Hey, you know, it happens.
Yeah.

Listen, uh,
I got to run, I'm sorry,

but, uh, you should get
a call from my office

this week, okay?
I'm gonna set something up

in the network and we're gonna
tell your story Henry.

Okay.
I can't wait to get started.

That sounds good.
Hey, very nice to meet you.

- See you soon.
- Bye Jay.

He loved it.
Why?

Well, because...

He doesn't care
about a good set.

I mean, sure you but he's more

interested in you,
your story, your struggles.

You heard him, he's so excited.

I mean, let's just see what
he says about this meeting

with the network.
I can't believe it.

This is great.
Now look, I have to go too,

but let me introduce you
to stupid Joe before I go.

No, I'm good.
No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, Joe.
Hey. How are you?

I'm good.
I wanna introduce you

to Henry Phillips,
singer-songwriter,

troubadour extraordinaire,

and Jay Warren was just here

to check him out
for a new TV show.

Wow, impressive.
Nice to meet you.

Hey, I got to apologize
about that heckler guy.

What an asshole, you know.

I guess we all figured out
why he's brother

killed himself, right?

Oh, Joe.

Oh my god, I'm too old
for this comedy game.

It's a young man's game,
but you got to make money.

You know what I'm actually
thinking to do in getting

into making a little money?

Commercial jingles.
Oh, that's so smart.

And actually, I got one
I've been working on,

I'm gonna throw into the ring.
Tell me if you guys

think this is good, you know,
the Hollywood casino?

They have... their
slogan is satisfaction.

Tell me if you guys just
think this is a good jingle.

Oh, that'll work.
That's very catchy.

Yeah, pretty good, all right.

Anyways, I got to get going,

please come by here anytime,

work out your stuff, you know.

We got to get some come
back lines for you, like,

"hey, I don't come to your job

and knock a dick
out of your mouth."

Stuff like that, you know.

Show these assholes
who's in charge.

Well, I got to catch
the last bus on that note.

And how are you getting home?

Uh, I'm just gonna take a cab.

You're a bus and a cab,

what is this, uh, 1990?

Don't... you guys
don't have Uber?

Anyways, listen, I got to
start kicking people out.

Okay.
Nice to meet you.

Ellen always a pleasure.
Always.

You're beautiful.
Thank you.

Look, I have a card for EZ cab.

They're really good.
Okay, great. By the way,

you don't have to say
all my credits every time

you introduce me to somebody.

Oh, but if I don't,

no one would ever
wanna talk to you.

Yeah, I guess so.
That's a good point.

Hey, you still here?

Oh, hey, yeah.

I've been waiting
for a cab for, like,

an hour and a half.

Why don't you just
call them again,

tell them you're somebody else.

What does that do?

Well, then there'll
be two cars showing up,

it doubles your chances.

Yeah, maybe I'll try that.
Yeah.

Hey, and, uh, Henry, uh, anytime

you wanna come by the club,

the door is always open.

It's a $10 cover,
two drink minimum.

EZ cab.
Yeah, hey, uh,

I got to get a cab.

Yeah, what's your location?

I'm at, uh, stupid Joe's comedy

and music club on sunset.

Stupid Joe's, did you just
call... uh, is this Henry?

- No.
- Are you sure?

Because I just scheduled
a pick up

at stupid Joe's for a Henry.

What's your name?

Manny.
Danny?

Yeah, Danny.

And you're sure you're not part

of the Henry party at all?

I'm not sending two cabs
for no reason.

No, this is definitely Danny.

Yeah.

3835 Tracy street, please.

Do you mind, uh, if we take
silver lake boulevard?

You got it.

- Hello?
- Yeah, is this Danny,

or should I say Henry,

or should i... should
I just say dickhead?

You just had me send
two cabs for nothing.

Dude, I was standing there
for like an hour and a half,

and nobody was coming
to pick me up.

I mean, I'm sorry
to put you out,

but frankly
this isn't my problem.

Sorry to put me out,
how about you apologize

to my cab driver who just
had to hump his way

through the canyon
because you're over there

getting a laugh at
stupid Mike's comedy shithole.

You know, these guys have
to pay for their own gas.

Hello?

I was very reluctant
to go la because...

It's a little too, uh,

I don't know how you'd
say it, like, too...

Opportunistic.

I don't know.
I've always found that

if you just put
positive energy out there

then people will definitely
take advantage of you.

EZ cab.
Hi, yeah.

I'm pretty sure
I left my cell phone

in one of your cabs last night.

What was the, uh,
location of the pick up?

Uh, it was at stupid
Joe's comedy

and music club over on sunset.

Oh, stupid Joe's, let me guess,

you're the fucking genius
that called two cabs aren't you?

Yeah.

Uh, I guess, I, um...

I guess I really owe
you an apology about that.

I'm sorry, I, uh...

Oh, you're goddamn right

you owe me an apology.

Yeah, I was just,
uh, being selfish, um...

You were being a dick man.

Yeah, I think you're
right about that.

You know how much
aggravation and shit I get

from my driver's when
they have to drive

all the way
to the fucking valley?

Actually, you know what man,
I take it back.

I don't apologize.
I was standing there for,

like, a fucking hour

and nobody was picking me up.

I could've gotten mugged
or something.

I'm tired of hearing you
bitch about it

and everybody's telling me
this Uber thing

is a million times
better anyway,

so why don't you go
fuck yourself.

Today, 10:17 am.

Hey, sorry about last night,

I wind up banging
that Erica chick.

She is okay.
She's gonna be the last girl

in la who still
has a hairy crotch.

Come on, lady, shave that thing
down there, um, all right?

Shave the cooch.
I went down under though.

Um, what did I call about?

I just wanna say hi.
Let's hang out soon.

Bye.

Today, 10:18 am.

You hang up on me you
piece of shit coward.

You tell me to go fuck
myself to my face,

why don't you do that?
Come down here...

Hey.

You got home
all right last night?

Yeah. I, uh, just wound up
taking a taxi.

Cool, how did the gig go?

Well, let's see.
I got basically booed off

the stage but Jay Warren
loved it, so.

Well, I'm sorry,

but congratulations?

Yeah. Thank you.

Listen, um, my band clit fit

is performing
at this really cool

house party on Saturday night.

Would you wanna open?

It pays like 50 bucks.
Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah.
I would love to do that.

That's actually the first
time I've ever been offered

money to do a gig out here.

Yeah. And maybe
you can get booed off

of our stage and wind up

with a three-picture deal
with Paramount pictures.

That's... I wouldn't
be surprised.

I would, but for sure
it won't happen.

Anyway, uh, obviously,
I need to get a ride with you,

if that's all right?
Totally. That's perfect

because I've been wanting
you to see our stuff.

Yeah. And I'm looking
forward to it.

Um, are you missing something?

Yeah, have you seen my wallet?

I have not.

Did you by chance
leave it in the cab?

Uh,

hmm.

I bet you did.

Yeah, shit.

Oh, hey, it's, uh, Henry.

I'm the guy who left his wallet.

Oh, Henry Phillips.
Yes.

Yeah, my good buddy,
Henry Phillips.

You called two cabs on me,
screwed my driver,

cursed me out,
hang up in my face.

How many cabs did it take
you to get here today?

Jesus, I was, uh... I was
expecting more of a stoned

drunken dumb Bon Jovi.

Did you lose your hair
in one of my cabs as well?

Yeah.
Old two cab Henry.

It's an old picture, so, uh...

I guess, that's you.
I think the last time

we talked you were telling me
I should go fuck myself.

You told me to go fuck myself

and then you rubbed
Uber on my face.

The company
that's single-handedly

destroying my fucking industry?

Let me ask you a question, Hank.

Do you think your good
friends over at Uber

would've returned your wallet?

Do you think those scumbag

pirating unlicensed criminals

would have returned
your fucking wallet?

Why don't you take your last
six dollars in this wallet

and, uh, take an Uber cab,

and I hope you get fucking
chlamydia from it.

Oh, and go fuck yourself.

Do you mind if I join you here?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, thank you.

Hmm, the chicken's really good.

I wouldn't know,
I got the eggplant.

Oh, are you a lesbian?

I mean a vegetarian?
I'm sorry, god.

That was awful.
That's okay.

Um, yes, I am and yes, I am.

Oh, okay.
Yeah.

God, stupid.
Hey, you guys.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Have you met each
other yet? Henry...

Not officially.
Sascha.

Hey, how you doing?
Nice to meet you.

Sascha plays bass
in our band and, uh

Henry is my old friend
from like 20 years ago.

He's opening for us tonight.

Oh, yeah, I heard
a lot about you.

Yeah, it'll be cool.
I'm looking forward

to seeing you guys play,
the clit fit.

Uh, Jillian says you tour
all around the country.

Uh-hmm.
Shit room to shit room.

Hold on.

Perfect timing,
whoever that was.

I'm sorry, I'll be right back.

Hey, Ellen, how's it going?

Henry, I just got a
call from Jay.

You won't believe this.

We have a meeting
Monday afternoon

with the now channel.

That's amazing.
That's fantastic.

See, I told you this was
gonna be exciting.

Where are you?
I'm at a party

with my friend Jillian,
and actually her band

is gonna play,
and I'm gonna open for them.

Oh, well, go knock them dead.

What was the first comedy
song you ever wrote?

Well, years ago,

uh, my friend Jillian,
she was going through

a break up or something and I
was trying to cheer her up,

so I just, like,
pulled out the guitar

and I started singing headlines

right out of the newspaper,

and she was laughing
at it, and, uh,

she was, like, you know,
"maybe you should go around the,

like, open mic nights
and do that."

Can we hear it,
your first comedy song?

I have a guitar behind you,
if you don't mind.

- Yeah.
- Yay.

I wanna hear the song
that cheered up Jillian.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I was just, like, uh,

playing these chords
and trying to cheer her up,

and I was, like,

and then I grabbed the newspaper
and it was, like,

in Spanish.

It's real Spanish.

Thanks, everybody.

Thank you so much. Thanks.

That's amazing.

Hi.

You guys, uh, hi.

Okay.

This is the modern day Sisyphus.

A road weary entertainer,

pushing the Boulder of hope

up the rocky mountain
of desperation.

Only to have it roll back down
on him time after time,

after time, but we like him.

We're on his side.

We want him to succeed

because we identify with him.

He's, like, a real life
Charlie brown.

Only instead of snoopy
and Linus,

his friends are failure
and despair.

So, he's a blockhead?

Yeah, sure yeah,
he's a blockhead.

Yeah.
I see you.

Yeah.
And we're rooting for him.

- Oh, yeah, absolutely.
- Because he sacrificed

the good life
to do what the rest of us

could only dream of.

Yeah, he has no friends,

no money, no love life,

not even the respect
of his peers.

But we care about him

simply because he's doing it.

Sisyphus meets Charlie brown?

- I like it.
- I like it, too.

I do, I like it.
I mean, if a normal person

had that life,
they would do something

- to change it, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or just

you know,
but this guy just keeps,

kind of, going on,
and on, and on,

- and god knows why, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah.
He's like a loser's loser.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

- Or a loser's hero.
- Yeah.

Or a loser who could make
a loser feel like a hero.

Guys, I'm right here.

Right?
"Guys, I'm right here."

Sincerely, I have not been
this excited

about an idea
in a very long time.

You're excited?
I'm excited.

I like it.
Jay, it is so good

to see you again.
Thanks, Carl.

Thanks for that.
Thanks for bringing this to us.

Yeah, you bet.
Henry, nice to meet you.

Mara, I need you
to wrap this up.

- Okay.
- Okay. Put a bow on it.

- I will do that.
- Great.

Okay.
Well, where do we start?

Well, we'll do a pilot, right?

And I'll direct it.
I guarantee you it will be...

You know, my suggestion

is we get Henry's materials

over to the new
media department,

because we wanna
create a lot of buzz.

Right now,
our most successful show,

an idiot dad, that's based

on a 15-year-old
kid's video blog.

This kid managed
to get a million

friendlings to his chumpster,

just by social media
alone, what?

So, when the chumpsterverse
found out

that we were doing a TV show,

well, they went nuts.
And those friendlings

they turned
into Nielsen ratings...

Wait, I'm sorry.
Uh, chumpsterverse?

Is that a TV station?

Okay. That's an online community

that the younger demographic
is going to,

to get their entertainment
right now.

Yeah, these guys are real
wizards at this.

They were the real geniuses
behind getting idiot dad

to be an idiot dad.

Uh, I'm sorry,
what does that do?

Uh, when you make it
"an idiot dad?"

Oh, I'm sorry, Henry,

it's called Alpha stacking.

So, if you have a title
that starts with a for example,

like, an idiot dad,
then all of a sudden

now it really optimizes
the search engines

- and the VOD placement.
- Okay.

- Right. Yeah, good.
- Alpha stacking.

So, uh, what do you want
from us?

Well, I think if we can get
one of Henry's little,

um, silly songs
over to Matt and Zack,

and they could put it up
on chumpster.

Uh-hmm.

I don't know,
let's see how it does.

Right? Can't hurt.
And everything these guys touch

really does go viral.
Did you guys happen to catch

what they did
with the American skin...

Oh, I love that one.
Promo campaign could... yeah.

It's where the Hollywood
masseur has sex

with all of his customers.

Yeah, tattoo artist, yeah.

And these guys
are just really amazing.

And, you know,
if we could get a song

actually it's got some
good keywords in it,

that would really help
with trafficking,

you know, something,
like, cocks, balls

- and tits, farts, uh...
- Oh.

Clits.
Maybe and balls and tits, right?

You know, uncle stupid Joe,

and we could set up
a taping there.

I mean, if he knows
it's for now channel...

Well, that's a good place
to shoot, good sound,

good lighting, yeah,
and we could knock it out.

Okay. Terrific.

Great. Excellent.
Terrific.

Thanks, Mara.

- Great meeting you.
- Pleasure.

Oh. Nice to see you.
Thank you.

Well, welcome to la.

Yeah.

Did you park in the garage?

Actually, um...
His car got stolen.

Oh, no, when?

It was literally
like a half hour

after I got to la.

Cops are trying to find it.

Well, yeah, that'll happen.

Sucks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That should be
the first episode.

So, here I am, a young guy,

basically fresh
off the bus, right?

Here in la.
No clue.

Wet behind the ears.

Uh-hmm.
But I know one thing.

I know what I want.

Unfortunately,
I got a distant cousin

who manages to set me up
a meeting with the guy,

a producer who's pretty high
up the ladder at MGM.

Okay.
So, we're having lunch

and it's going fine,
you know, small talk.

And then I don't know
where I got the nerve

to do this, but, uh,

right in the middle of lunch

I just dropped my fork,

I looked the guy in the eyes
and I go,

"I want in."

And he's looking at me, like,

"what in? In what?"
You know.

And I go, "you know
what I'm talking about,

in the business.

And I know you're a guy
who can get me there."

I said, "hey, I might be nobody,

but a few years from now?
I'm gonna be somebody

to be reckoned with in this town

and if you don't
help me out now,

I might not be
all that easy to deal with

when our paths cross again."
That was it.

I was in.

Wow, that's how you do it.

Yeah.
Yeah, I'll say, yeah.

I mean, people can sense
when you're determined,

you know.
And they don't wanna get

in the way of that.
Yeah, I wish I had a little bit

more of that in me.

You see this before?

The celebrity tombstones?

Merv Griffin,

"I will not be right back
after this message."

- All right, that's good.
- That's good.

My absolute favorite
is Rodney Dangerfield,

he knew his plaque
was next to Dean Martin

and, uh, Marilyn Monroe.

So, the epitaph,
there goes the neighborhood.

- Oh, yeah, it's very...
- I love Rodney.

Who's Arnie "rimshot" Roberts?

You see,
he was another comedian.

People don't really talk
about him here anymore.

Always a gentleman,
but never a gentleman.

I think I know
why nobody talks about him.

No, there was a story
behind that.

Apparently,
what Arnie really meant was,

always a gentleman,
but never a gentle man.

Oh, okay.
Okay?

And then, after he died,

some moron assistant
just typed it up wrong

and sent it off
to the mortuary like that.

Wait, so, this guy's
got a typo on his tombstone?

Because this idiot assistant
didn't get the joke?

Yeah, pretty much.

Well, that bums me out.

- Depressing.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, uh, stupid.

Hey, look at this,
the big TV star, get in here.

Oh, yeah.
Heard about the network deal.

Congratulations to you, sir.

- Thanks.
- Hey, uh, ask them

if they need a theme song.

Actually, you know what?
I got a new one.

I think it's gonna be a big hit.

Tell me what you think of this.
Uh-hmm.

Okay. So, it's like... yeah, yeah.
A Christian song?

Christian, Christian song, yeah.

Oh, are you Christian or?
No, no, here's the deal.

I love religions of all type.
Yeah, yeah.

As long they're good people,
you know.

Oh, sure.
But the deal is,

nobody's music anymore.

Except for Christian rock.
Christians.

Exactly.
So, I'm thinking, hell,

I can probably write the shit
out of a Christian song.

Why not throw my hat
into the ring, right?

- Sure.
- Anyways, congratulations

on your success.
Oh, thanks.

Well, it's still
just a development deal.

Just a development?
What is wrong with you?

You just sold a show
to the now channel.

Why don't you live a little?
Hey, can I help you?

Yeah. Hi, I'm Dave.
I'm from the now channel

- to check...
- Oh, yeah, you're here

to tape this guy, right?
Yeah.

Oh, good.
Well, just go talk to Lance,

he'll take care of everything.

Okay, great.
Because I just wanna ask him

about lighting
and then some sound issues

and, uh, my penis is in my anus.

There you go.

Big fan.

I appreciate it.
Penis in my anus.

Thank you very much.
Wow, that's an oldie.

Well, I used to intern
at x company record, so.

Hey, Fabian man, I love him.

And I ran to him
at a coffee shop

the other day.
Uh-hmm.

I asked him
how things are going.

He asked me if I needed
room for cream.

Fucking rich.
All right, Dave.

Go take yours.
Nice meeting you,

I appreciate you, good luck.
Likewise.

All right. Bye.
Dickies, let's go-es.

I think your persona
definitely matches

the jokes that you do.

And I've seen a lot of comics,

that try to avoid that.
And I don't know,

I think
what you're doing's great.

Really?
That's so good to hear.

Because a lot of my friends
and family

think that I'm not fat enough

to tell fat jokes about myself.

Oh, I think you are.

- I mean, uh...
- Hey, like, hey,

there you are.
Oh, gosh.

Come, come with me.

I invited some people
from my tennis club

and they're right over here.
Let me introduce you.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hello.

This is Henry,
and this is frank.

Hi, frank.
Uh, Phil.

Oh, Phil.
I'm sorry.

You're frank.
No.

Mark?
I'm Jim, this is my wife, Mary.

Uh, I'm sorry.
Who are you?

Oh, I'm Ellen.

And this was Henry, you know,

singer or songwriter.

Troubadour extraordinaire.

And let me make sure
I get this right.

He's a singer, songwriter,
troubadour extraordinaire

who plays clubs
and coffee houses nationwide.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give it up

for Henry Phillips.

Hey, thanks, everybody.

This is just a song

that I wrote
and I hope you enjoy it.

Hey, Henry,
so I just spoke to Jay.

And he said Mara
at the now channel

really liked the video

and they're ready
to make an offer.

Oh, that's awesome.
Did they say anything

about when we were
gonna get paid?

Well, Jay said
it might take a little while,

but I could get you
some regional gigs

to sign you over
if you're up for it.

How about next Thursday
at the nugget hotel in Nevada?

I had a client in there earlier,
but he pulled out,

so this would be perfect.

And that pays 500 bucks.

And then, if you go up there
the night before,

uh, there's a place called
the folk house in Ukiah.

And they $250 and both of these,

of course, include hotel.

I guess, I should
probably write this down.

Oh, nonsense, Henry.

I'll send you an email.

Come on,
this is the 20th century.

Oh, and here's the best news.
You could take the greyhound bus

for the whole trip
and it won't cost you

more than a hundred bucks.

So, should I lock it in
for next weekend?

Yeah, let's do it.

Hey. Good morning.

- Oh, hey, guys, how's it going?
- Good.

Just making some gourmet coffee
that I bought.

Ooh, congrats.
Yeah.

Hey, um, do you have a minute?

Yeah. Is everything okay or?

Yeah, we just wanna talk to you.

Nothing bad.
Okay. Yeah.

Okay.

What's happening?
Well, um,

our, uh, adoption plans

are starting to look
kind of iffy

and we... we're, kind of,
getting cold feet

about the fost-adopt process.
Yeah.

- Sorry to hear that.
- Yeah, thanks.

And so, Zoe and I

were thinking about...

Well, we're wondering

if you would father our child.

Yeah, I mean,
if you think about it, Henry,

it makes perfect sense.

I mean, you and I are...

No.
I know what you guys

have been going through
and how hard it's gonna be

and, you know,
I would do anything for you.

Thanks.
But, um,

I mean, that's a pretty heavy
thing to think about.

Like, would i...
Would I be involved

in the child's life?
Oh, god, no.

We wouldn't let you
near the child.

Oh, yeah.

Um, I, uh...

And then, how does that work?

Like, is it, like,

- a in vitro or...
- No, no.

Actually, that's
a very expensive procedure

and it's not always successful.

Uh-hmm.
So, what we were hoping for

was that we could do it
the old-fashioned way.

You know, wearing bonnets.

I'm sorry.
Old-fashioned

and that would mean,

unfortunately, you'd have
to have sex with Zoe,

so my apologies ahead of time.

You know, we're both okay

with the idea of you
guys having sex

and, um, we just really
wanna make sure

you're comfortable

and that you know

that there is zero obligation
on your part.

And that we're more than happy

to have a contract with you,

or just...
Well, that's not the issue.

I mean, um,

I guess, it's just...
It's pretty heavy.

- So, I'm trying to kind of...
- Yeah.

And honestly, we don't
need an answer right now.

You can think about it.
If you have any questions,

there's no rush.

Yeah, I mean, you know,

finish your coffee
and then give us an answer.

Might need more time than that,
but how about this,

I promise that I will give it
a lot of thought,

and I'll consider it,
and I'll ask if I have any

- other questions about it.
- Thanks.

- And, um...
- Great.

We'll, then
it's out there and...

Uh-hmm.
Yeah.

- Let's move on, shall we?
- Okay.

His name was Arnie
"rimshot" Roberts.

So, anyway, he wanted it to say,

"never a gentle man."

So, this poor guy's got a typo
on his tombstone

for all of eternity
because, uh...

Hey, how's it going?

Hi. Good.

Oh. Somebody smells good.

Who is it?
Come here.

All right, next round on me.
Drinks for everyone.

- So, Henry.
- Yeah.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I don't.

I did for a couple of years.
But it's hard, you know,

with all the road work
and everything.

- I don't know how you do it.
- Dude, you know what?

There's this girl
in my acting class called Hanna.

You would love her,
I should introduce you.

Sure.

- How about I do it right now?
- No.

No, no, I'm gonna ask her
to come down.

I'm not even dressed up.
Yeah, you look right.

What are you worried about?
Come on.

I'm wearing a Jersey.
Okay. I... it's ringing.

It doesn't matter.
Come on.

Hi, Hanna.

What are you up to tonight?

Great. Well, why don't you come

down at stupid Joe's
and meet my friend?

Uh, I would say he's in his 40s,

40-ish.

Uh, blonde type hair.

Uh, comedian.

- But he does music.
- And he also does music

as well. He's...

Well, half comedian,
half musician.

So, he does both.

Oh.

Okay. All right then.

Well, feel better.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Yeah.
She's not feeling good.

Let's not do that again.

Guys, I'm gonna go to the, um,

just go to the bar.
Yeah.

Come on, man.

Hey, can I, uh, get one more?

Yeah.

Thanks.
For you.

Thank you.

So, are you from la
originally or?

No, I'm from Iowa actually.

Oh, what part of Iowa?

It's a small town.

You've never heard of it.

Try me.

Okay. Burlington.

Burlington. Yeah.
Right by the river there,

south of Bettendorf
and all of that.

Yeah.
Yeah, sure.

Have you heard of chopper's
billiards there?

Yeah. I worked there
in high school.

Oh, weird.

Wow. How do you
know Burlington?

I travel for a living.

Okay.

So, are you single or, uh...

I am. Yeah, uh,
just recently actually.

- Just recently? Okay.
- Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.

Seeing this guy and I just...
I had to break things off.

Oh, why is that?

He traveled for a living.

Oh.

You know, we're closing
in like 10 minute, so...

Okay.
If you could just finish up.

Thank you.
No problem.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jillian.

Um, I wanted to call
and say that, uh,

I was thinking
about what you guys

were saying earlier.

And, um,

I've always wanted
to be there for you,

and I know
what you're going through,

and I just have
thought about it,

and I wanted to say that, um,

I'll do it.

Uh, I'll have sex with Zoe.

I mean, tonight.

Owls can rotate
their heads and necks

as much as 270 degrees.

So, I just wanna be
a hundred percent certain

that you guys
are totally fine with this.

Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

And she's fine with it?
Yup, yeah.

Okay.
That's fine, it's fine.

All right.

Okay?
Okay.

Okay. Great.
Yeah, let's...

Let's have sex.

Yeah.

Here. Um, oh, yeah.

Let me.

Okay.

Um...

This.
Yeah.

Okay.

All right.
Okay.

Is this fine? Okay.
Yeah, yeah.

And do you want me
to do anything or.

Uh, just... it's fine.
Whatever.

Okay.

And thanks again.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

Unite in a very large
anastomosis or junction.

Okay.
I think it's.

Yeah? Okay.
Yeah.

I think it's ready.

Great.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Oh, no.
- Are you okay?

Shit.

I'm sorry.
I, um,

I might have fucked up.

What just happened?

I, uh...

What?
Um, I pulled out.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I think it was, like,

an instinctive thing.
Oh, my god.

I'm sorry.
Unbelievable.

What's going on in here?

Um, it's just, uh.

He pulled out.

What does that even mean?

He pulled it out.

Well, can't you
just put it back in?

I... uh, it's too late.

Too late for what?

Are we on a time crunch
or something?

- We basically just had sex.
- So awful.

Like it was a complete waste.

Jerk.
I'm so sorry.

I just... maybe I'm just used
to doing that or something.

I guess, I just wasn't thinking,

um, but I mean,

I could try it again
like in the morning.

No, we're not trying this
again in the morning.

Well.

Gross.

You're listening
to Sharon Levine

and you're listening
to mouth fuck

and I am here with comedian,
Henry Phillips.

Henry, you are, um,

in this area why?

Why are you up?

I'm doing a little bit
of a tour,

a mini tour if you will.

As a matter of fact,
actually tomorrow,

I'm gonna be in northern Nevada

at a place called the nugget.

It's in, uh, Carson city.

Check out
Henry Phillips tomorrow

at the golden nugget
and I love...

No, it's, uh, just the nugget.

I guess,
it's like the golden nugget,

but without all the glitz.

It's a place called the nugget
that's not a part

yeah.
Of the golden nugget?

I don't think
it's even remotely related.

I think it's just this place.

I don't know.
My manager set it up

and she is my manager
extraordinaire.

It's pretty typical of a lot
of the gigs that I do.

Like, uh, instead
of the Madison square garden,

I play at a place
called the square garden.

Hi. I'm performing tonight.

Um, do the performers
get a discount

on drinks by any chance?

Hey, Jack.
It's another comedian

trying to mooch free drinks.

Well, no, I was, uh...
No free drinks, buddy.

But you can get a discount.

That's all right.

Well, I'll take
a Heineken then... thanks.

Got it.
Also, who do I talk to

about sound check?

Go talk to ed right over there.

Hey, how's it going, ed?
Yes, sir.

Yeah, I just need
to plug in a guitar.

No. We don't have
a guitar here.

Oh, no.
I've got my own guitar.

I just need a place
where I can plug it in.

Do you have, like,
a quarter inch input on

the stage somewhere or, uh...

No. No, we're not
set up that way.

Well, what do people do
when they need to plug in

their instruments
when they're doing music here?

The musicians come
with their own equipment.

You're a stand-up
comedian though, right?

Yeah.
Just do it

without the guitar then.

I can't do it
without the guitar.

I sing songs
and I play the guitar.

That's my whole act.
And you're coming to me

two hours before the show

with technical issues?

I could get another mic,
but I've only got one

long cord and the console

is way up there and, I mean,

we only have two hours.

Well, we got to figure
something out, man.

All right.

Look, you fucked up.

Um, I think
I got an idea though.

Here, come here.

All right.

Here's what I'm gonna have you
go ahead and do.

You find the end of that cable.

I will find the end
of this cable.

If I hook them together,

we will end up with one cable

that is long enough

to reach the...

Console.

Dammit.

Hey, you guys
having a good time tonight?

Sorry. We have a little bit
of a technical issue.

That's why I have to kind of...

Anyway, this is a song
for my dog

and, uh, I hope you enjoy it.

And this is gonna be
your part, guys.

You're gonna go...

Let's try that.
Three, four...

It's creepy as he'll,
but I like it.

Three, four.

I'm good, man. Thanks.

Take it, man.

I'll save it for later.

Okay.
You guys giving me a...

Well, you're crazy.

Oh, this is... ah.

Is this lit?

God, it's...

Hello. How may I help you?
Hi, there.

Uh, it's Henry Phillips.

Okay.

Um, okay.

I'm not finding
that reservation.

Of course, you're not.

Um, let's see, you're sure...
It's two ls?

Yeah.
Okay.

Let's check again.

I'm the entertainment tonight
at the fantasy lounge,

so maybe they put it
under fantasy lounge?

Okay.

Um, yeah, well,

we do have a room that's under

the fantasy lounge, but, um,

it's under someone named
funny guitar boy.

Okay. Yeah.

I'll take a wild stab at it

and say they're talking
about me.

So, I'm sorry.
I have to perform at 8:00,

and I need to take a nap,

and shower, and stuff,
so if you don't mind,

I'd like to get checked in.

Okay. Okay.
So, you're funny guitar boy.

Usually, you need
to have your full...

I know.
Name, but that's okay.

So, how many hits on that video?

Just over 11,000 views.

Wow. That's great.

Well, actually, we were hoping
for it to do a little better.

We tried everything.
We growled it out

to our hundred
thousand friendlings.

We had it featured
on the front page of chumpster

and the appreciate
to connect to share ratio

is nowhere near what we had
for even the outtakes

on an idiot dad.

Yeah, but aren't people buying

their friendlings
on chumpster nowadays?

Oh, yeah.

We've already accounted
for that.

Yeah, listen.

Here are your friendlings here.

Now, for every hundred of these,

30 are verified.
That's good.

Now 28, ironic, that's not good.

Forty are us.

That looks good,
that's not good.

Well, why don't we have
a big show

and invite these people?

Well, unfortunately, Ellen,

these are not actual
human beings,

you know,
who will like go places.

They're just computer clicks.

Hi.
Hi.

I should have a reservation.

Okay.
What's the name?

Funny guitar boy.

So, what'd they say?

Well, it didn't go
as well as I'd hoped.

I mean, it's all
about Internet numbers.

You had 11,000 people
watching your song,

but that wasn't enough for Mara
and her whiz kids.

Yeah, I kind of figured as much.

I mean, 11,000 people, Henry.

I mean,
you could fill a stadium.

Yeah. But it's all relative,
I mean,

- they need a viral hit.
- Exactly.

That's all they talked about,
friendlings,

and connect to favorites,

and buddies, and pals.
I mean,

Jay had to translate
the whole thing for me.

Hold on.
I'm gonna have to call you back.

There's somebody at my door.

Yeah.

Um, we have a problem.

This gentleman
is supposed to be in this room

and we don't have
a reservation for you,

so I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

Who is this?

I'm funny guitar boy.

Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much.

You guys have been amazing.
Please follow me on Twitter

and vine and friendling me
on chumster.

Also, I have bumper stickers
out back that say,

"my penis."
Now, I wanna introduce

my new friend.

Feels like an old friend,
Mr. Henry Phillips.

- Thanks.
- It's all right, man.

Hey, thanks, everybody.

And give it up again
for funny guitar boy.

He was hilarious.

And a nice guy, too.
He's letting me crash

to his hotel room tonight

because apparently
my manager smokes crack.

Oh, I'm supposed
to tell you guys this

from the management
here at the fantasy lounge,

this is not actually a show.

Um, it's just that
everybody has died

and gone to hell.

Sorry about that.

But anyway, this is a song
about growing up.

And I hope you enjoy it.

Hey, man, I'm really excited

that we get to do
the show together.

I, uh,

I'm a big fan back in college.

My buddy, he burned
your Cd for me

and it was inspiring for me.

Thanks, man.
Yeah, I think

they're gonna
have you back here.

You had a really good set.

Well, you know,

I mean, this isn't,

you know, really what
I wanna be doing

exactly, you know?

What do you wanna be doing?

Michael, by the time I'm 30,

I wanna be headlining
a clubs only.

You know what I mean?
Big cities.

New York, Chicago,
San Francisco, Orlando.

By the time I'm 35,

hell, man, I'll be doing
theaters, TV show.

Well, it sounds like
you got it all mapped out.

Oh, I tell
you, you got to do it.

In this business, oh my god,

set goals, achieve the goals.

So many people just drift.

They just

drift off into nothing.

I'll tell you one thing,
I don't wanna be in my 40s

paying shitty rooms like this
for a hundred bucks a night.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Gray.

Haven.

Gray.

Haven.

Gray.

Front desk, this is Danielle.

Yeah, um,

there's somebody
making all kinds of racket

in the hallway right now.

- Haven.
- Oh, I'm sorry

about that, sir.

Um, what are they doing?

Uh, just like, uh,

just yelling, and screaming,

and banging
on the walls and shit.

What are they yelling?

Um,

gray haven

or something.
What?

Uh, sounds like
they're saying gray haven.

She's saying, uh...

Could spell that?

H-I... h-a-v... I don't know.

Who cares how
you spell it? Can you...

Is there a way you can make them

stop doing it?
Yeah. Oh, you know what,

could you hold on one second?

I'm so sorry.

- Front desk, this is Danielle.
- Yeah, it's still me.

I'm so sorry.
Hold on one second.

Front desk, this is Danielle.

Still me.

Haven.

Lady, shut the fuck up.

You know what,
I can send somebody up there

and see if they can do...
Uh, you know what,

actually, I think
it's been taken care of.

Well, I'm very sorry

for the inconvenience.

Thanks, man.

Matt, Matt.

Come here, look at this.

Awesome.

Oh, you're crazy.

Uh, uh, got it.

This is lit.

Oh, shit.

Hey.
Hey, how's it going?

Can I get a cup of coffee

to go, please?

Right on.

Hey, uh,

you have a video
on the Internet right now.

I actually do, yeah.

- I knew that was you.
- Really?

Oh, it was so funny.

- You've seen it?
- Yeah, I've seen it

- over and over.
- Uh, I've seen

your video, too.

I showed it to everybody.

Well, that's great.
Well, what do I owe you

for the, uh...
Oh, um, have it.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Uh,

be careful with that.

I was, uh, talking about how...

You were talking about
the beauty of what you do.

Yeah, yeah,
and just how amazing it is

that I can make so many people

so happy, you know?

It's just...
But it's true.

Ow.

Front desk.

Hello. Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm having a problem
with flies in my room.

You have what problem?

Like, flies.

There's a whole
infestation of them.

They're buzzing around and shit.

Flies, flies in room?

Yeah. Can we do something?

What room number?

- 125.
- I send someone.

He take care of it.
Thank you.

Today, 10:02 am.

Henry, I have
your check from the network.

They took out a lot
of taxes, but still.

Anyway, come by my place anytime

and bring your checkbook.

I want my cut in this.

Today, 10:26 am.

Good morning, Mr. Phillips,

detective Delgado here.

Well, good news,
we found your 2006 Forenza.

It was not stolen.

It looks like the vehicle

was actually towed

for obstructing a driveway.

It's gonna be a hundred
and seven dollars

for the towing,
plus an additional

one hundred dollars
for each day in storage.

Have a nice day.
Congratulations.

Message saved.

This is Delgado.

Yeah. It's Henry Phillips
calling about my car.

Yes, Mr. Phillips,

2006 Forenza.

You can pick up your vehicle

at 2309 west temple.

Okay. Well, but what
I was thinking is, like,

I shouldn't have to pay
the $2,000 fee if, uh,

it's technically
not my fault, right?

It's not your fault
you obstructed

- someone else's driveway?
- Well,

no, I'm not denying that part.
I'll take your word for it.

But that's beside the point.

Uh-huh.

Nobody ever told me

that my car was stolen.

Hold on a second.
What is this shit?

Yeah. Thanks.

You know what I mean?
It's, like,

if somebody had told me

that my car was impounded,

then I would have picked
it up that day, you know?

Okay.

I mean, you can fight it

with the adjudicator.

But I wouldn't recommend it

considering that every day

that your car is in storage,

you're gonna be
incurring higher fees.

All right. Well, I think I have
a pretty strong case here, so,

can we set up,
uh, an adjudicator meeting?

Yes, sir, I will set up

your adjudicator meeting.

Thank you.

All right.

Oh, yeah, let me, uh,
I can cut you a check.

Yeah. Well, come
into my office.

Here, would like some coffee?

Yeah, that'd be great.

How do you take your coffee?

Uh, just black.
Oh, that's easy.

So, isn't this exciting, Henry?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna let
the machine get it.

Hi, this is Ellen

from Ellen Pinsky management.

I'll get back to you asap.

Hey, Ellen, it's Jay Warren.

Um, you know...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, um, hi, Jay.

Oh. Oh, you're there.

- Yeah, I'm here.
- Great.

In fact, I'm screening my calls,

but I'm actually here
with Henry right now

and I just gave him his check.

Uh, yeah, that's great.

Listen, are you guys
able to make it

to now channel
today at 2:00 P.M.

Which I know is short notice,

but they wanna see us
right away.

Uh, sure. Is it something good?

Let's just say
I've never heard of a network

calling an emergency
meeting like this

to tell somebody no.

You know what I'm saying?

Hold up.
Hold up. Hold the door.

Okay. Okay.
Got it.

Oh, thanks.
Oh, hey.

Oh, hey.

Oh, hey. Hi.

Have you heard the good news?

No. Clue us in.

Uh, well, your video went viral.

Oh, you're kidding.

Wow.

Those whiz kids
really came through, huh?

I'll tell you what,
I'll save it for later.

- Awesome.
- Yeah.

Crazy.

What?

- Oh.
- This is lit.

Wait, so this is
the video you guys

- are talking about?
- It... it's got

the three steps of virality.

Step one, the join.

Get your hand on the mouse.

Step two, the fuck up,

moves the mouse over
to the share button.

Step three, the epic
face-plant, fires the click.

It's a fucking masterpiece.

Guys, this is really good.

We're ready to take this
to the next level.

We have one little tweak.
Mara, why don't you

tell them about it?
All right. So what

we're gonna do
is we're gonna take

the day's hottest viral videos

and then we're going to have

famous actors reenact them,

but who better to introduce them

than Mr. epic fail himself,

Henry Phillips?

So Henry, you would come out

and you do like a little bit
and maybe a stunt

where you trip and fall over.
Wait, wait, uh, hold on.

So, I'm the host of this show

doing my songs and having...

Dude, fuck your songs.

This is what people
wanna see you doing.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, like no offense,

but when we uploaded your song,

the response was garbage,

like it was like
trying to give away

an old mattress or something.

Uh, we love your songs

and we think they're so silly,

but I think
that we can all agree

that they're not testing
very well

in the viral universe.
So, we just really wanted

to take advantage of this
really remarkable opportunity.

People are doing
parodies of your video.

Look, that's the thing though,

it's not my video.

Not...
- no, this is your video,

this is your face.

People are recognizing you.

They're talking about you.
Yeah.

Well, they aren't
talking about me.

Here's a guy

who calls me a douche canoe.

I don't even know
what that means.

All right, here's a good one.

I'm a shit-eating
twat waffle.

I do know what that means

and it's not flattering.

You got to get over it, man.

Negative comments
are how you know

- you're a somebody.
- If everyone

was being nice, that means

they don't see you as a threat.

- This is a compliment.
- Oh, yeah,

it's a compliment. Okay, well,

I'm gonna compliment you, guys,

and say that you're
a couple of, uh,

ass-gobbling cunt balloons.

Nothing's set in stone, okay?

I mean, this is just
spitballing here.

Henry, how about this?

We're gonna get you some water,

we'll get you some coffee,

I'm just sensing you're maybe

getting a little upset.
I'm extremely upset.

As a matter of fact,
I don't wanna have anything

to do with any of this shit.

Well, I think
he feels like he, kind of,

got blindsided,
you know? And it's,

uh, it's an adjustment.
We'll work it up.

Ellen, we'll talk to him

and we'll be good.

Fuck your songs?
You kidding me?

I know this is not
what you originally envisioned,

what any of us
originally envisioned,

but this is just the way things

shake out sometimes.
I mean, this is...

This is an opportunity,
this is serendipity.

Well I mean, the thing is,

my songs are my life, you know.

- That's what I enjoy doing.
- I know.

I get that, I do,
and I love them,

but here's what I think
you're missing.

If this show was a hit,

you can write
all the songs you want.

I mean, you're gonna be famous.

That's what you want, right?

I never said that.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Henry, I just saw
that viral video of yours.

Is that, uh, what the TV show
is all about?

Well, it's not what
it was supposed to be about,

but apparently it is.

Well, it was funny as hell

and you got tons
of views. Congrats.

Yeah, but it's
unintentionally funny.

Unintentional?
The... what does that...

Do you know... you know
who Arnie Roberts is?

- There you go. Rimshot.
- Oh, yeah, tombstone guy.

Arnie "rimshot" Roberts.

You know what he used to say?

It doesn't matter
why they're laughing

as long as they're laughing.

Have a good stay.

Well, listen, why don't we shoot

for a compromise, like,

let's say they have you sing
one of your songs

and then on the way out,
you slip on some paint

or something?
Oh, I don't know.

I'm just spitballing
out of my ass.

- Hey, buddy.
- Oh, hey.

Your hair is on fire.

See? Like this is
the kind of shit

I
Jay: Yeah, that was ridiculous.

But do you really have
a choice now at this point?

Well, what do you mean?

Well, I mean, we signed on

to develop this thing, you know.

If you just walk away now,
you're pissing off

some pretty important people.

- This is big business here.
- Henry,

you got to think about this.

All right. Well, look,
I got to go on now,

but, uh, let's talk
about this another time.

Okay, well, knock them dead

and don't worry, Henry,

I got your back.
All right.

Well, thanks, Ellen.
Thanks, guys.

I'll see you in a little bit.

We got a very
funny guy coming up now.

He just sold the show
to the now channel

and he's here tonight,
give him a hand,

make him feel welcome,
Mr. Henry Phillips.

Hey, thanks, stupid.

Um...

Well, I've only been in la now
for a couple of weeks

and it's weird
because I've noticed

that I think hailing a taxi

must look exactly
the same as trying...

Do the
light-your-hair-on-fire bit.

- The what?
- The bit,

where you light
your hair on fire.

That's not actually a bit.

She's talking about a video

where, uh, somebody gave me

a marijuana cigarette

and I hey, man,

were you really stoned?

No, I wasn't stoned.

Like I get...
I didn't know it was lit

and I put it on my hair
and I wound up

damn near killing myself...

Feeling like you were stoned.

If you don't mind,

I'd rather not do
a whole Q and a

about this fucking
video right now.

I'd rather just do my act.

That was so funny.

Was it fake?
Okay. Uh, so anyway,

yeah, I've only been
in la for a couple of weeks now

- and, uh, it's funny...
- So why did you come up

here if you weren't
gonna talk about the...

All right, dude,
if you wanna talk about it,

you can talk about it.

Everybody just go
fuck themselves.

I'm done with this shit.

Hey,

what did I tell you guys
about heckling the performers?

I was just trying to go...
I was trying to

that's not up to you.

Why don't you guys
pretend this is TV

and shut the fuck up, huh?
You know what?

Get out of here, buddy.

Oggy, get this idiot
out of here.

- I'm a customer.
- Not at my club,

- you're not. Get out.
- That's so unfair.

Oh, you, too, asshole.

Oggy, this one, too.
It's a little harsh.

So is your makeup.

We just wanted to see...
Yeah, shut up.

Why don't you guys
go and have sex

in the parking lot?

Thank you, guys,
for being human beings,

not like those idiots.

Give yourselves
a round of applause.

Are you guys

the front end of the vehicle

was over 20 inches

into a private driveway.

It's a violation.

It's clear cut.

Mr. Phillips?

Well, yeah, I'm not disputing
that part of it.

I'm just saying
that nobody ever told me

the car was impounded.
You see what I mean?

So it's like
the cops are looking

for a stolen vehicle

when meanwhile my car

is sitting on their impound lot

racking up $2,000
worth of charges...

When did the police contact you

about finding your car?

I got a message two days ago.

- I see.
- Now, hold on.

When the car was towed,

I entered it into the system

so there's absolutely
positively no way

the police would not
have notified him that day.

Mr. Phillips, do you still
have the message?

I should, yeah.

Can you play it for us?

Sure.

Sunday, September 18, 10:17 am.

Sorry about last night.

I wound up banging
that Erica chick.

Oh, sorry.

She's gonna be
the last girl in la

that still has a hairy crotch.

Shave the cooch,
shave the cooch.

I went down on that...
I'm sorry. Um...

You hang up on me,
you piece of shit coward?

You little fucking weep...

Hold on.

Hey, Henry, I feel bad.

I know we haven't talked

since you ejaculated

on my girlfriend's leg...

- Mr. Phillips, it...
- But, um...

- One sec.
- I'd love to talk

to you or see you.

Message saved,

Monday, September 26, 10:26 am.

Good morning, Mr. Phillips,

detective Delgado here.
This is it.

Well, good news we found

your 2006 Forenza.

It was not stolen.

It looks like the vehicle

was actually towed

for obstructing a driveway.

You can retrieve it at 2309

- west Tampa boulevard.
- Okay then.

Can you read that
back to me, please?

Sunday, September
18th, 10:17 am.

Hey, sorry about last night.

I wound up banging
that Erica chick.

Just the last message is fine.

Sorry.

Monday, September 26, 10:26 am.

Good morning, Mr. Phillips,
detective Delgado here.

Well, good news we found
your 2006 Forenza.

It wasn't stolen.
It looks like the vehicle

was towed for obstructing
a driveway.

Well, there you go.

So I guess somebody

uploads this stupid video

of me making
an ass out of myself

and it turns out
that that's what the network

wanted to make a show
about, not my songs,

just some asshole

whose hair caught
on fire, you know,

so just because of this dumb
viral video, you know?

Yeah, I know.
I saw the video.

It was hilarious.

You saw it?
Yeah. Somebody uploaded it

on Facebook and I was like,

oh, there's the guy

that screwed my girlfriend.

Oh, no.

I hope Zoe's gonna forgive me

about all that.

I think when she finally
stops vomiting,

she'll probably come around.

I was gonna put
a fresh pot of coffee on.

Would you like some?

I would love that.

All right. Well, um,

here comes a little
visitor for you.

Aw.

Make sure he doesn't
jump off the ledge.

Oh, he's fine.

I was talking to the cat.

Jay, whatever happened
to your TV show

about that loser guy?

Just a little Fyi, uh,

you talking to a guy
in my business,

it's not the best idea to say,

hey, whatever
happened to your blank,

you know, because
if you didn't hear about it,

that story is not gonna have
a happy ending.

Duly noted.

I owe you one.

I'll take it.

I'll tell you what happened.

We had Carl Rohmer

and the whole now network

chopping at the bit
to make a show

about a guy,
we're in the homestretch

and the guy just bails.

Well, all I can say
is he's damn luck

he's working with you, Jay,

not one of those
other sharks out there

or pedaling
hotdogs in Kalamazoo right now.

You know what,
at the end of the day,

I kind of get it. I mean...

Not everybody is dying
to be famous

just for the sake
of being famous.

So pop one open

for that cool, refreshing taste.

Look at that.

Stupid Joe does make more money

in 10 seconds than we're
gonna make all weekend.

Well, good for him,
I guess, huh?

Hey, did you leave
the lights on?

No, they turn off automatically.

Are you sure?
Yeah.

Yeah, come on, let's go.

Okay. It just didn't.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Yeah.
Is it all right

if I just drop
this here for a sec?

Okay.
Thank you.

Hey, what's up man?

Hey, bathroom?

Yeah, but this section is closed

for a private party, sorry.

Uh, is there another
bathroom or...

No.
So,

what would somebody do
if they have to go

to the bathroom?
I got some VIPs back here

and I'm gonna tell you, sir.
This is crazy.

I mean, is that even legal?

Don't you have
to have a bathroom

for the people? I mean...
Yeah, I'm not a lawyer.

That's crazy.

All right.

I want in.

But you're not getting in.

You know, right now,

I might be a big nobody here,

but few years down the line,
I might be selling out shows

all over the country
and our paths may cross again.

And if you're not nice
to me now,

I might not be
so easy to deal with

a little bit down the line.

So,

what's it gonna be?

Bullshit.

Hey, man.
Hey, man, how's it going?

Good, good.

What do you want
for your introduction?

Oh, just say Henry Phillips.

Cool. You want me
to tell them

to turn off their cell phones?

Yeah, if you want.

I got it. All right.
Cool.

Hey, can I have a glass
of water real quick?

Oh, thanks.

Hey.
Well, hey, man,

where did you go?
Bathroom.

Did that guy let you in?
Yeah,

I had to tell him
I was with Henry Phillips.

Oh, um, by the way,

Arnold tell me to tell you...

Hotdogs.

Don't forget to mention hotdogs,

two for a dollar in a bun.

Put it in there somewhere.

- Good deal.
- All right.

This guy coming up here,
Henry Phillips,

wants you to turn
your cell phones off, okay?

He came all the way
out here from la.

I expect you
to give him the respect

that somebody from la deserves.

Don't need to be
talking on your cell phones

like a bunch of jackasses,

so give it up.

Oh, thanks.

You guys having a good time?

I'm not from la.
I, um, I was just there

for a little while though.

I think la is this place
where everybody feels

like they're just like sleeping
their way to the top

and I always felt
like I'm just like

masturbating my way
to the bottom

for no other reason. And, um...

But I've always had the worst,
like, when it comes to meeting

new people for the first time,
and this is a true story.

I was in the elevator recently

and there were a couple
of girls there

and some other people
and I was trying

to talk to these girls

and there wasn't
really happening

and so, um,

when I got to my floor,
I didn't know

if I was supposed
to go right or left,

but I just wanted to get out
of there so I thought,

well, I'm just gonna go left

and deal with it later.

So I get to my floor
and I was like,

well, you guys have
a good one, whatever.

And then I went out
and I went left,

but there's just
a wall right here

and I was like, oh, shit.

But I didn't think they
could see, so I thought,

well, maybe what I'll do,

I'm just gonna, kind of,
like stand here

and hide up against the wall
just for a second

and wait for the doors to close

so that way they don't know

that I fucked up.

So, I'm just
kind of standing here,

hiding against
the wall, waiting,

and the doors weren't closing
for the longest time,

but while I was standing there,

I looked across here
and there's this giant mirror

and I could see them,
and they're staring at me

and I'm just standing here,
hiding up against this wall,

I didn't know
what to say, I was like, uh,

oh, hey.

And then the doors closed
right at that moment,

so that's the last thing
anybody saw

and I was like, oh, man.

I don't think that happens
to normal people.

So is it worth it?

As long as I'm doing
what I like to do,

you know, I think that if
somebody came up to me and said,

"hey, I'll give you $10,000,

"but you have to say a joke

that you don't think is funny,"

I would do it, obviously.
Yeah, I would, too.

That was a bad example.

I was stupid.

What I meant was, um,

like, if you...

You wanna fail
at doing what you love

- and not compromising.
- Exactly,

and I think
I'm feeling very well

doing what I love.

You're listening to mouth fuck.

That was Henry Phillips

who I believe is...

A rambling troubadour
extraordinaire.

Oh.

And, uh, thank you so much

for coming in.

- Yeah.
- Playing your song

- and talking about your life.
- Sure.

Thank you for having me.
http://archiveha.net

I wanna apologize
about my voice tonight,

by the way.

Every night,
it's a shitty voice,

so I apologize
about that, but...

Thank you guys very much.
http://archiveha.net

Thank you so much.

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