Original subtitles

Approaching army base Fort Winning, New Jersey.

Artillery range noise will cover my entrance.

Biological and chemical warfare's been getting

A bloody nose in the world press.

Well, I think we're gonna change all that.

Okay.

This is the army's new Will Gas!

Code name BG-30.

With this gas, we can chemically induce our opponents

To lose their will to win.

'You see, an angry dog becomes docile. '

And no side effects.

It's ready for testing on human beings.

I don't think I have to draw you gentlemen any pictures

As to the, uh, far reaching

'Psychological applications to all this. '

What's going on out here?

'Where'd that truck come from?'

'Security guard! Security guard!'

Gentlemen, be careful on the way back.

Oh, here you are, Mr. Alexander.

W-we don't know what happened around here.

Here, we're sending you gentlemen back in separate cars

As a security precaution.

I'd appreciate it if you... treat this as top secret!

Stop here, please.

Yes, Mr. Alexander.

- Time for refreshments. - Yes, Mr. Alexander.

Ah.

If I may be permitted to say, Mr. Alexander...

You could use a few days of relaxation.

You've been working very, very hard lately.

I have a few more steps in my plan

To be executed, Parviz.

It's not so simple to conquer the world today

As it was for Alexander the Great.

Life is a great deal more complicated, but...

This gas should make things easier for me.

Our local scanners report Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin

On their way in, sir.

These films just came in on the relay from base security.

They were taken outside the laboratory.

'These gentlemen are clear at this point. '

However, I've detailed men to check them out completely.

And here's our Mr. Alexander.

'A very different kettle of fish. '

'Somewhat of a mystery man, it appears. '

He owns an industrial empire.

Finance, shipping...

Chemicals, mining.

Yet nobody seems to know much about him.

Well, I'd say that the army's public information program

On biological warfare was off to a rather shaky start.

They invite three of their top suppliers of chemicals

To a private showing and then...

One of them steals their newest product.

Other than the process of elimination

Is there anything else that points directly

At our Mr. Alexander?

'Oh, yes. '

'About three quarters of a gallon'

'Of BG-30 Will Gas was stolen. '

A briefcase full?

Well, that's quite an assumption.

Yes, isn't it?

Alexander was the only one of the three men

Carrying a receptacle large enough

To hold that amount of gas.

This stone tablet...

What have you found out about this tablet?

Well, the archeological department

Recommends that for a definitive analysis of the markings

We should submit the tablet to a Mr. Kavon

At the Artifacts Library at the University of Athens.

Well, that seems a reasonable place

For you to start, Mr. Kuryakin.

'See if you can discover how it relates to the stolen gas. '

Which, uh... leaves me with...

- Mr. Alexander. - Mm-hmm.

We have his local address.

It's very important to recover the gas, Mr. Solo.

'Enough of it was stolen to cause considerable difficulty'

'If handled improperly. '

Its composition is top secret.

Anyone who possesses it could have it analyzed.

Well, uh, I'll find Alexander

And if he has the gas, I'll, uh...

Make sure and ask him to return it.

You'll receive your passports and identification papers

From our Madagascar office.

I think you have a... address for me, uh...

Gee, I don't wanna quibble, but this is

An apartment number and address.

I'm supposed to get the, uh...

Address of Alexander's hotel.

That's, uh, my address.

And once you've committed it to memory...

Tear it up into small pieces and swallow it.

Channel D is open, I'll put you through to Mr. Waverly.

You haven't forgotten our date tonight, have you?

Our...

No. No, no, of course, I...

No, I...

Here's the hotel address.

Uh, Contact Point 11 says that

Alexander's checking out, so you better hurry.

Well, of course. Yes.

Thank you. Bye.

Overseas relay, pattern F.

I'm, uh, booked on an early flight.

Mm-hmm.

What's the matter?

You don't happen to know her name, do you, huh?

Go, go, please, hurry, hurry.

Watch it! Hold it, hold it, hold it! Hey, hey!

For that, no tip, my friend, no tip at all!

I hope Mr. Alexander makes his flight in time.

'Just call for our car, please. '

Hey! Hey, stop that girl!

Allow me!

I have an appointment.

You can tell Alexander, he knows the price for this.

And put away that gun.

Wait! Don't open that.

Why not? I've earned it.

These are all the papers we sent him, Arnold.

For 18 months I have been trying

To serve him with a subpoena

And get my settlement papers signed.

For 18 months!

You mean, that's why you stole that briefcase?

To force him into a meeting with your lawyer?

Exactly. He is crazy!

I mean, really crazy!

Like, he thinks he's some sort

Of modern dressed version of Alexander the Great!

- Now, Tracey. - And I gave him my inheritance.

- I must be crazier than he is! - Tracey.

Tracey, please.

Now, you will further inform

Mr. Alexander that Mrs. Alexander's inheritance

From her former husband, the late Maharaja...

I-I don't mean to interrupt, uh, but, uh

I am neither with or for Mr. Alexander.

'I am Napoleon Solo'

With the U-N-C-L-E.

Oh, my favorite charity.

Listen, dear, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid

I'm already over committed.

Uh, Mr. Solo is with

A secret international organization.

- 'Really?' - Yes.

And we're interested in finding out

About, uh, Mr. Alexander.

Uh, that'll take an organization.

Uh, but if there's anything I can do...

Uh, could you tell us something about his business activities?

Well, I, um...

I know that he's very successful.

Uh-huh. I-is there anything else?

Well, he travels a great deal.

Ah, oh, good, uh

Would you know where he happens to be going now?

Well, he usually goes to his villa

In Alexander's Greece about this time of year.

And then, um, he disappears.

He's a creature of habit.

Well, thank you for your help

Uh, Mrs. Alexander.

- Mr... - Claxon.

- Claxon. - Ah, uh...

Oh, why can't we join forces, Mr. Solo?

After all, I am his estranged wife and, uh

Well, that should count for something.

Well, that's very tempting, but I'm afraid

It's a bit too dangerous.

Oh, well, if you, uh...

If you can't see yourself clear, I, uh...

Good luck, Mr. Solo.

Well, thank you. Good luck to you.

Taxi!

Follow that spy.

Very odd piece

You have here, Mr. Kuryakin.

I have the acid test results from our laboratory.

Oh, no, no, no, thank you.

I prefer to run my own tests, you know?

Well, can you make a preliminary evaluation?

Oh, no, not yet.

In a day or two, perhaps.

You see, I'm not as fleet as I used to be, eh...

An old athletic injury.

I got it playing lacrosse

When I was an undergraduate.

I'm very sorry to hear that, professor.

It is, uh, Mr. Kavon.

Of course.

You see, I was an instructor of humanities

But the universities forced me out

Because of my, uh... social theories.

So I turned to archeology, an old avocation

And I became a world's authority.

Well, thank you for your cooperation.

Uh, I'll be in touch with you.

Uh, what do you think of the human condition

Mr. Kuryakin?

I'm in favor of it.

Hmm.

Overseas relay, pattern G is open.

How's the flight, Napoleon?

Uh, fine, ahem, dear.

Uh, we're, uh, somewhere

Over the Atlantic.

- Have you heard from Illya? - Yes.

He's, uh, meeting you at the Athens Airport.

One more item, is there

A Mrs. Tracey Alexander

Booked on this flight?

There is.

I suppose, she's following you.

No, just professionally, of course.

Well, I'll forgive you for breaking our date

If you promise to be back before tomorrow night.

We can still have that weekend at the beach.

I'm working on my tan right now.

A weekend at the beach?

You haven't forgotten, have you?

Oh, no, of course not.

You know what they say about elephants and spies.

Goodbye, Napoleon.

Uh, ahem, goodbye

Uh... control.

'Via London is now in its'

'Final loading stages at Gate 11.'

'Passengers of flight ten via London'

'Please report to Gate 11.'

Your husband wants to see you, Mrs. Alexander.

'Anestos. '

That is not necessary, put it away.

Alexander has opened his villa.

He's giving a reception tonight

In honor of his neighbor.

Prince Phanong and his, uh

French wife, Princess Nicole.

What's the matter? You lose something?

Yeah, if I'm lucky.

Dmitri, you and Georgie run through the other buildings!

'Passengers for polar route flight nine...

'To Paris may now board at Gate 15.'

I believe this piece of baggage is mine.

I know what you want.

I may give it to you.

I'm almost prepared to forgive you.

Forgive me?

You deserted me.

Ahem.

I admit it was a novel experience.

No one has ever dared to do that to me before.

But Alexander the Great did on occasions

Forgive transgressors.

I will forgive you.

Well, since you put it that way...

You might try to remember that

It's he with the power who forgives.

Oh, yes, I will, uh, you can count on it, heh.

Uh, now, uh... I don't want to seem

To be too unromantic or anything...

But I would like back what I put into our marriage.

Uh, you remember, the million dollars?

That million dollars mean so much to you?

Well, uh, when it's the only

Million dollars you've got, uh, yes.

Uh, say, I, um, ahem, just happened

To have a copy of the, uh

Settlement papers right here.

There is one condition.

Perhaps I should call it a favor.

Uh, let's just call it a condition.

What is it?

The party that I'm giving tonight

To honor Prince and Princess Phanong

Has special significance for me.

The princess is an admirer of mine.

'The... prince, however'

Is an obsessively jealous man who misinterprets

The princess's appreciation of me.

Well, um, just how much does she admire you?

- She worships me. - Really?

I allow it because I think it's healthy

For a young girl to have an idol.

Uh, exactly what is it you want me to do?

It's important that you hostess this party

And keep the prince's mind off his petty jealousies.

You will do this small thing for me

And I will sign the paper.

- After the party. - Uh, thank you, ahem.

That is a promise, isn't it?

"So it shall be written. So it shall be done. "

Alright, I'll go through the back.

Keep an eye out for Alexander's wife.

She may be around here somewhere.

Avoid her.

I will.

Good hunting.

'And no one has ever seen him since. '

Excuse me.

How do you do? I'm Mrs. Alexander.

Oh, I've heard a great deal about you.

I am Illya Kuryakin, at your service.

Will, uh, Mrs. Kuryakin be joining us?

Please, do not neglect your other guests on account of me.

Uh, you're... you're not

Count Kuryakin by any chance?

Of course.

Well, then you must let me get you a drink.

Uh, no, no, thank you.

But you must be thirsty

After that long flight in from, uh...

Uh, the Balkans, wasn't it?

From America.

I, uh, own a chain of radio stations

In, uh, Oklahoma.

- Oh. - Have you been there?

Well, no, uh, I-I've never been there myself

But my friends who have tell me

You get wonderful radio reception there.

Really?

'Dmitri, make sure the doors to the garden'

And the other rooms are all open.

'Hurry up and do that, please. '

"Music. "

"The lights. "

"Rainfall. "

Hmm.

"Aphrodisiac mist. "

Well, I'll take his word for it.

How, how do we get back to this party?

Can you show me? I'm having a... great time.

- Yes, I see you are, sir. - Now.

Yes, sir, yes, sir, the party is over this way.

- You having a good time? - Yes, very good.

- Thank you for the escort. - You're quite welcome, sir.

Call me. I like you.

New York, New York, I remember him.

My pistol. Dmitri!

Come here.

Go! Go! Go!

I see you two have found each other.

Mr. Solo.

I've been... spotted.

Well, she's everything you said she was.

Oh, no.

You're not another spy?

Well, ahem

It may be very good espionage

But it is very poor manners.

Ladies and gentlemen.

'It's time for our game of chess. '

Will the pawns come out, please?

Those of you who wish to play the remaining pieces will find

The proper accoutrements on that table over there.

Would you honor me

By taking position as my queen?

Of course.

As your host...

'It is my responsibility to play any challenger. '

Please, my reputation is somewhat overstated.

'Won't someone please accept the challenge?'

I'll accept the challenge!

That man is an UNCLE agent.

Oh, really?

The question is, can he play chess?

White moves first, Mr., uh...

Uh, Solo.

Pawn to king four.

Pawn to king four.

Knight to queen's bishop...

Three.

Knight to queen's bishop three.

'Queen to knight eight. '

Looks like I have you in check, doesn't it?

You're bluffing. That can be fatal.

I'll take your queen.

Rook takes queen.

Well, we all have to make sacrifices.

Knight to bishop...

Seven.

Checkmate.

Bravo!

- Bravo! - Bravo!

First game is yours, Mr. Solo.

To the victors.

Of course.

Waiter.

Just how do you want him killed?

I have something much more interesting in mind.

I'll call afterwards and arrange for a rematch.

You still going to the rock quarry, Mr. Alexander?

Yes, you'll meet me there tomorrow.

Our host just disappeared

Into the house.

Scusi.

I will kill any man who makes

Indecent advances to my wife.

- Ah. - Let this be a warning to you.

Well, I tell ya, you're in luck

That I'm a busy man.

Oh! I found this in his incense burner.

My settlement papers.

I was so close.

If it wasn't for you two

Uh, spies

I'd have my papers signed by now.

- Where is he? - Gone.

But I happen to know where his driver's taking him.

Uh-huh. Where?

I'll show you.

It's just a few hours drive from here.

Of course, I have to change my clothes.

I wouldn't be caught in a rock quarry wearing this.

No, it's, uh

Too dangerous a trip for a frail thing like you.

I won't tell you where they're going

Unless you take me with you.

I'm not above blackmail.

It's part of my charm.

You're late!

We stopped to refuel, Mr. Alexander.

Because someone was late

A battle was lost!

Yes, that's true, Mr. Alexander.

Is the area clear?

'I think so, Mr. Alexander. '

Tracey?

'Tracey. '

You don't really think I could sleep through all this, do you?

I really must have eight hours sleep.

Fortunately, I am a master of disguise. Ugh.

I, uh, hate to interrupt your project

But it would be helpful

If you could answer a few questions.

As long as I don't have to stand at attention.

Why should your husband come up here?

I don't know.

Well... how many cars does he have stationed here?

I don't know. I said, he always made me wait in the car.

Well, look it, I did get you here, didn't I?

- I'm waiting! - Yes, sir.

You get down here! Get down here!

Uh, listen, we took the turn off left

Just so my wife could see

A rock quarry here.

No, you see, she's not gonna

Give me a moment's peace

Unless she can see a rock quarry.

I'm funny that way.

I don't understand English!

You're very sneaky, you know that?

How'd you do that?

Shall we lose 'em in the tunnel?

Bandits at 3 o'clock.

I'll try an evasive action.

He must have hit our gas tank. We're almost empty.

Let's make a stand.

Brace yourselves.

Hey...

I cut my finger.

Yes, Mr. Waverly, our Athens office

Picked them up at the rock quarry.

They should be at the airport now.

Well, the relay channels are busy

But I'll try and get through.

Here you are. A one-way ticket to New York.

Oh, you can't do this to me, you beast.

I'm a lady in distress!

Well, as we say around the office

"You've outlived your usefulness. "

Well, stop thinking of your own selfish interests

And start thinking of my selfish interests.

Now, I want my million dollars back from Alexander.

And I want to get the BG-30 Gas from him.

It might cause you to get in the way

And sometimes when you get in the way, you get killed.

Oh, I don't wanna hear any more reasons.

By the way, what do all those crazy numbers mean?

- You don't know? - No.

What is that?

Um, uh...

Overseas relay signal.

- Probably from New York. - Really?

It's me, Napoleon.

'Oh, yes, uh, you. '

'Uh, I'm running a little late'

'And I don't think I'll be back in time. '

That's alright, Napoleon.

I'm, uh, working through the weekend

But I'll have two days off when you get back.

We can take that, uh, drive to the mountains.

'The mountains? Oh, yes. Sounds wonderful. '

- Uh, go ahead, Mr. Waverly. - What do you have to report?

Well, the Athens office has checked out

The villa and the quarry

And hasn't found anything.

Well, how will you proceed?

I think we should refer back

To the stone tablet inscriptions.

We're meeting with Mr. Kavon

At the university this afternoon.

If we find anything positive, I'll report back.

Good. I'll be waiting, Mr. Solo.

I'll be waiting too, Napoleon.

Where's Tracey?

You know, I'm glad you asked that question.

That's fascinating, Mr. Kavon.

Would you mind explaining it to my friends?

Ah, welcome back, Mr. Kuryakin.

My associate, Mr. Solo.

How do you do?

I was just telling your charming associate here

About the, uh, carvings on the tablet.

But if you would step over here

You would find it a little clearer

On this enlarged photograph.

Don't you find carvings exciting?

Are you sure you wouldn't rather be somewhere

More comfortable, New York for instance, hmm?

Well, I think I have a more promising future here with you.

And I'm a very determined girl.

She's everything you said she was, Illya.

Now, by my findings, the tablet

It would appear

Comes from a tomb built to honor Spiros

An ancient Greek God of morality.

What is the significance of the number on the stone?

Very puzzling.

Where is this tomb?

Well, uh, Spiros was never a very...

Popular God and it is only recently

That the ministry of culture uncovered the entrance.

It is on the Island of Ninos.

Not far from here.

Well, thank you, Mr. Kavon.

Come on, Illya, I have a feeling we'll find

All of our answers at the tomb.

Hey, wait a minute. You're not leaving without me.

Bye, doctor. Goodbye, Mrs. Alexander.

Of course, you realize, Mr. Solo

That the Spiro's tomb has not been fully explored.

'There are several passages'

'And chambers that have not been officially uncovered'

And it is possible...

Possible that somebody found

One of the main chambers

And is keeping it a, uh, secret.

Well, then, perhaps you would consent

To be our guide, Mr. Kavon.

Oh, no. Thank you.

I would only, uh...

Slow you down in your work.

On the contrary, you'd be a great help, Mr. Kavon.

Very well.

The truth is, I find the academic side

Of all this very intriguing.

Thank you.

Good. I'll just go change and meet you at the tomb.

- We must be very careful... - I can't see.

With every step because the...

Citizens of ancient Hellas

Arranged the passages in their sacred temples

So that if an infidel were to trespass...

He would, please, unwittingly

Trap himself by stepping on the wrong stone.

- Look out! - Ah!

That was rather nice.

We have to try again sometime.

It's my pleasure.

Yes. This is one of the traps, alright.

And someone must have stood on the wrong stone.

How are we going to get out?

Uh, do not be too concerned.

There are several passages that will lead us

To the entrance, uh, eventually.

Uh, after you.

Hey! Watch-watch it!

- Odd, isn't it? - Very.

I, uh, hate to bring up the annoying details, Mr. Kavon

But I have a distinct feeling

That we're trapped in here.

Yes, it, uh, would seem that way, wouldn't it?

Hang on. Uh...

Mr. Solo, your flash, please, uh...

Here's something interesting.

- What is it? What? - Uh...

- What is it? - This looks like a... code.

- What does it say? - Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

- Mm. - Mm.

Push... here.

- Hey! Oh! - Ah! My goodness!

- Ah! - Ah!

'Oh!'

Alright, shall we go this way?

'The first game was yours, Mr. Solo. '

I think it's time for a rematch.

My first move.

Mr. Kuryakin!

Plays a very fast game, doesn't he?

Yes, and by his own rules.

Your move, Mr. Solo.

Over here, Mr. Solo.

Yeah, one for you and one for me.

And one to spare.

I'll take the one to the right.

Too bad, Mr. Solo.

'Now it's my move, Mr. Solo. '

'I'll take your knight and your queen. '

'One of these corridors will lead you to your friends. '

'The others...

'Well...

'Your move, Mr. Solo. '

I see you found your way here safely.

I couldn't miss it.

It's the only temple on the block.

Where's our host?

'You're right on time. I like that, Mr. Solo. '

Good, I thought it might be nice

If we all got together for a little chat.

Why don't you put the weapons away, Mr. Solo?

Mr. Kavon has a gun pointed at your back.

- Mr. Kavon. - 'I'm sure he has. '

'But when he triggered the mechanism in the corridor'

I had the opportunity to jam the firing pin in the revolver.

Please. Thank you.

'I assumed you were trying to lead us into a trap. '

How did you assume that?

First of all, the stone tablet

Came from Alexander's rock quarry.

'I recognized the mineral composition. '

Also, I noticed Kavon walk with a shuffle.

Which may indicate that the man has spent some time in chains.

'I had our office check with the state prison'

Security system and, uh, he does have a record.

- Rather elementary. - Oh.

Glad I didn't have to ask him that.

A relatively simple piece of detective work.

No, it isn't.

He's doing very well.

Now, while you're at it, what are all those numbers about?

Oh, the Ten Commandments.

- 'Ten commandments?' - Yes.

He broke the eighth commandment

When he stole the gas from the army.

In case you don't know, that's "Thou shalt not steal. "

And number seven...

Coveting his neighbor's wife at his villa.

You're very well organized, aren't you?

I'm sure Alexander will explain the details later.

Shall we move out into the lobby or, uh...

That game of chess taught me something about you, Mr. Solo.

'Like most people, you think that victory'

Can be won by simple direct moves.

You'll never be a great man.

Checkmate, Mr. Solo.

Ah. Well.

'Take charge of them, Parviz. '

Over there, on your back.

- There? - Over there.

Quick, on your back.

Back?

'You see, you've only scratched the surface, Mr. Solo. '

I am breaking the universal law of morality.

The Ten Commandments, if you like

But for a special reason.

Well, that's good. I'd hate to see all that energy go to waste.

I decided...

To initiate a great design.

I elected to break each of the moral commandments

And planned it in such a way that when I broke

The last commandment, I would have a power base

From which I could rule the world.

Well, takes all kinds to conquer the world.

In my own grandiose way

I have broken every moral commandment.

Except number seven, which, uh, you interrupted

But, uh, that will be executed

In fairly short order and, uh

Number six, "Thou shalt not kill. "

Anyone we know?

Possibly.

I'll kill him myself and walk away a free man.

It's all part of my master plan.

From that moment on, I will be Alexander the Greater.

No one will stop me.

It's going to be a fascinating experience.

And what are you going to do about Tracey?

Tie them together.

'Mr. Kavon, my Aristotle, if you like'

And I are on our way to Washington. Goodbye!

And you know how awkward it is to get space

Without a reservation.

Lower the scimitar.

I'm going to show you the heritage

Of the ancient cultures of the Mediterranean.

Well, I tell ya, I really wouldn't want

To inconvenience you here, uh...

Beautiful, is it not?

It's razor sharp, of course.

It's a new steel process.

I get 15 to 20 times more use out of each one of these blades.

'Operates on the principle of the lowering pendulum. '

Each swing lowers a few inches until eventually...

Of course...

There are some people who might say...

This is tortuous.

Well, I tell ya, I really never listen to what people say.

Mr. Solo...

Just the same, I shall relieve your anxiety.

Lower the rope pretty please.

This is a little something we use for those

Who commit sacrilege in our tombs.

Raise them.

- Faster, faster. - Ah!

Tie it up.

You see, the candle will burn through the rope.

But that is not all.

'Bottomless, of course, Mr. Solo. '

There you are.

I believe that should help take your mind...

'Off the scimitar. '

- Come. - Okay.

It's no use.

Now, what are we gonna do?

Well, uh...

The best we can.

The rope!

What are you gonna do?

Aim very carefully.

Ya hung up?

Huh?

So, Mr. Alexander is going to kill someone.

But who?

When?

He still has the BG-30 Will Gas.

Puts us in a very vulnerable position.

All we know is that he said he was gonna take

A flight to Washington.

So far, our Washington intelligence survey

Has only been able to uncover the name of a health salon.

For men and women, called The Grecian Urn.

It's owned by AX Enterprises Incorporated

Which in turn is owned by Alexander Incorporated

Which in turn etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Well, you'll have to start there, I suppose.

Well, Mr. Alexander gives us very little to go on.

Now where is this Mrs. Alexander?

'She's in my office now. '

'I had her brought in for a security interview. '

I doubt if she knows much more than we do

About Alexander though.

Well, I suppose I must talk to her just the same.

The most direct course would be to force his hand.

If we can get his wife to show herself...

No, no, no. That's out of the question.

Much too dangerous.

Now we can hardly expect her to do that.

I think you'll find her unusually cooperative.

Alright, Arnold, I'll stop by

And pick them up in the morning.

Thank you. Goodbye.

My lawyer. I'm getting a fresh change of settlement papers.

Hello, you must be Mr. Waverly.

How do you do, Mrs. Alexander? We, uh, we've come to discuss...

I, uh, feel so much more secure now that I've met you.

Oh, well, thank you.

I, uh, wondered if I might speak to you for a moment.

- Privately. - Uh, yes, if you like, um...

- Uh, gentlemen... - Uh, yes, uh, we'll be outside.

- In case you need us. - Uh, thank you.

Um, now I don't know how much

Uh, they might have told you about me, but, uh...

I-I'd like to talk to you for a moment.

Uh, it's about my, uh, million dollars.

Uh, Mr. Solo told me you were trying to get a divorce

And property settlement from Alexander.

I'd like to join forces with you.

Now I have an idea how I can help us all

Catch up with Alexander.

Oh, yes?

I could expose myself.

You'd be following me, of course.

We'd force his hand.

'And my peaches are the best you've ever tasted. '

I like this farm.

It harmonizes with the pastoral side of my nature.

I raise organic health foods here.

If I may ask, Mr. Alexander

When do you plan to hold the assassination?

Tonight.

I've arranged for your Washington Embassy

To hold a special party for your nation's president.

I will be there to make a goodwill speech.

I will kill him immediately after my remarks.

With the president dead, the Loyalist Democratic forces

Should collapse. Our opposition will be scattered.

It should be simple enough to stage a coup.

And what about Prince Phanong, Mr. Alexander?

I've already taken care of that. I'm very close to his wife.

This is the BG-30 Will Gas.

Its use will chemically disable your opposition's will to win.

'Thank you. '

Our country's indebted to you for all you have done.

We'll look forward to hear from you.

Thank you, General Man-Phang. General Bon Phouma.

Have a pleasant, pleasant voyage.

Can you rely on these men?

Oh, yes, they're reliable, but they're second-rate intellects.

I shouldn't have any trouble using their country

As my personal power base.

From there I can subvert all of Asia.

Where the devil did I put the keys to my sports car?

Is our, uh, plan working well, Alexander?

Perfectly.

I will conquer the world in no time at all.

Along the way, I will break each of the moral commandments.

- It's not bad for a beginner. - No.

You were always a good student.

Well, I owe everything to you.

I wouldn't want you to think I had forgotten that.

I found this on my, uh, bed stand.

Oh, really?

What is it?

A-an advertisement, uh...

Some place in Arizona called Retirement City, a...

'Place where they keep old people. '

Here they are.

Oh, that must have come for you in the mail.

I've heard of the place. I understand it's... very nice.

Well, I have to change if I'm going to beat

The Washington noon time traffic.

It's almost 1:30.

I know.

But my husband will be home within a moment.

I know.

He's very punctual, isn't he?

What are you doing here?

I just stopped off to pay my respects to your wife.

I will kill you.

No, you won't. You're not suited for it.

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone

You're not prince enough to keep your own wife.

What are you trying to do to me?

I'm buying you off.

I'm guaranteeing that you will support the

That will overthrow your new government.

Don't worry.

This is my last visit.

Um, this is the address of Alexander's

Washington health salon, Grecian Urn.

Say, when does the flight leave?

- At 2 o'clock this afternoon. - Mm-hmm.

There's something I wanna talk to you about

Uh, concerning the weekend.

Regarding, you know, going, uh

To the beach or driving up into the mountains.

Well, I've already forgiven you for that.

But I am going to hold you to our midnight supper.

So you just have to, uh, wrap up the Alexander affair

And hurry and get back here by tonight.

Mm-hmm. You have any place in particular in mind?

Napoleon, where does anybody go

For a quiet, romantic midnight rendezvous?

I should have guessed.

Ah.

We'll cover you from here.

They'll probably have someone follow you once you come out

So we will have to keep our distance.

And in there, you'll have to make your story convincing.

You might even have to appear a little critical of us.

Well, it'll be difficult, but I'll try.

Uh, what if they won't let me come out?

Then we'll come in.

You sure you'll be alright?

I'll be fine.

Good afternoon. May I help you?

I'd like to see Mr. Alexander, please.

Mr. Alexander.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that we have no Mr. Alexander here.

You must have the wrong address.

Well, wherever he is, just tell him

That Mrs. Alexander would like to see him.

That's me.

Get out.

Mr. Arnold, Mr. Prince and a Mr. Bruce are available.

You may inform him that I have some very valuable

And very expensive information for him.

Yes, sir.

The girls will show you to Room A.

Uh, that won't be necessary.

Just see that Alexander gets my message.

If anyone wants me, I'll be in Room A.

Can Mr. Alexander be reached?

'Not at the moment. '

- You try to locate him. - 'Yes, sir. '

Now I'm going to step out of my office for a few moments.

You hold all my calls, please.

What are you doing to her?

I did not say give her a beauty treatment.

I thought you're trying to torture me...

You out, out, out. Leave us alone, out.

Well, I can't say that it's nice to see you again.

Could you hand me my clothes, please?

How did you get out of your tomb?

Well, you see, there was this lamp.

We rubbed it three times.

What do you want with Mr. Alexander?

What information do you have?

I'll tell Alexander when I see him.

Ow!

Now would you please turn around?

Are you working for the U-N-C-L-E?

The U-N-C-L... Oh, UNCLE.

Oh, no. There's no profit in that.

All I wanna do is make a trade.

Would you turn around please?

You're so nasty.

I'll tell him what they know about his plans in Washington

And all he has to do is give me my settlement.

How do I know I can trust you?

Well, that's just one of the chances you have to take

In the espionage business.

Have you heard from Mr. Alexander?

Not yet.

Have them bring my car around the front, please.

Excuse me...

Mr. Ingo is in charge of the men's division.

He'll be right with you.

Well, actually I was looking f-for...

I am Ingo.

Of course.

I know what your problem is.

Is it that easy to tell?

Yes. Inactivity.

All businessmen today suffer from inactivity.

I'll show you.

I'm going to put you on a program of vigorous exercise...

And give you a diet of high vitality organic health food.

I sell some of the best organic health food

As a service to my customers.

We must purify your system.

Your blood has been poisoned by impurities.

I'll get a chart.

'Isn't this a surprise?'

'We haven't seen each other since the party in Alexander's. '

The wife of Prince Phanong, aren't you?

Yes.

Ever since we met in Alexander's

I knew there would be something for us to share together.

You may be right.

It's really very stimulating.

Thank you, but I have some friends that are expecting me.

You're not going to leave me

All alone and unprotected, are you?

Well, I'd like to help, but I'm a little behind schedule.

Besides, I have the distinct feeling

It might be bad for my back.

I'll take it from here.

Alright, now just relax and don't...

Ah, Mr. Solo.

Ingo, give him the complete workout.

Condition red, give everyone the afternoon off.

Napoleon, they just boarded the limousine.

I'm going to be busy for a while. You go ahead.

Alright, I'll check back with you later.

'Ah!'

Oh!

Please.

What is she doing here? She is supposed to be dead.

A wife's place is by her husband.

Thanks for your concern just the same.

What is she doing here?

She said that she had information

That UNCLE knows of all your plans.

What information do you have?

It will cost you a million dollars.

My personal check...

On the Swiss account.

Now... what do you know?

Oh, that, well...

I, uh...

I, uh, I know that UNCLE is very upset

About what you've been doing and, uh...

And you're gonna get in a lot of trouble if you don't stop.

And if I were you, I'd stop people

Putting people in tombs and, uh...

Are you ever going to learn that money isn't everything?

'Hmm?'

How do you know she wasn't followed

Here by an UNCLE agent?

I discovered she was, she was followed by Solo

But Ingo is taking very good care...

How do you know that she wasn't followed here

By more than one UNCLE agent?

Well, I don't know, but you see...

Parviz, I'm very disappointed in you.

Yes, sir.

How did you get out of that tomb?

- Yes, sir. - Security check.

Yes, sir.

Unauthorized personnel coming across the field.

- Well, bring him in. - Yes, sir.

Security condition's red.

Hi there.

Coffee, tea, or milk?

Just how much did your organization know

Of my plans, Mr. Kuryakin?

We know enough to stop you.

My advice to you is to quit while you're ahead.

- Words to live by. - They don't know anything.

Just enough to waste my valuable time.

Why haven't I heard from Ingo?

- Hello. - 'Ingo. '

Uh, no, Ingo can't come to the phone, Alexander.

Mr. Solo, I have something for you to think about.

Here with me I have both Mr. Kuryakin and my former wife.

Well, I hope you're all having a good time together.

Perhaps I could join you.

Your organization had better not interfere

With my plans or I'll be forced to kill them both.

That won't help you, Alexander. May I remind you...

I doubt if that will help very much

But it will keep you alive a little longer, Mr. Kuryakin.

I may need you later for bargaining power.

Call Gamar Hosseine.

Now you go upstairs and prepare yourself.

You're going to a reception with me tonight.

- What kind of a reception... - Never mind.

Just go upstairs. Your gown will be sent up to you.

And just exactly what am I expected to do

At this reception?

Just stay as beautiful as you are.

Well, thank you.

And if I go with you, will you promise not to have him killed?

'Oh, yes, yes, I'm sure you wouldn't want me to do that. '

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.

And if I don't go, you will kill him.

Yes. Don't leave yourself out.

Oh, well, in that case, I, I can't think

Of when I've had a more tempting offer.

You take her upstairs. Make certain you don't lose her.

- Yes, Mr. Alexander. - I'll be along later.

Mr. Kavon, I have a surprise for you. A gift.

Yes.

I should do some work on my experiments.

- What sort of experiments? - Oh!

Something that'll take your mind off of all this unpleasantness.

What sort of experiments?

Come. I will show you.

Uh-huh.

I wanna go to Alexandria, Virginia.

You know how far that is?

Hey, listen, turn around and look at me.

One.

Two.

Three.

Uh, have you ever heard of a brotherhood

Called the Sons Of Medea, Mr. Kuryakin?

I've read about it.

It's an obscure Greek brotherhood of fanatics.

Also known as the cult of the death wish.

Uh, you have heard all this.

I thought the Sons of Medea was an ancient order

Long extinct.

Well, you know how it is with cults.

I am the only active member left.

In my research, I discovered that a long time ago

Members of my society...

Perfected a process of mummification

'That was far better than the Egyptian method. '

- M-mummification? - Uh, mummification.

I have been trying to duplicate this process.

I've been working at it a very long time

In my odd moments.

And I think I...

Think I'm about to get out with.

Mmm. Smells good.

I have a pet theory, Mr. Kuryakin.

The way to make a good mummy is to start the treatment

While the subject is still alive.

Well, that's one theory.

But it's problematical.

I've never had an opportunity before... until now.

Now it will take a few minutes

For the solution to soak through to the pores.

Hot?

- Yes, thank you. - Hmm.

Well, I-it, it will cool very quickly.

Please be patient.

I, uh, don't wanna seem ungrateful

But, uh, whose style is this?

- It's my design. - Yes, isn't it?

The trick is not to inhale.

What are you thinking about?

Nothing melodramatic, I hope.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Let's go.

Um, let's wait a while.

Why?

My hair.

- What's wrong with your hair? - Oh, I don't know.

It's just not right. You recall how vain I am.

Um, I'll be in the powder room. Just be a minute.

All that mud in your hair.

I should have washed it first.

Mm-hmm.

I must say I don't know what to do about Alexander.

He used to listen to my... counsel.

And now he has changed.

He fears he's outgrown his need for me.

And now for the final step...

I must add some more tanis leaves.

It's very good for the facial tissue.

You wouldn't strike an old man, would you, Mr. Solo?

You've no respect for science, Mr. Solo.

Uh!

Well, he'll be out for a while.

What's that?

Aw.

Well, I suppose I'll just have to find myself a new tailor.

Mr. Alexander, your limousine is waiting outside.

Good, I'll be out in a moment.

Where is Mr. Solo?

Mr. Solo hasn't been delivered yet.

Gamar's taxicab is waiting outside also.

I assumed you had Mr. Solo here with you.

Alright, she's in the powder room.

Bring her in here.

Security alert.

Solo is on the farm somewhere.

Stalling for time, weren't you?

I'm just thorough. That's...

Ow!

Call the barn and tell them to have the plane on the airstrip

Ready for takeoff the minute I return.

Yes.

That's the alarm system.

- Where's Tracey? - Upstairs with Alexander.

Alright.

He's taking Tracey with him.

The embassy is at 24 Avenue F.

Take the northern route to avoid traffic.

We're being followed.

It's Gamar's taxicab.

It's probably Mr. Solo.

I doubt if he'll make any overt moves

As long as we have our guest here with us.

Code 4.

Clear channels two and three, Washington DC.

Washington Control.

'You sound suspiciously like New York, control. '

That's right.

Uh, tell Napoleon that, uh, Mr. Waverly let me tag along.

And we'll keep that date here in Washington.

I'll put you through to Mr. Waverly.

- Come in, please. - Kuryakin here, sir.

Napoleon and I are following Alexander's limousine.

We're approaching the interchange

Heading for Washington DC.

What is your precise destination?

We don't know yet.

I see. What do you suggest?

Alexander has a farm in Alexandria, Virginia

Which he uses as a base.

You should send some men down there and seal it off.

I hope Mr. Solo enjoys his drive.

The embassy is a couple of blocks this way

And it's a lovely night for a walk.

That's quite a party.

Alright, I'll divert them, you cover me.

Go.

Oh, terribly sorry. Wrong car.

'Get your eyes ready. Here they come. '

'Where are you going for your honeymoon?'

'We'll see you there. '

Bride and groom ready for a nice trip!

Bride and groom...

Let's go.

Happy honeymoon! Have a nice trip.

I knew it wouldn't last.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Good evenin'.

- Where is the president? - He'll come in in a moment.

His Excellency will be beside you on the platform.

Good. How are you?

Only minor bruises.

I think we've been decoyed.

Tracey left some directions.

"24 Avenue F."

Open Channel D, please.

We're on our way now to 24 Avenue F.

I think we better have the reinforcements.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This is the sixth month of the new government

And of President Sing-Mok.

But I am here to do something

Far more important than honoring the president.

And so I have broken every law of morality commandments

If you like... except one.

'And when I do that, I shall surely be'

'Alexander the Greater. '

He's going to kill the president!

Number six, "Thou shalt not kill. "

'You're late, Mr. Solo. '

In just a moment, a cable will arrive

At the embassy proclaiming a military takeover.

I shall be hailed as their savior.

I don't think so, Mr. Alexander.

We arrested the last of the insurrectionists

A short while ago.

'Naturally, they implicated you. '

A new protective vest...

'Made by one of your own companies I believe. '

A very fine... craftsmanship.

If you'll... please excuse us.

- Who's piloting that plane? - I don't know.

We thought we had all of Alexander's people.

Well, this has been one of those days.

Would you set the...

Plane on course for the Caribbean?

Thank you for your help, Mr. Kavon.

The truth is I...

Saved you for selfish reasons.

What are you talking about?

Do you really think that after all those years of...

Sacrifice...

And devotion...

Using my knowledge...

I would let you exist without me?

You old fool.

You should be grateful for the privilege

Of sharing in my conquests.

Put that thing down or you'll fall and hurt yourself.

And that was that.

I'm happy to say.

I'm going to miss him.

All in all, he gave me a pretty fast three years.

Even if he was a liar and...

A thief...

And a murderer of sorts.

He was never dumb.

And gratuity.

Well, I'll miss you most of all.

Now, it's, uh, time for me to disappear.

- I hope you'll understand. - Oh, I understand.

It's a habit of mine too.

Hm.

I've just had confirmation that the BG-30 Will Gas

Has been returned to the army.

Seems everything is in good order.

What a beautiful decoration!

Where did you get that?

Will Tracey get her money?

Not for sometime.

Alexander's empire will be in litigation

For years I'm afraid.

Zebra.

Sing-Mok is a single man, you know?

Yes. Well, I think she'll do rather well.

Cheerio.

Oh, Mr. Solo.

I thought I might find you here.

Yes, well, uh, you're certainly right.

- Uh... - 'Maude. '

Maude? Your name is Maude?

Yes, this is my niece.

Maude Waverly.

Your niece?

You know, somehow I've this distinct feeling

I have been duped here, uh...

I didn't really make any promises or dates, did I?

That's right, Napoleon.

Uncle Alex arranged this entire deception.

Well, with the amount of female traffic you handle

We figured... you couldn't keep them all straight in your mind.

Well, I've always been concerned that one day

Your outside interest would conflict

With your assignments, Mr. Solo.

So I recruited Maude here to keep those particular...

Energies focused on her.

And keep the rest of your time free for the Alexander affair.

Well, one good affair deserves another.

Cheers.