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1
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:17,379
Jump back, baby.
2
00:00:57,023 --> 00:01:01,483
Fritz, did you go down and
see the welfare people today?
3
00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:04,622
Yeah. They told me to report
someplace tomorrow.
4
00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:06,723
I got it written down
on a piece of paper, I think.
5
00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:08,666
Listen, are you gonna go?
6
00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:10,566
I don't know. Let's fuck.
7
00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:14,232
Then will you go out and
look for a job like you said?
8
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,333
What? Did I say that?
9
00:01:16,376 --> 00:01:19,436
Man, oh, man, am I stoned!
10
00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:23,006
How is it a grown man
can spend so much time...
11
00:01:23,049 --> 00:01:27,713
just dreaming about what
he's gonna do for his family?
12
00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:33,191
For Christ's sakes!
Will you come down to Earth?
13
00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:37,322
What we need is
the basic staff of life!
14
00:01:37,363 --> 00:01:38,728
Like grub!
15
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:42,826
I never saw anybody walking
around more stoned than you.
16
00:01:42,869 --> 00:01:44,700
Always stoned!
17
00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:47,467
Where do you get the money
to buy that grass?
18
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:48,769
Will you tell me?
19
00:01:48,808 --> 00:01:51,208
You and your Acapulco Gold.
20
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:53,644
You know what that is?
That's shit!
21
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:57,548
Which is what you are!
You are shit, Fritz!
22
00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:00,018
Here's something you don't know.
23
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:03,682
Harvey and I made it.
What do you think of that?
24
00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:06,624
We made it, and he's better
in bed than you are.
25
00:02:06,659 --> 00:02:09,423
You know why?
He's hung like a horse.
26
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:12,625
What about you?
You're nothing.
27
00:02:12,665 --> 00:02:14,326
You're nothing
in the living room.
28
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:15,925
You're nothing
in the bathroom.
29
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,493
You're nothing in bed.
30
00:02:17,537 --> 00:02:21,530
You don't even change the damn
roller on the toilet paper.
31
00:02:21,574 --> 00:02:23,633
I'm the one
that uses that mostly.
32
00:02:23,676 --> 00:02:24,836
And what about
putting the seat down?
33
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,106
Why don't you ever do that?
34
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:30,640
Why don't you take that
chicken-shit grin off your face?
35
00:02:30,683 --> 00:02:34,517
Fritz! You're a no-good!
36
00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:37,489
How much can a person take?
37
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,259
And why don't you ever
put the goddamn seat down...
38
00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:43,319
when you're through peeing?
39
00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:45,058
You rotten putz, you!
40
00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:47,396
That's all you do is sit around.
41
00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:50,664
I never saw anything like it
in my entire life!
42
00:02:50,703 --> 00:02:52,637
You know what
I would like to do to you?
43
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,902
I would like to take you
and shake you...
44
00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:58,604
until all your teeth
fall right onto the floor...
45
00:02:58,645 --> 00:03:00,010
and then you know what I'd do?
46
00:03:00,046 --> 00:03:01,809
I'd stamp on them,
all the teeth...
47
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,213
and I'd make them
right into powder.
48
00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:05,444
And then I'd sprinkle the powder
right over your head.
49
00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:08,682
And then I would knock you
right in the goddamn face!
50
00:03:08,721 --> 00:03:10,382
I'd like to pulverize you!
51
00:03:10,423 --> 00:03:11,720
I'd take your nose...
52
00:03:11,758 --> 00:03:13,919
and I'd put it across
the room on the wall.
53
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,361
I'd like to knock you
into next week sometimes!
54
00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:20,594
This is it, Fritz.
I'm really sore.
55
00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:23,101
Now, I'm really sore.
I am sick to death!
56
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,229
I'm gonna tell you one time
and one time only...
57
00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:27,000
so you better listen to me...
58
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,667
because if you don't
listen to me now...
59
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:29,902
I ain't gonna say it again.
60
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,207
I'll go out and get myself
a two by four...
61
00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:33,906
and beat your fucking head in!
62
00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:36,074
You are gonna pick up
after yourself.
63
00:03:36,115 --> 00:03:38,140
From now on, I'm through
picking up after you.
64
00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:41,415
And you will put the seat down
on that goddamn toilet!
65
00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:43,854
I'm telling you one time
and one time only.
66
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:46,984
You're a no-good bum,
and I've had it with you, Fritz!
67
00:03:47,026 --> 00:03:49,017
I have had it with you!
68
00:03:55,635 --> 00:03:57,466
And let me tell you
something else.
69
00:03:57,503 --> 00:03:59,403
I know you play around.
70
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:02,465
Don't try to lie to me.
71
00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:04,806
You don't even have
a guilty look on your face.
72
00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:06,072
You really don't give a goddamn.
73
00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:08,637
I know that
you're playing around.
74
00:04:08,681 --> 00:04:10,046
Don't think I haven't seen you.
75
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,108
I get telephone calls
from girls.
76
00:04:12,151 --> 00:04:14,642
They call me up.
God knows why they want you.
77
00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:18,179
Don't they know
how shitty you are in bed?!
78
00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:23,795
Hey, man, don't do that.
79
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:25,297
What? Do what?
80
00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:26,491
You know what I'm talking about.
81
00:04:26,532 --> 00:04:28,557
What the hell
are you laying on me, man?
82
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:30,432
I ain't laying
nothing on you, man.
83
00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:32,700
It's what you laid on me.
No need to be crude.
84
00:04:32,739 --> 00:04:34,730
God damn it,
you freaking out or something?
85
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:37,709
Look, Juan, if we can
just cash this welfare check...
86
00:04:37,744 --> 00:04:40,577
we can get us some Rip Bull
or maybe even some muscatel.
87
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,604
Kiss off, dude!
That's your problem.
88
00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:44,844
You ain't got the guts
to admit when you're wrong.
89
00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:47,512
You just passed gas at me, man,
and that's uncool.
90
00:04:47,553 --> 00:04:48,850
Oh, wow.
91
00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:51,516
Don't have the guts to confess
you're a goddamn coward.
92
00:04:51,557 --> 00:04:53,525
You're just like my sister.
93
00:04:53,559 --> 00:04:56,187
Well, you P.R.s
are hypersensitive, you know?
94
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:57,389
I thought you and me
were friends.
95
00:04:57,430 --> 00:04:59,261
A little wig out,
I'm a religion now, huh?
96
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,596
A P.R., huh? Nice.
97
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,157
Hey, about your sister,
Juan...
98
00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:03,896
does she have big tits?
99
00:05:06,572 --> 00:05:08,597
I wish you people
would learn to speak English.
100
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:09,938
Christ knows we were here first.
101
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:13,275
It's the only way I talk to
a man who has habits like a pig.
102
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:14,507
Man, don't be that way.
103
00:05:14,547 --> 00:05:16,811
Let's get some wine
and go see your sister...
104
00:05:16,849 --> 00:05:18,407
and maybe we can get it on.
105
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:21,386
Beats the hell out of
freezing our balls off, right?
106
00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:25,084
No deal, man.
I can't trust you no more.
107
00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:27,388
I can't let you
fuck my sister, you know?
108
00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:29,019
You got no class, man.
109
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:30,757
You wouldn't let me
fuck your sister.
110
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:32,321
Why should I let you
fuck mine?
111
00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:34,026
Listen, your sister
is some piece of ass.
112
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,661
I know, man. Yeah.
113
00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:38,170
My sister?
114
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:40,104
Wow, man,
I can't believe that.
115
00:05:40,139 --> 00:05:41,629
Yeah, man,
you better believe it.
116
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,302
She was a female creature
of tender passion...
117
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,778
of simple earthen charm,
you know?
118
00:05:46,813 --> 00:05:49,941
Wow, dude, that's good.
119
00:05:49,982 --> 00:05:52,280
Yeah, you could say that.
120
00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:54,752
Juan, you better get back
in the phone booth again.
121
00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:56,812
I feel a fart coming on.
122
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:10,664
Check it out.
123
00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:13,797
We done came
all the way across town...
124
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:17,970
done caught busses and cars
and hitchhiked to get here...
125
00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:19,534
then put on
our best clothes...
126
00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:21,171
so we can walk
in this neighborhood...
127
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:24,047
so we can get in one
of these white houses...
128
00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:26,711
to rip off one of them
$400 televisions...
129
00:06:26,753 --> 00:06:28,653
one of them $300 watches...
130
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,849
one of them
Panasonic, rena-sonic...
131
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:34,189
exto-sonic,
plesto-plastic stereos.
132
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:36,457
With the quadro-flex,
modu-lextic...
133
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:39,590
medu-modula needles
and shit...
134
00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:40,792
Big-time shit, man.
135
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:42,164
I ain't never heard
of nothing like that.
136
00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:44,226
You ain't in
this community, blood!
137
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:46,830
That's why we came here,
you know what I'm saying?
138
00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:48,534
You don't know
what you doing, man.
139
00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:51,566
I also be doing this big-time
organizing and shit.
140
00:06:51,611 --> 00:06:56,048
You ripping off washing machines
and toilet paper.
141
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:59,609
Unusual odd shit.
Now you know why we here.
142
00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:02,086
OK, now...
143
00:07:02,121 --> 00:07:04,715
we gonna crawl in this here
window, all right?
144
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:08,750
You take the downstairs,
and I'll take the upstairs.
145
00:07:08,795 --> 00:07:11,320
Why is it that I always
got to take the downstairs?
146
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,628
Beause you don't like
jumping out of windows, man.
147
00:07:13,666 --> 00:07:14,826
Shit!
148
00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:17,836
Now, will you
cut that out, Fritz?
149
00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:19,531
Hey!
150
00:07:21,207 --> 00:07:23,641
The beauty of cannabis.
151
00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:26,201
And then once we get inside,
get everything--
152
00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:28,873
don't get no washing machines--
then leave.
153
00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:30,177
Somebody's home!
154
00:07:30,216 --> 00:07:31,683
Doesn't it fill you with joy?
155
00:07:31,717 --> 00:07:33,048
Is that cat smoking?
156
00:07:33,085 --> 00:07:35,713
The unfettered exuberance,
the lust for life?
157
00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:37,222
It makes you...
158
00:07:37,256 --> 00:07:39,281
Look how
he's smoking weed.
159
00:07:39,325 --> 00:07:40,952
want to drop
your phony inhibitions...
160
00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:43,985
and love your fellow man?
161
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:46,464
Look at that chick
with them titties!
162
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:48,399
Or brother, maybe.
Doesn't it? Huh?
163
00:07:49,936 --> 00:07:51,403
It is Juan's sister.
164
00:07:51,437 --> 00:07:54,167
Don't you kind of see things
more clearly, huh?
165
00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:02,713
That's right.
Take a good, long drag, sis.
166
00:08:02,748 --> 00:08:04,648
Now breathe in the smoke.
Deep.
167
00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:07,152
It'll help clear your sinuses.
168
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:11,117
Hey, I feel light-headed.
169
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:19,627
That is Juan's sister, man!
170
00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:22,156
He's going to the store!
171
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,314
Looks like a feature film,
you know what I mean?
172
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,585
Right on.
173
00:09:09,448 --> 00:09:15,148
Will it really
expand my...awareness?
174
00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:17,280
Well, you know what they say...
175
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:20,383
"Take tea and see."
176
00:09:20,426 --> 00:09:22,758
Doesn't clear my sinuses at all.
177
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:30,157
Daddy says you're only good
for getting the papers.
178
00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:35,034
Is that all
you're good for, Fritz?
179
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,406
That's some kick, huh?
180
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:42,209
You know the most interesting
thing about smoking?
181
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,113
It causes
excessive perspiration...
182
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:46,175
and a person has to take
off all his clothes.
183
00:09:46,218 --> 00:09:48,345
Otherwise, he can drown
to death in his own juices.
184
00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:01,833
Now, this activity
is like artificial respiration.
185
00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:04,062
Smoke some more of this shit.
Fuck them.
186
00:10:06,305 --> 00:10:09,206
If I get up in this pad,
I got the downstairs--
187
00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:11,607
-Hold it in.
-I'll knock it out.
188
00:10:11,644 --> 00:10:13,407
You'd knock it out, you'd what?
189
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:19,351
I love my brother's friends.
190
00:10:19,385 --> 00:10:21,910
Man, he ought to put a bag
over that ugly bitch's head.
191
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:24,115
Stick her head
in the couch, man.
192
00:10:24,156 --> 00:10:25,919
Before I stick
my thing in her...
193
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:28,426
-Look at them fuck.
-Man, hold up.
194
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,426
Makes me kind of horny, man.
195
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,795
-Yeah.
-Let's rob.
196
00:10:32,832 --> 00:10:35,562
Duck, man. There's a car
coming up the driveway.
197
00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:37,967
I bet it's her old man.
198
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:42,967
Is this good for the liver?
199
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,439
Oh, Fritz. That's good!
200
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,709
Chita!
201
00:10:49,749 --> 00:10:51,273
That's the ugliest motherfucker.
202
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,477
Daddy!
203
00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:53,951
Look at
that snaggle-toothed...
204
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,181
big, greasy, fucking nasty pig.
205
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,918
Gee, pops, maybe I should
go get the papers, huh?
206
00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:02,951
Papers?! Why, you, you!
Little son of a bitch.
207
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,054
What do you want, pops,
News or the Times?
208
00:11:05,097 --> 00:11:07,395
Pink commie bastard!
209
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:11,729
Shit.
210
00:11:11,771 --> 00:11:14,205
I guess you killed him,
right in the ass.
211
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,606
I guess we can't
rob this pad today, huh?
212
00:11:16,642 --> 00:11:19,736
We'll come back tomorrow.
213
00:11:19,812 --> 00:11:22,337
My sister was once
in psychoanalysis.
214
00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:24,815
She says you're a boy
who would fuck his mother.
215
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,579
And what have you
done for Ralphie?
216
00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:28,644
Other than to teach him
how to masturbate?
217
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,088
And left-handed, no less.
218
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:28,909
You must be new around here.
219
00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:32,247
I haven't seen your face before.
220
00:12:32,284 --> 00:12:34,184
My old lady kicked me
out of the house.
221
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,189
I've had this streak
of bad luck lately...
222
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:39,453
and she's been making noise
I should go find work.
223
00:12:44,296 --> 00:12:48,357
What'd you say,
something about work?
224
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,096
Everybody knows
that's what kills a man.
225
00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:57,002
Starts out
with an eight-hour day...
226
00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:58,907
forty hours a week...
227
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:01,936
and, hell, boy,
before you know it...
228
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:06,111
you're married to some fine-ass
woman and buying a house.
229
00:13:10,322 --> 00:13:11,846
I'll help you.
230
00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:17,060
Yeah, that's terrible.
231
00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:18,927
Work is terrible.
232
00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:22,161
What the hell
do you get for it, anyway?
233
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:23,759
Jeez, I don't know.
234
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,328
It's just money is all.
It's evil.
235
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:28,203
I tell you, it's evil.
236
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,902
It all starts
from having to work.
237
00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:33,537
Now, if you
don't have to work...
238
00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:35,444
why, you don't get any money.
239
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,415
You know what I mean?
It's that simple.
240
00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:40,145
Yeah. That's what
I try to tell my old lady.
241
00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:43,121
She sent my ass down
to the welfare office again...
242
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:44,520
and those creeps
started to hit on me...
243
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:47,754
about receiving public
assistance for over a year...
244
00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:52,287
and here was my last--
Are you OK?
245
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:53,798
It's my last check and all...
246
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,095
and I had failed
to find employment again.
247
00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:57,967
It's just too much bullshit,
so I split.
248
00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:59,265
It doesn't pay
to hit the big time.
249
00:13:59,305 --> 00:14:01,899
-No.
-Yeah.
250
00:14:12,251 --> 00:14:13,741
Oh, wow.
251
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,585
Well, you got any plans, son?
252
00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:22,856
Oh, yeah.
I figured I'd settle down here.
253
00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:24,988
Get away from
all the zipper-heads uptown.
254
00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:28,659
Not get involved with all
the extemporaneous bullshit.
255
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,601
And, hey, by the way,
what's your name?
256
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:33,901
Oh, I'm God.
257
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,770
Wow, man, that is heavy.
258
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,935
You're really God, huh?
No shit?
259
00:14:46,518 --> 00:14:48,179
You OK?
260
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:52,122
I've been God for about
three and a half years now.
261
00:14:53,759 --> 00:14:56,284
A lot of responsibility,
you know.
262
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:02,994
I'll bet.
263
00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:05,765
Also, I'm black belt karate.
264
00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:08,568
No shit?
Wow, this really blows my mind.
265
00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:10,234
Me, I'm standing here
rapping with God.
266
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:12,244
Far out!
267
00:15:12,278 --> 00:15:14,246
You want to be my assistant?
268
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,645
Well...
269
00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:19,082
I might be forced
to give up my job.
270
00:15:21,553 --> 00:15:24,886
I can't keep busting my ass
this here way.
271
00:15:26,191 --> 00:15:29,786
Anyway, I've been into some
heavy gear in one of my lives.
272
00:15:29,828 --> 00:15:31,523
I got nine of them, pal.
273
00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:33,724
I got hung up with
the weirdest dude one time...
274
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,791
you could ever imagine.
275
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,468
This guy I'm thinking of
was really psycho...
276
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,497
you wouldn't believe it.
277
00:15:47,379 --> 00:15:49,404
Jesus.
278
00:16:07,733 --> 00:16:11,134
Wow, God, you really do
some weird shit, you know?
279
00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:22,547
Make the fucking world in
seven days--try it sometime.
280
00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:46,362
Work your vanilla!
281
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,166
Oh, the Yanks are coming!
282
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:58,715
And remember,
your fathers and mothers...
283
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:01,811
and all of your Fatherland
will be watching you.
284
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,789
Envying in the great glory...
285
00:17:04,823 --> 00:17:07,815
for which you
have been selected...
286
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:12,263
you all have promised
to die for the Fuhrer.
287
00:17:12,297 --> 00:17:14,822
Who wants to be next?
288
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:17,097
Ooh! Oh, Mama!
289
00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:19,866
Mama, was Papa
ever like this?
290
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:47,729
Mein Fuhrer, the bombs have
just killed your orderly!
291
00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:51,167
Ah, another orderly gone.
292
00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:53,535
Get me another one!
293
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,370
Order another orderly quickly!
294
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:58,035
Another orderly quickly!
295
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,635
Another orderly!
296
00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:02,374
Another orderly
for the Fuhrer!
297
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,439
Put up
an "Out of Orderly" sign!
298
00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:09,182
-Harder!
-I get excited! Good!
299
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:11,587
My Lenore!
300
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:14,353
My liebchen!
301
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:22,525
Ohh! Hans!
I mean, he was--ohh!
302
00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:24,365
Hans, I'm sorry. I--
303
00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:26,030
Stand aside!
304
00:18:26,071 --> 00:18:29,063
Oh, he was so wonderful!
Oh, Hans!
305
00:18:30,542 --> 00:18:32,373
I mean, he was--
306
00:18:32,411 --> 00:18:34,311
My aching swastika!
307
00:18:34,346 --> 00:18:36,678
I thought being a Nazi
as all "Sieg, Sieg"...
308
00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:38,945
and "Sieg Heil!"
This is for shit!
309
00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:40,918
I better get my ass
the fuck out of here.
310
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,250
War is hell!
311
00:18:58,170 --> 00:19:01,571
Mein Fuhrer, here are
the candidates for your orderly.
312
00:19:05,544 --> 00:19:06,977
Heil Hitler!
313
00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:09,503
Sieg heil!
314
00:19:09,548 --> 00:19:11,140
That one!
315
00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:12,411
I want that one!
316
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:14,681
Him! That's him!
317
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:32,262
Excuse me, Fuhrer.
I didn't mean to stare.
318
00:19:32,304 --> 00:19:35,603
What is it? You see
something missing maybe?
319
00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:37,836
No, no!
Everything's fine...
320
00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:40,037
but you've only
got one ball.
321
00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:43,741
Everybody in the Third Reich
has to do without something!
322
00:19:43,782 --> 00:19:45,249
I see.
323
00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:49,482
When the Fuhrer is naked,
everyone is naked!
324
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:53,480
Well, here I am, aren't l?
Hi.
325
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:56,756
Imbecile. Imbecile.
326
00:19:56,795 --> 00:20:00,788
Don't you know what is
expected of you now?
327
00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:03,392
What? I think
you dropped something.
328
00:20:03,435 --> 00:20:05,995
What? I dropped something?
329
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,233
I put the soap
in your hand, you see...
330
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:10,264
and you seem
to have let it go.
331
00:20:10,309 --> 00:20:12,174
Dropped it, like...
332
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:15,408
almost like you weren't
interested in washing at all!
333
00:20:15,447 --> 00:20:17,813
I was not conscious of this.
334
00:20:17,849 --> 00:20:19,840
It is simple to see,
Mein Fuhrer.
335
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,547
You're real motivations
are blocked here.
336
00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:26,046
Blocked?
What is blocked?
337
00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:27,581
It's a new word.
338
00:20:27,626 --> 00:20:29,457
It means what's inside
can't get outside.
339
00:20:29,494 --> 00:20:30,893
Some kind of
Freudian horseshit.
340
00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:34,365
Oh, inside, can't get out...
341
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,230
You're a nice boy.
342
00:20:38,937 --> 00:20:41,462
I'm going to make
a confession.
343
00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:45,533
Sometimes, I would like
to be a ballet dancer.
344
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,067
Really? No kidding?
345
00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:49,410
I often see myself in the opera.
346
00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:50,676
Oh, wow.
347
00:20:50,716 --> 00:20:52,616
And the people
are applauding me!
348
00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:54,346
Well, sure they would.
349
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:06,329
There you go! You see?
350
00:21:06,365 --> 00:21:08,196
That means this whole
number you're doing--
351
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:10,326
this conquest
of the world thing...
352
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:13,338
or whatever it is,
is just to get attention.
353
00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:16,068
Interesting
you should say that...
354
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,303
but I am washing, see, now?
355
00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:21,403
So why did I drop the soap?
356
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:24,574
Well, that,
my dear Herr Hitler...
357
00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:26,777
is a question
you must ask yourself...
358
00:21:26,818 --> 00:21:29,616
when you wrestle with
the true identity, you know.
359
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:32,180
I mean, in the dawning
of self-awareness...
360
00:21:32,224 --> 00:21:34,590
between you
and your pillow, man...
361
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:36,958
when after the labors
of sleepless nights...
362
00:21:36,995 --> 00:21:41,762
you gained the exalted heights
of the altar of truth!
363
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,461
You have insight.
364
00:21:43,502 --> 00:21:46,801
When I see something
I want, I grab it.
365
00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:48,135
Sure, why not?
366
00:21:48,173 --> 00:21:52,803
And my stomach doesn't stop
to ask my head if it's hungry.
367
00:21:52,844 --> 00:21:54,038
No, that figures.
368
00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:58,379
By the way,
what is your name?
369
00:21:58,417 --> 00:22:00,385
Fritz.
370
00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:05,914
Well, Fritz, you say
you once had three balls?
371
00:22:05,957 --> 00:22:07,185
Yeah.
372
00:22:07,225 --> 00:22:10,388
Would you like to try for one?
373
00:22:10,429 --> 00:22:13,057
I don't--Sir!
374
00:22:13,098 --> 00:22:15,566
Listen--OK, OK!
375
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,228
Now, look,
I'm gonna pick up the soap.
376
00:22:18,270 --> 00:22:20,067
I am. Just wait.
377
00:22:20,105 --> 00:22:23,404
I'm gonna bend over now.
Just...
378
00:22:23,442 --> 00:22:26,411
I'm gonna--
Hey, watch it, will ya?!
379
00:22:26,445 --> 00:22:28,743
Mein Fuhrer, wait!
380
00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:30,441
Oh, my God, wait!
381
00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:33,984
Ich bin der fuhrer!
382
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:42,391
Gee, Fuhrer,
now you got no balls.
383
00:22:42,427 --> 00:22:44,486
Mein Fuhrer!
384
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:49,489
Gentlemen,
we can no longer continue.
385
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:52,298
War is just
a question of balls.
386
00:22:52,337 --> 00:22:55,773
Ja, balls.
387
00:22:55,807 --> 00:22:58,742
Goebbels.
Goebbels, are you not...
388
00:22:58,777 --> 00:23:01,245
my most loyal
and truthful assistant?
389
00:23:01,279 --> 00:23:02,769
Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer.
390
00:23:02,814 --> 00:23:06,773
Did you not invent the slogan
which binds all us Nazis?
391
00:23:06,818 --> 00:23:08,217
Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer.
392
00:23:08,253 --> 00:23:09,777
And what is that slogan?
393
00:23:09,821 --> 00:23:11,015
Death before dishonor.
394
00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:13,957
What an asshole slogan.
395
00:23:13,992 --> 00:23:16,256
You can always
change the slogan.
396
00:23:24,536 --> 00:23:26,504
You must think
of Fraulein Braun.
397
00:23:26,538 --> 00:23:28,028
She needs you.
398
00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:30,132
Ja, think of Eva.
399
00:23:30,175 --> 00:23:32,439
How she would miss you, Adolf.
400
00:23:32,477 --> 00:23:34,775
That's right.
401
00:23:36,715 --> 00:23:40,151
After all,
who could take my place?
402
00:23:40,185 --> 00:23:41,982
Sieg heil!
403
00:24:52,791 --> 00:24:55,089
I got that Nazi rat bastard...
404
00:24:55,126 --> 00:24:57,094
right between
the crack in his ass!
405
00:24:57,128 --> 00:25:01,531
Now how do those sons of bitches
expect to win a war...
406
00:25:01,566 --> 00:25:03,898
when they're out of
goddamn uniform, huh?
407
00:25:07,539 --> 00:25:09,439
I don't have any time
to do anything for myself!
408
00:25:09,474 --> 00:25:12,068
I don't even have time
to get myself a new diaphragm!
409
00:25:12,110 --> 00:25:14,670
If you hold it up to the light,
you can see little pinholes.
410
00:25:14,713 --> 00:25:18,877
Fritz, I'm tired of
plugging it up with Chapstick!
411
00:25:26,725 --> 00:25:29,091
Out of my shop.
I won't cash your check...
412
00:25:29,127 --> 00:25:31,322
and there's no such thing
as a refund on those things...
413
00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:33,456
just 'cause you say
it don't fit quite right.
414
00:25:33,498 --> 00:25:35,591
But it's never been used, Niki.
415
00:25:35,634 --> 00:25:37,158
I'll even take
a prorated refund.
416
00:25:37,202 --> 00:25:38,601
It was used!
417
00:25:42,974 --> 00:25:46,000
Well, only a little, a quickie.
418
00:25:46,044 --> 00:25:48,842
And I bet I know who this
was used on, too, huh?
419
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,178
OK, Niki, you're on.
Try to guess who.
420
00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:54,344
Let's see now.
With your filthy taste...
421
00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:56,320
Iet's see,
it must be a fat one, right?
422
00:25:56,354 --> 00:25:59,187
Yeah, right. Go on.
423
00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:03,058
And I just bet she sweat a lot,
and she smell like a goat, huh?
424
00:26:03,094 --> 00:26:04,356
Right.
425
00:26:05,363 --> 00:26:08,298
And she's got bad breath,
no teeth?
426
00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:10,699
Yes! Go on!
You're getting warmer!
427
00:26:10,735 --> 00:26:13,761
And she's got big, hairy...
428
00:26:13,805 --> 00:26:17,366
goddamn moustache
on the top lip!
429
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:20,469
Oh, you got me, Niki.
You got me nailed, man.
430
00:26:20,512 --> 00:26:21,809
And I'll bet...
431
00:26:21,846 --> 00:26:25,179
that fucking whore been with
every guy on this block, right?
432
00:26:25,216 --> 00:26:26,410
Right!
433
00:26:27,686 --> 00:26:30,177
Niki, you're a genius!
434
00:26:31,323 --> 00:26:35,089
Niki, you only left out
one thing.
435
00:26:35,126 --> 00:26:37,185
What did I leave out, Fritz?
436
00:26:37,228 --> 00:26:40,197
You know what?
She's got the clap!
437
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:45,369
That's right!
438
00:26:45,403 --> 00:26:47,894
How could I skip that?
That's a nice one.
439
00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:49,566
She got to have the clap, right?
440
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:51,576
She has to.
441
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:53,840
-Hey, Fritz.
-Shit.
442
00:26:53,878 --> 00:26:56,574
Fritz, I'll tell you something.
You're not so bad, you know?
443
00:26:56,615 --> 00:27:00,051
Maybe I'll cash your check
after all.
444
00:27:00,085 --> 00:27:02,815
Hey, Fritz, tell me...
445
00:27:02,854 --> 00:27:04,845
what's this fat
whore pig's name, huh?
446
00:27:04,889 --> 00:27:07,790
-What's the broad's name?
-Gina.
447
00:27:07,826 --> 00:27:09,054
-Hey, Fritz.
-What?
448
00:27:09,094 --> 00:27:10,789
That's a-my wife's name.
449
00:27:10,829 --> 00:27:13,559
Gina is my wife's name.
She don't have the clap.
450
00:27:16,034 --> 00:27:17,467
She does now.
451
00:27:17,502 --> 00:27:19,129
Why, you--
452
00:27:19,170 --> 00:27:21,229
You fucking cat,
I rip your balls off!
453
00:27:21,272 --> 00:27:22,864
Get the fuck out of my shop!
454
00:27:22,907 --> 00:27:25,637
Fuck off! You fucking cat!
455
00:27:25,677 --> 00:27:28,237
I kill you!
I fuck you in the ass!
456
00:27:28,279 --> 00:27:30,406
Fritz, man, what's
all this noise about, man?
457
00:27:30,448 --> 00:27:32,609
I can hear all the way
from the alley.
458
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:35,586
Don't even come here!
459
00:27:35,620 --> 00:27:37,713
Aw, nothing.
Niki can't take a joke.
460
00:27:37,756 --> 00:27:39,280
He takes things too seriously.
461
00:27:39,324 --> 00:27:40,985
It's hard not to around here.
462
00:27:41,026 --> 00:27:42,960
Gets pretty fucking
deadly sometimes.
463
00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:46,725
I heard it was better years ago,
you know what I mean?
464
00:27:46,765 --> 00:27:49,393
But, Lenny, things have
always been, more or less...
465
00:27:49,434 --> 00:27:50,799
up-and-down situation.
466
00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:53,269
This street wasn't always
a shit-house, let me tell ya.
467
00:27:53,304 --> 00:27:54,828
And even as far back
as the thirties...
468
00:27:54,873 --> 00:27:56,465
there were those who gave
and those that took.
469
00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:59,875
Aw, Fritz, but what do I do
with this here thing?
470
00:27:59,911 --> 00:28:02,141
You can have it.
I'm done with it anyway.
471
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:03,841
When I was
back in the thirties...
472
00:28:03,882 --> 00:28:06,544
I was one very sharp
continental-type stud.
473
00:28:27,205 --> 00:28:31,141
The only thing we have
to fear is...
474
00:28:31,176 --> 00:28:32,700
fear itself.
475
00:29:00,338 --> 00:29:02,704
People must have faith.
476
00:29:05,710 --> 00:29:08,804
Together...we cannot fail.
477
00:29:25,897 --> 00:29:30,834
And it is up to you...
to support...and make it work.
478
00:34:27,867 --> 00:34:29,357
Hey, putz!
479
00:34:29,402 --> 00:34:31,597
Your idea of helping out
with the gas shortage...
480
00:34:31,638 --> 00:34:33,970
was to stop eating pizza...
481
00:34:34,007 --> 00:34:35,975
and bring home
four of your hooker friends...
482
00:34:36,009 --> 00:34:38,807
to sleep with us at night
to stimulate heat.
483
00:34:40,180 --> 00:34:41,909
Look, I don't know
how you can own a business...
484
00:34:41,948 --> 00:34:43,506
and not be able to cash...
485
00:34:43,550 --> 00:34:46,075
this miserable pittance
of a welfare check is all.
486
00:34:46,119 --> 00:34:47,916
If I give you all my money...
487
00:34:47,954 --> 00:34:50,422
I'll have nothing left
to buy with.
488
00:34:50,457 --> 00:34:52,789
Oh, Christ,
then you are in luck, Morris.
489
00:34:52,826 --> 00:34:55,056
Look at this. Knowing of
your love for the unusual...
490
00:34:55,095 --> 00:34:57,931
I've brought you something
you won't be able to resist.
491
00:34:57,931 --> 00:34:59,091
-I know it.
-Resist?
492
00:34:59,132 --> 00:35:00,622
Believe me, I could resist.
493
00:35:00,667 --> 00:35:04,159
Just look at it, Morris--
the design, the gentle contours.
494
00:35:04,204 --> 00:35:06,502
Why, it's almost Louis Quinze
for Christ's sake.
495
00:35:06,539 --> 00:35:09,406
It's disgusting,
for Christ's sake.
496
00:35:09,442 --> 00:35:11,672
It's the type of item
that will sell so fast...
497
00:35:11,711 --> 00:35:14,646
you'll be pleading for more
inside of a week, believe me.
498
00:35:17,283 --> 00:35:19,751
It's been used. I can tell.
499
00:35:19,786 --> 00:35:21,686
What? Used?
By a little old lady.
500
00:35:21,721 --> 00:35:24,053
A one-owner shitter--
and genteel.
501
00:35:24,090 --> 00:35:26,422
That's gentile,
you stupid bastard.
502
00:35:26,459 --> 00:35:27,687
Don't get hosteel.
503
00:35:27,727 --> 00:35:28,955
That's "hostile."
504
00:35:28,995 --> 00:35:30,553
You're taking
the wrong approach, Morris.
505
00:35:30,597 --> 00:35:32,861
Now, some of my best friends
are Jewish.
506
00:35:32,899 --> 00:35:35,493
Do I look like
the Chase Manhattan Bank?
507
00:35:35,535 --> 00:35:38,527
You come in here with
out-of-money look in your face.
508
00:35:38,571 --> 00:35:41,039
Look like you got hit in
the head with a foul pitch...
509
00:35:41,074 --> 00:35:43,099
and you want to sell me this.
510
00:35:43,143 --> 00:35:45,805
But with inflation, the value
of a dollar going down...
511
00:35:45,845 --> 00:35:47,745
my expenses skyrocketing...
512
00:35:47,780 --> 00:35:51,409
Why, even this week, the price
of a decent circumcision...
513
00:35:51,451 --> 00:35:53,442
something I shudder
to think about.
514
00:35:53,486 --> 00:35:55,078
I agree with you there...
515
00:35:55,121 --> 00:35:58,557
but what's that got to do
with my toilet seat?
516
00:36:01,060 --> 00:36:04,188
That's the point, my friend.
517
00:36:04,230 --> 00:36:06,721
My old seder
used to say to me...
518
00:36:06,766 --> 00:36:10,793
"Morris, take a pickle.
It's made for eating."
519
00:36:10,837 --> 00:36:13,897
The thing you're holding
is made for shitting.
520
00:36:13,940 --> 00:36:15,669
It's simple logic.
521
00:36:15,708 --> 00:36:17,369
You could even be a Rockefeller.
522
00:36:17,410 --> 00:36:20,937
It's tough to find
a good pickle.
523
00:36:23,149 --> 00:36:27,313
Socioeconomically speaking,
you're absolutely correct, but--
524
00:36:27,353 --> 00:36:29,321
Look, Fritz...
525
00:36:29,355 --> 00:36:31,414
the pickles are beginning
to get to me.
526
00:36:31,457 --> 00:36:35,120
And these days, a soft stool
is too important to me...
527
00:36:35,161 --> 00:36:38,153
for something to quibble,
so I'll make you a deal.
528
00:36:38,198 --> 00:36:39,825
Tell you what I'm going to do.
529
00:36:39,866 --> 00:36:43,097
You give me the seat,
I'll trade for you a bargain.
530
00:36:47,373 --> 00:36:50,365
Where did you get this thing?
531
00:36:51,411 --> 00:36:54,938
Questions--youth,
all the time, questions.
532
00:36:54,981 --> 00:36:57,142
Nowadays people
don't know an opportunity...
533
00:36:57,183 --> 00:36:59,151
when it smacks them
upside of the face.
534
00:36:59,185 --> 00:37:01,085
I think I've been screwed.
535
00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:03,714
With that, you could be
the next man on the moon.
536
00:37:03,756 --> 00:37:05,917
Fuck the moon.
I been further than that once.
537
00:37:05,959 --> 00:37:08,189
That's no big deal.
I'd rather take a shit.
538
00:37:08,228 --> 00:37:09,718
So would l.
Give me the seat.
539
00:37:09,762 --> 00:37:11,195
I'm going to hit you
on the top of the head.
540
00:37:11,231 --> 00:37:14,394
This should cure you.
Here we go. I say heal!
541
00:37:14,434 --> 00:37:16,493
Heal, Mr. Cobbs, heal!
542
00:37:16,536 --> 00:37:19,004
Through the power vested
in me by God, Jesus Christ...
543
00:37:19,038 --> 00:37:20,505
I'm going to heal you, Mr. Cobb.
544
00:37:20,607 --> 00:37:22,268
Hello, world.
545
00:37:22,308 --> 00:37:25,471
This is the event
mankind has been waiting for--
546
00:37:25,511 --> 00:37:28,446
the first man launched to Mars.
547
00:37:28,481 --> 00:37:32,247
Fritz, I got to tell you
something right out in front.
548
00:37:32,285 --> 00:37:34,378
If it wouldn't be
for this fucking cold...
549
00:37:34,420 --> 00:37:37,412
I'd be going
all the way to Mars with you.
550
00:37:37,457 --> 00:37:40,221
39 million miles--a drop kick.
551
00:37:40,260 --> 00:37:42,888
But the doc says
I can't fly with this cold.
552
00:37:42,929 --> 00:37:44,419
It's bad for the ears.
553
00:37:44,464 --> 00:37:46,694
He said something about me
popping a drum or something...
554
00:37:46,733 --> 00:37:49,600
I don't know.
555
00:37:51,237 --> 00:37:52,966
Jeez, I got to get
some more Binaca.
556
00:37:53,006 --> 00:37:55,531
Put that in my bring-ups,
will you?
557
00:37:55,575 --> 00:37:57,065
Fritz, you know
how I hate to bother you...
558
00:37:57,110 --> 00:37:58,634
when you're
getting near the pad...
559
00:37:58,678 --> 00:38:01,772
but we got to make a decision
on the Poli-Grip account.
560
00:38:01,814 --> 00:38:03,805
I can see you with
a package of five spots...
561
00:38:03,850 --> 00:38:06,250
for the Japanese
and Taiwan market.
562
00:38:06,286 --> 00:38:09,119
Incidentally,
the residuals will be unreal.
563
00:38:09,155 --> 00:38:11,851
It's eight million yen
for every thirteen-week cycle...
564
00:38:11,891 --> 00:38:13,290
and you don't
have to declare it.
565
00:38:13,326 --> 00:38:15,453
You know,
there's a whole cult...
566
00:38:15,495 --> 00:38:17,429
of denture-adhesive freaks
out there...
567
00:38:17,463 --> 00:38:18,862
just waiting for a leader.
568
00:38:18,898 --> 00:38:21,128
Some of them
still got their own teeth.
569
00:38:21,167 --> 00:38:23,727
Am I bothering you
with all this, Fritz?
570
00:38:23,770 --> 00:38:25,670
My God, Fritz,
I got to get some air in here.
571
00:38:25,705 --> 00:38:28,333
I feel myself slipping away.
572
00:38:28,374 --> 00:38:29,705
Now, I know
you're against charities...
573
00:38:29,742 --> 00:38:31,232
and benefits and freebies...
574
00:38:31,277 --> 00:38:33,438
but hear me out
on this one, Fritzie.
575
00:38:33,479 --> 00:38:35,947
There's a nationwide
charity telethon coming up...
576
00:38:35,982 --> 00:38:37,813
the first of next month...
577
00:38:37,850 --> 00:38:40,250
for the further development
of all-vegetable...
578
00:38:40,286 --> 00:38:44,222
organically-grown
polyunsaturated Preparation H--
579
00:38:44,257 --> 00:38:45,485
with suntan oil.
580
00:38:45,525 --> 00:38:48,221
Jerry Lewis is going
to be there--everybody.
581
00:38:48,261 --> 00:38:50,695
And before you shut me off,
I got to tell you...
582
00:38:50,730 --> 00:38:53,699
the exposure will be
sensational for you.
583
00:38:53,733 --> 00:38:55,064
And we might even have
a spin-off...
584
00:38:55,101 --> 00:38:56,500
on a new movie
that's coming out...
585
00:38:56,536 --> 00:38:59,471
with Frankie Avalon
and Annette Funicello...
586
00:38:59,505 --> 00:39:01,336
called "Beach Ball Piles."
587
00:39:01,374 --> 00:39:04,639
Well, Fritz, I see
we arrived at the pad...
588
00:39:04,677 --> 00:39:06,235
so this will give you
some things to think about...
589
00:39:06,279 --> 00:39:08,304
on a 39-million mile trip.
590
00:39:08,348 --> 00:39:11,181
And remember, Fritz, sweetheart,
I'd be with you all the way...
591
00:39:11,217 --> 00:39:13,651
it wouldn't be
for this fucking cold.
592
00:39:16,189 --> 00:39:18,817
Hot damn.
That chick wouldn't look bad...
593
00:39:18,858 --> 00:39:20,917
holding up a Hershey's bar,
would she?
594
00:39:22,295 --> 00:39:23,785
With nuts.
595
00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:30,826
Ah, freedom of the press.
596
00:39:30,870 --> 00:39:33,134
Jeez, I feel sorry
for the poor slob.
597
00:39:33,172 --> 00:39:35,197
I wouldn't make that trip
with him with six points.
598
00:39:35,241 --> 00:39:37,971
Hey, Fritz, baby,
want to talk to Walter?
599
00:39:38,010 --> 00:39:39,637
Sure. Why not?
600
00:39:39,679 --> 00:39:43,115
Fritz, does being the first
to set foot on Mars--
601
00:39:43,149 --> 00:39:45,379
golly--kind of give you
goose bumps?
602
00:39:45,418 --> 00:39:48,444
Ahem. Gentlemen,
I've been up and down...
603
00:39:48,488 --> 00:39:50,479
the four corners
of this big old world...
604
00:39:50,523 --> 00:39:53,014
and I've seen it all,
and I've done it all.
605
00:39:53,059 --> 00:39:56,654
I've fought many a good man
and laid many a good woman.
606
00:39:56,696 --> 00:39:59,631
And I've had riches, fame,
and adventure, too.
607
00:39:59,665 --> 00:40:02,225
Yes. I've stood
eyeball-to-eyeball with death...
608
00:40:02,268 --> 00:40:06,637
countless times
and never, never once squinted.
609
00:40:06,672 --> 00:40:08,970
Oh, I've tasted life
to the fullest...
610
00:40:09,008 --> 00:40:12,034
and still my tortured soul
cries out--more!
611
00:40:12,078 --> 00:40:17,482
More! Oh, shit!
God, can there be any more?
612
00:40:17,517 --> 00:40:19,883
How do it feel, Fritz?
613
00:40:19,919 --> 00:40:22,649
I mean,
Mars ain't around the corner.
614
00:40:22,688 --> 00:40:24,519
You're so right.
615
00:40:24,557 --> 00:40:27,526
Hey, would you like
to discuss this in private?
616
00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:30,256
Gee, you got
a lovely pair of eyes.
617
00:40:30,296 --> 00:40:31,729
In private?
618
00:40:31,764 --> 00:40:32,924
Sure. Listen, doll...
619
00:40:32,965 --> 00:40:34,592
I'd kind of like
to give you a break.
620
00:40:34,634 --> 00:40:36,499
You know,
kind of help pay back...
621
00:40:36,536 --> 00:40:38,629
for what my people
did to your people.
622
00:40:38,671 --> 00:40:40,730
Yeah? What kind of a break?
623
00:40:40,773 --> 00:40:44,504
Well, you know, an exclusive--
an inside story.
624
00:40:44,544 --> 00:40:48,173
Fritz, wait a second!
Wait! Come on, what about us?
625
00:40:48,214 --> 00:40:52,173
What about a statement?
Give us a break, man, come on.
626
00:41:36,229 --> 00:41:38,220
Baby.
627
00:41:46,606 --> 00:41:49,166
We interrupt this telecast
of the first flight to Mars...
628
00:41:49,208 --> 00:41:51,267
for a message
of real importance.
629
00:41:51,310 --> 00:41:54,905
As chairman of the board
of the Golf Oil company...
630
00:41:54,947 --> 00:41:58,610
with its 13,000 dealers
from coast-to-coast...
631
00:41:58,651 --> 00:42:02,781
I want to welcome you all
to this momentous event.
632
00:42:02,822 --> 00:42:06,553
When you drive into
one of our Golf stations...
633
00:42:06,592 --> 00:42:10,221
say howdy to the man
who polishes your window...
634
00:42:10,263 --> 00:42:14,529
and we'll say howdy
right back at you.
635
00:42:16,636 --> 00:42:17,830
At this very minute...
636
00:42:17,870 --> 00:42:20,839
you can look at one
of our own Golf refineries...
637
00:42:20,873 --> 00:42:25,333
pumping away seven days a week,
twenty-four hours a day...
638
00:42:25,378 --> 00:42:28,404
filling your tanks
with gasoline.
639
00:42:28,447 --> 00:42:32,110
We at Golf Oil are
bringing you this telecast...
640
00:42:32,151 --> 00:42:36,053
in appreciation of the millions
of happy Golf customers...
641
00:42:36,088 --> 00:42:38,852
when they say, "Fill 'er up."
642
00:42:38,891 --> 00:42:40,324
What's that I hear?
643
00:42:43,563 --> 00:42:47,294
Jeez, look at the money
they put in that rocket.
644
00:42:47,333 --> 00:42:48,823
You could buy time
on "The Waltons"...
645
00:42:48,868 --> 00:42:50,893
for a year
with that kind of bread.
646
00:42:53,706 --> 00:42:55,731
I wonder how you put a deal
like that together.
647
00:42:55,775 --> 00:42:57,766
That's fascinating.
648
00:43:02,415 --> 00:43:04,144
We have ignition.
649
00:43:07,420 --> 00:43:09,012
Me, too!
650
00:43:09,055 --> 00:43:10,579
Baby!
651
00:43:16,429 --> 00:43:18,158
So unbelievable.
652
00:43:18,197 --> 00:43:20,597
My brother-in-law would like
a rocket like that.
653
00:43:24,904 --> 00:43:26,394
Shit.
654
00:43:38,417 --> 00:43:39,975
That's fascinating.
655
00:43:47,860 --> 00:43:49,259
Gee, look at that.
656
00:43:49,295 --> 00:43:50,819
Well, there he goes.
657
00:43:50,863 --> 00:43:52,956
When he gets back,
we'll make millions.
658
00:44:13,853 --> 00:44:16,754
Jeez, I hope they got
that explosion on tape.
659
00:44:16,789 --> 00:44:20,316
It'd be perfect
for our forest lawn spots.
660
00:44:42,815 --> 00:44:44,578
Mr. Cobb. Heal, Mr. Cobb.
661
00:44:44,617 --> 00:44:46,141
Yeah. Heal.
662
00:44:46,185 --> 00:44:48,585
Through the power vested
in me by God, Jesus Christ...
663
00:44:48,621 --> 00:44:51,351
I'm going to heal you, Mr. Cobb.
664
00:45:34,934 --> 00:45:37,664
Let me make one thing
very clear--
665
00:45:37,703 --> 00:45:40,137
I am not a crook.
666
00:45:40,206 --> 00:45:41,798
Why don't you climb up
off your ass?
667
00:45:41,841 --> 00:45:43,331
Remember I was telling you
you should get to be...
668
00:45:43,375 --> 00:45:45,275
a contestant
on "Let's Make a Deal"?
669
00:45:45,311 --> 00:45:47,336
I'll tell you what.
You dress up like a frog.
670
00:45:47,379 --> 00:45:49,506
You look good in green.
And wear a yarmulke.
671
00:45:49,548 --> 00:45:51,140
I think he likes Jewish people.
672
00:45:57,957 --> 00:46:02,189
Man, am I hung up,
strung out, and uptight.
673
00:46:04,230 --> 00:46:07,563
Hey. God damn it,
I know that laugh.
674
00:46:13,239 --> 00:46:16,572
Man, it couldn't be.
675
00:46:18,043 --> 00:46:20,739
Hey, man. You in a bag.
676
00:46:20,780 --> 00:46:24,409
Hey, Duke, is it really you?
677
00:46:24,450 --> 00:46:25,610
No shit.
678
00:46:25,651 --> 00:46:27,881
But I thought you were dead.
I thought they got you.
679
00:46:28,988 --> 00:46:31,718
Fritz, you ain't changed a bit.
680
00:46:31,757 --> 00:46:34,692
You still don't know
where it's at.
681
00:46:34,727 --> 00:46:36,820
What are you doing
down here, anyway?
682
00:46:36,862 --> 00:46:40,298
I'm looking for the true meaning
of my existence, as usual.
683
00:46:40,332 --> 00:46:42,266
I got tired of
the pseudointellectuals...
684
00:46:42,301 --> 00:46:45,270
and the super-hype bullshitters
running the world...
685
00:46:45,304 --> 00:46:47,568
determining my destiny.
686
00:46:47,606 --> 00:46:50,541
You dig it?
And crushing my creative juices?
687
00:46:53,312 --> 00:46:54,939
Now lay the straight line on me.
688
00:46:54,980 --> 00:46:57,210
My old lady kicked my ass out.
689
00:46:57,249 --> 00:46:58,773
That's what I figured.
690
00:46:58,818 --> 00:47:00,115
But you know, Duke...
691
00:47:00,152 --> 00:47:04,384
it's going to be better
for all of us, really.
692
00:47:04,423 --> 00:47:05,720
No shit.
693
00:47:10,095 --> 00:47:12,359
Ain't I heard that
somewhere before?
694
00:47:12,398 --> 00:47:14,059
That's no bullshit.
695
00:47:14,099 --> 00:47:16,533
There's better days ahead,
I kid you not.
696
00:47:16,569 --> 00:47:19,834
We brothers got some great times
rolling our way, man.
697
00:47:21,473 --> 00:47:24,203
-Now you brothers, huh?
-Right on.
698
00:47:24,243 --> 00:47:26,177
Shit. No telling
how black we'll be...
699
00:47:26,212 --> 00:47:27,975
by the time
this little chat ends.
700
00:47:28,013 --> 00:47:29,913
Take my word for it. I know.
701
00:47:29,949 --> 00:47:32,509
Hey, Duke, you ever
hear of New Jersey?
702
00:47:33,552 --> 00:47:35,782
Sure.
703
00:47:35,821 --> 00:47:37,345
You ever heard
of Ray Charles?
704
00:47:37,389 --> 00:47:39,653
Yeah. Hey, and I'll tell you...
705
00:47:39,692 --> 00:47:41,887
you crows are finally
going to come into your own.
706
00:47:41,927 --> 00:47:43,224
You wait and see.
707
00:47:43,262 --> 00:47:46,527
Jive sucker come into
the ghetto, talking some stuff.
708
00:47:46,565 --> 00:47:49,557
Ought to cut the jive mother.
709
00:48:00,546 --> 00:48:01,843
Twenty-five.
710
00:48:01,881 --> 00:48:05,214
Ready, aim, fire!
711
00:48:06,218 --> 00:48:08,652
Twenty-six.
712
00:48:25,070 --> 00:48:28,198
Hey, man, your number's up.
713
00:48:28,240 --> 00:48:30,140
Come on, let's get to this.
714
00:48:30,175 --> 00:48:32,973
But--look, please, sir...
715
00:48:33,012 --> 00:48:35,708
you got the wrong guy, see?
716
00:48:35,748 --> 00:48:38,876
Don't push!
717
00:48:38,918 --> 00:48:41,910
At least let me tell you
the way it happened, fella, huh?
718
00:48:45,291 --> 00:48:47,191
Go over to the White House
and pick up a package.
719
00:48:47,226 --> 00:48:48,921
Yes, sir.
720
00:48:53,098 --> 00:48:54,463
Mr. President.
721
00:48:54,500 --> 00:48:55,899
You've got to do something.
722
00:48:55,935 --> 00:49:01,237
Believe me, there's
nothing to worry about.
723
00:49:01,273 --> 00:49:03,366
Nothing to worry about?
724
00:49:03,409 --> 00:49:06,037
This--what's his name...
725
00:49:06,078 --> 00:49:07,238
Imaku.
726
00:49:07,279 --> 00:49:08,610
Whatever--is suggesting...
727
00:49:08,647 --> 00:49:11,480
that New Africa make
a federation with Cuba...
728
00:49:11,517 --> 00:49:14,350
China, Africa,
and Northern lreland.
729
00:49:14,386 --> 00:49:16,183
I never did trust a nigger.
730
00:49:16,221 --> 00:49:18,712
But you voted in favor
of giving them New Jersey.
731
00:49:18,757 --> 00:49:20,884
The final solution
to the schwartzen problem...
732
00:49:20,926 --> 00:49:22,120
you said.
733
00:49:22,161 --> 00:49:23,958
And we get rid
of the Puerto Ricans...
734
00:49:23,996 --> 00:49:25,657
and you can't get
a decent shoeshine...
735
00:49:25,698 --> 00:49:27,063
in the whole of America.
736
00:49:27,099 --> 00:49:31,126
I haven't seen a decent
football game in ten years.
737
00:49:31,170 --> 00:49:33,195
Honduras beat us
in the Olympics.
738
00:49:33,238 --> 00:49:35,001
You know what that means?
739
00:49:35,040 --> 00:49:37,065
We have a whole country
full of niggers--
740
00:49:37,109 --> 00:49:40,078
angry niggers, right across
the river from New York.
741
00:49:40,112 --> 00:49:42,205
They could fart
and destroy Washington.
742
00:49:46,118 --> 00:49:48,746
All we have to do...
743
00:49:48,787 --> 00:49:52,348
is keep President
Supreme Jackson in office.
744
00:49:54,460 --> 00:49:55,620
Come in.
745
00:49:55,661 --> 00:49:57,925
Mr. President,
I'm from the messenger service.
746
00:49:57,963 --> 00:49:59,123
It's about time.
747
00:49:59,164 --> 00:50:00,927
Now, deliver this
to President Supreme Jackson.
748
00:50:00,966 --> 00:50:03,901
In New Jersey?
I mean, New Africa?
749
00:50:03,936 --> 00:50:05,267
Well, that's where he is.
750
00:50:05,304 --> 00:50:09,707
But I heard these crows don't
let whites in their country.
751
00:50:09,742 --> 00:50:11,642
How long have you been...
752
00:50:11,677 --> 00:50:13,269
with the Red Arrow
delivery service?
753
00:50:13,312 --> 00:50:16,281
Today's my first day.
I used to be on welfare.
754
00:50:21,153 --> 00:50:24,145
Go to the motor pool
and get a car and a pass.
755
00:50:24,189 --> 00:50:25,349
Yes, sir.
756
00:50:25,391 --> 00:50:27,518
Remember, this is important...
757
00:50:27,559 --> 00:50:29,186
to our national security,
so don't fail.
758
00:50:29,228 --> 00:50:30,490
I won't fail, sir.
759
00:50:30,529 --> 00:50:32,622
Please.
Stop kissing my hand.
760
00:50:32,664 --> 00:50:35,656
-Yes, sir.
-And touching my palms.
761
00:50:37,970 --> 00:50:39,130
Can I help you?
762
00:50:39,171 --> 00:50:41,139
I want to see
the man in charge.
763
00:50:41,173 --> 00:50:42,470
I'm in charge here.
764
00:50:42,508 --> 00:50:45,671
I came to get a car
and a pass into New Africa.
765
00:50:45,711 --> 00:50:49,010
OK, I'll get you a car
and a pass to Niggerville.
766
00:50:50,682 --> 00:50:53,344
This is a rotary engine Mazda.
767
00:50:53,385 --> 00:50:55,649
Them niggers will steal
anything they can.
768
00:50:55,687 --> 00:50:58,986
No sense in risking a new car
to go over there.
769
00:50:59,024 --> 00:51:00,787
We ain't got anybody
to wash 'em up no more.
770
00:51:00,826 --> 00:51:02,316
Here you go.
771
00:51:03,395 --> 00:51:05,659
Thanks.
772
00:51:05,697 --> 00:51:07,460
Come here.
773
00:51:07,499 --> 00:51:12,027
If you're going to New Africa...
774
00:51:12,071 --> 00:51:15,905
I got a wife and kid over there.
775
00:51:15,941 --> 00:51:17,568
They had to go
with their people...
776
00:51:17,609 --> 00:51:19,372
when they gave the blacks
New Jersey.
777
00:51:19,411 --> 00:51:22,005
-No shit?
-Could you kind of--
778
00:51:22,047 --> 00:51:23,309
Well, there's a lot of blacks.
779
00:51:23,348 --> 00:51:25,009
You were married
to a colored woman?
780
00:51:25,050 --> 00:51:27,348
Shit. That's ten years
in the slammer.
781
00:51:27,386 --> 00:51:30,355
Yeah. Look, I don't expect you
to look for 'em...
782
00:51:30,389 --> 00:51:33,017
but if you should
happen to see 'em...
783
00:51:33,058 --> 00:51:34,685
will you tell 'em l--
784
00:51:34,726 --> 00:51:36,626
tell 'em I said hi.
785
00:51:46,271 --> 00:51:50,765
I wonder if they're
still over there?
786
00:51:52,811 --> 00:51:55,177
OK. Your pass is good. Go on.
787
00:51:55,214 --> 00:51:58,513
Oh, hey, how do I find
President Supreme Jackson?
788
00:51:58,550 --> 00:52:01,519
Wave a dollar bill.
789
00:52:01,553 --> 00:52:03,544
Yeah. Thanks.
790
00:52:03,589 --> 00:52:05,523
Yeah. Black is beautiful.
791
00:52:05,557 --> 00:52:07,252
Like they say, huh?
792
00:52:31,250 --> 00:52:34,083
I hears de gentle voices
793
00:52:38,490 --> 00:52:39,889
Hey, man.
794
00:52:39,925 --> 00:52:42,189
-Roscoe, dere, dere.
-What?
795
00:52:42,227 --> 00:52:44,661
That broad, man.
That ugly broad.
796
00:52:44,696 --> 00:52:46,391
Hey, man.
797
00:52:46,431 --> 00:52:47,989
Ain't you going to say
hello to your old lady?
798
00:52:48,033 --> 00:52:50,001
-Watch out, now.
-That bitch is too ugly...
799
00:52:50,035 --> 00:52:52,902
for you to say hello to
in public.
800
00:52:52,938 --> 00:52:54,872
Shoot. I'd go with her
a lot quicker...
801
00:52:54,907 --> 00:52:57,239
than I'd go with your mama.
802
00:52:57,276 --> 00:52:58,436
Shoot. She's so ugly...
803
00:52:58,477 --> 00:53:01,275
your daddy don't even
want to go with her.
804
00:53:01,313 --> 00:53:03,645
Shit! Look who's talking.
805
00:53:03,682 --> 00:53:06,276
Shit, if ugliness
was electricity...
806
00:53:06,318 --> 00:53:08,343
your mama would be
walking in a powerhouse.
807
00:53:08,387 --> 00:53:11,049
Oh, man, dig that.
That's light shit.
808
00:53:11,089 --> 00:53:14,490
Your mama look like
ten miles of bad road, nigger.
809
00:53:14,526 --> 00:53:15,891
Your mama got a face...
810
00:53:15,928 --> 00:53:17,793
that look like
it been run over by a bus...
811
00:53:17,829 --> 00:53:21,356
and everybody kept telling
how good she looking till you.
812
00:53:21,400 --> 00:53:24,699
And then--so she's been jumping
in front of buses ever since.
813
00:53:28,707 --> 00:53:32,199
Man, I don't want to hear that.
814
00:53:36,215 --> 00:53:39,207
Oh, hey, look at that.
815
00:53:42,221 --> 00:53:45,452
Boy, some pair
of gazongas there.
816
00:53:45,490 --> 00:53:47,515
That isn't bad.
A little young.
817
00:53:47,559 --> 00:53:49,618
But, then, what the hell.
818
00:53:49,661 --> 00:53:52,221
These chicks know where it's at
by the time they're 1 1 anyway.
819
00:54:29,668 --> 00:54:31,499
How do I get to the Black House?
820
00:54:31,536 --> 00:54:33,731
You take the number twenty bus
on the corner.
821
00:54:33,772 --> 00:54:36,798
You do know what a corner is,
don't you, honky?
822
00:55:00,932 --> 00:55:02,661
Somebody help.
823
00:55:02,701 --> 00:55:04,191
Help!
824
00:55:06,004 --> 00:55:09,030
Hey, man. Come on,
help me, man, please.
825
00:55:09,074 --> 00:55:12,532
Oh, man. What's the matter?
826
00:55:12,577 --> 00:55:14,101
Well, a gang, man.
827
00:55:14,146 --> 00:55:15,738
They robbed--
828
00:55:15,781 --> 00:55:18,272
-Oh, Jesus.
-Help me, man.
829
00:55:20,552 --> 00:55:22,520
Hey, help!
There's a man hurt in the alley.
830
00:55:22,554 --> 00:55:24,181
Help me, somebody!
831
00:55:25,991 --> 00:55:28,892
-Where?
-Back here.
832
00:55:30,228 --> 00:55:32,594
He hurt bad?
833
00:55:32,631 --> 00:55:35,361
Look, man,
there's a phone down the block.
834
00:55:35,400 --> 00:55:37,891
Go and call an ambulance.
835
00:55:57,022 --> 00:55:58,216
Hello?
836
00:55:58,256 --> 00:55:59,985
Operator, give me the hospital.
837
00:56:00,025 --> 00:56:01,322
Give you what?
838
00:56:01,360 --> 00:56:04,295
A hospital--sick, doctor,
pain, hurt, you know.
839
00:56:04,329 --> 00:56:06,126
Just a minute, mister.
840
00:56:06,164 --> 00:56:08,189
You looking for a Dr. Sax?
841
00:56:08,233 --> 00:56:09,495
Information number 30-70.
842
00:56:09,534 --> 00:56:13,470
Is that 13-17,
or is that 30-70?
843
00:56:13,505 --> 00:56:17,202
-You making fun of me?
-No, I just wanted to get--
844
00:56:17,242 --> 00:56:19,472
Sound like you white.
You white?
845
00:56:19,511 --> 00:56:21,672
What's that got to do
with anything?
846
00:56:21,713 --> 00:56:25,376
Honky, what you doing talking
on a New African phone?
847
00:56:25,417 --> 00:56:27,385
Trying to get a hospital.
848
00:56:27,419 --> 00:56:30,354
You're going to need one the way
you making fun of people.
849
00:56:30,389 --> 00:56:31,617
Look, all I want to know...
850
00:56:31,656 --> 00:56:35,786
is if the number is
13-17 or 30-70 or what.
851
00:56:35,827 --> 00:56:38,955
You such a smart ass,
you figure it out.
852
00:56:41,833 --> 00:56:44,563
My opponent is accusing me
of dodging the issues.
853
00:56:44,603 --> 00:56:46,571
Let me say this about that.
854
00:56:46,605 --> 00:56:50,598
Issues is the only thing
I'm not dodging.
855
00:56:52,010 --> 00:56:55,309
Hey, two more of the same.
856
00:56:55,347 --> 00:56:58,544
What am I going to do, man?
I mean, I work.
857
00:56:58,583 --> 00:57:02,542
I think I look good.
I'm still young.
858
00:57:02,587 --> 00:57:05,579
You know, I might have
about five children.
859
00:57:05,624 --> 00:57:07,251
And when I saw Jimi Hendrix...
860
00:57:07,292 --> 00:57:09,988
I'd never saw anybody
play guitar, play like--
861
00:57:10,028 --> 00:57:11,689
He took a guitar
one time and took--
862
00:57:11,730 --> 00:57:13,391
he had it round his neck, right?
863
00:57:13,432 --> 00:57:15,332
And there was a girl
in the audience...
864
00:57:15,367 --> 00:57:16,664
that he was
dedicating the song to...
865
00:57:16,701 --> 00:57:18,362
and he took it, spun it
around his neck, right?
866
00:57:18,403 --> 00:57:19,563
He's got it on his neck, right?
867
00:57:19,604 --> 00:57:21,196
Just going around.
Then he takes it...
868
00:57:21,239 --> 00:57:23,332
throws it down between
his legs and jerks it off.
869
00:57:23,375 --> 00:57:26,674
He jerks it off, man.
I couldn't believe it.
870
00:57:26,711 --> 00:57:28,702
And then threw her
right back around his--
871
00:57:28,747 --> 00:57:30,271
and then started playing
with his teeth.
872
00:57:30,315 --> 00:57:31,543
That's right. That's him.
873
00:57:31,583 --> 00:57:32,880
And then--after he played it
with his teeth...
874
00:57:32,918 --> 00:57:34,180
he dropped it
down on the ground...
875
00:57:34,219 --> 00:57:35,550
took some lighter fluid...
876
00:57:36,788 --> 00:57:38,483
You see it on the album cover.
877
00:57:38,523 --> 00:57:42,323
I decided that I just wanted
to be a prostitute.
878
00:57:42,360 --> 00:57:44,294
Oh, honey.
Wait a minute, baby.
879
00:57:44,329 --> 00:57:45,796
I just want
to do my thing, baby.
880
00:57:45,831 --> 00:57:48,527
They tell me I can
get me some furs.
881
00:57:48,567 --> 00:57:50,330
How you doing?
882
00:57:50,368 --> 00:57:51,835
Hey, pal...
883
00:57:51,870 --> 00:57:53,838
Nigger, you stepped on my shine!
884
00:57:53,872 --> 00:57:55,271
What's wrong with you?
885
00:57:55,307 --> 00:57:57,070
You better get
the fuck outta my face.
886
00:57:57,108 --> 00:58:01,704
-What you talking about?
-I'll cut you. Shoot you.
887
00:58:01,746 --> 00:58:03,771
Man, nigger, step outside!
888
00:58:03,815 --> 00:58:06,045
Listen, nigger,
you better back off!
889
00:58:06,084 --> 00:58:07,642
I'll cut you
from here to tomorrow!
890
00:58:07,686 --> 00:58:09,711
Back up?
Ooh, that's right!
891
00:58:09,754 --> 00:58:13,315
I'll cut you so goddamn fast
you won't bleed till tomorrow.
892
00:58:13,358 --> 00:58:14,518
Too easy.
893
00:58:14,559 --> 00:58:16,891
Have you got change
for a dollar?
894
00:58:18,063 --> 00:58:21,328
Well, now, looky here!
895
00:58:21,366 --> 00:58:23,664
A real live white!
896
00:58:26,538 --> 00:58:28,165
Isn't anybody gonna
break up that fight?
897
00:58:28,206 --> 00:58:30,003
Them niggers
don't fight, sucker.
898
00:58:30,041 --> 00:58:32,669
Shit! They just roughin'.
899
00:58:32,711 --> 00:58:34,338
What's a whitey
doing in this joint?
900
00:58:34,379 --> 00:58:36,643
-Here you go.
-Thanks. You got a phone?
901
00:58:36,681 --> 00:58:38,171
It got ripped off.
902
00:58:38,216 --> 00:58:39,877
There's one down the street.
903
00:58:51,363 --> 00:58:54,890
Help! Somebody! Police!
904
00:59:04,009 --> 00:59:07,604
I got five dollars say
you ain't gonna buy that number.
905
00:59:07,646 --> 00:59:10,376
In fact,
I put my gold teeth on it...
906
00:59:10,415 --> 00:59:13,179
you can't make that number
with a pencil and a sheet of--
907
00:59:13,218 --> 00:59:14,810
Who goes there?
908
00:59:14,853 --> 00:59:17,413
-Excuse me.
-Don't bother me. I'm hot.
909
00:59:17,455 --> 00:59:20,356
Can you tell me where to find
President Supreme Jackson?
910
00:59:20,392 --> 00:59:22,485
This jive motherfu--
911
00:59:22,527 --> 00:59:24,722
He's right inside.
912
00:59:24,763 --> 00:59:26,526
Go ahead.
You can't make that money.
913
00:59:26,565 --> 00:59:28,362
Come on seven.
Bet five.
914
00:59:32,170 --> 00:59:33,330
Now what is it?
915
00:59:33,371 --> 00:59:36,169
Message from the White House.
The honky prez.
916
00:59:36,207 --> 00:59:39,665
-The White House?
-Gimme the message.
917
00:59:39,711 --> 00:59:41,679
What does it say?
918
00:59:41,713 --> 00:59:45,410
It says that we attempt
an assassination...
919
00:59:45,450 --> 00:59:48,578
and blame it on lmaku, man.
920
00:59:48,620 --> 00:59:51,350
Attempt to assassinate who?
921
00:59:51,389 --> 00:59:52,913
You, fool!
922
00:59:52,958 --> 00:59:54,323
Don't worry, man.
923
00:59:54,359 --> 00:59:56,987
We'll get an expert shot, man,
and all he'll do is wound you.
924
00:59:57,028 --> 00:59:58,188
Wound me?
925
00:59:58,229 --> 01:00:00,026
We got to make it look real.
926
01:00:00,065 --> 01:00:03,296
Fuck that shit. I ain't
gonna let nobody shoot me.
927
01:00:03,335 --> 01:00:04,597
The answer is no.
928
01:00:04,636 --> 01:00:07,605
Man, I ain't gonna
lose this election.
929
01:00:07,639 --> 01:00:09,800
If I got to get shot you are!
930
01:00:29,828 --> 01:00:31,386
Not necessarily.
931
01:00:31,429 --> 01:00:35,092
Fritz? General Jones
wants to talk to you!
932
01:00:35,133 --> 01:00:37,067
OK, thanks.
933
01:00:38,870 --> 01:00:40,167
I'm from--
934
01:00:40,205 --> 01:00:42,765
I know where the hell you from--
935
01:00:42,807 --> 01:00:45,037
-Don't anybody move!
-What's this?
936
01:00:45,076 --> 01:00:46,509
We found you was
bugging our conference...
937
01:00:46,544 --> 01:00:48,273
spying on the movements,
tapping the telephones...
938
01:00:48,313 --> 01:00:51,612
and telling the papers
I use hair straightener!
939
01:00:51,650 --> 01:00:52,947
How dare you.
940
01:00:52,984 --> 01:00:54,713
-Where's Jackson?
-He's dead.
941
01:00:54,753 --> 01:00:55,913
Don't you bullshit me!
942
01:00:55,954 --> 01:00:59,446
I'm not.
Killed by an American spy.
943
01:00:59,491 --> 01:01:02,585
What? I didn't kill anybody.
944
01:01:02,627 --> 01:01:03,924
Why would they kill Jackson?
945
01:01:03,962 --> 01:01:06,328
'Cause Jackson
was a real brother.
946
01:01:06,364 --> 01:01:10,027
Ain't gonna let
this murder go unavenged!
947
01:01:10,068 --> 01:01:12,161
The council
has just declared war...
948
01:01:12,203 --> 01:01:15,331
on the United States,
and dig that!
949
01:04:19,657 --> 01:04:23,923
I thought you said we were going
to lose in two or three days.
950
01:04:23,962 --> 01:04:26,590
It's been two weeks.
951
01:04:26,631 --> 01:04:28,997
Where's all that
war reparations money...
952
01:04:29,033 --> 01:04:30,261
we was supposed to get?
953
01:04:30,301 --> 01:04:32,599
All them PXs and
black market cigarettes?
954
01:04:32,637 --> 01:04:35,697
Now, give me a chance
to get my head together, man.
955
01:04:35,740 --> 01:04:37,537
Now what is it?
956
01:04:37,575 --> 01:04:40,203
The President
of the United States.
957
01:04:50,054 --> 01:04:53,649
Mr. Speaker,
Mr. Vice President...
958
01:04:53,691 --> 01:04:57,650
Iadies and gentlemen,
as Commander in Chief...
959
01:04:57,695 --> 01:05:00,391
of all the United States
military forces...
960
01:05:00,431 --> 01:05:02,956
I surrender.
961
01:05:05,670 --> 01:05:07,103
What? Surrender?
962
01:05:07,138 --> 01:05:08,696
What the hell you mean,
surrender?!
963
01:05:08,740 --> 01:05:11,300
You better get back to fighting.
964
01:05:11,342 --> 01:05:13,310
You folks ain't
never lost a war.
965
01:05:13,344 --> 01:05:16,507
-Shit, you can win!
-We getting them whiteys back?
966
01:05:18,349 --> 01:05:21,216
Unconditional surrender.
967
01:05:21,252 --> 01:05:24,244
That's your ass, Jones.
968
01:05:26,891 --> 01:05:29,121
For crimes against the Sovereign
Republic of New Africa...
969
01:05:29,160 --> 01:05:30,320
and the assassination...
970
01:05:30,361 --> 01:05:32,659
of our beloved
President Supreme Jackson...
971
01:05:32,697 --> 01:05:35,291
you've been ordered
executed this day.
972
01:05:35,333 --> 01:05:36,994
You got a last request?
973
01:05:37,035 --> 01:05:39,731
Yes. Please don't shoot me.
974
01:05:40,939 --> 01:05:44,170
Ready...aim...fire!
975
01:05:44,242 --> 01:05:45,937
I bet you voted for Nixon!
976
01:05:45,977 --> 01:05:48,946
Did you by any chance,
Mr. Smart Ass...
977
01:05:48,980 --> 01:05:51,107
pop some of
my birth control pills?
978
01:05:51,149 --> 01:05:52,844
Oh, shit!
979
01:05:52,884 --> 01:05:54,943
Ralphie just peed on my shoes!
980
01:05:59,157 --> 01:06:02,684
Christ, is it refreshing
to get away...
981
01:06:02,727 --> 01:06:04,786
from the pressures
of the street.
982
01:06:06,564 --> 01:06:10,625
There's much to be said for
the advantages of isolation.
983
01:06:10,668 --> 01:06:14,434
It allows one total freedom
to pick and choose...
984
01:06:14,472 --> 01:06:19,535
without the forces
of society to wear you down.
985
01:06:22,113 --> 01:06:24,081
Take the example
of the influence...
986
01:06:24,115 --> 01:06:25,742
of our present-day culture.
987
01:06:25,783 --> 01:06:30,880
It typifies humanity's lack
of personal concern for others.
988
01:06:40,798 --> 01:06:43,995
Hey, fuck you,
you inconsiderate bastards!
989
01:06:44,035 --> 01:06:45,935
You just sit there
on your fat asses...
990
01:06:45,970 --> 01:06:48,939
and dump on life
indiscriminately.
991
01:06:55,079 --> 01:06:57,377
I suppose I should
learn to accept...
992
01:06:57,415 --> 01:06:59,883
the miniscule distractions
of life, though.
993
01:07:04,022 --> 01:07:06,115
Oh, shit!
994
01:07:09,027 --> 01:07:12,360
The sacred horn of Vishnu
wakes you up.
995
01:07:12,397 --> 01:07:14,092
Do wake up, please,
young Caucasian...
996
01:07:14,132 --> 01:07:15,997
'cause I've come
to save your very soul.
997
01:07:16,034 --> 01:07:18,025
What? You sure you want me?
998
01:07:19,337 --> 01:07:22,636
It is not possible
that I could be in error.
999
01:07:22,673 --> 01:07:26,507
You see, my good book here,
it guides me as I wander...
1000
01:07:26,544 --> 01:07:29,342
through the vast cosmic universe
of my experience...
1001
01:07:29,380 --> 01:07:33,111
with astral flash
and good vibes as my bedfellows.
1002
01:07:33,151 --> 01:07:35,517
Wait a minute.
I can't get behind that really.
1003
01:07:35,553 --> 01:07:37,350
Aren't those the yellow pages?
1004
01:07:39,424 --> 01:07:41,688
Oh, man.
Could you not do that?
1005
01:07:41,726 --> 01:07:45,025
Please to wash my feet.
Wash my feet, Caucasian one.
1006
01:07:45,063 --> 01:07:46,758
Especially the left one.
1007
01:07:46,798 --> 01:07:51,360
Only this morning,
I stepped in sacred cow shit.
1008
01:07:51,402 --> 01:07:54,200
Wow, man. Hold on now.
1009
01:07:54,238 --> 01:07:57,503
I'm not really into washing
cow shit off anybody's feet.
1010
01:07:57,542 --> 01:07:59,703
This is truly a bad omen.
1011
01:07:59,744 --> 01:08:02,304
I, Javral Ben Roderiga...
1012
01:08:02,346 --> 01:08:05,372
son of the most ample
Javral Ben Roderiga Sr...
1013
01:08:05,416 --> 01:08:07,350
have been truly affronted.
1014
01:08:07,385 --> 01:08:09,819
Look, I didn't mean
to offend you, man.
1015
01:08:09,854 --> 01:08:12,948
Silence.
There is no need to explain.
1016
01:08:14,592 --> 01:08:17,686
Oh, yeah, this is nice.
Very nice.
1017
01:08:17,728 --> 01:08:19,696
The brass horn
of Vishnu announces...
1018
01:08:19,730 --> 01:08:23,063
that I am the second
of two sent from the East.
1019
01:08:23,101 --> 01:08:24,966
Two also were sent
from the West.
1020
01:08:25,002 --> 01:08:26,401
No matter.
1021
01:08:26,437 --> 01:08:29,565
It was to cure those,
those poor unfortunates...
1022
01:08:29,607 --> 01:08:31,097
afflicted with the leprosy.
1023
01:08:31,142 --> 01:08:33,440
Jeez, that's really a shame,
because I've seen...
1024
01:08:33,478 --> 01:08:36,447
a lot of disease down here,
but no leprosy--so far.
1025
01:08:36,481 --> 01:08:38,073
No leprosy?
No running sores?
1026
01:08:38,116 --> 01:08:40,107
Nothing like that.
1027
01:08:40,151 --> 01:08:44,383
This is most disturbing news.
But chronic backache?
1028
01:08:44,422 --> 01:08:46,890
None of my friends have that,
either, I don't think.
1029
01:08:46,924 --> 01:08:49,688
Well, then perhaps
the dreaded dandruff...
1030
01:08:49,727 --> 01:08:51,752
or the very heartbreak
of psoriasis?
1031
01:08:51,796 --> 01:08:54,560
No. I'll tell you the truth.
I think you're a little late.
1032
01:08:54,599 --> 01:08:56,294
See, I think that went down
a long time ago.
1033
01:08:56,334 --> 01:08:57,926
I could tell you a story,
if you'd care to--
1034
01:08:57,969 --> 01:08:59,664
If you could possibly
make it short...
1035
01:08:59,704 --> 01:09:02,400
because there is
a strong possibility...
1036
01:09:02,440 --> 01:09:04,431
that I should be
in Philadelphia.
1037
01:09:16,354 --> 01:09:19,346
Jesus, this stuff is dynamite.
1038
01:09:19,390 --> 01:09:23,417
The eyes of my own soul
staring back at me.
1039
01:09:23,461 --> 01:09:27,124
God knows I've lived
the best lives I was capable of.
1040
01:09:27,165 --> 01:09:31,932
My minor infractions of
society's rules were only due--
1041
01:09:31,969 --> 01:09:34,437
Oh, please, Lucifer,
don't take me!
1042
01:09:34,472 --> 01:09:35,837
I'm not ready! I'll change!
1043
01:09:35,873 --> 01:09:38,637
I'm already changing.
Look at me change.
1044
01:09:38,676 --> 01:09:40,837
Oh, my God,
what a way to go.
1045
01:09:43,981 --> 01:09:46,779
Excuse me, certainly.
Hello?
1046
01:09:46,817 --> 01:09:48,250
Yoo-hoo down there.
1047
01:09:48,286 --> 01:09:51,949
Excuse me.
Did anyone find an earring?
1048
01:09:51,989 --> 01:09:54,787
I dropped my earring in
the trash. You'd recognize it.
1049
01:09:54,825 --> 01:09:56,656
It opens on one side.
Kind of a jade color.
1050
01:09:56,694 --> 01:10:00,323
It's got a picture of Errol
Flynn and Alan Hale naked--
1051
01:10:00,364 --> 01:10:02,525
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Lucifer's a faggot!
1052
01:10:04,335 --> 01:10:07,031
Jesus Christ, my life is shit!
1053
01:10:07,071 --> 01:10:11,531
I had to get knocked up.
I could've had an abortion.
1054
01:10:11,576 --> 01:10:15,774
No. Mr. Good-Time Charlie
over there.
1055
01:10:15,813 --> 01:10:18,407
"No," he says.
"Have the baby.
1056
01:10:18,449 --> 01:10:21,509
"We'll get married.
I'll take care of you."
1057
01:10:21,552 --> 01:10:23,611
What'll you take care of?
1058
01:10:23,654 --> 01:10:25,849
It's a good thing
we got Ralphie.
1059
01:10:25,890 --> 01:10:28,723
Otherwise,
we don't even get welfare.
1060
01:10:28,759 --> 01:10:31,819
Will you tell me one thing
you ever did for my Ralphie?
1061
01:10:31,862 --> 01:10:33,659
Do you ever play with him?
1062
01:10:33,698 --> 01:10:36,496
Do you ever take him
to the ballgame?
1063
01:10:36,534 --> 01:10:39,094
Do you ever take him fishing?
How about fishing?
1064
01:10:39,136 --> 01:10:42,128
Why don't you take
your own son fishing?
1065
01:10:42,173 --> 01:10:44,801
You don't even change
his kitty litter!
1066
01:10:44,842 --> 01:10:48,175
Did you know that Dr. Spock...
1067
01:10:48,212 --> 01:10:51,477
has stated very clearly
in his book...
1068
01:10:51,515 --> 01:10:54,575
that fathers
who are never there...
1069
01:10:54,619 --> 01:10:57,952
usually makes a fag kid?
1070
01:10:57,989 --> 01:11:00,150
Do you know what he does most
of the time around the house?
1071
01:11:00,191 --> 01:11:03,490
If he's not picking his nose,
he's jerking off.
1072
01:11:03,527 --> 01:11:06,496
How's that gonna look
when he starts kindergarten?
1073
01:11:06,530 --> 01:11:08,828
Suck my dick, huh?
1074
01:11:08,866 --> 01:11:10,663
You get outta here!
1075
01:11:10,701 --> 01:11:13,135
Pack your things and get out!
1076
01:11:15,706 --> 01:11:18,038
I said get out, and I mean it!
1077
01:11:18,075 --> 01:11:19,474
While I'm still young enough...
1078
01:11:19,510 --> 01:11:22,343
to find a decent father
for my child, you bum.
1079
01:11:22,380 --> 01:11:23,847
All you do is lay around.
1080
01:11:23,881 --> 01:11:25,576
Listen, I'm sick
of cleaning up after you.
1081
01:11:25,616 --> 01:11:28,346
And don't think I don't know
that you fool around.
1082
01:11:28,386 --> 01:11:31,082
I know it.
You junkie, you hophead, you.
1083
01:11:31,122 --> 01:11:32,419
Are you kidding?
1084
01:11:32,456 --> 01:11:34,083
No, I'm not.
I'm sick of seeing you...
1085
01:11:34,125 --> 01:11:35,820
sitting around here
doing nothing.
1086
01:11:35,860 --> 01:11:37,225
Get serious!
1087
01:11:37,261 --> 01:11:40,094
Don't come back here
until you're ready to shape up!
1088
01:11:53,678 --> 01:11:57,136
Too much. I thought
she was putting me on.
1089
01:11:57,181 --> 01:12:00,446
Hey, she actually did it.
That blows my mind.
1090
01:12:00,484 --> 01:12:03,942
Hey, I don't have to go
to the welfare office tomorrow.
1091
01:12:03,988 --> 01:12:07,424
Jesus! Wow!
1092
01:12:10,428 --> 01:12:11,827
Know what that is?
That's shit!
1093
01:12:14,165 --> 01:12:15,564
You are shit!
1094
01:12:45,963 --> 01:12:47,954
Know what? Know what?
1095
01:12:47,998 --> 01:12:49,727
She's got the clap!
1096
01:12:49,767 --> 01:12:52,258
Some of my best friends...
1097
01:12:52,303 --> 01:12:54,294
When he gets back to Earth.
1098
01:13:40,418 --> 01:13:43,148
This is about
the worst life I ever had.
1
00:01:18,711 --> 00:01:21,771
- Well?
- Please, I must see Mr. And Mrs. Ballantine.
2
00:01:21,848 --> 00:01:24,442
- What for?
- Well, I've got something to give them.
3
00:01:24,517 --> 00:01:26,610
- They're on now. I'll take it.
- Oh, no!
4
00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:28,950
- I've got to do it myself.
- Not a chance, lady.
5
00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:31,286
Nobody's allowed backstage
but the actors.
6
00:01:31,357 --> 00:01:33,689
That's the rule,
and I ain't gonna break it.
7
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:46,269
#Train man, train man
on your way #
8
00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:49,331
# For I'm ready to go #
9
00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:52,640
#Train man, train man
on your way #
10
00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:56,170
#To the land of Old BlackJoe #
11
00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:59,514
# Ho, ho, ho #
12
00:01:59,586 --> 00:02:03,181
# Hear that choo-choo
hoppin' along, whoo-whoo #
13
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:08,888
# I can hear it singin' a song #
14
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:13,023
# Candied yams and 'Ginia hams
like in the days of yore #
15
00:02:13,099 --> 00:02:16,830
#A little angel waiting
by a little cabin door #
16
00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:21,033
# Lordy, Lordy, how I pine #
17
00:02:21,107 --> 00:02:25,043
#Just to be back in "Caroline" #
18
00:02:25,111 --> 00:02:30,515
#Way down south
of the Mason-Dixon Line #
19
00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:35,179
#With my mammy #
20
00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:37,746
# Oh, way down south #
21
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:43,558
# Of the Mason and Dixon Line ##
22
00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:58,768
- Oh!
- Flowers. Thank you.
23
00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:08,644
Oh, wonderful.
24
00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:14,415
Look. Pigeons.
25
00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:17,619
Oh, but I've tried.
Why, I've got something to give them.
26
00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:21,599
Oh, why didn't you tell me? A new gig, eh?
Hey, Bill. Take these to 'em.
27
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:24,193
Here, you can't-
28
00:03:35,114 --> 00:03:37,514
It's a baby. It's a ba-
29
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:46,088
Did somebody lose a baby?
30
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:57,994
All right, wise guys.
Who put this baby in the basket, huh?
31
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,733
- Don't look at me. I ain't done nothin'.
- Whose baby is it?
32
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,241
- Is it a new part of your act?
- Somebody's kidding.
33
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:07,177
Yeah, probably you, huh? Wise guy.
You're comedians- puttin' a baby in a basket.
34
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:10,683
Is that a laugh, huh? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. There's a note here.
35
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:12,775
Oh, sweetie.
36
00:04:12,852 --> 00:04:17,346
"DearJoe and Kit, I've asked my landlady
to bring little Wendy to you.
37
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,948
"The doc says my time's just about up...
38
00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:22,756
"but as long as I know
the baby's in your hands...
39
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:25,821
I don't mind joining Flossie.
Good-bye. Your Pal."
40
00:04:25,898 --> 00:04:28,867
- It's Barney O'Hara's baby.
- It is Barney's.
41
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,961
But she's got Flossie's eyes.
You remember how pretty she was?
42
00:04:32,038 --> 00:04:34,268
Yeah, she and Barney
were a beautiful team.
43
00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:38,037
Gee, they were marvelous.
Well, what are we gonna do with her?
44
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,840
We're gonna keep her.
45
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:50,320
# Honi kaua wikiwiki #
46
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:55,521
# Sweet brown maiden said to me #
47
00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:59,895
#As she gave me language lessons #
48
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:04,335
# On the beach at Waikiki #
49
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:09,908
# Honi kaua wikiwiki #
50
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:15,471
# She repeated playfully #
51
00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:19,507
# Oh, those lips were so inviting #
52
00:05:19,585 --> 00:05:24,716
# On the beach at Waikiki #
53
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:44,738
# Now everybody is askin'me #
54
00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:47,871
#Who's that bunch of"poison-ality" #
55
00:05:47,947 --> 00:05:50,780
#With a figure like a cow #
56
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,341
# Baby, take a bow #
57
00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:56,388
# Everybody wants to know #
58
00:05:56,456 --> 00:05:59,516
#Where I found this homely Romeo #
59
00:05:59,592 --> 00:06:02,618
#You could haunt a house
and how #
60
00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:05,027
# Baby, take a bow #
61
00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:08,295
# Oh, hear them whispering #
62
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,064
# "Hasn't she got anything" #
63
00:06:11,137 --> 00:06:14,072
#Why, baby, you're a standout #
64
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:17,200
# Mister, what a bunch of bull
you hand out #
65
00:06:17,276 --> 00:06:20,040
# But I'm gonna stand
right here and say #
66
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:23,446
#That I wish you were
a million miles away #
67
00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:25,643
# Funny, I feel that way too #
68
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:29,051
# Is that so
Baby, take a boot #
69
00:06:31,023 --> 00:06:34,584
# Oh, our act was awful up to now #
70
00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:37,652
# Baby, take a bow #
71
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:44,095
# Everybody's asking me #
72
00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:47,936
#Who's that bunch of personality #
73
00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:51,465
# I'm presenting you right now #
74
00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:54,911
# Daddy, take a bow #
75
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:58,109
# Everybody wants to know #
76
00:06:58,184 --> 00:07:01,847
#Who's that great big
handsome Romeo #
77
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:04,947
# I'm presenting you right now #
78
00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:08,289
# Daddy, take a bow #
79
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:11,694
# Hear them whispering #
80
00:07:11,764 --> 00:07:15,359
# "Hasn't he got everything" #
81
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:18,495
# He's a standout #
82
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:21,938
# Listen to the compliments
they hand out #
83
00:07:22,008 --> 00:07:25,307
# Let me stand right up and say #
84
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:29,337
#Who's the one brings Mother
all his pay #
85
00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:32,714
# I'm presenting you right now #
86
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:36,152
# Daddy, take a bow ##
87
00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:50,968
You know what I was thinkin'?
88
00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:54,564
First let me get used to the idea
that you've been thinking at all.
89
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,076
- Well, what?
- Remember when they straightened out Barney O'Hara's affairs...
90
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:02,012
and they found out that he'd made half
the payments on that farm in New England?
91
00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:04,311
Yes, and we're trying to get rid of it.
92
00:08:04,383 --> 00:08:07,819
Well, maybe that's where we're wrong.
Maybe we oughta keep up those payments.
93
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:11,220
- For what?
- Well, so we could have a place where we could all settle down.
94
00:08:11,290 --> 00:08:15,420
- You know, retire.
- Are you crazy? It takes money to retire.
95
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,191
- We got a bank account, ain't we?
- Thanks to Wendy.
96
00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:21,825
But it's not enough to retire on,
so forget it.
97
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:26,167
Ah, listen, Kit. Let's give her something
that we've never had- a home, huh?
98
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,503
Maybe that's the way
Barney figured it for Wendy.
99
00:08:28,574 --> 00:08:31,008
Maybe that's why he picked out the farm.
100
00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:34,103
Why, sure it is.
It's up to us to go through with it.
101
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:37,547
- What do you say, honey?
- It's a pipe dream, Joe.
102
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:40,586
I can just see you in overalls.
103
00:08:40,653 --> 00:08:44,521
Out busting sods, and nobody to
give you a hand except the cows.
104
00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:48,890
And me in a gingham apron sweeping
and cooking and making beds every day.
105
00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:51,259
Well, maybe we could afford a maid.
106
00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:54,458
We could not.
I guess I can hold up my own end.
107
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:58,197
- Then you'll go for it, huh?
- Well, we'll talk about it in five years.
108
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:03,106
- Ah, five years.
- In the meantime, you better start making those payments.
109
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:06,235
- Look, I'll wire that lawyer tonight.
- You'll write him a letter.
110
00:09:06,312 --> 00:09:09,247
Remember, we're gonna be
New England farmers.
111
00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:14,476
Listen, Wendy, honey, it's gonna be
a little tough for about five years, see?
112
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,112
But after that, wow!
113
00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:31,065
#We've been to London's Piccadilly #
114
00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:33,298
#When it was time for tea #
115
00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:36,170
#We've walked along the Champs-�lys�es #
116
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:38,608
#The pride of gay Paree #
117
00:09:38,678 --> 00:09:41,169
#You can rave about your Broadway #
118
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,647
#And Times Square #
119
00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:46,116
# Come on along and let me show you #
120
00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:49,018
#The grandest thoroughfare #
121
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:54,521
# Hop a bus
Take a car #
122
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,256
# Hail a cab and there you are #
123
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,696
# On Fifth Avenue #
124
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:04,831
# EveryJoe, everyJane #
125
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:07,338
#Walks along the dreamers' lane #
126
00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:09,601
# Of Fifth Avenue #
127
00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:12,473
#That's Fifth Avenue #
128
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:15,309
#Where they stop, window shop #
129
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:17,975
#And their hopes are so high #
130
00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:20,678
- # Pricing rings #
- # Pretty things #
131
00:10:20,753 --> 00:10:23,381
#That they can't afford to buy #
132
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,651
# But they smile
They don't care #
133
00:10:25,725 --> 00:10:28,387
# Everyone's a millionaire #
134
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:32,864
#When you're strolling
on Fifth Avenue #
135
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:13,937
# Easter bonnets #
136
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:16,406
# Bright and gay #
137
00:11:16,475 --> 00:11:18,670
# New York's finest #
138
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,939
# On St. Patrick's Day #
139
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:23,447
# Flags are flying #
140
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,746
# See them wave #
141
00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:27,843
# Soldiers marching #
142
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,911
# In memory of the brave #
143
00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:32,219
#There are shouts
There are cheers #
144
00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:34,589
# Mingled with a mother's tears #
145
00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:37,254
# On Fifth Avenue #
146
00:11:37,329 --> 00:11:39,524
# Old Fifth Avenue #
147
00:11:39,598 --> 00:11:41,589
#All the world's on parade #
148
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:44,693
#Where the fashions are all made #
149
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:48,399
# On Fifth Avenue
That's Fifth Avenue #
150
00:11:48,474 --> 00:11:51,068
- # Fancy shops #
- # Small caf�s #
151
00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:53,475
#A cathedral and then #
152
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,208
- # Central Park #
- # Cartier's #
153
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:58,614
#And a Woolworth's five-and-ten #
154
00:11:58,684 --> 00:12:00,948
#What a street
What a thrill #
155
00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:03,420
# Say, you haven't lived until #
156
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:07,482
#You've been strolling on Fifth Avenue #
157
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,893
- #You've been strolling on #
- #You've been strolling on #
158
00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:14,126
# Fifth Avenue ##
159
00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:48,932
Uh, folks, I know you're
very anxious to see the movie...
160
00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:51,469
but if you don't mind, I'd like to-
161
00:12:51,537 --> 00:12:54,165
Oh, Wendy,
you go ahead and tell them.
162
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,936
Ladies and gentlemen-
Oh, just a minute, mister.
163
00:12:57,009 --> 00:13:00,137
Aren't you staying for the picture?
164
00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:03,306
My goodness. He must've come
just to see the vaudeville.
165
00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:10,044
Ladies and gentlemen,
this isn't a regular curtain speech.
166
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:13,023
You see,
this is our last performance...
167
00:13:13,092 --> 00:13:16,289
and tonight we're saying good-bye
to stage and show business...
168
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:18,853
and leaving for our farm
up in New England.
169
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:22,298
But before we go,
we want to say good-bye...
170
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:25,826
and just this once
show what we think of you.
171
00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:28,806
Will everyone please stand up?
172
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:31,468
Oh, come on. Everybody get up.
173
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,172
- Come on.
- Just this once. Come on. Everybody up there too.
174
00:13:34,246 --> 00:13:36,874
Up. That's it.
175
00:13:36,949 --> 00:13:41,386
Folks, it's hard to say good-bye
to a good friend...
176
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:44,581
and that's what you've been
to Dad, Mom and me.
177
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,091
You've applauded when you liked us...
178
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:50,356
and even given us a little hand
when you didn't.
179
00:13:50,429 --> 00:13:54,058
You've been swell,
and we'll never forget you.
180
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:57,569
Because, honest to goodness...
181
00:13:57,636 --> 00:14:02,073
we could never have brought you
as much happiness as you've brought us.
182
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:05,599
So now it's our turn to applaud you.
183
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:15,777
�
184
00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:45,279
Well, good-bye, Sam.
Good luck to you.
185
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:48,647
- Have you got the railroad tickets, Joe?
- Yes, I've got the tickets.
186
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,383
Are you sure the train leaves
at 11:15 and not 10:15?
187
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,448
Is everything down from the hotel?
188
00:14:53,525 --> 00:14:56,153
Did you leave a forwarding address
for the mail?
189
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:59,493
Will you stop worrying? Leave everything
to me. I'll get you there all right.
190
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,659
- I never forget anything.
- Hey, Dad, don't you remember?
191
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,965
Our dressing room is downstairs.
192
00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:08,131
Come on, Joe. Come on.
193
00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:10,232
All right. All right.
194
00:15:10,309 --> 00:15:13,278
Hiya, Joe.
Gettin' ready for the big outdoors?
195
00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:16,405
- Got your cookbook, Kit?
- Well, if I haven't, we'll starve to death.
196
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:19,417
Well, by cracky, Lenny,
Farmer Ballantine and her beau.
197
00:15:19,485 --> 00:15:22,010
Well, missy, how's the crop this year?
198
00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:26,786
Well, Ezra, I ain't a-sayin' it's good,
and I ain't a-sayin' it's bad.
199
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:29,123
I'm just sayin' "mebbe."
200
00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:32,254
You better hurry with your packing, Wendy.
201
00:15:32,331 --> 00:15:34,663
- All right, Mom.
- Ah, she's got the gift of laughter.
202
00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:36,826
It's a crime takin' that kid
out of show business.
203
00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:39,530
- You're throwin'away a great career.
- We're gonna have a career.
204
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:42,506
We'll just be gatherin' eggs
instead of laying 'em.
205
00:15:42,574 --> 00:15:44,599
I can just see you three as farmers.
206
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:47,043
It gets awful lonesome
up in them "thar" hills.
207
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,275
After a couple of months on the farm,
you'll be happy to play in Peoria.
208
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:54,513
We'll be all right. Dad and I have been studying
scientific farming from these pamphlets.
209
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:58,784
You'll find out there's only one life for you,
and that's show business.
210
00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:00,848
What kind of show business, Dave?
211
00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:04,384
Five and six a day billed under
a double feature and a couple of shorts?
212
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:07,125
Oh, I know it ain't the paradise
it used to be...
213
00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:09,190
but it's still a pretty good game.
214
00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:11,668
Ah, it ain't the game, Dave.
It's what goes with it.
215
00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:14,205
We've been in every town in the U.S.A.
And been strangers.
216
00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:17,299
When we ride on trains at night,
we see light shining in people's homes.
217
00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:20,140
But where do we live?
In a lower berth.
218
00:16:20,212 --> 00:16:23,477
Listen, we never even had a chance
to vote yet. Not even once.
219
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:26,677
But now we're goin' to a town where we
ain't gonna be strangers. Understand?
220
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:29,186
Yes, and Wendy's
gonna lead a normal life.
221
00:16:29,254 --> 00:16:31,688
You know,
grow up like other children...
222
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:34,248
have a home,
with friends her own age.
223
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,659
Yes, the kid's gonna have neighbors
that she can drop in on.
224
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:41,427
And Dad's going to be the leading citizen
of the community. Aren't you, Dad?
225
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,162
You said it. Listen. When
the Ballantines walk down the street...
226
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:47,569
they're gonna wave hello to everybody,
and everybody's gonna wave right back to 'em.
227
00:16:47,639 --> 00:16:50,733
For the first time in our lives,
we're gonna live like real people.
228
00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:54,711
- Your cab's here, Joe.
- Oh, thank you, baby. Well, so long, Hank.
229
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:57,271
- Best of luck.
- Bye. Don't forget to write.
230
00:16:57,349 --> 00:17:00,045
All right. If you come around our way
at mealtime, drop in.
231
00:17:00,119 --> 00:17:03,179
I'll be doing three shows a day in the kitchen.
232
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:06,520
And if you don't know our address,
ask for the mayor. That'll be Dad.
233
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:08,924
That's me.
#We're farmers in the dell #
234
00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:11,428
- Bye.
- � W e're farmers in the dell �
235
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,879
Board!
236
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:46,931
I don't see the hired man, Joe.
237
00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:49,559
Oh, he must be around here someplace.
238
00:17:57,042 --> 00:18:00,808
Pardon me, mister, but have you
seen a man named Jeb Sparks?
239
00:18:00,879 --> 00:18:03,905
- I see him every day.
- I mean, here at the station.
240
00:18:03,982 --> 00:18:07,008
He's our farmhand
and was supposed to meet us.
241
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:11,420
Well, ifJeb's gonna meet you,
he'll be here in- let's see- 30 seconds.
242
00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:14,015
- How do you know?
- The train was early.
243
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,118
- Oh.
- "Theatre."
244
00:18:16,195 --> 00:18:19,096
You must be in the wrong town.
There ain't no theater here.
245
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:21,997
There isn't? What do you do
for entertainment?
246
00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:25,525
Oh, just sit around and wait
for somebody to make a fool of themselves.
247
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:28,198
That doesn't sound like much fun.
248
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:31,470
Maybe 'cause you ain't the one
that's doin' the settin'.
249
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,339
I don't see any town. Where is it?
250
00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:39,009
Right over that hill three miles.
251
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:41,678
It's a long walk.
252
00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:53,354
- Jeb Sparks?
- Yep.
253
00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:56,196
I'm glad to know you. This is
Mrs. Ballantine. This is little Wendy.
254
00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:58,293
- Howdy.
- Train got here early, didn't it?
255
00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:00,065
- Yep.
- Don't let that worry you, Jeb.
256
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,302
- Nope.
- Say, have you got somebody to deliver these trunks?
257
00:19:05,611 --> 00:19:08,739
Chatterbox. Well, hop in, girls.
258
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:11,715
- Which way is the farm?
- The other side of town.
259
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:14,183
- Is it very far?
- No.
260
00:19:14,253 --> 00:19:16,881
- Did you order that list of groceries?
- Yep.
261
00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:18,980
Will we have a good crop this year, Jeb?
262
00:19:19,057 --> 00:19:22,686
Well, I ain't sayin' yep and I ain't sayin' no.
Just sayin' "mebbe."
263
00:19:25,063 --> 00:19:27,327
He's stealing your stuff, honey.
264
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,107
And look. There's the church.
265
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,551
- Do they ring the bells on Sunday, Jeb?
- Yep.
266
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:51,453
- When they do, it's Sunday school for you, Wendy.
- Yes, Mom.
267
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,753
- Hey, that's the town hall, ain't it, Jeb?
- Yep.
268
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:55,918
- When's the next town meetin'?
- Tomorrow night.
269
00:19:55,994 --> 00:19:59,794
You hear that, Kit? A town meetin' where
a man could stand up and have his say.
270
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,959
- Real old-fashioned democracy.
- Darn right it's old-fashioned.
271
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,060
This ain't no New Deal country.
272
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,545
What's the matter, Jeb?
273
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:26,022
- Nothin', 'cept we're here.
- We're here.
274
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:31,988
- It's beautiful.
- It's even prettier than the picture you showed us.
275
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:35,261
Look at that barn!
It looks exactly like a- a barn.
276
00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:37,325
Oh, Mommy.
277
00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:39,870
Joe, did you see her face?
278
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:57,021
Oh, it's wonderful.
279
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,523
Oh, I've got to see my bedroom.
280
00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:03,988
Look! What a fireplace!
281
00:21:04,062 --> 00:21:07,088
I've gotta see my kitchen.
282
00:21:07,165 --> 00:21:09,759
This is it.
283
00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:12,599
Hey, girls! Get a load of this chair!
284
00:21:12,671 --> 00:21:17,301
Oh, man. And the silence!
I've never heard anything like it!
285
00:21:17,376 --> 00:21:21,836
It's all windows! Double exposure!
286
00:21:21,913 --> 00:21:27,044
Wendy! Joe! Come look at
this beautiful stove, with two ovens!
287
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:31,488
Oh, this is for me.
I think I'll pitch a tent right here.
288
00:21:31,556 --> 00:21:33,615
Yes, sir, this is for me.
289
00:21:33,692 --> 00:21:36,684
#The farmer's in the dell
The farmer's in the dell #
290
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:09,317
Home.
291
00:22:20,138 --> 00:22:23,164
Kit, wake up! We gotta catch a train!
Come on! Wake up!
292
00:22:23,241 --> 00:22:25,232
Oh, all right.
293
00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:39,587
Oh, Joe, no more trains.
294
00:22:39,658 --> 00:22:42,752
No, Kit, honey.
No more trains. Never.
295
00:22:45,330 --> 00:22:48,128
Oh, what a day. What a day.
296
00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:52,869
Not bad. Not bad.
297
00:22:52,938 --> 00:22:55,372
- Joe?
- What?
298
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:59,240
We said we'd start out right.
Tell Wendy today.
299
00:22:59,311 --> 00:23:02,371
- Tell her what?
- You know very well what.
300
00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:04,915
About us not being her real parents.
301
00:23:04,983 --> 00:23:07,451
Oh, that. Oh, sure.
Why don't you go ahead and tell her?
302
00:23:07,519 --> 00:23:09,646
Oh, no. You said you'd do it.
303
00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:14,385
Can't I change my mind? You're the guy
that knows human nature better than I do.
304
00:23:14,459 --> 00:23:18,327
- Why don't you tell her?
- Joe Ballantine, you know you're the understanding one.
305
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:21,798
I'll tell you. We'll toss a coin.
306
00:23:21,867 --> 00:23:26,827
Fine father. Can't even tell
his own child she's an orphan.
307
00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:31,399
Hmm. How would you like to find out maybe after
all these years that I wasn't your husband, huh?
308
00:23:31,476 --> 00:23:35,640
- Will you stop clowning?
- Listen. I ain't clownin'. I'm afraid. That's all.
309
00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:38,911
- Suppose we don't tell her?
- Oh, that's no good.
310
00:23:38,984 --> 00:23:41,817
She'd find out sooner or later
from strangers, and that'd be worse.
311
00:23:41,887 --> 00:23:45,186
- Yes, I know, Joe.
- Well, come on. Call it.
312
00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:47,248
Heads.
313
00:23:48,693 --> 00:23:51,491
Go on in now.
314
00:23:51,563 --> 00:23:53,656
All right. All right. I'll tell her.
315
00:23:53,732 --> 00:23:55,927
You think I'm afraid
to talk to my own kid?
316
00:23:56,001 --> 00:23:59,869
- Listen. I'll just say, "Wendy, the
time has come-" - Don't tell me. Tell her.
317
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:02,532
All right. All right. I'll tell her-
318
00:24:02,607 --> 00:24:06,373
I gotta get that thing fixed.
319
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,672
Oh, you're up.
Did that rooster wake you too?
320
00:24:11,750 --> 00:24:15,686
- Wendy, the time has come-
- Yes, I know. For breakfast.
321
00:24:15,754 --> 00:24:17,779
I'm starved.
322
00:24:17,856 --> 00:24:21,155
Mom, you look simply scrumptious
in that gingham dress.
323
00:24:21,226 --> 00:24:23,558
You're the prettiest and "bestest" of all.
324
00:24:23,628 --> 00:24:26,893
And you too, Dad.
You look like a million yourself.
325
00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:29,058
In fact, we look like three million.
326
00:24:29,134 --> 00:24:32,194
Listen, Wendy.
This is gonna be tough, honey. Very tough.
327
00:24:32,270 --> 00:24:34,864
Sure. I know.
It's always tough on a farm.
328
00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:38,000
But we can lick it, the three of us.
We've done it before.
329
00:24:38,076 --> 00:24:40,476
- Ah, but, Wendy, listen.
- And we'll do it again.
330
00:24:40,545 --> 00:24:43,537
I'm so happy.
I guess I've never been so happy.
331
00:24:43,615 --> 00:24:45,845
We mustn't let anything spoil it.
332
00:24:45,917 --> 00:24:48,977
Come one, come all!
See and hear The Three Ballantines...
333
00:24:49,054 --> 00:24:51,682
in their latest creation,
"Down on the Farm."
334
00:24:53,825 --> 00:24:57,192
With a mom and dad like you
and this house and the farm and everything...
335
00:24:57,262 --> 00:24:59,753
I'm just about the luckiest girl
in the whole world!
336
00:24:59,831 --> 00:25:03,562
- But, Wendy, honey, I'm trying to tell you-
- What, Dad?
337
00:25:03,635 --> 00:25:07,731
Well, I'm trying to tell you...
that you got a table to set.
338
00:25:07,806 --> 00:25:10,468
Now go on. Get outta here, will ya?
339
00:25:12,177 --> 00:25:14,611
Ah, gee, Kit, I couldn't tell her.
340
00:25:14,679 --> 00:25:17,773
- Oh, I'm glad you didn't.
- You are?
341
00:25:17,849 --> 00:25:20,374
I'm kinda scared
of the way she might take it.
342
00:25:20,452 --> 00:25:23,250
Oh, honey. Well, come on.
Let's have that breakfast.
343
00:25:23,321 --> 00:25:26,381
I can hardly wait to get my hands
on that plow.
344
00:25:26,458 --> 00:25:29,427
All right, laugh, laugh.
345
00:25:29,494 --> 00:25:30,688
Oh, you kill me.
346
00:25:31,596 --> 00:25:33,689
- Well, Jeb, we all set?
- Yep.
347
00:25:33,765 --> 00:25:36,029
Gee, I've been waitin'
a long time for this.
348
00:25:36,101 --> 00:25:39,730
You better let me finish plowing the hill.
You'll find it smoother goin' up on the flat.
349
00:25:39,804 --> 00:25:43,570
Listen, Jeb, this is my farm, and by golly
I'm gonna farm it. Put them things on me.
350
00:25:43,642 --> 00:25:45,803
- Yep.
- You just get on over there and watch.
351
00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:48,072
All right.
352
00:25:48,146 --> 00:25:51,411
Giddap. Oh, yeah,
this is right down my back alley.
353
00:25:51,483 --> 00:25:54,247
I'll probably plow
about 50 or 60 acres today.
354
00:25:54,319 --> 00:25:56,583
Whoa! Whoa, Bessie! Come on, Bessie.
355
00:25:56,655 --> 00:26:00,113
Stay over here in the ballpark.
Throw me out a straight man.
356
00:26:00,191 --> 00:26:03,160
Come on, Bessie, cooperate.
Come around here, will ya?
357
00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:06,425
Hey, you better go that way.
358
00:26:06,498 --> 00:26:09,490
Don't tell me which way to go.
I know where to go.
359
00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:13,732
Come on around here, Bessie.
Hurry! Bess! Come here, Bessie!
360
00:26:26,351 --> 00:26:29,320
Oh, Dad!
361
00:26:29,387 --> 00:26:31,719
Come and get it!
362
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:38,260
Huh. Anybody can plow
them straight lines.
363
00:26:38,330 --> 00:26:41,322
But when you make 'em round like that,
you can plant more in 'em.
364
00:26:41,399 --> 00:26:43,959
If you don't think so,
you go ahead and measure 'em.
365
00:26:44,035 --> 00:26:47,004
That's what they call scientific farming.
366
00:26:47,072 --> 00:26:51,600
Whoa. Yeah.
Anyway, that plow's crooked.
367
00:26:53,845 --> 00:26:55,836
Ah, this is the life.
368
00:26:55,914 --> 00:26:58,974
A hard day's work in the field,
then home to a great dinner.
369
00:26:59,050 --> 00:27:03,146
Oh, a great dinner. I only hope you'll
be able to eat it. I know it's gonna be awful.
370
00:27:03,221 --> 00:27:07,317
But don't you kids be foolish, because if it
isn't any good, we'll open a can of beans.
371
00:27:07,392 --> 00:27:09,383
Now-
372
00:27:10,795 --> 00:27:12,990
Oh, let's see it.
373
00:27:13,064 --> 00:27:16,033
You open it, Wendy.
I haven't the courage.
374
00:27:22,774 --> 00:27:25,971
Mom, it looks just like the ad
in the Ladies HomeJournal.
375
00:27:31,583 --> 00:27:34,177
Kit! What's the matter?
376
00:27:34,252 --> 00:27:38,313
Oh, I can't help it.
377
00:27:38,390 --> 00:27:41,325
It's the first thing that I ever cooked.
378
00:27:43,928 --> 00:27:46,590
- That's marvelous.
- It's all right.
379
00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:49,429
All right. Come and get it.
380
00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:53,835
We've got to step lively now if we're going
to make that meeting at the town hall.
381
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:03,675
Howdy, folks. Hello. Hello.
382
00:28:03,748 --> 00:28:06,774
Well, we're here.
Ah, good evening, ladies.
383
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:08,944
- Good evening.
- Oh.
384
00:28:09,020 --> 00:28:12,581
Isn't it a lovely evening?
They're shy, aren't they?
385
00:28:12,657 --> 00:28:14,887
Oh!
386
00:28:14,959 --> 00:28:17,427
Oh, good evening there, stranger.
387
00:28:17,495 --> 00:28:20,931
Say, tell me. What kind of a crop
do you think they're gonna have this year?
388
00:28:20,999 --> 00:28:23,559
- Ask me in September.
- What is it-
389
00:28:23,635 --> 00:28:26,035
Oh, look.
390
00:28:26,104 --> 00:28:29,130
- I'm awful glad to see you tonight, stranger.
- Huh? Yeah.
391
00:28:29,207 --> 00:28:32,233
We certainly do like
your little town, Mr., uh-
392
00:28:32,310 --> 00:28:35,575
- What did you say your name was?
- I don't think I said.
393
00:28:35,647 --> 00:28:38,548
Chatterbox is quite a character,
ain't he?
394
00:28:40,285 --> 00:28:43,743
- Don't you remember me, Mr. Stationmaster?
- Why, well, yeah.
395
00:28:43,822 --> 00:28:45,813
- Hello, Jeb.
- Hello.
396
00:28:45,890 --> 00:28:48,222
What's the matter with all these people?
397
00:28:48,293 --> 00:28:50,284
- Have they got dyspepsia?
- No.
398
00:28:50,361 --> 00:28:52,761
- Are they always like this?
- Yep.
399
00:28:57,001 --> 00:28:59,265
Good evening, folks.
400
00:28:59,337 --> 00:29:03,831
Makes my blood boil every time
I read that newspaper of his.
401
00:29:03,908 --> 00:29:06,308
Stonefield Democrat.
402
00:29:06,377 --> 00:29:09,813
Going the same way his party.
I suppose he'll start drinking too.
403
00:29:09,881 --> 00:29:12,679
Newspaperman. Huh.
404
00:29:17,355 --> 00:29:21,314
Uh, pardon me, mister. Could you tell me
how soon the meeting begins?
405
00:29:21,392 --> 00:29:23,690
- 8:00. Promptly at 8:00.
- Thank you so much.
406
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:27,664
You see, we're strangers.
We just moved here. We're the Ballantines.
407
00:29:27,732 --> 00:29:31,293
Oh, sure. Where's your mother and father?
I'd like to get an interview.
408
00:29:31,369 --> 00:29:34,361
Oh, are you a newspaper man?
409
00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:37,875
Well, there seems to be
some question about that.
410
00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:41,002
Mom and Dad are right over there.
I'll introduce you.
411
00:29:41,079 --> 00:29:44,947
If I'd known we were going to be interviewed,
I'd have brought our scrapbook.
412
00:29:45,016 --> 00:29:47,348
But that's all right.
Dad will tell you everything.
413
00:29:47,418 --> 00:29:49,852
You'll like him. Everybody does.
414
00:29:49,921 --> 00:29:52,389
Here's a reporter
who wants to interview us.
415
00:29:52,457 --> 00:29:55,358
Mighty glad to know you,
Mr. Ballantine, Mrs. Ballantine.
416
00:29:55,426 --> 00:29:57,894
I'm Mike Shea of the Democrat,
county's leading weekly.
417
00:29:57,962 --> 00:30:00,123
Democrat up in this part
of New England?
418
00:30:00,198 --> 00:30:03,656
Yes, sir. You're looking at the editor,
reporter and typesetter rolled into one.
419
00:30:03,735 --> 00:30:06,795
- Well, tell me something. Do they read the paper here?
- They've got to.
420
00:30:06,871 --> 00:30:09,738
- Only one in town.
- Mr. Shea, we really don't want any publicity.
421
00:30:09,808 --> 00:30:12,470
Well, Kit, I wouldn't go
so far as to say that. We-
422
00:30:12,544 --> 00:30:14,705
Neither would I.
You see, I promised Mr. Shea-
423
00:30:14,779 --> 00:30:17,304
Why, you're news.
You people are an asset to this town.
424
00:30:17,382 --> 00:30:20,840
- And, believe me, it can certainly use a few assets.
- Thank you very much, my friend.
425
00:30:20,919 --> 00:30:24,184
You might say that we're gonna
try and fulfill our duties-
426
00:30:24,255 --> 00:30:26,689
- Oh, Judy!
- You might also quote me-
427
00:30:26,758 --> 00:30:28,749
He's nice, isn't he?
428
00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:30,988
- Judy, I've got to talk to you.
- I haven't time.
429
00:30:31,062 --> 00:30:34,190
- After the meeting then?
- I'm sorry, but we're staying for the church social.
430
00:30:34,265 --> 00:30:37,530
And after that, we're going to listen
to a little shortwave at my radio store.
431
00:30:37,602 --> 00:30:39,866
I don't thinkJudith
wants to talk to you, Shea.
432
00:30:39,938 --> 00:30:41,929
Ah, now, Freddy,
put yourself in her place.
433
00:30:42,006 --> 00:30:45,669
Why, you'd be just palpitating to talk to me.
Are you palpitating, Judy?
434
00:30:45,743 --> 00:30:48,405
- Not so you could notice it.
- Well, there's your answer.
435
00:30:48,479 --> 00:30:52,108
Fred, please.
I'll be with you in a moment.
436
00:30:52,183 --> 00:30:55,880
- Well, what do you want?
- I want to get this whole mess straightened out, Judy.
437
00:30:55,954 --> 00:30:57,945
You've been dodging me
for a week now.
438
00:30:58,022 --> 00:31:01,082
I don't intend to stand here
and let you insult me.
439
00:31:01,159 --> 00:31:04,128
What if I did print an editorial calling
your Aunt Hester a museum piece?
440
00:31:04,195 --> 00:31:07,562
She is a museum piece. But what I say
about her, no matter what it is...
441
00:31:07,632 --> 00:31:09,759
shouldn't make any difference
between you and me.
442
00:31:09,834 --> 00:31:12,962
Look, Mike, what you said about
my Aunt Hester is only part of it.
443
00:31:13,037 --> 00:31:15,699
It's everything you've been doing
since you took over your father's paper.
444
00:31:15,773 --> 00:31:19,265
- Now wait a minute.
- Oh, I know. You had to print what you pleased.
445
00:31:19,344 --> 00:31:23,610
Save the town from stagnation.
You wouldn't settle down like a normal person.
446
00:31:23,681 --> 00:31:26,946
- No, not you.
- That's not you talking, Judy. That's your Aunt Hester.
447
00:31:27,018 --> 00:31:29,248
Would you like me to elucidate,
young man?
448
00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:32,153
I don't think it'll be necessary,
Aunt Hester.
449
00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:36,956
- Good evening, ladies.
- Good evening.
450
00:31:37,028 --> 00:31:40,088
- Shall we go in, Judith?
- I think we'd better find our seats.
451
00:31:40,164 --> 00:31:42,155
Will you excuse us?
452
00:31:44,202 --> 00:31:46,227
What a shame.
453
00:31:46,304 --> 00:31:49,068
Yeah, the plot's all twisted.
Girl gets wrong boy.
454
00:31:49,140 --> 00:31:52,906
- You'll have to fix that up, Dad.
- If you ask me, that girl could use some good advice.
455
00:31:52,977 --> 00:31:55,741
- You said it.
- Just who, may I ask, could use some good advice?
456
00:31:55,813 --> 00:31:59,078
- I was speaking about a cousin of mine from-
- A cousin we have in Topeka.
457
00:31:59,150 --> 00:32:01,141
He had some trouble
with his mother-in-law.
458
00:32:01,219 --> 00:32:03,449
She must've been weaned on a pickle.
459
00:32:03,521 --> 00:32:06,354
- Come on, Dad. It's town hall tonight!
- Come on. Let's go in.
460
00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:09,916
There seems to be
so much gloom around here.
461
00:32:09,994 --> 00:32:13,691
You don't know enough
to pound sand down a rat hole!
462
00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:17,098
Maybe so. But I know enough
to stop talking once in a while!
463
00:32:17,168 --> 00:32:20,262
Stop your squabbling, Sam.
464
00:32:20,338 --> 00:32:25,105
A man's a right to speak his mind here whether
you agree with him or not. Go ahead, Pete.
465
00:32:25,176 --> 00:32:28,942
This bridge has gotta be repaired
before she collapses.
466
00:32:29,013 --> 00:32:33,211
- How much will it cost?
- Mr. Baldwin calculates it'll cost about $50.
467
00:32:33,284 --> 00:32:35,878
Then I say wait till she collapses!
468
00:32:35,954 --> 00:32:40,823
That fellow's wrong. It'll cost less to repair
the bridge than it would to build a new one.
469
00:32:40,892 --> 00:32:43,952
Sure, Dad. You've got opinions.
Why don't you say something?
470
00:32:44,028 --> 00:32:47,020
Anybody got any more
to say about the proposition?
471
00:32:47,098 --> 00:32:49,123
- Go on, Joe.
- Go on, Dad.
472
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:53,193
All right then. Matter's deferred till next year.
473
00:32:53,271 --> 00:32:56,468
Well, I guess that finishes the agenda.
474
00:32:58,142 --> 00:33:01,043
Yes, that finishes the agenda.
475
00:33:01,112 --> 00:33:04,081
Now if someone will move
to adjourn the town hall-
476
00:33:04,148 --> 00:33:06,309
- Mr. Moderator?
- Yeah, Mr. Shea?
477
00:33:06,384 --> 00:33:09,842
Folks, you know I couldn't let a meeting
go by without reminding you...
478
00:33:09,921 --> 00:33:13,049
that there are still a few young people
living in Stonefield.
479
00:33:13,124 --> 00:33:15,217
Or should I say vegetating?
480
00:33:15,293 --> 00:33:18,057
Yeah, and most of'em
ain't dry behind the ears yet.
481
00:33:18,129 --> 00:33:21,394
Maybe so. But we don't claim
to be suffering from dry rot.
482
00:33:21,466 --> 00:33:23,991
But we figure that's what ails Stonefield.
483
00:33:24,068 --> 00:33:27,697
Fellow citizens, we've got a real
progressive program for our town...
484
00:33:27,772 --> 00:33:30,741
and it won't cost a great deal of money
to put it into effect.
485
00:33:30,808 --> 00:33:35,245
Seems that bein' progressive and spendin'
other people's money amounts to the same thing.
486
00:33:35,313 --> 00:33:38,373
Now I'll tell you what's keeping us broke.
487
00:33:38,449 --> 00:33:42,749
Tradition. You're all afraid to do anything
any differently than your grandfathers did it.
488
00:33:42,820 --> 00:33:45,220
What's wrong with the way they did it?
489
00:33:45,289 --> 00:33:48,258
Nothing. Only they did it
in another century.
490
00:33:48,326 --> 00:33:51,454
Now I respect tradition
as much as the next man...
491
00:33:51,529 --> 00:33:54,430
but I don't respect it
when it stands in the way of progress.
492
00:33:54,499 --> 00:33:57,024
Now let's get wise to ourselves.
493
00:33:57,101 --> 00:34:00,036
Let's realize that we're not living
on a desert island...
494
00:34:00,104 --> 00:34:03,972
but right spang within the borders
of a big, lively, up-and-coming nation...
495
00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:06,510
the United States.
496
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,280
We've heard all this before, Mr. Shea.
497
00:34:11,349 --> 00:34:14,750
Well, anyway, for the record,
I want to propose our usual resolution-
498
00:34:14,819 --> 00:34:18,880
that a board be appointed, no member
of which may be over 30 years of age...
499
00:34:18,956 --> 00:34:22,790
to promote Stonefield as a tourist center,
to attract new industries here...
500
00:34:22,860 --> 00:34:27,957
and to make our town a more prosperous
and progressive place in which to live.
124610
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