Original subtitles

Jump back, baby.

Fritz, did you go down and see the welfare people today?

Yeah. They told me to report someplace tomorrow.

I got it written down on a piece of paper, I think.

Listen, are you gonna go?

I don't know. Let's fuck.

Then will you go out and look for a job like you said?

What? Did I say that?

Man, oh, man, am I stoned!

How is it a grown man can spend so much time...

just dreaming about what he's gonna do for his family?

For Christ's sakes! Will you come down to Earth?

What we need is the basic staff of life!

Like grub!

I never saw anybody walking around more stoned than you.

Always stoned!

Where do you get the money to buy that grass?

Will you tell me?

You and your Acapulco Gold.

You know what that is? That's shit!

Which is what you are! You are shit, Fritz!

Here's something you don't know.

Harvey and I made it. What do you think of that?

We made it, and he's better in bed than you are.

You know why? He's hung like a horse.

What about you? You're nothing.

You're nothing in the living room.

You're nothing in the bathroom.

You're nothing in bed.

You don't even change the damn roller on the toilet paper.

I'm the one that uses that mostly.

And what about putting the seat down?

Why don't you ever do that?

Why don't you take that chicken-shit grin off your face?

Fritz! You're a no-good!

How much can a person take?

And why don't you ever put the goddamn seat down...

when you're through peeing?

You rotten putz, you!

That's all you do is sit around.

I never saw anything like it in my entire life!

You know what I would like to do to you?

I would like to take you and shake you...

until all your teeth fall right onto the floor...

and then you know what I'd do?

I'd stamp on them, all the teeth...

and I'd make them right into powder.

And then I'd sprinkle the powder right over your head.

And then I would knock you right in the goddamn face!

I'd like to pulverize you!

I'd take your nose...

and I'd put it across the room on the wall.

I'd like to knock you into next week sometimes!

This is it, Fritz. I'm really sore.

Now, I'm really sore. I am sick to death!

I'm gonna tell you one time and one time only...

so you better listen to me...

because if you don't listen to me now...

I ain't gonna say it again.

I'll go out and get myself a two by four...

and beat your fucking head in!

You are gonna pick up after yourself.

From now on, I'm through picking up after you.

And you will put the seat down on that goddamn toilet!

I'm telling you one time and one time only.

You're a no-good bum, and I've had it with you, Fritz!

I have had it with you!

And let me tell you something else.

I know you play around.

Don't try to lie to me.

You don't even have a guilty look on your face.

You really don't give a goddamn.

I know that you're playing around.

Don't think I haven't seen you.

I get telephone calls from girls.

They call me up. God knows why they want you.

Don't they know how shitty you are in bed?!

Hey, man, don't do that.

What? Do what?

You know what I'm talking about.

What the hell are you laying on me, man?

I ain't laying nothing on you, man.

It's what you laid on me. No need to be crude.

God damn it, you freaking out or something?

Look, Juan, if we can just cash this welfare check...

we can get us some Rip Bull or maybe even some muscatel.

Kiss off, dude! That's your problem.

You ain't got the guts to admit when you're wrong.

You just passed gas at me, man, and that's uncool.

Oh, wow.

Don't have the guts to confess you're a goddamn coward.

You're just like my sister.

Well, you P.R.s are hypersensitive, you know?

I thought you and me were friends.

A little wig out, I'm a religion now, huh?

A P.R., huh? Nice.

Hey, about your sister, Juan...

does she have big tits?

I wish you people would learn to speak English.

Christ knows we were here first.

It's the only way I talk to a man who has habits like a pig.

Man, don't be that way.

Let's get some wine and go see your sister...

and maybe we can get it on.

Beats the hell out of freezing our balls off, right?

No deal, man. I can't trust you no more.

I can't let you fuck my sister, you know?

You got no class, man.

You wouldn't let me fuck your sister.

Why should I let you fuck mine?

Listen, your sister is some piece of ass.

I know, man. Yeah.

My sister?

Wow, man, I can't believe that.

Yeah, man, you better believe it.

She was a female creature of tender passion...

of simple earthen charm, you know?

Wow, dude, that's good.

Yeah, you could say that.

Juan, you better get back in the phone booth again.

I feel a fart coming on.

Check it out.

We done came all the way across town...

done caught busses and cars and hitchhiked to get here...

then put on our best clothes...

so we can walk in this neighborhood...

so we can get in one of these white houses...

to rip off one of them $400 televisions...

one of them $300 watches...

one of them Panasonic, rena-sonic...

exto-sonic, plesto-plastic stereos.

With the quadro-flex, modu-lextic...

medu-modula needles and shit...

Big-time shit, man.

I ain't never heard of nothing like that.

You ain't in this community, blood!

That's why we came here, you know what I'm saying?

You don't know what you doing, man.

I also be doing this big-time organizing and shit.

You ripping off washing machines and toilet paper.

Unusual odd shit. Now you know why we here.

OK, now...

we gonna crawl in this here window, all right?

You take the downstairs, and I'll take the upstairs.

Why is it that I always got to take the downstairs?

Beause you don't like jumping out of windows, man.

Shit!

Now, will you cut that out, Fritz?

Hey!

The beauty of cannabis.

And then once we get inside, get everything--

don't get no washing machines-- then leave.

Somebody's home!

Doesn't it fill you with joy?

Is that cat smoking?

The unfettered exuberance, the lust for life?

It makes you...

Look how he's smoking weed.

want to drop your phony inhibitions...

and love your fellow man?

Look at that chick with them titties!

Or brother, maybe. Doesn't it? Huh?

It is Juan's sister.

Don't you kind of see things more clearly, huh?

That's right. Take a good, long drag, sis.

Now breathe in the smoke. Deep.

It'll help clear your sinuses.

Hey, I feel light-headed.

That is Juan's sister, man!

He's going to the store!

Looks like a feature film, you know what I mean?

Right on.

Will it really expand my...awareness?

Well, you know what they say...

"Take tea and see."

Doesn't clear my sinuses at all.

Daddy says you're only good for getting the papers.

Is that all you're good for, Fritz?

That's some kick, huh?

You know the most interesting thing about smoking?

It causes excessive perspiration...

and a person has to take off all his clothes.

Otherwise, he can drown to death in his own juices.

Now, this activity is like artificial respiration.

Smoke some more of this shit. Fuck them.

If I get up in this pad, I got the downstairs--

-Hold it in. -I'll knock it out.

You'd knock it out, you'd what?

I love my brother's friends.

Man, he ought to put a bag over that ugly bitch's head.

Stick her head in the couch, man.

Before I stick my thing in her...

-Look at them fuck. -Man, hold up.

Makes me kind of horny, man.

-Yeah. -Let's rob.

Duck, man. There's a car coming up the driveway.

I bet it's her old man.

Is this good for the liver?

Oh, Fritz. That's good!

Chita!

That's the ugliest motherfucker.

Daddy!

Look at that snaggle-toothed...

big, greasy, fucking nasty pig.

Gee, pops, maybe I should go get the papers, huh?

Papers?! Why, you, you! Little son of a bitch.

What do you want, pops, News or the Times?

Pink commie bastard!

Shit.

I guess you killed him, right in the ass.

I guess we can't rob this pad today, huh?

We'll come back tomorrow.

My sister was once in psychoanalysis.

She says you're a boy who would fuck his mother.

And what have you done for Ralphie?

Other than to teach him how to masturbate?

And left-handed, no less.

You must be new around here.

I haven't seen your face before.

My old lady kicked me out of the house.

I've had this streak of bad luck lately...

and she's been making noise I should go find work.

What'd you say, something about work?

Everybody knows that's what kills a man.

Starts out with an eight-hour day...

forty hours a week...

and, hell, boy, before you know it...

you're married to some fine-ass woman and buying a house.

I'll help you.

Yeah, that's terrible.

Work is terrible.

What the hell do you get for it, anyway?

Jeez, I don't know.

It's just money is all. It's evil.

I tell you, it's evil.

It all starts from having to work.

Now, if you don't have to work...

why, you don't get any money.

You know what I mean? It's that simple.

Yeah. That's what I try to tell my old lady.

She sent my ass down to the welfare office again...

and those creeps started to hit on me...

about receiving public assistance for over a year...

and here was my last-- Are you OK?

It's my last check and all...

and I had failed to find employment again.

It's just too much bullshit, so I split.

It doesn't pay to hit the big time.

-No. -Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Well, you got any plans, son?

Oh, yeah. I figured I'd settle down here.

Get away from all the zipper-heads uptown.

Not get involved with all the extemporaneous bullshit.

And, hey, by the way, what's your name?

Oh, I'm God.

Wow, man, that is heavy.

You're really God, huh? No shit?

You OK?

I've been God for about three and a half years now.

A lot of responsibility, you know.

I'll bet.

Also, I'm black belt karate.

No shit? Wow, this really blows my mind.

Me, I'm standing here rapping with God.

Far out!

You want to be my assistant?

Well...

I might be forced to give up my job.

I can't keep busting my ass this here way.

Anyway, I've been into some heavy gear in one of my lives.

I got nine of them, pal.

I got hung up with the weirdest dude one time...

you could ever imagine.

This guy I'm thinking of was really psycho...

you wouldn't believe it.

Jesus.

Wow, God, you really do some weird shit, you know?

Make the fucking world in seven days--try it sometime.

Work your vanilla!

Oh, the Yanks are coming!

And remember, your fathers and mothers...

and all of your Fatherland will be watching you.

Envying in the great glory...

for which you have been selected...

you all have promised to die for the Fuhrer.

Who wants to be next?

Ooh! Oh, Mama!

Mama, was Papa ever like this?

Mein Fuhrer, the bombs have just killed your orderly!

Ah, another orderly gone.

Get me another one!

Order another orderly quickly!

Another orderly quickly!

Another orderly!

Another orderly for the Fuhrer!

Put up an "Out of Orderly" sign!

-Harder! -I get excited! Good!

My Lenore!

My liebchen!

Ohh! Hans! I mean, he was--ohh!

Hans, I'm sorry. I--

Stand aside!

Oh, he was so wonderful! Oh, Hans!

I mean, he was--

My aching swastika!

I thought being a Nazi as all "Sieg, Sieg"...

and "Sieg Heil!" This is for shit!

I better get my ass the fuck out of here.

War is hell!

Mein Fuhrer, here are the candidates for your orderly.

Heil Hitler!

Sieg heil!

That one!

I want that one!

Him! That's him!

Excuse me, Fuhrer. I didn't mean to stare.

What is it? You see something missing maybe?

No, no! Everything's fine...

but you've only got one ball.

Everybody in the Third Reich has to do without something!

I see.

When the Fuhrer is naked, everyone is naked!

Well, here I am, aren't l? Hi.

Imbecile. Imbecile.

Don't you know what is expected of you now?

What? I think you dropped something.

What? I dropped something?

I put the soap in your hand, you see...

and you seem to have let it go.

Dropped it, like...

almost like you weren't interested in washing at all!

I was not conscious of this.

It is simple to see, Mein Fuhrer.

You're real motivations are blocked here.

Blocked? What is blocked?

It's a new word.

It means what's inside can't get outside.

Some kind of Freudian horseshit.

Oh, inside, can't get out...

You're a nice boy.

I'm going to make a confession.

Sometimes, I would like to be a ballet dancer.

Really? No kidding?

I often see myself in the opera.

Oh, wow.

And the people are applauding me!

Well, sure they would.

There you go! You see?

That means this whole number you're doing--

this conquest of the world thing...

or whatever it is, is just to get attention.

Interesting you should say that...

but I am washing, see, now?

So why did I drop the soap?

Well, that, my dear Herr Hitler...

is a question you must ask yourself...

when you wrestle with the true identity, you know.

I mean, in the dawning of self-awareness...

between you and your pillow, man...

when after the labors of sleepless nights...

you gained the exalted heights of the altar of truth!

You have insight.

When I see something I want, I grab it.

Sure, why not?

And my stomach doesn't stop to ask my head if it's hungry.

No, that figures.

By the way, what is your name?

Fritz.

Well, Fritz, you say you once had three balls?

Yeah.

Would you like to try for one?

I don't--Sir!

Listen--OK, OK!

Now, look, I'm gonna pick up the soap.

I am. Just wait.

I'm gonna bend over now. Just...

I'm gonna-- Hey, watch it, will ya?!

Mein Fuhrer, wait!

Oh, my God, wait!

Ich bin der fuhrer!

Gee, Fuhrer, now you got no balls.

Mein Fuhrer!

Gentlemen, we can no longer continue.

War is just a question of balls.

Ja, balls.

Goebbels. Goebbels, are you not...

my most loyal and truthful assistant?

Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer.

Did you not invent the slogan which binds all us Nazis?

Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer.

And what is that slogan?

Death before dishonor.

What an asshole slogan.

You can always change the slogan.

You must think of Fraulein Braun.

She needs you.

Ja, think of Eva.

How she would miss you, Adolf.

That's right.

After all, who could take my place?

Sieg heil!

I got that Nazi rat bastard...

right between the crack in his ass!

Now how do those sons of bitches expect to win a war...

when they're out of goddamn uniform, huh?

I don't have any time to do anything for myself!

I don't even have time to get myself a new diaphragm!

If you hold it up to the light, you can see little pinholes.

Fritz, I'm tired of plugging it up with Chapstick!

Out of my shop. I won't cash your check...

and there's no such thing as a refund on those things...

just 'cause you say it don't fit quite right.

But it's never been used, Niki.

I'll even take a prorated refund.

It was used!

Well, only a little, a quickie.

And I bet I know who this was used on, too, huh?

OK, Niki, you're on. Try to guess who.

Let's see now. With your filthy taste...

Iet's see, it must be a fat one, right?

Yeah, right. Go on.

And I just bet she sweat a lot, and she smell like a goat, huh?

Right.

And she's got bad breath, no teeth?

Yes! Go on! You're getting warmer!

And she's got big, hairy...

goddamn moustache on the top lip!

Oh, you got me, Niki. You got me nailed, man.

And I'll bet...

that fucking whore been with every guy on this block, right?

Right!

Niki, you're a genius!

Niki, you only left out one thing.

What did I leave out, Fritz?

You know what? She's got the clap!

That's right!

How could I skip that? That's a nice one.

She got to have the clap, right?

She has to.

-Hey, Fritz. -Shit.

Fritz, I'll tell you something. You're not so bad, you know?

Maybe I'll cash your check after all.

Hey, Fritz, tell me...

what's this fat whore pig's name, huh?

-What's the broad's name? -Gina.

-Hey, Fritz. -What?

That's a-my wife's name.

Gina is my wife's name. She don't have the clap.

She does now.

Why, you--

You fucking cat, I rip your balls off!

Get the fuck out of my shop!

Fuck off! You fucking cat!

I kill you! I fuck you in the ass!

Fritz, man, what's all this noise about, man?

I can hear all the way from the alley.

Don't even come here!

Aw, nothing. Niki can't take a joke.

He takes things too seriously.

It's hard not to around here.

Gets pretty fucking deadly sometimes.

I heard it was better years ago, you know what I mean?

But, Lenny, things have always been, more or less...

up-and-down situation.

This street wasn't always a shit-house, let me tell ya.

And even as far back as the thirties...

there were those who gave and those that took.

Aw, Fritz, but what do I do with this here thing?

You can have it. I'm done with it anyway.

When I was back in the thirties...

I was one very sharp continental-type stud.

The only thing we have to fear is...

fear itself.

People must have faith.

Together...we cannot fail.

And it is up to you... to support...and make it work.

Hey, putz!

Your idea of helping out with the gas shortage...

was to stop eating pizza...

and bring home four of your hooker friends...

to sleep with us at night to stimulate heat.

Look, I don't know how you can own a business...

and not be able to cash...

this miserable pittance of a welfare check is all.

If I give you all my money...

I'll have nothing left to buy with.

Oh, Christ, then you are in luck, Morris.

Look at this. Knowing of your love for the unusual...

I've brought you something you won't be able to resist.

-I know it. -Resist?

Believe me, I could resist.

Just look at it, Morris-- the design, the gentle contours.

Why, it's almost Louis Quinze for Christ's sake.

It's disgusting, for Christ's sake.

It's the type of item that will sell so fast...

you'll be pleading for more inside of a week, believe me.

It's been used. I can tell.

What? Used? By a little old lady.

A one-owner shitter-- and genteel.

That's gentile, you stupid bastard.

Don't get hosteel.

That's "hostile."

You're taking the wrong approach, Morris.

Now, some of my best friends are Jewish.

Do I look like the Chase Manhattan Bank?

You come in here with out-of-money look in your face.

Look like you got hit in the head with a foul pitch...

and you want to sell me this.

But with inflation, the value of a dollar going down...

my expenses skyrocketing...

Why, even this week, the price of a decent circumcision...

something I shudder to think about.

I agree with you there...

but what's that got to do with my toilet seat?

That's the point, my friend.

My old seder used to say to me...

"Morris, take a pickle. It's made for eating."

The thing you're holding is made for shitting.

It's simple logic.

You could even be a Rockefeller.

It's tough to find a good pickle.

Socioeconomically speaking, you're absolutely correct, but--

Look, Fritz...

the pickles are beginning to get to me.

And these days, a soft stool is too important to me...

for something to quibble, so I'll make you a deal.

Tell you what I'm going to do.

You give me the seat, I'll trade for you a bargain.

Where did you get this thing?

Questions--youth, all the time, questions.

Nowadays people don't know an opportunity...

when it smacks them upside of the face.

I think I've been screwed.

With that, you could be the next man on the moon.

Fuck the moon. I been further than that once.

That's no big deal. I'd rather take a shit.

So would l. Give me the seat.

I'm going to hit you on the top of the head.

This should cure you. Here we go. I say heal!

Heal, Mr. Cobbs, heal!

Through the power vested in me by God, Jesus Christ...

I'm going to heal you, Mr. Cobb.

Hello, world.

This is the event mankind has been waiting for--

the first man launched to Mars.

Fritz, I got to tell you something right out in front.

If it wouldn't be for this fucking cold...

I'd be going all the way to Mars with you.

39 million miles--a drop kick.

But the doc says I can't fly with this cold.

It's bad for the ears.

He said something about me popping a drum or something...

I don't know.

Jeez, I got to get some more Binaca.

Put that in my bring-ups, will you?

Fritz, you know how I hate to bother you...

when you're getting near the pad...

but we got to make a decision on the Poli-Grip account.

I can see you with a package of five spots...

for the Japanese and Taiwan market.

Incidentally, the residuals will be unreal.

It's eight million yen for every thirteen-week cycle...

and you don't have to declare it.

You know, there's a whole cult...

of denture-adhesive freaks out there...

just waiting for a leader.

Some of them still got their own teeth.

Am I bothering you with all this, Fritz?

My God, Fritz, I got to get some air in here.

I feel myself slipping away.

Now, I know you're against charities...

and benefits and freebies...

but hear me out on this one, Fritzie.

There's a nationwide charity telethon coming up...

the first of next month...

for the further development of all-vegetable...

organically-grown polyunsaturated Preparation H--

with suntan oil.

Jerry Lewis is going to be there--everybody.

And before you shut me off, I got to tell you...

the exposure will be sensational for you.

And we might even have a spin-off...

on a new movie that's coming out...

with Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello...

called "Beach Ball Piles."

Well, Fritz, I see we arrived at the pad...

so this will give you some things to think about...

on a 39-million mile trip.

And remember, Fritz, sweetheart, I'd be with you all the way...

it wouldn't be for this fucking cold.

Hot damn. That chick wouldn't look bad...

holding up a Hershey's bar, would she?

With nuts.

Ah, freedom of the press.

Jeez, I feel sorry for the poor slob.

I wouldn't make that trip with him with six points.

Hey, Fritz, baby, want to talk to Walter?

Sure. Why not?

Fritz, does being the first to set foot on Mars--

golly--kind of give you goose bumps?

Ahem. Gentlemen, I've been up and down...

the four corners of this big old world...

and I've seen it all, and I've done it all.

I've fought many a good man and laid many a good woman.

And I've had riches, fame, and adventure, too.

Yes. I've stood eyeball-to-eyeball with death...

countless times and never, never once squinted.

Oh, I've tasted life to the fullest...

and still my tortured soul cries out--more!

More! Oh, shit! God, can there be any more?

How do it feel, Fritz?

I mean, Mars ain't around the corner.

You're so right.

Hey, would you like to discuss this in private?

Gee, you got a lovely pair of eyes.

In private?

Sure. Listen, doll...

I'd kind of like to give you a break.

You know, kind of help pay back...

for what my people did to your people.

Yeah? What kind of a break?

Well, you know, an exclusive-- an inside story.

Fritz, wait a second! Wait! Come on, what about us?

What about a statement? Give us a break, man, come on.

Baby.

We interrupt this telecast of the first flight to Mars...

for a message of real importance.

As chairman of the board of the Golf Oil company...

with its 13,000 dealers from coast-to-coast...

I want to welcome you all to this momentous event.

When you drive into one of our Golf stations...

say howdy to the man who polishes your window...

and we'll say howdy right back at you.

At this very minute...

you can look at one of our own Golf refineries...

pumping away seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day...

filling your tanks with gasoline.

We at Golf Oil are bringing you this telecast...

in appreciation of the millions of happy Golf customers...

when they say, "Fill 'er up."

What's that I hear?

Jeez, look at the money they put in that rocket.

You could buy time on "The Waltons"...

for a year with that kind of bread.

I wonder how you put a deal like that together.

That's fascinating.

We have ignition.

Me, too!

Baby!

So unbelievable.

My brother-in-law would like a rocket like that.

Shit.

That's fascinating.

Gee, look at that.

Well, there he goes.

When he gets back, we'll make millions.

Jeez, I hope they got that explosion on tape.

It'd be perfect for our forest lawn spots.

Mr. Cobb. Heal, Mr. Cobb.

Yeah. Heal.

Through the power vested in me by God, Jesus Christ...

I'm going to heal you, Mr. Cobb.

Let me make one thing very clear--

I am not a crook.

Why don't you climb up off your ass?

Remember I was telling you you should get to be...

a contestant on "Let's Make a Deal"?

I'll tell you what. You dress up like a frog.

You look good in green. And wear a yarmulke.

I think he likes Jewish people.

Man, am I hung up, strung out, and uptight.

Hey. God damn it, I know that laugh.

Man, it couldn't be.

Hey, man. You in a bag.

Hey, Duke, is it really you?

No shit.

But I thought you were dead. I thought they got you.

Fritz, you ain't changed a bit.

You still don't know where it's at.

What are you doing down here, anyway?

I'm looking for the true meaning of my existence, as usual.

I got tired of the pseudointellectuals...

and the super-hype bullshitters running the world...

determining my destiny.

You dig it? And crushing my creative juices?

Now lay the straight line on me.

My old lady kicked my ass out.

That's what I figured.

But you know, Duke...

it's going to be better for all of us, really.

No shit.

Ain't I heard that somewhere before?

That's no bullshit.

There's better days ahead, I kid you not.

We brothers got some great times rolling our way, man.

-Now you brothers, huh? -Right on.

Shit. No telling how black we'll be...

by the time this little chat ends.

Take my word for it. I know.

Hey, Duke, you ever hear of New Jersey?

Sure.

You ever heard of Ray Charles?

Yeah. Hey, and I'll tell you...

you crows are finally going to come into your own.

You wait and see.

Jive sucker come into the ghetto, talking some stuff.

Ought to cut the jive mother.

Twenty-five.

Ready, aim, fire!

Twenty-six.

Hey, man, your number's up.

Come on, let's get to this.

But--look, please, sir...

you got the wrong guy, see?

Don't push!

At least let me tell you the way it happened, fella, huh?

Go over to the White House and pick up a package.

Yes, sir.

Mr. President.

You've got to do something.

Believe me, there's nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

This--what's his name...

Imaku.

Whatever--is suggesting...

that New Africa make a federation with Cuba...

China, Africa, and Northern lreland.

I never did trust a nigger.

But you voted in favor of giving them New Jersey.

The final solution to the schwartzen problem...

you said.

And we get rid of the Puerto Ricans...

and you can't get a decent shoeshine...

in the whole of America.

I haven't seen a decent football game in ten years.

Honduras beat us in the Olympics.

You know what that means?

We have a whole country full of niggers--

angry niggers, right across the river from New York.

They could fart and destroy Washington.

All we have to do...

is keep President Supreme Jackson in office.

Come in.

Mr. President, I'm from the messenger service.

It's about time.

Now, deliver this to President Supreme Jackson.

In New Jersey? I mean, New Africa?

Well, that's where he is.

But I heard these crows don't let whites in their country.

How long have you been...

with the Red Arrow delivery service?

Today's my first day. I used to be on welfare.

Go to the motor pool and get a car and a pass.

Yes, sir.

Remember, this is important...

to our national security, so don't fail.

I won't fail, sir.

Please. Stop kissing my hand.

-Yes, sir. -And touching my palms.

Can I help you?

I want to see the man in charge.

I'm in charge here.

I came to get a car and a pass into New Africa.

OK, I'll get you a car and a pass to Niggerville.

This is a rotary engine Mazda.

Them niggers will steal anything they can.

No sense in risking a new car to go over there.

We ain't got anybody to wash 'em up no more.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Come here.

If you're going to New Africa...

I got a wife and kid over there.

They had to go with their people...

when they gave the blacks New Jersey.

-No shit? -Could you kind of--

Well, there's a lot of blacks.

You were married to a colored woman?

Shit. That's ten years in the slammer.

Yeah. Look, I don't expect you to look for 'em...

but if you should happen to see 'em...

will you tell 'em l--

tell 'em I said hi.

I wonder if they're still over there?

OK. Your pass is good. Go on.

Oh, hey, how do I find President Supreme Jackson?

Wave a dollar bill.

Yeah. Thanks.

Yeah. Black is beautiful.

Like they say, huh?

I hears de gentle voices

Hey, man.

-Roscoe, dere, dere. -What?

That broad, man. That ugly broad.

Hey, man.

Ain't you going to say hello to your old lady?

-Watch out, now. -That bitch is too ugly...

for you to say hello to in public.

Shoot. I'd go with her a lot quicker...

than I'd go with your mama.

Shoot. She's so ugly...

your daddy don't even want to go with her.

Shit! Look who's talking.

Shit, if ugliness was electricity...

your mama would be walking in a powerhouse.

Oh, man, dig that. That's light shit.

Your mama look like ten miles of bad road, nigger.

Your mama got a face...

that look like it been run over by a bus...

and everybody kept telling how good she looking till you.

And then--so she's been jumping in front of buses ever since.

Man, I don't want to hear that.

Oh, hey, look at that.

Boy, some pair of gazongas there.

That isn't bad. A little young.

But, then, what the hell.

These chicks know where it's at by the time they're 1 1 anyway.

How do I get to the Black House?

You take the number twenty bus on the corner.

You do know what a corner is, don't you, honky?

Somebody help.

Help!

Hey, man. Come on, help me, man, please.

Oh, man. What's the matter?

Well, a gang, man.

They robbed--

-Oh, Jesus. -Help me, man.

Hey, help! There's a man hurt in the alley.

Help me, somebody!

-Where? -Back here.

He hurt bad?

Look, man, there's a phone down the block.

Go and call an ambulance.

Hello?

Operator, give me the hospital.

Give you what?

A hospital--sick, doctor, pain, hurt, you know.

Just a minute, mister.

You looking for a Dr. Sax?

Information number 30-70.

Is that 13-17, or is that 30-70?

-You making fun of me? -No, I just wanted to get--

Sound like you white. You white?

What's that got to do with anything?

Honky, what you doing talking on a New African phone?

Trying to get a hospital.

You're going to need one the way you making fun of people.

Look, all I want to know...

is if the number is 13-17 or 30-70 or what.

You such a smart ass, you figure it out.

My opponent is accusing me of dodging the issues.

Let me say this about that.

Issues is the only thing I'm not dodging.

Hey, two more of the same.

What am I going to do, man? I mean, I work.

I think I look good. I'm still young.

You know, I might have about five children.

And when I saw Jimi Hendrix...

I'd never saw anybody play guitar, play like--

He took a guitar one time and took--

he had it round his neck, right?

And there was a girl in the audience...

that he was dedicating the song to...

and he took it, spun it around his neck, right?

He's got it on his neck, right?

Just going around. Then he takes it...

throws it down between his legs and jerks it off.

He jerks it off, man. I couldn't believe it.

And then threw her right back around his--

and then started playing with his teeth.

That's right. That's him.

And then--after he played it with his teeth...

he dropped it down on the ground...

took some lighter fluid...

You see it on the album cover.

I decided that I just wanted to be a prostitute.

Oh, honey. Wait a minute, baby.

I just want to do my thing, baby.

They tell me I can get me some furs.

How you doing?

Hey, pal...

Nigger, you stepped on my shine!

What's wrong with you?

You better get the fuck outta my face.

-What you talking about? -I'll cut you. Shoot you.

Man, nigger, step outside!

Listen, nigger, you better back off!

I'll cut you from here to tomorrow!

Back up? Ooh, that's right!

I'll cut you so goddamn fast you won't bleed till tomorrow.

Too easy.

Have you got change for a dollar?

Well, now, looky here!

A real live white!

Isn't anybody gonna break up that fight?

Them niggers don't fight, sucker.

Shit! They just roughin'.

What's a whitey doing in this joint?

-Here you go. -Thanks. You got a phone?

It got ripped off.

There's one down the street.

Help! Somebody! Police!

I got five dollars say you ain't gonna buy that number.

In fact, I put my gold teeth on it...

you can't make that number with a pencil and a sheet of--

Who goes there?

-Excuse me. -Don't bother me. I'm hot.

Can you tell me where to find President Supreme Jackson?

This jive motherfu--

He's right inside.

Go ahead. You can't make that money.

Come on seven. Bet five.

Now what is it?

Message from the White House. The honky prez.

-The White House? -Gimme the message.

What does it say?

It says that we attempt an assassination...

and blame it on lmaku, man.

Attempt to assassinate who?

You, fool!

Don't worry, man.

We'll get an expert shot, man, and all he'll do is wound you.

Wound me?

We got to make it look real.

Fuck that shit. I ain't gonna let nobody shoot me.

The answer is no.

Man, I ain't gonna lose this election.

If I got to get shot you are!

Not necessarily.

Fritz? General Jones wants to talk to you!

OK, thanks.

I'm from--

I know where the hell you from--

-Don't anybody move! -What's this?

We found you was bugging our conference...

spying on the movements, tapping the telephones...

and telling the papers I use hair straightener!

How dare you.

-Where's Jackson? -He's dead.

Don't you bullshit me!

I'm not. Killed by an American spy.

What? I didn't kill anybody.

Why would they kill Jackson?

'Cause Jackson was a real brother.

Ain't gonna let this murder go unavenged!

The council has just declared war...

on the United States, and dig that!

I thought you said we were going to lose in two or three days.

It's been two weeks.

Where's all that war reparations money...

we was supposed to get?

All them PXs and black market cigarettes?

Now, give me a chance to get my head together, man.

Now what is it?

The President of the United States.

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President...

Iadies and gentlemen, as Commander in Chief...

of all the United States military forces...

I surrender.

What? Surrender?

What the hell you mean, surrender?!

You better get back to fighting.

You folks ain't never lost a war.

-Shit, you can win! -We getting them whiteys back?

Unconditional surrender.

That's your ass, Jones.

For crimes against the Sovereign Republic of New Africa...

and the assassination...

of our beloved President Supreme Jackson...

you've been ordered executed this day.

You got a last request?

Yes. Please don't shoot me.

Ready...aim...fire!

I bet you voted for Nixon!

Did you by any chance, Mr. Smart Ass...

pop some of my birth control pills?

Oh, shit!

Ralphie just peed on my shoes!

Christ, is it refreshing to get away...

from the pressures of the street.

There's much to be said for the advantages of isolation.

It allows one total freedom to pick and choose...

without the forces of society to wear you down.

Take the example of the influence...

of our present-day culture.

It typifies humanity's lack of personal concern for others.

Hey, fuck you, you inconsiderate bastards!

You just sit there on your fat asses...

and dump on life indiscriminately.

I suppose I should learn to accept...

the miniscule distractions of life, though.

Oh, shit!

The sacred horn of Vishnu wakes you up.

Do wake up, please, young Caucasian...

'cause I've come to save your very soul.

What? You sure you want me?

It is not possible that I could be in error.

You see, my good book here, it guides me as I wander...

through the vast cosmic universe of my experience...

with astral flash and good vibes as my bedfellows.

Wait a minute. I can't get behind that really.

Aren't those the yellow pages?

Oh, man. Could you not do that?

Please to wash my feet. Wash my feet, Caucasian one.

Especially the left one.

Only this morning, I stepped in sacred cow shit.

Wow, man. Hold on now.

I'm not really into washing cow shit off anybody's feet.

This is truly a bad omen.

I, Javral Ben Roderiga...

son of the most ample Javral Ben Roderiga Sr...

have been truly affronted.

Look, I didn't mean to offend you, man.

Silence. There is no need to explain.

Oh, yeah, this is nice. Very nice.

The brass horn of Vishnu announces...

that I am the second of two sent from the East.

Two also were sent from the West.

No matter.

It was to cure those, those poor unfortunates...

afflicted with the leprosy.

Jeez, that's really a shame, because I've seen...

a lot of disease down here, but no leprosy--so far.

No leprosy? No running sores?

Nothing like that.

This is most disturbing news. But chronic backache?

None of my friends have that, either, I don't think.

Well, then perhaps the dreaded dandruff...

or the very heartbreak of psoriasis?

No. I'll tell you the truth. I think you're a little late.

See, I think that went down a long time ago.

I could tell you a story, if you'd care to--

If you could possibly make it short...

because there is a strong possibility...

that I should be in Philadelphia.

Jesus, this stuff is dynamite.

The eyes of my own soul staring back at me.

God knows I've lived the best lives I was capable of.

My minor infractions of society's rules were only due--

Oh, please, Lucifer, don't take me!

I'm not ready! I'll change!

I'm already changing. Look at me change.

Oh, my God, what a way to go.

Excuse me, certainly. Hello?

Yoo-hoo down there.

Excuse me. Did anyone find an earring?

I dropped my earring in the trash. You'd recognize it.

It opens on one side. Kind of a jade color.

It's got a picture of Errol Flynn and Alan Hale naked--

Oh, Jesus Christ! Lucifer's a faggot!

Jesus Christ, my life is shit!

I had to get knocked up. I could've had an abortion.

No. Mr. Good-Time Charlie over there.

"No," he says. "Have the baby.

"We'll get married. I'll take care of you."

What'll you take care of?

It's a good thing we got Ralphie.

Otherwise, we don't even get welfare.

Will you tell me one thing you ever did for my Ralphie?

Do you ever play with him?

Do you ever take him to the ballgame?

Do you ever take him fishing? How about fishing?

Why don't you take your own son fishing?

You don't even change his kitty litter!

Did you know that Dr. Spock...

has stated very clearly in his book...

that fathers who are never there...

usually makes a fag kid?

Do you know what he does most of the time around the house?

If he's not picking his nose, he's jerking off.

How's that gonna look when he starts kindergarten?

Suck my dick, huh?

You get outta here!

Pack your things and get out!

I said get out, and I mean it!

While I'm still young enough...

to find a decent father for my child, you bum.

All you do is lay around.

Listen, I'm sick of cleaning up after you.

And don't think I don't know that you fool around.

I know it. You junkie, you hophead, you.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not. I'm sick of seeing you...

sitting around here doing nothing.

Get serious!

Don't come back here until you're ready to shape up!

Too much. I thought she was putting me on.

Hey, she actually did it. That blows my mind.

Hey, I don't have to go to the welfare office tomorrow.

Jesus! Wow!

Know what that is? That's shit!

You are shit!

Know what? Know what?

She's got the clap!

Some of my best friends...

When he gets back to Earth.

This is about the worst life I ever had.

- Well? - Please, I must see Mr. And Mrs. Ballantine.

- What for? - Well, I've got something to give them.

- They're on now. I'll take it. - Oh, no!

- I've got to do it myself. - Not a chance, lady.

Nobody's allowed backstage but the actors.

That's the rule, and I ain't gonna break it.

#Train man, train man on your way #

# For I'm ready to go #

#Train man, train man on your way #

#To the land of Old BlackJoe #

# Ho, ho, ho #

# Hear that choo-choo hoppin' along, whoo-whoo #

# I can hear it singin' a song #

# Candied yams and 'Ginia hams like in the days of yore #

#A little angel waiting by a little cabin door #

# Lordy, Lordy, how I pine #

#Just to be back in "Caroline" #

#Way down south of the Mason-Dixon Line #

#With my mammy #

# Oh, way down south #

# Of the Mason and Dixon Line ##

- Oh! - Flowers. Thank you.

Oh, wonderful.

Look. Pigeons.

Oh, but I've tried. Why, I've got something to give them.

Oh, why didn't you tell me? A new gig, eh? Hey, Bill. Take these to 'em.

Here, you can't-

It's a baby. It's a ba-

Did somebody lose a baby?

All right, wise guys. Who put this baby in the basket, huh?

- Don't look at me. I ain't done nothin'. - Whose baby is it?

- Is it a new part of your act? - Somebody's kidding.

Yeah, probably you, huh? Wise guy. You're comedians- puttin' a baby in a basket.

Is that a laugh, huh? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's a note here.

Oh, sweetie.

"DearJoe and Kit, I've asked my landlady to bring little Wendy to you.

"The doc says my time's just about up...

"but as long as I know the baby's in your hands...

I don't mind joining Flossie. Good-bye. Your Pal."

- It's Barney O'Hara's baby. - It is Barney's.

But she's got Flossie's eyes. You remember how pretty she was?

Yeah, she and Barney were a beautiful team.

Gee, they were marvelous. Well, what are we gonna do with her?

We're gonna keep her.

# Honi kaua wikiwiki #

# Sweet brown maiden said to me #

#As she gave me language lessons #

# On the beach at Waikiki #

# Honi kaua wikiwiki #

# She repeated playfully #

# Oh, those lips were so inviting #

# On the beach at Waikiki #

# Now everybody is askin'me #

#Who's that bunch of"poison-ality" #

#With a figure like a cow #

# Baby, take a bow #

# Everybody wants to know #

#Where I found this homely Romeo #

#You could haunt a house and how #

# Baby, take a bow #

# Oh, hear them whispering #

# "Hasn't she got anything" #

#Why, baby, you're a standout #

# Mister, what a bunch of bull you hand out #

# But I'm gonna stand right here and say #

#That I wish you were a million miles away #

# Funny, I feel that way too #

# Is that so Baby, take a boot #

# Oh, our act was awful up to now #

# Baby, take a bow #

# Everybody's asking me #

#Who's that bunch of personality #

# I'm presenting you right now #

# Daddy, take a bow #

# Everybody wants to know #

#Who's that great big handsome Romeo #

# I'm presenting you right now #

# Daddy, take a bow #

# Hear them whispering #

# "Hasn't he got everything" #

# He's a standout #

# Listen to the compliments they hand out #

# Let me stand right up and say #

#Who's the one brings Mother all his pay #

# I'm presenting you right now #

# Daddy, take a bow ##

You know what I was thinkin'?

First let me get used to the idea that you've been thinking at all.

- Well, what? - Remember when they straightened out Barney O'Hara's affairs...

and they found out that he'd made half the payments on that farm in New England?

Yes, and we're trying to get rid of it.

Well, maybe that's where we're wrong. Maybe we oughta keep up those payments.

- For what? - Well, so we could have a place where we could all settle down.

- You know, retire. - Are you crazy? It takes money to retire.

- We got a bank account, ain't we? - Thanks to Wendy.

But it's not enough to retire on, so forget it.

Ah, listen, Kit. Let's give her something that we've never had- a home, huh?

Maybe that's the way Barney figured it for Wendy.

Maybe that's why he picked out the farm.

Why, sure it is. It's up to us to go through with it.

- What do you say, honey? - It's a pipe dream, Joe.

I can just see you in overalls.

Out busting sods, and nobody to give you a hand except the cows.

And me in a gingham apron sweeping and cooking and making beds every day.

Well, maybe we could afford a maid.

We could not. I guess I can hold up my own end.

- Then you'll go for it, huh? - Well, we'll talk about it in five years.

- Ah, five years. - In the meantime, you better start making those payments.

- Look, I'll wire that lawyer tonight. - You'll write him a letter.

Remember, we're gonna be New England farmers.

Listen, Wendy, honey, it's gonna be a little tough for about five years, see?

But after that, wow!

#We've been to London's Piccadilly #

#When it was time for tea #

#We've walked along the Champs-�lys�es #

#The pride of gay Paree #

#You can rave about your Broadway #

#And Times Square #

# Come on along and let me show you #

#The grandest thoroughfare #

# Hop a bus Take a car #

# Hail a cab and there you are #

# On Fifth Avenue #

# EveryJoe, everyJane #

#Walks along the dreamers' lane #

# Of Fifth Avenue #

#That's Fifth Avenue #

#Where they stop, window shop #

#And their hopes are so high #

- # Pricing rings # - # Pretty things #

#That they can't afford to buy #

# But they smile They don't care #

# Everyone's a millionaire #

#When you're strolling on Fifth Avenue #

# Easter bonnets #

# Bright and gay #

# New York's finest #

# On St. Patrick's Day #

# Flags are flying #

# See them wave #

# Soldiers marching #

# In memory of the brave #

#There are shouts There are cheers #

# Mingled with a mother's tears #

# On Fifth Avenue #

# Old Fifth Avenue #

#All the world's on parade #

#Where the fashions are all made #

# On Fifth Avenue That's Fifth Avenue #

- # Fancy shops # - # Small caf�s #

#A cathedral and then #

- # Central Park # - # Cartier's #

#And a Woolworth's five-and-ten #

#What a street What a thrill #

# Say, you haven't lived until #

#You've been strolling on Fifth Avenue #

- #You've been strolling on # - #You've been strolling on #

# Fifth Avenue ##

Uh, folks, I know you're very anxious to see the movie...

but if you don't mind, I'd like to-

Oh, Wendy, you go ahead and tell them.

Ladies and gentlemen- Oh, just a minute, mister.

Aren't you staying for the picture?

My goodness. He must've come just to see the vaudeville.

Ladies and gentlemen, this isn't a regular curtain speech.

You see, this is our last performance...

and tonight we're saying good-bye to stage and show business...

and leaving for our farm up in New England.

But before we go, we want to say good-bye...

and just this once show what we think of you.

Will everyone please stand up?

Oh, come on. Everybody get up.

- Come on. - Just this once. Come on. Everybody up there too.

Up. That's it.

Folks, it's hard to say good-bye to a good friend...

and that's what you've been to Dad, Mom and me.

You've applauded when you liked us...

and even given us a little hand when you didn't.

You've been swell, and we'll never forget you.

Because, honest to goodness...

we could never have brought you as much happiness as you've brought us.

So now it's our turn to applaud you.

�

Well, good-bye, Sam. Good luck to you.

- Have you got the railroad tickets, Joe? - Yes, I've got the tickets.

Are you sure the train leaves at 11:15 and not 10:15?

Is everything down from the hotel?

Did you leave a forwarding address for the mail?

Will you stop worrying? Leave everything to me. I'll get you there all right.

- I never forget anything. - Hey, Dad, don't you remember?

Our dressing room is downstairs.

Come on, Joe. Come on.

All right. All right.

Hiya, Joe. Gettin' ready for the big outdoors?

- Got your cookbook, Kit? - Well, if I haven't, we'll starve to death.

Well, by cracky, Lenny, Farmer Ballantine and her beau.

Well, missy, how's the crop this year?

Well, Ezra, I ain't a-sayin' it's good, and I ain't a-sayin' it's bad.

I'm just sayin' "mebbe."

You better hurry with your packing, Wendy.

- All right, Mom. - Ah, she's got the gift of laughter.

It's a crime takin' that kid out of show business.

- You're throwin'away a great career. - We're gonna have a career.

We'll just be gatherin' eggs instead of laying 'em.

I can just see you three as farmers.

It gets awful lonesome up in them "thar" hills.

After a couple of months on the farm, you'll be happy to play in Peoria.

We'll be all right. Dad and I have been studying scientific farming from these pamphlets.

You'll find out there's only one life for you, and that's show business.

What kind of show business, Dave?

Five and six a day billed under a double feature and a couple of shorts?

Oh, I know it ain't the paradise it used to be...

but it's still a pretty good game.

Ah, it ain't the game, Dave. It's what goes with it.

We've been in every town in the U.S.A. And been strangers.

When we ride on trains at night, we see light shining in people's homes.

But where do we live? In a lower berth.

Listen, we never even had a chance to vote yet. Not even once.

But now we're goin' to a town where we ain't gonna be strangers. Understand?

Yes, and Wendy's gonna lead a normal life.

You know, grow up like other children...

have a home, with friends her own age.

Yes, the kid's gonna have neighbors that she can drop in on.

And Dad's going to be the leading citizen of the community. Aren't you, Dad?

You said it. Listen. When the Ballantines walk down the street...

they're gonna wave hello to everybody, and everybody's gonna wave right back to 'em.

For the first time in our lives, we're gonna live like real people.

- Your cab's here, Joe. - Oh, thank you, baby. Well, so long, Hank.

- Best of luck. - Bye. Don't forget to write.

All right. If you come around our way at mealtime, drop in.

I'll be doing three shows a day in the kitchen.

And if you don't know our address, ask for the mayor. That'll be Dad.

That's me. #We're farmers in the dell #

- Bye. - � W e're farmers in the dell �

Board!

I don't see the hired man, Joe.

Oh, he must be around here someplace.

Pardon me, mister, but have you seen a man named Jeb Sparks?

- I see him every day. - I mean, here at the station.

He's our farmhand and was supposed to meet us.

Well, ifJeb's gonna meet you, he'll be here in- let's see- 30 seconds.

- How do you know? - The train was early.

- Oh. - "Theatre."

You must be in the wrong town. There ain't no theater here.

There isn't? What do you do for entertainment?

Oh, just sit around and wait for somebody to make a fool of themselves.

That doesn't sound like much fun.

Maybe 'cause you ain't the one that's doin' the settin'.

I don't see any town. Where is it?

Right over that hill three miles.

It's a long walk.

- Jeb Sparks? - Yep.

I'm glad to know you. This is Mrs. Ballantine. This is little Wendy.

- Howdy. - Train got here early, didn't it?

- Yep. - Don't let that worry you, Jeb.

- Nope. - Say, have you got somebody to deliver these trunks?

Chatterbox. Well, hop in, girls.

- Which way is the farm? - The other side of town.

- Is it very far? - No.

- Did you order that list of groceries? - Yep.

Will we have a good crop this year, Jeb?

Well, I ain't sayin' yep and I ain't sayin' no. Just sayin' "mebbe."

He's stealing your stuff, honey.

And look. There's the church.

- Do they ring the bells on Sunday, Jeb? - Yep.

- When they do, it's Sunday school for you, Wendy. - Yes, Mom.

- Hey, that's the town hall, ain't it, Jeb? - Yep.

- When's the next town meetin'? - Tomorrow night.

You hear that, Kit? A town meetin' where a man could stand up and have his say.

- Real old-fashioned democracy. - Darn right it's old-fashioned.

This ain't no New Deal country.

What's the matter, Jeb?

- Nothin', 'cept we're here. - We're here.

- It's beautiful. - It's even prettier than the picture you showed us.

Look at that barn! It looks exactly like a- a barn.

Oh, Mommy.

Joe, did you see her face?

Oh, it's wonderful.

Oh, I've got to see my bedroom.

Look! What a fireplace!

I've gotta see my kitchen.

This is it.

Hey, girls! Get a load of this chair!

Oh, man. And the silence! I've never heard anything like it!

It's all windows! Double exposure!

Wendy! Joe! Come look at this beautiful stove, with two ovens!

Oh, this is for me. I think I'll pitch a tent right here.

Yes, sir, this is for me.

#The farmer's in the dell The farmer's in the dell #

Home.

Kit, wake up! We gotta catch a train! Come on! Wake up!

Oh, all right.

Oh, Joe, no more trains.

No, Kit, honey. No more trains. Never.

Oh, what a day. What a day.

Not bad. Not bad.

- Joe? - What?

We said we'd start out right. Tell Wendy today.

- Tell her what? - You know very well what.

About us not being her real parents.

Oh, that. Oh, sure. Why don't you go ahead and tell her?

Oh, no. You said you'd do it.

Can't I change my mind? You're the guy that knows human nature better than I do.

- Why don't you tell her? - Joe Ballantine, you know you're the understanding one.

I'll tell you. We'll toss a coin.

Fine father. Can't even tell his own child she's an orphan.

Hmm. How would you like to find out maybe after all these years that I wasn't your husband, huh?

- Will you stop clowning? - Listen. I ain't clownin'. I'm afraid. That's all.

- Suppose we don't tell her? - Oh, that's no good.

She'd find out sooner or later from strangers, and that'd be worse.

- Yes, I know, Joe. - Well, come on. Call it.

Heads.

Go on in now.

All right. All right. I'll tell her.

You think I'm afraid to talk to my own kid?

- Listen. I'll just say, "Wendy, the time has come-" - Don't tell me. Tell her.

All right. All right. I'll tell her-

I gotta get that thing fixed.

Oh, you're up. Did that rooster wake you too?

- Wendy, the time has come- - Yes, I know. For breakfast.

I'm starved.

Mom, you look simply scrumptious in that gingham dress.

You're the prettiest and "bestest" of all.

And you too, Dad. You look like a million yourself.

In fact, we look like three million.

Listen, Wendy. This is gonna be tough, honey. Very tough.

Sure. I know. It's always tough on a farm.

But we can lick it, the three of us. We've done it before.

- Ah, but, Wendy, listen. - And we'll do it again.

I'm so happy. I guess I've never been so happy.

We mustn't let anything spoil it.

Come one, come all! See and hear The Three Ballantines...

in their latest creation, "Down on the Farm."

With a mom and dad like you and this house and the farm and everything...

I'm just about the luckiest girl in the whole world!

- But, Wendy, honey, I'm trying to tell you- - What, Dad?

Well, I'm trying to tell you... that you got a table to set.

Now go on. Get outta here, will ya?

Ah, gee, Kit, I couldn't tell her.

- Oh, I'm glad you didn't. - You are?

I'm kinda scared of the way she might take it.

Oh, honey. Well, come on. Let's have that breakfast.

I can hardly wait to get my hands on that plow.

All right, laugh, laugh.

Oh, you kill me.

- Well, Jeb, we all set? - Yep.

Gee, I've been waitin' a long time for this.

You better let me finish plowing the hill. You'll find it smoother goin' up on the flat.

Listen, Jeb, this is my farm, and by golly I'm gonna farm it. Put them things on me.

- Yep. - You just get on over there and watch.

All right.

Giddap. Oh, yeah, this is right down my back alley.

I'll probably plow about 50 or 60 acres today.

Whoa! Whoa, Bessie! Come on, Bessie.

Stay over here in the ballpark. Throw me out a straight man.

Come on, Bessie, cooperate. Come around here, will ya?

Hey, you better go that way.

Don't tell me which way to go. I know where to go.

Come on around here, Bessie. Hurry! Bess! Come here, Bessie!

Oh, Dad!

Come and get it!

Huh. Anybody can plow them straight lines.

But when you make 'em round like that, you can plant more in 'em.

If you don't think so, you go ahead and measure 'em.

That's what they call scientific farming.

Whoa. Yeah. Anyway, that plow's crooked.

Ah, this is the life.

A hard day's work in the field, then home to a great dinner.

Oh, a great dinner. I only hope you'll be able to eat it. I know it's gonna be awful.

But don't you kids be foolish, because if it isn't any good, we'll open a can of beans.

Now-

Oh, let's see it.

You open it, Wendy. I haven't the courage.

Mom, it looks just like the ad in the Ladies HomeJournal.

Kit! What's the matter?

Oh, I can't help it.

It's the first thing that I ever cooked.

- That's marvelous. - It's all right.

All right. Come and get it.

We've got to step lively now if we're going to make that meeting at the town hall.

Howdy, folks. Hello. Hello.

Well, we're here. Ah, good evening, ladies.

- Good evening. - Oh.

Isn't it a lovely evening? They're shy, aren't they?

Oh!

Oh, good evening there, stranger.

Say, tell me. What kind of a crop do you think they're gonna have this year?

- Ask me in September. - What is it-

Oh, look.

- I'm awful glad to see you tonight, stranger. - Huh? Yeah.

We certainly do like your little town, Mr., uh-

- What did you say your name was? - I don't think I said.

Chatterbox is quite a character, ain't he?

- Don't you remember me, Mr. Stationmaster? - Why, well, yeah.

- Hello, Jeb. - Hello.

What's the matter with all these people?

- Have they got dyspepsia? - No.

- Are they always like this? - Yep.

Good evening, folks.

Makes my blood boil every time I read that newspaper of his.

Stonefield Democrat.

Going the same way his party. I suppose he'll start drinking too.

Newspaperman. Huh.

Uh, pardon me, mister. Could you tell me how soon the meeting begins?

- 8:00. Promptly at 8:00. - Thank you so much.

You see, we're strangers. We just moved here. We're the Ballantines.

Oh, sure. Where's your mother and father? I'd like to get an interview.

Oh, are you a newspaper man?

Well, there seems to be some question about that.

Mom and Dad are right over there. I'll introduce you.

If I'd known we were going to be interviewed, I'd have brought our scrapbook.

But that's all right. Dad will tell you everything.

You'll like him. Everybody does.

Here's a reporter who wants to interview us.

Mighty glad to know you, Mr. Ballantine, Mrs. Ballantine.

I'm Mike Shea of the Democrat, county's leading weekly.

Democrat up in this part of New England?

Yes, sir. You're looking at the editor, reporter and typesetter rolled into one.

- Well, tell me something. Do they read the paper here? - They've got to.

- Only one in town. - Mr. Shea, we really don't want any publicity.

Well, Kit, I wouldn't go so far as to say that. We-

Neither would I. You see, I promised Mr. Shea-

Why, you're news. You people are an asset to this town.

- And, believe me, it can certainly use a few assets. - Thank you very much, my friend.

You might say that we're gonna try and fulfill our duties-

- Oh, Judy! - You might also quote me-

He's nice, isn't he?

- Judy, I've got to talk to you. - I haven't time.

- After the meeting then? - I'm sorry, but we're staying for the church social.

And after that, we're going to listen to a little shortwave at my radio store.

I don't thinkJudith wants to talk to you, Shea.

Ah, now, Freddy, put yourself in her place.

Why, you'd be just palpitating to talk to me. Are you palpitating, Judy?

- Not so you could notice it. - Well, there's your answer.

Fred, please. I'll be with you in a moment.

- Well, what do you want? - I want to get this whole mess straightened out, Judy.

You've been dodging me for a week now.

I don't intend to stand here and let you insult me.

What if I did print an editorial calling your Aunt Hester a museum piece?

She is a museum piece. But what I say about her, no matter what it is...

shouldn't make any difference between you and me.

Look, Mike, what you said about my Aunt Hester is only part of it.

It's everything you've been doing since you took over your father's paper.

- Now wait a minute. - Oh, I know. You had to print what you pleased.

Save the town from stagnation. You wouldn't settle down like a normal person.

- No, not you. - That's not you talking, Judy. That's your Aunt Hester.

Would you like me to elucidate, young man?

I don't think it'll be necessary, Aunt Hester.

- Good evening, ladies. - Good evening.

- Shall we go in, Judith? - I think we'd better find our seats.

Will you excuse us?

What a shame.

Yeah, the plot's all twisted. Girl gets wrong boy.

- You'll have to fix that up, Dad. - If you ask me, that girl could use some good advice.

- You said it. - Just who, may I ask, could use some good advice?

- I was speaking about a cousin of mine from- - A cousin we have in Topeka.

He had some trouble with his mother-in-law.

She must've been weaned on a pickle.

- Come on, Dad. It's town hall tonight! - Come on. Let's go in.

There seems to be so much gloom around here.

You don't know enough to pound sand down a rat hole!

Maybe so. But I know enough to stop talking once in a while!

Stop your squabbling, Sam.

A man's a right to speak his mind here whether you agree with him or not. Go ahead, Pete.

This bridge has gotta be repaired before she collapses.

- How much will it cost? - Mr. Baldwin calculates it'll cost about $50.

Then I say wait till she collapses!

That fellow's wrong. It'll cost less to repair the bridge than it would to build a new one.

Sure, Dad. You've got opinions. Why don't you say something?

Anybody got any more to say about the proposition?

- Go on, Joe. - Go on, Dad.

All right then. Matter's deferred till next year.

Well, I guess that finishes the agenda.

Yes, that finishes the agenda.

Now if someone will move to adjourn the town hall-

- Mr. Moderator? - Yeah, Mr. Shea?

Folks, you know I couldn't let a meeting go by without reminding you...

that there are still a few young people living in Stonefield.

Or should I say vegetating?

Yeah, and most of'em ain't dry behind the ears yet.

Maybe so. But we don't claim to be suffering from dry rot.

But we figure that's what ails Stonefield.

Fellow citizens, we've got a real progressive program for our town...

and it won't cost a great deal of money to put it into effect.

Seems that bein' progressive and spendin' other people's money amounts to the same thing.

Now I'll tell you what's keeping us broke.

Tradition. You're all afraid to do anything any differently than your grandfathers did it.

What's wrong with the way they did it?

Nothing. Only they did it in another century.

Now I respect tradition as much as the next man...

but I don't respect it when it stands in the way of progress.

Now let's get wise to ourselves.

Let's realize that we're not living on a desert island...

but right spang within the borders of a big, lively, up-and-coming nation...

the United States.

We've heard all this before, Mr. Shea.

Well, anyway, for the record, I want to propose our usual resolution-

that a board be appointed, no member of which may be over 30 years of age...

to promote Stonefield as a tourist center, to attract new industries here...

and to make our town a more prosperous and progressive place in which to live.