All language subtitles for Ne nous fachons pas Georges Lautner, (1966) ENG

My poor chap !

You�re the eternal victim

of your contemporaries
quarrelsome temper, aren�t you ?

They push you,
they provoke you...

they persecute you.

It seems to be your fate.
Is that right ?

Yes.

Yes... Mister Beretto,

it doesn�t change the fact, that for
the third, and I hope last time this year,

you�re being prosecuted for
assault and battery.

Whose fault is that, commissioner ?

I was driving quietly, slowly,
on the right side of the road.

This gentleman ignored a stop sign,
and crashed his car into mine.

I politely commented
about the offence,

all smiles, when he ran amok
and started saying

lots of four-lettered words that I
wouldn�t dare repeat, commissioner.

Alright, maybe it was wrong
of me to get hold of his tie

and pull him inside my convertible,
but that�s it, commissioner.

And that�s how you split his scalp

and burst the arch of his eyebrow ?

Well, I just changed cars,

and I forgot the new one
wasn�t a convertible, that�s all.

Oh ? But tell me:
what about the two others ?

The witnesses ?

They called me a brute,
commissioner !

You may go, Albert.
You�ll finish this tomorrow.

I can�t leave it like this, sir.
- Yes, you can.

Hi, Tonio.

Albert !

Good night, sir.
- See you tomorrow.

Five years ago, when I quit,
I thought we had a deal.

I wasn�t supposed
to see anybody again.

Well ?

The cops are chasing us, Tonio.

No, not Tonio: Antoine.

They call me Antoine now.
Or Mister Beretto.

Do you think it changes anything
about the cops situation ?

We must slip away, Antoine.
And fast.

We can hide in Genoa,
where we�ve got friends.

But we must get there first,

and we won�t make it
without false IDs.

Given the warrant that�s
been put on our arses,

we can�t dream of crossing any border,
except with a gun in our hand,

and we don�t care for that idea.

The Organized Crime Brigade
are not clowns.

They shoot on sight.
They�re exalted. Bloodthirsty !

Sure. Where do I fit in ?

Well, Italy can be reached
by sea travel,

and you�ve got everything
that�s needed.

Get the Palermo out
and fill her up,

you�ll take those two gentlemen
to Porto-Fino.

When do I bring them back ?
- Never.

Gis�le ! Jump in the Fiat
and drive to the bank.

Bring me four million francs
on the company account.

Who are those blokes ?
- Salesmen.

What do they sell ?
- Memories.

You know, Antoine,
we don�t want to fool you.

We may not be able to give
you your money back.

You don�t say ?

But we�ve got a debt
to collect in Cagnes.

A bloke called Michalon,
a small time bookie.

A bad sort. He conned
us out of four million.

A forty-to-one winning horse
that he "forgot" to pay us.

You�re getting old, chaps.

We sure tried to find him.

At the Turf Hotel, in Cagnes.
But he had moved.

There are 150 hotels in Cagnes,
and 600 in Nice.

So, since we�re in
rather a hurry...

But I�ve got the time, right ?

Funny how you changed.

Listening to you, one might think
you never had cops on your trail.

Yes, you�re right.

The day after tomorrow, I�m going
to Monaco, on a business trip.

I�ll stop in Cagnes
on the way back.

What was the name of the
pain in the ass again ?

Michalon. L�onard Michalon.

I don�t believe this. Antoine !

So you remember
my existence after all.

You room, your room,
now this is a funny one.

Hi, Marcel.
- How are you, Antoine ?

I already got it ready for Christmas,
then for Easter, then the 15 of August...

I don�t have a single minute of rest.
You know how it is, don�t you ?

And you want to expand ?
You�re sick.

What about you ?
Didn�t you expand ?

Yeah but it�s absolutely
not the same thing, sorry.

I can�t refuse food
to those poor people.

Come as it may, on Sundays,
I serve 200 meals.

5000 francs each ?
How worthy of you !

Oh, stop it !

Marcel ! You�ll put the gentleman�s
luggage in the pink room.

You must admit we�re peculiar.

We�ve been exploiting dummies
for more than 15 years,

and all of a sudden,
we became forced labourers.

Not, not that.

And about my expansion,
don�t anticipate, it�s not done yet.

I�m going to visit this bloke in Monaco,
and then we�ll see.

I�ll be back for dinner.

What shall I cook for you ?

Something nice, on your terrace,
with the little lights.

Oh, I see: there will be two of you.
- Yes.

Still your bleached blonde ?
Doesn�t it become routine ?

Why ? Vicky�s cute,
isn�t she ?

Always well-dressed,
good-hearted...

I call her on the phone
and here she comes !

Do you know many broads like that ?

Who come running
when you phone them ?

I don�t know any other kind.

But free of charge ? That�s another
story, of course. Cheers !

Your health.

At what time do you want
your romantic dinner ?

I told her to be here around ten.

Alright, sir.

The lobsters will be ready
and the champagne will be cool.

I just hope you won�t
make a scene like last time.

What scene ?

I�m not a difficult client.

When the food is good,
I never say a word.

The problem is:
you never think it�s good.

Ah, well...

Oh, by the way,

since you�re from around here,
and know everyone,

could you give me the address
of some... L�onard Michalon.

Does he owe you some dough ?

What makes you say that ?

He owes money to everybody.

L�onard is the Belph�gor
of the race tracks.

He�s been taking forty-to-one bets
and keeping the money for years.

His last known address
was the Turf Hotel, in Cagnes.

Addresses, with that
kind of bloke, you know...

Yeah... Well, see what you can do
and keep me informed, right ? Ciao.

Ciao. Good luck.

THE AMERICAN LOBSTER

Here you are already !

Weren�t you successful ?

Pfff. Do you have a safe
where I can put this ?

What is it ?
- Money.

in case I struck the deal.
- OK, come.

The last creation of Pich�s.

If you force it,
it shoots gas in your face.

Had it existed earlier,
you would be blind today.

I wonder where they find
those cretinous ideas of theirs.

Here...

I worked for you: we know
where your little bookie lives:

at the Pension Regency,
just off the highway.

Don�t you think I�ve got the
time to pay him a visit now ?

The problem is not the time,
the problem is you�ll go there for nothing.

Oh ? Four millions are nothing
in your book ? Well...

You put four millions
on a horse ? You ?

Of course I didn�t.

Some pals did.
Well.. some friends of mine.

Tell them to forget about it.

Michalon never gave
a penny back to anybody:

he�s not about to part with
four million, all of a sudden.

And another thing:

when you have that kind of money,
you don�t live at the Pension Regency.

Well... if you�ve decided to go there,
go, by all means.

Here, take this.

What are you ? Crazy ?

I even flee from
shooting ranges now.

On Sundays, I sometimes use a bow
and arrows, and believe me,

that�s my absolute limit.

I�m not joking, Tonio.

Michalon is a coward,
a wimp and a jerk,

like all bookmakers, but he�s a crook.

I know the type, you know:

they sometimes become heroes
rather than give back a single franc.

Do you have your car keys ?

Thanks. If my girlie is early,
tell her to wait, OK ?

The way to the
Pension Regency, please.

Mister Michalon, please.

Michalon... Er... Room 13.

I wonder: do you need a hand ?

Now, what the hell was that ?

What are you doing in my room ?

And what about that one ?

That one is dead.
- What ?

Oh, what sin did I commit ?

This is really something !

What sin did I commit ?

Will you shut up ?

Now, that�s rich. I�m asleep,

you break into my room
and you kill this gentleman.

Do you think I like it ?

What about me ?

You don�t care:
this is not your room.

Neither is it his.

Why did he come here,
in your opinion ?

To kill you.
- Oh ? You too ?

No.

Why have you got a gun, then ?
- I didn�t.

You�re a big liar,
aren�t you ?

I resent being called a liar.
Get it ?

And if I tell you that I didn�t,
it�s because I didn�t.

One of my mates probably
put it in my pocket, that�s all.

Nice friends you have. Tell me whom
you associate with and I�ll tell you...

You won�t tell me anything !
We�ve got to get the stiff out of here.

Right...

Come on: get dressed, will you !
- If you want. But I warn you:

don�t count on me for carrying him.

After all,
I did nothing wrong.

I was asleep.

So you, gangsters, will have to sort
your differences between yourselves.

Listen hard, L�onard.

I�m an honest retailer.

I�m registered, I keep an
exemplary shop, and so on

I came here to talk to you.

Then this gun-carrying goon
came in through the window,

and now he�s lying on the rug.

I swear I�m sorry about it.
I�m really really sorry.

But I guarantee that I would be even
sorrier if there were two of them.

Are you planning a sequel ?
- Yes: you, if you go on bugging me !

How rude you are !

Can�t you focus a little ?

I�m not used to it, excuse me.

Here�s your prince charming.
- It�s about time.

Good evening, Vicky.

Here you are at last.

Note that with his tactics,
I�ll end up buying him a watch.

I was slightly delayed, that�s all.

You know how business is,
don�t you ?

Aren�t you afraid to catch
a cold, dressed like that ?

No, I�m going out again.
- What ?

Look, I�ve got a small errand
to run, but I won�t be long.

So you just sit at our table,

start ordering and I�ll be
here directly, right ?

A word with you ?

See you in a minute.

Your car.
- What about my car ?

Did you crash it ?

Of course not.
- So what ?

So there�s a bloke in the trunk.

Who�s he ?
- L�onard Michalon.

Not him ! The other one.

Oh, shit ! A Brit !
That�s bad news.

May I be dismissed ?

What about drowning him ?
- I warn you...

No ! Not you: him !
- Oh...

Drowned people eventually
come up again.

And this bloke mustn�t come up.

He absolutely mustn�t come
up to the Brits !

Gentlemen !
I�m compelled to protest !

I was asleep !

At my place ! Quietly !
- Jeff... Slap him !

You really are nice people,
aren�t you ?

I know the man we need.

Come on, you�re going
to keep company

to a lady while we�re away.

I just get the gentleman
in a safe place and I�ll be back.

What a question ?

We call them "the Brits"
because they�re Brits, that�s all.

There are about twelve of them,

and nobody knows
what they�re doing.

They rented a holiday house
in the Cap d�Antibes.

The apparent leader came
for dinner a couple of times.

His little boyfriends
call him "Colonel".

The man-of-the-world type.

But his world, I guess,
is the same as our world.

Our former world, I mean.

Former, former...

I just offed a bloke and now
we�re playing undertakers.

If you don�t mind me saying so,
there�s a piece of kipper on the marmalade.

If only you didn�t give me a gun !

You�d be dead.

Yes, you�re right.

In five years, I never let
my temper fly even once !

Didn�t get angry,
didn�t even raise my voice !

And all of a sudden,
a wrong note !

A fly in the milk !

I was shocked, I can tell you.

A handsome young man.

Must be close to 75 kg.

I didn�t weigh him.

I can embalm him
the Cleopatra way.

The Egyptian masterpiece.
Unalterable.

We�re not asking for preservation,

we�re asking for destruction.

Oh ? What about the
Congolese jigsaw puzzle?

Thirty-two pieces,
not including the head.

Or the Vulcan trick:

10 tons of cast iron, 1500�C

and your young man ends up
as either a manhole cover,

or the gate around
a public garden.

No, no, nor as a doorknob
or a streetlight.

I just don�t want
to see him anymore !

My friend is a shopkeeper.
- Oh, well...

What time is it ?
- 1:30 am.

Don�t you think
he�s going too far ?

If I should tell you what I know

about the bad manners
of this gentleman,

you�d be horrified.

I, Michalon, L�onard,

hereby declare owing to
mister Beretto, Antoine,

the sum of 40.000 francs,

which I agree to pay
in 16 monthly instalments

of 2.500 francs each,

the first payment to be processed
at the end of this month.

Are you happy ?

You almost had me beheaded,

and now you�re ruining me.

You�re bad at heart.

Are you sure you don�t
want another omelette ?

No, I�m in a hurry.

And once again,
you didn�t enjoy your room.

Indeed.
How long did she wait ?

3:00 am. And let me tell you,
she was far from happy.

I can sympathize.

We chatted about you,
she and I.

And we reached an agreement.

When shall I see you again ?

In about five to six weeks.

There�s always a lull between
the Parisians� departure

and the boche�s arrival.

You�ve got guests.

No, it�s just like you:

always a big slowing down of business
around November the 15th.

No, I mean you�ve got
guests here and now !

Oh, shit.

Good morning, my dear.

Are you opening early
or closing late ?

Mr. McLean.
A British subject !

Usually, people call me,
"Colonel".

Mister Beretto, a friend of mine.

Would you like
some breakfast, Colonel ?

I would have recognized
Mister Beretto.

He�s been precisely
described to me.

Mister Beretto is a...
night owl.

The small sports car outside...

Is it yours ?
- No, it�s mine.

It has four seats, doesn�t it ?
- Four seats, yes.

Then I fail to understand why,

tonight, one of my comrades

was forced to travel in the trunk.

This is embarrassing, Jeff.

True enough, it�s embarrassing.

We�re all quite embarrassed.

What if I tried
to explain things...

in sequence?

I�m sure you�d explain
them in perfect sequence,

but whatever the sequence,

I�m afraid you�ll unfailingly finish
with Johnny in the trunk.

Of course, if you adamantly insist
in beginning with the end...

our talk will be short-lived.

It would be a shame.

Look, Colonel,
you�re going to laugh...

I mean you�re going to understand.

Your young friend came in
through the window,

all of a sudden,
with his toy in his hand...

Put yourself in my place:
it was he or I.

Add to this,
that I was in a bad mood.

I�m not better than any other man,
Colonel, I�ll grant you that.

Surprise, preservation instinct...

statistics are on your side. I yield.

Well, you see, when you�re
talking to educated people,

everything sorts itself beautifully.

So ?
When is this going to end ?

This is another Yalta !

You�re making arrangements,
dealing with your problems.

What about mine ?
It�s as if mine didn�t exist !

I�m the one they
wanted to kill, ain�t I ?

They still want to.
- Why ?

It�s necessary.

You�ll shoot this gentleman
as much as you want, Colonel,

but not before sixteen months
have elapsed.

I�m deeply sorry but
Mister Michalon owes me money

and we have an instalment plan.

Can�t you work out
a shorter plan ?

Or better still:

I pay the whole sum at once,
so you can kill me now !

Hey, that�s new:
so you could pay it all at once ?

Murderer.

I hope that is not really
what you mean, L�onard.

On the other hand,

I must say that killing him
like this in cold blood,

wouldn�t exactly be murder
but still rather akin to it.

Except... I repeat:
except if he did things.

He did.

Might I know which things ?
- No.

Well...
- Yes, but I need to know.

If I give you proof that we
absolutely must act,

will you agree with me ?

It�s a great pleasure
to come here.

Unfortunately, my proof
can�t be moved.

Would you come and visit me,
later this morning ?

"Les H�liotropes",
Cap d�Antibes.

Very well, OK.

I think, my dear friend,

that peace just took
a big step forward.

Tell me, L�onard.

This is really strange

but he seems to bear
a grudge against you.

Did you do anything to him ?

I don�t know: he�s mad.

And of course you
choose to believe him !

Nobody ever believes me, anyway.
I�m always wrong.

This Englishman is sick !

I�ve never seen him
in my life. Never.

And of course you never saw my
two friends whom you robbed either ?

Yes I did, and I�m sorry I did.
At the weighing, in Cagnes.

I�ve been unfortunate enough
to give them a tip.

I should never bother
with anybody. Never !

But if I didn�t,

my mother would live in the slums
and my little sister in a brothel.

Now my mom receives
a money order every month,

and I bought my sister
a small shop in Savoie,

which is good for her lungs.

And that�s not to mention my bro�.

Yes, you�d better not
mention your bro�.

But I do have a bro� !

He�s got a deformity.

Three operations in the
space of two years.

And who�s paying for all that ?
I, L�onard !

And now poor L�onard
is surrounded with gangsters.

They kill each other in his room,
they throw him in front of English guns,

they vote for his death at the bfast...
breakfast...

Stop that infernal noise !

Between 1949 and 1955,

Beretto was seen around Nastasia,
Lucky and Frankie Garbo.

In 1957, his case was dismissed
for the BNCI hold-up.

In 1959, another case dismissed,
for the Banque Ottomane hold-up.

Ah, I love this: banks...

Mister Beretto, you�re going to
understand why,

I absolutely must act against
Mister Michalon.

Dear, Mister Beretto,

you have a great interest in
business law as applied to banks.

Which is why I can confide
to you, that so do I.

I�m in business too.
- Are you ?

Sword !

In the wake of commercial transactions
between France and USSR,

a Tupolev carrying a ton of gold

will land on the Nice airfield

at a date only known to

the Soviet government,

the French government and... I.

So, that day, at that time,

we must have control of the
airfield for a short while.

The control tower,
the police station,

the offices, the weather station,
and even the customs, everything !

We undertook a test infiltration.

Watching these images,

you�ll note that everything is based
on our genius for transformation.

During this rehearsal,

nobody could have noticed us.
Nobody but...

My little Sword was shocked
by a detail.

He had several images of the movie
enlarged,

and here is what we noticed.

Michalon. Michalon.

The same again.
What was he doing there ?

We can�t accept this as a coincidence.

Why was he there ?
- Why don�t you ask him ?

My intention, exactly.

Send him to me later today.
I�ll question him.

With guns ?
- One can�t shoot a guest.

It wouldn�t be unheard of,
you know.

Mister Beretto,

you have a Nietzchean
conception of mankind.

Such an operation isn�t possible

without an international organization.

The greatest hold-up of all time.

Greater than Glasgow.

A unique opportunity.

But should we be forced
to cancel it, mister Beretto..

Yes, I know. Life would become
impossible for all of us.

Since we don�t trust
each other entirely yet,

I propose this:

you send me Michalon
and then, as a hostage,

I send you my young pupil,
my little Sword,

whom I wouldn�t survive
if anything happened to him.

Well, I agree.

Only, you will send me
your pretty boy first,

and then I�ll send Michalon.

I shan�t go !
English hospitality !

I know some precedents !

Lots of them in History manuals !

Now, look, L�onard,
I can promise you...

You promise, you promise...

Promising is easy,

but you won�t be
the bloke on the rack !

You won�t be
the bloke in the bathtub !

Poor L�onard will be !
A martyr as always !

In a nutshell,
I�m a mascot for torturers.

What about us ?
Ain�t we nice to you ? Ain�t we ?

Sure you are !
He locked me up in the cellar.

He wanted to get
the hell out of here.

And me a rheumatic person !
Isn�t it nice and delicate ?

Why did you meet this bloke ?
You didn�t deserve this.

You are ungrateful,
L�onard, for sure.

I�m always saving your hide
and you keep on complaining.

Do you think that�s nice ?

You should have left me to die.

Since anyway...
well...

Come on, you shouldn�t
talk like that, L�onard.

Look, I just came back
from the Colonel�s house.

What the man wants is just to
hear what you�ve got to say.

Just tell him why you were
at the airfield, and it�s over.

At the airfield ? I ?
- I saw you.

Oh ? Look, it�s very simple...
- No, no, no...

If it�s very simple, you�ll tell
him that, very simply.

I, on the other hand,
don�t want to know anything.

I�ll tell nothing at all !

Because I shan�t go, period !

Your turn. I�m giving up on him.

L�onard...
- Yes.

What does he rant about ?

He says he�s late.

Coincidentally, my friend here was
worried that you�d forgotten about him.

I don�t speak to you anymore.

Are you coming, boy ?

Get in !

So, what�s the score ?

Well, if you don�t start
opening in the last line soon,

you might think of
selling your house.

I can never play more
than three cards

You must admit he�s damn lucky !

Who knows ? Maybe he plays
better than you do.

Well, that�s my stop.
Goodbye, Miss.

To you !

You play a real lousy game.

All I ask is to be lucky
for five minutes.

Just five minutes and I�ll win
the shirt off the Brit�s back.

Haven�t you seen what he discards ?

He can�t even play properly.

You owe him four thousand francs.

We make a revenge, eh ?

Well, deal, kid !

Marcel !
Bring us scotch and olives !

The gentleman needs a tonic !

Gin !

I�ll thank you for not
speaking while we play.

And I can�t play anymore
with these lousy cards !

You�ll see, kid.

You�re in big trouble
in two of your lines.

He couldn�t be lucky
all the time.

Oh well..

They�re going to kill L�onard,
for God�s sake !

Wait, Tonio, we can�t go like this.
We must bring the artillery !

Don�t you want me
to take the wheel ?

No, no. I�m afraid
when I�m not driving.

You really don�t want
me to drive ?

I�m not saying it was Austerlitz,
but don�t scowl like that !

I�m thinking about L�onard.

Forget him.
Think of something else.

I can�t ! I was beginning
to get used to him.

To his bad temper,
his stup�dity and everything

To think that I slapped him
as a farewell gesture.

You see: one should
never get angry.

Never strike anybody.
Never !

Hey !

You�ll go to Paris, old girl !
To Paris...

Hey ! If it�s not the gangsters !

Well, you did a nice job, earlier !

I warn you: I gave the licence
plate number to the gendarmes !

That�s the way I am !

In Paris...

You�re worse than an animal,
aren�t you ?

You have no shame !

It�s cold.
- You drunkard ! You bastard !

Bedroom murders !
Rendez-vous with death !

And now you�re trying
to make me catch a chill !

You�ll have tried everything !

But you won�t get rid
of me like that.

Well ?
- Well, what ?

The Colonel, of course.

Shall we shoot him, stab him,
dynamite him ? What shall we do ?

We forget about the Colonel.
- What ?

We�re not going to start another
one hundred years war, are we ?

We wouldn�t see the end of it.

The trouble is that,
whether we retaliate or not,

the Colonel still wants to kill L�onard.

And I don�t want him to !

That�s why we�re going
to send you far away.

Real far ! Far, far, far away,
in Venezuela, in Chile...

Venezuela, Venezuela.

Why not the Moon while you�re at it ?

Everybody rejected me here !
Nobody likes me !

Oh, come on, L�onard, tell me
that you�re not starting it again !

Because if you do, I�ll send you to
the local foundlings home instead !

And once the pain in the ass
is in a safe place,

we shall contact the Brit,

and conclude a gentleman�s
agreement. That�s it.

Anything�s the matter ?

I�d rather discuss a cease-fire
when we hold the high ground.

Even if we don�t kill him,

we can give the
Colonel the willies, can�t we ?

Gandhi didn�t win
against the English

by giving them,
as you put it, the willies.

Well, we�ll win using
the same weapons.

Non-violence, persuasion, grace...

So, what shall we do ?

Shall we go on using grace ?

We�re going to think about it.

But without getting excited,

at our leisure.

We must be wary
of our nerves.

Hello ? Operator ?
Give me the 328 in Collioure, please.

Is that you, Gis�le ?
Antoine, here...

How are you, sweetheart ?

Be a nice girl and get
two guests rooms ready

We�ll be there in four or five hours.

Well, we�ve got the
tiniest problem here...

I think you�re right.

They do begin to be insufferable.

Come, come,
let�s not get angry.

Where can we go now ?

We don�t have a roof
or a car anymore.

Don�t know. Tell you the truth,
I�m in no condition to think anymore.

Except that I met this moron
and it�s eating up my brain !

Earlier, you spoke of
thinking about it.

Yes, but that�s when
I think of the Englishman.

When I�m able to do it.

This is ridiculous.

Men of our age and position,

forced to steal a car
like beginners.

You won�t catch me
doing this again.

Because next time, I...
- What now ?

Every night on the road.
A regular bohemian life.

Rooms 410, 412 and 414.

Unfortunately, you won�t
have a view to the sea.

Couldn�t I go on another floor,

because what�s the use of
being on the seashore if...

er... if... Well, for one night,
it will do. It will do.

Good night, sir.
- Good night.

Please, could you have
letter paper brought up to me ?

Yes, sir.

I�ll write my statement
to the insurance company.

Oh, yes, you�re right.

While you�re at it, have some
paper brought up to me too.

Yes, sir. Good night, sir.

Good night.
- Good night.

A bullet broke the chandelier,
a fingernail from my face !

Oh, shit !

People keep trying to kill me !

Put the light out, for God�s sake !

We shall get killed eventually.
For sure.

The three winning horses
of the week !

Look, chaps, I know
what you�re thinking:

we must act.
And you�re absolutely right !

But this bloke scrambled my brains:

I have to sleep !
I have to think !

And I want all the pieces
to assemble quietly !

That�s it: quietly.

No, seriously... being forced
to play boy-scouts !

I don�t mean the wimp, there.

But men of our stature !
Say what you will...

The wimp knows perfectly well
where he can sleep.

I�ve got a small palace waiting for me,
twenty kilometres from here.

Yes... The owner being Mrs. Michalon,
my lawful wedded wife.

Oh, so there�s a Mrs. Michalon
on top of everything ?

Yeah.
And Mrs. Michalon worships me.

And where does this
Mrs. Michalon of yours live ?

In Villeneuve-Loubet.
A small farmhouse,

ranch-like. With horses.
A present from me.

Michalon always treats ladies
as a prince would.

Let�s go, then.
- Hey, not that fast !

I can�t crash �glantine�s place
just like that.

�glantine.
- Yes, �glantine.

Because, the last time we met,
we had a minor argument.

Does she or does she not
worship you ? Make up your mind !

She does, but that doesn�t
prevent arguments.

I might have treated her
a little hard.

I would have to recondition her.

And if I arrive just like this,
without a warning,

and with two dubious characters
to boot, I�m afraid...

Tell me, L�onard.
- Yes.

You�re a real curiosity...

Look, we just lost our estates
to this mess, don�t you think you could...

No !
I won�t humble myself to a lady.

I�d rather camp here.

So let�s camp. Just camp.

I don�t have the strength
anymore.

Well, I�m not camping.

Twenty minutes to reach
Villeneuve-Loubet,

ten minutes to recondition
Mrs. Michalon,

and I�ll come and fetch you both
in one hour. There !

Good evening, madam.

What are you doing here ?

Don�t be afraid.
There�s no danger.

I�m not afraid: I�m asking
what you�re doing here.

Well, I...

Antoine Beretto, madam.
I�m a ship-owner.

Mrs. Michalon, I presume ?

Madam, this visit may seem tardy,
tactless, not to mention ludicrous...

L�onard sent me.

Oh, then, keep your coat on,
don�t take a seat.

You know the way ?

I�m sorry, madam, but could
I have a word with you first ?

No.
- Leonard is in deadly peril.

Bravo !
- People want to kill him.

Bravo !

I don�t know what
Leonard did to you but...

Everything ! He did everything !
Do you hear me, sir ? Everything !

Oh ? Everything ?
- Yes, everything.

But Jeff didn�t do anything
to you, did he ?

Jeff ?

A friend of mine, madam,
a man of great moral standards

who has nothing in common
with the ignoble L�onard, no.

Look, madam, here�s the deal:
to tell you the truth,

we thought we would ask
your hospitality, but I guess...

Well, then, I think I�m going
to tell them that I failed and...

Exactly, sir. Please.

I hope they won�t murder me
in front of your door

but have the elementary decency
to do it a little further away.

Come on, sir, what are you saying ?

People do not get killed
just like that.

Yes, madam, for the last 24 hours, people
have got killed just like that, madam.

No, look, sir.

You come to my place at night,
which is annoying,

but if you must be murdered
in my garden,

I�d rather you stayed here.

Ah, thank you !
I was waiting for those words,

you know. I was sure. I needed
an open hand, a brotherly voice...

You really are the sensitive type.

Oh yes..

Would you believe it�s been
playing tricks on me.

I�ve suffered so many
unpleasantnesses

because of this that I don�t
even dare telling them:

I�m afraid people would laugh.

But since you�re nice to let me sleep here,
maybe that�s the solution: to sleep.

You were better in the first act.
- Was I ?

When you played at
the tracked gangster.

Billy the Kid.
It was believable.

You're far less convincing as the
poor little child lost in a cruel world.

You know, people tend to think that all
stocky black-haired men are gangsters,

but this is a stupid prejudice.

I know another one: thinking that
all tall blondes are stupid.

Why do you say that ?

Because of the
brotherly voice thing.

I don�t want you to hear voices
any longer, mister Beretto.

OK, you�re going to sleep here.

But I mean here,
I don�t mean in my room.

I actually got that.
- Not sure.

I met L�onard in Chantilly,
for the Prix de Diane,

my very first horse races.

You poor thing !

He accosted me at the bar and bought
me a glass of mint and water.

According to him,
he was the owner...

not of the bar
but of a racing stable,

and he also owned
oil wells in Arabia,

interests in the textile industry...

I was surprised when we took
the tube to go home,

but he told me his Bentley tended
to overheat in traffic jams.

I believed him.
I used to believe everything then.

We were married three week later.

I still can�t understand why.

I guess he used his
cocker spaniel eyes trick on me.

That�s where the bugger
is really dangerous,

it makes you want to protect him.

That�s all I ever do.
- You poor thing.

Good morning, madam.
- Good morning.

I bought you some croissants.

That is really nice.
You shouldn�t have.

I went out quite normally,
you know.

Why shouldn�t you go out normally ?

Because of your killers.

There was supposed to be one
hiding behind every bush.

I didn�t notice anything.

Would you like honey or jam ?
Both are available.

I do not hate honey.

Who are those killers of yours ?
Maniacs ?

Look, this is hard as it is,
but if I must talk at the same time...

Why ? Doesn�t it cut ?

It does cut.
But it doesn�t shave.

The good move would have been
working on him with a blade.

Like we did in India.

I�m really not cut out for camping.

I can�t move anymore.

I�m hurting all over.
Aren�t you ?

I�m used to adventure.

I, for one, am not
slouching in an easy life.

Ouch ! It�s cold !

Don�t get me wrong:

I�m not saying Michalon is a saint,

but don�t you value
any of your memories ?

You lived together, didn�t you ?

For three days. And I don�t
relish the idea of a fourth.

Yeah... But if we could have
a twenty-four hours respite,

we could try to get our
shit together,

to plan a little bit.

Meditating is not easy
in the middle of gunfire.

Those things tend to distract me.

Twenty-four hours
is not a long time, is it ?

One hour with L�onard
is worth two hours.

Oh, alright, don�t scowl like that.
Bring them here.

I don�t have to anymore.

Hi !

You�re coming at the right time:
I was just leaving to fetch you.

Nice of you. Did the car fail ?

No, I�ll explain.
- I certainly hope so.

Good morning, sweetie-pie !

What did you want to explain ?

I guess I just lacked intuition

I should have come in your place,
my respects madam !

I�d not have to endure the ants,
the acorn juice and the wimp�s conversation.

You made a real paradise
out of this house.

I admire you, you know.
Bravo, sweetie-pie, bravo !

Beg your pardon ?
- What I mean to say is...

You don�t have anything to say.

You just sit down and shut up.

And if you call me sweetie-pie
just once more,

you�re out of here.
Get it ?

Got it.

I can tell you it�s absolutely not
what you think.

Darling !
Ask your friend to take a seat.

I�ll make some more coffee.

Would you rather have
honey or jam ?

I do not hate honey.

Mister Beretto...

you spent the night under a roof
which, normally, should be mine.

Was my honour hurt by the fact ?
Was it ?

Piss off.
- Oh ?

We must silence him !
Fast !

I plan a four stages man�uvre:

cross-hatching, spotting,
surrounding and destruction !

Understood ?
The Queen is watching you,

and so am I.

We can spend 24 hours here,
not one single hour more.

Time will pass fast for you.

You�re so wrong !

And let me tell you
you�re hurting my feelings.

Because there�s only respect
between Mrs. Michalon and I.

A mutual respect, only based on...
- Darling !

Do you like mushrooms ?

Because if you want to eat some for lunch,
you must come and help me pick them up.

I�ve known hypocrites,
but never your equal.

Darling ! Are you coming ?
- Go on !

May I know why you�re
calling me "Darling" ?

To annoy.
- It�s a success.

Not you: they.

Because I�m irritated by
your pal�s strutting around

and the other one�s playing
"The Eternal Return".

Get in.

You�re making me look like
a genuine hypocrite.

No. Like a man of the world.

A woman who once
was crazy about me !

Whom I spoiled !

In the arms of a Pithecanthropus !
Ain�t it incredible ?

Do you like the smells of Autumn ?

Have you known Jeff for a long time ?

Yes.

I don�t think he looks like
a restaurant owner.

Maybe because he doesn�t own
a restaurant anymore.

Did you kill a lot of the Englishmen ?

Was it L�onard who told you ?
- Answer me.

Just one. And a very small
one at that.

Aren�t you ashamed to pick on
small people, a big guy like you ?

You were saying something
really pretty about Autumn.

What was it ?

I was asking whether
you liked it or not ?

I do. I do like it.

What ?
- Autumn.

Well, it�s a good thing
we didn�t meet in Summer.

We�d have been at a loss
for a conversation topic.

What can they be doing ?

They�re going a bit far:
at what time are we going to eat ?

I�m not asking
any questions anymore.

Did you hear how they answer me ?

They�re worse than animals !

We learn new things from life
every day, my dear chap !

I thought I had
reached the bottom

of shame and degradation...
- Michalon !

Yes.
- Piss off.

Right...

Well, it�s about time.

At last !

What do you mean, at last ?
We went shopping.

You could at least have
laid the table.

I hope you realize that a conversation
has become mandatory.

What do you want me to tell you ?

We�re caught in a whirlwind !

What with the speed, the maelstrom,
the mushrooms...

I can�t tell anything anymore.

Eglantine !
- Yes.

Do you know what
I�m thinking of ?

Yes.

Alright, let�s forget it, then.

Mister Jeff, your bed is ready,
in the saddlery.

I put two blankets on.

You�ll sleep here.
- Alright, sweetie-pie...

Antoine ! Good night.

But you gave him my couch.

Where am I going to sleep ?

To sleep, to sleep...

Yesterday, you told me that
to sleep might be the solution.

I said yes, but it was
a mere starting point.

Do you think we should stubbornly
stick to this starting point ?

Don�t you eat anything,
mister Jeff ?

No, I�m not hungry this morning.

Maybe you�d prefer tea ?
I�ll make some.

Thanks, it�s not necessary,
but you�re very nice.

Wouldn�t you like eggs,
mister Jeff ?

Really, you wouldn�t like
anything, mister Jeff ?

No, I don�t need anything,
you know.

Good morning.

I�m starving, I can tell you.

Thank you.

Didn�t you have anything ?

You should: her coffee is first-class,
a real upper.

Well, you know, I don�t exactly
need to be up... in order to play cards.

Given the looks you exchange,

I guess we�re going to have
another nice relaxing day.

Take...

Take...

I�m not grumbling, I�m taking
stock of the situation.

I�ve got nothing against
picking up mushrooms

but it shouldn�t take precedence
over a man�s honour.

Oh, come on,
"a man�s honour", please !

Well I kept a cool head.

Maybe you forgot about
the Colonel,

your sunken boats,
my blown-up restaurant,

but I don�t want the Brits
to brag about it later.

In front of anybody,
do you hear ?

And since you�re not moving,

I�m going to get the mad arsonist
on my own,

do you hear ?
On my own !

Nobody�s going to get anybody !

This whole mess is based
on principles dating from WW2.

The Colonel is a sensible man

who�d probably like nothing better
than compensate us.

So we stay here for about
a week or two...

Why don�t we ?

We�re going to establish
what the war cost us,

write it down neatly,
then ask for peace. Period.

Why would he be stubborn ?

Reason always prevail, and...

What did you say about
reason prevailing ?

Well, in a way,
I think it�s a good thing.

And I say good because
your place was nice

but I would have imagined
something else.

Large picture windows,
a swimming pool,

English style stalls,
copper, mahogany...

Yeah, sure ! Especially since
we don�t need to save money,

we�re having such a thriving period !

Please let me tell you that
I admire you for being so calm.

Why shouldn�t I be calm ?

Anything can be done calmly.

Clients like you, mister Tonio,
are a rare breed indeed.

I�ll have to give you
a wholesale price.

Well, while you�re at it,

just add 50 kgs of TNT
and a gallon of Nitro-glycerine.

If we should ever want...
- Right.

Operator ?
Please don�t cut me off !

Well, my dear chap,
we must be wary of everything!

We must be wary of everything !
Everything !

Good evening, Colonel !

Here�s the van.
I can see it. It�s coming.

It�s here. Stop ! It�s passed !
- OK.

Now we got them !

Peace ? I want it more than
anything else, Colonel, of course.

Just because we threw a few
firecrackers doesn�t mean that...

Of course not !
I assure you !

Your time will be mine.
Whenever you want !

How would you like the golf course
at the country club, four o�clock ?

The golf course at the country club,
we�ll be there.

See you there then.
Four o�clock.

Agreed.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Gentlemen !
GENTLEMEN !

Stop fooling around.
Reason always prevail in the end.

Too bad.

The gold from the Tupolev
was a beautiful dream.

I give it up for want of troops.

I�m a tragically lonely man.

Rest assured that
I�m sorry about it, my dear.

The hay cart trick
was what made my friend angry.

Because of a certain person.
- Sure.

Well, look, colonel,

you�ll plan other jobs eventually,
and other planes will fly.

Let�s hope so.

Ah, hope !
Here�s a word that I like: hope !

Well, with that,
we�ll leave you, Colonel. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

And good luck !
- Ciao.

As far as pranks go,

it�s a good one,
but where�s your sense of fair play ?

THE SUPER LOBSTER

Marcel !
I�ll be in the dining room.

Jeff ! I hope L�onard
won�t miss his plane.

Antoine is there
to make sure he doesn�t.

That will be seven francs
for the airport tax.

And once in Argentina,
I go into the breeding business.

Polo horses. I could export
to Europe and make a fortune.

But I can�t start that kind of thing
with a mere three million.

Just start another kind of thing.

Three millions. Three millions.
That is a mere pittance !

It really is something:

nothing is too beautiful
to rebuild your friend�s joint,

but when it�s for me, you�re suddenly
petty-minded and avaricious.

Did you forget
the four million you owe me ?

Ah, here we are !
I was expecting this.

So you throw them in
my face again ?

After all the trouble you caused
in my life and in my marriage,

you could have the decency of...
- It�s time.

What if I were suddenly jealous ?

What if I blackmailed you ?

I could refuse to go !

Lie down on your doorstep,
howling my pain all night long !

What I could receive
is not three million...

But two slaps in the face ?

Say ! Tonight in San Remo.

The second night in Rome.

Third night in Sorrento.
Fourth night in Capri.

If I understand correctly,
he will sleep by day, while you drive.

Hey, you know you can stay away
without us growing impatient.

So, is it done ?

What a bore.
But he should be taking off now.

So, are you still joining us in Capri
on the 17th with Mauricette ?

Yes, but I�ll make
the journey in a single leg.

Shall we go ?
- Yes.

Hey, guys, let�s have a last drink !
Marcel !

Alright, but quick.

What do you want to drink ?

The Super Lobster,
how may I help you ?

What ?
Antoine ! It�s for you !

For me ?
- Yeah.

Yes ?

What�s your trouble ?
And where are you calling me from ?

From the airfield.
I�m in a jam !

Yesterday, in Nice, I thought
I found two Sicilian peasants.

They looked like the perfect suckers,

and I put one million
for them on Patchouli,

at sixty to one.
But the damn horse didn�t win.

I�m living a nightmare.

They want to prevent me
from taking the plane.

Their pockets are full of razors.

You must come
and reason with them.

You owe me as much.

I�m not always asking you
for favours, am I ?

You won�t let them carve me up,
mister Antoine, will you ?

Stay where you are. I�m coming.

What did he do now ?
- He fucked up !

Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Quiet, please,
quiet. Let�s not get angry.

Oh, no, tell me you�re not
bringing him back !

I wish I were bringing
only him back.

There are two blokes in the trunk.

Translation: Goupil66

Timing: McDuck
June 2009