Original subtitles

(THE WORLD DON'T NEED ANOTHER LOVER PLAYING)

* The world don't need another lover

* The world don't need another lover

* I've had a pocketful of love in my time

* But the best of all's you

* I guess we perfected the emotional thing

* Just we two

* I searched all over for the permanent one

* And then I found you

* 'Cause no one's better when the lights go down

* And there's just we two

* The world don't need another lover

* Now it's got you, now it's got me

* The world don't need another lover

* 'Cause our love's more than the whole world needs

* Girl, our love's invincible

* I'm so proud with your hand in my hand

* Catch a wind and fly away

* We're on a one-way trip to wonderland

* Girl, our love's invincible

* I'm so proud with your hand in my hand

* Catch a wind and fly away

* We're on a one-way trip to wonderland

* The world don't need another lover

* Now it's got you, now it's got me

* The world don't need another lover

* 'Cause our love's more than this whole world needs

* The world don't need another lover *

(WHAT I AM PLAYING)

* I'm not aware of too many things

* I know what I know if you know what I mean

* I'm not aware of too many things

* I know what I know if you know what I mean *

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Jenny?

(KNOCKING)

(GUYS CHEERING)

That's great.

Jenny's going to come any second!

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, I was just going to spend the night alone

with Jenny tonight, you know.

Fuck you. I'm not pussy whipped.

Party time!

Maybe one beer, that's it.

(CHEERING)

(WILD WILD WEST PLAYING)

The party starts!

(CHEERING)

Shit.

You know... Hey, I cleaned earlier?

Yeah. Thank you.

* Dance to the beat that we love best

* Heading for the 90s

* Living in the wild wild west

* The wild wild west

* Mandy's in the back room handing out valium

* Sheriff's on the airwaves talking to the DJ's

* 47 heartbeats beating like a drum

* Got to live it up, live it up

* Ronnie's got a new gun

* The wild wild west

Jenny...

Some of the guys dropped by.

Hug me?

Will you?

The party's over!

What's the matter, no dick? Huh?

Jenny throw you out?

Uh! No.

Yeah, well, tell her I'm available, huh?

Why don't you go home, Jory?

You gonna make me?

Hey!

Goddamn! He's sick!

Come on, Jenny, open up!

Come on, Jen, my dad's coming.

Look, at least let me get my stuff.

You're packed.

I'm what?

You...

Look, Jenny, I... I know it's hard to explain, but...

Seems simple to me.

It's our last night before break,

you'd rather spend it throwing up

with a bunch of your beer buddies.

I get the hint, Randy.

No, no. I wasn't...

Okay, you're pissed.

No, I'm not.

I am not.

You know, I should thank you.

You finally made it very clear to me where I stand.

Jenny...

I don't want to break up with you.

Look, I got you a present.

Well, I know the wrapping's

a little bit... Primitive,

but it's nice. Go ahead, open it.

I'll open it. I'll open it.

There. What do you think?

A football jersey?

Yeah, looks great, doesn't it?

Jenny, I wanted to be with you last night.

The guys,

they just pushed their way in and... And...

Then why didn't you stand up for yourself?

And why don't you ever stand up for me?

Well, I do.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Like you do with your parents?

What? What do you mean?

You hide me from your parents, Randy.

You told them your roommate's name was Vic.

(SIGHS)

Randy, you did!

Jenny, look, my dad is gonna be pissed

when he sees my grades.

Now is not a good time

to tell him that I'm living with a girl.

So, I... I'm just supposed to be your secret little boy toy?

Jenny, you're not my boy toy.

I'm gonna tell him.

When?

As soon as I see him.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Really?

Really.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(DOOR OPENS)

Son, sorry I'm a little late,

but the traffic was terrible out there.

You ready to go? It's really good to...

Dad! Dad...

See you.

Good to see you.

You look great. How you been? God...

Oh, excuse me. I'm, um, Randy's dad.

Nice to meet you.

So tell. What's going on?

So, where's Vic?

Vic?

Your roommate. We were going to take him home.

Right, Vic! You just missed him.

His dad was here.

No, you missed him.

Oh, nice meeting you!

(WHISPERS) I'll call you, Jenny.

Whoa, hey, okay... Yeah...

Who... Who was that?

What? Oh! She's my bio tutor.

She thought she left a book here.

I think I better give you a hand.

No, no! That's not...

Okay, yeah. Mmm-hmm.

(MUSIC BLARING ON STEREO)

Your mom would have come, but she had a final today.

Final? Final for what?

She's taking a landscape architecture class.

Oh.

She's doing real well too.

That's good, Dad.

Hey, you got a problem?

No, a bad latch, Dad. Bad latch.

So, how did you do?

Do?

Grades, Son. How were the grades?

Oh, well, Dad.

That's kind of a, um, subjective thing.

Subjective, huh?

F in geometry.

Now, what the hell's so subjective about that?

See, everybody flunks that the first time, Dad.

Hmm...

And, uh, this D here, what's that for?

That teacher hates my guts, Dad.

And these "Incs"?

What are these "Incs"?

What does this mean?

Oh, incomplete.

It's cool. I can make it up.

Look, Dad, I tried to study. I really did,

but things came up.

Look, I'm sorry about school.

I won't do it again.

Damn right you won't do it again

'cause I'm not sending you back there!

Dad! Joe!

No more free ride!

Oh, Joe, we agreed we wanted him to have the opportunities

that we never had!

He'll be the first Bodek to graduate from college.

Diane, they don't let people who look like that graduate.

Now, honey, I really don't think I'm out of line here.

He's been in that school, what, two years?

He does not have a clue what he's doing there!

He can't even declare a... What do you call it?

Major.

Major! That's right, and I'll be damned

if I'm gonna keep throwing good money after bad money,

while he stands around looking like this!

Oh, that's great!

Don't think this changes a thing!

Don't send me back!

Well, I mean, look...

I mean, you're right.

Okay?

I don't know what I'm doing in school.

So I don't go back.

Well, I'll start my real life.

How bad could it be?

Yeah, what kind of cheese you want on that?

BOY 1: Extra gooey.

BOY 2: No, extra tangy.

Tangy...

Gooey.

Right. Yes...

Twenty-two.

I gotta get back to school.

Man, it's a summer job. What did you expect?

Yeah, right. It's a summer job for you.

This is life for me.

$4.80 an hour.

You know, people who swim here from Mexico make more than that?

Yeah, well, we pay Juan $5.10.

(CLANGING POTS)

He's got more experience.

I gotta get some training in something.

Hey, I wanna work triple shifts.

I need to make nine grand by September.

Oh, nine grand? Okay, let's see.

$4.80 an hour,

16 hour days, two and a half months,

no spending money.

We're looking at about,

ooh, half of what you need.

I think you just better start enjoying the one perk we got here.

Hi, girls. Hi.

Can I help you?

Oh, we're thinking...

Oh, we'd like a large Italian.

(GIGGLING) What?

A large, um, vegetarian, and, uh...

And two diet cokes. No ice.

No ice.

Well, here's your number.

Number 16 will be back with you in just a moment.

Tell me, tell me, who is that guy?

He's an exchange student from Italy.

Really? Oh, really.

Man, I can't believe they go for that Pepe Le Pew shit.

So cute.

Think he's taken?

SAL: Damn, that shit works for you.

Nah...

Yeah.

No, I'm not interested.

Oh, come on.

Yes. No.

This Jenny is 150 miles away.

She won't even return your phone calls. Give it up!

Look alive out here, will you?

See, you got a another delivery right here!

Oh! I caught a bad pepperoni.

Such a wise guy.

Okay, Bodek.

You're up. Ooh!

Take off.

(SIGHS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HONKING)

(GRUNTING)

(HUMMING)

Hi!

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm Randy.

Robin. Hi.

What can I do for you?

Well, I was wondering, um, uh...

You want to go out with me sometime?

What?

Well, you know, outside.

I was in the van.

I smiled.

You smiled.

Wait a minute, the guy in the van had a mustache.

Right.

What happened, I...

See, I wear this for my job.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my god.

You're just a boy.

I'm sorry, I... I don't date boys.

For what it's worth, I think she's made a big mistake.

Took a lot of nerve to go up to a complete stranger like that

and ask her out.

I admire that.

Thanks.

I have to go kill myself now. Excuse me.

Ah, don't take it so personally.

You know, some women just have limited perspective, that's all.

She didn't even give me a chance to talk to her.

It was like I was younger, so forget it.

Well, I know that was unfair.

Yeah.

You know, I've never met a man

who shied away from 20-year-old girls.

I don't see the difference.

A few years, it's no big deal.

She's just kind of bitchy, that's all.

Do you like clothes?

Yes. Yeah.

Come on.

Here. Oh.

Oh, excuse me.

Ooh...

It's okay. Did that hurt?

No, I'm hard-headed.

Oh, dear. Here.

Now wait, look.

This... These pads are very important, you see, in this jacket.

All right.

You see? Yeah.

Now, it should be. Hmm! Yeah.

There we are. Now...

Okay, hold on.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh...

Oh, that looks wonderful.

Think so? No, that's it.

Think that's okay?

No, I think a little bit like this.

Oh, like that? There, you see?

This should be like that.

Oh, you look wonderful.

You look good enough to go and have some cappuccino.

Cappuccino?

Would you like to have some cappuccino?

Me?

Don't worry, I'm not going to bite you.

Not over coffee, anyway.

Are you... Are you sure?

Okay. Yeah, okay.

Oh, shit! I'm in a red zone!

Look, I really...

See, I wanna, but I gotta get back to work.

See, I'm the only driver right now.

Thanks. Will I... Would you...

Okay, well, bye. Nice meeting you.

Bye.

Hey, wait! I'll move it! I'll move it!

Please, stop!

(HUMMING)

I had a letter to Penthouse staring me right in the face,

and I let it go.

I mean, this was an incredibly gorgeous woman.

Not a girl, Sal, a woman.

A Chanel Number 5 woman...

Bodek. Bodek. Yes?

You got a delivery here for Beverly Hills,

and the rest of these go to a stag party in Costa Mesa.

Ugh! Extra anchovies?

Costa Mesa?

Why do they want it from here?

All I know is they did. So move your tail.

We're here to serve.

(WALKIN' THE LINE PLAYING)

(HONKING)

* I walk the line

* I walk the line every day for you

Any luggage, sir?

Uh, no, pizza.

Pizza...

* If I don't get my way this time I'll die

* And that's no lie

Excuse me.

Uh-huh.

* Walk, walk, walk I keep on walkin' the line

* Run, run, run I'm runnin' outta my mind

* I need your love, I need your love tonight

* Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme lovin' tonight

* I need your lovin'

* Lovin'

* Lovin' * Lovin'

Oh! Excuse me.

* I keep on pushin'

* I keep on pushin' so hard for you *

Senor Pizza!

Come in.

Can you put it on the table, please?

Hi.

Hi!

I hope you didn't leave your car parked in a red zone this time.

Uh... No.

Please, sit down.

Oh, yes, definitely.

Oh, except, see,

I got this big delivery to make.

In Costa Mesa?

(SNORING)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

RANDY: Hi, Dad.

I'm at a friend's house, and I'm gonna...

I'm gonna spend the night, okay?

What? Whose?

Uh, just a guy from work, Dad.

Huh? What?

What was that?

Uh... What?

What was that?

Nothing. Randy?

Yeah, Dad, look, uh,

I'll see you in the morning, okay?

Yeah, sure, Son.

Ahh!

Ahh...

Oh...

Randy's going to be spending the night over at a friend's house.

Mmm-hmm, well, he's not going to come here.

He's miserable here.

(SIGHS)

Diane, it's been over two weeks.

How long are you gonna keep this up?

Joe, I don't know why you won't give him

one more chance at school.

He's had all the chances he's gonna get.

I think he's really sorry.

Doesn't look like he's slept in days.

So, Alex?

Yes, Randy?

You work at Avedon?

I own Avedon, darling.

Actually, I own all 11 stores.

Wow.

Does that bother you?

No, not at all.

I'm glad,

because it bothers some people.

Oh, like who?

Some men find it very wilting.

Mmm... Not me.

Can I ask you something?

Mmm-hmm.

Now, you could just snap your fingers

and get any guy you wanted.

I mean, I don't know what I'm doing here.

I mean, you're just so...

I came into town for a few days,

and when I saw you in the store,

I just thought you would be open.

Open?

Yes, I felt you knew how to enjoy yourself.

Oh.

* I need your love I need your love tonight

* Gimme, gimme, gimme gimme love tonight

* I need your lovin'

* Lovin'

* Lovin' * Lovin'

* Lovin', lovin'

SAL: Seven times! RANDY: Yeah.

Oh!

Man, that is like wild boars or something.

Oh, well...

I mean, that wasn't all we did.

We talked about stuff.

Yeah, right!

I mean, I don't believe this!

I mean, I come on to every girl that walks,

and they throw up.

You do absolutely nothing,

and you get Miss take-me-from-behind on a trapeze...

Oh, no, no, no, it was nothing like that.

Oh, yeah, right.

So you think you're going to hear from her again?

(GROANS)

Yeah.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Hi. What can I do for you?

I come to see Randy.

Randy? Really?

There's somebody here to see you, Son.

Thanks.

Yeah?

Uh, this...

Oh... Excuse me.

These are beautiful, no?

It make you look very handsome.

This is for me? Si.

It came to you at work, so I bring it myself here.

Is that the fourth one

this week, Tony?

Ah, these American women.

They're so cheap and easy.

All they say is, "Yes, Tony, yes, Tony."

You... You would rather have them say no?

This I would respect.

Well, thanks a lot.

Ciao.

So!

Who was that?

Oh, uh, just a guy I work with.

The guy you were with last night?

Yeah. Yeah.

What's the story with the coat, here?

Oh, he outgrew it

and thought I might like it.

Looks brand new to me.

Oh, well, see, what happened was...

(LAUGHS)

What happened was that he bought it on sale,

and it was the wrong size.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, I'll get it.

You dropped a...

Hello?

Hi, it's me. Sal, what's up?

Listen, I just took a delivery order.

Some woman asked for a large Pizza Loco with extra anchovies,

and she wanted you personally.

No!

You're kidding...

"Dear Randy.

"Of course I prefer you naked,

"but if you must wear something, it should be the best.

"Love, Alex."

Diane!

DIANE: Yeah!

Diane, our son is a fruit.

Yeah?

All right, I'll be right there. Thanks a lot.

Hey, um, they need me at work.

Oh, I thought you had the afternoon off?

(SIGHS)

A guy just shows up at the door

wearing enough cologne to make me puke.

He gives our son a coat that must cost 500 bucks.

No, no, no, wait, don't, Joe.

Don't jump to conclusions.

See, the other driver called in sick,

and they're already swamped with deliveries.

So, you know, look, don't hold dinner for me.

I might get back late, okay?

Yeah, okay. Bye-bye. Bye.

He never brings girls home to meet us.

He never even talks about girls anymore.

You always think it happens to the other guy.

Joe! Joe.

(MELT AWAY PLAYING)

I could get used to this. Oh...

(GRINDS GEARS)

Oh, shit. Sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

Okay.

What I could do with you in Rome

in two months, Randy.

What's wrong, darling?

I just think you should know that...

Alex, I love being with you and everything.

It's just that...

I don't love you.

You don't? No.

See, I've got this girl, Jenny.

Yeah.

Back at school, and well, we sort of broke up and everything,

but... But, see, I'm gonna...

Oh, oh, oh.

Randy, it's okay.

I think I can handle it.

Phew.

Thanks, Alex.

(ALEX LAUGHING)

What's this?

That's the Randy Bodek Scholarship fund.

Oh, no.

Alex...

I can't. Why not?

Because it makes me feel...

Randy...

If I was the one who needed money,

and you had it to give,

would you give it to me?

Yes.

Of course you would.

So what's the difference?

I'm never gonna see you again, am I?

Be on the look out for extra anchovies.

Randy!

DIANE: Joe...

Jumping to conclusions, am I, Diane?

How dare you sneak home in the middle of the afternoon

to invade your son's privacy.

His privacy?

Randy's sex life is his own business,

and if he wanted to discuss it with us, I'm sure he would.

Come on, Diane,

our son is dressing up in ladies' underwear!

This is a problem. He needs professional help!

No, what he needs are sympathetic parents

who let him know how much they love him.

Let's see how sympathetic you are

when he wants to borrow your make up.

Oh, Joe.

Oh, Joe.

Oh, god.

RANDY: Okay.

Take the moon. It's a chunk of rock.

Why does it spin around the Earth?

Why doesn't it just bolt off into space?

The smartest scientists in the world don't understand

a billionth of what's going on out there.

So why should I feel so stupid

because I don't understand women?

You get all that from looking at a cold pizza, man?

You're in worse shape than I thought...

Sal, I'm serious.

So far I've saved, what, 270 bucks.

I'm never going to get Jenny back.

See, I don't know what to do.

I do. Move your butt.

Hey, this says extra anchovies. Who called it in?

What do you mean, who? Some lady.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold it!

Where's your mustache? I want mustaches worn!

(PHONE RINGING)

Sal said I didn't have to wear it.

Sal, mustaches, mustaches...

Ah, you're bumming me out, man.

Senor Pizza!

(MOURNFUL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Alex?

Hello.

Hi.

I'm a friend of Alexandra.

Oh.

It's okay?

What?

Oh, no.

I... No!

(LOUD SOBBING)

(SIGHS)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

It's nothing personal.

I want to die!

Ah, come on, don't talk that way.

Look, it's just been one giant mistake.

Yes. My marriage.

14 years of a big mistake.

Hey, come on, it can't be that bad.

I mean, look... Look at this house.

What? It's great!

It's a prison.

Okay, why don't you sit down here?

You know, I hope everything works out.

No. No...

No!

When I was younger in Japan, I had many boyfriends,

many proposals of marriage,

but no, I wanted to marry American,

be American woman with American freedom and opportunity,

but my husband, he treats me like a geisha.

Well, I'm not a geisha!

(SHIRT RIPPING)

(SHOUTING)

I'm a computer analyst!

Look, I'm sorry, but I really gotta get going.

He treats me like his slave,

and now, when I finally get the courage

to do something for myself,

even you professional, you refuse me.

No, see? I'm not a professional.

I want to die.

Stop it!

Oh. Oh, no.

No, no, no. Not like that.

That's my husband's way.

I'm sorry. I thought that...

I have a fantasy.

KYOKO: Take me.

Take me.

Take me!

Yes. Okay.

Whoa!

(MOANING)

(KYOKO LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

(LOUD GROANS)

(BOTH MOANING)

MAN: Yes, ma'am. Absolutely.

And thank you very much.

Hey, Bodek!

You really are quite the popular guy,

aren't you?

Look at this. Look at this.

We've got a bunch of deliveries here.

Hey, Juan! JUAN: Yeah?

Break me out

one of those big cans of anchovies, will you?

Oh, my goodness...

What the hell is going on, man?

I don't know.

That last delivery wasn't Alex.

Yeah, I figured so.

You got five more calls, all deliveries...

Oh, god.

...all extra anchovies.

Four of those scheduled deliveries for later this week!

I just couldn't say no.

Alex? She just insisted,

and then Kyoko. Kyoko, it was like, uh...

(BUBBLING SOUNDS FROM TRASH)

I was defending the American way.

Wait a second.

It's taking me a second to get this here.

Beautiful women actually paid you 200 bucks a piece to sleep with them!

Yeah, I didn't want to take their money. I really didn't!

They were nice people.

They wouldn't take no for an answer.

Okay, well, what about the others?

Call them back and just tell them

that there are no more anchovies.

I can't!

They didn't leave their name or their phone numbers.

All they did is leave addresses,

three of them are motels in the valley, man.

I cannot believe Alex would do this to me.

Who knows?

Right now, your name and your number

could be on every wall of every ladies' room

from Shenwah to Le Dome, man.

You could be the love doctor of Beverly Hills.

I don't wanna be the love doctor of Beverly Hills!

You're going. I am not going!

No.

ROBOT: Intruder! HARRY: What do you think, Joe?

Portable home security systems.

I pick them up in Tokyo for a buck and a quarter,

sell them here for 40 bucks.

Ain't that something?

That's great. It's really great.

I got 20,000 of these babies

waiting to go into this warehouse,

as soon as you build it.

Right. Right.

Excuse me, Mr. Bodek.

Yes, Linda?

Mr. Rubelinski's calling.

Tell him I'll call him back.

Okay. Oh, excuse me, Mr. Bodek,

do you mind if I spend the night in your trailer tonight?

They're painting my apartment and the fumes are...

(GASPS)

No problem.

Uh, look, Linda. Yeah?

You're sure you'll be safe down here?

Yeah, I can take care of myself.

Hey, that's not bad.

Porking her?

I'm a happily married man, Harry.

At least I used to be.

Does this kid look like a fruit to you?

Hey, you can't tell these days.

I think I'm entitled to be a little concerned here.

I've tried to talk to the wife about it.

She won't even listen.

Shit.

You never get treated that way with an oriental woman.

Great sex.

No lip.

I'm married to one. Yeah?

Damn right.

I heard this story once

from this guy back in New York.

This guy was late for work,

and he sees his bus leaving the stop.

His oriental wife runs into the street,

jumps right in front of it and stops it for him.

That's what marriage is all about, you ask me.

Hmm.

What happened to the wife?

What?

The wife?

When she jumped in front of the bus?

You're never gonna get it, are you?

RANDY: I want another chance.

My life is a mess without you.

Yeah, I know.

I'm not ashamed of you.

I'm proud.

I'm gonna tell my parents about you,

and I really want them to meet you.

Now, they're having their 20th anniversary at the end of this month.

And, uh, what about your father?

I don't care what my father thinks.

I know my mom's gonna love you.

Look, just don't say no until you think about it.

(BREATHING HARD)

(SCREAMS)

(SNORING)

Oh, no.

Mr. Bodek.

Mr. Bodek.

(SNORES) Uh...

No, no.

No, Mr. Bodek, you can't stay here.

You've gotta go.

Oh, god.

Please? Please, wake up.

(SCREAMS)

Mom?

Huh?

What are you doing up?

Where's Dad?

I don't know. We had a fight.

Oh. About me?

Ah...

Mom, I'm sorry.

Don't worry.

You know, I bet he just crashed out

on the sofa bed at the office.

Yeah.

You're probably right.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Good night.

Okay, good night.

(SIGHS)

(MOANING) Oh, Diane.

Oh. Linda?

Mr. Bodek?

What are you doing here?

Nothing!

I told you they're painting my apartment, remember?

No! No?

Ow! Ooh, my head.

Oh! Oh!

Sorry.

Oh, Linda, Linda, we didn't, uh...

No! No! No! No.

No, you came in here. I couldn't even move you.

Thank god!

Oh, listen, Linda,

nobody will believe that we just slept here.

Yeah. No.

No, it's okay.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

There's nobody here yet.

Ah, we're safe. We're safe.

Excuse me. We're safe.

As long as we don't ever let anybody ever know about this.

No, I won't... Ever. Okay?

Okay, I won't say a word. I promise.

(PHONE RINGING)

No, don't. Don't.

Mr. Bodek's office.

Linda?

It's your wife.

(SCREAMS)

JORY: Hey, Bodek!

Yeah?

Look who's here.

Goofing off on the job, huh?

(SIGHS)

What do you want, Jory?

I wanna give you my order, Rander.

I'll have Taco Macho.

(SCOFFS)

Extra lettuce, extra cheese,

a large Coke,

and, uh, Jenny's phone number.

I mean, seeing how you're never getting back to school,

I might as well get a hop on it...

Listen, asshole, you stay away from her.

Go ahead, no dick, take a shot.

Come on, guys, mellow out.

Take a number and sit down.

You just lost your tip. Geek.

(JUAN SPEAKS SPANISH)

Okay, let's see, 9,000,

plus the 400 you just made.

Divided by 200. What're you doing?

Let's see, that's only 43 women.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh.

(SECURITY DOOR BUZZING)

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Senor Pizza?

It's about time.

Sorry.

Put it down.

Not on the plant.

(SIGHS)

So?

So?

Uh, you want me to fix you a drink or something?

If I wanted a drink,

I would have hired a bartender!

Could you get over here and help with this?

Oh, sure.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Oh, shit. What's the matter?

Oh, hang on.

(GRUNTING)

Oh!

Don't move.

My lip is caught in the zipper.

What?

My lip is caught in the zipper!

I don't believe this.

Wait! Ow! Ow!

Ooh!

Good god.

What kind of professional lover are you?

Um...

Just... Just take your clothes off.

(CLEARING THROAT)

RANDY: What are you crazy? People can see!

JOYCE: Fine! I want them to.

What, look, um,

if something's bothering you,

maybe this isn't the best time.

If something's bothering me?

Of course something's bothering me, stupid!

Do you know what this is?

It looks like a... Wrong!

It's my husband's beeper.

Have you heard of him?

Dr. Reed Palmer.

Ha!

I used to think the son of a bitch was a saint

with all of his middle of the night emergency calls.

Well, I just found out

he's been screwing some little nympho RN

on the graveyard shift!

(OBSERVERS LAUGH)

Hey, hey, come on.

Let's calm down.

You know, two can play at this game.

You wait till I tell my husband.

Your husband? Come on.

What are you doing?

(OBJECTS CLANGING)

(RATTLING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Oh, god.

JOYCE: Oh, yeah.

RANDY: Is this okay?

JOYCE: Oh, good, it's really good.

Oh! Feels weird.

Oh, it doesn't feel weird to me.

You're sure?

Oh, yeah, you're great at this.

Oh! Thanks.

Um, Joyce?

Yes?

Now, how did you get my number?

Oh, at my salon, why?

Your salon...

(CRASHING)

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

I'm a little rusty myself.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

So, you really like dancing to this stuff?

Oh, yeah, sure. A lot of women do.

You know, if you learned,

I bet your clients would really appreciate it.

You know, Reed hasn't taken me dancing...

Since we were in med school.

I know this is probably against your professional code,

but can I ask you a personal question?

Sure.

Well, it's just that

this isn't what I imagined.

I was angry,

and I wanted to get back at my husband,

and I guess I kind of expected

a sort of wham, bam, thank you, ma'am,

but you're not like that at all.

No.

Oh...

Hey, I'm having a great time!

You're worth every penny.

Honey!

I'm home!

(HUMMING)

Oh, Randy.

We really need to talk, Son.

Hi, sweetheart.

Honey, I got you some flowers,

and I just thought we could talk...

* The way you wear your hat

RANDY: Two, three, four.

(DOOR SLAMS)

* The way you sip our tea

Six, seven, eight.

* The memory of all that

(RANDY SINGING ALONG)

* Oh, no, they can't take that away from me

* The way your smile just beams

RANDY: Two, three, four, kick.

* The way you sing off key

Five, six, seven...

* The way you haunt my dreams *

(SNIFFING)

JOE: Hey, Son!

Thought you might want to check out

the annual football issue.

No.

Look, smell.

No, smell.

It's got a nice smell to it.

I kind of like it.

Hey, catch!

What?

Hey, he's still got it.

Yeah.

(MUTTERING ABOUT SMELLS)

It's sad. It's really, very sad.

(MACHINE BEEPING)

RANDY: Jen? Yeah, uh...

Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking

about what you said back at school.

About how I don't know how to treat a woman.

Well...

(LAUGHS)

You're right,

but, you know, I am working on it.

(REWINDING TAPE) Yeah. Okay, I got it.

* We may never, never meet again

* On the bumpy road to love

* But I'll always, always keep the memory of *

(REWINDS TAPE)

Excuse me.

(THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME PLAYING)

(CORK POPPING)

(GASPS)

(I WANNA BE AROUND PLAYING ON STEREO)

Just relax.

So how've you been?

It's good to see you.

Okay...

Whoops. Sorry.

Excuse me.

(EXCLAIMING)

* To pick up the pieces

* When somebody breaks your heart

* Some somebody twice as smart

* As I

* A somebody who will swear to be true

Mmm.

This is the best part right here.

You ready for this?

* As you used to do with me *

(CHUCKLING)

(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

I tried it,

and I shared all that I could.

Then I bought the crystals.

Finally, I tried channeling,

so I find out who I am a thousand years ago,

but I need to know who I am today.

Mmm-hmm.

And don't forget to order extra anchovies.

* We may never never meet again

* On the bumpy road to love

* But I'll always, always...

(THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME PLAYING ON STEREO)

* The way you wear your hat

* The way you sip your tea

* The memory of all that

* Oh, no, they can't take that away from me

* The way your smile just beams

* The way you sing off key

* The way you haunt my dreams

* No, no, they can't take that away from me

* We may never never meet again

* On the bumpy road to love

* But I'll always, always keep the memory of

RANDY: Look, please think about coming over to my parents'

for the anniversary next week.

Come on, at least pick up the phone.

Okay.

But I still love you.

Bye-bye.

(KISSES INTO PHONE)

* No, they can't take that away from me *

So how are we doing?

SAL: Well, less expenses...

Is $6,879.32.

Hey, that's not bad.

Yeah, and it's going to get a lot better too.

We now take all major credit cards.

What?

Oh, come on.

These women haven't touched cash in years.

This way they don't have to go to the bank.

They don't have to, uh, explain

those mysterious withdrawals.

Yeah, but there's gonna be a record.

Yeah, charge it to Senor Pizza.

I mean, so the Bridge Club ordered in.

I don't like it.

Oh, come on. Look, I do the books at the store.

Who's gonna know?

Hold on, let me just get this off.

Oh, looks good.

(GIGGLING)

Stop it.

Ooh!

Mmm.

WOMAN: Ooh.

(WOMAN MOANING)

Oh. Mmm.

Don't stop.

Jory?

Hi.

Senor Pizza with extra anchovies.

Great.

Right here is fine.

Right here?

Well, sure.

Leslie! Julie!

Come on, kids, pizza here!

JULIE: Yay!

Get the extra anchovies, Mom?

Well, I sure did. Come on.

Uh... Huh.

RANDY: So you did these, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

What are they, they mountains?

Anatomical landscapes.

That one's a shoulder.

That one is a neck.

That's a bicep,

the one with the egg, there.

Oh. Another shoulder.

These are all parts of a guy?

Uh-huh. They're my husband.

He's a bodybuilder.

Mr. California Olympian '84.

Oh...

So does he, um, still look like that?

No.

He's much bigger now.

(SLURPS)

Uh, look, maybe I shouldn't be here.

No, no, no, don't worry about it.

He won't be home for hours.

He's into private instruction now.

Very private.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

All day he works on starlets

with these little Barbie doll hard bodies.

Why should he want to come home to this?

I would come home.

No, no, no, no.

You should see these girls.

All they do is eat kelp and drink spritzers,

and here I am with my cigarette and my drink, right?

I mean, I can't help it

if I like a shot of tequila every once in a while.

I like actual food.

Not fiber. Fuck fiber.

I want grease. I like red meat.

I got pork chops hidden in the freezer.

And my husband's in the perfect body business.

It's like a joke.

Maybe he likes you the way you are.

Mmm, yeah, right.

You want to see what he got me for my birthday?

Sure.

Is that, like, a hint, or what?

Well, I don't think that was a hint.

Okay, smile.

Oh, no. Please. Please.

Relax. Ooh!

National cellulite contest

isn't until next week, okay?

That's good.

Ooh, smile.

(SHUTTER CLICKING RAPIDLY)

Okay. Great.

Yes, and hold it.

Okay, relax and releasing into the photo experience,

and breathe, and say yes

to the photo experience, and...

Don't make me look vulnerable.

Forbidden quality. Certain dignity.

Anything?

RANDY: Okay, let's see.

That's a pastrami burrito, nacho plato...

Hey! And a Diet Coke.

(SCREAMING)

Randy Bodek!

(CHOKING)

You been messing with my wife?

No.

(BONES CRUNCHING)

(SHOUTING)

(MOANING)

Multiple fractures. Internal hemorrhaging.

We need immediate x-rays.

It's too late for that!

We've got to open him right up.

Whatever you say, Dr. Palmer.

Dr. Palmer? Dr. Reed Palmer?

That's right, Randy.

I believe you know my wife.

No anesthetic!

(GASPS FROM CROWD)

(GASPING)

(DRILL MOTOR RUNNING)

Ah. No, no, no.

(EVIL HUMMING)

(SQUEAKILY) No, no, no, no.

(CACKLING)

(SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

JOE: Hi, honey!

Joe.

Is it raining?

Yeah, we got a regular shower going down here.

(WOMAN GIGGLING)

Joe, who was that?

Hey, think you could foot the bill?

Ah, he couldn't handle the two of us.

Oh, it's just a couple of hookers, honey.

Uh, look, I don't know what time...

(SCREAMING)

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

Well, I gotta tell you.

I can't find anything physically wrong.

Joyce, I'm not making this up.

I have pains in my chest.

I know you're not making this up.

I think it's caused from stress.

Have you been upset

or had emotional problems lately?

I still can't believe it, right before our 20th anniversary.

How am I going to get through that party when I know?

(SIGHS)

And it isn't just his secretary.

This time he actually admitted he was with hookers,

and I swear to God,

the son of a bitch called from a shower stall.

Well, at least my husband has the brains

to invent some excuse.

I mean, we've had our ups and downs

just like everybody else.

(SIGHS)

But we were happy.

I know we were.

How about sexually?

Great!

Uh, great, you know, until recently.

Oh, god, it's all my fault.

That your husband's having affairs?

Diane...

Joyce...

What am I gonna do?

I know what you're going through.

Believe me, I know what you're going through.

What is that? A prescription?

Kinda.

Penny for them?

Nothing.

I... I've been having nightmares.

About what?

Husbands.

Me too.

No, I mean, like...

Maybe I shouldn't be doing this.

Randy!

Nobody's going to find out.

Yeah, well...

You parked in the back, right?

Yeah.

Besides, Harry never comes home.

He's downtown all day. Every day.

Kyoko?

God, it's Harry!

Pumpkin!

Where you at?

Harry... I don't believe it.

I got a thousand crates of those talking robots,

sitting on the dock!

(AIR HISSING)

I just find out I lost a week on the warehouse.

Oh, no.

The city forgot to inform us

that there's a little water main

that goes right through my goddamn lot.

I'm so sorry.

That doesn't help.

(COUGHING)

I'll fix you something to eat.

Are you hungry?

Wish I could take a bath

in the middle of the afternoon.

Harry.

Harry.

I know something's wrong.

You've been acting strange for weeks.

You've been too freakin' cheerful.

Oh. Oh...

I always use rose petals in my bath.

Since when?

Harry.

Harry, let me fix you a drink.

Yeah.

Intruder! Intruder!

Trespasser. Trespasser.

Bad boy! Bad boy!

Shh!

Very bad, very bad boy!

Hai! Hai! Hai!

Hey, is somebody up there?

Of course not.

Don't you want your gin and tonic?

Harry.

Baby, baby, baby. Papa, papa! Violator!

What's the matter? Why are you crying?

(ECHOES OF ANIMAL CRIES)

Ai! Intruder alert!

Trespasser!

Intruder alert! Trespasser!

(ROBOT SHOUTING)

Look at that!

Those things go off all the time!

Face it, Harry. They're junk.

Junk! Harry Bruckner does not buy junk!

Now, where is your guy?

He's in there, huh?

Where are the keys at?

It's your storeroom. How should I know?

Never mind!

There are other ways of finding out where your guy is.

Probably one of your old boyfriends.

There's the one from Yokohama...

(ALL ROBOTS SHOUTING)

Harry!

You have no right!

He's not here now,

but he was here today, wasn't he?

Mr. Rose-on-the-pillow.

Let me see that.

Oh. Two-hour appointment

with Dr. Palmer this morning.

House call, right?

I knew that son of a bitch was porking his patients.

I knew it!

Goodbye, Harry.

Relax, Mr. Chapman.

You're in good hands with Dr. Palmer.

Haven't had any complaints yet.

Have we, darling?

Son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch!

(MACHINE BEEPING RAPIDLY)

(NURSE SCREAMING)

You've been porking my wife!

I didn't know Darlene was married.

She never told me.

Who the hell is Darlene?

Fred Astaire tipped me off.

HARRY: What?

Joyce used to love to go dancing.

I knew something was up when I saw those old records out again.

Then the roses in her dresser with a real...

Roses. You too?

This guy got some line of bullshit.

How come you didn't give it to her right then?

I don't know.

I've been fooling around with Darlene on the side.

I figured it, you know, maybe it was only fair.

Bullshit.

Right. Bullshit!

There. There it is. Right there.

See, I noticed she gets these roses every Tuesday.

That's the day this joker comes by.

Personal fitness trainer. Ha!

Let's get that bastard!

Come on out here!

You who've been porking my wife!

(DOGS BARKING)

I see them moving around in there.

Come on out, little weasel!

All right.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Great!

Ah!

This is all I need.

You guys are robbing my house,

my wife's having an affair.

What the hell, go ahead.

Buddy?

Big... Big buddy?

Your wife is having an affair?

(SIGHS)

Hmm!

DIANE: Extra anchovies.

(HONKING)

Randy, what is wrong?

Tony, a lot of these girls you've been seeing,

they've got boyfriends, don't they?

Of course. Husbands sometimes.

Well, have any of them ever found out and

came after you or anything like that?

Of course.

In Genoa,

a husband come after me with a butcher knife.

We fight. We fight,

and I hit him to the ground.

I bite his ear off.

He don't bother me no more.

Great.

Wilshire Motel?

Extra anchovies? No problem. Enjoy.

No, no!

There's a husband out there who wants to kill me!

I wanna retire!

Hold it! What?

Listen, you're exactly one romantic interlude

away from the jackpot.

What?

Do you have one left in you? One?

One. One, yes.

Forty-three, 76, hike! Go!

(SHOUTING)

Here you go, Mrs. Smith, room 214.

Other side of the pool.

Thank you.

Hello.

Are you Sal?

Yeah. I'm Jenny.

Oh, Randy's Jenny?

I thought you were in Santa Barbara.

Well, Randy invited me to his parents' party.

I thought you guys broke up.

Well, we did, but, uh...

He's not seeing anybody else, is he?

Seeing? No.

He's seeing somebody else.

No, he's not! Trust me. Trust me.

He's gonna die when he sees you.

Why don't you just have something to eat?

Fine, I'll, um...

I'll have a Pizza Loco.

Any extra anchovies on that?

No, does anybody?

Are you kidding? Oh yeah.

It's the hottest item all summer.

It's kind of a female thing around here.

(PHONE RINGING)

555-8411.

Yeah, hello. Look, I called earlier

to order the pizzas with extra anchovy.

Uh, Wilshire Motel?

Yeah, that's right. Look, I'm sorry.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel that order.

Too late. It's on its way.

I'm afraid you don't understand.

You see... I don't think I can eat the anchovies.

(WHISPERING) I'm a married woman.

Look, lady, for all I care, you can throw it out the window.

You order it! You pay!

No. Hello!

(SIGHS)

Ice. Get some ice.

Hello?

(KNOCKS)

Hello?

Last one.

Oh, jeez.

Hey, hey, come here.

(WHISTLES)

Bring the little fish.

Okay, good, good. Come on, come on.

Okay, okay. Look out. Move over.

Mommy, can I have a piece of pizza?

Maybe later.

Somebody in there?

(KNOCKING ON BATHROOM DOOR)

Hello...

(BURSTS)

(GIGGLING)

GIRL: Bye!

JORY: Hey, Jen.

All right.

Jory. How are you?

You're looking good.

Jory, man, someone just called.

Your mom's been in a serious accident.

Good.

Man, I'm telling you, she's in the hospital!

Get out of my face, will you?

Why don't you tell her

why you really don't want me to talk to her?

Go ahead. Tell her.

Tell her Randy's been making it

with some lady old enough to be my mother.

Come on, Jen. Let's get outta here.

Hey, Tony! Look, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need a really...

I need a really big favor.

Randy, what is wrong now?

You gotta deliver this to the Wilshire Motel, Room 214.

But it is all broken.

TONY: The tip will be very small.

Look, don't worry about the tip!

You just gotta tell the woman that you're very sorry,

but that there are no more anchovies.

She should just go home and forget about it, okay?

But we have many anchovies.

Yeah, I know! Just do it.

(SIGHS)

Okay. Ciao.

Ooh! You son of a bitch!

Oh...

Listen, man, I tried to tell her,

she wouldn't listen.

Oh, man, how could you?

What kind of amoral chump are you?

I wouldn't call it amoral, exactly.

Oh, Sal, it's the sickest thing I've ever heard of!

Oh, come on, man.

I tried to cover for you. I honestly did.

Then once Jory got to her.

Jory got to my mother? God! That is awful...

No! Jenny!

Jenny? She's here.

Yes. Well, where is she?

What did she say? What'd you tell her?

Does she want to get back together with me?

Hold it! This is great.

Not... Not really.

(HUMMING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hello, I...

If you say another word,

I swear to God, I'll lose my nerve.

(DOOR OPENS)

Diane! No. Dad?

Did a girl named Jenny call? No.

Shoot.

Uh, son, I think your mother is going to divorce me.

What?

I think your mother has left.

You mean she's not back yet?

Back from where?

Uh, from wherever she went.

No,

and tonight of all nights.

The party...

Where every single person we know in life

is going to be there to watch

a marriage of 20 years go right down the tubes.

No! Yes!

I... I bet she went down to Tiki Joe's.

Tiki Joe's?

Yeah, to check on the last minute details.

Well, you know how she gets. I'm gonna stop her.

What?

Help her. While you get ready to go!

Okay! Oh, good.

Get ready!

You are very beautiful.

Oh! I'm sorry. I can't do this.

I thought I could, but I just can't.

I have respect for this.

Oh, well, thank you. That's very nice of you.

You are not cheap and easy.

No. I tried, but it's just not me.

Forget the pizza. I buy you real dinner.

No.

A dinner and movie.

No. Thank you, no.

I pay.

No! No, look, Topo Gigo, I don't wanna sleep with you,

I don't wanna date you. I just wanna leave now.

You mean, you say no to me?

Yes, I say no and goodbye.

You cannot leave.

Oh, oh. $200, right?

No, it's $12.50.

I give you coupon discount.

You give coupons?

Not for everyone. A privilege.

You are not the regular American woman,

and I am not the regular delivery boy.

Oh, my god. You're not?

No, he asked me to come here

and say we have no more anchovies,

but I cannot lie to you, my dove.

I have many anchovies for you! Many!

Oh, no! No! Please!

Oh, this is all a horrible mistake.

I'm so... Oh, my god! Oh, you're just some...

Oh, my god! You cannot leave!

Oh, my god!

Wait!

My anniversary party.

Oh, Joe's already there.

Oh, god! All those people!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Wait!

I'm such a jerk.

Come on, Jen.

I was so stupid to come all the way down here without even calling first.

What was I thinking?

Hey, I hate to say it,

but the guy never appreciated you.

You know, I was just starting to get over him too.

Jen, don't be so hard on yourself.

I mean, so you made a mistake. Big deal.

You're a terrific person.

You have everything going for you.

Hey, come on, onward and upward, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I... I guess.

Jory!

You know we'd be good together, Jen.

Jory, get off of me!

Come on. We both need it.

Get off! Stop!

Ah!

JENNY: Stop! Stop!

Thank you so much. You have just saved my life.

This guy was unbelievable...

No funny cash withdrawals.

Me neither.

This sleezeball's a pro.

He's got to be getting paid somehow.

Well, he wouldn't exactly accept credit cards, would he?

Hold it.

I've got three charges for deliveries

from some place called Senor Pizza.

So?

Selling for 200 bucks a pop, and Monica hates pizza.

Wait a minute. I got five of those.

Oh, no...

Now... Jesus Christ!

I love you!

Go away.

(REVVING ENGINE)

Are you crazy? You'll be killed.

I don't care. I will die for your love.

No! Move your hand.

I love you.

Move that hand.

I love you!

It's probably some young beach boy stud

with a name like Jason.

Yeah, some poetry-reading wimp.

Whoever he is,

he's gonna get his face stomped.

* You shake my nerves and you rattle my brains

* Too much love drives a man insane

* You broke my will but what a thrill

* Goodness gracious great balls of fire!

* I laughed at love 'cause I thought it was funny

Where's Tony?

Tony? The son of a bitch never came back from his break.

Sal's on delivery. I'm all alone here.

Randy?

Jenny, oh...

You look different.

Since when do you notice that?

I see you've changed your style.

Oh. Yes, I have.

Oh... I missed you.

Did you?

Oh, yes.

You bitch! Nobody plays with me like that!

Leave her alone!

You and me, bozo! Oh, yeah?

Outside! Outside! Take it outside!

Come on. Come on.

Don't do this.

Jenny, stay out of it.

No watches and no rings.

No chains.

Right there. You got extra everything.

Sausage and the jalapeno peppers...

Where's your delivery guy?

Out, uh, out back.

Where you going? Hey, wait a minute. Where you...

Come on, come on.

Randy, can we just get out of here?

Jenny, this is something I gotta do.

Come on. What are you, chicken?

What are you waiting for now? I'm ready for you...

Jeez.

Hey, wait! Wait!

You're Joe Bodek's son!

Yeah.

Okay. All right. I'm... I'm Randy Bodek.

Hey, what is this?

Leave him alone! It's not him!

He's a homo.

All right, Bodek, you ready to get your ass kicked?

* You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain

* Too much love drives a man insane

Oh, no...

Talk to him.

* I laughed at love 'cause I thought it was funny

* You came along and moved me, honey

* I've changed my mind, this girl is fine

Your stud days are over, pretty boy!

Yeah!

Bastard!

Hah!

Yeah!

* You're fine, so kind

* Got to tell this world that you're mine, mine, mine, mine

* I chew my nails and I twiddle my thumbs

* I'm real nervous, but it sure is fun *

Okay, let's go.

Other side.

What?

What is going on?

It's a long story.

You're luggage, pal. Luggage!

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Cocktail, Mr. Bodek?

Yeah, why not.

Hi. How you all doing?

Hey, Joe, congratulations.

Where's the better half?

Wish I knew.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my god.

Oh.

(HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What do you think of your lover boy now?

He's delivered his last pizza around here.

Who's this?

Pizza...

You're looking for the guy who delivers pizza?

RANDY: Well, it wasn't exactly

how I planned to spend my summer.

It sort of just happened.

Do you hate me?

Well, how am I supposed to feel

knowing that you slept with all of those women?

Well, see, now, the weird thing is,

I didn't sleep with all of them.

You know, they just wanted somebody

to make them feel special.

Ah, come on.

Jenny, there are a lot of women out there

who don't believe in love anymore.

You know, all they wanted was a little romance

and a little respect.

So I tried to give them what they missed.

Are you telling me that you did all this for them?

No, I did this because I had to pay my own tuition.

You know... Because I had to get back to you.

And how would you feel if I said, um,

I slept with all these guys this summer,

but, hey, I did it for you?

I'd hate it.

Just take me to the bus station.

Okay.

Okay, I just have to make one stop first.

Where?

Well, I gotta save my parents' marriage.

(ALL SINGING)

That woman nuts?

That's my mother!

Hello, Diane.

Hi.

MAN: Hey!

(YELLING)

Who was that?

TONY: I'm okay. I'm okay.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Joe! Oh, Joe! Oh, Joe!

I am so sorry.

No, Diane, I am so sorry.

I am so sorry. Later, Linda.

No, see, your husband and I,

we didn't do anything.

No problem, Linda, okay?

Go away, Linda. Go away! Go away!

Hi, I'm Brad. Frosty beverage?

No, Brad, no frosty beverage. Thank you.

Okay.

Look out!

Cara... Cara!

So this is the man that stands between us.

Tony! Tony!

No, Tony!

I need to talk to you for a sec...

Son? I need to speak with you. Yeah, but, Dad...

Now, look, I've been thinking this over.

Now, I'm your father. I know that.

You're my son, and I love you,

and it's really okay that you're gay.

Gay? What?

But I really don't think this is the proper place

for your lover to be making a big scene.

Dad, what are you talking about?

I know all about you and this guy, Alex, here.

But I'm Tony. You're who?

I meet this woman when I deliver pizza for him.

For you?

You're the regular delivery boy?

Yeah, see...

So what is this guy doing here?

Well...

I love her.

What did you say? She needs a real man.

Oh, no.

Are you talking to me?

Dad, wait!

Hey, Dad. Dad!

He better be in there, kid.

Yeah, he'd better.

Joe! Joe! Joe!

Come on, put up your hands.

There he is! That's him!

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Randy!

Come here, you!

Come on!

Oh, I said I was sorry.

Are you all right?

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

(GRUNTING)

Hey!

Hey, hey!

Shit! Shit!

You son of a bitch!

My favorite toupee!

Oh! Excuse me.

Come here.

(SIREN WAILING)

You're gone.

Your days are numbered.

He's getting away!

Come here.

All right, Harry, what the hell is all this?

Your son has been porking my wife!

Mine too. Same here.

Well, I thought you were gay! No!

(LAUGHING)

Mom!

Mom, I don't... Believe this!

OFFICER: Hold it, you three.

Hold it right there.

Oh, wait, wait. Mom? Dad?

Yes. Excuse me.

This is Jenny.

We've been living together for two semesters...

And I'm in love with her.

DIANE: Aw...

You have no idea how happy I am to meet you.

Jenny! It's so nice to meet you.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

It's nice to meet you too.

This is beautiful.

Come on, let's go. Go ahead.

BRAD: Frosty beverage?

So, you a friend of his?

Best friend.

There's this song. It goes, um...

(SCATTING THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME)

(REPEATS ON CLARINET)

That's it! Can you play that?

Come on.

I don't know.

Come on. Come on, come on.

Jenny, I'm gonna give the money back.

I don't want it.

I'm going to keep my day job,

and I'm gonna come up, I'm gonna see you on weekends.

Forget about it.

You're going back to college.

I suppose you got some idea of what you're doing there.

Oh, I do. I want to major in pre-med,

minor in Japanese,

study some photography courses...

I think we'll talk about this tomorrow.

Okay.

(CHUCKLING)

Congratulations.

So, where did you learn this?

Never mind. I don't wanna know.

(SQUEALS)

RANDY: Oh! Oh, by the way, the husbands?

Their wives did show up to bail them out.

Claude and Monica.

They decided to forget the whole thing.

Joyce and Reed.

They weren't going to forget anything.

(LAUGHS)

But they decided to make up anyway.

Kyoko was gonna bail out Harry, but then it hit her,

why ruin a good thing?

Hey! Get your hands off of me, you!

I wanna talk to my wife!