Original subtitles

Don't anyone leave this theater!

The royal Romanoff Diamonds are missing!

I am Sam Grunion, Private Eye, at your service.

Secrecy is my motto; I never tell.

You would know from seeing my business card - there's nothing on it.

I am the same Sam Grunion who solved the uranium mining swindle.

Scotland Yard was baffled, the FBI was baffled,

They sent for me and the case was solved immediately.

I confessed.

The Romanaff diamonds still missing are valued at one million dollars.

For eleven years I've trailed them.

Through the Khyber Pass, over the Pyrenees.

Round the Cape of Good Hope and in the Gimbels basement.

From Gimbels basement the trail lead me to a group

of struggling young actors trying to put on a show.

Did diamonds bring them luck? Money? Hardly.

Once again this repeated the same pattern.

A story of danger, cruelty, violence, murder!

By the way, what do you think the story was called?

Love Happy!

That's Mike Johnson.

Interesting dance, isn't it?

He landed it fighting off bill collectors.

That's Maggie Philips, she's in love with Mike.

She's a dancer too. But it's hard to tell when she's sitting down.

This is Maggie's best friend, Bunny Dolan.

She invested her last 300 dollars in the show.

It looks like a cold winter ahead, so she's knitting herself an electric blanket.

Is there a band-aid in the house?

These love-happy kids who were struggling for success had two things in common.

They were under-financed, and under-nourished.

Today they had already missed breakfast and their hopes for lunch are pinned on one man.

Harpo, the strolling delicatessen.

Here he is - shopping.

Looks like a classy store, doesn't it?

Well, on the front they specialize in hot delicacies

And on the back they specialize in hot diamonds.

Bless you, my man, bless you.

Thank you very much.

Quiet, little darling.

Madame Egelichi, you are just in time. The sardines have arrived.

Relax, and wipe that smirk off your face. There are policemen around.

Yes, ma'm.

- We shall wait in your office. - Yes, ma'm.

Thank you.

It's alright, just leave it there.

- Will you sign here. - Thank you, boys, thank you.

At last. At last.

You little darling, you're here.

- Is the paraffin jelly in yet? - Arriving Wednesday, on Queen Mary.

- I have it. I have it! - Quiet, Lefty.

- It's in the third crate marked on the back of... - I said, quiet!

I want to enjoy this moment.

I have gone through a great deal.

How many commissars did I marry, Alphonse?

Five, Madame Egelichi.

- There were three more, were there not? - Yes, the Grand Duke and the two Ambassadors.

Eight weddings in three months...

before I could track down the royal Romanoff necklace...

and its trail from bridegroom to bridegroom.

And now, the jewels are finally in my possession.

If you please, Lefty.

The Royal Romanoff necklace!

One million dollars in matchless diamonds!

I have out-done even myself.

- There is something wrong, Lefty. - Wrong? Not possible.

- This is not the right can! - But Madame, it is the right one.

- Where is the can with the Maltese cross on it? - But Madame, your holding it!

This can has no Maltese cross on it.

It can't be! The cross was on it, I kissed it! It must have rubbed off.

It was put on with special adhesive paint.

A generation of rubbing could not have removed it.

Mr. Throckmorton? May I present the Zoto brothers.

Their speciality is taking care of people I do not like!

Oh, no, no, the diamonds are in here.

Those hardly look like the Royal Romanoff diamonds, Lefty!

You may proceed, gentlemen.

Eight marriages, wasted. The other leg, Hannibal.

I'm afraid you'll have to stop. I cannot concentrate.

You're wasting your time. He is too feeble to try to deceive me.

Revive him.

I can't understand, I can't understand.

Quiet!

- Who was present when you found it? - No one, the door was locked...

Wait! There was someone! A strange looking creature.

Looked more like a tramp than a truck man.

You will call the police.

Inform them, that the bushy haired shoplifter has stolen valuable products.

Give them a full description.

Offer 1000 dollars reward for his capture.

Have all the suspects brought to my apartment, one at a time.

Police head quarters, please.

Here's another Broadway hopeful - Faustino the Great.

For 20 years he was an organ grinder with a monkey.

And one day the monkey went on strike.

He wanted shorter hours and longer bananas.

Now Faustino is a mind reader. If he only had a mind.

Okay kids, take five minutes.

- Excuse me, are you Mike Johnson? - What do you want?

- I'm looking for a job. - Wrong number, I'm all cast.

You're missing a big bit. Somebody told me you're putting on a show with unknowns.

You're hiring people that's never been heard of.

Well I'm the most unknown and unheard of actor that has ever been on Broadway.

- What's your name? - Faustino the Great. You've never heard of me?

- No. - What did I tell you?

- What are you unknown for? - I don't like to bragg...

...but the thing I'm most unknown for is mind reading.

I give you an illustration. You're thinking of something.

- Right so far.

You think of a nice, juicy steak with frensh fried potatoes.

- The exit is over there. - You do not want a mind reader?

- What else do you want, maybe a juggler? - No juggler!

Maybe an usher? I bring my own flash light.

- Hello, Lyons. -Mr. Lyons, so glad to see you.

- You're looking wonderful. - Yeah, you sure are.

Mr. Yorkman was supposed to be here at ten o'clock. It's 11:30.

Don't worry partner, he'll show.

Don't tell me not to worry, and please don't call me partner.

I'm removing all my costumes and scenery, as of now.

The man's mad! Pulling out of the biggest Broadway smash since "Showboat".

Don't tell about smashes. Mr. Yorkman was going to write the show, check?

- I told you excactly what he told me. - Well, he ain't here, check?

OK, now we come to the next step. Either Mr. Yorkman or 1100 dollars --

-- or I move the stuff off the stage, as of now.

- Hey, wait a minute. - Excuse me, are you Mr. Lyons?

- That's right. - It's lucky I meet you!

- I just talked to Max Yorkman in the office. - Are you a friend of Mr. Yorkman?

Friend? Max and I are just like that! Two heads on the same neck!

- Well, I'm glad to meet you. - You know Max said to me: You want a job?

Go see Mike Johnson. I'm backing that show, he'll give you a job.

- That's what he said, Mr. Johnson. - That's good enough for me.

- He's backing the show you said? - Would I be here if he didn't?

I've been trying to get Mr. Yorkman on the phone to find out.

Ah, you don't have to bother with the Max no more. Just talk to me.

- Ok. Maybe I was a little hasty about moving the stuff. - Ah, it's only natural.

You can't trust nobody in show business.

- Maybe he really knows Mr. Yorkman? - It a boogie ride. The whole show is.

- Am I hired? - Yes!

That's a-fine! Thanks! How much do you pay me?

That kind of talk's gonna get you nowhere.

- Nobody on this show gets paid. - No until we open and click.

That's alright. I just was thinking out loud. I'm a-no ham.

Ham! Something has happened. It's lunch time and he isn't here!

- Who isn't here? - Harpo.

Hey, Jim! Have you seen any funny faced tramps, with bushy hair?

Yeah, there a 1000 dollar reward.

Harpo! Everybody's been waiting. You're late with the food.

Thank you, thank you. Sardines?

Portuguese, skinless, eyeless sardines?

What cruelty, what barbary!

I thank you, no sir! Keep your sardines!

Hello! You got a-something for me?

You want I should read your mind again? Alright, start thinking.

You think of the same thing as yesterday. And the day before.

That's the only thought you've got.

You're in love.

A beautiful girl is gonna smile at you.

That's the only thing you want, a beautiful girl is gonna smile at you.

Alright, stop thinking now. What a-you got for me?

I no wanna sardines. You promissed me something special.

Ice cream. Tootsie-fruitsie ice cream.

A royal feast! My Robin Hood has struck again.

I'll have these tomorrow.

Places! On stage, you're next. Bunny Dolan, next number.

Rehearsal!

I'm sorry. Thank you for your work, but this creature is not the man. Better luck next time.

The wrong one again. We'll have to increase the award.

Answer it.

Wait till I lay my hands on that thief, I promiss he'll regret he was ever born.

I picked him up on the street, have a look to see if he's your man.

Bushy hair and funny face the sergeant told me.

Yes. Excuse me, I'll be back in a moment.

- That's the one. - Are you certain?

He's our man, I tell you. What do we do?

- So nice of you to take this trouble, officer. - No trouble at all, m'am.

- Is he the man you're looking for? - No, there is a resemblance, nothing more.

- OK, beat it! - No, don't send him away like that.

The poor man looks miserable and without a friend.

And so intelligent. I'd like to do something for him.

Would you mind leaving him here, officer?

I'd be careful if I were you. You can't trust characters like him.

Oh, but he looks so harmless and hungry. Please, officer.

Okay, Madame, we'll be keeping up the search.

- You crummy little worthless... - Mr. Throckmorton!

I must ask you to leave.

She's giving him the whammy!

I am Madame Egelichi.

I've been looking for you for a long time.

Because I think you may have something for me.

Alphonse! Hannibal! Search him.

Alphonse, Hannibal! You will wait in the other room.

I say it will be more comfortable alone, don't you?

I like you...

I like you very much.

I don't want you to be lonesome and miserable.

I want to ask you a few questions.

A few personal questions.

But you mustn't lie to me.

I do not like it when poeple lie to me.

I get offended.

Alphonse, Hannibal! This creature won't talk.

- There are ways of making him talk. - I give the orders here.

- You little devil! - Stop that!

What did you do with the sardine cans? Answer me.

Oh! Take him away.

Give him everything.

And when she says everything, she means everything.

For who knows better than I about Madame Egelichi.

Disguised as Count Negulescu, I tussled with her in Bukarest.

And as Angus McTamish I tussled with her in Glaskow.

Finally, as Ali bin Pascha...

I tussled with her...

Well, it was too hot to tussle so we went swimming.

Meanwhile, Faustino had kept the show alive by keeping Lyons happy.

He offered him all kinds of tempting inducements.

A dozen harmonicas.

A solid mahogany lime table.

A sterling silver trash basket.

A set of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

But Lyons was not a dope. He selected the blonde on the end.

When Faustino told him the blonde was married, Lyons was angry.

He said if he didn't get the money in the morning, he'd close the show.

Meanwhile, the cast went on with dress rehearsal.

Unaware of the troubles ahead.

Alright kids, lets get ready for the Sadie Thompson number.

And don't forget. You're on an island and you haven't seen a dame in months.

- So look hungry. - Look hungry! Are you kidding?

OK Jim, put it on! Lets go!

That was fine, Maggie. Now go change into your ballet costume.

Now Madame Egelichi, wearing the pants of the dreaded Catwoman,

was desperately trying to make Harpo talk.

First came the Hungarian rope torture.

Six hours Harpo sat in a chair, smoking rope.

And four hours on the hideous rack.

Original from the workshop of the fiendish Ferdinand von Krakowich of Monte Carlo.

Place your bets, place your bets!

And then for eight hours another little appliance designed by the same Ferdinand.

The Krakowich fresher washer.

With this machine, you can wash your underware without taking them off!

When Harpo wouldn't talk, Madame Egelichi decided to take things in her own hands.

That meant only one thing, her own speciality. The insidious food and water torture.

- Has he spoke yet? - Not a word. - The water? - Still dripping.

- Has he slept? - Not a wink. - Eaten? - Not a dash.

Three days without breaking. It's rather unusual.

After I've finished eating bring him in, and we will give him the apple test.

You refuse to speak.

We shall continue firing until you tell us about a certain can of sardines.

Fire!

Put that apple back on your head!

Nothing must happen to him. He's the only one that can lead us to the sardine can.

- The gun isn't loaded, Alphonse? - No, Madame. It is empty.

He hasn't the nerve. He won't shoot.

- There were only four bullets? - Yes, Madame.

Grab him, the gun is empty.

We've been fooled.

He can speak. No, no. Let him talk.

You gotta no heart! They wanna sing, they wanna dance.

What-a you say? Stop the music!

Who's you? Tuscanini?

- Harpo?

Some sort of code.

Mr. Lyons, stop the noice. Stop the moving. It's Harpo.

- Where is he? - Ssh, I'm reading his mind.

Clear your head. You talk too fast, clear your head.

That's better.

He's a-having a party. Everybody is hitting him with apples.

It's-a lot of fun, eh?

What-a you think? A beautiful woman is in love with him.

For sardines.

What? You don't say!

It's a beautiful woman wants to marry him!

How much-a money she's got?

Tell her to come to the Windsor Theater. We've got lots of sardines here.

Lefty! They're at the Windsor Theater.

He says she's a rich woman.

Stop thinking, we're in trouble. Listen!

You bring her to the theater right away, in half an hour. Hurry up!

Alphonse, Hannibal!

Everything is fine. Harpo's bringing a bride with lotsa money.

- I ain't falling for anymore stunts. - It's a-no stunt!

It's love! She's bringing the money!

Boys! Keep moving the stuff out.

- Hey, are you a musician? - Well, I used to play.

I knew it the first moment I looked at you.

I say to myself, this Mr. Lyons has something inside.

Something from the heart. What kind of music do you like?

- I like gypsy music. - I like-a gypsy music too!

Everybody, stop the moving! Mr. Lyons, he's a-gonna play!

- Do you know "Play, gypsy, play"? - No.

- Do you know "Gypsy Serenade"? - No.

- What do you know? - "Gypsy Love Song".

- Yes, but I only know the chorus. - That's alright. I play and you follow me.

- OK, you play and I noodle around. - What do you mean by "noodling"?

- Like this:

That's good! You noodle on that, I macaroni on this.

Now look. I know you wanna make a good impression, but don't play better than me.

Are we playing the same thing?

A-ha! One too much!

That's very good. Now we try the chorus. But the chorus we play Pianissimo.

- You know what Pianissimo is? - No.

- How long you study music? - 15 years.

15. You know, two more years and you could've been a plummer.

Never mind, I make it simple. We gonna play Alegro Pizzicato.

That's what you call a high class. You know Alegro Pizzicato?

- No. - You know Jimmy Pizzicato?

- No. - None of the Pizzicatos. What do you know?

- I know Pistacchio... - Pistacchio! We play it!

Very good! Very good!

Now we play one more chorus.

Well, boys and girls. I've got a little sad news for you.

Our show isn't opening. We're closing tonight.

Without a shot on Broadway. Mr. Max Yorkman, who promissed --

to underwrite our production, has seen fit to remain invisible,

together with his bankroll. Mr. Lyons, a man of small faith, --

is therefore removing the scenery and costumes from the production.

Mr. Johnson, may I suggest that we do what all actors have done since Shakespeare:

Perform without scenery or costumes or salary!

Sorry. I can't go on with that kind of a show.

Curtain's down, school's out.

Better luck next time.

I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, but Mr. Lyons said to take everything.

- Well, go ahead, say it. - I wasn't going to say anything.

You don't have to put it to words, baby, it's sticking out of your eyes.

I'm yellow, no guts.

- Not at all, Mike, you're just what you are. - What's that?

A very nice, sweet, sensitive man, who does not belong in showbusiness.

- Thanks. - Here. Have some good, hot coffee.

And discuss your next carrier. An orange stand would be interesting, would'nt it?

You'd look stunning in an apron, surrounded by nice, yellow oranges.

- Here, have some sardines. - I don't want any sardines.

I'm not throwing a bare turkey on the stage. I'm quitting, Maggie.

And don't stand waving a flag, saying the show must go on.

- So relax, it's over. - No, it isn't over!

We're going to open without scenery, without costumes. Just with talanted people.

- We could open and knock 'em dead! - Lets get something to eat and celebrate!

- What's there to celebrate? - Today's your birthday.

Don't change the subject. Listen Mike, we've got a great show here and...

- What do you think life is, a fairy tale? - Yes. It is.

Fairy tales! Sardines!

What do you want?

Could you tell where to find Mr. Michael Johnson?

You're speaking to the gentleman in person.

Oh, how wonderful, you are really Mr. Johnson?

- What can I do for you? - Oh, Mr. Johnson, so much!

- You mean on the show? - You have a place for me, I'm sure.

- Too bad, Miss... - I am Madame Egelichi.

Mr. Johnson, you must have a place for me.

- Not any more. - Because of a bankroll - we haven't got.

What I'm trying to say --

-- is that we're folding our show. Calling it a day.

Better luck next time, Madame Egelichi.

You mean to say that the show is not opening?

How much money do you need, Mr. Johnson?

- A loan from Congress would help. - Mr. Johnson, I am serious.

- I will supply the money. - What kind of roles do you want?

Oh, no, not for myself.

I am in love with the theater. I can see you have talent.

Great talent! And the show must go on!

- Hallelujah! - This is over my head, Mike.

- What's going on? - It's simple. Didn't you say life was a fairy tale?

Here's our fairy godmother, with a wand!

And what a wand. Madame Egelichi, I need 1100 dollars to raise the curtain.

- You're not kidding, are you? - Shall we go to your office, Mr. Johnson?

- Lets go! - You are going to make me so happy.

- He's taking a long time for a business deal. - He'll be back.

- Don't be a fool, lets go! - Sorry Bunny, I promissed.

I told you to never eat your dinner in this room!

Cheer up honey. Maybe he's breaking your heart to make a better actress out of you.

Baby, we're opening! Lyons is bringing back the scenery and costumes.

- How wonderful. - Yes, she is wonderful. She liked all my ideas.

- She's a real show woman. - You can tell me at dinner.

Oh, I almost forgot. You'd better start without me tonight.

Rita and I still have things to discuss and... ...but baby, I know it's your birthday --

-- but this is important. Now cheer up! Everything looks wonderful.

It would look better if you wiped the rouge of your mouth!

Don't get any ideas, honey. I got so excited when I saw the money I just had to kiss somebody.

I better run, see you tomorrow. Happy birthday!

- Do you want all these cans open? - Yes.

- But what shall I do with them? - In the alley.

- You like-a sardines? - Yes.

- Have you got any? - No, but something better.

I've got something worth a million dollars to you. Love!

It come to me like a flash!

The first moment I see you. It's a-what they call love at first look!

It's-a kind of love that 's never going to die.

- Would you do something for me? - Anything! I climb the highest mountain!

Down and up, up and down! I put my arm into the fire. Up to here, for you!

Go and get as many sardine cans you can find.

Sardines? That's nothing! I'm gonna cover you in sardines!

That's how much I love you. Watch my smoke!

Darling!

My favorite pets are cats. I collect them.

Madame Egelishi, at last our search is over. Here is the can.

Where is the neclace?

In here. He ate the sardines and swallowed it. I'm sure of it.

- That's impossible! - I'll examine him at once.

I no get-a you sardines. I get-a you something better!

- Anchovies! - I have no use for them.

Maybe you like kippered herring? Smelts? A smoked pike bit? I get you any kind of fish you like.

I love you!

Go away!

Go away! I'm sure your new partner is more important than I am.

Oh, I thought that...

So this is where you live, isn't it Harpo?

It must be wonderful to be like you, Harpo.

To live alone. That is, you don't need other people.

You don't depend on them. Never get hurt.

Oh Harpo, you're wonderful.

Harpo, I've got an idea. I've been a fool.

Letting my heart stand in my way. But it is not too late.

He'll still give me the part. Tomorrow morning. Mr. Hammerstein.

Can you imagine me in a Broadway production. A star!

A real star! And I'll work.

No more Nickel Romeos for me. I'll work, and keep going, and get famous.

We will be rich together.

Harpo, you'll be with me, because you've always loved me.

I have no one except you. And you'll be my manager, too.

We'll be famous! We'll scale to heights of Broadway together!

A star and her manager!

We'll be important people, Harpo.

You'll be the most influential manager on the Great White Way.

You'll have a whole suite of offices.

And a great big shining mahogany desk.

You'll be just as famous as me, Harpo.

Everyone will come to your office.

And call you on the phone. All the great stars, and writers and producers --

-- will beg you to help them.

And you'll audition all the great singers and dancers.

They will want advice - about new plays.

Begging to work in your productions - our productions.

And you'll be rich and important, Harpo. You and I, both.

We'll have everything we've ever dreamed of. Everything!

Sorry, Harpo.

I'm afraid everything isn't very much, without that rotten, hollow Mike Johnson.

On my birthday, too.

He had to do it on my birthday.

He said he knew it was.

I hope I never... have another birthday!

Oh, Harpo.

What would I do without you?

You've made this the nicest birthday I've ever had.

At last the show was opening.

When Mackinaw, my faithful operator, reported that Madame Egelichi --

-- had put money on the show, I knew the crises was at hand.

Now I was close to what I had been trailing all these years --

Madame Egelich... I mean the diamonds.

Immediately, I started for the theater. Incognito of course.

Mackinaw, you already have a full account of the case,

-- and in the evening, you might have the solution.

For when the curtain rises, Madame Egelichi will be in the front box,

-- and sitting next to her, will be Count Bouillabaisse --

-- but if you take away the count's silk hat, his opera cloak, and his full dress suit, --

-- you'll have me, shivering in my underwear.

Come on, Mackinow, --

We'll be just in time to be fashionably late.

- Good evening. - I'm Ivan.

Well, on Federal you can always change it to Tom, Dick or Harry, they get their own luck.

Come, Mackinaw.

Hey, that's not my suit you're pulling.

Give me the diamond necklace!

We've only just met and already he's asking me for things.

I'm from the Romanoffs. To recover the diamonds --

-- we pay you 100 thousand Zlotys.

Salotties! Did you ever try to spend a salotti in this country?

The diamonds! -- or in one hour you die.

Oh, yes Mackinaw. Allow me to introduce you to the man who's going to kill me.

At the sound of the next musical note the end of my life --

-- will be brought to you by the Boulevard Sand Company.

Is your watch running fast, do you want me to drop a little sand in it?

Two more grains of sand before you will die.

I think I'm ready.

Don't hurry. I've got plenty of time.

I hope you're not going through all that trouble for me.

I've used an electric razor for years.

This will never do. I've got a hide like an elephant.

By the way, have you ever tried to hide an elephant?

- You will be dead in five minutes. - For your information, --

-- my doctor gave me three years to live, and I don't intend to make a fool out of him.

Come in!

Is there anything I can do for you? What a ridiculous statement.

Mr. Grunion, I want you to help me.

I have a little sand left. What seems to be the trouble?

- Some men are following me. - Really?

I can't understand why.

- I advice you to leave. - I take her down to the bus station.

Oh, if I'm not back tonight, go ahead without me.

That's been the history of all my romances.

Madame Egelichi.

The x-rays of the cat, Madame.

- I see nothing. - I know. I can't understand it.

- Report to the Zoto brothers, immediately. - Yes, Madame.

Curtain time, five minutes.

- Alright, I'm a heel. - That's not news.

Could you love a heel that's been repaired?

I came back last night to get you, ten minutes after you left.

- You did? - Yes, with a clean face.

- What's all that? - Harpo gave it to me.

I thought it might improve the costume.

No. Too phoney.

Tomorrow, if we're not stoned to death by the mob --

-- I'll get you a real gem - for the proper finger.

Mike!

Faustino! Get ready, you're on in two minutes!

I'll be ready, I'll be ready.

- We want the diamonds! - You were wearing them.

- Oh, no! - Where are they?

She never will talk.

- She'll talk to Madame Egelichi. - Or there will be murder!

Maggie... What's going on here!

Let go of her!

Lets search the place before we take her away.

What do want? I should read your mind?

I'm to busy now, the show is gonna start.

You're too excited, I can't read your mind.

Alright, I read your mind. What's on your mind?

It's a dame. All the time you got a dame on your mind.

It's no dame. It's a nice girl.

What about the nice girl?

That's what you call a nice girl? You're crazy!

That's a dog! A dog? What about the dog?

Big dog?

A police dog? A big, big dog?

A Saint Bernardo? Even bigger dog?

A Great Dane?

What about a Great Dane?

Great Dane got a dimple? Great Dane got whiskers?

That's-a my jaw! Great Dane - Jaw.

Great Dane - Jaw. Great Dane - Jaw.

Great Dane - Jaw...

Great danger!

Who's in great danger?

I can't read your hand, I can only read your mind.

That's a billy goat.

That's Jolson. Singing "Mammy" - Mammy!

Mammy! Mammy?

Ma - Ma -

Ma - what?

You open the door? With a key?

Ma - key.

Ma - key. Ma - key.

Maggie! Oh, Maggie is in great danger.

Oh, smart, eh? Catch on very quick.

Maggie's in great danger. Who's after Maggie?

That's a bird. A seagull? A bigger bird?

A turkey bird? A big, big bird? A stool pigeon?

That's Yankee Doodle. A Yankee Doodle bird?

That's the flag. On top of the flag.

That's an eagle! An eagle, an eagle.

What about the eagle? Eagle scratch? Eagle tickle?

Eagle got flees? Eagle nervous?

Ah, stop, you're making me itchi! Itchi?

Eagle - itchi. Eagle - itchi ...

Egelichi! Egelichi.

What's Egelichi gonna do to Maggie?

It's a horse. A horse run away with Maggie?

Horse will fall down on Maggie?

That's a hammer and nail. No hammer?

A nail! A big nail?

A little nail. A little bitsy nail.

Little, little - tack, a tack!

Wet tack? Wet tack?

Wet tack? Wet tack?

Horse - wet tack, horse - wet tack...

Horse - wet track, horse wet track. Mudder!

Mudder, mudder...

A mudder, a mudder, a mudder...

Murder! It's a murder!

Egelichi's gonna murder Maggie! Come on, lets go!

Good luck, honey! Thanks, Jim!

-- all about the diamonds or we'll murder you!

Hey, what diamonds? Who's got diamonds?

What a-we do? What we gonna do?

Alright girls, come on! Get in line and look pretty.

Now remember, this is opening night.

Lets hear those lines. Put a little heart into it.

Perfume from Hindustan!

Oil from Arabia!

Diamonds from Africa!

We'll take you to the hotel.

- But there's a show on! - We're not interested.

We'll keep you there until she accounts for where she hid the diamonds.

Don't take her away, I confess! I got the diamonds, I find them.

- Where are they? - Right here, but I no give them to you!

- Hit it Harpo! - Quickly, chase them!

Harpo, this way!

Help me hold the door!

They got to keep chasing us. When they find out we don't have the real diamonds --

they're gonna stop the show, kill Maggie.

And I got to get back to the show. Hurry, you go!

Find him! What's the matter with you two?

He was right here! Where did he go?

Beautiful, beautiful, go take your bow!

I got no time. I got to give them the diamonds. The real ones!

- Who's got diamonds? - Me, look!

I save Harpo! I save the show! I'm the hero, nobody else!

Hey! Hey, I got them!

Hey! Leave Harpo alone!

Here's the real diamonds. Look, look!

The odds were a thousand to one that I wouldn't make it.

Here I was, back on the trail.

At the risk of death I fearlessly scrutinized every --

-- hiding place.

Ah, Madame Egelichi! Don't you remember me?

Yes, I do!

- No, I mean before that. - Grunion, I'm warning you --

This time, I'm going to get the diamonds, and nothing is going to stop me.

Oh no, I'm not going to follow you and get shot.

If I was half-shot I'd follow you.

I'll take those.

- Give me those diamonds you fool! - You want the diamonds?

Sure, I give it to you. Now, what you gonna give me?

- That's not what I want. - Where are they?

- The real ones! - Those are the real ones.

Harpo, he's a gotta the fakes.

He's out there!

There he is again!

- Where is he? - He was standing right there!

- That's what I saw! - You two are idiots!

- There he is! - After him! - Get him!

Where is he?

- Right there! - Alphonse! - Throw the rope!

Good work, my man! I was just about the enter the battle myself.

From now on, I'm gonna take care of you.

You've got the axe, of course?

I'm in complete command of the situation.

I didn't see a thing, all of the window shades were down.

Search him!

Oh, no, I'm not gonna get into that.

If this was a French picture I could do it.

I'll search him myself.

No, the diamonds have kept us apart to long.

I'll tackle him single handed.

I'd kill anyone who's got those diamonds.

Grunion, darling!

Careful, you're sensing my coat.

I don't care about the diamonds. All I really want is you.

- So, you finally fell for me, eh? - Yes.

This is the sweetest moment of my life. Come my darling!

Goodbye old man, it was nice knowing you.

Please, you're tickling my change pocket!

Oh my darling, lets get away together just you and I. What fun we'll have!

We'll stop at the Riviera, Monte Carlo, Rio de Janeiro...

Yeah, but first we'll stop at the unemployment insurance office to pick up my check.

And that's how the long search ended.

With the diamonds in the hands of a happy-go-lucky clown who disappeared with them.

Never realising their true value.

Anyway that was six cases ago.

Right now I'm following the trail of counterfeiting cut-throats.

And I've tracked the down to Akoudjimanplane in Istanbul.

Answer that, my man!

I'm busy.

Gin, eh?

10, 30, 40, 47, 50, 60 --

Fine assistant...

I hope they're not playing for money.

Yes!

Yes, dear. Yes, I'll be home, dear.

No, I wont be late, dear, six o'clock, right on the dot.

Yes, dear. Goodbye, dear.

My wife.

Formerly, Madame Egelichi...