All language subtitles for Krippendorfs Tribe 1998

I've been away for so long
that I wonder

if the sound of the drum
still has its power

I've been away for so long
that I wonder

if the sound of the drum
still has its power

fa, fa, fa, fa, fa

I've been away for so long
that I wonder

fa, fa, fa, fa, fa

if the sound of the drum
still has its power

fa, fa, fa, fa, fa

I've been away for so long
that I wonder

fa, fa, fa, fa, fa

if the sound of the drum
still has its power

fa, fa, fa, fa, fa

I've been away for so long
that I wonder

fa, fa, fa, fa, fa

if the sound of the drum
still has its power

fa, fa, fa, fa, fa

I've been away for so long
that I wonder

fa, fa, fa, fa, fa

if the sound of the drum
still has its power

the sound of the drum
still has its power

the sound of the drum
still has its power

the sound of the drum
still has its power

the sound of the drum
still has its power

the sound of the drum
still has its power

the sound of the drum still
has its power hey, hey

the sound of the drum
still has its power

give this to your mother.

She's the one
without the penis sheath.

Wow. Thank you, darling.
Welcome.

The sound of the drum
still has its power¶

What's up?

Hey, Mickey, Mickey, wait up.

Hey, hey, sulukim!

Hey, hey, hey, you look great.

Sulukim, hamamass.

Hamamass. Thank you. Hamamass.

Papa sulukim!

Shelly!

Yes, let's all go to the party.

No, sulukim, it's a lost tribe.

We wanna find them. We need
you to guide us. No get.

Jennifer,
you explain it to them.

Okay.

No, no, no, no get.

[ Static ]

- Hi.
- Aaah! Oh! Oh! What the hell are you doing?

Dad, my hamster died.

Oh. Oh.

I'm sorry.

Well, um, why don't I take you
to the pet shop after school...

And get you another one, okay?

I don't want another hamster.

I know.

I know.

I know, Mick.

You want Dr. Leakey back.

Actually, I'd rather
have a dog.

What was I thinking?

What... oh, jeez!
Is that a "yes"?

Eddie, Shelly, come on,
come on, come on, wake up!

Come on, we're late!

You're late. We're fine.

Hey, Eddie.

How's my favorite
five-year-old, huh?

Nothing. Great, great.
Nice talkin' to ya.

We'll do it again real soon.

Whoever it is, I'm not home.
Hello?

Ah!

Uh-huh. April 3? How
does that help me?

The year! I need a year.

Dad, it's Mr. Schramm
from the bank again.

Tell him I died.

He said he's dead. What
do you mean, dead...

Mickey, put on this shirt.

It smells.

Oh.

This smells too.
Only it smells like you.

Hmm.

Professor krippendorf? Hello!

Professor krippendorf.

Professor krippendorf.

What do you want for lunch?
Cash.

Come on, Eddie.
Let's go get your shoes.

Whee-ee!

Professor krippendorf.

I'm sorry. I rang the doorbell a bunch
of times, but no one answered the door.

- Excuse me.
- I'm Veronica micelli from bounderbee university.

- I was in your graduate studies seminar.
- I am very busy here.

May I say something? What?

You're the reason
I became an anthropologist.

You are an anthropologist?
Yeah, I'm on the faculty now.

We are colleagues.
Isn't that amazing?

Thrilling. I know.

Can I ask you a question?
Of course.

What are you doing here? Shouldn't the
What are you doing here?

One of the greatest anthropological
minds of our time.

A mind that has now discovered a
lost civilization that no one...

what are you doing here?
That's what I think.

Because you should be up there!

Yeah. Up there...

With all the other great minds
that are already up there.

Professor krippendorf, I want to
join your team. And you will.

I will? Team krippendorf.

And you're the captain. Okay, there'll
be a newsletter. Thank you so much.

You know, I was such a big fan
of your late wife's.

And she, you. Yes.

Well, it's great to have you on board.
Really, really.

We're all looking forward to it.
Thanks for stopp...

okay, but what about tonight?

Well, tonight... well, I'm very
flattered but I have to wash my hair.

I mean the lecture.
The lecture?

Oh, you're giving a lecture. That's great.
You're gonna be wonderful. Drive carefully.

Oh, Professor, it's your lecture.
Excuse me?

Tonight, on the undiscovered
tribe of new Guinea.

That's tonight? Mm, at 7:30.

Didn't you get my fax?

Professor, are you all right?
Yeah.

You are ready, aren't you?
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm ready.

What were you saying about a fax?
I-I don't see any...

uh, yeah, I sent you
several faxes.

Well, there doesn't
seem to be any fax.

I'm not finding any... oh!

There's, uh... see? Right here.

"Proxmire
foundation staff and money..."

yeah, that's a fax.
"Lecture, Monday..."

on the lost tribe
that you found.

Well, if I told you I lost them
again, could I get an extension?

Oh, Professor.

Professor krippendorf!
Excuse me.

Professor krippendorf, look!
Hoo-ha, hoo-ha, hoo-ha, doktahichi.

Hoo-ha, hoo-ha, hoo-ha, doktahichi.
Oh, Mickey!

Hoo-ha, hoo-ha... what
are you doing up there?

I'm giving Dr. Leakey
a gotonta tree burial.

It's my project
for the science fair.

Hoo-ha, hoo-ha, hoo-ha,
doktahichi.

Mickey, get down from there.

It's alive! It's alive!

Mickey! I wanted to shoot a
burial, you stupid hamster.

Mickey, stop! Get back here!

Oh, for crying out loud, Mickey!
I think I'll be going now.

- Do you hear me?
- So sorry to interrupt, but the bus is here.

All right, all right. I wanted
a dog, you stupid hamster!

Mickey, put the rake down
and get on the bus.

You can finish killing your pet
when you get home.

Put the rake down. There we go.
Give me the camera!

Have a good day, kids!
Make me proud.

Come home different.
What is wrong with you?

So what can I do to help you?
Not a thing.

I'm a whiz with data entry.
Under control.

Proofreading? Nope, nope, nope.

Okay, should you need anything at all,
look, I wrote down my home number,

and that's my fax number,
and that's my cel phone.

You're too kind.

Please. I feel we share a common
goal with this. Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Beeper! Thank... you.

Okay.

Thank you! Okay.

Mmm, good? Mmm, good.

No, no, that's enough. No more. You
know what fruit does to you. I said no.

Mmm. Mm. Oh.

Hey, Professor
krippendorf, nice to see you back.

Well, I guess you can
come home again.

Ruth.

Popo. How are you?

He's a little flatulent today.

Oh, that was him.

Oh, James, you've always
had such a way with toilet humor.

Which reminds me, I'm so looking
forward to tonight's lecture.

Are you? You know, I've
always wanted to ask you,

did Jennifer write this
grant proposal, or did you?

Why do you ask?

Well, Jennifer, as we all know, was
brilliant, but this proposal is so vague,

so insubstantial,

so... you.

How are you?

I'm fine, Ruth. Thank
you so much for asking.

I'm so glad to hear that. I'm not
gonna wish you luck tonight...

Because I know
you don't need it.

I'll say a little prayer instead.

I have... nothing!

Come on, man! Hey, wait up!

Children,
your biological father is here.

- You're late.
- Oh, see ya!

Oh, why don't the
children spend the night here?

Are you serious? Again?
Sounds like a no.

Open. Go, go, go! What are you trying
to do, turn the children against us?

Yes, Irene, it's part of
my master plan. Shelly.

How you managed to drag our daughter
to those squalid jungles...

Still remains a mystery to me.

He didn't have to drag her. My mother
was an eminent anthropologist.

Thank you. And whatever her
reasons for marrying dad were,

we'll never know. I think.

But no one ever
dragged mom anywhere.

Angry.

Ooh.

Can I help the next
person in line please?

Nine-piece mcnugget, please.

What?

Isn't it a little bit late
to be writing your speech now?

I'm polishing. Want it?
Want it? Come get it.

Come on, you poor baby.
Come on. You jerk.

You wanna get it? Son of a...
oh, just...

way to go, Edmund.
What is this?

It's what's left of that stupid space
shuttle bank you bought him in Orlando.

He put it in the blender. It's a piece of crap.
All right, settle down.

Settle down! Loser!

What a bunch of savages.

Ow. I have an idea.

All right, come on. Settle up...
down. Now listen.

Why don't we...
why don't we... wait.

Why don't we, um, do what
normal families do, okay?

They sit around the dinner table
and they tell stories.

Huh? What do you think? Oh, it's fabulous.
Party time.

W-what kind of stories?

Stories. Golly.

You know, like about one of our
trips to new Guinea together.

And why's that?

And boys, let's try to be
as detailed as possible.

Edmund?

No, no, talk to me.
Talk to your dad.

Talk to me for once.

Everything was green
and beautiful.

Then mom died.

Jimmy, can you
drop some fries, please?

That was a good idea.

Get back here, you loser!

Mickey. Gotcha.

Get off him. Come on!

Get inside. Get up the steps.
Get inside.

I'm sick of this.
Hey-hey, hey-hey, hey.

I spoke to him this morning...
oh, excuse me.

Uh, Professor krippendorf.
Oh, tinker bell.

Hello. Listen, I've been
trying to call you all day...

Because I have these great publicity ideas
that I wanted to talk to you about.

I would rather that you didn't.

As a matter of fact, I would
rather that you back off.

Excuse me. I, uh...

Thank you, God.

Good evening. Gentlemen.

My name
is Professor krippendorf.

Uh, Professor. I'm here to begin the...
what, what, what?

Your lecture's across the hall.

Excuse me.

Come on.

Get in there and behave yourself.
Lecture's in here.

Quiet. Come on. Come on, come on.
I'm sick of this.

Right this way. Come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Gerald.

That's krippendorf.
Krippendorf.

James! Professor krippendorf.
Look, everybody.

Gerald, I have something important
to tell you. What, now?

James, what the hell's wrong with you?
Are you nervous?

Gerald. Don't you see
the crowd out there?

I'm telling ya, this is hot.

Let me ask you a question,
Gerald.

How long have we known
each other? Twenty years.

Charlie farrick's office. As soon as we
finish sprucing it up, it's yours, all yours.

Good. Uh, you see,
the thing is,

uh, after Jennifer died,
I kinda cracked up.

You know, if it was just me...
farrick's going to jail.

Uh, jail? Yeah.

Charlie farrick
is going to jail?

Can you believe the son of a
bitch was robbing us blind?

He was? Oh, yeah.

He stole. He stole grant
money for personal use.

He did? Oh, yeah, and he
never even did the research.

I'm talkin' about
New York hotels,

Broadway plays,
flowers, hookers.

Uh, oh, uh...

golly, you know, people do
this kind of thing all the time.

Not to me, they don't.
Not to me.

Charlie's gonna do time
for this, Jimmy.

Hard time.

So, you ready, huh? You ready to go out
there and razzle-dazzle them, buddy?

Huh? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

All right, let's go!

I'm telling you, this is gonna be big.
Really big. It better be.

Hi.

Excuse me, people. Could we settle down?
Can I have some quiet, please?

Everybody take their seats.

Good. Thank you.

- Ladies and gentlemen.
- He's terrified.

Colleagues, distinguished
guests, president Porter.

The moment we've all been eagerly
anticipating has finally arrived.

I know, you're all chomping at the bit to
hear about this truly astonishing work.

So without further adieu
and with great pride,

I give you my old friend
and distinguished colleague,

Professor James krippendorf.

Thank you very much
for, uh, for coming.

Uh, first, I-I, uh,
would like to, uh, apologize...

For the abbreviated nature
of this first proxmire lecture.

I'd like to thank the department
for the extra time to prepare...

Before I did
these presentations.

He doesn't have anything.

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much.

Okay, the tribe
in question. Um...

the tribe in question,
uh, um...

well, isolated from the world
by, uh, mountains...

And, uh, uh,
extensive swamp land,

uh, the, uh, tribe in question had
been untouched by civilization...

Until, uh, two years ago...

When it was discovered...

By my wife and myself.

Um... questions?

Okay. Okay.

The, uh... the, uh, um...

- Professor krippendorf?
- Yes.

In the proposal for this grant,

"I believe
when found, they will astound us."

Yes, uh, that, yes... "they will astound
us." Yes, that's exactly right.

Give us an example.

- Uh, an example of...
- Of how they will astound us.

Of how they will astound us.
Yes.

Um, well, they will astound us...
you, um...

uh, because they have
a domestic unit.

A domestic unit,
which until now...

Is unheard of
in neolithic society.

And what is this domestic unit?

That is a, uh... what we would
call a single-parent home.

You're saying a young female...

Is allowed to raise
a family by herself?

No, I am... I am saying something
more remarkable than that.

I am saying that, uh, the single
parent in this instance... is male.

Well, that's a first.

I find it fascinating.

So do I, Professor micelli.

As a matter of fact, the single father...
if I might call him that...

is highly regarded
in this community.

He is called the utabaji,

which literally translates as
"the esteemed single parent."

You mean the male in question
did not run off...

And find another female
to immediately oppress?

No, that's not the way
they operate.

As a matter of fact, with all of the
incredible difficulty that they have,

single fathers with children...

Have immense pride in the
comfort and cleanliness...

Of their domestic hut.
What are they called?

Huh?

Do they have a name,
Professor krippendorf?

Of course they have a name.
Uh, uh...

the, uh, the "shelmikedmu."

- The shel... shelmikedmu.
- What?

The shelmikedmu.

But, Professor,
without sexual partners,

would this not cause problems for the,
uh, social balance of the community?

Ah, that is
an excellent question.

Thank you very much.
That is a superb question.

As a matter of fact, we do have
an object here today...

Which solves that very problem
that you were mentioning.

I'm sorry. Here.

All right, now, uh,
this little item here...

Is called by the
shelmikedmu a shutal.

A shutal, see?
That takes talent.

It's a very, very
powerful totem.

It has, as you can see,
both a male and a female plug.

And it is, in fact,
a marital device.

I-I-it's a neolithic dildo.

Would you care to, uh... pass
that down to Dr. Allen, please.

You can take it home for
the weekend if you'd like.

Hmm.

Thank you.

Wonderful. You were great.

Outstanding! I especially liked the way you
handled our resident blowhard, Ruth Allen.

That was beautiful. Beautiful.

I would do anything
to be part of this.

Professor krippendorf. Oh!

Mrs. Proxmire will be thrilled
when I tell her how well it went.

Thank you, thank you.
Quite a relief.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

When can I see the film?

You do have film, don't you?

Of course he has film. Oh, my
God, it's magnificent film.

The imagery. When I first
saw it, I was amazed.

Excellent. I'll plan to screen
some at the lecture on Friday.

We'll be there. Mm-hmm.

See you then.
Isn't this exciting?

Ow. What?
Footage is good, isn't it?

Professor krippendorf,
this is Mr. Schramm at the bank.

I still have not received your check.
Call me.

Thank you.

- What's this for?
- A urine sample.

I wanna know what drugs you're on.
I had to tell them something.

How about the truth?

That I spent all the money and I didn't
complete the research. That'd dazzle 'em.

- How big a grant did they give you?
- A hundred thousand.

Dollars? Awesome.

We didn't spend it all in new Guinea, so
how could you squander that much money?

Squander? Squander?

Let's think about this, my little
"squandees." Food, clothing, shelter.

Big screen tvs, vcrs,
counseling sessions.

Those were a waste of time.
Clearly.

T-they expect to see
film footage.

Excuse me. Who is the
adult in this room?

Don't answer that! I am
the adult in this room.

The adult in this
room doesn't have any film footage.

And do you know why?
Because there is no tribe.

Yeah? Well, everybody in that audience
tonight thinks there is a tribe.

That's true.

That is very, very true.

What are you saying?

What I am saying is...

That you take
a little nishowiku...

And you add a little imatosa,

and you throw in a dash
of katanka,

and you've got
the shelmikedmu, huh?

They want the shelmikedmu, they're
gonna get the shelmikedmu.

Huh?

So, uh, let's
get some palm trees.

No palm trees.
We don't need palm trees.

All right, uh, Venus flytraps?
Venus flytraps?

¶¶

have you ever been
close to tragedy

or been close
to folks who have

have you ever felt the pain
so powerful

so heavy you collapse

no? Well...

I never had to knock on
wood it's too skinny.

I'm working on it.

It needs to be about
this much wider. Okay.

Look at this. Yes.

I never had to
knock on wood

and I'm glad I haven't yet

because I'm sure
it isn't good

that's the impression
that I get

oh, hello, pumpkin.
How are you?

Do you remember me from yesterday?
I'm Veronica micelli.

I'm friends with your daddy. I brought
this really nice reporter here.

We just wanna ask him
a couple of questions...

I never had to
knock on wood

and I'm glad I haven't yet

because I'm sure
it isn't good

that's the impression
that I get¶

come on, guys!

We're losin' the light.

Hey! The shelmikedmu do not allow pictures
taken without the ritual body paint on.

- Nicely put.
- It is our way.

Yo!

It's really great, you know that?
What?

The way you are.

You know, always helping out around
here, doing things for us...

the answer is no. What?

I'm not playing boo-boo,
the native girl.

Shelly, it's only one film.

You're a fraud.

I need you.

No way.

Shelly!

Now catch the chicken. If it doesn't
come in a bucket, I don't touch it.

Shelly, don't break my hump,
okay?

Catch the chicken. They're
gonna repossess my hut.

Come on, come on.
Let's go. Let's go.

Go, go, go! Go!

All right, that's it.
That's it.

Quicker, quicker.
Come on, let's go.

Shelly! Shelly!
That's it. Come on.

Get your hands
on the little son of a...

e-excellent work.
Very, very good.

- Now what?
- Now cook the chicken.

I just chased poultry through my
backyard looking like Tammy faye bakker.

You owe me.

Thank you, boo-boo.
Where are you going?

To a friend's. She
doesn't have any friends.

Shut up! Besides, you're
part of our tribe.

There is no tribe.
Oh, and one small point:

Maybe Edmund's tutu
should have a few more leaves.

- I mean, how many neolithic tribes practice circumcision?
- Whoops.

Boo-boo has made
an excellent point.

That will be the subject
of our film.

A rare, primitive
circumcision ritual.

Yes! In which the older brother
performs the actual deed.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is not nightmare
on "shelmikedmu" street.

This is a delicate ritual
between brothers.

Sh... sorry.

All right, your wee-wee's on the log.
Okay. Now what?

The young shelmikedmu boy
sits at the egala altar...

Waiting for his older brother to guide
him through the portals of manhood.

Egala altar.
That's a nice little detail.

There's a spider on the log.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh. Mickey.
There was a spider.

Oh. Whatever.

Okay, let the ceremony begin.

Excuse me, uh, what exactly
is the older brother doing?

He is completing
the ritual dance...

In which he asks the gods
to protect the young boy...

From many brides who want him
and his pig wealth.

Hey, you put a lot of thought
into this, haven't you?

It's my tribe. Yeah. All right.
Now, wait, wait, wait.

Edmund, you're... you're looking
up to the gods with trepidation.

Trepidation.

Trepidation, trepidation,
trepidation.

Um, well, you're really afraid that your
brother is going to chop your wee-wee off.

Ah, there we go.
Excellent trepidation.

All right, here's the footage
from our last trip to new Guinea.

[ Tape audio in fast forward ]

Okay, we just need to shoot
a few more pieces.

Look at the camera.
One, two, three, ah!

Come on, ah! Ah!

- One, two, three.
- Ah!

Excellent. Did you get that?

No, here. Tilt that.
There you are.

Can you see him now? There we go.
Okay, ready?

Magunga.

Edmund, look miserable.

Excellent.

Here goes nothin'.

Good job.

At first glance, the shelmikedmu appear to
be a somewhat typical new Guinea tribe,

as unremarkable
as they are undiscovered.

However, that all changed
when we began to focus in...

On one particular family unit.

Although there is, uh,
no evidence,

uh, of circumcision
among other new Guinea tribes,

we find that circumcision is a
ritual used by the shelmikedmu.

Now, the uncircumcised child
of a shelmikedmu family here...

Is waiting patiently at the egala
altar for his older brother...

Who will be the one
to guide him into manhood.

Magunga. Here, the older boy is
handed the sacred pola bar...

By the native shaman.

Now, this axe, which has been
fashioned from stone,

has been used to circumcise tribal members
for thousands and thousands of years.

Now, this is interesting. The older brother
here is performing a ritual dance,

the purpose of which is to ask
the gods for a steady hand...

For what will surely be
a delicate, uh, procedure.

And here we are.

Ah!

Quite remarkable, yes?

Amazing. Professor krippendorf.

Professor krippendorf, I wonder if you could
talk to a couple of my students here.

I'm sorry, I have to go to my
son's science fair. Scientist!

Chip off the old block. Oh,
Professor krippendorf. Professor.

Professor, I have somebody
I want you to meet.

May I speak to you
privately for a second?

This is an interview with Veronica
micelli about the shelmikedmu.

Yeah, I know. Does that upset you?
Yes, it does upset me.

Thank you. God. See, me,
too, because they told us...

They were gonna give us a
full-color photo and three columns.

You had no right
to give this interview.

What? This paper has a circulation of 35,000, James.
That's not the point!

Professor! Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Will you shut up! It is not your lecture.
It is not her tribe.

It has nothing to do with you.

And this article is a brazen
attempt at self-promotion.

I am crushed that
you would say that, James.

May I call you James? No!

But, speaking of promotion, I
have someone I want you to meet.

Professor krippendorf,
meet Henry "spivvey."

Spivey. I'm a great admirer
of yours, Professor.

I could not have been more thrilled
to receive your call. My call?

Well, Mr. Spivey operates
a new cable TV network...

Dedicated to anthropology
called primal time.

- You're joking?
- No, I am not, and I want you to come on board.

Give me the television rights
to the shelmikedmu story.

No.

Professor, we share the goal of making
anthropology accessible to the common man.

The common
man could give a shit.

Well, no, that's just because anthropology
has never been presented to them...

As relevant
to their lives before.

Our little shelmikedmu deal with the
same problems that we face every day:

Loneliness, despair,
intense sexual longing.

Uh, next we have
Michael krippendorf...

With his project on a tribe
from the jungles of new Guinea.

All right, Michael.

I am a member
of the shelmikedmu tribe.

These pigs, a staple
of the shelmikedmu's economy,

are adorned with hornbilled beaks
and bird-of-paradise feathers.

This structure is called
an ojatani.

It is used only once
by the women of my tribe.

It is built to house
a young virgin...

Experiencing
her first menstruation.

What did he say?

At first signs of menses, the young
female is anointed with pig urine...

And placed in the menarpat, where
she will remain for three days...

Until the spirits of maidenhood have left her body.
Isn't that interesting?

Thank you, Michael. Next we have
Adam kant and his lima bean graphs.

Because she's in her first days
of menstruation,

- I've placed abbey tournquist in the menarpat.
- Oh, my God, it's abbey!

I shall now douse her
with the sacred pig urine.

Aaaah!

Please, don't do this.

- No problem, no problem. Can I talk to you?
- Abbey, come out of there now!

Not until I'm purified.

Discuss it?
Discuss? Discuss what?

I am not sending my
kids to any boarding school.

Hey! Time out,
time out, time out!

Unfortunately, these problems
are not confined to Mickey.

His behavior seems to be
affecting Edmund.

Edmund was asked to draw "what I
enjoyed most about my weekend."

Let me take a look at that drawing.
I wanna see the drawing.

What is the matter with you?
Get your hands off of it.

Would you stop acting
like a child?

All right, let's just
calm down here.

The fact is, a school
like Chester hills,

with its emphasis on discipline,
is probably a better choice.

My sentiments exactly.

I apologize.

I guess things might have
gotten out of hand,

and, uh, I'm not making
any excuses,

but I should take
responsibility for this.

I don't want my kids
to go to boarding school,

so from now on,
no more crazy behavior.

Things are gonna change.
I give you my word.

Another magical day in the
krippendorf household, Mr. Schramm.

The children are all ready
for school,

and they're clean and coiffed and anxious
to embark on another day of learning.

Mickey, take that headdress off.
I mean, take that red dress off.

I mean, take that red dress
and give it to your sister.

What? I... no, sir.

No, sir, the check is in the...
yes, I'll hold.

Of course I'll hold.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Darling, honey, can I ask you
a question... Seriously?

Are you happy?

The color won't come out
of my hair.

Foreclosure? Are you serious?

No, no, no. No. No, no, no, I didn't
mean that you weren't serious. No, no.

Leo... may I call you Leo?

Mr. Schramm, I know that deadlines
are not meant to be ignored,

but please don't do
anything rash.

The check will be in your hands
by 3:00 this afternoon.

I swear to God,
I'll bring it myself.

I'm ready to make a deal.

Veronica!

- Can I talk to you in private for a second?
- Yes.

I knew you'd see it my way. Okay,
so how we're gonna play this...

don't give away
the merchandising!

This is an
insult to anthropology.

- That's right, an insult.
- This seems fine to me.

James' style has always
been unconventional.

Uh, unconventional. Gerald, for God's
sake, this is tabloid anthropology.

The shelmikedmu demi-bra?

It's tabloid. You're jealous.

Oh, you're ridiculous. I've never
been jealous of anyone in my life.

Bullshit. The shelmikedmu have captured
the imagination of the public.

Unlike your musty old galincas.

Which by comparison strike me as...
oh, what's that word? Boring.

Krippendorf is sensationalizing this
tribe for his own financial gain.

Oh, get a grip.

Professor, please,
just... please!

James' style may not be to your liking,
but miss micelli is absolutely right.

Thanks to krippendorf's tribe, this department's
reputation is growing by leaps and bounds,

and I, for one, am delighted.

Well, you may be falling
for this shelmikedmu crap,

but every instinct in my body tells
me that this stinks to high heaven.

- Excuse me, Ruth. - Mine too!
- Mine, too, Professor.

In fact, I don't think
there is a shelmikedmu tribe.

All right,
miss Professor know-it-all.

If you're so sure there's no tribe, why don't
you take off to mount bosavi and prove it.

- I should.
- That's right. She should.

- Go ahead.
- I just might.

- Be my guest.
- Hah! I will!

Lori and I will leave tomorrow.
That's right, tomorrow.

We will? Ruth. Ruth!

[ Disco ]

Boogie fever

you got to boogie down

boogie fever

I think it's goin' around¶

Oh, my God, I'd forgotten.

Oh, the decay, the stench.

The chaos.

Oh, popo, we're home.

So much cleaner in the books.

We'll go find someone
to take us where we're going.

Lori, you look positively green.
You should eat something.

Who wants to get work?

You! Me like go long bosavi now.
No bosavi. No.

Me like buy 'em triple man.

Go bosavi. No bosavi.

Not me! Not me!

You, me, go bosavi now.

I-I'm fine, thank you.

Now, for the shelmikedmu,

personal appearance
is of primary concern.

And for the young people,
especially the teenagers,

one second. These ritual obligations
are terribly painful and...

psst, psst, psst.
And absolutely necessary.

Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me. Pardon me.

It's random house.
They love us.

Sit down!

Um, the
rituals that I spoke about...

Are performed in a small
and sacred shrine...

Dad, Shelly's been
in the bathroom for an hour!

Located near the sleeping area.

In the center of that shrine
is an altar affixed to a wall.

Inside these altars are
various talismen and potions.

Let me in! I'm busy.

Much attention is paid
to the underarm,

a sacred part
of the shelmikedmu anatomy.

Good or bad fortune is believed
to emanate from this area.

Oh, well.

Any other...
any other questions?

Yes? Do the shelmikedmu
practice divorce?

Well, when a shelmikedmu couple
wish to divorce,

the tribal equivalent of a lawyer is
appointed to each side in the marriage.

Everybody concerned works very hard
to avoid an annulment from happening.

However, if a divorce, in fact,
takes place,

the two lawyers are executed.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

There's just so much we can
learn from the shelmikedmu,

except for their hair
and makeup.

Another brilliant lecture,
Professor.

I am anxious to see what you come
up with for our sweeps week video.

Uh, sweeps week video?

Yes, I paid you for it last week.
I need it by Monday.

Ah, sweet potato.

It examines the role of the sweet potato
in shelmikedmu agriculture. Sweet potato.

Boring. What, boring?

Well, let's speak frankly here.
We need ratings.

Now, we have their attention, but
we need something that grabs focus.

Not sweet potatoes. Precisely.

Such as... sex.

Shelmikedmu sex videos?

Mating rituals, James. One of the
cornerstones of any field research.

You did cover them, didn't you?

Don't be ridiculous.

Besides, no one is gonna wanna watch
the shelmikedmu do each other.

Certainly not. How vulgar.

Unless scientifically
presented, of course.

Don't move.

Excuse me, ladies.

Would any of you be interested in
watching a one-hour special...

On the mating rituals
of the shelmikedmu?

You mean sex videos?
Oh, absolutely. Yes.

Oh, very interested. What
night will it be on?

Discovery channel,
eat your heart out.

Loosen up, James.

I think you're right.

Would you like to discuss this
over a drink?

Mm.

¶The
shelmikedmu courting chant.

When a shelmikedmu male
wishes to woo a female,

he breaks the ice with a drink of
fermented juteberries and banana sap.

Another Brandy,
Professor micelli?

Oh, call me Veronica, please.

I really don't think I should.

No, a little more.

Thank you.

So...

Are your children sleeping?

They're spending the evening
at their grandparents'.

Oh.

Ahh.

What's that? This?

Oh! This is a kiefo.

The shelmikedmu use it
when choosing a bride.

Oh.

How does it work?

Well, uh, that's, uh,
very graphic.

Please. Yes, okay.

Um, just bear in mind that I'm
speaking to you as a scholar...

And not as a man who finds
you unbelievably attractive.

The prospective
shelmikedmu bride...

Holds the kiefo thusly, allowing
her breasts to fall over the edge,

suggesting the possibility
of her fertility.

A sort of shelmikedmu
wet t-shirt contest.

Yeah.

Now these lines here,
um, indicate...

How large the breasts
might be...

And also determine payment.

One pig's worth, two pig's
worth, three pig's worth,

and so on and so forth
and so on.

Oh.

Here, let me be
the shelmikedmu virgin.

Ah. Ooh, there we go.

How do I stack up?

Um...

well, as the shelmikedmu
would say,

jagabondo!

Which roughly
translates as, uh,

more pigs than you can
possibly imagine.

Wee-wee-wee, all the way home.

Oh. What's this hole for?

That hole...

By golly, I think you found
out what that hole is for.

Extra credit
for Professor micelli.

You know, I've always had
a crush on you.

When I was in your seminar
on the kinaposa,

you made me feel like I was
the only woman in the room.

You were the only woman
in that room.

Be honest. Are you attracted to me?
Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Are you just saying that
'cause I'm holding your penis?

Would you like to slip in
to something more...

Comfortable?

Mm-hmm.

Ah, ah, ah.

Ah, yeah, yeah.

I always wondered if all those months
in the jungle would change a man,

but, James, I had no idea.

You're a wild man. Come here.

a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh
a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh

Wimoweh.

Ooh.

Last night was unbelievable.

Mmm, yes, it was.

So what are you gonna do today?
Um, let's see.

Whatever you're doing.

You know, it's never good
when couples work together,

so I've decided that this
shelmikedmu thing is over.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna take a shower.

Okay.

What do you mean, this
shelmikedmu thing is over?

We just can't invade these innocent people's
lives any more than we already have.

Why not? Why? Because
it's not right.

Well, well, what was
last night about then?

Are you saying that last night happened only
because you want to become a partner...

In the shelmikedmu?

No! What I am saying is, I
thought that we... that wh...

goddamn it, where is my shoe?

You know what? I worked my butt off to
make shelmikedmu the talk of anthropology.

Who asked you?

Oh, find yourself a genius.

Gordon. James.

Can we talk? Um...

as you know, Irene believes the
children belong in Chester hills,

but, really, all she needs
is assurance...

That the children are being raised in
a decent and sanitary environment.

You are an egomaniacal monster. Do you know that?
I'm at the front door.

Who's that? My new housekeeper.

Housekeeper!

Housekeep this!

Don't worry about the ironing, miss micelli.
Have a nice day off.

Would you like some coffee?
What's going on here?

Out of this house.

The old school
type of housekeeper.

Runs this house any way she wants, and
God help the person who gets in her way.

Uh, Tuesday, as usual?

Kiss my neolithic ass!

A proud woman. I try to be
sensitive to her feelings.

You forgot your goat,
miss micelli.

Hurry up. Lick, lick.
We're almost up on top.

Hurry up! You must hurry up!

Day three.
Despite my best efforts,

the mood of the expedition has
turned against me...

And heavy weather threatens to delay
us even-even more... more than...

my God, that has got to be the
greatest ass I've ever seen on a man.

Ole, man.

What's wrong?

What's wrong? No bosavi.

Yes, bosavi. Make way! Go!

You can talk to me. What's the
deal with this bosavi thing?

Too dangerous?
Too sacred? What?

No. Too far uphill.

Give me that!

Woman knows
how to cut the bush.

Die, krippendorf!
Lying, cheating...

- oh, man, you go.
- Aaah! Aaah!

Lick, lick! Krippendorf!
Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

The shelmikedmu utabaji embraces his
death with courage and dignity.

Ohh! Ahh. All right,
let's get this show on the road.

I still don't understand
why we have to kill him.

I told you... so we can get rid
of this "shelmikedmu" crap.

I got a better idea. The shelmikedmu
family could celebrate the harvest.

Nah! Come on, Mickey. Let's go.

Okay. Ready for my sweet
potato, Mr. Demille.

Okay, action.

- God, you are pathetic.
- What?

- You said you weren't doing any more of these.
- Oh, give me a break.

I'm dyin' with dignity
out here.

Why don't you try living with some?
I mean, what's next?

Gee, let's see. Well, we've had
the backyard circumcision.

We've danced with the pigs
to ensure my fertility.

That one really
changed my life.

So, what's the next step?
Cannibalism?

Hey, Mrs. O'Brian, are you doing
anything tonight? Oh! Shit!

We're having a barbecue.
Wear some hot sauce.

Will you keep it down!

Listen to you, Ms. High and mighty,
too busy to help your family.

That's such bullshit, and it doesn't
change the fact that you're a liar.

I had to lie! Not
to me, you didn't.

Every time you do one of
these, "it's the last one."

This is the last one.

Shelly, why do you think I'm dressed this way?
I'm killing the utabaji.

You are? Yes!

After this, it's over. I'm killing
the son of a bitch and burying him.

When? Now.

And after this,
it's back to normal.

"Normal."

Who is that?

That's it!

Porter and Adams saw me. We're dead!

Dad. Dad!

Dad! What?

They don't know it's you.

Perfect.

Edmund, go outside
and hide in the hut.

Mickey, go to the door.

Dean Adams. Come in. Thank you.

Who... what... what was that?

We just saw the strangest thing.
Uh... uh, that?

Well, my father wanted to
surprise you, but, uh...

he brought one of the
shelmikedmu here to America.

Oh, this is marvelous.
Unbelievable.

Are you serious? Are you serious?
This is incredible!

Gerald? Yes, James?

Who's that with you?
President Porter, James.

I'm so upset.
You spoiled my surprise.

You have outdone
yourself, James.

I came here this afternoon...

To talk you into extending your
lecture series, Professor,

but I never imagined this.

- Who could?
- So, bring him out. I want to meet him.

I would, but, uh, he's praying.

Yeah, uh, just one...
one, uh...

Oh. Yeah. Excuse me.

Did you know
he was planning this?

Yes. Yes, yes, I did.

May I use the phone? Sure.

He's got
an incredible sense of humor.

- How long is he here for?
- Uh, just a little while.

Um, he's on a super saver.

I'd like him to meet
a friend of mine.

Oh, I... I'd like that, but I don't
think it's gonna be, uh, possible.

Y-you see, he has to get back for, uh...
for shelriku.

Yes! That's right. He has
to get back for shelriku.

Uh... uh...
the sweet potato harvest.

The sweet potato har...
God, that is right!

Excellent. Excellent.
That's right.

Has the sweet potato harvest
come so quickly again?

Gosh, only 28 more cropping
days till shelriku.

Hold on. It's my nephew.

He books talent for a talk
show, and he loves the idea.

- Excellent!
- Talk show? Oh, I don't think so.

- No, no, he's got a, uh...
- No. Yes.

No, no. No. Yes!

Tomorrow it is, then. It's settled.
Congratulations, James.

Oh, don't you think the alumni association...
This is the most exciting...

wishbone
world's most colorful face

[ Monkey screeching ]

Good evening, and welcome
to another episode of...

Life of the shelmikedmu.

Tonight we are airing
a very special...

And perhaps
controversial aspect...

Of Professor krippendorf's
unique tribe:

The mating rituals
of the shelmikedmu.

I feel obliged to clarify...

For the viewer...

That the material
presented tonight,

offensive as it may be
for some...

And inappropriate as it may be
for children,

is offered as
scientific research.

And now, sit back and enjoy.

The marriage of
a shelmikedmu male and female...

Is consummated in the relative privacy
of the penumana, or matrimonial hut.

Keeping to centuries
of tradition,

the villagers
wait outside the hut,

singing and hoping for
a successful and fertile union.

Ho-ho!

After years
of domestic drudgery...

The young bride takes advantage
of this rare chance to let loose,

acting in a way that, to the untrained
Western eye, might appear as drunkenness.

Go, baby!

Wild jungle woman.

That's what I like. This is gettin' good!

I'd do her.

Oww! Ha ha! Look at this!

What'd you do that for?
I wasn't talkin' about you.

Life of the shelmikedmu will be back in a moment.
Shake it, baby! Shake it!

Everybody wants to be on
the Larry swift show, James.

It's a great honor,
I know, but...

look, Simon, I need you
to do this for me.

But the shelmikedmu,
that's your baby.

Why don't you appear
on the show yourself?

I would, but I told you I have to
fly home for my brother's funeral.

But I'm concerned, James. I do not
speak shelmikedmu. You'll be fine.

Just follow the notes. Look, I'm
gonna be late for my flight.

The utabaji's gonna be here any second.
You're gonna be okay.

Go, go, go. I'm going to do this for you.
It will be an honor.

I'm ashamed I supported Ruth when she
left for new Guinea to discredit you.

When was that? Last Tuesday.

And now back
to the Larry swift show.

Camera two. Welcome back.

We're here discussing the amazing
discovery of Dr. James krippendorf.

Unfortunately, a death in his family
means he couldn't be here tonight,

but we have the help of his
colleague Simon Alonso.

Hello, Simon. Hello, Larry.

And welcome, chief kawanakapi.

A traditional
shelmikedmu greeting.

Oh. Hamass! Hamamass!

They must go through quite a few
tables where he comes from.

Uh, what is he saying, Simon?
Um...

You know, Larry, I...
Larry, I...

wait a second.
My producer is telling me...

oh, we have found an expert, someone
who is fluent in shelmikedmu.

- You did?
- Yes, and here she is now.

Professor Veronica micelli, a colleague
of yours at bounderbee university.

Hi, Professor micelli.
Shelmikedmu.

Shelmikedmu. Hi. Nice
to see you, Alonso.

You can go. Uh, no, I promised prof.
Krippendorf...

go!

I have to go, Larry.

Professor, you're an authority
on the shelmikedmu?

That's right, Larry.

Actually, in anthropological circles I have done
everything but replace prof. Krippendorf...

As the expert
on the shelmikedmu.

Not to take anything away from his studies,
of course, as inconclusive as they are.

Now the shit-ah
hit-ah da fan-ah.

Could you ask the chief his initial
impressions of the United States?

Oh, sure. Uh...

You-ah...

Bitch.

Mmm.

He says it's a very large
and frightening country,

full of things he thought
existed only in myth.

And he said that in only three syllables?
It's a very concise language.

Sadly, this is the chief's
final appearance in America.

He flies home tonight.

Well, that makes this visit
very special indeed.

Could you please explain his
costume for us? Gladly.

I guess the most obvious ornament to the
Western eye would be this penis sheath.

Um, its intention is to
intimidate opposing tribes.

Now, interestingly,
my research has proven...

That the size of the man's
sheath is in direct contrast...

To the size of...

let's just say,
the bigger the sheath...

The smaller the... obviously.

Now, Professor,

what is the chief doing now?

This would be a sign
of affection...

Amongst the shelmikedmu.

- Pretty much the same thing we do here.
- Uh-huh.

Now, this act of the chief calls for
the requisite response from the woman.

Aaaah!

¶¶

So, uh, I know this may seem
violent to the viewers,

but I can assure you the
chief is very used to this.

Or, at least, he should be.

Now, after such a display of affection it is
very common to give an offering of gifts.

Just so happen to have
some gifts right here.

What have you got there,
Professor?

Well, right here
I have a lovely selection...

Of stink slugs and sego grubs.

It's a delicacy
for the shelmikedmu.

Ah, see. He's like
a kid in a candy store.

- He would like to know, can he eat one right here?
- Oh, of course he can.

I'll just get a nice, big, slimy one.
It'll fly right down.

Let's see here. Okay.

Here we go. Can we get
a close-up of that?

Sure! Camera one.

He says he can't wait to eat it.
Oh, be my guest.

All right.

Down-dah hatch-ah.
Eat-ah, puke-ah.

Fascinating, isn't it?

And the part where you slapped each other?
That was so rad.

Oh, yeah.
I enjoyed that part too.

See ya.

Are you out of your mind?

What? Out of my mind?

You lied to everyone. You falsified research.
You misappropriated grant money.

Is there anything
you haven't done?

No... hey!

Let me see. Eating a grub
on national television.

That about wraps it up
pretty good.

Hey. Great show. Thanks.

Thank you so much. Mogo wacaca.

Have a good day. My cock-ah rock-ah.

When did you figure this out?

Oh, gee, let me see. Maybe when I saw
the wall of sex at the TV store.

They did everything
but sell popcorn!

All right! I'm sorry!

I did an awful thing to you,
but you got your revenge.

Barely. Oh! You made
a fool out of me.

Ohh! We're even, all right?

I am on that tape, too,
remember?

I am the one holding up the plank measuring
how many pigs my breasts are worth.

Okay, okay, look. I'll tell
them that I got you drunk.

I'll tell them I seduced you.
Oh, great!

Even better. Now I'm an idiot
and a coconspirator. Whoo!

Why did you tell Larry
swift that I was leaving?

Because once we send this character
back to wherever he came from,

no one can prove a thing;
We're safe.

Oh, really? Ruth Allen is in
new Guinea, even as we speak,

looking for the shelmikedmu.

She went there?

I dared her to go, but I never
thought the woman would do it.

- What? You...
- Oops... no, uh...

No big deal.

Tribes die off all the time.

They get wiped out by a volcano or a
virus, never to be heard of again.

You wanna know who's never
to be heard from again?

People who underestimate
Ruth Allen.

It's going to be absolutely...
Veronica.

Wait there a second! The proxmire people
have been searching for you all day!

Me? They have? You won't believe it.

They are renewing
James' grant...

So he can continue his work
on the shelmikedmu.

Mrs. Proxmire herself will
present the check to James...

At a big gala
Wednesday evening.

Here's the best part. The utabaji
is going to be the guest of honor.

That's wonderful!

Did James happen to mention that
he officially made me his partner?

Congratulations! Oh. Yes.

Did you know that? No.

Could mean going to jail.

No, it means more recognition.

Recognition? Recognition
is the last thing I want!

I am not taking the grant.

Oh, yes, you are. Half that money is mine.
I earned it.

You are insane.
Did you know that?

And how does James krippendorf
go to a party with him?

Huh?

Go in and get the kids.

Me?

Well, I can't go in
dressed like this, can I?

Huh?

Son of a bitch!

W-where are you going? James!

At Chester hills,

we believe a structured life is a
productive life, is a happy life.

I want you kids to look at the new
skating rink in these brochures.

Ohhh-aaaaaaah!

Ohh! What is this?
What the hell?

Ohh, pick-picket! Oooh.

Gosh! Do you know who this is?

Wamook man!

Hello. I'm Veronica micelli.

This is the... the, uh...

this is the tribal chief
on TV! The, uh...

it's that savage that James has been
carrying around like a sideshow freak.

What the hell is he doing
in our living room?

Get away from me,
you voodoo twit!

Okay, let's go!
You see, Dr. Andrews?

You see what these kids
have to grow up with?

Chester hills is our last hope.

Maybe it is.

Shelly, take your cotton-pickin'
purse off of that marble top table!

My God in heaven, what is he doing now?

- That just means he likes it.
- Oh, really?

- And what does he do if he doesn't like it?
- Whoa!

Uh, that.

- Can they start Monday?
- The sooner the better.

Yeah, well, dad says we don't
have to go to your stupid school.

That's for your grandmother
and me to decide. Yes!

- Actually, that's for us to decide.
- We'll choose what's best.

Now get this
filthy savage out of here! Get him out!

I've had enough... whoa!

Oh, Jesus h. Christ!
Get off me, you pervert!

Come on! Lori, suck it up!
Get a move on!

Must stop. Must sleep.

Kill Ruth. Must stop.
You, pela, must hurry up!

Hurry up!

What is it?
Why have you stopped?

Land of spirits.

This is it? This is bosavi?

Bosavi.

Nothing.

It's nothing. I knew it.

I knew it! I knew it!

I knew it!
There is no shelmikedmu!

God, it must be so cool to be
a globe-trotting 14-year-old.

Yeah, I used to dream
of traveling.

God, my family and I
didn't go anywhere.

Not even to the movies.

God, your parents must
have loved you so much...

For them to take you
along with them.

- Is that right?
- Oh, believe me.

When they don't love you, they
just pack their bags and say,

"sorry, Veronica, honey. This
trip's just for us grownups.

Hell would freeze over
before we'd take you."

Hey, check this out.
What do ya think?

- I think it's beautiful.
- Isn't it? It's my favorite.

Would you stick it in
that garbage bag for me?

[ Soft jazz ] Right over here.

Oh!

Look! It's marvelous.

Hello, little fella.

Hamamass.
Hors d'oeuvres, madam?

Sego grubs. Hmm.

Champagne? Thanks.

Hamamass.

All right! Keep it moving!
Next!

Henry spivey, Mrs. Proxmire.

I'm the media consultant for the
shelmikedmu and a very big fan of yours.

And this is the woman I'm with.

May I say you look absolutely radiant
this evening, Mrs. Proxmire?

Thank you. Next.

Why don't you just bend over
and kiss her shriveled ass?

Oh, Edith, how nice to see you.

Was it you who died,
or was it your sister?

[ Steady beat ]

Excuse me. At last.

Welcome, chief. Greetings.

Oh, please, right this way.
Please.

Mrs. Proxmire,
Professor krippendorf.

Mrs. Proxmire,
it is my honor...

To introduce to you kawanakapi,

the chief utabaji...

Of the shelmikedmu people.

- Ohh!
- And where is Professor micelli?

She has been delayed.
I'm terribly sorry.

Mrs. Proxmire is very
anxious to meet her.

- She said she'd be here for dessert...
- Aaah!

I-I-I-I mean hors d'oeuvres.

Um, golly,
I think I got that wrong.

Um...

Yes, uh, uh, she'd be
arriving just about now.

Ladies and gentlemen, please!

This is horrible. Horrible.

"Stop stealing
your parents' money.

"Drop out now.

Good luck in summer school."

"Urgent. At bosavi now.

"No sign of shelmikedmu.
A complete hoax.

Stop krippendorf."

You bet I will.

You made me lie to Larry swift!

All clear!

Help me. Keep breathing.

Oww!

I thought you were gonna
stay the utabaji...

Until at least the main course.

How was I supposed to know Mrs. Proxmire
was gonna be so hot to talk to me?

How did I ever get into this?

¶¶

You are actually enjoying
this, aren't you?

Mm-hmm.

Hi. I am a colleague of your
father from the university.

What do you want? Uh, I,
uh, I am Professor Alonso.

Perhaps you have seen me
on the Larry swift show?

Your father
asked me to come by...

And pick up all the shelmikedmu
research material.

Why?

Why? Because he wants to
show it at the gala tonight.

You'll have to
come back tomorrow.

No!

We need it tonight.
Please. Please!

I am good with children.
Please listen to me.

Please open up. Please!

Oh, you think that's funny? You wait till
Ruth Allen comes back from new Guinea!

I'll show you
who's going to laugh last!

Shelly!

Oh, I hate children!

They know.
Don't you ever knock?

They know there's no shelmikedmu.
We have to tell dad.

I'm driving.

You? You drive?

For your approval, sir. ¶¶

So he says, "that goes for
your cat too."

Are you a nursing mother?

Mmm!

You know, did I say "Happy
Birthday" to you yet?

Happy Birthday, Edith.

May I call you Edith?
God, what a gorgeous ring.

I've been meaning to talk to
you about the timototta tribe.

Because people are gonna start
getting bored with the shelmikedmu.

So, we'll talk. Okay, good.

So, must be something
very important...

To keep your wife from attending
this honor for your son-in-law.

Yeah. She hadda defrost
the refrigerator.

Aah!

Oh, for God's sake... I'm terribly sorry.

Krippendorf.

Where is he? It's almost time for
the presentation of the check...

And he's not here.

Oh... kay. I'll find him.

Chief?

Hamamass!

He says he'll
miss you, but we'll be back.

Okay. God, Porter reminds me of
my cranky first-grade teacher.

Penis. Oh.

Okay, I am only gonna dress like the
utabaji until we get that check.

All right, all right. I'm
just letting you know.

Would you hurry up? I'm not that excited.

Self-obsessed person
I have ever met in my life.

I can't believe you. "I, I, I. Me,
me, me." Oh, would you stop it?

You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me.
You're the one who wanted...

Oh, God! Aaaah!

Mrs. Proxmire, this is
not what it looks like.

Listen, we're just...

are you all right? Of course she's not.
She's turning blue!

Do something!

Ohh. Oh, good.
You saved her life.

Ah-ah! No bell. No bell.

- Shh!
- No bell, please!

No bell! No bell!

My God, you killed her. I didn't kill her.
Are you crazy?

Don't be silly. Mrs. Proxmire!
Look how happy she...

- no, no. Mrs. Proxmire!
- Huh?

- Hello! Hello! Mrs... oh, look at that.
- Mrs. Proxmire!

Oh, shit!

Get dressed. Give me my penis
and I'll meet you downstairs.

Mrs. Proxmire,
are you all right?

- What'll I say to president Porter?
- You'll think of something.

Hey! Whoa.

Ohhh.

What's goin' on in here?

Mmm.

A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh,
a-wimoweh...

Get outta my way, you moron.

I thought you said dad
taught you to drive.

This is how he taught me!

What's happening?
There's no answer.

Keep tryin'. Wait, wait, wait.
Somebody picked up. Hello?

Is it him? Hello?

Hello? Papa sulukim?
Can you hear me?

Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now it's time for the
presentation of the check...

To Professor... Krippendorf?

Yeah, he had to leave because, um...
well, just because.

And he said
that as his partner...

I could accept the check
in his name.

Very well, Ms. Micelli.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

let's have a warm greeting...

For our shelmikedmu utabaji.

Chief, that's for you.
Go on up.

Hamamass!

Hamamass!

Ms. Micelli, in recognition
of the remarkable research...

That prof. Krippendorf...

and, apparently, you...
have accomplished,

Mrs. Proxmire
is proud to present you...

With a check for $100,000...

To further your work
on the shelmikedmu people.

Wonderful.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Proxmire.

Thank you very much.

It's so profoundly
generous of you.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Well, as a girl
I had a dream...

And that dream was to
become an anthropologist.

Now, no accomplishment
comes easily...

stop! Stop!
This whole thing is a fraud!

I have been faxed with proof...

That the shelmikedmu
do not exist!

Professor, are you out of your mind?
What are you saying?

I hold here a facsimile from Professor
Ruth Allen in new Guinea...

Confirming that there is no evidence
whatsoever of the shelmikedmu.

Gerald.- Ladies and gentlemen,
there's been a small misunderstanding.

Give me that. See for yourself.
They do not exist!

Hey. Hold on.

To any of you familiar
with the shelmikedmu,

it's not surprising that Professor
Allen couldn't find them.

- And why not?
- "Why not?"

There is a very good reason
why not.

And my brother Mickey...

Will explain it to you.

Well, yes, um,

the reason why...

Professor Allen was not able
to locate the shelmikedmu...

I-it's quite simple. You see, they
practice an obscure ritual...

Called bu api...

In which the gods instruct them
to conceal and reveal themselves.

And now you can't
find them anymore.

Exactly.

This...

these children are
part of the conspiracy.

This tribe is a fraud!

- It's not a fraud!
- Eddie.

There has to be
a shelmikedmu tribe,

because if there isn't we
won't have fun anymore...

Watching Shelly
chase chickens...

And dancing together.

It'll be like it was
after mom died...

And nobody was happy.

Tell them. Tell them.

No, don't.

Ohh!

Krippendorf!

James! Professor!

Krippendorf? I knew it!

The children know nothing!

Personally, I would like to string you up
by that sheath and hang you out to dry.

The humiliation this university
will have to endure...

On account of your actions...

Is unthinkable.

I warned you, James, and now
you are going to pay big-time!

Very big-time!

I only hope you both stole enough money
so you can afford a damn good lawyer!

A very good damn lawyer!
Gentlemen.

We have to put aside
personal revenge...

And consider what's best
for the university.

For the university. Exactly.

All this happened because...

I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's an
urgent call from a Professor Allen...

In new Guinea on line three.

Yeah. Thank you.

I'm sure we all
want to hear this.

President
Porter here, Professor.

Hello, Ruth... with
Adams and krippendorf.

You're on the speakerphone.

- I want to thank you for...
- We've found them.

I'm sorry, Ruth. It sounded as
if you said you found something.

What did you find?

Aaaah! What was that, Ruth?
I couldn't hear you.

Ruth?
Could you say it again, please?

¶¶

What did you find?

The shelmikedmu.

Stop that drumming!

We found the shelmikedmu.

I am on the phone.
I am on the phone!

Lori, you are
driving me "f" -ing crazy!

We found the shelmikedmu.

- No, no, no. Wait a minute.
- Yes.

Yes, we found the shelmikedmu.

How can you do this, Ruth?

I'm losing you. I am losing you!

- He is right here in this room!
- You tell me now that...

we'll send out a press
release immediately...

Explaining that
what happened tonight...

Was all a practical joke. No, no, no, no...

that's what we'll do.

Exactly.

Yes.

Well, there's just so much
that I could say,

but I think I'll be a bigger
person than you and not say it.

Children, let's go.
Ms. Micelli.

That does not
surprise me at all, because...

you're fired.

Exactly.

What do you want, guys?
I want a hot dog.

A hot dog.

Hello, hello.

Any problems, papa sulukim?

¶No!

Not a one, Shelly. Not a one.

So Professor Allen
swallowed the whole thing?

Good for you, too, because no amount of money
could get me to wear a penis sheath again.

Well, I sent your stuff
this morning.

Any problems, call me.

Take care of yourself,

my little Shelly krippendorf,

and hamamass.

Hamamass, papa sulukim.

Eee-eee-eee-eee and thanks.

Ee-eee-eee-eee-eee
ee-wi-om-om-moweh

so, when exactly did...

it's a tribal thing.

Wi-om-om-mowehyour father's right.
The timototta are wrong.

We'll just stick with the shelmikedmu.
I never said that.

You know where we went wrong with them?
Yes, I do.

There is no such tribe. That's where we went wrong.
Be that as it may...

we blew the publishing. Big time!
Thank you! See?

Okay, so what we're gonna do with the shelmikedmu...
there is no such thing.

We're going to concentrate our
efforts on a glossy presentation.

Does anybody listen to me?
There is no such tribe.

¶¶

¶¶

have you ever been close
to tragedy

or been close to folks
who have

have you ever felt the pain
so powerful

so heavy you collapse

no? Well...

I never had to
knock on wood

but I know someone who has

which makes me wonder
if I could

it makes me wonder if I

never had to knock on wood

and I'm glad I haven't yet

because I'm sure
it isn't good

that's the impression
that I get

have you ever had the odds
tick up so high

you need a strength
most don't possess

or has it ever come down
to do or die

you got to rise
above the rest

no? Well...

I never had to
knock on wood

but I know someone who has

which makes me wonder
if I could

it makes me wonder if I

never had to knock on wood

and I'm glad I haven't yet

because I'm sure
it isn't good

that's the impression
that I get

I'm not a coward
I've just never been tested

I'd like to think that
if I was, I would pass

look at the tested and think
there but for the grace go I

might be a coward I'm afraid
of what I might find out

never had to knock on wood

but I know someone who has

which makes me wonder
if I could

it makes me wonder if I

never had to knock on wood

and I'm glad I haven't yet

because I'm sure
it isn't good

that's the impression
that I get

never had to
but I'd better knock on wood

'cause I know
someone who has

which makes me wonder
if I could

it makes me wonder if I

never had to
but I'd better knock on wood

'cause I'm sure
it isn't good

and I'm glad I haven't yet

that's the impression
that I get¶