Original subtitles

[Jill] Previously on Kidding...

[Conan] Our next guest is celebrating

his 30th anniversary in children's television.

I had a son named Phil.

He died.

Will, we're finally getting new neighbors.

If Jill finds out you bought the house next to her,

she'll take Will and leave.

[Jeff] I saw Jill hugging another man.

[Seb] You mean fucking.

Please don't use a bad word when you can use a good word.

Are you and Dad getting divorced?

No. Why would you ask me that?

I think Scott might be gay.

I need to know, did you have sexual relations

with the Japanese version of your brother?

[Jill] I want you to know that you can

come by the house whenever you like.

[Jeff] Tonight? We could go for a walk.

Will's smoking reefer like a jazz musician.

You are breaking your father's heart with this shit.

[Jeff] I have a tremendous amount of pent-up anger.

And I know I dress like a Mormon

and I talk like a monk,

but inside, I'm Mount St. Helens

and it's 1980 and I am magma from the neck down.

[Peter] Thanks for trusting me with Will.

You wanna smoke a joint?

Do you think your dad's gonna kill

- your mom's new boyfriend? - [Will] No.

That wouldn't be nice.

[engine turning over]

♪ bright music ♪

♪♪♪

As long as I've known the both of you,

I have enjoyed watching

your shared and selfless language of kindness.

Yours is a chemistry

built on the mutual love of love itself

and the knowledge

that each of you contains the inner strength

to tackle every challenge together.

[guests] Aw.

To borrow a tradition I admire from another faith...

[laughs lightly]

May your love last as long as it takes

to put this glass back together.

This part always felt a little violent

for holy matrimony.

[laughter]

[exhales]

[sighs]

You have it in you.

I know it.

[whispering] Go on, Jeff, smash it.

[exhales]

I love you...

Jill Piccirillo.

- [guests murmuring] - [Jill] Gosh, I hope so,

after all that buildup.

[all chuckling]

- [thud] - [glass shatters]

[Peter] Ooh!

[engine shuts off]

[dog barking distantly]

[cell phone ringing]

[shakily] Hello?

[children] ♪ O, holy night ♪

♪ The stars are brightly ♪

♪ Shining ♪

♪ It is the night ♪

♪ Of our dear Savior's birth ♪

- ♪ Long lay the world ♪ - [car door chiming]

♪ In sin and error pining ♪

♪ Till He appeared ♪

♪ And the soul felt its worth... ♪

[Bobby] Mr. Pickles, this is Bobby Belongo

with the South Bend chapter of the Pickles Platoon.

I've got a bunch of rowdy Pickle Pals here

who wanted to serenade you on Christmas Eve.

My goodness...

what talent.

[children] ♪ A new and glorious morn ♪

[Bobby] And this is Danny.

Danny earned the most pickle points this year,

and as a reward, he gets to wish you good yule tidings

all by himself.

[Danny] Merry Christmas, Mr. Pickles.

Merry Christmas, Danny.

Have you been a good boy this year?

[children] ♪ ...voices ♪

♪ O, night-- ♪

[knock at door]

[exhales]

[rapid knocking]

He was on drugs.

Peter? [panting]

[whispering] Peter. [louder] Peter.

I'll call 911.

- [touch-tones beeping] - He's unresponsive.

- [line ringing] - Cervical spine's intact.

Multiple traumas to the chest and abdomen--tell them!

How many traumas is multiple traumas?

- Are you okay? - You talking to me?

Jeff, you were in a car accident.

Are you hurt?

No. Thank you for asking.

[recording] Please stay on the line.

Calls are answered in the order they are received.

It's Christmas Eve. You'll never get through.

- Is he dead? - We need to put him

- on some kind of stretcher. - [whispering] This my fault.

- I did this. - He took an Ambien.

Who knows what he was thinking?

He probably walked right in front of you

and didn't even realize it.

[muffled] Jeff, Jeff! Jeff!

If he's not on an operating table

in 20 minutes, he is going to bleed out.

I need you.

Help me.

[inhales] Is my toboggan still in the garage?

- ♪ hip-hop music ♪ - ♪ I'ma go, I'ma go ♪

♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it, yeah ♪

♪ I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go ♪

♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it, yeah ♪

♪ I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go ♪

♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it, yeah ♪

♪ I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go ♪

♪ I'ma go, I'ma go get it, yeah ♪

♪ I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go, I'ma go... ♪

I think we should see other people.

[sighs]

What else does he need?

He needs you to drive as fast as humanly possible!

[door thuds shut]

Don't do drugs!

[objects clattering, smashing]

[balloon sputters]

[engine turning over]

[tires squealing]

Hold on, Pete. We're gonna get ya help!

Yeah, yeah--

- [glass shatters] - [Jill screams]

- [Jeff] No! - [Jill shrieks]

Oh, it's just Santa!

- It's just Santa! - Okay.

- Oh! - Um, uh, hold on.

Just kick it!

- Kick it! - [grunts]

[horn honking]

[Jeff] I'm gonna call out the road,

and you're gonna repeat it back, okay?

- Okay. - Sharp left!

- Sharp left. Ah! - [horn honking]

- Gimme your hand! - Huh?

Gimme your hand. Gimme your hand.

Huh? What?

Keep your fingers gently on his neck.

I need you to register his pulse

so I can keep putting pressure on the bleeding.

- Pothole! - Pothole! Ow!

If you don't feel a pulse,

I need you to pull over so I can perform CPR!

We're almost there. Changing lanes!

[tires squealing]

[horn honking]

- Changing back! - Changing back!

[Jill] Fuck this fucking light!

What the fuck is up with this fucking light?

Hold on!

[horns honking]

[tires squealing]

Get me to the hospital. Get me to the hospital.

Get me to the hospital!

I'm gonna call out the road,

and you're gonna repeat it back to me.

- Mm. - Right turn.

- Right turn. - I can't hear you.

- Right turn! - [tires squealing]

[hiccupping] Oh!

[laughing] The twins are giving me the-the hiccups.

- [panting] - You're doin' great...

Mom.

[screaming] Please drive faster!

[Jeff] Okay!

[panting]

Oh...if Astronotter were here,

he'd tell you you need to take

a calming-down breath.

No, he'd say, "Me-me-meep, me-me-meep."

- [Jill panting] - [Jeff] Help us, please!

We need help!

Weak pulse, internal bleeding. He was on Ambien and pot.

- He walked into traffic. - [woman] Copy. Trauma one.

Code blue!

[indistinct P.A. announcement]

[cell phone clicks]

[Deirdre] So what your dad is trying to say is--

When two heterosexual people

reach a point in their relationship--

Did you get me everything on my Christmas list?

- Pretty much. - Almost, yeah.

- Cool. - A point in their relationship

when, uh, things are no longer feasible--

What's "feasible"?

It's a Japanese word for "exciting."

Hey, whatever happened to Mr. Pickles-san?

He went home.

He's probably in Guantanamo Bay.

What's that?

It's what your mom calls our bedroom.

- Nice. - [laughs]

When a marriage is no longer feasible,

a mutual decision is made--

Well, 60-40, if we're gonna be honest.

- [cell phone buzzing] - Hi.

I think I killed Peter.

- I gotta go. - [scoffs]

We're getting a divorce.

["Jingle Bells" playing over stereo]

Can I open another present?

Here, open this one.

Can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?

Don't throw it in the house.

♪♪♪

[whispering] I love you, ax.

[whispering] So then you tried to kill him?

[whispering] I didn't try to kill him.

I tried to hit him with my car.

Did anybody see you?

What did I do?

You got between your kid and drugs any way you could.

When Jill comes back, I'm gonna tell her everything.

- Why would you do that? - I think I'll feel better

- if she knew. - No, no.

You need to lie right now.

Under no circumstances

should you tell her what you did.

Or anyone.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to lie.

Think of it as a secret.

[normal voice] You're good at keeping secrets.

- Hmm. - Besides, if Peter dies,

there's no point in confessing.

Plus...she'll be single again, so that's good.

[normal voice] If I can't be honest with her, who am I?

I'm gonna tell her about buying the house too.

If you tell her what you did, you will lose her.

You'll lose Will. You'll lose everything.

There is nothing after that.

[indistinct P.A. announcement]

[sighs]

[whispering] Thank you for listening to me.

I'm gonna go find Jill.

[softly] Fuuuuuuck.

[Giggles] Did you see the way

he lowered that body into the trunk

like he'd been doing it his whole life?

Like he was a sniper during the Lesbianic Wars.

I hate him!

How long do you think

that he's been living in that house,

stalking his prey?

How close were you?

We were on the bed.

- Was there tongue? - I told her I loved her.

I touched her boob.

And then my dad killed a guy!

Cockblock.

Wait, why'd you tell her you loved her?

Are you not supposed to?

Seems extreme.

[rap music playing over radio]

Whatever. My mom is going to punch him in the dick

when I tell her that his shit was in the closet next door!

He's a straight-up killer.

I bet he pickles their bodies,

then serves them on a plate next to giant sandwiches.

Who would eat a pickled person?

Horses, man.

Horses.

Fuckin' sharks of the prairie, yo.

♪♪♪

I don't understand.

What is the fucking delay?

I'm sorry, we can't get him into surgery

until the anesthesiologist on call arrives.

We paged him, but he's not responding.

Peter is the anesthesiologist on call.

I'll find the surgeon.

Ohh!

Ohh!

[exhales]

[indistinct P.A. announcement]

I need to tell you a few things.

[sobs]

I have to call his family.

I've never met his family!

Do you know that Peter is a lapsed Mormon?

He has, like, a dozen siblings,

and they're all flight attendants

who work for the same airline.

He doesn't speak to his parents!

Now I have to call his Mormon mother on Jesus' birthday!

In the same sentence, I have to introduce myself

and give her the worst news of her life!

[whispering] I can call his parents.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I'm sorry he wandered into traffic

and ruined your Christmas.

[crying]

♪ tender music ♪

♪♪♪

Christmas isn't over yet.

[sighs] What did you wanna tell me?

[exhales]

[sighs]

I'll tell you later.

♪♪♪

[belches]

Sorry. I'm drunk.

[Dr. Hernandez] Jeff, Jill.

Hi, I'm Dr. Hernandez.

Uh, sorry I'm not in uniform.

I wasn't supposed to be working tonight.

Peter is in critical condition

but stable at this moment.

[Jeff and Jill sigh]

He's breathing on his own.

He did lose a lot of blood, though.

I'm a universal donor. Just say the word.

Thank you, but we're not there yet.

We'll know more in the morning.

For now, I think the best thing to do

is to go home and get some sleep.

- I'll call you personally. - Thank you, Doctor.

Hopefully he'll be up and talking by then.

Mm.

- [sighs] - Let me take you home.

[inhales]

[murmuring] Okay.

And you...

Ah...

♪ soft music ♪

♪♪♪

[wind howling]

[shivering]

♪♪♪

Ooh. [exhales]

[sighs]

Ohh!

[both exhale]

I...

Um...

♪ tense music ♪

Do you know that house next door?

It's, uh, same as ours, only backwards and empty.

[exhales]

When it was f-for sale--

Would you mind staying here...

with us tonight?

♪ soft music ♪

♪♪♪

Good night.

Night.

♪♪♪

♪ music brightens ♪

♪♪♪

[Jill] Hello.

Mrs. Zeckhauser, uh... [sniffles]

...um, you don't know me, but...

I'm your son Peter's, um...

friend.

♪ light music ♪

♪♪♪

Ho, ho, ho.

Here...comes...

- Santa Claus. - [squish]

♪♪♪

♪ choir singing indistinctly ♪

[baby crying]

♪♪♪

[crying continues]

♪ choir's singing grows louder ♪

♪♪♪

[crying continues]

♪♪♪

[crying continues]

Quick, wake the other one up,

and let's see if they'll harmonize.

♪♪♪

[cell phone chimes]

[sighs]

[Mr. Pickles] I am listening.

- [footsteps approaching] - I am listening.

Are you... looking for me?

No one left a plate of cookies for Santa.

[oven beeps]

[cookies sizzling softly]

[sniffs]

Mmm.

So...

did you tell your mom

about me buying the house next door?

Why did you buy it?

At the time, it seemed like...

a romantic gesture,

to be closer to you guys.

Because I love you guys.

That's why I've done...

everything I've done.

Were you ever a sniper in Lebanon...under Reagan?

I would have been 16.

Didn't answer the question.

Shit, that's molten lava.

You okay? Please don't use a bad word--

Wait.

Only use a bad word when no good word will do.

I'm not gonna tell Mom what you did.

I will.

It's important to be honest.

[exhales] I like seeing you two together

more than I like seeing you apart.

♪ Perry Como's "There is No Christmas ♪

♪ Like a Home Christmas" playing ♪

♪ There is no Christmas ♪

♪ Like a home Christmas ♪

♪ With your dad and mother ♪

♪ Sis and brother there ♪

♪♪♪

♪ With their hearts humming ♪

Fire in the hole!

♪ At your homecomin' and that merry...

What do you think?

Breakfast first... or presents?

I don't know.

I'm gonna call the hospital and check in.

But after that?

I'm not sure we have time.

There's always time for Christmas.

♪♪♪

I didn't really have time to go shopping last night,

so you're mostly getting things I found around the house.

This is for you.

[whispering] It's a lamp.

Ah, yes, this must have really set you back.

Bulbs too! Big spender.

Wait'll you see what I got for you.

♪ ...oh, that's the time of year ♪

♪ All roads lead home ♪

Cool! Is it a bicycle?

Did you peek?

- [laughs] - [dog whines]

♪♪♪

[roaring]

[munching]

♪ La, la, la, la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la, la, la ♪

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, merry, merry Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas bells, Christmas bells ♪

♪ Ringing loud and strong ♪

♪ Follow them, follow them ♪

♪ You've been away ♪

♪ Too long ♪

♪ Too long ♪

♪ There is no Christmas ♪

♪ Like a home-- ♪

[cell phone chiming]

- [chiming stops] - [Jill] Hello?

[door clicks open and shut]

Was it the hospital?

[Dr. Hernandez] Ma'am, your son suffered

blunt-force trauma to the lower abdomen,

resulting in a hepatic hemorrhage.

His liver's bleeding. They can't stop it.

Please let the doctor talk.

She's not family. Continue.

She's right.

He needs a new liver within two days,

or it will fail,

and then there's nothing we can do.

- What about a donor? - That's the next ask.

We could try a donor list,

but I'm afraid that won't work with our time frame.

Peter's best hope is in this room.

If you're a match and wish to donate

a healthy portion of your liver,

the risks are there, but it's, uh...

well, it's the only thing to do.

What constitutes a match?

We'll take you into a room, ask you some questions.

You'll need to have the same blood type

or be a universal donor.

- I'll volunteer. - Me too.

You'll need relatively the same body type and build.

Same gender is a big plus.

Hmm.

Looks like I fit the bill.

- Oh, thank you, Bart. - It's not an issue, Mom.

Jesus said to His disciples, "When you give," not if.

That's a very noble thing you're doing.

To think his first words to you after 15 years

will be "thank you." Mm.

I don't give for man's praise. I give for God's.

[Dr. Hernandez] Oh, and you cannot have had

an alcoholic beverage in the last 72 hours.

So if you'll follow me, we'll sign some papers

and get started.

Uh...I can't.

Every year after you go to bed,

Father plies us with a bottle of Hungarian pálinka.

We drink every drop.

We bury the empty bottles in the pet cemetery.

Well, now your brother's gonna die.

Lillian, I'm sure there's another viable candidate.

- Why are you still here? - Dad, what's pálinka?

Dad?

- [siren wailing] - ♪ quiet music ♪

♪♪♪

[horn honks]

[Jill] Jeff.

- [babies crying] - I think we dropped a hat.

Do you see it, a little blue and pink hat?

- [crying continues] - [Jill grunts]

Just leave the wheelchair on the curb.

Like a grocery cart.

Someone will come get it.

♪♪♪

Let's go home...Dad

♪♪♪

♪ purposeful music ♪

♪♪♪

If you move him to another hospital,

he's still going to need a liver.

Aren't you still married?

My husband and I are separated.

And isn't he also Mormon?

Common misconception.

Mm...

may I please speak to the two of you?

Is everything okay?

[exhales]

[laughs shortly]

Peter... [breathing shakily]

...didn't walk into traffic.

Uh...

I...

[sighs]

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪♪♪

...fucked up.

[breathing shakily]

♪♪♪

[no audible dialogue]

By the way,

we are really huge fans of your show.

[Dr. Hernandez] Before we can determine

your viability as a donor,

I need to ask you a few questions.

Why do you want to do this?

Because it's important to do the right thing.

- Are you a smoker? - No.

Do you take recreational drugs?

- No. - Not even pot?

No.

Ah. Ha.

And...when was the last time you had a drink?

♪♪♪

June 21, 2003.

That's amazing.

How do you know the exact date?

♪♪♪

It was the day I was married.

We're going to perform some additional tests

to confirm a match...

[voice fading] ...and get you into surgery

as soon as possible.

♪♪♪

[cell phone buzzing]

Hello?

[children] ♪ Hark! The herald angels sing ♪

♪ "Glory to the newborn King" ♪

- ♪ Peace on Earth... ♪ - [Dale] Mr. Pickles,

this is Lovetenant Dale Nukem

from the Austin, Texas, chapter

of the Pickles Platoon.

We wanted to wish you a happy holiday season

and a festive New Year.

Oh, my...

what talent!

[Dale] And this is Noah.

Noah earned the most pickle points this year

and gets to wish you a happy holidays all by himself.

[Noah] Happy holidays, Mr. Pickles.

Happy holidays, Noah.

Have you been a good boy this year?

[Noah] Have you been a good boy this year?

♪♪♪

[children] ♪ Christ, by highest ♪

♪ Heav'n adored ♪

♪ Christ, the everlasting Lord ♪

♪ Late in time, behold Him come ♪

♪ Offspring of the favored one ♪

♪ Veiled in flesh, the Godhead see ♪

♪ Hail the incarnate Deity ♪

♪ Pleased as man with man to dwell ♪

♪ Jesus, our Emmanuel ♪

♪ Hark! The herald angels sing ♪

♪ "Glory to the newborn King" ♪

♪♪♪