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**

**

* I eat filet mignons seven times a day *

* My bathtub's filled with Perrier *

* What can I say This is the life *

* I buy a dozen cars when I'm in the mood *

* I hire somebody to chew my food *

* I'm an upwardly mobile dude This is the life *

* They say that money corrupts you *

* But I can't really tell *

* I got the whole world at my feet *

* And I think it's pretty swell *

* I got women lined up outside my door *

* They've been waitin' there since a week before *

* Who could ask for more This is the life *

* Whaa da whaa da * * You're dead for a real long time *

* You just can't prevent it *

* So if money can't buy happiness *

* I guess I'll have to rent it *

* Yeah, every day I make the front page news *

* No time to pay my dues *

* I got a million pairs of shoes This is the life *

* That's right, I'm the king Number one *

* I buy monogrammed Kleenex by the ton *

* I pay the bills I call the shots *

* I grease the palms I buy the yachts *

* One thing I can guarantee *

* The best things in life they sure ain't free *

* It's such a thrill just to be me *

* This is the life *

* Ahh * * This is the life **

Anybody hungry?

Didn't think so. Just kidding.

Okay, fellas, food time.

Bert. Liver, no onions.

Here you go, Bertie. There you go.

And for dessert, there you go.

Connie, Mack, you kids wanted the tuna, hold the Mayo.

Lovely choice.

I'm not crazy about you two living together.

Marvin, you ordered the flounder.

I didn't like the way it looked,

so I prepared something special.

I think you're gonna like this.

And maybe not.

Okay, here we go.

- Polly, get that. - All right.

Kelly's pet shop. Polly speaking.

It's your mother, Johnny.

- Tell her to hold, would ya? - Hang on.

Thanks, pal. Hiya, Ma.

Uh-huh. I was just feeding the animals.

It's probably just the weather.

I wouldn't worry about it.

It will probably get better tomorrow.

If you wouldn't drink so much, the whole thing would clear up.

I'll see you later.

All right, come here. Hand it over.

What was that noise?

It was this little gadget here.

Prevents stealing. Stops guys like you.

Go ahead. Call the cops. Let's get this over with.

Ah, pretty tough, huh?

Tough enough.

Yeah? You like stealing?

Beats paying for it.

You think stealing makes you a big man?

Bigger than you... wearing an apron, feeding monkeys.

Ha ha ha. Sit down.

I'll tell you where stealing gets you.

Wake me when you're through.

I started out just like you. Must have been 25 years ago.

What's going on?

Don't worry. It'll end in a couple of minutes.

It always does this when I talk about the past. Anyway, it was 1910.

Times were good in America.

There was plenty of everything... Jobs, security, laughs.

America was in great shape,

except for President William Taft.

Was he a porker.

He weighed as much as Teddy Roosevelt and half of William McKinley.

Immigrants came from all over the world,

looking for a better life.

And over 97% of them...

settled in a two-block area of New York City.

There used to be a law called the McCoy Act of 1909.

It said immigrants wanting citizenship...

had to stay out of their apartments at least four hours a day...

and walk the streets with hats on.

Most immigrants didn't find the streets paved with gold.

Instead, they found hard times.

Nobody had it tougher than my mom, Mom Kelly.

She was kind and sweet.

She had a colorful way of putting things.

The Lower East Side... This really sucks.

- I was just starting out in business. - Hey, kid, you got a paper?

Hiya, Mom. Hiya, Johnny.

Your pancreas feeling better?

Don't worry about me.

Just keep yourself warm.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, God!

It's the worst July in years.

Go on upstairs.

After I sell these, we'll celebrate your birthday.

Ahh. You're my darling boy.

Hey, kid, paper here. Yeah.

All right. Tribune. Get your Tribune.

Get your Tribune.

Aah!

A lousy penny. Get your Tribune.

This is my corner.

Danny Vermin don't move for nobody, Kelly.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

It's okay, Officer. I can handle this myself.

Stop the car. I want to see this.

Yes, sir, Mr. Dundee.

Ha ha ha ha!

And no hard feelings.

You ain't seen the last of Danny Vermin.

Hey, kid, come here.

I like the way you handle yourself.

Thanks, mister.

Do you know who this man is?

I give up.

How'd you like to make $50?

Do I have to break the law?

If I broke the law,

it would be like breaking my mother's heart.

Okay, kid.

But if you change your mind,

I'll be at the Club 25.

Dr. Magnus. How's my mother?

It's her pancreas again.

She'll need an operation immediately.

How much will it cost?

$49.95. This week only.

Where can I get that much money?

Knock over a gas station.

Hiya, Tommy.

Hi, Johnny.

Hiya, Mom.

You're a sucker for a left.

Take a break.

I can't.

I'm a year behind on Mr. Stevenson's shirts.

There's a new law against washing on your birthday.

Gosh, Johnny, I really don't think that's a law.

You won't find it in your law books because I just made it up.

Look. He colored Oliver Wendell Holmes purple.

Isn't that something?

Only 6 years old.

Your poor father would have been proud.

He wanted you to be a lawyer.

He could have used one.

You'll make something of yourself, Tommy.

I'll see that you do.

No mother was ever blessed with two finer sons.

Happy birthday, Mom.

Bless the saints! An ashtray!

I been thinking of taking up smoking.

How does it feel to be 29?

I only hope I reach 30.

Are you all right, Mom?

I'll be fine. Go back to work.

Don't worry about me. I'll be all right.

She needs an operation.

If I broke the law, I'd break my mother's heart.

$49.95.

You want to make $50?

I just hope I reach 30.

I'll be at the Club 25.

Sorry, Mom. It's the only way.

No more nodding!

Place your bets, please.

Dundee's gang is here.

What's that bastige want, huh?

How's tricks, Moronie?

What are you doing here, icehole?

Can't a fellow enjoy a night out gambling?

Don't bullshty me. Search him.

We're clean. I don't bear no grudges,

even though you've been muscling in on my territory.

Why, Moronie?

It's a free country, icehole.

They're clean, boss.

You and the rest of your bastiges can gamble,

but don't try no fargin trick.

Otherwise, you'll wind up with your bells in a sling.

What a mouth on that guy!

Place your bets, please.

Place your bets.

Hey, kid.

Paper, mister?

Here you go.

Here you are, sir.

Thanks, kid.

Nobody move, and nobody will get hurt.

All we want is Moronie's money.

Go ahead, kid.

You fargin sneaky bastige!

I going to take your dwork!

I going to nail it to the wall!

I going to crush your boils in a meat grinder!

I cut off your arms!

I shove them up your icehole!

Dirty sum un a batch! My own club!

Mr. Dundee, watch out!

Lock the fargin door!

We got Dundee!

Get that lousy kid!

Oh!

Get that kid!

It's only a fargin kid!

Get him!

Give me a gun! Give me a gun!

Next shooter.

Kid's like a monkey. Get him!

It's a fargin kid! Get him!

Hell of an anniversary, Lou.

I don't believe you guys! Get him or you all fired!

No, no, no!

Permesso.

Say your prayers, icehole.

Oh!

Hold it.

Why, you miserable corksucker!

I gonna get you for this.

Roman Moronie never forget a fargin face, kid.

I'll get you.

You okay, boss?

Yeah. Thanks to this kid and this.

Thanks a lot, kid.

From now on, you're my boy.

Yeah, kid, you really live dangerously.

By the way, what's your name? Johnny.

Johnny... Johnny Dangerously.

I should've never picked that name.

A name like that you got to live up to.

Act tough. Put up a front.

I got into a lot of fights.

What's your last name? Binderhoff.

Don't ever change that name.

You'll stay out of trouble.

Anyway, Mom got better.

I didn't do any more jobs for the Dundee gang.

I grew up your average, poverty-stricken teenager,

thinking about girls, my hair, girls.

I've never seen anyone dance like that.

Hi, Dr. Magnus. How's my mother?

It's her thyroid, Johnny. What's wrong?

We can't find it. We're gonna have to do a thyroid search.

How much is that? You're in luck. This week, a special... $999.

$999?

Talk about bad luck.

There was only one place I could get that much money.

So I joined the Jocko Dundee mob full-time.

Jocko was still at war with Roman Moronie.

The years didn't soften Moronie. He continued to murder the English language...

and anyone who got in his way.

Moronie had rules for his gang.

First, never park in his private space.

The Dundee gang was more fun.

We did illegal things,

but we never bothered the public.

Every Christmas, Jocko returned some cash to the community.

Every chance I got,

I returned to the old neighborhood.

They looked up to me there like I was a folk hero.

"I love Johnny" T-shirts. I love Johnny!

Johnny, can I follow in your footsteps?

Sure, kid. Here. It's burning a hole in my pocket.

Look, Rosie, it's Johnny Dangerously.

Mrs. Zimmer, everybody, over here.

What did I tell you neighborhood people?

Around here, you're Johnny Kelly,

a law-abiding nightclub owner,

not the notorious gangster, Johnny Dangerously.

Sure, and I'm the pope.

Hey, Pope. How'd you know?

Johnny, everybody knows except your mother and your brother.

And as far as we're concerned,

nobody will say nothing.

Thanks, Your Holiness.

Build yourself a new gym at the Vatican.

Ho ho ho ho!

Oh!

Ah, bless you, Johnny.

Johnny!

Hiya, Ma.

How's my best girl?

Watch that left, Ma.

I love him, but someday I'm going to knock him on his ass.

What you cooking, Ma?

Beer.

With noodles.

Great idea.

So, Ma, what's new?

Me arthritis, that's new.

One of the muscles in me calf is shriveling up.

Also, I'm losing sensation on the left side of me face,

which I think is the beginning of a neurological disorder.

The rest of me is in the pink.

You got to take better care of yourself.

I don't want you doing other people's laundry.

What are you sayin', give up me career?

Maybe you ought to retire.

Enjoy the golden years, Ma.

Not do this.

Son, I couldn't consider retiring,

not so long as I can still give good laundry.

Where's Tommy?

Don't be talking to me about Tommy.

Why not?

Because I'm leaving law school.

If this is some joke, I ain't laughing.

I'm dropping out of law school so Sally and I can be married. You can't change my mind.

Do you want this, Sally?

I want whatever Tommy wants.

He makes the decisions.

Sally's place is in the home.

I intend to support her.

I'll do anything... shine boots, drive a hack, blow glass, anything.

Johnny, talk sense to him.

Can't you see you're breaking your mother's heart?

Why, Tommy?

I can't say it in front of mom.

Okay. I got some business to take care of.

You meet me at my place... Oh, 10:00, all right?

All right. You little muskrat.

I'll see you, Sally. Good-bye.

Ma, don't worry. I'll straighten everything out.

Hey, Ma, what's this in your ear?

$100?

What can't you say in front of mom?

Nothing, Mom.

I know what you can't say. You want to get laid.

Mom! You want to hump your brains out.

Ba-boom! Ba-boom! Ba-boom! Ba-boom!

Morning, Pat.

Morning, Johnny.

How's your dear mother?

Much better. Thanks for asking.

She's such a wonderful woman.

Yes, she is.

She's got the smile of an angel.

* I love all the many charms about you *

* Above all, I want my arms about you *

* Don't be a naughty baby *

* Come to mama, do *

* My sweet embraceable *

* You **

Oh, Johnny! Johnny's here!

Johnny!

Johnny, want to be my first? It's my turn.

I'm not wearing a bra.

That makes two of us.

I'm a real blonde.

Check it out Thursday.

How do you do it? Mutual respect.

Hey, who's the nightingale?

Some dame.

She flew in from Pittsburgh.

Say, kid.

What do they call you?

Impressive.

Her name is Lil Sheridan.

Thanks.

Lil Sheridan, huh?

My name's Dangerously, Johnny Dangerously.

Do you know your last name's an adverb?

Hey, I like that.

You got spirit, spunk, fire, verve.

You got those.

I like those on a woman.

Gee. My heart's all a-flutter.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you take my card?

Enjoying yourself?

You call me tomorrow.

Don't be upset when you don't hear the phone ringing.

Suit yourself.

I hope this is helping your morale.

That's the first time...

I had to take that card back.

I kind of like it.

I'll be seeing you.

Does the word "smitten" mean anything to anybody?

Hey, Johnny.

Hiya, Johnny.

Hiya, Vito.

Better cut down on that pasta, pal.

I'm starting the Cambridge diet on Monday.

Why are you so happy?

I just met an angel. An absolute angel.

You met Lil, huh?

Sure did, Mr. Dundee.

You see this card?

This card has been to paradise.

Johnny's in love.

You remind me of me and the wife 20 years ago.

Of course, Mae never looked like Lil.

Now she looks like him.

But what am I, a beauty?

Dames are put on this Earth to weaken us, drain our energy,

laugh at us when they see us naked.

Johnny, meet two new members of the gang,

Danny Vermin and Dutch.

Hello, Johnny.

Hiya, Danny.

Danny and I used to fight.

What happened to you?

I fulfilled a lot of predictions.

I've become a scumbag.

Good, Danny.

Many people never realize what they want to be.

Delivery for Jocko Dundee.

There's some postage due,

but I'll take care of it.

No problem.

What's this?

He sent a robot.

"Dear bastiges, I hope I got some of you.

"If not, I'll get you when I take over the Club 25.

Love and kisses, Roman Moronie."

We got to stop him.

I got something to stop him.

They made it for him special.

It's an .88 magnum.

It shoots through schools.

Vermin, you got too much sugar in your diet.

Put the gun away.

Maybe I will and maybe I won't.

Stash the rod, Danny.

You shouldn't grab me, Johnny.

My mother grabbed me once.

Once.

What will you do, Johnny?

I'll think of something.

Something clever. Something unexpected.

Something subtle.

This club is too fargin small.

How big was the crowd last night?

Packed. We had to turn them away.

That's what I mean. We got to expand this fargin place.

Knock down that wall, knock down that wall,

and knock down that fargin wall.

Now I'm really angry!

This is fargin war!

You must be Tommy.

Uh... Come in.

Johnny's expecting you.

Follow me.

Hello, Tommy.

Oh!

Tommy, hey.

Have a seat there, you little muskrat.

So, Tom...

what's this bull fertilizer about you quitting law school?

I haven't got the tits for it.

I mean, the heart.

Tommy, I want you to pay attention.

I don't understand. You're tops in your class.

You made the Law Review. Why get married now?

Because if I don't get laid, I'll die.

Laid! That's what this thing's about?

I thought it was something serious.

It is serious.

I've tried going to bad girls,

but I'm too clean-cut.

How do you get laid in 1930?

Do you think this is fun?

Do you think this is a picnic?

This is a bad habit.

It's like drinking coffee.

If I could quit, I would.

Come in here, Tom.

I want to talk to you.

This is the most important reason...

why you should wait.

I want to show you something,

something I think just might open your eyes.

**

Your testicles and you.

Take a good look.

These are the unlucky ones.

These unfortunate souls are suffering from E.S.S...

Enlarged scrotum syndrome.

For these poor devils, it's too late.

But there is hope.

Here, at the Atlanta Genital Institute,

doctors are at work around the clock...

to cure this dreaded affliction.

Hi. I'm Dr. Zillman,

and I'd like to talk to you about your testes.

The human testicle is not unlike a balloon.

Sometimes it is empty, and sometimes...

it is full.

And sometimes,

it can explode.

This may help you understand.

Just remember that your testicles,

when treated with love and care,

will give you years of maintenance-free service.

But if abused, well...

the inevitable conclusion.

So next time, do the smart thing.

Don't let anything come between your testicles and you.

Thank you.

Where are you going?

Back to law school.

**

Let's hear it for the band.

Johnny, great to see you.

I got an announcement to make.

When I die, hopefully in my bed...

I want to go knowing that the Jocko Dundee mob...

will continue with the traditions,

with the high standards,

that made us the New York Yankees of crime.

For that reason,

I'm naming as my successor...

Johnny Dangerously.

I want you to give a warm welcome...

to a shy, retiring little lady...

who's come to us...

from a convent school in Pittsburgh,

Lil Sheridan.

* Over my undies trimmed in lace *

* I slip on my black silk disgrace *

* Cut so low, they'll raid the place *

* I wanna dress dangerously *

Yeah! * I need to be reckless *

* I need to be daring *

* I need to take chances and tempt my fate *

* I need to be foolish *

* Need to be crazy *

* Before it's too late and I'm out of date *

* I'll feed you sizzling steak and bootleg gin *

* And chocolate cake till it's a sin *

* We'll work it off and keep you thin *

* I wanna eat dangerously *

Woo!

* Sizzlin', Sss *

* Cheers *

* I wanna *

* Dangerously *

* I need to be reckless *

* I need to be daring *

* I need to take chances and tempt my fate *

* I need to be foolish *

* Need to be crazy *

* Before it's too late and I'm out of date *

* I'm just a slave to my desire *

* And not afraid to play with fire *

* I'll fan your flame and get it higher *

* I wanna live dangerously *

* I wanna eat *

* Dangerously *

* I wanna love *

* Dangerously **

There's Johnny.

Oh, he's so cute!

You're holding up traffic.

I figure that song you sang...

gave me the green light.

You're off red,

but you're still on amber.

I hope that light changes soon...

because my motor's running.

Be careful you don't overheat.

I'll tell you one thing.

What's that?

You sure can banter.

Then I decided to leave Pittsburgh and come here to Chicago.

Uh, Lil? Yeah?

This ain't Chicago. We're in New York.

You're kidding.

Well, New York, Chicago...

to a girl on her own, it's all the same.

I figured mom and dad...

didn't need me around anymore,

not with 14 mouths to feed.

Your folks had 14 kids?

They ran a kennel.

What about your folks?

My mother raised us herself.

I never knew my father or uncle.

I kind of knew my grandmother.

Didn't know my grandfather.

Never knew any of my cousins.

Any pets?

We had a dog.

He ran away when I was a kid.

Never knew him.

Where the hell are we?

Johnny, I'm falling in a big way.

You got company, kid.

Where will we land?

When we do, will our hearts break?

There are answers to these questions,

but first...

Sounds like Johnny's getting laid.

Moronie was still on the warpath.

Even getting to work was an adventure.

Be careful.

There's not a bullet out there with my name on it.

I couldn't stand it if something happened to you.

Neither could I.

One hippopotamus,

two hippopotamus,

three hippopotamus.

Go!

Wait!

Get him.

Morning, Johnny.

How's your precious mother?

Hee hee!

Whew. You been out there today?

Pretty rough?

Not as bad as yesterday.

You'll feel better if you have a cookie.

Thanks.

All fixed, Mr. Dundee.

Thanks, pal.

Who's that guy?

The plumber.

My bathroom drain was stuck.

Where's all this gangland warfare getting us, anyway?

I want Moronie,

and I'm not going to rest until I get him.

Or until he gets you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ow.

Relax, Johnny. Relax.

Come on.

Heh heh heh!

A year from now, we'll look back on all this...

and we're gonna have one big laugh.

Oh, boy.

I really had to wee-wee.

That's funny.

This bathroom drain was never stuck before.

Mr. Dundee!

Wait!

Have you got the number of that other plumber?

Mr. Dundee...

Aah! Oh, my God!

Moronie, what have you done to me?

Now look, calm down.

Why go on living?

Don't panic.

Calm down?

I have my dork in my hand!

It's not your dork. Look.

Thank God.

It's just the chain handle.

Sure.

Freddy, you're still here,

you little baldheaded beauty.

I thought I lost you.

Johnny, this is a sign from above.

You okay, boss?

Johnny,

I'm retiring before it's too late.

You remember this?

Take it. You're the boss now.

Oh, no.

I'm not ready for the responsibility.

I'm ready. Forget it, Vermin.

I was on top.

Moronie and I had a truce.

Lil and I were going strong.

And Ma, between occasional transplants and bypasses,

her health was improving.

I was on top of the world.

Great story, pops. So long.

Wait. I'm getting to the sad part.

Everything else in my life was going so well.

I was about to face my greatest challenge.

Tommy, we're so proud of you.

We sure are, kid.

I owe it all to you, Johnny.

This calls for a picture.

Wait. I'll get me camera.

Hold this.

Where the hell is that camera?

Tommy, I want you to have something.

"Kimball, Pritchert, and Williston?"

Biggest law firm in the city.

Call them. You'll find them receptive.

Thanks, Johnny, but I've already decided.

You'll be proud of me.

I'm joining the District Attorney's office.

Johnny, I'm going to dedicate my life...

to fighting crime.

Isn't that great?

My brother, who I put through law school,

is gonna be fighting...

Crime. Crime.

Mom, it's prohibition.

Stop acting like a fag choir boy.

Here.

To me two darling sons,

one a famous nightclub owner,

the other a crime fighter.

With a father like Killer Kelly,

it's a miracle neither of you...

became a piece-of-shit criminal.

Maybe she was right. I decided to go legit.

Then I got more bad news about mom.

About your mom, John. What is it? How much?

A blocked salivary gland... $7,500.

Go ahead.

It'll be good seeing her spit again.

I returned to crime.

Since I had the district attorney on our payroll,

I wasn't worried about Tommy.

I'm the new Assistant D.A.

I'm ready to join the war against crime.

The boss in?

In there.

Hi. Tommy Kelly reporting for work, sir.

Welcome to the team.

I'm proud to be on any team whose adversary is crime.

That's just what I wanted to hear.

That's why we scout law schools for young idealists.

But why not ease into the job?

Take a little vacation.

A vacation? But what about crime?

It'll be here when you get back.

That's the trouble.

Crime will always be here...

unless something is done about it.

But Tommy didn't go on vacation.

He became a tireless crime fighter.

He fought crime in the newspapers.

He attacked it on the radio.

He arrested every criminal in town.

Then he turned his sights on my enemy, Moronie.

That Roman Troy Moronie is responsible for the Mother's Day massacre,

the Christmas Day slaughter,

the Lincoln's Birthday mutilation,

and the Groundhog's Day beheadings.

My client wants to read a prepared statement.

Go ahead.

I would like to direct this...

to the distinguished members of the panel.

"You lousy corksuckers.

"You have violated my fargin rights.

"This sum un om botching country...

"was founded so that the liberties...

"of common patriotic citizens like me...

"could not be taken away...

"by a bunch of fargin iceholes...

like yourselves."

Thank you very much.

What do you know about Benny the Hump,

Roland Carpiti, and Izzy the Nose mean to you?

Don't mean a thing.

Recognize this?

No.

Your fingerprints are on this gun,

which was used to kill everyone...

in a building at 110 East 40th Street.

Where do you get that?

If a train left New York at 300 miles per hour,

accelerated speed 15 miles per hour,

and traveled a distance of 683 miles,

what time would that train reach Chicago?

That's a fargin silly question!

When, sir? When would that train reach Chicago?

This... this weed of crime that threatens to grow unchecked...

and choke off this beautiful flower...

which is our free, democratic society...

I never thought this radio stunt would catch on.

The public sees him as a knight in shining armor.

This goes through armor, through the victim,

through the wall, through a tree outside...

Relax. Kelly has nothing on us.

Maybe we should wait till he does, huh?

We kill Kelly and we'll have trouble.

If Jocko was in charge, Kelly would have cement loafers.

I'm in charge, not Jocko.

Got it?

Talk sense to the kid.

Get him to play ball.

We'll appeal to his more practical side.

While you're at it, buy yourself a second home.

Thanks, Johnny.

Sure.

This gang's getting soft.

By letting Kelly take us apart,

we've become laughingstocks of the underworld.

I'm embarrassed to tell people what I do.

I say I'm a barber. I told somebody I was a male nurse.

I'm ashamed to admit I'm a criminal.

We got to do something about this.

You fellas really disappoint me.

Look around. What do you see?

I'll tell you what I see.

I see some guys doing pretty good.

Manny, you got a sauna?

Yeah, I got a sauna.

All right.

Ollie, don't you send your mother...

to Norway every summer?

Yeah, Johnny.

Vito, how many hats do you own?

Upwards around 180.

180 hats. That's a lot of hats.

Yeah.

You never told me that.

Tell me another gang that's got a dental plan.

You know why we're so successful?

Why, Johnny?

Because we're diversified.

Diversification, yes, sir.

We're constantly exploring new areas of crime.

We better because there's Japanese gangs...

that will do it faster and cheaper.

There's so much out there.

You can find something you like.

I like what I'm doing now.

I enjoy giving whores work,

loan sharking, planting bombs.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Sick. Dumb-ass.

You missed, fuck face.

All right, Vermin.

You're not getting that back till you've matured.

Aren't we touchy, Johnny?

Something going on between you and Kelly?

Don't hang me on a hook.

My father hung me on a hook once.

Once.

Come on, boys, I'm buying.

Now you're talking.

Hang in there, Vermin.

There's something fishy with Johnny and that D.A.

I'm gonna find out what it is.

I've got enough evidence to put Johnny Dangerously where he belongs.

We don't even know such a man exists.

Until now.

Sir, I have got conclusive evidence...

Notarized depositions, tire prints, blood samples.

I've got eyewitness accounts,

murder weapons, fingerprints, recordings.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it, kid.

It's flimsy. It's not enough.

It'll never hold up, not in a court of law.

Let's put this aside.

We're here to socialize, not talk shop.

Had enough milk-fed veal, Tommy?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Can we get back to this damaging evidence on Johnny Dangerously?

No.

Tonight, I want to talk about...

Tommy Kelly and his future.

You're engaged, aren't you?

Yes, to a fine and decent girl.

We plan to marry soon.

As soon as you can afford it.

We'll manage.

Oh, I'm sure you will.

But a little help can't hurt.

Let me show you something.

It's time to play ball!

Let's see what's in store for Tommy Kelly...

if he plays ball.

In a hurry, Sally?

Use this time-saving microflame oven.

Cook a turkey in under a day.

In a rut, Tom? Get away!

Take a trip around the world on us, twice, aboard the...

S.S. Kelly.

And when you return,

move into your own little love nest.

Plenty of extra closet space.

Perfect for entertaining.

And on those chilly winter nights,

Sally can wrap herself up in this number.

And on those hot summer nights,

Sally can wrap herself up in ice.

It's all yours, if you play ball.

What do you say?

I say I'll see you behind bars.

What's up?

He didn't go for it. What now?

I'll ask Johnny.

Johnny, what will you do about Kelly?

"Kill him." He says kill him.

I thought he'd feel that way, so I've taken care of it.

**

* I'm a sentimental sap, that's all *

* What's the use of trying not to fall *

* I have no will, you've made your kill *

* 'Cause you took advantage of me *

* I'm just like an apple on a bough *

* And you're going to shake me down somehow *

* So what's the use She cooked my goose *

* When she took advantage of me **

Oh, my God!

Whoa!

Aahhh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Which one's Tommy?

Got me.

Dr. Michael Hertzberg to surgery.

This is him.

He's got his father's eyes.

Give me a pen.

In case they move him.

Hey, Ma. Is he going to...

I mean, will he...

Croak? No.

Dr. Kaplan says he's going to be fine.

We Kellys are tough.

What happened?

His brakes failed leaving the D.A.'s.

His brakes?

I smell a rat.

Get yourself a cab, Ma.

I got a little business to attend to.

Dr. Hugo Carey, emergency.

This is very nice, although unexpected.

Well, Winston, you been on the take from us all these years.

Just my way of saying thanks.

That's real generous.

You know...

you've always seemed to me...

to be more sensitive than the rest.

We should spend some time together,

say two weeks in Puerto Rico.

It's a thought. It's a thought.

I picked something up for you.

John... John.

A smoking jacket.

Red.

My favorite color.

Oh.

Mmm! Tasty.

What is this we're drinking?

Uh... read the label.

I got to make a call.

Malt liquor. Hmm.

Aah!

Yo!

My God.

My God, I can see. I can see!

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Johnny, you're early.

That's all right, isn't it?

You never missed before. Is something wrong?

Oh, hi, Johnny.

Hi, Mrs. Capone.

Could I borrow a cup of bullets?

We're a little low.

Al will be pissed.

Maybe Al's gonna have to stay home tonight.

Gee.

You weren't very nice to her.

Oh, no?

When's somebody going to be nice to Johnny Dangerously?

Look. My own brother's out to get me.

That psycho Vermin's out to get him. The gang's getting antsy,

and the Crime Commission is breathing down my neck.

I hope that's for a small grownup.

Nah. Just wishful thinking.

Ah, maybe someday, kid.

When, Johnny?

When are we going to stop running and start living?

With Sally and Tommy getting hitched tomorrow,

it got me thinking.

I got an old-fashioned streak.

I want a normal life.

Johnny Dangerously can't live a normal life.

It ain't in the cards.

People like me, we're like shooting stars.

We cross the sky, burning hot for one moment,

and then we plunge to Earth, disappear.

Jesus Christ. I'm starting to upset myself.

Johnny, it doesn't have to be that way.

We can change.

I don't know, Lil.

Dare we dream?

Yeah.

Hanging curtains,

ironing shirts.

Yeah. Car pools, PTA.

Sharing a casserole recipe.

Putting up shelf paper.

Johnny, I love shelf paper.

A little house, white picket fence.

Kids and dogs in the yard.

Saying hi to a neighbor named Fred.

Maybe there is a rainbow for us out there.

Sure, me and Lil had dreams.

But when you're in crime, kid, dreams don't always come true.

Follow him.

Park it in this slot here.

It's for the handicapped.

I am handicapped. I'm psychotic.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

You're like a daughter to me.

I want to share something with you.

What's that?

I go both ways.

Oh.

I'm glad we waited.

Yes.

I can't wait anymore.

Okay, where?

Some place real close.

Tommy's excited, but does he know about foreplay?

He'll figure it out.

When will you follow your brother's example, Johnny Kelly?

Brothers. Ha ha ha!

I knew there was something.

Oh, leave your face right there.

How do you like that?

Johnny Dangerously is Tommy Kelly's brother.

What?

Dangerously is the D.A.'s brother.

Ha ha ha!

That's it? You little shit!

* Say hello to Jesus *

* Take Mr. Jesus by the hand **

Hallelujah!

We were waiting in the car.

I wondered what happened to my brother.

I'm Johnny Kelly's brother, not Johnny Dangerously's.

Just a matter of time, wasn't it, kid?

Listen. Just don't tell Ma.

When I put you behind bars,

your picture will be in every newspaper in this country!

Why, Johnny? Why?

Maybe it's because that dealer in the sky shuffles the cards...

and we just play what we're dealt.

It's against the law to gamble!

Christ.

I took an oath to fight crime.

I can't go against my brother.

We'll settle this with our fists.

Whoa! Wait a minute!

You can't fight me. I'm too good.

I'll take my chances.

Okay.

I win, you quit.

You win, I quit.

All right.

Johnny, take a dive.

Oh!

I didn't know you packed such a wallop.

All right, Tom, you win.

I'm going legit.

Gee, thanks, Johnny.

Hey!

All right!

This time, I really was going legit.

All I had to do was make the gang understand.

Who did that?

Aw, sorry. Did I get you?

You ruined the jacket.

Aw! See?

When will we tell the boys about Johnny?

As soon as he gets here. I wanna see the look on his face.

You're not doing yourself any good.

And for you kids out there who are thinking about smoking,

don't start.

And if you started, stop.

Smoking don't make you look tough.

It makes you look stupid.

Put chewing gum in your mouth instead.

That's what Johnny does.

Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body.

Huh uh ya!

See?

Hey, Johnny, let's have it.

I'll be late for target practice.

There's an opera letting out.

All right.

- Johnny Dangerously's going legit. - Le what?

Legit. Le why?

Because Johnny Dangerously is Johnny Kelly,

D.A. Tommy Kelly's brother.

Johnny, is this true?

I don't know how to react.

Yeah, kid, it is true.

Tommy Kelly is my brother.

I'm proud of him.

Sure. You worked with him,

helping him in his career.

Now that he's on top,

you're running out on us.

You don't care about crime.

That's right.

I don't care about crime?

I've been devoted to crime since I was 12.

I think we ought to enjoy what we got.

We got plenty.

I'm closing this store for good.

Well, I'm reopening it under new management.

Oh, no, you're not.

You don't have the keys, and I do.

I'm giving them to the crime commissioner.

And us with them, huh?

I knew it. He's turning squealer.

You know,

I'm bored with slapping you around.

Bores me.

Don't worry, fellas.

You guys are in the clear.

It's me they're after.

Dirty Jew, shanty nigger, white trash bastard!

Go ahead! Walk all over the little beggar!

Commissioner,

there's the evidence against me, just like I promised.

Use it. I'm ready to pay my debt.

Hey,

how about a thank you?

Hey, how about me getting out of here?

Hey, how about me getting knocked out?

Hey, Johnny, I'd love to stick around, see how this turns out,

but I got a store to open.

Ha ha ha!

You lousy Wop, Slovak, Chink, Jap,

Polack, Kraut, fags!

Hiya, doll. What's your name?

Mary Margaret Katherine Danine.

How'd you like to make some money?

One at a time or together?

How much to clean 708 and forget you saw us?

$17,000.

All right, 17 grand it is.

Forget we ever gave you this money.

What money?

That-a girl.

Johnny! Johnny!

One at a time, boys.

Did you do it?

You know better than to ask that.

Explain the gun.

I been framed like the Mona Lisa.

Why were you seeing the commissioner?

I was going legit.

Le what?

Legit. As in legitimate.

Oh. Oh.

How about a picture?

Sure. It's the first picture of Johnny Dangerously,

so make it a good one.

Great.

Thanks.

All right. Thank you.

Empty your pockets, Johnny.

Wait a minute.

I can't find my cigarette case.

Maybe it's in another suit.

I don't think...

Your car. No.

Maybe it's on the sink.

No. It's my good luck piece.

Whoever has it bumped off the commissioner.

Excuse me.

Johnny, I brought your bail money.

I hate to disappoint you.

Johnny's being held without bail.

By whose orders?

The man who's prosecuting...

The D.A. himself.

This is what you call going legit?

I swear, I been set up.

Find the cigarette case, you'll find the murderer.

There are a million cigarette cases.

Only one has a bullet dent and smells like gum.

Don't say anything until you get a lawyer.

I can handle my own brother.

You and he...

Me and him's brothers.

We were brothers.

Brothers!

Hey, wait, I'll go!

Get out of my way!

Yo!

Is that the city edition?

What?

I said, is that the city edition?

Oh, no.

Son of a bitch.

Now I'm deaf!

He's guilty.

He's guilty.

Guilty.

Aah!

Mrs. Kelly.

Get me from me best side.

Got anything to say?

I got mixed feelings...

Thrilled for Tommy, sad for Johnny.

Mr. Kelly.

No comment.

This is the toughest thing I've ever done.

Nice work, Mr. D.A.

My name is Danny Vermin.

I was associated with your brother.

Thank you for sending him to the hot seat.

Ha ha ha!

Watch. Johnny taught me this.

Aah!

You shouldn't kick me in the balls.

My sister kicked me in the balls once.

Look, Mom.

It's Johnny's cigarette case.

The one he was talking about.

Give me that.

It's my brother's cigarette case.

Johnny didn't do it.

I'll get you, Vermin,

if it's the last thing I do.

It just might be, Mr. D.A.

Johnny ain't guilty,

and you sent him to the big house.

Johnny, it's an honor to have you on death row.

Don't be silly. The pleasure's all mine.

Hi, Pop. Still here, huh? You bet.

Tough break. John.

How the hell are you?

You're beautiful, Johnny.

Why don't you get the boys some quiche?

There you go.

Es spiritus sanctum.

Johnny, this is one of our best guards, Tony.

Hiya, Tony. How are you?

You took a shot at me once.

I never forget a gun.

Are we going to do this or what?

There's nothing left. Look.

Finest metal.

I keep telling you, Howard, the boy needs a role model.

Rocky, I'm so horny.

Oh, Johnny, Vermin's turning the place into a dive.

And Johnny...

Don't tell me. He put in a salad bar.

He's making a play for me.

Wait a minute. That's just what we want.

I got to prove he framed me.

Lil, play up to him.

But, Johnny... No "buts." Keep your eyes and ears open.

The first thing you hear, get it to me on the grapevine.

Got it. That-a girl.

Come here.

Next time, I'll bring a can opener.

Good idea. Come here.

Yo!

I can hear again and I can see.

I can hear again and I can see!

But who am I?

Tommy, please eat something.

I not gonna eat until I've saved my brother.

Keep up the good work, Governor Kelly.

So it's governor?

Just cheap talk, Mom.

Anybody that would send his brother to the hot seat gets my vote.

Mom! I'm trying to prove Johnny's innocence.

If I leave things to you,

Johnny will fry like his father.

Your old mom just might have something for you tonight.

Who is it?

Open up. It's Ma Kelly.

What do you want? I gotta talk to you.

We have nothing to say to each other.

We got a lot to say. We got a lot in common.

We both scrub floors,

we're both swell lookers,

and we're not Chinese.

You been doing your homework.

What do you want?

- How much do you want to tell the truth? - $19,500.

Boy, am I having a good year!

What's the matter, you got no manners?

Send me a bill for the door. You don't even wait for the body to get cold.

I go where the action is.

Where's your mom? You send her up the river too?

What do you want, Mr. D.A.?

And make it quick, huh?

I have a subpoena for you.

What for? You ain't got a thing on me.

Does the name Mary Margaret Katherine Danine strike a familiar chord?

I'm tone deaf.

Too bad. She's singing like a canary.

We got her in her own cage.

I'm going to enjoy sending you to the chair.

Come on, boys. I don't like the smell here.

That cleaning dame will spill her guts.

We can't get to her.

But we can get to him.

How, boss?

Don't you listen to the radio?

The governor and D.A. Tommy Kelly...

will attend the premiere of the new James Cagney movie tomorrow night.

Should be clear skies as the governor and D.A. Tommy Kelly...

attend the new James Cagney movie.

Which theater?

The Savoy, on 37th.

It will be like shooting ducks in a pond.

Once we knock the D.A. off,

that cleaning dame will clam up just fine.

Get this to Johnny on the grapevine.

Vermin's going to kill Johnny's brother...

at the Savoy Theater tomorrow night.

Got it? Got it.

Vermin's going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy Theater.

Pass it on.

Vermin's going to kill Johnny's brother.

Vermin's going to kill Johnny's mother.

Vermin's mother is going to kill Johnny.

Urgent message through the grapevine.

Yeah? What is it?

Johnny and the mothers are playin' "Stompin" at the Savoy in Vermont.

Vermin's going to kill my brother at the Savoy?

I didn't say that.

I know this grapevine.

I got to get out of here.

Guard!

Come here.

Yeah?

Smell that food. I think it's rotten.

What's all this about, Johnny?

I can't take it, Warden!

Send me to the chair tonight!

The waiting's driving me crazy!

You still got two weeks.

I don't want them! Fry me tonight!

Anything for you.

We'll bump Steinberg.

Dangerously will go to the chair tonight.

Everyone who is anyone is here tonight,

including Mr. Crimefighter, District Attorney Tommy Kelly.

They're talking about you as our next governor.

That's very nice,

but all I'm concerned about...

is proving my brother's innocence.

Johnny, if you're listening, I love you.

Your turn, Johnny.

The priest you requested has arrived.

Are you ready, my son?

I'm ready if you are, Father.

Dominus obiscum, Nabisco.

Espiritus sanctum.

They gustovus... So long, Johnny.

Me gustovus, you gustovus.

We miss the bus, they miss the bus.

Be brave, Johnny.

When's the next bus?

Sum cum laude, magnum cum laude,

the radio's still laude.

Good luck, Johnny.

Semper fidelus, high fidelus.

Why didn't I take shop?

Post meridian, antimeridian, Uncle Meridian, all the little meridians.

Good-bye, Johnny. Good-bye, Rock.

The Magna Carta, Master Charga...

Spit in his eye, Johnny.

Dumpro kelus, lots of Vitalis. You bet, Rabbi.

Do you have any last words, Johnny?

Well said.

Okay, Warden. This is where we say good-bye.

You weren't really going to kill me, were you?

What, with this?

Calling all cars.

Johnny Dangerously has just escaped from state prison.

Could I have a popcorn, a Milk Duds, and a white fish?

When we going to give it to him?

Just when Cagney gets his in the movie,

a few minutes from now.

Calling all cars. Calling all cars.

Be on the lookout for Johnny Dangerously...

and two accomplices in a black sedan.

I repeat, in a black sedan.

Black sedan, huh?

We'll see about that.

I hope this works.

It always does at home.

Come on, shelf paper.

Step back or they'll plug me.

Get out of the way, boss. No!

Calling all cars. Calling all cars.

Johnny Dangerously now driving a white sedan,

disguised as a trout Fisherman.

Johnny, we've been spotted.

Peel the next layer.

Someday that will be in Johnny Junior's room.

Sure, sure.

There he goes. Get him! Don't let him get away.

He knows too much.

Calling all cars. Be on the lookout for...

Now, listen to this.

Dangerously and accomplices, dressed as nuns,

driving a sedan covered with... oh, you'll love this... duckies and bunnies.

Calling all cars, calling all cars.

Come to Dooley's bar. I'm buying.

There's something you don't see every day.

Everybody stay where you are.

Alan, keep down.

You might as well come down, Pembroke.

There's no one left but you.

Ah, shit.

Aah!

Johnny, are you okay?

Sure, kid.

You didn't get hit, did you?

I don't think so.

Boy, does that come in handy!

You would have taken the bullet for me.

I was counting on a lot of missing.

Johnny! Oh!

We'll have to take you back to the big house.

I have a witness that will clear Johnny. That's your man!

Officer, release this man.

I'm granting him a full pardon.

Oh, Johnny.

Hey, thanks, Gov.

You shouldn't shoot me, Johnny.

My grandmother shot me once.

Johnny, darling, you must be exhausted.

Breaking out of prison,

racing here to save your brother.

You've had a full day.

Funny, Ma, I'm not even tired.

Must have been that nap after lunch.

Oh, I'll have some stories...

to tell my grandchildren...

If I have any.

Lil, let's start a little gang of our own.

That okay?

Oh, Johnny, I like it.

Kid, I'll make you love it.

So that's my story.

I hope you learned something.

I sure did.

Wow! The electric chair.

I'm going straight.

You better see that you do,

or I'm coming after you.

Get out of here.

Wait. Aren't you forgetting something?

There you go.

Thanks, Mr. Kelly.

Hey, kid.

Don't forget.

Crime doesn't pay.

Right.

Johnny.

Well, it paid a little.

* We're all alone *

* No chaperone can get our number *

* The world's in slumber *

* Let's misbehave *

* There's something wild about you, child *

* That's so contagious *

* Let's be outrageous *

* Let's misbehave *

* When Adam won eve's hand *

* He wouldn't stand for teasin' *

* He didn't care about *

* Those apples out of season *

* They say the spring means just one thing *

* To little lovebirds *

* We're not above birds *

* Let's misbehave *

* It's getting late, and while I wait *

* My poor heart aches on *

* Why keep the brakes on *

* Let's misbehave *

* I feel quite sure a good amour *

* Would be attractive *

* While we're still active *

* Let's misbehave *

* You know my heart is true *

* When you say you for me care *

* Somebody's sure to tell *

* But what the heck do we care *

* They say that bears have love affairs *

* And even camels *

* We're merely mammals *

* Let's misbehave *

* If you'd be oh, so sweet *

* And only heed your fate, dear *

* Would be the great event of 1928, dear *

* They say the spring means just one thing *

* To little lovebirds *

* We're not above birds *

* Let's misbehave **

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