Original subtitles

Joy. Joy.

More joy.

All the joy.

Okay, Dave, we're supposed to be throwing out

whatever doesn't spark joy.

Do you really need your old BlackBerry?

Oh, my God. Yes!

This is the first thing I texted you on.

It reminds me of you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

But shouldn't I remind you of me?

- Honestly, you remind me of the phone. - Oh.

All right, fine.

Keep it, but everything else must go.

It's just so hard to get rid of this stuff, you know?

I mean, look at these tiny Jordans.

These were Asher's first shoes.

Yeah, I know.

But he never wore them because newborns can't walk or dunk.

He will one day.

Ooh!

- I got fouled. - Mm.

I am serious, we are finally out of the fog

of having tiny kids.

No more strollers, no more Baby Bjorns, no more pacifiers.

We are getting our life and home back.

I mean, every closet in this house is totally empty!

Is it weird that makes me horny?

I support however we get there.

Dude, there is so much free stuff by your driveway.

You gotta check it out.

I just got this dope doggie bjorn

and a sack full of dog pacifiers.

Joanna, that's our stuff. We're getting rid of it.

Did he have this much crap growing up?

No, he had way more.

Our parents gave him everything he ever wanted.

Dave had the biggest Beanie Baby collection in Connecticut.

I was on the news.

Look, he's just always been the favorite,

and I've made peace with it.

That is so not true.

Hi, number one son.

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Hi, ladies.

I'm sorry that we're late,

but we stopped by an estate sale in your driveway.

I got tons of deep V-necks.

I'll make it work.

Okay, everyone please stop

bringing our trash back in our house.

Yeah. It is extremely important to me

that all of the closets stay empty.

We brought you your favorite bottle of wine.

- Aw. - Oh, no.

Who died? Is it a cousin I know or I don't know?

Don't know. Was your cousin Avi.

But that's not the news.

We're dead broke.

Oh, she's exaggerating, but yes, we are drowning in debt.

What?

How is that possible?

I mean, I had Kris Kross

and David Cross at my Bar Mitzvah.

Wait, didn't you just get back from Cabo?

Yeah, we did.

The Adilmans let us use their time share

in exchange for us teaching them how to use the tweeter.

Can we just focus on what's important?

How are you out of money?

Ah, well, uh, we didn't have health insurance,

and your mom's knee surgery a few months back

was not cheap.

My "As Seen on TV" business has been down

ever since I lost the slanket account.

And sadly, edible coasters don't sell themselves.

Mm, so you decided the place to save money

was cutting health care in your 60s?

60.

Look, I know it sounds crazy, but insurance is very expensive,

and we take excellent care of ourselves.

Daddy just stopped eating red meat.

I'm mostly eating coasters now.

And I spin twice a week with Susan Pyser,

but I guess it was too much because I tore my ACL.

I overspun.

- You overspun. - I overspun.

- She overspun. - Who knew?

Me! Hi!

I told you, like, all the time!

Is this how ghosts feel?

This is, uh... This is a lot.

I know. So stressful.

That's why we went to Cabo.

What a time.

♪ ♪

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

I can't believe all this time you've had no money.

Yeah, you should have just told us the truth.

Ah. Remember how you lied to us

about being gay for so long?

You mean when I was in the closet?

Yes.

Now, why didn't you just tell us?

Because I was uncomfortable and scared and confused.

Exactly. Like us.

And so now we're coming out as broke.

We're here, we're broke, get used to it.

This is not the same situation!

E-Everything's gonna be fine.

We're gonna downsize and sell the house before we lose it.

Yeah, we're hoping Davey'll renovate our house

as beautifully as he did yours

and then we can sell it for double.

You're insanely talented.

Everyone's talking about it.

But why spend the time and the money?

I mean, sell the house.

Cash out. It's already paid off.

Was paid off.

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

A few years ago, we pulled out equity

to pay for that trip to Africa.

- Beautiful continent. - Mm.

It's where it all began.

Humanity and our financial woes.

Yeah, shopping wasn't what I expected it to be.

We bought a few things...

I mean, some jewelry... just a few choice pieces.

I got a spear. It might be haunted.

Okay, well, you're gonna

have to upgrade the house to make a profit.

So I will talk to my crew about renovating it quickly.

Oh, that's amazing.

And while you're doing the reno,

we'll stay at an Air-BLT.

It's an Airbnb.

Oh, what'd I say?

The wrong thing. You always say the wrong thing.

No, you're not staying at an Airbnb.

You guys can stay here as long as you need.

Obviously they cannot stay here as long as they need.

Obviously, but, um, you just said the opposite of that to them.

Yeah, because one of us has to offer to be nice

so one of them can say "No, no, that's okay,"

and then one of us can say "Are you sure?"

And then they can say "Of course."

But they didn't say "No, no, that's okay."

I can't believe it.

Who doesn't say "No, no, that's okay"?

- My parents. - That is not okay.

I know it's not okay.

Look, having them in our space, it's not a dream.

Actually, I think this is literally

what your mom dreams of.

Well, think of it this way.

Maybe having them live here will give us some of our life back.

You know, they are built-in babysitters.

Yeah, the last time they babysat was not ideal.

Some children like coffee.

And that was six months ago.

Yeah, Hazel's eye is still doing that weird thing.

But she's more focused than ever.

And those free babysitters are making it possible

for you and I to go see Drake at the Garden Friday night.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Ah, it'd be so nice to see a concert that's not on ice.

I'm in.

So, uh, now that we're all alone,

what do you say we...

- With my parents in the house? - Mm-mm.

- You wanna watch "Handmaid's Tale"? - Ooh, baby.

- Oh! - Ah!

Right off the bat they hit you with it!

I know this show gives us nightmares,

but I just can't wait to see what happens next.

Knock knock!

Oy, she jumps off the bridge in this episode.

Well, no need to watch this now or ever.

Hey, which backpack has the real soda in it?

Dad, that is my emergency disaster kit.

Oh, boy, I was wondering why the Clif Bars

were stored with the flashlights.

- Can I help you guys with something? - Oh, yeah.

We figured out a way to pay down our bills,

and we don't even have to sell the house, either.

We're gonna start a Facebook fundraiser.

Like everyone else on the Internets.

Not everyone. Just the people with actual issues.

Yeah, I love you guys,

but you're just two irresponsible baby boomers.

Ouch. But this is gonna work.

We saw this one girl from Miami

who raised $80,000

just because she was colorblind

and needed special glasses to see blue.

We donated $500.

Dad, you gotta keep your money!

Now, please, we'd like to get back to our tragic horror show

that puts us in a weird place before bed.

Sure, sure.

Just don't get too attached to that couple.

In two episodes, they drown.

- Debbie! - Mom!

This is so weird. I haven't been in your parents' basement

since high school.

And it still smells like Beanie Babies.

How cool was it that I was on the news?

It was a great day for both of us.

I can't believe my parents are in this situation.

Seriously. Deb and Stew were always so loaded.

After college, they gave me 10 grand for my independent film.

- I never saw that. - I never made it.

Don't do any reno'ing without me.

- Hi, doll. - Hey, Deb-Deb!

Wow! Look at the two of you.

You're like handsomer Property Brothers

from a different Property Mother.

Let's just go upstairs and I'll show you

my plans for the bathroom.

Ooh, I got it! I got it!

How married are you to facing-forward toilets?

Very married.

Yeah.

- Mom? - Hm?

You okay?

I-I think I've been so concerned

about selling the house I really didn't stop to think

what it would feel like to actually leave it.

I know, but it's the only way

- we're gonna get you out of this mess. - Mm.

Oh, God, look at this.

Remember how obsessed you were with these?

Oh!

Yeah.

You convinced me I was gonna win a gold medal.

Ah, you made uncoordinated look fun.

Everyone was talking about it.

No, they weren't.

I was just a dumb kid with frosted tips

who got his heart broken by a girl named Kate

who spelled her name with the letter K

and the number eight.

Mm.

That was the saddest you'd been since you found out

Santa was not for our people.

And that wound is ripped open every December.

But you cheered me up, remember,

when you threw that surprise slumber party down here for me?

Yeah, that was fun.

Till you got drunk on Daddy's Zimas.

Oh, yeah.

I got shlammered.

Ohh.

I mean, I spent my whole childhood in this room.

Well, maybe the Facebook fundraiser could work.

I mean, why don't we try it?

If it doesn't, we can always go back to this plan.

What do you say?

I say sure. Why don't we give it a shot.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Hey, why do you have a vase full of dirt on your mantle?

That is my Great Aunt Rita's ashes.

Okay, shot in the dark.

Is there a slight chance

she wanted them scattered on your carpet?

♪ ♪

Hi, everybody on the Internets.

I'm Debbie.

And I'm Stew, and we're so honored

to be a part of the fundraising community.

Very excited for that Miami girl who can see blue now!

- You're welcome! - It's the best color.

But we're here to talk to you about our medical bills.

See, Deb hurt her knee and needed surgery.

Show 'em how it bends funny.

- Ow! - Do you believe that?

And we run the risk of losing our house

unless you, our online family, help us out.

Fortunately, we're living with our son right now.

He's a good egg.

The best egg. A dinosaur egg.

- Everyone's talking about it. - They are, they are.

Personally, I think it's because I breastfed him for two years.

Sidebar... breastfeeding?

- Better than sex. - All right, Deb. Hey, honey...

- What? - ... said it before,

it's very upsetting information and hurtful.

Sweetie, you're my hunka-hunka.

- Mwah. - Mwah!

- I think this is going very well. - Oh, me too.

We're gonna make that colorblind girl look like a total amateur.

Are you guys really going to see Drake tonight?

Yeah. And Mom and Dad are actually helping.

Don't tell me they're babysitting.

Why... Just, like, w-w-why wouldn't I tell you that?

Because they were bad at babysitting us, Dave.

Oh, come on.

- They were great! - Were they?

I have two therapists, four girlfriends, and nine dogs.

Yeah, but that's you. You're clearly slightly difficult.

I was always a very easy child and very well taken care of.

You had 10 pairs of Rollerblades

- and how many helmets? - It was a different time.

Before head injuries?

Maybe they played it fast and loose with the supervision,

but they're grandparents now.

They're gonna be fine.

- Whoa! - Yeah!

Whoo!

Okay, Asher, Asher. Your turn.

Oh! Fun!

What is up, family?

- Oh! God! - Asher!

Oh, sweet, sweet boy. I love you.

There's no candy in me.

Why are we hosting a quinceañera?

I said your dad could buy the kids some candy.

He came home with two piñatas.

Couple dozen Tootsie Rolls never hurt anyone.

Yes, they did. They hurt me, Dad.

I only have four real teeth.

- My gums bleed when I sing. - Aw.

Ta-da!

Oh, my God!

I let her do her own makeup.

Doesn't she look beautiful?

She looks like someone left a rainbow in a hot car.

I'm a princess!

Mm-hmm. Remember, you can also be a doctor

or an astronaut or...

eh, forget it.

It's been a day.

I'm guessing that went horribly?

Yeah. Pretty much.

On top of the chaos out there,

Hazel freaked out because she lost her Elsa heel.

Why does Elsa even have a heel?

Girlfriend lives on ice!

That's a bad example for girls.

Do you want a glass?

No. Because they're all over the house

covered in your mom's lipstick.

You know, maybe we shouldn't go tonight.

We really don't have to if you don't want to.

Are you kidding?

Your parents are insane

and the house looks like

someone burglarized the set of "Double Dare."

We are going to that concert.

Okay. Great.

Great! You get me another bottle of sauvy-b

and I'll go put on my good bra.

Good bra, huh?

So you're saying there's a chance!

♪ ♪

Pardon me, bitches.

I need this more than you. I'm a mom.

I'm a dad.

Young, cool dad.

- Whoo! - This is so awesome.

But I guess it's not cool to wear

the band's merch to the concert?

Hey, should we get molly?

- Yeah? No. - Yeah?

No? I mean, we just threw out all our pacifiers.

Sorry, I'm just... I'm so happy to be here.

It feels so good to be alone!

- Hi! - Oh, no!

What the [BLEEP] is happening?

We wanted to surprise you as a thank you

for letting us stay with you!

Surprise!

It's us!

- Who's with the kids? - Ravi.

- Ravi? - Ravi?

I really like him. He got me this vape.

Ravi doesn't even acknowledge we have kids!

He calls them our tiny roommates!

I cannot believe this!

H... Wait... But...

See what you did?

We just wanted one night away from our tiny roommates...

our kids.

Now I have to fix this!

And I already told all the other dads at drop-off

I was going to the Drake show

and now I'm gonna have to lie about it!

♪ ♪

Where are the kids?

Oh, hey. They're unconscious... I-I-I mean, asleep.

They went down easy.

You know, I gave 'em some milk, read 'em a book.

I let Asher do a magic trick.

I, legit, have no idea where that penny came from!

Wow. Thank you so much.

I'm genuinely surprised.

Also, I had sex in your shower.

You have a beautiful home.

Anyway, just Venmo me for the babysitting.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

I cannot believe you showed up at the concert.

I mean, how did you even get those tickets?

- StubHub. - We splurged.

- You splurged? - We splurged.

Don't splurge!

Dad, put down the phone. Huh?

Three, two, one!

No more screen time, Dad!

Our fundraiser's blowing up!

I thought you decided not to do that?

Well, we did, but David said we should go for it.

You said, "Go for it"?

- No, I mean... - Yup.

It started making money as soon as we posted it.

It's up to seven grand.

- Like, real American money? - Seven grand?

- Yep, it really pulls on your heartstrings. - Mm.

[GASPS] This is on the Internet!

Mom, Dad, what did you do?

Boy, uh, I did not notice breasts when we started filming,

but, uh, clearly there are breasts there.

- Dad! - Look, there's one. There's two.

Dad, stop zooming in on my wife's breasts!

Now, pi-pinch 'em to make 'em smaller.

No, wait, don't do that! Ew! God!

Guys, I can put up with a lot,

but putting my wife's boobs on the Internet

is something I will never be okay with.

Can you let me speak for myself?

God! I thought I was getting my life back,

and instead you just ruined it!

Ah.

Sorry, ugh, it was an accident.

David, what can we do?

I don't know.

I can't figure that out for you.

I already have two kids. I can't take care of two more.

Well, we never wanted to be a burden

- to you and your family. - No.

I think you guys should go.

It's okay. We'll figure this out on our own.

But before I go,

did I tell you how long I was in labor with you?

I know, Mom, 72 hours.

73.

- 'Cause of the head, I know. - Because of that big head.

I didn't know you had a tattoo.

That's my C-section scar.

Whatever it is, people dig it.

Check out all these comments...

"Hey, sexy!"

"I wanna drink your bath water."

"I work for Saudi Prince.

How much?" Okay, that one seems dangerous,

but hey, a compliment's a compliment.

This is such a violation.

My naked body for everyone to see and comment on

and, "Hot knockers!"

Wow. I'll take it.

So, how long is this video?

No idea. We stopped before it ended.

We have two beautiful grandchildren

and amazing kids.

And even our daughter Joanna,

who's sometimes we have a trying relationship with,

but mainly because she's still single

and hasn't given us grandchildren,

is a wonderful person with an incredible business.

Oh, uh, please check out pupcuts.net

for all your dog-grooming needs.

And as much as I love braggin' about our beauties,

nothing is better than bragging

- about our daughter-in-law, Rebecca. - Aw.

She's the best. We love her like a daughter.

Pupcuts.net.

Well, now I feel like an ass.

- Me too. - Yeah.

You guys have been really hard on them.

I do think I have an idea though of something we can do.

Great. But before you do anything, take down the video.

The Saudi Prince just sent me an offer.

Like, would it get us out of this situation, or...

I'll take the video down.

So, we watched more of the video.

We love everything you said about our family,

and I can't imagine how hard this is for you right now.

Oh, thanks for saying that, Rebecca,

but posting that video with your ass hanging out

was definitely crossing a line.

It was my boobs, but doesn't matter.

Ah, if you keep watching, it's your ass too.

Anyway, we're very sorry,

and we can appreciate why you would've been mad.

Oh, thank you, Debbie.

But it was weirdly a nice self-esteem boost.

A prince wants to buy her.

The point is, we think you should live with us

while Dave renovates your place.

Ah... d... You want us back?

Yeah, we really do.

Oy, I love you guys.

- I got the best kids ever! - Oh.

Seriously, anything you need just ask.

Except our airline miles. We really want to go to Japan.

Oh, we're actually going in the fall.

Dad, stop spending your money!

Now that we're staying with you guys

you can take advantage of my home cooking.

Eat some real food for a change.

Thanks, Debbie, but all we eat is real food.

Really? Because all I found

is dried fruit and dark chocolate.

Which, for the record... not chocolate.

Okay, Dad, well, why don't you tell me what you want me

to get you from the store,

and I'll pick it up tomorrow.

Perfect.

White's not chocolate, either.

Okay, bon appétit!

My famous eggplant parmesan!

- Oh. - Thanks, Debbie,

but I'm allergic to eggplant.

I never heard of such a thing.

Really? I told you like a dozen times.

I'm allergic to all nightshades.

Poor thing can't afford a pair of sunglasses?

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --