Original subtitles

(GROANS)

Get in.

(FUNKY CALYPSO-STYLE POP MUSIC)

Ooh. (SNIFFS)

Oh, yes.

Yeah, OK, let me see.

Erm... Maybe... Mmm. Mmm. Let me see.

(SIGHS)

Mmm. Let me see this one.

I don't understand this bloody language.

Bagpipes!

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com

MARGARET THATCHER: ...to close factories or not to rescue them...

Bloody hell, Bagpipes, the thing has started. Come on.

Don't rush me. It's an art, not a science.

No, it is a science. You are reading the manual. It is a science.

- (DOOR CLOSES) - Oh, Aggie? Oh, no.

Excuse me, sir. Don't I recognise you from somewhere?

- Me? Oh, no, no. - Oh.

Oh, maybe you've seen me on the Six O'Clock News.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Billy Ocean. Pictures. - No, I'm busy.

Come on, you're a superstar.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- Agnes? - Oh, no. (PANTING) Almost.

I can't believe it!

- Little Walter Easmon, on the Queen's BBC. - Yeah, yeah.

Come and sit down. Why you not using the lift?

I should trust a floating box when God has given me perfect legs?

- It's a shame about your lungs. - Huh.

Valentine. Hey, big driver.

- How's the job? - Uncle, it is wonderful.

I have seen so much of the UK from Combe Bay, Goole, King's Lynn...

Who is this king Slim, eh?

There is only one true king and that's the Lord God Almighty.

I'm going to Southend tomorrow.

Eh? Ooh, Southend. Fun fact:

it has the largest telephone exchange south of Chelmsford.

'Ey, you should come with me. It would be an adventure.

I can't, I'm on strike.

Can't have a day off from not working.

- Oh, hang on. Yeah. Go on then. Hey! - Yeah.

We'll eat whelks with a pin, we'll have a paddle.

- In the sea? - Yeah.

With Valentine? He can't swim.

I not gon' die today. The devil is in the sea,

which means I am most not definitely going to be dead.

- I don't want to drown, eh? - Let me do it.

Hey, do-do-do-do! Come on.

These new machines have their own mind, eh?

Oh, the strike. The strike is on. It's on.

Quick, quick, quick. Move, move, move.

- Are you recording? - Yeah, yeah.

- Are you recording? OK. - Yeah.

- No more cuts! - (CHEERING)

(LAUGHTER) There's me at the back, look!

- That's just an elbow. - It's my elbow.

REPORTER: We asked lead negotiator Walter Easmon

how soon he thought the strike would come to an end.

Well, I think that negotiations are going very well.

That's me.

And in other news, Southend's telephone exchange is to close..

- (CHEERING) - ...with the loss of over 400 jobs.

(ALL TALK AT ONCE)

- You just missed it. - Oh!

Agnes, no, this is the beauty of the video cassette recorder.

All I have to do is rewind and play the whole thing again.

OK. Come and watch your husband. (CHUCKLES)

Charles Bronson, who is that?

Fantastic. It's a miracle.

- You recorded the wrong channel. - Paler than usual.

- Why do you have such a silly voice? - That is not me. Bloody fool.

The devil is not in the sea.

It's in these machines.

♪ HUMAN LEAGUE: Fascination (Keep Feeling) ♪

I wish we could afford to keep it.

That's the beauty of Radio Rentals.

I can call them, tell them it's not working properly and take it back.

You know, I've been thinking while the strike is one,

maybe I should get a little job to help with the money.

God blimey! A queen does not work.

OK, she should be at home relaxing, enjoying our home.

A home with no heating. Please, Walter, I want to go back to work.

I want to contribute.

Aggie, I am the provider, the breadwinner.

My job is to ensure that you always have what you want.

Trust me on that.

Ooh, lend me 50p.

I'll lend you 50p when I get paid.

I start my new job tomorrow.

What? New job? Aggie, come... Aggie!

Hang on a while. Aggie!

Aggie?

♪ EURYTHMICS: Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Ag, you look amazing! - Thank you.

- You'll knock 'em dead. - Oh, I'm not so sure.

I haven't had a full-time job since Kobna was born.

- What if I don't remember what to do? - No, you'll be fine.

Bandages, injections, bedpans. Yeah, it'll come back in no time.

Bagpipes, sorry, I'm a secretary not a nurse.

Eh? Are you sure?

Have you lost your marbles, love? (LAUGHS)

Don't worry. The seaside air will return these said marbles of yours.

Well, we must leave now, or this daytrip will be to the job centre.

Come, we go.

All right. Are you sure you're not a nurse?

Go. Go.

Come on, Bagpipes, we're going to be late.

Oh, what are you doing later? I've got a new remote-control car.

- We can take turns crashing it. - Yeah... Nah.

- I can't. I've got work. - At the garage making teas.

I'm not making tea,

I'm, like, changing the turbos and tuning up engines and stuff.

Yeah! More like changing the bins, and making teas and stuff.

Shut up, you. It's better than your Saturday job as a paper boy.

It's not a Saturday job, I do it Wednesdays and all.

- But today's Wednesday. - (HORN HONKS)

Oh, shit.

We're very lucky to have someone of your experience, Agnes.

In Sierra Leone, I ran the government typing pool by myself.

Ooh, ladies watch your backs.

New kid in town's a pro.

Such hard workers.

Now...

Ta-dah!

(MUTTERS) Sorry.

Oh, you... you don't use manual typewriters?

Oh, no. State-of-the-art here.

This baby can store up to 500 words in its memory.

It's about 200 more than me. (LAUGHS)

If you've got any questions, ask Kathy. She's one of our best.

You've got something on your tie, Dave.

Chilli con carne?

(SNIFFS) Might be right.

(BEEPING)

Actually,

it's a Vesta curry

so not so smart, Kathy.

(BEEPING)

♪ Well, if you're looking for a thrill that's new ♪

♪ Take in Fords, Dartford Tunnel and a river too ♪

- ♪ Go motoring on the A13 ♪ - So I was wondering...

♪ You start down in Wapping, there ain't no stopping ♪

♪ Bypass Barking and straight through Dagenham ♪

♪ Down to Grays, Thurrock ♪

♪ Right near Basildon ♪

♪ Pitsea, Thundersley, Hadleigh, Leigh-on-Sea ♪

♪ Chalkwell, Prittlewell, Southend's the end ♪

(CHUCKLES)

I bet you don't get roads like the A13 in Freetown, eh.

England's Route 66.

Oh, there's a caff here. Can we stop for a wee?

- Thank you. - Thanks, love.

(SIGHS) The great British caff.

Ooh! The great British cuppa.

Bagpipes, there's lipstick on your cup.

Yeah, but whose lipstick?

You never know. Could be a film star's, couldn't it?

Could be Sigourney Weaver's.

(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

Ah, Mr Dean, I know it doesn't look like I'm doing much but...

Idiot.

I am a total idiot.

I forgot to give you these.

The dictation whatsit. Ingenious, really.

I simply speak into a microphone in my office, eject the tape,

walk to the stairs, carry the tape three floors down,

show my pass at security, come in here, give the tape to you,

you put it in this baby, and it's in your ears like that.

There you are.

Bon voyage.

Oh!

Ooh. Argh!

(GRUNTS)

Oh!

(MUTTERS)

(AMPLIFIED FEEDBACK)

Argh! Oh!

Help me.

- I thought you'd never ask. - (SIGHS)

- Tea's up. - Leave it out there, son.

- Can I help you with anything, boss? - Oh!

- You bored? - Bored? No, of course not.

Do you want me to move that car out of the way for you?

- Can you drive? - Better than I can walk.

When I was your age I used to tear up my grandad's field in his tractor.

He never knew, mind.

All right. Go easy, yeah?

It's all good, boss.

I think I might write a book.

The 100 Best Places In Britain Where Mr Bagpipes Has Stopped To Urinate.

(CHUCKLES) Look at this.

Hey, I used to love gate-flipping.

Here, watch this.

(GRUNTS)

Hey!

Ooh.

- Interesting. - Yeah.

England is a beautiful country.

Well, there's brains as well as beauty, isn't there?

You got your Dickens, Shakespeare.

This blessed plot, this realm, this earth,

this England.

- Shakespeare. - Yeah, I know.

The museums here are first-rate.

Well, to be fair,

most of the stuff, we nicked from other countries.

Because the British are the best pirates in the world.

Yeah. Aar!

Yeah. What about the weather?

Amazing. Where else has a 12-month rainy season?

All right, the food?

It gives us all a chance to use the glorious British NHS.

You always look on the bright side, don't you, Vally?

- I learnt it from the British. - Now, you've gone too far.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh. Come, we must go.

One more delivery and Southend is ours.

- Bagsy first go on a donkey ride. - A donkey ride?

Where do you ride this donkey?

Well, about 30' up the beach,

then you turn around and you come back the other way.

(LAUGHS)

I love this silly country.

- Oi! - Hey, Bagpipes?

- Hey! - Piss off!

A classic British welcome. Hey! Bagpipes!

- Go on! Bagpipes! - Get off my land!

- Bagpipes, start the car! Star the car! - (GUNSHOT)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Are you sure you know how to drive this?

Yeah.

The biting point's just a little higher than I'm used to.

Yeah, this model is famous for that.

That's it. Down like an elephant. Up like a fairy.

Thank you, Jesus.

(INHALES)

Oi, Dean! Who's a tea boy now?

What did I tell you?

The machines are taking over.

- What? - The machines are taking over.

- Where? - The machines are taking over!

Run, boy, run! Machines!

♪ THE POINTER SISTERS: Neutron Dance ♪

Right, first up, let's have a cuppa or a fag break.

Actually, we could pop out, get a bit of shopping.

If you don't mind, could you show me how to use this equipment first?

- I'm so behind. - All right.

- This electronic stuff is a doddle. - Mm.

That's play.

That's pause. That, you never use. And if you press those two,

you can "accidentally" wipe the tape.

You make this look so easy. I wish Dave had just shown me this.

Dave doesn't know his arse from his elbow.

Should've used his elbow.

♪ NIK KERSHAW: I Won't Let The Sun Go Down On Me ♪

Nice to be out of the city, innit?

- See a bit of wildlife. - Mm, yes.

What was the animal we saw earlier?

That, Valentine, was most of a badger.

Ah! Badger.

Ooh! Hey, the bumps.

Did you get your licence here, or in Sierra Leone?

Licence?

What is this licence you are talking about?

You haven't got a licence?

(LAUGHS) Your face. Look at your face, Bagpipes.

- Yeah, very funny. - I'm only joking. Don't worry.

I just want to get everything delivered as quickly as possible

so we can have an afternoon at the seaside.

- Yeah. At the seaside. - Southend here we come.

- How you doing? - Everything's working perfectly!

- Oh, sorry. Sorry. - Fancy a cuppa?

Well, I've only been working for half an hour.

- Still not done? - Well...

Hold on, why are you doing these?

Total waste of time.

- Ooh. - Complaints.

Bin, obviously.

- Really? - Yeah.

They might be about us and you can shred all that lot.

- Didn't Dave say we had to type them up? - And file them? No point.

Nobody ever checks. Right, follow me.

OK. See her?

That's Abbey. Don't ask her for help.

She'll have you here all afternoon doing it "properly".

That's Stu. Avoid him.

He does everything by the book. A book called Your Arse, My Hands.

There are three cardinal rules to work in here, love.

Don't volunteer, don't have any bright ideas,

and don't ever stay past five o'clock.

- Understood? - OK.

Well, thank you, Kathy, for your advice but I'll go back to work.

What's the rush? Let's have a coffee and a squizz at this.

You're not going to show the rest of us up are you, Agnes?

No.

Of course not.

Good. Let's have that coffee.

Ladies, having a break?

- Piss off, Dave. - Right-o.

Welcome to the civil service.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey! Look at that!

(GULLS CRYING)

One day I would like to stay as a guest in this hotel, you know.

Come, we go. Hey-hey!

OK, OK. Don't get me run over.

- That's a nice car. - Yeah. Mm.

Hey!

I left the paperwork in the van. Please take this.

I'll catch you up.

Bloody hell. Some adventure this is!

Evening all.

Sorry, I don't know why I said that.

What do people usually say when they've got a delivery?

Just delivery.

Yeah, that makes sense.

So, you got a nice big package for me.

Er, yeah. Yes.

Some paper.

Hey, delivery.

I have 18 boxes of paper for you from Brooks & Company.

- Hang on. You're the driver? - Yes, my dear.

- Who's this, then? - I'm his mate.

Right.

I can't accept this.

What? Please. Why?

This is a classy place.

Our clientele expect a certain standard.

(CHUCKLES) Is this Game For A Laugh, madam?

Is this where Mr Beadle comes out in a moment?

Hey, where the camera? Mr Jeremy...

We don't take deliveries from drivers like you. Your company know that.

- What's happening? - Nothing.

Madam.

I'm here now.

Can you please just take this order this time?

And chance my boss seeing you? No way.

Come on, this is ridiculous. We've driven all this way.

Let's go.

Let's go, Bagpipes.

I'll tell you what,

I'll let you unload the paper.

He can sit in the van where no-one can see him.

OK.

But I want you to say out loud why this is happening.

Because I'm a black man.

Your words, mate, not mine.

You are a disgraceful woman.

Hey! You can't sit there!

Oh, yeah? Why is that, then? I wonder!

Hey, Bagpipes, look.

Oh. Shit.

Sorry. Oh, Christ.

Sorry, sorry.

Look, mate, about all that crap in the hotel.

I'm sorry.

You know,

I only realised I was black when I moved here.

At 35, it was a bit of a shock, you know.

I can't bear the thought of that happening to Melissa,

for someone to make her feel like that.

You need to be there for her, Bagpipes.

Make sure she never feels alone against it.

Show her that there are small victories to be had.

Small victories?

Bloody hell!

- Is that the porter's? - Mm.

Fancy a swim?

- I thought you were scared of the water. - I was talking to the keys.

Hey!

- Do you fancy a swim, though? - Are you mad?

- Don't be ridiculous. Hey! - What do you mean?

Have you ever seen a fish walking on the road?

The day you see a fish walking on the road

is the day you see Valentine swimming in the sea.

Don't start all this devil in the sea business again.

- Mark it, Bagpipes. - (GROANS)

Have you seen Jaws?

The shark was possessed.

This is Southend, there's no sharks here.

- What is that? - That's a seagull, you idiot.

OK, OK.

Dear Mama.

I hope you are well and Uncle is behaving himself.

The big news here is Agnes has started a new job

working at the local council.

She has ensured me that this would not affect her work

and she will be coming home cooking for us...

Dad? Where's Mum?

Er... Where is your mother?

♪ BLONDIE: The Tide Is High ♪

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com