Original subtitles

(MUSIC PLAYING)

MAMA: Dear Walter, the photos you have sent bring me great joy.

And I'm relieved, none of them

- were of your friend's bruised coccyx. - (SNIGGERS)

From your description, it sounds like Vale

has travelled the whole of England already.

My demands, meet them or I'll go on strike, like you.

"Kobna's strike demands." OK. "Number one, a Lisa Bonet poster.

One can of cold beer on a Friday night."

Mm-hm.

OK, I can do that. What are you striking from?

From doing what? From reading your magazines or poo-pooing in the toilet?

From being the house boy. The house of nagging with no pay.

- Oh, you want pay? - Yeah.

- And benefits. Mm-hm. - And benefits?

Well, just wait there. If you want benefits, no problem,

because I can give you the benefits of my belt.

- (LAUGHS) - Come here.

Look at your face.

You think you're smart? Come here... Laughing.

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com

Don't think it matters, love. Just wear what you've been wearing.

Picket lines are a tough place, Kirsty. Tempers can fray.

And I need something a little more, you know, that says,

"Don't mess with me," but doesn't chafe.

- Bagpipes? - Yes, love.

I, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

So, now that Leon, Melissa's, um,

Melissa's biological father is back, I was thinking that...

...maybe now's the right time for you and me to meet him

and tell him he's her father.

Right. Of course.

- Are you all right with that? - Why wouldn't I be?

Um, OK. No, no, that's great.

Because if that goes well, maybe Melissa can meet him too.

- Perhaps. - Uh-huh.

What happened to that leather jacket makes me look like the Fonz?

Oh, um, don't know. Sorry.

Thank you, love.

♪ FRANKE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD: Relax ♪

Ah, piss off.

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When your wanna come... ♪

- Can I pack you some banana bread? - Not now, sweetie, I'm concentrating.

- Will they provide you lunch? - Agnes, I'm a black man

negotiating for the rights of my co-workers.

Please don't ask me about bloody banana bread.

I'll pack you some banana bread.

Good morning, Valentine.

There's nothing good about this morning.

- Oh, what happened? - I have to find a van for work.

- OK, so, just buy one. - Oh, so easy.

How am I supposed to find an appropriate van

that I can afford at such short notice?

AGNES: There.

- ♪ If they got it, you have it. ♪ - ♪ If you want it, you get it. ♪

- Yeah. - They've got vans, they've got cars,

they've even got beautiful ladies.

Hey!

- Don't miss me. - But first, a van.

OK.

- This man... - Banana bread.

- Banana bread. Good luck. - Hm.

Can I have some banana bread, sister?

♪ THE EURHYTHMICS: Here Comes The Rain again ♪

(CROWD CHANTING INDISTINCTLY)

As the Xenon strike enters another tough week of negotiations,

Management say their hands are tied.

But the Union, represented by Walter Easmon

say options other than lay-offs must be considered.

(CROWD CONTINUE CHANTING)

No, no, no. No. No, no.

Bagpipes, you look worried. Don't worry. It's gonna be just fine.

Eh?

Yeah. Walter is in there right now, sorting it all out.

Soon, we'll be back like it never happened.

You go along acting like nothing happened.

And suddenly some fellow swans in, tries to take it all from you.

Yeah. But... But... Walter won't let them. Right?

Only this time, before you get the boot for good.

It's all, "Oh, be a dear. Meet the fella. Do a handover."

Wait, we still taking about the factory?

Eh? Oh yeah, yeah, the factory, yeah.

Because, uh, I will fight. Yeah, I'll give him a handover, all right.

I'll just tell him to get lost.

- What? Run him off? - Yeah, why not?

Hm, I'll tell him, "Look here, you... You hole in the bottom!"

This town ain't big enough for..."

However, many additional men we're discussing.

Good idea.

- Really? - Yeah.

You know what, Bagpipes? You look different today. Tougher.

♪ SIMPLE MINDS: Don't You Forget About Me ♪

- Welcome. I'm Don. - Hey.

What a privilege it is to have such a fine gent

choose my humble establishment

to make his automotive dreams come true.

Hey, please, Mr Don. (CHUCKLES)

I have to warn you, I'm African.

And we are the kings of negotiation,

so please, do not try to act with me.

- You'll be wasting your time. - I wouldn't dream of it.

Good, good, good. Now, this vehicle is suitable for my needs,

but 150 pounds is too, too, too much money.

So, I suggest a fair, compromised agreement of 80 pounds.

And...

..this.

Sierra Leone football shirt. My country, signed.

- Signed by who? - Me. (CHUCKLES)

When I saw you coming here, I thought to myself,

"That guy has got ambition."

- Mm-hm. - He's going places.

Yeah.

And hopefully in this beautiful 1981 Bedford CF,

which is worth at least 150 pounds.

- But clearly, I was mistaken. - Hey, hey, hey. Mistaken?

I should have made you the charity offer.

Hey, I don't need no charity.

- I have plenty of money. - Of course you do.

I am a proud and successful son of Sierra Leone.

Undoubtedly.

So 150 pounds is easily within my budget. Here.

- You don't know me, I'm a prince. - Yeah?

- Is that a 10 or 20? - That's 10. Keep going.

Nobody pulling my trousers off.

- You're not silly, are you? - No, no, no. Doing business, eh?

- Good on you. - (BOTH CHUCKLING)

- What do you think? - What do I think?

Mm-hm.

I think someone should have gone with you.

What do you mean?

If this van was a lady, I'd have her as my wife.

(CHUCKLES) Listen, she's perfect.

Hey, what's wrong?

Even Kobna would know not to buy this van.

- What does the house boy know, huh? - I know cars.

Hm.

No, I've got a really good deal here. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Valentine, you mustn't let anyone take you for a fool.

- I'm nobody's fool. - Jonny just come, fool!

Hey, you want to die today?

Don't make me come out of this van. I will break your head with a stone.

What is wrong with this door? Sister, help me. Hey. He.

Valentine! How is this chem-chemma van

- going to get you anywhere for your work? - Chem-chemma!

Tomorrow, we will go and get your money back.

- (RADIO PLAYS INDISTINCTLY) - Hey! Hey! Hey!

MAN ON TV: It's generating one for you. Take a look, what do we see?

- Er... Roy Walker. - (PHONE RINGING)

- What the hell. - Oh, that's... That'll be...

..er my mate Noel calling.

Yeah, from work. He's having marriage troubles.

And he said he wanted to chat. So, uh, that'll be Noel calling.

- Well, answer it then. - Right.

- Hello. Oh, hi, Noel. - What?

Yeah, I thought it'd be you, Noel.

What nonsense you talk? Look, you tell me call when Leon is here.

Well, Leon is here.

Oh, there, there, Noel. Don't cry.

What? You want me to meet you down the pub right now? OK.

All right, then, Noel.

That was Noel.

Hello, Kutumba. I'm home from work. (CHUCKLING)

Just as I usually am at this time from work, as normal.

Good day?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very good, uh, made lots of car parts.

Uh, big ones and er... small ones.

A-A-And er... medium ones.

- Promotion? - Not today, Daddy. No.

But, er, I'm sure Dennis will make the offer very soon.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Mm!

Hey, what's that lovely smell? (CHUCKLES)

Your Ugandan wife is cooking African food.

I'm Indian, you are Indian, we eat Indian.

I will put my chakula cha Africa right up your...

No, look. Don't...

I, for one, love your African food.

Rita Patel's son has two newsagents, and he's only 29.

Welcome home.

Get in there you... Bloody bagpuss!

- Hey, Bagpipes. - Oh, hey, Valentine.

Come, let me buy you a drink. I'm in need of one myself, eh?

Bagpipes, what is wrong?

Leon, Melissa's biological dad, is in there.

Oh.

- That is very troubling. - Mm.

- What will you do? - I'll tell him to get lost.

Yes, a man must protect his family. I'm with you, eh?

I don't... I don't know. He might be big,

young and handsome.

I got some free time, Wedneday; maybe I'll do it then.

Hey, no, no, no, no!

We are going in there to deal with this disreputable young man.

Yeah, but I don't want to?

Bagpipes, we have a saying in my country,

"Hold a true friend with both hands," eh?

I suppose that's a nice saying.

Now, stop your nonsense and let's go in.

- No, no. What are you doing? - Don't resist me.

Get in! get in!

(ARGUING)

♪ FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD: Two Tribes ♪

We are doing this. We are doing this.

You need to be like Rocky, eh? Just think.

Oh, shit.

This is it.

It's showtime.

Right. How do you want to play this? You go in first and then I'll go in?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Hey!

What?

Thanks...

You owe me a beer.

Oi, Leon.

I want a word with you.

If you think you can come here and break up my family...

Oi, mate. I'm Leon.

I'm Bagpipes.

Sorry, my friend.

- Leon? - Mm.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Bagpipes, Blackpipes. Hey, Frank, have you seen this?

Oh, look at you. You are twins. (LAUGHS)

So, uh, Mr Leon, uh, my friend, Bagpipes... (CHUCKLES)

..wants to tell you something.

No, no. I don't. It's no big deal.

- Yes, it is. - No, it isn't.

Fancy a pint? Hey, no, no, no. I will get the pints.

You men should talk, eh?

♪ PAUL MCCARTNEY AND STEVIE WONDER: Ebony And Ivory ♪

Sod off!

So, uh, you know Kirsty?

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I know her. How do you know her?

- She's my wife. - R-Right.

(COUGHING) So she... Sorry, mate. Bloody smoke in here.

- Yeah, I told Frank to change the... - Extractor fan, I told him that too.

- What, the Vent Axia? - No, I went with the Broan 688.

- Oh, yeah, the suction on that, blimey. - Fantastic.

- It's a self-contained unit. - Yeah.

No vents on it.

- That's it, yeah. - Draws in, clears the room.

The 588... That was the electrical, wasn't it?

- Wow, only the Sahara Desert is drier, mate. - (BOTH LAUGH)

- Cheers. - Cheers.

♪ THIN LIZZY: The Boys Are Back In Town ♪

I'll leave you another drink.

- Naughty bastard. - (SLURS INDISTINCTLY)

♪ The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town... ♪

- Morning, stinky. - Ah! Yeah.

- How was Noel? - Eh?

- Noel? - Oh, yeah, he's fine.

Oh, shit.

- What? - Nothing.

- Tea? - Sit down. (GROANS IN PAIN)

I'll get it. You relax. Go back to bed.

Have a couple of hours of sleep, bit of beauty sleep do you good.

Not that you need it. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Sorry.

Right. Bye.

- Wakey, wakey. Rise and shine, Leon. - Huh?

- Yeah. - (GRUNTS) My head.

Yeah. Lovely to have you over. Safe journey home.

Bagpipes, what's goin' on?

- You did what? - (CHUCKLES) I know.

I'm such an idiot.

- You didn't let anything slip, did you? - No, no.

But we ended up getting on like a bloody house on fire.

- Christ, he knows his extractor fans. - Well, that is great, then.

- So we can tell him about Melissa. - No, we can't.

I thought you liked him?

I do. He's brilliant. That's the problem.

What if Melissa meets him and she loves him more than me?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Bagpipes.

Melissa loves you. I love you.

Leon can't do anything to change that. Yeah. Well, he did before.

He did. And now, you're giving him another chance to destroy us.

- I didn't realise you were still afraid. - I'm not bloody afraid.

Bad enough I've had to live with your mistake

without mixing Melissa up in all this.

I'm trying to do the best for her.

She'll never forgive us

if we don't give her the chance to get to know him.

And I'll never forgive you if you do.

Oh...

- I'm done. - Yeah, me too.

I'm seeing Leon this afternoon.

I'm gonna tell him all about his daughter. That's happening.

It's up to you whether you're gonna be there for me or not.

Vale, don't let this Mr Dom mess you around.

Kobna needs to get to school.

No need to worry. We'll be counting my cash in five minutes flat.

And you're sure these nearly new tyres will stop the rattling, yes?

- Valentine, have I let you down yet? - Yes, 100 percent of the time.

He doesn't want your nearly new tyres

or this disgusting, chem-chemma, knacker-knacker broken van.

He wants his money back.

Well, and who may I ask is this African queen?

- This is Queen Agnes. - Don't try and charm me, Mr Dom.

(SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE) Like big fool. They rip you off.

I'm not be big fool.

Mr Don, give him his money back for this broken, old van.

That broken old van is an engineering marvel, madam.

It's a classic.

- A classic death trap. - Oh, yeah?

What do you know about it, young man?

Oh, nothing. He's just a house boy. Eh?

I know the transmission's slipping.

The radiator's leaking.

And those shock absorbers ain't absorbing nothing.

hm.

- And those breaks are broke. - (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Yeah, well. I mean, there's, erm, some light cosmetic damage.

But, erm, the best I can do is swap it for this van here.

And, maybe give me 20 quid for my trouble.

- OK. - No.

A straight swap.

I've got my daughter's 16th birthday to pay for.

You're taking sausage rolls out of mouths of babes.

A party? Valentine can DJ this for you.

What?

Oh, yes, I will bring sweet music to your daughter's party for free.

- Deal? - Deal.

All right.

Give us the money back for the broken tires.

Hmph.

And if you want a Saturday job, you come see me.

- I will. - All right.

REPORTER: Do you have a quick word for ITN.

Yeah. Sod off.

- What is wrong, Bagpipes? - Eh? The usual.

BOTH: Home.

You know what, Bagpipes? Being the man of the house is so tough.

You want to do the right thing, but some days,

the right thing is the wrong thing done in the right way.

Some days, the right thing is the wrong thing done in the wrong way.

But it turns out right.

- Is that an Indian saying? - No.

What I want to know is what is the best thing.

Especially when all you hear is "Rita Patel, this and that."

- Bloody Rita Patel, I tell you. I could... - What are you doing here?

- Suit. - Hey, watch it. Watch it.

- Oi, oi, oi, what's going on? Calm down. - He's management, ain't he?

Look, he's here, on the picket line. He's one of us. Family.

Now, this is hard enough, without us fighting amongst ourselves.

We gotta be there for each other. Otherwise we're finished.

Bagpipes, you bloody idiot. I've gotta do something.

OK, what? The right thing or the wrong thing?

I don't know.

- Thanks, Rajesh. - You're welcome.

♪ CROWDED HOUSE: Don't Dream It's Over ♪

(SNIFFLES)

Hey! Kirsty!

- Finally some sunshine in this bloody place. - Hello, Leon.

- Can I come in? Need to talk. - Yeah. Yeah, come on.

- Hello, mate. All right? - Glad you are here.

WALTER: Dear, Mama. I am pleased to inform you

that your grandson is now a working boy.

He has secured his first job in a car garage

and Valentine has bought himself a new van

that'll give Kobna plenty of practice.

Times are hard in England at the moment.

Oh, the strike has been tough on everyone.

You're on strike?

I'll bet Rita Patel's son has never been to television.

WALTER: But we will get through it together.

Oh, thank you. I bought you a present.

This is what families are for, eh?

- Hey, how are you? - I'm OK.

Uh-huh. Good. (CHUCKLES)

What the... Kobna!

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com