Original subtitles

RATTUS RATTUS GROWLS

HE COUGHS

Oh, that's really not good for your tonsils, that.

Ugh, right, that's enough of the logos.

I bet you've all finished your popcorn

in the time it took to watch all that.

HE CHUCKLES Can we please start the movie?

Whoa!

RATTUS RATTUS (VO): Ancient Rome.

The centre of civilisation.

"Wasn't built in a day, you know".

Although that was the builder's original estimate.

Little joke for builders, there.

What's that other saying?

"All sewers lead to Rome ".

Yeah, that's the one.

Cor, look at the manure on that cart.

It's like an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Om, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Anyway, it's 54AD

and Emperor Claudius is in charge here.

But maybe not for long...

Doom!

Doom!

The chicken guts speak the future.

Betrayal, conspiracy and death!

In other words, just a normal day in Rome, really.

Has anyone seen my chicken?

No, uh, not me. - BELL TOLLS

HE GROANS IN AGONY

Oh! I am done for!

Poisoned! - SHE SOBS

I journey to the underworld

happy that I... HE GASPS

C-C-Claudius shall ever he remembered

as the Roman emperor who finally...

c-conquered Britain.

Hey, where's Britain?

Is that part of the empire?

I thought it was just a weird stain.

Argh! - Oh!

Oh! - Where's the doctor?

Oh, actually, I'm feeling a lot better now

I don't think I need a doctor.

Darling, you can't be too careful.

Doctor, come quickly, it's my husband.

What's the matter? - He's not dying!

Not dying?

Between me and you, Mother poisoned him with some mushrooms

but he's thrown them up.

So, I want you to tickle his throat

with this poisoned feather

and finish the job.

I couldn't possibly.

Or you'll be next.

Emperor? - No, really

I'm feeling OK, now.

Open wide, say "Ah ".

Argh!

Yes, get in!

Sorry, can I...

Who's in charge now?

All hail my son

Emperor Nero.

THEY CHANT " NERO"

Hail me, cheers, Mum.

Ruler of the whole Roman Empire

Even that stainy bit.

Except, I'll be ruling until you come of age.

What? That's not for another five years.

FAN FARES SOU ND

Hu? HE GULPS

Oh!

THUD

Phew.

HE WHlSTLES - SlGN CREAKS

ANNOUNCEMENT: Ladies and gentlemen

please take your seats

as the Emperor Nero birthday games will begin shortly.

Would the owner of the blue chariot registration CXB

Please remove it as it is obstructing the arena gates.

Look at the queue!

Why is it always so long?

SHE SIGHS - lt's a bottleneck.

A big crowd going through a narrow entrance

causes an impediment to the flow.

Don't be clever, Atti.

I think we should limit your scroll time.

What? - We ' re here to see

real men fighting.

Get stuck into real Roman life, son.

Julia! - Ave Flavia.

Is this your Celcius?

JULIA: He's been accepted into the army.

Proper job for a proper Roman. Well done, lad.

Cheers. - JULIA: You must be so proud!

Couldn't be prouder. We've just bought him some new sandals

to say well done. - Check ' em out.

Why can't you be more like Celcius?

SANDAL SELLER: No fakes, no copies.

Loser! - Sporcus the Gladiator's

very own sandals, as worn by the man himself.

How much? - Two hundred Denarii.

But it says 100.

No, it doesn't. - Yeah, look. See?

A hundred Denarii.

Oh, well that's per shoe.

Who ever heard of " per shoe"? Who's gonna buy one shoe?

A one-legged man?

Do you have this one in red?

Please don't sell them to anyone else.

I won't...

unless they bring me the money first.

Gladiator sweat! Makes you young!

Gladiator sweat!

Lovely hum. - How much?

To you, two hundred Denarii.

How do I know it works?

I'm 97, mate.

I'll take it.

STREET HAWKER CRlES

ANNOUNCEMENT: Feeling peckish? - HE WHlSTLES

Why not try our pick 'n' mix selection?

Peacock tongues, stuffed snails and roast dormouse.

Available from the arena kiosk.

Right, you lot... this is a big match.

It's Nero's birthday.

So I want all of you

to give it CX percent.

Got that? - Yes, boss.

And remember, when you get out there

you turn to Nero and you say

"We who are about to die...

salute you ".

What is it, Severus?

I've been getting into this sports psychology thing

and that whole "about to die" bit

it just really messes with my energy, man.

I mean, it's kinda...

negative. I just don't think it's me.

We all have our "thing ", right? You're the massive one

you ' re the other massive one.

You're the one with the funny voice.

IN A SQUEAKY VOICE: I don't have a funny voice.

I thought I can be the... "doesn't die" guy.

You listen to me.

Say it, or I ' ll kill you myself

and spare all these scumbags the bother.

HE CHUCKLES OK.

GLADIATOR TRAlNER: Go on, move it the lot of you.

That's nowhere near enough.

HORSE WEES NOISILY

HE PANTS

Oh! I'm the legate from Britain.

Britain, you know, edge of the Empire.

I have a gift for Emperor Nero.

Must be on the list.

Oh... HECHUCKLES

Happy birthday, mein Emperor.

We have killed a bear in your honour.

Hollowed him out for a onesie.

Oh, I love it.

Look, I'm a bear!

NERO ROARS - Ow!

You scratched me.

Bear costume from Germany.

What are you doing? - I'm making a list

so you can write thank you letters.

Well, don't

because I'm in charge now

and I'm not writing thank you letters.

People can thank me, for taking their presents.

Shouldn't they? Yeah. - Mm.

Next.

Ah, there! There we are, right at the bottom.

NERO: Next? - MAN: The Gaulish legate.

So, where are you from?

Britain. - Oh.

What did you bring him? A bag of rain?

HE LAUGHS No, uh... lead.

Right, good luck with that.

HE CLICKS HlS TEETH

A razor? That's rubbish.

Take him away and punish him.

Oh, no!

SWORDS SWOOSH - AGONISED GRUNT

NERO: Next! - LEGATE: Greetings

from Britain. - The stain, huh?

Ooh, heavy. I hope it's gold.

I hope it's gold, I hope it's gold, I hope it's gold!

It's not gold.

It's lead!

Use it for lining tanks...

weights and measures...

Ha! lt's a joke!

Joke present.

I'll just go and get your real present...

now...

Present, present, present...

Oh... uh... no.

Ah...

TRADER: Gladiator sweat! - Oh.

Pure Gladiator sweat!

Cheers mate.

Oh! Perfect, one bottle of sweat, please.

All gone, mate.

You snooze-icus, you lose-icus.

What? But I need it now.

Did I hear you need some gladiator sweat?

LEGATE SIGHS - Two hundred Dinarii.

I'll take it.

FAN FARE SOUNDS

Ladies and gentlemen...

Christians and lions!

Come on you lions! - Shush!

Please, show your appreciation

for the all powerful ruler

of the Roman Empire!

Mum, Mum! He was talking about me.

That's my throne Mother, get off! Get off!

No, no! Darling, everyone's watching.

Don't make a spectacle.

You said I'd be in charge, so now I'm in charge.

Are you? - Yes, whose face is it

on the coins, huh?

Whose face? - My face.

Exactly, your face.

What? HE TUTS

Well what's your face doing on my coins?

FAN FARE SOUNDS - AUDlENCE APPLAUDS

We who are about to die salute you.

Oh, goody, some mindless violence.

IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Who' s got a funny voice now, eh?

Hiyah!

SICKENING THUD - CROWD GROANS

"Come to the games", you said.

"I've got front row seats", you said.

On the head, son! - GLADIATORS GRUNT

Atti, where have you been?

SHE GASPS How on earth did you get those?

I had this really clever idea.

My Emperor! From Britain...

what I meant to give you.

Pure Gladiator sweat.

The finest anti-aging lotion in all of Rome.

Not that you need it, obviously.

It's a challenging aroma. - Very.

HE SNIFFS Notes of fresh grass

and leather, I like it.

It's so you!

That's horse wee.

Horse wee? - Lt's so " not" you.

You're dead. - It was him!

He sold it to me.

My chambers now.

Oh!

NERO: Right, punishments...

This one, I'm thinking, roll down a hill

in a barrel full of spikes. - Lnspired.

Say thank you to the Emperor. - Thank you, Emperor.

Oh... - NERO: And this one...

crucifixion. - Wonderful.

Teeny hiccup, ooh...

legally you're not supposed to crucify Roman citizens.

Annoying. - Mm...

How about that one where they sew ' em in a sack with a snake

a dog, a rooster and a monkey

and chuck ' em in the river Tiber?

SYCOPHANTUS: Technically that's for the crime

of killing your own father.

Oh, this is impossible!

He ruined my birthday!

He deserves a fate worse than death.

Worse than death?

What could be worse than death?

I've got it!

I'll send you to Britain.

Where? - NERO: Exactly.

I'll make you a soldier.

So you ' ll have to wear short skirts

with bare legs in the freezing cold.

No, please. I'm sorry.

To Britain with him. - No, but...

but I can't fight!

I just wanted a new pair of sandals.

See where being clever gets ya?

Shall I run Emperor a bath?

Why?

Oh, yeah!

You're not having a sword.

Dad, please. - I said no, Orla.

But I wanna be a Celtic warrior!

Oh, it's not fair!

Girls my age in other tribes have swords.

Yeah. Well, I am chieftain of this tribe

and I'm saying to you, you're not ready to fight.

But I am! I want to fight Romans.

Why? We can't beat them, they're too strong.

They're too organised.

METAL CLANGS OUTSlDE - Whereas, the Celtic tribes

I mean they can't stop feuding with one another.

What is that banging? Excuse me.

CLANKING CONTINUES - Uh... Brenda?

Hello. Where did you get that shield from?

I, uh... I found it.

You didn't steal it off the Brigantes tribe, did you?

Me? No.

Looks nice, Gran. - Thanks, love.

Look...

We don't want to start a war we can't win, you know?

The modern way of doing it

is to co-operate with the Romans.

Argh! - Like the Iceni tribe do.

Roman lovers!

Not all Romans are bad.

Well, name one good thing about them.

Fine, um...

their roads are excellent.

So straight, you know. How could you not like that?

I don't think Dougal likes it.

Oh, come on, Dad. They're so annoying.

They just go round taking whatever they want

marching all over everything.

I mean, why would we wanna co-operate with them?

I've heard the lceni are doing alright out of it.

Let's just go and see for ourselves.

Can I come?

Yes, fine. Just... try not to steal anything

What, me?

ARGH US: Oh...

BRENDA: Oh, lovely.

ARGH US: Come on, Brenda.

Oh, look at the Roman pillars on their chief's hut.

Oh, I like those.

Yes, the lceni are certainly progressive.

ORLA: Yeah, their girls are allowed swords.

Chief Prasutagus certainly knows how to live.

Prasutagus is dead.

BRENDA LAUGHS - Shh!

I tried to save him.

I used the most advanced Celtic medicine.

You got a dog to lick him? - Mm-hm.

Oh, then you did all that could be done.

HE SOBS

That's Prasutagus ' wife, Boudicca.

She's queen now.

As Roman Procurator, it falls to me

Catus Decianus, to read the Will.

"I, Prasutagus, chief of the lceni

do hereby leave all my worldly possessions to...

my cat.

I'm joking.

Joking. - Sorry, what's a cat?

It's a Roman thing, like a small furry dog

only it doesn't really like you

it just pretends to like you to get food.

But it, it doesn't really matter cos I, I was only joking.

Everything goes to Nero.

SHE LAUGHS - That's the joke, right?

No. Perfectly serious.

Men. HE WHlSTLES

SOLDIER 1: Yes, sir. - SOLDIER 2: Sir.

But we had an agreement.

It was meant to be split between Nero and me.

Minor technicality.

Put that back! - Yeah, you see, in Roman law

only men can inherit, so Nero says

as you don't have any sons

all your wealth defaults to him.

You should have read the old small print.

We ' re Celts, we can't read.

Well, you can't do this.

We ' re Romans, we can do anything we want.

Come on then, boys.

Let's get this stuff back to Colchester.

That chaise is gonna look lovely in my atrium.

Look, I won't stand for this!

This is not OK!

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

Yah!

CROWD YELLS

Whack ' em, smash ' em

ARGH US: Come back here now.

What? But you said we should follow the lceni's example.

Yes, well, not any more.

I don't get it. First you say be more like the lceni

and then you change your mind.

Look, Orla, I don't want you to get hurt.

You're all I've got.

BRENDA: Ahem!

Stop coughing.

I don't think you're ready.

I am. Why won't you believe me?

I wanna take on the Romans and I can.

I'll prove it. - No, no...

Orla, back home now, OK?

Hey, wearing the chief's hat!

You could give Orla a chance, you know.

Don't encourage her.

Where did you get that?

It's mine. I brought it with me.

Really?

So I tell Catus, " Don't give any of it to Boudicca.

It's mine, all mine."

Brilliant. Quite brilliant.

You do know she's started a rebellion?

Yes. Thank you, Mother. I can handle this on my own.

Alright, darling, if you're sure.

I am sure. Where are you going?

Well, since you don't want my help

I thought I'd go on a little imperial tour.

But the imperial tour's for the Emperor.

For me to meet my subjects on my imperial boat.

I'm the one in charge.

In charge of a terrible mess in Britain.

I hope you're not remembered

as the Emperor who lost part of his Empire.

Good luck stopping Boudicca.

Ciao.

If only there was a way to get rid of her.

Send in more troops.

Not Boudicca, my mother.

How dare she take my boat?

My boat.

HE GASPS I have an idea.

Brilliant. Quite brilliant.

Well, you haven't heard it yet.

I'm gonna booby-trap the boat.

Make it sink while my mother's on board.

You can say it now. - Brilliant. Quite brilliant.

Anyway, I've got nothing to worry about.

My troops ' ll smash Boudicca to pieces.

FIGHTlNG NOISES - CELTS LAUGH

Whoa! We smashed them!

That was awesome!

I'm so pumped, so pumped, so pumped!

What an amazing show! - Do you think we went a bit

overboard with the smoke, though?

I mean... Bouds, you were just like

"Hello, Colchester! ".

And then, you were like

"Goodbye, Colchester!"

THEY LAUGH - Yeah! We really tore ' em up!

You were on fire.

Yeah!

Thanks for putting me out. - Mm.

Hup, hup, hup, hup...

Hup, hup, hup, hup...

And... halt!

Welcome to Britain, loser.

Leave me alone, Celcius.

What are you gonna do about it, Atti? Tell your dad?

ATTlGRUNTS

On your feet, soldier!

But, sir... - Don't answer back.

Get down and give me ten!

DEClMUS: One! - ATTl GRUNTS

DEClMUS: Two!

Oh, make it five. I haven't got all day.

Lame. - Right, men, listen up!

This is my final mission before I retire

and I intend to get it over and done with

as quickly as possible so I can return to Rome.

ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS - Ah, beautiful Rome.

With its dry Mediterranean climate and non-stop summers.

HE SNIFFS - MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Luckily, this is an easy posting.

Nothing ever happens here. - Oh, well that's a downer.

Ah, here comes the Procurator.

Hail, Catus Decianus!

Yes, welcome to Britain. And you are welcome to it.

A Celtic Queen called Boudicca's gone loco.

Completely destroyed Colchester.

Anyway, there are your orders. Bye!

Catus, defend the Empire and crush the Celts.

Hang on a minute. These are your orders.

Just gonna borrow your boat.

You won't be needing it

seeing as you ' II all be dead!

Right, men, forward march!

For the glory of Rome!

ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS Ah, wonderful Rome.

Its vines hanging heavy with succulent, sun-ripened grapes.

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY - KNOCKING ON DOOR

Hello, I'm calling today on behalf of Boudicca

Queen of the Iceni.

Sorry, I never buy things at the door.

Oh, no, sir we ' re not selling, we ' re recruiting.

For her army. We ' re asking Celtic tribes to unite.

Yeah, not interested.

SWORDS SWOOSH - You're either with us

or you're against us.

Oh, Boudicca's army, you say?

Yeah, that sounds great.

Love that. Yeah.

♪ Bash them Celts and smash their heads! ♪

ARMY: ♪ Bash them Celts and smash their heads! ♪

♪ I would rather be in bed ♪

♪ I would rather be in bed ♪

♪ We 're Roman soldiers trained to kill ♪

ARMY: ♪ We 're Roman soldiers trained to kill ♪

♪ This guy really needs to chill ♪

♪ This guy really needs to chill ♪

THEY CHUCKLE - Atti, you're a legend.

DECIMUS: Quiet at the back! - Oh!

I ' II show my dad.

DECIMUS: ♪ Rattie with the Celtic tribes ♪

ARMY: ♪ Battle with the Celtic... - Stupid sandals.

♪ Just a minute, hold on, guys ♪

No, seriously. Guys, hold on.

Guys...

Argh!

ARMY CONTINUES CHANTING

Where's Atti gone? - Dunno.

Now who says I'm not ready to be a warrior?

Orla, what have you done?

Taken a Roman prisoner...

all on my own.

See, told you I could do it.

You're just gonna have to take him back.

What? I thought you'd be pleased.

You can't keep a prisoner. It's hard work.

You have to feed it. You have to exercise it.

Who's gonna clean up after him? - I am here, you know.

He's my prisoner. I found him, and I wanna keep him.

OK, fine.

You ' II get bored soon enough, and then someone

will have to get rid of him.

There's no pleasing some people.

HE IMITATES BRENDA: "There's no pleasing some people".

ATTI SNIFFS

You can't keep me in a pig shed.

It, it's inhumane. - What?

This is our best hut.

Why does it smell like animal poo?

How d 'you think we made the walls? Stupid.

Oh, gross.

And who are you calling "stupid "?

You're a Celt. I heard you lot can't even read.

So? - So, Celts know nothing

about anything. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Ha!

Oh...

Don't you like our decorations. - Decorations?

You lot are savages. - Says a Roman!

You're the ones turning up here killing everyone.

Uh, we're civilising you.

Well, we don't wanna be "civilised ", thanks.

We ' re happy with things just the way they are.

What, you actually want walls made out of poo?

In Rome, our houses are made out of stone.

And we have proper decorations, like sculptures

and mosaics and fountains... - Really?

Well if it's so amazing, why don't you just go back home?

No-one wants you here.

You should all go. Before Boudicca makes you.

What, you seriously think the Romans can be bested by a girl?

HE GRUNTS

Bested.

HE SIGHS

I ' II take that sword, thank you, young lady.

Dad!

NERO CHUCKLES Look, these two are fighting.

Ahem!

Alright, alright.

Uh, put the catapults here.

Very good, Emperor.

And then our troops are like, "Oh, the Britons look cold

let's warm them up ".

They unleash burning tar and the Britons are like

"Help, I'm melting ".

HE MAKES IMPACT NOISE

That's a Roman spear going straight through the back.

I bring grave news, Emperor.

Oh, no. My mother's boat sank. She's dead.

It's not about your mother.

It says Boudicca has burnt Colchester to the ground.

You what?

Oh... please, Emperor, don't shoot the...

HE YELLS

Fantastic shot.

MESSENGER GROANS

It says more tribes are joining her uprising.

She's uniting the Celts.

No, no, no, no, no, you did that all wrong.

Look, it's like this.

Clippity, cloppity, clippity, cloppy.

NERO NEIGHS Clippity, cloppity.

How many times, Orla?

You cannot come to Boudicca's rally.

Because number one, you're not a warrior.

Yeah, I am.

Number two, you have got a prisoner to feed.

And number three...

because I said so.

Alright? Let's bounce.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, what's that? I'm starving.

Parsnip soup.

Have you not got any proper food?

Like sow's udders, or flamingo tongues?

What? - Jellyfish omelette?

SHE SIGHS Well, if you don't want it...

No, I...

I'll try some.

Thanks. - SOUP SLOPS

I'm Atti, by the way.

I'm...

not telling you my name.

Right. Well nice to meet you, "Not Telling You My Name".

I'm Orla, alright.

So, Orla, what you gonna do with me now

or don't you know? - Of course I know.

I've had loads of prisoners before. Like all the time.

Course you have.

I guess you're planning to...

ransom me. - Yeah.

Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking.

Ransom you and get some money.

Bingo. You get the cash. I get to go home.

Everybody's happy.

I'm not interested in your happiness.

Charming.

CROWD CHEERS

When two tribes go to war

we can burn the Roman capital to the ground!

CROWD CHEERS

Imagine what we could do if all the Celtic tribes united!

Hey, you're right.

Oi. Stop winding up the Brigantes, will you.

I'm not! - MAN: Take 'em all down.

So put aside your petty squabbles.

Well who cares if he called you names?

Who cares if she stole your shield?

Was that you? - Might have been.

Big nose! - MAN: Hey!

Stealing's not nice, you know.

I'm gonna make you regret it. - Oh, yeah?

You and who's army?

Me and my army! - MEN: Yeah!

BOUDICCA: Did you hear what I just said?

Alright, we need to unite. This is war.

Too right it's war!

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

CROWD SHOUTS

Save it for the Romans!

My tribe, over here now!

You're gonna get what's coming to you.

Whatever! - By the full moon.

I'm sorry. But if you think you can unite the Celtic tribes

good luck.

CROWD CLAMOURS

NERO: Who are these guys? - Those are trees.

I knew that. Who are these?

That's the Ninth Legion. The IX men.

The most feared fighting force in the Roman Army.

We shouldn't use them. We should give them the month off.

ARMY CHIEF: Are you sure, Emperor?

No, of course we should use them!

I was being sarcastic, weren't I?

Oh, yes. - NERO: Send them into battle.

And I suggest you make the correct noise.

Tchnk, tchnk, tchnk, tchnk.

SOLDIERS CHINK

Can't lose now, high V!

I'm the best at war!

Boudicca's going down.

Much like mother on my imperial boat.

Yes, I don't need my mummy! - POP MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Oh, hello, Mum.

My boat sank.

LAST CHORD OF SONG PLAYS

GOATS BLEAT

Uh, what are you doing?

Go on then, write your ransom note.

You want me to write my own ransom note?

Oh, Celts can't write.

Get writing, prisoner.

Send one unarmed soldier...

with thirty Roman coins.

Rude. I'm worth way more than that.

SHE SNIGGERS I'd say thirty was pushing it.

By the full moon, or we'll send him back...

dead.

You have written that, haven't you?

Word for word?

Of course.

IX men.

Wow. Loving the camouflage, Cedric.

HE WHISPERS: That's just a bush.

I knew that.

Right. Ready?

Booouuu... - CELTS SHOUT: dicaaaa!

SOLDIERS SCREAM

Uh... where do you think you're going, messenger?

So, how did Boudicca die?

Is her head on a spike?

Give me all the gory details. Come on.

Well, the IX men

have now become the... ex-men.

Because the Celts were all like, "Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh".

And the Roman guts were all like

squidge, squidge... - Don't make the noises!

You only make the noises when it's going well!

HE STRAINS

Who said you can move?

HE GRUNTS

Can I get some help? - Hm?

A little bit of help.

Tuscan marble.

A table worthy of a mighty Emperor.

On my three.

One, two, three.

Argh! Oooh!

DIMIDIUS SHOUTS: Atti!

Atti, mate!

Atti!

Atti!

It's like he was here one minute and now he's gone.

Oh, you don't think he was eaten by a tiger?

I'm not sure there's tigers in Britain.

A squirrel then?

HELMET CLANGS - TIMIDIUS GASPS

We're under attack! - CELCIUS: Form a testudo!

DIMIDIUS: Oh, it's from Atti. - TIMIDIUS: What does it say?

Kidnapped by Celts.

Please rescue by the full moon.

Celts are sausages, espe... - Uh, uh...

I think that says "savages".

Yeah. - Yeah.

"Celts are savages, especially the girls.

Atti. P.S. food awful.

P.P.S. Aaaargh!"

Are you expecting rain?

Has he turned up yet?

I will not lose a man from my unit.

Still no sign of him, sir.

He must have deserted.

Deserted? - He's just the type.

I know him from Rome.

Ah, Rome... - ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS

Beautiful really not that far away Rome.

He's probably stolen a horse

ridden to the coast

found a friendly fisherman

hitched a ride to Gaul, and run all the way home.

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Or something like that, anyway.

HE SNIFFS

DECIMUS: What? - PAPER RIPS

Uh, what are you doing?

Shouldn't we be rescuing him?

You, stay out of it.

Very rude.

OWL HOOTS

My men are coming.

SHE SCOFFS Yeah, right.

I bet they'll be here within the hour.

What's an hour?

You don't have sundials, do you?

Do you wanna see something clever?

ORLA: if I must.

OK.

Imagine that that is the sun.

This is Britain, we don't have sun.

Imagine you're in Rome and that is the sun.

Now as the sun rises

it casts a shadow

here...

and then at sunset...

there.

Now, all you do is divide the daylight

into 12 equal sections

and each one of them is a Roman hour.

Hours are shorter in the winter and get longer in the summer.

Cos that's not confusing!

It's not, you see...

the days are longer so the hours are longer.

Simple. - So it's the summer now

which means the hours are longer.

Mm-hm. - So by my calculations

your "men will be here in the next hour" means

they're never coming.

Loser.

CRICKETS CHIRP

OWL HOOTS

ATTI: Guys, you came!

Oh, sorry, mate, wrong hut.

ATTI: Excuse me. You left the door open.

Grab the old woman.

BRENDA: Oi! Less of the old!

MAN: Up you get, love. - BRENDA: Get off me!

SHE GRUNTS AND GROANS

MAN LAUGHS

That will teach you to mess with the Brigantes.

Boot's on the other foot, isn't it, lady?

See how you like it.

ATTI: Ooh, they left the door open.

Orla.

Orla, Brenda's been taken.

What?

It must have been the Brigantes.

And the Roman has escaped. Brilliant.

What if he gets his mates and comes back here?

Well I don't understand. I tied him up really well.

I'm gonna get him back.

No, you're not. - He can't have got far.

This time I'll kill him

and then I'll go and rescue Gran.

No way. - Come on, Dad.

I'm ready to be a warrior. Just let me prove it.

OK. - Yes!

I'll need the sword.

You're impossible.

My own sword! - Hey!

It's to borrow

and only use it in an emergency.

Thanks, Dad! I can do it, trust me!

Hi, Orla.

HELMET CLANGS

Ugh, not again!

Can I just say how well-tied your knots were.

Very impressive. - Shut up

and prepare to die, Roman. - No, no, no, stop.

They took your gran, right?

I can help you get her back.

How? - I... um...

know stuff. - Yeah, I won't be needing

a sundial. - Not just sundials

other stuff... Roman knowhow.

We can share our skills.

Teamwork makes the dream work?

OK, fine.

But we're not a team.

You're still my prisoner.

I mean it.

If you try anything... - SWORD SWOOSHES

Walk.

WOMAN: To battle! To war! Ha, ha, ha!

Your army grows, Boudicca.

More Britons come to your side every day.

How many are we now then? - Fifty thousand.

Oh! Fifty thousand and one.

CROWD CHEERS

Welcome aboard.

Fifty thousand and two. - CROWD CHEERS

Good to have you.

Fifty thousand and threeeee!

HE GRUNTS - CROWD: Oh!

Uh, fifty thousand and two. - BODY THUDS

Whoops! Uh...

Thanks for your service.

Shall we, uh...

Shall we go and burn London? - Yeah, alright.

THEY ALL YELL

And this is me in Capri at the imperial banquet

in my honour.

Nobody cares about your holiday carvings, Mother.

And here's me in my luxury VIP suite

in my luxury VIP villa.

Goat's brains in a rotten fish guts sauce?

Nein. I couldn't possibly. I'm too full.

Bucket. Bucket!

It's the polite Roman way.

Be sick so you can eat more food.

And zey call us barbarians!

HE VOMITS

"Come to Nero's dinner party", you said.

"It'll be fun", you said.

You won't believe this, but one night

the ceiling right above my bed collapsed.

It's almost like somebody booby-trapped it.

Thank Juno I wasn't in bed

or I'd have been flattened.

Imagine.

Do excuse me. I just need to nip to the loo.

Oh...

HE WEES - HE SIGHS

HE KEEPS WEEING

HE KEEPS WEEING

SILENCE

HE WEES AGAIN

HE SIGHS Lovely.

I hear Boudicca is heading for London.

You really ought to stop her.

You know what Claudius would have done?

Guess what, I don't care what Claudius would've done.

I'm in charge now. Don't you forget it.

He'd have sent in the Governor.

HE MIMICS HER "He'd have sent in the Governor"

Yeah. What? There's a Governor in Britain?

Yes, Gaius Suetonius Paulinus.

And what is he doing?

He's in Wales, oh mighty one, defeating Druids.

Druids? - Savage Celtic priests.

Well, tell him to stop that

and to sort out Boudicca.

Well done, darling.

Don't patronise me. I'm on top of this.

HE WHISPERS: Where's Wales?

FIGHTERS GRUNT

ls nobody a match for the mighty Paulinus?

Nero will no doubt bestow an award for this.

ECHOING: Paulinus! Paulinus!

Paulinus's name on the wind.

Tis the gods commending his triumph.

Paulinus! Paulinus.

Oh, it is you, weedy messenger.

HE PANTS It's much...

much...

HE WHEEZES

It's much hillier than I thought it would be.

Oh, it is Wales, Weed, Druid country.

DRUID WAILS - Hold that thought!

HE GRUNTS

SECOND DRUID WAILS - THEY GRUNT

Paulinus has crushed them in the name of Nero.

But that's just it. Nero's message says

you are to stop immediately.

Stop? - ALL BATTLE SOUNDS STOP

Paulinus never stops!

SOUND RESTARTS - Oh!

You have to stop. Nero is really annoyed.

What?

Ah!

Yes. An even greater victory awaits Paulinus.

To destroy Boudicca and vanquish the Celts.

Men! Stop!

DRUID: Urgh!

Sorry.

Follow Paulinus!

At the double!

MESSENGER GASPS

You really don't need to point that thing at me, you know.

Not now we're a team.

Bet you don't even know how to use it.

SWORD SWOOSHES

Oh... - Yep.

I train in secret. I'm gonna be a warrior.

You know Celts are the toughest fighters in the world.

Really?

So, why is there a Roman Empire then?

Never heard of a British one.

You won't be so smug when Boudicca has thrashed you.

I'm gonna join her army after we've rescued Gran.

You actually want to join the army?

You're crazy. - No, I'm not.

It'll be awesome. Looking all fierce

painted with blue woad, being in a gang.

I was made to join up as a punishment

Punishment? How is it a punishment?

Uh... let me think about that. Oh, there's the marching

the being shouted at, the marching

the getting bullied.

Did I mention the marching?

CROWD CHANTS: Boudicca! Boudicca!

No way!

SHE SCOFFS It's Boudicca. She's here.

CROWD CHANTS: Boudicca! Boudicca!

Come on.

CROWD SHOUTS AND CHEERS

BOUDICCA: Hey! Hello!

CROWD CHANTS: Boudicca! - BOUDICCA: Everybody OK?

BOUDICCA: Come, let's do this!

MUSIC PUMPS

CROWD: Yah!

CROWD CHEERS

BOUDICCA: What shall we do for an encore?

How about London? - CROWD CHEERS

She's incredible. I mean, look at her.

What are you doing?

Oh! Not scared of a few Celts, are you?

Are you just gonna keep dancing

or do you wanna go rescue your gran?

Yeah...

that's what I thought.

MEN CHATTER

ORLA: There's Gran.

Let's go.

You can't just barge in there.

We'll get killed.

We need to be clever.

We need a plan.

Alright, big shot. So what is your plan?

Well, the plan was to escape before we got here.

So now...

No...

got nothing. - You said Romans know stuff.

We do.

Yeah, we do.

A poppy? You're giving me flowers?

No.

There's this Roman potion I read about in my scrolls.

Just need a few more ingredients.

MEN CHATTER - Oh...

HE STIFLES A SNEEZE

Don't you dare!

It's the tree.

I think I'm...

a... allergic

HE SNEEZES

Whoa!

THEY GRUNT

CELTS SNORE

it worked.

How long before they wake up?

I dunno.

What do you mean, you don't know?

HE SIGHS I've never made it before.

I only read about it.

You mean they could wake up any minute?

Gran.

Gran!

BRENDA: Orla, you came.

What's he doing here?

Long story. - Orla!

Can you chop this off for me?

I'll be back.

The plait. Not the head.

I know, I'm not a savage.

Mm...

Whoa.

Roman catapult.

Technically a ballista.

Awesome. - Well...

It's Roman, isn't it? So...

Now all we need is a projectile.

Something heavy.

CELT SNORES

HE GROANS Not that heavy!

BODY THUDS

ORLA: Stand back, gran!

Well done, my little brain ball!

Oh, food.

I am starving.

Gran, no! - SHE SLURPS

CELT ROARS

Oh, no, they're waking up.

ZOMBIE-LIKE MOANING

Oh!

Ha! - HORSE SNORTS

How do you make it go? - Uh... give it a carrot.

What? You got a carrot? - No!

ZOMBIE MOANING CONTINUES - Come on, quick!

HORSE NEIGHS

Whoa!

Atti, where are the brakes?

Orla! - MOANING CONTINUES

ATTI: Wait.

CELTS YELL

Orla, slow down!

Oh, come on!

HE GASPS

Whoooo! - ORLA: We did it!

Whoooo!

PAULINUS: London burns.

Great fire.

Let's hope it never happens again.

And so Boudicca destroys another Roman city.

Her army overwhelms us.

CELCIUS: Whoa, that must be him.

That must be Paulinus, the Governor.

He's a lot smaller than he looks in the mosaics.

Centurion Decimus Maximus reporting for duty, sir!

HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS - We may be outnumbered...

we may face certain death...

but we must strike the Celts

for the glory of Rome!

ALL: The glory of Rome!

Is what some might say.

HEROIC MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

But if we turn this green grass red with our own blood

the Celts will win

and where will the glory of Rome be then?

Better to bide our time.

Wait for another opportunity to confront her.

Would be the words of a coward!

HEROIC MUSIC RESTARTS

Our swords once drawn cannot be sheathed

until they slay ten Celts each!

It does not matter if we live or die...

HE SNORTS

would be the words of a rash man.

HEROIC MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY - HE SIGHS

PAULINUS: We will wait.

Let London burn.

We will have our hour later.

Or will we? - HEROIC MUSIC RESTARTS

PAULINUS: Yes, we will.

And so speaks Paulinus.

I'm a bit confused now.

I can't believe we just fired a guy through the air.

Who taught you how to make a catapult?

No one. I just read about them in my scrolls.

Although, I think we may have

borrowed that idea from the Greeks.

You stole it?

Yeah, but there's loads of other great things

we did come up with.

Like what? - Roman baths.

Actually, I think we nicked that idea from the Greeks too.

You Romans are such a bunch of thieves.

Gladiators. They're Roman.

What's a gladiator?

Someone who fights for entertainment.

You'd love it. - Yeah, sounds awesome.

ORLA: I could have cut those ropes

on the cage with my sword.

ATTI: Now you tell me.

Get down.

Celts. if they see you dressed like that you're in trouble.

Nice!

HE SIGHS

Oh, traffic jam.

This is Colin, your eye in the sky

with the travel news.

And there's heavy congestion on Watling Street.

It is nose-to-tail out there.

HORSE FARTS - Phew!

As thousands of Celts head to join Boudicca's rebellion

we're seeing jams build up right here

where three lanes merge into one.

Ah, yes, classic bottleneck.

Hey, you cut me up!

If you don't shut it, I will cut you up.

Oh, yeah? - Yeah!

This is actually happening.

CROWD CLAMOURS

CROWD CHANTS: Fight, fight, fight!

We'll get stuck if we go up there.

Let's find another way.

HARP CLINKS

HARP CLINKS

HARP CLINKS - FOOTSTEPS RUN AWAY

Sorry we missed you. You were out.

Wait! I'm in!

I'm in, by Jupiter!

LIQUID SPLASHES - HE SIGHS

Oh, someone's nervous.

Sponge?

Oh, thanks very much.

Ah, caught short were you?

What news?

No news, Emperor. I was just passing.

What's that then?

Oh, oh, oh, oh this?

Oh, it's just a bit of paper...

that I'm using to, um...

HE FARTS

wipe my bottom.

Toilet paper?

That will never catch on.

You're lying.

"London has fallen". - HE GASPS

Boudicca has burnt down another one of my cities.

Right! No more Mr Nice Guy.

THEY FART - POO PLOPS

NERO: Ah, this is all your fault, Claudius.

You had to go and conquer that weird stain Britain.

Now I'm gonna be the Emperor who lost the Roman Empire.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I could help you.

Whoa!

Claudius, you speak!

I'm sorry about the whole murdering you thing.

CLAUDIUS: Forget about it.

Want to know how to save Britain?

Yes, yes, yes. Please, yes.

CLAUDIUS: Tell Paulinus he cannot win on strength.

He must use strategy.

Find a way to trap the Celts.

Ooh, trap them, that's good.

CLAUDIUS: And listen to your mother.

For she is clever

and cunning and really quite beautiful.

Be sure to give her whatever she asks for.

NERO: Mother! - I'm right, though

aren't I?

Orla's back!

BRENDA YAWNS

Dad, we did it. We rescued Gran.

Ah, my girl.

My little Celtic warrior.

I'm so proud of you.

Hold on, what's that Roman doing back here?

I thought you was gonna kill him, Orla.

We could kill him.

Wait, I um... I helped her rescue Brenda.

BRENDA: it is true. He did.

We should be thanking the gods.

Exactly. - BRENDA: So...

let's sacrifice him.

Ahem. What? - Sacrifice.

Yeah, drown him in the bog!

Uh, hang on a minute.

No, he'll be an offering to our gods.

You lucky thing.

Hey, it's a great honour.

Orla, tell them, please. - Bog!

CELTS CHANT: Bog! Bog! Bog! Bog! Bog!

Come on!

ATTI: Orla?

Orla help!

MRS DOUGAL RAPS ♪ Bog on the bog ♪

♪ A bogga bog bog ♪

♪ It's time to bogga bog ♪

♪ Take it to the bog, can't bring it to the bog ♪

♪ A bogga bogga bogga to the max I am ♪

♪ No stopping in the bog ♪

♪ Let's drop him in the bog ♪

♪ Bogga bogga bogga bogga bog ♪

♪ Let's jam, yeah, let's jam, yeah ♪

Yeah. As you were.

SHE GIGGLES - BOG CHANTING CONTINUES

Orla, do something. - ORLA: Dad, wait, just wait.

Look, me and Atti, we rescued Gran together.

So I really think...

I should have the honour of killing him.

What?

I thought we were mates.

Well, I have proved myself, haven't I?

Yes, yes you have.

Go on, he's all yours.

Makes you proud.

Oh, they grow up so fast.

Seriously?

After everything?

Shut up and keep walking.

When I tell you to run

leg it and don't look back.

Really?

Won't you get into trouble?

What will your dad say?

Thanks, Orla.

Run! - MAN: Oi!

DOUGAL: He's getting away. - Oh, she's letting him go.

What was that for?

We never get to chuck anyone in the bog any more.

Dad, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

DOUGAL: Not a good enough reason.

HE PANTS

ATTI: Guys! Guys!

It's me, I found you.

Atti! - Oh, yeah...

we were gonna come and rescue you but, uh...

CELCIUS: Hello, Atti!

I've caught the deserter!

Deserter? What?

No, I was captured and taken prisoner by a tribe of Celts.

Tell us the location of this tribe

and they will feel the wrath of Rome.

ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS - Beautiful, civilised Rome.

With its brick walls and proper toilets.

ITALIAN MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

What, soldier?

I... I can't tell you their location.

Because there is no such tribe.

The deserter is to receive 100 lashes.

Could be worse. - And then is to be

cudgelled to death by his comrades.

Yeah, that's worse.

THEY BOTH SING

Stop that! Stop it! - MUSIC STOPS

It's too slushy!

I won't have slushy songs, not on my watch.

HIS VOICE BREAKS Bad for troop morale.

Hey, Brenda.

You haven't seen Orla, have you?

I thought she might have followed us back.

You know where she will have gone, don't you?

Boudicca.

Oh, and she's gone into battle.

ARGHUS: Come on!

PAULINUS: Boudicca has destroyed St Albans.

The Celts outnumber us ten to one.

Paulinus cannot win on strength alone.

Nero wants us to use strategy.

Find a way to trap the Celts.

But Paulinus does not know how.

Atti knows.

Atti knows how.

Who's Atti? - He's me.

Why do you speak of yourself in the third person?

Only big-heads do that.

Sorry, sir. - 100 lashes.

PAULINUS: Wait!

What have you got to say?

He's a deserter, sir.

Not you, him. Hold on...

A deserter? - No, wait.

I have an idea, just...

I can help you, I know stuff.

Just, please, give me a chance.

Paulinus will not... - WHIP SNAPS

ATTI GRUNTS - No, wait, hold on.

Paulinus will not punish you until he hears your idea.

Sorry, I thought you meant... - You have one chance.

Do not fail.

Hello.

My name is Attilius Minus

and I was brutally captured by the Celts.

We don't wanna hear your sob story, boy.

Nobody likes a cry baby.

So what's your strategy? - Um, well, what you need

is a landscape that works as a bottleneck.

So loads of people can get in

but only a few can get to the front at one time.

The rest will be trapped.

But where are we gonna find somewhere like that?

HE SNIGGER Idiot.

I've seen the perfect spot.

It's just by Watling street.

Paulinus does not like this plan.

HE LAUGHS Yeah!

He loves it.

Genius.

The boy's a credit to Rome.

SOLDIERS CHEER

Here we are at Watling Street and look...

it's a bottleneck.

It's perfect.

Paulinus will sit here

and draw the Celts into his trap.

Uh, your trap. Our trap.

Go. Make sure Boudicca knows exactly where we are.

Paulinus is gonna slaughter them all.

Slaughter them? - Yeah.

What do you mean? - Slaughter, verb. Transitive.

Meaning to kill or butcher in a brutal or violent manner.

There, um... there must be a misunderstanding.

I thought you were just gonna trap them? Take them prisoner.

Oh, no. To oppose Rome is to die.

And thanks to you, Attilius, the only Celts left

will be dead Celts.

What have I done?

Has anyone heard from Paulinus?

Has he thought of a strategy?

Maybe I should just give Britain up as a bad job, yeah?

Let them keep their miserable little country.

AGRIPPINA: Oh, my darling.

Would you like Mummy to take over?

No, leave me alone.

Uh, message for you.

A message, my Emperor.

From Paulinus?

Boudicca.

I can't play the lyre?

Well, she has a point. You never do your practice.

And I sing like a girl?

Well that's what it says.

SHE SIGHS

Let me give you some advice. - Right, that's it.

Will someone just do me a favour and killer her?

KNIFE SWOOSHES - Ow!

SHE GASPS

I meant Boudicca.

Hm? - Argh!

Sorry. - Don't be.

It's a good job, unsubtle but effective.

I was probably over-thinking it.

I should thank you.

HE CHUCKLES Thank you, my Emperor.

But you did just kill my mother

so I will have to execute you instead.

Guards.

Ugh! After all that I've done for you?

Oh, I never liked you anyway.

Now that she's gone, that just leaves Boudicca.

Watch out, woad face, Rome is comin' atcha!

ARMIES CLAMOUR

Aye, well, there's loads of us now.

Well, excitement here is reaching fever pitch.

The headline act is due on any minute

and what a turn out.

Cartloads of fans have come to see the show.

And they haven't been put off by the mud

or the terrible toilets.

Oh, no, I dropped my sword down there!

Oh! SHE GROANS

CROWD CLAMOURS

And here she is now, the woman of the moment.

Queen B! Queen B!

Hello, Watling Street. It's great to be here.

Let's see if we can go and speak to her.

Boudicca. Colchester, London...

St Albans. You destroyed them all, I mean, what a tour!

Yeah, thanks. - GIRL: I love you!

And the followers here certainly seem fired up for a big finale.

Yeah, well, you know.

I wanted to give the fans what they're after.

Get them right up close to the action looking at me.

Now, I've got to ask

if you do need to retreat won't these carts be in the way?

Retreat? SHE LAUGHS

Uh, I don't know the meaning of the word.

You know, there are only 10,000 of them.

There's 100,000 of us.

We're gonna knock 'em dead!

Well, confident fighting talk there.

Now over to the battlefield.

ARGHUS: How are we gonna find her here?

BRENDA: There are so many people.

Orla!

Orla!

Dad?

I'm a warrior! Look at me! Whoo!

ORLA: Wait, I'm not ready.

Wait, stop, wait, Dad!

Dad, help me!

I've changed my mind!

ORLA SHOUTS: Dad!

ARGHUS: Orla, where are you?

MUSIC STARTS

Uh, we just gotta get our praying out of the way.

Oh, yeah, us too, yeah.

ARMY ROARS

MUSIC STOPS - ARMIES SHOUT AND GRUNT

"Come on holiday", you said.

"Britain's nice this time of year", you said.

I want a divorce.

Fair enough.

Anyone missing a head?

No!

Atti! - Orla!

Thanks. Duck!

Pretend you're fighting me.

ATTI: Do you still wanna be a warrior?

I just wanna get out of here.

Team? - Team.

CELT MAN: Run away! - CROWD SHOUTS

CELT MAN 2: I can't go through! It's blocked!

Argh! - Sorry.

ARGHUS GROANS

Boudicca. Let me kill her.

BOUDICCA GRUNTS

ATTI: Hey, Celcius.

How does it feel to be bested by a girl?

I will never, ever be bested by a girl.

Bested. - HE GRUNTS

BOUDICCA: Oh, thanks, kid.

You're the best.

Oh, keep it. It's yours.

Really? Oh, I'm such a fan.

Being famous is not all it's cracked up to be, you know.

There's a lot of haters out there.

But you've got real talent, kid.

Do you think?

Sure. You remind me of me at your age.

SHE SIGHS Right, I've gotta roll.

BOUDICCA YELLS A BATTLE CRY

Where's she gone?

MAN: Orla!

Orla, come quick! It's your dad!

Dad?

ATTI: I know what to do.

I can help. - Back off, Roman.

Dougal's getting some proper Celtic medicine.

DOUGAL: Stand back, please.

Give him a lick. Give him a lick.

Go on. Who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy?

Don't do that, it's unhygienic.

You need to clean the wound.

Bees. Go get me some honey from that nest.

Seriously? - Honey is antiseptic.

Listen to him. He knows his stuff.

DOUGAL GRUMBLES

What's that? - Vinegar.

Stops infections.

DOUGAL GRUNTS - BEES BUZZ ANGRILY

Oh, you little bees.

Is he gonna be OK?

DOUGAL: Here's the honey. - Thanks.

I think he'll be alright.

It's all my fault.

It's not your fault.

It's mine.

It was me who told Paulinus about the bottleneck.

What? - I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not.

You're clever.

That's why I like you.

Thanks, Orla. - But don't get me wrong.

You still messed up, big time.

ARGHUS GROANS

Dad! - Hello.

Huh, oh...

That feels better already, you know.

Got anything for bee stings?

I am so proud of you.

You are a fine Celtic warrior.

And that sword...

is yours to keep.

Thanks, Dad.

But I don't wanna be a warrior anymore.

Fighting is stupid.

People get hurt.

SWORD SWOOSHES - MAN YELLS

Sorry, Dougal!

Did we win?

PAULINUS: Paulinus is victorious!

Throw down your weapons, Celts! It's over!

Agree to live under Nero's law

and Paulinus will show mercy.

But we, we don't wanna be Roman.

To oppose Rome is to die.

Fair enough. Yay, Rome.

Rome brings civilisation.

I like being uncivilised!

SHE BURPS AND LAUGHS

Oh, for Jupiter's sake!

CELT FARTS - PAULINUS: Who was that?

I'm Fartacus.

THEY LAUGH - MAN 1: No, no.

I'm Fartacus.

No. I'm Fartacus.

CELTS LAUGH - I'm Fartacus.

CELTS LAUGH - I'm Fartacus.

I'm Fartacus and so is my wife.

CELTS LAUGH - CELTS BLOW RASPBERRIES

Send news to Nero that Paulinus has vanquished the Celts.

Although...

frankly, I don't know why we bothered.

Centurion.

You've served Rome well.

ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS - Sweet Rome.

I don't mind telling you, I've missed the place a bit.

By way of reward

Nero gives you ten acres of land for your retirement.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Where is it? Tuscany? Capri?

Essex. - ITALIAN MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

HE CRIES

HE SOBS

SOLDIERS MURMUR

PAULINUS: Attilius Minus.

Rome thanks you.

Without you...

we should not have come to victory in this battle.

Yeah. Let's not make a big deal of it.

Nero will want to reward you himself.

Come.

But wait, now?

Back in Rome you will be celebrated as a hero.

You'll have all the scrolls you've ever dreamed of.

You'll be well famous.

Can I have your signature? - I wanna go home!

Wait. Why doesn't Decimus go in my place?

Why? - It doesn't matter. Who cares?

It's a brilliant idea.

Here, he can even have my land.

ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS Rome, sweet Rome, wahoo!

ITALIAN MUSIC FADES

The thing is, I... I kind of like it here.

I like the people.

But they're stupid. - They're not stupid.

They're just different.

I've learned stuff from them

and we've shared some fun.

Anyway, I see this as Paulinus's victory.

You should have all the glory.

Yeah, you're right.

Paulinus does deserve to take the credit.

Bring the prisoner.

What prisoner? - PAULINUS: Boudicca.

Uh...

About that, she, uh...

Don't tell me you let her get away?

Uh... - What happened to her?

What will Paulinus tell Nero?

You have failed.

You will receive your just reward when we return to Rome.

TIMIDIUS: Ooooooh!

THEY GIGGLE Oh...

THEY LAUGH

Emperor.

Paulinus brings news of a great victory.

Yes, I heard. I won.

Write that down, historian. "Nero won a great victory".

So tell me, how exactly did I kill Boudicca?

Ah, er, yeah.

Paulinus knows not the exact nature of Boudicca's fate.

But she is dead, right?

Because if she isn't, I know someone who is.

No, no, no, no, no, no. She's dead.

She's definitely dead.

It's just the "how" is up to you.

What do you mean? - Well...

history is written by the victor.

Yeah, that's right.

So, write this down historian.

Boudicca was so frightened

by the magnificent heroic Nero...

that she poisoned herself.

And that's it. That's true.

I'm thinking of wearing these to my victory parade.

What do you think? Bit much?

Paulinus would have to say...

uh, no.

Seem very dark, though.

Of course they are. They're sunglasses.

I've just invented them.

Right, is everything secure?

Yes. My men have checked everywhere for assassins, sir.

All clear. HE GAGS

Well then, let's do this.

Sorry.

CROWD CHANTS: Nero! Nero! Nero!

CROWD GASPS - NERO GRUNTS

Historian, don't you dare write that down.

Hail Mercury, messenger of the gods.

Pray send word that Atti is safe.

Here's a letter from Atti.

Oh, that was quick!

What does he say?

Oh, Britain good.

Celts helping me build a house to live in.

The savages are lovely.

I think that says "sausages". - Oh, yeah.

Hey, Atti.

Fancy joining us for dinner?

Yes, please. What is it?

Baked parsnip. - Lovely.

Need some rotten fish gut sauce with that?

Dad?

Mum, Dad, you came.

JULIA: Oh!

He talked so much about Britain in his letters

we wanted to see it for ourselves.

Well, what do you think?

Atti has taught us how to make concrete.

ANTONIUS: Like it.

Nice one, son.

Oh...

Ah...

Have a swig of this.

What is it? - We call it wine.

It's basically rotten grape juice

which gives you a massive headache

and makes you embarrass your kids.

Oh, sounds right up my street.

Mm.

I've got a brooch just like that.

Really?

Saluté.

MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC STOPS - They won't will they?

No, not for about seven years, or so.

THEY LAUGH - THEY CHATTER

OK? Ah...

Did I miss anything? HE CHUCKLES

What have you done with your hair?

Looks different.

Like Boudicca. - Yeah, well...

I'm gonna be Queen of the tribe one day.

Someone's gotta kick all the Romans out.

You are joking, right?

Might be.

Come on.

♪ Time flies Our story's done ♪

♪ But history keeps rolling on ♪

♪ Big winners, epic fails ♪

♪ Two sides to every tale ♪

♪ Time flies, it's been a blast ♪

♪ But history is built to last ♪

♪ One empire gets the sack ♪

♪ Another one strikes back ♪

♪ Time flies ♪

♪ We're through ♪

♪ Still history's ♪

♪ Got plans for you ♪

Boo! HE CHUCKLES

Fooled you!

Hey, wait, don't go yet!

You'll miss the best bit!

Oh no, not all the names.

There's so many names.

Oh, why are there so many names?

HE YAWNS

The best bit is where I tell you what was true

and 100% accu-rat!

I bet you're wondering what really happened

to Boudicca, aren't you?

Yeah, well, so is everyone.

One roman historian did write

that she poisoned herself after the battle

to avoid being captured.

But another one said she died from illness

and had this great big elaborate funeral.

So, basically, you can make up your own mind.

One thing's for sure, the Romans didn't capture Boudicca

or they'd have taken her back to Rome

and bragged about it big time.

You know what those Romans are like.

Hm, hang on!

Look at all that popcorn and sweets

you've dropped on the floor!

Oh! That's not nearly enough!

I'm coming down there to stuff my little furry face.

Back in a tick.

RATTUS HUMS

♪ The sun is always shining here ♪

♪ This city we call home ♪ - WOMAN SCREAMS

WOMAN: A rat! It's a rat!

♪ An empire ruled by Rome ♪ - WOMAN SCREAMS

MAN: What was that? - ♪ Togas, Roman baths ♪

♪ And roads ♪

♪ Creations that we spread ♪

♪ Conquered people welcomed us ♪

♪ Cos if they didn't, they'd be dead ♪

KID: Look, Mummy, there's a rat!

♪ Rome, we colonise ya! ♪

♪ Rome, we civilise ya! ♪ - MAN: Ah! It's a rat!

♪ Rome, and we brutalise ya! ♪

♪ There's no place like Rome ♪

HE CHUCKLES

A particularly big thank you

to whoever was sitting in row 12.

Yes, you. You are my favourite litter bugs.

Om, nom, nom, nom.

So, anyway, the film is cram-packed with juicy facts.

Like Agrippina really did bump off husband Claudius

with a poison feather so her son could be Emperor.

And she put her own face on the coins

and generally annoyed Nero so much

that he had her killed.

Yeah... after trying the booby-trapped boat

and a collapsible bedroom ceiling.

HE SLURPS NOISILY

Fizzy, mmm...

Then it was Nero's turn to meet a sticky end.

He ended up being betrayed by his own men.

Oh, and speaking of sticky...

Look at this. It's bubble-gum!

HE GOBBLES

It's a bit hairy, but...

do you know what? It's just how I like it.

HE GIGGLES AND GULPS

AIR GURGLES - HE GASPS

Oh, note to self.

Never drink fizzy drinks and swallow bubble-gum!

POP - Argh!

Now I'm Fartacus.

Think I need a shower.

In horse wee, of course.

Whilst I do that

do you want to hear the rest of Atti and Orla's soppy song?

You know, the one that got so rudely interrupted.

You know you do.

Well, here it is!

ATTI: ♪ I'm in a bind ♪

♪ That's what I find ♪

♪ Cos I went with my heart not my head ♪

♪ Couldn't let them hurt her ♪

♪ Now, I'm a deserter ♪

♪ Should I have betrayed her instead? ♪

ORLA: ♪ Thought I was strong ♪

♪ Maybe I'm wrong ♪

♪ Made a friend of my enemy, Rome ♪

♪ Lacked the killer punch ♪

♪ When it came to the crunch ♪

♪ Now, I'm Orla... ♪

♪ All alone ♪

BOTH SING: ♪ Wish I could turn ♪

♪ the sundial back ♪

♪ To before I felt this pain ♪

♪ Having a BFF ♪

♪ Made my life a mess ♪

♪ Will I ever see her again? ♪ - ♪ Will I ever see him again? ♪

♪ Oh, I... I miss you ♪

♪ Sorry I dissed you ♪

♪ First time that I met you ♪

♪ You drove me round the bend ♪

♪ Now... ♪

♪ You're a friend ♪

ATTI: ♪ I put her first ♪

♪ Seems that's the worst... ♪

♪ ...crime a soldier can commit ♪

♪ But I don't care ♪

♪ The adventures we shared ♪

♪ I loved every second of it ♪

ORLA: ♪ I'll take my sword ♪

♪ Join Boudicca's hoard ♪

♪ Lead the fight to our enemy road ♪

♪ But my head is reeling, I'm left with the feeling ♪

♪ I'm Orla... ♪

♪ All alone ♪

BOTH SING: ♪ Wish I could turn ♪

♪ The sundial back ♪

♪ To before I felt this pain ♪

♪ Having a BFF ♪

♪ Made my life a mess ♪

♪ Will I ever see her again? ♪ - ♪ Will I ever see him again? ♪

♪ Oh, I... I miss you ♪

Right, that's it, film done.

Until the inevitable sequel.

Hey, I'm part of the Hollywood in crowd now.

I'm going round to Scarlett Johansson's place. Yeah.

I haven't been invited.

I'm just gonna sneak in through the u-bend.

Oh, and see you at the Oscars. Yeah.

I'm gonna sneak in there an all!

HE LAUGHS Bye!

ATTI SINGS: ♪ You're a friend ♪

ORLA SINGS: ♪ You're a friend ♪

BOTH SING: ♪ Your friend. ♪