Original subtitles

I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO TELL YOU.

I LOVED YOUR SCRIPT. YOU DID NOT.

SO, WHERE ARE YOU WITH CASTING? IN HELL, THANKS TO YOU.

NOW I CAN ONLY HEAR YOUR VOICE IN MY HEAD.

WELL, KEEP HEARING IT,

'CAUSE THEY'RE TRYING "PUCKS" ON A NEW NIGHT,

AND IF IT DOESN'T WORK...

WE LOST TO SOMETHING CALLED "STORAGE WARS: TEXAS"?

THIS IS NOT GOOD, PEOPLE.

WE ALSO LOST TO "SWAMP PEOPLE."

OH, SHIT. I MISSED "SWAMP PEOPLE."

ALL RIGHT, BUT THIS IS JUST THE FIRST WEEK.

THEY'VE GOT TO GIVE THE AUDIENCE A CHANCE TO FIND US.

THEY'VE GOT TO, RIGHT?

[ TYPEWRITER CLICKING, BELL CHIMES ]

[ WIND WHISTLING ]

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

WENDY!

YEAH?

NEVER MIND.

HELLO?

PETER: Hold for Carol.

HERE WE GO.

CAROL: Hey, there. WHAT'S UP?

[ BEEP ] Wendy: SEAN AND BEVERLY'S OFFICE.

WE'VE GOT IT! WE'VE GOT IT!

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

SO, I'M SURE YOU GUYS SAW THE RATINGS --

OBVIOUSLY, NOT EVERYTHING WE WERE HOPING FOR.

RIGHT, BUT YOU DID SAY

EXPECTATIONS WERE LOWER ON SATURDAYS.

BUT HIGHER THAN THIS. [ CHUCKLES ]

NOW, DON'T FREAK OUT.

THAT'S NOT CHILLING.

CAROL: We're going to pull "Pucks" from the schedule.

WHAT? For now.

AFTER ONE VIEWING? I know.

IT'S TOTALLY OUR FAULT.

WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE MOVED YOU TO SATURDAY.

NO ONE WATCHES ANYTHING ON SATURDAY.

AND YET, THEY SEEM TO BE WATCHING ALL THE OTHER SHOWS.

ANDY: But no comedies.

I GUESS PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO LAUGH ON SATURDAY.

WHAT ABOUT "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"?

IT'S NOT ALWAYS FUNNY.

LOOK, COULD WE KEEP YOU ON SATURDAYS? ABSOLUTELY.

BUT THESE EPISODES ARE TOO GOOD.

WE WANT TO SAVE THEM FOR A TIME WHEN PEOPLE WILL SEE THEM.

AND WHEN WOULD THAT BE?

UM, MAYBE IN THE SUMMER. THERE'S A LOT LESS COMPETITION.

THE SUMMER? ANDY: The summer's great.

SUMMER'S LIKE THE NEW FALL.

THERE'S TONS OF REALLY TERRIFIC SHOWS NOW IN THE SUMMER.

SO THERE WILL BE COMPETITION.

HEY, THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH OVER 500 CHANNELS --

THERE'S ALWAYS SOME OTHER SHIT ON.

BUT AS OF NOW, OUR SHIT IS OFF.

RIGHT.

SO, IN ESSENCE, WE'RE CANCELED?

[ Laughing ] DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

YOU'VE STILL GOT THOSE LAST THREE SHOWS TO SHOOT.

RIGHT. SO, THEY ARE OUR LAST THREE SHOWS?

[ LAUGHS ]

WOW.

I FEEL LIKE I'M

ON THE SECOND HALF OF "LAW & ORDER" HERE.

"CHONG! CHONG!"

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

THAT'S THE "LAW & ORDER" SOUND.

MM.

Sean: CAROL SAYS IT'S NOT CANCELED.

IT'S BULLSHIT. THANK YOU.

I'M NOT CRAZY. YOU HEARD HER.

DID SHE OR DID SHE NOT SAY THEY'D BRING US BACK?

OH, NO, I'M SURE THEY WILL.

BY THE WAY, DID I TELL YOU?

MY UNICORN HAS BEEN SHITTING RAINBOWS.

THEN WHY WOULD CAROL SAY IT?

BECAUSE SHE'S A LIAR.

YES, THE WOMAN IS MY FRIEND, BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP HER

FROM BEING FULL OF SHIT ON A MASSIVE LEVEL.

SHE'S THE MICHAEL JORDAN OF LIARS.

[ CHUCKLES ] HEY, LOOK AT YOU

WITH THE DATED AMERICAN SPORTS REFERENCES.

IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

IF IT'S REALLY OVER,

WHY WOULD THEY SPEND THE MONEY TO SHOOT THE LAST THREE?

HEY, WE SHOT LIKE EIGHT EPISODES OF "JOEY" THEY BURNED OFF.

THEY HATE PULLING THE TRIGGER -- I'M TELLING YOU.

EVEN THOUGH NO ONE'S WILLING TO PUT A TAG ON THE TOE,

THIS THING IS DEAD.

IS HE THERE?

MATT LeBLANC.

HEY, BUDDY. WHAT'S UP?

GUESS WHAT -- THEY'RE PULLING "PUCKS" FROM THE SCHEDULE.

YEAH, I HEARD.

SO, PROBLEM SOLVED --

Now I can do the NBC thing.

WHAT?

THEY CAST IT YESTERDAY.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME? YESTERDAY?

[ SIGHS ] WHO GOT IT?

[ MUMBLING ]

HEY, YOU GUYS EVER HEARD OF SOME BRITISH ACTOR ANTHONY POWNER SMITH?

OH, SURE. HE'S AMAZING.

I SAW HIM DO HENRY V IN THE WEST END.

HE PLAYED ALL THE PARTS.

NO SETS, NO PROPS --

JUST HIM, A BUCKET, AND A BIRDCAGE -- GENIUS.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

THAT ASSHOLE TOOK MY PART IN ANDREW LESLEY'S PILOT.

BLOODY HELL. THANK YOU.

ANDREW LESLEY GETS TO WORK WITH ANTHONY POWNER SMITH.

IS THAT MY POINT? I DON'T THINK THAT WAS MY POINT.

I AM SO SICK OF THESE BRITISH FUCKS

COMING OVER HERE AND STEALING OUR PARTS.

HOW IS THAT EVEN LEGAL, HUH?

IT SHOULD BE LIKE, "OKAY, YOU ACT IN YOUR COUNTRY,

AND WE'LL ACT IN OURS."

BUT, NO, THEY SNEAK IN HERE

WITH THEIR PERFECT AMERICAN ACCENTS

LIKE SOME FUCKING MAGIC TRICK, YOU KNOW?

AND NO ONE EVEN KNOWS TILL IT'S TOO LATE.

THEN, SUDDENLY, YOU SEE THEM ON A TALK SHOW,

AND IT'S LIKE, "HOLY SHIT. THAT GUY'S ENGLISH?!"

THEY'RE ON OUR TV SHOWS. THEY'RE IN OUR MOVIES.

THERE -- THERE -- THERE SHOULD BE

CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS OR SOMETHING.

FUCKING BRITISH PEOPLE! STAY THE FUCK HOME!

NO OFFENSE!

I DON'T REMEMBER EVER WANTING A PART THIS BAD.

I'M SORRY. IT SUCKS.

I COULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD.

WELL, I KNOW IT DOESN'T HELP,

BUT THERE WILL BE OTHER PARTS.

NOT LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW THE SHIT THAT'S OUT THERE?

CBS IS OFFERING ME A SHOW CALLED "FUCKED AT FORTY."

THEY CAN SAY "FUCKED"?

WELL, IT'S GOT HASH SYMBOLS AND ASTERISKS AND STUFF,

ALTHOUGH, IF I TAKE IT,

THEY'LL PROBABLY CHANGE THE TITLE TO "MATT,"

'CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS "MATT"

ACTUALLY MEANS "FUCKED AT FORTY."

[ SIGHS ]

YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THIS CONFERENCE TOMORROW.

I COULD CANCEL.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'LL STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT, NO MATTER WHAT.

WHY SHOULD YOUR REFUGEES HAVE TO SUFFER?

[ SMOOCHES ]

OH, CHRIST.

WHAT?

THIS ABC PILOT WON'T SEE ME

'CAUSE I WAS ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

FUCKING "PUCKS."

DUDE, CHILL.

WHAT? YOU'RE NOT FREAKING OUT?

NO. I'LL GET SOMETHING.

I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN READING FOR A BUNCH OF STUFF.

SERIOUSLY? THEY'RE LETTING YOU COME IN?

YEAH.

ANYTHING I'D BE GOOD FOR, OR JUST BLACK STUFF?

WHAT?

IS THAT RACIST? H-HOW IS THAT RACIST?

[ TYPEWRITER CLICKING, BELL CHIMES ]

DOES THIS GEORGE CLOONEY JOKE WORK?

IF ITS ULTIMATE GOAL IS TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH, THEN, NO.

GOT ANYTHING BETTER? NOPE.

SHALL WE TRY? NOPE.

I SEE.

I'M SORRY.

NO ONE'S EVER GONNA SEE THESE SHOWS. WHO CARES?

I CARE, YOUR PARTNER -- ME.

IF THERE'S EVEN A GHOST OF A CHANCE

THAT ONE OF THEM ACTUALLY GETS ON,

THEN I WANT TO MAKE SURE IT'S NOT A STINKING TURD.

DARLING, IF NO ONE IS THERE TO SMELL IT...

AND YOUR PLAN IS TO, WHAT,

JUST...KNIT YOUR WAY THROUGH IT?

LONG AFTER THIS SHOW IS FORGOTTEN,

THERE WILL STILL BE THIS SCARF.

IF YOU GUYS GOT A SEC, I WANT YOU TO MEET MY LITTLE SISTER.

OH, HELLO. HEY.

SHE'S VISITING FROM NEW YORK.

DAWN, THESE ARE MY BOSSES, SEAN AND BEVERLY.

SEAN AND BEVERLY, DAWN. HI.

MORNING AND DAWN --

CLEARLY, YOUR PARENTS HAD A WHOLE RANGE OF IDEA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M GUESSING YOU'RE AN ACTRESS, TOO.

NO, THANK GOD. OH, GOD, NO.

SHE'S A DESIGNER. GRAPHIC DESIGN.

THAT'S STILL A DESIGNER.

OH, I ALMOST WENT INTO GRAPHIC DESIGN.

I LOVED TO DRAW. HAD MY MARKERS.

I DID ALL THE POSTERS FOR THE PLAYS.

YEAH, YEAH. WE DO EVERYTHING ON COMPUTERS.

IT'S ALL DIGITAL NOW.

[ LAUGHS ] YEAH, RIGHT.

I ALMOST FORGOT -- I'M OLD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU KNIT?

[ LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ]

HEY. WHO'S THAT?

UH, MORNING'S LITTLE SISTER, DAWN.

WOW.

BOY, THERE'S A "CRACK OF DAWN" JOKE THERE SOMEWHERE.

WELL, IF ANYONE CAN FIND IT...

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

FOUND IT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

UH, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

THEN YOU WANT SEAN. THANK YOU.

WE DON'T HAVE STOKE.

WELL, THEN, SOMEONE SHOULD GET HIM.

NO, I-I MEAN, WE DON'T HAVE STOKE, PERIOD.

HE LEFT.

WHAT, THE BUILDING? THE PLANET?

THE SHOW.

WHAT -- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? HE QUIT?

WE JUST GOT A CALL FROM HIS MANAGER.

HE'S -- HE'S GOT RESHOOTS ON THAT MICHAEL BAY THING,

AND SINCE WE'RE PRETTY MUCH CANCELED --

WE'RE NOT CANCELED. MNH.

RIGHT. WELL, HE SAYS WE ARE.

THAT'S INSANE. WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOOT A SCENE WITH HIM.

GET ME THE MANAGER.

IS HE THERE?

I'VE GOT SEAN LINCOLN FROM "PUCKS."

YEAH. HANG ON.

YEAH. HELLO.

UH, NOT SO GOOD, ACTUALLY. WE JUST HEARD ABOUT STOKE.

UM, WHAT THE FUCK?

[ Laughing ] NO, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, SHOOTING A SCENE RIGHT NOW.

OH, PLEASE, IT'S A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE.

HIS PART COULD BE PLAYED BY A CAN OPENER.

OH, BELIEVE ME -- WE WILL SUE YOU.

OH, YES, WE WILL.

MNH. YES, WE WILL.

YES, WE WILL.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

WHERE ARE -- WHERE ARE THE OTHER BOYS?

GUYS?

DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

YES, I DO.

DID -- DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT STOKE HAD LEFT THE SHOW?

UH...KIND OF.

WE THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

UH, NO. SO, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

WE COULD JUST SPLIT UP HIS LINES.

WHAT? YOU KNOW, JUST DIVIDE HIS STUFF BETWEEN US.

NO! IT -- IT WOULDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

DO YOU THINK WE JUST WRITE LINES

THAT ANYONE CAN SAY, THAT IT'S THAT RANDOM?

NO, HIS LINES ARE IN HIS VOICE,

AND YOUR LINES ARE -- IT -- IT --

THERE'S AN INTERNAL LOGIC TO -- WE CAN'T!

IT'S -- IT JUST -- IT --

[ SIGHS ]

[ SCOFFS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

DO IT.

REALLY?

YEAH, SPLIT 'EM UP. IT'LL BE FINE.

WOW.

SO, UH, W-WHO SHOULD SAY WHAT?

DOESN'T MATTER. YOUR CALL.

HOLY SHIT. CAN WE ADD SOME STUFF?

ABSOLUTELY. ADD AWAY.

YEAH!

WOOL?

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

UH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO STEER CLEAR OF THE BROWNIES.

THEY'VE BEEN HERE SINCE THE FIRST TABLE READ.

YIKES.

PROBABLY GROWING OTHER BROWNIES BY NOW.

[ BOTH LAUGH ] YEAH. GOOD TO KNOW.

OH, ALSO, THE CREW -- NOT SO MUCH WITH THE HYGIENE.

I'D STICK TO ANYTHING WRAPPED.

OKAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M MORNING'S SISTER DAWN, BY THE WAY.

HEY. I'M MATT.

NO KIDDING. LIKE SOMEONE WOULDN'T KNOW THAT.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT?

I'M SORRY.

GOD, IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE FAMOUS.

IT'S JUST -- IT'S JOEY. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ CHUCKLES ] RIGHT.

WHEN I WAS A KID, I WAS TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH YOU.

REALLY?

JUST BETWEEN US,

THE ONLY REASON WHY I CAME TODAY WAS TO MEET YOU.

DON'T TELL CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE I SAID THAT.

AH, NOT TO WORRY.

MEETING YOU IS KIND OF LIKE

AN EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO MYSELF.

AH, WELL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

WHEN IS IT? THURSDAY.

OH. HOW OLD ARE YOU GONNA BE?

19.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

SAY IT.

NAH, COME ON.

YES, SAY IT. COME ON, PLEASE.

SERIOUSLY? YES.

SAY IT RIGHT WHEN I'M COMING.

[ SCOFFS ] NO.

YES! COME ON!

NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

SAY IT. COME ON, I'M REALLY CLOSE.

FORGET IT. SAY IT!

SAY IT NOW!

NOW!

NOW!

HOW YOU DOIN'?

[ SCREAMING ]

[ SCREAM ECHOES ]

SEE? ISN'T THIS BETTER -- NOT GIVING A SHIT?

MIGHT TAKE SOME GETTING USED TO.

THAT'S WHAT THE WINE IS FOR.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE GONNA BE FINE.

I KNOW.

WE'LL GO HOME. WE'LL COME UP WITH NEW SHOWS.

YOU COULD MAKE THE POSTERS. [ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

EXACTLY.

OH, I JUST WISH IT HADN'T BEEN SUCH A FUCKING DISASTER.

IT WASN'T A --

YEAH.

YEAH, RIGHT. YEAH, NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

[ SIGHS ]

I MEAN, GOING HOME NOW, SEEING EVERYONE,

ESPECIALLY AFTER THE WAY WE LEFT --

"OFF TO HOLLYWOOD! SEE YOU, SUCKERS!"

KIND OF REGRETTING THAT MASS E-MAIL?

LITTLE BIT. MM.

YOU KNOW, WE DON'T HAVE TO GO STRAIGHT HOME.

WE DO NOT.

WE COULD TRAVEL AROUND A BIT.

ABSOLUTELY. "THE TRAVELING FAILURES."

WELL, WE DON'T NEED A BANNER.

HMM.

Dawn: GOD, THIS IS SO WEIRD.

I REMEMBER WATCHING YOU WHEN I WAS LIKE 7...

AND NOW I'M LAYING HERE WITH YOUR DICK IN MY HAND.

YEAH, LIFE'S FUNNY.

BY THE WAY, A LITTLE GRIPPY.

BETTER? YEAH.

ACTUALLY, I SHOULD BE GETTING BACK TO THE STAGE.

OH, SHIT. ME TOO.

MY MOTHER'S PROBABLY FREAKING OUT.

YOUR MOTHER? WHAT -- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOUR MOTHER?

[ CHUCKLES ] DID I SAY "MOTHER"?

WEIRD. I MEANT, UM, SISTER.

WELL, I'M TOTALLY CONFUSED. YEAH, JUST FORGET IT.

IT'S SO STUPID.

WHAT?

OKAY, BUT YOU HAVE TO SWEAR

THAT YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY EVER.

ALL RIGHT. I WON'T TELL ANYBODY.

SWEAR. FINE. I SWEAR. WHAT?

SHE JUST TELLS PEOPLE SHE'S MY SISTER.

WHO? MY NUTJOB MOTHER.

SHE'S AFRAID PEOPLE WILL FIGURE OUT

SHE'S LIKE A KAJILLION YEARS OLD.

IT'S REALLY LAME.

W-W-WAIT A MINUTE. MORNING'S NOT YOUR SISTER?

YEAH.

SHE'S YOUR MOTHER?

UH-HUH.

DEFINITELY LET GO OF MY DICK.

WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET BACK TO WORK.

OHH, DO WE HAVE TO? THIS IS SO NICE.

OH, COME ON, NOW.

THOSE DECK CHAIRS AREN'T GONNA REARRANGE THEMSELVES.

[ LAUGHS ]

I AM SO, SO SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

YOU'RE SEAN AND BEVERLY LINCOLN, RIGHT?

MAYBE.

EILEEN JAFFEE. I'M AN AGENT AT WME.

AND I COULD NOT LEAVE WITHOUT TELLING YOU

I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN OF YOUR WORK.

IN THAT CASE, WE ARE DEFINITELY SEAN AND BEVERLY LINCOLN.

OH, MY GOD! I JUST LOVE YOUR WRITING.

REALLY? DON'T SOUND SO SURPRISED.

WELL, WE'RE NOT USED TO GETTING A LOT OF PRAISE FOR "PUCKS."

OH. NO, NOT "PUCKS."

AH.

"LYMAN'S BOYS."

REALLY? HOW NICE. THANK YOU.

I RAN OUR LONDON OFFICE FOR 18 MONTHS,

AND IT WAS THE ONLY THING I WATCHED.

SATURDAY NIGHTS, I DIDN'T EVEN MAKE PLANS.

[ CHUCKLES ] OF COURSE, I WAS ALSO JUST DIVORCED

AND HAD NO LIFE,

BUT, STILL, I LOVED, LOVED,

LOVED YOUR SHOW.

OH, I THINK I LOVE, LOVE YOU.

[ ALL CHUCKLE ]

IT'S SO AWFUL WHAT THEY MADE YOU TO DO IT HERE.

THAT CAN'T HAVE BEEN FUN.

IT'S A WONDER WE CAN SIT AT ALL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU ALSO HAD A SCRIPT THAT WAS GOING AROUND BACK THEN.

IT'S ALL ANYONE TALKED ABOUT. REALLY? WHICH ONE?

UH, I WANT TO SAY "THE OPPOSITE OF US."

YOU REMEMBER THE TITLE?

ARE YOU KIDDING? I CAN STILL QUOTE LINES FROM IT.

PLEASE DO. PLEASE DON'T.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHATEVER HAPPENED WITH THAT?

MM. NOTHING.

SERIOUSLY?

OH, WE HAVE IDIOTS ON OUR SIDE OF THE POND, TOO.

GOD. I'D LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN.

YOU DON'T HAVE A COPY, DO YOU?

UH, UH... THAT'S VERY SWEET,

BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW,

WE'RE NOT LOOKING TO DO ANOTHER SHOW HERE.

OH, GOD. NO, NO, NO.

JUST FOR ME, PURELY SELFISH.

I COULD E-MAIL IT TO YOU.

I WOULD LOVE THAT. WHAT A TREAT!

SO, BOTTLE OF WINE AT LUNCH -- WHAT ARE WE CELEBRATING?

[ SIGHS ]

WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY,

BUT, UM, THEY PULLED OUR SHOW FROM THE SCHEDULE.

YEAH. I HEARD LAST WEEK.

REALLY? THEY JUST TOLD US.

I HEARD THAT, TOO.

HEY, NINA, HAVE YOU SEEN MY LITTLE SISTER?

SORRY, NO.

DO YOU KNOW WHO WAS TRUMAN'S VICE PRESIDENT --

SEVEN LETTERS?

JESUS. HOW FUCKING OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

BARKLEY.

THANK YOU.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

HOLY SHIT.

YEAH, THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT.

SO, YOU TWO MET. THAT'S NOT TERRIFYING AT ALL.

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, SIS.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

NOWHERE. NOWHERE?

HOW WAS THAT?

RELAX. WE JUST WENT FOR A RIDE.

OH. WHERE?

I DON'T KNOW. AROUND.

YOU WENT FOR A RIDE AROUND.

MM-HMM.

DID YOU HAPPEN TO TAKE BULLSHIT STREET

OR ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME AVENUE?!

RIGHT. WE NEED TO TALK.

OKAY. SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

NO, YOU.

OH.

YOU -- GO INSIDE.

DID YOU JUST ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME?

AT LEAST I CAN ROLL MY EYES.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK --

DID YOU FUCK MY SISTER? NO.

YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR.

I SWEAR, I DID NOT FUCK YOUR SISTER.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT?

SHE TOLD YOU?

KIND OF.

AND YOU STILL FUCKED HER?

NO, NO, NO. I FUCKED HER WHEN I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR SISTER.

STILL NOT OKAY!

BUT BETTER THAN YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU GOT TO ADMIT.

LOOK, IT WAS A ONE-TIME THING. IT MEANT NOTHING.

WHAT MOTHER DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT?

HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S 16.

RIGHT?

SO, OKAY, SHE'S AN ADULT.

SHE'S ABLE TO MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS.

SHE IS STILL MY KID.

I GET THAT.

LOOK, THE MINUTE I FOUND OUT, THAT WAS IT -- DONE, OVER.

I PROMISE. I'M NOT GONNA SEE HER AGAIN.

I'M NOT EVEN GONNA CALL HER.

SO, BASICALLY, YOU'RE GONNA TREAT HER LIKE SHIT.

LOOK, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, HUH?

WANT ME TO FUCK HER AGAIN? I'LL FUCK HER AGAIN.

TOTALLY YOUR CALL, MOM.

HELLO.

HEY. HI.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOTHING.

NOTHING TO YOU, ASSHOLE.

SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS. SHE'S NOT EVEN IN THE BUSINESS.

[ SIGHS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

I, UH -- I KIND OF HAD

A LITTLE LUNCH THING WITH HER DAUGHTER.

WHAT? WAIT. YOU SAID "DAUGHTER." YOU MEAN "SISTER."

NOPE, DAUGHTER.

NOT SISTER? DAUGHTER.

"SISTER, DAUGHTER. SISTER, DAUGHTER.

SHE'S MY SISTER AND --" I'M BEGGING YOU.

SO THAT GIRL SHE SAID WAS HER SISTER -- ISN'T.

AND THAT'S WHO YOU -- YEAH.

JESUS! YOU SLEPT WITH MORNING'S DAUGHTER?

HEY, HEY, DON'T LOOK AT ME. SHE SLEPT WITH HER BROTHER.

THIS IS TRUE. EXCUSE ME.

AS I RECALL, YOU HAD THE WOMAN HERSELF. ALSO TRUE.

MAN, WE ARE JUST PLOWING THROUGH THAT FAMILY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT?

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

[ KEYBOARD CLACKING ]

WENDY?

YOU THERE?

NO?

[ RINGING CONTINUES ]

WENDY?

WENDY... YOU INCOMPETENT CUNT?

Wendy: SEAN AND BEVERLY'S OFFICE.

OH, JESUS.

EILEEN JAFFEE ON ONE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. WELL DONE.

HELLO?

SEAN, IT'S EILEEN.

OH, DID YOU GET THE SCRIPT?

OH, MY GOD. IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN I REMEMBERED.

Oh, thank you.

BEV'S DOWN ON STAGE, BUT I'LL DEFINITELY TELL HER.

Please do.

ALSO, DON'T BE MAD AT ME.

ALL RIGHT.

I WAS JUST AT A MEETING WITH KIM SALLY OVER AT FOX.

HAVE YOU MET KIM?

NO. You'd love her.

ANYWAY, SHE WAS BITCHING

ABOUT ALL THE CRAP SHE'S BEEN READING,

AND SHE ASKED IF I'VE READ ANYTHING I LIKED.

SO, I TOLD HER THE ONLY THING I LIKED SHE CAN'T HAVE.

WELL, OF COURSE, NOW SHE HAS TO SEE IT.

DO YOU MIND IF I SHOW IT TO HER?

Um...

WELL...

AS WE TOLD YOU,

WE'RE NOT INTERESTED IN PURSUING ANYTHING NEW.

Absolutely.

I HEAR YOU.

I'LL MAKE IT VERY CLEAR,

EVEN IF SHE LOVES IT, SHE CAN'T HAVE IT.

UM, ALL RIGHT. I CAN'T SEE THE HARM.

DO YOU NEED TO CLEAR IT WITH BEVERLY FIRST?

NO, NO.

UM, NOT IF WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE

THAT NOTHING CAN HAPPEN.

YOU HAVE MY WORD.

GREAT.

Wonderful. I'll let you know what she says.

OKAY.

[ SIGHS ]

HELLO. HEY.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN SEAN, HAVE YOU?

NOPE.

AH. PROBABLY BACK AT THE OFFICE.

YOUR SISTER SEEMS LOVELY, BY THE WAY.

WHAT?

THAT ASSHOLE TOLD YOU, DIDN'T HE?

WHAT ASSHOLE? I...

YES, HE TOLD US.

I KNEW IT.

SO SHE'S YOUR DAUGHTER. THAT'S WONDERFUL.

YEAH, ON DAYS LIKE TODAY, IT'S FUCKING JOYOUS.

WANT ONE? OH, NO, I JUST --

YOUR SHOW JUST GOT CANCELED. THANK YOU.

SO, UM, MAY I ASK...

WHEN DID SHE BECOME YOUR "SISTER"?

OH, RIGHT OUT OF THE COOCH.

BELIEVE ME -- THAT IS NOT SOMETHING

YOU CAN SWITCH UP LATER.

I WOULD THINK NOT.

CAREERWISE, IT JUST MADE SENSE.

I WAS STILL KELLY.

KELLY?

KELLY.

KELLY?

KELLY. KELLY.

ON "KELLY GIRL."

ALL RIGHT.

AND NO ONE WANTED TO THINK OF KELLY AS A MOM.

NO.

I HAD THE BABY OVER A HIATUS.

I JUST TOLD EVERYONE THAT I WENT OFF

TO GET MY TITS DONE AGAIN.

THEY TOTALLY BOUGHT IT.

WELL, CLEARLY, YOU'D ALREADY LAID THE GROUNDWORK.

EXACTLY.

AND WHEN I CAME BACK -- HELLO -- I HAD A LITTLE SISTER.

PLUS, OBVIOUSLY, MY BOOBS WERE GINORMOUS.

RIGHT.

AND, UH, THE FATHER?

MNH. HE WAS A ONE-TIME THING -- THIS ACTOR.

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HIM.

HE WAS LIKE A POOR MAN'S BILL BIXBY.

WHO? BILL BIXBY.

BILL BIXBY.

BILL --

LET'S NOT DO THIS AGAIN. ALL RIGHT.

SO, UH, YOU BROUGHT HER UP ON YOUR OWN?

OH, YEAH, I DID ALL THE MOM SHIT --

MADE THE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

AND NEVER MISSED A SOCCER PRACTICE.

REALLY?

AND I WORRIED MY ASS OFF.

THAT'S ALL YOU DO IS WORRY.

YOU WORRY THEY'LL GET SICK. YOU WORRY THEY'LL GET HURT.

YOU WORRY WHEN THEY LEARN TO DRIVE.

I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE. UGH.

YOU KNOW THE ONE THING I NEVER WORRIED ABOUT --

HER FUCKING MATT LeBLANC!

REALLY? I WOULD THINK THAT'S SOMETHING ALL MOTHERS SHOULD WORRY ABOUT.

[ SIGHS ]

Jamie: HELLO?

MATT?

HONEY?

IN HERE.

HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK?

I THOUGHT THE CONFERENCE THING WAS THROUGH THE WEEKEND.

IT IS.

YOU JUST SEEMED SO SAD LAST NIGHT.

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BE ON YOUR OWN.

OH. [ CHUCKLES ]

MMM. MMM.

WELL, I'M BETTER NOW.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OOH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT? WHAT'S -- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

UH, YOU KNOW, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS NOW.

YOU HUNGRY?

I-I GOT A TON OF CHINESE IN THE FRIDGE,

OR WE COULD GO OUT, OR -- DON'T.

DON'T WHAT? WHAT AM I DOING?

I KNOW WHAT CHEATING SMELLS LIKE.

WHAT? CHEATING? WHAT -- WHAT ARE YOU -- WHAT?

THAT'S CRAZY.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU GOT YOUR SPECIAL SKILLS

WITH YOUR SUPERHUMAN X-MEN NOSE,

BUT YOU'RE SO WRONG, WAY OFF BASE, WAY --

PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THIS GAME.

WELL, T-THIS IS NUTS.

YOU COME IN HERE ALL FEE-FI-FO-FUMMING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU'RE SMELLING,

BUT IT'S -- IT'S --

YOU KNEW FROM THE BEGINNING

THERE WERE ONLY TWO THINGS I ASKED --

BE NICE AND DON'T CHEAT.

I WAS NICE!

I'M GOING.

OKAY, OKAY. I FUCKED UP.

YOU KNOW HOW DEPRESSED I WAS.

SO YOU EAT A CHEESECAKE. YOU DON'T DRIVE US OFF A CLIFF!

I KNOW. I'M SORRY. IT WAS STUPID.

OKAY, THIS -- THIS GIRL --

I SWEAR, SHE MEANT NOTHING -- NOTHING.

I MET HER TODAY.

IT'S AMAZING.

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT YOU'RE MAKING THINGS WORSE?

[ SIGHS ]

HANG ON. DON'T DO THIS.

STOP. COME ON.

NO. NO MORE.

HEY. NO, STAY.

I'M DONE.

WHAT?

[ SNIFFS ]

OH, YEAH.

[ TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING ]

[ CARRIAGE RETURNS, BELL DINGS ]