All language subtitles for Chasing.Amy.1997.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

The seminar will begin in five minutes.

It will be in room "C."

So, uh, how about Chow Yun Fat?

I don't know.
I love Chow Yun Fat.

- I just don't see him playing Madman.
- Awesome.

Thank you.

Could you sign it:
"To a really big fan"?

Uh, you bet.

I love this book, man.
This shit is awesome!

I wish I was like these guys.
Gettin' stoned,

talkin' all raw about chicks
and fightin' supervillains!

I love these guys! You know what.
They're like Bill and Ted...

meet Cheech and Chong!

Yeah. I kind of
like to think of them...

as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
meet Vladimir and Estragon.

Yes! Who?

So, do you, like,
draw this or something?

I ink it, and I'm also the colorist.
The guy next to me draws it.

But we both came up
with the characters. Next!

What does that mean,
you "ink it"?

Well, it means that Holden
draws the pictures in pencil.

And then he gives it to me
to go over in ink. Next!

So, basically,
you just trace.

It's, uh, it's not tracing,
all right?

I add depth and shading to give
the image more definition.

Only then does the drawing
truly take shape.

No, no, no. You go over what he draws
with a pen, all right? That's tracing.

Not really. Next.

Hey, man,
let me ask you somethin'.

Somebody draws something
and then you draw the exact same thing,

like, right on top of it without going
outside the original designated art.

What do you call that?

- I don't know, man. Tracing?
- See?

You want your book signed
or what?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Don't get all testy just because you
got a problem with your station in life.

Oh, I'm secure
with what I do.

Then just say it.
You're a tracer.

How should I sign this?

I don't want you
to sign it, man.

I want the guy who draws
Bluntman & Chronic to sign it.

- You're just the tracer.
- Tell him, little shaver.

Who do I sign it to?

You fuckin' tracer!

I'll trace a chalk line around
your dead fuckin' body, you fuck!

Would you get him
outta here?

Hey, wait a second! He jumped me!
You fuckin' tracer!

Your mother's a tracer!

Can I explain the audience
principle to you?

If you assault and accost them,
then we have no audience.

He started it,
fuckin' cock-knocker!

He's lucky I didn't put
my pen through his thorax!

Need I remind you?
Curtain's in ten minutes. Okay?

The Word's Up: Minority
Voices in Comics panel discussion...

- All right.
- is about to begin in room "F."

For years in this industry...

whenever an African-American
character, hero or villain,

was introduced, usually,
by white artists and writers,

they got slapped
with racist names...

that singled them out
as Negroes.

Now, my book...

White Hatin' Coon...

don't have none
of that bullshit.

The hero's name is Maleekwa,
a descendant from the black tribe...

that established
the first society on the planet,

while you European motherfuckers
were still hidin' in caves and shit,

all terrified of the sun.

He's a strong role model that
a young black reader can look up to,

'cause I'm here to tell ya: The chickens
is comin' home to roost, y'all.

The black man's no longer gonna play the
minstrel in comics and sci-fi fantasy.

We keepin' it real, and we gonna
get respect by any means necessary.

Ah, come on!
That's a bunch of horseshit!

Lando Calrissian
was a black guy, you know.

He got to fly the Millennium Falcon.
What's the matter with you?

- Who said that?
- I did.

Lando Calrissian is a positive role
model in science-fiction fantasy.

Fuck Lando Calrissian!
Uncle Tom nigger!

Always some white boy
gotta invoke the holy trilogy.

Those movies are about how the
white man keeps the brother man down...

even in a galaxy
far, far away.

Check this shit. You got
cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker...

Nazi poster boy...
blond hair, blue eyes...

and then you got
Darth Vader.

The blackest brother
in the galaxy, Nubian guy.

- What's a Nubian?
- Shut the fuck up!

Now, Vader, he's a spiritual
brother, you know.

Down with the force
and all that good shit.

Then this cracker, Skywalker,
gets his hands on a light saber,

and the boy decides he's gonna
run the fuckin' universe.

Gets a whole Klan
of whites together.

And they gonna bust up
Vader's hood, the Death Star.

Now, what the fuck
do you call that?

- Intergalactic civil war?
- Gentrification!

They gonna drive out
the black element...

to make the galaxy
"safe" for white folks.

And Jedi's the most
insulting installment!

Because Vader's beautiful
black visage is sullied...

when he pulls off his mask to reveal
a feeble, crusty, old white man.

They're tryin' to tell us that deep
inside we all wants to be white!

Well, isn't that true?

Black rage!

Black rage!
I'll kill any white folks...

I lay my motherfuckin' eyes on!

"What's a Nubian?"
Bitch, you almost made me laugh.

Man, what about you? You didn't tell
me you were gonna scream, "Black rage!"

I nearly pissed myself.

How do you manage to get away
with this all the time?

I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting
your head open right about now?

- Wrong coast.
- Well, this here, she full of blanks.

And, uh, Opiate gets all sorts
of legal clearances before I go on.

So your publisher actually
condones these theatrics?

Condones? Honey, they insist. I need
to sell the image to sell the book.

Would the audience still buy
the whole black rage angle...

if they found out the book
was written by a, a... you know.

- Faggot?
- When you say it, it sounds so sexy.

Hey, hey, hey! I'll play your victim,
but not your catcher, all right?

Hooper, how come you sound like Minister
Farrakhan when you're onstage...

and the king of pop
when you're not?

Look out, boys!
This kitten has a whip!

Always before
I get to speak, you dick.

I swear! Jesus!

The next con I attend, and they
ask me to be on the minority panel,

if I see your name anywhere
near that list, I'm passing!

Holden, Banky, this pile
of P.M.S. is Alyssa Jones.

She does that book,
Idiosyncratic Routine.

Oh, I've read your book. It's cute.
Chick stuff, but cute. What?

Sorry about him. He's, uh,
he's dealing with being an inker.

Oh. You trace.

I really like your book. I'm surprised
we never met at any other cons before.

Yeah, well, lose the dick
or change the skin tone,

and we can get to know
each other on panel after panel.

These boys do Bluntman & Chronic, which
outsells both of our books put together.

Hence, they're never on the panel
with the likes of us.

They slummin' it right now.

I promised Alyssa
I'd buy her a post-rave drink.

Do the Garden Staters have
to sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel,

or can you stay for a round
in the big, scary city?

- We're gonna go...
- We'll take...

We'll go.

Archie. All right?

Archie and the Riverdale gang were
a pure and fun-lovin' bunch.

You can't find dysfunction in those
comics. They were flat-out wholesome.

- Archie and Jughead were lovers.
- Shut the fuck up!

It's true. Archie was the bitch,
and Jughead was the butch.

That's why Jughead wears
that crown-lookin' hat all the time.

He the king of
Queen Archie's world.

Man, I feel
a hate crime comin' on.

Well, you know,
he does have a point.

I mean, Archie never did quite
settle on Betty or Veronica.

'Cause he wanted them both
at the same time, you assholes!

He didn't choose one, because he was
trying to get them into a three-way.

- Here.
- What?

I want you to go down to the corner
store and buy yourself a clue.

- Go on.
- Eat it, Urkel.

Uh! I done told you to
watch it with that Urkel shit.

Face it, girl.
Archie's a sister.

- That's it. You!
- Moi?

Yeah, you. You are marching
back across the street with me,

and we're gonna pick up
a shitload of Archie books.

And I'm going to prove to you
beyond the shadow of a doubt...

that Archie
is all about pussy.

Come on!

This boy is conflicted.

I shall play
mother therapist for him.

You two sit tight.
We shall return promptly.

Is he always like that?

Who, him? Yeah.
Ever since the third grade.

This, uh, this nun was teaching us
about the Blessed Trinity, you know?

She was going on and on about
the three persons in one God thing.

Father, Son,
the Holy Spirit.

Banky just goes ballistic on her.
They got in this huge fight.

An eight-year-old kid?
How bad could it have been?

Well, have you ever seen a nun call
a small child a "fucking cunt-rag"?

It wasn't pretty.
Shit like that's bound to happen...

when you make a kid wear
a matching tie and slacks every day.

Right. And your parochial
school misadventures?

Oh, mostly limited to
wine-tasting prior to mass.

Turned me into a grade school
alcoholic altar boy though.

Can't tell you how many mornings
after serious benders...

I'd wake up next
to strange priests.

- Aren't you the sharp wit?
- Sharp? No.

I'm just a fan of
clergy-molestation humor.

Probably why the extended family quit
inviting me to first communion parties.

- Tsk.
- You play darts?

Uh, not professionally.
You know, only in bars.

I don't know.

Maybe I should just sign one of those
exclusive deals like you guys.

Your new book seems
to be selling like mad.

Well, it all goes back to somethin'
my grandmother told me when I was a kid.

"Holden," she said, "the big bucks
are in dick and fart jokes."

- She was a churchgoer.
- Oh!

The cry from the heart of a real artist
trapped in commercial hell,

pitying his good fortune.

I'm sure you can dry your eyes
on all those fat checks you rake in.

Oh, I'm sorry. What was that? Did I
detect a note of bitter envy in there?

No, I'm happy my stuff
gets read at all.

There's very little market
for hearts and flowers...

in this spandex-clad, big pecs,
big tits, big guns field.

If I sell two issues,
I feel like John Grisham.

Well, it's all
about marketing.

Over- or under-weight guys that don't
get laid. They're our bread and butter.

People like those two outside
should be yours.

And sadly, there are more
of our core audience.

Kind of gives you a charge though.
See two people like that in love.

And all over
Banky's car, no less.

You know, that car's seeing more action
right now than it's seen in years.

- Bubbly guy like that? It's
hard to figure out why. - Yeah.

You gotta respect that kind of display
of affection. You know what I mean?

Sure, it's crazy.
It's rude. It's self-absorbed.

But, uh, you know,
it's love.

- It's not love.
- Oh, says you.

That out there?
That's fleeting.

- Fleeting?
- Mm-hmm. Well, I gotta split.

It was really nice meeting you.
Good luck with your book.

Tell Hooper I'll call him later.
And... tell your friend to calm down.

Shut up already.

You shut up!
You're insane.

Archie is not fucking
Mr. Weatherbee!

Deny, deny, deny.

- Where's Alyssa?
- She left, said she'd call you later.

Look, he's just offering to help Archie
with his fuckin' homework!

Read between
the lines, bitch.

Fuck this. Let's go.
Traffic.

- Holden!
- What?

- Let's go!
- See that dent in the hood of your car?

Son of a bitch!

Let me guess.
You like her.

- Who?
- Miss Alyssa Jones.

- She's all right.
- As long as that's all.

This is one of the best streetlights
you've ever drawn.

It's the one from across the street
from the post office.

- Looks just like it.
- Thanks.

So, uh, what do you want
to do tonight?

I don't know. Get a pizza.
Watch Degrassi Junior High.

You got a weird thing
for Canadian melodrama.

I got a weird thing
for girls who say "aboot."

Bank Holdup.

Hooper here. Listen, I know how
you 'burb fiends hate the city,

but there's a club shindig goin' down
tonight I think you'd really get into.

- Where is it?
- Meow Mix. I'm temping as barkeep.

Oh, I don't know, Hoop.

We're prepping the next issue. We got
that stupid meeting in the morning.

- I told her you wouldn't be interested.
- Told who?

Alyssa.

Alyssa from last night Alyssa?

How do you begin and end a question
with the same word like that?

You got skill.
Yes, that one!

She asked me to invite you.
Now, here's the part where you say...

- I'll be there.
- Thought so. 10:00. Later.

- Who was that?
- Hooper. He invited me to a club.

Man, when's that faggot gonna learn?
You like chicks.

- Not that kind of club.
- So when we leavin'?

We? You can't go.
He's hookin' me up with Alyssa.

- And?
- And I don't want you messing it up.

I care about your shit.
Maybe I'll hook up myself.

I told you. It's not
that kind of club.

How does one man
get to be so funny?

Look, how you gonna get
home when I hook up, huh?

- Like that'll happen.
- Let me explain, my witless chum.

The other night, we two,
Alyssa and I,

we, uh, well,
we shared a moment.

- Oh, you had a moment.
- No.

We shared a moment,
all right?

And in that moment, one thing
was made abundantly clear.

This girl loves me,
my friend.

Loves me. You know
what I'm sayin'?

Ah, who's your daddy now

Come on. Mmm.

- Ah
- Shut up!

It's your birthday
It's your birthday

Go, Sheila, it's your birthday
Go, Sheila, it's your birthday

All right.
Bring on the free hootch.

Free? I didn't invite your tired ass.
So, where's your better half?

Takin' a piss. The guy's got
a bladder like an infant.

That's funny. He says
you're hung like an infant.

Does his mother
tell him everything?

- Hey!
- What'd you do, fall in love?

- Where is she?
- Over there.

Look at her in her net shirt. Been
dancin' for an hour. Hasn't stopped yet.

She ain't no Deney Terrio,
I'll say that.

Listen, if I'm not back by Tuesday,
call my mother. All right?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's somethin' you should know.

- She got a boyfriend?
- Well, no.

Then what's to know, my friend?
What's to know?

Hey, lady! You fucked up
my cabbage patch!

Well, well, well, if it isn't Bluntman
himself, or should I call you Chronic?

Call me flattered. I heard you sent me
the invite to this little soiree.

From a former hometown girl
to Mr. Hometown himself.

- You're saying you're from the 'burbs?
- Middletown, New Jersey

- Get outta here! I'm from Highlands!
- I know. Hooper told me.

How is it that we never
ran into one another?

- Did you graduate from Hudson?
- Yeah, '88.

- I went to North.
- What a small fuckin' world.

- So you know the tri-town area?
- Quiz me.

- Miller Hill?
- I wrote my name on the wall.

- Sandy Hook?
- Lost my virginity there.

- This is so cool. The mall?
- Eton preppy or Menlo Park?

Oh, no. Here's the big test.
Quick Stop?

My best friend fucked
a dead guy in the bathroom.

- You know that girl?
- I did, before she was committed.

There's a lot of chicks
in this place.

Chicks? You're such a man.

You know what this is?
This is fate.

No, this is "The Rog."

I'm talking about us meeting.
What are the chances?

Pretty slim. I haven't been back
to the 'burbs since my friend's funeral.

- The Quick Stop girl died?
- Uh-uh. Another girl.

- Julie Dwyer. She died in the...
- The YMCA pool! Damn!

- You knew her too?
- So well.

Wow! One friend in the asylum,
the other friend in the grave.

- You're a dangerous person to know.
- Ah, but I can tap.

- That's the Buffalo two-step.
- Yeah, well, it's very solid.

That's what six years
of tap lessons yields.

Two towns away from each other
for years, we had to meet in New York.

Could have been worse.
Could have not met at all.

Okay, we're back.

Thank you. Thank you.

So, a long time ago, we used
to have this bass player,

who took off one day to draw
funny books or something.

Maybe you've heard of her stuff?
Idiosyncratic Routine?

But what a lot of people
don't know...

is that she used to harbor
these delusions that she could sing,

and she used to subject us to throaty
renditions of Debbie Gibson tunes.

So, she's here tonight,
and I think if we all beg her...

or maybe offer her
some "X,"

she'll come up here and treat us
to some of her vocal stylings.

What do ya say, Alyssa?

Yeah!

Oh, she's shy!

Get up here and sing, bitch!

All right!
Go. Go up there.

Whoo!

Whoo! Yea!

What am I doing here?
This is so fucking gay.

She is such a cunt.

You guys know the one
I wanna do, right?

All right. I should
dedicate this, right?

This is for that
someone special out there.

Ready?

I'm feelin' awful

But all alone

Just missin' someone

I don't even know

But until I find him

I'll wait patiently

Just feelin' nothin'

Inside of me

And where are you, baby

Where can you be

Why aren't you here

Lovin' me

'Cause I want to kiss you

And make you feel right

I want to lay with you

All through the night

And I wanna feel passion
I wanna feel pain

I wanna weep at
the sound of your name

Come make me laugh
or come make me cry

Just make me feel alive

And so I'll wait

For that glorious day

When the one I dream of

Comes my way

And when our lips touch

So tenderly

I know I'll feel
somethin'

Inside of me

I wanna feel passion
I wanna feel pain

I wanna weep at
the sound of your name

Come make me laugh
or come make me cry

Just make me feel

Alive

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoo!

Hot!

Now, that, my friend,
is a shared moment.

- What?
- It's rude.

When are we gonna get a chance to see
this shit live without payin' for it?

- Sorry. It's just new to him.
- Oh, and you're an old hand at this?

No, no, I should apologize. I don't
normally get all mushy in public,

but it's been a while
since I've seen Kim here.

You know what?
I wanna dance.

Go ahead.
I'll watch from here.

No!
I wanna dance with you!

Don't be a rag. I have to sit here and
work up the desire to fuck you later.

Please!

Yes?

You said "fuck."
She said "fuck."

You said "fuck" to that girl.
You said that you'd fuck her.

- And?
- How can a girl fuck another girl?

Were you talking about
strap-ons or something?

- Oh, Jesus. Would you shut up?
- What?

It's okay.

I don't know how many times
I can apologize for him.

No, Banky, I've never
used a strap-on.

Then what's with
saying "fuck"?

Shouldn't you say "eat her out" or
modify the term "fuck" with "fist"?

Let me ask you a question.
Can men fuck each other?

- You asking for my permission?
- In your estimation.

Sure.

So, for you,
to fuck is to penetrate.

You're used to the more
traditional definition.

You, inside some girl you've
duped, jackhammerin' away,

not noticing that
bored look in her eyes.

Hey, I always notice that bored look
in their eyes, all right?

Fucking is not limited
to penetration, Banky.

For me, it describes any sex
when it's not totally about love.

I don't love Kim,
but I'll fuck her.

I'm sure you don't love
every girl you sleep with.

Some of them
I downright loathe.

Aha, but I'll bet it's different
with the ones you do love.

Like, you'll go down
on 'em longer.

- Here we go.
- I don't do that.

- What?
- I stopped. It got to be frustrating.

As stupid as you usually come off
during this little diatribe of yours,

you're gonna come off ten times
as stupid on this occasion.

I lost my tolerance for the baggage
that comes with eating girls out.

What's the big deal?

If you say the smell,
so help me, I will slug you.

Not the smell.
The smell is good.

I'm talkin' about not being
able to do it properly.

My mother
brought me up to believe...

if I can't do something right,
I shouldn't do it at all.

Of course, my father told me she gave
lousy head, but that's beside the point.

Well, at least you blame yourself
for your sexual inadequacies.

No. I blame them.

Chicks never help you out.
They never tell you what to do, right?

And most of them are all self-conscious
about the smell factor.

And, so, most of the time, they just lay
there frozen like a deer in headlights.

I mean, not for nothin',
but when a chick goes down on me,

I let her know where to go
and what the status is.

You gotta handle it like
CNN and the Weather Channel.

Constant updates.

You are such an idiot.

No, no, he's got a point.
I mean, that's how I was in high school.

You know, all nervous and
inhibited about being eaten out.

But by the time I got
to college, that all changed.

I've loosened up.

I was like one of those guys at
the airport with those big flashlights,

wavin' 'em this way, directin' 'em
that way, tellin' 'em when to stop.

And that's all I'm sayin'. It would
be different if chicks helped out.

You know, pointed a guy
in the right direction.

There'd be no bullshit, no wasted time
and no chance for permanent injuries.

Permanent injuries?

Sure. You wanna see
somethin' permanent?

- See that?
- Uh-huh.

I got that from Nina Rollins,
sophomore year.

I'm goin' down on her,
right?

Out of nowhere, her cat jumps on her.

She does this big pelvic thrust, cracks
my tooth and sends it down my throat.

I had to get a crown
for the stub.

I got that beat.
I got that beat.

Junior year, I'm goin' down
on Cynthia Slater in her dorm room.

I'm totally drunk, and in the middle
of it, I fall asleep right in her lap.

She got so mad,
she digs her heel into my back.

- Ow!
- Right there. That's permanent.

All right. All right.
See this?

That's the farthest I can
move my neck to the right.

Again, sophomore year,
I'm goin' out with Brandy Svining.

And for six months, I'm goin' down
on her. Not a damn thing's happening.

So, one night, I change a position
or vary my lapping speed,

and suddenly it's
a whole new world.

She's movin' around,
convulsing, breathing heavy,

and her legs are pressed up
against my ears so tightly...

that I don't hear her father
come into the room.

He grabs my hair and
pulls me way back, hard.

Senior year,
spring formal.

I'm eatin' out Missy Kurt
in her brother's car.

She's layin' across the backseat. I'm
half hangin' out, knees on the ground.

She's flailin' around, and she...
she knocks the parking brake off.

The car starts
rolling down the hill.

And my left knee
is cut up to shit...

like a kiddy's scissors class
cut it up for paper dolls!

Whoa! Hey!
Look at the time.

We gotta... We gotta
beat that traffic, huh?

What traffic?
It's 1:30 in the morning.

And rush hour
starts in six hours. Let's go.

Uh, thanks for inviting us out.
It was educational.

Come on.

Since you like
chicks, right,

you just look at yourself naked
in the mirror all the time?

Look, here's the deal.

When we get in there, don't be a
complete Potzer, like last night.

This is business now, okay?

Oh, why are you in such a bad mood?
Still dwelling on that dyke?

- Hey, knock it off, will you?
- What'd I tell you?

She just needs
the right guy.

All every woman really wants
is some serious deep-dicking.

Sorry.

See, that's why
I can't buy lesbians.

Everyone needs dick.

See, I can buy fags,
a bunch of guys that need dick.

You know, just plain need it.
That I get.

Dykes?
Bullshit posturing.

But, live and let live,
I guess.

I'm sure the gay community
appreciates your support.

We'd like to start off by saying that it
is a real pleasure to finally meet you.

Absolute pleasure.

One of the reasons we started this whole
thing was to finally meet the guys...

that do Bluntman & Chronic.

- Snootchie bootchies!
- Huh?

Which now brings us
to our proposal.

Look, fellas, the days
of Butt-Head are over.

We're interested in doing 12 half-hour
Bluntman & Chronic cartoons.

What do you say?

Are we in business?

The boy wonder.

Batman and Robin, the dynamic
duo against crime and corruption.

Yeah, hi. Somebody told me
they make comic books here,

which is so weird, because I have
this great idea for a story.

It's about a guy who comes
to this club and...

hightails it
when he finds out...

Ready for this?

This girl is gay.

Any interest
in a story like that?

- An animated series?
- Twelve episodes.

- Well, that's great, isn't it?
- Banky seems to think so.

- But you don't.
- Well, I...

I don't know if that's the perception
I want people to have of our work.

I know this sounds pretentious
as hell, but...

I'd like to think of us
as artists, you know?

I'd like to get back to doing something
more personal, like our first book.

Well, when are you
gonna do that?

When we have something
personal to say.

I weirded you out
the other night.

Uh, no, not really.

- Oh, come on!
- Well, it's just...

I'd never seen that kind of thing
up close and personal before.

It just took a while
to process.

You wanna talk about it?

If you want to.

I like you, Holden.

I haven't liked a man
in a long time.

And it's not because I'm a man-hater
or something like that.

It's just been some time since I've
been exposed to a man that didn't...

immediately live into
a stereotype of some sort.

And I want you to feel
comfortable with me,

because I'd really like us
to be friends.

So if there's anything you
wanna know, it's okay to ask me.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay. Why girls?

- Why men?
- Well, because that's the standard.

If that's the only reason
you're attracted to women...

No, it's more than that.

So you've never been
curious about men?

Curious? Well, I always wondered
why my father watched Hee Haw, but...

- You know what I mean.
- No.

- Why not?
- No interest.

- Because?
- Girls feel right.

Well, that's how I feel. You know,
I've never really been attracted to men.

- Well, so, you're still a virgin then?
- No.

But you've only
been with girls.

So you're saying
a person is a virgin...

until they've had intercourse
with a member of the opposite sex.

Isn't that
the standard definition?

Again with your standards.

I think virginity is lost
when you make love for the first time.

- With a member of the opposite sex.
- Why? Why only then?

Because that's the standard.
What do you want me to tell ya?

So if a virgin is raped,
then she's still a virgin?

- No, of course not.
- But rape is not the standard.

So she's had sex, but not
the standard idea of sex.

Hence, according to your definition,
she'd still be a virgin.

- Okay, fine, I'll revise.
- Uh-huh.

Virginity is
lost when the hymen is broken.

- Then I lost my virginity at ten.
- Really?

'Cause, see, I fell on a fence post
when I was ten, and it broke my hymen.

Okay. Second revision.

Virginity is lost
through penetration.

Physical penetration
or emotional.

- Emotional penetration?
- Mmm.

I fell in love hard with Caitlin Bree
when we were in high school.

Physical penetration.

- We had sex.
- Yeah, but not real sex.

I move to have that remark
stricken from the record,

on account of it makes you come off
as completely naive and infantile.

Well, where's the penetration
in lesbian sex? I...

A finger? I've had my finger up my
ass. I wouldn't say I've had anal sex.

Observe.

You're kidding me!
How?

Our bodies are built to pass
a child, for Christ's sake.

Yeah, but I mean... Jesus!
Doesn't that hurt?

- Sure, but in that good way.
- Oh.

And it's only a once-in-a-while thing
reserved for really special occasions.

- How about not-so-special occasions?
- Tongue only.

Well, but see... Come on.
That's what I'm sayin'.

It's like, how can that be enough?
How big can a tongue really get?

My God.

Let's go.

Come on. Come on.

You're really gonna have
to give me a minute, I think.

Would you stop futzing with
your fuckin' bag? We're late already.

- I have to get something.
- Look, man, we miss this train,

I'm gonna shitcan you
and just hire Charles Schulz.

Oh, my God. Who are you?
Larry Fucking Flynt?

- What are you gonna do with all those?
- Read the articles.

What do you think I'm gonna do
with 'em? They're stroke books, stupid.

You got, like, 30 books in there.
We're only gonna be gone for two days.

Variety is the spice of life.
I like a wide selection.

Sometimes I'm in the mood
for nasty close-ups.

Sometimes I like 'em
arty and airbrushed.

Sometimes it's a spread
brown-eye kind of night.

Sometimes it's girl-on-girl time.

Sometimes
a steamy letter will do.

Sometimes, not often,
but sometimes...

I like the idea
of a chick with a horse.

Go get our tickets.
I gotta call Alyssa.

- His master's voice.
- Put that stuff away!

Hi.

One minute, five seconds.
Ah, you are such my bitch.

What's up?
I'm about to get on a train.

- Oh! Why?
- Last-minute invite to the Boston Con.

- Shit.
- What?

Well, my sister's at my parents',
and I was gonna go see her.

- The one that wrote the book?
- Yeah.

But I was stayin' all weekend. I
wanted to hang out with you. This sucks.

You know, um, both of us
don't have to go.

- Really?
- Yeah. Banky can do this by himself.

I mean, you know, it's not like we're on
a panel. It's just a signing appearance.

If you come pick me up,
I'll be your best friend.

Where's your apartment?

And then Black Beauty
couldn't take it any longer,

and he finally did
some of his own mounting.

What are you doing?

I think I want kids of my own
one day. They're fun.

Listen to me. I'm not going. You're
gonna have to do this one by yourself.

- What? Why?
- Alyssa's comin' down for the weekend.

I'm gonna hang out with her.
You don't need me for this.

Look, I'll take the bags.
You can, uh, keep the filth.

I'll pick you up
at 9:00 Sunday night.

Don't forget to plug the annual,
and don't mention the TV show, okay?

Call me if you get bored.

All aboard!

Explain this again.

How could you have grown up
on the shore and never played skee-ball?

What did you do
with your youth?

Stayed out late,
smoked pot, screwed around.

Not your grade school years,
your high school years.

- This looks complicated.
- Jesus. Potzer, uh...

- The premise is very basic, okay?
- Uh-huh.

You roll the ball up the rampart in an
effort to pop it into the score circle.

The higher the score,
the more prize tickets you get.

Well, what do you do
with the prize tickets?

You trade them in
for prizes,

which are not worth nearly as much
as you've paid to play the game.

- Well, what's the point?
- It's fun.

And you question
my lifestyle.

Observe.

See? It's just that simple.

Well, why not just walk up there
and put it in the 50 every time...

- Well, where's the skill in that?
- Oh, this is a skill.

I'm sorry.
I had no idea.

Just toss one.

Uh, I'm sorry there, man.
She's a little new at this.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Underhand, okay?
Throw it underhand.

And this is where you take
straight chicks on dates.

This place is like Spanish fly.

This will probably be the first time
I don't score afterward.

I don't know. I'm starting to get
a tingle in my bottom.

- Ten.
- Very nice.

- So, what'd you do last night?
- Got laid.

Some more of that, uh, skill
you were tellin' me about?

I never will regret this

I never will, never will
Never will regret this

Never will regret this

I never will, never will
Never will regret this

Well, give us today
and I'm not scared to say

I'm afraid

Yes, I have
a couple of hesitations

And I'll open the door

And I wonder
if she might come in

And do you really need
an invitation now

'Cause I think I'm feeling
really something today

Yes, I think I feel
a little spark, hey

Are you sure that
control is working, Banky?

I thought you lived
in the city.

It's like the umpteenth time
I've seen ya here.

Isn't that grounds for the little pink
mafia to throw you outta their club?

Hey! That's
the last time.

I think I feel
a little spark, hey

A little jump start
Never will forget this

I never will, never will
Never will forget this

Never will forget this

I never will, never will
Never will forget this

Never will forget this

I never will, never will
Never will forget this

Never will forget this

I never will, never will
Never will forget this

Wow. How bad do you suck?

How was your pseudo date?

- Leave it alone.
- That chick bugs me.

- No, everyone bugs you.
- Get off!

Fuckin' faggot. Did you see that?

Your dyke-courting ass
just got me scored on.

You know, you should
watch that, man.

If you're gonna get so bent
outta shape while playing the game...

so much so that you feel
the need to curse the TV...

try not to gay bash it,
all right?

You're not
that kind of guy.

And don't call her a dyke.
She's a lesbian. Okay?

What the fuck
is goin' on here?

- I'm starting a new page?
- Not with this shit! With you!

What the fuck is goin' on
with you and that girl?

- We're just friends!
- She's programming you!

I beg your pardon?
Programming?

Yeah, and apparently you don't
even fuckin' realize it.

What does it matter
if I refer to her as a dyke?

Or if I call the Whalers faggots
in the privacy of my own office...

far from the sensitive ears
of the rest of the world?

Look, man, it's
passive-aggressive gay bashing.

And I know you're not really
prejudiced at heart.

I think you should find some other way
to express your anger is all I'm saying.

What are you doing?

Just bear with me here. I want to
put you through this little exercise.

All right, now, see this?
This is a four-way road, okay?

And dead in the center is a crisp,
new hundred-dollar bill.

Now, at the end of each of these streets
are four people. Okay? You following?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Over here we have a male-affectionate,
easy-to-get-along-with,

nonpolitical-agenda
lesbian.

Down here we have
a man-hating, angry-as-fuck,

agenda-of-rage,
bitter dyke.

Over here we got Santa Claus,
and up here, the Easter Bunny.

Which one is going to get
to the hundred-dollar bill first?

- What is this supposed to prove?
- No, I'm serious.

This is a serious exercise.
It's like an S.A.T. question.

Which one is going to get
to the hundred-dollar bill first?

The male-friendly lesbian?
The man-hating dyke?

Santa Claus
or the Easter Bunny?

- The man-hating dyke.
- Good.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Because the other three are figments
of your fucking imagination!

I don't need this. I'll be hiding
from your fuckin' shit in my room.

- What?
- What is it about this girl, man?

You know you have no shot
at getting her into bed!

Why do you bother
wasting time with her?

- Because you're Holden Fucking McNeil.
- Right.

Most persistent traveller on the road.
That's not the path of least resistance.

Everything's gotta be
a fuckin' challenge for you.

And this little relationship
with that bitch...

is a prime example
of your fucking condition.

Well, I don't need a magic eight ball
to look into your future.

You want a forecast? Here.
Will Holden ever fuck Alyssa?

Oh, what a shock.
Not fucking likely.

This relationship is affecting you,
our work and our friendship.

The time's gonna come when I throw down
the gauntlet and say, "It's me or her."

- Then what are you gonna say?
- I say you should let this one go!

No. What would you say? Would you
trash 20 years of fuckin' friendship...

because you've got
some idiotic notion...

that this chick would even let you
sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?

Look, fuckin' asshole,
I'm telling you, okay? Let it go!

What the fuck, man?

What the fuck makes this bitch
all that important?

'Cause I'm fuckin' in love
with her, man, okay?

Fuck.

- Well, I thought it was love
- Thought it was love

'Cause my heart...

Wish you were the one being
pursued for the cartoon.

Oh, really?

Yeah, then maybe you could sell out and
pick up a check every once in a while.

We're leaving?

Well, it's not like
this is a bed and breakfast.

I've got a little business
to conduct.

Hello there.
Let me ask you a question.

Are you an authorized deal maker
in this establishment?

Do you have the power
to negotiate?

You wanna haggle over the price
of your French dip?

No, I wanna haggle
over the price of fine art.

- What do you mean?
- There. By the kitchen.

See? That painting.

- What about it?
- The price tag says 75.

- So?
- Tell me you're kidding.

I'll give you 50.

Manuel, could you bring the Dyksiezski
down off the wall, please?

My new Dyksiezski.

- Where are you gonna hang it?
- I'm not. You are.

Oh? You want me
to hang it for you?

You better hope it doesn't
get out to the girl nation...

you needed a man
to help you hang a picture.

No, no, no. You're going
to hang it in your house.

- Yeah, right.
- I'm serious.

- Why?
- Because it's captured the moment.

It'll be a constant reminder,
not just of tonight,

but of our introduction, of the building
of our friendship, everything.

Make no mistake about it, my friend,
it is a gift from me to you,

so you'll always
remember us.

Why are we stopping?

- Because I can't take this.
- Can't take what?

I love you.

You love me?

I love you and not,
not in a friendly way.

Although, I think
we're great friends.

And not in a misplaced
affection, puppy dog way.

Although, I'm sure
that's what you'll call it.

I love you. Very...

Very simple.
Very truly.

You are the epitome of everything I have
ever looked for in another human being.

And I know that you think of me
as just a friend,

and crossing that line is the furthest
thing from an option...

you would ever consider,

but...
I had to say it.

I just...
I can't take this anymore.

I can't stand next to you
without wanting to hold you.

I can't... I can't look into
your eyes without feeling that...

that longing you only read about
in trashy romance novels.

I can't talk to you without wanting to
express my love for everything you are.

And I know this will probably queer
our friendship... no pun intended...

but I had to say it.

'Cause I've never
felt this way before.

And I don't care.
I like who I am because of it.

And if bringing this to light
means we can't hang out anymore,

then that hurts me.

But, God, I just... I couldn't
allow another day to go by...

without just getting it out there,
regardless of the outcome,

which, by the look on your face,
is to be the inevitable...

shoot down.

And, you know,
I'll accept that.

But I know... I know that some part
of you is hesitating for a moment.

And if there's a moment of hesitation,
then that means you feel something too.

And all I ask, please,
is that you just...

you just not dismiss that and try
to dwell in it for just ten seconds.

Ah.

Alyssa.

There isn't another soul
on this fucking planet...

who has ever made me half the person
I am when I'm with you.

And I would risk this friendship for the
chance to take it to the next plateau,

because it is there
between you and me.

You can't deny that.

Even if, you know...

Even if we never talk again
after tonight,

please know that
I am forever changed...

because of who you are
and what you've meant to me,

which, while I do
appreciate it,

I'd never need a painting of birds
bought at a diner to remind me of.

Oh, God.

Was it something I said?

Fuck.

- What are you doing?
- Get in the car and get outta here!

- You're gonna hitch to New York?
- Yep!

- Aren't you at least gonna comment?
- Here's my comment: Fuck you!

- Why?
- That was so unfair.

You know how unfair that was.

What? It's unfair
that I'm in love with you?

No, it's unfortunate
that you're in love with me.

It's unfair you felt the fuckin' need
to unburden your soul about it.

Do you remember for
one fucking second who I am?

So? I mean, you know,
people change.

Oh! Oh!
It's that simple!

You fall in love with me and
want a romantic relationship.

Nothing changes for you...

with the exception of feeling
hunky-dory all the time.

But what about me, Holden?
It's not that simple!

I just can't get into
a relationship with you...

without throwing my whole
fucking world into upheaval.

That's every relationship. There's
always gonna be a period of adjustment.

Period of adjustment?

There's no period of adjustment,
Holden! I am fucking gay!

That's who I am!

You assume I can turn all that around
because you've got a fucking crush?

If this is a crush, I don't think I could
take it if the real thing ever happened.

Go home, Holden.

You're back with
Chaz and Stu and the New Zoo Review.

As always behind us we got wacky...

I take it
that's not good.

Stay here.

Be right back.

Catholic schoolgirls.

The uniform's
what does it for me.

I wish I'd went with more
Catholic schoolgirls when I was a kid.

As it stands, I have no "And then she
unzipped her jumper" stories.

You seemed
weirded-out back there.

- That's my couch you were fucking on.
- Sorry.

I wanted to watch some TV.
Hard to do when your best friend is...

wrapped around a naked
rug-muncher on your couch.

She had boxers on.

- This is all gonna end badly.
- You don't know that.

I know you. You're way
too conservative for that girl.

She's been around and seen things
we've only read about in books.

We have read about them,
so we're prepared.

There's no "we" here.

You're gonna have to
go through this alone.

It's one thing
to read about shit,

something different when you're forced
to deal with it on a regular basis.

When you are walking in a mall and your
heads turn at a nice-looking chick,

it's gonna eat you up
inside.

You'll spend most of your time wondering
when the other shoe's gonna drop.

'Cause for you this isn't
about cool, weird sex stuff.

It's about love.

Maybe it is
for her as well.

Somehow I doubt it.

Everybody's not out
to get someone in life, Bank.

Everybody has an agenda,
all right? Everyone.

Yourself?

- My agenda is to watch your back.
- To what end?

To insure that all this time we've
spent together, building something,

wasn't wasted.

Oh, she's not gonna
ruin the comic.

I wasn't talkin'
about the comic.

I'm gonna go get a bagel.

Clean off my fucking couch
so I can watch TV.

From what I understand,
when you sign with a publisher...

someone else does all this work for you,
and you just sit back and collect.

And miss these late-night cram sessions
with my nearest and dearest?

- Never.
- I don't know what she's bitching about.

All she's done since
we got here is pound Merlot.

Yeah, you're a real help.

I'd like to know
why we're here at all...

when we haven't seen
Princess Funny Book in a month.

- Yeah. Who you shackin' up with?
- "Shacking up with"? Please.

I'm so in love!

Ohh!

I know, I know. I feel like such a goon,
but I can't help it.

- We have such a great time together.
- Who is it?

Someone you guys don't know.

That chick you left
the restaurant with that night.

They're not from around here.

Don't even tell me
you met her down the shore.

Ew, a bridge-and-tunnel
Jersey dyke.

With huge hair and acid-washed jeans.

For your information, they don't have
big hair or wear acid-wash.

They're from my hometown.

Why are you playing
the pronoun game?

- What are you talking about? I'm not.
- You are.

I met "someone." "We" have a great
time. "They're" from my hometown.

Doesn't this tube
of wonderful have a name?

Holden.

Well...

here's to the both of you.

Another one bites the dust.

Can I ask you a question?

Don't even tell me
you want to do it again.

Why me?
You know? Why now?

Well, because you were givin' me
that look and I got all wet.

You know what I mean.

Why not you?

Well, I'm a guy. I mean...
you're attracted to girls.

I see you've been
taking notes.

Historically, yes.
That's true.

Then why this?

Well, I've given that
a lot of thought, you know.

Now that I'm being ostracized
by my friends,

I've had plenty of time
to think about it.

And what I've come up with
is really simple.

I came to this
on my own terms.

You know, I didn't just
heed what I was taught:

Men and women should be
together, it's the natural way,

that kind of thing.

I'm not with you because of
what family, society, life...

tried to instill in me
from day one.

The way the world is,

how seldom it is that you meet
that one person who...

just gets you.

It's so rare.

My parents didn't
really have it.

There were no examples set for me in
the world of male-female relationships.

And to cut oneself off
from finding that person...

to immediately halve your options
by eliminating the possibility...

of finding that one person
within your own gender...

that just seemed stupid
to me.

So I didn't.

But then you came along.

You, the one least likely.
I mean, you were a guy.

Still am.

And while I was falling for you
I put a ceiling on that,

because you were a guy.

Until I remembered why I opened the door
to women in the first place:

To not limit the likelihood
of finding that one person who'd...

complement me so completely.

So, here we are.

I was thorough
when I looked for you.

And I feel justified
lying in your arms...

'cause I got here
on my own terms,

and I have no question there was
someplace I didn't look.

For me that makes
all the difference.

Can I at least tell people all you
needed was some serious deep-dicking?

- Move!
- Stop!

- What?
- Check out page 48.

- So?
- Did you see the nickname?

- "Finger Cuffs."
- And?

- Weird nickname. What's your point?
- Do you know why it's "Finger Cuffs"?

- No. I suppose you do.
- I do.

Remember Cohee Lundin? Left Hudson
and went to North our senior year?

Yeah.

Well, asshole, I ran into him
at the stores the other day.

God, it's been ages
since I've seen him.

- Mentioned you were dating Alyssa.
- Did you?

Yeah. Funny thing is,
you know what he said?

Shit, I know Alyssa Jones.
I mean, I know Alyssa Jones.

Me and Rick Derris used to hang
around her house after school...

and shit, 'cause her parents were,
like, never home and shit, right?

But one day Rick whips it out and
starts rubbin' it on her leg and shit,

chasin' her around the living room;
I was dyin'.

You know what the crazy bitch did?
She fuckin' drops to her knees...

and starts suckin' him off right in
front of me, like I wasn't even there.

I almost died.
But that's not the fucked-up part.

The fucked-up part was Rick, right
in the middle of it, pointin' at her,

and he says "Cohee,"
just like that, "Cohee."

So I'm like, "Yo,
I'll give it a shot."

I start pullin' her pants down and shit,
all slow 'cause I figure any second...

she's gonna turn around
and belt me in the mouth, right?

But she's all into it, man!
She don't try to stop me or nothin'!

She's all wet and I just start goin'
to work, you know what I'm sayin'?

Me and Rick are goin' to town on
this crazy bitch, and she's lovin' it,

all moaning and shit.

It was fucked-up. So Rick
came up with the nickname.

That day she had us locked in from
both sides like Chinese finger cuffs.

He's full of shit.

Cohee's a lot of things,
but an exaggerator he's not.

- The dude's Catholic.
- She's never even been with a guy.

That's what she says.
But I say her on her hands and knees...

getting filled out like an application
constitutes "being with a guy."

Look, man. Cohee Lundin is
pulling your chain, okay?

The fact you even believe him makes you
look like a complete fuckin' idiot.

I'm getting your back,
asshole!

People don't forget shit
like "Finger Cuffs."

What if it got out that she's queer as
well? How's that gonna make you look?

- Well, I give a shit what people think.
- Fuck!

All right.
What if she's carrying a disease?

- Fuck you!
- What?

Oh, it's not possible
that she's all crudded-up?

Cohee I can vouch for is clean.
The dude never got laid in high school.

But Derris?
He's an arch-fucking-bushman!

Name me one chick in our senior class
that he didn't nail, for Christ's sake!

Let it go, okay? I'm telling you,
she's never even been with a guy,

much less these two
fuckin' zeroes.

And the bitch could be a bigger germ
farm than that monkey in Outbreak!

Would you let it go, okay?
I'm fuckin' tired of this shit!

She's my goddamn girlfriend!
Show a little fuckin' respect!

And I swear to God, if I ever hear you
so much as fucking mention...

Alyssa looks a little peaked, I'll put
your fucking teeth down your throat!

Maybe I'll put your fuckin'
teeth down your throat.

Yeah, maybe.

I've been workin' out,
ya know!

You better be ready
to make that deal.

So, where's that bitch partner
of yours been?

Sulking.

He's having a real problem
with this Alyssa thing.

I think it's more like Banky's having a
real problem with all things not hetero,

and I'm just another paradigm
of said aberration.

- Banky does not hate gays.
- But he is a bit homophobic.

This latest episode between you
and Miss Thing has tapped into that.

In his warped perception, he lost you
to the "dark side," which is she.

You make it sound like
me and him were dating.

Don't kid yourself.

That boy loves you in a way
that he ain't ready to deal with.

- He's been digging up dirt on Alyssa.
- Uh-uh, honey!

And just what has Mr. Angela Lansbury
uncovered about your lady fair?

He heard some bullshit
story that she took on two guys.

Really?

Then he's barkin' up the wrong tree
if he wants to split you up, isn't he?

He's not gonna make you see
the error of your ways...

by pointing out
how truly gay she's not.

- This one?
- I have it.

- Actually, it has kinda gotten to me.
- How so?

Well, Banky's got
a pretty good bullshit detector.

- He's not known for misinformation.
- So what if it is true?

- Would that bother you?
- Sex with multiple partners?

At the same time?

Ah! Ooh!

Thanks for being so comforting.
I appreciate it.

So, what do you care?

That's just it, you know?
I shouldn't care.

- But it just... It gets to me.
- Look,

the kind of gal Alyssa is, you don't
think she's been in the middle...

of an all-girl group grope?

You see, that doesn't bother me, right?
But just the thought of her with guys...

Oh, Holden, I beg you, please. Don't
drop 50 stories in my opinion of you...

by falling prey
to that latest of trendy beasts.

- Which is?
- Lesbian chic.

It's oh-so acceptable to be a gay girl
nowadays. People think it's cute.

Got this fool picture of lipstick
lesbians in their heads,

like they all resemble Alyssa,
while most of 'em look more like you.

Do I detect a little
intersubculture cattiness here?

Gay or straight,
ugly's still ugly.

And most of those boys are scary.

I thought you fags were all
super-supportive of one another.

Screw that all-for-one shit.

I gotta deal with bein' a minority
in the minority of the minority,

and nobody's supportin'
my ass.

While the whole of society's
fawning over girls-on-girls,

here I sit, a reviled gay man.

And to top that off,
I'm a gay black man,

notoriously, the most
swishy of the bunch.

- Three strikes...
- Hey, hey! There's a line.

Are you Hooper X?

- Salaam alaykem, little brother.
- Could you sign my comic?

Hey. You see
that man right there?

He the devil.
Understand?

Never take your eye
off the Man.

- Fight the power, little G.
- Word is bond.

Word is bond.

Look at what I have to resort to
for professional respect.

Look at what I have to resort to
for professional respect.

What is it about gay men
that terrifies the rest of the world?

- As for this hang-up with Alyssa's past,
- Um-hm.

maybe what's troubling you is that
your fragile fantasy might not be true.

- What does that mean?
- Holden, don't even try to come off...

like you don't know
what I'm sayin'.

Men need to believe that they're
Marco-fuckin'-Polo when it comes to sex.

Like they're the only ones
who've ever explored new territory.

And it's hard
not to let 'em believe it.

I let my boys run with it for a while.

Feed 'em some of that "I've never
done this before" bullshit...

and let them labor under the delusion
that they're rockin' my world...

until I can't stand 'em no more,
then I hit 'em with the truth.

It's a sick game.

The world would be
a better place...

if people would just accept
there's nothin' new under the sun,

and anything you can do
with a person...

has probably been done
long before you got there.

- Hey, I can accept that.
- Honey, that almost sounded convincing.

Do yourself a favor: Just ask the girl
about her past point-blank.

Get it out of the way before it gets
too big for both of y'all to move.

Ooh! Yanni!

Boo! Boo!

Since most of these people
are rooting for the home team,

I'm going to cheer
for the visitors.

I'm a big visitors fan.

Especially the kind that make coffee
for you in the morning before they go.

That was a joke.
Bah-dum-bah.

A little wacky wordplay.

Wha-What do you mean,
"visitors"?

Was I being
too obscure?

The kind that, until recently,
had no dicks and would stay the night.

So, uh, that was
until recently, right?

Uh, yeah.

Hey! Foul! Foul!
He was traveling or something.

So, nobody but me has spent the night
at your place since we got together?

Somethin' on your mind,
Holden?

- Just wondering.
- If I've been faithful or something?

I was just asking.

Oh, sweetie.

I only have eyes for you.

If you don't start usin' that whistle,
I'm gonna jam it straight up your ass!

Right?

What's uh...
What's with "Finger Cuffs"?

"Finger Cuffs"?

In your senior yearbook your nickname
was Finger Cuffs. What does that mean?

- It was?
- Yeah.

Shit.
Damned if I can remember.

I'd look it up, but I threw
all that shit out years ago.

- Where'd you see a North yearbook?
- Do you know a Rick Derris?

- Rick Derris?
- Yeah.

Sure. We used to
hang out in high school.

Punch him in the fuckin' neck,
number 12!

Come on. Come on!

Did you guys, like,
date or something?

Date Rick Derris?
No, no. We just hung out a lot.

Just-Just you and Rick.

No. Me, Rick and, um...

God, what was his name?

Um... What was his name?

- What was his name?
- Cohee.

Yes! Cohee! Cohee Lundin!

God, I haven't thought
about that name in years.

Those guys used to come over to my house
almost every day after school.

They'd bug my sisters, look through
my dad's closet for porno tapes,

raid the fridge.

They really took advantage
of my parents' never being home.

This one day,

Rick pulled his dick out and started
chasing me around the house with it.

Right in front of Cohee, man.
I couldn't believe it.

Rick pulled his dick out?
Really?

What did you do?

I blew him
while Cohee fucked me!

- Excuse me?
- That's what you wanted to hear.

That's what this little
cross-examination of your is all about?

Well, next time try not to
make it so obvious, all right?

There's subtler ways
of badgering a witness. Am I right?

Geez, man. Even I knew
what you were gettin' at.

If you wanted background information
on me, all you had to do was ask.

I would have gladly
volunteered it.

You didn't have to go playing
Hercule-fucking-Poirot.

Told ya these were
good seats.

Hey. Hey!

- Hey, would you wait a minute?
- Get the fuck off me!

- So it's true, right?
- Is that what you wanna hear?

Yeah, Holden, it's true.

In fact, everything you heard
or dug up on me is probably true.

Yeah, I took on
two guys at once!

You wanna hear some gems
you might not have unearthed?

I took a 26-year-old guy
to my senior prom...

and left to have sex with him
and Gwen Turner in the back of a limo.

How about in college when I let Shannon
Hamilton videotape us having sex,

only to find out he broadcast it
on the campus cable station.

They're all true. Didn't you know?
I am the queen of suburban legend!

Did you somehow fuckin' fail
to mention this to me?

What the fuck's wrong with you?
How could you do all those things?

Easily!

Some I did out of stupidity, some
I did out of what I thought was love.

But good or bad,
they are my choices,

and I am not making
apologies for them now!

Not to you,
or not to anyone!

And how dare you lay a guilt trip on me
about it, in public, no less?

Who the fuck do you think
you are, you judgmental prick?

How the fuck am I supposed
to feel about all this?

How are you supposed to
feel about it?

Feel whatever the fuck you want
to about it, all right?

The only thing that matters
is how you feel about me.

- I don't know how I feel about you now.
- Why? Why?

- Because I had some sex?
- Some sex?

Yes, Holden.
That's all it was, some sex.

Most of it
stupid high school sex.

Like you never had sex
in high school.

There is a world of fucking difference
between typical high school sex...

and getting fucked by two fuckin' guys
at the same time!

- They fuckin' used you.
- No! I used them!

You don't think I would have let it
happen if I hadn't wanted to, do you?

I was an experimental girl,
for Christ's sake!

Maybe you knew early on
that your track was from point A to B,

but, unlike you, I was not given
a fucking map at birth.

So I tried it all.

That is until we...
that's you and I... got together.

And suddenly I was sated.

Can't you take
some fucking comfort in that?

You turned out to be
all I was looking for,

the missing piece
in the big fucking puzzle.

Look, I'm sorry I let you believe you
were the only guy I'd ever been with.

I should have been
more honest.

But it just didn't... It seemed
to make you feel special in a way...

that me telling you over and over how
incredible you are wouldn't get across.

Holden, I'm sorry.

Just don't do that.

Do you mean to tell me that,
while you have zero problem...

with me sleeping with
half the women in New York City,

you have some sort of half-assed,
mealy-mouthed objection...

to pubescent antics that took place
almost ten years ago?

What the fuck
is your problem?

I want us to be something
that we can't be.

And what's that?

A normal couple.

So why don't you give
your little voice a rest

- Fuck!
- Come on up inside my bed

And just pretend you need me

You don't have to lie
about what you know

Even though
I've been sufferin'

And I don't need to be
your only one

I don't need your comforting

I just need you with me

Stay, stay, stay with me

Stay, stay with me

Stay and don't you ever
roll away from me

The girl?

Stay

Stay with me

Oh, and did she ever

Well, look at this
morose motherfucker right here.

Smells like someone shit
in his cereal. Nooch.

What took you guys so long?
What are you, at the mall again?

Bitch, don't even start, all right?
We stopped that shit years ago.

Toss the salad.

Damn, this likeness rights shit
is more profitable than sellin' smoke.

How did a dirt merchant like you
ever learn about likeness rights?

We deal to a lot of lawyers.
You know what I'm sayin'?

Speaking of which...
A little signin' bonus and shit?

No, I'll pass.
Did you guys take a look at the issue?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You need to throw some pussy
in that book, man.

Like, throw some supervillain
with big fuckin' tits...

that shoot milk or somethin',
and I'll just, like, suck her dry...

and bust some moves
on her.

Then she has to fuck me.
I mean, fuck us.

I'll see what I can do.

- All right, boys. What'll it be?
- I'm all set, thanks.

Yo, Flo. Tell Mel to whip me up
a toasted bagel with cream cheese.

You want one too? Make that two,
and kiss my grits. Nooch.

Did you ever watch that show, Alice?
That show was funny as hell, man.

So why the long face, horse?
Banky on the rag?

I'm just, uh... I'm just havin'
a little girl trouble.

Bitch pressin' charges?
I get that a lot.

No. I'm just, uh...

I'm just at a point where
I don't really know what to do.

Kick her to the fuckin' curb.
Girls get to be too much trouble.

There's always the band... of the hand.

Can't do it, G.
I'm in love.

Nah, there ain't no such thing. You
got to boil it down to the essentials.

It's like Cube says: Life ain't
nothin' but bitches and money

Thanks, guys. That's just what I needed.
Advice from the 'hood.

- So who is this girl?
- Oh, I don't think you know her.

Come on, man.
I'm people who know people.

You sound
like Barbra Streisand.

Maybe 'cause I got this tubby bitch
playin' her greatest hits tape...

in my ear all the time.

You gotta see it. When she starts
singin' "You Don't Bring Me Flowers,"

this faggot starts cryin' like a little
girl with a skinned knee and shit.

Big fuckin' softie.
So what's the skirt's name?

I'm tellin' ya, man.
You don't know the girl.

I ain't playin', man.
Come on, tell me her name, Mysterio.

Alyssa Jones.

Holy fuckin' shit.
Finger Cuffs?

You're dating Finger Cuffs,
you silly son of a bitch?

Wait a second.
I thought she was all gay and shit.

She was, or she is.
I don't know.

And you're dating her.
Man, you're a lucky fuck.

She ever bring bitches to bed
with you?

Get a little of that
Filet-O-Fish sandwich goin' on?

Yeah, you know what
I'm talkin' about, baby. Right?

What's up? Yeah.
So four tits and what?

- No, man. It's not like that.
- What's it like, then?

Right now?
I don't know.

I love her, you know?
But, uh, she has a past.

I'll say. Stuffin' two guys,
eatin' chicks out and shit.

You know, I heard
one time she had this dog...

Eat your fuckin' bagel already
and shut up.

Look at this touchy
motherfucker right here.

So if you're all in love and shit,
what's the problem?

The problem is
stupid shit like that.

It was bad enough when it was
just girls, you know?

You throw guys into the mix...
two guys at once, no less...

All that experience, you know?
What am I supposed to think?

Think "good," ya fuckin' ninny shithead,
'cause now she'll be all true and blue.

Bitch tasted life. Now she's settlin'
for your borin' funny-book-makin' ass.

Settling for my boring ass.
That's comforting. Thanks, Jay.

- That's what I'm here for.
- I'm just havin' a problem with it.

It's like I can't get these visuals out
of my head of her doing all this shit.

And I don't know why I can't let
it go, 'cause I'm crazy about this girl.

- I look at her, I see kids, grandkids...
- You're scarin' me.

Yeah, well, I'm scarin' myself
'cause I think so much of this girl...

that I can't get stupid shit
like "Finger Cuffs" out of my head.

I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doin'.

Chasin' Amy.

What?
What did you say?

- You're chasing Amy.
- What do you look so shocked for, man?

Fat bastard does this all the time. He
thinks 'cause he don't say anything...

it'll have some huge impact
when he does open his fuckin' mouth.

Jesus Christ,
why don't you shut up?

Always yap-yap-yapping all the time.
Give me a fuckin' headache.

I went through somethin' like what
you're talkin' about a couple years ago.

- This chick named Amy.
- When?

A couple of years ago.

What, she live in Canada or something?
Why don't I remember this?

Bitch, what you don't
know about me...

I could just about squeeze
in the Grand-fucking-Canyon.

Did you know I always wanted to be
a dancer in Vegas? Huh?

Bet you didn't even know
that shit, did you?

Just tell your fuckin' story so
we can get out of here and smoke this.

So there's me and Amy. And we're
inseparable. Just big-time in love.

Then four months down the road
the idiot gear kicks in,

and I ask about the ex-boyfriend which,
as we all know, is a really dumb move.

But you know how it is: You don't want
to know, but you just have to know.

Stupid guy bullshit.

So, anyway, she starts
tellin' me about him.

They fell in love, went out for
a couple of years, lived together.

Her mother likes me better,
blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm okay.

But then she drops the bomb on me,
and the bomb is this:

It seems that a couple of times,
while they were goin' out,

he brought some people
to bed with them.

Menage-a-trois,
I believe it's called.

Now this just blows my mind, right?
I'm not used to this sort of thing.

- I was raised Catholic, for God's sakes.
- Saint Shithead.

Do somethin'.

So I'm totally weirded out by this,
right? And I just start blastin' her.

I don't know how to deal with what I'm
feelin', so I figure the best way is...

if call her "slut," right,
and tell her she was used.

I'm out for blood.
I really want to hurt this girl.

"What the fuck is your problem?"
And she's just calmly trying to tell me,

"It was that time, that place," and she
doesn't think she should apologize...

because she doesn't feel
that she's done anything wrong.

I'm like, "Oh, really?" I look her in
the eye and tell her it's over. I walk.

Fuckin' A.

No, idiot.
It was a mistake.

I wasn't disgusted with her,
I was afraid.

You know, at that moment I felt small,
like I'd lacked experience,

like I'd never be on her level, never be
enough for her or something like that.

But what I did not get,
she didn't care.

She wasn't lookin' for that guy anymore,
she was lookin' for me, for the Bob.

But by the time I figured this all
out, it's too late, man. She moved on.

All I had to show for it was foolish
pride which then gave way to regret.

She was the girl.
I know that now.

But...

I pushed her away.

So I've spent every day
since then chasing Amy.

So to speak.

Enough of this fuckin' melodrama.
My advice? Forget her, dude.

There's one bitch in the world,
one bitch with many faces.

Get up, tons of fun.
We gotta book.

- Catchin' a bus to Chi-town.
- Why? What's there?

Business, yo. How many more of those
fat envelopes we get comin' to us?

Uh, I don't know.

I don't know how much longer
the book's gonna be around.

Yeah, good.
I'll be glad as shit when it's gone.

There's a million people who'd love
to see themself in a comic book.

But that ain't like us at all,
all slapsticky and shit,

runnin' around like
a couple of dickheads.

Sayin'... What's that shit
he got us sayin'?

Oh, um...
"snootchie-bootchies."

"Snootchie-bootchies." Who the fuck
talks like that? That is baby talk.

It's a big world, G.
We're bound to run into you again.

- Till then, keep your unit on ya.
- I'll try.

No, no, no, no, no.
Do or do not. There is no try...

Knock that shit off!
We got a bus to catch.

Jedi bitch. Man, what do you always have
to tell that fuckin' gay story for?

- Man, shut up.
- You shut up, you fat fuck.

Okay.

You guys are probably wondering
why I asked you here at the same time...

knowing that we have shit
to settle between us separately.

I just figured you wanted
to kill two birds with one stone.

You know, by telling her
to fuck off with me here...

so you wouldn't have to
go through the story again later on.

- Fuck you.
- Not even if you let me videotape it.

Okay, enough.
All right?

Enough.

Now, I've been going over and
over and over this whole thing,

and I've dissected it
a thousand different ways.

Banky, there's tension between you and I
for the first time in our lives.

You hate me dating Alyssa and you want
me to sign off on this cartoon thing.

How perceptive.

Alyssa,

you and I have hit a wall...

'cause I don't know how to deal
with your, uh, your past, I guess.

That's a nice way
of putting it.

I'd have said
"the whole double stuff" thing.

I'm only gonna
tell you this once: Shut up.

Now,

I know I'm to blame one way
or another on both accounts.

Alyssa, with you
because... I feel inadequate,

because you've had such a big life
and so much experience,

and my life's been
pretty small in comparison.

- That doesn't matter to me.
- Please.

I have to get
through this, okay?

Banky, I know why you're having such
a hard time with me and Alyssa.

It's something that's been
obvious forever and I guess...

I guess I just didn't
acknowledge it.

You're in love with me.

What?

You're attracted to me. Just as, in
a way, I guess I'm... attracted to you.

It makes sense. We've been together
so long, we have so much in common.

Well, I gotta get goin'.

I gotta catch the last few minutes
of Little House.

It's somethin' you're
gonna have to deal with, Bank.

And that would explain
your jealousy of Alyssa,

your homophobia,
your sense of humor...

Jesus, just 'cause a guy's
got a predilection toward dick jokes...

Bank. Stop.

Deal with it.
You'll feel much better.

Okay.

Now, you guys are probably
asking yourselves the same question...

that I've been going over and over
in my head the past few weeks:

What does one have
to do with the other?

Don't.

And when I did some
serious soul-searching,

it came to me
from outta nowhere.

And it all made sense.
And a calm came over me.

I know what we have to do.

And then you, Banky,
you, Alyssa, and I...

all of us...
can finally be... all right.

Please don't say it.

We've all gotta
have sex together.

I mean, look,
don't you see?

That would take care
of everything.

Alyssa, with you, I won't feel
too inadequate or conservative anymore,

because I'll have done something
on a par with all your experience.

And it will be with you, which will
make it that much more powerful.

Banky, you can take that leap...

that everyone else but you
sees you should take.

And it'll be with me,
your best friend for years.

We've been everything to each other
but intimates,

and now we'll have been
through that together too.

And it won't be a total leap for you
because a woman will be involved.

And when it's over, all that hostility
you feel toward Alyssa will be gone...

because you'll have shared in something
beautiful with the woman I love.

It'll be cathartic.

This will keep us together.

What do ya say?

Sure.

You know I need this.

You know it'll help.

No.

Thank Christ.

Sorry.

No? I thought
you'd be into this.

You did?
What does that say about me?

Sweetheart, you've done stuff
like this before.

This should be
no big deal for you.

You don't want this.
You really don't want this.

No, I do want this. This has
to happen. Can't you see that?

I mean, how can you not? No?
What does that say about me?

You can take it from two guys
whose names you can hardly remember,

but I ask you to share an experience
about intimacy, and you say no?

- I can't.
- Baby, yes, you can.

I'll be there. And when it's over we'll
be the strongest we've ever been...

'cause we'll have been
through this together.

Then we'll be on the same level and
there'll be nothing we can't accomplish.

Oh, Holden.

That time is over for me.

I've been there
and I've done it...

and I didn't find
what I was looking for in any of it.

I found that it you.
In us.

Doing this won't help you forget
about the things you're hung up on.

- It'll create more.
- No. I've thought about all that.

Yes, it will!

Maybe you'll see me
differently from then on.

Maybe you'll despise me for going along
with it once you're in the moment.

Maybe I'll moan differently,

and then you'll resent Banky
and become suspicious of us.

Or you'll alienate him
because of it.

You'll grow to blame and hate me for
the deterioration of your friendship.

Or what if... and God,
I sincerely doubt it...

but what if I saw something
in Banky that I've never seen before,

you know, and I fell in love
with him and left you?

I've been down roads
like this before.

Many times.

I know you feel doing this
will broaden your horizons...

and give you experience.

But I've had
those experiences, on my own.

And I can't accompany you
on yours.

I'm past that now.

Or maybe I just love you
too much.

And I feel hurt and let down that you
would want to share me with anyone.

Because I would never
want to share you.

Regardless,

I can't be
a part of this.

Or you.
Not anymore.

I love you.

I always will.

Know that.

But I'm not
your fucking whore.

He's yours again.

A blast from the past.

Do you know how much it's
going for these days? $110.

You sign it, it'll
push that up even higher.

You sell it
I want a kickback.

I don't know if it's true,

but I heard once there was
going to be an animated series?

- There was going to be.
- What happened?

You're lookin' at it.
No Chronic, no cartoon.

- That would have been awesome!
- Tell me about it.

So is that what happened
with you and Holden McNeil?

You got into a fight over
the rights or something?

- It was more complicated than that.
- Whatever happened to that guy?

I don't know.
Quit the biz, I guess.

So, you guys don't
talk anymore?

No. Not really.

Yeah. That happened to me once.
Me and this guy started a comic club.

And we got into a fight over who looked
better in bare legs, Electra or Robin.

Anyway, I disbanded the club and struck
out on my own, kinda like Nomad.

I'm rambling on now.
What I meant to say is...

that you probably shouldn't
have killed off Chronic.

Guess not. Some doors just
shouldn't be opened.

Oh, like the door to death
in Baby Dave's Winter Special,

which you did on your own.

See? You don't need that McNeil guy,
anyway. You do great work on your own.

Look at your line work. Look at all the
detail in this douche bag on page 18.

Look at how you draw a fart.

And tell me you're not better off
without Holden McNeil.

I mean, you were just carrying
that guy like a brown-bag lunch,

you know what I'm saying?

- You're so right.
- Yeah, well, the true fans always are.

Well, keep up the good work, man.
Love those dick jokes. Love 'em.

See ya.

Yeah.

Bye.

Okay. Who's next?

Hi.

Thanks for readin' it.

I can't believe this place.
These people are so weird.

You wanted to come.

God, I can't believe you call
these people contemporaries.

Look at this guy over here
with the pointy ears? What's that?

- He's a Vulcan.
- A what?

A Vulcan. Jesus, potzer.

Why don't you take a walk
and get us something to drink?

Okay, I will.

Um, this isn't
one of mine.

It's mine.

I saved you a copy.

Hi.

Hi.

How've you been?

Uh, good. Really good.
Yourself?

Good.

The new issue's selling
like crazy, for some reason.

Yeah, well, it's because it's
really good. I liked it a lot.

Thank you.

I haven't even seen this yet.
Did it just come out?

Uh, oh, about a month ago.
I did a really small run.

Self-financed,
only about 500 issues.

Will I enjoy it?

You might.
It's familiar subject matter.

Looks like
a very personal story.

I finally had
something personal to say.

Well, I'm gonna go.
I don't wanna hold up your line here.

Yeah.

I mean, it can get ugly. I just saw
this nun call a small child a cunt-rag.

You know, read that,
if you have a minute.

I will.

If you get the chance, call me. I'd like
to hear your thoughts, or... whatever.

Okay.

Okay.

It was really nice
seeing you again.

It was really nice
to see you too.

- Who was that?
- Huh?

Who was that?

Oh, just some guy I knew.

Next. So, what do you want
to do tonight?

I was tappin' my foot
on a Friday night

To my favorite band
I was pushed aside

I said hey, don't push me
No, no, no one pushes me

When I was face to face
with a woman I admired

And she gave me this look

I could not believe

And the cold stare remained
I wanted to leave

Yeah, I do believe anger
is offset by sorrow

But you destroy today
you might regret tomorrow

When you're young
and defensive

It comes off offensive

And it's hard to repay the
tolerance that you borrowed

The lasting relationship
sinks right off the pier

Who wears the pants
It's faded but clear

She's your girlfriend
and she ain't too fond of me

I guess if that's the way
it was meant to be

There we were
just we three

You, your girlfriend and me

I've known you forever
You two just met

So easily amused
how fast we forget

Ain't my jealousy
my self-righteous greed

She's a bit like a book
I'm too farsighted to read

And I wish you the best
but sometimes feel the need

To say
Remember me

Yeah, she's your girlfriend
as far as we can see

Does she look at you
the way she looks at me

And here we are
just we three

You, your girlfriend and me

She's your girlfriend
it's gettin' harder to see

Better just take her home
Better just let her be

When she walks out that door
you come looking for me

Man, what do you always have
to tell that fuckin' gay story for?

- Man, shut up.
- You shut up, you fat fuck.

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